Confessions

Michelle Hoppen

When my boyfriend of three and a half years told me he was transgender I freaked out. As much as I like to give the impression that I’m totally open and free, an equal opportunity dater, I still freaked out. There was crying, there were hurtful words (“I always wanted a normal wedding!” is one that I’m not very proud of, and also something that isn’t very true. Chalk it up to sociallyimposed freak-out), there were long talks. And in the end I accepted it and even embraced it. I encouraged my new girlfriend to set up doctor’s appointments, went with her to Fan Free Clinic, helped her put on makeup. That brings me to one issue I had (and still have) regarding switching genders. I am a girl. And while I do wear makeup, I don’t feel women should have to. Nor should they have to shave their legs, or wear skirts, or have long hair. Yet when my boyfriend became my girlfriend she became a typical girly-girl. Was that what she had always wanted, or was that just what society told her girls did? What makes gender anyway, if we’re assuming it’s socially constructed? If you feel like a girl in your head, if you already are a girl, why do you need to wear different clothes, or change your body? A woman who gets a double mastectomy is still a woman, even without breasts. So why do you need breasts to transition from man to woman? Comfort level would probably be the obvious answer. But it must be more deeply ingrained than what most of us call “comfort”- a fleece blanket, that old pair of jeans. If you’re willing to put your life on the line, risk friends and family, and pay thousands of dollars it’s more than “comfort.” When people ask what being transgender is all about my answer is, “Imagine this morning you woke up with the same mind, but the body of the opposite gender.” Of course we can’t imagine that. Nor can we imagine what it’s like to live with that for our entire life. What you may be able to imagine is this: what if tomorrow you woke up and your partner had the same mind, but the opposite gender body? How would you feel? What would you do? It’s an issue that seems

to get left behind when talking about transgender topics. There aren’t many groups for partners of transpeople. When it happened to me, after the initial freakout, I felt left behind. My girlfriend was meeting new people who shared something with her that I could never understand. I was also worried- what if she turned out to like men? And when that fear was realized I felt angry- why didn’t she tell me sooner? Was she using me all this time? Now, two years or so after she told me her secret I’m dating someone new, someone who’s also transgender. He hasn’t decided if he’s going to transition or not, but I think he will, one day. He’s female, no doubt about it, and I know that he’d be much more comfortable with himself if he had a vagina (although I’m sure he’d use the word “cunt”). I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. I worry I wouldn’t find his girl self as attractive. I worry the hormones would make him more attracted to men (although I’ve been told that will never happen). I worry the hormones will change his thinking so much I won’t recognize him. And I know that regardless of that I will stay with him, sex change or not, because I love him. I like to think I’m above the gender binary, but I still have a lot to learn. In my defense, it’s tough for partners too. That doesn’t allow for prejudice, but it is something to be realized.