ALL JOY NO FUN
ADPOLE
Ready, Set,
School!
Smart Learning Advice For Every Age
Predict Your B aby’s Personality COOK NOW, EAT LATER
Make-Ahead Meals For Busy Moms
TA D POLE MAGAZINE
FEATUR E S May 2 0 1 2
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The Six Best Gifts You Can Give
It should come as no surprise that LOVE is one of them. Experts say that the first years of a child’s life in the most important for developing their future.
by Jason Hunt
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ALL JOY & NO FUN
Recent studies so that married couples that have children are less happy then those who have chosen not to become parents.
by Jennifer Senior
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Predict The Future
What will your baby’s personality be like. Do baby’s come with their own identity or is it developed during their childhood?
by Derek Cannon
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How to Identify Learning Disabilites Early
In today’s society disablilites are on the rise due to children being born to women who are older. So identyfing a disability will allow for you to understand and create a plan for your child’s personal needs.
by Kelly Neilsen
TA D P O L E M AG A Z I N E
D E PA R T M ENTS May 2012
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Taste Mother Nature Rainbow.
Always Running Out Of The Essentials.
Pretend Play Is A Proven Stimulate To The Brain.
EAT UP
How to know if you are eating all your fruit and vegetables. by Michael James
STOCK UP Here are some quick and simple tips to keeping things in the pantry. by Victory White
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Keeping Up With The Jones Kids? How do you know when your children have to many play toys. by Laura Beulter
Learn six simple things you can do to keep up with the newest information about kids health. by David Kingston
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New Arrival
Bigger By The Second
CATCH UP
MOVING UP How to create the perfect nursey space for you new arrivalwith out emptying their college fund. by Nicole Neverage
WHAT’S UP
GROWING UP Is your child within his or her body weight and height. by Ryan Montgomery
DRESS UP
Help your children to use they imaginations. by Julia Sutherland
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PLAY IT UP
Summer Time Means Getting Out. Check out the suggestion our expertise gave about getting your playtime in. by Caroline Mays
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ADDING UP Piggy Bank Budgeting Check out the best ways too enjoy your summer without spending to much doe. by Tyra Bennett
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EAT UP
TASTE THE RAINBOW It is important to spend 30 minutes a day listening to the Pimsleur Approach lessons. Each lesson is 30 minutes in length and only one lesson per day is required. Upon completion of the 8 lessons in the Quick & Simple course, the user will be able to conduct conversations related to following tasks: introduce oneself, exchange pleasantries, ask simple questions e.g. what or where, inquire about
“Enjoy the flavors of Mother Natures array of colorful fruits.�
Reds When picking from the red side lots of Vitamin A
the cost of a product, ask for directions and order meals. In order for the Pimsleur Approach to quickly teach conversational proficiency, it does not teach reading or writing. In order to obtain a greater level of fluency, additional lessons will be required.ww ask simple questions e.g. what
Oranges Oranges lots of Vitamin A
Yellows Yellow Vitamin E
or where, inquire about the cost of a product, ask for directions and order meals. In order for the Pimsleur Approach to quickly teach conversational proficiency, it does not teach reading or writing. In order to obtain a greater level of fluency, additional lessons will be required.wwhe 8 lessons in the Quick & Simple course, the user will be able to conduct conversations related to the following
Good Eating Habits tasks: introduce oneself, exchange pleasantries, ask simple questions e.g. what or where, inquire about the cost of a product, ask for directions and order meals. In order for the Pimsleur Approach to quickly teach conversational proficiency, it does not teach reading or writing. In order to obtain a greater level of fluency, additional lessons will be required.ww ask simple questions e.g. what or where, inquire about the cost of a product, ask for directions and order meals. In order for the Pimsleur Approach or writing. In order to obtain a greater level of fluency, additional
Greens
Purples
When picking from greens you get Vitamin B
Picking Purple gets you lots Vitamin D TA D P O L E M A G . C O M
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GROWING UP
It was just yesterday that they were learning to roll over and now they are starting Kindergarten. “It can be difficult when you have to start dealing with growing up, going from toddlers to teenagers.”
