Issue 2: The Sex, Death and Marilyn Monroe Edition

EDITORS Mairead Armstrong Lachlan Bennett Sally Coleman Fiona Dunne Tessa Feggans Frances Mao Joe McKenzie Naomi Russo Zara Selman Hannah Story

CONTRIBUTORS Ruby Bell Sarah Christie Brittany Eckberg Lucy Faerber Eliza Goetze The Graduate James Haydon David Hristoforidis

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Mark Outridge

CONTENTS

ART & DESIGN Supriya Bhonsle Minh Bui ADVERTISING Stephanie King COVER IMAGE Genevieve Kaiser

Alex Johnson Wilson Kwong Melanie Nicols Jenna Price Sandy Sarouni Bonnie-Anne Talese Yolanda Thomas Douglas Whyte

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ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD

4 5 6 12 13 14 15

OUR THANK YOUS Aaron Sorkin The person who created KeepCups Ryde Parramatta Golf Club Pide Tina Fey Gin

AND FUCK YOUS The North Shore Line Humid February weather Oscar Pistorius Gertie The rain that flooded our office The Australian Men’s Swim Team

16 17 18 20 22 24 25 26 28 30 36 38 39 40

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MUSIC THAT MAKES YOU FEEL

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A CHALLENGE FOR A CHANGE

EDITORIAL CALENDAR GETTING SOME GOING WITHOUT: MASTURBATION SOAPBOX STUDENT PRESS THEN & NOW HOW TO MAKE $800 MILLION THE OBEID WAY THE 3-PHASE EREADER ACCEPTANCE MODEL THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: ANGER SHOWCASE: DAVID HRISTOFORIDIS TITS UP DUMB WAYS TO DIE AT UTS A POX ON POP CULTURE: TO FUCK HIM OR BE HIM? STREET STYLE ROADTEST: WEIRD DIETS SHOWCASE: DOUGLAS WHYTE DEFAMER IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? CRUNKSCOPES BORED STUPID?!

SA REPORTS

Vertigo is published by the UTS Students’ Association Printed by Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquiries

WITH SUPPORT FROM Lyndal Butler et. al Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville

This is our disclaimer so we don’t get sued by nasty organisations or individuals. The contents of Vertigo do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Students’ Association or the Editors. This one is on you.

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of copyright holders.

Vertigo would like to show its respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40 000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition of and compensation for past injustices.

EDITORIAL

CALENDAR

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reetings, and welcome to another issue of Vertigo.

By now you all should have sussed out your classes (and more importantly, your classmates) for the semester and been forced to take part in those excruciating getting-to-knowyou introductions tutors revel in. I’m not sure why they take so much glee in them; it’s always seemed a little sadistic to me.

You should also know by now whether or not there are some attractive folk in your classes. Whether it’s their face, shoes or intellect that you’ve fallen just a little bit in love or lust with, we’ve got you covered. And whether your lust is fleeting or full-time, we’re here to hold your hand and help navigate your turbulent uni romance with Hannah Story’s guide to ‘getting some’.

We’ve also been torturing columnist James Haydon. For Issue 1, he went without carbs for two weeks, but we didn’t think that was good enough. So we upped the ante and, as is only right in the Sex, Death and Marilyn Monroe Edition, we kept it themed— so he went without masturbating for two weeks.

As much fun as sex can be, uni is also a time to learn to think critically about your world. So while we’re all about having a bit of fun, we’ve also got some slightly more serious stuff too.

We’ve got a brilliant feature on human rights and refugee law in Australia by Melanie Nichols, and the lowdown on the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) scandal from Joe McKenzie. So now when someone exclaims, “ISN’T OBEID A GIGANTIC DICKHEAD?” you’ll know exactly why.

We’ve also posed the question “Should illicit drugs be legalised?” in Soapbox and gotten an insight into the one type of media that isn’t on the brink of destruction— student media, just like little ol’ Vertigo here. Funnily enough, we have the original co-editor of Newswit (Vertigo’s predecessor), esteemed UTS Journalism lecturer and bona fide joint-destroyer, Jenna Price, talking about student media today. And just in case that isn’t enough for you, we’ve also got an interview with Edward Lyons, aka Embassy by Eliza Goetze and a Roadtest of all things dietary by Naomi Russo.

So start practising your flirting in the mirror and form some intelligent and articulate opinions for the first date. And remember, if you need help or advice, just email your friendly Vertigo editors at editorial@utsvertigo.com.

week 3 Monday 11th Mar Vertigo Issue 2 released

Wednesday 13th Mar Bloc Party @ Hordern Pavillion

Thursday 14th Mar Careers Fair 12:30-4:30pm @ Levels 4 and 5, UTS Tower

Friday 15th Mar UTS Backstage presents Black Comedy @ The Bon Marche Studio

Saturday 16th Mar

Sydney Comedy Festival Preview Night @ The Factory Theatre Dinosaur Jnr. @ The Hi-Fi

week 4 Wednesday 20th Mar Girls Gone Mild @ Goodgod Small Club

Thursday 21st Mar

Sydney Royal Easter Show @ Sydney Olympic Park

week 5 Tuesday 26th Mar Jurassic Lounge @ Australian Museum

Thursday 28th Mar UTS Census Date (your last day to withdraw from a class without penalties!)

Friday 29th Mar Good Friday

Saturday 30th Mar Kitty, Daisy and Lewis @ The Metro Theatre

Love, Fiona and The Vertigo Team P.S Please be responsible. Safe sex is good sex.

P.P.S UTS has a health service. They’re on Level 6 of The Tower.

P.P.P.S Have fun!

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CORRECTION: In ‘The Editors’ Map of UTS’ in Issue 1, we advised you, our dear readers, to go visit the Vice-Chancellor if the Student Services and Amenities Fee is hiked up. Please don’t storm the VC’s office. He doesn’t have control over the fee. That’s a federal government thing. We apologise if you had your pitchforks ready, but assure you that there will be something to inspire your ire soon. You know where our office is and we’re happy to give you suggestions.

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GETTING SOME

H A N N A H S T O RY GUIDES YOU THROUGH THE INS AND OUTS OF FORNICATING AT UNIVERSITY.

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hink of me as your spiritual sex guide. I’m here to hold your hand while you try and navigate love and lust at university.

Except not literally. I don’t want to be there at the time because voyeurism isn’t my thing. And if it’s your thing, you should probably go see someone about that. It’s creepy.

My protégés, my friends, you’re about to get started on the long road to getting some clunge or cock or whatever takes your fancy. These are the things that you really need to know, things that are more important than anything you’ll ever learn in a lecture. So, let’s dive right in, shall we?

Be choosy.

Dear god, be choosy. Don’t just fuck anyone that walks into your tute because it can get really awkward really fast. Some people get together at uni and they stay together, but some people have really awful breakups and then they have to see each other FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER. Remember, seeing someone naked is a game changer; you don’t want to be stuck in class (or worse- in a group assignment) with someone who has seen you in all manner of awkward and unflattering positions.

Date outside of your faculty.

Whether you’re looking for a quick hook up or for a longterm relationship, you might be wise to check out the other faculties on campus. It may seem exciting at first to share all the trials of being a 19-year-old IT student with someone who gets it, but it could go awry (see above). If you insist on being with your IT spirit animal ladyfriend, can I suggest looking to the older years? Your second or fourth year piece of man-or-woman-candy is likely to never share a lecture with you. But don’t despair; it’s likely your spotty awkward peers will blossom into dashing young men by third year. Put them in your spank bank and keep an eye on them.

Now is the time to be impulsive.

Guys, you’re at your sexual peak. Girls, you’re not, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. University is the time to make rash decisions (just don’t get any type of rash) and improve your technique. That means that yes, you should hook up with the cutie with the French accent at the bar, and yes, you could sleep with him/her if you so desire. You should feel free to experiment and date all kinds of people: the sporty ones, the rebellious ones, the clever ones, and even, dare I say it, the handsome ones.

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Not the drunk person…

I shouldn’t have to teach you about consent. It’s likely that you’ll be drinking far too much at uni parties and you might try and take someone home. Don’t take advantage of them. I repeat, DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM. If you do, you’ll be transformed into a giant d-bag in the morning and be liable for all sorts of things. Even if it’s a case of you sleeping with a close friend, here’s a quick reminder: many great friendships have been ruined by late night drunken hook ups.

If they’ve moved out of home, pounce.

Seriously. I don’t think you understand how great it is to be with someone who doesn’t live with their parents. No more awkwardly quiet or just generally awkward teen sex for you.

No more fear that mum and dad will come home and no more complex scheduling to destroy any chance of spontaneity. Oh no. You can fuck in the kitchen or the bathroom or the living room at any time (so long as their roomies aren’t around). It’s the best. I’d rate it 5 orgasms out of 5.

Don’t be gross.

Please don’t finger anyone on an UTS couch. I don’t care if you’re at Markets or Broadway or in The Loft. Don’t do it.

People can see you. Also refrain from frenzied kissing in public areas. Some single and not-so-single people find it gross, especially if you’re in the food court and you’ve been eating a kebab and she’s been eating sushi. They don’t mix well.

Find a closet.

I don’t think you understand; UTS has a lot of closets. And empty tutor rooms. And disabled bathrooms (although these should never be your first choice). Essentially if you go looking for a room around a quarter past love o’clock and you find an empty one, the chances are it will stay empty.

Congratulations, you now have 45 minutes of nasty time.

You have options here, boys and girls, so keep your eyes peeled and leave no bone (sorry, stone) unturned.

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MELANIE NICOLS REVEALS THE REAL BORDER SECURITY ISSUES AT STAKE THIS ELECTION.

ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD

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PHOTO: NABIL DARWISH

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rregular maritime arrivals, aka asylum seekers, have become a world issue since the 1980s. The large influx of asylum seekers has caused significant difficulties for governments, as they are “seen to undermine states’ sovereign right to control who enters and remains within their borders”. In recent months, all the major political parties in Australia attempted to tackle the problem of asylum seekers, and with an impending election, the questions of how and where to process refugees, especially children, remain important issues.

In theory, the debate centres around the best way for Australia to strike a balance between the state’s right to control entry into its territory and protect itself economically, and how to best protect individuals fleeing war and persecution. However it’s an issue that inherently polarises voters, resulting in a debate that has been skewed by major parties attempting to win votes by vilifying asylum seekers.

Since 2002, children have been placed in offshore detention centres in Nauru and Papua New Guinea. The difficulty Australia had in providing basic services to these facilities caused great concern in the community, and as a result, the Howard Government stated that “a minor shall only be detained as a measure of last resort”. Unfortunately, in 2010 there were still 1080 children in detention. Labor’s ‘New Directions’ policy focused on moving children quickly into community detention and by 2011, 686 children awaiting refugee status were placed in family facility centres, community detention or transit accommodation.

However, as the election drew closer, the government changed tack. In August 2012, they commissioned an expert panel to research the best way to deter people from seeking asylum by boat. Relying on the evidence of low numbers of boat arrivals during the Howard era, the panel recommended that Nauru and Manus Island be reopened immediately and that the government implement a ‘No Advantage’ policy.

The policy forces asylum seekers to spend the same amount of time in immigration detention as they would have spent waiting for a visa through ‘official’ channels.

