Valley Living Spring 2015 by Valley Living

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You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to go directly to college

Eating fresh & locally from Glen Eco Farm Spotlight on Charlotte Arbogast The hunt for Easter www.valleyliving.org

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2 living • Spring 2015

Contents 4 Editorial 5

Community Connections

You don’t have to go directly to college

Eating fresh and locally

When “soft skills” help pay the bills

Locked up on Liberty Street

Baked Lemon Pasta with Asparagus

Shenandoah Spotlight: Charlotte Arbogast

The hunt for Easter

A new day, a fresh beginning

When do the kids become adults?

Five ways to live with adult children

Helping children believe in themselves

Mirror, mirror

The cat from heaven

Brother: monstrous best friend?

Escapades at the international potluck

Word Search

In Every Issue

Community Connections pg. 5

Money Matters pg. 10

Family Forum pg. 12

Cooking Corner pg. 14

Shenandoah Spotlight pg. 15

Living can be found at these locations, and more, throughout the Valley: Harrisonburg DQ Grill & Chill, Carlton St. DQ Grill Harmony Square Friendly City Food Coop Fox’s Pizza Den Gift and Thrift Golden Corral Hardesty Higgins Harrisonburg Farmer’s Market Kate’s Natural Products Massanutten Regional Library

Mercy House Mr. J’s Harmony Square Red Front Supermarket Sentara RMH Clinic Sentara RMH Medical Center Rt. 11 North Exxon Salvation Army Store Sharp Shopper Shenandoah Heritage Farmers Market Styles Unlimited

Bridgewater/Dayton Dayton Farmer’s Market Bridgewater Foods Supermarket Broadway/Timberville Broadway Supermarket Crider’s Store Mac’s Superette Mayland Grocery Turner Ham

Elkton/Shenandoah Countryside Market/Exxon 340 Market & Deli/Liberty Elkton Grocery Mamma Mia Restaurant Rte. 340 Flea Market & Antiques Mt. Crawford Joy Foodmart Exxon

Mt. Solon/Augusta Co. Zach’s Country Store North River Country Store New Market Randy’s Hardware 7-Eleven

Singer’s Glen Grandle’s Glenview Market Weyers Cave Weyers Cave Super Save

Penn Laird 7-Eleven On the run

Cover photo: David and Julie Sacra; pictured in inset: Emily, Kate, Jenny (Carrier) and Joelle Sacra PHOTOS BY EMILYSACRAPHOTOGRAPHY.COM

Spring 2015 • living 3

Interconnected

When who you know really counts

Melodie Davis, editor melodie@valleyliving.org

4 living • Spring 2015

We all know the importance of “who you know,” as the adage says, in job seeking. Our cover story highlights how David and Julie Sacra have experienced that as they raised four daughters—and we’re delighted to include one daughter’s photos on our cover—who at age 19 has launched her own photography business. With this issue we’re also starting an ongoing column called Shenandoah Spotlight, focusing on younger men and women in our community who can give all of us hope. Local writer Lauree Purcell will zero in on strong and positive role models for other young people trying to find their calling or career. We’re indebted to Ann Yoder, an outstanding community citizen herself, for both of these ideas (the spotlight idea and also the feature on the Sacra family). Over the years Ann has fed me as editor numerous great ideas for articles. I always know to put down what I’m doing, grab a pen and paper and take full notes when Ann calls and says, “You might be interested in doing a story on…” Ann is married to Paul Yoder who has been one of our faithful ad sales associates for many years, so she has had the vision of Valley Living on her radar: holding up positive stories of people who persevere. Right now, Ann is dealing with serious illness herself and Paul has stepped down from ad sales to devote himself to “being there” for Ann; Ray Ressler also asked to be relieved of his duties due to his own health issues. We join their families, friends and congregations in praying for a return to good health. We will include a longer tribute to the work and contacts of Paul and Ray in an upcoming issue of Valley Living. But it is not only when you are young, looking for work and direction, that “who you know” counts. As we gain life and job experience—as we work, volunteer for various causes, serve on committees and boards—who we know can become invaluable to the cause or organization we serve. One of our board members has done just that. You may recall seeing our ads seeking an additional sales associate for Living, to add to our team of Paul and Ray. This was before both men needed to step back for health reasons. Bill Troyer, a mostly-retired accountant who’s been our board treasurer for several years, thought of a former neighbor who we actively pursued for the sales position. We are thrilled to introduce Susan Huffman. On the Community Connections page, you’ll find a bio and photo for Susan, as well as for two new board members. For operations such as ours, who you don’t know can be a problem though. Even with our nice sized board and new sales person, we only know a small portion of our large and growing valley. This area is blessed with great people resources stemming partially from the longtime heritage here, numerous great colleges/universities, and an increasing ethnic diversity. We are still in need of an additional sales representative, new board members, and additional story ideas, which represent this diversity and cultural richness. Feel free to contact me—or our board president Trisha Blosser (development officer for Explore More Discovery Museum) if you have story ideas or names to suggest as board members/additional sales staff. We’d love to more closely align with the diversity of the Valley. Last but not least, we give a shout-out to a special group of readers and Word Search enthusiasts who stepped up with donations—ranging from $1 to $100— through a special appeal that went out last November (see p. 21). These gifts spoke far more than their dollar value—people willing to share from their hard earned cash and Social Security checks to keep this publication and website growing and offering light for new readers and generations. For all of this and more, call us overwhelmed, and so very grateful.

Volume 24 No. 1

Valley Living inspires hope, encourages faith and builds positive relationships in the home, workplace and community. Media for Living, Publisher Melodie Davis, Editor Susan Miller Huffman, Sales Representative Mary Jo Veurink, Layout & Design Lindsey Shantz, Production & Finance Manager

Advertising

To reserve space in future editions (540) 433-5351 or info@valleyliving.org

Media for Living Board of Directors Trisha Blosser, President David Rohrer, Vice President William J. “Bill” Troyer, Treasurer Tracey Veney, Secretary Jonas Borntrager Steven C. “Dusty” Rhodes Jessica Hostetler David Slykhuis LaDawn Knicely Bonnie Hamilton

Opinions expressed in Valley Living are not necessarily those of Media for Living. Published cooperatively with Media for Living, a non-profit corporation, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22802 (540) 433-5351 • info@valleyliving.org www.valleyliving.org Printed in the USA by Engle Printing, Mount Joy, Pa. © 2015 by Media for Living

Community Connections Letters, local events, news New sales representative joins the Valley Living team

Susan Huffman of Harrisonburg has recently retired from a long career with R.R. Donnelly in account management and customer service. Susan graduated from James Madison University with a degree in accounting and enjoys family, exercise, and her involvement with Harrisonburg Baptist Church. Susan says, “One of the things that I really appreciate about this magazine is that it helps young people to see that having a close knit, happy family is still possible.” Susan is now servicing the sales accounts for Living. She recently joined Living as a sales representative and will be assisting our valued, loyal advertisers. Susan is also actively pursuing new accounts and can be contacted at susan@ valleyliving.org or 540-476-2639.

New members join board of Media for Living

Media for Living is pleased to welcome two new board members, replacing those rotating off. LaDawn Knicely grew up in Briery Branch and has been a full time realtor with Kline May Realty for over 17 years. She graduated from Bridgewater College with a business administration degree and received a masters in counseling from Eastern Mennonite University in 2013. She is working on a dual master of divinity and graduate certificate in restorative justice from

the Center for Justice and Peacebuilding at EMU. She has volunteered for numerous local organizations as chaplain or in counseling. She has one daughter,

Kendall. Bonnie Hamilton is a recent “transplant” to the Shenandoah Valley from Colorado where she operated a bed and breakfast in ski country, had a home decorating business and led women’s Bible Studies and retreats. She graduated from Duke University with majors in religion and psychology, and is now pursuing a certificate in spiritual direction while enjoying painting, hospitality, biking, golf and grandchildren. She and her husband

lived in Puerto Rico and Greenville, S.C., where they raised their two sons.

Submissions for Shenandoah Spotlight

Know someone under the age of 30 you’d like to see featured in a future Shenandoah Spotlight? (See new column on page 15.) The only requirements are they either currently live in the Valley, or grew up here, and stand out for their job, their community, or church work, and the passion and model they provide. Contact us at info@valleyliving.org.

Letters from readers Scripture on contentment I thought of a verse in the Bible as I read the article “The key to contentment.” Philippians 4:11: “I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content.” As Joyce Myer said, “There is no happier person than a truly thankful contented person.” —Janice Jones, Shenandoah Every quarter I look forward to getting the Valley Living every quarter! —Joyce Lough, Mt. Solon

Word Search Notes

Responses from readers

A total of 232 readers returned completed Word Search puzzles from the Winter 2014 issue of Valley Living, voting for their favorite features with the edition’s Christmas stories getting the most frequent nods: “The best Christmas present ever,” 62; “I found Jesus!,” 54; “Another ‘SPCA’ Christmas,” 51; “The key to contentment, no matter what,” 39; and “My last Santa Claus Christmas,” 36.

“

I thought

of a verse in

”

the Bible as I read...

Spring 2015 • living 5

You don’t have to go directly to college by MELODIE DAVIS David and Julie Sacra of rural Harrisonburg recognize they march a bit offbeat as they’ve encouraged their daughters to take a year off before going to college to “just b-r-e-a-t-h-e” a little—and Julie says “breathe” slowly, allowing herself to exhale as well. “For many, there’s only one path, one box,” Julie points out, and that is heading straight to college even when you have no earthly idea why or what kind of job or career you’d like to pursue. And it’s perfectly fine with the Sacras if their four daughters don’t end up going to college at all, as long as they’re growing in the Lord and discovering and using their God-given gifts. “You don’t need a college education for many jobs,” reminds David, with Julie adding, “of course I want my doctor to have a degree.”