It’s almost that time. My last child is getting too old for naps and that special time I had with him, snuggling up in the afternoon is finally going to be gone. My favorite part of parenting has always been that feeling of a child curling up on my chest or snuggling next to me and then going to sleep. I don’t know how else to explain it except that it feels like a perpetual hug. At the risk of losing my “Man” card, I wish they could stay little for a lot longer. My kids are growing so fast. The triplets will be seven in January. Rose is already wearing some of my wife’s old clothes. She wears Shannon’s t-shirts as jammies and some of her old blouses with a belt or something around the waist. She’s starting to look long and beautiful, a real little lady. Joseph is no longer the Thomas the Tank Engine loving kid he used to be. Now he’s all about jet airplanes and robotics. I build electronic circuit projects with him and he actually understands what’s going on.
Growing Up So Fast Can Be Hard Michael is our little book worm. He reads very well and takes after his mother as far as smarts go. He will be the
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BIGGER BY THE SECOND brainiac of the three. It’s amazing to watch them grow and mature. When I first saw it happening in them I comforted myself with, “Well, I still have Matthew for a while longer.” Now that’s going away too. He wants to be like his older siblings so badly that he tries to do everything they do. Sometimes he succeeds but mostly it just ends in frustration. It’s very cute to watch, we comfort him and it all works out. He throws the most
no excuses
ADDING UP
PIGGY BANK BUDGETING
7 Ideas For Entertaining Your Kids Without Breaking The Piggy Bank 1 LOCAL LIBRARY PROGRAMS In addition to libraries having free books to borrow, many community libraries also offer a variety of reading and entertainment programs for kids. This can range from special guest speakers to rewarding reading with prizes and crafts. Check your local libraries to see what is available in your area. 2 LOCAL PLAYGROUNDS If you are just looking for a place for your kids to run and burn off some energy, look no further than your local playgrounds. Don’t forget elementary school playgrounds, which are usually available to the public after school and on weekends. You most likely have multiple playground areas you can check out, and kids love the variety of visiting different playgrounds. 3 NATIONAL STORES OFFER FREE EVENTS Check your local chain stores, like Barnes & Noble for example, as they often offer free story time each week. Some Pottery Barn Kid’s stores also offer story time. Additionally, Home Depot and Lowe’s sponsor free kids clinics from time to time. 4 LOCAL ZOOS AND AQUARIUMS If you have a local zoo or aquarium in your area, see if they offer any programs that might include reduced-price admission fees for school-aged kids, or special discount days.
5 TOWN CONCERTS AND OTHER EVENTS Many local communities offer free concerts, outdoor evening movies, and more — all free to residents. Many times these events are family friendly, so be sure to check and see what your community has to offer.
“Hanging out side this summer will be a great stress relieve and provide a neccesary vitamin from the sun.” 6 INDOOR POOLS There is something about swimming during the colder months that makes it even more fun than swimming during the summer! If your school district has an indoor pool, chances are you can get a family pass to use the pool during the fall and winter for a reasonable fee. If your own school doesn’t have an indoor pool, check some of the neighboring school districts as many will allow nearby families to pay a fee to use the facilities. 7 LOCAL PARKS Local parks are usually free (or cost a nominal fee) and can offer numerous activities including playgrounds, hiking trails, bike trails and more. Most parks offer picnic areas, so be sure to take your lunch or dinner along. Additionally, area parks may also offer organized programs for kids at various times of the year. TA D P O L E M A G . C O M
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Behind the rose colored glasses and the daydreams of having children parents are faced with the realities of actual parenting. Jennifer Senior discovers why society’s expectations are taking the bliss out of parenting. by Jennifer Senior
There was a day a few weeks ago when I found my
attempted to fix it, he grew impatient and began throwing
2½-year-old son sitting on our building doorstep, waiting
its various parts at the walls, with one plank very narrowly
for me to come home. He spotted me as I was rounding the
missing my eye. I recited the rules of the house (no throw-
corner, and the scene that followed was one of inexpress-
ing, no hitting). He picked up another large wooden plank.
ible loveliness, right out of the movie I’d played to myself
I ducked. He reached for the screwdriver. The scene ended
before actually having a child, with him popping out of his
with a time-out in his crib.