The government adopted these recommendations, and detainees are now processed in Nauru under

Nauruan law and can be settled in any of 22 countries. This means that detainees have no way of ensuring that they can join members of their family who have been granted asylum in Australia. As such, there is growing evidence to suggest that a possible unintended consequence of this policy is the active encouragement of more people making dangerous voyages by boat, in an attempt to be resettled with their families.

Although there was a huge media focus on Labor’s backflip when selecting a country to undertake offshore processing, there was relatively low coverage of their backflip on child rights policy. No exceptions for children were made in the expert panel’s report, and the government has since confirmed that it will be sending children to Nauru.

From July 2011 to July 2012, 245 children arrived in Australian waters by boat. In 2011 almost half of the 1080 child asylum seekers in immigration detention were unaccompanied minors. Asylum seekers under the age of eighteen have the full rights of both children and of refugees.

In many cases, as pointed out by the European Council on Refugees and Exiles, their rights as children supersede their rights as asylum seekers. This gives them the same rights to education and care as all children. However, there are some key areas where children’s rights are not being met while they are in detention under the ‘No Advantage’ policy.

IN 2011 ALMOST HALF OF THE 1080 CHILD ASYLUM SEEKERS IN IMMIGRATION DETENTION WERE UNACCOMPANIED MINORS. The Australian government is knowingly causing damage to their physical and mental health. The Australian Human Rights Commission’s submission to the 2012 Senate Inquiry reveals just that.

“Prolonged detention in remote facilities prevented children from enjoying their right to the highest attainable standard of health. Significant numbers of children in immigration detention experience psychiatric illness, such as depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, which were either caused or exacerbated by long term detention.”

One study from Physicians for Human Rights found clinically significant symptoms of depression were present in 86% of all detainees, whilst 77% showed signs of anxiety and 50% showed signs of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Another concern is the minimal schooling provisions provided for children in these centres. Schooling creates

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YOU COULD BE THE VOICE OF YOUR GENERATION. OR AT LEAST A VOICE OF A GENERATION.

SUBMIT TO VERTIGO opportunities for children and breaks down class barriers, and it is for this reason that it is acknowledged as a human right. This lack of access to adequate education drastically hinders a child’s ability to learn English and other essential skills needed for resettlement in Australia.

And finally, under current arrangements children are also denied their greatest protector and social navigator— their parents. Children will be denied the ability to sponsor their parents under the Special Humanitarian Visa Program.

Without parents to guide them through this new world, and with few skills required for the transition into Australian schools or to cope with the trauma of their refugee experience, these children face an uphill battle. Ultimately, this increases their chances of being excluded and isolated from larger society in future.

Despite the change in policy, the reintroduction of offshore processing has not deterred the boats, with more than 5900 people, including children, arriving since the announcement on August 13. But the cost of the scheme is incredibly high. Although the government is yet to release the costs of the Nauru centre, in January 2012 the Labor Party estimated that the reopening of Nauru would cost $1.7 billion.

Thirty-three countries do not have a mandatory detention policy and many of those who do, including the United Kingdom and Canada, only use detention for minimal periods and release asylum seekers as soon as possible.

The International Detention Coalition has released a report analysing the best practices of countries around the world and developed a framework called the ‘Child Sensitive Cap Model’. The model involves a presumption against the detention of children and advocates the use of alternative methods of detention — for example monitored community placement; the state swiftly ascertains the child’s age and 10 /

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health, assigns them a guardian, if necessary, and a caseworker, who then arranges a placement in a community setting within hours of their arrival. The state then promptly begins the management and processing of the child’s claim, which involves an exploration of all the possible migration options for the child and makes a decision with the child’s best interests in mind.

We need to shift the focus of the public discourse. A policy calling for the complete end of detention of children is unlikely to be adopted by either side of politics when 63% of Australians support tougher policy on asylum seekers.

The Refugee Council of Australia has said that “one-on-one conversations are essential to changing the current discourse and encouraging reflection and understanding… Individual people need to be able to challenge misinformation when they see it.”

SUBMISSIONS@UTSVERTIGO.COM

THERE ARE 15.4 MILLION REFUGEES ACROSS THE GLOBE, 80% OF WHICH ARE WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

So as we wait for September 14, take the time to look into the real situation regarding refugees, asylum seekers, and asylum-seeking children to determine where you stand on one of the greatest challenges facing our generation.

There are 15.4 million refugees across the globe, 80% of which are women and children. When the financial cost is so high and the human suffering is even greater, we owe it to ourselves, to those who come from lands across the sea and to the spirit of democracy to be making an informed decision on election day and to encourage others to do the same.

PHOTO: HBO

GOING W I T H O U T: M A S T U R B AT I N G

SHOULD AUSTRALIA LEGALISE ILLICIT DRUGS?

FOR

UNI LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAKING SACRIFICES. WE FIND OURSELVES GIVING THINGS UP IN ORDER TO MAKE ENDS MEET. THIS MONTH, JAMES HAYDON TRIES LIFE WITHOUT MASTURBATING.

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don’t consciously masturbate. That’s not to say that I’m not aware I’m mid-jerk, in a ‘why is everybody staring at me on the train OH GOD it’s happening again!’ kind of way, but that I don’t plan for it. Not like say, sex. Sex (when you’re not in a relationship) requires a degree of forethought and organisation Is this person into me? Where can we do it?

Should I do something about the fact that I feel I’m too fat/ hairy/short/tall/awkward/insert other insecurity here.

Masturbation is just routine. Shower, brush teeth, jump into bed, wank, sleep. Not every day, but more often than not. That’s the beauty of it; there’s no need to worry about somebody else. Are they liking that? Should I shift positions now or try and ride this out? Why didn’t I train my core muscles more!? Anybody who has sex without feeling at least a bit distracted by the responsibility of making sure the other person gets off the requisite number of times is either not taking it seriously enough or is blessed with a mind that worries much less than mine.

Even so, when my editor told me that for this article I was giving up keeping Kleenex in business, I wasn’t too concerned.

This would surely be much easier than the hell she’d put me through last time, giving up carbs. I was, as usual, wrong. In the words of German scholar, Rob Thomas, “some things you don’t need until they leave you. And they’re the things that you miss.”

Many guys, particularly in these situations, have very exciting dreams where their brain kicks in while they’re asleep and does the job for them. I have never had one of these. Ever. Perhaps it’s some trick of genetics, but they’ve just never popped up and I always felt a bit left out.

So yes, whilst I was not struggling with subconscious hallucinatory dilemmas of whether I should do both Emma

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AGAINST YOLANDA THOMAS

Watson and Stone separately or at the same time, I was fielding dreams of a much more strange nature. One involved Marilyn Monroe, a lady I know next to nothing about aside from the fact she was an actress and probably shagged JFK. So here I am, having a dream involving one of the greatest sex symbols of all time, and what do we do? Go grocery shopping. The least erotic thing possible. There wasn’t even the implication that we were dating, or that she might slip on a broken bottle of pasta sauce and I would come to her rescue, a knight in shining armour wielding green enviro bags.

But while the potentially exciting was mundane, the mundane was potentially exciting. Definitely a good idea to stay away from pairs of upturned bowls, movie sex scenes and anything on SBS after 8:30pm.

I was helped through the experience due to a rather major loophole: whilst I wasn’t allowed to get myself off, there was no rule against outside help. I’m not sure whether this was due to my editor realising I’d probably give up, or because she has absolutely no faith in my ability to pick up.

And I’m not sure which is more offensive. Through good fortune, help arrived in the form of a successful date right in the middle of my ordeal, though I thought it wise not to tell her about the situation, lest she think I was only going out with her due to desperation. I can give you one positive at least — not doing it yourself for a while makes it a whole lot better when someone else does.

It was exhausting in all the wrong ways, but I made it through the two weeks without succumbing to temptation.

Will I give up for good? Hell no. But I now appreciate it a whole lot more.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my bunk.

It’s an election year and because I’m a friendly person I’ve got a heads up for Julia and Tony.

There is a magical policy that will reduce crime, improve our healthcare system and create jobs.

The clincher, for all you budding politicians already preparing to claim budgetary black holes, is that this policy easily pays for itself.

Legalise drugs. Legalise the hell out of them. And then regulate the hell out of them. Apply your dodgy asylum seeker theory of “denying people smugglers the product they sell” to an area where it actually makes sense and will work. Legalising drugs takes away an important source of income for crime syndicates and lowers crime rates significantly. It stops possession and distribution from being crimes, and therefore reduces the occurrence of associated violent crime by providing a safe and legal means to acquire and use drugs.

By creating a point of contact with drug users before they end up in the ER, it becomes possible to regulate the amount that any one person can buy and ensure that they use only good quality drugs in the safest environment possible.

Legalising drugs creates jobs and makes money. Not only would it be a legal (and taxable) way for cancerridden science teachers to make extra income, it creates jobs along the production line, in distribution and at the point of sale.

So, Julia and Tony, if you want my vote then take drugs off the black market and shine a bright ecofriendly light on them. You’d be doing us all a favour (and not just because we won’t have to deal with that shady guy in the decrepit house down the road anymore).

BRIT TANY ECKBERG

Would legalising drugs exacerbate the illicit drug problem among Australia’s young people? It is hard not to answer that question with a resounding yes.

The health risks associated with the use of illicit substances may be seen as one of the primary reasons that many of these drugs have been prohibited. One argument in the debate for the legalisation of drugs is that legalisation would mean stringent testing, and benchmarks would be set. This in turn would allow many harmful substances or fillers (such as PMA, 4-MTA, BZP and methamphetamine) to be eliminated from the production process. However, this short-sighted view ignores the numerous health risks associated with the primary ingredients of these drugs. Ecstasy is primarily comprised of MDMA, a mild hallucinogen that creates a sense of mental and physical euphoria for the user.

MDMA has been linked to many health risks of its own, the most serious of which include hyponatremia and hyperthermia, both of which result in death.

The legalisation of drugs would further increase community use of these substances. While it is correct that people currently using drugs will continue to do so regardless of legality, I believe that curiosity would bring along more punters. In allowing illicit drugs to be permissible, available and accessible, the resulting greater exposure to the community would increase the potential for addiction. In 2011-12 the NSW Government invested $7 million into drug and alcohol addiction treatment. It is clear that this amount would have to be increased exponentially if these illicit substances were legalised, neutralising any savings that may be made from putting an end to the war on drugs.

Is the risk really worth it?

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THE STUDENT PRESS THEN AND NOW

HOW TO MAKE $800 MILLION THE OBEID WAY

UTS JOURNALISM LECTURER JENNA PRICE RECOUNTS THE ORIGINS OF STUDENT MEDIA AT UTS AND WHAT PLACE IT HAS 30 YEARS LATER.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED FROM THE INDEPENDENT COMMISSION AGAINST CORRUPTION (ICAC)? JOE MCKENZIE FINDS OUT.

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here were 36 blank tabloid pages every fortnight. Every single fortnight during semester. And they were mine, all mine. Mwahahaha.

Okay, not exactly true. But close.

In 1979, after lying* about my sexual relationship with a fellow student, I was one of two people elected to coedit the UTS student newspaper. Actually it wasn’t UTS back then. And it wasn’t Vertigo either. The student newspaper for the NSW Institute of Technology was called Newswit, and it was huge.

Huge for two reasons: the workload and the responsibility.

Why responsibility?