There’s a lot of peer pressure to go straight to college—when all of your friends are doing so. The three older daughters, Kate, 24, Jenny, 22, and Emily, 19, are each currently in challenging and fulfilling jobs they love, without having gone to college at all. Their youngest daughter, Joelle, 10, is in fourth grade. The girls have had a combination of schooling through Blue Ridge Christian School in Bridgewater, Eastern Mennonite School, and several years of homeschooling by their mother. “Neither of the older two girls had a really clear idea of what they wanted to do. They both enjoyed many things especially at EMS: participating in music, volleyball, drama,” recalled their mother. “We had told them we’d put them through EMS but they would have to pay for college on their own as we felt that they would take it more seriously if they were responsible for their own debt,” noted David. “There’s a lot of peer pressure to go straight to college—when all of your friends are doing so, and they talk about their plans.” David has always been the primary breadwinner in this family, first working 22 years for Ric Peters at Shenandoah Paint and Decorating Center, first on Carlton Street and then at its present location on Neff Avenue in Harrisonburg. Eventually David decided to launch out on his own, now doing contract painting in homes and businesses since 2010. Julie supplemented the family income at times working from home: for a while, maintaining a custom drapery treatment 6 living • Spring 2015

“workroom” where interior decorators would ship fabric which she sewed to their specifications, and also doing some bookkeeping for small businesses. Their oldest daughter, Kate, is currently living and working in Tampa, Fla., employed by Chick-fil-A in marketing research and development, focusing on opening up new restaurants. Kate had worked through high school and summers for local businesses such as Lee & Associates, Bridal Impressions, and creating promotional and design materials for Aletheia Church. Eventually she was hired to work in marketing at Chick-fil-A at the Harrisonburg East Market street location, owned by friends Ashley and Greg Bellamy who had seen her gifts being used at Aletheia. “It’s a job that fits the particular gifts and abilities that the Lord gave her,” notes David, adding, “Sometimes the Lord provides through the people that you know.” Kate is now a marketing director for a Chick-fil-A in Tampa, as well as working for the corporation as a Regional Marketing Director (RMD). As a RMD she is thrilled to be able to travel and help in the creative way Chick-fil-A launches new stores. “She has been flown to places such as Los Angeles, Texas, and Chicago and truly loves her job,” Julie illustrates. Julie points out that Kate “could have went through four years of school in marketing and be $60,000-80,000 in debt, and still not really know what she now knows through three years of working in her job.” The Sacras believe that more than a specific degree, kids need attitudes where they are willing to learn and have a good work ethic, and they will be ready to do a variety of jobs successfully. Jenny began waitressing at Cracker Barrel in Harrisonburg in her “year off” where managers soon noticed her “gifts and abilities in human relations,” according to her mother. As a “people person,” Jenny did very well in waitressing and began training other employees, and then was asked to be the employee training coordinator for the district—the youngest ever to hold that spot. She was flown to company headquarters in Tennessee for training and has returned there for updates in employee retention. One older employee was especially grateful for the way Jenny worked with her to overcome nervousness about working with a computer, with no previous experience on computers. Jenny was married last year to Thomas Carrier and her younger sister, Emily, was thrilled to be able to photograph the wedding: not as a sister, but an entrepreneur running her own photography business at the age of 18. Through

high school she had apprenticed with other photographers at weddings so that “when I started, I wouldn’t have to ‘practice’ on anyone’s wedding,” Emily explained. Emily also talked another wedding photographer into helping shoot that wedding so she would be able to also participate as a bridesmaid—and stay sane, which she wrote about on her blog, EmilySacraPhotography.com. Julie recalled how Emily started her interest in photography with a “really dinky camera and always enjoyed it. She began teaching herself all about photography when she was just 12 and 13. She could see things we couldn’t see—and could take photos most other people wouldn’t take.” Emily added, “I started my blog when I was 11, including photography and my readership grew beyond just local people. This has given me contacts all over the world in photography.” She said she’s been hired for her first “destination” wedding in Florida this year (where the couple lives) and has shot weddings in Maryland, Washington, D.C., and Virginia— especially Charlottesville where increasingly couples head for beautiful, scenic wedding venues. Emily was also happy to take the cover shots for this issue of Valley Living, and all of the photos on these pages. Her father points out that she did not go into debt as she invested in her high quality equipment: “She got up to get to work by 5 a.m. at Chick-fil-A and saved up enough money” to pay cash for the camera, her Macbook Pro, and more. “I knew I wanted to pay cash; it is easy for people in this industry to go in the hole because it takes a lot of money to get started,” Emily added. She hopes to work her way up to an average of 30 weddings a year, and at this point also shoots

senior portraits, engagement photos and recently did a “cake smash” photography session for a one-year-old’s first birthday. Growing up, the girls did not receive an allowance, partially because that was the way David and Julie were raised, but also because they believe everyone can be expected to complete family chores without getting paid. Emily added, “I always knew that if I really really needed something, my parents would buy it for me.” Julie said that they all began learning to do their own laundry by the time they were four or five: “I drew colored lines on the floor in the basement and they knew how to sort things into whites, colors, and towels. They seemed to enjoy doing the laundry.” David and Julie are members of Greenmount Church of the Brethren north of Harrisonburg and their faith is very important to them. David summarizes their slightly offbeat approach in helping launch their children into adulthood as: “I don’t care about where they work and what money they earn; we just want them walking in God’s ways.” MELODIE DAVIS, editor of Living, is the mother of three young adult daugthers, and lives wih her husband near Harrisonburg, Va. She also blogs at www.FindingHarmonyBlog.com.

Emily’s experience photographing her sister’s wedding while ALSO being a bridesmaid is worth reading on her blog, “How I photographed my sister’s wedding,” http:// www.emilysacra.com/how-i-photographed-my-sisterswedding/.

The Sacra family on vacation on Eastern Shore, Va.: From left to right, Thomas Carrier, married to Jenny; Kate, Julie, Joelle, David and Emily. PHOTO BY EMILYSACRAPHOTOGRAPHY.COM

Spring 2015 • living 7

Eating fresh and locally:

affordable CSA program helps family farm succeed by LAUREE PURCELL It’s that time of year when numerous Rockingham County residents buy shares in one of four Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) programs offered locally. Glen Eco Farm CSA, owned by Marlin and Christine Burkholder, gives subscribers a weekly box of eight to 11 different types of garden produce and fruits over a period of 18 to 22 weeks, in return for an up-front payment before the season starts. Marlin enjoys opportunities the CSA gives him to relate directly with the people eating their harvest. He and Christine encourage customers to visit their farm to foster a stronger connection with the source of their food. On Tuesdays from May until October, customers pick up their weekly boxes of food at the Friendly City Food Co-op or at Glen Eco Farm near Singers Glen. The CSA program helps to preserve family farms and earth-friendly agriculture by allowing farmers to skip the wholesalers, shippers, processors, and retailers who usually capture much of the food buyer’s dollar. Since the food is sold locally, it can be picked at the peak of ripeness. Farmers are paid at the beginning of the season, the time when they need to cover early season operating expenses. Work begins as early as mid-January, when Marlin begins planting seeds in greenhouse trays assembled under grow lights in his basement. As young plants approach transplanting size, they are placed outside for several hours at a time. This cold hardens them prior to transplanting inside an unheated greenhouse structure called a “high tunnel” which is formed with plastic sheeting. Later some plants are transplanted directly into the field. By the beginning of April, he hopes to have plenty of fresh lettuce ready for local CSA customers and the Harrisonburg Farmers Market. In early April, he will begin transplanting eight-week-old tomato plants between the lettuce plants as they are being harvested, training them to grow up strings attached to the ceiling to “unbelievable heights” according to Marlin. They produce vine-ripened fruit from mid-June until the end of 8 living • Spring 2015

October. The high tunnel increases the growing season by protecting plants from early and late season frosts, and by keeping out heavy soaking rains which worsen tomato blight and shorten the plants’ productive season. In January, Marlin has carrot and radish seeds just starting to sprout in the tunnel. Raspberry bushes, which will produce until early November, line the inner sides of the tunnel. The Burkholders also tend chickens. In a shed made of translucent plastic that lets in the light and heat of the sun, 100 light-brown adolescent chickens peck the ground and interact with each other. “They will be laying eggs by April and will have two years on the farm to run freely before becoming someone’s dinner,” says Marlin. Last year’s babies, now surrounding Marlin’s movable coop in the field, are full grown laying hens with mottled feathers. He buys a different breed each year so he can tell the old hens from the new. During the spring, summer, and fall months, Marlin moves the coop every one to two weeks to a fresh spot so the chickens can fertilize the soil with their droppings and eat insects and plants left in spent fields. The combination of grain, extra squash, melons and tomatoes he is unable to sell, and whatever else To prepare for market in early April, Marlin and his family plant lettuce seedlings in January under the protection of a tunnel made of plastic sheeting. PHOTOS PROVIDED

the hens forage from the field makes the eggs and meat more flavorful and nutritious. Marlin divides his fields into alternating strips of grasslegume mixtures and crops. The crop strips are interchanged with the grass strips periodically to facilitate crop rotation. This process helps to maintain soil fertility and to reduce the severity of pests. Marlin says, “I use organic methods whenever possible and seldom apply chemical sprays close to harvest or in any way that poses risk of contamination of food or the environment.” He is researching the possibility of adding microorganisms to the soil to strengthen the immune system of his plants so they can better resist blights and insect pests. Since Marlin sells his tomatoes, pears, berries and other produce at the Harrisonburg Farmers Market and to local members of his CSA, he can grow more flavorful heirloom varieties that are best eaten within several days of being picked for top flavor and nutritional value. Marlin enjoys the freedom of running a small family farm. “With just three aged tractors and machines for tillage and haymaking, I don’t have a big machinery investment and can occasionally take time off, especially in the wintertime.”