babysitter’s arms and barreling down the street to greet
As I shuffled back to the living room, I thought of
me. This happy moment, though, was about to be cut
something a friend once said about the Children’s Museum
short, and in retrospect felt more like a tranquil lull in a
of Manhattan—“a nice place, but what it really needs is a
slasher film. When I opened our apartment door, I discov-
bar”—and rued how, at that moment, the same thing could
ered that my son had broken part of the wooden parking
be said of my apartment. Two hundred and 40 seconds
garage I’d spent about an hour assembling that morning.
earlier, I’d been in a state of pair-bonded bliss; now I was
This wouldn’t have been a problem per se, except that as I
guided by nerves, trawling the cabinets for alcohol. My TA D P O L E M A G . C O M
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emotional life looks a lot like this these days. I suspect it
and never statistically significant.”
does for many parents—a high-amplitude, high-frequency
Yet one can see why people were rooting for that paper.
sine curve along which we get the privilege of doing hourly
The results of almost all the others violate a parent’s deep-
surfs. Yet it’s something most of us choose. Indeed, it’s
est intuition. Daniel Gilbert, the Harvard psychologist and
something most of us would say we’d be miserable without.
host of This Emotional Life on PBS, wrote fewer than three
From the perspective of the species, it’s perfectly unmys-
pages about compromised parental well-being in Stum-
terious why people have children. From the perspective of
bling on Happiness. But whenever he goes on the lecture
the individual, however, it’s more of a mystery than one
circuit, skeptical questions about those pages come up
might think. Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of
THE BROAD MESSAGE IS NOT THAT CHILDREN MAKE YOU LESS HAPPY; IT’S JUST THAT CHILDREN DON’T MAKE YOU MORE HAPPY.
disciplines. Perhaps the most oft-cited datum comes from a 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize–winning
more frequently than anything else. “I’ve never met anyone
behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas
who didn’t argue with me about this,” he says. “Even
women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in
people who believe the data say they feel sorry for those for
pleasurability out of nineteen activities. (Among the
whom it’s true.”
endeavors they preferred: preparing food, watching
So what, precisely, is going on here? Why is this finding
TV, exercising, talking on the phone, napping, shop-
duplicated over and over again despite the fact that most
ping, housework.) This result also shows up regularly in
parents believe it to be wrong?
relationship research, with children invariably reducing marital satisfaction The economist Andrew Oswald, who’s compared tens
One answer could simply be that parents are deluded, in the grip of some false consciousness that’s good for mankind but not for men and women in particular. Gilbert,
of thousands of Britons with children to those without, is at least inclined to view his data in a more positive light: “The broad message is not that children make you less happy; it’s just that children don’t make you more happy.” That is, he tells me, unless you have more than one. “Then the studies show a more negative impact.” As a rule, most
WHAT KIDS COST
studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that
The cost of raising one child to the age of eigthteen is $226,920.
single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns. But some of the studies are grimmer than others. Robin Simon, a sociologist at Wake Forest University, says parents are more depressed than nonparents no matter what their circumstances—whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or four.
Journal of Happiness on Parenting The idea that parents are less happy than nonparents has become so commonplace in academia that it was big news last year when the Journal of Happiness Studies published a Scottish paper declaring the opposite was true.
CLOTHING $13,200 MISCELLANEOUS $19,110 FOOD $36,210
“Contrary to much of the literature,” said the introduction, “our results are consistent with an effect of children on life satisfaction that is positive, large and increasing in the number of children.” Alas, the euphoria was short-lived. A few months later, the poor author discovered a coding error in his data, and the publication ran an erratum. “After correcting the problem,”it read,“the main results of the paper no longer hold. The effect of children on the life satisfaction of married individuals is small, often negative,
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HOUSING $69,660
6% 8% 8% 14% 16% 17% 31%
HEALTH CARE $18,420 TRANSPORTATION $30,900 EDUCATION $39,420
Time Spent In Childcare 2012 Total Childcare--Weekdays & Weekends
Total Childcare--Weekdays 12:00
Hours Per Day
11:00 10:00 9:00 8:00 7:00 6:00 5:00 4:00 3:00 2:00 1:00 0:00
Single Moms
Single Dads
Seperated Parents
Extended Family
Two Parents
a proud father and grandfather, would argue as much.