Newswit broke news. It told students when the university was planning to cancel courses and when the cost of food at university outlets was about to go up. It revealed cuts to student funding and explained how students could get more support. It reported on all those decisions that affect students every day.

And that made it a must-read for students — but it also meant that those who ran the university in those days would be very quick to send their secretaries to pick up a copy.

Astonishingly, in our mailbox, we would get the minutes of confidential university committee meetings, or suggestions about possible stories which turned out to be right on the money. That was only possible because of other students, not that they were leaking from top-level meetings, but that they were prepared to research and write stories from all over the university.

We had reporters from Science and Business and Architecture, all of them ready with their expertise and understanding of their own faculties. In all, around fourty people worked on Newswit in 1980 and every one of those people contributed to the publication because they really believed that publications should cover all stories.

The natural tendency is for students from Communication degrees to run student media — and of course they mostly know about their own areas. But we were really fortunate.

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Now, when the majority of students think about their student publication, they don’t see it as something they need to read. Or they see it simply as a place to read reviews of music, films and food. Same goes for any other student publication, because it’s easier to organise that kind of material than it is to write stories that reveal changes to class sizes or problems with access to Wi-Fi. The problem with the music-film-food way of editing student media is that almost everyone does a better job of reviewing than students. And I say that lovingly. I’m more likely to believe reviews I read on FasterLouder or TripAdvisor than those in Vertigo. That’s because many reviews in student publications are by fangirls or fanboys. No distance, no dispassion.

So how does student media make itself relevant? It publishes and broadcasts work about the one thing that makes it unique: the institution where it lives.

That makes it much harder. It is not as easy to chase down the minutes for Faculty Board Meetings and go through them in minute detail as it is to review Zero Dark Thirty. It’s not as easy to see whether The Co-op Bookshop really gives students a good deal as it is to gush over Gotye.

But it’s so much more important. You spend at least three years of your life at university and at least ten years paying for it. Make sure you know what the hell is going on here. And if you know about something at UTS that worries you, don’t worry by yourself. Take it to the editors of Vertigo.

They just might just be able to help out; that’s just part of their workload — and it should be part of yours too. *Why did I lie? In those days, people thought it was perfectly okay to discriminate against married women, single women having sex with other single people, gay women, and people of colour. And when I decided to stand for the position of editor of Newswit (a position elected by members of the Student Representative Council) they wanted to know if I was in a relationship with my prospective co-editor, and they were prepared to vote for someone else if I was having sex with him. Yes, you read it here first. I was definitely in a relationship with him in 1979. And I still am.

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HE ICAC INVESTIGATION INTO THE FORMER NSW LABOR GOVERNMENT HAS BECOME A FIXTURE ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS, AS MINISTER AFTER MINISTER IS DRAGGED BEFORE THE INQUIRY. FOR THOSE NOT OBSESSIVELY FOLLOWING THE ICAC HASHTAG ON TWITTER, HERE ARE THE CRIB NOTES.

1.EDDIE OBEID AND HIS FAMILY WERE EITHER STAGGERINGLY LUCKY OR STAGGERINGLY CORRUPT. While NSW Labor was in power in 2008, the Obeids made some incredibly profitable property purchases in the Bylong Valley, wherein seemingly random pieces of farmland that they bought kept being opened to mining tenders. Many of the decisions regarding this tender seemed tailor-made to suit the Obeid family’s interests, particularly the size of the areas under tender. One of the most interesting pieces of evidence that has come out of this investigation is that the Obeid family were in possession of strictly confidential maps of potential mine sites in the Bylong Valley. How did they get these maps, and more broadly, why were they on the receiving end of so many beneficial decisions? Well...

2. FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, ESPECIALLY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE MINISTER IN CHARGE OF MINING. Evidence has revealed that it was the Minister for Mineral and Forest Resources (a position that Eddie Obeid had previously held), Ian Macdonald, who played a huge role in making several of these critical decisions regarding the mining tender that the Obeids so bountifully profited from.

And as luck would have it, Ian Macdonald is a close political ally of Eddie Obeid. A lot of the evidence has been focussed on showing the extent of that relationship and also trying to prove that Macdonald stood to receive considerable kickbacks from these deals. Fun fact: Ian Macdonald appeared before ICAC last year for having sex with a prostitute paid for by businessman and Obeid associate, Ron Medich, who himself is accused of soliciting the murder of Michael McGurk.

3. OBEID HAD EXTRAORDINARY CONTROL OVER THE NSW LABOR CAUCUS. Eddie Obeid was the leader of the sub-faction of the NSW Right called the Terrigals, which, apart from being a great band name, refers to Obeid’s house in Terrigal where the sub-faction first met. The Terrigals controlled the Right faction, which in turn controlled the caucus, which in turn controlled the NSW Government. Their power was most conspicuous when they orchestrated the sacking of the then Premier, Nathan Rees. The reason? Nathan Rees had tried to sack Ian Macdonald. Obeid’s influence over the caucus was well known before this inquiry, but it does seem even more sinister in light of the corrupt deals he is alleged to have made on the back of his role as a factional power broker.

4. THIS INVESTIGATION IS ONLY THE BEGINNING. The ICAC is not a criminal court and can only recommend charges. Therefore, if Obeid and his associates are found to have acted in a corrupt manner there will almost certainly be an actual trial that will stretch on for months. Beyond that, however, it is worth noting that corruption only exists in an environment that permits it. Thus, if corrupt behaviour was being practiced by Obeid et al. in the area of mining licenses then it’s not implausible for there to have been corruption elsewhere. So keep your eyes on Eddie Obeid — this is a story worth following.

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THE 3-PHASE EBOOK READER ACCEPTANCE MODEL

THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: ANGER

A MAN WHO WISHES TO BE KNOWN ONLY AS THE GRADUATE REMINDS US THERE IS LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

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Bonnie-Anne Talese examines her transition into an ebook fanatic.

When it comes to new technology, I’ve always tried to ‘keep up with the times’ and give it a go. But recently, I’ve struggled to accept one new type — the ebook reader.

Those who know me would agree that I tend to read a lot: outside in the sun, lazing on the couch, on my bed, on the train, on the bus, at work, at uni, anywhere. Needless to say, I am an avid fan of ‘The Book’.

Then along came the ereader. They’ve been around since the late 1990s, but only since 2007 have they boomed in popularity. Looking back over the past couple of years, I can now tell you my relationship with this technology appears to have developed through three distinct phases, or as I like to call it, the ‘Ebook Reader Acceptance Model’.

Phase 1: The Author Loyalty Phase or “I’m a book snob who won’t buy into this blasphemy!”

This phase kicked in one day on my regular train trip home. As I sat cradling my rather large paperback copy of Lee Child’s 61 Hours, I felt a pang of resentment towards certain people reading electronic copies of Twilight. First, because they were reading what I saw as a cheap, disposable version of a book, and second, because some of them were reading Twilight.* Let’s put this phase into perspective.

We are a society of collectors, be it model cars, postage stamps, spoons or books. Buying these things is a way of showing appreciation towards the work’s creator. A common cause of apprehension for ebook readers is the perceived waning of author loyalty when you purchase an ebook over a hard copy.

Statistics show that epublishing (which eschews some production and distribution costs) is on the rise. This raises questions like “how will the authors make money?” and “how will publishers deal with copyright infringement?”

Thankfully though, figures sit around $1.52 billion for print, and only $380 million for digital. So fear not my fellow book collectors, paperbacks are not quite on their deathbed.

Phase 2: The Edenial Phase or “I secretly think they’re awesome but I don’t want to admit it”.

I recall entering this phase about six months ago, again on my regular commute. I was carrying a very heavy, book-filled bag, which dug fiercely into my shoulder as I walked to the train. I was getting increasingly frustrated and envied those other passengers with their lightweight ereaders. But I also had a problem — I had recently scorned the idea of my partner buying me an ereader for my birthday. I may have mentioned the word ‘gimmick’.

To be honest, I should have seen this all coming. It happened with Apple products, it happened with MySpace, and then it happened with Facebook. Once we blab on about how uncool or superfluous a new technology is, some people like myself then find it difficult to turn around and embrace it like it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Most people don’t appreciate looking like an idiot.

Phase 3: The Cave-In Phase or “Okay, whatever! This is bloody awesome!”

As I should have foreseen, I eventually gave in and accepted that ebook readers have many merits. Not only would my bag be sufficiently lighter, but I could have the books I wanted to read sooner, still borrow from the library (many libraries now loan digital editions) and my bookshelf would be less cluttered.

Apart from these initial benefits, ereaders can also be commended for other reasons. First, they are searchable, both in the text and when looking up words on the device’s dictionary. Second, despite the ereader being expensive, the books are significantly cheaper. And third, on some readers, the text-to-speech feature can make any e-book an instant audio book.

So in the end, I convinced my partner that I actually did want an ereader and would love one for Christmas. Since then, I have never been happier to admit I was wrong. *No disrespect is intended towards Stephanie Meyer, her books, or her fanbase. This is merely a personal opinion, and does not reflect the opinions of Vertigo, UTS, or any of its staff and students.

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ere’s how it works. When you finish your degree, When there was finally a break in the question-andCentrelink terminates your Youth Allowance or answer I said, “I think there’s a mistake on one of those Austudy payment in the manner that, according to forms.”

Tony Abbott, women terminate pregnancies: eagerly and Graham kept typing. Some seconds later, with his vacant with relish. If you’re not employed, your best option is to stare fixed on the monitor and his head hanging to one sign up for the dole, or Newstart, as Centrelink optimistically side, limp with ennui, he sighed and said, “What did you do calls it. However before they approve your application you’re wrong?” required to have an initial meeting with an employment “No, there’s a typo. It’s meant to say Proof Reader, but agency, whose job it is to help you find work. This brings me it’s missing the ‘r’.” to my point; last week I met with the one I was assigned to.

He laughed once, jerking as if receiving a shock of Oops, sorry – I know it’s grammatically incorrect to end a defibrillation. Then smirking, he said, “Are you sure? Maybe sentence with a preposition. Let me try again. it’s right and the second word is meant to be ‘leader’?” I Last week I met with the agency I was assigned to, which couldn’t believe they’d seen fit to entrust my employment was totally fucked. prospects to this doltish lump.

I knew I was in trouble when, among the wad of forms As he resumed typing I sat clenching my teeth amid the crab-like scuttle of his touch-typing, I had to complete, I found a page BE SURE TO SECURE the insufferable timbre of his heavy that required me to select my job breathing, and the groan of his office preferences from a list of about 70 EMPLOYMENT BEFORE YOU chair straining beneath his bovine options. I got to choose from things like mass. Finally, Graham looked up and Bottle Shop Attendant, Shearer, Boner, COMPLETE YOUR STUDIES, LEST said, “Okay, we’re done.” He stood up Don’t Know, and Food Preparation. Oh, and leaned over his desk to shake my and Editor/Proof Reader. Offended?

