ISSUE 185
GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR
BEHIND THE SCENES >FEATURES www.yorkvision.co.uk
Tuesday January 15, 2008
RADIUM ROD SWEPT OUT WITH THE TRASH EXCLUSIVE
BY ADAM THORN A RADIOACTIVE chemical ended up DUMPED in a SCRAPYARD after a senior Biology lecturer lost it while attempting to deconstruct a Radium machine without permission. University ground staff then inadvertently swept away the Radium, before a TRACTOR drove it to a “waste transfer station” in York. The situation followed a mix up involving which type of container held the Radium. The findings form part of a secret admin investigation, obtained by Vision, which details how the Biology department made a horrific catalogue of rookie errors in dealing with the situation. Some of the damning conclusions it reaches are that:
Biology lecturers and technicians paid “little or no attention to the health and safety of themselves and others”. Grounds Maintenance Employees had undertaken: “an unauthorised disposal of scrap metals from the University, using equipment not designed or even appropriate for carrying out the job” And how: “The level of competency evidenced by the actions of the Radiation Protection Supervisor is a concern”
The revelations come almost a year after we broke the story that the substance, Radium 226, vanished from the University for five days. Now for the first time we can finally reveal the extraordinary chain of mistakes that led to its disappearance.
FULL STORY PAGE 4-5
SECRET REPORT EXPOSED
Biology lecturers and technicians paid "little or no attention to the health and safety of themselves and others".
Image by Alex Papushoy
SCENE
CAMPUS PLAYBOY >LIFESTYLE >INTERVIEW P18
2NEWS
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
your YUSU BACK DOWN ON SWEATweek SHOP COMPANIES.. QUOTE OF THE WEEK
" I grabbed a knife and gave my friend a saucepan." Student confronting a suspcious intruder
GOOD WEEK bad week GOOD WEEK
tramp
Offered shelter in campus halls
BAD WEEK
tramp
Discovered it was Goodricke
the number cruncher o
Condoms donated to Porno V by YUSU
6
Months taken Derwent to pay charities
for
Pounds worth of stolen from student house
2,000 possessions
..FOR THE SAKE OF A PISS-UP BY ALEX RICHMAN AN EMERGENCY VOTE has been averted at the 11th hour for YUSU after their own union policy threatened the future of Viking Raid. The Raid – a large-scale charity bar-crawl -–is RAG’s flagship event, and has been plagued with funding worries since the policy motion was passed in February last year. The motion, proposed by campus eco society, People and Planet, demands that Union merchandise is sourced from a prescribed list of ethical suppliers. However, organisers of the popular event – currently scheduled for Week 5 – pushed for the ENTIRE policy to be dropped, saying that despite having had nearly
YORK VISION
12 months’ notice, there was “not enough time” to find an approved supplier who can print their trademark t-shirts to deadline and cost. Tensions threatened to boil over as an emergency repeal was seconded by a staggering 9 YUSU officers, with only union maverick Grace Fletcher-Hackwood publicly declaring herself against it. Fletcher-Hackwood was vindicated by People and Planet’s lastgasp decision on Sunday to add a new supplier, Starworld, to the YUSU approved list, keeping both the university’s ethical policy and Viking Raid’s iconic t-shirts intact. Despite their service being slightly more costly than last year’s provider, Services Officer Matt Burton told Vision he did not think Viking Raid ticket prices would be affected.
Sam Bayley, Societies and Communications Officer, said that the t-shirts were crucial from a marketing and branding perspective: “If we couldn’t get t-shirts we’d be reluctant to run a Viking Raid this time, as we feel it’s an important part of the branding of the event and something that students enjoy.” However, Bayley tempered his relief with the admission in a YUSU press release that “the nature of the current policy which allows People and Planet to change purchasing policy at will” was still a matter of concern. The decision to add Starworld to the manufacturers previously approved at the motion’s inception has been greeted as an unsatisfactory compromise by many, with concerns raised regarding why, if
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the new company’s policies were compatible with YUSU’s ethical production motion, they were not included on the original list. However, the decision has saved YUSU from the possible embarrassment of having a motion overturned by the student populace less than a year after it was passed, with a student poll scheduled to take place today scrapped after People and Planet’s change of heart. Starworld’s inclusion has also secured the immediate status of Viking Raid. Joey Ellis, Student Development and Charities Officer, revealed that she was “delighted” at the decision, which will mean a much-needed boost for RAG when the event does take place.
