VERONICA GROW
STEP ONE Examine each artefact in this kit. What does
it make you think about? This will enlighten you about the tendencies of uptight white people. Is this you? STEP TWO Turn the card and look at the related
experimentation which is designed to help you develop more friendly interactive ways. STEP THREE Here you will discover the solution to your
issue. In the form of a social experiment you can take to help lead you along the path to slowly enjoying being a warmer, and more relaxed human, as you try on the ways of other cultures. Even though it may cause you discomfort, try to drop your resistance, as its only a small experiment! GENERAL Think of each artifact in the Kit as a prompt
to start you discussing, learning, wondering and playing. All experiments are open to exploration, so feel free to add, alter or ignore, as there are no rules, merely suggestions. Start with which ever one makes you feel excited. IF YOU COME TO SHARE AND ENJOY A SLICE OF THE FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION AND INCLUSIVENESS THAT IS VERY NORMAL FOR PEOPLE FROM MIGRANT CULTURES, AND UNDERSTAND ITS SOCIAL SIGNIFICANCE WHEN YOU START TO FEEL LESS UPTIGHT, WON’T THAT BE WONDERFUL!!?
ARE YOU STUCK UP?
THE UNDERPINNING REASONING BEHIND THIS KIT COMES FROM THE ANECDOTES COLLECTED FROM THE MANY MIGRANTS THAT I KNOW, THAT ALL SEEM TO HAVE A RECURRING THEME. THIS IS, THAT US ANGLOS ARE OFTEN PERCEIVED AS BEING UNFRIENDLY, UPTIGHT, AND DIFFICULT PEOPLE!
This kit and its content is copyright of Veronica Grow Š Veronica Grow 2011. All rights reserved. vgrowdesign@gmail.com veronicagrow.tumblr.com
(what’s in the kit)
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1. ROLE OF DISHONOUR 2. STRAND OF CONVERSATION 3. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS T SHIRT 4. WELCOME MAT
5. STATUS MEASURE 6. SOCIAL LUBRICANT 7. LIST OF EXCUSES 8. BOX OF SHAME 9. STRAIGHT FACE MASK
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ROLL OF DISHONOUR
The Graphic Designer Marian Bantjes denotes a whole chapter to the idea of honour in her book titled “I Wonder”. She believes that honour is something we give to a person, place or event, to denote it with a sense of respect and importance. The Sikhs also believe that it is important to serve others, and honour one another with acts of humility and
reverence. This does not mean that one has to forget one’s own personal agenda. The opposite of honouring is to dishonour. To dishonour your own body is to fill it with vast quantities of toxic substances such as alcohol and fast food. To dishonour another human being, is to thoughtlessly treat him/her without kindness, leaving them feeling unworthy.
For those ignorant of Honour THE LOOK IN THE MIRROR EXPERIMENT.
Take a full length mirror, and look in it. What do you see? What are you wearing? How do you stand? What sort of expression do you have? Linda Grant’s book, called “The Thoughtful Dresser” sees not caring about the way we look, as being “a sign of depression, madness or resignation to our imminent death.” That might sound quite drastic, but, making an effort in how you dress, no matter how small, is the first step in learning about honour, because you are honouring yourself, and others. When you honour yourself, you feel happy and generous. This gives you the energy to make a small difference by conducting small acts of kindess for others too.
STRAND OF CONVERSATION
I actually knew one inspiring Italian man named Bernadino who returned back to Italy in the 1960’s after coming to Australia. “Why did you return?” I asked. “Ah, because here in Australia, when you go somewhere, there’s no “Good morning, how are you? I felt very lonely and sad”
He had a point. The simple word “hello” is an opening, and it is also an encouragement to engage with others. It is not a proposal for marriage. It feels nice when someone cares enough to make you feel part of the group.
For the conversationally challenged THE SMALL TALK EXPERIMENT.
