Valley Living Fall 2015 by Valley Living

free! Fall 2015

Smita Mathur: JMU professor combats stigma and ignorance through education

Steve Americaâ&#x20AC;&#x201C; Former pro wrestler spreads inspiration

How VOLUNTEERING MADE LIFE WORTH LIVING once more Shenandoah Spotlight on

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2 living • Fall 2015

Contents 4 Editorial 5 Community Connections 6 JMU Professor combats stigma and ignorance through education 9 White Chili 10 Steve America: Former pro wrestler spreads inspiration through Wal-Mart award 12 Alive again: How volunteering made life worth living once more 14 The unexamined (financial) life 16 Playing with clubbed feet: My most valuable parents 18 First deer hunt 19 Why do they act that way? 20 Baby surprise: A father’s perspective 22 How Todd the cat taught us about healing 23 Shenandoah Spotlight: Sarah Jacobsen 24 When parenting roles reverse 26 Back to school, back to the dinner table 28 When people-pleasing goes too far 30 Birthday party ideas for your child from A-Z 32 Brave is a decision: Letter to my third grade son 35 Word Search

In Every Issue

Community Connections pg. 5

Cooking Corner pg. 9

Money Matters pg. 14

Family Forum pg. 19

Shenandoah Spotlight pg. 23

Living can be found at these locations, and more, throughout the Valley: Harrisonburg DQ Grill & Chill, Carlton St. DQ Grill Harmony Square Friendly City Food Coop Fox’s Pizza Den Gift and Thrift Golden Corral Hardesty Higgins Harrisonburg Farmer’s Market Kate’s Natural Products Massanutten Regional Library

Mercy House Mr. J’s Harmony Square Red Front Supermarket Sentara RMH Clinic Sentara RMH Medical Center Rt. 11 North Exxon Salvation Army Store Sharp Shopper Shenandoah Heritage Farmers Market Styles Unlimited

Bridgewater/Dayton Dayton Farmer’s Market Bridgewater Foods Supermarket Broadway/Timberville Broadway Supermarket Crider’s Store Mac’s Superette Turner Ham

Elkton/Shenandoah Countryside Market/Exxon 340 Market & Deli/Liberty Elkton Grocery Mamma Mia Restaurant Linville Mac’s Market

Mt. Crawford Joy Foodmart Exxon

Penn Laird 7-Eleven On The Run

Mt. Solon/Augusta Co. Zach’s Country Store North River Country Store

Singer’s Glen Grandle’s Glenview Market

New Market Randy’s Hardware 7-Eleven

Weyers Cave Weyers Cave Super Save

Cover photo: Smita Mathur, associate professor in JMU’s College of Education pauses with her daughter Kanika, who recently graduated from Sarah Lawrence College in Yonkers, New York. Mathur dreams of working online to provide more educational opportunities for girls and women in her family’s homeland of India. © BRADLEY STRIEBIG PHOTOGRAPHY

Fall 2015 • living 3

Interconnected

Three big industries in the Shenandoah Valley

(*Updated figures available from July 2015 reports at Virginia Labor Market Information (www.VirginiaLMI.com). The separate reports for Harrisonburg and Rockingham County dovetail with Scott Roger’s list quoted above.)

4 living • Fall 2015

Melodie Davis, editor melodie@valleyliving.org

Our fall issue of Valley Living presents three individuals making a difference in three areas of life that affect us all: education, health care or industry. Either you or a family member likely works in one of these broad areas, or you know someone who does or did. According to a blog entry titled “50 Largest Employers in Harrisonburg, Rockingham County,” (2012) by Scott Rogers, Funkhouser Real Estate Group, the top five employers in Harrisonburg/Rockingham County* are: James Madison University, Sentara/Rockingham Memorial Hospital, Rockingham County Schools, Cargill Meat Solutions and Wal-Mart. Our main local stories in this issue focus on people who either work or volunteer for three of the top five: James Madison University, Sentara RMH Medical Center or WalMart. Let’s start with the Wal-Mart related story, which came to us first. Steve America has worked for the Wal-Mart Distribution Center in Mt. Crawford for nine years and he tells how he seeks to better his own life and that of his co-workers through an employee incentive program called ZP. His goals to strengthen and improve family connections made a great fit for this publication. He was a $15,000 winner in WalMart’s competition last year (p. 10). Deborah Thompson, director of volunteer services at Sentara RMH Medical Center suggested the story of how Dave Huyard, who lost his wife Anna Mary of 56 years, “got his life back” after he began volunteering at the local hospital. Dave is a multitalented and experienced pastor, painter, chef (many will remember his restaurant in the Dayton Farmer’s Market) and violin maker. His touching story begins on p. 12. Finally, a relative newcomer to the Valley, Smita Mathur, is a respected and loved professor in the education department at JMU. She shares how she teaches aspiring teachers to tap into the gifts and practical know-how of the parents and families of students—no matter if they work in the poultry industry, fixing cars or fixing meals— and how this educational approach has multiple benefits (p.6). We’re pleased to share these stories not only because each of these institutions or businesses has a huge presence in the Valley and as such, “complaint” stories about them are frequent, also. But as these individuals in our Valley Living stories show, there are beautiful, hard working, caring people who strive to not only better their own lives, but the lives of everyone around them. That is why we create this quarterly magazine: to highlight the positive and the encouraging—the good news which sometimes gets missed elsewhere. We are indebted to our faithful advertisers and sponsors (and some new ones in this issue!), our hard working sales representative Susan Huffman, several local writers, and the many fans and folks who send affirming and day-brightening notes and letters. You can help us by reading and sharing the publication with friends and family, and patronizing the businesses you see here. Let them know you appreciate their support of this magazine, and being able to read moving and fascinating stories, educational articles and encouraging columns. We also give a shout out to the Harrisonburg-Rockingham Chamber of Commerce whose ranks we’ve recently joined, thanks to the efforts of Susan Huffman, our main representative there. Our valley is a lovely place to live, work, go to school and practice deeply held faith beliefs. Many will visit the valley this fall: for autumn scenery, bringing young adults back and forth to college and to the many fall festivals held here. I first moved to the Shenandoah Valley almost 45 years ago as a college student. Like many others, I ended up staying, marrying and raising a family here. It’s a great place to call home.

Volume 24 No. 3

Valley Living inspires hope, encourages faith and builds positive relationships in the home, workplace and community. Media for Living, Publisher Melodie Davis, Editor Susan Miller Huffman, Sales Representative Mary Jo Veurink, Layout & Design Lindsey Shantz, Production & Finance Manager

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To reserve space in future editions (540) 433-5351 or info@valleyliving.org

Media for Living Board of Directors Trisha Blosser, President David Rohrer, Vice President William J. “Bill” Troyer, Treasurer Tracey Veney, Secretary Jonas Borntrager Steven C. “Dusty” Rhodes Jessica Hostetler David Slykhuis LaDawn Knicely Bonnie Hamilton

Opinions expressed in Valley Living are not necessarily those of Media for Living. Published cooperatively with Media for Living, a non-profit corporation, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22802 (540) 433-5351 • info@valleyliving.org www.valleyliving.org Printed in the USA by Engle Printing, Mount Joy, Pa. © 2015 by Media for Living

Community Connections

“

Letters, local events, news 2007 Dayton-area farm tragedy retold in new book

”

You made it hard to choose … best magazine ever this month. – Vivian Hitt, Elkton

Christian Light women (regardless of where they plan to Thank you for the article of this wonderful Publications in or have already given birth). It provides family.” Harrisonburg mothers with a way to learn about – Charlotte Gehr, Westminster, MD has published pregnancy and postpartum mood and a new book, anxiety disorders including stress, anxiety Has recipe in Mennonite Community Somewhere in and depression. A presenter starts each Cookbook the Skies (2015), meeting to help women learn more about “I love Mary Emma’s cookbook. That is about the Scott their condition and ideas for recovery. often the first one I get out. I am in my 80s Showalter farm and have a recipe in there.” Upcoming topics for the 7-8 p.m. tragedy of 2007 – Martha Witmer, Rockingham meetings include: near Dayton, Va. September 24: How postpartum anxiety, Written by Becky Harvey Yoder a favorite stress and depression can rob you of sleep McGurrin, the “All the stories are good and October 22: Will I ever feel like myself book was compiled from news accounts, heartwarming. I especially enjoy Mr. again? interviews with survivors, and memories Yoder.” [Harvey Yoder’s Family Forum November 19: To breastfeed or not to of Showalter family life as reflected by regular column] Scott Showalter’s mother, Reba Showalter. breastfeed? – Lucretia Carter, Weyers Cave On July 2, 2007, an accident involving Newborns up to 12 months old the manure-handling equipment on the Learning from sad stories are welcome. Each session is led by dairy farm tragically claimed the lives “My daughter gets this magazine for me. Postpartum Support Virginia Volunteers. of Scott, his wife Phyllis, two of their Sessions are held at Sentara RMH I enjoy reading each story and doing the daughters and a hired man, Amos Stoltzfus Funkhouser Women’s Center in word search. Some stories are sad, but we as they tried to help rescue Scott. The Harrisonburg. Interpreters are available by learn something from all of them. Keep up chilling story shocked the Shenandoah notifying Healthsource at 564-7200. the good work.” Valley and local residents. The book – Joyce Lam, Elkton focuses on how faith and extended Letters from readers family and friends stood by the survivors, Great grandmother to Brubaker children Correction including eventual adoption of the two We regret omitting Chuck Keplinger responds orphaned daughters. as the name of the photographer for all “I’m Margaret (Peggy) Brubaker’s Author McGurrin, formerly photos for the article, “Celebrating 20 grandmother (91 years old). a resident of the Shenandoah years of classical ballet theater in Valley now lives in West the Valley” in the summer issue of Virginia and has authored Valley Living. three additional books, including her personal memoir, Just Plain Becky, published by Vision Publishers (2015). Information on both books available from Christian Light Faithful word search fans completed 267 word Publications at 540-434-0768 or search puzzles on “spices” and voted for their top online at clp.org. articles in the summer issue of Valley Living as follows: “The Steel Wheels: Rolling with fiddler Media for Living, Support group for Eric Brubaker’s family” and “Just in time” tied at publisher of Valley Living pregnancy and post-partum 58; “A son’s Father’s Day” – 57; “A special doily” magazine, seeks to hire a stress – 53; The Virginia roots of Mary Emma Showalter’s A free support group sales representative. cookbook” and “Day to remember” were also tied “Understanding Pregnancy and Go to valleyliving.org at 35 votes. All articles and the puzzle can be found Postpartum Stress and Depression” for full job description! online at valleyliving.org is open to pregnant or postpartum