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NEWS
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
STUDENT GIVES YORK HOMELESS MAN SHELTER IN GOODRICKE A BLOCK
DOWN AND GET OUT BY JASMINE PHILLIPS A HOMELESS MAN spent the night in Goodricke A Block last week following an invite from a resident student. However, the gesture of goodwill turned sour when fellow students, concerned about their personal safety, called campus security to have the man removed. The first-year English Literature student, who has chosen to remain anonymous, met the homeless man, named Lee, after leaving The Gallery nightclub on Sunday 6th January. She offered him shelter and paid for a taxi back to campus for both of them. Once inside Goodricke A Block the English undergraduate bought the famished Lee his favourite Chinese takeaway and allowed him
to spend the night with her in her double room. “When I heard his sad story about how he’d lost his job and his girlfriend I felt like frittering away my student loan to help him”, explained the impassioned Goodricker. Other students in the block caught wind of the English student’s bizarre guest: “Some people found it funny,” said the first year, “but some people were angry; they said I’d put them in danger.” A number of A Block residents described the incident as “Hilarious!” but others were more anxious. Campus security were called and asked Lee to leave the building, the student refused to comply. “He’s my guest. He’s not hurting anybody,” the student said. Security then left without any
BY DAN HEWITT
argument allowing the first-year and the homeless man to remain inside the A Block room. Campus Security said that they would consider any homeless person found in university accommodation a threat, saying they “would want them to be removed.” In defence, the English undergraduate claimed that, “It was no different from bringing a randomer back to sleep with.” “I understand their point of view, I really do, but at the same time I hate people who treat all homeless people as criminals.” Academic and Welfare Officer, Grace Fletcher-Hackwood, advised students not to bring people back that make others feel uncomfortable and in this case deemed it that “it was reasonable
that the homeless man was asked to leave”. The Goodricke girl in question insisted, “I was very drunk… I’m not saying I’d do it again.”
shh!
h Whic ge is Colle g to hopinstriphave t their pers a vent? e next
STOP THE COCK BY HARRY PEARSE
PORNO-V HAS been disowned by SU welfare representatives for being “too raunchy.” The Student Union refused to be associated with the porn-themed event held on Saturday of week one as they thought that it did not promote safe sex. The rebuttal culminated in the SU withholding the promotional condoms they had promised. Grace Fletcher-Hackwood, the YUSU Academic and Welfare Officer who oversaw the YUSU Executive vote denying the handout of condoms, said, “I’m always happy to support welfare orientated events but do not want to be seen endorsing something contrary to the equal opportunities programs.” “The publicity is too raunchy” said the Welfare Officer disgusted
LAP OF LUXURY
3
at the posters, promotion of a giant bucking penis and the suggestion on the Facebook event group to “dress to get screwed”. In defence, Vanbrugh Ents Rep, Kate Taylor insisted that the event aimed to “integrate a sexy theme and a sensible message.” Despite this a canvass of ticket holders still revealed a keener interest in scandalous clothing than in the promotion of safe sex. Fletcher-Hackwood admitted that a simple change of the events title may have convinced her to support it; she called the ‘ PornoV’ title “annoying and potentially damaging”. But her suggestions to rename the event ‘Sexy-V’ were rejected on the grounds of branding, and so the SU removed their backing. Matt Oliver, Vanbrugh Chair,
said, “I accept the branding may not be exactly to the SU’s liking, but this is an event that engages the issue of sex and will continue to do so with or without condoms to distribute.” Oliver and his team managed to acquire 720 condoms from an “outside source” believed to be the SU Welfare’s own supplier. “We just managed to cut out the middleman”, said one committee member.
JAMES HAS become the latest college to be subjected to the University’s accommodation refurbishment programme despite being one of the newest colleges. Students have been forced to re-house into Vanbrugh as the University improve the 12-yearold building. Last weekend almost 50 students began moving from James F block into the Bleachfields site where they will stay for the remainder of the year. Zach Pepper, Chair of Langwith, the oldest college on campus, has questioned the importance placed on improving already “luxury" accommodation when urgency should perhaps be placed on other areas of campus. The University revealed in a statement that it “benefits [financially] from conferences and guests prefer en-suites”, but Pepper argues that university policy concerning the improvement of conference facilities is “unfair” to students living in “below standard accommodation”. “In some areas of our college 16 students are forced to share a kitchen and this is below the standard we expect”. James Chair, Chet Khatu agreed saying, “there is no need to refurbish James and there is a compelling case to refurbish other colleges”. Work is set to begin on Block F later this term.
VANDAL SCANDAL
BY RACHEL SYKES
REPEATED VANDALISM of Goodricke pool tables has led the Goodricke JCRC to warn of their removal as they struggle to cope with their rising costs. Increased incidents of misuse have led to the damage of the tables and the JCRC is running out of patience with their constant maintenance and repair. Goodricke Chair Joe Clarke spoke of the “saddening” possibility of the removal of the tables as repair costs continue to rise. “The money that's paid into repairing these tables is what pays for their rent. If they don’t make the rent then they'll be removed.” Vandals seeking free games have left the table uneven, with several parts missing and the felt littered with graffiti. With the refelting of the table alone costing £160, the growing cost of repairs has resulted in reduced funding of sports equipment which previously came out of profits made by the two tables. Although Clarke admitted that the complete removal of the tables is “a last resort”, the consequences of such a decision on Goodricke College sport means that further protection is required. “We're looking into other ways to protect the equipment, because currently we rely only on our porters and some other students to keep an eye on the tables.” Vandals are warned that those caught tampering with the table in future will be reported directly to the police and face a large fine and possible removal of the student’s JCRC membership.