Take a trip on public transport and listen in on someone’s conversation. What are they talking about? Most probably, you will be surprised to discover that most conversations are actually quite banal. Take a paper and pencil. Write a list of things that you could use to talk to anyone about. It is said that the English like to discuss the weather, and if they have dogs, they find this a very easy subject to discuss. It is said that Italians like to talk about their aches and pains. What do you like to talk about? Current events? Your kids? Now, using your new-found knowledge that most conversations are quite banal can you see that yours won’t really be that boring? Plus, you now have your newly constructed list of conversation topics, so make it your objective to initiate and maintain a conversation for at least five minutes with one stranger, once per week, for six months. Once per month make a brief record of the improvements you are making in the art of conversation, you butterfly you!
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS T-SHIRT
People from other cultures do not mind their own business and ask one another questions that Anglos probably find demanding, and far too personal in nature. But these questions help create bonds of friendliness and respect and are a way of showing regard. Our silence is seen as cold, excluding and “stuck up”. After spending
some time making small talk while waiting for some take away food, my friend Sukhpal Singh asked his anglo companion where he “stays”. “Inquisitive aren’t you?” said the anglo man resentfully. “And where do live? he retorted sarcastically (a favourite angry white person tactic), “Who says stays anyway?“
Mind Your Own Business Remedy
THE CUP OF SUGAR EXPERIMENT
Once per fortnight make a point of knocking on your neighbour’s door to borrow a cup of sugar, a carrot, or anything that you could have conveniently forgotten to purchase at the supermarket. Do not do so empty- handed, but always give them something in return. Smile when you do this, and thank them nicely. Be friendly, and if they feel like chatting, spend some time doing so. Appear to be grateful. After the period of four months, take stock of your relationship. Has it improved? Well done!
WELCOME MAT
Sukhpal Singh and his mother visited their white neighbour “Mrs Bowler” on the occasion of her husband’s death. While they had never been bosom buddies with the Bowlers, they had enjoyed a healthy neighbourly relationship. They had often reciprocated kindness and generosity and shared the odd cup of tea. When they knocked on the door,
Mrs Bowler’s daughter answered, and told them that she was busy, and they needed to leave and to come back another day. The Singhs were offended. They wondered why they had been cut off at such an important time, when people need to come together and comfort one another and the sharing of grief helps people to heal.
For those with unused Welcome Mats
THE BE A SCARY PERSON EXPERIMENT.
If you dislike impromptu visitors, try to experiment with being one yourself. I know you don’t want to, but feel the fear, and do it anyway. After all, it is just an experiment. How does it feel? How did others make you feel? Well, if you were rejected, now you know how you have made others feel. If you were welcomed, that is your lesson.
STATUS MEASURE
My good italian friend, Gabriella Racioppi, asked me once: “No offence, but why are you anglos so competitive?“ I asked her what she meant as I had only ever viewed competition as being material in nature,
meaning bigger houses, and so on. She went on to explain: “Whenever I am with anglos, it almost seems as though there is a competition over who is the most funny, the most clever, and sometimes, it’s just too much!”
Status Measure Antidote SUPERMARKET TROLLEY INVENTORY EXPLORATION
Next time you go to the supermarket, while you are waiting in line at the checkout, quietly and surreptitiously make an inventory of the items in the preceding person’s trolley. What do you think it might say about them? Make up an interesting story about what that person might do with their items when they return home. Write it down. Do this exercise once per week for six weeks until you have six stories. Hopefully this has taught you that we can all be interesting in one way or another.
SOCIAL LUBRICANT
Upon coming to Australia in 2000 after attending a few work functions, Slava, a Moldovan friend, was shocked to discover how much alcohol Australians drink in social situations. “I don’t understand why they take wine, beer, and champagne, never with food!” he would say in his wonderful eastern european accent. He was also quick to
note the behavioural change in his workmates after they had taken a few drinks. Normally quiet and shy personalities became oddly friendly, affectionate and talkative. Then on Monday, the usual coldness and unfriendliness would return. This hot and cold behaviour was most unsettling to Slava.
