How to Lose a Guy

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BY MASON SHAFFER

You’ve heard it all before: Ask for his Snapchat and not his number, don’t be the one to initiate, don’t be too clingy, don’t be too forward, don’t double snap, don’t follow his Instagram too soon, don’t ask him what you are, blah, blah, blah. Every rule in the dating book is slighted against women. We are told our whole lives how not to act to land a man, and yet no man is ever taught how to treat or pursue a woman. We’re led to believe from a young age that women are not the ones who hold the power in the dating scene: but what if we were to tell you that you really are?

It’s no secret that navigating dating and relationships is a difficult task — but combining that with modern hookup culture and college guys who aren’t “looking for anything serious” can make a girl feel like the problem for expecting the bare minimum from a man they’re interested in. Begging to be seen during daylight hours, making plans in advance or to simply be exclusive can feel like pulling teeth and is positively exhausting. Young women, now more than ever, are struggling to find something beyond a “u up?” text.

Despite this, celebrity matchmaker and co-founder of Matchmakers in the City, Alessandra Conti, whole-heartedly believes (and frequently tells her female clients) that it is the women who actually run the show where heteronormative romance is concerned.

“Believe it or not, men take direction really well,” Conti explains. “Set a boundary or an expectation early on — ‘Of course you’ll take me on a date,’ ‘I’m looking for a boyfriend,’ or ‘I love when a man plans a date,’ will let them know what you want them to do — and they usually do it.”

Elaborating further, “There are a lot of bad guys out there who will do what he can to make sure you don’t know your own strength. A narcissist will mindgame you into thinking you don’t hold any power because they know you hold all of it.”

So begs the age-old question: Do you lose a guy by being clingy or by pursuing one with bad intentions? “If you can set your boundaries before you get looped in, you’ll be able to objectively spot it — if he doesn’t meet them, it just makes it that much easier to weed him out and move on.”

It can feel sometimes as if women are doing a lot of weeding out and moving on these days. Now more than ever, it feels like dating is an even bloodier battleground than ever before — and that’s saying something. Dating apps, the recent appropriation of emotional unavailability, the normalization of hookup culture (or at least the recent burgeoning prominence of it) the taboo around defining a relationship and fear of missing out, among other things, has made dating feel like a vicious, endless cycle of swiping right with no real connection.

“Hookup culture has always been there — it’s just more prominent now,” Conti says.

It’s been argued that hookup culture was initially marketed to women as a way to empower themselves by claiming their sexuality. There’s recently been a surge in discourse arguing that this is actually far from the case and that this norm was put in place to further hurt women. Conti agreeswith the latter: her explanation? Men and women have completely different chemical responses to sex, which makes it biologically more different for women to detach from a man after her judgment has been clouded by oxytocin — meaning even if you don’t want to, you can have almost 100% certainty that you’ll catch feelings for that guy you’ve been hooking up with.

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“Women learn very quickly that it’s not as empowering as it’s made to be and men don’t understand the feminine experience.”

Has dating always been this bad? Have women always struggled with men this way? Aside from the obvious changes surrounding technology and the taboo of casual sex, what else has changed with our generation?

Conti has noticed one major difference in the dating culture between her Millennial and Gen Z clients, which she calls “night and day.”

“Men’s and women’s wants and needs haven’t really changed — what society has said and narratives [about dating] has changed exponentially.”

Why this sudden switch with Gen Z? Conti has some insight.

“Gen Z is focused on gender equality, which is an incredible thing,” she starts, “but so many young women are now having trouble romantically because they want to hold onto those ideals but aren’t sure how that can apply to a date: Does he have to pick up the check? Do you? Will he think you owe him something if he pays the bill?”

That said, a lot of young men are struggling to navigate courting a generation of empowered women — they want to uphold those ideals but are afraid to overstep.

Conti went on to explain that men are like houses: “If a man doesn’t have a job, doesn’t like the job he has, or is floundering in his career at all in any way, he will never be able to form a committed relationship because he’s unstable.”

Conti went on to explain that for most men, their career is like their foundation, or the part of their life that grants them stability.

“If they don’t have a stable foundation, they can’t build a first floor.”

So if the guy you’ve been planning to bring to your sorority date function is struggling to find a job post-grad or has changed his major a handful of times, he’s likely not interested in (or capable of) much beyond your formal pictures. If they’re insecure in their field, they won’t be stable enough to truly be a good partner.

“Some men never really leave that frat boy phase,” she explained. “For most of them it’s a brief stint throughout college; for some of them, not so much.”

The notion that there’s even a glimmer of hope that Chad from Sigma Apple Pie might eventually have a change of heart should be enough to keep the ladies going — but what should we do in the meantime? Conti relayed some advice she shares with her female clients:

“Men who are great at dating are usually not great at relationships.” Compliment the guy and build them up, but remind him of your boundaries. “Don’t be super negative — assume the best, set an expectation for them to be a gentleman and then affirm it.” First dates aren’t a good tell of a person — go out on a few more before laying your eggs in one basket. “Normalize telling a guy what you want and allowing him to meet that blueprint.” Let him lead.

And, finally: “Feel empowered to ask for what you want — guys will go for it.”