Issue 180 by York Vision

TS E K C I I'M DEAF, NOT T N I W 2 TO THE O DUMB S S E L WIRE AL P13 >FEATURES FESTIV ISSUE 180

NUS SMALL-BUDGET PUBLICATION OF THE YEAR

I'M GOING TO SORT OUT BIG BROTHER

>TREVOR PHILLIPS

Thursday June 7, 2007

FANCY A DRINK AT THE STUDENT VENUE? l i t n not u 2017 (SO WE DECIDED TO PUT UP OUR OWN ONE INSTEAD) Hes East investigation: p5

2NEWS

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

your week VIKING RAID UNDER THREAT EMERGENCY MOTION REQUIRED TO SAVE POPULAR CAMPUS EVENT

> ETHICAL MERCHANDISE DEBACLE HEATS UP

NEWS AT A GLANCE

The ethical merchandise

P2 debate continues. P3

History department sets unfair open exam. Will we ever get a Student

P4-5 Union at York?

Working hours increase

P6 for sick Porter.

practise the art P7 Students of breaking into their own residences.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"I can still break into any of these houses.

BY JASMINE PHILLIPS RAG’s Viking Raid has been threatened with rocketing ticket prices or even cancellation, after a UGM motion put forward by campus society People and Planet hit out at YUSU's use of unethical clothing supplies. The motion, which compels the SU to source merchandise from a list of ethical suppliers, could see ticket prices rise to £7.50, as Ents Officers are forced to buy t-shirts from more expensive clothing companies. The possible rise in price has been confirmed by SU Ents Rep Nadeem Kunwar, who remarked that People and Planet’s motion had, "made things difficult for the SU”. The society, which seeks action on "world poverty and the environment", controls the list of suppliers the SU must use whenever it wishes to purchase any clothing merchandise – currently restricted to six companies. The International Textile, Garment and Leather Workers’ Federation claim that suppliers

PORTERS SPAT ON IN LATE NIGHT ASSAULT

Student resident at Derwent

GOOD WEEK bad week GOOD WEEK

Rich Croker

Good old Rich Croker will be around York for a while longer in his new role as AU Treasurer.

bad WEEK TREVOR the goose Poor Trevor may be finding his way to the slaughter house after attcking students around Goodricke College.

the number cruncher 300K

Pounds the University has to spend on renovating the sports centre.

Years that York has had to wait for a Student Union.

40 1.94

Number of complaints recieved about killer goose. The amout the York Vision apprentice team sold doughnuts for.

Fruit of the Loom – previously used to supply Viking Raid t-shirts – force workers to operate in silence and give women compulsory pregnancy tests. Kumar told Vision that RAG, as well as student pockets, may suffer from the policy, as the increase in price may reduce the appeal of the event, dramatically lessening RAG’s revenue. He also pointed out that despite the restrictions and potentially higher costs, he was prepared to, “work with the motion this year as it is what the UGM want”. However, YUSU is currently in the process of implementing a new amendment which will give the Enivironment and Ethics Officers the power to control the prescriptive list of ethical suppliers instead of People and Planet. Kate Evans, chair of People and Planet, said she “agreed” with the proposed amendment, saying it would “definitely make things easier for all concerned.” However, for the amendment to become union policy, it must pass through a UGM. The original motion failed to reach quoracy numerous times before it was passed.

RACIST ASSUALT REPORTED BY IAIN WITHERS Police are appealing for any information regarding a potentially racially-motivated assault by three youths on a student at around 10pm on Sunday. An on-duty Wentworth Porter described how the youths had spat

STUDENT URGED TO COME FORWARD

at the staff who tried to escort them off campus. Once the police were called, the youths made their getaway, driving away with their lights off so as to avoid their number plates being seen. The student, who is yet to be identified, is encouraged to come forward to allow the police to proceed in their investigation and press

charges. The assault took place on the bridge between Goodricke and Wentworth Colleges. Security Operations Manager Rob Little appealed for anyone with information to come forward and speak to Security Services. The three youths drove on to campus and started hurling abuse at

international students and “kicking trees”. Students in nearby James College described the youths as ‘drunken abusive chavs’. Rob Little, who has CCTV footage of the vehicle, described it as a dark Ford Focus.

YORK VISION Thursday June 7, 2007

Adam Thorn Lucy Taylor Deputy Editors: Iain Withers Katie Jacobs Managing Editor: Emily Walton Toby Scalisbrick Head of IT: Nick Evans News Editor: Richard Byrne-Smith Deputy News: Lizzy Dale Anna Bevan Comment Editor: Tom Sheldrick Cartoonist: John Sharp Features Editors: Emma Barrow Editors:

Claudia Stern Hannah Wadcock Sian Rowe Lifestyle Editors: Charlotte Chung Deputy Lifestyle: Sophie Hurst Sarah Stretton Style Editor: Katie Jackson Deputy Style: Kate Reeves Food and Drink: Fiona Scott Deputy F&D: Lydia Mills Travel Editor: Beth Rudge Deputy Travel: Rod James

Sports Editors:

Deputy Features:

Deputy Sports: Proof Reader: Photo Editor: Deputy Photo: Social Sec:

Lauren Cockbill Alex Richman Ollie Webb Rob Romans Sarah Hurst Alex Papushoy Emily Kent Tom Hole Rob Romans

Opinions expressed in Vision are not necessarily those of the Editors, Senior Editorial Team, membership or advertisers. Every effort is made to ensure all articles are as factually correct as possible at the time of going to press, given the information available. Copyright Vision Newspapers, 2007. Printed by York & County Press.

Call us: 01904 433720 www.yorkvision.co.uk

NEWS

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

SECOND BOTCHED EXAM PAPER THIS TERM LEAVES STUDENTS FEARING FOR DEGREES

EXAM MIX-UP LEAVES FINALISTS WITH

5 ESSAYS IN 3 DAYS

...BUT RULES MEAN THEY HAVE TO DO IT ANYWAY >UNI: "IT'S AN EMBARASSMENT"

BIG BROTHER'S BIG MOUTH ON CAMPUS

BY LUCY TAYLOR Big Brother's Big Mouth coming to campus today film a student debate. Producers from the Channel 4 show, which is shown late on Friday nights after the the weekly eviction, have chosen student society York Union for a filmed debate about this year's programme. The debate is titled "This House believes that men make better contestants than women", after the series began last week with a house full of female housemates. It is being held in an as-yet undisclosed venue, likely to be Heslington Hall, at 6:30 tonight. It is one of the most high-profile events ever for York Union Society., who hold regular debates and speakers around campus. "We do not shy away from controversy - quite the opposite," said Maryah Mufti, the society's President Elect. Upcoming topics for debate this term include "This House supports Gordon Brown" and "This House would shag their way to the top" . is to

The History open exam paper that forced students to write up to 10,000 words instead of 6000.

BY LUCY TAYLOR Finalists were left battling five essays in three days after a mistake in an open exam more than doubled the workload they were told to expect. The History department immediately acknowledged the flaw in the paper, but due to university rules they were unable to change it once it had been released. “The day we got the exam paper was the most traumatic day of my life,” said Nina Harwood, one of a group of students sitting the Medieval Letters exam. “We stood outside the office and refused to leave until they had seen us. It took more than an hour - by that point some of the girls were in tears.”

The open paper is the second botched exam released by the university in six weeks, after a second-year economics exam in May caused more than 100 complaints by students due to typing errors and inconsistencies. Senior staff in the History department have admitted their “embarrassment” at the latest mix up, which meant that students were faced with an extra two essay questions at the end of the normal exam. The extra questions added up to 4000 words onto the length of the answers that the group were expected to produce. “The biggest problem was that the questions were completely different in style to anything we had practised,” said Amy Blackmore, another student who was forced to

Photo by Lucy Taylor take the exam. “We were told 3 or 4 times that the exam would be the same as in previous years. They even had revision sessions to explain to us the best way to structure our time. To change it at the last minute was just shambolic and put us at a huge disadvantage. We were so unprepared.” The university has agreed to give students special consideration for the exam. “Hopefully that should mean that if any of us do much worse than our average across the other exams, they will take that into account and raise the mark,” said Jen Wright. “But that doesn’t leave us with much chance to go beyond what we’ve done before. It’s our special

module, and usually people give their best performance in it because it’s the final push. Instead, this whole module has been a joke.” The tutor involved in convening the module and setting the exam declined to comment when contacted by Vision this weekend. “I feel a bit sorry for the tutor, to be honest,” said Wright. “It wasn’t necessarily her fault - it could be that there was a mistake in the system somewhere. “But we thought we would have a day for each of the three questions in the normal exam, and in the end we had to rush them all through in one day to leave time for the essays added on the end. “Who knows how well we could have done if we’d had the three questions we were expecting?”

PIRATES PREMIERE AT PROMS

BY ANNA BEVAN Customers shopping in Costcutters last Wednesday were left scared and confused, when around 20 students walked into the campus supermarket and proceeded to have a pretend gunfight. The event started with two students conducting a slow motion, over-the-top showdown, using their hands as weapons. Within seconds, others had joined-in the strange battle. Finger guns, invisible grenades and exaggerated sound effects were all used to great effect before the students 'died' dramatically, leaving surrounding shoppers baffled. Once the mock fight was completed, participants simply stood up and walked out, as if nothing had happened at all. At this moment in time, Vision can only speculate as to whether the activity was part of a protest at the ever increasing prices of the shop’s groceries, or if the spoof was the latest installment from growing campus rebel group York Flashmobbers.

BY KRISTY HARPER

COSTCUTTER GUNFIGHT Photo by Alex Papushoy

The “Pirates of the Caribbean” soundtrack is to be performed for the first time at the York Proms finale. University students will perform an exclusive recital as part of the York film orchestra. Visitors and residents of the city will be the first to experience the live sounds of the original Hollywood blockbuster, when the premiere takes place on 16th June at Rowntree Park. The piece, which was composed by Hanz Zimmer, will be staged by both the BBC and York Council, having never before been heard in the United Kingdom. Conductor George Hudson said that the event will be: “unique, of the highest quality and a spectacular event not to be missed.” As well as featuring music from the Oscar-nominated film, other attractions include: “Breathtaking visual effects, eight metre columns of fire, stage pyrotechnics and 500 fountain jets launching 22,000 litres of water into the air.” Entrance is by tickets only, which are available at www.yorkproms. com with prices ranging from £5 - £30.

4NEWS

student press

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

SPORT CENTRE GETS 300K

We read them...

Micky Mouse Degree Media Studies students at Bristol University have been jibbed by lecturers for being too dumb for University. Complaints that the students are ill-prepared for the demands of the course have led to fewer lecturers wanting to teach Media students. Research carried out by the University of Central England has revealed that Media students are arriving at University without the basic skills and struggling with simple tasks. With a drop in the number of Media lecturers, English teachers have steeped in, but don't have a clue how to teach it or how to use the digital equipment bought for the department! Shambles!

EXPOSED! A Playboy Bunny event hosted at Loughborough Universities Student Union has had back-lash from Welfare groups and the SU after a surge of complaints that the event caused a bout of 'indecent exposure'! The resident DJ Ice- Tilted encouraged all the females at the event to 'take off their tops and bear their breasts'. The Student Union has condemned the actions as inappropriate and of 'bad taste''. The DJ has also been asked to tone down his banter at the events. In response, Ice-Tilted said, 'The night was a great success, the students loved it - its all about having fun - you only live once!'

But guess what... the fees are going UP BY CLARE GRIBBLE The university has proposed a £300,000 refurbishment of the campus sports centre, rumoured to be a way of allowing bosses to charge higher membership fees. The developments, which will concentrate on improving the appearance of the centre, aim to bring in more customers from the local area. An inevitable consequence of these developments will be an increase in charges, both to students and other users of the facilities, such as gym membership and the use of the tennis and squash courts. In response to the rumours of rising membership prices, Colin Smith, director of physical recreation said: "My job is to provide for all students, not just those who can afford to pay".

Smith also maintains that a price rise for students is not a necessary result of the development. Currently, membership of the fitness suite for three months is £53, unless you are a general member of the sports centre – itself costing £20 per year. Compared to the prices and facilities found at other universities, current charges may seem reasonable – a three month gym membership at Manchester or Sheffield could set you back £84 or £70 respectively. However, next year's charges remain "confidential", rendering a full analysis impossible. The preliminary plans for the development focus on improving the changing room facilities and extending the fitness suite, as well as making improvements to the appearance of the sports centre reception. Smith specifically pointed out the lack of a

"sense of arrival" at the reception. However, the AU feel that the money could be spent more effectively for improvement of sports facilities rather than for aesthetic changes. Tom Moore, AU President, said that, "the AU are against any price rise, which will inevitably occur at the start of next year. I'm more than happy that money is being spent on the centre. The first meeting was six months ago and I thought the plans were fantastic, but with more and more meetings I felt the money was being put in the wrong areas. I would prefer investment in facilities – we desperately need heating for the squash courts and a new running track, for example." The plans for development at the centre are an acknowledgement from the university that the sports centre’s current level of provision lags

Dirty Squatters Three male squatters and a dog have been evicted from halls of residence at Exeter University. Dozens of used needles and a number of stolen goods were uncovered from the building. Seventy student residents who lived in the same halls were unaware of their fellow tennants. After a series of complaints from neighbours, the Police and campus security, the three local men were evacuated from the premises, as of yet, no further charges for the drug use or stolen items have been brought against them.

behind standards found elsewhere on campus. According to Smith, the expectations of students and the wider community have "overtaken the original provision of over 40 years ago". The preliminary plans for the refurbishment show the changes to be mainly aesthetic, and as such may have little real impact on the quality of facilities enjoyed by students, arguably putting the justification of the price rise into question. However, Smith insisted that the developments were appropriate and that play areas were "well maintained and regularly cleaned" and as such did not currently need improvement. The money for the developments will be taken from profits that the sports centre has made over the last twenty years.

S U P M A C N O Y Z A R C O G S L ANIMA VISION RECONSTRUCTION Photo by Anna Bevan

The Great Escape Trapped in a library lift which had jammed due to a power failure, a student at Newcastle University used quick thinking to get out of the sticky situation. By forcing open the lift doors with her house keys, the student managed to climb the void between the lift and wall ledge, then jump down the remaining gap into the library itself. The library staff and technicians, however, were not too happy with the student as she caused further technical problems with her forced escape.

Photo by Alex Papushoy

...so you don't have to

GOOSE ABUSE BY ANNA BEVAN A campus goose may have to be “removed” by the University after it has started to attack any humans that come within a 50 metres radius of it. The goose, named "Trevor" by students, currently dwells outside Goodricke D block. It has been described as “violent and scary” by many residents and has even drawn blood from one of its victims. Although geese do not usually attack unless provoked, it is thought that the gander has become overly protective of his nest, which is full of eggs that are yet to hatch. The incidents, which include a viciously-bitten foot and yanked pony-tail, have resulted in over 40 complaints sent to campus services and Goodricke's Administrator. Two weeks ago, staff responded by sealing off the crime scene with fencing to keep students away from the angry bird. However, this has merely provided the goose with a

perch from which he continues his harassment from a height. A sign was also erected beside the fence, informing students that “it is illegal to disturb the geese”. Unfortunately, this has had little effect since the goose seems to do the disturbing, rather than the other way around. D block resident, Joe Clarke, said: “Students are petrified and avoid coming into contact with it, if they can help it.” The Goodricker then went on to explain how the goose, “doesn’t attack everyone, but seems to go for girls. It even attacked an elderly couple the other day,” which, he remarked, “was so amusing”. There is a divided opinion amongst students regarding the fate of the bird; some see it as an entertaining pet that should be allowed to stay, while others view it as a threatening presence that needs to be extinguished. Jane Clarbour, Goodricke provost, said the goose was still "being monitored" by college staff.

ESCAPED HORSE RUNS WILD BY ANNA BEVAN A horse caused havoc on campus last week after it escaped from a nearby field and proceeded to run wild around the University grounds. The incident was reported to emergency services by students, who were suddenly faced with the crazed animal whilst making their way home last Tuesday night. One stunned student said that

the runaway horse "scared the shit out of her", when it began unexpectedely cantering towards her. Police were quick to arrive at the scene, but failed many times to catch the horse, leaving it free to roam around, before it was finally captured and reunited with its owner. A local resident remarked that, "It is not the first time the horse has managed to escape and i'm sure it won't be the last."

NEWS

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

HES EAST: IT'S ON

Its cost £500m, has been in the planning for over 10 years, but now top admin bosses tell Vision that our student venue may not be ready until.. WHAT WE'RE MISSING OUT ON

BY IAIN WITHERS 44 years of waiting for a decent student venue at York could still be followed by another decade of boredom. A university spokesman confirmed to Vision that the student venue will certainly not be built as part of the first phase of the development, meaning that thousands of students will be living and studying on campus before it is completed. SU President Rich Croker expressed his determination to make sure a student venue is built as part of the Heslington East development. “We have restarted consultation to look at what opportunities there are for the venue and SU building.” At present the university’s confirmation of plans to build a student venue are conditional on generating sufficient money from Heslington East students and businesses. A spokesman said: “The University would like to have a student venue and is committed to it as long as we can draw up an acceptable business plan.” “There are working groups looking at a range of other plans for Heslington East. These include leisure facilities and a student venue. We want to do it as soon as we possibly can.” As part of the second or third phase of the development students could be waiting until as late as 2017 for a student venue. Concerns have also been raised about the environmental impact of the development, with local residents and councillors questioning whether the ‘very special circumstances’ necessary for a development on green belt land have really been established. Concerns were raised by a senior lecturer late last year at the University’s attitude towards the environment as a result of their decision to shut down the university's Environmental Performance Working Group.

Has a formiddable reputation as the best Union in the country. 'Mental' Sheffield Hallam's Union is not just a student venue, its a failed National Popular Music Museum, shaped like a kettle drum, stripped out and decked out for the best nights in the north

7 1 20

FOCUS BROKEN PROMISES V VV

On this here campus, all sorts was planned and we could have sworn it ain't here now.. 'A sports centre including a swimming pool' 'A theatre to seat 200 close to the lake with facilities for a floating stage' Early plans agonise over whether to have single sex colleges and concludes: 'Mixed colleges would provide greater flexibility from the programming point of view but, of course, raise other problems.'

Sian Rowe

FOCUS TEACHING STANDARDS BY IAIN WITHERS Essential figures on staff to student ratios for Heslington East are “unknown” according to a university spokesman. The figure known as ‘SSR’ is a key component of university league tables and is heavily linked to university academic performance. Senior lecturers approached by Vision expressed concern as to the effect increased numbers of students will have on teaching standards, and on the student to staff ratio. In a statement the university said it did not anticipate any “significant change” in staff to student ratios, in spite of their commitment to greater “scale economies” in their

OXFORD YORK EDINBRUGH LIVERPOOL KENT BRADFORD SHEF HALLAM COVENTRY DERBY

LEAGUE TABLE STUDENT-STAFF POSITION RATIO 2nd 7th 14th 31st 46th 52nd 71st 87th 105th

five-year Corporate Plan. A spokesman said: “The University is committed to achieve the most effective SSR possible. Following the decision on Heslington East work can now start on developing some firmer projections.” Figures obtained by Vision from

11.9 13.8 14.0 13.9 16.7 19.6 19.1 20.2 22.4

Sources - Sunday Times '06, HESA

Oh well..anyone fancy a meal at the Roger Kirk?

the Higher Education Statistics Agency suggest that the University has little wriggle room on staff to student ratios if it wants to halt its slide down the university league tables. York dropped out of the top ten in both the Guardian and Times University League Tables last year.

6NEWS OUR MAN ON THE INSIDE TELLS YOU

the confession box

WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON AT YUSU

MEDIA'S BUDGET BITCHFEST This week saw campus media societies savage one another in their annual budget review meeting. The four outlets, including URY, YSTV Nouse and Vision exchanged bitter insults as the battle for money grew more intense. The socs attacked URY after it emerged that had used university money on providing branded pens to advertise themselves during Freshers week. URY’s managing director appeared to lose his cool as he accused the two papers of not being able to manage their finances properly. However, the dispute then got personal as Nouse editor Heidi Blake turned on YUSU’s Colin Hindson. The usually quiet communications officer lashed out in defence at the fiery editor, calling her remarks: “bitter and petty” as she repeatedly demanded that the union pay for her paper’s printing costs. “Don’t be so pathetic Heidi” Hindson cried as Blake’s attacks grew more and more savage. The two remained at logger heads for the duration of the meeting.

APPRENTICE DOUGHNUT COMPETITION GETS SAUCY Campus competition “the apprentice” got raunchy as one team used unusual tactics to help sell doughnuts on the first day of competition. The team, who generated over £200 for selling 40 10p doughnuts, got girls to dress in hot pants and revealing clothing as they sold their goods to campus builders for a whopping profit. The team left the opposition reeling as they won by almost £100.

HES EAST LAWYERS S SHARED SAME OFFICE The lawyer representing the university at the Hes East public enquiry shared the same chambers as her counterpart representing the village of Heslington. The top legal representative was thought to be one of the major reason behind the success of the project – which has been in the works for over 10 years.

YUSU BOY ROMPS WITH GIRLFRIEND IN SU OFFICE Which YUSU rep has been having wild sex session in the student's union office. The shy lad, who I've decided not to name, had his dirty secret outed by friends in a drinking game at a student action social. Our source told the Confession Box: "we were all a bit pissed and someone let the secret out. We couldn't believe it...apparently the thrill of getting caught is what turns them on." We here at the confession box will keep you updated on this sordid romance....

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

ONE TERM ON, VISION'S EXPOSÉ INVESTIGATES GROWING ACCUSATIONS

ATION G I T S E V N I N VISIO

SACK THEM NOW PORTERS SLAM SECURITY CHIEFS BY IAIN WITHERS Security staff have broken ranks to call for the resignation of top security bosses.

Over half of respondents to a Vision security survey demanded that heads should roll at security services after a year of mass porter walkouts over pay and conditions. The survey raises serious concerns over porters’ welfare, with 69% of respondents claiming that their welfare has been adversely affected by mismanagement. One porter, who refused to be named for fear of management retribution, told Vision that he had suffered health problems as a result of stress at work. After his recovery he was then told to man upwards of three colleges on his own for twelvehour shifts in order to cover staff shortages. The porter adds: “I was told the change was for ‘health reasons’. As far as I’m concerned the management here is absolutely crap. They don’t think anything of the students; they don’t think anything of the staff - they can’t deal with people.” 63% of respondents blamed security mismanagement for last term’s porters crisis. In a series of interviews porters highlight the staggering lack of foresight shown in the run up to the porters crisis. “The thing that really got me was the fact that they knew from the moment they first brought the rotas out in June of last year that they were fourteen porters short and they didn’t do anything about it until December.” Another remarked: “In a ‘normal’ workplace this level of incompetence would not be accepted - management would be sacked. Far from being ‘entirely unpredictable’ the shortages were entirely predictable and predicted by everybody with more than two brain cells to rub together.” Many staff resigned over contract disputes last summer when porters were asked to accept salary and pension cuts and work longer shifts. As a result of porter shortages Derwent, Vanbrugh and Wentworth porters’ lodges were all closed last term, six months after admin were first made aware of the developing problems. The majority of porters approached by Vision agreed that admin were trying to close some of the lodges for good. “They were certainly testing the waters." Much of the blame for a year of security cock ups has been apportioned to head of security Ken Batten. “He hates fucking porters. He doesn’t want us, that’s why we don’t want him” one disgruntled staff member said. Security chief Ken Batten responded to our survey by saying that the sixteen porters who broke ranks

SURVEY RESULTS

Yes

56%

38% *

88% *

3) To what extent did porters' shortages come as a result of security mismanagement?

63%

31% *

4) Has security mismanagement adversely affected your welfare at work or the welfare of others?

69%

31%

5) Should immediate changes in security managment be made in order to ensure the secure future and good morale of porters on campus?

69%

31%

1) Do you believe this year's porters' crisis provides sufficient reason to relieve security managers of their jobs? 2) Have university management taken enough responsibility for the porters' crisis?

6) How would you describe the relationship between porters and security management on campus?

Very Bad - 50%, Bad - 25%, Acceptable - 25%, Good - 0% * With one no comment

were “not highly representative” of staff. He admitted nonetheless that the results were concerning and that every individual complaint would be taken seriously. He noted that the university has launched a campaign for ‘Investor in People’ status as an acknowledgement of the importance of good relations between bosses and staff. Some porters are in agreement with management that relations are on the mend. “Rotating shift porters now have a much better work/life balance. People should count their blessings.” Fundamental grievances still remain unresolved however. Many porters are exasperated about the excessive levels of management that they have to deal with. “The best thing the university could do is take us out of security and put us back under the colleges. I don’t think we need senior porters to be quite honest with you – the university could save 150,000 a year in what they pay them.” Vision has reported the chipping away of portering services over several years. Many are concerned that without drastic changes in management, the long term security of porters will always be in doubt. One Derwent porter remarked: “Management don’t understand what we do – the camaraderie between us and the students." "We’re all over the moon to be back at Derwent College because we’re back home now, and this is where we want to be all the time.”

NEWS

YORK VISION

Thursday June 5, 2007

OF SECURITY MISMANAGEMENT OVER THE PORTERS CRISIS

SEVEN MONTHS ON:

"I CAN STILL BREAK INTO ANY HOUSE" > STUDENTS RESORT TO VANDALISM TO SECURE PROPERTY >>MAJOR VISIONWARNING WARNINGIGNORED IGNORED > PROVOST "EXTREMELY ANNOYED" BY LACK OF ACTION

BY EURYDICE COTE AND CLAUDIA STERN Seven months after a Vision front-page revealed a gaping hole in student security on campus, students claim that they can still break into houses in Derwent without a key card. In November, YUSU heavily censored a Vision article which highlighted how easy it was to break into some Derwent residences. Following the revelations, numerous senior university figures pledged to take action immediately. At the time, a university spokesman stated: "where problems are report-

ed to university staff, we make sure to take action immediately. However, a follow-up investigation has revealed that the fault still very much exists. One disgruntled resident claimed that depite Vision's article, minimal action had been taken by security staff and that she could break in to "any" of the houses in her residential vicinity. She told Vision that in areas of Derwent College a specific security flaw means that anyone can have open access to the residences. Some residents have even resorted to vandalism to secure their homes.

Tired of waiting for the security services to act, a group of students chose to smash-in their doors so as to prevent intrusion. In a comedic twist of fate, university services fixed the purposely bashed entrance rapidly, leaving the residence once again open to potential burglary. Amongst the residents, it has become well known that the key card is not needed for entry. Students claim that it is not necessary to take their key cards on a night out, as it is easy to do the job by hand. The problem affects approximately 90 students who reside in Eden's Court.

University officials, who claimed that this was “an urgent issue” and of “high priority” seven months ago, currently remain silent and unavailable to comment on the suprising lack of action. However, Ron Weir, Derwent Provost, has spoken out, claiming the lack of security "remains a problem". "The apparent lack of action is very annoying", he said. Ironically, Vision has been prevented from printing the full details of this flaw by YUSU, on the grounds that it could harm student welfare, leaving students vunerable to burglary.

Photo by Alex Papushoy

A BREEDING GROUND FOR CRIME BY RICHARD BYRNE-SMITH

UNI > STUDENT SLAMS UTER O C N E R E T F A T N E MANAGEM HTING IG L T N E T IS X -E N O >N YING" IF R R E T " T N E ID C IN MADE Photo by Alex Papushoy

A student has blasted facilities management for failing to fix outdoor lights, after a latenight encounter left her “in tears”. The second-year student, who has asked not to be named, was forced to walk home in the pitchblack as a result of inadequate University lighting when she was involved in a confrontation with a suspicious male. She described the incident, which occured on the path between the Biology department and the Bleachfields development, as "completely avoidable", saying that she was only put in such a vulnerable position due to the University's poorly lit walkway. Describing her experience the student said that the man: “Was just sitting in his car, but when he saw me, he ducked down, hiding from view. At first I thought nothing of it, but after waiting for a few minutes, his behaviour became more distressing.” The student then described how

the male got out of his car, and began looking around, apparently searching for her. “I quietly went back the way I came. Luckily, he didn’t spot me. I called security services, and they responded extremely quickly, forcing the man to move on” “It was terrifying. Because the lights weren’t working, the path was pitch black. I only hope someone doesn’t suffer a real fate. That area is a breeding ground for potentially horrific crime. I don't want to think about it. Who knows why that man was there.” According to official security documentation obtained by Vision, "If any lights anywhere on the campus are not functioning, including Retreat Lane, or in the grounds of any other University buildings, they should be reported at once to Security Control. The Maintenance Department will then ensure that repairs are put in hand immediately." Despite numerous attempts by the student to report the defunct lighting, it has yet to be fixed.

NEW LIFE FOR FORMER LANGUAGE CENTRE

BY ANNA BEVAN

The former Language Centre is to be re-built as a brand-new Humanities and Education Research Centre, providing new lecture and seminar rooms for nearly 400 students. York City Council voted unanimously in favour of the plans, which will result in the now almost derelict building being bulldozed to the ground and a new three- or four-storey Humanities block being built in its place. Councillor Ann Reid remarked: “This is an excellent, innovative design for the new language centre, but I think that what it will do is highlight the less than wonderful design on the buildings that are adjacent to it.” She said she hoped that at some stage the other buildings in the vicinity would also be redeveloped in a similar manner. A University spokesman has denied that this will increase the number of people on campus, saying that it will simply relocate current students and staff, offering them improved facilities in which to teach and learn. It is not yet known when the construction will be completed, however the University has already promised to combat any environmental devastation caused by replanting uprooted trees elsewhere on the Heslington campus. The new building, which will have views of the lake and Spring Wood, will accommodate various departments including History of Art, Languages, History and Educational Studies.

GOODRICKE FIRST TO TAKE ON LEEDS

BY ANNA BEVAN

Goodricke is set to become the first ever college to take its summer ball out of York, as other colleges across campus struggle to organise one at all. The event, which is taking place in week 8 at the Queen’s Hotel in Leeds, has left students rapidly fighting for tickets. Vice Chairs, Emily Froud and Victoria Jones, said: “We thought that taking Goodricke to a different city would give a new edge to college balls, especially considering the lack of large venues in York.” The absence of adequately sized venues in the city was a contributing factor as to why other colleges decided to arrange alternatives to a summer ball, with many offering a buffet and boat cruise, rather than a black tie affair. Although it has taken considerably more organisation, the girls are confident that it will be well worth it on the night. “Ending the night in Oceana will be a welcome change to the typical Toffs carnage,” they said.