1,540 hours of footage of 32 middle-class, dual-earner
He’s made a name for himself showing that we humans are
families with at least two children, all of them going about
pretty sorry predictors of what will make us happy, and to
their regular business in their Los Angeles homes. The
his mind, the yearning for children, the literal mother of all
intention of this study was in no way to make the case that
aspirations for so many, is a very good case in point—what
parents were unhappy. But one of the postdoctoral fellows
children really do, he suspects, is offer moments of tran-
who worked on it, himself a father of two, nevertheless
scendence, not an overall improvement in well-being.
described the video data to the Times as “the very purest
Perhaps. But there are less fatalistic explanations, too.
PEOPLE ASSUME THAT HAVING CHILDREN WILL MAKE THEM HAPPIER. YET A WIDE VARIETY OF ACADEMIC RESEARCH SHOWS THAT PARENTS ARE NOT HAPPIER.
form of birth control ever devised. Ever.” “I have to get it to the part and then pause it,” says the boy. “No,” says his mother. “You do that after you do your homework.”
UCLA’s Studies Everyday Familes Tamar Kremer-Sadlik, the director of research in this
And high among them is the possibility that parents don’t
study, has watched this scene many times. The reason she
much enjoy parenting because the experience of raising
believes it’s so powerful is because it shows how painfully
children has fundamentally changed.
parents experience the pressure of making their children
“I’m going to count to three.”
do their schoolwork. They seem to feel this pressure even
It’s a weekday evening, and the mother in this video-
more acutely than their children feel it themselves.
tape, a trim brunette with her hair in a bun and glasses
The boy starts to shout. “It’s not going to take that long!”
propped up on her head, has already worked a full day and
His mother stops the movie. “I’m telling you no,” she
made dinner. Now she is approaching her 8-year-old son,
says. “You’re not hearing me. I will not let you watch this
the oldest of two, who’s seated at the computer in the den,
now.”
absorbed in a movie. At issue is his homework, which he still hasn’t done. “One. Two …” This clip is from a study conducted by UCLA’s Center on Everyday Lives of Families, which earned a front-page
He starts up the movie again. “No,” she repeats, her voice rising. She places her hand firmly under her son’s arm and starts to yank. “I will not have this— ” Before urbanization, children were viewed as economic
story in the Sunday Times this May and generated plenty
assets to their parents. If you had a farm, they toiled
of discussion among parents. In it, researchers collected
alongside you to maintain its upkeep; if you had a family TA D P O L E M A G . C O M
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Best Methods To Quiet A Crying Baby BINKY 87%
RATTLE 12%
APPLE JUICE 14%
BOTTLE 98%
CLEAN DIAPER 78%
SOLID FOOD 66% TEETH TOYS 9%
business, the kids helped mind the store. But all of this dramatically changed with the moral and technological
as labor.” This is especially true in middle- and upper-income
revolutions of modernity. As we gained in prosperity,
families, which are far more apt than their working-class
childhood came increasingly to be viewed as a protected,
counterparts to see their children as projects to be per-
privileged time, and once college degrees became
fected. (Children of women with bachelor degrees spend
essential to getting ahead, children became not only a
almost five hours on “organized activities” per week, as
great expense but subjects to be sculpted, stimulated,
opposed to children of high-school dropouts, who spend
instructed, groomed. (The Princeton sociologist Viviana Zelizer describes this transformation of a child’s value in five ruthless words: “Economically worthless but emotionally priceless.”) Kids, in short, went from being our staffs to being our bosses. “Did you see Babies?” asks Lois Nachamie, a couples counselor who for years has run parenting workshops and
IF YOU HAD A FARM, CHILDREN TOILED ALONG SIDE YOU TO MAINTAIN ITS UPKEEP; IF YOU HAD A FAMILY BUSINESS, THE KIDS HELPED MIND THE STORE.