4NEWS
THE RADIUM REPORT
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
RADIOACTIVE > SECRET REPORT BLAMES SENIOR BIOLOGY LECTURER FOR LOSING RADIUM
BY ADAM THORN ONE OF YORK’S top lecturer’s has been blamed for losing a Radioactive chemical last year, after attempting to deconstruct a Radium machine without permission and without following key university rules. A secret admin report reveals how a tractor drove ‘Radium 226’ to a York scrap metal merchant’s before being forwarded to a Recycling plant in Sheffield where it was recovered. The investigation makes a series of damning conclusions that attack almost every element of the handling of the loss. It added that our lecturers within the Biology department paid: “little or no attention to the health and safety of themselves and others”. Even a health and safety officer’s competency during the incident was an: “issue of concern”. The university has implemented a wide range of reviews to combat the problem and have put measures in place to stop this from happening again. The incident involved the decommissioning of a ‘RackBeta’ machine that is used to measure radioactivity in samples such as muscle tissue by using Radium and was brought to York from Cambridge 14 years ago. It was identified for decommissioning after research using it had finished. The report exposes how the senior lecturer charged with decommissioning not only failed to gain permission from the head of department, but also failed to consult the manufacturer’s engineer and made no written risk assessment. Incredibly, the lecturer had performed this procedure twice before and should have been aware of the procedures involved. The botched process even saw the Radium from the machine FALL to the ground before being placed back into the machine. The report reveals how the staff involved with the decommissioning of the radioactive source did not possess sufficient competency required, and that there was: “no requirement or need” for biology staff to undertake the task. During this process the teacher thought that the Radium was held in a lead container which was removed when actually it was held in a similar steel rod. During the decommissioning process the stainless steel tube became detached from both the lead chamber and the RackBeta machine. The remains of the machine, including the Radium, were therefore inadvertently transferred. This mix up led to the Radium being taken, via a tractor, to a scrap metal merchant before being forwarded on to a recycling plant in Sheffield It transpired that the scrap merchants used weren’t even on York’s approved contractors list. In fact, Grounds Maintenance Employees had undertaken an unauthorised
Photo by Alex Papushoy disposal of scrap metals from the University, using equipment not designed or even appropriate for carrying out the job. Plus no risk assessment for the removal of scrap metals was in place and no records or audit trail were provided to support the scrap metal. Meanwhile the Health and Safety Advisor, who was directly involved in the decommissioning of the RackBeta machine, failed to follow the roles and responsibilities charged with his position. He even requested ‘Wipe Tests’, a completely pointless activity as it would not establish contamination of a sealed source of radiation. The report claims that his: “competency with regards to radiation protection raises issues of concern” Another core factor was that the steel container, which held the Radium, wasn’t painted or labelled
correctly - something that was present from when the machine was imported from Cambridge University. The lead chamber was painted a bright yellow colour and carried the international symbol denoting Radiation, but crucially the steel container was completely unmarked. The lecturer would therefore have struggled to know the danger of the steel container. The report concludes that: “Academic and Technical employees within the Biology Department did not recognise or realise the hazards associated with their actions in decommissioning and dismantling the RackBeta machine. Hence no assessment of risk was undertaken, there was little or no attention paid to the health and safety of themselves and others.” The report also slams the com-
petence of the Health and Safety Advisor who helped dismantle the machine: “Despite the training provided to Staff Member C, his competency with regards to radiation protection raises issues of concern” In response, the University has unveiled a raft of reviews and new regulations to make sure the incident is never repeated. In particular it promises that: “The University of York Health and Safety Guidance Note The Use of Ionising Radiation at the University of York is to be reviewed and revised to ensure that the decommissioning and dismantling of any equipment that uses or contains any form of a Radiation Source is, if authorised, controlled with the appropriate levels of supervision and monitoring arrangements in place. ”
The Biology department in particular: “is to undertake a complete review of all risk assessments to ensure that they are suitable and sufficient.” Plus it adds that they will “undertake a review of all training and competencies to ensure that all employees are suitably trained and qualified to perform and undertake their roles and responsibilities in accordance with their job descriptions. ” They have also promised reform of disposal measures with, “suitable and sufficient risk assessments are to be undertaken.” Campus’ most powerful boss, Keith Lilley, authorised the report that Vision obtained under the Freedom of Information act.
YORK VISION
THE RADIUM REPORT
Tuesday January 15, 2008
SCANDAL PERS
ON A
Seni o deco r lecture mmi ssion r responi ble f ing o
r
PERSON C
PERSON S
Health and Safety advisor - helped with decommission
Radioactive protection supervisor
HOW THE ROD WAS LOST.. Cambridge University, from where the machine had been imported, had not marked the radium container correctly
Senior biology lecturer, Person A, deconstructs radium machine without permission
Tractor drove the rod to a "waste transfer station" in York
There was a mix-up involving which steel container held the radium. Person C showed no "competency" decommissioning the 'RackBeta' machine
Grounds maintenence conducted "unauthorised disposal of scrap metals" in a tractor
NEWS
5
BRIDGES CLOSED
BY EMILY HODGES
PERILOUS BRIDGES were forced to close after an external inspection deemed them unsafe to use. Two campus bridges were barricaded up by the Estates Department “until further notice” to prioritise the safety of users. It has been reported that the bridges, which connect Alcuin College to Langwith; and Goodricke College to Vanbrugh, have been at risk of collapsing for a while. Diversion notices have been put up around the closed walkways to direct users to other routes, however they do not seem to have eased students’ anger at the alterations. Third year, Rachel Thompson, said: “It’s ridiculous – campus is falling apart and the University refuses to do anything about it.” The Estates Department now plans to remove the bridges, but it is thought they will not be replaced. The problem stems from “concern” with safe loading levels, and the fact that the bridges’ “length of useful life cannot be guaranteed”. The University has apologised for the inconvenience, but says, “The priority has to be the safety of everyone using the campus”.