YOU SHOULD FIND YOURSELF hand. His grip was limper than a Skill I was too. It’s not that I sneer at soTester and as I recoiled from his stale called menial jobs or the people who IN MY THREADBARE SHOES breath, I glimpsed an image that’ll stay do them; such jobs must be done, and with me forever; his belt was tightened indeed before I went to university I was the one what done ’em – dish pig, cook, waiter, retail like a tourniquet, cutting in deep beneath the precipice of assistant etc. But I had hoped that a bachelor’s degree his mighty paunch. Poor Graham. But at the same time, fuck with an HD average and two years of casual employment Graham and his homophobic joke. experience in the field of communications might have at Six days have passed since then and I am now the grateful least earned me a melamine work station in the open-plan recipient of the Newstart Allowance, which pays $492.60 per office of some dull government agency. Things were not, fortnight. It’s wonderful that we have it, but it’s tough to live however, so straightforward. off in this town. I have to walk everywhere, I’m fucking pov Like Katie Holmes on Tom Cruise’s annual Insemination and all I can afford to eat is bread and instant noodles.

Night, I found myself with no choice but to acquiesce. So So let this be a lesson, my pretties. Be sure to secure once I’d checked the box next to Poof Reader and completed employment before you complete your studies, lest you the rest of the forms, I had my sit-down meeting with my should find yourself in my threadbare shoes: just one more amiable case manager. Graham was his name, and he asked jobless, lefty, pinko wanker with an arts degree and a bowel me all the same questions you ask when you’re speed dating obstruction.

– do you have any criminal convictions, do you have any And pray you never find yourself beholden to the likes children, what is the total value of your personal assets, do of Graham. you have a medical condition that may prevent you from finding employment etc.

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SHOWCASE ART DAVID HRISTOFORIDIS

“MY WORKS ARE MOSTLY FIGURE SKETCHES AND PORTRAITS, WHICH I TRY

TO COMPLETE IN BATCHES WHEN I FIND THE TIME. PAINTING IS SOMETHING THAT COMES LESS NATURALLY, BUT IT IS SOMETHING THAT I’M CONTINUING TO EXPLORE AND DEVELOP. I’M INTERESTED IN WORKS THAT CHALLENGE THEIR MEDIUMS AND IMPART A SENSE OF ENERGY OR MEMORY. THE EXPERIENCE AND PERSPECTIVE OF THE VIEWER IS PARAMOUNT.”

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TITS UP LUCY FAERBER WRITES ABOUT SOCIETY’S OBSESSION WITH BREASTS AND HER NEWFOUND LOVE OF HER ABNORMAL B S.

I

recently found out what was wrong with my tits thanks I used to have a stash of money in my room in an envelope to Embarrassing Bodies. The diagnosis was a congenital marked “NEW BOOBS” ala Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher, but deformity, and as it was not in any way life-threatening or I ultimately couldn’t justify the expense. My tits didn’t stop flammable I assumed that the patient would be given a nice me from achieving anything, even if I did from time to time long talking to about appreciating the body she was given, imagine that they stopped me from having a meaningful thereby passing on the message to me through my preferred relationship with John Mayer. medium of therapy: the television. Instead the doctor But we live in a golden age of mammary glands. They prescribed two bags of silicone with the instruction “insert refuse to stay out of the news. One woman walks the streets once every ten years”. of New York topless purely to garner awareness for the law My left breast (the good one) fits perfectly into a B-cup that allows her to do so. Sadly, a teenage girl was recently and is generally well behaved. The one on the right just floats driven to suicide after a picture of her breasts was distributed around like it’s got better places to be. In Year 7 I waited across the internet. Breast cancer awareness has turned patiently for my tits to continue growing. I was waiting for into slogans like “I Heart Boobies” and “Save Second Base” the miraculous day when they would look and jiggle exactly rather than “I heart the fucking women who are suffering like my best friend’s sister’s did when she wore her bright and may possibly die, so let’s try and save the whole fucking orange bikini. I remember her specifically because she had person.” We go bananas for pictures of the Duchess of York, a stripper name and was sent home who dared to sunbathe topless on a early from school camp for blowing a deserted island, and are obsessed with classmate. I am not judging her though, side-boobs and nip-slips and uni-boobs that’s just a fact. I am still very much and did Britney really get implants envious of her rack.

“IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO when she was fourteen or what?

It is my mother’s fault that I have Some comic book artists still aren’t an insignificant rack. I used to enjoy REALISE THAT I DON’T OWE MY quite sure how boobs and gravity and yelling this at her, to which she would basic anatomy interact, while morning indicate her own enormous breasts TITS TO ANYONE, NO ONE DOES.” television hosts think that lactating and say calmly, “Just have three kids, mothers should keep their sexy milkthey’ll be huge.” Before slamming my tanks out of view. Why exactly are door and turning up Jeff Buckley (who breasts still a contentious issue in a understood all of my pain, small breasts public domain? Why are we desperate included), I would yell back, “No one will get me pregnant if to see a duchess’ impeccable rack, but no one cares that I am I don’t have big tits!” forced daily to look upon the flabby chests of hirsute Greek Since then, my sister has had three kids and our mother’s men who wander in and out of the shitty coffee shop where promise was worth naught. Her breasts used to be perfect I work? And that every time I turn on my favourite television and perky; I know because I saw them up the arm of her shows there are a pair of areolae brazenly staring back at me. polka-dotted dressing gown when I was 10. I was jealous and The pilot episode of Game of Thrones included eight angry; she hadn’t told me she had a tattoo. Now, together, characters topless, for a total of 16 nipples, which may or may we daydream about taking a plastic surgery holiday to South- not have been integral to the plot. “Maybe it’s time to tone East Asia. Four for the price of two. down the tits,” wrote Mary McNamara in the LA Times last There are no official figures on how many breast July. But then maybe it would be too much to ask an audience augmentations are carried out in Australia every year. It to watch an intriguing fantasy epic without throwing them was estimated in 2011 to have been around 16 000 in the a few stray titty-shots. Or maybe we’re pandering to what previous year, with a purported 10-12% increase each year. is supposedly a largely male audience. I’m not offended by

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the sight of a topless woman; I just wonder why women are topless on screen at particular times, and why they all seem to be pale, slim and definitely not an A-cup.

Lisa Wade questions this in her article for The Society Pages. “But whose sex is sold? And to who? If it was simply that sex sold, we’d see men and women equally sexually objectified in popular culture. Instead, we see, primarily, women sold to (presumably heterosexual) men. So what are we selling, exactly, if not ‘sex’. We’re selling men’s sexual subjectivity and women as a sex object. That is, the idea that men’s desires are centrally important and meaningful, and women’s are not (because women are the object to men’s subjectivity).”

HBO BREAST EXPOSURE METRE ROME GAME OF THRONES BOARDWALK EMPIRE GIRLS BIG LOVE TRUE BLOOD

It is not a matter of sex selling a perfume or designer clothes or a television show, it is female sexuality that is up for sale, a particular vanilla female sexuality perpetuated by a single version of the female body and its perfect tits.

There is a defense for the concept that female characters should be able to appear in whatever state of dress or undress the writer/director feels. Women in the real world are not always dressed. I routinely make phone calls in my underwear. I change my clothes in a change room with other women. The real problem here is the scales of equality. If there are naked women for no reason, throw in some naked men for the same lack of purpose. If you want to keep the soft-core soft-parts of women on cable television, then make it fair. One shot of a stumbling naked slave tied to a horse and Lily Allen’s bug-eyed, nude brother verbally abusing a sex-worker doesn’t quite cut it.

There’s really no winning. We can complain about all these boobs up in our television screens, or we can pretend like there’s nothing going on with the nip quota on HBO. Either way, it seems cis-gendered women all have two possessions strapped to their chests that can make or break an audience, sell the shit out of a beer commercial, and which may or may not belong to them.

I once had a boyfriend who thought it was perfectly all right to reach over and grab one or more of my tits in public spaces, and was confused when I was angry. Because he felt they belonged to him. I have never felt that my breasts belonged to me, because I blamed someone else for passing them on to me, and felt that I was waiting for a child to force their swelling. I was sure that they would belong to me when I paid for them.

Two years ago I spent the early hours of a Saturday morning drunk in St. Marks Place in New York City, determined not to go home before I had done something rebellious. I ended up topless on a vinyl chair covered in duct tape, pretending I was sober and not freezing cold. I made some polite, bullshit conversation and got a sweet deal on two nipple piercings, then stumbled home with a beer in a paper bag to cry and write a poem because that’s what I do when I’m drunk and miserable and bleeding from my tits.

While most is unintelligible, the last line reads, “I wanted to take my clothes off in front of a man while the lights were still on/ and owe him nothing.”

I believe television viewers are not owed images of breasts in return for paying their cable bill on time. The public is not owed images of famous women mid-wardrobemalfunction. Our obsession with breasts is reaching a crescendo, and we’re either going to drown in our supposed inadequacies, or we’re going to continue to sexualise and plasticise the female body.

It took me a long time to realise that I don’t owe my tits to anyone, no one does. I’ll lend them out from time to time, but ultimately they should be returned to their shelf. And if I’m forced to look at breasts on television shows, I’d prefer a few of them look like mine (or indeed yours) and not be a punchline.

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DUMB WAYS TO DIE AT UTS ILLUSTRATIONs BY JAMES BULLEN Let a USyd

drink for drink with an

Go

Arts

kid discuss their career

engineer Drink coffee from the

Union cafĂŠ

Go ten full days

without sunlight Get

Fall

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crushed

by a burning crane ISSUE 2 /

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STREET STYLE

A POX ON POP CULTURE

MOVE OVER NYFW, UTS O’ WEEK IS THE NEW FASHION EVENT TO MARK ON YOUR

TO FUCK HIM OR BE HIM?

CALENDAR. STREET STYLE SNAPPER, ZARA SELMAN, PROFILES THE BEST OF THE BEST.

MARIA

GIORGIO

DENIS

THIS MONTH, ALEX JOHNSON CRUSHES ON G-DRAGON.

RIGHT NOW MY LIFE CONSISTS OF ONE PROBLEM AND ONE PROBLEM ONLY: I AM NOT A MEMBER OF A KOREAN BOY BAND. TO BE SPECIFIC, I AM NOT G-DRAGON, THE LEADER OF KOREAN IDOL GROUP, BIG BANG. THE CHANCES OF ME BECOMING HIM AT ANY POINT IN THE FUTURE ARE ALSO FAIRLY SLIM. This is not for want of trying on my part. I’ve overhauled my wardrobe by introducing ridiculous neon jackets, (faux) fur and things with straps I haven’t entirely worked out yet. I bleached my naturally dark hair white. Go ahead, ask me how much that hurt.

Blisters for days. There are spikes and studs on everything I own (also painful, but for entirely different reasons). Give me another couple of months and I’ll probably start learning the choreography. None of this, of course, counteracts the fact that I am woefully musically untalented and, perhaps most problematically, not a tiny, attractive 25-year-old Korean man.

As I was trying to explain my current fixation to a friend of mine she interrupted to ask the all-important question, “Wait... do you want to sleep with G-Dragon or do you want to be G-Dragon?” Good question. The answer is both.

Obviously. Neither inclination runs stronger than the other.

Make no mistake: given the opportunity I would bang all 58kg of G-Dragon like he was a timpani. But there is every chance I would do it while dressed as him.

This is nothing new. Anyone who has known me for longer than a week has probably seen me in drag. Every

time one of my celebrity crushes gets a little out of hand, my entire physical appearance gets a makeover in the style of whoever has taken my fancy. There was an unfortunate time in high school where I was dressed as Davey Havok from AFI, complete with 40cm emo fringe and eyeliner but minus the vegan lifestyle. Thanks to a recent fascination with certain British actors I have a relatively large collection of well-tailored suits, in which I think I look rather fetching.

