Thomas Desanto / Island

Island

Thomas Desanto

26 agoraphobia [ag-er-uh-foh-bee-uh] noun: the irrational fear of crowded or public areas, often coupled with the fear of leaving one's house.

I stopped going out when I was seventeen. I’ve had panic attacks since I can remember, but they grew worse. Even as a child I became terrified easily. I’d fall to the dirty floor of the supermarket, kicking and screaming, and when I looked up at passing people, their eyes grew black and their skin wrinkled. This was before I could talk. Mother thought I was epileptic. She’d bring me orange juice and force it into my mouth. I still get that sour taste on my tongue every time she tugs at the locked doorknob. ***

I’m six years older now, living with my mother. She makes things easier for me. Sometimes she brings me food from inside the city. My favorite is Kentucky Fried Chicken. I like to mix their mashed potatoes and macaroni & cheese together in my favorite bowl, which is green. *** There is a church across the street from my house. Sometimes I sit by my window, slicing at a block of cheese with a sharp knife. The people inside jump around and dance. It seems like they’re happy just to believe in something. Every once and a while they fall down on the ground and their bodies start shaking. Their tongues roll back in their mouth and flick against their teeth as they drool.

*** My best friend died when I was twelve. I still see her sometimes when I close my eyes. She’s always smiling. I see her freckles and her white, white teeth. Danielle, flower child, I think you live in a forest now. Somewhere full of trees, dying and budding. I shut myself in the house for months after her funeral. Mother started homeschooling me at nights. I remember her lessons on Neptune and Jupiter. Jupiter, its giant red eye spinning and spinning, always. *** Today I stacked all of my books into a pyramid in the far corner of the basement. I had to make seven trips up and down the stairs. The light doesn’t really work down there. It flickers on every three seconds and then cuts out.

I brought a flashlight with me. The basement smelled like pickles. I found a toy from when I was younger. It was my old plastic tiger. I sat Indian style on the cement floor, shining my flashlight against his striped body. The light bent around his form and cast a life-sized shadow on the basement wall. *** I like to look out my blinds at people walking past on the street. I push one of the plastic slats up with my index finger, which is enough space for me to see out of. I like watching people move around so carelessly. They look so lost in their thoughts. I feel trapped in mine. I could never be like them. Sometimes they bump into each other and it makes my stomach feel so twisted and ill. ***

When I was seven years old, Father got drunk and drove his car into an oak tree. He used to drink whiskey every night. When he yelled at me, spit flew from his mouth and landed on my face. It always smelled sour. The night he died, he got in a fight with my mom and hit her with a frying pan, then stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him. He drove a Thunderbird. He loved that car. I remember the twisted metal wrapped around that giant piece of wood. I remember the sound of his alarm echoing over and over again the same droning tune. *** I remember kissing Danielle two weeks before she died. I had never kissed a girl before. She was teaching me how. It was a Tuesday. We were in her basement. She had already kissed a lot of boys. We met the next day at the playground near her house and we kissed again, this time with our tongues. Her tongue felt like a wet slug in my mouth and I liked that. I didn’t see her the day after that. She had piano lessons. On Friday, we met at the playground again. I tried to stick my hand up her skirt and she pushed it away. Her face turned red and she ran home. I didn’t speak to her before she died. *** The happiest day of my life was my third grade clarinet recital. It was in my elementary school’s gymnasium. There were twelve of us playing. Everyone’s parents showed up. Mother and Sister were there. We performed a polka song. Our teacher, Mr. Walker, played the accordion. I had a solo in the middle of the song. I felt everyone’s eyes on me but for once I did not make a mistake. I remember looking out into the crowd and Mother was smiling. *** I used to go to church on Sundays, but now I like to watch American football. My favorite team is the Washington Redskins. I like the color of their

jerseys. They are burgundy and gold. They ave an Indian’s head on their helmets. I like watching the Redskins play their rivals, the Dallas Cowboys. Sometimes I picture the two teams as cowboys and Indians, running over and over again into one another until they are bloody and bruised and stained with mud. My favorite player was Sean Taylor. He wore the number 21. He was shot in the leg by a burglar in his home. He bled to death on the floor, before his girlfriend got home and could take him to the hospital. He was only 24.