support groups on the Upper West Side. She’s referring to the recent documentary that compares the lives of four
two.) Annette Lareau, the sociologist who coined the term
newborns—one in Japan, one in Namibia, one in Mongo-
“concerted cultivation” to describe the aggressive nurtur-
lia, and one in the United States (San Francisco). “I don’t
ing of economically advantaged children, puts it this way:
mean to idealize the lives of the Namibian women,” she
“Middle-class parents spend much more time talking to
says. “But it was hard not to notice how calm they were.
children, answering questions with questions, and treating
They were beading their children’s ankles and decorating
each child’s thought as a special contribution. And this is
them with sienna, clearly enjoying just sitting and playing
very tiring work.” Yet it’s work few parents feel that they
with them, and we’re here often thinking of all of this stuff
can in good conscience neglect, says Lareau, “lest they put
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their children at risk by not giving them every advantage.”
have any pants that fit? There are just So. Many. Chores.”
But the intensification of family time is not confined
This woman, it should be said, is divorced. But even if her
to the privileged classes alone. According to Changing
responsibilities were shared with a partner, the churn of
Rhythms of American Family Life—a compendium of
school and gymnastics and piano and sports and home-
data porn about time use and family statistics, compiled
work would still require an awful lot of administrtion.
by a trio of sociologists named Suzanne M. Bianchi, John
“The crazy thing,” she continues, “is that by New York
P. Robinson, and Melissa A. Milkie—all parents spend
standards, I’m not even overscheduling them.”
more time today with their children than they did in 1975, including mothers, in spite of the great rush of women into the American workforce. Today’s married mothers also have less leisure time (5.4 fewer hours per week); 71
Mothers are less happy than fathers, single parents are less happy still. I ask what she does on the weekends her ex-husband has custody. “I work,” she replies. “And get my nails done.”
MOMS: EVER FEEL ALONE IN HOW YOU PERCEIVE THIS ROLE? I SWEAR I FEEL LIKE I’M SURROUNDED BY WOMEN WHO WERE ONCE SMART & INTERESTING BUT HAVE BECOME ZOMBIES WHO ONLY TALK ABOUT SOCCER AND COUPONS. percent say they crave more time for themselves (as do 57
A few generations ago, people weren’t stopping to con-
percent of married fathers). Yet eigth-five percent of all
template whether having a child would make them happy.
parents still—still!—think they don’t spend enough time
Having children was simply what you did. And we are
with their children.
lucky, today, to have choices about these matters. But the
These self-contradictory statistics reminded me of a
abundance of choices—whether to have kids, when, how
conversation I had with a woman who had been in one of
many—may be one of the reasons parents are less happy.
Nachamie’s parenting groups, a professional who had her
That was at least partly the conclusion of psychologists
children later in life. “I have two really great kids”—ages 9
W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge, who, in 2003, did
and 11—“and I enjoy doing a lot of things with them,” she
a meta-analysis of 97 children-and-marital-satisfaction
told me. “It’s the drudgery that’s so hard: Crap, you don’t
studies stretching back to the seventies. Not only did they find that couples’ overall marital satisfaction went down if they had kids; they found that every successive generation was more put out by having them than the last—our current one most of all. Even more surprisingly, they found
Expecting Twins
that parents’ dissatisfaction only grew the more money
Check Your Odds For Having TWINS
they had, even though they had the purchasing power to buy more child care. “And my hypothesis about why this
? 24% Two Girls
63%
is, in both cases, is the same,” says Twenge. “They become parents later in life. There’s a loss of freedom, a loss of autonomy. It’s totally different from going from your parents’
11%
Two Boys Boy & Girl
house to immediately having a baby. Now you know what you’re giving up.” (Or, as a fellow psychologist told Gilbert when he finally got around to having a child: “They’re a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to crap.”)
Waiting To Have Children Later On In Life Effectes Our Parenting Skills It wouldn’t be a particularly bold inference to say that the longer we put off having kids, the greater our expectations. “There’s all this buildup—as soon as I get this done, I’m going to have a baby, and it’s going to be a great reward!” says Ada Calhoun, the author of Instinctive Parenting and founding editor-in-chief of Babble, the online parenting TA D P O L E M A G . C O M
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