Word Search Notes

Responses from readers

Fall 2015 • living 5

JMU professor combats stigma and ignorance through education by LAUREE PURCELL

r. Smita Mathur is an Associate Professor in JMU’s College of Education whose research agenda empowers local teachers to use the unique strengths of their students communities to make required curriculum more interesting, inspiring and memorable. “Every child has strengths that they are bringing to class whether they realize it or not,” says Smita. For example, “a father who repairs cars could speak to the class regularly about changing the oil, oil viscosity, air pressure in tires, the purpose of antifreeze and other car maintenance and repair issues. As the teacher weaves the father’s lessons into the curriculum to help the students see it in practical terms, his son’s respect for him grows.” “Similarly, a mother who works in poultry packaging could talk to the class about quality control, temperature, decay, freezing and issues related to loading chicken trucks, such as how many chickens fit into each cage, how many are on the

truck and how long it takes to fill a truck. Many science and math lessons are covered.” “By harnessing these funds of knowledge, we make learning authentic for the children we are teaching,” says Smita. “It’s good for the community because it takes away from stigmas in certain jobs and builds mutual respect between ethnicities and cultures.” And, because schools are underfunded and don’t have enough teachers, we need to use resources already available in the community. Ruthie Bosh, a professor in JMU’s School of Education is already doing work with this concept of “Funds of Knowledge.” Smita moved to the Harrisonburg area from University of Southern Florida (USF) just two years ago. As an Associate Professor in the field of Early, Elementary, and Reading Education, she brings a wealth of experience in meeting the educational needs of economically disadvantaged students who come from diverse backgrounds. After living all over the world, Smita has a unique perspective on how ethnicity and cultural background affect education.

“As the teacher weaves the father’s lessons into the curriculum to help the students see it in practical terms, his son’s respect for him grows.”

6 living • Fall 2015

Smita was born in Huntsville, Ala. where her father was a physicist at NASA and worked with Werner von Braun. Her parents were the first Indian family in Huntsville, and the Huntsville Times wrote a newspaper article on her mother entitled “Indian Princess Makes Home in Huntsville.” But her family left there when she was a year old and moved back to India for a few years. Smita was exposed to many types of people and ways of life as her father collaborated and taught in India, Scotland and Nigeria—and brought his family with him. Throughout these travels, the family cultivated strong friendships with people of all faiths. In Hindi, Smita means one who smiles from the Hindi root word “Smit” or smile. Smita’s lifestyle in New Delhi as a Smita Mathur, associate professor in education at JMU, demonstrates how using everyday child was quite different from U.S. norms. home examples to teach children math or scientific concepts has multiple benefits for students Smita’s family had a gardener, a woman to and parents. PHOTOS © BRADLEY STRIEBIG PHOTOGRAPHY sweep and mop the house, a woman to help I have taken various academic positions and has been the one her mother cook and prep, a weekly “dhobi” who came to to transport Kanika to all her lessons and social events,” says launder the bed sheets and towels, and another woman to wash Smita. Shailesh works for MetLife out of their home. daily clothes like school uniforms and other garments. While teaching at USF, Smita noticed the children of Food had to be rationed throughout Smita’s early childhood. migrant farmers needed to be taught by people who shared Ration cards were used for many years to make sure everyone their culture, but the migrant workers were not academically got their share of what was available. The gardener used prepared to become teachers. By applying for a $1.2 million the family’s ration card to buy wheat, sugar, rice, semolina research grant from Helios Education Foundation for tuition, and cooking oil. The wheat had to be washed and dried in textbooks and tutorials, Smita helped 108 migrant workers the sun before the gardener transported it by bicycle to be get a college education and meet the qualifications to become ground at the mill. Today, the ration cards are mainly used for teachers. Many of them had educational experience back in identification purposes, and the last armed conflict occurred in Mexico or other Latin American countries, but were having 1999 in the northern state of Kashmir. trouble learning English. Smita got them the tutors and other Smita’s parents have always believed education is important support they needed to succeed. and every child should embrace an art form whether it be One of her students who used to clean homes is now drawing, painting, singing, playing an instrument or dancing. in graduate school at USF to become a social worker. Starting when Smita and her sister were 4 and 5 years old, Another was an African American grandmother raising her they hired a music teacher who came to the house three times grandchildren because her two children were incarcerated. The each week to teach the girls Indian classical music. “Our grandmother used the school’s food pantry program to feed environment was a complex mix of empowered living through her family. The grandmother had repeatedly failed the required schooling and yet patriarchal in other ways,” says Smita. “In math course and was losing hope of ever graduating. Smita fifth grade, we were required to stop wearing skirts and wear realized the context of the story problems in the math class the traditional salwar kameez instead.” were subjects like air travel which the grandmother had never Rather than writing her own name, “Krishna Kumari,” in a experienced. By asking the professor to change the context of book she owned, Smita’s grandmother wrote “Wife of Prem the problems to fit the grandmother’s culture, Smita made it Behari.” “I remember thinking that was a little odd, and it possible for her to do the math and pass the course. made me think about how Indian women in her day thought Smita sees a need for better educational opportunities for about their identity,” says Smita. She wants to empower her girls in her home country of India. When her grandmother, daughter, Kanika, to be secure in her Indian identity. Smita’s Krishna Kumari, finished 8th grade, there was no further husband, Shailesh, has been supportive of raising Kanika, who education available in her village. It was a small community just graduated from Sarah Lawrence College in New York, to with no electricity or running water. Krishna’s principal was do what she wants rather than choosing a career path for her in so impressed with her he arranged funding for her continued the traditional Indian way. Kanika’s accomplishments will be education in the nearest city. But her family decided it was based on her own decisions and determination. time for her to get married rather than continuing to go to “Shailesh has been an amazing father to Kanika and so school. supportive of me throughout our marriage. He has relocated as

Continued on page 8 Fall 2015 • living 7

Continued from page 7

Later in life, Krishna started a high school for girls in her village so the next generation of girls would have better opportunities. Smita would like to follow the precedent set by her grandmother and help educate girls there, too. She hasn’t worked out the details yet, but she may use technology to provide online educational opportunity for Indian girls and young women. The development and use of science and technology has changed India remarkably since Smita left in 1991. Smita earned a B.S. from Sophia College in Ajmer, India. It was a Catholic women’s college run by nuns. Her days there included morning assembly and lights out by 9 p.m. “It was quite a convent-dominant educational model,” admits Smita. But she graduated with the highest test scores of any student in her state. Then she earned a M.S. degree from The Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda in Vadodara, India – a JMU partner. Before coming to Syracuse University (SU) where she received her PhD in Human Development in child and family services, she worked as assistant editor publishing two magazines in New Delhi, India. For People’s Action, Smita documented grassroots activism across the nation, especially the women’s movement. The

other magazine, Moving Technology, focused on innovations in villages. For example, one village found an inexpensive way to make dome-shaped houses that were resistant to hurricanes. Solar connections provided electricity since the community’s electrical supply was unreliable. In India, power and water supplies are intentionally turned off during certain times to conserve what is available. Over the past decade, Harrisonburg City Schools have experienced growing pains as the children of immigrants from all over the world have entered their doors by the hundreds enriching the learning environment with a wide variety of languages, cultures and customs. Smita is one of many JMU professors promoting diversity awareness and encouraging all teachers to embrace multiculturalism. By sharing her worldview, she can help future teachers understand sociocultural variables that impact student learning and factors that shape immigrants’ learning experiences. Such knowledge is essential for creating effective school programs and educational services to meet the needs of culturally diverse individuals. LAUREE STROUD PURCELL serves as an editorial consultant for Living. She and her husband Steve have two daughters.

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Cooking Corner

Recipes and tips for cooking at home

White Chili This recipe was adapted from “Simply In Season” cookbook and serves four. Leave out the chicken for a wonderful vegetarian dish. 1/2 1/2 cup 1/4 cup 2 cloves 2 tbsp. 2 tbsp. 2 cups 1/2 cup 2 cups 2 cups 1 cup 1/4 cup 1 tsp. 1/2 tsp. 1/4 tsp. 1. In a heavy-bottomed cooking pot, saute the onions, green pepper, chilies and garlic in a little oil until just tender. Transfer to a bowl and set aside. 2. Using the same pot, melt the butter, blend in the flour and cook briefly. 3. Stir in the broth and milk and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until the sauce thickens. 4. Add the remaining ingredients to the pot, including the sauted vegetables. Heat through and taste. Season more if needed.

medium onion, chopped green pepper, chopped mild green chilies (canned) garlic, minced butter flour chicken or vegetable broth milk cooked navy or other white bean corn cooked chopped turkey or chicken (optional) sour cream ground cumin salt black pepper

From the blog Thy Hand Hath Provided, written by “Jane,” www.thyhandhathprovided.com.

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Fall 2015 • living 9

Steve America and daughter Jessica Hinkle record their song “No More” at Alive Studios in Harrisonburg, Va.