Some would argue that my desire to look like a male celebrity probably outweighs my desire to sleep with one, given that the sudden androgynous conversion would most likely destroy any chances I had of jumping their bones. I would argue that it totally plays into the ego of the male in question. There is nothing male celebrities love more than their own face, right? So, theoretically, if I became their doppelgänger, my chances of winding up in bed with one of these fabulous creatures increases.

At least that’s how I’m looking at it. In the meantime I get to swan around looking fabulous with some really good (although kind of hard to maintain) hair and a fine collection of suits.

PHOTO: TEAMBIGBANG

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Meet Maria, the first year Science/ Business student, looking very Courtney Love on the concourse (circa the chic Edward Norton phase, not the crazy boob-flashing phase). She has that authentic modern-grunge look going on (see: Rodarte), with a burgundy crushed velvet skirt, complete with high-shine Docs and a vintage 90s shirt she probably borrowed off her Kurt Cobain lookalike boyfriend. When asked what inspired her when assembling her ensemble that morning, she simply replied, “It’s so bloody hot.” Well, Maria, we think you’re bloody hot! And. That. Hair.

Ombre balayage is having its moment again (I’m calling it balayage 2.0, you heard it here first) and Maria is right on trend. You go grrrlfriend!

Introducing Giorgio, the gentleman’s pick of the week. My male colleague spotted this dashing, young Science student wandering around Alumni Green (#urbanfashionjungle) and couldn’t resist asking him for a snap. The first thing that struck me was the plethora of tonal prints he has deftly mixed together (#printsonprintsonprints); it’s a lot of look but he’s totally pulling it off.

The hipster glasses are so major (I’m a sucker for chic opticals) as are his super-fly flatform kicks— the combination is giving me that Theophilus London vibe. Can you say swag?! The jaunty snap-back is the metaphorical cherry on top of this stylish-man-sundae, capping (sorry for the bad pun) the outfit off perfectly.

Kudos, Giorgio, kudos!

SS

Denis, the dapper, young first year, was chatting to a fellow editor when I pounced. I just couldn’t resist him in his oversized chambray shirt with pocket detailing; it has that vaguely Old Western feeling, very Isabel Marant A/W 13. He’s teamed his covetable shirt with chic chino cut-offs that show off his gorgeous man-gams, and anchored the whole outfit with chocolate suede desert boots and cute little patterned socks (#totesadorbs).

Denis’ power-do is a nod to his future profession — he’s studying law and plans to bring those guilty of crimes against fashion to justice (#chictothenextlev). He may not have started classes yet, but it’s pretty clear he knows what’s going on! First year fashion at its finest!

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ROADTEST: WEIRD DIETS

EVERY ISSUE WE‘LL ROADTEST SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT. THIS MONTH NAOMI RUSSO SHARES A MEAL WITH FRIENDS — FRIENDS WHO HAVE SOME UNUSUAL DIETARY HABITS.

MISSION: TO SHARE A MEAL WITH A NUMBER OF FRIENDS. THE TWIST? THEY ALL HAVE ‘SPECIAL’ EATING REQUIREMENTS. I’M NOT A VERY FUSSY EATER, SO I FIGURED I’D BE ALRIGHT AS LONG AS I HAD PLENTY OF HOT CHILLI SAUCE ON HAND.

THE COELIAC

THE VEGAN

THE DUMPSTER DIVER

THE DIETER

Coeliac disease, or ‘gluten freedom’, as my friend likes to call it, seems to be on the rise. You can’t go to a restaurant without seeing GF on the menu next to the salad options.

It’s a real health issue for some, and a lifestyle choice for others; this particular friend warns me that if she accidentally eats gluten she’ll spend the rest of our brunch date on the toilet. Enough said. I went for a glutenfree brunch thinking it would be easy.

It wasn’t. Gluten-free bread has the consistency of a brick. I was worried I’d break my knife and fork.

To many people, saying you’re a vegan is basically like saying you only wear clothes from India, live in Newtown and never have any fun. In my eyes, being vegan is pretty hardcore dedication to your ethics. You can’t eat at many places, and there are a lot of foods that are off limits. That and your non-vegan friends basically never want to have you over. For a one-off, this meal actually goes okay. I came expecting to only eat salad, but had spread before me a veritable feast of dips and nuts and yummy foods. There was even soft drink.

I lack the discipline to stay on any diet longer than a day. I literally cannot say no to upsizing a meal, to cookie dough or to seconds. Eating with someone on a diet was similar to spending time with an irritable two-year-old. There is just so much she won’t eat. Then she wanted to eat mine. I followed her lead and ordered “a burger, hold the bread and mayonnaise, and chips”.

I basically ordered a salad.

Meal: 3/5. The brunch would have been great if the bread wasn’t actually just a piece of the table broken off and then spread with butter.

Meal: 4/5. I love dips.

Dumpster diving was all over the media for a while, and then faded back into oblivion like an Australian Idol finalist. The concept is based upon taking advantage of our wasteful society. Dumpsters are a ‘free lunch’.

The catch? You have to climb right in there with the rats and cockroaches.

Thankfully I just had to eat the meal, not go digging for it. I ate the foods I assumed would have been found in packets, i.e. the taco shells and the beans. I avoided the lettuce and tomato. It was probably fine but I draw the line at the five second rule, and they certainly sat stewing in the bin longer than that.

Lifestyle: To me it seems impossible; I love dairy too much. In fact, I eat dairy all eleven meals of the day.

Meal: 2.5/5. It was fine, and free, which is an obvious bonus. I felt afraid to eat any of the ‘fresh’ food though.

Lifestyle: No way. Not unless eating gluten made my bowel movements more regular than a prune addict’s.

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RESULT: I HAVE A NEWFOUND RESPECT FOR PEOPLE WHO MAKE DIFFICULT EATING CHOICES FOR ETHICAL OR HEALTH REASONS. PLUS I GOT TO EAT SOME DIFFERENT AND (KIND OF) YUMMY FOODS. THAT SAID, THE NEWLY ENLIGHTENED ME IS LOOKING FORWARD TO HER NEXT MEAL OF ROAST POTATOES, SOUR CREAM AND GLUTEN-

Meal: 2/5. I am starving.

FILLED LASAGNA (ALL INGREDIENTS SOURCED

Lifestyle: While I would like to have washboard abs and teensy thighs, I would also like to eat food containing carbs, sugar and fat. It’s all about balance, and my plate doesn’t look balanced without some chips on the side.

FROM A SHOP; MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR ONLY HAS BEER BOTTLES IN HIS BIN).

Lifestyle: I live in a small suburb with few shops so it isn’t feasible. Oh, and I’m petrified of rats.

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SHOWCASE DOUGLAS WHYTE

CHANGING FACES

Y

ou pull down your faded, blue flexi-fit cap even lower as you walk out onto the crunchy, green surface of the tennis court. You got it two birthdays ago when you were ten, when the style was cool and all the boys had them. Since that birthday it has barely left your head and for some reason you’ve chosen not to upgrade to a trucker cap or even a reversible bucket hat, which are now cooler than the flexi-fit. But you feel good in it and like the way it wraps tightly around your small head. It makes the thin, blonde tufts of hair underneath your ears spread out like tiny wings. You wear the cap low because people always tell you that you frown all the time. Your mother tells you too, but somehow it seems gentler coming from her. As a gesture to those other people, you’ve sculpted an awkward, triangular fold on the cap’s brim. You hope that it’s offensive and will frustrate them because you can’t imagine them folding their perfect, stiff caps like that.

The court is lit up with a thick brightness. You stand near the net because it’s your turn to play in the round robin that happens every Friday night. The air around you is cool and soft and clear. The court is a stage and people from the club are an audience on the balcony. You’re nervous like you’ve always been at tennis. You didn’t want to play at first but your mother said it would be best for you: to help you meet new people and be more social. You haven’t really made many friends yet, but you don’t mind because you’re now obsessed with the game. You’re obsessed with the crisp yellowness of the balls and the way your shoes slip and slide across the itchy grass. You love the back and forth, the softness of volleys and the controlled rage of smashes. Your favourite shot is the slice backhand because of the way it slows down time. And your topspin forehand is among the best of the kids you play against, it’s whippy and strong and pushes through the air with spinning intent. More than anything, you thrive on being alone on the court with nothing but yourself and the person you’re competing against. You like it because it suits you.

But tonight is different because the person you’re playing against is Kristy.

Kristy who you’ve never talked to because you’ve been too shy, too hidden beneath your bent, blue cap. She is your age and acknowledged as a sort of prodigy, the only sponsored player at the club and the one that all the parents talk about. SHE HANGS OUT AT THE CANTEEN WITH OTHER GIRLS AND EATS REDSKINS AND WIZZ FIZZ AND YOU IMAGINE HOW CHALKY HER STRAIGHT, WHITE TEETH MUST BE, HOW STICKY HER LOLLY-MOUTH MUST BE.She doesn’t smile much, like you, but she never frowns.

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As you stand opposite her now, underneath the lights, you can smell the sweet sugar on her breath. She distracts you and you do not feel alone. You shake her hand and can’t help but look at her. Her bleach-blonde hair is pulled impossibly tight away from her forehead, making it look bigger and shinier than it already is. She’s wearing full Nike over her tanned skin and you trace her close fitting polo shirt that presses hard against her small, sporty breasts, down to her white skirt that outlines the solid bulge of her thigh muscles. You’re impressed by the sweatbands on each wrist that are the same colour as the flashy, fluoro yellow tennis shoes she wears on her feet. But you’re confused by the way you’re attracted to her roughness, her plain eyes and strangely thin lips, her muscles and eventually her calloused hand as you grip it in yours. She speaks to you then in a flat, boyish voice. She’s wishing you a good game. She speaks your name; you’re shaken that she even knows it.

You begin to play and realise how quick she is, how fluid her movements are. She serves the ball unnaturally high, too high you think, but swoops down her racquet and smacks the ball hard and clean every time. You believe that she could hit a ball dropped from space. You try hard to keep up with her but she has you scrambling all over the court, from one sideline to the next, sprinting to the net and then back again. You’re trying so hard to get the ball back, and for the most part, you do, but your shots are defensive and you haven’t been allowed the time or space to attack. She is strong and decisive and thinks three steps ahead. You’re worried that you wont be able to use your slice backhand, your favourite shot, the one that could potentially turn the game around. Maybe you’re not as good as you thought you were.

After a long rally, Kristy pushes a big, flat forehand down the line that skids easily past your outstretched racquet. You stop then, crouch low and push your cap down past your nose. You’re sweating and puffing and nervous. Part of you wants to go home right now, for your mother to pick you up and take you away. You’re worried what the people on the balcony think. It feels like a long time before you look up again.

But when you eventually do, you see that Kristy is sweating and puffing as well. Her forehead is shiny and wet and her cheeks are pink and red. You notice a curl in her thin lips. She is smiling. She is bouncing the ball, waiting to serve, waiting for you to stand up and play again. When you do, and she hits an unreachable serve out wide, you relax. You realise that she is a far better tennis player than you are, that she definitely is a prodigy, that she is obsessed with tennis in a way that you don’t quite understand.

When you shake Kristy’s calloused hand at the net again, you wonder what high school she will go to next year and if she’ll be popular because of her tennis skills.

Or if other kids will think she is attractive in the way you do. You wonder if you’ll be popular next year, and if you’ll see Kristy outside of tennis.