OBE TRIUMPH
BY LAUREN KELLY
AN OBE AWARD has been presented to former York University professor, Jim Walvin for his ‘services to Scholarship’ that have revolutionized perceptions of the slave trade. Walvin, who retired from the University’s History department three years ago, received the prize in the New Year’s Honours List for his 45 years writing books on slavery and abolition. The former professor said the most challenging project of his career had been, “establishing slavery as a major historical event. When I started at York, it was unknown territory; now, today, no one needs to be told about the impact of slavery.” Walvin has been praised as “one of the most prolific writers on the history of American slavery” and his impact on international scholarship has bolstered the University’s reputation. The extent of Walvin’s research has required trips to exotic historical locations and for the last forty years he has made bi-annual journeys to the Caribbean to pursue research opportunities. The award, which was established by King George V in 1917 during the First World War, recognizes distinguished services to the arts and sciences and public services outside the Civil service. Other recipients of the Queen’s distinguished prize this year include Kylie Minogue, George Alagiah and Des Lynam.
6NEWS
YORK VISION
student press We read them... ...so you don't have to Killer Fresher Flu A fresher who believed he was suffering from a cold was in fact only hours from death, writes Courier. The first year History student complained only of minor flu symptoms but within hours was told he had a life threatening disease. The student tried to sleep off his flu-like symptoms but soon fell into a “drowsy and drunken state” and was later diagnosed with Meningitis B, a bacterial infection which kills nearly half of the people it infects! Who would have guessed that Fresher’s flu could kill you?
Stop Monkeying Around Chimpanzees are smarter than students, according to a Japanese university, reports Gair Rhydd. The University in Kyoto revealed that chimps have a much better photographic memory than human beings after studies compared behaviour of the animals with university students. The Cardiff newspaper writes that in a task involving numbers the students were much slower in terms of both accuracy and speed.
CAMPUS MAIL DITCHED IN LOOS
PINCHED IN THE POST BY TOM SHELDRICK MAIL THIEVES have been operating around campus, with repeated instances of packages reported stolen from college mailrooms. A large quantity of student post was snatched from Goodricke at the end of last term. Vanbrugh porters later discovered the mail, which had been opened, in Vanbrugh toilets. The students affected were from both Goodricke and James College and one had had £10 – a gift from her grandmother – stolen from a letter. Repeated instances of handwritten mail reported missing or tampered with has led to criticism of porters’ handling of students’ post. Kelly Holt, a Goodricke first-
A lucky Leeds student is on the brink of winning a house, complete with ten high-definition televisions and EA game consoles after entering a nationwide competition. Leeds Student reports that one fresher is down to the last eight in the “EA in the House” competition and has vowed to run around the Student Union naked if he wins, also promising to host the best house parties in the North of England. Good job he doesn’t live in Tang Hall!
told that the mail had not arrived, and then that it had already been collected by URY. Augarde said: “The porters were absolutely rubbish. One told me that if the tickets were so precious, I shouldn’t have risked having them sent to a porters’ lodge. What is the point in having a porters’ lodge then?”
Student confidence in campus mail facilities has been seriously tested by reports of mail lost by porters and taken from college mailrooms. Although Senior Porter Lyndon Taylor declined to comment on the issue, the first case of mail stolen from the Goodricke mailroom has been reported to the police for further investigation.
> Missing £3000 finally found
Nine Bikes and Counting
BY EMILY FAIRBAIRN
Photo by Alex Papushoy
Dan Hewitt
year, had a personal hand-written letter opened and then returned to the pigeon hole in the college mailroom. She complained that “although the porters said they knew it’d been happening, handwritten mail, that was meant to be kept in the porters’ lodge, was put out in the mailroom.” “In the end, the porters were pretty helpful, and took the problem very seriously.” Third year undergraduate Camille Augarde has also suffered from stolen mail and was recently led on a wild goose-chase around campus by “incompetent” porters who had lost her VIP gig tickets. Vanbrugh porters gave away Augarde’s tickets without asking the collector to sign for them, despite the fact they had arrived by Special Delivery. She was later
P U Y A P T N E DERW
Naked Promise
An unlucky Manchester student has seen his bike stolen eight times in just one year. Student Direct reports that despite being at the university for just over a year, the hapless second year has now owned nine bikes and is justifiably losing faith in university security. One of his collection was stolen just 15 metres from a Campus Security centre and another was stolen directly below a broken CCTV camera! Ninth time lucky!?