8COMMENT

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

Saying what no-one else will...

Richard Byrne-Smith HES EAST:

THE VOICE OF

What's the Point?

Get your priorities straight

e've waited over forty years for a student venue and guess what, It looks like we're going to have to wait another ten. The only reason anyone could care less about the expansion is that we want a student venue, and therefore it should be the first thing they build. As our investigation shows, having a bigger campus does not necessarily mean it will be a better one. ur university has found itself out of the top ten league tables for the first time in a generation, has a culture of mismanagement, and a vice chancellor who enjoys spending our hard earned money on swanning around the world like James Bond.

Top bosses should sort out the current campus first before they start building a new one

Exam mess-ups should not be taken lightly

xams are stressful situations for all involved. However, after the second major exam error in a month, Vision feels that certain members of the academic body need to be taken to task. Mistakes with exam papers can seriously affect the degree classifications of final-year students, as well as turning the entire process into little more than a farce. The university must take this issue as seriously as it possibly can.

es East makes me want to cut myself. I hate it. I am also extremely bored by it. It’s an interesting combination. Not only does the wretched campus invoke strong negative opinion in me, it also disinterests me so much I almost wish I wasn’t alive. Inciting, in me, this bizarre paradox of emotions, Heslington East and its accompanying bureaucratic guff, seems, on the other hand, to have completely failed to grasp any – and I mean any – emotion in the majority of our illustrious university’s current student population. Admit it, you saw those two words and wanted to stop reading – I know it was only the talk of self-mutilation that turned you round. I am hardly surprised that none of us care about it anymore. With the campus newspapers’ coming-onten-year-long thrashing of the good old Hes East horse, you could be forgiven for missing the announcement a couple of weeks ago that the stupid thing is actually going ahead. Yes, really; it’s all over. No more sleep-inducing speculation; no more it-might-happen-it-might-not drivel; no more enquiries, meetings or consultations. Yes, it’s actually all going to be built. But it still bores me. And, what’s more, I still hate it. Time to begin this systematic slaughter? Alright, I firmly believe that the very idea of Heslington East defecates all over what makes – or, should I say, made – this university great. For a start, and quite importantly, York is a small university. Socially, this is, in my opinion, an absolute nightmare – I veritably relish the opportunity to walk around a campus where I don’t recognise every other person I happen to walk past – but

its compactness, is, however, one of the prime reasons for its academic success. York is, as I’m sure you’re aware, absolutely tiny. How on earth has it spent years elbowing the big boys of Oxbridge et al. for league table space may seem like an unanswerable riddle, but it is, in fact, pretty simple. York Don’t Do Much – but what it does, It Does Good. A lot of effort on a few things; a pretty straightforward route to success right? Of course it is – particularly when you’re one of the only ones in the playground playing the keep-itsmall-and-quiet ball game. A massive expansion, such as is planned, and students may be waving goodbye to academic success. Even in the last year, Hes East has arguably cost us our all-important top-ten place – probably one of the main factors that tempted us all here in the first place. Cynical I may be, but education, and the students it engages, it seems, are slipping fast down the Hes East priority list. Is it a coincidence that one of the main features of the new campus will be its wonderful purpose-built conference centre with millions of luxury bedrooms? How about its state-of-the-art health spa for high-paying guests? But a student venue? The very thing students have persistently requested since the university opened in 1963? Oh, they’ve got ‘plans’ for one. Might not be ready till 2017 though. Shame really. And what about our seemingly ongoing staff crises? Nobody seems to like their boss; communication, let alone common courtesy, seems, at many levels of the managerial tree disturbingly absent; some staff even live in daily fear. Will a shiny new campus cover up this sickeningly malignant mistrust?

ADVERT

FRAMED!

AGAIN

ms: Shoddy exa ain. Ag . ss e What a m Categorically: no. It is a serious delusion to assume that a £500m investment in sparkly new buildings will automatically improve anything other than aesthetics – and even that is questionable. But why the boredom? A brief look through the Vision archives will tell you why. Nothing. Ever. Changes. Even twenty years ago, porters were being treated badly, university investment was frequently contentious, and students felt extremely isolated from uni bosses. And Hes East? Well, while attractive on the surface, the context of its confirmation epitomises all these things that students have grown to resent. How on earth can the university expect to make everything rosy with a brand new project, when it has failed to satisfactorily manage huge areas of its existing organisation completely beats me. Brian Cantor thinks York needs to "grow to maintain its position" as a top university. He couldn't be more wrong.

IN CELEBRATION

OF:

Media Law

Thank god for this lov ely little corner of our beautiful nation’s legal system. Particularly avid readers of campus media ma y have noticed a delightfully out-of-co ntext quotation attributed to my good self in Nouse last month. Sadly for our wordy rival, it was incorrectly ac-

credited. Shame the n, that the surrounding story, ‘Are we a racist university?’, was just so polemic. A swift em ail later, and a handy throw of the legal book, and I received a dec ent apology. Am I a racist? You decide. Answers on a postcard.

NEWSPAPER CENSORSHIP CAN GO TOO FAR

have tried hard, but I fail to see the logic in YUSU’s insistent censorship of Vision’s attempts to highlight fundamental security flaws in some residential blocks. If the union allowed us print full details of the locations and potential methods of entry, we all know that they would be fixed by security staff that very same day. YUSU's censorship capabilities are in place to ensure student welfare. But perhaps the union, in attempting to protect it, is strangely placing its members' welfare in unfortunate danger.

YORK VISION Thursday June 7, 2007

LETTERS

Write to us: Vision Letters, Grimston House Email us: comment@vision.york.ac.uk

Making it cle ar, keeping it FAB Dea r Vision,

sellors do a fantastic job, but as your reporter men I’d like to clear up a tioned the se rv misunder s t a n d i n g ily oversubs ice is heavcribed (and arising in , Lu arguably, un lor’s articl cy Tayder-funded), e, ‘Body even without the pressure Talk’, in yo ur last is- of women w ho would un sue. The ar ticle stated doubtedly benefit from that FAB (F ood And support but Bodies), th ar e scared e or embarras sed to mak discussion an campus e d support an appointm ent. Our aim group, is ‘b eing run in is that FA B can prov conjunction ide with the a safe and University co Counsel- space for wom nfidential ling Servic en to dise’. This is cuss their food and bo simply not dy the case. image concer While FAB with has links other studen ns with ts , whether the Counsel- or not they ling Servic choose to e, Medical seek additi onal help fr Centre, and om YUSU, this counsellors is simply or doctors. to ensure that our mem bers have Yours faithful access to ly, ad support. The equate Christina Ken sity-employed Univerny (student coun- organiser, FAB)

by B is run that FA dependn io s s pre is in ential e group ve the im if we ga g service. Th vides a confid e is g lo in o ro ll say, p We ap ounse ersity c , as you . the univ tudent-run and ss body issues u s c d is n d a t to n e n r wome forum fo

racist? n o i s i V k r o Is Y r ways for and cheape

Layout lapse Dear Vision, I have a bit of a complaint about the layout of the last Vision, it seemed sort of insensitive to place the Eating Disorders article right next to the campus stunner and just before a two page spread on Miss York. It just seemed a little odd. Anonymous

I wrote both of seemed insens those articles and I apolog itive. I can se ise if it though, that e the articles ex your point. I think, plore two sid same issue - w es of the ha of an image-ob t happens when we go to ex ssessed societ y. The Miss Yo tremes was headlined rk article "Sexist or Sexy championing ?" and I was in the cause of th e beauty cont no way The "Society est. Stunner" feat ure is, of cour in-cheek. se, tongueRegards, Lucy Taylor.

Toilet Talk COMMENT EDITOR

Tom SHELDRICK

ook in the right places, and use a bit of imagination, and this place is beginning to look worryingly like the north end of Brixton. Graffiti left, right and centre. The difference here is, with several notable exceptions, the typical York University ‘modern artist’ has something to say. And, when you think about it, what better place to look for the issues that are most on our minds than the grubby inside wall of a Vanbrugh toilet cubicle? Indeed, it was during an all-toobrief escape from the monotonous cheese of a second-term Planet V that my eyes were first opened to the availability of coherent and informative restroom reading material. In true journalistic style, I fought off considerable intoxication to note down “religion: open for scrutiny? Or just blind faith?” Whilst I must confess to not spending too much of my time bible-in-hand, the ponderings of a disillusioned library-attendee did get me going. “Fear and money are the thieves of dreams”; some pretty exciting thoughts for someone who has similar spiel pinned up on his bedroom wall, and poles apart from the explicit sextalk you find under Brighton Pier. You couldn’t have missed the “Save our porters” slogans plastered all over campus earlier this year. When something needs to be done, there’s no shortage of students queuing up to get stuck in.

But there’s no reason why the recent socialist fists should be thought of any different. Whilst I cannot endorse the aggressive extremism of Redwatch, the variety of different, and more often that not, radical opinions is what makes the student community what it is. The club of PEP recently attracted Trevor Phillips, Head of the Commission for Equality and Human Rights, to speak on campus, whilst Director of Anti-slavery International Aidan McQuade is appearing in York on Wednesday. Not exactly child’s play. On top of this, we have possibly the best student media in the country, plus every society from Croquet to Cyprus Friendship. As York Tories put it, “join the debate.” Our recent slide down the league tables has been largely attributed to student satisfaction being added into the criteria. Aren’t we an ungrateful lot! The higher up we get, the more we complain! But that’s not the point. The Times Good University Guide 2007 details average University of York expenditure at £199 per student, compared to Bath’s £417 and Durham’s £326. We are not a racist university, nor one lacking in innovative thought. As I see it, the problems lie not with the students, but with our facilities. Here it is; you knew it was coming. The biggest talking point since the last biggest talking point, the ‘Porters Crisis’. Heslington East.

igrants far simpler illegal imm ithout w prospective K U e th to t gen- to gain access e current £9,150 th ondering wha I was just w would be a good forking out seas nonit fee for over ius decided fectively minimum Surely skipping out ef as w t ha simidea to run w on scare-story EU student. sa would be e of rati the on a tourist vi bl an immig h ou it tr w e k th ee g to on w in an electi effort pler than goin t is still one of g in such an here in wha g in ll ro sities? BNP puttin w en top univer eas of York was the country's timate in many ar ly ul on e th ot N ? om de fr stustudents resi s, but your story Quite apart as se er ov the as the of the timing cr ishing’ students intentions of sk ta an not the , em th of the 42 ‘v offered no proof dents, it is of k S to keep trac e Office, over 3 YEAR ken the university ta om H ey e th th at of th whatsoever egally it is the role ose’ or not. to reside ill ‘fit for purp e ey m th so opportunity be ly ed Undoubt in the UK. r more rt , but isn’t it fa went did just this y Rowan Allpo D Politics pl m si y it or aj H m P e ar th e y Ye el th st lik Fir ugh ut going thro home witho Student rrassment of ba em d an so al trauma e ar t’? There ‘dropping ou

Dear Vision,

It’s just what the university needs. On perusing campus yesterday morning, I came across “There’s nothing original to say” scrawled across the library’s outer wall. I’ll take this as an initial declaration of campus stagnation and not a reflection on the student media. We have outgrown the current campus, in regard to available wall for more graffiti if nothing else. Bleachfields is going up in double-quick time. (It looks like we’ve got builders who work at the weekend!) Vanbrugh is redeveloping, and the university should follow suit. York People and Planet’s recent leaflet campaign raises some important issues. Yes, it would be nice if they’d “guarantee a low carbon Heslington East.” But let’s not get bogged down with issues of environmentally friendly loo roll, and

ink I don’t th ry. However or po st im y e m th cused on fended by you were of y” at all. The story fo safe and if el y fe rr so em m th Firstly, I’ scare stor d making immigration rnational students an te it was an “ in r te y story. If af g in ow about an is article kn tance of look to t gh ri th ve a ading secure. d readers ha for the BNP after re I would e public an te em anyway. th r fo d However th bloody stupid as to vo te that is vo ve ne ha yo ld an so ou people are that they w it may upset or offend n ai rt ce t e mos then I’m al important story becaus at there is . I agree th led out never pull an onsible journalism. e at anyone ng am si r bl e ve sp th ne t re e in even less on that w sity. did not po for this reas e the story at the univer Furthermor university can do. Its sible for immigration e on very little th le/departments resp ne. op yo the admin pe , sorry if I offended an gh Again thou dam Thorn. Regards, A

look at the bigger picture. This university is really going somewhere. I’m never one to discourage a bit of student activism, but, this time, what are we complaining about? The planned expansion will take our student numbers over 15,000 for the first time, giving us a chance to compete with the big boys in BUSA. More importantly, with numbers going into higher education increasing year-on-year, we are saving ourselves from marginalisation as a tiny university. All this talk of our exclusivity disappearing with the Heslington hedgerows, I don’t believe it. Law and dentistry are hardly rent-a-degree subjects. As for the plans themselves, the land we’re engulfing is far from the idyllic wildlife-haven we’re led to believe. And who wanted to traipse across York to the far side of the

railway station? Heslington really is the only alternative as we strive to maintain the campus nature of our home. We’ve been asking for a central student venue for 40 years, and at last it may be on the cards. Finally some proper live entertainment back to campus. Sorry but Kubichek just don’t cut it. As I said, stirring against the university is a great part of student vibrancy. But this time, sit down. Pick your fights. I’ve heard enough about the short-term costs, but this is absolutely necessary to revitalise our university. For your interest, the scrawls have now disappeared from both toilets. The university oppressing our creative souls I hear you cry! I think not.

comment@vision.york.ac.uk

10 COMMENT

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

>COLUMNS Claudia STERN

Fantasy granddads

FEATURES EDITOR

n May, I found myself in the middle of a wedding looking around at my school friends all arm-linked and coupled up, in pashminas and posh frocks. The bride and groom read their vows in trembling voices and it occurred to me: this is serious. They stood in front of us all - the girls in particular one time girlson-the-pull types - and declared that that was that, they were in it forever. I was emotional, overwrought with happiness for them as it happens, they really will be content together. But I started to think about what I had been doing in the last 6 years since I left school; not meeting the man I was going to marry that’s certain. The problem of being 24 but still at university is not that you haven’t found yourself a husband - my friend Jess accused me of sounding like a Jane Austen novel the other day. It is much more

"The bride and groom read their vows in trembling voices and it occurred to me: this is serious" simple, you have to spend much of you time explaining away your choices. Everyone knows, it’s all about the CV-spangly gap year you did etc, etc, but it doesn’t half get you some eye rolls. Oh you’re one of those, are you? You’ve not actually done anything then? Are you going to get a proper job? And that is just in their quick glance. I could well be paranoid; it is not that I don’t value what I have spent these six years doing - degree: check, travelling: check, ridiculous overdraft: check - but it doesn’t make me feel like a grown-up. This is my main gripe. Those friends, who are engaged, married, have babies, have houses, have mortgages and probably have horses in the stable; they can legitimately claim to be adults. Every time I find myself collapsed drunk or even just avoiding opening a bank statement I realise I have not been able to reach full maturity. And yet, in my head I know that I have changed considerably since I was 18.What was once fierce need for independence is now an actuality; I can look after myself and I also know that I sometimes have to ask for help. It was a pretty special day for me, that wedding, but it’s also pretty special knowing that you choose were you’re life goes next: world and oysters and all that. And anyway the bride was trying to fit me up with the groom’s brother, so I might have the man thing sorted already.

features@vision.york.ac.uk

Katie JACOBS

have a strange fantasy. It’s not the kind with whips and chains, or bizarre places, with even more bizarre people. In fact, it’s not sexual at all (although I have a fair few of those, never fear). It involves the elderly. Granddads in particular to be precise - and before you write me off as a complete and utter sexual deviant, remember: it involves no sex. Since I was old enough to read books featuring lovely, non-dysfunctional families who spend all their time together drinking old fashioned lemonade in between driving around the country in camper vans solving mysteries, I’ve fantasised about having the perfect granddad. One who manages to be both old and sprightly, wise and mischievous; the kind of granddad who would take me on adventures and get me into trouble but always come through for the clean-cut, fresh-faced me in the end, like some sort of wizened knight in shining tweed. This is not to say that my own granddads are in any way bad. Well, one of them is dead which I shouldn’t need to say makes going on crazy yet wholesome adventures rather taxing. Not that I haven’t tried: grave-robbing isn’t fun kids, it’s also highly illegal and the smell is rather sickening. The other one is very nice, but he’s missing a certain spark (sanity?). He sits there and smiles and doesn’t really say very much, which just is not what I’m looking for in a fantasy grandad. Grandparents are strange

"Sir Ian McKellen looks like he'd rather explore semiflooded caves than fall asleep in front of the racing" creatures. I have read and heard stories of people who view theirs as more like friends, allies against their actual parents. I have yet to see this in real life. Between me and my friends, all we seem to have is senility and an aversion

to our excessive swearing/drinking/general debauchery. Which is not to imply that wicked-ace old people don’t exist: they do, I’ve seen them. I fully intend to be one. If I make it beyond 45. I saw them on This Morning the other day (yes, my friends, now my degree is officially over I can devote all my time to watching daytime TV): a band called The Zimmers performing ‘My Generation’, amassing an age of 3000 between them. They looked like the kind of grandparents, or at least great aunts and uncles, who would fulfil my Enid Blyton inspired fantasies - only hopefully involving less casual racism and sexism. Sir Ian McKellen is probably my ultimate fantasy granddad. He’s talented, funny, tall and looks like he’d rather explore semi-flooded caves with you than fall asleep in front of the racing. He’s also bloody Gandalf, for Christ’s sake, and can you imagine being related to Gandalf ? However, there are a couple of problems with instating him as Granddad No.1. For a start, not wanting to shock you here, but he is gay: he has sex with men. This means that the logistics of having him as my granddad are at the unlikely to impossible end of the scale, unless he had a brief dalliance with my grandmother before becoming fully aware of his sexuality. The second, and perhaps larger problem, what with social conventions and niceties being what they are, is that I have a bit of a crush on good old Sir Ian, so him being my actual granddad would no doubt

lead to all sorts of awkward “Oh my god, I think I want to get on my granddad” issues, and incest is not for me. Perhaps he could be some sort of unrelated-by-blood uncle… Michael Palin is another of these problematic possible dream relatives. Who wouldn’t want to go around the world in 80 days with that man? He has such a perfect twinkle in his eyes. No, the concern here again lies with the fact that me, and practically every other girl I’ve ever met, fancy the khakis off that man. He is just dreamy, and any girl who claims they haven’t found themselves thinking about what lies under his safari suits, is probably lying. Why is it exactly that these men old enough to be our grandfathers inspire sordid little fantasies? I put the question to my housemates as they lay in a state of Sunday morning hangover on the sofa: “You know Michael Palin, why exactly would we all have sex with him?” The conclusion that we reached, in between breathily sighing, “He’s just so lovely isn’t he?”, was that that slightly naughty twinkle in his wrinkly eyes make him prime crush material. I promise you, I don’t secretly want to jump all of my fantasy granddads: I can categorically state that not a single one of The Zimmers inspired a stirring in my groin. And seeing as how boys of my own age (generally) have no problem rising to the occasion as it were, I think I’ll stick to shagging them, and keep my fantasy granddads for whenever the mood to have an adventure strikes me.

deputy.editor@vision.york.ac.uk

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds

Ruth MACLEAN

he Willow, York’s finest prawn cracker-disco, has been making some handsome dollar recently, I reckon. How do I know, eh? Has the chef/ DJ been spotted clad in delicately embroidered pink silks? Gold-leaf statues of Prince on every mahogany table? Is there finally a lock on the ladies’ end cubicle (which, if I was Maria and/or a medieval chronicler, I would customarily describe as a festering foreskin of sin)? Better. Until last Friday the DJ box, which overlooks the dance floor, contained a CCTV screen which ludicrously displayed said dance floor. Such extravagance, I hear you say. The jammiest DJs in town, I hear you say. Wait until you hear the rest. There is now another television. This plays screenfuls of subtitles, which our deities in their newly be-screened box claim to be the lyrics. Please. Do they think we, who faithfully show up every weekend to flagellate our sequinned bottoms in Willow-worship, don’t know the

words to our own hymns? In any whole, I’m glad that the Willow is case, it’s all in Chinese, with a making its way into so many peobackdrop of Chinese girls in jeans ple’s lives, curing them of their and jumpers sitting by bridges. fear, their cowardice, and their lack (Speaking of which, earlier that of emotional honesty. Which is very day on the Micklegate bridge: “Gee, unselfish of me. It’s difficult to hate don’t you just love history? It’s so this trendification-of-sorts if you old,” says one American tourist to look at the individuals that comher husband. I’m not making it prise it, though. A favourite is the up). portly stripy-top gentleman who, Probably, the DJ is just being even with a bit of egging on, refuses ironic about the lyrics. “If you want to dance to anything but Paint It to dance with your drink, please try Black and then takes a waltz, mulnot to drop it,” he says welcomingly, tiplies it by five thousand, minuses only slightly jadedly, as the music a partner and Is Amazing. A lechergoes off and the lights go on and ous man whose unsubtle advances the floor is cleared for the sweep of are matched only by his exceptional another obnoxious dancing-induced height (which together make for breakage. He has a lovely sense of mostly unsuccessful evenings) humour. Still, it’s an odd purchase. somehow manages to mooch, surI would have invested in more fans, to enable both ends of the room to Kate Bushify their hair and swoopy dancing. The Willow’s monetary success is down to its increased patronage, which is up from six people to ninety-four, last count. Of course, like pre-Elephant White Stripes fans, some long-time regulars find this hard to take. “Get out!” they shriek, and dance to newcomers’ inexpertly chosen requests with their fingers in their ears and their elbows doing as much damage ["York's finest prawn cracker-disco"] as possible. On the

rounded by And I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles stompers. Leanne, who’s just punched her girlfriend, rushes after her into the toilets – past the girl repainting her cat’s face – hits the cubicle door repeatedly in the absence of the offending nose and deigns to pass her two sheets of toilet paper (but no more) to stem the resulting flow. I feel normal by comparison until my mother, an insomniac, calls. “Hello, darling. I was just thinking about you while I was weeding the garden”, she says.

Ruth was a 2006 Guardian 'Student Columnist of the Year' nominee.

RUBBISH

YORK VISION

THE SKETCH

tiistai kesäkuu 5, 2007

Draaaawing out the truth...

ANIMAL FARM 2: DOWN WITH THE DUCK VISION SUPER-DUPER SPECIAL

BY BEN DOVER

fter a steady increase in wildlife activity in recent months, the animals of Heslington have dramatically risen up and taken our beloved farmyard. Now exiled in nearby pikey centre Clifton, Vision can exclusively reveal the intricate details of leader Rich Croaker’s masterplan to forcefully overDuck’s Greg throw rule, and control the farm himself. Chair-frog Croaker has always been known as a loud-mouthed opponent to Duck’s regime, ever since joining the farm in 1984. Croaker’s forceful resistance has grown even stronger, with the imminent arrival of a froglet into the top position in the cowshed. proceedRevolutionary ings began with the release of ‘Brutal Bruce’ the Goose into student areas of campus sev-

ret c e S

eral months ago. Bruce’s aggressive nature resulted in the premature ‘removal’ of several students, and the maiming of a

well-known security chief. Disillusioned by Duck’s dictatorial approach, local horse Brian even joined Croaker’s noble brigade, and was last week spotted Canter-ing around campus, much to the

Our YUSU Exec. Not exactly superheroes are they?!

annoyance of Inspector Druff. However, national commentators have expressed doubt regarding Canter’s motives, cyn-

ics saying he is just trying to increase his personal power by joining Croaker. In a dramatic turn of events last Thursday, Croaker led an army of over one hundred protesting animals to storm

Duck’s lake-side nesting place. Duck was banished, and is now suspected to be lying low in Belgium. Croaker is now planning the expansion of lake facilities to envelop all nearby human buildings. A snail-racing track shall replace the existing Sports Centre, whilst a central barn has been planned for the year 2025. Hay provisions will of course be stateof-the-art. Goodricke College shall soon be replaced by a glorious green statue picturing Croaker in all his glory. The Vision office is to become an the largest armadillo den in the North East. Although Croaker was unavailable for comment, when Vision quizzed Canter about the animals’ future plans for expansion, he simply said: “Croaker is always right”.

VISION'S PHOTO CASEBOO K REAL-LIFE PEOPLE, REAL-LIFE ISSUES Not so long ago, in a land not so far away, was a tale of unrequited love and jealousy... What's this... an office outing?!

Marvin's mind's on Pam Eugh, like What Ever!

Thursday June 15, 2017

Dearest Multiplex, We here at the University of Yorkie are about to undertake an exciting new expansion project, entitled ‘Heslingtown North South East and Central.’ First I shall conquer Heslington, then York, and one day I will rule the world!

He's so dreamy

But Pam's only got eyes for one man... Derek

Anyway, in order to complete this project to the highest standards and to satisfy our tight deadlines, we are looking to recruit a highly professional and world-renowned bill-ding company.

York University Sports Centre '08 3 hours

Membership

£6.79

Use of the toilets Fitness Suite

4.5 minutes

Guided tour of changing facilities Squash court

£169

1 hour Donations welcomed

Due to Uncle Gordon’s forthcoming lift on the £3,000 cap on tuition fees, we will soon be able to extract astronomical funds from our latest crop of little learners. In light of your recent achievements in the well documented ‘Wembley farce’ we feel that you would be well-suited to this task. Our estimated expenditure will be around £500 million, but what’s a couple of billion between friends, when I’m not paying?! I feel that if we can be united in this glorious venture it bring great honour to both us and our fathers. A new pond, the odd alcohol consumption facility and a state-ofthe-art conference centre, boasting 100 luxury bedrooms, dining and bar facilities... …health spar… I even get my own pool!

Get the t-shirt, get the girl!

£94 £575 £320

Yours insincerely, Brian Can't-Score

NEXT ISSUE: Will Pam still have the hots for t-shirtless Derek? And can Derek and Marvin rebuild their friendship?...

12 FEATURES

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Thursday June 7, 2007

P14

Dealing with diversity has the potential to be the most destructive issue we face

MISUNDERSTOOD

After witnessing police forcefully arresting a man who was thought to be a danger to others, Lizzy Dale explores how diabetes can sometimes be misconstrued

hree weeks ago I had to give a statement to York police after witnessing an incident in the city centre. I saw a man in his late twenties sat motionless in his car in the middle of a junction on the corner of Rougier Street, near Reflex bar. His obstruction of the entire left-hand lane caused chaos with the traffic. Cars and buses

The driver's eyes were white and rolling around uncontrollably in their sockets

veered dangerously around him, with drivers sitting on their horns or screaming a torrent of abuse. I soon realised that if I didn’t go over to help him then nobody would, but I was reluctant to approach the driver. Perhaps an underlying thought that he could be aggressive had subconsciously entered my head, so I sent two passing men to check on him. On approaching the car, the driver’s eyes were white and rolling around uncontrollably in their sockets. His torso was shaking and his head was swaying restlessly on the headrest. As the police arrived, they were informed that he was possibly having some sort of fit. “Get out of the car,” yelled a female police officer. “Get out of the car.” The man gave no response.

Police back-up were radioed and, almost instantly, four additional police officers jumped out of a newly arrived van. Then my heart dropped. I don’t remember when I finally removed my hand from my mouth. The female police officer had battened the man across the head and forced pepper spray into his eyes until he was unable to react. He was dragged from the car by two other officers, who slammed his body to the ground, with his face painfully hitting the concrete road. His legs were bent upwards, preventing his movement, and his hands were pulled round his back and constrained by handcuffs. It’s hard to say whether this constituted necessary force. According to the police, the driver was reaching for something. Consequently, it turned out to be his insulin. He was a diabetic. A huge crowd appeared intent on gossiping as to what offence the criminal had committed. As an Eastern European, it wasn’t hard for them to stereotype him. Finally, the handcuffs were removed and he was taken to hospital in an ambulance, which didn’t appear for a good fifteen minutes - by which time, the driver had not only experienced a coma, but was holding his hands to his eyes as he suffered the painful sting of the pepper spray, his face dripping with tears and excess spray. Ironically, the exact words when the passing man initially phoned the police were: “He’s either diabetic, epileptic or possibly on drugs,” none of which are surely any reason for the police to react the way they did. Rachel Cadwallader, a third year history student, agreed to talk about instances when her diabetes has been misunderstood.“Not so long ago, I was in a pub with

some friends for a meal,” she said. “I always have to do an injection before I eat, so I asked people around me if they were OK with me doing it. Later, the manager approached me and asked me to leave, saying he couldn’t allow people to take drugs in his restaurant. When I explained I was diabetic, he didn’t even know what diabetes was. I even showed him my ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet, which states that I have type two diabetes and am on insulin, but he got angry and demanded I leave. “My brother was also thrown out of a club in Oxford, because they thought he was paralytic, when in fact he was having a fit and was almost comatose. He wasn’t able to communicate or articulate what was wrong, so they put him in a back room and left him.”

I usually feel lethargic and shaky, I hallucinate and start to act like I'm drunk Rachel went on to explain the physical effects of low blood sugar levels. “Although it differs from

Photo by Tom Hole person to person, I usually feel lethargic and shaky," she said. "I hallucinate and start to act like I’m drunk. Some people become violent and you don’t even recognise your friends and family. You can’t interpret what’s going on around you. A lot of people don’t understand what diabetes generally is. They don’t understand the symptoms and that’s where the problem lies.

DIABETES FACTFILE

*There are over two million people with diabetes in the UK. A further 750,000 people have the condition and don’t even know it. *Diabetes is a metabolic disorder, caused by a dangerously high amount of glucose in the blood, which the pancreas is unable to control. The beta cells in the pancreas are unable to produce sufficient amounts of the hormone insulin, which helps the glucose to enter the cells and prevents high blood sugar levels. *There are two main forms of diabetes. Type one is caused by the pancreas being unable to produce any insulin due to the destruction of pancreatic beta cells, whereas type two is due to not enough insulin being produced or the insulin made being inefficient. This type is far more common, accounting for 85-95% of all people with diabetes. *Since 1921, insulin has been medically available and tablets for type two diabetics now help to ease treatment too. An increased emphasis on blood pressure control and lifestyle factors, such as exercising and following a good diet, improve and maintain the health of diabetics.

