JUKE
D
The Devilish Devices of Democrats
A SWING & A MISS
READY FOR A WICKED SUNBURN DEATH BY GLOBAL WARMING
Marty Delafangio takes a sledgehammer to the head from congress
Al Gore Spins a tale around the world’s largest drum circle
ITS OK SHE’S ON THE PILL Get a special glimpse into the world of socialist Health Care in America.
CONTENTS
FEAT U R E S
[ 7 ] R EADY FOR A WICKED SUNBURN? DEATH BY GLOBAL WARMING.
Al Gore Spins a tale around the world’s largest drum circle. Learn how humans are the cause of a cyclical ice age pattern thats been going on since long before humans ever existed. Did we kill the dinosaurs too? Find out in this excellent work of fiction.
cover photography by: lucky day
[ 12 ] O BAMA REELECTION FULFILLS MAYAN DOOMSDAY PROPHECY
All of this time we thought the Mayans were crazy, but now their wisdom is showing through. How Obama will ruin the world by Christmas.
[ 17 ] T IME FOR THE NEWS, PUT YOUR BLINDERS ON.
The world is shifting to an every more liberal, democratic persuasion. Learn how the media is steering the world in whatever direction they want. Withhold here, and overly cover there, the art of burying a story and delivering drivel.
iPad
with Retina display Now with twice the performance, faster Wi-fi, and new FaceTime HD camera.
Think small. Our little car isn’t so much of a novelty any more. A couple of dozen college kids don’t try to squeeze inside it. The guy at the gas station doesn’t ask where the gas goes. Nobody even stares at our shape. In fact, some people who drive our little
flivver don’t even think 32 miles to the gallon is going any great guns. Or using five pints of oil instead of five quarts. Or never needing anti-freeze. Or racking up 40,000 miles on a set of tires. That’s because once you get used to
some of our economies, you don’t even think about them any more. Except when you squeeze into a small parking spot. Or renew your small insurance. Or pay a small repair bill. Or trade in your old VW for a new one. Think it over.
DEPARTMENTS
[ 1 ] A SWING & A MISS Marty Delafangio takes a sledgehammer to the head from congress. However, the new powderpuff congressional compromise makes it more fashionable than ever.
[ 3 ] IT’S OK, SHE’S ON THE PILL! Cheaper health care, cheaper medicines. Side effects may include... will be a great part of our lives. It is speculated that this is intentional, the hope is that everyone will suddenly become brain dead and join the democratic party.
[ 5 ] A PUBLIC APOLOGY An in depth look at the filthy lifestyle public officials live. A non censured apology for a variety of filthy admissions that took place both in public and behind locked doors.
IN EVERY ISSUE [ IV ] LETTER TO THE EDITOR [ V ] DAY IN THE LIFE WITH A WORTHLESS POLITITION [ VI ] STUPID THINGS DEMOCRATES SAY [ VII ] 50 SHADES OF OBAMA’S HAIR
GORED tech explored
A SWING & A MISS M a r t y D e l a fa n g i o take s a s le d g e h amme r to t h e h e a d fro m co n gre ss . H oweve r, th e n ew p owd e r-p u f f con g re ss i o n a l co m pro m i s e m a ke s i t mo re fa s h i on a b l e th an eve r.