PHOTO BY MELODIE DAVIS

Steve America: Former pro wrestler spreads inspiration through Wal-Mart award

by MELODIE M. DAVIS

teve America. Yes, that’s his real name. And it couldn’t be more fitting for this upbeat guy who works for the WalMart Distribution Center in Mt. Crawford. Last year Steve was named a $15,000 winner in the national Wal-Mart ZP Challenge annual incentive program encouraging employees to better their lives through making positive changes in the areas of fitness, family life, finances and food. A former pro wrestler, Steve used part of the award fund to invite his second oldest daughter, Jessica Hinkle, to a professional recording session at Alive Studios in Harrisonburg where they recorded an original antiwar song, “No More.” Steve had recorded music previously at the studio run by Robbie Meadows, including theme “entrance” music for his wrestling matches, and “Don’t Give Up,” accompanied by Daniel Baugher on guitar, which he uploaded to iTunes—with all proceeds going to The Children’s Miracle Network. The set up on iTunes allows for 60 percent of each 99 cent upload to go to the charity. Steve knows a lot personally about not giving up. In 1999 he was severely injured in a car accident. A steel rod had to be put in his right femur and he went through extensive rehab at 10 living • Fall 2015

Woodrow Wilson Rehabilitation Center in Fishersville, Va. But he is just grateful he survived. “Life is a gift from God and I felt that the Lord spared my life for a reason and I hope to inspire others.” Steve and his wife, Lynn or “Mrs. America” as Steve likes to joke, have a blended family of five children: Heather, Jessica, Mileena, Autumn and Justin. “I live to do as much as I can with the ZP program, especially in the ‘family’ category,” Steve remarked. He thought that recording a song with Jessica would be something special to do together. He has now also recorded a song with his daughter Autumn titled “Tomb” that has over 1000 downloads. After winning the ZP challenge, Steve became a ZP coach for a team of his Wal-Mart distribution center associates who chose to participate. “I want to help individuals accomplish their goals in all areas of their life,” Steve says. “At work, our morale and productivity has turned around. We stretch at the beginning of the shift, and play basketball on breaks.” Betty Gayle Cole has been a coworker with Steve at the WalMart distribution center. “Steve is definitely a go getter and encourager for a lot of people,” Betty Gayle commented. “He

pushed me outside of my comfort zone and while that’s not always what you want to hear, it a good thing in the long run to accomplish your goals,” she concluded. Steve completed a “book”—a daily journal of his efforts which kept him on track. As a former wrestler where bulking up muscle is critical, he found the “food” part of the ZP program to be the most difficult. “I wanted to be ethical with what I said and did” and set a goal of eating just 500 calories a meal to help shape up. He had never been big on eating healthy vegetables and foods even though encouraging his children to eat healthily. “I got through it,” Steve said of his diet during the program, with both Jessica and Steve laughing about his efforts to eat healthier. “I needed to practice what I preached.” For daily improvements in his fitness goals, he would push himself to maybe work out just five extra minutes. His job also involves strenuous physical activity including lifting—so he began thinking of his job as a workout and that he was getting paid to work out. “If I have to work my tail end off, I might as well think of it as a workout,” Steve quipped.

To make improvements in his family life, Steve focused on making sure “I told someone each day how much I care for them.” To make improvements in his family life, Steve focused on making sure “I told someone each day how much I care for them.” He also worked to find time to do special things as a family and with individual members, such as recording music. He also likes to think of his coworkers as family—“the people who are in your life every day”—and also included goals for making sure he expressed appreciation to them. Steve has worked at the Wal-Mart distribution center over nine years and currently works second shift which he enjoys because “people go out of their way to help each other. The people make the job.” Steve also tackled the finance end of his ZP commitment by eliminating fast food for a month, saying before the ZP challenge he ate out almost every day, especially since he works second shift with a different schedule than his family. “That really zaps your paycheck,” he pointed out. By cooking more for himself including eating more vegetables, he found that eating healthier gave him more energy. Overall, the ZP challenge program “changed my view of everything,” Steve expresses. He mentioned an uncle, Terry,

Where to find Steve’s music: Steve and Jessica’s song “No More,” has had over 500 downloads since it came out, and can be purchased on iTunes. It has also been played on local radio station 98.5. itunes.apple.com/us/album/no-more-feat.-jessica-hinkle/ id989646334 Also available on CD Baby and Amazon. www.cdbaby.com/cd/steveamerica5 “Don”t Give Up,” featuring Steve and co-worker Betty Gayle Cole is also available on iTunes, Amazon, and CD Baby. “Tomb,” recorded with daughter Autumn has had over 1000 downloads on iTunes, Amazon, and CD Baby. All proceeds go to Children’s Miracle Network. who gave Steve money for his first car, even though Terry himself couldn’t really afford it. “He was just a huge inspiration; he inspired me to do better, and I want him to know how much he means to us,” Steve says gratefully. Jessica is also inspired by her stepfather: “He is just awesome. When I first met him, I already thought he was awesome,” adding that what he has been able to do through the ZP program and award impressed her. Jessica works for SBM site services in Elkton and is also a supervisor at the Dairy Queen there where Steve and family enjoy “taking advantage of the 50 percent discount” for employee families. Steve and Lynn are members of the Grottoes United Methodist Church and Steve says, “My foundation is Jesus and my guiding force in everything I do. I couldn’t have done any of this without him.” When he wrestled he played a “good guy— not aggressive. That’s not my nature.” He would pray regularly before going into the ring. “It’s unbelievable how much small, every-day changes can make such a big difference,” Steve wrote in his bio for the WalMart ZP Challenge webpage. “$15,000 is an amazing gift, and there are so many other amazing gifts we’ve gotten from ZP. Getting the positive recognition at work was huge. Knowing my family knows how I feel about them is another gift.” Steve wishes to inspire others saying, “You have to live with passion.” MELODIE DAVIS, editor of Living, is the mother of three young adult daugthers, and lives wih her husband near Harrisonburg, Va. She also blogs at www.FindingHarmonyBlog.com. 18th annual

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Alive again:

How volunteering made life worth living once more by DAVE HUYARD

e had been married for 56 years; we always felt our marriage was made in heaven, and then our love relationship solidified while serving on the mission

Anna Mary took two more breaths and then she was gone. As I held the hand of the love of my life, she quietly slipped into eternity, and there in that hospital room at that moment, field. something inside of me also died. Love always reaches its But in 2009, we were informed my wife’s health problems highest pinnacle when two individuals experience true love were terminal. After being told that by the doctor, we went in marriage. When this love becomes severed, our better self home and did is ripped out not talk about of us and our it. We were life changes in denial but forever. Our also hoped and pain is deep prayed healing and the loss would happen. is great. One day I Even though finally asked recovery is Anna Mary a process, the following as survivors question: “If we will work it’s true what through the the doctors say, pain of our what shall I situation but do should you we will never indeed leave fully get over me?” She it. Dave Huyard explains the typical Shenandoah Valley homestead on the mural titled “Yesterday” he looked at me Together created on an entire wall of the break room for the Emergency Room nurses’ lounge at Sentara/RMH. for a long time we had served PHOTOS BY MELODIE DAVIS and finally said, the Lord in the ‘You’ll know when the time comes.” mission field and later at our food service in the Dayton Anna Mary had been admitted to Sentara Rockingham Farmer’s Market. For those 12 years we learned to know Memorial Hospital eight times during the two years after the so many wonderful people here in the Shenandoah Valley. diagnosis. The service we both received during her stays and After we terminated Huyard’s Country Kitchen, I continued my visit to RMH was extended with the greatest care, love and my interest in art and handcrafting violins. We always did compassion. everything together and together made a total of 62 violins. My wife slipped into a coma but as a pastor and counselor I was Anna Mary’s primary caregiver during the last two

Something changed within my spirit and I felt myself becoming alive again. for many years, I know that persons in a coma can hear and understand their loved ones. I knew she was nearing the end. I stayed with her all night to be with her and so she wouldn’t be alone. On the morning of March 8, 2012 I decided to take charge and give her ‘permission’ to leave me. She was suffering, so even though I hated to do it, I took her hands in mine and looked her in the face and said “Anna Mary, it’s ok for you to go now. Go and see our baby. Go see your mother and father. It’s ok. Go home to Jesus.” 12 living • Fall 2015

years of her life, and now it has been three years that she is gone. This means that for the past five years, I became inactive concerning my interest in art and violin-building and had no plans to continue. One day last fall, I was having a really bad day and decided to revisit the room at RMH where I had said my final goodbye. Since the room was not occupied, I spent some time just remembering the last time I had been in it and then the thought hit me. I could serve as a volunteer at the hospital and perhaps

through this avenue I could find healing, and closure could happen. Surely there must be other people here who also are hurting; perhaps I could bring encouragement into their lives. After serving as a volunteer two days each week for nearly six months both in the Emergency Department and the Critical Unit, the head nurse, Jill Young asked if I would be interested in painting a wall mural in the nurses’ lounge off the ER to create a more relaxing and de-stressed atmosphere, more like “home.” Jill had heard from another nurse that I was an artist. I obliged. It was during this time that something changed within my spirit and I felt myself becoming alive again. I enlisted help from the nurses as they visited the lounge, to help paint flowers or add towels or shirts or pants hanging from the clothes line in the mural behind the old farmhouse. So was it interaction with patients as a volunteer? Was it affirmation from the hospital staff as we worked? Or maybe it was the words from a nurse who said to me, “Thanks, Dave, for becoming a part of the RMH family.” I believe it was a combination of the total RMH experience. Something inside my spirit came alive, and for the first time in three years, I felt like myself again. I knew healing was happening and I realized in a very real way, as Anna Mary had said, “You’ll know when the time comes.” After completing the mural, I decided to make another violin. But this time I would not be using traditional and

expensive exotic wood. I decided to use wood from my scrap heap: discarded material, making a statement that by God’s grace and the encouragement of others, we can always experience new beginnings. It usually takes me at least six weeks to meticulously handcraft a violin; there is nothing Jill Young, head nurse for the Sentara/RMH more gratifying emergency room and Jane Miller point to than to take a pieces of clothing they painted for the old clothesline on the “Yesterday” mural. The rough piece of painting offers workers a scenic change of wood and create pace from the often frenetic and traumatic an instrument that emergency room atmosphere. makes beautiful music. I made this one in four weeks and realize it will no doubt almost remain to be admired as a wall hanger; I was amazed though by the tonal quality. I titled the violin “Restored.” It was my first finished violin in five years. I will always be indebted to Amy, Jill, and Jane in the Emergency Room Department, and to Deb and Sherry in the Volunteer Services Department. Thank you for bringing me back to life again. What am I going to do with the violin? Probably give it away. When the time comes.

Huyard is also a violin maker, having crafted over 62 violins over the years with the help of his beloved wife, Anna Mary. He named this violin “Restored,” because it was the first violin he finished since Anna Mary’s illness and death.

Dave Huyard is a longtime resident of the Shenandoah Valley and was the chef and owner of the former Huyard’s Country Kitchen at Dayton Farmer’s Market. He is a retired pastor, artist, and violin maker.

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Fall 2015 • living 13

Money Matters

Guidance on family finances

The unexamined (financial) life by KEN AND KAREN GONYER

“T

A car bought on a sudden whim—or any thing that helps to lift our spirits—can set us off track of financial goals.

14 living • Fall 2015

we moved into our new subdivision, the deep green color of our neighbors’ lawn made our grass look yellowish. For some reason, this left Ken feeling “less than” and a little bit ashamed. It was tempting to join our neighbors and chemically enhance our own little lawn. Tempting until we learned that the price tag could reach a thousand dollars a year! At this stage of life, that’s definitely not how we want to spend our money. If we’d responded with our pride instead of our financial plan, we would have had more green in our yard but a lot less green in our wallet.

Emotions have great power to impact the way we spend money. It’s amazing how many financial decisions are based on passionate feelings instead of cool logic. Without taking time to think and pray about our spending and examine our financial priorities, we’re all susceptible to the snare of emotional spending. It’s not a healthy place to be. Our list of financially-poisonous emotions includes jealousy, guilt, loneliness, shame, unhealthy pride, fear, worthlessness, fatigue, boredom, heartbreak, paranoia, and anxiety. There are © THINKSTOCK

he unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates We didn’t know who had pulled into our driveway until they stepped out of the flawlessly shiny and stylish silver car. It was a couple of our close friends who had just that weekend traveled out of state to drop their daughter off for her first year in college. As we welcomed them in, Ken pointed at the car’s temporary tags. “New?” he asked the husband. With a shrug and a sheepish grin, our friend nodded. “Therapy,” explained the wife. That was a few years ago, and we were reminded of the experience this past summer as we got ready for the emotional impact of taking our oldest child to a college many hours away. We now have a new understanding of what might have motivated our friends to make that five-figure impulse buy. It happens to all of us. As we’re enduring difficult situations, our hearts search for something that will make us feel better. In those moments, we sometimes make decisions without engaging our brains or consulting our budgets. Although we didn’t stop at an auto dealership on our way home, we could certainly have used some sort of “therapy” to help ease the transition. For Karen, shopping for fabric in some Amish country quilt shops would be good medicine. Ken thought relief could be found in the flavors of a gourmet fondue restaurant. In either case, it would take money to improve our moods. Emotions have great power to impact the way we spend money. It’s amazing how many financial decisions are based on passionate feelings instead of cool logic. We have an acquaintance in his 50s who calls his two-seater Mazda Miata his “mid-life crisis” car. Somehow, the sporty convertible eases some of his dread about aging. We remember another couple whose deep insecurity led them to spend much, much more on their child’s wedding than they could afford. They didn’t want anyone to “look down” on them, so they went into debt for years to pay for an event most of the guests have completely forgotten. And then there is the divorced father we met who tries to relieve his guilt about the failed marriage by loading his children up with expensive gifts during their summer visit. Sometimes living by our feelings is just silly. When

probably many more that we haven’t yet felt or seen ourselves. They’re all feelings that motivate unwise money decisions. We learned in a counseling class that addicts are at their weakest when they are feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired. That’s the signal that they need to HALT, examine their state of mind, and make healthy choices. In the same way, when we recognize negative emotions welling up, we need to be on guard against thoughtless spending. Not all emotions are bad for your finances. In fact, some feelings motivate us to handle money in a very positive way. For example, emotions such as love, commitment, generosity and liberality inspire us to care for our families and provide for our children. Honor and gratitude lead us to help parents and grandparents in need. Faith encourages us to feed those who hunger and to bless those in need. Responsibility and conscientiousness provoke us to communicate about money with our spouse and create a spending plan together. This is good for us. All of these positive emotions have beneficial outcomes that make us feel better. We don’t want to live an “unexamined” life this year, especially in the area of finances. Instead, we want to bravely face our own flawed attitudes and negative emotions. We want to make conscious, prayerful and positive decisions about the ways we spend and save money. In faith, with God’s help, we know we will. KEN GONYER is Director of Member Care at Park View Federal Credit Union (www.pvfcu.org) in Harrisonburg, Va. KAREN GONYER is a real estate agent with KlineMay Realty in Harrisonburg, Va. Email questions to ken.gonyer@pvfcu.org.

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Fall 2015 • living 15

PHOTOS PROVIDED

Playing with clubbed feet:

My most valuable parents by JENNIFER WENZEL

t was a Tuesday night in November, and we were running 20 laps around the gym—one for each serve we missed in volleyball practice. As usual, I was bringing up the rear—about to get lapped by Rachel our middle blocker and high school track star. My feet throbbed, and my thighs were beginning to cramp. Neither of my coaches knew of my problem—I was born with talipes equinovarus, commonly known as clubfoot. The bones in my feet and ankles were deformed at birth. It took surgery, casts and years of physical therapy just to allow me to walk. Yet here I was, trying to keep pace with the varsity team, too embarrassed to tell anyone how much it hurt. Coach Mallory blew her whistle, and I limped to a stop. Outside, I found Mom waiting in her Honda minivan, listening to Tim McGraw. I dragged myself into the passenger seat, no longer able to fight the tears. “Why are you crying?” she asked. I buckled my seatbelt and pulled off my Nikes. “My feet

She was right. I loved this sport. Even if it hurt me every time I played, I’d still do it. hurt so bad,” I said. “I sucked today. I couldn’t even run laps.” “Oh, honey, I’m really sorry,” she said. “But you can’t cry about that. You love volleyball. Even if you’re the worst, you know you wouldn’t quit.” She was right. I loved this sport. Even if it hurt me every time I played, I’d still do it. All those years when I was hobbling around in corrective I have planted … but God gave the increase. 1 Cor. 3:6

shoes and my parents were stretching my feet every night at bedtime, my mother and father knew I would be challenged. But they refused to coddle me, and they wanted Jennifer playing high school volleyball. to make sure I didn’t expect others to either. Once I graduated from Velcro to shoelaces, they suggested I try something new—like a sport. I never thought I’d be an athlete, but, at the age of 9, egged on by some recess friends, I told my parents I wanted to try volleyball. They were delighted and took me to a sports store to pick up a white Wilson ball and a pair of kneepads. As I practiced passing and serving, my parents treated me like any other aspiring athlete. Every game I’d find them in the bleachers, my mom cheering and my dad studying my performance. Afterwards, my dad would pull me aside, laugh with me at my mistakes, and tell me what to work on for next time. My mother, my personal cheerleader, was fairly sure I’d be playing for the U.S. in the London Olympics. In eighth grade, Coach assigned me the most difficult role in volleyball: the setter’s position. As setter, I was part of every rally and had to cover a lot of the court. I was probably sprinting three miles every match. Some days the pain was so blistering I’d come home and collapse on my bed for the rest of the evening. Despite it all, my mom and dad maintained their outlook. “You can quit or keep going,” they would tell me. “Whatever you choose, we support you.” As the pain got worse and the games more competitive, I sometimes came close to quitting. Then I could go home after school, put my feet up, and watch “The Office” like everyone

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16 living • Fall 2015

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Author Jennifer Wenzel with her parents at high school graduation. Jennifer overcame a severe disability to play high school volleyball, a sport she loved.

else. Like any teenager, I sometimes forgot my parents’ wisdom and complained. When I was alone and I pulled off my ankle braces, I’d remember their words: they’d respect my decision as long as it was what I wanted. I realized I wasn’t playing for them. But they were with me through every finger jam and floor burn. Their actions proved their words. Parents wonder if teenagers listen. They do. I didn’t always tell my mom and dad I appreciated their support. But I did. I wish I had shown them just how much their words meant to me. The moments I cherish most are the ones where they pushed me to play my best, despite my feet pain. They openly believed in me. And I believed them. Looking back now, I am grateful for my disability. It taught

me I can overcome obstacles and try new things. I owe my perseverance to my parents who were always there beside me. They let me make mistakes. They didn’t shelter or coddle me. They let me acknowledge my challenges and let me choose not to use them as an excuse. At my senior awards banquet, Coach handed out the plaques for Most Improved Player and Best Hitter. I sat through the ceremony without hearing my name. One award remained on the table. “And, this year’s MVP,” Coach said, “Is Jenn.” I didn’t hear the rest of the nice things he said about me. What I remember is my parents smiling as he handed me the plaque and how much they gushed over me as we drove home. They were my MVPs. JENNIFER WENZEL is a freelance writer from California.

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Fall 2015 • living 17

by KATHI WHRITENOUR

started hunting at the age of 8. My father and brother took me squirrel hunting with our dog, a Shepard mix. I was hooked. Every chance we got, we went hunting. I knew it would be a part of my life forever and I would pass it down to my children and grandchildren. I have two children, a son and a daughter. I introduced them both to hunting at a young age, going for pheasant with our Labrador retriever mix. It was more than hunting for food; it was a time to teach them responsibility and family bonding. We began, with firearm safety then target shooting with a .410 and then skeet in the back field. They both took their hunter safety courses and passed with flying colors. We went pheasant, rabbit and squirrel hunting and finally for deer. Both of my children have harvested many deer in their lives. I had their first deer heads preserved and they hang on my wall to this day. My children are both grown and this fall I was given the great pleasure of introducing my first grandson to deer hunting. *** At 5 a.m. on a very cold December morning, my grandson gets up and dresses, surprisingly wide awake and smiling. He has hot chocolate and a protein bar for breakfast and then packs his bag for the hunt. I smile as I see him put his flashlight, snacks, water and a book, in his bag. This is something his father always did because he said it helped to pass the time, while waiting for a deer to come by. We decide he will sit with me this first hunt, and I pack my bag with a blanket and a seat warming cushion for him.

