Stick with the funny bears

BY JAN A. IGOE

SO THERE I WAS, hunting down a topic for this month’s column, when I ran into some vital advice for campers on bear etiquette from the National Park Service. But my advice is better: To avoid being mauled, stay home.

The animal kingdom is not happy with us. In recent news, a Florida man walked out his front door and was bitten by the alligator squatting on his porch. In Idaho, a moose charged a snowmobile but tripped over it as the driver escaped. In New Zealand, a wild boar attacked a man at a barbecue, where he may have been serving one of its friends. In Thailand, an elephant knocked over an innocent truck and wouldn’t apologize. Animals are striking back everywhere.

But let’s get right to bears, since Carolinians don’t have too many moose or elephant encounters. If you meet a bear, it’s important to know what kind of bear you’re dealing with: brown or black. With a brown bear, you lie facedown with your legs spread like the police are about to handcuff you. That makes it harder for the bear to flip you over. With a black bear, you run for your life. Hiking in bear country is not for the colorblind.

In March, the agency offered another important tip via Twitter: “If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down, even if you feel the friendship has run its course.” This might be important if you’re hiking with your ex.

As you probably know, the most dangerous bear was Pablo Eskobear, featured in the movie Cocaine Bear, which I saw while researching this column. The movie is based on an event that occurred almost 40 years ago, when a drug smuggler’s plane crashed and a curious bear ingested 70 pounds of its contraband. Then the bear goes on a rampage, attacking everyone in its path, leaving a trail of bloody, dismembered bodies behind. The movie was so bizarre, it makes Sharknado seem like a documentary. But it’s not for the squeamish. The two friends I dragged with me both had to leave early. They couldn’t watch the carnage (and one is a combat vet).

We don’t have to worry much about drug-crazed bears. In fact, most bears want to avoid us. If you should run into one, you need to convince it that you are human. So grab your laptop and check the CAPTCHA “I’m not a robot” box. Show it to the bear. If you left your computer at home, make noise, wave your arms, and inform the bear that you are not a threat. Do not ask to take a selfie with it.

Some bears have a great sense of humor, so they might tease you with a bluff charge. Since they can hit 30 mph on the run, humans don’t find that as funny as the bear does. “The charging bear will come at you like a freight train,” the nps.gov website warns.

If angry bears don’t scare you, there’s a job opening with the New Mexico Department of Game and Fish that you might want to check out. They’re looking for professional bear huggers who are ready to enter a bear den at any moment. The department promises successful applicants the “experience of a lifetime,” although it might be a rather short lifetime.

Meanwhile, keep your bear spray handy and do not hike with your ex. To avoid freight trains, stick with the bears that are telling jokes.

JAN A. IGOE is a self-proclaimed wildlife expert, but you may want to read advice from people who crawl into bear dens for a living. Join us at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop