Kumar published his first book on poems in Tamil in 2014. He has also authored three coffee table books on Sundarban, Darjeeling and Rabindra Sarovar and an English thriller novel, ‘Frozen Waves.’ Thisbook, his first book, an anthology of English poems, titled ‘they she & i’ explores minds and voids, attempting to take the readers through various mundane as well as exciting subjects in his characteristic lucid style. Many of his poems have also been translated in Hindi. Kumar was conferred a Knighthood by the Italian government.
they she & i poems by sampath kumar
they, she & i First edition Price: Rs.250/US $ : 10.00 Š 2017 Srinivasan Sampath Kumar All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher at the address below. Srinivasan Sampath Kumar P 590 Purna Das Road Kolkata 700029 West Bengal, India ISBN No: 978-93-5268-304-8 Printed in 2017 by Jim Jees 201 Sarat Bose Road, Kolkata 700020 West Bengal, India Cover and layout design by Vinita Kumar
preface I was always a writer activist, voicing against many aberrations in the society and on current affairs, in the pseudonym intrépide voix - fearless voice. I had also written a novel and texts for many of my coffee table books, sticking always to the traditional style and form of writing. I took to writing poems in the last five years to primarily present my thoughts in an unbridled manner, often on many maladies afflicting our society, and secondly to experiment on the freedom of expression. Thus entered my life into the world of poems. With social networking poetry sites providing a ready platform, I could share my poems instantly around the world. The encouragement I received has resulted as the first book of my poems in your hand now. I tried to present the poems ‘vers libre,’ unfettering every kind of burden, doing away with, or using miserly the capitalizations and normal punctuations, placing them before you in a bare and raw form and style, allowing you to sculpt a shape of the symbolic substance all by yourself. I challenged myself to spontaneously react to maladies and adversities that I, we, witness often reacting with despair or anger, that reflects in many of the poems. Most subjects, be it killings in Peshawar, or Paris, or the present day trauma of women and the poor, reflect my innermost and true feelings. I could cross barriers, pervade the human mind and soul, from an infant girl being killed, a surrogate mother, a transgender, a woman raped
or stoned to death, a farmer’s suffering, to inert objects, to even explore the emotions of a withering leaf, or jasmines, and express their feelings of joy and sorrow. A part is autobiographical too, as a distressed poet. I must express my gratitude to Mrs. Gomathy Venkateshwar, Mrs. Sipra Bhattacharya and Mrs. Supriya Banerjee (Rabindra Bharati University) for editing my poems and helping me bring out this volume. Your comments, criticisms would enrich my knowledge in my future attempts in the field. Thank you, Sampath Kumar Kolkata, 2017
contents
they she & i
1. preface..........iii
chapter i my words and i
2. a poet’s soul..........2 3. a retired teacher..........4 4. i am not a poet..........6 5. ignored..........8 6. indomitable..........9 7. intolerance..........10 8. my pen..........12 9. my words..........14 10. passing times..........16 11. poets meet..........18 12. salvaged..........20 13. superannuation..........22 14. the forgotten fountain pen..........23 15. the harsh truth..........24 16. the last poem..........25 17. the power of words..........26 18. world poetry day..........28 19. world poets day..........30
chapter ii romance and love
20. a flower’s tale..........32 21. are you the one..........34 22. candy boy’s candid tale..........36
23. close in my heart..........38 24. dream girl..........39 25. first love..........40 26. holi – the festival of colours..........41 27. lonesomeness..........42 28. rose day..........43 29. roses all the way..........44 30. the lady i love..........45 31. the lady’s crush..........46 32. the magic potion..........48 33. the mystic train..........49 34. the power of music..........51 35. the story of jasmines..........52 36. the street magician..........54 37. those eyes..........55
chapter iii the pain and beyond
38. acid attacks..........58 39. all in the name of almighty..........60 40. alzheimers..........62 41. aruna shanbaug..........63 42. daughter of a sex worker..........65 43. dumped in an old age home..........67 44. female infanticide..........69 45. india today..........70 46. latur 2016..........72 47. letter to malala..........74 48. nirbhaya..........76 49. out of my way..........77
50. ranaghat..........79 51. soon i will be born‌to die..........81 52. stoned to death..........82 53. surrogate mother..........84 54. tears from the womb..........86 55. the child beggar..........87 56. the climb back..........88 57. the last journey..........89 58. the pain..........90 59. the sitter..........91 60. the special person..........93 61. the story of a manual scavenger..........94 62. transgender..........96 63. triple talaq..........98 64. violated..........100 65. witch..........102
chapter iv despair and hope
66. a new hope..........106 67. a poor brahmin..........108 68. an addict’s ordeal..........110 69. buried alive..........111 70. deceit..........112 71. dreams..........114 72. free..........115 73. good days are ahead..........116 74. i see through..........117 75. i wanna change this world..........119 76. just bury me..........121
77. near death..........122 78. reach high..........124 79. saintly mother..........125 80. salute to mothers..........127 81. sand castle..........129 82. shadow..........131 83. sobs of the sand..........132 84. steve jobs ..........134 85. story of a child labour..........136 86. story of a drunkard..........137 87. the bell ringer..........139 88. the cremator..........141 89. the date-palm juice seller..........143 90. the dream farewell..........145 91. the eternal wait..........147 92. the forgotten souls..........149 93. the ghost train..........151 94. the gravel in the shoe..........153 95. the last cruise..........154 96. the masked..........156 97. the stranger on the pavement..........157 98. trust me..........158 99. vampire..........160
chapter v nature
100. a withered leaf and two ants..........164 101. hurried walk..........166 102. if you call me crazy so be it..........168 103. oasis..........170
104. resurrection..........172 105. rush..........174 106. the forest..........176 107. the last rain..........177 108. the parched lands..........178 109. the renewed faith..........180 110. the walker..........182 111. view anew..........184
chapter vi nation
112. amri..........186 113. chamar (the tanner)..........188 114. elections..........190 115. i long to sing..........192 116. kashmiri pundits..........194 117. my name is shaktiman..........195 118. story of an onion farmer..........197 119. the culprit caught..........199 120. the decadence..........201 121. the divide..........203 122. the farmer..........204 123. the fateful night..........206 124. the fenced farm..........207 125. the magic wand..........209 126. the municipal elections..........211 127. the pigsty..........212 128. the story of dana majhi..........213
chapter vii the disquiet world
129. bloody world..........216 130. gaza..........217 131. immortal spirit..........218 132. my homage to charlie hebdo..........219 133. my name is paris..........220 134. omran daqneesh..........222 135. paris killings..........223 136. peshawar..........225 137. the dark continent..........226 138. the fetters still hurt..........228 139. the little girl..........230 140. the refugees..........231 141. the shattered peace..........233 142. the unholy war..........234 143. washed ashore..........235
chapter viii our flag and heroes
144. pathankot..........238 145. RIP lance naik hanumanthappa..........240 146. siachen..........242 147. the republic day..........244 148. the tricolor..........245 149. the unsung heroes..........246 150. the valiant fighter..........247
chapter i
my words and i
they she & i
a poet’s soul strange it is i see myself lying on the cot dead perhaps as i no more breath i see a few faces from my neighbourhood who by and large think i was debris in skewed slow motion my works they all shunned like the leftover food of a leper the skies continue to cry in their nonstop drizzle premonition they perhaps had of my journey to join them soon above like those died in plague i am denied a decent burial infectious the mayor decrees the bastards decide to cremate me floating unseen i quietly watch i am now my shadow alive scowl in their faces they close their nostrils like i am faecal and lay me rough on the pyre
2
my words and i
in the relentless and incessant rains the obstinate wet wood would not light someone has a flash rushing to my home with friends they lug my trunk of my life’s all unread works one of them with relish comment ‘still dry these papers are’ joyous they consign my works with me i now burn in the comfort of my work remembering my every work and each line the world may have missed my thoughts and my works i do not anymore shed a tear though in solitude i cried in silence day after day rain or sunshine for once now i do not wince my burning pages warm my soul *****
3
they she & i
a retired teacher i touch the tabletop caress it tenderly tears swelling with joy the same feeling as i had felt holding my child first time ever in my life it is long that i have retired from the school i had taught i had studied in the school as well my connection well over six decades and more yet it seems like just the other day the wood is withered its colour faded to an anaemic white the white ants too seemingly have lost interest like the world losing interest in me with effort i place myself in the wobbly chair its broken handles shaking like me i lean my head on the table and feel the bliss like resting my head on my wife’s bosom
4
my words and i
cozily i cuddle myself in the warm comfort of the same chair i knew so close all my life my contented heart now slows and happily ends its tiresome beat rarely any teacher achieving my feat *****
5
they she & i
i am not a poet the jumbled words like a drunkard’s walk agonizingly staggering and ready to fall deleted altered and severally over-written stares at me the crumpled heaps the overstuffed dustbin too looks smitten thrust with the cellulose strips each puckered paper mocks at me returning my barren empty stare yelling mutely yet my eardrums shredding those poets are a breed too rare my mind void vast and cosmic in scope but in a starless celestial floating state thoughts in stupor like i am stoned in the fathomless depths and in a languid fate the inkpot lies in despair and neglect the dried ink like a blood clot of a felled mate the thoughts just fail to fall in place the words too rush to hide without a trace chaotic is my mind declining the cue that true poets are just a few
6
my words and i
here lies my vanquished mind frozen in haze and listless in thoughts of stumbling words and bungling lines affected by my tumbling trend the unbridled thoughts may fail to flow in words that hide and fail to glow i cannot rise from the lyrical rut even if i am not a poet of lore *****
7
they she & i
ignored sick and infirm he may be his body immobile but his heart still beats feeble though it is the voice is from near he could barely though hear ‘convert and embrace my god, and he shall lead you to heaven’ redemption for his soul could only be if he heeds he beckons and whispers is your god leader of a party he wakes up to the caws and the moos he is lying near the garbage dump as before his loyalty to his god had won but his god looked away and shunned *****
8
my words and i
indomitable beat me to pulp drown me bury me tie me to a post burn me at the stake stone my home threaten my kin blind me, cut my tongue hang me from the tree try telling me not to write or to speak out whatever my heart feels the truth the pain of the oppressed the deceit of the wicked even if my body is consigned my soul would continue to haunt tear the facade and unmask the truth *****
9
they she & i
intolerance i shudder as i am awakened in the drizzling sultry night the shattered window glasses fall scattering around me the stones that were pelted made clumsy clattering noise meeting with unknown objects like a blind date in the dark i sneak a peek from the crack and see the masked restive crowd someone shouts at my direction warning if i write ever again i did raise a few difficult questions looking for a few answers on gods castes and the food we eat tolerance or the lack of it i had stopped writing for long the censor around playing havoc crumbling my chivalry and my mind drying my thoughts and as well the ink
10
my words and i
i cannot more stare at those stones mocking at me and my impotence i pick the stones and hurl away as far i have removed my scare and my scar *****
11
they she & i
my pen i am amused my pen is getting sharper mightier too while i thought one day it would get blunt on its overuse and abuse despite being wielded many times each day striking at the roots of corruption and crimes on nonchalant leaders many and at the unending inequality the gender disparity and the like that we practice with impunity my pen is getting mightier its ink seems like nectar never emptying anytime as i keep writing castigating one and all and any and everything wrong i weighed my losses losing a few offended friends but could not consign my pen with which i have fallen in obsessive love 12
my words and i
and have been romancing with my pen it too seems to be enjoying my love both of us never tired of loving each other i am not a critic but my pen loves the role our name has stuck as a fearless voice for now i uncap and start the words flow again bashing and tearing the offenders and their offences *****
13
they she & i
my words no not any awards nor any rewards can stir my soul awaken it to sit straight and scribble like a flowing stream from a snowy glacier invigorating all the eyes that it may manage to reach the words are feelings from the innermost depths of the unseen soul spiced tastily by an effortless mind pouring out spontaneously the powerful mantras to awaken you well agitate your minds sometimes and stand up to absurdities if anything can touch your core and stir your stony soul crossing all confines to liven your nerves 14
my words and i
make you angry on many counts words making your eyes moist or give you a taste of sublime love incite you rouse and make you ponder if you read my lines again my words could do all that and more too *****
15
they she & i
passing times he sees the freckles on his face the wrinkles seem like the delta creases the salty stub in the unshaven chin and the few silvery strands on his pate how could he ever have slept so long that he had lost the passage of time he does not remember the world beyond the smoky windows in front confined to his squeaky chair with listless papers and dusty files he walks past the somber silent world as the sun slips quietly bidding bye he nods at his boss and reaches for his stick his boss too is old but unlike him is slick the boss smiles at his puzzled face that seems to have lost all its shine soon it would be dark and with failing eyes he must hurry the path over the rickety tiles the beady sweat pervades and chills as he opens the window to the lofty hills the snowy winds from the farther space strikes him strong on his hollowed face why he failed to open the windows before he ponders as he lies back and quietly stares
16
my words and i
faces crowd over his frozen frame as if he was a great man of fame simple he was murmur the villagers the tail-wagging mongrel is there as well soon he will be rested in the small confines to bond with nature beneath the pines *****
17
they she & i
poets meet the high and mighty seated on the chairs men with many different flairs in the town it is a poets meet edgy i enter looking for a seat they know me not in the pretentious circles ignored by the crowd here i am too not that it appears weird or strange for i know them not myself too the read session begins for the showy ones with boisterous laughs and insipid chatter hungry as usual i am to read my works and eager i am to pour out some sense livid and cross i toss the twaddle the barbs are sullying the noble cradle i move not but am irked i wait for some hand to wave at me all have recited but for me to read out my heart i get ready but all rise with applause and jostle to leave none faintly even glancing at me
18
my words and i
it was a high profile poets meet of the high and the mighty playing foul merely putting the rhymes in place only with a body but without a soul i rise and together put my hands too not offended but a bit hurt though back i go to the stream and the trees read i will to my buzzing bees *****
19
they she & i
salvaged my i had grown bigger than me interfering arrogantly influencing and impairing my thoughts and deeds in every step of mine this i certainly was not me i hated this me and loathed to be free too late it is the uppercase i mocked and laughed at me your heart is devoid of kindness any your pockets are now just too heavy your limitless greed have raised your money you are soaked in the tears of the poor to fill your needs hard they toiled i empty my pockets to let fall all the fortunes fortunes of misery nearly drowning me in the pile i strip down from my ornamental dresses my body now feeling lighter than ever naked, each cell of my skin is rejuvenated by a kindly wind and the splashing rains washing my body my mind and my heart as well i now realize the futility of spending the best part of my life 20