VISION'S

LOOKING BACK IN WONDER If you have ever fancied time travel then Past Life Regression might be just the thing for you -Vision gets itself all psyched out

"Regarding the city centre incident with the police, sometimes you just can’t tell whether people are diabetic or intoxicated. He was probably dehydrated, irate and tired. He wouldn’t have realised his blood sugar was low. It’s so awful what happened though. If only people weren’t so scared of what they don’t understand.”

P16

Taking on the big boys at The Aprentice, York and losing!

P15

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Thursday June 7, 2007

I'M DEAF, NOT DUMB Born with a profound hearing impairment, Ruth MacMullen explores deafness as a disability, and reveals the prejudice and ignorance she and others encounter

took me around five years to learn to hear again. I hate preconceived ideas of what deafness entails. I see the ideology as incredibly negative, denoting signing people trapped in a silent world. Lesley-Anne is an oral deaf who had an implant last January. Sign language is her first language and she has both hearing and deaf friends. What a lot of people don’t realise is the divisions that exist within the deaf ‘community’. Anna explains: "Sign language and spoken English is the main division between deaf people." LesleyAnne feels discriminated against by many of her friends because of her ability to talk, and the fact that she has a hearing boyfriend. Anna benefited little from a hearing aid, and has never learned to speak oral English. Her written English is nevertheless extremely good. She is a very intelligent young woman who graduated last year from Preston Uni with a degree in Deaf Studies and Sociology. Anna uses British Sign Language to communicate effectively and can write fluently, but she complains that "this is a hearing person’s

I know many that have had a chuckle at the sign interpreters on music channels in the early hours of the morning – gesturing enthusiastically and truly ‘feeling the beat’. In fact, my hearing friend Iain was so enamoured that he fer-

This is a hearing person's world, there are constant barriers between me and my dreams

The glaring lack of deaf awareness in our society is truly alarming

world. There are constant barriers between me and the job of my dreams." I once attempted to explain to somebody what being deaf is like, and what it has taken to get this far. The said guy, who suffered an unfortunate inferiority complex over being ginger, replied: "You can get speech therapy and implants – what am I supposed to do, dye my hair for the rest of my life?" My friend (who has cystic fibrosis) and I were so overcome by this poor guy’s plight that we immediately proceeded to send him a sympathy card expressing our profound sorrow for his gingerness. It read: 'Dyeing your hair is an evil and thankless task; we do not envy you it.' (I dye my hair every month to a slightly darker shade of brown so it matches my eyebrows better – call me superficial, but what the hell.) He was surprisingly ungrateful. Anyway, this reflects the misconception that cochlear implants ‘cure’ deafness, rather like how putting on a pair of glasses allows a person to see properly. Cochlear implants do not make deaf people hear. They may allow them access to sound, and it is up to the individual to be able to utilise this and turn it into effective hearing. Deb Taylor, the Disability Support Coordinator at York, explains that deaf students "all have different attitudes to their hearing impairment and different ways of dealing with it. There are assumptions that all deaf people are really good at lip reading or that they all use sign language." Hearing loss can range from mild to profound; those in the upper levels of the spectrum may not feel disabled. I went to A-level Chemistry at a consortium college, where the teacher had not been told that I was deaf. Upon entering my second lesson he proceeded to proudly sign at me with grand flourishes - I was later told that he had practised for hours, bless him - leaving me to stutter with embarrassment: "I don’t know sign language, Sir…" We demonstrate such a glaring and obvious lack of deaf awareness in our society today that it is truly alarming. If I want to go and see a film with subtitles, I am lucky if my local cinema chooses to screen even one showing. There is a general prejudice that deaf people do not understand, and are therefore stupid. I strongly believe that deafness is a disability that is dictated by our culture, and in an age that is increasingly concerned with physical perfection, deaf people could cope much better if only there was more awareness. Lesley-Anne argues that sign language should be offered as a curricular option, and I cannot think why it should not be integrated in some way. It is actually easy to learn, and I cannot shake off the feeling that the basic ignorance of this separate language creates divisions in our society; artificial barriers where there needn't be any.

ey, Ruth, the perks of being deaf !" my friend Steve exclaimed. "Ignore him," whispered my friend Helen. "He’s so… politically incorrect." This exchange took place years ago. I was in year nine, and had just been given my first free bus pass. It continues to stick in my head years later. Think, what does deafness mean to you? Does it conjure up images of silent people, gesturing enthusiastically with their hands? Do you think of old people with hearing aids, beaming at you amicably? Or do you imagine average people on the street, maybe your age, maybe a bit older or younger? Maybe this person doesn’t sign and you may not even realise straightaway that they are deaf, if at all. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Ruth. I was born profoundly deaf and, according to medical estimations, I should never have learned to speak or to communicate using ‘oral’ English. To my enduring amusement I am now at university doing an English literature degree. I had a cochlear implant when I was thirteen and it

vently claimed: "Being one of those guys is my only goal in life." Good luck to him, I say! However, the portentous assumption that sees all-round integration as only a positive thing can be challenged on the basis that a lot of deaf people are against it - a defence borne through the ignorance and stigma that surrounds deafness and sign. Anna explains that "the mingling of deaf and hearing people could lead to a lessening of the deaf community." Many deafs are fiercely proud of their heritage and the individuality that it signifies. BSL users

The BSL sign for 'story'

see themselves as being part of a linguistic minority, yet some go even further, seeing attempts to ‘cure’ deafness – through cochlear implants and oral speech – as akin to cultural genocide. These barriers are in a sense tantamount to protraction, leading to a reversion of good things that have happened over the last few decades: subtitling, and the Disability Discrimination Act. Deb Taylor agrees that "deafness is only really a disability in an environment that assumes everyone can hear perfectly." Perhaps, one day, my utopian fantasy will come into fruition and both deaf and hearing people will have the choice over how to communicate. Until then, I have no choice but to sit on the proverbial fence and wait. Lesley-Anne, Anna, and I all have a similar level of hearing loss, yet the way we cope with it and the

subsequent impact on our lives could not be more different. Our ‘disability’ is dictated by how we live our lives. I feel like a member of the hearing world, but I find it difficult to join in large group conversations and to access lectures and seminars. Lesley-Anne feels this in a keener sense, as she is more reliant on sign language. Anna’s community provides support and empathy, and she has some fantastic friends, yet she is cut off from the hearing world almost completely. Until greater awareness is raised and more hearing people know of the option to learn sign, and the different spectrums of deafness, hearing will always be a disabling factor. And really… why should it be?

USEFUL WEBSITES: www.rnid.org.uk www.deafeducation.org.uk

Photo by Emily Kent

14 FEATURES

inside view #6 Film-making Unlike other societies I have covered here, to obtain a proper experience of the University of York Film-making Society a lengthier period of time than one afternoon or evening was required. After going along to a meeting towards the end of last term (8:15pm in Langwith – finally, a society with evening meetings that don’t require missing Hollyoaks), one of the committee members put me in touch with a writer/director of a film that was to be shot this term. Assigned the role of co-producer (for some reason, some of the main roles in the production of the film have to be fulfilled by a committee member) my tasks were not too challenging. Obviously, this would have been a different story had it not been a film about freshers, with a cast of freshers, filmed in Halifax. I have a sneaky feeling that a film about aliens would have proved a little more difficult. What surprised me about this society was the professionalism and the organisation. It is a very individual process, with somebody submitting a script, and then others being assigned to the film/choosing to join it. As ‘co-producer’ my duties were to organise props, filming times and book locations, and to generally help out on set. Aided by an extremely organised writer/director, it was quite a relaxed procedure, even if most of my tasks were actually done for me. As mentioned above, no real props were needed, and after finding the room-booking processs challenging, the writer took over. My inadequacies aside, once the administrative tasks were out of the way, I spent Wednesday afternoon ‘on set’ in JJ’s. This was quite a weird experience, the most surprising thing being the time it took to film anything. Seeing as the film itself was approximately five minutes long, the fact that it took an hour to perfect the filming of a page of dialogue was at best impressive in it’s attention to detail…and at worst tedious. Despite this, it was a positive experience overall, although I must stress the importance of speaking up if you wish to get involved. The meetings can be a little intimidating, as they consist only of talking about projects, often by long-seasoned members. Another potential downside of the society is the time commitment involved. Film-making should be seen as a long term process, so if you’re impatient and like quick results for your labour, then it’s probHW ably not for you.

inside report inclusive/cliquey active/sedate

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

PHILLIPS: I'LL READ CELEB BIG BRO THE RIOT ACT

Photo: Alex Papushoy

INTERVIEW :

Head of the Commission for Racial Equality Trevor Phillips talks diversity and identity with Iain Withers

he spectre of difference looms large over modern Britain. Politicians clatter around Parliament, more conscious of the challenges of diversity than ever before. The main parties, thankfully, appear to recognize at last that the issue of immigration should not be discussed irresponsibly in a way that stokes division in society. But racial tensions are far from disappearing. The BNP won ten seats at the council elections last

An important role for the Students Union is making sure that when people arrive they feel welcome month, whilst their vote share increased in many areas. In a recent survey the BBC found that half of the British public thought that Britain was a ‘racist society’. Trevor Phillps, head of the Commission for Racial Equality, argues that the issue of ‘how we treat each other’ in an increasingly diverse society may prove “the most destructive issue” facing our generation. His passion is to challenge our preoccupation with ethnic and cultural difference. It does not take a political scientist to note where infatuation with cultural difference has proved devastating in recent years. The July 7th bombers in London were Yorkshire-born. The terrorist attacks raised the pressing question of whether modern Britain was capable of overcoming and accepting ethnic and cultural differences. Clearly there is a chasm between a disaffected Muslim and a deranged suicide bomber misguidedly acting in the name of Islam, but disaffection with ‘British’ culture, especially among young Muslims, is an issue Britain as a whole must overcome. I ask Phillips how we might foster a greater sense of community across cultures. “I think it’s a bit odd to hear young Muslims say to

you that Britain is Islamophobic – that they don’t have a place in the country – whilst they’re speaking to you in the broadest of Yorkshire vowels or a Lancashire accent. These people frankly are as English as you or me but they don’t feel it and I think the problem is that we haven’t yet caught up with reality – we haven’t caught up with the fact that being a Yorkshire person isn’t really defined by colour any more." "To take a good example up here – it’s only three years ago that Yorkshire cricket club basically decided that it wasn’t going to keep the Asians out. The right approach to community is to stress what’s changing and to draw people’s attention to that rather than constantly to what is different.” It is this desire to move away from a situation where everything is seen through a prism of difference that led Phillips to decry the failure of multiculturalism. Specifically, his concern was not with the failure of diversity, but with the failure of an approach to culture and ethnicity that resulted in people being pigeonholed. “When local authorities look at colour not citizenship – that’s where the problem lies.” Phillips seems to sway uneasily between optimism and pessimism. He believes that Britain “can create a position where people share identity” and enthuses about the people of Marseille, who avoided the race riots of France two years ago, armed with a shared sense of identity that was as much to do with a hatred of Paris as anything else. He notes that ‘Britishness’ is a topic of much interest currently, as Brown waits in the wings of number 10, and he is confident that progress on a sense of national identity can be made. Beneath his chirpy exterior, however, are reservations about the direction Britain is heading in. He has particular concerns about the impact of the choice agenda on schools in Britain. “Schools are increasingly becoming segregated because of choice” he says. “We choose to do it without thinking about it very much, but it is certainly worrying.” He accepts also that it is no easy ride fostering an inclusive, rather than ethnocentric, sense of identity. Minority integration has not merely registered as a topic for debate on the national radar. On campus the revelations made by this newspaper that many foreign students leave university without giving any notification, and are statistically more likely to cheat in exams, call into question whether foreign students are adequately

Trevor Phillips fills the Physics concourse with a charasmatic grin welcomed – academically or socially – when they arrive at York. Trevor Phillips says the Students Union should do much more. “If you’re a foreign student, the real problem socially is loneliness. It’s

It's odd to hear Muslims say they don't feel British when speaking in broad Yorkshire vowels the feeling that everybody else knows what to do and how to do it and everybody knows people and you don’t – it seems to me that perhaps there’s an important role for the Students Union in making sure that when people first arrive, they feel welcome, that they feel its OK to make mistakes with things, because that’s one of the real problems when you begin. I think a certain amount of determined inclusion and protection for students is very important, particularly when they arrive.” On the lack of diversity at York, Phillips remarks, “It certainly would be the case that York would be – like Oxford or Cambridge or

Bristol - one of the universities where there is a pretty low penetration of home minority students. I think it is certainly worth asking the question of ‘why’". Part of the reason for the lack of diversity at York is the comparatively fewer number of applications from home minority groups to the university. Phillips suggests that the current lack of diversity compounds the problem. “Well I think the answer probably lies in the fact that if people from ethnic minorities come to see York they look at it and they probably feel this is not the place for them. When sixth formers come on campus in UCL they see quite a lot of Asian students there. As a result they don’t then feel that they’ll be the only one on campus.” When Phillips isn’t applying his expertise to the problems of social cohesion and terrorism, he’s sifting through the seething fallout from this year’s Celebrity Big Brother ‘racism row’. Last week Ofcom published a damning report highlighting Channel Four’s mismanagement of the CBB controversy. I ask Trevor whether heads should roll at Channel Four. “Well its not a judgment for me to make, not least because I’m going to work with Channel Four to sort out what I’m going to do in the future. It's not really for me to talk about, I think I’m more interested in what they’re going to do next and my feeling is that what they’ve got to concentrate on, whoever's running Channel Four is why they so badly missed the point of what’s going on, that’s the real issue here, and probably in about five or six months time we will produce a report on all the things they ought to do.”

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

FEATURES

VISION

YOU'RE FIRED!

What are a load of working class heroes like us doing in The Apprentice? Claudia Stern explains how Vision came third in capitalism class

ut me in a room with Alan Sugar and I would probably explode. Simply the well-earned arrogance of Sugar and the likes of Donald Trump would have me fuming, and their continuous use of clichés would infuriate me further. Having said that, I would like to employ a few clichés to describe Vision’s four days spent competing in the Enterprise Club’s ‘The Apprentice, York’. It was: an emotional rollercoaster, a pain in the neck, an absolute nightmare and, at times, a complete mystery to me why I had asked others on the editorial team to sacrifice their morals to fight it out in The Apprentice.

day one Nobody on our team wanted to sell some greasy-looking doughnut and we had forty to flog for as much money as possible. Not only that, but the rules stated we were not allowed to bribe anyone or offer them sexual favours, so that was my first plan out. Whilst rumour has it that other teams resorted to men in boxers, Vision harped back to more innocent school fete days to attract our clientele. I am not sure whether we scared away clients with the now patented ‘York Vision Doughnut Game’, but I think we had more fun than the teams who were getting their wealthy friends to cough up the dough (sorry). In fact our game probably sums up Vision’s approach to The Apprentice. We were using our brand and so buying into the logic of marketing, and yet none of us thought it was ethical to sell a doughnut worth 10p at cost to students who were probably as poor as us. The invention of our game made the challenge much more bearable though, because it gave us something else to sell. Given the average doughnut we sold was £1.94 and overall the average was £2.44, it can hardly be said that we did not join in. And of course ingenuity is precisely what enterprise is all about; that and getting people to scoff doughnuts as fast as they can. Well done to the fastest scoffer – Jonathon Day managed it in 9.8 secs, what an achievement!

day two In that rollercoaster I mentioned earlier, day two was my big dipper. Bemused that we had made it through the first day, we were confident that the challenge to market the York Food and Drink Festival would be our field. It was perhaps a mixture of the confidence others in Vision showed and the fact that essentially we had only two ideas, which meant that I was suddenly taking it all too seriously. I am quite sure

to the next round: it’s all about the free stuff. Making our whole pitch about not buying advertising made us confident. Speaking about our own experiences as ‘the media’(!) and in my previous job, meant that we sounded like we could just go and implement our plans the next day. We were lying of course. We quickly made friends again, but it does make me wonder what I would have to give up to really work in marketing: my integrity, my belief in equality or maybe just my crippling angst about what I am able to do. We did, afterall, make it through to the final, so we cannot be that bad at self-promotion.

The infamous doughnut game. Photo by Jack Bristow

if the television cameras were there, they would have loved that I practically had a breakdown, but as it was, it was my team who had to deal with me in tears over my inability to sell our burger cooking competition! You see, apart from the whole money grabbing element, the thing I hate about big business the most is their brazen self-belief. Of course for one it highlights my own lack of self-belief, but more importantly it’s their arrogance which means that they think they are better than everyone. And it is this that would make me explode if in close contact with Alan Sugar. I suppose the way we overcame my doubts was to use the words that made it through

day three and four If day two was difficult for me, the most principled members of our team were in for a shock on the final challenge. As well as organise an event for Saturday, we also had to sell raffle tickets. To give you an indication of how much we hated it, on the first day we sold two! Not only was it a repeat of the doughnut task but without a sugary snack, we also had to deal with the trauma of answering the question: ‘Where’s the money going?’ Now, the prize money was always going into the Vision coffers if the paper had won, but when it came down to it, what we really wanted to say was it went to charity. The Enterprise Club really are doing great things on campus, but amongst the Vision team we are far more used to collecting money for worthy causes, so it felt dirty to be asking people for money, really grimy, which, to be honest, is why we did not really bother. Instead, we used skills that I had previously honed as RAG sponsorship officer at my old uni; that is demanding not money but free stuff. One team had dancers; another

VISION gives away loads of free booze. Photo by Xavier Nitsch

team had slaves and so when The Enterprise Club asked us what our theme was on Saturday, it was a little awkward: well, uh, free stuff. Convinced that people who come and sit in Vanbrugh bar between 8 and 10 do not want anything too exotic we bandied about words like ‘a chill out session’, but really our main theme was a big old box of free shit. Once again, we trotted out our brand and went around the lovely vendors and bar owners of York to get them to sponsor us. We had a particularly good response from Lush who gave us

Selling raffle tickets for profit felt pretty grimy so we didn't really bother 50 divine bars of soap: clearly students are still considered the great unwashed. We also had free chocolates from Whittards and loads from Thorntons; again, sugar works a treat. Our main focus remained, quite rightly, free alcohol. Not to stereotype all students but most really do just want booze. Our main sponsors were Vudu lounge who love students so much they will give you 20% off cocktails all weekdays, but for those who like a different scene, we also had donations from Dusk, The Red Lion and Vodka Revolution. Now if this all sounds like an advert to you, well done, you belong with the rest of us who are cynical about business. When it comes down to marketing, this is what we have. The very paper you have in front of you. Not just because we sometimes have advertisers but because we already are an enterprise. One that has lasted 20 years on this campus. We may not be able to get as many of you to buy a raffle ticket or attend our event in the face of competition but what we can offer is something that we really believe in. That, quite simply is Vision. So go on, have our ideas: they're free.

SUPPORTING VISION WERE PRIZES BY: WENTFEST 2007/ 3D HAIR/ VARSITY/ GIFTS BY: LUSH/ WHITTARDS/HMV/ DOMINO'S PIZZA/ THORNTONS/ ALCOHOL BY: VUDU LOUNGE/ VODKA REVOLUTION/ REVOLUTION/ DUSK/ THE RED LION/ EXTRA IMAGES BY: JACK BRISTOW

Save us Now! Deforestation in Osbaldwick! Dying Pandas in Acomb! Stifling Heat in the Vision Office! In light of the environment falling apart Vision begin their weekly investigations into how you can save your planet. We’ll be probing our way into every crevice of every melting ice cap and exploring just why we’re doomed. From Heslington Road to the far reaches of Heworth nobody is safe.

This Week Combat climate change by throwing a party Vision has discovered shocking evidence that suggests switching off lights and being smelly is NOT the way to combat climate change. Comparable to Chris Columbus’ 1492 ‘Its Round!’ shocker, ex Tang Hall resident Al ‘Get yer bunting out’ Gore has revealed exclusively that throwing a great big party IS the action needed to save Mother Earth. Indeed, reports indicate that James College’s annual Quad Dash has saved enough energy to power Kuwait for a week, while analysts predict that Summerball will pull the University’s carbon footprint into to the ‘little hippy’ category by 07/07/07. (Greenpeace Rating 2005). What’s more, rather than

ONCE UPON A LIFETIME

Hype or healing? Emma Barrow explores the power of hypnosis, in a bid to find out who she was in a past life

winging pocket watches. Kenny ‘look into my eyes’ Craig. Paul McKenna making people in deep, trance-like states declare their undying love for brooms. These are the images that most people would first associate with hypnosis, yet the reality is actually very different, at least according to internationally certified hypnotherapist, Susan Dunlop. “Forget the myths promoted by movies and TV,” she assures. “Hypnosis is not mind control.” Certainly, when I attended one

Forget the myths promoted by movies and TV. Hypnosis is not mind control of Susan’s hypnosis workshops, I realised that we should look beyond the stereotypes, there is, in fact, a very serious side to her profession. She helps people lose weight, give up smoking, overcome phobias and deal with divorce. And on a more spiritual level, she also offers past-life regression therapy, allowing people to explore their previous lives and, consequently, heal their present one. It was this type of hypnosis that took centre stage at the workshop. Based on the concept of the spiritual evolution of the individual through many lifetimes, it is becoming increasingly popular, challenging the conventional limitations of mortality, time and space. Clearly whether you buy into such an idea could depend on your religious beliefs, but as someone who has never really subscribed to any particular system of values, I didn’t have too much of a problem staying open-minded. We were first talked through the benefits and told a little bit about what to expect. “Some people see their past as if they were in their old bodies,” Susan explained. “Some see it as they were viewing a movie. Some people sense; they receive impressions. Some hear. Just as in life, everyone’s experience is different.” Following this introduction, we

were asked to shut our eyes, relax, and just listen to what was being said. At this point, I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself cynical, but nor was I convinced that I would be hypnotised merely by the sound of a person’s voice. Nevertheless, I tried to let myself go, aware that only people who want to be hypnotised can be. Initially, I struggled to relax, despite Susan’s soothing tones. She told us to imagine walking through the streets of York, with many different time periods swirling around us. Roman soldiers,Victorian gentlemen, wartime evacuees, all wandering through the Shambles. We then had to visualise a door or gate: a portal to our past lives. But I still felt very much aware of all that was going on around me that I was sitting in a shop in Gillygate, surrounded by strangers. Was this normal, or should I have been completely absorbed in the hypnosis process? A popular misconception is that you are unconscious during hypnotherapy when, in fact, you are in a state of hyper-awareness, so perhaps my feelings weren’t so unusual. Quite obviously though, there is no way of truly and directly comparing them to any other person’s, at least not with complete accuracy, and this is where the cynicism creeps in for some people. To what extent is hypnosis simply your brain playing tricks on you? Despite my wandering mind, I was determined to persevere. On going through the large wooden gate I envisaged in front of me, at first all I could see was black, but with some coaxing from Susan, images slowly began to appear. A big house. A garden. A lady in Victorian dress, holding an umbrella and playing croquet with a welldressed man who, incidentally, had a moustache. In all honesty, I couldn’t absolutely swear that these initial images occurred naturally; I still hadn’t relaxed completely, and I think I may have been seeing what I wanted to see. As my friend pointed when I told her what I’d seen, how could I have played croquet with an umbrella in my hand? Some things just didn’t quite make sense. However, as we moved on to explore a second past life, the images became much more vivid and, somehow, more real. There didn’t seem to be a thought process behind them this time; they simply appeared. I saw a middle-aged, rather rotund woman with tightlycurled hair in a large kitchen, surrounded by people chattering. As more detail appeared, I realised this woman was working in servants’

* The group workshop I attended was just an introductory 'taster' session. To reap the full benefits of past-life regression, Susan recommends three one-on-one sessions. *For more information, visit her website:

Next Week

www.luminouslifehypnotherapy.com

Free The Plants. Will Brian Cantor’s houseplants ever be released back into the wild?!

* Susan holds workshops at The Zentist in Gillygate, a shop and therapy centre dedicated to mind, body and spirit growth. For more information or to book a place, call 01904 622706.

Photo by Alex Papushoy quarters, surrounded by her colleagues. Resisting the temptation to take notes in my head, which Susan advised would not be conducive to the hypnosis process, I can’t remember all that I saw, but I have some recollection of other random images: the woman making eye contact with a grubby but cheerful looking man and him swinging her

I tried to let myself go, aware that only people who want to be hypnotised can be

conducting the expected sustainability survey on Heslington East, Vision investigations show University officials have plans for a giant piñata instead. ‘Its not just about hitting something with a big stick. Or having a good time. 'We’re raising awareness’ said one sombrerowearing official ‘we’re triggering a global movement to stop climate change. While nobody from People & Planet was available to comment on our research, Jennifer Wilkinson Smith a second year from Heslington Road was not afraid to speak out; ‘I never knew anything about climate change until George downed a pint of overpriced Carling and threw up in my shoes at a campus event. Now I’m doing everything I can to save our planet.’ And she’s not alone. We’ve been inundated with responses to the Vision ‘I’m ignorant, get me a party hat’ survey. An Alcuin First Year, who wishes to remain anonymous due to issues of bad taste, has even gone so far as downloading Johnny Borrell’s climate change ditty. So there you have it. Pop Stars, Party Hats and Donkeys. Our planet is saved.For now…

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

16 FEATURES

around in his arms, with them both giggling incessantly; then, later, the woman sitting by a fire cuddling a sleeping baby boy. Yes, it was all as sickeningly perfect as it sounds, and having enjoyed a peaceful and happy experience, I found myself not wanting the whole thing to end. But as I came round, feeling heavyheaded and hazy at first, with a big grin on my face, it became clear that others had not been so lucky. In fact they had been subjected to quite traumatic images: one woman visualised herself drowning, whilst another saw herself trying to escape from a fire. So what did our visions mean

and was there really anything to be learnt from them? Shallow it may be, but, to be honest, I was hoping to have been something a little more glamorous than a servant in my past life. For me then, Susan had welcome news. “Information recovered in past life regression is invariably true, but not always literally so,” she explained. “Some people’s memories will be metaphors of their current lives; other’s will be more vividly real than anything they’ve ever experienced. Both forms of remembering are methods of learning more about what it means to be human.” It all seemed to be coming back to the same thing: we explore our past lives in order to heal our present one. Whilst I couldn’t honestly say that I learnt anything especially profound from the images I was confronted with, it was most definitely a therapeutic experience which left me feeling surprisingly affected. My friend, Claudia echoed these thoughts. “What I was particularly surprised about was how it had an impact on my emotions,” she said. “Even if I was just imagining what I visualised, it conjured up powerful feelings, especially as I saw myself sitting with my mum when she was a young woman. We’re close, but it's strange to think we were friends in a past life.” Perhaps then, belief in the existence of reincarnation is not necessarily a pre-requisite for successful past-life regression. In truth, I will probably never absolutely know if what I saw was an imagined story or something deeper and more spiritual than that; yet I don’t feel this detracts at all from what was one of the most bizarre and, ultimately, fascinating experiences of my life. Well, this life at least.

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE

Thursday June 7 2007

>FOOD

>DRINK

>STYLE

>TRAVEL

MUCH MORE THAN JOHNNIES In celebration of the Nightline's 35 year anniversary, Nightline's public representatives Sophie Hurst, Abby Chipman and Natalie Ward expose the myths surrounding the organisation they to represent.

a time in order to give each call their full attention. De-tachable straps, a good idea in Myth Five: Girlsnot make thewhen best so good perhaps theory, Nightline reattach them every five you have to volunteers Busted: This, say the minutes! Public Faces, is simply not true. Given Nightline’s intensive training, almost anybody of either sex can become a good Nightthe dress belt cheapens plastic Tacky, liner. Any student, including postgrads (provided they don’t teach), can apply to become a Nightline volunteer. Nightline always tries to make sure that there is one maleAand volunteer be an old dress may blackfemale littleone onfavourite duty every and aregirls! almost s one for but it'night, ways on the tolook-out fortenmore other see at least Be prepared volunteers. the moment, Via similar dress wearing peopleAt sion can exclusively reveal that they are short on male volunteers.

ucked away in a quiet corner of Goodricke D Block, lies the home of an organisation that has served York students for the past thirty-five years. Most people will have noticed Nightline posters dotted around campus in toilets and computer rooms, but to many students Nightline remains an enigma. A brief survey conducted on campus seems to indicate that most students know nothing about Nightline, other than the fact it gives out free condoms. It is about time these common misconceptions and myths get busted. Comments received from students during the course of our survey included: “Nightline is only good for condoms” “Is that the thing with all the posters?” “Who?” “Why would you ever go there?"

Nightline is a lot more than just for condoms. Its a fully-fledged listening, information and sexual health supplies service that operates every night of term time, run by York students, for students. You can phone, email or visit Nightline at any time of the night, for any reason – not just for problems, and not just for condoms. Now do you understand exactly what Nightline is? No? Well, for the first time since Nightline was founded in York in 1972 Vision can disclose the truth behind the most scandalous rumours surrounding Nightline… Myth One: You must have a problem to talk to Nightline. Busted: Nightline is there to listen to your problems, but you don’t necessarily need a problem to talk to Nightline. You’re always more than welcome to

come over for a coffee and a chat any time during the night. Nightline also offers a wide range of information - on everything from takeaway menus to careers to GUM clinic opening times. Even if Nightline doesn’t have the information you’re looking for, they will probably be able to put you in touch with someone who does. D u ring the night, free condoms and free pregnancy tests are also available in the flat. If you’d prefer, Nightline will also post these to you via internal mail – all you need to do is phone or email with a name and college. The name you give doesn’t even have to be real!

Myth Three: Nobody actually uses Nightline. Busted: Vision has discovered that every year Nightline volunteers devote around 8,000 hours to running the service. Last year, over 1,250 students used the service, and Nightline gave out more pregnancy tests and condoms than YUSU Welfare!

Myth Two: Nightline offers the best advice on campus. Busted: Although Nightline can give you information if you ask for it, volunteers don’t offer advice. Instead, Nightline offers callers the space to talk things through with someone impartial - anonymously and confidentially. We discovered that the organization is established on the basis of three

Myth Four: The Nightline flat closes at midnight. Busted: No it doesn’t! The Public Faces tell us that if you want to visit after midnight you just have to ring the bell and the volunteers on duty will let you in. The only time the service is not available is when it is being used by someone else. Nightline say this is because volunteers only take one call at

central principles: Nightline is non-directive, non-assumptive and non-judgemental. Nightline will never tell you what to do, nor will they pass judgement on anything you say. They also assure 100% confidentiality – volunteers will never discuss your call with anyone.