M
any of today’s adults, who are otherwise capable of handling sophisticated modern devices, are united by a contemporary malady: sledgehammer anxiety. “I feel I’m going to break it”; “The old ways still work for me”; “This is where technology leaves me behind,” are the most common chants of the sledgehammerphobe. Much of this initial fear comes from a failure to understand just how it works. By attaching a “heavy weighted slug” to a truncated supercissoid, a disproportionate fulcrum is created. In other words, if you’re a TV set showing Regis promoting a diet book, and you’re in a room with an angry unpublished poet holding a sledgehammer, watch out. The novice sledgehammerer (from the German sledgehammeramalamadingdong) must be familiar with a few terms: Thunk: t he sound the “clanker” (street term for “heavy weighted slug”) makes when wielded against the “stuff” Stuff: things that are to be wanged Wang: the impact of the clanker and the stuff Smithereens: the result of being wanged
photo by john cocktoasten artic by erwin fletcher
“There is a natural fear of sledgehammers,” says the National Sledgehammer and Broken Toe Society, which, in response, has been charting the most common accidents and offers tips for the sledgehammer’s safe use. The over-the-head position, for example, often leads to excruciating lower body pain, caused when the sledgehammer wedges itself between the thighs at the end of the backswing. There is also the self-inflicted backof-the-head knockout on lateral swings, which is very rare, and only afflicts—to use the researcher’s
[ 1 ] | JUKED: The Devilish Devices of Democrats
lingo—“really dumb people.” There are also cleaning accidents. A home hobbyist in Valdosta, Georgia, reported that while he was removing paint from his sledgehammer, it suddenly went out of control and destroyed his living room wall, even though he never let go of its handle. Despite all these drawbacks, the world of the sledgehammer is rife with enthusiasts. “I find the sledgehammer very erotic,” says Jane Parpadello, who is a stockbroker with Smith Barney and wants everyone to know her home phone number is listed. “I think it’s because my father was shaped like a sledgehammer: the long wooden body and big metal head. Today when I see a man with that shape, I want to pick him up and swing him against an apartment wall.” The sledgehammer king, Marty Delafangio, whose net worth has been estimated at forty-two thousand dollars, was recently summoned before Congress to defend his reasons for attaching a mandatory Web-browser to his market-leading product. “I smelled money to be made,” said Delafangio. “The combination of a Web-browser and a sledgehammer is a natural.” Congress disagreed, and now the Web-browser can be sold only as an option, although, as a compromise, the powder-puff attachment remains. In the last ten years, the sledgehammer has come into its own, finally recognized for what it is: a tool, a thing, and a heavy object. Hundreds of years from now, when technology has altered the sledgehammer’s appearance into a sleek, digital, aerodynamic uber-machine, it will no doubt function as it does today, toppling the mighty and denting the hard
“ I find the sledgehammer very erotic!� - Jane Parpadello
OBAMACARED
socialist health care examined
“ Men may experience impotence.”
IT’S OK, SHE’S ON THE PILL! C h eaper healt h ca re, chea per m edicines. S ide effects may include... will be a great part of ou r lives. It is speculated that this is in tentional, the hope is that everyone will suddenly b e come brain dea d a nd join the dem ocratic party.
T
his drug may cause joint pain, nausea,
ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater
headache, or shortness of breath. You
than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or in fact
may also experience muscle aches,
any doctor, or anyone who will speak to you. You
rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears.
may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would
If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do
be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a
not consume alcohol while taking
plane, unless you are in the 10 percent of users who
this pill; likewise, avoid red meat,
experience “spontaneous test pilot knowledge.” If your
shellfish, and vegetables. Okay foods: flounder. Under
hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from
no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful
any buildings or populated areas and apply tincture of
urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught
iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could
between the toilet seat and the bowl.
be considered a “countdown.”
Projectile vomiting is common in 30 percent of
photo by john cocktoasten article by fletch f fletcher
This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to
users—sorry: 50 percent. If you undergo disorienting
appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir
nausea accompanied by migraine with audible raspy
shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to
breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be
shout out during a Catholic mass, “I’m gonna wop
expected; up to one knee-buckler per day is allowable.
you wid da ugly stick!” You may feel a powerful sense
Bowel movements may become frequent, in fact every
of impending doom; this is because you are about
[3] | JUKED: The Devilish Devices of Democrats
to die. Men may experience impotence, but only
you?” Unacceptable: “The rain in Sprain slays blainly
during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection
on the phsssst.” Twenty minutes after taking the
will accompany your daily “walking around time.” Do
pills, you will experience an insatiable craving to take
not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw.
another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER.
Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at
It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large
900 MHz, or you will be very dead, very fast. We are
kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL
assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may
NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE
experience a growing dissatisfaction with life, along
THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of
with a deep sense of melancholy-join the club! Do not
any weaponlike utensil with which you could threaten
be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger
friends or family, who should also be briefed to not
counter. You might want to get a one month trial
give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk
subscription to Extreme Fidgeting.
them. Notice: This drug is legal in the United States
The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to get
only when the user is straddling a state line.
caught on the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat, while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach-first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity or the brain. WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of a TV may cause the screen to moire. While taking this drug, you might want to wear something lucky. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a two-octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, trailer 6, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or e-mail me at “hot-guy.com.” Discontinue use immediately if you feel your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience “lumpy back” syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. Be sure to allow plenty of “quiet time” in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor. This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gum arabic— pardon me, an Arab’s gums—gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, English muffins, poached eggs, ham, hollandaise sauce, and crushed saxophone reeds. Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the feeling of a “phantom third arm.” User may experience certain inversions of language: Acceptable: “Hi, are how
“ Women will experience alarming hallucinations.”