A CSA share provides families with weekly boxes of eight to 11 different varieties of high quality produce, such as these squash blossoms and heirloom tomatoes.

he says. When he sees a spot in his pasture that needs to be fertilized, he feeds hay to cattle there so it receives their manure for a while. Marlin received a B.S. in agriculture from Virginia Tech and blogged regularly about his farming experiences from 2006-2010 at www.gleneco.blogspot.com. Earlier, dairy farming took a toll on Marlin’s health. When he helped his father run a dairy farm from the mid 1970s to the early 1990s, he became chronically ill from exposure to mold around silos, diesel tractor fumes, and various chemicals used for sanitation in the milking parlor. “I switched to vegetable production in 1992 and try to avoid exposure to chemicals and mold as much as possible to improve my health,” says Marlin. In 2002, he discovered a tick bite surrounded by an ominous red rash on his chest. His doctor prescribed antibiotics for several weeks to avoid Lyme disease. But by 2006, he began experiencing muscle aches, arthritis, headaches, and other symptoms now believed to be possible manifestations of late stage Lyme disease relapse. By early 2009 the symptoms worsened and included panic attacks and rapid heartbeat. Local doctors could not find the cause of his discomfort until in early 2010, a Lyme disease specialist in Maryland found that he tested positive for Lyme and two other co-infections

caused by ticks. He is still in pain and seeking help from a medical community still searching for answers to this problem. When Marlin was in high school, the Glen Eco Farm’s egg-laying hens fertilize the soil average farmer with their droppings and eat insects and plants fed himself left in spent fields. and 20 people. Today that number is closer to 100. It concerns Marlin that most farms today are highly consolidated and industrialized and believed by many to be responsible for significant environmental degradation. “Unless food producing and buying habits change, I see a sad future for small-scale agriculture,” says Marlin. With the average age of Virginia farmers now approaching 60, Marlin and Christine are among many farmers of retirement age. Many young people are finding the startup costs of land, capitalization, and labor for farming too formidable and end up pursuing other occupations. There is an urgent need for more sustainable strategies to attract the upcoming generation of farmers. Subscribing to a CSA is an effective way local residents can help farmers like Marlin and his family stay in business and give hope and opportunity to young people who might prefer to farm. The initial investment in a CSA share is significant, but subscribers pay slightly less than they would for the same food at the farmers market and the quality of the food is far superior to comparable food found in supermarkets. To learn more about Glen Eco Farm’s CSA Program, visit http://www.localharvest.org/glen-eco-farm-M410 or call 540-833-8802. Information and pictures of the farm can be found on the blog at www.gleneco.blogspot.com. Marlin and Christine are currently working on a Glen Eco Farm website where CSA applications can be made. Their mailing address is 10943 Wills Creek Rd, Linville VA 22834. LAUREE STROUD PURCELL serves as an editorial consultant for Living. She and her husband Steve have two daughters.

Other Harrisonburg-area CSA Programs: Season’s Bounty Farm & CSA Radell Schrock 540-908-5399 • Joseph Ropp 540-246-3998 seasonsbountyfarm.com Radical Roots Community Farm (540) 269-2228 radicalrootsfarm.com Muddy Creek Farmstead Nate Clark (540) 435-8432 muddycreekfarmstead.wordpress.com Spring 2015 • living 9

Money Matters

Guidance on family finances

When “soft skills” help pay the bills by KEN GONYER “The best young workers,” my friend told me, “are kids who come from a large family or who grew up on a farm. It seems like they’re the only ones who know how to work hard and get along.” We were talking about a newspaper story we’d read about the absence of “soft skills” among manufacturing workers. In the article, company reps complained that they’re not seeing enough dedication, punctuality or teamwork among their employees. Because many new hires come in with no previous work experience, employers are realizing they have to teach them how to act in the workplace at the same time they’re teaching them the skills needed for the job. My friend, who has been managing the same business for almost 25 years, has hired scores of young adults over the years. The ones who worked out the best have been those with a sense of responsibility and initiative they’d learned as children. They already knew how to take orders and share the load, having spent years doing chores and helping out alongside siblings. At work they recognized right away that they were getting paid in exchange for good results, not just for showing up. Having grown up in a small family in the suburbs, I’d never slopped pigs or wrestled for a spot at the dinner table, but I told my friend that I thought I turned out okay. “That’s because your parents were self-employed,” my friend reasoned. “You grew up watching them work hard and take care of their customers.” This discussion really got me thinking about the important role that parents, aunts, uncles, teachers and neighbors play in preparing young people for success in all aspects of their careers. Adult mentors can make a life-long impact on a youth’s way of approaching work. I know they did in my life, especially when I started my first paying job, at age 11, to earn money for ice skates. That winter, the neighbor boy got new skates for Christmas: a beautiful brand-name pair that smelled like the new leather of a baseball glove and flashed sunlight off their shiny blades. My skates had rusty blades and smelled like dirty socks—I wanted new ones! The soft skills lessons began right there. First, I learned 10 living • Spring 2015

about taking initiative and solving problems. In response to my begging, my parents told me that nothing was stopping me from having new skates. I would simply need to figure out a way to make money and buy them myself. After some thinking and ©THINKSTOCK asking around, I discovered an opportunity to deliver newspapers in our neighborhood. The next lesson was in professional communication skills. Signing up for a delivery route meant calling the newspaper, and my folks urged me to make the call myself. They coached me on what to say and then walked out of the room as I dialed the number. I still clearly remember the gut-gnawing anxiety of that phone conversation. Sadly, I learned that there were no routes available. Another kid already delivered to 40 subscribers on my street. I talked to my one of my teachers about the call and was soon learning several new soft skills: planning, goal-setting, sales and negotiation. With my teacher’s help, I realized that there were a lot of potential subscribers in my neighborhood. If I could sign them up for the paper, I’d have a route of my own. We came up with a plan: I’d give my neighbors the paper for a week—for free—and then ask them to subscribe. The manager at the paper was intrigued by my request to buy 50 papers a day at half price. “Kid,” he said, “if you’re willing to work for free, I’ll give you the papers for free. If you get 25 customers, you’ve got a paper route.” When my Uncle Bobby, an entrepreneur, heard about my plan, he gave me a lesson in professionalism. His advice was to work hard and do a better job than the other “paper boy” in our neighborhood. With his encouragement, I neatly folded every paper, delivered it as early as possible, and left it at the door, dry and safe. He even paid for a box of business cards

that said “Kenny Gonyer, Newspaper Delivery” and included my phone number. I slipped a card and an order form in every paper. Unfortunately, after a week of hard work, I was told that I hadn’t sold enough subscriptions to start a new route. I was crushed. My parents consoled me at first, but then imparted to me a skill they’d learned from a year of being self-employed: the habit of persistence. They convinced me that I wasn’t finished yet—there was one more thing to do. My mom drove me to every house where I’d left free samples. I knocked on the door, offered my business card, asked if they liked their papers, then asked if they would like to subscribe. Maybe it was the business card … maybe it was the neatly folded papers … maybe it was this four-foot nine-inch tall kid so seriously trying so hard to close a sale. By the end of the evening, I had 40 subscribers. Within a few months, I also had my ice skates.

More than three decades later, I don’t remember what brand of skates I bought or how much money I earned every week delivering newspapers. I do remember the people who helped me—parents, relatives, teachers and others—and all of the lessons they taught me about how to be successful in my first business venture. Having drawn on those skills countless times since, at school, at work and at home, I’m profoundly grateful for their investment. KEN GONYER is Director of Member Care at Park View Federal Credit Union (www.pvfcu.org) in Harrisonburg, Va. KAREN GONYER is a real estate agent with KlineMay Realty in Harrisonburg, Va. Email questions to ken.gonyer@pvfcu.org.

H. LEE STOVER RANDALL STOVER (540) 828-6763 Fax (540) 828-4426 3889 Dry River Road Bridgewater, VA 22812

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Family Forum

Strengthening family relationships ©THINKSTOCK

Locked up on Liberty Street by HARVEY YODER

PHOTO PROVIDED

any of us in the Harrisonburg area frequently drive by our local jail on South Liberty Street without realizing there are some 350 of our neighbors packed together in that facility, some 20 percent of them simply awaiting trial. And if you happen to come by on a weekend visitation day, you will find numerous family members, parents, children, grandparents, siblings and others waiting to spend a half hour with a loved one behind bars. Needless to say, being incarcerated can create high levels of stress for already fragile families, often resulting in traumatized and neglected children, broken relationships, financial crises, and increased costs of foster care and other social services. An important part of rehabilitating offenders is helping them maintain strong family and community ties. Meet inmate John Doe, an all too typical young father who is behind in his child support payments and is waiting for his third court hearing. Like all too many others, he has made some bad choices that have resulted in his having a second DUI, losing his job as a truck driver and contributing to the breakup of his marriage. But he does love his two-year-old son and five-year-old daughter, and would like to be able to support them while still paying his other bills and keeping up with his rent. But he’s overwhelmed by all of his problems and has been getting further and further behind. Unfortunately, while he is behind bars the interest and

12 living • Spring 2015

Being incarcerated can create high levels of stress for already fragile families. Families help to provide funds so inmates can purchase personal items.

penalties on his child support payments continue to add up, making his financial problems seem ever more hopeless. Some communities have come up with a few fresh approaches such as: 1) drug and alcohol courts with alternative sentencing and treatment options, 2) day reporting programs that have offenders continue to work while checking in every day and submitting to regular drug and alcohol tests, 3) in-home detention, with or without the use of ankle bracelet technology, 4) and having more pretrial cases released on bond while awaiting hearings. Without such options, John Doe’s life is on hold. On the looked-forward-to visitation day, he is brought to a visitation booth in handcuffs and in orange prison garb to see his mother, dad and/or his estranged wife, who sometimes bring his children with them to see their daddy. During their 30 minutes together they are separated by a wall of concrete and steel and have to speak through a glass window, along with a row of other visitors. Meanwhile someone among his family and friends must see

to it they pay the jail $30 a month ($1 per day) in “rent” for him to be behind bars. Otherwise he will not be able to able to purchase highly overpriced personal items at the commissary (10 cents for a packet of ketchup, 17 cents a packet of mayo, and $4.39 for three ounces of ground coffee). Phone service is also expensive, limiting the number of collect calls his friends or family members may be able to accept. Any changes at our local facility that could help offenders and their families financially—and enable them to stay in closer touch with each other and with a supportive community—could greatly help them mend their lives and heal their relationships. HARVEY YODER is a family counselor and teaches parenting and marriage classes at the Family Life Resource Center. Questions relating to family concerns can be addressed to FLRC, 273 Newman Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801 or to Harvey@flrc.org. His blog can be followed at harvyoder.blogspot.com.