If this has whetted your appetite to become involved in one of the lesser known but most rewarding organisations on campus, send an email with your name, email address and expected year of graduation to nightline@york.ac.uk On the eve of its thirtyfifth birthday, the Public Faces are understandably proud of the organisation and all the good work that they do. In combating the myths and spreading awareness, they hope more students will get involved and use the services Nightline offer. After thirty-five years and still going strong, it seems that Nightline will be there for York students for many more years to come. Nightline Confidential Listening and Information Service For Students, by Students Open 8pm - 8am every night of term. Call us on (43)3735 Email us at nightmail@york.ac.uk Visit our flat in Goodricke D Block Calls are usually taken by two volunteers. www.york.ac.uk/student/nightline Enquiries/Requests to Train: nightline@york.ac.uk

P18 Dici ng with Death?

P19

Learn to FLIRT!

P20

The e it Wh ck... r's o Sm ummeo the S er t w ans LBD?

P24

AND... Seduced...by GASTRO PORN

18 LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION

THE BETS ARE IN

Thursday June 7, 2007

With online gambling debt spiralling out of control Sian Rowe dices with her sanity in an attempt to get addicted...

Tucked away at the bottom of the site, William Hill provide this guide to safe gamblin g.... William Hill want you to enjo y your online gambling experience with William Hill and advise you to follow these guidelines: •Please try and establish limi and even losses before you com ts for purchasing, wagering mence gambling •Gambling is not advised if it interferes with your daily responsibilities. •Gambling is not advised if you are in recovery for any dependency or are under the influence of alcohol or any other substance. •Gambling is not advised if your primary aim is to recoup your debt with your winnings. If you would like further advi ble gambling, then contact one ce or •help with responsiof the organisations whose details are provided below: GamCare : UK Based Helpline :††0845 600 0133 International Helpline :††00 800 33 Or through their website at www 66 99 66 .gamcare.org.uk Gambling Ther

apy : Get help through their website at www .gamblingtherapy.org

he was seven. Now up to his eyes in debt his closing words ‘I want out’ hit hard. Others, including a 22 year old who confesses stealing from his grandparents shows that it’s not only the gambler’s on lives that are affected. While my gambling hasn’t

Photo by Alex Papushoy welcomes all with lots of Internet air kissing while ‘CM Josh’ wishes us ‘Roomies’ the best of luck. That’s the only frivolous bit. With 178 players and a jackpot of £103.57 it’s serious stuff. By looking at Gamblers Anonymous the impact of this predominately female style of gambling is plain to see. The site is littered with testimonies from women who began with bingo and moved onto bigger money games. The frivolity of the online bingo community has in some cases become 7 maxed out credit cards, 5 loans and a mortgage. Online gambling sites have now

Crush Crazy Crushes’ were once considered to be the lone territory of the teenage girl. But now it would seem, the ‘crush’ has traversed from the boundaries of age and sensibility and manifested itself as a ‘love addiction’ that preys on all ages. Instead of dreaming about dating someone you believe they’re cheating you out of a relationship. The symptoms for love addiction are obsessive thinking about an individual, spying on an individual or even stalking them, and being unable to imagine a future without the individual. Numerous internet sites are springing up across the web that offer support and advice upon combating ‘crush[es] gone crazy’.But not too worry help is at hand for the non-religious addicts also, the BBC website suggests controlling your feelings through‘conversation’. So punch bags are off the table then?

introduced games sections to liven up the gambler’s day. Far from the complex fascias of the poker tournament is an effortless Aussie coin toss. It’s betting on, erm, the flip of a coin. It’s a condensed energy rush and the thing I’m most hooked on. Luckily I make my money back. Many don’t. It’s certainly affecting the student population. A First Year York student was recently forced to leave the University after gambling away his loan while Gamblers Anonymous has far more shocking testimonies. ‘Bad Luck Kid’ (19) has been gambling since

A First Year York student was recently forced to leave the University after gambling away his loan

litzy, Glamorous, and Gripping. This is everything that online gambling is not. While Las Vegas might have a seedy yet exciting allure, sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end seems mind numbingly awful. So why is online gambling so appealing? Since launching in 1997 the gambling giants .888 have had 25 million users, and GamCare sources suggest that there are now 1700 different gambling sites online. That’s a lot of antisocial habits. With more forms of gambling available than ever before, and with the government considering the introduction of super casinos to the U.K, Vision investigates in the best way they know how. By giving it a go. After browsing around a couple of sites, and feeling a bit overwhelmed by the button jungle 888. com I head over to William Hill. It’s no less confusing. Their 292,000 current active users must be button savvy. After struggling through the registration process; providing email, secure passwords and, worryingly, bank details, I’m released into the gambling wild. It is great for 30 seconds. Then I lock my account by forgetting the password. Forget addictive, for now online gambling is stressful. After ringing the helpline I’m finally reconnected to the account. I decide to start small. The online retailer has something to suit all sized gambling whims. The slot machines are garish but an instant fix. Themes range from the ridiculous (Top Of The Slots) to the ‘Holy Grail of Games’. After receiving a beating from ‘Viva Las Vegas’ I decide to try my so far poor luck at a shuffling game. It’s all about playing your cards right. I take away the princely sum of £1.50 before the Internet stops working. Left with a £1 loss I’m determined to win back every penny. It’s a feeling that is a bit worrying. When checking out gambling therapy forums – www. gamblingtherapy.org - its one of the stories that keeps reappearing. ‘Galaxy41’, sums the problem up; ‘if you’re not winning, you’re losing, and betting more to win back losses, and eventually lose. THERE IS NO WAY AROUND THIS.’ Still not quite brave enough for the poker room, I decide to join in with some online bingo. ‘CM Heidi’

really bothered my housemates, it’s a bit embarrassing being caught playing online bingo on a Thursday

afternoon. After attempting a few rounds of poker - and earning the title of most cautiously dull player ever - I decide to reflect on the level of my own ‘addiction’. Despite not intending to, I’ve been spending a fair bit of time shuffling imaginary cards and flipping coins. Yet, after taking the ‘Are you a Compulsive Gambler Quiz’ I’m sure I’m not obsessed. Just in case I decide to ring the GA Helpline to see how addiction is dealt with. Staffed by ex-gamblers, it’s sensitive and friendly. Yet I’m duped when I’m asked about my addiction ‘story’. It strikes me just how deep the problem of gambling addiction is. While most gambling is kept at a ‘bit of fun’ level ensuring it stays that way is taxing for many. Yet, with my gambling experience over it’s almost a relief not to be checking out for new games, finding opportune moments in the bingo hall or scouting out a poker tournament where I won’t get torn apart. After all the stress however, I still don’t delete my account….

ARE YOU ADDICTED? Cocaine Cola Balmy Army

Sarah Stretton discovers the strange world of student addictions...

Lip Balm is yet another product in an ever-growing list that needs to come with a health warning. For many users, the application of lip balm has become a desperate addiction. Testament to this fact is sprawled across the homepage for Lip Balm Anonymous (LBA). These pages are an acknowledgment of a desperate cry for advice for the excessive lip balm wearer. Some of the questions brought in front of the experienced lip-balm abuser agony aunts are decidedly ominous. The most worrying of queries ask “Has anyone ever overdosed on lip balm?” and “Am I losing it?? I have about 15 kinds in my purse and I love to look at them and touch them and unscrew them any time of the day (!!!!)” If you think that lip balm is your nemesis check out LBA’s online addicts’ bible at www.kevdo.com/lipbalm

Diet cola may not be 'weird', but surely the consumption of over 6 litres a day by a single person is? Many an addict has risen to the giddy heights of such prodigious consumption. The student website campusnut.com has a number of messag board topics that bear witness to the perils of these diet drinks. But what could be wrong with a yummy sugar free cooling beverage?! In each diet cola drink there is an addictive caffeine quantity, yet this is not the primary reason for its addictive nature. The chemical breakdown of the artificial sweeteners causes speed like chemicals to be released through the bloodstream forming a dependency on it. One addict on the site claimed that “diet soda is more addictive than crack cocaine”. So there you have it, diet -soda is now on a parallel with a Class A drug. Gulp.

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE

SUPERFLIRT

Thursday June 7, 2007

Katie Jacobs and Lucy Taylor unleash their inner sex goddesses and learn how to expterly flirt at York's newest masterclass such an unfortunate name, or you can hold your head up high – and start a sex shop. Luckily for women (and men) everywhere, Julia Gash chose the latter and now has three “lingerie

ADVERT

Some 3 months have passed since 3d hair and beauty provided their hair services on the friday night at york uni’s fashion show. in the ad above is one of the students, whose hair design was created that evening. As a thank you, we would like to give one lucky winer 50% off any colour treatment, if they are the first person to ring up and name the girl in the ad. the second person will get 40% off and the next 20 callers will get 30% off. good luck! 3d hair and beauty: 15-19 the shambles 01904 623166

maintains eye contact with others for 2-3 seconds in general life; and the minute you cross over into 4, the fun begins. Seriously, try it. We

As every super flirt knows, it is now officially cool to be a tart. Oh yes.

and lovestuff ” shops in the North East, the most recent opened in York a couple of months ago. As well as underwear and a random selection of “unusual” sex toys, the store offers workshops for women in fulfilling their sexuality. We went to check it out – all in the name of Vision, of course. Within minutes of arriving, we were handed a glass of rosé wine, always a good start, and good for lowering the inhibitions, especially helpful considering we would soon be striding round the room in full view of the street. The “Superflirt” workshop started with an open discussion with the other six women there and the now-legendary Julia Gash herself about reclaiming and subverting the often derogatory terms applied to overly flirtatious women. It’s officially cool to be a tart. Once we’d established that open sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, it was time to move on to the flirting itself. As every superflirt knows, the eyes have it, and eye contact was the first technique on the agenda. The average person

f you are a woman with the surname Gash, generally speaking you have two options. You can hide in your room for the rest of your life while people bully you for having

did. The way you breathe, too, is crucial to the way you hold yourself and the taller you stand, the more attractive and confident you seem. Julia made us try a meditation technique to maintain composure – none too easy after a couple of

glasses of wine and no dinner. The most hilarious part of the class came when we were asked to stand up and strut round the room, yes strut, using our newfound sexy walks. To master this, you have to stand tall, swing your legs from the hips and wiggle the hips in a figure of eight, all the while concentrating on your status as the sexiest creature ever to grace the planet. And as you leave a room, always have a quick look behind you; you never know who’s watching. Julia told us that in two years we were the best set of sexual walkers she’d ever seen. Oh yes, boys, oh yes. But our egos came crashing to earth when we noticed the horror on the face of an old man walking past the shop who had the misfortune to glance in. We left the shop 3 hours after arriving, a little drunker, our wallets a little lighter, and our confidence through the roof, ready to unleash our inner sex goddesses on the unsuspecting young men of York. You’d better watch out.

Society Stunner Name: Harriet Edmonds Society: Boat Club College: GoodriCke Could your Society Stunner sizzle in Vision? Or is your entire society just chock-full of hotties? Share your fitness with the world!

Send any photos to lifestyle@vision.york.

20 LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION

>STY E

CHIC ON THE CHEAP

Picture courtesy of ntscmp.com

Thursday 7 June 2007

Kate Reeves and Katie Jackson ponder fashion on a budget

his summer the humble white smock dress makes yet another appearance. Presenting itself as our friendly, ever-versatile wardrobe staple, it is undoubtedly this year’s answer to the LBD. This little number covers a multitude of sins whilst flaunting that golden tan (albeit one acquired solely through continued use of

Johnson’s Holiday Skin body lotion), adding crisp, breezy freshness to the long, heady, summer days. The autumn/winter collections last year saw hemlines rising once again to those outlandishly short cuts of the swinging 60’s, but the modish, structured shapes focused the attention more on fabric and embellishment. Unlike the Mary

Quant and Phoebe Philo originals, the smock has now undergone a liberating transformation for the summer season, appropriating ruched chiffon hemlines, button detailing and beadwork to introduce a girly, romantic vibe. The white smock was paraded across the catwalks at the spring/ summer '07 collections at Chloé

and Fleur Wood (see below), showcasing dresses relegated, due to our measly student budget, to the realm of day dreams. Inspired by this, we bring you the high street’s equivalent (or as close as they can get). Go forth and purchase…

French Connection bead tunic £90 Zara ruffle front smock £29

Photographs courtesy of vogue.co.uk

H&M button front smock £24.99

Miss Selfridge smock £25 Primark smock £7

Katie Jackson contemplates the changing silhouette of contemporary fashion necessary to flaunt those bits to achieve that hourglass figure, and although the mini is still going strong, the puffball volume seen at Chloé and the bold prints at Pucci and Missoni are wholly representative of a modern-day freedom of expression.

...despite our best efforts, we are subscribing to the mentality of the 'as seen on...' brand... It

Concurrent with our contemporary assertions of individuality however, we seem to be embracing a new prêt-à-porter fashion culture as we wave haute couture goodbye. We celebrate ‘as voted for by you’ style icons and trendsetters like Cate Blanchett, Sienna Miller and Kate Moss precisely because we admire their unique designer pieces and vintage finds, yet we simultaneously rush out to Selfridges to see how quickly we can find something similar for ourselves. In November 2004, the inimitable Karl Lagerfeld’s one-off autumn collection for Swedish retailer H&M brought a slice of affordable high fashion ‘to the masses’, and his nominal col-

laboration with the world of mass production was quickly followed by both Stella McCartney and Madonna. Moss herself has designed one of the most eagerly anticipated collections of the year for high street giant Topshop, but by her own admission “I can’t sketch. And I can’t make clothes… [but] I think they kind of copy me sometimes.”

In keeping with the summer theme, we give you what's hot and what's not in fashion this season... First up is the wedge, a must have for any fashionista this year. Get your hands on this beauty for just £69.99 Don’t worry, we’ve not forgotten about you men, Jack Wills has some great polo shirts in this season and really gets to grips with horizontal stripes in thicker and bolder colours. get this one before it goes for £44

2007's surprise summer hit, the 'maxi' underdog has been huge on the high street. But be warned, these patterned fabric expanses are only for the lithe of limb. Topshop £30.

Oasis smock £40

Liberté, égalité...! iving as we do in a decidedly post-feminist Britain, that innate desire to seek out and establish our own identity still informs and drives the fashion world today. With the rise of one-off vintage chic in the last decade, where walking down Regent Street dressed in something dimly resembling Pat Butcher’s shoulder pads is “just fabulous darling”, today’s women are keenly embracing their own self-sufficient independence. The Noughties yield a new sense of freedom for the style-conscious fashionista as they bring new meaning to the phrase ‘anything goes’; despite this season’s monochrome revival for instance, it is still ok to team black and white with (shock horror) grey and/or navy, as long as your colour palette is sufficiently eclectic. Furthermore, the catwalk’s spring/summer penchant for both the smock dress and the softly sculpted shift provides hard evidence of the fluidity and versatility of the contemporary female silhouette. No longer is it

IN THE SPOTLIGHT...

would seem that despite our best efforts, we are subscribing to the mentality of the ‘as seen on…’ brand, and subsequently relinquishing our own sense of stylistic autonomy. As we abandon the concept of the inconsistent and carefree shape of the summer by

continuing to emulate global icons, the catwalk’s autumn/winter collections have followed suit. The restrictively cinched in waists at Bottega Veneta and Donna Karan visually tightened and sharpened the silhouette, prompting a swift recovery of the high-waisted trend; whilst Miuccia Prada balanced any volume she introduced into her collection with knee high socks, seemingly cutting the leg off into sections, just as Marc Jacobs did with his sky high ankle boots at Louis Vuitton. The chiffon, colour and crumpled silk of the summer so timelessly representative of the openly expressive woman has all but disappeared, as even the round-toed wedge is replaced by a pointed, masculine heel. As the line between high fashion and high street remains blurred with their continuing integration, it becomes difficult to ascertain what truly makes for an original trend. The angular lines and shapes that pervaded the autumn/ winter collections on the catwalk seem to be a reaction to the realisation that actually, we are not nearly as expressively free as we think we are.

Men’s skinny jeans are difficult to pull off at the best of times, but now it’s summer, there really is no excuse. go and buy yourself some colourful boardies or wideleg jeans that at least allow for air flow boys! Alas, the time is nigh to bid our favourite Uggs adieu. Our ever-faithful, wardrobe staple just isn't cricket in the world of high fashion as the thermometer creeps up. We will miss you!

There really isn’t much to say here is there. Speedoes are never good. ever. (unless you’re an Olympic swimmer...maybe) keep them well and truly hidden away at the back of your wardrobe, in the dark until the end of time please.

in the dark...

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE

Thursday June 7 2007

>TRA

HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE

Fintan Nagle and Elena Gorianova battled cockroaches, radioactive truckers, and smelling funny on the RAG Hitch to Morocco. Here's why you should too.

I N A T N I F

’ m not

sure exactly why we decided to hitch to Morocco. As far as I remember, we were sitting in Evil Eye one rather boring March afternoon, doing what it is that one usually does in Evil Eye, and the next morning me and my hitch partner awoke with slight headaches and the firm conviction that we were going to Tangiers. The headaches disappeared rather quickly, but we never did get to Tangiers... One of the first places we reached, having cheated terribly by being driven from York to Manchester by my hitch partner’s mum, was one of those wet, nameless motorway truck stops which somehow permanently contrive to look as though they have been rained on in the past five minutes. I think it was on the M6. I’m sure the M6 entered into the equation somewhere, although I do confess to spending most of my time having absolutely no clue which road we were on; our total efforts towards cartography consisted of a small map of the whole of Europe and a small map of Morocco, which we lost embarrassingly somewhere in Spain. Anyway, we were rescued quite soon by a strange and terrible Glaswegian trucker who, upon learning that I had been to Edinburgh and not Glasgow, looked capable of doing a handbrake turn on the hard shoulder and booting me out the door. We gave him chocolates, though, which appeased him. We escaped at Manchester, and thus began our adventures: a long series of fascinating, interesting smelling and sometimes just rather

F A N E EL

eels like my first day in school. We got to Lymm (near Manchester) service station about 12.45pm, my dad encouraging us with the words “I don’t envy you”. There was a massive truck park there, at least 100 truckers. We decided to ask them all, but it turned out Mondays were bad days for going South. So we gave up after a while and just went to stand on a roundabout, frantically waving at passing drivers. We even tried synchronised waving. It earned us a few smiles. And just as all hope was about to leave, a trucker picked us up. A great guy, called Robert, he drove us all the way to Birmingham. So we got our first hitch in less than 40mins - not a bad start! We got lucky a few more times that day and ended up in a service station somewhere on the M40 . The place was open 24/7 so we decided to spend the night there. Anyway, we were approached by a random guy and offered a lift all the way to Portsmouth - brilliant! We’d make it all the way

weird characters, into whose cars we were to leap, dragging behind us a rickety assortment of gear. A few words must be said on the subject of gear. We started off with about five times as much equipment as we (or the Yorkshire Regiment) would ever need to survive, including such sundries as seven litres of water in 500ml bottles, the complete short stories of Arthur C Clarke, and twenty- I kid you not- king size sausage rolls. The bottles of water disappeared stealthily at intervals, the sausage rolls were dumped just south of Birmingham, and the Clarke survived intact- though not a word of it was read during the drip, and it still smells rather strange. I was blessed with the ownership of a large, green US Army Alice bag, sold to me by an ancient Yorkshireman with the reassuring assurance that it was exactly the same model used in Nam; after a few weeks I was convinced that it had actually been to Nam, was suffering from trauma, and wanted to kill me. After nearly having been refused entry to the country for trying to kill an immigration officer with American equipment, we eventually made it to Morocco, arriving at the northern port of Nador on a searingly hot and humid afternoon. The first things we encountered on leaving the terminal were the famous hustlers. We had been warned about these by the Holy Guide Book, and instructed to ignore their offers of cheap hotels, taxis, and interesting smelling intoxicating substances. We escaped on the first bus out of town, which a small, innocentlooking boy located for us for the sum of six and a quarter pence. It looked about forty years old, smelt Victorian, was covered in tartan wall hangings and beads which oc-

cluded enough of the windscreen to make a DVLA man weep, and was full of interesting characters trying to sell us fake documents. As we left the port the sun was going down, and the weather was being Moroccan and trying to rain

and be sunny at the same time. Nador looks like it is slowly reverting to desert, and the vaguely hilly ground for miles around is covered with withered scrub, dust, and hundreds on hundreds of plastic bags and card-

board debris which have blown inland from the shanty towns on the outskirts of the port. And so we began a fascinating trip into the heart of Morocco which would leave us rather poorer, acquainted with quite a few dodgy hotel own-

to our first destination in one day. So, we all got into the car. The guy turned out to be some kind of antiques dealer who’d just picked up the car from an eBay seller and was trying to pick up more items from other sellers all around Portsmouth. It was all a bit fishy. He dropped us off in Eashing, near Guildford. Turned out there were no B&Bs in the area and the night was pretty cold! So we had to camp. The next day, we found a woman to give us a lift all the way to Portsmouth. It turned out her drink was spiked the previous week and she woke up on a motorway in the middle of nowhere in the night and no one would give her a lift because they didn’t want to get into trouble themselves. Anyway, we got to Portsmouth and went into the first pub to get some food. And there they were - two other Moroccan hitch groups, from Leeds and Warwick. We’d see hitch hikers all over the place as the journey would progress. After all, there were 1000 of us travelling this year. The ferry took us into Le Havre a port used by truckers going to Italy. But all of us needed to go to Spain, so

no one got picked up straight off the ferry. We walked out of the port and found the junction onto the motorway. We did get picked up eventually though, by a van. He also had 3 other Morocco groups in his van, most of us in the back with a worrying radioactive sign on one of the walls… he dropped us off at the Le Havre tall bridge. This was our lowest ebb. We even came across the same group that had stolen our lift a couple hours ago. And they did it again! Later on we’d share the same hotel in Marrakech… oh the irony! We reached Le Mans the next night. We got picked up by a very nice guy. He spent 45mins driving around the city trying to find the train station. We got there in the end but it was absolutely freezing and we couldn’t sleep there anyway because we didn’t have tickets. So we found a cheap hotel right outside the station -Very clean, with its own bathroom and only one cockroach. The next day we got picked up by a German trucker who spoke no English, Spanish or French! I have no idea how we managed to ask for directions. He drove us 50 kilometres and dropped us off in the

middle of some forest about 20km away from the nearest motorway. The day after, though, we scored, big time! We talked a trucker called Abdul into driving us halfway across Spain - 488 kilometres to Valencia! His boss didn’t like motorways so we had to go along the smaller roads. They were beautiful, there were orange groves all everywhere, flowers of all different colours blinking past our windows.

We stopped in Valencia in a place where all the trucks unload - a massive area full of warehouses. We were carrying 24 tonnes of potatoes. Abdul then drove us out of town to a train station. From there we caught an overnight coach to Almeria, and from there a ferry across the Mediterranean to the north coast of Morocco. And found ourselves the next morning standing, exhausted in Africa.

Fintan's flagging - and it's only an hour after setting off.

NEXT TIME... The smelly pair in Morocco

‘Sunny sunny Blackpool’ is perhaps

L POO

CK BLA

Summer Loving

not one of the classiest places to go on your summer hols but nevertheless it still offers plenty of fun! The ‘Pleasure Beach’ theme park is one of the largest free tourist attractions in Britain making it top of the to do list for any budding Blackpooler. If the weather is sunny then the beach is always a must. What with the donkey rides, thrashing waves and buzzing north, south and central piers it offers entertainment for all. Blackpool Tower, indoor markets, tram rides and night life amongst many other things are always good but perhaps the most neglected yet intriguing attraction is the rock man situated on the sea front near the south end.

In the heat of the summer, lounging outside whilst slowing savouring a cooling cocktail must be one of the most decadent ways to relax. Shaken or stirred, forzen or frothed, there is a style to suit everyone. And with the abundance of fresh fruit and ice cream flavours available, there is plenty to experiment with. Here's a selection of our favourite summer coctails, a mix of classics, exotic, and there's even one we've concocted ourselves!

Although it doesn't feel it, judging by the state of the weather, it is in fact fast approaching that blissful time of year again which sees hem lines go higher, when every hour becomes 'Pimms-o'clock', and where every inch of green and gold is flooded with picnic hampers, sun-worshippers and flying frisbees...oh summer! (albeit a British one) So, in celebration and high optimism for the coming few months of sea, sun, and fun, the lifestyle team have pulled together to provide you with their choice picks of nearby sunspots, yummy cocktails to sip on whilst watching the cricket, and all the while looking fabulous...how very quintessentially summer.

Fiona and Lydia on a cocktail picnic

MAI TAI: SANGRIA: 1 orange, sliced thin 1 lemon, sliced thin 2 tablespoons superfine granulated sugar, or to taste 1 bottle chilled dry red wine 1/2 cup cognac 1/4 cup orange liqueur, such as Grand Marnier or Cointreau 2 tablespoons orange juice 1 cup chilled club soda Ice cubes In a bowl, muddle the orange and lemon slices with the sugar with a wooden spoon. Add the red wine, cognac, orange liqueur, and orange juice. Stir until sugar is dissolved. Transfer to a punch bowl, chill until ready to serve and then stir in the soda and add ice cubes.

4 ounces light rum 2 ounces Triple Sec 8 ounces passion fruit juice Ice cubes 2 ounces dark rum Lime wedge Mix first 3 ingredients together in a cocktail shaker. Place ice in glasses. Divide mix among glasses and float 1 tablespoon of dark rum over each glass. Garnish with lime wedge.

STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRI: 6 cups ice 1/2 cup white sugar 4 ounces frozen strawberries 1/8 cup lime juice 1/2 cup lemon juice 3/4 cup rum 1/4 cup lemon-lime flavored carbonated beverage In a blender, combine ice, sugar and strawberries. Pour in lime juice, lemon juice, rum and lemon-lime soda. Blend until smooth. Pour into glasses and serve.

CHOCOLATE MARTINI: 4 fl.ozs chocolate liqueur 3 fl.ozs vodka 1 oz semisweet chocolate, grated Combine chocolate liqueur and vodka in a cocktail mixer full of ice. Shake vigorously and strain into two chilled martini glasses. Decorate with chocolate shavings.

VISION SUMMER COCKTAIL: PINA COLADA: 1 1/2 cup ice 1/2 cup diced pineapple, frozen 2 ounces pineapple juice 2 ounces Coco Lopez coconut cream 1 1/2 ounces white rum 1 ounce dark rum Pineapple slices Put the ice, frozen pineapple, juice, coconut cream, and the white and dark rums into a blender. Blend until smooth and frosty. Pour the drink into 2 glasses and garnish the rim with pineapple slices.

4 fl.ozs Vodka 1 cupIce cubes 1/2 cupStrawberries (handful) Iced Cream Soda 3 fl.ozs Orange Juice 1/4 cup Nectarines (segments) Combine Vodka, Ice, Strawberries, Orange Juice and Nectarine Segments in a Cocktail shaker and SHAKE! Pour into a glass and top up with Ben Shaws Cream Soda, et voila!

WHITBY

Have yo u as a Nor ever had masc Whitby th Sea fisher ma uline fantasies p force win ier will banish n? Ten minutes about working grey sea d drives the br such thoughts on the end of fo certainlyis the meanest eath back into y r good. The g a is like s has a unique mistress of the our lungs and thle w o m houses o mething out of eathered char all. However, e m it atop the n cracked, win ‘Treasure Islan . The town its e d taver ns cliffs around th ing streets sitti d’; crooked, gothlf and sea aplenty and the e bay. There are ng precariously ic fo one hun od. Whitby Ab air is a heady p old fashioned the towndred and ninetybey (or what’s leotion of saltwa te is also a and the Capta nine easy upw ft of it) is only r in a hard wo good place to v Cook museum rd steps from is fashion rk, there’s alwa it. If that soun on Grape Lan e e y fisherie d penny arcade s the harbour. ds too much lik s website (that’s what it s and some of thBordered by olde says on anyway ). the Whit is island’s fine st by touris t board

WALBE R

SWICK

Situated on the Suffolk coastline the long sandy beach, Walberswick boasts views to the south of Sizewell B power station (more attractive than you think) and to the north Southwold lighthouse. The sea is cold, but shallow for a long way out, making it friendly for rubbish swimmers like me. The village itself is quaint, the only problem being the Londoners who visit in there massive cars and still driving as if it is London. The draw of Walberswick is that it still retains a strong community spirit which can often be lost in Suffolk where second homes are often bought. But big names such as Richard Curtis and Jasper Conran do call it home and you can see why. The quaintness is upheld by the annual British Open Crabbing Championships which means that you too can catch crabs in Walberswick as the free t-shirt on entry says!

By the time we get round to buying that first bottle of sunscreen the spring/ summer catwalk collections have filtered down to the high street just in time for the sun to come out, but in a vain attempt to hurry the process this year, we have scoured the high street for the best they have to offer. Following on from this year’s dress frenzy, and showcasing the season’s penchant for colourful brights, Primark’s yellow babydoll is perfect with metallic strappy sandals, but take care to avoid looking like an angry bumble bee. Zara’s collection of gorgeously cut summer dresses is also well worth a look this year, and this empire line cotton beauty is simply sumptuous with a cropped jacket and wedges. If you haven’t already found your perfect holiday bikini, look no further than Kylie Minogue’s swimwear collection for H&M; fifteen ST A different pieces at competitive prices make her O C AND Australian themed designs a must for any L R BE M savvy fashionista. Wear with a straw hat U TH NOR (the bigger the better) for ultimate laidback summer chic, and don’t forget those oversized sunglasses to Armed only with a £20 tent and a barbeque, we travcomplete your look. elled north in the midst of Britain’s tropical heat wave.