This fall I was given the great pleasure of introducing my first grandson to deer hunting. His grandfather helps him put on his layers of coats and his orange vest, the same one his father used before him. On his head goes an orange knit cap, then his blaze orange hunter’s hat with the furry ear flaps, and a scarf goes around his neck. He helps him put on his backpack, filled with his essentials for

the hunt and his long, warm gloves. It is dark when we head to the stand; he uses his flashlight to lead the way. We have practiced getting into the stand many times, in preparation for this day. I am so proud of him, as he takes the lead and it warms my heart to see how mature he has become for such a young age. Images of his father’s first deer hunt flood my brain and tears begin to well in my eyes. I am so lucky to be able to share this experience with him. When we reach the stand, I tie my gun to the rope and help him up to the first rung of the ladder. He goes first and I follow, staying close to protect him from slipping on the rungs of the frosty ladder. After we settle in, he gets out his book and tries to read. I laugh to myself as I watch this, knowing he is too excited to actually be reading. The time passes and we quietly talk about what he should look for when the light comes. I show him the deer grunt and bleat calls and explain when he will use them. He is very eager to know everything, and he can hardly contain his excitement. The day slowly begins to lighten. At first, he is silent and overflowing with anticipation, following all the instructions, and then as the sun begins to sift through the trees, he begins to shiver. I get out the blanket I brought with me, and wrap it around his tiny body. I put down his fuzzy ear flaps and wrap the scarf loosely around his face. Surprisingly, he lasts a full two hours before hinting he has had enough and wants to go home. I then give him the task of using the deer calls. He does very well with the calls, and I know that he will be a great hunter some day. He had the patience to sit quietly for two hours, which is a task in itself for an 8-year-old boy, and he didn’t complain about the bitter cold. I relish this time with him, taking pictures of his little red nose peeking out above the scarf. After we get back to the house, I listen to him recount his experience to his father and grandfather. My heart swells with pride and my face glows with the joy that I was the one in that stand with him for his first deer hunt. KATHI WHRITENOUR is a freelance writer from Maryland.

18 living • Fall 2015

First deer hunt I

Keeping safety first, a grandmother takes delight in helping a grandson as he participates in their family’s fall hunting tradition.

Family Forum

Strengthening family relationships © THINKSTOCK

Why do they act that way? by HARVEY YODER

hen we keep asking “Why can’t you ever ...? or “Why do you always …?” our children soon learn there’s no use trying to come up with an answer. These are loaded questions, meant to deliver accusations rather than gain information. According to psychologist Rudolph Dreikurs the best way to understand the “why” of children’s misbehaviors is not by interrogating them but by learning more about their underlying needs. All behaviors are need-based, he says, and a misbehavior is simply a misguided and inappropriate way of trying to get a need met. Here are some examples: 1. “Mommy! Mommy! Now!” (child interrupts when you’re busy)—Some bad behaviors may result from a child simply trying to get love, recognition, or attention. When children feel lonely or ignored, even negative interaction may feel better than no interaction at all. As parents, we typically feel annoyed or bothered when children operate from this need. Our challenge is to help them find creative and healthy ways of getting the love and attention they crave.

Some bad behaviors may result from a child simply trying to get love, recognition, or attention. 2. “No! I want to do it this way!” (child ignores your instructions)—Bad behaviors also come from a child just wanting to have a say, to feel a sense of autonomy and power as a respected member of the family. Children with this need provoke feelings of threat, challenge or intimidation in us. It is important to avoid being drawn into power struggles, but offer opportunities for children to have age-appropriate responsibility and control. 3. “You’re mean! I hate you!” (child expresses anger inappropriately)—When children feel these first two basic needs aren’t being met, they may resort to direct or indirect retaliation. Children with this need often cause feelings of hurt in us. It is important to avoid getting into a revenge cycle, but to try to understand the distress behind an angry child’s reactions, to provide for cooling off periods, to pay more attention to needs one and two above, and to work at resolving underlying problems in the relationship. Meanwhile we make

Understanding negative behavior—especially as a child gets older— helps in figuring out what they are really needing.

it clear that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable. 4. No response (child retreats and will not talk)— When all of the above inappropriate efforts appear to fail, children may react in indirect, non-verbal ways, or just avoid connecting with parents and others altogether, which tends to evoke feelings of helplessness in us and others. Effective parents avoid showing pity or being manipulated by this kind of response, but provide support, understanding and encouragement, along with offering healthy ways of repairing and restoring relationships. Sometimes, when not in the heat of a conflict, it may help to ask a child, “When you were doing or saying … (describe unacceptable words or behavior), could it be that you were feeling … (left out, disrespected, angry, discouraged, etc.)? How could we help you feel and behave better?” It sure beats asking “why?” questions. HARVEY YODER is a family counselor and teaches parenting and marriage classes at the Family Life Resource Center. Questions relating to family concerns can be addressed to FLRC, 273 Newman Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801 or to Harvey@flrc.org. His blog can be followed at harvyoder.blogspot.com. Fall 2015 • living 19

Baby surprise: A father’s perspective by KYLE DOTY

“I

s this your first ultrasound?” the technician asked my wife. It was our first one for this pregnancy, even though it was a few weeks after the customary twentyweek ultrasound. We didn’t have insurance, and we needed to make sure we had enough money to pay for each service. We were planning a homebirth with a midwife we knew and with whom we were comfortable. Then the technician giggled, “I see three arms … hold on, we’re gonna be awhile.” Our fourth child, as it turned out, was twins. In an instant we were going from three energetic, full-of-life children to five. Three to five. That’s what kept running through my head as I stood there in the dark room trying to make sense of the words that had tumbled out of the young woman’s mouth. Back in August, the first week of school had started. My wife sent me a text message after class let out and my rambunctious seventh graders had gone home for the day. It was a picture of a positive pregnancy test with the following message: “I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry.” I laughed. Doubled over in my chair, I laughed until it hurt. Then at breakfast one morning my wife cracked open an egg and discovered it contained double yolks. That was her second clue about what was going on in the secret place of her womb. The first clue came a few years back when she had a dream that she’d given birth to twin boys. The days that followed our news were foggy. Although we were happy about having twins, we were daunted. I worried about the possible need for a larger home and the cost of food. How were people going to treat us? We already got looks of scorn from some while we perused the aisles of Target. What looks would people give us at the sight of two newborns plus three more? My most pressing concern was insurance. Even with the Affordable Care Act firmly in place, my wife was without insurance. We didn’t feel like we could afford another monthly bill. I’d recently graduated from college, had begun teaching and we were just getting on our feet again. Now we didn’t know how we could not afford insurance. Friends of ours have

20 living • Fall 2015

twins who are now 21 years old, and they told us their hospital bill was over $70,000. I kept thinking: $70,000 twenty-one years ago! The price of a hospital birth could be triple in 2015 dollars. We found the cheapest plans could be found by calling a navigator. Our navigator was able to get my wife a fantastic plan for less than $150 per month. It covered pregnancy and had low co-pays and relatively low out-of-pocket costs. Everything changes when it’s twins. I spent evenings looking up blogs about twins. I wanted to know what I needed two of and where we could get by with only one of an item. I was learning a whole new vocabulary, too. I learned that twinning is actually a word and that there’s a hashtag, #twinningiswinning. As if gathering clothes and supplies isn’t priority enough with a singleton pregnancy, with twins it gets almost ridiculous. Almost daily people were arriving to drop off

Our fourth child, as it turned out, was twins. In an instant we were going from three energetic, full-of-life children to five. garbage bags full of clothes and baby gear. They came with questions that were impossible to answer. My favorite question was, “What are you going to do?” There’s no real answer to that question. You just shrug your shoulders and give a pat answer. My wife has always had healthy, textbook pregnancies. She wasn’t expecting any complications because she’d never had any. However, carrying twins is not an easy task. While at one of her regular appointments with her doctor, he discovered that her cervix was short. He sent her to the hospital for more monitoring and he eventually admitted her. She spent a couple days in the hospital lying down while attentive nurses monitored her and the babies. Everyone was okay, but my wife’s cervix was thinning too soon. The doctor called it funneling—when the cervix takes the shape of the narrow part of a funnel. When this happens, the pressure it causes could

cause the water to break. C-section, not offered by all hospitals, is a procedure in which Although it’s medically possible for babies to live at twentythe baby is not whisked away once delivered and mom is not seven weeks, thirty-seven weeks is the preferred number for put to sleep. when it’s safe to give birth. At the hospital, the doctor ordered My wife went into labor early on a Wednesday morning but two shots of Betamethasone for my wife—a drug that helps she wanted me to go on to work, because she thought it would stimulate lung growth in babies. This was in case my wife take most of the day before she needed me home. Halfway went into labor and medical staff couldn’t stop it, the babies through the first period at school my wife contacted me to would have a fair chance of survival. She never went into come home. It was time. labor and was released after two days. I was able to leave work quickly. By the time I got home Then the doctor put her on bed rest. Bed rest, to me, though, my wife was sitting in bed shaking her head. She was sounded like a dream. However, bed rest is difficult and sure labor had stopped. She was only feeling cramps radiating miserable. My wife is a very active woman and being told from her back to her front and down her legs, and didn’t she had to stay at home in bed laying on her side as much think it was strong enough labor to go to the hospital. We of the time as possible was hard on her. It’s physically and went in anyway, just to be sure. We’re glad we did. The nurse emotionally draining. One day you’re a productive member informed us my wife was five centimeters dilated. If she was of society and the next day you’re in bed and ordered not to going to have the gentle C-section our hospital offered, they leave it because it could be dangerous, even life threatening, were going to have to move fast. to your babies. But my wife pressed through. She read books, The anesthesiologist prepared kept a “Bed Rest Journal,” and my wife for her C-section. The caught up on countless hours of nurse called me in after the “Gilmore Girls” and “Once Upon doctor had already begun the a Time” on Netflix. procedure. My wife looked great; Thankfully, we had a support she was comfortable and alert. system. A friend from our house She was smiling and excited church came with a notebook to see our boys everyone had and planned out the next sacrificed so much to keep safe. several weeks of life for us. The atmosphere was lighthearted She set up meals and scheduled and fun. In only a moment, we babysitters (volunteers) to come had Baby A (Eero). He was in and help with our other three immediately placed on my wife’s homeschooled children. Our door chest and she began to nurse him. was revolving—people coming in A minute later, Baby B (Ames) A father’s precious reflections on what it’s like to learn your while others were going out. That family is expanding rapidly from three to five. was placed on her chest to begin was every day, minus weekends suckling. The babies were perfect. when I was home all day. My mother left her life in north Eero weighed 6 pounds 3 ounces and Ames was 5 pounds 15 Florida and stayed with us several times for ten days at a time. ounces. My wife’s mother, who works mostly nights, volunteered to Looking ahead, we’re excited about our not-so-little family. take her to early morning appointments at the hospital for nonIf we’d been asked nine years ago if we’d have five kids one stress tests and ultrasounds at Maternal Fetal Medicine. My day, we would have laughed. Had I been asked 11 years ago if wife’s sister-in-law from Pennsylvania flew down for a week I’d ever have one child, I would have flatly said no. However, to help. We were humbled and astonished at the commitment our family of seven is just what my wife and I wanted (maybe of our friends and family. My wife was on bedrest for nearly even needed). There is something special about having a large eleven weeks. The support never wavered. family. It’s never boring and someone always has a playmate. Labor started two days before her scheduled C-section. The Sure, we’re tired and it’s no easy task to get in the car to go boys, now named Ames and Eero, were both breech. Eero to the grocery store or the playground. We’re happy though, was “Frank breech”—head up and legs crossed. My wife’s and that’s all that counts in the end. We have five strong, desire for a natural birth was not going to happen. She’d never healthy, and (at times) very lively children. My wife and I are had surgery before, so having a C-section was a concern for committed to them for the long haul and cannot wait to see us. Fortunately, the staff at the hospital was nothing short of what the future holds for us. amazing. If our friends and family were supportive, the nurses and our doctor at the hospital were just as constant. A gentle KYLE DOTY is a teacher and father of five in Florida.