HILL & BILLED scandals exposed
A PUBLIC APOLO A n i n d e p th l o ok at th e f ilthy life style p u bl i c o ffi ci a l s l i ve. A no n ce n s u re d a p olog y for a varie ty of fi l t hy a dm i ss i o n s t h at to ok p l a ce b oth in p u b lic an d b e h in d l o cke d do o r s . photo by john cocktoasten article by fletch f fletcher
L
ooking out over the East River from my jail cell and still running for public office, I realize that I have taken several actions in my life for which I owe public apologies. Once, I won a supermarket sweepstakes even though my brother’s cousin was a box boy in that very store. I would like to apologize to Safeway Food, Inc., and its employees. I would like to apologize to my family, who have stood by me, and especially to my wife Karen. A wiser and more loyal spouse could not be found. Several years ago, in California, I ate my first clam and said it tasted “like a gonad dipped in motor oil.” I would like to apologize to Bob ‘n’ Betty’s Clam Fiesta, and especially to Bob, who I found out later only had one testicle. I would like to apologize to the waitress
June and her affiliates, and the DePaul family dog, who suffered the contents of my nauseated stomach. There are several incidents of sexual harassment I would like to apologize for: In 1992, I was interviewing one Ms. Anna Floyd for a secretarial position, when my pants accidentally fell down around my ankles as I was coincidentally saying, “Ever seen one of these before?” Even though I was referring to my new Pocket Tape Memo Taker, I would like to apologize to Ms. Floyd for any grief this misunderstanding might have caused her. I would also like to apologize to the Pocket Tape people, to their affiliates, and to my family, who have stood by me. I would like to apologize also to International Hardwood Designs, whose floor my pants fell upon. I would especially like to apologize to my wife Karen, whose constant understanding fills me with humility. Once, in Hawaii, I had sex with a hundred-and-two-year-old male turtle. It would be hard to argue that it was consensual. I would like to apologize to the turtle, his family, the Kahala Hilton Hotel, and the hundred or so diners at the Hilton’s outdoor cafe. I would also
like to apologize to my loyal wife Karen, who had to endure the subsequent news item in the “Also Noted” section of the Santa Barbara Women’s Club Weekly. I would also like to apologize to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, for referring to its members as “colored people.” My apology would not be complete if I didn’t include my new wife, Nancy, who is of a pinkish tint, and our two children, who are white-colored. Finally, I would like to apologize for spontaneously yelling the word “savages!” after losing six thousand dollars on a roulette spin at the Choctaw Nation Casino and Sports Book. When I was growing up, the usage of this word in our household closely approximated the Hawaiian aloha, and my use of it in the casino was meant to express “until we meet again.” Now on with the campaign!
“ I wo u l d l i ke to a p o lo g ize f o r s po n tan e o u s l y ye l l i ng t he wo r d “ s ava ge s ! ” a f te r l o s i ng s i x t h ou s a n d d o l l a r s o n a r o u le tte s pin at the C ho c t aw Nat i o n Ca s i no a nd S p o r t s Bo o k . W h e n I wa s g r ow in g u p, th e u s ag e of th i s wo r d i n o ur ho us e ho l d c l o s e l y a p p r ox i m ate d t h e H awa i i a n a l o h a.” [5] | JUKED: The Devilish Devices of Democrats
LOGY “ Ever seen one of these before?”
- Joe Schmoe
Reason 1: I hate families
I voted Obama because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I now may marry my Labrador.
Reason 2: I love pump time robbery
I voted Obama because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the Government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t.
WHY I VOTED FOR OBAMA HOW AMERICA DIED! by james w anderson art by brian j nye
Reason 9: I hate making money
Reason 10: I hate the constitution
I voted Obama because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrats see fit.
I voted Obama because I believe liberal Judges need to rewrite the constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
Reason 3: I love being poor
Reason 4: I love silencing my opinions
Reason 5: Guns kill, people don’t
Reason 6: I bleed green
I voted Obama because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.
I voted Obama because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in 10 years if I don’t start driving a Prius.
Reason 7: Kill babies, not killers
Reason 8: I love illegal aliens
I voted Obama because I believe the Government will do a better job spending the money I earn than I would.
