The Gift of Boundaries (Featuring Dr. Eleni Boosalis of Del Ray Psych

the gift of boundaries

Story by Dr. Eleni Boosalis of Del Ray Psych

The holidays are upon us, along with all the associated stressors—the socially distanced holiday parties, gift giving, card sending, homeschooling and cookie making—all while trying to maintain some sanity amidst a persistent pandemic. Additionally, this time of year presents us with numerous opportunities to set boundaries for ourselves and for the loved ones in our lives. This year more than ever, setting boundaries with others is imperative. In a world where we crave both safety and social connection, we are faced with the challenge of balancing both. We desire to connect with others, yet want to stay socially distant. We often look forward to seeing certain people every holiday, but this year we may experience a heightened sense of stress as the holidays approach. 8 • VIP ALEXANDRIA MAGAZINE

This month, take inventory of who and what feeds your soul. Notice if you are feeling pressured to say “yes” to social and family gatherings. Ask yourself if you really want to go to certain events or if you are simply saying “yes” out of guilt. In order to truly practice self love and decrease stress this holiday season, notice if you are making yourself a priority or if you are putting everyone else’s needs before your own. Do you find that you avoid expressing your opinion for fear of creating conflict? Is it easier to “keep the peace” and not “rock the boat?” These are all great questions to consider as you take inventory of where to create emotional boundaries and set verbal and non-verbal expectations for what you are comfortable with. Here are five tips on how you can start setting emotional boundaries for yourself. Although it may initially seem daunting, taking small steps toward

creating these new behaviors will get easier, and they will be met with less resistance as they become your new norm. Five emotional boundaries you can start using right now:

1. Make a plan for what you are comfortable with

before responding to an invitation. You can buy some time by saying you will think about it. First, decide what you are comfortable with. Second, mentally and verbally rehearse your response. Lastly, commit to executing your plan. Expect possible pushback and plan for that as well. 2.Learn that it is OK to say “no.” Sometimes the only way to say “yes” to self care is to say “no” to requests that come at you. Ask yourself why you feel inclined to readily say “yes” to requests for a zoom happy hour, outdoor play date or a work responsibility that doesn’t belong to you. Is it because this brings joy to your life or because you fear rejection? Is it because you feel energized by that group of people or because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings? Notice if you are truly taking your needs into consideration or if you tend to put your needs last on the list. Sometimes saying “no” is the first step to making yourself a priority. Protect your time— it has value, and you can’t buy more time on Amazon. Spend it wisely—on whatever feeds your soul or that which is absolutely necessary. 3. Replenish your emotional bank account. If you cannot get out of an “obligation,” make time to replenish yourself. Make yourself a priority when you feel depleted. Replenishing could be alone time, a long bath, reading a book, dancing, taking a walk, creating, cooking, vegging on the couch or doing anything that feeds your energy and your soul. 4. Practice assertive communication. Read up about communication styles. There are generally four styles of communication. They include passive aggressive, avoidant, aggressive, or assertive communication. Assertive communication is the goal. A good way to remember assertive communication is by using the acronym HARD: honest, assertive, respectful and direct. Be honest and direct about what your expectations are in a respectful manner. Then follow through. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Instead of saying, “YOU are so pushy,” you can say, “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” You are not responsible for protecting other people’s feelings by avoiding your own. As long as you are respectful in your communication, a friend’s bruised ego isn’t your responsibility. In general, if saying “no” causes a rift in a relationship, it is likely not a healthy relationship. 5. Become comfortable with ALL your feelings. There are no negative or positive feelings. These are just labels. All feelings are important, and all feelings are informative and valuable. Anger can let you know something is wrong

and a boundary is being violated. Fear can protect you from poor choices. Happiness can let you know you are doing an activity that feeds your soul. Fatigue can let you know you’re depleted and need some time to replenish. Acknowledge your feelings. Don’t avoid them. If you do, they will come back to bite you. They can manifest as a back ache, a headache, anxiety, sleep issues, depression and a whole host of other symptoms. Emotions serve to inform you. They’re energy in motion, and are meant to rise and fall. Allow them to move and examine them with curiosity. This holiday season, make a commitment to protect your physical and emotional boundaries. No more saying “yes” to something you are actually feeling uncomfortable with. You are your own advocate. As cliche as it sounds, you have to love yourself first. Be kind, patient and nurturing with yourself. Peace and love come from within. Building your resources within will benefit both you and those around you. Fill your well, so that you may give from a place of abundance rather than a place of depletion. Del Ray Psych and Wellness wishes you a Happy Holiday season and most abundant New Year filled with love and hope, and growth!

