Thank You Five

Five minutes to curtain. Thank you five! Five minutes to transformation, reinvention, reinterpretation. Five minutes to costume, five minutes to hair. Thank you five! Don’t touch props that aren’t yours. The food, the plates, everything on the props table, do! Not! Touch! Thank you, thank you five. Where are my jazz shoes? Thank you five. To sit in solemn silence/On a dull dark dock/In a pestilential prison/with a lifelong lock. Thank you five. Where is the stage manager? The director? The head of costumes? I need to ask them something. Thank you five! Oh God what is that smell what is that smell what is that smell? I must have some. So what if I’m in costume? It’s just a French fry/it’s just a granola bar/it’s just a low-budget production of Guys and Dolls. I know, I know. Thank you five! She is so beautiful; I hate her guts. Thank you five! Five minutes to makeup. Thank you five! Five minutes to toner, moisturizer, primer, foundation, concealer, bronzer, highlight, eyeshadow, eyeliner, false eyelashes, eyelash glue, mascara, lipstick, do it in twenty when you really needed an hour; oh do you need help? Here, let me do it for you. Oh shoot, I’m sorry. Here; have a makeup wipe. Have a Q-tip. Beautiful, good as new. Thank you five! The shirt fits but the pants don’t. Did you look at the notes? Five minutes to notes! Oh shoot. Thank you five! Anyone got hair gel? I’m all out. I look horrible, absolutely horrible. (No you don’t). Hmm. Five minutes ‘til stunt call! Thank you five. You see here, It’s like Chekhov’s gun but with a banana. Get it? It’s a whole concept. I think the audience is gonna dig it. Thank you five! What’s playing at the Roxy? (thank you five) I’ll tell you what’s playing at the—sorry, your tag’s stick ing out. Thank you! Thank you five! Does anyone have a bobby pin? Hairspray? Hair gel? (sorry, I’m all out.) A condom? Rubber gloves? Duct tape? Gaffers tape? (thank you five!) A hairdryer? A steamer? Geez, you really would think--thank you five! Where are my street clothes? I put them down here a second ago. Thank you five! OhfuckI’mbleedingI’mbleedingI’mbleedingHELP oh thank GOD what would I do without you??? Thank you five. I’m sorry, but I have a paper due in an hour and I’m only on page two. How many? Ten. I have a ten page paper due in an hour and I’m only on page two. Thank you five! Oh that’s awful, how did that hap pen—never mind, I don’t want to know. Only tell me if you’re comfortable sharing. Thank you five! Look at it, isn’t it huge? oh it’s not that bad.) I’m gonna pop it, I’m gonna pop it. (not now we’re about to go onstage) Too late! It’s popped. OhfuckI’mbleeding. What should I do, what should I do? Thank you five! A cigarette, just one cigarette. Just something to calm me down before I go on. Oh we’re starting in five? Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Christ almighty. Thank you five! Oh they won’t miss me. Just one more cigarette. What are they gonna do, start without me? I’m the lead for chrissakes, they can’t start without me. Is Tommy gay? No reason, just asking for a friend. How about Sawyer? How about about Amir? Lawrence? James? Bill? No… really? Geez, that’s shocking. Actually now that I really think about it… What? Oh, sorry! Thank you five! Oh fuck I still need to fill in my brows. What’s that sound? Can you hear it? From the left stall. Who’s crying? Is it Sarah? Not again. Geez Louise, you would really think she’d’ve learned by now. Doesn’t she know we’re going on in five? Someone tell her. Not me, I don’t know her well enough. You should go in and go talk to her, tell her we’re going on in five. Yes, yes I know. No, no I don’t. Thank you five! Do you think we could—no no, it’s too risky. But no one will see us! How about the costume loft? Or the doghouse? Thank you five! Why is she in our dressing room? Hers is down the hall. Doesn’t she know that? Honestly, the audacity. What? Yeah, I know. Thank you five. What do you mean you don’t know your lines? Christ almighty Sarah, it’s opening night! What is she still doing in there, my God, doesn’t she know it’s opening night? Doesn’t she know who’s in the audience? The principal, the district superintendent, the mayor and his husband? Oh shut up shut up shut UP! (thank you five.) Is she okay? I hope she’s okay. Did it happen at the football game? Under the bleachers? In her car? In his car? In the woods behind the softball field? In the dressing room? Oh God, not the dressing room. When did they have time to—oh shit! Thank you five! Is she okay, someone should really talk to—sorry ladies, I hate to be the bad guy (oh no! you’re not the bad guy.) but there’s a lot of people out there, could you keep it down? We go on in five. Yes yes, of course! Thank you five! I’m worried, oh I’m so worried. We are not ready. Did you see them trying to run through Bushel and a Peck on Saturday? Christ almighty, we’re screwed. Yeah, I know. Thank you five! Did you see them kissing? Did you see them kiss? Jaden said it was in the costume loft. The costume loft! Can you believe it? I mean she’s a whole head taller than him