Tuesday January 15, 2008
CHARITIES NEGLECTED by Derwent over a six month period have finally been honoured with their share in the Big D profits. Following revelations in the last issue of Vision, former ViceChair Liam Baker managed to locate the missing £3000 to pay campus charities Nightline, Stop Aids and Link £1000 each. The money was raised at last June’s Big D event, which Baker organised, but subsequently disappeared leaving Derwent’s account empty for almost half a year. YUSU and College chairs were bewildered as to how Derwent man-
aged to lose so much money and actioned departing chair Jamie Tyler to find out what had happened to the cash. “How can money go missing?” demanded YUSU’s Development and Charities Officer Joey Ellis, at a Senate meeting last month. Tyler replied that he could not answer questions about the empty Big D account, as it was not his responsibility. A Nightline spokesman appealed to Derwent to pay up as soon as possible, urging that: “We need expediency - we spent the money in advance and if we don’t get it soon we will run out.” Having eventually recovered the outstanding money, Tyler blamed
the delay in paying the charities on “a mix up of accounts”. He also cites being wrongly billed for extra security that the university had promised to pay for and being charged for lost and damaged equipment as reasons for the Big D account appearing to be empty. Co-ordinators of Nightline said “the donation is greatly appreciated and will go towards new computer equipment, allowing the continuation and expansion of Nightline’s successful email-listening service.” YUSU’s Societies and Communications Officer, Sam Bayley, said that Derwent “took a while,” but is satisfied there has been “no great harm done.”
YORK VISION
NEWS
Tuesday January 15, 2007
BURGLARS TARGET STUDENT HOMES OVER THE HOLIDAYS
NEW YEAR'S THIEVE
ava acl A l a B N ene for D c s d te me Cri ng tes i be
7
“It sounded like someone was trying to get in.”
"It was dark and so we didn't get a good look at him"
Doors ripped from thier hinges
"The Police were typically useless"
RANSACKED: The victims' house after the robbery
THIEVES BROKE into a student house in Heworth during the holidays, stealing thousands of pounds worth of belongings and trashing the inside of the property. The incident occurred on New Year’s Eve in Melrosegate whilst the tenants were away from York. The police believe it to be one of a spate of student burglaries that took place over the Christmas period and are urging students to take home their valuable posses-
sions during the holidays. The intruders used a roof tile to smash through the doubleglazed windows and went through the house kicking doors off their hinges and stealing valuable items such as guitars, an Xbox, a DVD player and some cutlery. It is thought that the unoccupied house suffered several breakins after the initial burglary, since the police failed to turn up despite being called by a neighbour. Second year student victim, Rocco Sulkin, said: “The police were typically useless and it was left to another neighbour to fi-
nally board up the window out of good will.” The five disgruntled housemates were informed of the burglary by their landlord who had previously put up a ‘for sale’ sign in the garden – marketing it as an ideal student property. One of the housemates said it was “obvious students lived there” and that it was advertising the place up for thieves over the holidays. The five boys reported being “really annoyed” at the damage done and have estimated their collective loss at around £2,000. The North Yorkshire Police
RAPE CASE RE-OPENED > POLICE MATCH 11 YEAR OLD RECORDS BY CLAIRE GRIBBLE A CHANCE ARREST has reopened police investigations into the alleged rape of a York student over eleven years ago. Stephen Mark Sellars, 41, appeared in court last month and stands accused of the attack which took place on Windmill Lane, Hull Road on April 23rd 1996. Sellars was arrested at a nearby secondary school in connection with a separate offence but was later released without any charge. The misunderstanding, however, brought Sellars to the attention of North Yorkshire police, who are said to have compared the forty-year old's information with evidence they had relating back to the assault
of the 19-year-old York student. Vanbrugh porter Roger Daniel worked for the university during the time of the incident and recalls it as a “rare but serious sexual attack” on a university known for its lack of violence. He added that during his 12 years at York only a handful of cases could rival the seriousness of the incident. Sellars appeared before York Magistrate’s Court last month and is expected to appear before the Crown Court to be tried at a later date. He was not required to make a plea, and spoke only to confirm his identity during the hearing at the Magistrate’s Court. He remains in custody after making no application for bail.
Constable, Charlotte Gregory, said that although they have not yet caught the culprits, the CSI department has “found footprints on the door panels” and are carrying out DNA testing on a balaclava discovered at the scene of the crime. It is thought that the same burglar had attempted to rob another student house nearby a few days before, but was scared off by second year tenant Ilaf Scheikh Elard who had remained in York over Christmas. The PPE undergraduate said: “A friend heard something, like the rattling of a door, and it sound-
ed like someone was trying to get in.” Elard then reported how he stepped into the kitchen to see an intruder approaching the window. “I grabbed a knife and gave my friend a saucepan,” recollected the Goodricke student, “but it was dark and so we didn’t get a good look at him,” before he escaped over the garden fence. Despite the attempted burglary Elard said that he did not regret his choice of housing location, but is now being more cautious and constantly on the look out for “strange goings on”.
