CT HOROSCOPES for March | guaranteed 100% accurate

TAURUS

AQUARIUS

The meaning of the saying “as serious as a heart attack” is lost on you, as all the heart attacks you’ve witnessed have been hilarious.

PISCES

Mercury’s prominent position in your bloodstream portends permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.

ARIES

The only real way to weep in public is to do so in a public restroom stall while a complete stranger, not three feet to your right or left, is defecating.

Panic sets in next Tuesday at 6:09 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.

GEMINI

Two nurses and a cardiac surgeon are soon to stage a comedy of errors over your open, aenesthetized chest.

CANCER

The only way anyone can get any sort of truth out of you anymore is by talking to your hips.

LEO

Fame and fortune are yours this month in an alternate dimension where enormous pussy willows are rich and famous.

VIRGO

Cliches aside, there’s something to be said for doing what you love. This month, take up recreational complaining.

LIBRA

Your meticulous attention to detail will once again ruin an otherwise lighthearted and pleasurable pastime.

SCORPIO

The hard work you’ve been putting in throughout the years prompts your most respected and admired professor to congratulate you on your development as both a student and a human being, going on to confide that they believe with every fiber of their being that big and beautiful things wait store for you. Ignore their dirty whore lies.

SAGITTARIUS

Monitoring empty destinies like yours was not among the reasons Sagittarius got into this business, frankly.

CAPRICORN

The reasons behind your almostnightly sex dreams featuring Bill O’Reilly continue to elude you: You already have so much sex with Bill O’Reilly while you’re awake.