my words and i
closeted in the dark vaulted and guarded rooms counting hills of monies with countless digits the value of which now seem to me not even worth the papers on which they are printed i pluck the fruits and pick the seeds the birds fly in to peck from my palms blisses like these i missed all my life the wet grass kissing my feet i walk singing and caressing the plants in tunes i had never known before i reach now the top of the hill watching the cacophony of the crowds far below i escaped just in time in true search of the real me to salvage my life and forever be free *****
21
they she & i
superannuation he stood alone for long the deafening noise and the disorder watching aimlessly from his windows he was a part of it just until the other day he is now superannuated with a garland as big as his height the dry petals now shed all over none are there to understand his plight he tried visiting his old place of work a new clerk was occupying his weathered desk the clerk looked at him with scorn he was no intruder his heart wailed he silently walked the park a mutt lonely as him walking behind listless it too is like the superannuated he returned home as always it was he was young and was ever busy he did not have any time to look around today he has all the time in the world to watch but none else to watch him around *****
22
my words and i
the forgotten fountain pen there lies my neglected heartthrob its new slim competitors now taking the ring with no murmurs nor protests and with dignity my pen has matured with age like a good islay malt from across the seas through the flow of its nibs were born many niggling thoughts heartrending episodes a few too i now pick the pen up the obstinate tight cap reluctantly giving in the ink had long dried like a mummified corpse the smell is so familiar like my wife’s neck i passionately kiss i check the inkpot still alive its wavy contents teasing me to date i fill the pen with passion and love the words flow unhindered now *****
23
they she & i
the harsh truth i had seen her a grand old lady playing by herself the chinese checkers taking turns for both sides attacking and defending all by herself and at the same time i too sit before a mirror to analyze myself if a bit to adjudicate my long list of earthly sins i stare at the familiar face but soon lower my weakened eyes i have much to hide with ignominy within in my heart i forever was a bit of an angel and much of devil spending my life refereeing their duels winning a few and losing many *****
24
my words and i
the last poem my trembling hands with dirty nails wrinkled skin and bones too frail out of practice not for gain longtime it is that i felt any pain many moons it is since i had a whole meal learnt to starve with finality i seal freeing myself from the four walled prison i stare at the stars through my blurry vision it is not my fault that i look unclean for days soap i have never seen tattered too are my dirty cloths they are my only worldly lot kind hearts someday leave some food wrapped in papers with some old news in one i see the forgotten poets my smiling photo too mocking in truce i long forgot to ever react devoid of anger and of tears the wind too seems cold with me blowing the paper and my soul free *****
25
they she & i
the power of words i write to rejoice or to lament to evaluate or pontificate to admonish or cry with you from the indolent slumber shaking you out or waking you up from your insolent dreams with my cobbled lines and through my prickly words my hands might not have ever touched you neither may i have ever seen you i may know not where you live nor the kind of jobs those you ever do nor if you fancy any placid gods or if you practice any religion of hate follow some crony or crafty isms i simply know you too are a mortal like me immortal only by the memories you leave and not by the hatred that you may spread i wish to wipe your tears when you’re sad and share your joy and laugh out loud i enjoy the tunes as you hum and would like to hold your fingers as you walk i shall repair the many bridges along the way even leaving a flower at your grave 26
my words and i
i brazenly lash with the whip i sport dragging many to the people’s court all this and more i try to do with my words that are true *****
27
they she & i
world poetry day i am tired of running chasing the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow i am tired of chasing the mirage of dreams of prosperity in the future i am fatigued to read farmers committing suicide for abundant production or for drought i am anguished to note each day somewhere in our nation girls are raped and acid attacks take place i am pained to be a part of a nation trying to move forward and people dying to be called backward i am mortally scared at the stockpile by countries many with bombs that can end the world i am shocked to see the lack of roses and the white pigeons but abundance of foul mouthing men
28
my words and i
i am terrified at the attacks by one or other whenever one stands up to speak out their mind on issues whatever i could consign my papers to fire throw my pen away and immobilize my mind and thoughts i decided to do the other way to keep biting their cheeks like a mosquito they will be slapping themselves as long alive *****
29
they she & i
world poets day it is today the poets day i sit to ponder the roll of words it is the role of words as i mean could they really implore you shake you slap you and awaken you make your spirits boldly rise against many maladies ever to fight can the words describe the beauty of the nature and the neighborhood dames kindling your hearts or tickling your nerves can the words carry you to unseen lands and to faraway heavens sail you through the deep black holes and the starry skies if you have been carried to faraway lands to see the beauty of the nature if you have been made to shake with rage on the many ills plaguing the society by merely reading a few lines my day it is and every poets day *****
chapter ii
romance and love
they she & i
a flower’s tale i sit near the flowery plant waiting for my handsome lover an intoxicated flower overladen with honey falls in love with me just then and starts caressing me kissing and stoking me there comes my man a bit late as usual profusely apologetic i love these antics for he makes it up with a bit more hugs and a few more kisses the flirting flower is deeply hurt by his presence its heart shred unable to forget me it sheds its petals one after another to die an unsung death the last floating petal gently sits on my lips as i am about to kiss my man
32
my words and i
the petal tastes strangely different i am unaware of a death just around me and only for my sake *****
33
they she & i
are you the one i am still in search looking for she who can by her mind read the tunes those i hum from my heart within my mind and who yet can tap her feet in rhythmic steps to match my tunes and my joyous mood i am still looking for her for the one who can come close to me pick the rose that i pretend to hold kissing me on my lips to sensuous joys untold i am dreaming about she who will sail taking my hands through the clouds chattering along the way up in the skies with the singing larks
34
my words and i
are you she the doe eyed one staring at me buzzing like a honey bee on a flower filled spring time tree ready to respond and smiling in glee *****
35
they she & i
candy boy’s candid tale i am a boy tiny and crazy for candies the uncle from across the street beckons me with a chit and wants me to deliver it to the aunty living near me i run fast with the clenched fist close to my heart carrying with me the secret chit my mouth savouring the tasty candy
i have run many times in the last few days taking chits and leaving chits getting always a few sweet candies i run this time with the chit from uncle a lock is hanging on the auntie’s door
36
my words and i
i return the chit to the uncle with teary eyes i worry if he would snatch from my mouth the melting sweet candy i am sad these days and each day i check the lock hanging on her door i go to sleep dreaming always of my missing sweet candies gently i am shaken from my sleep with strain i see a garlanded couple they are the uncle and my sweet candy aunty they point towards the wall and there are two big boxes of my favourite candies *****
37
they she & i
close in my heart hidden from my tired and searching eyes under the thick blanket of uncouth clouds i shall not immortalize you ever as a star and send you from me away and far i shall not lock you in the language of fetters in a poem morose chained in letters no words ever can express my grief its enormity cannot be contained in brief i had lost my heart to you you have left your heart in me too i shall cherish and keep safe the memories until the fairies lead me to you *****
38
my words and i
dream girl i try to close my eyes and sleep how could i ever your smiling eyes mock at me shake me up every time i doze off waking me violently how could i ever fall in love at the first sight not knowing you before not seeing you now may not be seeing you ever in the future too yet you continue to haunt me with bleary eyes tired from sleepless nights i walk to the window beyond the sills and the flowerbeds beyond the butterflies and the buzzing honeybees to see you smiling and waving at me *****
39
they she & i
first love i fell in love the day i saw you first the thrill of passing by your house never once looking at your window but just thinking that you may there be in somewhere doing some chores makes my heart beat faster than ever i tend to slow down to sneak a peek palpitation virtually bursting my veins i am afraid if i am being watched not by you but someone else i did not want my dream to shatter spoiling my unblemished love for you i jump with ecstatic joy at the first ever meet of your pair of eyes do your eyes reveal any emotions do they reciprocate my love i could just not fathom for barely i could keep my focus for long afraid to faint my eyes stare to speak the volumes untold my heart pounding like a drunken horse is this is called the first love ever i look to see that you return the stare it is a smile from your lips i see now with glee my mind now waltzes in joyous spree *****
40
my words and i
holi – the festival of colours the new blades of grass peep out from beneath fresh leaves emerging from the dried branches flowers in array of fanciful colours blossoming out in delight to welcome spring fluttering their wings in joy the butterflies dances to the melody of the chirping birds adding the bass the buzzing bees merrily pollinating to grow more trees colours aplenty in nature abound the birds and every other being around myriad colours each other they present to celebrate the colours mankind descends erasing the memories of the grey and cold the advent of spring brings forth a fervent hope forgotten today are caste creed and race rich and poor all pose a romantic coloured face *****
41
they she & i
lonesomeness i thought i was lonely surrounded forever just by me the ticking sound of the clock my companion in life too has deserted me i watch nonchalantly with no option and has resigned to live all alone until the day she came in with her bewitching smile that was just for a while and she too faded from my life and mind teaching me what true lonesomeness could ever be *****
42
my words and i
rose day it is rose day today romance all the way i nip the small thorns and throw them out of way i walk along the path with roses all the way its fragrance taking me to my girl’s embrace faraway a rose petal i take munching it slowly i say pure bliss it is like my first sensuous kiss i pluck a rose and leave it gently to float the river will reach it and say nice things to my girl faraway *****
43
they she & i
roses all the way you stand with an impassive face i am afraid if you would reject me and go dashing my hopes and shredding my heart i look with pleading eyes to seek an aye as you stand here to decide my fate i think of nothing but the blissful sky filled with full of twinkling stars myriad of colours hues and shades as i kneel with my outstretched hand with a rose to offer with my heart your silent smile speaks a thousand words piercing eyes singing many duets i close my eyes and give you a hug placing gently a kiss on the lips the whole world is now my ballet stage millions of white pigeons fly from my mind into the heavens above the fluttering wings looking like flowers spreading across the clear blue skies as far as eyes can see it is roses all the way *****
44
my words and i
the lady i love i sat looking at the vast seas the waves lashing with the winds seem to me the broad fabric that draped the body of my lady the hills seem to me as her beautiful breasts the delta where the rivers confluence at the sea her vagina the islands dotting the horizon are the beautiful necklace around her neck the swaying leafy trees her dense dark flowing hair i stand up and step into the sea wetting my feet and touching my lady i am orgasmic at the nature’s bounty abundant like the caressing breeze *****
45
they she & i
the lady’s crush the sun has set and it is dark sleepless i keep turning listlessly on the bed i await the sun to rise yet again soon tearing the dark skies away i shower with pasted turmeric excited sweat beads emerge in a hurry to sneek a peek at my beauty as i apply a vermillion on my forehead hurriedly i wipe the sweat away apprehensive if they craftily would beat me to catch a glimpse of my lover before me as i enter his street my friends tease me i pray fervently that may my palpitating heart fly ahead of me speedily and embrace him tightly and forever my lover’s door is adorned with banana trees and so are the mango leaves, and the fragrant pandanus i am nervous wondering what could it be my eyes turn misty, is he getting married
46
my words and i
were not my subtle glances my arousal causing rose cheeks and mild smiles failed to reach and reveal the secrets of my heart to you my love, my heart cries it is merely a religious festival at his home and your lover is safe i hear the whispers in my ear my heart jumps with unbridled joy as i see him coming smiling towards me *****
47
they she & i
the magic potion the crowd is sparse each one busy in their own world i sit all alone no one especially caring for me there are a few young girls around laughing and in thoughts merry my disheveled dress and stubby cheeks keeps their attention away from me she who alone was to me my breath the abundant plasma of my blood meeting me umpteen times a day vanished suddenly without a trace my stupor is abruptly broken the noise of the dabara and tumbler tickling my nostrils and awakening me the flavor of the degree coffee i stretch anew and think afresh i look at the girls in the next noisy table the dove-eyed belle is smiling at me i smile back sipping the brew *****
48
my words and i
the mystic train i am waiting for my train it is no ordinary train empty it is but not eerie from the silvery clouds above its golden wings flapping mild gently it is gliding down to pick its only passenger waiting in eternity that’s me to carry me to my dream destination which no other train ever can there is no booking counter nor tickets of any kind joyously it carries me through its entire journey merrily singing all for free destination mine is an angelic place all trees around and greenery abound nectary like the biblical eden where my adam would be waiting for me with a golden apple glowing in hand sensuously i hurry to have my willing first bite with glee my train too is pleased like me its ‘koo’ whistle paving the path enthusing the murmuration 49
they she & i
of the thrilled flock of diving larks all along the ornate way the intermittent belching of the fragrant white smoke with the high clouds with ease it mingles smoothly the train moves ahead as happy as it ever could be *****
50
my words and i
the power of music i sing aloud my untrained voice creaking undeterred i am joyous unmindful of the quizzical stares they know not the lines the tunes or its kinder soul i sing even louder oh it is the elixir rejuvenating my body and mind from my innermost core i walk on the pristine sandy beach rhythmic in tune with my song the idyllic waves tapping my feet the birds hover above me the joyous fish too swim and dance for all these louder i sing the grieving clouds hasten away bright sun shining now the gloom is forever gone as my music touches one and all i may not sing well but my exultant spirit says it all *****
51
they she & i
the story of jasmines the pleasurable job of plucking the jasmines to offer to god is assigned to me when my wife is away just for the day brightens up pearls like jasmines on seeing me seemingly shouting me first and me first jostling to rush to embellish krishna coaxing me and impressing me they sway to be plucked like the danseuses of the royal courts as i proceed leaving a few jasmines unplucked remorsefully they now feel whether the omnipresent krishna has discovered their romance on the sly with the wily honeybees and whispered in my ears