*** Sister left home when she was only 19. She ran away to Las Vegas with her boyfriend Matt and they got married. She sent me a picture of their wedding. The pastor was dressed like Elvis. His jumpsuit was white and it had silver sequins running down his ribs. They were all smiling. My uncle was an Elvis impersonator. I only met him once. He lived in Pennsylvania. He was Father’s brother. I remember going to his house one time when I was five. He had a jukebox in his garage. The floor was made of black and white tiles. His daughter, who I’d never seen before, was beautiful. *** Today Mother brought me home a cheeseburger from Burger King and a large chocolate milkshake. It is nice to have these things sometimes. Mother knows how to make me happy. She is a very kind person for dealing with me on a daily basis. ***

Back in pre-school, I only played with Sister during recess. She is two years older than me, so we were put in separate playgrounds, which were blocked off by a metal fence. We’d sit at the fence and talk to one another, instead of playing with the kids our age. Sister now lives in Montana. She lives with Matt. I think she must be pregnant. I haven’t seen her in six years. Sometimes she calls me or Mother on the telephone. I hear babies crying in the background. She sounds a little sad. It is hard to talk to her in this way.

*** I wonder how I will die. I know that I will not drive a Thunderbird into a large oak tree. I will not be shot like uncle John. I will not drown in the ocean like Danielle. I sometimes see myself rotting to death in this house. At a very old age. And I am okay with that, I think. I do not want to drown. I do not want to be shot. I am safe in this house. Far from the ocean and the giant oaks and the drug dealers that will kill you for thirty-five dollars.

*** I just fed my rabbit. Her name is Yann. She usually eats hay and seed but today I chopped up a carrot in the kitchen and let her eat it out of my hand. Sometimes she

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bites my fingers when I let her eat this way but it is okay because it doesn’t hurt that bad. She has soft, soft fur. It’s grey. I like pinching her ears between my fingers. It makes her tail twitch. She loves bananas, but we didn’t have any. *** I love the band Os Mutantes. They are Brazilian. Sister showed me them ten years ago when she was dating Caetano who grew up in Brazil and drove a Ford Mustang. They sing in Portuguese, which is a beautiful language. I listen to them when I feel lonely. It makes me think of Sister and I hope she is okay living in Montana with Matt and her little babies which may or may not exist but I would not know because she has never told me or Mother.

I tried drinking beer once. It was my first year in high school and I found a warm Samuel Adams in the garage. I didn’t know how to open it so I tried to twist it and it sliced my fingers. I found a pair of pliers in Father’s old toolbox and twisted the cap off that way. I put the pliers back exactly where they were, because when Father was alive he hated when his things were touched. I took a sip. It was hot and tasted like liquid bread. I don’t understand why people drink beer. It kind of burns and tastes awful. I don’t think I will ever drink beer again. Mother says that is a good thing and that I never should.

*** I tried smoking cigarettes too. Sister started smoking in high school. I asked her if I could try one. She took me out into the woods behind our house. She smoked Marlboro Reds. She gave me one and I put it in-between my lips and lit it on fire. Her lighter had an American flag on it. She told me I wasn’t smoking it the right way. She told me to let the smoke enter my lungs and I tried that but it just kept falling out of my mouth. The smoke rose in the air and twirled around in thin, twisting coils. I didn’t feel anything after the first cigarette so she let me light another. I got a headache. We went back inside of our house and I chewed a piece of peppermint gum to get the taste out of my mouth. I went to my room and slept so that I would feel better. *** Mother bought me a keyboard for Christmas last year. It is silver and the edges are scratched. I very much like to play it when I feel alone or when I get bored sitting around the house. One of the G keys is cracked in half. I can turn it into other instruments just by pressing a few buttons. I like playing it on the marimba setting. It sounds like a wooden block getting smacked by a spoon. Sometimes I will open the blinds and play it on the synthesizer setting when I wake up in the morning. It is a nice way to start my day: pouring myself a glass of milk and singing. ***

I peed in the bathroom earlier and looked down at my penis. It is such a weird part of my body. I don’t understand it. It is so ugly. I wonder if I will ever use it for anything other than peeing. Danielle told me once that she had touched a boy’s penis. I wonder if a girl will ever touch mine.

*** When I was seven years old I walked down to the lake near my house. I had two pieces of wheat bread in the back pocket of my jeans. I wanted to feed the geese. I sat down at a bench near the water and crossed my legs. A few of the geese flew over to me and I tore the bread up into little pieces. I threw it in their direction. They all screamed and flapped their wings. One of the geese was black and walked up by my feet. I tried to pet his head and he bit my hand with his sharp beak. My palm started bleeding and I ran back to my house.

*** The back left leg is the shortest leg of the blue chair. The green felt chair has a spring popping out of its seat. The leather chair is perfect. The sofa is stained with urine. The wooden chairs in the kitchen squeak. The toilets are cold porcelain. My favorite is the gold metal chair, with blue floral fabric hanging off of its back. ***

Today I found a red and tan Chinese finger trap that Father won at the nickel slots in Ocean City, Maryland. It was stored away in an old Cuban cigar box, which smelled like sweet tobacco. The finger trap was tight and cut the tip of my index finger. Sometimes I remember Father smiling, eating pizza and drinking a beer on a patio at some restaurant.