Jilly Gold Sandals - £20 Faith Ring Chain Balck Sandals - £15 asos.com Sunﬂower Top - £22 Topshop Straw Bag - £5 Primark Blue Scarf - vintage Owl Pendant - £15 Miss Selfridge Stripe Bikini Top - £3.99 H&M Denim Shorts - £10 Primark Leopard Print Dress - £35 Lipsy Lace Trim Cotton Blue Tunic£15 asos.com

The Northumbrian coast was our destination; a region infamous for its harsh, unforgiving climate and susceptibility to chilling south-easterly winds. Do away with your misconceptions! Miles of unspoilt coastline await, with north sea waters warmed by tropical sun, glaring through the o-zone layer. You’ll find yourself a pristine beach if you make a turn off the coastal road. Sand dunes provide ample shade for those with lighter complexions, and make for very good tent-sites. Just sit in the sun until it goes down and pitch up. You could make a day trip to a nearby town the next day. Bamburgh, Seahouses and Amble are full of B&Bs and tea rooms, but they still make for an interesting excursion. The castle at Bamburgh is a popular crowd puller, as is Farne Island, a short boat ride away from Seahouses, supposedly home to 90% of the world’s puffins!

Lauren wears yellow dress£7 Primark; wooden bangle vintage; other jewellery model’s own Sarah wears print dress£34.99 Zara

Lauren

Katie wearsbikini top £9.99, bottoms £7.99 Love Kylie at H&M; straw hat £5.99 H&M; gold bangles £4.99 H&M Matt wearswhite T-shirt £15 Topshop; checked black and white shirt £22 Topshop; Jeans Vintage Expressions; Belt Vintage; Havaianas £16 Office; Glasses

Matt

Sarah Photos by Alex Papushoy Directed by Charlotte Chung and Doran O'Reilly

Katie

24 LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION

D&DRINK

Thursday June 7, 2007

GASTROPORN!

Are you a victim of gastroporn? Fiona Scott explores the gastronomic fetish you didn't know you had...

Our three Michelin Stars go to... MONKEYPICKED TEA

•

• SWEET VICTORY!

Mars UK have given into pressure and finally decided to make their chocolate vegetarian ‘in the near future’. Whoever thought meaty chocolate was a good idea in the first place? Tsk. • EL PIANO

'Through the Window' - Wraps, Soups and Bamboo Boats available all day to take away. Cheap, healthy and so, so good.

... and the greasy spoon cafe award for... • CAT POO COFFEE

Kopi Luwak Coffee, made from coffee beans excreted by civet cats. If you want to try some, it’s also available at www.edible. com at the special reduced price of £16/ 57g whilst stocks last. • PACKAGED FRESH SOUPS

Contains on average more salt per serving than three packets of crisps? Make your own!

Pot Noodle, the backstreet whore to Nigella’s highclass hooker

If you prefer your tea to be carefully picked by specially trained monkeys in a remote mountain region of China, you can fuel your fetish online at www.edible. com , only £9.95/ 57g.

plain old eating is becoming terribly passé. The food industry has made this ingenious connection: if food is sexy, it’s OK. A chocolate diet is not the secret of the svelte, nymphet figures favoured by today’s fashionindustry, but, looking at the

the Vision Hot list

igella get your juices flowing? Jamie make your mouth water? Then you may be a victim of gastroporn, my friend. What is gastroporn, I hear you say? Let me explain. Whilst innocently catching up on Desperate Housewives the other night, I was propositioned by a forthright young lady offering me her ‘succulent British strawberries’, ‘plump blueberries’ and ‘juicy cherries’. Her dulcet tones. The ‘come-to-bed’ sentiment. I couldn’t say no. Marks and Spencers were selling fruitshaped sex. And I WANTED it. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re not sure whether you want to buy food or make love to it, you are most likely being targeted by gastroporn.. Gastroporn, n. the use of suggestive images or words to sell food. ‘Juicy’, ‘tantalizing’, ‘succulent’, ‘mouthwatering’, ‘melt-in-the-mouth’: if a menu, recipe or advert contains one or more of these words, it is a sure-fire sign of targeted gastropornography. Much like sex itself, food represents a basic, primal need. Both are pleasurable, yet traditionally associated with gluttony and immorality. While public sexual display (and, indeed, deviance) is increasingly accepted and celebrated by our Sex-And-The-City culture,

kind of women portrayed in chocolate ads, you would be forgiven for thinking so. Take the women emitting orgasmic signs of approval in Nestle’s Aero advert - not only are these women stunning city profes-

Far-Flung Food

sionals, they are also in touch with their sexuality. As one woman informs her colleague, ‘That’s not right, you don’t bite it – put it on your tongue and let it melt,’ she is met with the climactic response - ‘That’s phenomenal!’ I watch an episode of Nigella Feasts, the R-rated ‘romance’ of gastropornography. I am drawn into the soft-focus world of Nigella as she confides ‘I can’t tell you how much I love Brownies, there’s just something about them’. Like the older, wiser schoolgirl in a naughty late-night dormitory chinwag, she reveals the secrets of her success; ‘coax the batter gently’, ‘it’s a twohanded job for me, I’m afraid’. Fascinated, I take note – I must be careful to remove my brownies from the oven as they reach their absolute climax, when the ‘underneath is deep, dark, gooey, just waiting to be bitten into’. As they come out of the oven, the slow moviesoundtrack music kicks in. We then watch Nigella decadently slides a chunk of brownie into her wide, open mouth with a saucy aside to the camera, ‘nobody’s going to miss one, are they?’ Am I watching because I intend to make the brownies? Probably not. But, like porn itself, this brownievoyeurism is easy, idealised. The ingredients are tangible, paraded across the screen for my personal

pleasure. Making my mouth water, they provoke a physical reaction in my body without the messiness and washing-up afterwards. Perhaps most fascinating, however, is the emergence of X-rated ‘second-wave’ gastropornography, the industry’s clever backlash against the female, middle-class monopoly on foodie porn. Pot Noodle, the backstreet whore to Nigella’s high-class hooker, pulls its punters in with the headline; ‘it’s dirty and you want it’. A slightly nervous husband visits three provocatively-clad women before finding one who is willing to grant him the required ‘Pot Noodle’, ‘round the back in two minutes’. Charlotte Church is selling crisps in the guise of a full-bosomed strumpet - ‘Sensations? I’m experiencing new ones all the time’. With the arrival of such parodies, are we about to see the end of gastroporn’s hold on our hearts and minds? Who knows. But if you’ll excuse me, I have some succulent British strawberries to attend to...

Vision’s Food & Drink team, Lydia Mills and Fiona Scott embark on a kitchen mission with a foreign flavour...

t’s likely that most of you will have tried a little foreign cuisine, but what comes immediately to mind when you think of international food? Perhaps that takeaway chow mein you had at 2am after returning from Toffs with the munchies? The classier ones amongst you may have frequented the delectable Buzz Bar on Swinegate, colourful Bobo Lobo on Stonegate or the authentic L’antica Locanda in the Shambles. But for those on a tight student budget, is it really possible to create anything

more exotic than a spag bol or a stir-fry? Your Vision foodies set out on a mission to expand their culinary repertoires with a few dishes from around the world... First up, Fiona got as close as she could to Japan with a trip to EverNew Oriental Supermarket on Bridge Street. With three rooms of products covering Japanese, Chinese and Korean cuisine, it was vastly inspiring and unexpectedly cheapfor a specialist stockist. For around £12, she was able to purchase everything needed to make vegetarian sushi for her friends thrice over. Making the sushi required patience, but crafting the

exquisite little rolls was pretty satisfying. Samplers were surprised by the authenticity and deliciousness of the end result! Tasty, healthy and providing much-needed relief from fourth-year ‘food-apathy’, she will certainly be making sushi again. Next, Lydia had a go at ‘bigos’ from Poland – made by a friend's Polish Grandma. Traditionally made in large quantities and reheated over the week, this is great if you want a couple of nights off from cooking. Apparently, it even tastes better each day you have it! Similar to a regular stew, this dish was fairly

Vegetarian Sushi Boil 150g sushi rice in a pan, simmer for 5 mins. Take off the heat. When cool, mix in a bowl with 25g sugar and 50ml rice wine vinegar. Lay out nori (toasted seaweed) sheets on a rolling mat, and spread a little wasabi paste on each. Spread a line of rice, about 2.5cm wide, a little way from the bottom edge of the nori. Top with your chosen filling - shiitake mushrooms, cucumber batons or red pepper batons. Roll the nori sheet up tightly and chill for 30 mins. Cut into 4cm long pieces. Serve with wasabi, soy sauce and pickled ginger.

Bigos (Hunter's Stew) Heat oil in a pan and add sliced onion and 1 chopped carrot. When golden, add 400-500g mixed chopped meats (pork, beef, bacon, Polish sausage). Stir over a high heat until meat is lightly browned. Add half a cabbage, shredded, an equal quantity of sauerkraut (optional) and 4-5 potatoes, cubed, mix and pour over 6oz boiling water. Cover and simmer on a low heat for 1 hour. Mix 1 cup boiled water, 1 can tomato paste, a bay leaf, 1 tsp sugar, salt and pepper. Pour over the stew, stir, recover and simmer for another 30 mins.

Melktert Pre-heat oven to 190°C. Grease a 9 in. Deep pie dish. Mix together 3 tbsp butter, 1 cup white sugar and 3 egg yolks until fluffy. Sift in 1 cup cake flour, 1 tsp baking powder and � teaspoon salt, and stir. Mix in 1 tsp vanilla extract and 4 cups milk. In a separate bowl, whip 3 egg whites to a stiff peak, then fold into batter mixture. Pour into dish and sprinkle generously with cinnamon and sugar. Bake for 50 mins, until centre is set, but ‘jiggly’.

simple to make, although one thing she learnt was to prepare everything in advance - it’s much easier when you start cooking. Although it wasn’t the most interesting-looking dish, the finished product was warming, filling and enjoyed by all (even by a certain deputy ed. who swears she hates cabbage)! Finally, Fiona plied some South African volunteers with ‘melktert’, a traditional dessert which she was able to create this delicacy with relative ease. She had thought to compare the melktert to a custard tart, but was informed by her South African friend, Kirby, that this was demonstrative of her ‘lack of crosscultural knowledge’ and besides, melktert was ‘ way more complicated than that’. Indeed, this was infinitely better than custard tart in her estimation, and she could see a place for it in the hearts of regular tea drinkers and procrastinators York University-wide. From our brief foray into foreign food, we discovered that it’s fairly easy to add a little interest to your dinner-time by having a go at something new. Variety’s the spice of life, so why not try one of our recipes, or hound your international friends for some exciting new ideas!

the

scene

> june 2007 > issue 7

> interviews > features > reviews > listings

vincent vincent and the villains the rising stars of rock and roll show us how to party like it is 1959

WIN TICKETS TO THE O2 WIRELESS FESTIVAL

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OH BROTHER... ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BACK!

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PLAYWRIGHT ANTHONY NEILSON TALKS

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> the scene: contents

> 26

Contents spotlight on Vincent Vincent and the Villains

Watch This 27 Face:

28 John 31 Shuttleworth 33 34 J 36

music: live and album reviews. plus: win Wireless festival tickets!

film: the lack of creativity in summer cinema, plus reviews

tv: Richard Webb on the return of Big Brother.

culture: Anthony Neilson talks exclusively to The Scene

books: the Humber Mouth Literature Festival. and why are authors coming back from the dead? listings: all your going out needs: sorted

the

scene The people behind this madness.... Katie Jacobs - Editor Loulla-Mae E.S. - Music Editor Camille Augarde - Music Deputy

Andrew Latham & Sophie Wright - Film Editors

Rebecca Short - Film Deputy Editor Richard Webb - TV Editor Charlotte Bilsland & Dan Meredith Culture Editors

Hannah Wallace Culture Deputy Editor Sam Birch - Books Editor Nicola Hebden & Naomi Lever - Books Deputy Editor Post open - Listings Editor Sarah Hirst - Proof Reader

In a brand, spanking new featurette, editors and writers of The Scene predict the rising stars in music, theatre, comedy, books, film or televsion, helping you stay one step ahead of the pack, arts-wise....Just remember: you heard it here first. This issue: Andrew Latham introduces singer-cum-comedian, ohn Shuttleworth is on a mission. Clad in dark-rimmed glasses and trademark brown coat, Sheffield’s finest organist-cumsinger/songwriter is worried about the nation’s diet and seeks to educate with keyboard based cuts and hints from his wife Mary, a school dinner-lady relayed over the phone. His forthcoming four track EP includes such delights as 'Serial Cereal Eater' and 'Two Margarines', which laments the problem of having two tubs of Flora open at once, and apparently isn’t an allegorical work. Shuttleworth is also on tour, playing Manchester,Hull, Newcastle and an, ahem, homecoming gig in Sheffield in the next few weeks. The comic creation of actor Graham Fellows, beloved by Blur and

Belle and Sebastian, this long established character is an acutely observed look at attempts to gain stardom, the pressures of middle age, and dull people’s fascination with minutiae. Formerly employed as a security guard at a ‘sweet factory in the Rotherham area’, John Shuttleworth rose to public recognition through radio series /The Shuttleworths/ and an eponymous TV series, /500 Bus Stops/, the premise of which was a tour of Britain that suffered immediate setbacks after Shuttleworth, accompanied by his next-door neighbour and manager Ken Wo r t h i n g t o n , found his beloved old Y-reg Austin Ambassador broken on day one. Other elements of the series included getting stuck in Derbyshire, an environmental benefit gig in a cave and a suspected outbreak of plague. More recently, acclaimed photographer Martin Parr accompanied John on an excursion to the Shetland Isles to test the theory that people are nicer the further north you travel, which became the film 'It’s Nice UpNorth'. Introducing the film at the Cambridge Film Festival last year, Fellows didn’t believe that there was a joke being

played on the Shetlanders, though Shuttleworth is sincere to the point of embarrassment. His one gig in the film is in an old people’s home. Shuttleworth comes across as an often stoic character, yet he is beset with a lack of ability to see the bigger picture. His songs are often ones of personal experience, and normally have an anecdotal background which convey the mediocrity of his existence. The ballad 'Can’t Go Back to Savoury Now' recounts a dinnertime dilemma, in which Shuttleworth’s daughter doesn’t finish her mains, whilst he has started his treacle sponge, and doesn’t like seeing food go to waste. It lasts over four minutes. After the tour, John will doubtless return home to Mary, DIY, the colour fawn, and complaining that Bounty bars haven’t been as good since they removed the little cardboard tray. Coconut, after all, is inherently unstable. Ooof.

And now: the plug... John Shuttleworth performs at: Hull Truck: June 10th Sheffield Crucible: June 12th Manchester Dancehouse: June 16th The DVDs of ‘Nice Up North’ and 500 Bus Stops are currently available. This piece was written with a little help from the lovely people at RBM management. But they did send us a CD. Nice one.

> spotlight: vincent vincent and the villains

> 27

spotlight

this week:

Vincent Vincent and the Villains Loulla-Mae Eleftheriou-Smith digs out her comb and winklepickers in order to talk rock and roll romance and quiffs with rockabilly upstarts Vincent and Vincent and the Villains

“

Imagine kids from the fifties living in the noughties, what would they listen to now?

“

combed back like Danny Zuko wouldn’t look out of place. As we sneak through to the stage entrance to try and find somewhere quieter to do the interview, I notice that Will, Tom and Vincent Vincent are all in tight jeans with shirts tucked in and ties, with the odd trilby and some very good pairs of shoes thrown in for good measure. Tom Bailey, who plays lead guitar, and bassist Will Church inform me of their instrumental talents as well as the fact that they ‘sometimes sing harmonies’. How quaint. Tom quickly follows his comment with, “But I generally sing out of tune, so our sound engineer puts my fader down really slowly with the words ‘we’ll have less of that young man!’ but it’s ok, we all know our places” he laughs. These boys are a lot of fun, up for a chuckle and not afraid to poke fun at themselves. If you don’t know who Vincent Vincent are, what they’re about, or what they sound like, here’s how the boys describe themselves, using mock witty muso accents, naturally: “Um, ya we’re like a quiff-tastic quiff-beat combo. Imagine kids from the fifties living in the noughties, what would they listen to now?” Will continues, “We’re like a rockabilly four-person beat combo. I hate

it when people say that to us, I’m probably the one closest to having a quiff, and it doesn’t look like one, does it?” he asks, whilst shoving his head in my face. A bit too shocked at having a half quiff placed half an inch from my nose to reply, Tom answers for me, “Bollocks it is! Look at that, it’s a side parting!” No longer wanting to get involved with the discussion of hair, especially after being warned “Don’t call us quiff-tastic”, I move the conversation onto what their music is really meant to sound like. “Do you know what our music really is?” a sincere Will asks, “It’s the heritage of rock and roll, so we’re picking away at all the bits we like. Chewing at bones” he says, miming his words with picking and eating actions, giggling again. Suddenly the metaphor hits them and they can’t stop laughing: “If you’re at a pre-sixties buffet, you want a bit of everything don’t you? That’s what we’re all about. A rock and roll buffet.” How profound, boys. A pre-sixties rock and roll buffet? And they get wound about being called a quiff-tastic beat combo? At least they’re not being completely serious. I mention their instrumental track ‘End of the night’ which feels like it should be on the Pulp Fiction sound track, and sounds like the kind of music that would be played in the background to a David Lynch character driving down an empty highway late at night. Vincent Vincent tells me “That’s good”, and they all look genuinely pleased, revealing that “We all came together due to a mutual love of all things rock and roll.” Well, it certainly seems to work for them; I haven’t seen a tighter, more refreshing set in a long time. They don’t sound like anything on the market at the moment, apart from one band, that is. “The Rumble Strips?” Tom asks. “No, there’s no awkwardness there, we’re all friends. I even went skiing with a couple of them last week!” To help fill in a few gaps, here are a few helpful facts you may wish to know: The Rumble Strips are the only other band which have a similar sound to the Vincent clan, except they use trumpets and other interesting instruments. Charlie Waller, the lead

singer and a man whose face has been described as being ‘carved by angels’ (thanks – The Scene Ed) is actually from Devon, along with the rest of his band, and met Vincent and his Villains in London’s east end. Charlie was lead singer for The Rumble Strips and joint lead with Vincent Vincent for a long time, before being in two bands got too much and he chose to stick with the Strips. However, “It was a swift decision, like ‘kerpow!’ It was nearly two years ago now, and though it was difficult at the time, we’re all still great mates. Things like that get blown right out of proportion by magazines like the NME.” Quite. But there’s no denying that everyone loves a bit of gossip. “Everyone does,” Tom replies, “but the reason we’re all friends is because that’s how we started, as a bunch of friends saying, ‘Hey wait, I know you, you know me, you play that really well, I actually play this thing…lets be in a band!” And apparently it actually was that simple. Both bands are now signed to major record companies, with Vincent Vincent and the Villains having sealed the deal with EMI last October. So there you have it, a rockabilly quifftastic four-beat combo who sound like a pre-sixties buffet, all in one. Or not, as the case may be. They make music about their mutual love of all things rock and roll, and certainly do not take themselves too seriously. An admirable

“

incent Vincent and the Villains are a rockabilly four piece from east London that create songs to make you toe-tap, jig and boogie about like no-one’s business. Apart from having a tongue-twister of a name they also consist of guitar, rhythm guitar, bass and drums. And quiffs. Actually, that’s a lie, they don’t have quiffs, but with the rest of their get up, having their hair

Our music is the heritage of rock and roll, so we’re picking away at all the bits we like

trait, for a band on the indie scene these days, and ultimately one which seems to keep them pretty grounded. “It’s our anniversary again soon,” Will says excitedly. We’re on tour for a while now but I’m sure we’ll make some time for romance.” Yes, very grounded. Just don’t call them quiff-tastic.

See the Villains do their thing live... Vincent Vincent and the Villains are touring with the mighty Art Brut this month. Check them out at Manchester's Academy 3 on June 15th, and Leeds Cockpit on June 19th. Or visit www.myspace. com/vvandthev for more information and dates!

> 28

> festivals special

We send Loulla-Mae EleftheriouSmith to act like a music slag at The Great Escape Festival in sunny Brighton....

only did it once. Maybe. However, once I’d stopped myself from acting like a professional twat and got over my initial excitement, I had one of the best nights of my life. Saturday night’s line up at the Pavilion Theatre saw Kid Harpoon, Vincent Vincent and the Villains, and Good Shoes take to the stage. All three played incredible sets; Kid Harpoon ran up and down the stage with his guitar held high, his band bashing out favourite songs ‘Late For The Devil’, ‘Riverside’ and the crowd-husher ‘Colours’, whereas Vincent and

“

around looking uni pressed because they’d ‘heard about this band for like, years yeah? And people are only just starting to hear of them? That’s like, so tragic…’; but it also meant partying ’till dawn to some truly fantastic music. Alongside lesser-known bands who played their hearts out in order to impress the masses, were bands that have most definitely hit the mainstream radar on a regular basis. Artists such as The Magic Numbers, Willy Mason and The Noisettes graced Brighton with their individual musical talents, along side Art Brut, The Rakes and Hot Club De Paris. So much to do, so little time. Literally. So, once I had happily discovered the benefits of having a press pass, I repeatedly skipped to the front of venue queues with glee. That’s right, I was the arsehole that walks to the head of the hour-long line of people inquiring a little too loudly ‘Do you have to queue if you’re with the press? No? So I can just walk straight in?’. I’m surprised I didn’t get [Kid Harpoon: Harpoon (probably) just out of shot] lynched. But then I he Great Escape Festival. Twenty venues. Too many bands to count. This event is massive, and although it’s not on the same scale as Glastonbury, it still means that for three days the already party town of Brighton is heaving with gigs, giggers and, well, press. So yes, it meant the scenester indie kids standing

The Great Escape: So much to do, so little time. Literally. the gang pelted out their rockabilly wonders ‘I’m Alive’, ‘Seven Inch Record’ and ‘Johnny Two Bands’. The gig was topped off by Good Shoes appearing on stage, covered in face paint and ricocheting their popular tunes ‘The Photos On My Wall’, ‘Sophia’ and ‘Morden’ through the crowd. It was at this

[Good Shoes: Shoes not pictured] point I realised the freak who’d been stood near me at the back with a green and black painted face was in fact part of the band. Score. Once the gig had finished, I suddenly got dragged off in search of the NME after party. On discovering that it was ridiculously rammed, (not even my pretty press pass could get me through that crowd), I was taken on a bar hopping trail which led to the Ocean Rooms, just one of the many venues hosting their own after parties of djs, live music and

general debauchery. It went on for hours, and as it started to get grottier, sweatier and more packed than a can of sardines I found myself whisked away to the beach, surrounded by pebbles and soaked by the sea. And that’s how my Great Escape experience ended: at 4am on Brighton Beach, with cold and wet feet, but immensely satisfied.

COMPETITION!

WIN TWO TICKETS TO ANY DAY OF THE WIRELESS FEST IN LEEDS! Burn't out the student loan already? Spent all your budget on Vanbrugh sandwiches? Thought you couldn't make the Wireless festival this year? Well FEAR NOT young student, because here is how VISION can help YOU! We have TWO PAIRS of day passes to give away to any day of the festival you fancy. All you have to do is answer this simple question: Who is headlining Friday night of the Wireless festival in Leeds? Is it... A: The White Stripes B: The Polite Tripes C: The Quite Tights Email answers to

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> music: live reviews

> 29 sweat inducing, shape throwing tunes too. He follows the ‘live’ act for a whole two hours of cutting, pasting and severely smashing up tracks. It’s a treat to hear Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It’ wrapped around ‘House Of Jealous Lovers’. He even makes Kaiser Chiefs good! And to top it off his Teenage Bad Girl ‘Cocotte’ reworking is a thrusting piece of dance floor magic so good that 99.9% of pill heads agree. Yep, as a non-stop writhing throng of bodies, Wax:On is not for the image conscious. A glistening face is the only accessory to fluorescent jackets, face paint and stupidly tight trousers. And that’s what tonight is about. Having a laugh and looking like an idiot. Simian Mobile Disco probably aren’t a ‘new favourite band’, they’re just stupidly good fun. SIAN ROWE

Manic Street Preachers

Hot Club De Paris: Cheeky Scousers on the Loose... Club Academy 4, Manchester. 22/05/07

ooking at Hot Club de Paris, I could have quite easily been persuaded into thinking that the three lego-haired scousers, all buttoned up in quaint, checked shirts were just university students who had got lost on their way to the library and found themselves onstage in the basement of their student union. Bless ‘em. However, a couple of factors suggested that I may be wrong. Firstly, there was the onstage grape munching, and we students know not of the 5-aday rule. Secondly, there was the launching into ‘Welcome to the Hot Club de Paris’ in a capella, which pretty much gave it away. At first glance, the conventional onstage rabble of drums, bass and guitar suggested that the set was

Patti Smith Sheffield Plug 24/05/07

n his 2006 classic (well, ‘classic’) ‘Heritage Rock Revolution’, Luke Haines discusses the perils of ageing rockers, desperately peddling covers albums around the country and keeping the faithful intact with a slim streak of past favourites. “They’re gonna play all the hits that we knew,” he growls, “and most of the new album too…” Haines’s observations are rarely wide of the mark and in light of the 2007 Patti Smith tour, his comments are frustratingly prophetic. Currently doing the rounds in support of (yes!) a covers album, Smith’s set is hampered by its very nature. Privileged as this reviewer feels to witness a living legend frequently electrify an enthusiastic crowd,

to be somewhat less than heartstoppingly original. The bizarre, yet brilliant sounds produced by the Moshi Moshi trio therefore were quite staggering. The most prominent example of this was ‘Bonded by Blood’, which somehow managed to place perfectly chiselled barber-shop harmonies alongside singer Matthew’s human beat-boxing, and to make it sound like the most natural thing in the world (unlike his face which was something of a dodgy looking plum by the song’s end). The refreshing thing about Hot Club de Paris is that they thrive on musically challenging themselves, and on being q u i t e unlike any other punk-pop band that’s strutting around today’s music scene. This was proven

further by gems such as ‘3:55am: I think we should go home’, which starred some intriguingly twisted time-signatures. Following this, the band finally belted out the seashanty tones of latest single and crowd pleaser, ‘Shipwreck’, along with some ludicrous levels of Carling-fuelled banter. Forget tearing off sweaty t-shirts and tossing drumsticks into the crowd at the end of gigs, these Liverpool lads then proceeded to throw their grapes into the crowd. Pretty crazy, huh? Yep, they’re peculiar ones, these Hot Club boys, but if their quirkiness is going to keep on creeping into their music then hurrah for weirdness.

did we really come here to watch a bona fide punk poet perform droning versions of ‘Gimme Shelter’, ‘Soul Kitchen’ and worst, ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’? It’s a shame because when the covers rise above their sluggish foundations, they exhilarate. ‘Helpless’ provides an enjoyable conclusion whilst ‘Within You, Without You’ is a brave stab at a difficult piece. Regardless, it’s left to the likes of ‘Gloria’, ‘Free Money’ and ‘Redondo Beach’ to really justify the hype and Smith’s recent inclusion into the Music Hall of Fame. While it’s a genuine pleasure to see Patti Smith perform live, tonight’s lack of invention is disappointing. Unimpressively impressive.

Simian Mobile Disco/ Boiz Noize

DA N SMITH

[Patti Smith: ALOT younger and ALOT less haggard than she is today]

CAMILLE AUGARDE

Leeds Uni

26/05/07

lthough its debatable just how mobile their kit is Simian Mobile Disco have certainly got the last bit right. This night is all electro-disco. With the assembled Wax:On crowd having warmed up good and proper the duo (James Ford and Shaw) bash out electronic hit after electronic hit. ‘It’s The Beat’s lighter touch is a buoyant treat while ‘Hustler’s got a bass that’s nose itchingly heavy. As if they really want everyone to go a bit mental throwing in a couple of their remixes doesn’t hurt either. The dance floor freaks – spot the reference there - love it. And, Hurrah! it all sounds superior to the record. While not the most interesting visual prospect - they’re basically pushing buttons, and lots of them - its brasher and better. Where Simian fell down on providing a bit of the ol’ atmosphere the Mobile Disco incarnation provide it by the record box load. Berlin DJ Alex Ridha aka Boys Noize has got his fair share of

Sheffield Octagon 17/05/07

somewhat small venue for a band that has been filling arenas, the Octagon in Sheffield soon filled up with a bit of a motley bunch; from the middle aged to punk rockers to indie kids, their appeal obviously spreads far and wide. Opening with You Love Us (as if the crowd needed reminding!) the Manic’s certainly earned our love with a set list comprising of old classics including 'Motorcycle Emptiness', 'If You Tolerate This Your Children Will be Next' and 'Faster' sprinkled with tracks from the new album 'Send Away the Tigers' such as new single 'Your Love Alone Is Not Enough', which blended in so well it might already be a Manic’s classic. The mood slowed as the rest of the band exited the stage and left James Dean Bradfield to take up an acoustic guitar and serenade us with 'Small Black Flowers' and 'This Is Yesterday', prompting the crowd to join in, swaying stadium style and singing every poignant lyric. Springing back onto stage, some of the audience were disappointed to see no costume change on Nicky Wi r e ’s behalf (a man known to

energised, they soon made up for this, the crowd becoming riotous during 'MotownJunk'. Finishing on 'Design For Life' (what else?) the Manic’s walked off stage triumphant, a polished yet at times raw gig that proved that even after 15 years they’re as strong as ever. LAURA SOOLEY

Little Barrie Fibbers, York 22/05/07

arrie Cadogan, Lewis Wharton and Billy Skinner – collectively known as Little Barrie - look exactly the same. EXACTLY. Long, shaggy dark hair, drainpipe jeans, an assortment of hats and braces and the staple baggy white vest greet the crowd - another British indie band anyone…? But appearances can be deceiving, especially for those that have little else to go on, and this evening Little Barrie prove they have much more to offer than another snapshot of the indie scene. In fact, they are like a breath of fresh air as they launch into their blistering brand of blues-based rock. The basis for many of their songs seems to be leaning towards blues and in tracks such as 'Greener Pastures' overtly so. However, as the set progresses influences such as rock and roll, folk, soul and even country become apparent, Little Barrie incorporating these diverse elements into surprisingly innovative songs. Cadogan’s voice is nothing special, but then it doesn’t need to be. His guitar skills have been hailed as exceptional by critics and during track such as 'Free Salute', he manages to coax some exquisite sounds from his guitar. Skinner too is rather notable at the back, as long hair swaying and sweat flying he drums fervently and furiously. Combined with Wharton’s down to earth bluesy bass lines, Little Barrie are well worth watching. They are the kind of band that only get better once you hear them live and going back to the CD after just isn’t quite the same. REBECCA SHORT

["I'll Simain your Mobile Disco"]

>30

> music: album and single reviews longest aftertaste, standing out as the most consumer friendly tracks and most likely to be well received live. Unfortunately, like the chocolate, everything else in between is mainly filler; air and wafer which neither satisfies nor impresses you. Generic emo rock is found in abundance on slow-burners ‘One For The Road’ and ‘The Diary’ saved only briefly by guest vocals from Lianne Francis. Whilst touted as their boldest and most innovative work to date, this album generally fails to produce the goods on its relatively short ten tracks. Add to this the fact the whole thing has a strange nautical theme and somewhat bland vocals, I’d recommend giving it a miss. RACHAEL EYTON

✰✰✰✰✰ 1990s Cookies Out Now

New Young Pony Club: 'Fantastic Playroom' Out 18/06/07

ny of you who actually attended this year’s NME rave tour – having not been put off by its headlining indie-rave Klaxon kings – will hopefully have had a chance to watch five-piece London band New Young Pony Club perform; if their album is anything to go by, they probably put on quite a show. Formed in 2004, New Young Pony Club have spent the last two years making a name for themselves on the underground scene, and the band’s long awaited debut ‘Fantastic Playroom’ is an energetic ten-track discoid romp from start to finish.