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Cooking Corner

Recipes and tips for cooking at home

Baked Lemon Pasta with Asparagus Asparagus is one of the earliest things from the garden and while it can be eaten solo, this dish makes it a meal and the lemon keeps it light and very flavorful. This recipe is adapted from www.pioneerwoman.com and serves six. 1 pound 4 tbsp. 15-20 spears 3-4 cloves 3 tbsp. 1 1/2 cups 1 tsp. 1/4 cup

pasta, your choice butter fresh asparagus, cut into 1 inch pieces garlic, minced lemon curd sour cream salt chopped fresh parsley

1. Cook the pasta according to the directions and drain. 2. In a large saucepan, melt butter and sauté the asparagus and minced garlic until just tender. 3. Take the saucepan off the heat and stir in lemon curd (see recipe below) along with the sour cream and salt. 4. Add drained pasta to the saucepan and stir until well-coated. 5. Add parsley, combine and transfer to a greased two-quart baking dish. 6. Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. 7. Bake uncovered an additional 10 minutes and serve.

(adapted from Cooking Light Annual Recipes 2001) Yields about 1 1/3 cups 3/4 cup 1 tbsp. 2 large 2/3 cup 3 tbsp.

sugar grated lemon rind eggs fresh lemon juice (about 3 large lemons) butter

1. Combine the first three ingredients in a saucepan over medium heat, stirring with a whisk. 2. Cook until sugar dissolves and mixture is light in color (about 3 minutes). 3. Stir in lemon juice and butter, cook 5 minutes, stirring constantly with a whisk until it thickens slightly. 4. Cool completely, cover and chill (or freeze). It will set up and become thicker as it cools.

From the blog Thy Hand Hath Provided, written by “Jane”. This recipe and many others can be found in Jane’s cookbook by the same name. Find ordering information on her website at www.thyhandhathprovided.com/p/the-cookbook.html.

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14 living • Spring 2015

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Young adults to watch

Sales Representative Needed Do you like to build relationships?

Charlotte Arbogast coordinates dementia services for Virginia Harrisonburg native Charlotte Arbogast has been the Commonwealth’s first dementia services coordinator for the Virginia Department for Aging and Rehabilitative Services since July 2013. Before that, she spent a year as a policy analyst for the Virginia Department of Health. She attends many meetings and, at just 27, is almost always the youngest person in the room. While she was in high school, Charlotte enjoyed spending time with her grandfather and other residents who had Alzheimer’s disease at a local assisted living facility. She watched her mother, Ellen Swecker, struggle to meet the needs of her children (Charlotte has a twin brother, Brent) and her father while managing her own career. That experience influenced Charlotte to sign up for a work-study job at the Beard Center on Aging while she was majoring in history at Lynchburg College. During her three years working for the center, she coordinated events, did research for presentations, helped plan and prepare for an annual conference on aging, and more. She was appointed to the Virginia Alzheimer’s Disease and Related Disorders Commission at the beginning of her senior year. As one of the lead writers of Virginia’s 2011 Dementia State Plan, she travelled to many regional meetings for public comment from caregivers. In 2013, the Virginia General Assembly approved the creation of a new position, dementia services coordinator, to implement the state’s plan. Charlotte, who had completed an M.S. in gerontology from Virginia Commonwealth University and a postbaccalaureate certificate in public management, was hired to fill the new position. Charlotte got married to David Malakouti last spring, and they live in Richmond. Her advice to young people is to take studies beyond the classroom by volunteering and seeking internships and a variety of jobs. “Dip your toes in the water and try different things to see what speaks to you while you still have that freedom,” says Charlotte. Charlotte also encourages readers to visit www.alzpossible.org, dars.virginia.gov/ and www. alz.org for free webinars and other information related to her career in the field of aging. Know someone under the age of 30 you’d like to see spotlighted in a future issue? The only requirements are that they either currently live in the Valley, or grew up here, and stand out for their job, their community, or church work, and the passion and model they provide. Contact us at info@valleyliving.org.

Do you value setting your own schedule? In addition to flexibility, we offer a career where the better you are at your job, the more you will get paid. Media for Living, publisher of Valley Living magazine, seeks to hire a sales representative. As part of the sales team, you will sell print and online advertising and be responsible for developing advertising leads. Must be self-motivated with a desire to meet or exceed sales goals. Experience in publishing and sales a plus. Flexible schedule – set your own hours. For more information, visit valleyliving.org. Submit cover letter and resume to info@valleyliving.org.

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SHOP DONATE VOLUNTEER Spring 2015 • living 15

The hunt for Easter

aster at our house was more than egg hunting and going to church. It was a renewal of traditions we pass down from generation to generation. When so much in our culture pulls us apart and fragments the family, traditions have a way of bringing the family together. Weeks before Easter Sunday, my mother, six sisters and I would begin the yearly ritual of making matching Easter outfits for all our children. One year we all knitted matching ponchos for all the girls to wear. This was a huge task, as between us seven daughters (no sons) we have a grand total of 20 children, 11 boys and nine girls. We would all go to the local fabric store and pick out the material to make the dresses or shirts needed. Each family would get the same material. We would take our sewing machines and meet at my parent’s house, several times a week to work on the outfits, taking turns bringing the lunch. We would spend hours sewing, laughing and reminiscing about past Easters. The days in between sewing, we would shop together for the candy treats and small toys for their Easter baskets along with the traditional Easter hats, shoes, socks and spring jackets. We only got new clothes at the beginning of the school year, Christmas and Easter, so we were excited about shopping for a new Easter outfit for ourselves also. The night before Easter, we all met at my parent’s house to color and decorate the eggs. We boiled 17 dozen that would be hidden in the yard early the next morning by my father. We made enough so each child had 10 eggs to find. My father never tired of hiding the eggs; he got pure enjoyment at watching his grandchildren hunt for them, bringing to mind his own childhood. When I think of my childhood, I remember he hid candy eggs for us, but when I watch his old films, I remember why he changed to hard boiled eggs: ants! On Easter Sunday, the entire family of 32 people would meet in the parking lot at our Catholic church for an early

by KATHI WHRITENOUR

mass. One of us would go in and save enough seats together for us all, and then we would walk in together: 12 adults in new spring clothes and 20 children all in matching outfits. I know others enjoyed seeing our entire family and it always put a big smile on our priest’s face. After church, the drive back to my parent’s house was hectic. The children were exploding with excitement, and they could not wait to begin their Easter egg hunt. As adults, we joined in their excitement because we remembered having the same Easter egg hunts when we were young. When we arrived at the house, the children strained to see the eggs they would go for first as we went into the house. We each brought our parents multicolored daffodils, crocus and hyacinth as gifts for Easter, representing new life and hope. My father had filled the living room picture window with large white Easter Lilies and

As I watch them carry out the family traditions, I reflect on how our traditions kept our family bonds strong. deep purple and maroon gloxinias grown in his greenhouse. Beside the flowers were 20 Easter baskets, wrapped in brightly colored cellophane with bows on top and each child’s name on the ribbon. The children were allowed to look at their baskets, but not open them, which built up their excitement even more. We gathered around the window to take pictures, one family at a time while trying to restrain other children from trying to peek out the windows to spy the eggs they would head for first. It was hard to keep them still and away from the windows. After the pictures were done, we snacked on cinnamon rolls and orange juice to hold everyone off until breakfast. My mother would give each child a brightly ©THINKSTOCK

The writer recalls throwback memories of extensive family preparations for Easter; today our celebration may be more simplified and can focus on finding Easter eggs and making sure children know what the holiday is about.

16 living • Spring 2015

colored Easter basket to hunt with and then line them up by the back door, oldest to youngest, while the adults positioned themselves outdoors with their cameras. When the door was open, the children burst out; the older ones had to run to the top of the yard to start hunting, to give the little ones a chance to get eggs nearer the door. The scene was always the same, children running to and fro, shouting, “I found one!” with some fighting over the same egg. The laughing, happy children had baskets filled to overflowing, while the crying ones held only one or two and my mother filmed the whole thing on her Super 8 movie camera. My mother would not only film the hunt, but she would zero in on each of us and make us wave and show off our new Easter outfits. When the initial frenzy was over, the men would walk around with salt shakers in their pockets, helping the crying ones find the overlooked eggs, peeling and eating them as they went. The women would go into the house and start breakfast. Easter breakfast was always the same, heaping mounds of fried ham, platters of fried eggs, mounds of buttered toast, glasses of fresh orange juice and coffee. My sisters and I each took a different part of the preparation. One frying the ham on an electric griddle, one frying the eggs on the stove, one making the toast, one squeezing the orange juice, one making coffee and another setting the tables and one setting up chairs. Breakfast was not served until the last egg was thought to be found, even though many of the adults and the little children gave up earlier. Finally when my parents came in, it was time to eat. We would gather around the tables and hold hands and say a prayer of thanks to God. After breakfast the children

finally got to open their baskets. My parents are gone now and my children are the adults with children. Perhaps some readers cannot imagine this size of family or making all those outfits! The younger generation has made some changes, like using plastic eggs with candy or toys inside instead of the hard-boiled ones, because the missed eggs rotted and were horrid when hit by the lawn mower. Only the littlest children will wear our homemade dresses and shirts now and we eat breakfast in shifts because our family has grown to over 75. As I watch them carry out the family traditions, I reflect on how our traditions kept our family bonds strong. KATHI WHRITENOUR is a freelance writer from Maryland.