I voted Obama because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as I agree with what is said, and nobody else is offended by it.
I voted Obama because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all the death row inmates alive.
I voted Obama because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.
Reason 11: Save bugs, fund terror
Reason 12: I love crack
I voted Obama because I think that it’s better to pay billions for their oil to people who hate us but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, spotted owl, gopher or fish.
I voted Obama because my head is so firmly misplaced toward the south end of my body; it’s unlikely that I’ll ever have another point of view.
[7] | JUKED: The Devilish Devices of Democrats
READY FOR A WICKED SUNBURN? photo by luck day article by al gore
D E AT H BY GLOBAL WARMING Al Gore Spins a tale around the world’s largest drum circle. Learn how humans are the cause of a cyclical ice age pattern thats been going on since long before humans ever existed. Did we kill the dinosaurs too? Find out in this excellent work of absurd fiction.
If
the pictures of those towering wildfires in Colorado haven’t convinced you, or the size of your AC bill this summer, here are some hard numbers about climate change: June broke or tied 3,215 hightemperature records across the United States. That followed the warmest May on record for the Northern Hemisphere – the 327th consecutive month in which the temperature of the entire globe exceeded the 20th-century average, the odds of which occurring by simple chance were 3.7 x 10-99, a number
considerably larger than the number of stars in the universe. Meteorologists reported that this spring was the warmest ever recorded for our nation – in fact, it crushed the old record by so much that it represented the “largest temperature departure from average of any season on record.” The same week, Saudi authorities reported that it had rained in Mecca despite a temperature of 109 degrees, the hottest downpour in the planet’s history. Not that our leaders seemed to notice. Last month the world’s nations, meeting in Rio for the 20th-anniversary reprise of a massive 1992 environmental summit, accomplished nothing. Unlike
LW
RW
People who foolishly decide to become liberals, immediatly lose ten points from their IQ.
Are still capable of free thinking, rational thoughts, and informed, non conforming decision making.
LEFT WING
R IGH T W ING
George H.W. Bush, who flew in for the first conclave, Barack Obama didn’t even attend. It was “a ghost of the glad, confident meeting 20 years ago,” the British journalist George Monbiot wrote; no one paid it much attention, footsteps echoing through the halls “once thronged by multitudes.” Since I wrote one of the first books for a general audience about global warming way back in 1989, and since I’ve spent
almost-but-not-quite-finally hopeless – position with three simple numbers. If the movie had ended in Hollywood fashion, the Copenhagen climate conference in 2009 would have marked the culmination of the global fight to slow a changing climate. The world’s nations had gathered in the December gloom of the Danish capital for what a leading climate economist, Sir Nicholas Stern of Britain, called the “most important gathering since the Second World War, given what is at stake.” As Danish energy minister Connie
the intervening decades working ineffectively to slow that warming, I can say with some confidence that we’re losing the fight, badly and quickly – losing it because, most of all, we remain in denial about the peril that human civilizati When we think about global warming at all, the arguments tend to be ideological, theological and economic. But to grasp the seriousness of our predicament, you just need to do a little math. For the past year, an easy and powerful bit of arithmetical analysis first published by financial analysts in the U.K. has been making the rounds of environmental conferences and journals, but it hasn’t yet broken through to the larger public. This analysis upends most of the conventional political thinking about climate change. And it allows us to understand our precarious – our
Hedegaard, who presided over the conference, declared at the time: “This is our chance. If we miss it, it could take years before we get. In the event, of course, we missed it. Copenhagen failed spectacularly. Neither China nor the United States, which between them are responsible for 40 percent of global carbon emissions, was prepared to offer dramatic concessions, and so the conference drifted aimlessly for two weeks until world leaders jetted in for the final day. Amid considerable chaos, President Obama took the lead in drafting a face-saving “Copenhagen Accord” that fooled very few. Its purely voluntary agreements committed no one to anything, and even if countries signaled their intentions to cut carbon emissions, there was no enforcement mechanism. “Copenhagen is a crime scene tonight,” an angry Greenpeace official declared, “with the guilty men and women fleeing to the airport.” Headline writers were equally brutal: COPENHAGEN: THE MUNICH OF OUR
“ It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” - Al Gore
A L G O R E | T H E L E G E N DA RY M A N O F L E G E N D S
THEN
IN BET
BORN OF A VIRGIN
GRADUATED FROM HOGWARTS
INVENTED THE INTERNET
Much like Jesus, Al Gore was spontaneously conceived. Miraculous!