For those who are Socially Uptight
THE DAGGY MUSIC EXPERIMENT.
Go to I-tunes, or a music store. Buy some yodelling music. Now, play it as loudly as possible, singing along with great gusto and attempting to dance. (This part is best done in company). Try to do this as badly as you can. How do you feel? After five minutes, you will start to feel every care and worry in the world escape you. With this sense of lightness will come a greater sense of confidence, and perspective. You will find that you care less about social rejection. “It’s obvious that the mirth filled man, the cheerful soul, the childish adult is the one who has least to fear from life.” Tom Hodgkinson The Freedom Manifesto.
LIST OF EXCUSES
My Italian friends the Racioppis have the same issues as all of us, yet like most migrant households, they never make excuses. If they are stressed, they come together anyway, which often helps them to relieve their stress. Sometimes, in fact often, they argue and
fight, but that clears the air, and avoids the bottling up of harmful stress. Unlike us white people, they don’t hold onto their anger and grudges, all of which are quickly forgiven. They don’t seem to feel uncomfortable with confrontation.
To those Prone to Listmaking
THE PICK UP THE PHONE EXPERIMENT.
Think of someone with whom you have not made contact for at least twelve months. No matter what the reason. Maybe you fell out, maybe you have been busy. But overall it was a valuable relationship. Relationships can change over time if they are nurtured properly, So pick up the phone, and say “Hello, it’s me calling, how is life? I am sorry I have been off the radar.” If it helps, give yourself some ice to slide out on, and make an excuse that you have been busy. It takes two to tango, and through becoming the “hero”, you are being a hero. You are helping to create social capital. which makes people feel connected, strong and happy.
BOX OF SHAME
The shame and guilt that you carry for not being good enough may cause you to disengage from interacting with others, and then, because you feel inadequate, you aspire to being something other than what you really are. You want to be more beautiful, or more clever. To do this, you are always on the lookout for the newest and youngest, and only happy to
be with the “cool people”. You buy “cool” objects, and continually aspire to god knows what exactly. But many older migrants who come from rural backgrounds are happy just creating their own story, so it is difficult for advertisers and marketers to seduce them with the false promises that you fall for, you poor clueless fool.
For the Shameful THE JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND LET IT ALL GO EXPERIMENT. Start this exploration in a small way. If you are too embaressed to leave your house in your pyjamas, do so one day, ever so briefly. Build it up, and slowly discover the fun that whimsical behaviour can create. Who knows? You MIGHT even start a fashion trend of your own, which would be amusing. Do increasingly more daring things in public. Wear odd socks, wear eighties fashion, sing in public.... What else can you come up with?
STRAIGHT FACED MASK
An Italian workmate I once had commented on the coldness of an academic anglo colleague: “I don’t like her, she is such a snob, she always stares straight ahead, and never
says hello.” This same colleague always made me feel awkward too, too busy typing like a frenzied robotic rat when I arrived at work in the morning to even acknowledge me.
For the Cyborg Lookalikes THE POET EXPERIMENT.
For this exercise, you are going to become the famous Elizabethan poetJohn Donne, and pretend that you have just written the famous poem titled “No Man is an Island”. “No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were.” So now that YOU are John Donne, you should know what this means. When you have thought this through, ask yourself: “Do I really want to be an island?”
Thankyou to Sukhpal, the Racioppi family, all of my friends both Anglo and Non for providing the material for the Kit, and to my mother, for bringing me up in a house with a well used welcome mat.
ARE YOU STUCK UP ? Did you know that from numerous multicultural perspectives, many of our “anglo” social norms, are actually problematic? Who do you know that stares straight ahead, and never says “Good morning” making you feel strangled with their silence? Maybe this kit is just what you might like to buy them for Christmas.