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Fall 2015 • living 21

by DONNA COFFMAN

everal years ago, my daughter’s family adopted a tiny kitten who apparently had been abandoned and thrown out of a car along the roadside. My grandchildren, ages 2 and 4, named the little fella Todd. Todd’s tail seemed to be broken so the kids and my daughter took Todd to their vet. The vet said, “Let’s give his tail a chance to heal on its own. Bring him back in a couple of weeks and we’ll check him out again.” About a week later, my sweet son-in-law told my daughter to snuggle down and get a few extra winks. After all, it was Mother’s Day! “I’ll shower the kids and get them dressed for church this morning!” He went into the bathroom with the kids. Of course, Todd the cat had to be in there with them. Daddy took out his contacts and popped into the shower. The next thing he heard was, “Daddy, Todd is playing with his tail!” “Well, kids, that what cats do,” Dad hollered back. “No, Daddy! He’s really playing with his tail!” Daddy peeked out of the shower to find Todd truly was playing with his tail! It had fallen off! The next second, Mom heard a blood curdling yell from the bathroom. (Note: blood is the operative word here!) She leapt from her bed in a single bound and threw open the bathroom door to find blood all over the tile and walls. Daddy was on his hands and knees looking for his contact lenses that were knocked off the vanity in the excitement. Since he gets a wee bit queasy at the sight of blood, he really may have been on the floor trying not to pass out! The kids began screaming when Daddy yelled. So Mommy found a dizzy Daddy on the floor, two freaked out kids clasping each other while standing on the toilet lid, and a frightened, bleeding, tailless kitty bouncing off the walls! Thus began Mother’s Day. My daughter captured the cat, comforted the children and

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DONNA COFFMAN is an ordained Presbyterian Church USA minister, formerly of Winchester and Shenandoah Presbytery, who now lives with her husband Terry in Fuquay-Varina, North Carolina, near her daughter’s and son’s families.

PHOTO PROVIDED

How Todd the cat taught us about healing

her husband, cleaned up the mess, dressed the children, sent them to Sunday School with their badly shaken father, and took Todd to the emergency vet. Poor little guy had to have the rest of his tail amputated to minimize infection. He came home the next day with a tiny stump of a tail and a bandage. The children proudly explained the cat’s “AMPOOHTAYSHUN” to anyone who would listen. Todd healed nicely and became the love of the family! About a month later, I had an above-the-knee amputation of my left leg to try to stop my relentless cancer, a rare form of A pastor serving previously in sarcoma. After a week the local Shenandoah Presbytery shares an endearing cat story in the hospital and a from her daughter’s family. Here week in rehab, I went to granddaughter Brenna pushes Todd my daughter’s home to in her stroller. recuperate. The children had no qualms what so ever about my “AMPOOHTAYSHUN.” So what? Todd the cat had an “AMPOOHTAYSHUN” too. I had a bandage on my residual limb. Big deal! Todd had had a bandage on his tail. Todd got well. Therefore, I would get well! A few days later, my daughter said it was time for me to get out of the house for a change of scenery. Little did I know that she was taking the recycling to the dump! When we arrived there, the children were quick to tell me they were not allowed to get out of the car at the dump. Apparently, neither could Granu because “you have a boo-boo and just one shoe!” Laughter is healing and so is a change of scenery even if it is just the dump! Later that week, I was using a walker to go to the kitchen. My little granddaughter came running up to me, gently patted the bandage on my leg and exclaimed, “Ooo, Granu! I just love your boo-boo!” Healing is love and acceptance. The cancer continues to challenge me every day; but, my true healing began that week! From a kitten’s misfortune, I believe God used a “teachable moment” to prepare my family for the changes that were to come for us. God is just full of surprises. Once again my family received a timely reminder that God can take something broken and turn it into a gift! Pain and loss turned into “gift.” I’m reminded of the Bible verse in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “… give thanks in all circumstances …”

Shenandoah Spotlight

Roy M. Bergey, Financial Advisor

901 Parkwood Dr., Harrisonburg, VA 22802

Young adults to watch

Sarah Jacobsen

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Roy@BergeyFinancial.com • www.BergeyFinancial.com Roy M. Bergey is a registered representative with and offers securities through Kovack Securities, Inc. Member FINRA/SIPC. 6451 North Federal Highway Suite 1201, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33308. Tel: 954-782-4771. Advisory Services offered through Kovack Advisors. Bergey Financial is not afﬁliated with Kovack Securities, Inc. or Kovack Advisors, Inc.

Loving Your Pet

by LAUREE S. PURCELL At just 23, Sarah Jacobsen is the Online Marketing Coordinator for James Madison University. She also taught Intro to Computer Graphics during the 2014-15 academic year for JMU’s School of Art, Design and Art History. Her freelance work includes logos and marketing materials for businesses such as U Fit and Ice House Studios. Sarah’s parents, Lyle and Teri Jacobsen of Dayton, homeschooled her until she completed high school at the age of 16. While living at home, Sarah worked her way through college, paying her own bills. To save on tuition, Sarah attended Blue Ridge Community College before transferring to JMU in 2010. She graduated from JMU debt-free in 2013. She has had many jobs that have led to her current success, and she has tried to build connections and look for opportunities even when her jobs didn’t seem directly related to graphic design. From age 11, she helped her family clean churches on Saturday mornings. Sentara RMH Wellness Center hired her as a housekeeper at 16 because she had five years of cleaning experience. At the Wellness Center, she went from scrubbing showers to organizing and leading children’s activities as well as working the reception desk. Sarah joined JMU’s marketing department in 2012 as a student designer. After graduation she stepped into a new role as a part-time Design Assistant and worked on many different projects. For the new JMU Student Success Center, she created interior way-finding signs, a photo mural for the atrium and exterior banners. She also created a custom typeface for the mural that features a James Madison quote in the Forbes Center tunnel. She has worked on layout for Madison Magazine and the employee giving campaign. In her current role, Sarah is working on a redesign of JMU’s homepage and admissions site to make them easily accessible from mobile devices. “My boss, Online Marketing Manager Randy Budnikas, worked for Rosetta Stone and Amazon. I have so much fun working with such a brilliant man. He pushes me in the direction I need to go and then leaves me to do my thing,” said Sarah. Sarah is an active member of Covenant Presbyterian Church. She is on the leadership team for College and Career Fellowship there and helps facilitate weekly Bible studies while building friendships with college girls. LAUREE STROUD PURCELL is an editorial consultant and writer for Living.

Know someone 30 or under to nominate for a future Shenandoah Spotlight? Requirements are: Valley resident or grew up here, outstanding for their job, community, or church work, and the model they provide. Contact us at info@valleyliving.org.

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Fall 2015 • living 23

When parenting roles reverse by GAYLA GRACE I couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down my cheeks as I drove away from my parent’s house. No longer able to deny the effects of Mom’s dementia, I didn’t know how to cope. I watched Mom’s confusion as she looked for the bathroom in her own home and put toilet paper in the freezer. I didn’t know how to answer when she asked where her four little girls were (me and my sisters of years past). Anger gripped me. Who’s to blame for this horrible disease? Why did this happen? Where is the mom who raised me?

Recognizing the need to grieve the loss of a changed relationship opens the door to healthy interaction as new personalities emerge. As Mom’s behavior deteriorated, our parenting roles reversed. I watched her struggle with everyday chores and began to help her with cooking, laundry and grocery shopping. I applied her makeup and redirected her behavior when she spun out of control, imagining her doing the same for me as a young child. Fragile emotions spilled out as I walked in unfamiliar territory. I wanted an instruction manual on how to move from the daughter role I’d played for 50+ years to a caregiving role, but there wasn’t one. As our parents age, it’s not unusual to begin a new role, particularly in the midst of illness. The Family Caregiver Alliance reports that 65.7 million caregivers make up 29 percent of the U.S. adult population providing care to someone who is ill, disabled or aged (https://caregiver.org/selectedcaregiver-statistics). Understanding how to move into a caregiver role and balance it with parenting responsibilities presents unique challenges. Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way. Recognize your limitations. Assuming the responsibility of a full-time caregiver role to an aging parent

while parenting your own children can lead to stress and burnout. Mindful of your own family’s needs, determine a realistic plan. As my mom’s needs increased, our youngest son moved into his teen years. My parents live out-of-state so I established a schedule with my husband to include two days at my parent’s house every other week. My routine allowed enough time to perform much-needed tasks for Mom without neglecting extended periods with our son. Say good-bye to the parent who raised you. Diagnoses that affect the brain such as dementia, Parkinson’s or a stroke often create devastating changes to personalities. Recognizing the need to grieve the loss of a changed relationship opens the door to healthy interaction as new personalities emerge. Accept changes you can’t control. When I quit expecting Mom to be the Mom of my childhood, I more easily accepted the changes I couldn’t control. As she moved from the parent to the child, I let go of expectations of the past. I made an intentional choice to open my mind to Mom’s new emotions, changing behavior and different mannerisms. I processed raw emotions with my sisters, educated myself on dementia and joined an online support group to help cope with the changing dynamics in our relationship. Live one day at a time. Mom’s dementia will not have a happy ending. When I project details of the future, I experience anxiety, insecurity and fear. But, I’ve learned to accept the good days and the bad without focusing on what lies ahead. I don’t always do it perfectly, but when I live one day at a time, I enjoy the beauty of Mom’s laughter, the twinkle in her eye when she remembers my name and the momentary pleasure of a meaningful conversation as Mom reminisces her childhood memories. Solicit support. Providing care for an aging parent requires time, energy and perseverance. Sharing the burden with others helps. I’m thankful for three sisters who also care deeply for my parents and want to participate in caregiving. Not everyone

Caregiver Resources: “Hope for the Caregiver: Encouraging Words to Strengthen Your Spirit” by Peter Rosenberger

“Creating Moments of Joy for the Person with Alzheimer’s or Dementia: A Journal for Caregivers” by Jolene Brackey “Caregivers Handbook” by DK Publishing Family Caregiver Alliance: National Center on Caregiving https://caregiver.org

Although it is difficult to find our parent-child roles reversing, this new time of life can bring blessing and insight.