The Numbers
£2.90 20 1,610
Cost of return
ticket
Percent price increase
Irate students Facebook gro join up
FTR DRIVE PRICES UP
BY DAN HEWITT
FTR PRICE HIKES have led to outrage by students disgusted at “an unjustified rise in the cost of bus travel.” The decision to increase its prices by up to 20% means that users of the travel company will now be forced to pay £1.80 for a single and up to £2.90 for a return. The news has sparked fierce protest across campus, with over 1000 students joining the ‘FTRFight The Raise’ Facebook group in the first three days of its launch. Creator of the group Hugh Gilroy, who is a first-year at York, described the surge in price as ‘outrageous’ and called upon fellow students to boycott the FTR service.“I am outraged that the
prices have risen, particularly as they are above the rate of inflation and we are receiving no better service in return,” said Gilroy. On its website, the First travel company prides itself on being student-friendly, but recent developments have brought many to question First’s policy towards York’s student community. Luke Kavanagh, a first year undergraduate and a regular user of the ftr service, accused the bus company of “taking advantage of students who rely on the bus servive for work and other commitments”. The price hikes now mean that York students are charged twice as much as students in London, who pay as little as 90pence for single journeys that can take them right
Photo by Alex Papushoy and Cara Bendon
BY ANNA BEVAN
across the capital city. The University’s sustainable travel policy, which was introduced in 2001, states that: “car parking is charged and bus travel subsidized.” However, many are beginning to question this statement since you are not required to display a student card when boarding the public transport vehicle. Commenting on Gilroy’s Facebook group, YUSU President AnneMarie Canning has revealed plans to meet with First York on January 18th and confront them on why “they’re ripping off our students”. Canning is also hoping to discuss the possible introduction of a £99 student term pass. A representative from First York was unavailable to comment.
8COMMENT COLUMNS THIS ISSUE
"...Growing paunch so capacious that I’ve named it Asia..." > Pg 10 "... I'm going to have to turn myself into a Damn Hot Mess..." > Pg 10
THE VOICE OF
Never again
W A
hen we broke the story of the university's staggering loss of a radioactive radium rod last year, no-one in Vision could quite believe what had happened. Now it seems, the university cannot believe it either. t the time, our editorial called the loss "scandalous", demanding a "full and thorough investigation". Well, we've had it. And what a damning investigation it was too. The detailed catalogue of catastrophic errors revealed in the report make the whole series of events appear as little more than a farce. How on earth were such senior members of staff allowed to make such serious errors? What's more, how were failures at every step of the process allowed, at the time, to pass virtually unnoticed?
The university must learn from this mistake. Never again should students, staff, and the general public be put at such grave risk.
Bar-crawl stalled
T
he problem of resolving ethical merchandise with cheap tickets for the Viking Raid seems to rear its ugly head on an annual basis. Last year YUSU thought it had put the issue to bed once and for all with their list of approved manufacturers - but they've only just narrowly averted a policy crisis by adding a new name at the last minute.
V
iking Raid is great fun for new students and seasoned veterans alike, but we must not lose sight of the importance of pursuing an ethically-sound process for the production of the event's shirts.
Next time, YUSU must make sure that they leave themselves enough time to get the right shirts and, above all else, from the right companies.
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
Saying what no-one else will...
Richard Byrne-Smith HOW TO BE ME: The definitive guide This is my last column. Get your hankies out. The voice of York Vision has decided to call it a day. And racking up a self-important rant in each of Vision’s past 14 issues, some of you may think it’s a good thing, too. So what advice, after all these months of telling you what to think, can I impart? Well, being one to avoid clichés at all cost, there can only be one solution: a ten-point plan. Like Hitler’s, but with 15 fewer points. Want to become an oppressively pessimistic whinger? Read on. 1. Realise that students are not pleasant people. Somehow, we students seem to think we’ve got it hard. We’re impoverished, under-nourished souls with an involuntary penchant for rubbish television; we get worked so hard our brains self-combust; we struggle to fit any kind of social life around our slavish schedules; we have a terrible existence. Only – let’s be honest – this is not quite true. Ever wondered why society hates us? It’s because we’re obnoxious tossers. We spend most of the day loafing around on government money, inflicting excruciating snobbery on local residents, and make an evening of vomiting all over ourselves. But don’t think I want this to be any different; I just don’t like pretending it’s not true, that’s all.
Clarke, fought his campaign on my very promise. My advice to him? You’ll be lucky. 3. Eat at ‘Edge’ every day. ‘Edge’ (or ‘Wenty’ for those not down with the uni’s ‘cool’ cafeteria names) is, as my fellow editor calls it, the ‘Gordon Ramsey of campus’. Adventurous, ‘ethnic’, and slightly pretentious, ‘Edge’ is everything that York is not. And what’s more, it’s cheap as, er… chips. 4. Discover Langwith computer room. Campus’s best-kept secret, this haven is literally where I spend half my life. Every essay I have ever written has been finished in its airy surroundings. All-nighters become veritably enjoyable; strangers become friends; words flow from fingertips. You may think I’m exaggerating – I’m not. This very column is being written at one of its computers. And you can tell, right? 5. Desperately prevent the loss of all ambition. I once heard someone call York ‘the graveyard of ambition’. I may well have dreamt it (or nightmared it, to coin a word), but it’s still startlingly true. As you may have noticed, York is a small city, which has a tendency to live its own life regardless of the country going on around it. It’s nice. But for anyone with any kind of aspiration, it’s not very healthy. Whenever I hear myself saying that I wouldn’t mind staying in York when I I graduate,
2. Accept the fact that York is never going to change. When I joined Goodricke JCRC as Campaigns Officer back in first year, my manifesto contained one puffed-up promise: to secure the Roger Kirk as an events venue. Predecessors had warned me that it was an impossibility; I laughed in their faces. A pathetic petition and a few emails later, and I had thrown in my towel. Perhaps I should have realised that my naïve voice was not going to release this white elephant from the iron grip of the Hes Hall bureaucrats; perhaps I should have kept trying. Either way, it’s not over yet: newly-elected Students: Pillars of society. Not. Goodricke chair, Joe
IN CELEBRATION
I can hide behind my black-andwhite picture no lon ger; I have a confession to make. And it's an embarrassing confes sion at that. My hair is distinctl y squirrelcoloured. And no, I don't mean brown. Everyone knows tha t redheads get a slightly unfair deal in life. No, it's not jus t a slightly unfair deal; we are mercilessly persecuted from birth.