52
my words and i
to reject them to wilt and die with anxiety on their faces they look with apprehension at me the plucked flowers are ecstatic and impatient like the hungry children hurrying for their mothers breast milk to be threaded into garland decorated on krishna’s neck the flowers in the garland form go for a blissful sleep like the sleeping children well fed with their mothers’ milk *****
53
they she & i
the street magician from among the crowd of my fans who endlessly clap my eyes sieve searching for the magical sway of the rhodamine dress that she today wore she is teasing me appearing sometimes in my front sometimes to my left or hiding to my extreme right the pink shines from my back as well she seems to be a magician too knowing all the tricks i do one end to the other hopping in cue i lose my attention and foldup my tools we are left just us two strangely are now quite her eyes she sits to help me wrap my shop picks a bag and joins my walk a magic i never learnt as to how *****
54
my words and i
those eyes i knew not who she could be faded from sight like a lightning she her yellow drape did a magical sway carried by the fierce winds to the mustard fields far away she turns her head back for barely a second wanting to smile seemed her eyes to me no more of her i ever did see those two mesmerizing eyes forever are buried now in me *****
55
chapter iii
the pain and beyond
they she & i
acid attacks on the usual path i walk to my home every day i cross the noisy vagrants teasing me along the way in no way to retort or start a row i silently tolerate and let it go as a young lonesome woman my good features are my niggling foe the leader of the raucous clan an obstinate and stinky man i notice loitering near my house seemingly with some hidden grouse courage i muster and to him i reach to check the bother and a lesson to teach looking squarely at his eyes i query him for his guise he claims his love for me at first sight and in case of my refusal or slight he dares there and then to end his life unconvincingly he mumbles with a stammer his legs wobbling in a stagger his body stinking foul he could just anytime fall i turn back with disgust spurning the call
58
the pain and beyond
as i walk my usual path one day a missile speedily intrudes my way in quick reflex i duck my face in surprise and fear to beat the chase i lose the race dodging the bottle filled with acid at full throttle by nanoseconds i was late my face forever charred by hate of the distorted many with acid burns i too am now added with nowhere to turn the acid did burn my skin my eyes and face erasing my grin my mind though still stays firm ready to teach a lesson to stun my kinds shall again retain their sheen men with acid should no more be seen *****
59
they she & i
all in the name of almighty i did not for once wince nor complain for i was born in a society feudal i was not allowed to go to the school i was a girl and below par all in the name of almighty i did not for once wince nor complain for being denied my rightful childhood my rights to wander and play like boys i was a girl and below par all in the name of almighty i did not for once wince nor complain for being denied the colours of the flowers and being decked in the woeful black i was a girl and below par all in the name of almighty i did not for once wince nor complain when i was taught in the furthest rooms that i am a slave of the man i would wed and bear him many children without a question all in the name of almighty i lie flat on my back tied up tight demonic ladies with delight prying over me
60
the pain and beyond
to maim my genitals and deny my delights it was the norm for girls like me all in the name of almighty i stir and struggle scrambling free tearing off the age old rusted chains i am a girl and my mind is mine i run towards the light in search of you to show my pain and seek a cure *****
61
they she & i
alzheimers the scorching sun is unkind to me as unkind as the members of my kin i am yet to get a cup of steaming tea i walk pensively towards my favourite tree i wake up not knowing who i am listlessly i walk with none to disagree i see strange faces all in a running spree i try to look for a cup of tea i am tired and rest on the pavement why do many drop coins near me i forget where i lived and who i was i merely came out for a cup of tea i swoon to sink in the infinite void and wake up to my angry kin around me i now have a rope tied to my legs but i am still longing for the cup of tea *****
62
the pain and beyond
aruna shanbaug don’t forget the pills for the kid the drips will continue for the one old the matron’s voice was firm but kind as i nodded and noted in my mind two shifts i had to do today substituting like many other days for the absence of my colleague sick settling down in the crowded void slowly the visiting crowds thinned i became again my only company from the monitors and the rhythmic beats whining from the bed the usual music the ward boy suddenly rushes to me urgently gesturing me to see i follow him with my usual worry the suffering patient who could it be i lie unconscious flat on the floor my bloodied body with the pain it bore i was dragged beaten and violated by the ward boy for reasons i would never know
63
they she & i
i hear whisper and feel the scalpel the oxygen pipes striving for me i am in a coma i hear them say my mind realizes my wasted fate many summers pass and i am still in bed i wish to speak but my faculties have failed i am declared hopeless forever confined until i breathe my last and be consigned to flames i am in a coma for many years long i could not move my limbs nor sing ever a song i could not speak nor my eyes could see but my mind is alive and it was a silent cry to be the crowd around me is more today i aruna shanbaug have finally died today my body lies in the same usual limp as it was violated and dumped the other day *****
64
the pain and beyond
daughter of a sex worker i finish my homework in a hurry the teacher is kind i need to learn as much quickly graduate and become a doctor earn for my mother and for many other women languishing like her in these cages selling their bodies to live and care for us we are the children of the lesser god the sun has set starts to glow the dim red lights in which too i have learnt to study the strangers parade begins before each cubicle i can no more enter the room my mother is on duty and i have been warned never to see the cots make the rhythmic rattle i am now so used to the noise i do even sing a song matching with the tick and tock years roll by i throw my graduation cap 65
they she & i
up in the air in jubilant joy i rush to my home in the same old cubicle where my mother still lives too fast she has grown old all dreaded ailments now her allies she seemed just waiting for me warmly stretching her hand with smile on her lips and twinkle in her eyes says she serve the women like me she kisses my hand and breaths her last *****
66
the pain and beyond
dumped in an old age home i am too old and now immobile confined in this room to a rickety old cot my limbs refuse to obey my diktat my sight is blurred and i fall many times and chided by my son for no fault of mine my heart jumps with joy as my son enters my room after long he even sits near my shaky cot caressing my head like as i always longed i am no stranger and he is my dear son my son bathes me today in warm water patiently applying oil and combing my hair even feeding me for the first time with his own hand i am dressed in new clothes and he bundles the rest as i lie wondering if this is called the heavenly bliss an auto arrives soon thereafter my son kindly lifts me like a baby come i shall take you out he sweetly beckons i sit on his lap through the arduous bumpy journey enjoying the warmth of the embrace of my son the room is small and a bit smelly too i am laid on the mattress rough
67
they she & i
my son goes away without looking back ever carrying me his neck could have sprained i offer the pain balm with my tears *****
68
the pain and beyond
female infanticide i did cry or was it a wail the midwife’s face turns a stone grey it’s a girl the whisper is loud i blink and look all around there lies my mom spread and bound unable to speak tears abound elders look with scorn and hate ready to decide right then my fate i see heads shaking with rage i think it is the epitaph of my page the salt and water get admixed in my feeble throat by force it is fed i hoped to taste my mother’s milk once but it was in a hurry i was denounced the brine is choking and my throat is dry my wailing has stopped and no more i cry they bury me in a marshy grave i am not yet dead and try to be brave the earth above is now all dark i can no more hear the howling dogs i see mounds of earth pressed on me god my dear mom but where is she i see the angels smiling at me in heaven may there be no salt for me *****
69
they she & i
india today my eyes misty as i sneak a peek the large turbaned occupy the space helping themselves from the oversized hookahs the long pipes are passed on moving like the slimy snakes in the woods the exhaled smoke obnoxious in revulsion my nostrils twitch they are the khap the village council the powered deciders of my fate and that of my lover too we both belong to the same clan and have committed the gravest sin falling in love and wanting to get married caught we were as we nearly scaled the wailing walls of customs and faith the discussion now gets animated the largest turbaned takes a long puff in a croaked voice he condemns us and like magic appear the kerosene cans my lover is just about to die and so bravely would i too the country cannot offend khaps
70
the pain and beyond
our news may at best appear in an obscure column in the unseen pages we have reached moon and mars but cannot shirk inanity less we believe in science and more the rituals the stars and planets clans and tribes caste and faith and yet still shout aloud mera bharat mahan *****
71
they she & i
latur 2016 yet again the woes have begun i peep into the bottomless pit of the waterless rocky-wells the scorching earth mocks at me i look in vain over many miles around of dried-out lands untended and parched dying cattle lying scattered and still i have now to tread in search for a little water however far it lies i know not if i could win to persuade the higher castes to permit a potful for my thirsty child low on caste i have no right of way nor do i have ever a say my husband too joins my battle in search of waterholes all elusive he brings in three more wives not to sleep with but to fetch water together we shall walk many miles in our daily hunt with a pitcher each looking for a few drops to keep i am ready to bare my body and lie with anyone with water to share like i slept without remorse the other day with a stranger and yet did not cry 72
the pain and beyond
flesh and bones i do possess mind of mine like the land is dry it is water for now and it is water forever i look at the imposing monstrous dam built with much fanfare music and noise promising us prosperous lives instead erasing the peace out from our lives with prayers i seek just a bit of water to wash my hands when i defecate and for my child i can trade my life *****
73
they she & i
letter to malala the world honours a girl my heart fills with a strange new feeling that it is a feeling called joy i learn a feeling that i have never felt before maimed as a kid by my abductors made to beg on the crowded streets as a bonded labour i grew up to be toiling in the brick kilns and none to see anguish is not mine alone it is of the millions who are like me silently crying with my choked moans my despaired tears have dried long ago the fine knit carpets from my nimble fingers the cozy homes with bricks i made in the many eateries where you relish there lies a stamp of my childhood stomped my heart has hardened with emotions shred numbed with pain with each morning to dread every night though i still have a scary dream faraway somewhere i hear my mom’s scream
74
the pain and beyond
nobel i learn that you have now won it is a win for many like me toiling around give us just books and crayons a few we could paint the world a bit brighter too *****
75
they she & i
nirbhaya the sound of her breathing came to a stop still as the frozen water in the lake the mournful cries of her dear parents shattering like the icy winds from the top more than the intrusion into her body the victim’s mind butchered forever her every limb and every nerve lay shredded in excruciating pain nirbhaya will soon be forgotten so would many other women assaulted too the stony country may be dismissive if the victims are not beautiful too for once let us revisit our futile laws admitting its many loopholes and flaws speed of justice should make one scared and juvenile rapists too must not be spared immoral is the social stigma eternally chasing the victims name this victim may have breathed her last but the nation lives to suffer in shame *****
76
the pain and beyond
out of my way why was i ever born as a woman in this country i hurry as i walk ignoring the lecherous looks that transgress my body deep thirsty persons grazing me rough hands groping me day after day in the metro on the pavements and at all other places and all hours too i am expected to take it quietly for i am a single working woman my country has a great heritage i hear deifying women in reality though like a toy i am treated and as a squeezing fruit for their momentary pleasures convinced that i could be an easy prey by the dress i love to wear those hungry menfolk who never had an opportunity to smell in person the freshness of a lady ever
77
they she & i
i am a lady to have tolerated it all never complaining nor raising my voice against the perpetrators many who are regulars and known faces breaking my silence and the quietness of my kinds i now have decided to open up and respond it is time that i now should have a say erasing the menace out of my way *****
78
the pain and beyond
ranaghat i kneel in prayer before my lord thanking him for the day i got i change the habit the tunic scapular cowl and the veil spent the day well in comfort i feel tucking under my pillows bible the book i read fondly reminiscing the day that was pearly laughs and jingle sounds the many students making my day waking me up the noise is queer not kindly too the persons in my front by my hair they drag me and shunt strange that in lords abode hurts their filthy words of hate rummaging the place for all its wealth they look at me with gluttonous eyes satiating over my frail limp body on them lord have mercy my heart cries out as they vanish into the darkness beyond christ my savior my lord and my hope forgive them o merciful lord
79
they she & i
for they not know what they do for my body my mind and my soul strengthen me to reach my goal *****
80
the pain and beyond
soon i will be born‌to die in the water around me tied i am with a cord powerless to break free and to swim wide and far die i cannot as yet i am born tucked safely i am in a cocoon like a worm soon i will be born to break free from the womb as yet another mortal and join the noisy fray just to die another day *****
81
they she & i
stoned to death tied to a pole with unkind ropes digging deeper into my frail bones soaking in my fast depleting blood piercing my starved whining veins each stone on me pelted bites deeper a bit more flesh reaching the whites with careless ease hugging like a long lost friend the rapturous laugh of the hungry men with stones in hand and lecherous eyes they all stare at my bloodied breasts torn clothes struggling to cover me in vain the clergies denied me the burkha afraid if i would by chance reach the heavens kafir i will be upon my death too as i will die an obscene death i am a sinner and have sinned by falling in love with another girl she too is tied to the other pole too numb to turn towards my side
82
the pain and beyond
the clot is sticky with salty cheeks the ropes have stopped cutting through me the stones too seems kinder now my soul is free with hope the key *****
83
they she & i
surrogate mother i lent my womb for a thrifty price just to buy me some salt and some rice i let them germinate their seeds in me well fed was i for those few months that you grow well and so did i in the watery world you grow and lay gently floating as you swayed counting weeks and months was i the kicks and bumps within i felt without any emotion or pain to melt they were in a hurry to give you a name the day did come and out you came mother i was sans any name merely to deliver you and rid the pain they thought i was in much a gain your face i try not to ever see thrust did they the money in me the pain that endured all for thee thought i would be glad to be free to live a life cozy and of glee i fail to resist as i lift you to see your smiling face has no resemblance to me
84
the pain and beyond
my eyes are wet and vision is hazed i am surrogate and was paid i know not why my heart feels flayed *****
85
they she & i