meet the doc

Dr. Eleni Boosalis, PsyD is Licensed Clinical Psychologist, co-owner of Del Ray Psych and Wellness and podcast host of 'Why does this keep happening to me?' www.delraypsych.com

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NOTHING IS TRULY DEFINED. All things change with time.

THE AKEEL L. ALI STORY

Story by E. Brocky McKnight of Whiskey & Kicks

As a true believer in the Law of Attraction, when I have that gut feeling that tells me, “this person is dope,” I typically trust that instinct. This was certainly the case when I met Akeel L. Ali, AKA, Black Frontiersmen. To say this gentleman is a Renaissance man would be the understatement of the decade. He can be found partaking in anything from painting amazing portraits of prominent African-American figures—such as Sade, Harriet Tubman or Angela Davis—to cycling 100 miles on his hard-working road bike. “It just depends on the day. As you can see, I am an ‘in the moment’ kind of guy. Cycling and backcountry snowboarding are my escapes.” I was first introduced to Akeel while he was working as a DJ at a bar in his native Washington, DC—yes, he does that, too. To quote the man himself, “On any given day you can catch me grooving to some Blue Eyed Soul or Yacht Rock—I listen to anything from Ravi Shankar to The Mighty Sparrow and everything in between.” The day we met, I remember hearing J Dilla and maybe a bit of Nas, as well. Two of my absolute favorite hip hop Artists of all time. At that moment, something told me, “you must know this human.” Upon following Black Frontiersmen on Instagram, I found out that he is also an incredible artist. As a lover of abstract art, I became an instant fan. Not only of his work, but of something inspirational inside this human being that manifested itself on the canvas.

[My uncle] Andrew was shot and killed when I was 20, and I felt he handed me the paintbrush and said ‘go.’

“[My uncle] Andrew was shot and killed when I was 20, and I felt he handed me the paintbrush and said ‘go.’ My bedroom at the time was his old room—the place where he had created for years—so I couldn’t escape his energy. [Before that] I had never even picked up a paintbrush, except in basic art classes in school.”

Filmmaker, photographer, painter, DJ, activist, cycling fanatic, snowboarder, hiker…is there anything else you’d like to share, sir? “Most people do not know that I drove a Zamboni for several years at an ice rink in Maryland.” I must buy this guy a whiskey. Here’s your key to the Man Cave, my friend! What is the concept of a man cave? It’s typically a limited amount of space where a man can be himself without interruption. Now, I could go on about Akeel. From him traveling to Alaska to film the Iditarod and meeting the great explorer Col. Norman Vaughan, to him sneaking into Billie Dee Williams’ private gallery showing in Georgetown, DC—and actually forming a relationship with the man—to him working as a filmmaker on the Tribeca Film Festival featured documentary, “Time Is Illmatic,” based on the aforementioned hip hop artist Nas. Yes, I could go on. However, as I said, time and space are both limited. So, I will leave with some words from the man himself: “Without art in all of its forms and mediums, the world would certainly be a much darker place. Respect artists. I didn’t ask to be an artist, it’s just who I am. The creator bestowed some skills upon me and shined the light, so I ran with it. This is how I support myself 24/7. Working artists deserve to be paid, just like any skilled professional that provides a service. All art ain’t free! Art is a lifestyle for some, a job for others and a hobby for many.” Keep pushing, brother Akeel. Follow him on IG at @blackfrontiersmen or reach him through his management at www.sasseventseventsdc.com