Mumm-Ra

These Things Move in Threes Out Now

really wanted to dislike this album as a matter of principle: really, how can you take seriously a band whose lead singer is called ‘Noo’, and who list their mascot, ‘Matthew the Duck’ on their list of band members? Not only that, but when I saw Mumm-Ra as a support band late last year, I came dangerously close to falling asleep. However, having said that, this album really isn’t that bad, and is – dare I say it – actually quite fun to listen to. It starts out promisingly enough, with the first track Now or Never starting out acoustically, with the rest of the band joining in after a minute or so. This is then followed by Out of the Question, possibly the best track on the album, demonstrating MummRa’s ability to write pretty, summery melodies that you can’t help but want to dance to. Latest single She’s Got You High in similarly good, and deserving of a high-

Lead singer Tahita Bulmer’s punky vocals are effortlessly cool (she was featured in NME’s 2006 ‘cool’ list actually, whatever that might mean) if a little reminiscent of a much less political Le Tigre sound, and although the lyrics leave, at times, much to be desired (I think I know that ‘it’s alright as long as it’s black or white’ thank you) ‘Fantastic Playroom’ retains its flawlessly produced neon tempo throughout. Kicking off proceedings with the fantastic ‘Get Lucky’, it takes only a few minutes to arrive at much loved and ridiculously catchy ‘Ice Cream’ (‘I can

er position in the charts than the number 41 that it reached. However, the latter part of the album tends to blend into one indistinguishable song: an inoffensive enough track, but nothing particularly stands out, and the album could do with being a good ten minutes or so shorter. So, Mumm-Ra: not great, but not terrible either. Just don’t expect anything particularly original.

give you what you want’ etc.), better known for its appearance in that computer advert on telly, and followed immediately by ‘dance floor destroyer’ and recent single ‘The Bomb’, New Young Pony Club continue their glow-stick beats right until final track ‘Tight Fit’. A new and progressive musical debut? No. A knee-jerkingly catchy summer soundtrack? Hell yes. KATIE JACKSON

✰✰✰✰✰ Funeral For A Friend

'Tales Don't Tell Themselves' Out Now

onsider if you will the consistency of a Ferrero Rocher chocolate and you will have in your mind a general picture of what the new FFAF album reminds me. Starting at the heart of the NICOLA SARD album you find the true classic nut ‘Raise the Sail’ which marks the highlight of the album with its darker melodies and sinister orchestral overtones. Surrounding this is the yummy chocolaty creaminess of tracks such as Incubusinfluenced ‘Open Water’ and classic ‘Out of reach’ with its soaring guitars and driving verses merging wonderfully into grand sweeping choruses. Move now to the nutty exterior of the album and you will find new single ‘Into Oblivion’ and the ethereal ending track ‘The Sweetest Wave’. These two songs [Mumm-Ra: their lead singer is called 'Noo', are what leave and 'noo' i'm not joking] you with the

✰✰✰✰✰

new singles by... ...Katie Jacobs Siobham Donaghy 'So You Say'

So You Say’, ex-Sugababe Donaghy’s second solo effort is the kind of coollyelectro and ethereal pop track that lulls you into a state of security before exploding into a dramatic, soaring chorus: proper, vintage pop. Rather like being lightly massaged until you’re fall asleep, before being woken up by being sluiced with water, but you know, in a good way. Ah, Siobhan, you always were my favourite Sugababe, it’s good to have you back.

The Rumble Strips 'Motorcycle'

un in music is often rather hard to find these days, from the laboured “oh look at us we’re having so much fun with our mental glow sticks” of New Rave, to the indie rock bands who spend more time concentrating on looking the part to crack a smile, times can seem bleak indeed. Not a moment too soon then for the debut album of Glasgow three piece 1990s (“no The and no apostrophe”, their MySpace chastises would-be fans), for this debut manages to be great fun whilst making no sense whatsoever. Produced by the legendary Bernard Butler, ‘Cookies’ presents a selection of top-notch pop songs: music to drink, dance and get fucked to. 1990s make glam pop, utterly danceable rock and roll; they’re brash and unashamed to party like it’s 1999 (groan). Each song offers a stomping 3 minute (Jackie McKeown and co having obviously read the handbook on producing perfect pop songs) vignette of young, often drunk, life hanging around parties, bars or the ‘Arcade Precinct’. It’s lucky that the melodies themselves are so memorable, with ‘See You At The Lights’ in particular having a hook more catchy than SARS, and ten times more enjoyable, as lyrically this album often descends into farce (“You are my boogaloo/You wear my favourite shoes”, anyone?). A couple of songs miss the mark (the slower ‘Weed’ for example is duller than a conversation with a stoned person when you’re not), and the album sags somewhat in the middle section, but despite the nonsensical lyrics, 1990s have struck a blow for fun in music with ‘Cookies’, and it will no doubt be filling the floors of indie discos nationwide before long, and deservedly so. KATIE JACOBS

✰✰✰✰✰ Not seeing the music you want? Think you can do better? Then get in touch at music@vision.york. ac.uk and we'll 'ave a good ol' chin-wag.

18/06/07

04/06/07

At the climax of this track, singer Charlie, owner of the best voice and face in indie in this reviewer’s humble opinion, hits a note so high it sounds like he just sat down at a very unfortunate angle, yet also manages to be pure pop genius. A rollicking, brass-heavy, anthemic ode to…erm…cycling. Proper rock ‘n’ roll. And if they cycle as hard as they rock, the streets can only be a happier place.

The Bees 'Listening Man '

11/06/07

I should have known better than to even let it cross my mind that The Bees could fail me, for of course this song is like pure sunshine and relaxation in a can. Oh how I wish I was lying in a park, drinking a cold beer and perhaps smoking a spliff. Note: Vision in no way condones drug use, but whilst listening to this soulful track I’m too blissed out to really care.

The Fratellis 'Ole Black 'n' Blue Eyes 11/06/07 Perhaps my hatred of The Fratellis is irrational. Perhaps it is unjustified. But I just can’t help it, and anger is a useful emotion with which to work. Or perhaps it’s because they are so damn unoriginal, and you know…rubbish. ‘Ole (ole?!?) Black ‘n’ Blue Eyes’ might be mildly catchy, but then so is aids. It may well be a grower, but then so is a cancerous tumour, and then I’d also have to listen to it more than once to establish that, and I am not really prepared to.

> film

> 31

PARIS IN THE CINE...

Lazy Days, Lazy Films Andrew Latham bemoans the summer creativity drought in mainstream cinema.

he summer is upon us. Short skirts, ice-cream, the seaside, short skirts. barbecued food poisoning. Short skirts twice? Yes. Just like cinema. Despite a multiplitude of high quality independent, groundbreaking, convention-defying films in recent months, and some similar efforts in the mainstream [see the Zodiac review overleaf], there is a depressing tendency in Hollywood to play it safe with summer releases. Since the early 1980s, the dominant ideology in Hollywood has been the 'High Concept' approach. Much of the output should comprise films which can be summarised in twenty-five words words at most. An early example, Alien, can be summarised in three - 'Jaws in space'. But this does not mean that Alien is a bad film: far from it, rather that there is a belief among producers and commisioners at big studios that films which follw a conventional formula, have guarunteed hooks and are most likely to succeed. At the same time, the budgets forsuch projects have increased massively. The first Star Wars film was made on budget of £5.5million. The most recent pantomime-esque effort cost around £55 million. With such impressive volumes of money spent on films, recouperation has to be rapid. On the first weekend of showing, a film is expected to make a third of its gross. It will be released in as many cinemas as possible, attempting to attract high short term ticket sales. Marketing can ensure a film's success, or rather encourage people to see a film before they have read too many reviews. This combination of an economic model for cinema production and an ideological belief that simplicity in design leaves audiences happy pervades Hollywood. There is a logical outcome from this. As budgets increase, creativity goes down. Films become formulaic as a result. Aside from in rare direct sequal situations, such as from Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to Pirates of the Caribbean 3, film endings are unambigous, closed books, and often overwhelmingly happy, to match the weather outside. If budget stakes are high, encouraging as much of the audience to leave with as a warm, fuzzy feeling as possible, so that they in turn {Spot the Difference: Sean Bean takes on

Film endings are unambigous, closed books, and often overwhelmingly happy, to match the weather outside.

“

Cult Classic

Dan Smith goes old school with The House That Dripped Blood Oh come on! Hammer Horror?! You’ve got to be joking, that’s surely for those who find Blue Peter a bit too edgy… Alright, alright, calm down… Whilst many Hammer films admittedly lack the effects of today’s horror epics, The House That Dripped Blood really is a cult classic. Honestly. It’s funny (even deliberately sometimes), clever and contains an all-star cast featuring the cream of, ahem, 60s British horror talent. ‘The cream of 60s British

horror talent’? Oh good grief ! Convince me… Structured as an anthology, The House That Dripped Blood frighteningly focuses on the eeriness of an

recommend the film to friends and families, is seen as integral to the production process and guarunteeing a return on investment. 'Giving audiences what they want' has therefore become synonymous with recycling ideas that worked well previously. This has taken two forms, the extension of film franchises (viz. 28 Weeks Later review, p 32), and rehashing previously successful films or television series. Among the highlights of this summer's box office offerings are toy-come-TV-series made big in the form of Transformers and an unnescessary straight remake of edgy eighties horror The Hitcher, with Sean Bean taking the title role. Forgive my ignorance, but the American desert tends to lack abrasive Yorkshiremen. Perhaps a retelling above the hills of Sheffield would boost the creativity of the project. Also scheduled for release are continuations of existing projects in the form of The Simpsons Movie, The Bourne Ultimatum, Shrek The Third and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Doubtless these could be good films in themselves, though the continuation of these franchises, playing off exisiting storylines, offers litle of any-

thing different for audiences in terms of the stories, characters, stunts or romantic pretexts. If one does fancy something unusual or different, the best bet is making it to a film festival, something of a burgeoning obsession across Britain, with July playing host to the Cambridge, Lancaster, Oxford, and short seasons in Coatbridge (apparently somewhere near Glasgow) and several local festibals in London. August has more opportunities, with Chichester, Manchester and Edinburgh hosting gala events. For the big studios a seachange in production methods may have to be seen in order for the creativity drought to be overcome. Among the most successful science-fiction films with critics of the past few years was Primer, produced on a budget of $17,000, incredibly watchable, and a film so clever that it felt like swimming in Stephen Hawking's brain. If a smaller proportion of budgets was blown on CGI effects, and instead invested in cultivating exciting, different and less derivative stories, then summer cinema would offer a much more satisfying and stimulating summer. A bit like Pimms with lots of fruit. Cheers.

The world's most romantic city has featured in countless films over the past hundred and ten years: it was at the Salon Indien du Grand Café that the Lumiere brothers showed their first features, a collection of ten short films with captivating titles such as 'The Exit of Workers From The Lumiere Factory in Lyon' and 'Bathing In The Sea'. So here are five Paris film connections with which you are sure to impress your love interest. Grab some crème brulee at Cafe des Deux Moulins, 15 rue Lepic. It’s where Amelie worked, and is indeed a real café.

Why not have a go at climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and throwing a friend over the ledge, mimicking the parachute jump in A View To A Kill? A stuntman was fired from the Bond film after making pulling off the leap without permission...

Catch the David Lynch Retrospective – until mid June, at Fondation Cartier. The esteemed director of Blue Velvet presents a collection of short films, photography, paintings and ephemera. On second thoughts, perhaps not the best place to take a date, given the often less than romantic subject matter...

Rutger Hauer's role in this summer's remake of 1986 slasher thriller The Hitcher}

isolated house. In one of the film’s three episodes, Christopher Lee’s daughter becomes possessed by a voodoo curse. In another, Peter Cushing has to tackle the ghost of his dead wife. Finally, we get the pleasure of former Doctor Who Jon Pertwee transforming before our very eyes into a vampire bat… It’s a selfknowing film that doesn’t outstay its welcome and while some of the effects may verge on the laughable, it all adds to a winning sense of good fun. Hmm… I prefer my horror to be more suspenseful. If only there was some sort of Hitchcock link… Well, how coincidental of you to mention Hitchcock!

Take in a show at Moulin Rouge. You never know, Ewan McGregor or Nicole Kidman may be there. Maybe.

You’d almost think we were the same person… The House That Dripped Blood is, rather oddly, penned by Robert Bloch, the author of Psycho. And Psycho IV. But we’ll brush over that minor detail… Wow, what a fascinating fact! You’ve really won me over now! Er, really? Oh. Good. Then again, with Cushing, Lee and Bloch on board, how could you deny the thrilling, edge-of-your-seat quality of this 1971 hit? Erm, hang on, what about the bit with the giant killer plant? Shh! That pened…

never

hap-

Go for a meander along the Seine. Angel-A, Luc Besson’s story of humanity, the meaning of Frenchness and a beautifully shot tour of the city is set largely among the bridges and quays.

> 32

JACK'S BACK glimpse into his hallucinogenic, rum-addled mind. It’s a joy to watch. Of course, Orlando and Keira are on hand once again to bring sexy back, as well as girl power as Elizabeth Swan tries her hand as captain and kicks some serious ass. Mostly though, this film is kept afloat by Depp’s performance, as it’s endangered by some weighty dialogue and a ridiculously convoluted plot. There are too few sword fights, although the climactic action scene is awesome. Also, Jack’s memorable entrance in the first film is mirrored, with an ingenious twist. Overall, though, I guess the film just isn’t as much of a guilty pleasure as the first two. It’s decidedly less ‘Disney’ as the violence seems pretty shocking for its 12A certificate. The ending isn’t your typical riding off into the sunset romantic affair either and is, perhaps frustratingly, openended. Check it out for Jack Sparrow (and Keith Richard’s cameo!), but be prepared to take turn a blind eye (no pun intended) to the ins and outs of the storyline. Before you see it, watch the first two if you want the slightest understanding of what’s going on. Oh, and stock up on popcorn and coke: it’s a bumnumbing two and a half hours long.

Dir: Gore Verbinski Starring: Johnny Depp, Keira Kightley, Cannons Certificate: 15

t’s less than a year since Pirates 2 was released. Even so, try recalling even the basic plot details. Nope, neither could I. It doesn’t seem to matter though because the writers thought up some of the most imaginative and entertaining action sequences seen for ages: who could forget Jack Sparrow, the human kebab, escaping from the cannibals?! All in all though, Dead Man’s Chest felt a bit bogged down in overly complicated twists and turns, particularly in comparison to its refreshingly enjoyable predecessor. So does At the World’s End deliver and bring the party back on track? In a word: no. As far as plot goes, it involves the heart of Davy Jones (fish face), a ‘heathen god’, Bootstrap Bill, the English and a band of Singaporean pirates. How these fit together, I’m not altogether sure. Does it matter? Probably not. There are some genuine belly laughs: most, reliably, from Mackenzie Crook’s one-eyed pirate. However, it will come as no surprise that Johnny Depp steals the show for the third time. He, and the filmmakers, raise Jack Sparrow’s weirdness to a whole new level: for too few scenes we get a

28 WEEKS LATER Dir: Juan Carlos Fresnadillo Starring: Robert Carlysle, Rose Byrne, Zombies Certificate: 18 Running Time: 99 mins

hey’re not called zombies. They are the infected’, I said to my girlfriend before seeing this mediocre second instalment of horror franchise. I could hear her roll her eyes down the phone at me. ‘Pah,’ said I, ‘it’ll be fun. The first one’s really good, and Danny Boyle is producing it.’ Though 28 Days Later’s director is involved in the project, this formulaic sequel offers little new to the genre. To the uninitiated, the premise of 28 Days Later, (a virus released from a monkey-lab turns people into how I imagine Tre from the Apprentice would behave if he was stung by a bee whilst hung-over, and consequently decimates the British Isles), is revisited, though the timeframe is now six months on from the outbreak as opposed to four weeks. The infected, unable to open tins of fruit cocktail and without fresh human brains to snack on have consequently died out. It is up to the Americans to begin a repopulation of Britain, starting at Canary Wharf. Don (Robert

“

A brilliantly evoked period piece rather than a bloody whodunit

✰✰✰✰✰ done then, step 3: extermination.’/ ‘Did I hear that code red or am I losing my shit?!’) and hordes of the infected. As with most horrors, the plot turns are obvious, with some tenuous links allowing for progression. Some of the metaphors employed are hammy. Whilst Don is economical with the truth when explaining his wife’s death to the children, he removes his identity badge. And the American inability to deal with the zombie insurrection seems to fit into current affairs. One of the draws of 28 Days was the incredible sense of unease created by a deserted London, which is again employed here, though as it is recycled is less

Dir: David Fincher Starring: Jake Gyllenhall, Anthony Edwards, Mark Ruffalo Certificate: 15 Running Time: 158 mins hen Panic Room was released to widespread disinterest at the turn of the decade, it seemed that the early promise demonstrated by the MTV-groomed David Fincher had got lost somewhere along the way. The winning moodiness of Alien 3 and the flashy brilliance of Fight Club had been puzzlingly replaced with clever-clever camera techniques, overly stylised edits and, well, Jodie Foster. Thankfully, after years in the making, the director’s comeback film, Zodiac, is a return to form. Fincher made his name with Seven, offering us a sneering Kevin Spacey, firing on all cylinders. And Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box. How could we say no? Zodiac refuses to repeat the same ground as Seven but comparisons are perhaps inevitable. Cryptic and untied, it concentrates on character affectation rather than inventively grisly thrills. Based on a real case, the story follows the development of the unsolved ‘Zodiac’ murders in 1960s San Francisco. A serial killer stalks the city, sending tantalising clues to local papers and police, warning of his next attacks. Unravelling over 30 years, Zodiac focuses on

CLARE TAYLOR

Carlysle) having hidden somewhere in Britain after leaving his wife to be eaten, is among the British ‘managers’ of the new community. Don is reunited with his repatriated children, who are anxious to know what happened to their mother, and whom, needless to say are in part responsible for the ensuing carnage. The son has long hair and is a Spurs fan. The daughter is called Tammy. They are bound to cause trouble. What ensues is a Logan’s Runesque charge across the deserted capital, a plucky band of survivors attempting to outrun the American army’s not quite softly-softly approach (‘Step 1: kill the infected. Step 2: containment. If containment cannot be

ZODIAC

“

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN III

> film: reviews

impressive the second time around. Also returning is much of the soundtrack from the first film, John Murphy’s brooding ‘In The House (In A Heartbeat)’ appears constantly. 28 Weeks Later is not bad. The constant sense of surveillance is a decent attempt at social commentary, visual effects are stunning, and clever approaches to camera work appear throughout the film. Whilst nowhere near as good as the original, as post-apocalyptic horror, this is a succinct and enjoyable gorefest. ANDREW LATHAM

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the cops and journalists who grow older and more embittered as the killer waits months, sometimes years, before returning for more carnage. Whilst Seven built up to an expectedly grandiose conclusion, Fincher works within his true life material, as the killer ultimately remains free, presumed dead or dormant. This adherence to truth allows the director to construct a brilliantly evoked period piece rather than a bloody whodunit. Concentrating on three principal characters – two journalists and a detective – the script powerfully evokes the gruelling obsession and frustration that can dog investigative minds. Fincher has toned down many of his stylistic tics to offer a brooding yet fully realised work. As the narrative moves from decade-todecade, the attention to detail is breathtaking with expansively designed sets accentuating the idiosyncrasies of each period. Similarly, whilst Gyllenhaal and Ruffalo largely fail (yet again) to convince as leads, the typically under-appreciated Robert Downey Jr. works tirelessly at the role of Paul Avery. By its very nature, Zodiac will never be able to offer clearcut resolutions to those who find Agatha Christie novels a bit unresolved. However, with its emphasis on characterisation over slasher thrills, it lives up to its lengthy running time to provide a welcome return for a frequently special director.

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DAN SMITH

> tv

> 33

teleVISION

Return of the Crap... Uniquely mesmerising and instantly forgettable in equal measure, Big Brother is here again, Richard Webb is looking forward to another summer of the brother…

es Davina has got a job for another few months, and surely it’s only a matter of time before she’s up the duff again, it seems she conceives every time the new series comes on like some kind of Big Brother queen bee being tended to by Dermot and the contestants behind the scenes. It all started seven years ago as a faux-social experiment type situation, then it became a platform for people who wanted to be famous and now its evolved into an unashamed humiliation-athon filled with the mentally unstable for us all to laugh at… and why the hell not. The housemates moved in on Wednesday night and are all female so far with a lone male, Ziggy (a toff who was once spotted in the Gallery), entering the house on Friday, so bitchiness and tension can be expected. However, three chosen housemates were allegedly rejected by Channel Four due to fears that they would cause controversy, this doesn’t bode well for a reality TV programme. After the racist shenanigans of Celebrity Big Brother earlier this year, it seems Channel Four are scared of doing anything that might elicit any sort of complaint and this year’s series could potentially be the dullest one yet. This quite probably means that the

confirmed terrorist housemate, the BNP member and the warehouse load of slave labour kids will also no longer be taking part in the show. On the plus side the first few weeks have been good fun mainly because of the twins, who seem to have the combined mental age of three, and the increasingly unstable Tracey, a cleaner and former raver who

limps about the house shouting either ‘Av it!’, ‘Buzzin!’ or ‘I need to roll up to sort me head out.’ Tracey is odds on to have the first major break down, although Lesley (apparently a friend of Charles and Camilla) may well just pip her to the mental post. The sad news is that Russel Brand won’t be continuing his part in BB8 meaning that Big Brother’s Big

Where to watch the freak show... Big Brother:

C4 10pm.

Every bloomn' day Big Brother Live:

E4 all

day. Every day. Big

Brother’s

Little

Brother: C4 5pm Big Brother’s Big Mouth: E4 11pm Big Brother on the Couch: E4 10pm

{Bathtime in the Big Brother house; or Friday night at Reflex? You decide}

When Good Neighbours Get Stabbed in the Back

When I Was a Boy…

Neighbours BBC1 - 1986 to 2007

Mouth will now be guest presented each week, as seen on Have I Got News For You since Angus Deaton left. The first presenter was radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles, so if you thought Brand was an annoying twat, things haven’t got any better. Things don’t look great for the coming week either since MP/Catman George Galloway will be squeezing into Russel’s skin-tight black jeans. It seems Galloway has shrugged of that last bit of dignity by giving up on politics and stopping war in favour of allegiances to the reality show. Amongst the other future guest presenters rumoured to be taking part are Ron Atkinson, David Cameron and Howard from the Halifax, so at least Brand’s passing won’t be missed for long. Whatever happens in the house, those days of arguing over who’s hot and who’s a tosser (its usually split 50-50) are once again with us so just pick up your bottle of Banoch Brae from Costcutters and sit back and enjoy. Although make sure there is at least one other person joining you in doing this, otherwise its probably time to seek some kind of professional help… or failing that, just get your application in for Big Brother 9.

et’s not shed any tears because Ramsay street residents are being evicted and ordered to haul ass over to Channel Graveyard… or Channel Five as it calls itself. Just because those plucky Neighbours producers wanted 400 million an episode, or something, the BBC powers that be said no and now they expect the student world to stand up as one and protest like it’s the seventies again… but they can do a Connor and eff right off for all I care. If they weren’t committed enough to keep hold of the aussie soap but are still willing to pump money into stuff like Traffic Cops (a new series about traffic police in Humberside), Bargain Hunt or the News then bring on channel five neighbours and its five minute break full of insurance claim and retire-

ment plan adverts… actually this is going to be quite a difficult move… The swap-over takes place in 2008 and Neighbours will be shown alongside its slightly retarded cousin, Home and Away. Apparently ratings have been falling on BBC but this can only be sensibly explained by global warming, since the show is currently building up storylines and character developments on par with The Wire or a Scorsese film. New instalment Pepper is the one to watch as she has already produced a lesbian kiss scene and done the dirty with Paul Robinson (a brilliant scene which saw the pair throwing an item of clothing onto the couch until we see Paul’s artificial leg hit the sofa, brilliant). Pepper is so ridiculously flirtatious with every single character it is surely only a matter of time until we see a mass orgy at the Kennedy household… and yes that includes Dolly the sheep. Evidently it seems Neighbours is already suited to life at Channel Five.

Children's TV - 1844 to 2007?

f you think everything used to be better than it is today then stand up and give yourself a good slap. You might be one of those people who think current children’s TV is crap compared to the gold you used to enjoy in the nineties. You probably look back on your childhood as one long Enid Blyton adventure, frolicking around the sunny countryside, when in reality it was more like this… child: ‘mummy what’s for breakfast?’ mother: ‘Shit on toast! Now piss off you little bastard before I brick your ugly face in…’ However on a recent, and purely research based, scour through the kids TV listings it appears that today’s little blighters just aren’t being catered for. Take Thursday’s pre 6 o’clock line up for example, BBC 2 has Escape to The Country, ITV has Midsomer bloody

Murders, C4 has Countdown (but they never cared about the kids anyway) and Channel Five are showing the 1958 film The Battle of the V1! The only glimmer of hope for the modern youngster comes from Dick and Dom on BBC1 and frankly their motives are just downright suspicious. Things are so desperate now even Basil the Brush is back, surely it’s only a matter of time until Bodger and Badger return, splatting their mash all over each other whilst a zombie Andi Peters rapes Edd the Duck in the background.

> 34

> culture: interview

Madness and Medicine Nikolaus Morris talks to renowned Scottish playwright Anthony Neilson about his currently touring play The Wonderful World of Dissocia.

[The colourful and aesthetically stimulating first act of 'The Wonderful World of Dissocia' [above] allows the audience to empathise with Lisa when she is taken into a tedious mental health clinic in the intentionally cold and dull second act] explores in dissocia: “Shows will be about issues to some extent; there’s nothing that’s not about an issue. What i’m suspicious of is when sometimes people are a little dishonest in the issues that they address. Mental health is an issue but i’m not approaching it from a socio-

“

We all have racism culturally in our background in some way or other. Its more our job to actually talk about the inspeakable truths about ourselves

“

he Wonderful World of Dissocia premiered in 2004 at the Edinburgh International Festival and is currently enjoying a successful UK tour produced by the National Theatre of Scotland. Written and directed by Anthony Neilson, the play is divided into two very different acts. Centering around the character of Lisa Jones, the first act takes place in the sumptuous land of dissocia which is populated by talking animals and colourful characters. The second act takes place in a tedious mental health clinic. Neilson explained the rationale behind the play and its daring structure: “The starting point for this was really very simple and it was just that I wanted to explore why it is that some people who have psychiatric conditions have a resistance to taking the medication which would make them well. […] People i’ve been very close to have suffered from mental illness. I’ve seen medication work and i do believe that medication works, but it was an attempt to try and understand what the resistance is and what the pull of mental illness is. So the point of that two-act structure is to put you in a very subjective position so that hopefully the first act is entertaining and funny and you enjoy it. It's very colourful and its everything that the second act is not. The hope would be that in the second act when her relatives and friends say to her: “why aren’t you taking your medication?”, That we sort of understand on a visceral level, because we as an audience are almost on the edge of being slightly bored by the repetitive nature of the second act. We’re being starved of all the colour and sound, that was the idea of it. To make you feel, empirically, some analogy of what it is she feels, so you’re feeling a pull towards the first half and that’s running underneath everything that’s going on.” The play explores a sensitive subject but Neilson asserts that it does so honestly; he also maintains that he is not attempting to stage mental illness and that this is not a piece of ‘issues theatre’. We discussed how critics and many academics frequently attempt to locate socio-political debates in the plays that they review. The search for a debate often ignores the way these plays function within the theatrical event and hit upon conclusions that are invalid and unhelpful. Do these critical practices perpetuate the production of ineffective ‘issues theatre’ by new writers at the expense of honest exploration of social and political themes, and audience numbers? We discussed a recent article that neilson contributed to the guardian in which he articulated his wariness of new writing that attempts to tackle ‘issues’. Neilson expanded upon those ideas in relation to the theme of mental illness that he himself

political standpoint. It’s not really about the institutions around mental illness; it’s a subjective piece rather than an objective piece.” Neilson stressed that dishonesty comes when writers attempt to bring a preferred image of themselves to their plays: “Its hard to judge who is being

honest and who isn’t. I’m more interested in telling deeper truths about humanity and about ourselves.” Neilson highlighted the example of racism, “When you meet young writers in london a lot of them have this as a theme. Pretty much the conclusion they’re going to come to is ‘racism is a bad thing’. You can argue that it can’t be said enough. […] However, i’ve yet to meet anybody who’s completely devoid of any form of racism whatsoever. We all have it culturally in our background in some way or other. Its more our job to actually talk about the unspeakable truths about ourselves. The ways in which we are vaguely racist or vaguely homophobic or vaguely sexist, we all have those elements as part of the human condition. It doesn’t make you a bad person that you have those thoughts or those feelings, its how you act on them or how you combat them, and that for me is a much more interesting area than simply going to see another show that tells me racism is wrong, or the war in iraq is wrong. This to an extent is the business of newspaper columns and documentary news reports, unless you’ve got a very good reason for telling a story or a very good story to tell.” Despite this, the critical establishment often promotes what

neilson calls a ‘debate-thesis’ style of playwriting: “I think critics are constantly battling with their own feelings of redundancy. So they feel if they can be seen as socio-political commentators then that gives them some sort of justification and i think that doing stuff like that allows them to enter into debates that usually only the big boys on column pages can get to talk about.” This is not to say that a play should not seek to instil intellectual debates or that effective exploration of political and social ideas cannot take place on the stage. Neilson argued that what is required is an understanding that within the theatrical event plays are received on a visceral level and that more elaborate intellectual appreciation occurs after a play’s narrative and imagery has been experienced. Conscious of this, Neilson deploys a strategy in his writing and directing that reaches people “on an emotional level rather than a cerebral one. […] It’s a way of scrambling the intellectual responses so the audience, as well as the artist, are not able to bring their preferred self to something. You might like to think that you’re liberal and you might like to think that you see something that shocks, or offends you, or you might see something that you think should shock or offend you

and it doesn’t. You begin to have a debate with yourself within the theatre whilst you’re watching it but you have to keep an eye on what’s going on, on the stage. The result of that is you begin to just open a little to allow things to enter you viscerally. Then hopefully afterwards that’s when you do your processing and that’s when you do your talking about it.” Though provocative in his assessments, Neilson has provided promising solutions for the problems that new writers face as critics continue to employ ‘dogmatic’ approaches to their work.

