CT hOrOsCOPes for February | Guaranteed 100% accurate

april 20 – May 20

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Your well-intentioned but poorly-thought-out comment on your African-American friend’s hair texture this month leads to the road to hell’s long-awaited completion.

Feb. 19 – March 20

When called out for blatantly lying through your teeth at work this month, assure them that you really do know anything at all about the topic you teach and really will get back to that.

March 21 – april 19

It turns out you really are a psychopath, but your mother’s heartbreak and mental collapse at hearing this news don’t bother you all that much, fortunately.

The recurring nightmare makes a comeback this month: You’re sitting in a crowded lecture hall taking an exam when you realize, to your horror, you’re completely unlovable.

May 21 – June 20

Your beloved Nibbles is attacked and devoured by the family cat this month. But cheer up: Grandma Nibbles lived a good life.

June 21 – July 22 Saturn ascendant in the constellation Cancer invites you to portend your own damn future this month.

July 23 – aug. 22 aug. 23 – Sept. 22

One day you’ll look back on all this and laughand then weep, later, in private.

The cosmos understands you have a troubled past, but it would like to point out how it exploded once, as in it blew up. You don’t see the cosmos whining and crying and putting on some huge production.

Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

You’ll spend most evenings crying yourself to sleep this month, much to the resentment of insomniacs across the nation.

Oct. 23 – nOv. 21 nOv. 22 – Dec. 21

Remember: If a Supreme Being or other higher power had meant for you to accept people different from yourself, it would have given you the mental capacity to do so.

Continue to woo the love of your life’s affections by promising them a permanent moon base by the end of your second term.

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Fears of dying alone will prove unfounded this month when 23 ravenous piranhas keep you company for those last agonizing minutes.