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2015 Highland Summer Camps Highland Retreat campers experience

the out-of-doors in a beautiful mountain setting and relationships within a positive Christian community. Options for ages 5-17. Located in NW Rockingham County.

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www.highlandretreat.org Spring 2015 • living 17

A new day, a fresh beginning by JEN STEINER

hear the familiar squeaks and grunts over the baby monitor, signs that my almost-four-month-old is awake and ready for the day. As I reach into her crib, Mara looks up at me with her blue eyes, full of such trust and anticipation of a new day. I say good morning and a big grin breaks over her chubby cheeks. I unzip her from her sleep sack and her arms immediately shoot up. Stretching, she is precious to behold. Even though a full night’s sleep is a long lost memory for me, these morning moments are priceless. What will the day bring? What new things will my daughter discover today? Sometimes these sweet moments are clouded in my mind by the reality of the ugliness on the morning news: war, violence and destruction. There are so many things of which we can be fearful. What a contrast to the hope and innocence I see in my daughter’s eyes when I reach into the crib each morning. It is easy to feel hopeless. Cancer and other diseases strike our loved ones. Broken families and strained relationships cause hurt and stress. Our environment deteriorates. Hate and ignorance lurk everywhere. Intolerance breeds hate, spite and revenge.

I see her kick and dance along to music and I hope she always has the confidence to be her own person. Along with many other parents, I oftentimes wonder what kind of a world we have brought our child into. A society that seems ever more divided, trying to make anyone who is different from us into an enemy. There are many values and types of people. Filter the information and entertainment coming into your life. What will the world be like when she grows up? And then I look into my daughter’s eyes. I see the way she lights up when she hears her daddy’s voice, and I hope she always feels secure and safe. I see the innocent way she studies new people, and then breaks into a drooly grin. I hope she never learns prejudice and hate. I hear her coo and babble as she tries out her voice. I hope she uses that voice to speak for justice. I watch in wonder as she strains her head from side to side, trying to take in everything. I hope she always looks for the best in the world and in the people around her. I see her kick and dance along to music and I hope she always has the confidence to be her own person. I watch her shriek with delight and I hope she never feels the limits society will try to place on her. 18 living • Spring 2015

No matter how short the night has been, bright morning smiles and eager arms usually brings new perspective and energy for weary parents. ©THINKSTOCK

In my daughter, I see a new beginning and a chance for things to be better. I wonder who she will become and what her personality will be like. It’s amazing to watch her experience things for the first time. Not only is there hope in her eyes, but also that hope is reflected back at me. It may sound cliché, but she really does make me want to be a better person. I want to teach her to love herself and then pass that love onto others. But I recognize in order to teach her, I need to model that love myself. As those little eyes watch my actions, I hope to be a good example. I rest assured grace will prevail. Her whole life is laid out before her, full of endless possibilities and hope. I want her to know she is a loved child of God and she can never lose that love. When she wakes up each morning and stretches her arms above her head, there is joy and expectation for the day. I have faith in a future filled with God’s hope for my daughter and for all our daughters and sons. JEN STEINER is a freelance writer from Indiana.

Easter

means

new life

hope

and

is available for

all

Find out more by visiting, attending and becoming a vital part of the church of your choice. There are many to choose from in our beautiful Shenandoah Valley. At Easter we celebrate the joy of knowing that Jesus Christ, who died on the cross, lives again.

This Easter message sponsored by: Melodie & Stuart Davis

Matt Lohr, Beth Galati and families

Dusty Rhodes Attorney

Bernard & Joan Martin

John & Mary Ann Heatwole

Trisha & Jeremy Blosser

Glendon Blosser

Huffman Trailer Sales

Dorothy Hartman

Byard & Betty Deputy

Jonas Borntrager

Lindsey & Timothy Shantz

Friends of Valley Living

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David Rohrer Spring 2015 • living 19

When do the kids become adults? ©THINKSTOCK

Finding new support and strength from your adult children can be an unexpected but welcome outcome of dealing with serious illness.

by SUSAN DEBOW

hey crowded into the hospital room, the same hospital they were born in, to visit their father, who had just had surgery. All but one of them had been born on the floor above. The ninth floor was the floor of hope and miracles and crying babies and proud papas and new mothers whose hearts had just about burst with love for their newborn. The eighth floor, where we all sat and stood now, was also a floor of hope and miracles, but also one of cancer and fear and pain. When my husband of nearly 33 years was diagnosed with colon cancer in January, the first calls I made were to our children. No matter one is 30, one is almost 29, another 25 and the baby 20, they were still the “kids” or the “children.” As a parent you always wonder if you have instilled the qualities in your children you believe are important. Are they good people? Do they know how to love? Do they understand commitment? What kind of citizen will they be? What kind of parent? Do they understand how much you have and always will love them?

The disease nobody wants … opened my eyes to a family that has turned out stronger. Like other families, ours is one made up of individuals. My husband and I worked hard at raising strong individuals. Three out of four participated in sports of all sorts. We were on the self-esteem bandwagon along with most of the rest of society. So we did what we could to assist each child in their quest for their own identities. It was after years of family dinners being missed and 20 living • Spring 2015

vacations shortened because of the fear of getting benched, I realized perhaps we had gone too far down the stream of self-realization. I could not help feel although we raised fine individuals, my vision of what I thought I wanted our family to be had suffered. I wanted my children to grow up to be each other’s best friends. Along their journeys to finding out who they were, they met others with whom they shared more interests and commonalities. They all developed fabulous friends, which I loved and admired. But I was also scared as far as building a strong family unit, I might have failed. Family get-togethers sometimes seemed strained. Conversations forced. Commonalities rare. I felt, to some degree, I had failed. Politeness ruled. But did love? And family? Since January I have found the answer. Who would have thought cancer would be the instigator? The disease nobody wants, the one that takes the breath away by merely uttering the word, opened my eyes to a family that has turned out stronger in reality than it was in my dreams. From the moment we found out the news of my husband’s cancer, the outpouring of support and strength we have received from our “adult” children has given me the same bursting feeling of love as when I was on the ninth floor of the hospital giving birth. They have closed ranks and opened arms and surrounded us like a cocoon. Without my instigation they have called each other, offered support and extended the hands of a family to get us through this life-altering time. As I was staying at the hospital tending to the needs of my husband, our four children showed us what kind of adults they have become. They have answered the questions that, as a mother, I had been curious about. Our relationships have changed. So have our conversations. Instead of always feeling “parental” when I talk with them, I feel human. Loved. It is great to experience them rising to the occasion and taking charge. I have seen eyes filled with love, hugs bounded in strength, kindness oozing from their pores. They have proactively stepped up to the plate to deal with the word we all fear … cancer. As my husband and I sat in the hospital room on Easter morning waiting for the doctor to come in and decide if he would be released, one of my daughters called. She said our “kids” were all getting together at one of our son’s houses. Daughters-in-law, grandkids—everyone. Everyone but my husband and I.

You might think I would have been sad we wouldn’t be there. But I wasn’t. As I sat on the edge of my husband’s bed waiting for yet another verdict in this marathon race they call cancer, I had the biggest smile on my face I had had in months. We had indeed raised a family. SUSAN DEBOW is a freelance writer from Ohio. Susan’s husband, Nick, is a 12-year survivor of colon cancer. He now has Parkinson’s disease, but is doing “okay.”

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A huge THANK YOU to the following contributors for helping fulfill the vision of Valley Living to build positive relationships in the family and community: Phyllis Arbogast Leon & Elizabeth Bailey Patti Banton Ruth L. Burkholder Bonnie L. Collins Jackie Deane Jeanie Diehl Joann Foltz Walter Gerner Martha Gooden Edna Hasaflook Beatrice E. Horst

Harold E. Huffman, M.D. Don Hunsberger Bernice D. Hutton Janice Jones Pearl L. Keister Karen Kimble Charlotte Landes Virginia M. Martin Dessil May Randy & Teresa May Brenda Miller Mildred Miller

Sara G. Miller Frank Mundy Annie S. Olaker L. Doug Propst Julia Rhodes Maurice & Frances Ritchie M. Hope Ritchie Donna Shafer Juanelle Simmons Joseph W. Shifflett & Mary Lee Shifflett Savilla Shipe

Betty Smith Eugene Souder & Alice B. Souder Patricia L. Sponaugle Paul & Bertha Swarr Marion & Patsy Thompson Betty Troyer Edwin Wade Joyce S. Warren Patricia Wichael Shirley M. Young

The winner of the 2-year Valley Living subscription is Ethel Ernst of Churchville.

Spring 2015 • living 21

Five ways to live with adult children A by CAROL J. ALEXANDER

ccording to the Office of National Statistics, 3.3 million 20-34 year olds lived with their parents in 2013. The number of young adults living with their parents has increased 25 percent since 1996, despite the fact the number of people in that age group has remained the same. What does that mean for parents? Delayed empty nest, increased financial burden at a time when parents look forward to a little extra cash and possibly stress in the family dynamics. Joy said she and her husband could not help with the cost of college for their three children. Therefore, they promised them if they needed to pay off student loans they could move back to their New York home until they were financially stable. At first their daughters took them up on the offer. Living with mom and dad, the girls worked jobs, paid off their loans and saved enough to move into a rental house together with friends. Although

If part of that plan involves moving back in with mom and dad, give them a time frame for how long they will be welcome.

as baby birds are meant to do.” Whether you anticipate a positive experience of having your children move back home after college, or living at home after high school, it pays to be prepared. Parents that have been through this new stage in life—that falls between having all the family at home and the empty nest—are speaking out. They want to share what they have learned from their experiences. Here are five things they suggest others do to make it work.