If you missed out on The Wonderful World of Dissocia at the theatre royal, the tour has headed north and can still be caught at:

Edinburgh: 6/6 - 9/6 Newcastle: 12/6 - 16/6

More information at: www.nationaltheatrescotland.com

> culture

> 35

Wuthering Heights Rasheeda Nalumoso on Theatre Royal's stage adaptation of much loved novel Wuthering Heights

ork Theatre Royal is all set to show Jane Thornton’s adaptation of Emily Brontë’s much loved tale Wuthering Heights in the main house from 2-23 June. After the breath of fresh air that was Anthony Neilson’s The wonderful world of Dissocia we travel to the North York Moors for a classic tale of stormy romance and sexual passion. Yet the key is to treat a classic as if it was a new play and a new play like

a classic is it not? This innovative production will incorporate a balcony set of white truss and have a dreadlocked six foot one Heathcliff (Joel Fry) bounding up and down them like a breakdancer on speed. You get me? Dusty remake of a classic novel this is not. If you feel the adaptation of Emily Bronte’s novel to the stage a risky business trust me this production promises to banish all doubt. The period clad actors have, the direc-

[Jessica Harris (Cathy) and Marshall Lancaster (Linton) in rehersals]

tor Sue Dunderdale is careful to inform me been guided by raw energy. Fight choreographers have been enlisted and the director and her assistant director Kate Lovell traipsed the moors and the Bronte house themselves for some hearty inspirations! Capturing the poor location of the Bronte surroundings a first draft of the play was initially to tell the story from the town of Heworth’s poor weaver population. They would get together to put on a play of the love between Cathy, a young girl and the forbidden love she has for Heathcliff, a ward of her fathers. Although this idea is now scrapped remnants remain in the set ideas. Cathy and Heathcliff grow up on the Moors together from a young age until early adulthood. It all goes downhill when Cathy meets Edgar Linton, the son of a wealthy neighbour, setting off a chain of tragic events. It was not all roses and cucumber sandwiches for the Bronte family. A poor family, they scrapped to get by and meat once a week was a luxury. The desperation and sheer exasperation of her condition fully fed into Emily Bronte’s novels. The novel itself may have

flaws; Virginia Woolf hated that she couldn’t get past the figure of ‘Emily Bronte’ that leapt out at her when reading her novel. Yet the fact that there is so much of Emily Bronte’s self emotionally is the reason this novel is so popular. On stage in this production the use of third person narration, (as in the novel) comes into force as the actors move their own story along. Multiroling should throw up some interesting contrasts. Marshall Lancaster will juggle playing the man who Cathy marries but does not love along with playing her father. Simplicity is key, donning a jacket, putting on a hat and hey presto- character transformation complete. With all actors continuously on stage, movement will be seamless and swift. Specifically choosing a young cast- all under 26- how did casting decisions come about? While we all know that Rupert Penry Jones (Adam from Spooks) was chosen for his ‘sex on legs’ appeal for the ITV Persuasion were Sue’s decisions quite so candid? Well it plays a part she concedes. And lets be honest the Rada trained Joel Fry will definitely bring the goods

as the malcontent and frustrated Heathcliff. Sue has worked with many of her young cast underlining that in the theatre business who you know is as important as what you know. This looks to be brilliant season for the York Theatre Royal and to be part of it you need to see this show! Rasheeda Nalumoso

For the chance to win two free tickets to see Wuthering Heights come to ‘A night of the Movies’, a student Edinburgh fundraiser night of entertainment and live band at Pitcher and Piano, Wed 6 June, 7.30 pm

Reviews Ben Ridgeway and Claudia Stern give their critiques on recent theatrical happenings in York The Cut Drama Barn 20/05/07

n effective set immediately enticed an audience and paved the way for an exciting second production in the barn this term. A terrific granite effect floor helped to maximize an overwhelming impression of sterility and space, making the barn feel high and allowing Matt Springett, playing the lead character (our doctor, Paul) to appear small even before he helped to convey the effect even more so with his acting. In a play concerning secrecy and government conspiracy the barn was allowed to impose on its stage, something that it is often not allowed to do. Lights were also used well, allowing for scene changes were the audience were still forced to focus; on Paul’s blood stained gloves after he has administered ‘the cut’ in one case and on a wonderful reflection of an awkward meal between Paul and his wife Susan (played by Anna Rohde) upon this floor. Springett came across with a superb fragility throughout the production, at times like a quivering baby and a real wreck of a man. Some nice touches of comedy were picked up on and allowed the audience to chuckle in a play rife with nervousness.

His erratic nature throughout gave both cause for trivial laughter and also an overwhelming sense of psychological insecurity. Anna Rohde played Susan with some touches and expressions that seemed genuine enough to make me see her own mother in her. Her scene with Springett accentuated the loneliness of Paul as she bullied him with her ignorance whilst he clinged on to what they presumably once had. As much as this play seems frustrating with it’s ambiguity of what ‘the cut’ was, I dread to think what it would have been if we had been allowed to know. I did leave thinking I would like to read the play and work it out a little. In any case, I also felt that the issues in the play could have been explored more and a development could have been shown. I must say I saw ‘Some Explicit Polaroids’ at The Lowry a few months ago and had similar qualms regarding that, so maybe I just want it bit more depth from Ravenhill himself. In any case, Davies, Gallacher, the rest of the crew and the strong cast should be proud of what was aesthetically and dramatically a very solid production.

✰✰✰✰✰

Nothing but the Truth West Yorkshire Playhouse

12/05/07

en years on from the end of Apartheid in South Africa, Sipho Makhaya and his daughter Thando, are getting by in their small way when the death of Sipho’s exiled brother disturbs the peace. Along with the arrival of his brother’s ashes arrives the brother’s daughter, Mandisa Mackay, as is traditional, she is taken into the home as sister to Thando, but whose modernity jars

[Tony Award winner John Kani is recognised throughout the world as South Africa's greatest stage and film actor]

with the tradition of this family home. Not unlike other plays from this period, Nothing But the Truth, is occupied with the events of the TRC. The Truth and Reconciliation Commission was set up in 1995 as a series of hearings to deal with the horrors of Apartheid. The play’s themes of revisiting the past and accepting the pain which comes with this memory is clearly meant to evoke the process that the TRC was trying to enact across South Africa. The polemic element of the play does mean that it is quite a static script. In its bid to represent the ordinary, the set of a Cape Town house also has this effect of not making it a play of action. The problems that this could cause, however, are overcome mainly in the acting skills of the two young women, particularly, in their moments together and in Kani’s forceful portrayal of Sipho. The movement between the rooms was particularly effective in creating a sense of busy activity. The moments which had the eye dart across the stage were Thando’s interaction with the whiskey bottle; a foreign object, which on various occasions she seals again in a quick and purposeful movement. The need to hide this is then contrasted to the use of the urn of ashes throughout the play. Its arrival is clearly disturbing and Motshabi Tyelele’s purposeful clearing

of the cloth complements the decisive direction to protect the table from these ashes with Mandela’s autobiography, 'Long Walk to Freedom'. This clever choreography of the movement on stage is able to encompass the struggle with modernity within the production. The pace is also set by the crisp and forceful delivery that John Kani gives in the role the patriarch. Unsurprisingly, as a leading figure of South African theatre, it's stand out performance of the play. His remarkable stage presence cannot help draw you into sympathy with Sipho, who does not belong with the classic trope of the freedom fighter, but still belongs to the liberation movement. In a lengthy and impeccably delivered monologue, Sipho describes his rage at this absent brother whose actions towards family and the struggle have left him so angry. The power of holding the urn gripped to the chest, whilst looking out towards the grave of their parents, which has been gestured to throughout the play, was to associate homecoming with revelation. To ground the brother again, his whole story must be told. This crescendo in the piece was moving and painful and could not help but leave its audience members in tears. It was not an easy or hopeful ending but instead one that told us a truth about the New South Africa. CS

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> 36 Books

> books

A festival of fiction uncle for Just Seventeen and Bliss

Now a fully-fledged, Literary crav- magazines. best-selling author, Gayle’s work has been critically acclaimed for its ings unsatisperspicacious wit and frank narraTackling issues of modern masfied? Sam Birch tive. culinity, and breaking down the old boys don’t cry’ barriers, Gayle gives you a taste ‘big is an accessible, humorous writer of talent at the for the David Beckham generation. Humber Mouth Reading a sneak preview of his latest novel, Wish You Were Here,

f you were too exhausted by exams to hit the Hay Festival this year, don’t despair! Just over an hour away by train, Hull’s Humber Mouth Literature Festival runs from June 16th to July 1st, and features the written word in all its forms. Featuring a theatrical rendition of Jackie Kay’s Lamplighter, a series of short films inspired by poetry, and a liberal sprinkling of award-winning book-readings en-route, the Humber Mouth looks set to be a jaw-dropping fortnight. EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT GETTING AN AGENT AND GETTING PUBLISHED . . . BUT NEVER DARED ASK Monday 18th June, 7.30pm Hull Central Library, Albion Street Free Entry Print your proof, pick up your pen, pluck up some courage, and get yourself down to Hull Central Library for a face-to-face with Simon Trewin, agent to the likes of Jimmy Carr, Simon Kerr and Mike Gayle. Savvy and successful, could it be a coincidence that Gayle and Kerr are also to be found at the tip of the Humber Mouth tongue? We think not . . . MIKE GAYLE Saturday 23rd June, 1pm Zest, 17-19 Newland Avenue £5 tickets from Zest (01482) 446200 Perhaps the least recognisable of the lad-lit trio of triumph - which includes Daily Mirror columnistcum-novelist Tony Parsons, and creator of Hugh Grant flick About A Boy, Nick Hornby - Mike Gayle has grown up since his days as agony

Gayle tells what happens when 35-year-old Charlie Mansell’s longterm, co-habiting girlfriend Sarah leaves, and his best mates whisk him off to Malia in an attempt to mend his broken heart. A story of love, friendship and growing up, there is wisdom amongst the wit. JEAN ‘BINTA’ BREEZE & CLARE POLLARD Tuesday 19th June, 8pm Zest, 17-19 Newland Avenue £5 tickets from Zest: (01482) 446200

A performance poet of international standing, and recognised as the first female dub poetry performer, Jean ‘Binta’ Breeze brings a change of pace to the festival, with an energetic and rhythmic expression of her text. Born and raised in Jamaica, but living and working in Kingston, Binta’s poetry moves fluidly between dialects, articulating self-awareness in the sense of the psychology of her personal experience, and in the sense of the art form referencing itself. Meanwhile, Clare Pollard’s starkly contemporary writing style takes a tipsy trip over the stereotypical romantic poet, stabs her prose with a stiletto heel, and reels out modern, candid lyricism about everything from sex, drugs and alcohol to celebrity and consumerism. Intelligently phrased but unabashedly honest, this is not an event for the faint-hearted. JOANNE HARRIS Wednesday 20th June, 1pm Hull Central Library, Albion Street Free Entry If you went to see Pirates 3 just for Captain Jack, but couldn’t afford

a packet of Minstrels to accompany it, then come and worship this lady. As author of Chocolat, Joanne Harris is famous for giving the world Johnny Depp and chocolate, at no extra charge; and her visit to Hull puts the cocoa-based icing on the cake with a reading of longawaited sequel The Lollipop Shoes. Returning to Vianne (now calling herself Yanne) and Anouk’s life five years post-Chocolat, it’s looking even less like a chocolate box than it did when she first opened her chocolaterie’s doors during Lent. Depp’s hero Roux is out of the picture (put away the scandalised look - Harris promises his reappearance), leaving behind four-year-old daughter Rosette, and it isn’t long before the enigmatic Zozie whirls into town. Vivacious and charming, Zozie quickly befriends the disillusioned Anouk, but what

Book Reviews Suite Française Irène Némirovsky Vintage (£7.99)

icking up Suite Française by Irène Némirovsky, I was, as any other reader might be, lulled into the supposition that this would be another love story set

amidst the tumultuous backdrop of the Second World War. However, this is indeed a case of “never judge a book by its cover”. For Suite Française is indeed a love story – but it also transcends this description to surprise the reader with i t s passionate, emotive and thought-provoking tale. Set in France, the novel traverses the dramatic cityscape of Paris under German attack and the relative tranquility of an occupied rural village, introducing well-written, individual characters along the way. The story is a montage of different situations; we jump from the tale of Gabriel, a sullen, argumentative writer, loath to flee Paris as the bombs literally drop around him, to the plight of the Péricands, as their young son disappears to join the army, leaving

seems like an innocent friendship takes a dark turn, when her true, possessive nature is revealed . . . AN AUDIENCE WITH . . . WILL SELF Thursday 21st June, 8pm Pave, 16-20 Princes Avenue £5 tickets from Pave: (01482) 333181 The bad-boy of satire (alleged), ex-journalist Will Self is best known for his infamous sacking by the Observer for purportedly snorting heroin in the bathroom of Tony Blair’s private jet. This image is one that Self has sustained in his writing, with short story collections such as Tough Tough Toys for Tough Tough Boys consciously per-

Winkie in his wake an increasingly disjointed family. In this quick-paced, semi-autobiographical novel, Némirovsky effectively recreates the horrors of war for those left at home – wives, children, and resentful elderly relations. But beneath the devastation of war and personal loss, their humanity remains intact. They love, grieve, laugh and cry, and most importantly, the bonds of family and friendship are strengthened as each character fights their own personal demons. Whilst I was expecting a touching love story, I found so much more – a beautifully written novel, with a deliberately fragmented style which truly reflects the social and personal upheaval that so characterised this period of European history. LAURA TURNER

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Clifford Chase Hodder and Stoughton

n ‘extraordinary satire on the war on terror’ cries the press release for Winkie, the debut novel from New Yorker Clifford Chase. However, with its childhood sensibilities, questionable illustrations and outlandish premise, is Winkie really an Animal Farm for the 21st Century as its publishers so desperately want us to believe? Well, it’s alright. Winkie follows the exploits of its eponymous hero, a mangy teddy

petuating

this

perception.

Often deemed obscene and deplorable, but as frequently riotously funny, Self ’s writing has hit literary headlines almost as hard as his political misdemeanour, and his latest outing, The Book of Dave, is no exception. Surreal yet grounded, the book explores a menagerie of contemporary subjects, from genetic modification to divorce, drugs to depression, in a manner both explicit and shrewd. If the combination of Harris’s melt-in-your-mouth prose, The History Wardrobe’s Mr. Darcy and Breeze’s rhythmic poetry have left you hungry for more, further details can be found at www.humbermouth.org.uk. SAM BIRCH

bear that gets – wait for it – put on trial for terrorism. No, really, come back! That’s genuinely what it’s about. I know, I know, it doesn’t sound like much but somehow it works. Clifford Chase has created a light-hearted satire which rarely hits the big targets it seems to be aiming for. Regardless, the language of the novel frequently proves an unexpected treat. Cleverly composed in the style of a children’s book, it often borders on the poetic with a winningly naïve approach. Admittedly, it’s hard to get to grips with a protagonist that is – let’s be honest – a teddy bear accused of murder. However, the farcical nature of the narrative gently edges things forward leaving the reader in a state of mild enjoyment rather than recoiling from a biting wit. Whilst Winkie lacks the real edge and purpose to deliver on its Python-esque opening, it remains that rare thing, a failed allegory that can still be enjoyed simply as a work of fiction. Oddly alluring. DANTE SMITH

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> 37

> books

Dead Man Writing J.R.R. Tolkien. Daphne Du Maurier. Douglas Adams. What do they all have in common? Naomi Lever investigates.

ne a methodical academic who penned the most famous fantasy trilogy in the English language and became obsessed with his invented pseudo-Nordic world; one a Cornish authoress of numerous haunting, horrifying romances who harboured rumoured sapphic tendencies; one a zany academic whose wild imagination came up with a singing whale, depressed androids and double-headed galactic presidents. Initially it would seem that these three writers are as disparate as chalk and cheese. Yet there’s one rather morbid fact that unites them: posthumous publication. Earlier this year saw the release of The Children of Hurin, which HarperCollins described as “a revelation for millions of fans around the world”. Yet I can’t help feeling that it could also be described as the literary equivalent of finding Leonardo Da Vinci’s doodles, patching them together and selling the result as the new Mona Lisa. This is not to impugn the quality of the work; no, it’s just a slightly cynical comment on the convenient timing of the release of several cobbledtogether manuscripts that have been lying dormant in Tolkien’s desk for fifty years. Post Oscarstorming Peter Jackson trilogy, I wonder if Christopher Tolkien had his eye on a jaunt to New Zealand, a sports car or even a new kitchen. Scepticism can also be cast upon the release of Daphne Du Maurier’s short story ‘And His Letters Grew Colder’. Discovered by self-confessed Du Maurier fanatic Ann Willmore, the story emerged in Fowey, the Cornish town which happens this year to be hosting the 11th annual Du Maurier festival on the centenary of her birth. This tale, a piece of juvenilia that was scandalously raunchy for its era, and the according publicity could just generate a bit of business for the two local bookshops owned by Ms Willmore. Perhaps that is a rather too condemning verdict; the reviews of The Children of Hurin have for the most part been glowing. Far darker than either The Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit, it deals with the decidedly more adult themes of suicide and incest. Christopher Tolkien insists that the entirety is his father’s work: he has merely assembled unfinished drafts and manuscripts into a coherent narrative. It appears to have been a painstaking endeavour: he has been working on it for thirty years, during which time various extracts from the text have been published elsewhere. Since his death, Tolkien fans have been endlessly hunting through his desk drawers for something more, something undiscovered. It’s the natural reaction when someone is lost: to try and regain a part of what is gone. The excitement generated by the new novel is testament to this: The Children of Hurin is now nestled comfortably in

TIPPED FOR THE TOP Ever wondered who America's next top author is going to be...? Well, now Granta has come up with a few young writers who are tipped for the top.

ohnny Borrell has spent his whole life watching it; countless have spent their whole lives reading it. America has famously produced some of the greatest writers of all time: think Nathaniel Hawthorne, Ernest Hemingway … Dr. Seuss. Yet whilst many have encountered forty candles on a birthday cake before meeting with critical acclaim, I would urge each student Steinbeck to refrain from closing his laptop and retiring his pen for the next decade; a new list published by Granta to celebrate the ‘Best of Young American Authors’ offers definitive proof that age need not be a prerequisite for authorial ability.

the top ten of just about every bestseller list. So is this resurrection of dead authors, a kind of literary necromancy, about to become the latest fashion in the world of publishing? Or is it already? Also a fixture in the paperback bestseller lists is French author Irene Nemirovsky’s incomplete ‘quintet’, Suite Francaise. Following her death in the concentration camps, this series is in fact two books, Storm in June and Dolce, published in one cover and translated earlier this year. The novels deal with French resistance to the Nazi occupation and the resultant human tragedy. They are beautifully written and would have been poignant tales anyway. Yet the appendices at the back, Nemirovsky’s diaries and the corresponde n c e of her increasi n g l y frantic husband, trying to find his wife after she was deported to Poland, render the novels even more resonant. A g a i n , Suite Francaise b e g a n very much as a family affair: daughter Denise Epstein, like Christopher Tolkien, began typing out her mother’s long-ignored notebooks with the intention of readying them for cataloguing in a French archive and has produced what many early readers are calling a masJ.erpiece. . While these authors and their estates are enjoying, as it were, a new lease of life, the taste for posthumous

publication has never been out of fashion. Dating back to the fourteenth century, just about every writer since Chaucer and his Canterbury Tales, has had unfinished or unpublished works dragged out of their hiding places. Jane Austen never saw Northanger Abbey or Persuasion published; Charles Dickens’ The Mystery of Edwin Drood remains a semi-complete mystery; virtually the entire oeuvres of Emily Dickinson and Wilfred Owen were published after their deaths. The list is endless. And inevitably so; It would be a rather ridiculous notion to suppose that writers would neatly pop their clogs after finishing their last novel. Unfinished scraps and doodles must cover their desks throughout their lives. So, posthumous publication is nothing out of the ordinary. What is unusual is the remarkable gap in between Tolkien, D u Maurier a n d Nemirovsky’s deaths, and their works being resur-

rected. Whilst it is consoling to see recently deceased authors produce another story that will last beyond the grave, it is nothing less than incredible to see long-dead authors re-emerge. Rather like a pleasant dawn of the dead, an attack by benevolent zombies who want nothing more than to make you a nice cup of tea. And of course, the archeological adventure plays a part. Discovering a new, secret Tolkien novel must have been the literary equivalent of Indiana Jones unearthing the Holy Grail. And although cynics will look suspiciously at the anniversaries and Hollywood adaptations that generate more publicity for the hitherto lost books, even they admit that it’s an exciting time for literature when w r i t e r s really will never say die.

Uzodinma Iweala A child of the (admittedly early) 80s, Uzodinma Iweala is the youngest author to be honoured by Granta. Yet youth does not imply frivolity, as Iweala’s debut novel attests. Beasts of No Nation relates the troubling tale of Agu, a young boy born into an unspecified but war-torn African country. A desperate desire for a renewed sense of belonging following his father’s brutal murder propels Agu into the arms of a guerrilla leader and the treacherous life of a child-soldier. Despite having experienced life in the literary limelight, this autumn will see the return of Harvard-graduate Iweala to the Ivy League when he enrols at the medical school of Columbia University. However, if creative capability translates to diagnostic aptitude, expect to see Iweala’s hometown of Washington D.C. seize the title of ‘America’s Healthiest’ within the imminent future. Karen Russell The inclusion of Karen Russell amongst the award winners provides the element of controversy essential to any self-respecting shortlist. Visitors to Granta’s website have registered surprise that one can be lauded as a novelist without, in fact, being a novelist Russell’s sole publication to date has been the collection of short stories, St. Lucy’s Home for Girls Raised by Wolves. As the title suggests, fantasy conquers fact in these ten tales of adolescent anxiety set amongst the Floridian Everglades; the ‘Home’ of the title story is a school catering for the antisocial issue of werewolf parents, whilst ‘Haunting Olivia’ provides a memorable account of two young brothers’ sub aqua search for the ghost of their drowned sister. Work is already underway on Russell’s debut novel Swamplandia! and, technical disentitlement aside, with the incredible imagination and descriptive capability demonstrated in her short stories, Russell is a worthy recipient of Granta’s praise. Kevin Brockmeier At 34, Kevin Brockmeier is the veritable Methuselah of Granta’s award winners, a fact to which the sheer volume of his canon pays tribute. Presumably keen to sidestep the criticism levelled at Karen Russell, Brockmeier has ensured eligibility for all possible literary awards; a trilogy of children’s books and his own collection of short stories compliment the two novels he has authored. If Russell’s characters line the borders between animal and human, the living and the dead, those in Brockmeier’s The Brief History of the Dead are relegated to two apparently separate spheres; appropriately-named protagonist Laura Byrd is a conservationist who, as the lone survivor of a world-ravishing virus, seeks solace in reminiscence. Meanwhile, a concurrent and surprisingly interrelated narrative examines the existence and disappearance of the inhabitants of ‘the City’, Brockmeier’s contemporary reimagining of an almost Dantean afterlife. In total Granta’s list celebrates twenty one authors; not one has yet reached his 36th birthday and all faithfully uphold the reputation for storytelling thoroughly deserved by the land of Free Willy and the home of the Brave New World.

[J R Tolkien: Dead, but still smokin']

RACHEL ALLENBY

> 38

> listings

Listings

York Proms Rowntree Park

One of the largest outdoor music events in Yorkshire with musicians, dancers and street performers, culminating in a film orchestra playing a variety of music So grab your Pimms and sandwiches, and let's all pray for nice weather

Your comprehensive guide to the weeks ahead. Don't thank us, just go out and have a fabulous time. And remember kids, play safe...

week

WEDNESDAY

SUNDAY 06/06

We'll Meet Again Grand Opera House

Top value comedy (£7 for students) in the centre of town. Some big names have graced the club in the past, so pop along and spot yourself some future stars.

Relive the camradre of the Blitz (remember that?) in this cavalcade of an event, featuring a host of comedians, singers and musicians performing the songs of Bing Crosby, I've seen her naked! Twice! Art Brut play Leeds on 18th June Vera Lynn, and George Formby.

£5/6 8pm

The ‘Walkie Talkie Man’ band apparently have other tunes and consequently bring their antipodian hardcore rap-rock to Fibbers. With support from the City Dukes and Breakout Project.

THURSDAY

07/06

SATURDAY

09/06

Wentfest Wentworth

£4/5 6.30pm

GSA event open to everyone. With live music from campus pirates Make It Better Later, Afro Levy, jazz and acoustic sets. Plus it’s the award winning Wentworth chef doing the barbecue, so you shouldn’t get food-poisoning.

FRIDAY

08/06

IIFA Fringe Events York City Centre

Colin Fry Grand Opera House

£8 7pm

Lovely Swedish indie pop comes to Leeds, with support from Sky Larkin and Lawrence of Arabia. Should be sweeter and tastier than an afternoon tea at Bettys.

Leeds Wireless Festival £35-105 Harewood House

Blackmore’s Night Grand Opera House

£22.50 8pm

Madrigal/rock fusion from the guitarist from Deep Purple. People in silly trousers saying hey-nonny-nonny. How could that not be fun?

13/06

Former Child Star + Guests Cert.18 8pm Perhaps if MYSPACE was not a PIECE OF SHIT, I’d be able to tell you about this band. But hey, why not go check them out for yourself ? It might well be better than Ziggys.

Possibly the last chance to see robot rockers Daft Punk live, with a homecoming for the Kaiser Chiefs on 16th May. The White Stripes, QOTSA and Air play on the Friday. On the other hand, this is doubtless the biggest cash-in of the summer's festivals, so leave your ethical high horse in York. Turn to page 28 for your chance to win a pair of tickets for free.

week

MONDAY 18/06 Art Brut Leeds Cockpit

7pm

£9

Hey, look at them, they formed a band. Brash, arch art pop comes to Leeds. Altogether now: Art Brut: Top of the Pops!

WEDNESDAY 20/06 Hell Is Fibbers

For

Heroes £10 7pm

Unleash your inner mosher at the Kerrang Most Wanted Tour.

THURSDAY 21/06 The Fibbers

Thrills

£10/12 7pm

Irish Beach Boy inspired popsters come to York. It must be officially summer then.

SATURDAY 23/06 Woodstock Vanbrugh Paradise

FREE

Support your campus bands. Sit in the sun. Get crunked on warm Carlsberg. Hurrah!

All times, prices and events correct at time of writing. Vision cannot be held responsible for any poor nights out as a result of reading this section. Learn to make your own fun!

14/06

10/06 £14 8pm

Rescheduled date for the singer-songwriter, supporting his new album ‘King of Cards’. Well received intelligent, altrock with influences from Nick Drake, Nick Cave, and Bob Dylan.

Fancy a bit of a dance? Incapable of freestyling? Scared by salsa? Then Ceilidh might just be for you. Entry price includes light refreshments. And you don’t even have to bring a partner.

week

15-17 JUNE

12/06

THURSDAY SUNDAY

£18.50 York Ceilidh Club £2.50 8pm St Aelred’s Church Hall, Fifth 7.30pm Avenue

The ‘esteemed clairvoyant’ and ‘head of International College of Spiritual Science and Healing’ brings his ‘amazing powers’ to the Grand Opera House. Too bad he didn’t appear as part of the bill on Wednesday - doubtless there are countless old dears seeking to reconnect with Glenn Miller.

The Concretes Leeds Cockpit

£12.50 Refectory

Winning combination of three brothers playing AngloAmerican indie rock. Plus you can take bets on how long it takes Ryan Jarman to horrifically injure himself whilst on stage.

Tom McRae All day Leeds Cockpit

York plays host to the fringe events of the Indian International Film Awards, taking place this weekend in Sheffield. I hope they have free curry

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

The Cribs Eve Zoelenner £5 Leeds University National Centre for Early Music 8pm 1pm Multimedia recital of modern works for, and arranged for accordian by Eva Zoellner, including selections from Steve Reich, Bent Sorensen, and Gordon Kampe.

17/06

The Other Side Comedy Club City Screen 7.30pm

8pm

Steriogram Fibbers

£15/9 3pm

MONDAY Velvet Revolver Manchester Apollo

11/06 £29.50 8pm

Rock supergroup plays Manchester. Once described as “the best rock n roll band left on the planet”. That's as may be, but are they worth £29.50 of your hard-earned loan?

Pull Tiger Tail Fibbers 8pm

£6.50/8

Infectious tribute to Brit-Pop fresh out of Stratford Upon Avon, complete with catchy guitar-pop tunes. Support comes in the shape of To My Boy and Pint Shot Riot. And if you miss them tonight, or just really, really like them, then you can travel to Leeds tomorrow night where they play The Cockpit. Score.

FRIDAY

15/06

The Dumb Waiter York Theatre Royal

Photo by Marius Hansen £5 NUS 7.45pm

Feeling cultured? You've got 2 more days to catch Pinter's classic The Dumb Waiter in York. And with tickets at only a fiver for students, is there really any thing better to do on a Friday night?

SATURDAY

16/06

Outsider Music Night City Screen Basement 8pm

£3 Bar

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Should be interesting...