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FIRST NIGHT ALEXANDRIA

NEW YEAR'S EVE... REIMAGINED

Story by Liesel Schmidt

By all accounts, 2020 was…a lot. As a nation, we faced a health crisis unlike anything we’ve experienced in modern society; and it had a fall-out that affected everything, including social gatherings. The entire country went into lock-down, forcing us all apart and wishing for the day when we could all come back together. Fortunately, we’ve begun the recovery process; and as the last seconds of 2020 tick down to the first moments of 2021, we have great hopes that the new year will be one worthy of celebration. With that in mind, the 26th year of First Night Alexandria is a highly anticipated event, and one that the local community desperately needs. “Music and humor are therapeutic!” says Marilyn Patterson, Executive Director of First Night Alexandria, Inc. “2020 has been quite a year for everyone, and the consensus is that it’s time to hit the reset button. FNA is an opportunity to enjoy an evening of fun favorites to dance to, sing along with, and laugh at in the new year.” A showcase of the performing and lively arts, FNA is an event that supports culture while providing an alternative to traditional New Year’s Eve celebrations that is familyfriendly and affordable. The festive event was established by First Night Alexandria, Inc., a 501c3 non-profit organization dedicated to promoting the appreciation of cultural diversity in the performing arts. A portion of the ticket proceeds supports young musicians studying choral, band and orchestra in Alexandria city middle and high schools; and over the years, FNA has donated over $35K through the generosity of local businesses, residents and visitors who attend the event. “This is such an important way to support the arts, and we are excited WWW.VIPALEXANDRIAMAG.COM • 13

to reach an expanding community this year and earn the opportunity to become part of their holiday tradition as we have done for so many in years past,” says Patterson. Unlike years past, however, there will be some noticeable differences. In keeping with the new health mandates surrounding gatherings and the need for social distancing, the celebration will be held at 5001 Eisenhower Avenue in the West End of Alexandria (formerly known as the Victory Center). Themed “A Night of Nostalgia,” this year’s event will also feature a new drive-in destination and a virtual entertainment experience—perfect for all those who want to get in on the fun from the safety of their homes. “We needed a way to produce the celebration in a way that enables families and friends to gather together safely, either virtually or in the socially distanced drive-in venue,” Patterson explains of the changes. Two shows will premier during the event, first at 6:30 p.m. and then at 9:30 p.m., both on the Big Screen at the drivein and streamed virtually. Performances include concerts by the Earth Wind & Fire Tribute Band as they cover the hits of the iconic group; vintage rock & roll and rockabilly favorites presented by Rock-A-Sonics; top 40s favorites covered by the high energy dance band JukeBoxx; and rock, pop and R&B hits presented by local star JWX: The Jarreau Williams Experience. Rounding out the night with some laughter, the comedy troupe Clean AF Comedy will perform family-friendly routines that everyone can appreciate. “Great anticipation surrounding this year’s holiday tradition has already begun, and we expect an overwhelming response to the drive-in and virtual concerts,” says Patterson. That said, the drive-in concert will be a premium event with a limited capacity as a result of the governor’s orders for outdoor gatherings. Each of the two shows will be restricted to approximately 100 cars, though anyone can log in online to enjoy the streaming experience. In-Person General Admission tickets (per vehicle) are $60 or $75 for VIP tickets; access to the streaming performance costs $20 per link. Unfortunately, the order of the Governor of Virginia concerning large crowd gatherings and Public Safety will not allow FNA to host a live fireworks display over the Potomac River. In continuing the long-held tradition of the celebration, however, there will be a grand finale fireworks display set to music at the end of the show. “Despite the changes, we’ve created a spectacular event,” says Patterson. “It’s family-friendly, safe and affordable, with diverse entertainment options that include popular fan-favorite entertainers and comedic acts. This year, we will expand our reach virtually and bring an entertainment experience that no one will want to miss.” For more information on ticket sales, sponsorship, donation, and volunteer opportunities, visit http://www. firstnightalexandria.org/. Missed the show or want to see it again? Log on January 1 to 31, 2021, to stream FNA on demand on your smart devices.

The First Night Alexandria Board of Directors & everyone at VIP Alexandria Magazine would like to extend a very special thank you to the Presenting Sponsors. Without their generous donations, this annual event would be in jeopardy, especially this year. City of Alexandria • Dominion Energy • Virginia Paving Company