24 living • Fall 2015

AARP Caregiving Resource Center http://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/ Caring For You as You Care http://www.caregiving.com

shares that privilege. Finding support through caregiver groups, local community activities and others walking the same journey helps ease the tension and exhaustion that accompanies caregiving responsibilities. Include grandchildren in caregiving roles. Children don’t have to be shielded from aging parents. Asking older children to help with meals, laundry or errands moves them away from self-centered behavior and teaches them compassion for others. My sister’s children live in the same town with my parents and regularly help with cooking, cleaning or simply companionship on hard days. Grandchildren create lasting memories through routine tasks and meaningful conversation with grandparents. Find gratitude for the parent now in your life. As personalities change, new characteristics emerge. Mom’s private demeanor of the past has been replaced with a transparent and sensitive spirit. Deeper relationships develop as she easily expresses her needs and asks for help, embracing gestures of kindness with love and appreciation. Although no longer the mom of my past, I love her just the same. Aging parents create new challenges when parenting roles reverse. An already overwhelmed schedule with our own children can prevent us from assuming a caregiver role. But life is a gift that can be taken away with little notice. As I watch Mom’s last season quickly drawing to a close, I want to show honor and gratitude as often as possible, creating special moments in the process, without regrets in the end. GAYLA GRACE, from Louisiana, writes, speaks and coaches on parenting and stepfamily issues. She also enjoys helping her mom in a parttime caregiving role.

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mcmullenfh@comcast.net Fall 2015 • living 25

Back to school, back to the dinner table by BRI DEROSA

Biblically Responsible Investing

h, September. Even though the weather in many areas of the country is still hot and summery, our thoughts are already jumping ahead to fall leaves, apple picking, pumpkins and sweaters. If you’re a parent, you know this is the month when the temperatures cool down, and the schedules heat up. Afterschool clubs, sports practices, music lessons and all kinds of school activities like open houses and fundraisers start to crowd the calendar, often squeezing family dinners out of the picture. As challenging as it can be to hold space for regular shared meals, most of us recognize the benefits for every member of the family are too important to ignore. Try these tips to help keep family dinners on your calendar this fall: Plan Your Meals. Knowing in advance what you’ll be making for dinner makes grocery shopping easier and helps to streamline the evening routine. Since you’ll be able to make sure you have all the necessary ingredients on hand, there won’t be any last-minute scrambling, and planning ahead also means you can choose quick meals for the busiest evenings and save more time-intensive recipes for nights when you’ll have those precious extra minutes to spare. If the task seems daunting to you, check online for various meal planning articles, or if you’re the techie type, try using an app like Paprika to help you stay organized. Learn to make five fallback meals. The “good enough” dinner philosophy we believe in at The Family Dinner Project website, means whatever you prepare really is good enough, especially if it keeps you from heading to the drive-thru.

Here’s encouragement and creative ideas for reestablishing a family dinner routine in your life.

Fallback meals are ideally dinners you can make in under 20 minutes, with ingredients you often have on hand. A quick dinner of spaghetti with jarred (or homemade, frozen) marinara, an egg scramble with vegetables added, quesadillas or wraps using your family’s favorite fillings or whole-grain pancakes with a side of fruit salad are all examples of easy and tasty dinners that can get your family to the table in a hurry on busy nights. Get a slow cooker (or take it out of storage!). Most slow cooker recipes can be assembled the night before and refrigerated; then in the morning, all you have to do is pop 49th Annual

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Member of: National Association of Christian Financial Consultants Advisory services are provided through Creative Financial Designs, Inc., a Registered Investment Adviser. Securities are offered through cfd Investments, Inc., a Registered Broker/Dealer, Member FINRA/SIPC Glenn Financial Services is not associated with the CFD companies.

26 living • Fall 2015

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the insert into the slow cooker base, turn it on and walk away. You’ll come home to a hot meal ready to serve, which is perfect for nights when everybody needs to get fed and on their way for evening activities. Try some make-ahead meals. Recipes like Tamale Pot Pie (find link here: thefamilydinnerproject.org/food/tamalepot-pie/) can be made on Sunday afternoon, then heated and served on Monday or Tuesday. While dinner’s heating up, you can take some time to help the kids with their homework or catch up on emails so you’re ready to focus on conversation at dinnertime. BRI DEROSA, blogs and offers recipes at Red, Round or Green blog www.redroundorgreen.com. She is married and has two young sons. Originally posted at TheFamilyDinnerProject.org, a growing movement of “food, fun and conversation about things that matter”—a non-profit organization currently operating from the offices of Project Zero at Harvard University.

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Fall 2015 • living 27

When peoplepleasing goes too far by LINDA BARBOUR

am a recovering people-pleaser. For many reasons, I used to cringe at the thought of someone not liking me. Now I find this need to please everyone both annoying and unproductive. Perhaps you’re a people-pleaser. If you’re curious about some of the traits of this behavior, read on. You stay in situations such as a job or a relationship that is not safe or healthy for you because you’re so loyal. You minimize, alter or deny how you feel about things in order to comply with others. You sideline your own interests in order to do what others want to do. You mask your pain with anger, humor or isolation, instead of expressing it appropriately. You avoid any direct communication that could create conflict. You pay the restaurant bill for the group with whom you’re dining. You loan money to friends or family whenever they ask. You base your self-worth on the actions of your children. Anything they do is a direct reflection on who you are as a human being. You are a martyr with a one-way ticket to Martyrdom Heaven. You are the mom who cooks dinner while breastfeeding the baby, while at the same time preparing a presentation for work, without any help. You are the dad in the cul-de-sac that lets every neighborhood kid play at your house all day during the school snow day.

In my personal pursuit to minimize my people-pleasing tendencies, I began in a big way by leaving a 23-year career that had become oppressive, demanding impossible tasks that would baffle Super Woman. You scoff at the idea of self-care. You think it’s fine for others to take care of themselves but what would people think if you did it? Enough already. Here are some suggestions for change. Instead of feeling miserable at work or in your relationship because you feel claustrophobic, oppressed or unsafe, start to make a change. Take a class you’re interested in. Talk to a 28 living • Fall 2015

Learning to take care of your own needs is not selfish: it can replenish your spirit as you give to others.

counselor or therapist. Find a CoDA group (Co-Dependents Anonymous) for support in processing how you can make changes. Instead of allowing someone to tell you that you shouldn’t feel a certain way when you do indeed feel that certain way, embrace your feelings. They are valid and important. Tell the person what you really feel. Instead of always saying yes, practice politely saying no, without an elaborate explanation or apology. Instead of always agreeing with everyone else or doing what everyone else wants to do when on the inside your soul is screaming otherwise, listen. Ask yourself, do I really want to agree or would I prefer something else? Then, speak your truth. Instead of verbally dancing around your point to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, respectfully and calmly say what you mean. Instead of basing your self-worth on everything your children do, realize they are their own person. They will make mistakes. Those are life’s learning opportunities for them. Stop worrying about what the neighbors think. Instead of neglecting your own life, make time for pleasure. Yes, your children are important. And so are you. They will

survive an hour or two away from you. Plus you are modeling self-care for them. In my personal pursuit to minimize my people-pleasing tendencies, I began in a big way by leaving a 23-year career that had become oppressive, demanding impossible tasks that would baffle Super Woman. It was a scary move but my emotional health thanks me daily as I explore new career options. I have also changed in less profound ways. I ask for separate checks when dining out with friends. I asked our neighbors to share the cost of replacing a decaying, shared fence. At the pizza shop, I ask that half the pizza be vegetarian despite the rolling eyes of friends who love their meat. On the golf course, when every cell in my body aches and I’ve had enough, I head to the clubhouse for an ice tea instead of toughing it out further with the group. I no longer give my adult children advice, trying to rescue them from life’s hard knocks. If they want advice, they know where to find me. I communicate more directly with my husband instead of dropping back-door comments, hoping he can somehow decipher their meaning. I enrolled in a beginning drawing class and a naturopathic course for the pure joy of it. I moved my husband of 31 years into a spare bedroom. I love him but hate the snoring. We both sleep soundly now. (Or perhaps you could see if your spouse has a sleep disorder, apnea, which could be helped with a breathing machine.) Instead of staying at my mother’s house when I visit her in another state, I now stay in a motel. She’s a farmer who has lived in the same home for 40 years, along with an abundance of dogs and cats. Pets have accidents. Mom lost her sense of smell years ago. Need I say more? Changing my behavior hasn’t been easy. I feel tearfully OPEN Mon. - Fri. 10 am - 6 pm, Sat. 9 am - 6 pm

nervous at times when it comes to speaking honestly. My heart races and my voice trembles during a necessary but uncomfortable conversation. But it has been worth it. I have learned when you allow others to view you as the doormat, the pushover or the coward who can be easily manipulated, they don’t respect you and you don’t respect yourself. All those feelings that you’ve learned to suppress, “go down into the basement, lift some weights and come back even stronger,” often in the form of anxiety and loads of resentment. So stop abandoning yourself, drop the people-pleasing agenda and reconnect with your life. Be patient with yourself. This journey takes time. And you’re worth it. LINDA BARBOUR is a freelance writer from Oregon.

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SHOP DONATE VOLUNTEER Fall 2015 • living 29

Birthday party ideas for your child from A-Z

by HEATHER LEE LEAP

truggling to come up with a fresh idea for your child’s next party? Bigger isn’t always better, and a party shouldn’t cut into your college savings fund. Get creative, be inspired and make one or more of the following ideas your own. Abracadabra spells magic. Invite guests with a “Welcome to Hogwarts” letter or break out the top hats and card tricks. Bowling, with or without bumpers, means casual fun that keeps everyone moving. On site food allows parents to relax – just bring the cake to celebrate your next big day. Clowning around. Face paint, juggling and dressing up. Kids can create their own acts and entertain one another. Donation to a cause. In lieu of gifts, request guests contribute funds to an organization the birthday child is passionate about. Develop a theme around the cause, such as a pet theme for an animal shelter donation.