give myself a hard slap. A very hard slap. 6. Buy a big umbrella. As mentioned in a previous column, I believe umbrellas are one of mankind’s greatest achievements. I used to have a truly enormous mast of a brolly, under which I could shelter from the worst deluges nature threw at me. Mournfully, the blackand-white beast is no more: I left it on a train. So, I have to buy a new one; and words cannot express how much I am looking forward to it. 7. Stop worrying what people think. I have just publicly expressed my love of umbrellas – do you really think I am particularly worried what people make of me? 8. Go to Leeds more. Unlike Toffs, a trip to Leeds can guarantee a brilliant – and different – night out. What do you mean you haven’t been yet? Go now. 9. Sleep in the library Alright, so I'm sure nearly everyone has achieved this unremarkeable feat, but I list it nonetheless. Falling asleep at a desk in the giant book fortress on the hill, is possibly one of the most pleasurable expriences available to mankind. Why does a mere inhalation of the warm musty air immediately send me into a deep slumber? Why is it that I always have my best dreams there? And why oh why do the wooden surfaces seem so soft? I don't know. But I'm not going to argue. 10. Don’t take anything seriously. If there's one thing writing for Vision has taught me, this is it. At the end of the day, does it really matter if a YUSU motion fails to reach quoracy? Or that elections get slightly screwed up? Or that JCRC chairs make human errors? Err... no. Essentially, it all means very little. But I'm not going to deny that it's fun to make the most of it. If you hadn't realised, this is basis of Vision's existence. We pretend to be interested – but really, it's all a bit of fun. This column, for example, is all complete rubbish, but I've enjoyed writing it, and you've read up to here. What else is there to it? Enjoy your lives.
OF:
GINGERISM We suffer cruel tau nts and hurtful jibes; girls don't like us "because we're ginger "; and we can't wear red. It's a hard life. But, in a strange wa y, I don't mind it; we are given a common problem to overcome together. We swap childhood stories, compare insults, and sha re knowing glances every time we pass on the pavement. It gives us an identi ty – we have something interesting
about us. I always get the feelin g that everyone else is a litt le bit jealous of our exclusive community. I mean, what's wo rse than a generic brown which is shared with the rest of the wo rld? And without gingerism , we wouldn't know tha t we were anything worth notic ing. Yeah, they're all jea lous. Well, that's what I tel l myself, anyway.
YORK VISION
COMMENT
Tuesday January 15, 2008
LETTERS
Write to us: Vision Letters, Grimston House Email us: editor@yorkvision.co.uk
n never a h t e t la r e Bett Vision e people at
th port and for the sup up this story g n si a atfor ch of ng it to the ublication and bringi ork students. After the p ig Swindle', Y 'B tion of your story ere raised over ten also sure it w m s I’ rn ce of con a more e proceeds encouraged lution, so whether th ever make speedy reso . Big D would the relevant in to thanks aga ay w r thei . es chariti id am ave now pa Adam Grah Derwent h all is well. e in tl Nigh us £1000, so ill say this Nightline w l’ capacity ia in an ‘offic e, but I just at d r te la at a ank wanted to th
n, Dear Visio
Thanks, Adam. We here at Vision believe that Nightline offers an extremely valuable service to students despite being massively underfunded; in fact, we know exactly how you feel! We're glad that Derwent have resolved the issue, and wish them all the best for their next on-campus event.
Adam Thorn: York University’s Most Hated Man
INCOMING! THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HAVE ARRIVED.. than the arrival of campus event Fusion. Yes, once a year a group of snotty spoilt brats come together to perform the biggest modeling show in York. It’s the emergence on mass of the beautiful people: girls with the faces of angels and guys with the bodies of Greek Gods.
The OFFICIAL Journal of the Club
It almost makes me wish the university would just do the honorable thing and provide us average looking souls with a bomb shelter to hide in so we don’t ruin the scene for the rest of them. But it’s not about the looks. No, don’t be so stupid. It’s about celebrating urban culture in Britain. Y’know, surviving those rough mean streets, the guns, the violence and listening to loads of urban rap and bass beats. And what better place to hold this celebration than the of PEP small upper class rural town of York. Home to 10 villages, a bloody great church and the national railway museum. It’s less 50 cent and more Robbie Williams – singing Rudebox. The point then is that Fusion, despite being set up to celebrate ‘urban’ culture, is comfort comfortably the snobbiest activity on campus. If you want to become a model than you have to ‘audition’ in front
BOLL(V)OX ISSUE 203
IS THE WORLD REALLY ROUND? EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: LOADSOFMONEY
TOFFS TO CLOSE
FREE FILOFAX WITH EVERY ISSUE
IT’S the one thing we all hoped would never happen: Toffs is going to close. But as much as i’ll miss having some fat fresher grind her Chlamydia soaked body next to mine while listening to Baywatch – i’m sure i’ll recover.