and way too pretty but (thank you five) I guess if it—no I don’t have hair gel—if it works for them then it works for them I guess. Did you see them kissing? Yeah we know, we know. They kissed in the—yeah we know, we know. Has anyone seen Sarah? We go on in five. Yes, thank you five! I don’t know man. Should we check on her? No it’s fine. I’m sure it’s fine. Thank you five. I don’t know man, I’m kind of worried (thank you five). I think she was crying. Yeah, Maddie’s with her right now. She’ll know what to do. Thank you five. Do you have a cigarette? Oh thank GOD. You know, I could really go for some chicken nuggets right about now. What’s that smell? Does someone have food? Who has food? DOES ANYONE HAVE FOOD? Oh shit, I’m so sorry. Thank you five! Has anyone seen the assistant director? Tell her her mother is here. Thank you five! Oh my gosh is that—shh!—oh my gosh you’re not actually going to—shut up!—that’s awful you’re awful what if someone sees you what if they find out—thank you five!—oh my gosh I can’t believe you’re doing this—honestly Amy shut UP—but—I said shut UP—places in five!--oh shit oh shit oh shit—what are you going to do?—pour it down the sink I guess—oh gosh—places in five!—yes we know we know. Thank you five! Oh God, I’m so worried. Have you seen Bushel and a Peck? Christ, it looks awful. And last I checked, Lucy was still smoking outside. Five minutes to curtain ladies! Thank you five! I think she’s still in the bathroom, crying. Has someone checked on her? Christ almighty. We go on in five! Thank you five. I mean, if I were her I’d be crying too. He’s a dick. A real, bona-fide dick. Like literally the worst person in the whole entire world. And like he’s not even that cute. I think Maddie’s in there talking to her right now; everything should be fine. Thank you five. Stupid stupid STUPID how could I be so STUPID??? (you’re not stupid.) And he’s not even that cute! (mmhmm, not even that cute.) And he TRICKED ME yes he TRICKED ME (mmhmm mmhmm) and now it’s opening night and the fucking MAYOR and his STUPID HUSBAND are in the audience and I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY LINES! (mmhmm mmhmm)(I’m sure it will all be fine)(hi ladies sorry to interrupt but I just wanted to let you all know that we’re on in five) (ok thank you five) AND I JUST WANT TO (also could you keep it down? Sorry sorry it’s just that we have a full house tonight--)(we have a full house tonight?)(holy shit)(yeah I know it’s crazy literally my mom is working the box office rn and she just texted me saying we sold out)(oh my gosh)(yeah it’s kinda crazy)(does anyone have hair gel)(no we don’t)(omg I didn’t know there was a whole thing happening here I’m so sorry)(no no you’re fine)(carry on) So like… I don’t know. I really don’t know. I just… unghhh… (oh my gosh oh my gosh)(hold her hair back)(holy shit) (oh my gosh)(Christ on a BIKE where is the assistant director)(should we tell Kayla? She’s the understudy.) No no I’m fine I just… unghhh… (forget Kayla, can someone call her mom?) Please don’t call my mom. (I’m calling your mom)(hi guys)(omg Henry what are you doing in here this is the GIRLS BATHROOM) (holy shit are you fucking dense)(sorry sorry but I just came in to say that we go on in five)(yeah we know Henry)(ok bye). How is everything in there? I don’t know, they kicked me out. Ok. Whatever. You did your part and that’s what matters. Yeah. So, the may or’s here tonight. That’s cool. Yeah. And he brought his boyfriend. Yeah, I heard. That’s wild. Is he actually running for president? I don’t know man. Who would vote for him? Gay people I guess. Yo dude, don’t say that. That’s racist. Dude, are you stupid? That’s not racism. What? That’s homophobia. So what? What’s the difference? Christ almighty Stephen. Hey guys we go on in five, can you please take your places? Places, places! Everyone take your places! Places places! Five minutes to curtain people! Five minutes to curtain! Thank you five (thank you five) thank you five! Whatever, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care. He’s a dick (yep he’s a dick) and I don’t care. Awaiting the sensation/of a short sharp shock. 30 people in this cast and no one has hair gel. So what if he runs for president? I don’t care. I don’t like politics. Five minutes to curtain! Thank you five! You smell like cigarettes. So? And what about it? Christ almighty. Where is she? Where is he? Where are they? In the costume loft. Oh for chrissakes. Five minutes to curtain! And they what? Christ almighty. Where the fuck is the mic tape? Where is the banana? We’re scrapping the banana. What? Places, places. Where was the five minute warning? Did we ever get one? No, I don’t think we did. The incompetence of the people in this theatre department I swear to God. Shh! My mom just texted me and—oh! Places, places. Five minutes to curtain! Take your places! I love you/A bushel and a peck. OhGodI’mBleeding. Has anyone seen Sarah? Henry? Amy? Jaden? Lucy? Bill? Amir? Oh thank God you’re here. Chekhov’s banana? Oh it was a stupid idea anyway. Ok shut up shup the show’s starting. Places!