tears from the womb in the watery world of the womb i acquire life and mind aplomb across the wall my mom i could hear whispering that i was here make sure it is a he growls my dad for him and others male child is a fad to learn what i was they rush to crack and force my mom to a kind old quack noting that my mom is avoiding his glare the quack sees the tears swelling and bare tells a white lie that i am a boy bringing to them all a momentary joy my mom is treated like a queen there are smiles cheers and sheen until i come into this world and cry my world with me too joins and cries girls are shunned i know not why pathetic society wants just guys will i live to cause the change from medieval thinking that are strange *****
86
the pain and beyond
the child beggar i am to lie all day long by the crowded kerb my one hand stretched with a pitiful face my other hand i had lost from my wrist i have one eye the other gouged out with the broken knee and dangling feet i am a pity for all to see as i was meant to be i ran and read too like everyone else laughed and sang with my friends on my heels it was a day of fun in the ferris wheel i still smiled at the loitering two i was small and naive to have any cue strangers they were but i took their hand little did i know my life would be banned candy laced i was bundled and led suddenly my world was black i cried and bled i am allowed to cry which often i do brings more coins for the gleeful two many like me dot the streets we may not be really what you see stop giving alms to the likes of me that the two no more add kids like me *****
87
they she & i
the climb back dark and fathomless are the dirty depths the pit was like shylock’s greed wanting my every pound of flesh as my soul long wanted to fly if freed my still body now twitches in haste on my split lips salty the dirt tastes seemingly cleaner is the grime around me than the dirty wolverines which gobbled me in this dark abyss till death i could lie devoured by the maggots even as i breath like a lifeless stone i watch dazed and decide to begin anew unfazed i look up at the height to scale to resurrect me i cannot fail to the flowing river i crawl on all fours wash the penetrated filth i had in store i have the war paints on my face and now have the valor to begin the trace there the bright sun beckons me i am back in the world brave and free *****
88
the pain and beyond
the last journey the silent figures move slowly seemingly levitating above the ground their long white robes shine eerily in the silvery moonlight shine the heads are covered and so are the faces save a slit revealing fiery eyes the lanterns seem to glow in reluctance on the forlorn path their steps firm a few carry spades and the rest carry sticks walks a man with a bundle unlike the rest wrapped in a cloth close to his chest towards the burial ground they all head the rhythmic digging evokes little noise save waking the sleepy startled ravens fluttering their wings the vampire bats too flying into the limitless darkness above one more just born buried is she her life determined by the unkind folk international day of the girl child the day may be goes on unabated the cruel spree *****
89
they she & i
the pain the sun is setting it is going to be dark again i detest each night that comes regular and without fail i cook the choicest food sometimes a dessert too for my man i know though what is in store he my husband comes always drunk i know not why he relishes my food but beats me up black and blue i am his slave and quietly lie to get brutally assaulted every night the sun rises and the story changes he is no more the brute he ever was unaware of the demon within him i wait with hope and infinite patience may the sun no more set no more my man ever drink and may i love my man as i dream *****
90
the pain and beyond
the sitter i am hungry as usual i always am the sitter is sleeping i cannot wake her now she gets angry thrashes me on my back or even sometimes pinches me which i don’t like ever i am hungry i slowly slip out of my bed she has finished all my milk my cake and my pudding too i cannot cry for i would be punished and cannot reveal ever to my tired mom my mom will be away as usual tomorrow too and the day after and every other day it is this same sitter whom i shall encounter tomorrow and every other day
91
they she & i
good girl my mother exudes for the cake all eaten the milk all drunk my mother is alone and has to work for us when will i ever get to bite a cake ever *****
92
the pain and beyond
the special person no matter how much i clean cloudy always are the glasses i wear i abort my pointless pursuit and learn living with my myopic vision it was not by my choice that i was forced into a body not of my choice looking all man with fuzzy chest and bushy beard why then my mind behaves like a woman tender dying to care longing to love and bear a child i go back to my glasses cloudy as ever wiping them clean they still are misty i check in the mirror the glasses dazzle bright it’s my eyes that are moist *****
93
they she & i
the story of a manual scavenger i wonder why all twitch their noses turning away from me and pacing in a hurry perhaps it is the smell and my sight the familiar smell that i was born and grew up in the smell of feces that each one of them yield i collect them with my bare hands filling the shit buckets which i carry on my head to dump far beyond for them not to see and its smell to fade faraway my father and my mother my brother and my sisters we were born scavengers our caste defined as such i learn in my numbed brain devoid of feelings or any smell my heart feels no anger nor any joy either
94
the pain and beyond
for me the smell of feces is the most natural one i knew smell of roses and fragrance such hurt my nostrils and my lungs i silently laugh at you all you shudder and run at your own waste that i carry on my head each day every day scavenger i am by caste it is the way you have had me cast i am entitled to very little sleep for i have to be there at every door to clear the many buckets of shit before daybreak and you are awake *****
95
they she & i
transgender it dawned to her as she arrived in this bloody and unkind world that not everything is fine with her hearing the disdainful shrieks of the midwife and the ladies she was scared and she cried too she was a transgender before her mother was awake and could come to senses she was wrapped in sheets not clean left all alone at the orphanage door she missed the pond as others swam and was prevented to play with other kids she was a transgender the old mother in the poorhouse got even older and had to die the orphanage shut and the kid left alone an elder of her kind picking her up teaching her to walk and clap her hands to seek alms too as they all would she was a transgender she wished to toil like anyone else but could not fill the boxes to mark if she was a female or male to start she got used to being shown the door 96
the pain and beyond
adorns now a mx to denote her kind her feelings too hopefully the world would find what if she was a transgender *****
97
they she & i
triple talaq blandly i see the flickering wick as the light dims the oil is exhausting in the lone starving lamp gloomy and dark it will soon be unfamiliar though it has been never life will soon be strange as my husband whispers the dreaded words in my ears i stay around in hope just in case he lifts his eyes and sees the agony in mine and changes in mind as he walks in with her, his eyes lowered the fabric of matrimony my long life of togetherness i chose to tread with him suddenly lies shredded to pieces merely for those thrice uttered words in the name of god i never stepped once outside my walls
98
the pain and beyond
nor tended to see beyond my veil as i clumsily step out in the vast void the world failing to recognize me *****
99
they she & i
violated the tender clouds filtered the sun the rays mellowed into motherly warmth i take a walk along the meadows gently feeling the golden blooms the mustard fields wear a gay green brushed with strokes of lemony hues the smoke from my hut rises in the air beckoning me with love and care seated inside is the burly neighbour looking at me with intense glare i reach up to him with usual glee unwrapping the sweet round candies he grabs my waist and pulls me on his lap the wandering eyes are not the benign same neither is his smile as nice as before he smells strangely funny and his grip is mighty hard and tight i beg him to let me go and wish to run into the arms of my mother lying sick her cuddle could cure all my ills but i cannot see her from the sill the rough palm brutally covers my mouth swooning and dreaded i could die thrown and pinned flat on bed i soon fade into a deep abyss violated i am and soon am shred 100
the pain and beyond
wails and sobs follow for days tubes and jabs are now my kin i am in a coma but hear my mom weep how i wish to sit up and whisper mom i am fine and do not fear they all now call me a brave-heart bulbs flash and i am in the breaking news as i sink slowly into the fathomless void what crime did i commit to be born as a girl why was it that my dad had to die so soon what altered my neighbour’s mood and why did i like the sweet round candies i am travelling fast towards heaven to plead with god to banish all candies i have many other questions to god who seems to have no answers at all *****
101
they she & i
witch my friends have now turned foes looking away from my distraught eyes my neighbour’s sick boy has just died they say i am a witch and it is my deed the village headman had tried to grab my land standing brave i had resisted him and others the chirpy child was like mine too i say but my pleadings are all just in vain the villagers are restive and the crowd now swells walking me naked through the narrow lanes she is a witch the drummer shouts she has to die the chorus grows from post to pillar i had run to my friends and the crafty village headman they all point their fingers at me the kid had died because of me there is excitement at the square wood and hay spread below my feet i am tied to the thorny pole they all reason it is a life that i stole
102
the pain and beyond
tears blur my eyes as the fire is lit the smoke engulfs me as the hungry flames leap rather to live my rest life branded a witch i prefer to die and show my grit *****
103
they she & i
chapter iv
despair and hope
they she & i
a new hope i huddle under the sheet the plastic fluttering in the icy winds old and tattered it is like me torn and with many a hole as the relentless spell from the piercing drips from the starless dark skies above shows no mercy to others and me i introspect at my eternal greed in exploiting every resource living in luxury and missing my course the earth shakes violently the crevices baring the deep dark hollows wobbling buildings shatter and fall burying many deep under my earthly riches too mingle with dust dreams pulverized to a hazy hell as they burn with the mangled bodies the logs at the riverbanks joining the wail spreading smoke a thick blanket of white yet refusing to extinguish my flickering hopes the dark night terrible and long passes off eerily at the break of dawn close by i hear a moaning sound and forget my own miseries around hurriedly i clear the rubble near me
106
despair and hope
lies there a small and tender baby lips twitch and it smiles at me profusely thanking god i cry i find now the reason why i was left alive saving the child by sparing my life *****
107
they she & i
a poor brahmin i reverently repeat after my father my guru chanting the sacred meaning of om i flaunt the white gleaming thread proudly worn across my body the exhalted symbol of my reclusive caste i am a brahmin merely by birth and one among the five percent though my country abhors me i am no minority nor get any favour my dignity is killing me and i live in penury i am hungry like any other one too i cannot feed my family and me ineligible i am for any reserved jobs a kind neighbour offers me a job in a butchery that i do not drop i do not sing anymore in praise of god confined within is my chocked voice i have learnt to blame all my ills to the gods just as i have been taught to invoke and pray peace for all it is my sin and not any government nor any policy that i am shunned
108
despair and hope
my clan was learned and were priests conversing with kings and many gods today there are no kings but is there god *****
109
they she & i
an addict’s ordeal needling my ribs the reluctant doctor strikes me off as a felonious factor i am laid on the foul smelling table he seems to me, aberrant and frigid a kind of slayer bland and rigid the loud noise is shattering my brain my eyes trying hard to close in vain my body twitches writhing in pain the last drop of my energy ready to drain my quivering body is held tight i wish not to give up the fight cold turkey or so they mumble for the needle and syringe they fumble i feel the jab pierce my back limp i lie like an empty sack dear and near now do visit me i am like vegetable and wish not to see my teary beloved bears with me true love and care i learn what could be through the window comes the golden glow the rays shine in and the hope does flow i see the time i lost in pain my rest life i vow to speedily regain *****
110
despair and hope
buried alive the wooden casket is readied coats of shellac radiating its sheen the cushion spread is spotlessly clean the brass fittings gleaming like gold the pallbearers polish over and again wiping off every imaginary speck of dust cushy are the pillows for my head for my last journey comfort at its best the saxophones are in monotony the slow gliding steps firm and steady i wish to cry i am alive and heady my cries muffle in the cacophony my case is lowered in a pit too deep dashing all hopes darkness surrounding me i miss the sounds and the air goes damp the burial ground bears also now my stamp my adversary mocks there i see without a bout the war it had won deep below i am in coffin laid here lies truth my tombstone reads *****
111
they she & i
deceit nights have become long sleep playing truant now and the past many weeks as i watch her sleeping soundly i am alarmed at myself quieter unlike me smiles and banter have ended eye contacts have vanished too i know the inevitable and i know that i am at no fault i wait for the dark days ahead and the likely dawn following that the movement is subtle as i see the bed-sheet shuffle quietly she carries her suitcase she is now deserting me i hear the car’s engine idling outside her pickup in the dark whisks her away i look at the empty vault but return to a restless sleep
112
despair and hope
few days pass and i hear a tender knock at the door stands she with misty eyes the wealth she carried in deceit has melted the scars explain the sufferings in all i cannot humiliate her ever i married her and not buy her in a bazaar i quietly hug her and lead her in tonight we shall have a restful sleep *****
113
they she & i
dreams listless for me my life had become black and many a shade of morose grey even my shadow trying to desert me shrunk i am for all the world to see in the confines of the darkness i lie many a day awake wide incomprehensible thoughts cloud my mind space around it hard to find shunned by my friends and spurned by all it is for me a long free fall i come down crashing with breakneck speed i hit the abyss and my body lies weird with shudder i wake up from my sleep incredulous if true it ever could be the scenes that shook me and made me feel blue were merely dreams and not a shade of it true here i am among my usual sporty crowd with my head high and feeling all proud breath of mine has not deserted me ever with joy i prepare for the rest miles to cover *****
114
despair and hope
free the rusty lock breaks free free from the cage slowly i peep out strange the sight is to see no bars around my chirpy throat makes the first musical sound towards the clouds i spread my wings and there i fly as my heart with joy sings the feeling is strange and refreshingly new to look below the yet caged i rue i reach the clouds with virtual ease other birds in the blue i mockingly tease speedily i dive in the deep dark seas picking the best fish joyously i feast i see my empty cage as i fly above happily bidding me goodbye with love the chickpeas now have lost their taste i shall never enter the cage in haste a caged bird again i shall be never freedom is not for trade for me ever *****
115
they she & i
good days are ahead good days are ahead they say are not here yet as i see though my shameless hungry belly refuses any longer to wait i squeeze the tattered towel to drink the muddy trickling water it is now three full days the towel is losing its patience too the sun outside is unrelenting i have lost my dearest singed wryly i look at my parched land its wrinkles deeper than my face the cadres drive down in hordes followed by leaders in spotless whites good days are just ahead they shout bad days are over now i look up at the cloudless skies the scorching sun mocking at me it seems that the gods too detest the poor wrinkled farmers like me *****
116
despair and hope
i see through all dark it is as darkness alone could be i could never frown at light my retinas eternally defiant though the eye lashes worked for what i knew never a black pair of glasses on my eyes which do not know what black ever was may be it is just dark as my eyes are destined to see i carry a stick tapping as i walk all the way i do trip on my steps though many kind unseen souls lend their hands to lead me on my ever dark ways blind i indeed am my colour is only black through raised dots on coarse papers i feel with my fingers and read the poems of romance and love