Begin in high school

Joy says parents need to prepare for this stage while their children are still in high school. Encourage them to have a plan of action that includes more than just getting a job, which might not happen before the loans come due. If part of that plan involves moving back in with mom and dad, give them a time frame for how long they will be welcome. If your kids do not plan to go to college, require them to have a target date of moving out and being self-supporting. Then help them to formulate a plan that will help them get there.

Discuss everything up front

If your children talk of moving back home after college, have a meeting with the entire family. Make your expectations clear and ask them what they expect. If there are younger siblings in the home, ask them to contribute as well. If need be, put things in writing and sign it. Your agreement might include household responsibilities, room and board, vehicle use and target move-out date.

22 living • Spring 2015

©THINKSTOCK

the girls added to mom’s workload by dirtying the kitchen and not taking care of their own laundry, they did shop, pay for groceries and make sure everyone got fed. More recently Joy’s son graduated from college, moved back home and now works a part-time job while awaiting his upcoming marriage. He neither shops or pays for groceries and does not cook. In fact, Joy frequently needs dad’s intervention to get her son to take out the garbage. The tension mounts in this household as mom awaits the wedding not with the usual bittersweet feelings of having an only son leave home, but with joyful anticipation of getting her empty nest back. In contrast, Diane, mom of two, enjoyed having her daughter live in their Maryland home until she was 28. She might still be there had mom and dad not decided to relocate to another state. But after the separation, Diane noticed her daughter blossom. She saw her develop the ability to provide for herself and be self-sufficient as a single woman. “My heart was broken into a million pieces for months after she left,” confided Diane, but “forcing her to leave was the very best thing we could Discussing boundaries, house rules and expectations can make the difference in healthy have done for her.” Diane saw her “soaring relationships when adult kids move home.

Stop micro-managing

Janet, mother of four from Maryland said, “They are adults and have been on their own. Stop micro-managing them.” Slowly letting our children go until they are self-sufficient is an important job as a parent; and that job should begin in the pre-teen years. Adult children do not need reminded to go to bed early, to take a sweater or to pick up their room. But since we, as parents, have been nagging them for years, we have a hard time breaking the habit. “Because he’s 23 and almost ready to be married,” said Joy, her son “doesn’t want mom to tell or ask him anything.”

Encourage paying their own way

Children earning a living need to pay their way. Granted they may be paying off student loans or saving to get married, but unless they understand the responsibility that goes with supporting oneself, they may never take the plunge. Diane said by not requiring her daughter to pay room and board at home they were holding her back. Once they asked her to move out, she found the way to make her self-employment pay the bills.

Steer clear of friction impacting your marriage

Sometimes one parent may take sides with a child at home over the other partner. That is a grave mistake. One day that child will move out and you will have an empty nest. When that time comes, you want to have a close relationship with your spouse. Joy said although there is tension in the home, “I love my husband too much to let it come between us.” CAROL J. ALEXANDER is a freelance writer from Virginia.

You are warmly invited to...

Grace Mennonite Fellowship Pastors Richard K. Early & Mark L. Landis Youth Pastor Brad Kolb gracemennonite@comcast.net • www.gracemennonite.net

Two Worship Services Each Sunday: Service 1 @ 8:30 a.m. Sunday School @ 10 a.m. Service 2 @ 11 a.m.

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(540) 442-6235

Spring 2015 • living 23

A Helping children believe in themselves

uthor and Rabbi Joseph Telushkin tells of giving a lecture at which he asked the audience: “How many of you grew up in a household in which somebody’s ill temper had a bad effect on the household?” Present in the audience that day were two of his daughters, then ages six and four. To his embarrassment, and to the audience’s immense amusement, his six-year-old raised her hand and, the fouryear-old, seeing her sister’s hand, did as well. Later Rabbi Telushkin spoke to his daughter asking about her raised hand. She explained, “I often snapped at her when I was teaching her to read.” He immediately apologized to her: “It’s wrong of me to do that. I’m really sorry. I’ll try not to do that again, and I hope you can forgive me.” Rabbi Telushkin also told her in the future, “if I became impatient, she should say to me, ‘Daddy, you’re not supposed to get angry.’” That father’s response was filled with wisdom and compassion. In asking his daughter for an explanation, listening carefully to it and then responding positively, he affirmed his daughter’s opinions, thoughts and feelings were important. It was a great leap forward in empowering his daughter to believe in herself. Parents who want the best for their children must first teach them how to believe the best in themselves. “There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in,” notes author Graham Greene. Here are seven more ways parents and other significant adults can help children believe in themselves.

by VICTOR M. PARACHIN

As kids get older, most love helping out with real jobs around the house where they do more than hand a screwdriver or fetch a clean up rag.

Let your eyes light up when your children are around. Laugh more. Enjoy the things they bring to your life.

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24 living • Spring 2015

1) Make them your priority. A child’s self esteem is greatly strengthened when they are made to feel important by the significant adults in their life. One effective way of showing this is simply to be present for significant occasions. One man, now a father himself, relates the disappointment and frustration he feels toward his father: “Between the time I was 5 and 13 years old, my father was home for only two of my birthdays. His job required him to travel a lot, but I can’t understand why he couldn’t arrange to be home for my birthday. I never felt he cared about me.” The lesson for others from his experience is this: If we are not present at the important events in our children’s lives, they are likely to feel the same way as this man, angry and resentful toward their parents. Even though your work schedule may be very demanding, make the time to be present for your child’s important days such as the first day of school, birthdays, first recital, graduation and sports they participate in. Consider this advice from Valerie Bell, author of “Getting Out of Your Kids’ Faces and into Their Hearts.” She shares, “Let your eyes light up when your children are around. Laugh more. Tell them how empty and quiet it is when they’re not there. Enjoy the things they bring to your life. Attend their activities, not as if they were compulsory for parents, but throw yourself into their lives.”

2) Build up rather than chip away at children. That wisdom comes from Robert Brooks, PhD., and Sam Goldstein, PhD., authors of “Raising Resilient Children.” They write: “A beautiful statue can be created by either starting with a large piece of marble and chipping away or starting with a small lump of clay and building up. Although in the art work either method may produce a beautiful work, in the parenting world the chipping method is unproductive.” Too often many parents are guilty of “chipping away” without realizing it. Rather than comment on what their children are doing right, they comment on what they’ve done wrong. Rather than teach their children, they are always correcting their children. “If parents employ the chisel with regularity, they will weaken whatever confidence remains in their children. In contrast, parents who build up and offer positive comments will help create a strong foundation of love on which resilience will be constructed,” they write. 3) Let them help you. Children are empowered when an adult sincerely asks for their assistance and advice. Consider the experience of Mac Bledsoe, author of “Parenting With Dignity.” Mac tells about his very first computer purchase that came in six or seven boxes. He found the process of setting up a computer system daunting. Mac said, “Then I thought for a minute and asked myself, who in this family knows how to set up a computer? The answer was simple: the boys.” So he asked them to set it up. A short time later they called him to come into the home study. “They not only had our new computer set up, they had all the manuals organized on the bookshelf and all the boxes stacked up neatly along the wall. Then I watched in amazement as they began to teach me all the things they could do on our new computer,” said Mac. 4) Listen to your children. Many parents complain their children won’t talk to them. However, in too many cases the problem isn’t that the kids don’t want to talk. The problem is parents won’t take the time to carefully, respectfully listen. Kids quickly pick up signals from adults. All it takes are comments like these to shut them down, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” “Not now, I’m trying to finish this project.” When parents won’t listen, children shut down, feeling their stories and experiences aren’t important. When your son says, “Guess what, Mom …” turn off the TV and just listen. When your daughter says “Guess what Dad” put down the newspaper and pay attention.

5) Respond to what you hear with empathy. As your children share their experiences, let them know you understand and appreciate their feelings. Respond with kindness, compassion and empathy. In his book, “Family First,” Dr. Phil McGraw says: “True empathy goes far beyond saying ‘I understand’ or ‘I know just how you feel.’ To really have and communicate empathy, you must connect with your child’s point of view and effectively explain to him/her what you believe she is feeling.” Dr. Phil recommends using these types of sentences to demonstrate both caring and empathy: You must be feeling really sad (scared, happy, excited, left out, worried etc.) That must really have hurt your feelings and upset you. You must have felt really alone. You must be so excited, you can hardly sit still. You must be really scared about what’s going to happen. 6) Support, promote and nurture children’s dreams. Children need important adults in their lives who will support, promote and nurture the dreams they develop for themselves. When this takes place, children will believe in themselves and then take steps to fulfill their goals. 7) Talk the talk and walk the walk. This proverb reminds parents to be positive role models for children. Our beliefs should always be matched by our behaviors. Whether adults recognize it or not, children are watching. Who we are and what we do shouts louder than anything we can say. VICTOR M. PARACHIN is a freelance writer from Oklahoma.