Bigger isn’t always better, and a party shouldn’t cut into your college savings fund.

30 living • Fall 2015

Extraterrestrial explorations. Is there life on Mars? Plan a space-themed party for your future astronaut. Fairy tale theater. Raid the dress-up bin for costumes, clear a space for a stage and let the kids enact their favorite stories. Simple, familiar tales mean everyone knows the story and can embellish at will without a script. Golf, in miniature. Get outside and laugh as your group makes its way around the mini-golf green. Hawaiian luau. Eat pineapple and serve fruit punch in tall glasses with tiny umbrellas. Find leis at your local party store. Ice cream truck. Did you know you can arrange to have them come directly to your home? Call them up, set a date and time and let the birthday child have first pick for a treat. Jammies. If you’ve been putting off that much-requested sleepover, now is the time to say yes to pizza, popcorn and late-night giggling. Kitchen creations. Seek out local cooking classes for children. Most locations that teach classes also offer party packages. Local park fun. For a low-budget, relaxed party, bring cake and a picnic to your neighborhood playground. Music for all. Create shakers or rain sticks from beans, paper tubes and masking tape. Dance to favorite tunes, sing

and march around the block with your creations and other rhythm instruments. Nature Hike. Have a slice of cake at the trailhead and then explore the landscape. Party favors can include bug boxes and small magnifying glasses. Obstacle course. Get creative in your back yard with hula hoops, old cardboard boxes, benches and anything else you have lying around. Kids can climb, jump and crawl over, under and around. Time their circuit as part of a friendly competition. Older kids will have as much fun running the course as they will creating and improving it. Puppets. Make sock puppets with button eyes or design simple stick puppets. Read a short story or fable for inspiration and kids can work together to create their own puppet show. Quidditch anyone? All you need is a wild imagination, hula hoops for goals, a soccer ball for the quaffle, smaller soft balls for bludgers and a speedy runner for the snitch. Rock climbing or bouldering. Head to a local rock gym to learn new skills together and get moving. Science experiments. Instead of the usual party crafts, take chances, get messy and explore the laws of physics or the states of matter. Find books of experiments at your local library. Tea party. Fancy cups and fancy food are just the beginning. Dress up, wear hats and invite guests to bring their favorite doll or teddy bear to tea. Uniquely you. What does your child’s dream party look like? How can the theme reflect something special about what is important to your child or your family. Make it happen. Volunteer for a cause. One child volunteering at the food

bank or animal shelter with her family may not feel like she is accomplishing much. Invite a group of her friends to join her for a work party and her gift will grow exponentially. Water fun. Rent the party room at your local pool for a splashing good time. X-men and friends. A superheroes theme can include capes, masks and feats of daring do, well-supervised, of course. Yard games. Time to teach your kids and their friends all the old favorites. Croquet, badminton, bocce and horseshoes will keep a crowd entertained and active all afternoon. Zip line. You know your kids have been asking for this. If you have the space, install one in your back yard and let the flying begin. Heather Lee Leap is a freelance writer and mom from Oregon. Her favorite parties involve active kids, ingenuity and ice cream.

f you’re interested in knowing your next home better before you purchase it, then having a pre-purchase home inspection is what you want. From the top to the bottom and inside and out Shenandoah Home Inspection Service will help make your next home purchase a more knowledgeable experience. Each client will receive a combination checklist and written inspection report on the condition of each home when it was inspected. Water Testing and Septic Inspections also available. —Insured—

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ADVENTURES IN TRAVEL October 7-24, 2015

May 24 - June 3, 2016

A Learning Tour - Mixed with Adventure Beijing, Great Wall, Forbidden City, Xian, Terracotta Warriors Museum, Sichuan Province, Chengdu, Nanchong, Yangtze River Cruise, Three Gorges Dam, Shanghai, and more.

Waterford, Blarney Castle, Killarney, Ring of Kerry, Cliffs of Moher, Connemara, “Yeats Country,” Galway, Sligo, Hills of Donegal, Cavan, Dublin, and more.

“Imperial China”

November 17, 18, 2015

“The Best of Ireland”

July 2016 (Dates to be set)

“Exploring Burkina Faso, “Fall Get-Away to Lancaster, PA” Benin, Ghana in West Africa” A Motorcoach Tour

Sight and Sound - “The Miracle of Christmas” In conjunction with James Krabill, Bird-in-Hand Theater - “Josiah for President” Sr. Executive for Global Ministries, Includes time for shopping at Mennonite Mission Network. Rockvale Outlets, Tour of Amish Visiting missions, micro-businesses, Countryside, Overnight at Bird-inOuagadougou, and its Art Museum, Hand Family Inn, dinner and lunch Bobo-dioulasso, venture on dug-out buffet, and “The Tabernacle” (replica canoes to Ganvie, Africa’s “Venice,” of the OT Tabernacle). Departure experience Elimina slave castle, and return - Park View, Harrisonburg. Accra, and other exciting sites. (Bus pickup New Market and north)

For More Information contact Ed & Edie Bontrager 540-438-8304 (Ofﬁce), 540-209-7457 (Cell) ~ Harrisonburg, VA www.travelventuretours.com ~ eebontrager@comcast.net Fall 2015 • living 31

Brave is a decision:

Letter to my third grade son by GLENNON DOYLE MELTON

ear son: Tomorrow is a big day. Third grade – wow. Chase, when I was in third grade, there was a little boy in my class named Adam. Adam looked a little different and he wore funny clothes and sometimes he even smelled a little bit. Adam didn’t smile. He hung his head low and he never looked at anyone at all. Adam never did his homework. I don’t think his parents reminded him like yours do. The other kids teased Adam a lot. Whenever they did, his head hung lower and lower and lower. I never teased him, but I never told the other kids to stop, either. And I never talked to Adam, not once. I never invited him to sit next to me at lunch, or to play with me at recess. Instead, he sat and played by himself. He must have been very lonely. I still think about Adam every day. I wonder if Adam remembers me? Probably not. I bet if I’d asked him to play, just once, he’d still remember me.

Sometimes the magic of compassion will make you step into the middle of a bad situation right away.

I think that God puts people in our lives as gifts to us. The children in your class this year, they are some of God’s gifts to you. So please treat each one like a gift from God. Every single one. Baby, if you see a child being left out, or hurt, or teased, a little part of your heart will hurt a little. Your daddy and I want

you to trust that heart-ache. Your whole life, we want you to notice and trust your heart-ache. That heart ache is called compassion, and it is God’s signal to you to do something. It is God saying, Chase! Wake up! One of my babies is hurting! Do something to help! Whenever you feel compassion—be thrilled! It means God is speaking to you, and that is magic. It means God trusts you and needs you. Sometimes the magic of compassion will make you step into the middle of a bad situation right away. Compassion might lead you to tell a teaser to stop it and then ask the teased kid to play. You might invite a left-out kid to sit next to you at lunch. You might choose a kid for your team first who usually gets chosen last. These things will be hard to do, but you can do hard things. Sometimes you will feel compassion but you won’t step in right away. That’s okay, too. You might choose instead to tell your teacher and then tell us. We are on your team—we are on your whole class’ team. Asking for help for someone who is hurting is not tattling, it is doing the right thing. If someone in your class needs help, please tell me, baby. We will make a plan to help together. When God speaks to you by making your heart hurt for another, by giving you compassion, just do something. Please do not ignore God whispering to you. I so wish I had not ignored God when God spoke to me about Adam. Adam could have used a friend and I could have, too. We do not care if you are the smartest or fastest or coolest or funniest. There will be lots of contests at school, and we don’t care if you win a single one of them. We don’t care if you get straight A’s. We don’t care if the girls think you’re cute or whether you’re picked first or last for kickball at recess. We don’t care if you are your teacher’s favorite or not. We don’t care if you have the best clothes or most Pokemon cards or coolest gadgets. We just don’t care. We don’t send you to school to become the best at anything at all. We already love you as much as we possibly could. You do not have to earn our love or pride and you can’t lose it. That’s done. We send you to school to practice being brave and kind. Kind people are brave people. Because brave is not a feeling that you should wait for. It is a decision. It is a decision that Sending your child back to school? Here are some ways you can also share support and guidance.

32 living • Fall 2015

compassion is more important than fear, than fitting in, than following the crowd. Trust me, baby, it is. It is more important. Don’t try to be the best this year, honey. Just be grateful and kind and brave. That’s all you ever need to be. Take care of those classmates of yours, and your teacher, too. You belong to each other. You are one lucky boy … with all of these new gifts to unwrap this year. I love you so much that my heart might explode. Enjoy and cherish your gifts. And thank you for being my favorite gift of all time. Love, Mama GLENNON DOYLE MELTON is a popular blogger at Momastery.com and author of the New York Times bestseller, Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life

Glennon adds: “Each year people ask my permission to substitute their child’s name for Chase’s and read this letter together the night before school begins. Yes! I would love for you to share it and change it in any way to suit your family.”

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What’s your college major? by JEANETTE BAER SHOWALTER

YOUR COLLEGE MAJOR? As young men and womenWHAT'S across the nation start college this fall, they by What’s Jeanette Baer Showalter will face this inevitable question: your major? With so many options to choose from, students could learn anything from designing tall buildings to playing a classical violin solo. And whether they wish to dig for ancient artifacts or plumb the ocean depths, the following fields of study can be discovered forward, backward, horizontally, vertically, and diagonally.

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Valley Living celebrates fall!

We hope you and your family can enjoy the many activities, attractions, and fall festivities available in the Shenandoah Valley!

From these sponsors of Valley Living: Ragtime Fabrics New location Sept. 14: 926 W. Market Street, Harrisonburg New hours: M-T, 9-5; W-F, 9-7; Sat 9-4 www.ragtimefabrics.com Check website for classes, clubs, events

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John & Mary Ann Heatwole

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Bernard & Joan Martin

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“To everything there is a season; a time to plant, and a time to reap …” –Ecclesiastes 3:2

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36 living • Fall 2015

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