As you walk from the court, she is still smiling. You try to do the same. You feel your face change but you don’t know if it’s a good smile or a bad one.

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When asked about the funky fresh new layout of the Level 2 Student Lounge, Clafford said, “She said to turn left at the elevator,” and slipped through a wall into a computer lab to torment some first years who were mindlessly checking their Facebook.

Bon Marche is no stranger to the phenomena of the afterlife. Just last year, three students attempting to finish their tedious group CCIP assignment the day before it was due were struck down with a crippling feeling of impending doom. They could not explain the sensation, beyond feeling that there was a presence watching their every move as they became more and more drunk.

Looking back through the UTS archives, there have also been sightings of a strange creature with red eyes and overgrown claws that lurks in the building’s kitchenettes.

Staff and students claim to have seen the beast slinking in and out, muttering about errant students and PhD theses, and opening and closing the refrigerators for no reason, perhaps searching for its long lost sandwich.

If Clafford knows anything about this hideous fridgefossicker, he does not admit it. “Listen, I’ve got a lot of printers to turn on and off,” he says. “Just turn left at the elevator,” says the ghost, clearly taking the piss. “She said to turn left at the elevator.”

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start buying clothes based on how practical and durable they are. It will be fashion anarchy,” Prada CEO Patrizio Bertelli said.

The song, which includes the lyrics “I’m hella happy/ That’s a bargain bitch”, advocates buying secondhand clothing from thrift shops as a cheap alternative to high fashion.

“It’s disgusting what Macklemore and Lewis are doing. They’re misleading people; they seem to believe you can spend 99 cents on a fur coat and still be fashionable.

This is completely unsubstantiated and is detrimental to the fashion industry. I would almost go so far as to compare it to the Galliano incident,” Bertelli said.

Macklemore and Lewis have denied the allegations, saying ‘Thrift Shop’ was originally intended to be a serious criticism of ”hipster wankers” who buy secondhand clothing in an attempt to look cool.

Meanwhile, thrift shop chain St Vincent de Paul has reported record sales since the song’s release.

“The rise in sales has been a true blessing.

Macklemore and Lewis are clearly modern day Blues Brothers on a mission from God,” said St Vincent de Paul CEO Dr. John Falzon.

“To keep up with the rising demand we’ve actually had to start importing cheap, new clothes from Asia. We’ve soaked them in urine and cabbage juice so they look secondhand.”

So far no lawsuits have been filed against the St Vincent de Paul Society.

The first hearing in High Fashion vs. Hip Hop is expected to take place in late March.

{

he lost city of Atlantis is believed to have been discovered at the UTS Blackfriars Campus in Chippendale. Irma Gerd, a history major, made the claim earlier this week.

“It took me several attempts to find the Blackfriars campus. None of my classmates had ever made it this far.

I almost gave up hope when all I could see were empty buildings and tumbleweed, but upon closer inspection, I became pretty certain I’d found an ancient city.”

Ms Gerd reports that she happened upon the site at 8:50am, on her way to a 9am tutorial. Shortly after making the discovery, she alerted her Twitter followers with tweets such as “pretty sure i just found atlantis, txt it” and “trying to take an instagram pic with the king of atlantis but he keeps telling me he’s the ‘security guard #lame”.

According to legend, Atlantis is thought to be an underwater continent in the Mediterranean, sunken and unseen since 360BC. However, Gerd dismissed suggestions that Blackfriars may not be the lost city by arguing that the campus had “strikingly similar” architecture to “that Disney movie” she once saw.

Historical oceanographer, Dr Nemo, claims that the likelihood of the Blackfriars campus being the lost city is entirely possible, as the structure could have shifted over the course of many years due to continental drift and evaporation from global warming.

At the time of press, Gerd’s claims remain unconfirmed as experts are yet to actually locate the Blackfriars campus themselves.

T

HAVANA LAFF REPORTS

MYTHICAL CITY AT BLACKFRIARS

STUDENT FINDS

We apologise to any individuals, groups or organisations offended by the above attempt at satire.

In no way are the actual contents meant to be taken as factual.

ip hop duo Macklemore and Ryan Lewis are being sued by high-end fashion labels following the release of their number one hit ‘Thrift Shop’. A collective of fashion labels, including Prada, Gucci and Chanel, claim the song has defamed the good name of fashion, causing sales to dramatically drop.

“If people like Macklemore continue writing music like this soon people might stop spending thousands of dollars on a handbag and caring about trends. They might even

H

WALTER LEHMANN WRITES

SUED FOR DEFAMATION

MACKLEMORE

ngoing renovations in Building 3 have had an effect on both the living and the dead. The building’s overhaul, which began last year, has done little to ease the passage of Bon Marche’s seemingly permanent spectral presence, who though often lost or offended by décor choices, still manages an annoying routine of turning printers on and off when least convenient.

When asked why he chooses to remain in the building despite the constant noise, former full-time student and now full-time dead person, Grant Clafford explained, “I’m looking for my tutor’s office. She said to turn left at the elevator.”

Renovations are set to continue in the coming months, but Clafford is determined to remain in Bon Marche. “She said she shared an office with three other people, but there were only two desks, so they had to share, but she would be here on Monday. She said to turn left at the elevator…”

While the renovations have made things difficult for him over the holidays, Clafford insists that he will miss the old Bon Marche with its stiff, old chairs positioned arbitrarily along corridors and signs that indicate offices apparently located left of the elevator (when in fact an onerous journey must be undertaken to find them).

O

JOCELYN VON SNATCH INVESTIGATES

EXCLUSIVE

BON MARCHE OVERHAUL FURTHER DISORIENTATES GHOST

Just like the Daily Telegraph, only crunchy.

Defamer

the

MUSIC THAT MAKES YOU FEEL

E L I Z A G O E T Z E CHATS TO EDWARD LYONS, AKA EMBASSY, ABOUT HIS MUSICAL ENDEAVOURS, PLUS HIS LOVE FOR PETE ROCK, SHLOHMO AND EVERY ARTIST IN BETWEEN.

“

Y

ou’ll hear some rapping, but then there’s the delicacy of the female vocal…”

I’m sitting outside a café in Glebe with headphones on.

Edward Lyons is educating me about electronic music. This man is bursting with ideas and energy. He’s been talking for two hours and shows no signs of slowing. Sometimes he holds his hands in the air or shuts his eyes tightly as he’s trying to express himself, as though his brain is moving faster than his mouth. It’s the same with his music. “There’s a certain point when words fail,” he says.

Lyons goes by the name of Embassy. In illustrated form, Embassy is monochrome images of a cold, gritty New York, of the Empire State building and of graffiti and vast record stores: these photographs inspired him to embark on this project. The music is a sparse, delicate mix of samples— on paper, that’s kind of where the ability to summarise it ends.

There are the songs where he tops shimmering piano and quivering classical strings with drum beats from old funk vinyls to create instrumentals that build over your head and inside your ribcage (‘Night Bus From Washington’ and ‘Brave Eyes’).

Sometimes vocals become the focus, as in ‘Cold Comfort’, featuring Chiara Kim, and the band’s cover of ‘Twice’ by Little Dragon, which leaves the lyrics echoing around your brain. Then there’s hip hop. Not so much from the present day, he clarifies, but old school hip hop, inspired first by Pete Rock; his remix of the 90s classic ‘They Reminisce Over You’ inserts that smooth female vocal over the instrumental breaks between verses.

Oh yeah, and he’s working on a remix of Rihanna.

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In his own words, his tastes are eclectic, but he sees diversity as an asset. In primary school, living on a rock diet of Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Powderfinger, Lyons took to the bass guitar.

Then in high school, his music teacher gave him his first jazz CD and he discovered “another world” of improvisation and spontaneity. He now plays weddings and jazz festivals in a trio with his brother.

Lyons is also heading to the studio soon to record an EP with his indie band, Harriet Whiskey Club.

But a year ago, five weeks living with a “very cool” producer friend in New York City pushed him down a different path. “I thought, when I get back to Sydney, I’m going to give this a go.”

Lyons is a 22-year-old UTS law student and overachiever. He was Musical Director of the Law Revue last year, he plays in the Army Reserve big band and a jazz trio, he teaches music, he plays soccer, and he works at a bar. He probably does more in one day than most of us do in a week, so it was no big deal to add another thing to his schedule.

Lyons stands out from the legion of “button pushers” who populate the Sydney electronic scene. His live show sees him play keyboards and bass guitar, whilst his brother drums on an electric pad, and two of his friends get on board with piano and vocals. “I started going to gigs and going, well, I like this music, this is good, but there’s nothing ‘live’ about this…quite often the body language is quite isolating; they’re not aware the audience is there. Seeing someone playing piano live, and drumming live, and that group element, for me —and maybe because of my background— that’s what ‘live’ means.” The idea of ‘delicacy’ comes from the way he produces.

Electronic music, with all the control it offers, is a new challenge for Lyons. With electronic music, the foundation — chords, beats, melodies — can be laid out relatively quickly, but then it’s the little details — fine tuning, polishing sounds— that, for him, take the most effort. “I find it so easy to do the first 85 percent of the song, and so hard to do the last 15,” the selfdescribed perfectionist admits.

Embassy’s influences include Bonobo, James Blake and SBTRKT, Mt Kimbie, Shlohmo and Oddisee. Lyons asks me about my own listening habits and has an opinion on everyone, from Jay-Z (“he’s an enigmatic character”) to Chet Faker (“Chet, if you’re reading this, here’s your next support act”) and fellow local electronic act Albatross (“they are at the top tier of the local scene”). His listening habits today are a mad mix of every genre mentioned so far, and then some. “Having that diverse understanding is what I really began to appreciate in other people.”

And in turn, an ability to play a variety of styles is where the value lies for him as a musician. But versatility in a successful artist (unless you count Vanilla Ice as successful) is a rare thing these days, and it’s a situation that disappoints him. “With most producers, I guess you’re aiming to create your own style. To not even have your name said, that’s the ultimate aim,” Lyons acknowledges. “To do that effectively though, you need to give yourself a few restrictions. Like, some painters are really well known for their landscapes or their realism. Not many are known for how well they do everything. For me, trying to blend hip hop, which has different characteristics to faster paced dance music or ambient stuff, you can’t squish everything into every song.”

lyrics territory. But “when you approach something from an instrumental point of view, it can be interpreted in so many different ways… I’m influenced by other music, and how that makes me feel, and how I can give that feeling to someone else through something of my own… When you realise you can have that through something of your own creating, you can impact on people, it’s addictive…if they can find a purpose in it, that satisfaction is enormous. I would take that over a record deal.” No record deals yet, but he has made people feel things.

They’ve sent him emails telling him so. “I’ve saved them… I would probably frame them!”

The track he’s about to show me is by One Room, a mysterious producer who exists only on Soundcloud and earned a following from his sporadic, anonymous releases. The idea of cult success redefined by the internet age is a concept that fascinates Lyons, who is baffled by his overseas audience.

“So many weird things have happened.”

Thanks to the internet, his music has been used by an ad company in Boston and an architectural firm in Queensland.

The clip for Twice “got put up on some Ukrainian website, and then some other weird Eastern European blog – like, how does that even happen?”

“I’m getting about six thousand plays a week,” he says incredulously, “And when you wake up one morning and there’s been a thousand hits overnight, you know something’s happened.”

