Dear Mary Jane

DEAR MARY JANE An advice column from the Grande Dame of Marijuana

Dear Mary Jane:

Happy New Year! I love the beginning of the year and everything that it represents: righting previous wrongs, making plans for the future, and of course making my list of New Year’s resolutions. I find that by examining my regrets from last year, I can more adequately prepare for the new year. What is your process for making New Year’s resolutions? What kind of things do you regret from last year?

Regrets in Reno

Dear Regrets:

Before we go any further, let us establish a basic reality between the two of us. I regret exactly nothing that I have ever done. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying that everything I touch turns into gold. I have always been of the philosophy that when you have a choice to make, you make it and get on with it. Only time will tell if your decision was brilliant or boneheaded.

Having said that, there might have been a situation or two over the course of my life that maybe I wish I had turned out differently. There was the time, for example, that I volunteered to be a law-enforcement officer for a nudist colony. My biggest problem? Where to pin my badge. I probably should have thought that one out a little bit better. Then there was the time that I made a sizable investment in something that I thought would replace electricity: glow in the dark wallpaper. Why use lights if the walls glow? How did it turn out? Well, I’m guessing that you do not have any glow in the dark wallpaper in your house or apartment right now, do you.

Hey, you make the best decision you can based upon the information at your disposal. This is why I have always considered New Year’s resolutions to be kind of a sucker’s game. If there is something that you need to change about yourself, be it how much you weigh, how much weed you smoke, or how much meaningless conversation in which you engage with total strangers, there is no better time than the present to begin. No? Instead, I choose to focus on things that I know that I will accomplish next year. For example, I know that I will knock 20 points off of my bowling average. In a related matter, I know that I will no longer drink 12 beers before the first frame. Perhaps the two are related. Additionally, I know that I will not fly an airplane into a mountain side. I will not drown in a swamp and turn into alligator shit. I will stop making prank calls to strip clubs, posing as somebody from the department of health warning them about a recent outbreak of herpes simplex 27.

A recurring theme seen in this space is my almost pathological need to keep myself entertained. I hate being bored! A vow to keep myself entertained is likely the closest thing that I will come to making a New Year’s resolution, but is that really a resolution? Is it a resolution to keep breathing oxygen? Is it a resolution to continue to enjoy a solid hit off of my favorite bong? I hardly think so. So, I guess that my ultimate conclusion and the whole subject is this: New Year’s resolutions are for sissies. Change your life now and quit whining!

Happy New Year!

F L O W E R S A N D C H O C O L A T E

THIS YEAR…

G I F T C E R T I F I C A T E S

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