Five Reasons Why They Can’t Hear You And What You Must Do To Get Heard Reason 1. BS Yes, this stands for ‘Belief Systems’ (BS) although many people think BS stands for something else. And that is exactly what this is all about. When someone has an opinion opposite or different to ours, we stop listening, go inside our heads and think “That’s just their BS.” Sometimes we don’t even wait until they’ve finished talking, we cut in because we are so determined to tell them the ‘right’ way, which is our way of course. “You haven’t even been listening!” the other person shouts, and they are right. Your mind is like a parachute, it has to be open to work. Solution: Acknowledge Their BS And LISTEN To be heard, first you must hear. Everyone has their own BS–acknowledge it … they could be right! This means you must really hear what the other has to say; your life could depend on it. Okay, if not your life, perhaps an important relationship, or perhaps the success of your business or career could be at stake. Do not continue tapping away on your keyboard, or texting, or drifting off into your own inner world–listen! If you don’t listen, you may never find out what that person had to say in that one critical moment, and you might live to regret that decision. To truly listen, make eye contact with the other person, unfold your arms, nod when you agree and respect their right to be heard. Don’t interrupt; your turn will come.
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Reason 2. Fluff Yes, fluff! Fluff is the technical term for the use of multiple words when three would have done the job. Fluff often happens when we are not quite sure of what it is we want to say. So the words fall out of our mouth, some we may wish we had never uttered. When conversations are difficult to follow, when it seems like we are meandering up another garden path, we are making it difficult to be heard. Solution: Get Rid of Fluff And Get CLEAR Know what your point is; if you don’t, they won’t! Dreading a significant or strategic conversation is a useless strategy, here’s a better one: Take the time to write down your core message in 25 words or less (preferably less). This strategy will not only give you crystal clarity, it will keep you on the right path and help them see you point. ___________________________________________________________________________ Reason 3. Tone Talk The tone is the real meaning of your message “It’s not what he said, it’s how he said it!” Often, we can’t even remember what it was he said; we were busy thinking how dare he talk to me like that! Albert Mehrabian’s communication model identifies 38% of the meaning of our message, when experiencing emotion or an attitude, is dictated by our tone of voice. The scary thing is most people are not aware of their tone of voice, not at all. You cannot afford to be one of those who are not aware. Solution: Develop Tonal AWARENESS To be tonally aware you have to listen–to yourself! To do this, record your voice and get a shock when you hear that ‘not quite you’ voice when played back. This is how other people hear you so go right ahead, make a five minute recording of your voice and then listen to it. Also, start to notice other people’s reactions when you speak. This will give you valuable feedback on the tone of your voice. Or be gutsy enough to ask for ‘straight to my face’ feedback from someone you feel will honestly do so. ___________________________________________________________________________
Reason 4. Face Facts If you have a grumpy face yet protest you are happy inside, you need to tell your face! Instant judgements are made based on how your face is perceived; so what are people seeing in your face? This one is a big factor in how receptive others will be to your message. Solution: LOOK in The Mirror Could your mouth do with a slight turn-up at the corners? Get the tip when people say you don’t look happy; this might be the most comfortable way for them to tell you how they perceive your facial expression. I am not saying to walk around with a smile on your face all day, which would be silly (besides, you’d scare people). You can choose to have a more ‘open’ facial expression, which will make you much less scary and people will be more able to listen. An ‘open’ facial expression is when you ‘lighten up’ not looking so ‘dark’ meaning no furrowed brows, thin, tight lips or clenched jaw. ___________________________________________________________________________
Reason 5. Abstract Language We tend to use abstract language when speaking about something we are knowledgeable in. When the CEO says to her staff they must strive to “maximise shareholder value”, what exactly does that mean? Notice people will nod their head wisely so the CEO thinks the picture in her head is exactly the same as the picture her staff now have in their head. It is only later she finds out they heard ‘AXC’ when she’d said ‘ABC’. Sound familiar? Many mission statements use abstract language and that is why few people can remember them let alone have their hearts and minds guided by them. Mission statements are coded in the language of senior management, which often has little value or ‘gut gripping’ meaning for the rest of the team. Here is a great example of the type of mission statement we are used to: “To become the international leader in the space industry through maximum team-centred innovation and strategically targeted aerospace initiatives.” Thank goodness John F Kennedy actually said “To put a man on the moon and return him safely by the end of the decade.” Team members knew exactly what the mission was and their part in achieving the goal. This is a perfect example of using concrete language.
Solution: Use CONCRETE language If you can examine it with your senses, it’s concrete. Concrete language puts people on common ground. ‘World class customer service’ is abstract; ‘A team member ironing a customer’s shirt’ is concrete. We can ‘see’ that, heck some of us can even remember doing that! Saying “She is lazy!” is abstract therefore open to the listener’s interpretation, based on their experiences of ‘lazy’ people. Challenge yourself by asking what it is you see or hear that causes you to think she is lazy. Ask a friend or colleague how they think a person would need to behave to be judged as ‘lazy’. You may well be surprised at their interpretation. Using stories to illustrate an important point or moral is an age-old method of passing down knowledge. Additionally, stories use concrete language, which increases the chance of everyone getting your message. Concrete language is a universal language that everyone can understand. Decide to become very good at using it.