But none of it compares to the “high risk, high reward” thrill of live performance. “The live show, for me, is the point of all the hours in the bedroom… A live audience cheering after one

TO HAVE A LISTEN TO EMBASSY, CHECK OUT: HTTP://SOUNDCLOUD.COM/EMBASSY-1 The solution to this dilemma presented itself in an old school strategy: the mixtape. As well as being a low-risk option —“If you release an all-original EP, because you’re standing alone, there’s a fair amount of judgment that’s going to fall on you… I feel like I’m not quite ready for that”— it gives him the freedom to express himself. “I think of it more as a body of work, rather than the need to sell myself as an artist based off one type of song. That’s how the Weeknd got discovered. Each song [on the mixtape] might not be immediately identifiable as him, yet as a body of work it represented what he stood for as an artist.”

The common thread through Embassy may lie in his description on Soundcloud, “music that makes you feel”.

Cliché breakup songs tend to lend themselves to guitar-and-

of your songs, or even just seeing people nodding along to your music…that beats the whole online thing of watching your plays and your downloads go up.”

His relatively rare real-instrument setup has “sort of been my biggest ace up my sleeve at the moment, because it requires a degree of skill that you can’t learn quickly… And because I had that already there, it was playing to my strengths, really.”

The classic struggle between musical success and authenticity is at the front of his mind. “Why do I have all these different philosophies to everyone else? Is it because you have to compromise these things in order to be successful? I guess to me at the moment, not having an enormous following, I haven’t got a lot to lose.”

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A CHALLENGE FOR CHANGE THE UTS BUILD STUDENT SOCIETY WENT TO CAMBODIA TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE LESS FORTUNATE. THEY SHARE THEIR EXPERIENCE.

A group of UTS students raised an incredible $50,000 for the Oaktree Foundation this summer by cycling and trekking across Cambodia on a 12 day adventure that involved building schools for children, as well as a little bit of sightseeing.

In November 2011, the BUiLD (Beyond UTS International Leadership Development) Student Society were seeking a new and exciting way to engage with their members through leadership training: one that involved a physical challenge, and would help a charity. The society hoped to provide an opportunity for members to travel abroad while simultaneously challenging them physically, emotionally and mentally, and so contacted Inspired Adventures to see if their dream to make a difference could come true. After a few months of negotiation and consultation with Inspired Adventures and the Oaktree Foundation, the BUiLD Student Society officially launched Challenge for Change in April 2012 and was overwhelmed by support from the UTS community.

A team of 17 students were chosen to embark on this trip of a lifetime. They began an eight month journey, reaching out to their networks and coordinating events like bake sales, movie nights and a gala dinner to hit their fundraising targets. They also started training and preparing their bodies for the gruelling physical component of the trip.

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CHALLENGE FOR CHANGE PARTICIPANT, WILSON KWONG, REFLECTS UPON THE EXPERIENCE: The lead up to the trip was a huge learning curve. We weren’t just going to Cambodia for two weeks; we had, ahead of us, an eight month journey just to get there! It made our trip feel that much more worthwhile because we’d worked so hard for it beforehand.

Finally on January 15, after a final push for donations and some last minute cycles and practice treks, we boarded a plane bound for Cambodia, anticipating 12 days of new experiences, challenges and lessons. Nine hours later, we landed in the hot and humid capital of Cambodia, Phnom Penh. We were instantly bombarded by the overwhelming smell of the streets, the sound of honking motorbikes and the sights of a city developing at a rapid pace. After checking into our accommodation, the team ventured onto the streets to get a taste of the capital, and celebrate the beginning of the adventure with Cambodia’s infamously cheap cocktails.

On the first day we learnt about Cambodia’s dark history as we visited the Tuol Sleng Prison and the Killing Fields, sites used during the Cambodian Genocide under the Pol Pot Regime in the late 1970s. Although their tales were harrowing, we were inspired by the genocide survivors.

For us, they symbolised the hope Cambodia has in moving forward, and that hope painted a positive picture of the country we were about to explore.

The next day we dived headfirst into the biggest physical challenge of our trip — a 92km cycle between Phnom Penh and our next stop, Battambang. We nervously hopped on the bikes, adjusted our seats and started off on a long day of biking down endless roads and past rice paddy fields. As the sun blazed down, we pedalled to the same rhythm and cheered as we reached daily milestones — our first 20km, the big 50km and finally the epic 92km just before sunset.

For me especially, just a regular guy who isn’t super fit and ‘doesn’t lift’, that sense of accomplishment was the best feeling.

I’ll never forget the confused glances from the locals as we weaved our way through their rice paddies. They would yell out to our tour guides, “Is your car broken? Why are you all walking?” I don’t think you’ve truly seen Cambodia until you’ve spent a few days walking through it; the contrast between the dry plains and the wet rice paddies, the tireless labour of mothers and fathers, and the cheeky playfulness of the children was truly wonderful to behold. We slept in home stays and a Buddhist monastery over the next few days, soaking up the simplicity of rural Cambodian life and its beautiful sense of community. One of the best examples of this occurred on one of our last days in Cambodia— a huge loud speaker was brought into one of the home stays for an epic dance party. We clapped, twirled, boogied and shimmied for three hours with children and families from the local community; we even got to enjoy a bit of ‘Gangnam Style’ too (a Cambodian favourite!).

Another highlight was our building project, where we worked on constructing a new home for a family of seven in the Kien Sangker community. The family’s home had been ruined after years of flooding and torrential rains. They were in serious need of an upgrade! Despite our limited construction and painting experience, our group put up three walls, the floor and painted the entire house in two days. Not only was it incredibly rewarding for us, but it will also hopefully bring years of happiness and protection to the family.

We finished up our trip at the spectacular Angkor Wat, exploring the magnificent temple site on bikes. One morning we woke up at 5am to see the sunlight pour over Angkor’s arches in vibrant reds, pinks and oranges. Watching the sublime beauty of the temples at sunrise seemed a perfect way to cap off the incredible two weeks of meeting amazing people and exploring a beautiful country. We know the people we’ve met, and memories and experiences we shared on this adventure will stay with us for life.

YOU CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT THE BUILD STUDENT SOCIETY AND THEIR EXCITING PLANS FOR 2013 VIA THEIR FACEBOOK, WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ BUILDSTUDENTSOCIETY

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IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? GIG

FILM

MUSIC

THEATRE

PHOTO: BRETT BOARDMAN

CLOUD NOTHINGS The Annandale Hotel is an exceptional venue, but putting Cloud Nothings and Violent Soho on a double bill in its tiny little band room was probably not the best idea. Before the music started you could have sliced the testosterone in the air with a knife, so by the time Violent Soho actually made it to the stage the combination of heat and aggressive joy was so intense that it was a miracle no one passed out.

Violent Soho provided a thrashy wall of noise that sent the first four rows into a frenzy. ‘Jesus Stole My Girlfriend’ was a highlight but ‘Muscle Junkie’ got the biggest audience response, with most of the Annandale screaming along to “Fuck you! Fuck you! I hate your face!” They finished up by politely requesting that the audience share their weed, which (mercifully) was about the extent of between-song banter for the evening.

Though at this point it seemed impossible for the audience to get any sweatier, Cloud Nothings managed to make everyone move just that little bit more. As ‘Fall In’ started, the front half of the room deteriorated into a flailing mass of limbs, with the skinny legs of foolhardy crowd surfers silhouetted against red stage-lights.

There is something wonderful about hearing a band play an entire album, especially one as good as Attack on Memory. Every song was met with enthusiasm, as audience members recognised all their favourites, but the rather bleak ‘No Future/No Past’ seemed to unify the room. The main refrain, “I thought I would be more than this”, probably said more about the crowd than the band.

All up, the show was excellent despite the sweat. One can only hope that the next time Cloud Nothings come out the venue is a little bigger and a little better ventilated.

- ALEX JOHNSON

ANNA KARENINA The Russians hate it. In their eyes, director Joe Wright reduces Leo Tolstoy’s weighty masterpiece into a two-hour comic melodrama. He races through the story, replacing the heart and soul of the novel with scenes of lust and passion, set against stylised sets and ostentatious costuming.

For those who know the love story and expected another lush period drama from this third Wright-Knightley collaboration (Pride and Prejudice, Atonement), Anna Karenina seems shockingly farcical, jarring and chaotic, at least for the first half an hour. But it’s also fresh and dynamic, an original take on a story that’s been adapted many times.

This all makes sense once the credits roll and you see the name of the revered playwright, Tom Stoppard (Rosencratz and Guildenstern are Dead) under ‘Screenplay by’. Witty, metaphilosophical and painfully self-conscious, this is the Stoppardian Anna Karenina. Pass the vodka.

Keira Knightley is okay as the restless title character, driven to ruin by her passionate affair with a dashing military officer. She’s got the whole yearning, desperado shtick down and she looks smashing in her costumes (it’s worth watching just for the fashion!). Karenina is an arresting and achingly beautiful heroine and Knightley makes you care about her.

Aaron Taylor Johnson is less successful as Count Vronsky, Karenina’s lover, a blonde poodle of a man, prancing around in blue epaulets. Jude Law inspires the most sympathy in his role as Karenina’s stoic cuckolded husband.

Wright’s Anna Karenina is a visually splendid film, however its fixation on the glittering tragedy of a love affair and the exclusion of Tolstoy’s subplots means it lacks the story’s moral essence. This is not the epic all-encompassing adaptation fans had hoped for, and falls short of being a post-modernist triumph.

- FRANCES MAO

MBV - MY BLOODY VALENTINE Following over two decades of silence from ‘90s shoegaze icons My Bloody Valentine, mbv has been released. I’ve been waiting in anticipation; granted, I only discovered My Bloody Valentine a year ago, so I imagine there are ears out there much more eager than mine.

Listening to the album alone in my room, I initially felt exhilaration; it reminded me of a time when a boyfriend of mine would play his guitar over loop pedals in our tiny studio apartment, filling the spaces with an expansive sonicuniverse. While listening to it with a friend, however, I found that mbv almost entirely references previous My Bloody Valentine albums. ‘Only Tomorrow’ is a washed out tribute to ‘Sometimes’; ‘Who Sees You’ gestures towards ‘Only Shallow’ with its hypnotic drones.

My Bloody Valentine’s previous album, Loveless, released 22 years ago, is an oft-cited musical turning point for many individuals. Unfortunately, I doubt mbv’s effect on fresh listeners will have the same; that’s sad to think about. I hoped their comeback would have made a more lasting impression.

I would have liked to think that returning to a first love would be like a spiritual awakening, not just nostalgia.

That’s not to say that mbv is a bad album— it’s not. But when compared to the previous heartbreaking and earthshattering records of a band that has always been way ahead of its time, it falls short. It does come close to the sensual qualities of Loveless, however in its quieter beauty it is more of a sequel than another masterpiece.

- SANDY SAROUNI

DREAMS IN WHITE Dreams in White is a modern parable of lost morality in the face of materialism. Writer Duncan Graham urges us to take a good, hard look in the mirror instead of turning a blind eye towards the peculiarities that exist beneath the façade of contemporary suburban life.

Based on true events, Graham’s Dreams in White reveals the scandalous secrets related to the disappearance of wealthy businessman, Michael Devine. His fast-paced, nonlinear script jumps between different times and locations, keeping the audience guessing until the very end. Graham writes that his script is not meant to be a “truthful” representation of events. Rather, he was interested in exploring a society that drives people to lead double lives.