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that understanding. She was acting and talking in the same hey say if you want to see what you really look like and manner and in the same tone I had taken with her just a few sound like you should videotape yourself and watch days ago. She had not been listening to me very well that day it. I believe that couldn’t be truer especially when the and when I had told her no she could not have the cookies she “video” comes in the form of my three-year-old daughter…. was asking for, “Stop yelling! she started with I said No! You a tantrum and are to stay in your started shouting, room until I say “Yes, yes, yes!” otherwise, I am I told her the getting mad!” answer was no, shouted my and if she didn’t daughter as she settle down she stomped down the was going to have stairs and through to go to her room. the dining room At that point she into the kitchen. started yelling Shocked was and screaming my first reaction even more. I to this scene. am not proud In a calm voice to say it, but I I asked her, lost my patience “What’s the and I started matter?” to yell back at Her response her. I carried was simply, her kicking and “Bunny,” (her How often have you found your child imitating your own less-than-adult behavior? screaming all the stuffed animal) way upstairs to “isn’t listening and her bedroom and told her in a rather loud tone I was upset and won’t stop yelling,” at which point she turned, stomped back she was to stay in her room. I wanted her to know she was not up the stairs to her bedroom and started shouting at bunny to speak to me in that manner and I would not tolerate it. again. Unfortunately, the message I conveyed to her that day was It didn’t take but a minute for me to figure out my daughter not what I intended. Upon hearing and watching my daughter was imitating ME. My dismay quickly turned to horror at re-enact the scenario, I immediately realized I needed to change. This was not how I wanted my daughter to behave but she was just doing what I showed her. No, I needed to explain 625 W. Market St. • Harrisonburg, VA 22801 to her I had been wrong in my behavior. I needed to start t practicing the behavior I wanted her to display, and I needed h (540) 433-9207 Foresig Abbey to set a better example. I did some research online and found a n I Carpet CUSTOM FLOOR COVERINGS g in r few ideas I could try when I feel I may be losing my patience o Flo CERAMIC & HARDWOOD FLOORS or notice a tantrum/yelling match afoot. WINDOW TREATMENTS • SIKKENS WOOD FINISHES One technique I have found useful is to stop and just wrap MURALO AND PRATT & LAMBERT PAINTS her up in a big hug until the tenseness dissipates, and then

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quietly discuss the problem: what I want why, and what I expect from her. Some other techniques I read about were to do something to make her laugh to help diffuse the stress, ignore the tantrum if she is using it to vie for attention, keep repeating yourself so as to eventually bore the tantrum out of

At that point she started yelling and screaming even more. I am not proud to say it, but I lost my patience and I started to yell back at her.

feelings are just as important as mine. If she is getting upset about something we need to talk it out so we can have an understanding of one another and of what is expected. Every day is a new challenge, not only to improve myself, but also to make the right choices and actions to guide my daughter as she grows. I am thankful for every day I have with my children. They are a wonderful gift. JESSICA DENVER is a freelance writer from Pennsylvania.

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her, distract her by calling her attention to something else or by playing a simple game. One thing I always try to do is talk about the circumstances surrounding my loss of patience or her tantrum. Her

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The cat from heaven

by JILL DAVIS

28 living • Spring 2015

©THINKSTOCK

grew up in a household drink the milk and be on its where dogs won hands way. down as the pet of choice. But the cat hung around. My sister’s allergies sealed My parents, unwilling to the deal but after seeing far squelch a budding belief in too many Disney movies, I God, agreed to let the cat longed for the companionship stay as long as he remained of my very own cat. Every outdoors. He became my night I prayed earnestly constant companion. I named for God to send a feline him Kitzel for no good scratching at the back door. reason and called him with a My cousins usually paid rebel yell if he strayed from our family a visit during the my sight for long. On those summer. The year I turned 8, occasions, Mother shushed my sister, the two boys and me, claiming, “Your yells are I played a rousing game of a nuisance to the neighbors.” basketball. The guys were But the yells were more a on a winning streak when nuisance to her. She couldn’t someone knocked the ball stand anything to do with that clear down into the nearby cat. woods. Actually, the neighbors “You’re youngest!” my watched out their windows sister pointed at me. “You’re in amusement as I paraded it! Go get the ball!” The boys through the neighborhood snickered, but obviously had with my animals. When I no desire to get in the middle rode my horse, my toy collie of a tiff. followed close behind. Kitzel “I’ll be 9 on my birthday. followed a few steps behind Why do I always have to go?” Pets help children learn about unconditional love as well as giving and the dog, bringing up the rear. receiving. I argued. The cat shadowed me. His “Because we won’t let you seemed far from independent. play if you don’t. So there.” He needed me like I needed him. I stormed off in the direction where the ball had taken a Like Mother, my sister, Julie, didn’t share my love for big bounce. The weeds stood higher than my neck. Locating Kitzel. Since we lived in a wooded area, Kitzel caught all the ball’s final resting place proved difficult since huge oak kinds of critters. He usually sought them out as playmates branches obscured the area from the rays of the sun. All of a instead of meals, but Julie always intruded on his fun by sudden, I heard movement close to me. Looking up, I spotted grabbing him by his tail, swinging him high above her head. what appeared to be a huge mountain lion! And it was poised Forced to release his captives, Kitzel watched them scurry off to pounce right on top of me! to safety. My screams, which probably were heard for miles, brought One time I tried to intervene. “What do you think you’re my sister and cousins running to my rescue. The mountain lion doing?” turned out to be an orange tabby cat not more than two months “These poor, defenseless creatures don’t have a chance old. With some coaxing from my older cousin, the kitten against this hairy beast. I hate your old cat.” She brushed carefully picked his way down from the tree. Thus, my first the hair from her hands as a chipmunk disappeared into the experience with answered prayer. underbrush. Despite Mother’s protests, I poured a saucer of milk to “That’s just his nature,” I defended Kitzel. one hungry kitty. She watched me hang over the cat while he “Well, I don’t care for his nature, and I’ll swing him by the lapped up his meal. She hated cats with a passion. As I petted tail whenever I get the opportunity. He’s not going to hurt and cooed at him, she sighed wistfully. When my parents anything or anybody while I’m around.” With that, she stalked adopted me as a two-year-old, I was not the affectionate child off. When she was in the vicinity, Kitzel lay low, but never my sister had been. Bonding with me wasn’t easy. Because relinquished his hunting instinct entirely. I often withheld my love, my mother subconsciously did the Pet chores usually fall into the unwilling hands of mothers. same. She disappeared into the house, hoping the cat would If Kitzel needed a vet, Mother had the dubious job of driving

him to the vet’s office. The cat yowled the whole way and scratched and bit his way in and out of the car. Mother played Florence Nightingale, despite her dislike for felines. She did the dirty work for me because she knew how I loved him, and she wanted to see me happy. My sister’s allergies improved, so Mother relaxed house rules and allowed my companion to sleep with me. Because I suffered from restless legs, Kitzel mistook them for prey in the dead of night and pounced on them. I never slept much while he shared my bed, but I didn’t mind. Having him next to me provided timeless memories.

Bonding with me wasn’t easy. Because I often withheld my love, my mother subconsciously did the same. After high school graduation, I moved to Texas. I reluctantly agreed with my parents that Kitzel was too old and set in his ways to change his locale. Mother wrote to tell me my father found a friend in Kitzel as he did his yard work. Kitzel remained a social animal and stuck close to home. Though I didn’t love Kitzel any less, leaving him behind opened my heart to other cats. I rarely went home for visits, so the attachment to my childhood chum waned. His picture gathered dust on my dresser. When Mother told me Kitzel died, she accepted full responsibility for his death. She ran over him with the car.

Begging my forgiveness, she hoped I would still come home on holidays, despite the fact Kitzel was gone. As children, our love for pets sometimes appears to eclipse the feelings we have toward family. Fiercely loyal to Kitzel, I used him as a confidant rather than my parents. Apparently, Mother keenly felt left out. While Kitzel endures as one of my fondest childhood memories, that first answer to prayer could never have been realized had Mother not let him continue hanging around our house. Putting aside her intense dislike for cats, Mother showed me God has a great, big heart. Parents often give us our first glimpse into the heart of God. JILL DAVIS is a freelance writer from Florida.

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Can you see the love? While carefully supervising the behavior of an older sibling with an infant, sometimes parents learn there’s more love going on than first meets the eye.

Brother: monstrous best friend? “H by DORIT SASSON

e’s going to be a great big brother to her.” “He’s going to be so happy to have a sister in his life.” “He’s going to love her so much.” “It’s so cool she’s going to have a big brother to protect her.” This last one in particular really stuck with me. As the big brother, my son would have a chance to show his newborn sister exactly what he was made of – responsibility, muscles and all. He could definitely handle big brother responsibilities, especially since he was an only child for almost nine years – now almost a tween. Being emotionally and socially mature was a definite asset. He could be counted on for helping around the house despite the occasional grimace and “Do I have to?” When my daughter was born in August 2013, I kept faith my 9-year-old would not be just a “mother’s helper.” I was counting on him to also live up to being a good mentor. But the minute she could talk, suddenly he became one wild thing. At first, his idea of helping was to pounce on her. “You’re not going anywhere! I attack my prey!” he cried and grabbed her from behind. She squealed. He took her pacifier and just for the heck of it, threw it a few feet away. As she started reaching for it, he put his foot as a stumbling block in her way, to deter her. With great effort and determination, she would try reaching for the pacifier only to find her big brother stood in her way each time. Although it was entertaining to watch, I feared for her. She was still so very tiny, helpless and defenseless. He would grab her four-month-old arms and legs as if they were attacking each other. “Bing, Brrr, Bang!” he cried. Then he aimed them up and down and toward her face. “Bang, clang, pow, cling, clang, smack!” 30 living • Spring 2015

“There are certain things a baby must need to know,” he cried still holding her two tiny arms. “First, smack your opponent. Pow!” She started whimpering and tried raising her head. “Second, you have to shoot with a cannon. Like this – pow!” and he aimed her arms upwards. Fist. Don’t mess with the fist.” More whimpering. “Finally you need to have a sword and a horse. Cling – ching-ching! You always have to have a shield to protect yourself if you don’t want to get destroyed.” He was now so close to her face, she started to cry. Why was he being so aggressive? Where was this all coming from? My son’s not known to play video games online. “Stop!” I cried. “You’re hurting her!” “Hurting her? How am I hurting her?” He exclaimed.