117
they she & i
though my eyes cannot see it is not gloomy around i paint my own world in many unknown colours of the unseen rainbow in varying shades of brightly black just lend your hand that i feel love does exist in this world and is just not alone all black like my mind keeps telling me ever *****
118
despair and hope
i wanna change this world i wanna change this world i wanna banish the fast food chains i wanna dry out the soft drink pains i wanna unplug the maze of wires i wanna blackout the virtual worlds i wanna sink all religions in the seas i wanna erase the maps of borders i wanna burn all the passports i wanna mute the piercing noise i wanna plug the belching chimneys i wanna pull down the sky-high towers i wanna cripple the guzzling SUVs i wanna stunt the hyper speed i wanna close all old age homes i wanna dump all refrigerators too i wanna stump the GM foods i wanna burn all the monies of the world i wanna give no shit to gold i wanna shut the education factories i wanna bury the health cemeteries i wanna smell the flowers in bloom i wanna taste the fruits from the trees i wanna comfort the old with hugs i wanna get food cooked fresh at home i wanna eat from my mother’s hand i wanna hear the lullabies again i wanna hear the sparrows chirp i wanna walk in a shower of rain 119
they she & i
i wanna see the twinkling glowworms i wanna let my feet feel the grass i wanna take a dip in the clean flowing stream i wanna hum the tunes I wish i wanna teach the kids of love i wanna move the clock backwards with a lot to care and with time to spare i wanna forever change this world *****
120
despair and hope
just bury me it was imperceptive and vanished hope the thirteen coils from the hangman’s rope as the knots grope the back of my ear the birds stop silent that my end is near no contrition the hangman bares in a hurry to finish and retire he stares the black hood is being readied in a few moments i would be dead and buried my eyes show no flicker nor any fear my smile now a stony leer the frail holy man mumbling to his god to atone all for hanging me the gloomy doctor is impatient too waiting to check and confirm my end whispers in my ear someone from behind if i have anything as a last wish too i plead them not to cremate me securing to bury me under the tree they forget for once that i am the seed to be reborn to set the oppressed free *****
121
they she & i
near death the body lay quiet and still as the frozen lakes over the hill cold as a fish in the deep fridge staring at me standing on the ridge the ladies behind the curtains wail the innocent kids joining the trail among the sons in whispers speak rest heirs eavesdrop in confused peek he is dead says a son in haste let’s cremate him in speed and taste they summon speedily a priest the greedy sons are for a quick heist one will retain the house for him and for the other the fertile fields fight begins on their share even as the body there lies bare the disinterested doctor walks in too the bewildered cow joins to moo checks the pulse of the body that lay he is still alive the doctor says
122
despair and hope
the wails grow even stronger and all the faces grow longer from their hands slips away the heist seems there is no joy in the least *****
123
they she & i
reach high reach high for the stars lie hidden in you race high thro’ the high and dense deep blue dream big for every dream precedes the goal dive deep to swim amongst the eager shoal strange it is the fish wish to fly with thee and strange it is the birds wish to swim with thee you must have on all cast a spell teaching them in love and harmony to dwell dream far to fill the skies with stars strive painting the scorched fields green spread the goodness in all things you do reach high for the stars lie hidden in you *****
124
despair and hope
saintly mother it was misty eyes everywhere around the pains of life once all forgotten as the pope decreed her a saint the nun from the slums of kolkata she braved the shells and stopped the war as she entered the mined lands she thanked god as she saved the children lying entrapped facing imminent death the lepers that the society shunned were dear to her whom she loved the kids many abandoned at her door were adopted too with love and care accolades and awards came by the dozens for peace she spread a coveted nobel too nothing slowed her speed and conviction as she went on to wipe the tears of the poor there may be murmurs on her funds that had come from a few despots around she put to use the monies to serve to serve the poor and the world
125
they she & i
she has always been a mother to all she is today a saint for all she will forever be cherished for love the poor in the world are poorer now *****
126
despair and hope
salute to mothers i wish i were a bird whenever you feel sad and low that i could fly you high in the sky i wish i were a tree that i could give you some shade when you are toiling under the scorching sun i wish i were a glacial river that i could quench your thirst anytime when your throat feels dry i wish i were a magic mirror that i could reflect your mind too whenever you fail to know yourself well i wish i were a special cloth that i could drape you around from the frosty winds and drenching rain i wish i were light that i could show you the way when you grope listlessly in the dark i wish i were your glasses that i could correct your vision when you go myopic and lose your sight
127
they she & i
i wish i were your mind that i could make you think all well whenever you stand confused or stray i wish i were your heart that you could love all forever better when hatred tries to permeate you i wish i were with you ever around that you could live better and enjoy the bounty god has bestowed god heard me and smiled all these and more you shall be you shall from now be a mother *****
128
despair and hope
sand castle my heart jumps with joy like i am a child on the beach all for myself on this vast stretch of sand kissed tirelessly by the pearly waves waiting to test all my skills my heart jumps with joy as i pin a leaf as the flag atop and my sweat drops on the moat around the castle that i had built the strikes of the waves seem futile as with each strike they hastily retreat i take a last glance as i retire to my room the sky awash with a scarlet flow setting sun all aglow i try peeping a last glance in vain the darkness around me soon gains i run to the beach at the crack of dawn to see my castle simply gone the tireless waves on the relentless game have gobbled my castle and its flag the waters seem to mock at me as my eyes wander the farthest sand
129
they she & i
my heart jumps with joy as i still see a vast stretch of sand kissed now by a tame and tranquil sea the water too seems to atone its sin undeterred i gather the sand to build again my castle on my land *****
130
despair and hope
shadow i thought you were real i thought you were my kin i have seen you clinging on me like my skin from the day i could think and see i traversed long in stifling times my soul crying with excruciating pain quiet you trailed with not a whimper past the labyrinth of my life’s many lanes time decided to call it a day my wrinkled body numb it lay i look for my kinsfolk around in good times they were abound not a soul is in my dimming sight upset i am at the obvious fright undeterred i look for my nameless kin my shadow that followed like a fin from my faded relations taking a cue you too deserted like the perfidious few i prepare to begin my lone long march in the shadow-less realm of the flowery arch *****
131
they she & i
sobs of the sand washed by the caressing waves purer in hue and shape i drape the cozy froth and stand clean and naive you came and lifted me kindling the fire within me pledging to make me pure and cure all ills of mine you changed my life forever in colours that i knew never in different forms and various shapes my life is now no more the lively same you filled me with the choicest spirits stoic and strong i stood stimulated with the spirits and not a moment did i brood without a sniff or sip i plumped but did not trip spiritedly i wondered why i did not sway and sing
132
despair and hope
little did i knew by the spirits that you filled and the havoc it wrecked shaking me with shame and rage i direly miss the frothy waves the beats of hum and the slash i wish i again were sand caressing the sprightly band can i again enter the fire yet again to be my old self spiritless that i may be but with the waves joyous and free *****
133
they she & i
steve jobs everyone around is overtly kind they know not that i knew it too the dreaded disease’s name is forbidden to be uttered anywhere near that i could hear the oncologist is not unknown to me so is the chemotherapy being given to me i take it with my stride not to disappoint the secret society around me i play cool too in pretentious calm my eyes closed i lie but hear the doctor’s whisper pleading his helplessness and to place faith in god hollow though it sounds like my unlimited wealth and the laurels that adorn me now are worthless in this terminal bed i lie pensive shackled with tubes pills and juices that no more work the meters recording the feeble beats my sole companions being the monotony of the beeps 134
despair and hope
i am just one of the few who can afford this bed luxury too in the traumatic death sad my heart feels for those poor who cannot afford and silently suffer we are brethren and co-travellers in our long and agonizing journey to the obvious end an end that no one can change nor can i *****
135
they she & i
story of a child labour i look at my cracked palms working in the hot kilns making bricks to build those tall towers flirting with the clouds i work with my parents who worked with their parents in lieu of the few rupees loan that they borrowed long long ago when i grow up and get married my wife too would have to work and so would my children and their children too our world begins here and ends just here borrowers of paltry sums our forefathers had sold their progenies to slog forever at this brick-kiln or the many around dreams too abhor us tired we sleep sound i though secretly have a weird desire to turn into a worm nestling in many thick books through its coloured pages deep i will burrow to enjoy the fables and die very slow *****
136
despair and hope
story of a drunkard i knew i was harsh lying on the pavement throughout the night drinking one too many glasses unaware as i passed out my body stinking dress soaked in the gutter i have to be back and seek the forgiveness of my ever tolerant wife this time my promise to abstain from drinking is for certain as much as my love for my wife i am sober and straighten up looking at my wretched self no i shall touch never a drop of alcohol in my life i rush back to surprise my wife the path to my home seems hazy i will manage with my wife even as i snatched her money from her meager savings often silently she bore with me not once rebutting me 137
they she & i
neither my shouts nor my beatings no more shall i ever drink i hurry home to see her again to seek her forgiveness and love as ever any time however late as i entered and banged the door she would be at the gate without a whimper carrying me in feeding me with the warm food changing my clothes like i was a child i used to kick and abuse only her for all my anger on this world i see now her body still and cold hanging from the ceiling above no remorse her face shows nor any anger towards me she through her fixed gaze seemed to be in a fatigue i hurry to see a small note that says do warm the food up and do not bang ever the door it will be for you open forever sorry i could not stay and am weak and decided forever to leave *****
138
despair and hope
the bell ringer i am hunchbacked and ugly to look at nobody would hire me the church employed me kindly at last i was like the fabled quasimodo during service and at special times hired to ring the heavy bell on the top i have for company the cawing ravens near the spires and close to the skies where winds whistle and tease my stay the bell to be heard loud and far i do pull really hard the obstinate hemp and unkind ropes bleeding my cracked palms like my heart no one does know that i too have a heart soft as the blooming flowers on the lawns i too long for a few kind words and a bit of love people address me not by my name that i too forgot they know me just as the ugly hunchbacked ringer devoid of smile and shamed by god i see a flurry of activities near the metal bell a few helmeted men are at work at the heights i try to reach them and am stopped i learn later that the a new system is in place and the ringing will have no place for me automatic it will be at the press of a switch
139
they she & i
i wrap my frugal belongings in my dusty bag and climb down the steep stairs with saddened heart how will i explain my love for the bell which alone responded to my laugh and call talking to me and sharing my pains i look up to see the distant bell like me distraught *****
140
despair and hope
the cremator the nagging drizzle seems forever on the dark clouds add to the somber mood the relatives have mingled with the darkness taking a few friends along with them too the sons stay back to end the rituals not for the love for the departed but in fear of the wily priest instilling fear of hell on one and all the corpse will burn in the pyre only till another dead is brought a lonely hungry dog in hopeful wait hanging around despite the rain for the cremator his job is boring impatient relatives concerned only on how long before the cremation ends over lives that have already ended the cremator’s wife collects a little leftover butter oil from each of the dead their usual meals she now will cook in the embers that are ever abound
141
they she & i
the sons collect the ashes and hurry to the flowing river soon the ashes will mingle and merge like the memories of the deceased too here comes another corpse and with that a bit more butter oil the hope for the dog lingers too with the hovering clouds and some more rains a bit more ashes in the river a bit more fear of burning hell as the cremator hums a listless tune leveling the timber and laying another body *****
142
despair and hope
the date-palm juice seller practice nudges me awake the cawing crows at the twilight have not woken up as yet but i as always effortlessly do the heel pains from the skin cracked i ignore the lesions and save the few last drops of oil the lamp is as lacerated too i silently rise not to wake my wife in sound sleep she has been in the same pose lying sick for long as i knew i must hurry and recheck the frugal luggage the rope, sickle and a few more pitchers the thorny trunks embrace me with all fondness pricking my thickened skin and tickling my senses instead
143
they she & i
i see each day with the same pleasure like a proud first-time father the fresh date-palm juice full to the brim to the distant bazaar i shall carry them to sell my wife has died unspoken she was for many years but listened to me always did her moist pupils grasping my rants i let the date palm juice to ferment i had never in my life let them to i shall later for once taste the toddy and die forever sinned *****
144
despair and hope
the dream farewell there comes in the distance the black engine belching smoke its hooting horn audible for miles around as village men hurry to leave for the town afar or receive their dears who though are very few the train stops nevertheless to quench its thirst and get topped with water i hide behind the bare brick pillars its sandy surface hurting my face there he is the handsome one in the platform with his luggage leaving the village seemingly for ever never for once to return was it all my fault i never gave him any signs how could i ever his looks were just so bland the village elders assembled below the great banyan tree praised him giving him a fitting farewell 145
they she & i
with a garland and a shawl gracefully he took them with a humble nod and that killing smile i peek from the crowd he just did not for once look at me he is now leaving without knowing those untold tales of my heart the train has arrived the few get down and a few up i see him seated near the window i have nothing more to lose i run waving like mad towards his coach my heart silently crying aloud his name my eyes are cloudy as the long whistle is blown it wasn’t a speck of coal as the train chugged over the platform is once again lifeless quiet my shoulder feels a tap i turn to see yet again his killing smile! *****
146
despair and hope
the eternal wait the long winding muddy road i continue to stare at often as i can looking for the frail old mail man pedalling his way in his worn out cycle struggling for a steady breath to reach my home and deliver a mail from my man with a smile to match a victorious knight i do not see the mailman for long yet i keep my faith waiting for the news from my man i do open the window often as i can the forlorn road staring at me the jeering silence only broken by the reckless jig of the honey bee i try to search for the cheery smile and wish to tear through the clouds above to catch a glimpse of his bright blue eyes miserably my long wait ends in vain has the distance eroded the memory of my man erasing me from his mind slowly but steadily as it only can 147