This thriller is all the more chilling as the relationships portrayed are entirely recognisable: the awkward yet underlying bond of love between a father and daughter, the boisterous relationship between loud-mouthed partners, and the decaying marriage of a middle class couple searching for change.

What really resonates is what unifies each character.

Regardless of age, background, wealth or power, each character is searching for something or someone to guide them through the complexities of modern life. Graham’s brave confrontation of modern day issues exposes innate fears of judgment while he “searches for volatility: a poetic and political theatre that allows the darkness outside the edges of authenticity to disturb our view”.

You could not have asked for more from the first collaboration between Graham and director Tanya Goldberg.

The performances were arresting, and this haunting tale leaves you questioning how well you really know those closest to you. A must see this season.W Dreams in White is showing from February 8 – March 23 at Griffin Theatre, Darlinghurst.

- SARAH CHRISTIE

BORED STUPID?!

IN CELEBRATION OF ST PATRICK’S DAY ON MARCH 17, RESIDENT ASTROLOGIST MAIREAD ARMSTRONG CHANNELS HER IRISH HERITAGE AND UNDENIABLE TALENT FOR GETTING COMPLETELY SHITFACED. SLÁINTE! *

PISCES 18 Feb- 20 March

The stars tell us that Pisces have addictive personalities. You’re the person who starts out having a quiet pint at the local pub and ends up getting arrested for attempting to strangle a leprechaun with a tea towel. Don’t lose yourself too much this birthday month.

CANCER 20 May – 21 June

Don’t let depressing thoughts get you down this month Cancerians. You’re a comfort drinker, never admittedly intoxicated, just “tired and emotional”.

Let’s face it, people find you a bit of a downer, but don’t be tempted to drown your sorrows and write angry, drunken poetry about your ex.

ARIES

LEO

20 March– 19 April

22 July – 22 Aug

Your competitive streak guarantees you’ll be found in some form of bourbondrinking/meat-eating competition. But beware, your impulsive nature means you often don’t know when to call it a night. Come on Aries, there’s only so long you can hide out at the Glasshouse.

TAURUS 19 April – 20 May

Taureans prefer to drink at a leisurely pace. You’re the type who puts time and effort into your drunkenness. Sure, it’ll make for a really rad Instagram shot initially, but the logistics of extracting jelly from tiny glasses will end up making you look messy, long before you feel it.

GEMINI 20 May – 21 June

Do you drink without changing your behaviour much? Or are you just always drunk? Either way, Gemini’s naturally chatty behaviour is starting to get on people’s nerves. Spend a little less time hanging out in Victoria Park drinking goon and a little more taking part in that group assignment.

You think you’re pretty Mexi-cool drinking those Tequila-apples in the same bar every weekend. But as the planets cluster this month, Leos can expect a boost in their love life. That’s right, all those drunk, inappropriate texts to your favourite bartender and tabletop dance moves are finally paying off.

LIBRA 22 Sept – 23 Oct

You tell everyone the reason you’re on the house vodka cranberries is because they’re low in calories and are your best bet at getting annihilated, fast, without breaking the rules of your latest fad diet. You aren’t fooling anyone. We all know you have a UTI.

SAGIT TARIUS 22 Nov – 21 Dec

The drink of choice for Sagittarians is cider— the sweet, refreshing nectar of the hipster. Yes, you may have to have fifteen Rekorderligs before you feel any sort of effect, but once you do, you guys make great drunken conversation and an even better (albeit bloated) booty call later on.

CAPRICORN 21 Dec – 20 Jan

The celestial magnetism of Uranus makes Capricorns practical, independent beings. They insist on bringing tinnies of VB to every social occasion, then attempt to convince us it’s because they enjoy the taste. They’re actually just stingy as hell.

Go easy; this is their social lubricant.

AQUARIUS 20 Jan – 18 Feb

Aquarians, when it comes to a night out, your friends only appreciate you being there when you’re holding their hair back or driving them home. You seem to always “have work early the next day”.

Loosen up and stop pretending those two Guava Cruisers are getting you inebriated. They aren’t.

SCORPIO 23 Oct – 22 Nov

Don’t bother trying to tell a Scorpian that they’ve had enough. You’re the ones still boasting about the “twentyfive Jägerbombs you had last night”, or downing a whole bottle of Passion Pop, despite no longer being sixteen years old. Stop the carbonated bubbles flowing like it’s Hyde Park circa 2006.

*VIRGO GOT BLACK-OUT DRUNK AT THE HOROSCOPE CHRISTMAS PARTY AND HAD TO BE SENT HOME. WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FREE.

Play Sudoku and win prizes

38 /

/ ISSUE 2

at:

prizesudoku.com

The Sudoku Source of

“Vertigo”.

ISSUE 2 /

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SA REPORTS

THE BURNING CRANE EDITION

LYNDAL BUTLER PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENT ASSOCIATION

SA REPORTS

LUCY BONANNO EDUCATION VICE PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION

Hey there, I hope by now you’re settled into study and are enjoying yourself as you balance (or perhaps juggle) uni work, workwork and your raging social life. The likelihood is that your assignments aren’t too intense right now and you currently feel as though the exams or major assessments of Week 14 are forever away (you should be studying though, those exams creep up like a stealthy panther).

You’ve probably noticed online, or maybe as you flicked through TV channels, that this year is a federal election year.

Personally, I like to celebrate this occasion by taking a drink every time Tony Abbott mentions ‘carbon tax’ or ‘stop the boats’.

But seriously, this is a big year for all of us because our education is under threat. Here are just a few terrifying proposals on the table for the election.

Deregulation of HECS fees A number of university Vice Chancellors and prominent figures around the country have expressed their support for deregulated HECS fees. This would mean that the government cap on fees would be lifted and that universities could charge what they like for their degrees. The most likely outcome would be that fees increase, placing further debt on university graduates.

Student housing Housing safety and affordability are lacking in student accommodation services around the country.

Youth allowance and student support payments Labor MP Jenny Mackin has stated that living on $35 a day was more than enough and Opposition spokesperson, Brett Mason, has confirmed that the Coalition will cut student support payments, including the Student Startup Scholarship. Rolling back youth allowance and student support payments mean that only those students from wealthy backgrounds will be able to afford to go to university.

There is a lot of power in the student vote. Previously the Howard government made it as hard as possible for young people to enrol to vote. The politicians are scared of our ability to impact the election outcome, so we should be able to influence their policy decisions.

So my question for you is, are you enrolled to vote? Have you looked up the policies of the different political parties to decide where your vote should go? I know you’ve heard it many times (and you’re probably sick of it), but your vote counts.

Politicians form policies and make decisions that affect our lives, so we have to make them listen. Get involved in our National Day of Action— a nation-wide protest against the deregulation of course fees and cuts to our education. It’ll be on March 27. Don’t miss it! You can find out more by reading Lucy Bonanno’s EVP report.

Catch you around campus soon!

EMAIL: sapresident2013@uts.edu.au

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Let’s talk about the National Day of Action (NDA). On the NDA all universities affiliated with the National Union of Students (NUS) will be holding their own rallies and protests in major cities across the country. But before we get into what will be happening, let’s cover why.

Education is important. I’m assuming you know this, being at university and all. It’s important that we leave UTS with far more than just a piece of paper. We should leave with the knowledge and skills necessary to be brilliant at what we do. While studying, you should expect to be given time and help from your professors. You should expect a wide variety of classes to further your understanding in your area of study. You should also expect education at a reasonable price. I doubt you’ll find any politician or university bigwig that would disagree. However, universities nationwide have been letting standards slip.

Macquarie University, the University of Sydney, La Trobe University, the University of Wollongong and many more are starting to cut subjects, and in extreme cases, whole courses (such as Honours). These tend to be the subjects that don’t earn the university thousands of dollars, or produce PhD studies that are published in prestigious journals.

UTS has not been immune from these changes. Most of your tutors, lab instructors and even some lecturers are classified as casual staff. If you can’t get a hold of your Cell Bio instructor before your exams, it’s probably because she’s working another job and doesn’t get paid to answer emails.

During the flu season you may have noticed your Ideas in History tutor come into class with his nose running, only to promptly collapse on his desk. This is most likely because he doesn’t get sick leave and can’t afford to lose his job.

Perhaps you’re a second or third year student and have noticed that your science or maths degree has doubled in cost this year (a government change, not a university decision), or perhaps you’ve seen the massive decrease in the hours that language students get to actually practise (a university ruling).

UTS, and all universities, are trying to cover costs. But what we need is more funding, so no university has to choose between degrees, subjects, courses, tutors, lecturers and research.

This is why it is important to join the protest at the NDA on March 27. This may be the only opportunity you get during your time at uni to join a national force, picketing for something that affects you personally. So come for the free brekkie that Wednesday morning, stay to listen to the yelling of some of your favourite lecturers, and then march (because chanting with hundreds of people from all universities and TAFEs across Sydney is loads of fun!).

EMAIL: lucille.bonanno@gmail.com

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COLLECTIVES

RUDI BREMER UTS INDIGENOUS OFFICER

ALISON WHITTAKER UTS WOM*N’S OFFICER

In the first edition of Vertigo, there was a misprint; the Indigenous Collective was mistakenly said to have an ‘Indigenous Space’. While it may be true that Indigenous students are able to access Jumbunna’s student facilities, this is not an entirely autonomous space.

To many people this might seem like a small thing to quibble over, but the fact is autonomous spaces serve a particular purpose. As a marginalised minority (both in society and academia) it’s important for us, as Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander students, to have a space where we are able to simply be, completely unobserved by nonIndigenous people.

Jumbunna provides this to some degree, although the very nature of it being a facility run by university staff is, in some cases, a deterrent. In the context of the Indigenous Collective, we attempt to maintain a mutually beneficial relationship but one that is ultimately separate and distinct from Jumbunna. This is sometimes difficult as we often end up using Jumbunna facilities for meetings and events out of necessity.

Now I’m not saying we’re going to begin occupying a room anytime soon, but if we were I hear the Vertigo office is about to get new computers…

The Wom*n’s Collective, like all Collectives and like a great deal of UTS campuses, is forever under construction.

However, luckily for all wom*n-identifying students, this construction is making way for a bunch of new and exciting things.

We have already held the launch of our Naming Banner for International Wom*n’s Day. This banner contains the names, pictures and stories of wom*n who have helped us individually and as a politic. We thank all those who made it beautiful and possible. The banner is available for viewing or for adding a name to at your leisure.

We have regular meetings at the Broadway campus in our Wom*n’s Room. Keep an ear out for times, which are yet to be determined. These meetings will sometimes be administrative, and at other times will be facilitated open forums on issues important to members of the Collective.

These are part of a much larger push to ensure that the Collective is accessible to all wom*n, and also to ensure that we maintain our awareness of the intersections of feminism and other ‘isms’.

Do not despair, our Kuring-Gai s*sters! We have some passionate wom*n on your campus who are willing and excited to kick things off. Be sure to join our Facebook group to see all the updates. The current model is to meet for coffee and organise in this way until we get on our feet.

Come join us in any way you can, or drop us an email.

Let’s keep building upon the foundations that wom*n have laid before us.

EMAIL: indig.at.uts@gmail.com

EMAIL: utswomenscollective@gmail.com

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