Photo by Andy Wilsher The Concretes and The Cribs. Both have a C in their names. That's where the similarities end.

YORK VISION

SPORT

Thursday June 7, 2007

Campus' most passionate sports columnist

Robert Romans

Why Leeds United aren't living the dream anymore 8th May 2001: Gaizka Mendieta’s 52nd minute goal sealed a 3-0 win for Valencia and sent Leeds United out of the UEFA Champions League semi-finals. Little did the Leeds fans know that that night at the Estadio Mestalla triggered one of the most spectacular declines ever witnessed in English football.

An abrupt exit from the Champions league, and failure to qualify for the competition during the 2000/2001 season, saw Leeds United move from basking dangerously in the rhetoric of former Chairman Peter Risdale’s saying “Living the dream” to a hangover from which Leeds United will take some time to sober up. Leeds United are the archetypal fallen giant; nowadays, the club depicts an individual once of highesteem, fame and worthy achievement reduced to a Guttersnipe who falls drunkenly out of bars and wakes up the following morning on a rubbish heap with their trousers missing. The glory days they once experienced in the era of Don Revie will probably never return; just like Nottingham Forest, they have been reduced to a side that live on the former glories achieved by past masters like Bremner, Hunter, Lorimer and Eddie Gray. Following the 1-1 draw against Ipswich Town at Elland Road which left Leeds on the brink of relegation, manager Dennis Wise accepted the responsibility for Leeds descent into the third tier of English football; even in the darkest moments of life, a bright light that accepts responsibility outshines the ill-judged and ignorant views of former Leeds Chairman Risdale who feels that he and his board are not responsible for the club falling into over £100 million

worth of debt. The Champions league qualification failures of 2001 and 2002 led to dire financial consequences for Leeds; Risdale attempted to bankroll new signings based on loans which would be paid back from their share of revenue gained from competing amongst Europe's elite. The consequence was a firestorm of financial instability which burnt its way through the club leaving a trail of spectacular destruction. David O’Leary was sacked by Risdale in June 2002 and was replaced by Terry Venables. The euphoria generated by Venables’ arrival quickly disintegrated as Leeds slipped down the Premiership and exited the UEFA Cup to Malaga. Venables left Leeds in March 2003, along with Risdale, and was replaced by Peter Reid. Risdale was replaced by Professor John McKenzie but in October 2003, Leeds faced pre-tax losses of £49.5 million for the year ending June 2003. Leeds avoided administration after signing an agreement with the creditors before McKenzie vacated his post. As Leeds slithered from one financial disaster to another, the situation on the pitch got progressively worse. Following the 6-1 defeat at Portsmouth which anchored Leeds to the bottom of the Premiership, Reid’s 22 game reign at Leeds came to an abrupt end. He was replaced by former Leeds player Eddie Gray who oversaw United’s descent into the Championship. A locally-based consortium led by Gerald Krasner sealed a £30 million takeover of the club in March 2004, but by November that year, Leeds’ ground Elland Road had been sold on a sale-and-lease-back agreement after Sebastien Sainsbury’s attempted buy-out failed. Relegation to the Championship and the financial crisis that had

engulfed the club led to the sale of players and promising youth team players of any value. Leeds had to acclimatise to life in the second tier of English football under inexperienced manager Kevin Blackwell who brought in experienced players on free transfers and low wages and guided Leeds to a comfortable mid-table finish in 2005. In January 2005, Krasner was succeeded by Ken Bates. In the 2005/06 season, life at Leeds appeared to have improved and the club made the play-off final, which they lost 3-0 to Watford. With Leeds expected to make a return to the Premiership in the 2006/07 season, Leeds’ season got off to a dreadful start and Blackwell, who announced that the club would be debt free within a year, was sacked and replaced by Dennis Wise, who failed to save Leeds from relegation to League One. Following a 11 draw with Ipswich Town, which left Leeds on the brink of relega-

tion, and needing to win their final game of the season 8-0 and for Hull to lose. Bates was forced to place the club into administration, incurring a 10 point penalty which left Leeds going into their final game at Derby County with 36 points - 13 points behind 21st placed Hull City - thus confirming Leeds’ descent to League one. Leeds are not the first big club to fall to the murky depths of League One; Sheffield Wednesday were relegated to League one in 2003, and the following season recorded their lowest league finish in 30 years. Wednesday struggled to acclimatise to life in League one and were viewed as a scalp for clubs like Hartlepool; given the nature of Leeds’ decline, Dennis Wise's side will appear to be a bigger target than Sheffield Wednesday, and will find trips to Hartlepool and Doncaster equally as tough as Wednesday did. Sheffield Wednesday and

Nottingham Forest have both discovered that the road back to the Championship is a long and bumpy one, littered with potholes in places like Cheltenham and Yeovil. For a club of Leeds’ stature, such potholes will give a potentially uncomfortable ride. Asking those at Hillsborough and the City Ground for a few tips about how to soften the ride of the turbulent life in League one will offer some, if limited, levels of comfort for Leeds fans. A midweek trip to Carlisle United in the winter will illustrate that adopting a Peter Risdale philosophy of “living the dream” will show that even the mighty can fall to unprecedented levels of despair and decline they thought they would never witness. If anyone is going to be “living the dream”, it will be the fans in the away stand at Elland Road next season.

IAN HOLLOWAY TALKS TO VISION'S ROBERT ROMANS Ian Holloway has been at Plymouth Argyle since last summer and he is striving to transform the West Country outfit into a Premiership one. Firm foundations were laid by Holloway’s predecessors, and Argyle’s recent development is proof that they have found their catalyst to continue the construction of Devon’s highest-placed football club. Holloway plans to make Argyle a Premiership force, but appreciates the difficulties in doing so considering the ever-widening financial gulf between the Premiership and Championship: “I think that we would come down like most teams do but we would have the money to start building” remarked Holloway on his team’s chances of survival if they went up. The City of Plymouth is located in a picturesque area of the country, but Holloway has had trouble attracting talent. “I didn’t believe that would be a problem but yes it is.”, complained

Holloway on the difficulties of enticing players to deepest darkest Devon. Promotion is on the agenda next season and the 2007/08 calender will see Argyle play Bristol City – the rivals of Holloway’s beloved Bristol Rovers. “It’s the closest team to us so it’s good not to have to do much travelling.” commented Holloway on next season’s trip to Ashton Gate; obviously holding back the venom. Whilst Bristol City remains one obstacle, another to overcome will be the financial muscle of the bigger clubs in the Championship and those that have been relegated from the Premiership. “I believe we have to move forward - we will need to improve to get anything like we got this year. I think the division is going to be harder. "Hopefully, we will be able to add to what we’ve got and convince the people of the local area we are a force to be reckoned with. I’m very optimistic but realistic.”

Holloway’s Argyle team will have to compete against the likes of Charlton Athletic and Wolves next season – the former relegated from the Premiership and the latter boasting a reported artillery of £30,000,000 to spend on new players. Plymouth's boss has previously been known for coming out with spontaneous, outlandish statements. In a recent interview, Holloway remarked that he’d had the number 12 (the number allocated on the Plymouth squad list in recognition of the fans) sewn on to his pajamas in honour of the fans he serves. Was this actually true? “Absolutely not”. Holloway is known in managerial circles as something of a maverick. On October 10th 2006 he turned out for the Pilgrims in a league fixture, due to an injury crisis in the first team. He has since vowed not to return to playing, and has so far kept his promise.

classic QUOTATIONS > I have such bad luck at the moment that if I fell in a barrel of boobs I’d come out sucking my thumb! > I’m as chuffed as a badger at the beginning of the mating season. > I call us the Orange club, because our future’s bright!”

40 SPORT

SPORTS SHORTS Jo Carter cycles to Amsterdam for charity

Today York’s AU President Elect, Jo Carter, will be completing her sponsored bike ride to Amsterdam. The four day trip is in aid of the Marie Curie cancer fund and is targeting to raise £10 000. Starting on Saturday night, Jo rode to Hull where she took the overnight ferry to Rotterdam and from there she rode on to Amsterdam. Prior to the event Jo had had little time to train due to her finishing her degree. However she did manage to get in a 25 mile round trip to Selby, which left her with ‘a sore bum!’

wicked WHISPERS Rumour has it that Vision Sport legend Darius Austin has been drafting in other college's players to play in Goodricke's 5-a-side football team. So, if you're a member of Goodricke College and are wondering why you're not making the team when people you've never seen before are, your questions may well have just been answered. Shame on you Darius!

YORK VISION

CRICKET WORLD CUP

Thursday June 7, 2007

Kristy Harper recalls her memories of the 2007 Cricket World Cup in Antigua...

As I walked through the great, green turnstiles of the newly built Sir Vivian Richards cricket ground in Antigua, it completely met my expectations. Rum punch served with more rum than mixer, steel drum bands with over-enthusiastic dancers, on stilts may I add, and BBQ ribs galore.

However, I slowly came to realise that the locals were not watching the cricket. In Timo sports, a small rib house, I heard many a story of the crazy dancers and instrumental performances from the Caribbean cricket supporters, yet - where were the instruments? As the crowd started to cheer for Bangladesh verses Australia I thought nothing of it, until I saw a long list of rules presented by the ICC on the wall of stand 202. We weren’t allowed to rest our feet on any seat (c’mon! Sitting through eight hours of cricket numbs your bum slightly), shout expletives (which I thought were rules of play at Headingley), nor bring instruments into the stadium. Not exactly what I’d hoped. The cricket was about to start - Australia choose to field first and the crowd went mad. The sun kissed Australian crowd all dressed in yellow start to banter with the British, who were out numbered. Throughout the day, more rum punches were consumed and the banter became more heated, but all in good humour. India had been knocked out by Bangladesh so the match was more than predictable, but the Aussies didn’t mind. They left slowly but surely, some more coherent than others, with a victory. The next match was England verses Sri Lanka. We planned to leave as early as possible to beat the queues but the 9.15 flight from Gatwick had clearly been overcrowded and hundreds more British fans had

World Cup final captains Ponting and Jayawardene pose with the trophy before the match

stepped into the Antiguan heat with their pasty skin making the banter even more hilarious between the Aussies and the Pommies. So, after 3 subways, 8 rum punches, some intense sunburn and 90 uneventful overs, the game was about to be decided by the last ball. Dilhara Fernando runs up to bowl and stops, the crowd go absolutely mental shouting every expletive under the burning sun, or as the elderly lady in front of us would have said “how sportsmanlike”. England needed 3 runs from the final ball, the crowd waiting with bated breath let out a collective moan as Fernando sent Ravi Bopara’s bails flying with a perfect yorker. Another defeat for England as expected. We head back with our heads hung low towards the hotel bar

when, out the corner of my eye I see a gaggle of leprechauns. At first you think ‘ah maybe I’ve had too many rum punches’, but on closer inspection it was actually five full size Irishmen, all still in their leprechaun outfits from the match (beard, baggy pants and all), singing Danny Boy in five part harmony. Only at the cricket world cup! Now, you may think that sounds rather strange, but when you throw in dancing penguins in the party stand swimming pool, king Arthur and his knights shaking their swords in the motion of a four, and giant inflatable kangaroos scattered around the cricket stadium, the leprechauns seem to fit in nicely. Whilst watching the sunset in the Caribbean to harmonising leprechauns, I realised that, although England were losing (and

Ireland even more so) the atmosphere was anything but bitter. After lazing around on Galleon beach for three days, Sunday night came – a night where all the locals watch the sunset at Shirley Heights, dance to a steel drum band and nosh on the best BBQ food I’ve experienced. I managed a few hours sleep, which was more than most, before the match of the holiday: England verses Australia. I decided to soak up the sun as the factor fifty had prevented much of a tan and sit with a bunch of rowdy Brits opposite the party stand. To be honest, after Kevin Pietersen, the saviour of the England cricket team, reached his first of two world cup centuries, the cricket faded into insignificance as the banter with the Aussies took over. As I had started the chants, I was picked up by a muscled Australian dressed as a gumnut baby (characters from a book my mother used to read to me when I was but a wee bairn) and taken to a crowd of men who wouldn’t let me go until England had lost. This didn’t take long may I add! Despite another loss for England, the Aussies and the Pommies headed for the Mad Mongoose, a bar in the lively town of English Harbour, to drink the night away. Although the England cricket team didn’t provide the British fans with as exciting a tournament as the 2005 Ashes, the atmosphere, food, Australians, all the other cricket lovers, geography, many a lift home singing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ in the hire car and some excellent people made the whole experience a memorable one. Anyone hoping to go to the cricket World Cup in the future should just do it. I hope, along with the singing Aussies and pasty Brits, that I will be writing about my experience of the next World Cup in 2011.

College Cup race blown wide open Competition favourites Goodricke 1sts have been dumped out of the College Cup, as the action reaches the latter stages. Having retained their college league title, and boasting the highest number of players from the university's 1st XI, the side were predicted to stroll the charity competition. However, a narrow loss in the group stages to a strong Alcuin side was followed in the knockout stage by a 0-2 defeat to Derwent 1sts, who must now be tipped to go on and win the cup.

Andrew Symonds hits a four as England wicketkeeper Paul Nixon watches on

YORK VISION

SPORT

Thursday June 7, 2007

COLLEGE CRICKET: LEAGUE FAVOURITES DEFEATED AGAIN

BY GEORGE TAYLOR On Friday the Derwent 1sts cricket team were given their first opportunity to make up for their defeat last week, when they faced Wentworth. However, their slump continued as an uncharacteristically strong graduate outfit bested them both physically and verbally. Wentworth were first to bat, posting what looked an over-par score of 136/8 with Affaq (26)Holmes (23) and Issaq (21 not out) the main contributors. Derwent have several players who spend most of their time in the university teams, and the early bowling figures reflected their experience. The impressive Lewis (4 - 15 - 3) and Cox (4 - 12 - 2) did early damage, but Derwent looked decidedly average in the field. They dropped six catches in all, permitting Wentworth to amass a hefty total. College cricket is well known for its friendly atmosphere and banter, but spectating Goodricke cricketer Nick Waite thought that the sledging taking place was ‘not in the spirit of the game.’ During the Wentworth innings, the batters were heard to heckle the Derwent fielders, shouting out loudly whenever a catch was attempted. The half-dozen misfields suggest that the calls of ‘drop it!’ severely affected Derwent’s performance, and set the tone for the second innings. With Derwent facing an uphill battle from the start, the Wentworth captain had the luxury of being able to set a deep field to cut off the boundaries that the batsmen so dearly needed. However, when Gul brought Holmes on to bowl, controversy struck. AU Vice President and Derwent cricketer Nick Hassey complained that Holmes was ineligible to play. Gul responded by removing Holmes from the attack, despite the fact that the player had notched up 23 runs and already bowled two overs. His withdrawal would seem to suggest Hassey was right, but the fact that his runs still stood may have left Derwent feeling aggrieved. To add to the controversy Wentworth were again resigned to removing another bowler from the attack under accusations of an illegal action, with objections led again by Hassey.

T I P O DR

COLLEGE USE DIRTY TACTICS AS THEY CRUSH TOP DOGS BY 39 RUNS

wentworth 136 derwent 97 97/8 off their 20 overs, with Lake (26) and Hassey (21) top scoring, and Issaq, Mudaza and Affaq getting the wickets.

In truth, Derwent lost the game when they allowed Wentworth to build the first innings total they did, though the manner of their defeat

Photo by ALEX PAPUSHOY will have left a bitter aftertaste. Derwent are more used to boasting about an impressive winning streak, but they will need to wake up

Photo by XAVIER NITSCH

Gone with the wind

> Breezy battle ends in James victory BY LAUREN COCKBILL Monday 28th May saw the battle of the mid-table teams in the college tennis competition. Vanbrugh in 4th place took on James in 5th place. The tennis was never going to be a spectacle due to the extremely blustery conditions. The wind sent balls flying, then dropping short and the players’ throw ups on their serves were swirling

all over the place. Nevertheless it made for an amusing game, albeit a frustrating one. James’ number one couple, James Evans and Lauren Cockbill, continued their winning streak: they only dropped two games in three sets. The number two pair of Sam Cartwright and Dianne Cowland were equally as successful. winning all three of their rubbers. Over the season the couple have gone from strength to strength, improv-

ing every week and the results have been clear for James to see. The third couple of Lawrence Lundy and Charlotte Gaughan, playing together for the first time, managed to win the seventh rubber against Joe Spedding and Joanna Gretham, which gave James a convincing 7-2 victory. The Vanbrugh couples of Ollie Reagan and Marieke Hampshire and Josh Beale and Lily Barker each won one of the Vanbrugh rubbers.

to the task ahead. Minds will have to be concentrated to avoid a humiliating third defeat in a row.

Old guard on top in AU elections BY ALEX RICHMAN Last week saw a raft of familiar faces elected to the Athletic Union board for 2007/8.

Jack Kennedy is to be the new AU Vice President and will oversee college sport, with his main aims being the introduction of more women’s sports and a raft of new one-day tournaments. Kennedy has held a wealth of experience, having worked as Goodricke Sports officer. After this year’s successful reintroduction of a college swimming gala and new favourites such as rugby sevens, Kennedy hopes to add even more diverse events to the calendar. Rich Croker will be the new AU treasurer, whose extensive campus CV includes a two-year stint as Derwent Volleyball captain, will bring vast experience to the role,

Above: Kennedy ponders the AU's future having also previously served on both the SU and AU Finance Committees. This year could prove to be a bountiful one for university sport, as YUSU’s budget swells in a year where Roses takes place in Lancaster. It was recently revealed that the AU will receive a £10,000 windfall to support university clubs. Kennedy looks on course to deliver sporting success to Goodricke this year, with his college in the race to be champions.

42 SPORT

! O H N I D L A N DO

member the game as his farewell moment in York colours: “Obviously it was a bad way to go out, getting injured and knocked out, but it will stick in my memory as the last time I put on a York shirt. The first and last games you play for a club should always be memorable.” England honours reached Clayton last term as he made appearances for the National Game side against Holland and Northern Ireland. And despite not joining fellow City favourite Neal Bishop at the Four Nations Tournament in Scotland last month, the striker feels it was an achievement just to get selected at all. “Getting into the England National Game side was a big plus,” he said. “It’s an honour to play for your country no matter what level it’s at.” On signing for Hibernian,

My target for next season at Hibs is to get to double figures

> Vision's Laurie Allsopp talks exclusively to Clayton Donaldson on his transfer to Hibs, his time at York and his future ambitions. “I’m thinking ‘Jesus’, you know, I’m about to start this whole new life!”: The striker who York City manager Billy McEwan once referred to as “a poor man’s Paolo Wanchope” is about to step up to a new level. Clayton Donaldson’s muchpublicised and highly controversial transfer from York City to Hibernian is about to go through and, while the Minstermen are ruing the loss of their star striker, the player himself can hardly contain his excitement. “Now the season’s finished I’m really looking forward to it. I couldn’t really talk about it in January, but now it’s over its exciting stuff,” Clayton told Vision. “I’m going to go up there later this month to sort out things like living accommodation and get set-

FACTFILE DOB: 07/02/1984 Place of Birth: Bradford Height: 6'1" Weight: 12st 5lbs Former Clubs: Hull City, Harrogate Town (loan), Scarborough (loan), Halifax Town (loan) Career Appearances: 107 Career Goals: 46 Strike Rate: 0.43

tled in.” There are those who have suggested that the player’s performances suffered after the transfer

It's an honour to play for your country no matter what level went through in late January. That he only scored six goals in the second half of the season added weight to the critics’ claims, but Clayton rubbishes the notion and is quick to point out the positives in his last days at City. “I think York had a terrific year, and no-one can say any bad things about the club,” he said. “We did better than the season before – we’d come eighth then – and getting to the play offs this time was great. Overall it was a great season and everyone was really pleased with our efforts.” It is easy to forget that Clayton’s dry spell in the spring was relieved by two crucial goals in the win over Rushden and Diamonds that ended a run of three fruitless home

games, and also a hat trick in a 5-0 defeat of Cambridge United. “The away game at Cambridge when I scored a hat-trick was one of my best games ever. It was a proud moment when I collected the match ball,” he said. On the subject of his performances last season, Clayton added: “Personally, I wanted to finish in the play-offs and score more than the 18 goals I got in my first year at York. I’ve achieved both things and I think I’ve had a good time in my last season.” And a good season stopped just short of being a great one. It could have been so different for York but for the sickening collision between

I think York had a terrific year, no-one can say any bad things about the club Clayton and the Morecambe goalkeeper that left the striker struggling with injury. But while Clayton remains disappointed about the result of the tie, he spoke of his determination to re-

Clayton stated his ambition to play for the full England team. While York City is well off Steve McClaren’s radar, he is convinced Hibs – managed by Scottish legend John Collins – can help him towards England glory. “Once the offer from Hibs came in there was no way I could turn all that down. I’m hoping it can be a stepping stone to bigger and better things,” he said. “The biggest attraction of all was that I’ll be playing in the Scottish Premier League. It’s got the TV coverage and a lot more publicity than what I’m used to.” You feel that Clayton would happily talk about the future all day, such is his enthusiasm for the move. While York’s anger at losing the player for nothing is understandable, it is difficult not to get caught up in Clayton’s excitement. He knows it’s his big chance for a crack at the big time: “Hibs are thought of as a big team in Scotland. They play attractive football and they’re known for having a young squad and as a club that give young players a chance.” Clayton believes that Collins will give him that chance to shine, but both player and manager have expressed the importance of next season being a learning curve as Donaldson adapts to life at a higher level. “When I go up there, I’ll have to show myself worthy of a first team place and give my all in training,” he said, “but all in all I’m confident in my ability as a footballer.” Clayton’s attitude – confidence without cockiness – was as important as his goalscoring record when Collins was deciding whether or not to bring the player north. And his new signing is determined to impress, setting his sights high: “My target for the season is to get to double figures, and if I manage that then I’d say it would have been a good year for me.” Hibs have just lost top scorer Chris Killen to Celtic, so Clay-

YORK VISION

Thursday June 7, 2007

FROM BACK PAGE

York track to undermine thrilling college championship race BY ALEX RICHMAN Concerns have been raised that this year's exciting climax to the Deloitte inter-college championship will be dampened by the poor conditions of the York athletics track. Goodricke's Jack Kennedy is worried that despite the rivalry provided by Halifax it will be the excrement stained, cracked track that grabs all of the attention on the pivotal Athletics Day. ‘It’s great that it’s been so close, and that means [Athletics Day] will be a showpiece…but it’s true that the facilities are not great.’ Despite coming 3rd, as Halifax won the netball in Friday’s tournament, contributing to a three point deficit in the championship table, spirits remain high for the holders according to Kennedy. ‘It can sway easily, and we’re still to play them in a few sports. We’re still confident; we’re always confident.’ Of course, Goodricke’s pedigree is clear after a convincing victory in the competition last year. However, Halifax seems to be the year’s success story. Despite the large student base, Halifax have generally joined Alcuin as underachievers; not so this year. Sports representative Nicola Hayden explained to Vision just how the college has improved so much. ‘We’ve changed the setup a lot. We’ve made more people aware, so now everybody wants to play. People play together with their friends, and it’s more visible. We’ve focused on maximising our potential.’ However, Hayden played down the effect of Athletics Day. ‘It’s obviously very important, but we’re not worried. We’ve got a lot of good people involved on the athletics team, but we’re pleased with how we did in the netball and we hope to do the same in the other sports. We don’t want it all to depend on the track.’ Barring a phenomenal performance on the track and a host of oneday tournament victories, Derwent's chances are getting slimmer. However, their top four place seems secure. Vanbrugh and Langwith languish in the mid-table, but Alcuin will take heart from an improved performance over the past year. They stand well clear of James, who are themselves a distance away from bottom Wentworth.

league

STANDINGS 210 2. Goodricke 207 3. Derwent 191 4. Langwith 172 5. Vanbrugh 170 6. Alcuin 144 7. James 127 8. Wentworth 104

1. Halifax

YORK VISION

SPORT

Thursdayy June 7,, 2007.

ANALYSIS

FUTSAL ON TOUR '07

player RATINGS

James Grey

John Lewis

9 7 7 9 8 7

When he was at the top of his game he looked like one of the best players on the pitch – he created up front and defended superbly at times but possibly suffered from a lack of confidence in the earlier stages.

Despite only troubling the scorers once, brought flair to the York attack, providing the team with the kind of creativity they needed to penetrate such defences.

David Ambrozejczyk

Can take a great deal of credit for keeping really tough opposition at bay. Played consistently well throughout the week and a definite shout for best player.

Ivan Lourie

Did well to adapt to a new role as second defender. Unfortunate not to get on the scoresheet but looks very promising for future tournaments.

Dan Webster

Always a massive boost to have him driving the team on, overcame some unfortunate team errors to hold his own in defence with some crucial tackles and all-round solid performances.

Andrew Wakeford

Typically impressive, the captain led by example to inspire a series of superb performances. Didn’t put a foot wrong, and can take heart from the side’s display in a difficult group.

Anton Murphy

Comfortably finished as the team’s top goalscorer with a total of 6 in the tournament, despite a shaky start in the group stages he put in a couple of huge performances as the competition progressed.

David Slater

Struggled to settle into a set role, but played through injury to score two goals, whilst providing some muchneeded solidity and structure to the York attack.

PLAYER OF THE TOUR Sebastian Taro Groth

Arguably the player of the tournament for York, drove the team forward and pressed the opposition well from defence when the side needed goals.

Ollie Webb travels with the Futsal boys as they take on the best teams in Europe in Eindhoven. York’s futsal squad saw their European dream cruelly taken away after a penalty shoot-out in Eindhoven.

Last month the university’s players travelled to the Netherlands to take part in one of the biggest tournaments of its kind – the International University Totelos Tournament. The annual competition, which takes place at the University of Eindhoven, brings together some of the most impressive outfits from the continent. This 23rd incarnation of the event saw Slovakian club Kosice dissect the seemingly inpenetrable defence of top German side Munster in a thrilling final, as York flew the flag for Britain in the plate competition. After a slow start, York exploded in the latter group stages with a string of courageous performances led by this season’s tour skipper Andrew Wakeford. Having captained the first team in Barcelona this spring, Wakeford faced a new challenge in getting the best out of a less experienced squad in an intense first few days of group games. Having been drawn in what was undeniably the group of death, York found themselves up against such potentially crippling opposition as German club Konstantz and Czech giants FC Brno. The size of the task at hand proved itself in York’s opening fixture, and it was left to Wakeford to grab the game by the scruff of the neck. Having seen his side concede twice early on, the captain salvaged a goal with a superb solo effort. Sadly, the team couldn’t find an-

other and eventually went down 3-1 to a superior side. Despite a cool finish from Slater in their second game, York again found themselves on the end of a 3-1 defeat to leave the team bottom of Poole D with two remaining games. As the team failed to make chances pay against Brno in their third game, most notably with a missed penalty from striker Anton Murphy, even an emphatic finish from James Grey and the heroics of goalkeeper David Ambrozecjyk weren’t enough to hold off the relentless Czech assault. A 3-1 defeat left the side needing all three points from their meeting with RC Connellis to avoid crashing out at the first hurdle. The team came out with all guns blazing with rapturous support from a growing Swiss contingent inspiring blinding performances from Sebastian Taro Groth and Ivan Lourie. Murphy regained his scoring touch to net the first goal of the game, and York seemed certain to progress to the top tier of the second stage. However, they were stunned by a goal two minutes from time as RC Connellis bundled the ball home from a set-piece, before tempers flared after a series of hotly disputed refereeing decisions, as York were denied both a late free-kick and a last gasp penalty. The draw sent York into the 'plate' playoff for the second phase of the tournament, where the team came alive to impress a packed arena on the third day of competition. Their first opponents, FC Rostock of Holland, were issued with a 6-goal

education - with goals from David Slater and John Lewis, and braces from Anton Murphy and James Grey. The pick of the goals was a devastating finish from Grey, who turned his man before cutting inside the last defender to rifle the ball into the top corner, summing up York’s near-total domination of this critical fixture. As the side pressed on against German side FU Berlin, a typically flawless defensive display from Daniel Webster and a stunning hat-trick from Murphy put the second of their phase two games to bed in a 3-0 one-sider, leaving York needing a win against Spartak de Megevand of France to seal a Plate victory. The White Rose did well to come back from a goal down against the impressive French outfit, with the on-form Lewis making way for Wakeford to get himself on the scoresheet once again, drawing the game level at 1-1 at the end of normal time. Tragically, success was to elude the touring side. A penalty miss from Murphy in the shoot spelt a heartbreaking climax to the tournament for York, who had battled well against Europe’s elite throughout the week. Following the squad’s efforts at IUTT this season, a number of fringe players including the likes of Murphy, Grey and Webster will have undoubtedly placed themselves in the running for a place in the first team squad, who have recently celebrated a whitewash championship victory in the Yorkshire Premier Futsal League.

Thursday June 7, 2007

Issue 180

E EXCLUSIVEW: IAN INTERVI AY HOLLOW

P39

GOODRICKE V HALIFAX: BATTLE FOR THE COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP

HAS IT REALLY COME TO THIS?

Photo by SHAWN HODGINSON

The Sports Centre wastes £300,000 sexing up its image - as the closest college race yet will be decided on THIS joke of a track. We ask..

THE VOICE OF This year's inter-college championship, so fiercely contested that merely one point separates the top two colleges, is set to be decided on our joke of an athletics track.

But guess what, admin bosses have told Vision that they're set to spend £300,000 on improving the sports centre - so they can charge higher fees to students. Oh and not a single penny will be spent on improving running facilities. Last year's champions Goodricke will be battling to retain their title and fend off the challenge of current leaders Halifax; however, the thrilling spectacle will be held against the backdrop of the university's notoriously shoddy facilities. The latest table, provided by AU Vice President Nick Hassey, shows that the holders are merely three points behind Halifax, but Hassey was quick to point out that with every individual college match result reflected in the table, the current totals should be expected to fluctuate. With only a few one-day tournaments left to play, it would seem that whichever college finishes higher on Athletics Day will become the first holders of the university's new Deloitte trophy. Goodricke sports representative Jack Kennedy confirmed to Vision that the college team was disgusted with the conditions they will face on June 16. ‘We were looking at the track today and it’s pretty awful.’

It's time the university got its act together and got its priorities straight

News Investigation: p4 Sports update: p41 & 42