they she & i
my hope is strong and resolve as young but many summers have now rolled past me mocking at my stubborn self the ground is wet from the relentless rains drying too many a times in the scorching sun my sight has blurred knees weakened heart is numb and i am unable to cry the tears have long gone and the cheeks too dry the mail man may not be alive more but alive certain are my hopes aged i may have by many years but still young is my heart in wait *****
148
despair and hope
the forgotten souls the embers have died down lingers still though the strange smell of burnt flesh of her husband’s body now in ashes a mere bystander he was then out broke scuffles on the street it was one another election time and the tempers ran as usual high the stray bullet felled him to an instant death the body is released by the morgue the press covering every bit a stranger to all until he died there is scramble now to claim him theirs her husband their most loyal cadre away she is pushed and cannot reach the body of her husband, she is a stranger now the fight has ended on the ownership the photo shoots are over and all soon disperse as he lies now pitifully alone to carry his body she brings in the handcart the one he used to pull each day to live and earn
149
they she & i
no more crowds or the crafty press no more TVs and no more glare forgotten souls again now he and she *****
150
despair and hope
the ghost train when he was born his cries were muffled in the noise of the passing train his father would not leave his post until the only day train safely crossed he too is now old and long retired his shaking hands holding the green flag like the rusty nails on the sleepers he often waits for long waiting in vain for the unseen train he forgot in his aged brain that forever withdrawn was the train he did not know though why he rushed to guard the gates and could never desert his post the urchins throw stones at him the locals make fun of him they call him a mad man with the flag guarding the gate for a train that never was his hazy vision sees a train otherwise he blows the whistle to warn all off and tries to stop the cart on way
151
they she & i
his hands rise as the flag he waves slowly slumping to the ground it’s dark as his never train chugs forever away *****
152
despair and hope
the gravel in the shoe he could with ease cross the boulders that came between him and the way kicking them and stepping on them he had to though abort his stride under discomfort and pain in his shoe he unlaces to check and find a small gravel like a mustard in size he realizes that the boulders lying in wait though are huge could not deter his speed nor his spirit and with ease and ĂŠlan those he could cross but had to concede to the tiny speck that had sneaked and ensconced in his shoe and could hurt him like a flu with renewed sprint he revives his journey thinking of those who opposed him and thanking those who stood out to fight it is those who are in the hiding and the sly penetrating into his life and into his mind threatening his peace and racking his brain he now pauses to unlace to depose the strain *****
153
they she & i
the last cruise i sit silent for long beside the riverbed tossing the stones along the flow watching without any feelings as they hop for long to sink deep down to the tranquil depths in the turbulent undercurrents unseen above the bored sun too bids goodbye the chirping birds retire to their nests the fluttering butterflies are no more seen the croak of the toads challenging the hush nocturnes emerging from everywhere around undeterred i sit on with undying hope the silted divide in the middle of the river seems to drive a wedge in me i move not from the clayey banks the curious stars have gathered above i wait patiently for the boat to arrive on it will be my angelic love i can see a distant light flickering in the boat afar slowly sailing on my way with no oarsman on the deck i hurry to pull the boat ashore and see my lady’s body lie there still
154
despair and hope
she may be dead but her love can never die i silently slide alongside her pushing into the icy waters the boat seemingly takes the cue i am no more afraid of the gusty gales on our eternal cruise quietly we sail *****
155
they she & i
the masked the everlasting smile on the gleaming face lips stretched till the ears but all painted and fake the laughter is phony and is hollow as if rising from the unseen abyss the retinas burning like fire like the tossed coal in the pyre underneath the perceived smile lies hidden a crafty scowl the vicious fangs are visible too blood dripping from the jowl the satan doth has its way pretending as a saintly soul the gullible too like a herd follow to end in a terminal sorrowful bowl to tear the fake face away i have begun a valiant fight to wean the weary crowd and to make the world its usual bright *****
156
despair and hope
the stranger on the pavement oh the beautiful breeze it has returned in search of me for it i lie like a lover in wait braving the storms and the nagging rains people may have no heart but i have a big one walkers pass in a hurry disregarding my irreverent presence my features refuse to escape my dreadlocks and the bushy beard i am not shy to reveal my true self but do not wish to shame my kin what if i do not eat everyday what if i go thirsty all the way i have learnt to fill my lean belly with the sweet air nudging abound i have learnt to befriend the air though it is still wary of me i am waiting for the day to be carried and flown far away *****
157
they she & i
trust me no matter how much you provoke others to hate and shun me i shall not let go the last rose that i am clenching tight in my fist many of its petals have withered the thorn hurts my nimble fingers to me it represents my last and only hope so i shall not let slip the rose i did not by choice wear a hijab but that does make me any different from you and all others who are wary i am hurt beyond any words can describe i too was thrust a gun by those men who were masked and whose eyes snarled of hatred towards one and all i dared them and instead picked the rose up my stretched hands are towards you offering you my only possession the rose in turn i merely seek trust in me and those like me
158
despair and hope
come close to me and give me a hug and feel the truth and warmth in me smell the fragrance of the rose and feel my heart and the warmth in me *****
159
they she & i
vampire the wolves were howling owls screeching the darkness to my eyes invisible the thorns hurting me at every step the figure at a distance beckons me with a ring above his head like a lighted tree halo it is with a luminescent glow his black robe has a smoothly flow i knew not how but i was drawn the figure did smile but hiding its teeth erase i shall promises the mystery one all your sorrows for all times to come the halo now i see is hollow entrapped fireflies crying in sorrow hurting it is the bite in my neck oozing blood that fails to check hurriedly melts the figure like a dart in an unknown tongue yelling au-revoir fading in the dark its flowing robe halo and the flies falling apart
160
despair and hope
my two canines are now visible too longing to dig into any unwitting neck the ravens flapping above my head and a lonely wolf leading the tread devilish laugh i let out high emotions dry and i cannot more cry hurting me in the eyes are the golden glows on the distant sky *****
161
chapter v
nature
they she & i
a withered leaf and two ants i look around my types in various stages of withering their colours turning from an envious green to many shades of earthly sienna before bidding bye and biting the dust i love the tree its high branch in which i was born i am proud even arrogant i am the last leaf now fluttering in the branch two ants have made me their home mating many times a day their love profound i am even jealous of my lonesomeness i know my end is near as i get detached and glide in the air towards the static waters below
164
nature
clinging are the ants still on my back i am now dead my soul though is not my corpse is floating i still wish now to save the two romancing ants taken refuge on me i float until i see safe ground and ensure that the ants joyfully move away *****
165
they she & i
hurried walk disheveled, i had slept for long my face wrinkled and wee bit weird grey hair taunting and so does the flowing beard hiding hollows, where the teeth bid bye i try to smile and my look wry in light i take a careful step as not to hurt my disused feet long it seems the cobbled street mocking blue skies at its bright for long i missed such a sight the shining sun is far too bright through my retina it tends to pierce unbearable is the fierce light a million stars explode in my placid brain my eyes ache yet i love the strain with a feisty grit i tread along wobbly though my stride i relish i have for long missed the heavenly bliss living in the dark alleys days threadbare i hurry in haste with little time to spare the dew drops on the blades reflect the joy of the twinkling stars
166
nature
sad i slept for long and not once pause to tap my feet to the sweet songs of the larks heaven is right here and each day leaves a mark *****
167
they she & i
if you call me crazy so be it i love to sow the seeds watching the plants grow each day every day tender leaves and sprouting buds blossoming in colours watching them dance to the tune of the winds happy i am like a child laughing silently if you call me crazy so be it i run long on the green fields looking intently at the dark skies for the clouds to burst jumping to catch every drop that falls trapping the raindrops with my joyous open mouth delighting me through like the freshness of dewy grass if you call me crazy so be it in the dark forests i walk the solitary paths touching the trees caressing the bushes hugging the wide-eyed fawn 168
nature
with love and care in a mock race i chase the jumping hare i even hitch a hike back on a kind elephant if you call me crazy so be it watching the endless flowing stream bringing joy with bubbly froth i see the toads croak with joy dancing pebbles joining the song here all my life i am happy to spend and if you call me crazy so be it *****
169
they she & i
oasis the sand fails to burn and scald my feet used to the long walk i am never tired walking each day long miles from my home far away perched on my head deftly balanced in obedience are the several pots thirsty too as i am the mirages are now too common i don’t get more easily fooled by the water seemingly a few meters ahead i have learnt to look for water miles away the glimmer of the greens rekindle my daily dream here i reach the puddle of hope never grumbling on my limited scope the happy birds fly close as if letting me know that there is water still is in place that has not dried for my children i must fetch and rush back home
170
nature
in praise of the lord i sing in tune the walk may be long but not in vain just keep the base drowned o lord so that i can sing in your praise every day *****
171
they she & i
resurrection the path was arduous long and lonely i walk listlessly suddenly there appears a person i wonder who that he may be he replies as if read my mind i am god we walk the next few steps in an awkward silence what to speak i wonder to a stranger who seemingly knew all go ahead ask the person prods why this melancholy in the path it is quiet and strangely silent if you had created these why did you not sprinkle some life into it too i ask suddenly as if my ears existed no more my hearing ceased everything around me goes quiet a quietness i may feel only in my grave
172
nature
i am overrun with fear as i meekly ask could I have my hearing back please smilingly he nods i now hear the song of the nightingales the buzz of the bees the roar of the flowing streams and the flowing waterfalls adding as the bass and drums the blowing winds joining the nature’s band oh these did exist before too it was i who failed to note i admit as i turn to the stranger he smiles and nods and as i stretch my hand to thank i see myself embracing a tree which seems to smile back at me *****
173
they she & i
rush you claimed to have lived a full life and yet have not smelt a flower what life have you lived if you have not fondled with love a deer you claim that your ego is taller than the lofty hills but what is such growth if you have not trekked any hills you seem to be hungry for the luxuries all around you have not though ever dipped your feet in a flowing stream you say your heart is full of love with lovers ever all around but you have never felt love other than the love your wealth could buy you boast that you are immersed in wealth but you cannot get a good sleep and neither breathe normally ever all your wealth cannot buy health
174
nature
you are in rush a mad rush and have no time to wave at me too you are in a rush and forgot whatever you are living life for *****
175
they she & i
the forest the grass dance in jubilant joy and so too dance the weeds flowers dying to court the bees under the shades of the leafy trees waters from the snowy cliffs rolling down to meet the seas the pearly splashes kissing the fields to the melody of the whispering leaves the birds join the singing too the trees swaying happily in cue the curious clouds join the queue skies joyous in bright blue hues the humming birds and buzzing bees the thick foliage with awesome trees god you gave me so much to love teach me to value your treasure trove *****
176
nature
the last rain she were to go as she did each year we romanced like wild beasts whenever we met for the period together total love she gave drenching my soul and my thirsty heart i longing forever more its time she has come to bid bye and we lie in deep embrace in the mesmeric love our eyes closed for as long as i knew i am awakened by the withering leaves the flakes of snow on the grass its foggy and melancholic without her i prepare yet again for a long wait *****
177
they she & i
the parched lands the rivers had plenty of gush laughter and songs filled the fields back from the bazaar i used to ride my bullock cart selling my yield and singing songs with joy filled heart and cash filled bag the rivers got diverted as a dam was built it was a national cause on mike they yelled protected our interest it shall ever be solemnly they swore on god for all to see simple man with modest life i like others believed in all they said the lakes are now dry devoid of ivy its barren floor now a playing field i peep in to check the shallow shaft straining to see its bottom in vain the thorny bushes mock at me the future is parched for all to see i look at the disused post the rusted pulley lies wasted too the rope has done the vanishing trick assisting a few condemned ones like me with wasted lands and money all lost to hang from the nearest barren trees
178
nature
i stare at my hungry wife not eaten well for the past few days the boney children on the muddy floor in a fetal position all ready to go i take a gulp of the fiery fluid to join the list of the farmers who failed *****
179
they she & i
the renewed faith the mammoth chimneys belching smoke painting the tiny hamlet in a morose blanket of comatose grey the hapless old and the gloomy kids all covered in the sooty ash watch the whizzing moronic cars guzzling oil and farting gas the glassed and gated tall grey forts radiate a deathly heat the few ones on the street busy in talk in their tiny phones as they walk neither is a single dog nor a single tree nor any birds as far as eyes can see the flowing river that beckons is the discharge from the factories abound i wander listless to the farther lands in search of a creeper or a motley bug hoping against hope as i walk faith in me unwilling to die
180
nature
i see a pair of humming birds and follow them with renewed hope i am led to a world of flowers and bees the flowing stream quenching the trees chirpy children surround me singing and dancing in virtuous glee the welcome drizzle drives away the lows the distant dawn bright it glows *****
181
they she & i
the walker i walk the dreaded woods canopied trees blocking every light the darkness putting night to shame noise of the carnivores chilling my spine the fluttering wings of the startled birds failing to lift my lowly spirits finally i reach a dreaded dark spot to the magical emerging light from top like a baby just released from womb ripping through the thickly overgrowth there lies the path in my front bifurcated in even two both barely show any trace of use merely reads two smudged boards one stating i could forever be free the other i could walk all my life i stand static for a short while wondering the path i should chose with resolve i chose the path to walk i do not suffer from any mental block free in this world no one really is slaves of gods and their many priests as long as i live i would rather walk enjoying the nature’s undying feasts
182
nature
i see there in the distance her face hidden in a translucent veil the lady waiting with a winsome smile beckoning me to join her laid on the table with bread and wine my lonesome story has a new shine *****
183
they she & i