*** Sister wrote me a letter for my birthday the year after she ran away to Las Vegas. In it, she asked me how I was. She told me that she missed me and was planning on starting a farm in Montana where she would take care of goats and sheep and llamas. She told me that she and Matt got a little white dog with short thick fur that was knotted. That it always had crust in its eyes. That the dog’s name was Fly. *** My favorite kind of cheese is goat cheese. I like how it is wet and tastes sour. I usually spread it on purple grapes. I also like to pretend that I am in Greece, eating outdoors, and there are beautiful marble statues of Athena and Zeus surrounding me, stretching up higher than the trees.

*** The streetlights outside of my house are tall and their bulbs are made of thick glass. Their glow is yellow and thin like little halos. Sometimes when I squint my eyes it looks like there are two separate bulbs glowing bright and streaked in the lazy dark night.

Mother bought me a pet iguana after Father died. I named him Jasper. His skin was green and flaking. His tail was thick and spiked. He used to whip his fleshy tail against his wire cage. I remember the rattling beat that it made. I tried to play with him one time and he bit the web of my right hand in between my thumb and index finger. Mother once tried to give him a bath and he scratched her kneecap. I watched as his fingernails ripped at her flesh. Then I took his cage out into my backyard and watched as he ran crookedly into the woods behind my house. *** Earlier tonight, after Mother fell asleep, I found a voodoo doll that was hidden in the back of my closet. It looks like a cannibal made of felt. Danielle bought it for me when her family went to Tanzania. I took a fork that was sitting on my end table and poked it in the neck. Then the hands. Then the feet. I imagined it was Matt. Matt, who took Sister to Montana so they could have babies I would never meet. *** Mother brought me home a sandwich today from Quiet Storm. It was on 12 inches of sourdough bread. It had five slices of turkey, two slices of provolone cheese, alfalfa sprouts, and tomatoes on it. She made sure it didn’t have mayonnaise. I also had a can of Dr. Pepper. It was 150 calories. It had 40 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. The ingredients are as follows: Carbonated Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Caramel Color, Phosphoric Acid, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sodium Benzoate (Preservative), Caffeine. The drink was canned by independent bottlers under the authority of Dr. Pepper in Plano, Texas 75024.

*** There is a homeless man asleep in the doorway of the church across the street. He has three blankets on top of his body and two pillows resting under his feet and head. A lot of people walk past and don't look at him. I don't understand how people can ignore someone who is so hungry and cold.

*** Sister used to make hot chocolate for us in the winter time. She dropped peppermint Altoids into our mugs and we would sit and talk in her bedroom while Mother and Father fought in the kitchen. I remember Sister telling me one night that she loved Caetano. I watched the Altoid dissolve as she told me this. I don’t remember Sister ever telling me she loved Matt. I wonder why she ran away with him. I do not think she will ever come back to visit and I think this is my fault. *** Today I found an old polaroid of Danielle standing on top of a mountain in Utah. She gave it to me two months before she drowned. In it, she is smiling. She is wearing

sunglasses and her teeth are very white. Her hands are in the air and there are trees all around her and she looks so happy. This is how I like to remember her: smiling, on top of mountains. The buildings look so small beneath her. It looks like she is floating. I miss her more than anyone in my life.

*** One night when I was fourteen I found a thin blue pipe behind our microwave. It was made of glass and there was a little plastic bag of marijuana sitting next to it. I pinched some of the marijuana out of the bag and pushed it into the end of the pipe with my forefinger. I walked into my room and locked the door behind me. I turned off all of the lights and lit a candle. Mother was already asleep. I opened my window, then walked over to my dresser. I grabbed the white lighter that was in my sock drawer and lit the end of the pipe. The smoke hurt my lungs and I coughed. I sat the pipe down and I remember everything turning slowly strange. The walls began to breathe heavily. This is sometimes the feeling I still get when I try to go outside. The flame on the candle turned pure white and I sat for a while just watching the trails of smoke fold and bend. I grabbed a hunting knife off of my floor and held it over the pure white flame. The end of the knife turned black and I carved an ampersand into my ankle. My skin blistered. I hid the knife under my bed when I was done. Pieces of flesh hung on its blade. The handle was stained with blood. I said a prayer that night for the first time in years, then went to bed. For the next few weeks, I had to wear tall socks to hide the scars. The skin on my ankle is still raised.

*** My favorite animal is the goat. I like the horns that grow out of their head and the thin beard that dangles from their chin. I especially like white goats. They look like ghosts of animals. One time at a petting zoo, a white goat walked up to the wooden fence I stood at and stuck its head through the gap in the posts. It ate seed out of my hand. Its tongue was pink and felt like sandpaper and licked at my palm when there was no seed left.