I took a closer look. In the video, she wasn’t laughing or giggling but instead, she was looking at him with a deep penetrating gaze. I wanted to protect her from this unanticipated sort of aggressive behavior. While he threw the pacifier at her, I had a talk with him. “She’s delicate! Be easy on her!” I tried to keep the mama bear in me at bay. I told him when she’d start walking he would need to control his physical movements even more. “She’ll still be delicate,” I announced. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. My son was no longer the squishy 5-year-old I once cuddled and squeezed. At almost 10 years old, he was already developing some serious “basketball muscles” from hours of practicing and dribbling in the park. He now had a bigger jaw and face and his feet were almost as big as mine. Clearly, he was trying to claim his space.

Months later when she could already walk, my son would push her 1-year-old body as she grabbed his red hair on the bus. “She just wants to get close to you,” I said as we wedged into a two-seater with her and the stroller stuck in the middle. “Close to a one year old? Her?” “C’mon, she’s not just anybody. She’s your sister!” “Yeah, and I don’t want to be next to her!” Ultimately though, he gave in and started hugging her. Literature all across the board says older siblings or “mentors” can be entrusted with responsible tasks. While I knew a certain amount of aggressive behavior is to be expected, I wasn’t really sure what was “acceptable” and what was just too rough. But in my son’s case, I was hoping to read more about how to inspire my son to be a mature sibling and work with his “high spirited” temperament without reprimanding or scolding him about his aggressive “fun” at her expense. In fact, I wondered if I would ever find such a resource or would I have to be that resource. When the aggressive play became too much, I remembered what a Facebook friend had said to a video I posted months before of my son playing with her legs and arms as if they were guns. “She is happy and enjoying the touch. They are bonding,” wrote my friend. Bonding. Were they? Was she? What was this aggressive play all about? I took a closer look. In the video, she wasn’t laughing or giggling but instead, she was looking at him with a deep penetrating gaze. I began to understand. He was happy. She made him happy. There was a voice in me that deeply wanted to trust they were experiencing love play and not hard play. They loved each other – each in his/her own way. Part of me already fell in love with their already developing love bond. Trust had been activated.

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This is exactly what parenting and guidebooks don’t teach. As siblings grow up, our expectation as parents differs each time when children interact. Each stage of development brings out the tough playful love. I expected my son would be her mentor, but I never thought he’d be her monstrous best friend. DORIT SASSON is a freelance writer, has written for the Huffington Post, and is a radio show host of “Giving Voice to Your Story” at Blog Talk Radio.

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Escapades at the international potluck by SHEILA J PETRE

hey arrived late to a special international potluck in Washington, D.C. They had left in good time, she thought, but they had run into a bottleneck at the end of Cabin John Parkway. And then they had searched nearly an hour for the American Councils building where the potluck would be held. Here they were. She looked around at her family. One child carried the bread, one carried the bucket holding butter and jam and one carried a triumphant casserole dish of dolma, meatballs of mutton and rice packaged in grape leaves. It was the product of five hours of labor, prepared for the international potluck, and it nestled beautifully in the dish, topped by three slices of lemon. The assortment of food at the potluck was delightful. Sliced turkey decorated by cranberries dominated the counter. A glass dish of sweet potato pudding, crusted with brown sugar and nuts stood near. A slow cooker held a bone-laden offering of adobo from the Philippines. She peered into the delightful and new dishes. A bowl of parsley and rice looked like an offering from Thailand. Kluay buad chee?

He looked at her and in the glow of the dash lights, she saw the disbelief on his face. He had married this woman, had he? She moved to the end of the counter. Georgian cheese bread jostled for a place with German Apple Strudel. The previous diners had sampled everything indiscriminately. And then she came to it. Blini from Ukraine. It was a low round heap on a plate, with slumping shoulders and a soft, pale brown center. Beside it was dish of raspberry yogurt topping. Evidently you ate the yogurt with this dessert. Whatever blini was. It looked like a cake, except not so high. And in the countertop full of absent slices and halfempty pots, it alone appeared untouched. No one had so much as cut a slice from it. Well, she would. What a shame for a person to go to all the work of constructing this dish of blini and then have no one to eat it. A plastic knife lay near the plate and she picked it up. She might not be able to cut straight, balancing a plastic plate in her hand, but she would do what she could. She hated to see a plate un-tasted at an international potluck. 32 living • Spring 2015

How to explore new foods and cross cultural relationships? Sometimes carefully, and with a good sense of humor. ©THINKSTOCK

As she sliced down through the shallow round, she noticed it was in layers, like a cake, except far thinner and far more. Fascinating. It didn’t seem to hold anything between the layers, though. Interesting. She lifted her triangular piece to her plate, satisfied. She reached for a dab of raspberry yogurt. Hmmm … Someone had already been dishing from it. They must have used it on another dish. She herded her daughters to the table and sat down to enjoy her international meal. The turkey was good and the kluay buad chee. The dolma was cold. She was sorry. It had been so tasty at home. The children were picking at their food, skirting anything green and tasting anything chocolate. She ate her adobo, feeling brave. She talked to the woman on her left, who had a strong accent and was accompanied by two small girls. She decided to tackle the blini. She brought her fork down through the layers, stabbed a stack of them, smeared them with yogurt and brought it to her mouth. Intriguing. It tasted like pancake. She thought she was a smart woman, but even then she did not guess it. No, she ate the whole stack of triangle layers, and she even suggested to her husband that the children might enjoy the dish from Ukraine that tasted like pancake, but she did not guess what she had done. As the evening wore on, she learned more about the exchange student programs of which her host daughter was part; she visited with a local community coordinator. She talked about the food she was eating and listened to the recommendations for various dishes. They were all good. She

noticed on some of the other plates were crepes, thin pancakes, rolled into tubes, or heaped, a supple spiral, by piles of yogurt. Where had they come from? And no, she still didn’t guess. Half an hour later, as she was brushing back through the hall on the way to change her baby’s diaper, she glanced at the dish from Ukraine to see if anyone else had gotten a slice since she had—and paused. There on the plate was a lone crepe, a thin pancake-like layer—with a triangular notch in it. Oh. No. Oh, no! What had she done? It hadn’t been cake at all, or meant to be cut into wedges. It had been a stack of pancakes—and she had mutilated them all. Well, of all things. It was too late now. She kept going. She had to check on the children and she wanted to talk to the interesting lady in blue… The evening ended in a rush to return to the parking garage before the time expired. They gathered the bread and the empty casserole dish which had held the dolma, and which now held only two slices of the decorative three slices of lemon. In the minivan on the way home, she and her husband discussed the evening. The people had been friendly and interesting, they agreed. Maybe folks who host international exchange students are more comfortable relating to other cultures. She enjoyed a moment or two of satisfied reflection. They, too, were part of this group of out-of-the-box people. They discussed the food: it had all been good. And then he came to it. “Did you see those pancake things, like crepes?” he asked. She stopped breathing, briefly. “Yes … ?” “Someone had just hacked a hunk out of the whole stack,” he said. “That was me,” she said, and she lifted her hands to her face to hide her cheeks in the darkness. “I did it. I didn’t understand—I thought—” He looked at her and in the glow of the dash lights, she saw the disbelief on his face. He had married this woman, had he? “You just ruined the whole pile,” he said, merciless in his incredulity.

“I know, it was dumb, I didn’t realize what it was—” He didn’t say anything else as they drove toward home, and the children chattered in the back seat and the baby slept. She didn’t say anything either. But the moment passed, and soon they were talking again, discussing plans for the coming weeks. He never mentioned it again. She did not forget, however. She remembered it again the next morning. The incident had been, in its way, amusing. Her thoughts bottlenecked at the images: the hunk of thin layers on her fork, the lone crepe left on the plate with its wedge-shaped abruption. It must have disturbed every person who had eaten the dish. It disturbed her now. She wondered how many other times she had slaughtered someone’s cultural offering with the plastic table knife of ignorance wielded in a rush of good intentions. Oh yes, the story had some good parallels; it would have been such fun to write about--if only she hadn’t done it. If only she could write about it now. And then—she thought of it. She could write it in third person. She would. She would chortle with the readers at the blunders of the ignoramus at the international potluck. Because it really did make a great story. And no one would guess who had done it. SHEILA J PETRE is a freelance writer from Pennsylvania.

Those interested in hosting international students can check out many organizations including afsusa.org or efexchangeyear.org.

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 

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mcmullenfh@comcast.net Spring 2015 • living 33

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Famous buildings & structures by JEANETTE BAER SHOWALTER Whether it’s the colorful onion domes of St. A Basil’s or the stately majesty of the FAMOUS BUILDINGS ND SCathedral TRUCTURES Taj Mahal, we have long beenby fascinated by masterpieces of architectural design. Even the Jeanette Baer Showalter ancients, with their pyramids, such as Teotihuacan in Mesoamerica, enjoyed elaborate structures. The world’s tallest building, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai at over 2700 feet, dwarfs the Alamo in San Antonio, with its rich cultural history. Height, beauty, historical significance, and intrigue are just some of the factors that make us want to explore these manmade marvels. You can discover these structures in the puzzle below forward, backward, vertically, horizontally, or diagonally.

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ALAMO ALHAMBRA BIG BEN BURJ KHALIFA CARAL CN TOWER COLOSSEUM EIFFEL TOWER FORBIDDEN CITY KAABA KUMU LEANING TOWER OF PISA MACHU PICCHU NEUSCHWANSTEIN NOTRE-DAME PALACE OF VERSAILLES PETRA PETRONAS TOWERS SAGRADA FAMILIA SCHÖNBRUNN STATUE OF LIBERTY ST. BASIL’S CATHEDRAL ST. PETER’S BASILICA SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE TAJ MAHAL TEOTIHUACAN TE PAPA TOWER OF LONDON WESTMINSTER ABBEY WHITE HOUSE

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36 living • Spring 2015