view anew just leave the kettle and the cups all concoctions coffee and tea discard the bottles from the cellar and shun the caviar and the champagne discard the branded pricey shoes the three piece suits and the bow ties the black coat dinners and the heady waltzes the guzzling sedans and long limousines keep aside the credit cards and wallets put aside your passport and IDs wipe your spectacles for onetime now to look around the world so new walk barefoot in the lush green lawns learn the rhythmic music of the waters sway with the trees and the gracing winds dance with the butterflies and the deer smell the fresh air from the heights feel the fresh snow on the slopes look at the larks dancing in the skies carry your child too and teach him to fly *****
chapter vi
nation
they she & i
amri the wires were dangling all over around myriads of meters in the hall abound it was all quiet with not a bit sound the ticking clock made the silence profound in the hall enough for beds just ten were several twenties crammed like in a pen the lone nurse was deep in sleep the ward boy too in his intoxicated trip i writhe and squirm in the bed as i lay tubes with fluids joining the sway the nurse, i panic and beckon in vain my silent cry cowers with pain i see the smoke from under the door like a hungry devil longing for more the windows outside are suddenly ablaze yet those in charge in a decomposed daze i came here to delay my death but the fury tosses me faster in the hearth the smoke now is black and thick cruel fate at me it smirks
186
nation
my voyage to the new abode has now begun with me many men and women in the dousing sprays we get drenched or is it the tears that our beloveds shed *****
187
they she & i
chamar (the tanner) i am a chamar a tanner i was born in the mounds of lofty red tannins and so were my children i eat and live in the place with the special stink that what offends others and i am well used to my fingertips are blunt bereft of any nail dissolved long ago from the lime and sulfide that are used to depilate hair from the hides that i tan from the animals that die a cow has died in the village turning all into a mourning mode its carcass has to be promptly moved until then no ovens are lit and no household cooks or eats i am the man of the moment and am hurriedly summoned
188
nation
any other day i would have been denied entry in the sacred lanes of the village where the higher caste alone reside i am an untouchable and my caste is far below so could be my children and theirs all by caste forever low the dead cow seems to smile mockingly at me having lived a life far better than me the upper caste people would not touch the dead cow and i must now hurry to lift the carcass alone though it is far too heavy many mouths are hungry and for once i don’t feel lowly as the village depends entirely on me *****
189
they she & i
elections tears away the eerie silence the wail of the widow her small frail children joining their mother in chorus of many obscure tunes her husband hale and hearty just until a few moments ago lies still on blood soaked floor flies converging over the clotting flow like hungry maggots longing for more today many have been widowed mothers siblings kith and kin all wailing in many places there is no dearth of flies vultures too are in eager wait no there has not been any war nor even small battle of sorts it is merely to cast their votes with bullets their bodies rolled and many hapless poor widowed
190
nation
no wail shall ever go waste nor as many bullets to block the way no hopes ever shall die finally the miscreants shall yield the way it shall be my vote the final say *****
191
they she & i
i long to sing i played hide and seek under the tall willow trees walking in the midst of the vast lilac saffron flower fields tying a wooden plank on my back from the slopes of khilanmarg i used to slide on the obstinate lazy ponies i enjoyed the listless rides inside the woolen phiran to keep me warm i enjoyed the kangri in the shivering cold i dreamt of love wandering in the valley of flowers or in the still icy waters of the dal lake friendly were the neighbourly pundits hurriedly forced to leave us all whisked quietly away in the night the world changed worse for all i have to show my pass at every corner my faith in my state in deadly shatter angry i too pelted stones at the forces the restraint and shame unable to bear
192
nation
i miss my chakri to tell you tales i used to play rabab like the sufis did i could have been your guide and held your hand taking you to the lakes and the snowy peaks no one offered any flowers to me nor any steaming kahwah to celebrate us but it is pellets of hatred of a kind blinding people with fiery mind youth like us do not like to fight much less so to become blind many years have passed in agony and cries i wish the angel of peace yet again smiles
Kangri – warming stove with embers Phiran – the long woolen gown they wear on top Kahwah – Kashmiri green tea with cinnamon and ginger Chakri, Rabab are musical instruments Sufism - the name for the inner or esoteric dimension of Islam, which is supported and complemented by outward or exoteric practices of Islam *****
193
they she & i
kashmiri pundits my home below the tall willow tree was felled before my eyes as the hopes and dreams that i had vanished in front of me satiating the hungry wolves that had gathered below the tree i wandered for days and months in snow and rain sun and dust until i was sheltered in plains and in tented camps forced to ignore the beauty of heights and the smell of my mighty willows i now long to go back and build my small little home in the snowy land that i was born i do not want any more to be the pawn in the listless battle and be sawn *****
194
nation
my name is shaktiman my name is shaktiman i am a proud white police stallion working for the law upkeep a deterrent to the lawbreakers the day too was like any other seemingly some form of protest as always it is in my country my rider watches calmly as do i suddenly i see a raised stick the face i recognize as a lawmaker i am still calm and enjoy the drama he or they cannot hurt me ever oh my god that was painful the blow on my leg was too fierce just then one of them pulls my saddle i cry silently and slump gravely hurt today i am amputated of my fractured leg the minders were kind to fit a stump why me what i did ever do wrong to them a proud police horse i am no more
195
they she & i
please realize that i have no voice nor am i a party or support any isms incidental that i am commissioned i am as much god’s child and love you all p.s: the injured horse died a few days later *****
196
nation
story of an onion farmer the black soil has not betrayed onions have grown aplenty i take my tractor out wipe the dusts off the umpteenth time wearing my clean and starched white dress with a matching nice white gandhi cap i head to the farmers market to sell my produce at a fancy price i shall on my return stop at the shops buy dresses for my kids i shall drop at the florist too and buy nice red roses for my wife i see many more tractors in the market all dusted off and shining bright lofty hills of onions i see prices below the farming costs the wily middlemen have disowned me a kind one offering me just the transport cost i walk with resolve to the farm-care shop and buy a bottle that kills the pests
197
they she & i
the onions i unload from my cart like a waterfall they pour on the street i gulp the contents of the bottle prices no more matter like my dismal life a farmer commits suicide the news reluctant in an obscure column of a hidden page no one would see i am a farmer and was so destined to be *****
198
nation
the culprit caught the servant was shivering the sight for him was apocalypse missing in the garden were the spinach the violet aubergines and so were the turnips too he had no time to sneak out to the bazaar buy up the vegetables to pass them off as home grown fresh as it was the time for his masters call his master was no just ordinary man he was a mighty judge and could do undo anyones fate and everyone life him, the politicians too feared and none dared to cross ever his path hidden behind the bushes snipers took vantage positions cameras were fitted the wily thief could yet return 199
they she & i
to sneak and steal the pricey vegetables again he had to be caught and face the law the town declared a curfew people confined to their homes posters adorned all walls offering handsome rewards for apprehending the dreaded thief later in the darkness was heard an intruder merrily chomping the plants lights were on in the estate the town gathered at the gate but the culprit was a black goat nothing of it the judge would have and ordered arrest of the thief the goat was sent to the prison and lived thereafter munching bread *****
200
nation
the decadence sun will lose all its light plunging the world into darkness rise will all the oceans engulfing the mankind fires will rage in the dense forests animals all roasted alive all this and much more if we lose our trust in ourselves to open up to rise and dare to point our fingers at those depraved who were mandated to lead us and carry us all to glorious heights towards peace and prosperity instead they are accelerating the decadence and creating rift in the name of gods driving us all deep down under
201
they she & i
demolishers not just of industry and farms of lives and property but hopes hopes on which you and i and many like us live precariously for a little glow in the dark tunnel of light *****
202
nation
the divide facing the formidable challenges, i have learnt to live my life i live under a shed the holes in the roof to me the stars it pours more in than out the rains try tirelessly to cleanse me in vain i eat the scraps that i share with my friends some cawing and some wagging their tails i thank the almighty and his benevolence in leaving me and others enough to eat and stuff to our hearts content from the bins that lie abound i belch with a melodic sound gazing at the countless stars i lie and the towers reaching the farthest skies where the wealthy live caressing the clouds conversing forever with the stars i never wish to be as wealthy nor do i seek friends in the clouds but i do long to whisper to the stars *****
203
they she & i
the farmer the farmer’s figure was taller with the graceful cap that he wore in style dusty his white dress from the unkind winds his smile shielded his shredded hopes the harvest has been bad this year too like in the past the produce few ever since the new dam was built the future for him was forever hit many sugar mills now dot the region sucking water every available drop sugar they produce to sweeten the tongues has made his life bitter as his crop the diverted rivers do not take kindly nor the curses of the felled trees devoid of any water in its hold the dams too stand naked and shamed like the locusts the press arrives in hordes as do the leaders in fancy cars the TV crews as soon the bytes shot all pack and vanish quietly from the spot
204
nation
i come out of the farmer’s home we have made him shrink in size as his starving stunted crops in field mourning in sadness and sharing the pain *****
205
they she & i
the fateful night just until the last sunset we were a happy family close as a community closeted within our village all using a common well where everyone helped and pulled water for each other what did happen last night my neighbours have now shut their doors someone stops our access to water food to our hungry children the village shop refuses to sell cuddled in fear in a dark corner of our homes we have become pariah and lonely menfolk in the village sharpen their swords magical birth make the lighted torches there is venom in everybody eyes every female of whatever age now threatened of rape and branded whores this is not the village i was born whatever could go wrong just in one night *****
206
nation
the fenced farm the world now a crammed farm all humans sheep the leaders shepherds the lands turning warm force fed are the sheep with only posters from elections with photos of criminals constipated they silently suffer the sheep are devoid of any wool and stand skinny sans any flesh scooting gratuitously at the gestures of their controlling crafty masters some sheep have been trained to dance and some in singing bawdy songs some can walk on just one leg comply they all in the fenced farm large screens adorn the farms showing the sheep fighting the lions the victorious sheep devouring the lions and spared lions scurrying in fear
207
they she & i
the hungry skinny sheep rejoice and jump as the butcher herds them to the small gate they think they are uniting with gods as they have forever been taught *****
208
nation
the magic wand it’s a story of a rat living in a hole looking for the worms and crumbs under the bushes one day a fairy appeared granting it a magic wand that can turn into gold all that is touched by the wand the proud rat is now out from its hole with its wand which it waves in the air humming a tune with nothing much to do the other creatures surround the rat with curiosity to see the proud rat explains that though it is merely a rat possessed now it is with a magic wand that a fairy has gifted the rat turning into gold that the wand would touch they all think that the rat is drunk or plain mad they laugh aloud many sneering loud the rat opens the cover and touch a stone with its wand lo the stone now turns into precious glistening gold the rat is now crowned as the king of the forest it is funny to see lions and elephants and giraffes kneel in front of the rat their heads bowed down but the rat keeps a stern face as just a king lion would do
209
they she & i
days pass and so do months, the rat stops hunting for food tasty fare is brought by all subjects the lion the former king laments his loss though and employs two foxes to challenge the rat the angry rat retorts and swings the wand to prove at the touch of the wand the tree turns into gold the nesting birds fly out in horror their chicks turning golden too the rat now is a prisoner in a golden tree with a magic wand *****
210
nation
the municipal elections the puddle before my house stank and so did the garbage dump in my front the cleaners with the brooms cared less the filth grew as did my stress a part of town now is bright in white interspersed with varying blues the city once called a city of joy a piece of london that i too dreamed but tripping on hawkers at every walk festoons now blink like colourful stars in a hurry the filth is cleared overnight the smell too vanishes in a speedy flight i stand in the queue with my ID proof everyone with a smile offering help at the voting booth i feel like a king i cast and exit like a monkey on a string my home beckons now devoid of the flags surrounded i am in the familiar stink *****
211
they she & i
the pigsty the sty is merely a ten feet square crammed into it a hundred or more pigs they have no right to oink nor squeal the keeper maid handles in her vilely style letting the pigs to grunt only when she likes the maid decides the diet fit for the pigs the feed that they grab with a hungry jig the ones that shun are often showed the gun stale food the pigs with disdain chew lest they will land in the bowls as stew the keeper maid has decreed a regimented life the pigs shall lead pretend they do as if they all heed waiting on their wings and dying to be freed hoping for a savior in the white steed one day the maid dreams the pigs can fly calls the folks to watch and opens the sty the old and the haggard opting to stay the other pigs tear their way into the woods the startled maid gets traumatized and broods *****
the story of dana majhi my name is dana majhi one of those million faceless poor fortunate with a name to call out in a country without any heart or soul i look intently at my wife amang losing her title now for a second time known now only as a body, dead her smiling face braving her death the hospital denies for her a hearse known to all my pauperdom and mess my daughter’s face is emotionless as mine as we wrap amang and prepare for the walk i live not in the street across my village melghara is sixty miles far undeterred i begin the long march carrying her her last and for my daughter and me a first as my daughter unwraps the sheet to see i prepare to cremate my loving wife my wife seems to have been crying all the way even in death for troubling me *****
they she & i
214
the disquiet world
chapter vii
the disquiet world 215
they she & i
bloody world i was born to lead by the front i was born to carry the cocked gun i was born to fight the holy war i was chosen as the rising star so did the holy men say what if i kill a few innocent kids or what if i bury a few obstinate alive and what if i rape a few hapless girls all is forgiven in the name of almighty so did the holy men say to plant the car bombs in the square to burn the places of worship and peace to keep a cold face amidst burning corpses all acts are passage to heaven so did the holy men say it is a wailing entry into this bloody world my newborn obliterates my ever chasing gloom its innocence wins me over breaking my mold picking the buds with a hope of bloom throwing the gun away i shun the holy men *****
216
the disquiet world