What a loser, he was in the house of Hufflepuff. He specialized in herbology.
Just one of many feathers in Al’s cap, but a major win for “AL WORLD.”
[9] | JUKED: The Devilish Devices of Democrats
TWEEN
LATER RAN FOR PRESIDENT
DISCOVERED GLOBAL WARMING
Lost to George B, dang Florida and their hanging chads. How hard is it to poke a hole in paper?
Al Gore 2.0: Now with a cause, took a natural event, and capitalized on wide spread fear.
FIRST MAN ON URANUS
Uhhh..... Yeah this one pretty much speaks for itself. Right?
The accord did contain one important number, however. In Paragraph 1, it formally recognized “the scientific view that the increase in global temperature should be below two degrees Celsius.” And in the very next paragraph, it declared that “we agree that deep cuts in global emissions are required... so as to hold the increase in global temperature below two degrees Celsius.” By insisting on two degrees – about 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit – the accord ratified positions taken earlier in 2009 by the G8, and the so-called Major Economies Forum. It was as conventional as conventional wisdom gets. The number first gained prominence, in fact, at a 1995 climate conference chaired by Angela Merkel, then the German minister of the environment and now the centerright chancellor of the nation.
Cow farts are literally more damaging to the ozone than human farts.
Some context: So far, we’ve raised the average temperature of the planet just under 0.8 degrees Celsius, and that has caused far more damage than most scientists expected. (A third of summer sea ice in the Arctic is gone, the oceans are 30 percent more acidic, and since warm air holds more water vapor than cold, the atmosphere over the oceans is a shocking five percent wetter, loading the dice for devastating floods.) Given those impacts, in fact, many scientists have come to think that two degrees is far too lenient a target. “Any number much above one degree involves a gamble,” writes Kerry Emanuel of MIT, a leading authority on hurricanes, “and the odds become less and less favorable as the temperature goes up.” Thomas Lovejoy, once the World Bank’s chief biodiversity adviser,
In a poll, more Californian’s thought that windmills were Mercede’s ads, rather than a source of power. Homes are where people used to live before Obama took a dump on America.
Water is far more refreshing when you are thirsty, than when you are not thirsty.
TRUTH IN NUMBERS
Deomocrats have fewer good ideas than the average test rat.
Fewer people knew what this icon was, when compared to other icons.
New light bulbs are much less attractive than the old light bulbs.
Do you know what is pretty cool; recycling, also lasers, lasers are pretty cool. Bicycles use way less of the worlds gasoline than cars do. Thats a fact.
[11] | JUKED: The Devilish Devices of Democrats
Cars with tails are considered to be far less cool than cars without tails.
puts it like this: “If we’re seeing what we’re seeing today at 0.8 degrees Celsius, two degrees is simply too much.” NASA scientist James Hansen, the planet’s most prominent climatologist, is even blunter: “The target that has been talked about in international negotiations for two degrees of warming is actually a prescription for long-term disaster.” At the Copenhagen summit, a spokesman for small island nations warned that many would not survive a two-degree rise: “Some countries will flat-out disappear.” When delegates from developing nations were warned that two degrees would represent a “suicide pact” for drought-stricken Africa, many of them started chanting, “One degree, one Africa.” We’re not getting any free lunch from the world’s economies, either. With only a single year’s lull in 2009 at the height of the financial crisis, we’ve continued to pour record amounts of carbon into the atmosphere, year after year. In late May, the International Energy Agency published its latest figures – CO2 emissions last year rose to 31.6 gigatons, up 3.2 percent from the year before. America had a warm winter and converted more coal-fired power plants to natural gas, so its emissions fell slightly; data in hand, everyone at the Rio conference renewed their ritual calls for serious international action to move us back to a two-degree trajectory. The charade will continue in November, when the next Conference of the Parties (COP) of the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change convenes in Qatar. This will be COP 18 – COP 1 was held in Berlin in 1995, and since then the process has accomplished essentially nothing. y laugh, “and we have the instrumentation and the computer power required to present the evidence in detail. If we choose to continue on our present course of action, it should be done with a full evaluation of the evidence In the end though, aren’t we all like Santa’s little elves, just trying to do our jobs the best we can with the tools we have got to work with.
“ I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.”