gaza she stole a loaf of bread to feed the kid as she stepped back in her home in rubble her effort ending in a vain bid her hope for the future like a burst bubble yet again the sky is filled with fiery tails the barrage from the guns booming like hail somber the lady waits for the daybreak lies in her lap the singed baby draped the sweeping winds hoot around reverberating with the sultry blitz abound the precariously hanging slabs overhead cannot evoke any fear she had long shed the walls make the sieves ashamed baring the hidden and blasted roofs men against men in a tectonic fault will the messiah ever call the wars a halt *****
217
they she & i
immortal spirit the day was like any other as surreptitiously they stepped in charlie hebdo the signboard read the masked ones heavily armed pumped the bullets on all present around soon the satirical magazine office was painted all red as a dozen bodies lay in the flowing blood exterminated they may have the lives the soul of peace they cannot ever touch they could have merely dried the inks the spilt blood shall remain forever wet they had burned merely the papers the whole sky now provides the canvas immortal is the freedom of expression to resolve against terror binding the nation *****
218
the disquiet world
my homage to charlie hebdo my post i shall give up never nor shall i panic to the threats ever grave weapons those they carry do not rile me nor do i ever worry just the other day they shot with fun impunity the sick lot killing many innocent children in peshawar the filthy mind has irreversibly rot the satirists they shot to kill this day the skeptics’ blood forever they bay they kill the tolerant as the french are known their devious cover too would soon be blown cowards they are and if they think killing people would get them votes or my likes in fear support they have to live and die in a moat as i do believe in my rebirth for my option if you pose i would choose the feisty festoon braving to draw many a cartoon *****
219
they she & i
my name is paris the mystic dusk is yet again back couples hurrying to revive their lives the delightful cabarets at champs elysees show my indestructible soul that forever thrives corks from dom perignon exit with joy the bubbly filling the flute glasses fast the clinks reveal the mood and revelry the rose vendors too have a field day music is no more mere melancholies and are filled with many romantic tones boeuf bourguinon is hot on the plates feet teasing under the table the distant eiffel glows with pride draped in diamonds blinking bright the cruise boats are full with awes and the monuments shine in the golden glow seine flows and shall forever flow pollens from the flowers shall again blow the fragrant perfumes float around the streets the art galleries regain the patient queues
220
the disquiet world
there is no place for guns in my land hatred scorn are forever banned i know no colours nor care about faiths i believe in joyous living for one and for all i am known to be free and wild and will remain forever just the same my undying spirit it is me i am paris and on a hugging spree *****
221
they she & i
omran daqneesh my name is omran daqneesh my home aleppo skies i have always seen filled with angry fireworks i have grown up with light and noise like my elder brother ali who had died today we have seen no toys and played with empty shells sometimes live too until our mother scolded us we have never been to a school all occupied by forces fighting fighting with whom though i know not i am covered with dust and clotted blood rescued i sit simply dazed not even blinking at the flashing cameras i know the time left for me too is not long as i long to be with my brother if the bombings continue this way my parents can soon join us too *****
222
the disquiet world
paris killings white ants have crept in eating away a few of my cherished books though rare the books indeed were i shall not raze my home nevertheless just to kill the vermin incorrigible i announce loud that i shall write rewrite all my books eaten away all the beautiful trees on the boulevards and the woods jostle and plead with me praying that they be chopped to make unending reams of papers as the bloodied waters of seine begging to be used as ink the destroying white ants shall soon begin eating their own kind annihilating their own clan roses shall again bloom on the graves of the martyrs the tears of the near and dear will dry and smiles would be seen the river now red with the blood of the french dead
223
they she & i
will once again revert clean champagne will flow and music will once again be heard *****
224
the disquiet world
peshawar my heart wishes to burst in fury flooding the earth with my flowing blood drowning all terrorists and their strain erasing forever their dastardly stain my head is throbbing in seething anger on the cowardice of the misled men annihilating the innocent kids no reason ever can justify this humanity is transfixed in shame and shock it is for the world now to take a stock no more roses no more benches nor any mercy for the rats in the trenches wake up sleepy leaders in governments stand up against the butchery traits beheading abductions and killing must end begin a peaceful new world order and trend each father and mother i mourn with you as a hapless human i weep with you anguished i am i write to soothe you your agony is forever and my words are very few *****
225
they she & i
the dark continent i land in the dark continent many skeletons help me with the luggage place of stay opulent though only men missing to shove the mashed food in my gaping mouth i am here and so are others few faces grim and many with laughter drowning the deafening silence of my somber mood the clinks of the glasses filled with the choicest wines belying the calamity that has struck all around i sneak out to see and feel the pain skin it seems a reluctant cover for the bones the bulging eyes frigid like they’re stoned spine and pelvis sprouting from the voided belly their curse my moist eyes searches in vain many bodies lie in dried feces some wet in their own fluids accentuated are the colours of their skin by a swarm of disappointed angry flies finding no blood from the bodies starved of food water to drink i do not find a drop a small child crawling to the dirty puddle
226
the disquiet world
no one around to bury the dead healthy hounds and vultures around never squabbling with their food abound my emotions dry as my tears deep guilt i now profess whatever these millions did to invite an eternal wrath and unending misery i ask the distant uncaring and busy god i am back at the endless long table laid with the choicest wines and food the despot rulers making many billions trading their minerals and their minions their lies the dark continent forever dark it lies *****
227
they she & i
the fetters still hurt i knew not what lay across the seas standing tall in the thickets i loved my baobab trees lions and gnus abound the hills with the silverbacks water flowed all around fertile forever were all my tracks like my brothers i too hunted limited only for my food never for mounted trophies those adorn the walls of the tasteless rich comes the new terror that holds the sway the whites arrive with loaded arms capturing and spiriting us away in vessels disturbed sleep filled with alarm we churn the oars and brave the rain through the oceans many uncharted paths many of us silently succumbing to pain we were cursed and carried the wrath of gods
228
the disquiet world
like for the cattle firebrands they put the lashes from the leathery whip neither made me wince nor shed tears my mind too was stunned in their steel grip centuries may have passed since then my colour is still the same i am the first to be hauled up guns thrust at my face to tame my memories have faded of the spears i long forgot the bows and arrows i fail now to recall the tall baobabs but still long to fly home as the sparrows *****
229
they she & i
the little girl the tired eyes are still alert through the window slit out she peeps tears flowing from her cheeks to her world has become strange her life this day has forever changed at the little girl’s feet lies her mother still and cold as her little brother the gunshots outside have not ceased she wants to run and fetch a doctor despite dead, her mother still holds firm the girl’s stained frock the girl braves the cold wind stepping out and opening the door a few strangers with masks stare not realizing her pain and despair *****
230
the disquiet world
the refugees the boat sways perilously startling the dolphin pod the salty froth splashed in my mouth does not suppress my thirsty throat and copulates with my salty sweat i couldn’t have though moved even if i desired to i sit still on the crowded deck shivering in cold as many others do men women and many children staring at the endless deep blue with starving faces but hope in their eyes kept in dark by the crafty crew many days more the voyage is due the banter has died down the eerie silence noisier than the sea the ramshackle boat takes no more panels crack gushing the water in the swaying ends and more stars shine faith that i profess all the curse it bore the batons and guns are ready on shore
231
they she & i
unwelcome i could be in many a land i have no need to feel more banned as i sink to the vast bottom of the deep sea *****
232
the disquiet world
the shattered peace the uneasy calm lies shattered the splinters from the broken glasses and the stomp of the running feet breaks the peace and wakes me up the weather beaten doors and windows clinging precariously to the frame just as my wrinkled skin covers my frail boney frame with trembling feet i gather my strength to sneak a peek at the violent game men young and old are in a tearing hurry in agitated minds and torches aflame reminiscent of the wars i had fought are the noises from the exploding bombs our own brethren now are enemies the nation suffering a bloodied scar i open the door curious and cautious bodies scattered near and far split by beliefs and divided by thoughts we are a state within ourselves at war *****
233
they she & i
the unholy war there she lay below the tiny mound the grass has grown, a few wild flowers too ‘hurriedly she went’ the tombstone read the blast was close the flash blinding quick to die she felt no pain nor any need for long suffering in the wards mangled body charred beyond recognition for the heartless it was a holy war making my home and caring my children nursing my mother and waiting for me being a good human and helping one and all never she did hurt even a fly in her life what is holy in this war where countless such bodies lie buried names unknown and graves unmarked save the wild flowers, sharing the grief *****
washed ashore the kid was alive and kicking until a few hours ago in a world torn with religious strife over unseen gods and its purported beliefs each one killing every other one even the horrendous voyage on the crowded ship was fun for the innocent little one who was born and had grown amidst the bomb blasts and the droppings from drones his parents were a worried lot more than for themselves for their only son they wished to reach the free world where you can pluck flowers and not step on mines his parents disappointed the kid and left to die deep down the seas the tidal waves tried their best to reach the kid to some shore of the free world but were late as his lifeless body washed over the beach
they she & i
the kid was alive and kicking until a few hours ago he could have never been a threat to nations on the go the caressing waves cry on the betrayal by one and all *****
236
our flag and heroes
chapter viii
our flag and heroes 237
they she & i
pathankot it would be monday the first day of the week my daughter’s birthday she would be five her smiling face haunts me i am restless though it is now only saturday i have to be the first one to wake her up and wish a happy birthday i hear the gunfire intrusion in the airfield i hear whispers though my men could well take care i dash to lead by the front i have them surrounded the cowards who have dressed like us and have intruded into my barracks i shall have no sleep until i clear the weeds the terrorists could be many and spread around to snipe
238
our flag and heroes
suddenly i feel a sting somewhere around my chest i am speedily led to the infirmary i hear that i have bled a lot i care not but ask how many have i shot i hear not the mumble voices i remember my daughter’s birthday her smiling face too fades away *****
239
they she & i
RIP lance naik hanumanthappa i do not know the heights of the mounds of snow i am buried under i could see the avalanche the huge mass of white hell racing down towards me the sound deafening and the vision blurred i could only wait numbly at the force of nature against which i was trivial it came swiftly buried me and my brothers silently they lie their last breath parting way i held and could not die i had to hold my country’s flag high i lost count of days i lay buried beneath the mounds of ice i faintly hear as i am hauled up needles pierce and fluids pass through my numbed body mass i think of my wife and my little girl but the thought of the heights 240
our flag and heroes
lying unmanned now makes me shudder as i clamour to get up all in vain i cry silently in my heart i hate to die here any soon and would like to guard the heights fighting the enemy at my best god if i do have to die make me take birth as hanumanthappa yet again to guard the snowy heights in my next birth i wish to pursue my unfinished fight *****
241
they she & i
siachen the weight is heavy the backpack helmet the oxygen cylinder weapons in hand ammunitions on waist hazing the sight the snow goggles ropes and ice-axe the weighty thermal wear the heavy snow boots ropes and a shovel too goal mine is just one as are for all my brothers treading in a meter-deep snow in these harsh heights above the heights which belong to us to me you and everyone of us our job is to defend our land from the treacherous enemies who lie in wait to pounce and ambush us i try to recall my wife’s face my child’s innocent smile my sight is hazy and i must focus on the deceptive whites 242
our flag and heroes
of endless snow the game is simple to kill or get killed to defend my land i must live my family waits in hope *****
243
they she & i
the republic day the chivalrous men play the bugle their sounds tearing the cloudy skies the rhythms of the drumbeat reverberate through the columns of men and women standing in reverence in pin-drop silence the flag is raised on the high pole flowers shower down as it unfolds the forces raise their guns in respect as the host proudly looks up and salutes the nation celebrates as the parade begins gently sways the tricolour above i do not know why my eyes turn misty in joy be it on the cricket grounds or in any distant corner of the globe my heart melts when i see our flag flutter my country could have many a flaw i forget all when I see our high flying flag the gentle sway reminding my mother her hand tenderly stroking my head on whose lap i used to lie with joy *****
244
our flag and heroes
the tricolor as the tricolour was being raised born anew a billion dreams as the flag deftly unfurled alive came a billion hopes as the petals showered from above joy and peace filled the heart as the flag swayed in front faith was renewed near and far sporting the tricolour a billion hands waving with fervor on this day each one as indian it proclaims and all are equal it reiterates i wish the flag were hoisted every day and all indians proudly say we are above all indian citizens with a great flag in a great state *****
245
they she & i
the unsung heroes with a phony calm the peaks beckon they deter us not the daunting heights i look behind my committed crowd ready to take on the enemy’s might i command the bereted loyal men numbering just about a handful ten their many faiths and many religions many tongues too with the goal common braving the heat and braving the snow combing the seas and depths too low braving the bullets and mines unkind we strive to deal a deathly blow flying shrapnel deafens and blinds i jump to save my loyal kind losing a limb numb i remain for the bugle to play and rise yet again our battle scarred faces are not known neither our names nor our toil unsung like me many of us perish for a contented living that you may relish *****
246
our flag and heroes
the valiant fighter the black warrant has been issued i am offered my choicest last dinner suddenly i see a trace of kindness i decline and go for my usual conjee in the wee hours i am bathed under the watchful eyes of the jailor dress in crisp cloths, crisp i though know not why against the enslavement of my nation defying the rulers i had raised my voice a brute or two i finished off too i have no remorse and am very proud i am led against a wall of death the parish with a holy book invoking god the doctor is there to confirm my death i am asked for my last wish if ever be one please do not shoot me nor decapitate i say i explain i do not want my head to slump and be misjudged that I hung my head in fear or if my severed head rolls down to their feet
247
they she & i
and be misconstrued that it lay at their feet in abject surrender the hang man covers my head in black hood as i hold my head high shouting jai hind *****
248