Drink before the bar dries Dear Vision
bar is in real danger of cl As a membe osing. r of the un iver- The sity's larges confusing sc t college, go hedule of ing openin to the loca g hours ha l university s meant bar that to hang out when JJ's with my frie actually is nds open, should be on it is rarely full. e of my faI'd like to m vourite thin ake a final gs to do. plea to all my fello U n fo r tu n at w Halifax re el y, dents sito make a opportuni t i e s effort renewed been suggested has It re. to mo fo ee ke agr r 't ep their college Halifax ba James, we couldn ding along r open by go e JJ's is a major rebran residents ing there as that the only way to sav ouraging enc to an ent erw of und te ich n as possib wh enjoy JJ's we le. After al , the lines of B. Henry's, ver we Ho ar . bar e il kta how many pl l, ing a coc extremely lim aces on cam resurgence after becom valuable - can offe pus current state, JJ's is a r it go ed od reckon that even in its go. it fo al od OR Sky ready, Spor we'd be gutted to see ts, let alone and the sign part of the campus and both? s are that th e James fr om Halifax
MUCKRAKER
here’s nothing that makes me feel more useT less and pathetic as a person
9
of a panel of 5 judges. Quite how these power crazed littler tykes decide who makes the Hitlers cut God only knows. You can just imagine the scenario, can’t you? A bunch of poor sods march into the audition room in front of York’s answer to Simon Cowell, all desperately trying to convince him that they are beautiful enough to be included. “Sorry son, you’re deluding yourself – you just don’t have what it takes”, “that was distinctly average” or perhaps it’s just “fuck off fatty”. And this year the show is, coincidentally, being led by campus hotty, and self proclaimed ‘international model’ Amy Browne. A girl who’s student job involves going to Tokyo, Milan and New York to pose in photos for various magazines. Which certainly beats the hell out of a couple of shifts down the racecourse. And it seems that no one on campus is immune to the girl’s charms. When up-market publication Nouse dispatched their heavyweight reporter Nicky Woolf to interview her, he was like a dog on heat. His article begins: “When
CHRISTMAS: MY ARSE NOTHING irrates me quite as much as the festive season. Every year I get the same presents. I now own a collection of 6 (yes SIX) washbags. It’s almost as if my parents think that every year there is some sort of horrific accident and all my other bags receive irreparable tears. Well they don’t.
I meet her for the first time, in a crowded pub, she is endearingly down-to-earth; with an unassuming, pleasant air that is stopped short of shyness by her quiet self-confidence.” He adds, gushing: “She dresses stylishly, but not extravagantly, today in whites and greys. Her figure is implied rather than expressed, and her very long blonde hair is worn loose, voluminous and messy.” It would probably have taken one hell of a mop to clean up the slobber on the floor below. hat Fusion is then is W simply a return to the laws of the playground. The
beautiful people are king. They run the show, get to have all the fun and take the piss out of all those who aren’t included. Watching the show last year and seeing the Rugby and football boys lathered up in grease while just standing there gourmless made me feel ill. And you can’t help but feel that if they spent that time practicing on the playing fields and discussion some tactics perhaps they wouldn’t have got destroyed by Lancaster at Roses. Yet Again. Growing up as a teenager it is normal to feel incredibly selfconscious about how you look and, in all honesty, about the sort of people you hang around with. Surely one of the best bits about the university life is being at university is that people aren’t afraid to be mates with all different sorts of people. Fusion, and their Nazi-like policy of holding “auditions” to become a model, is just like going back five years in your life. Who the hell gives these jumped up little prats the right to decide whether or not you can join what is essentially just a social group? No one. And its about time ‘Fusion’ started realising that in actual fact it’s the rest of campus that’s laughing at them.
FAB SO Fabio Capello has been unveiled as the saviour of English football. Here’s a novel idea of how to get England winning: Tell the players to stop writing their shitty autobiographies and doing their ridiculous sponsorship deals and start playing some more football. Because it’s not exactly like they’re hard up for cash, is it?
The Muckraker’s
FITOMETER
SCORTCHING! AMY BROWNE
Campus’ hottest girl leads ‘the beautiful people’ of Fusion this year. Amy is an International model and earns a ridiculous amount of cash jetting off around the world posing for photos. It almost makes me wish I’d had the foresight to be born good looking...
HENRY SMITH
President of York’s Yuppie society “The Club of PEP”, He’s rated by many as our Uni’s most eligible batchelor. Smith is also a Uni footballer and is heading for a First. Form an orderly queue ladies...
OLLIE WEBB
With his tanned skin and big blue eyes, Uni footballer and Linguistics pin-up boy Ollie is constantly fighting off the attention of the ladies.
FENNA RHODES
Self proclaimed ‘campus legend’ Fenna (real name Derick Turner) has watched his musical career go tits-up as his single flopped in the charts, despite being backed (apparently) by Sony BMG. And he’s no looker either...
GINGE Peter Pan student Ginge
can still be seen around campus even though he left after 10 years. Despite being one of York’s most hideously ugly creatures, Ginge had a reputation with the ladies during his spell in Goodricke’s Cell Block C.
BRIAN CANTOR Uni Vice Chancellor Brian Cantor is not helped by being York’s most angry looking man.
MINGHING!
WANT MORE OF CAMPUS’ NO1 SCUMBAG? GO ONLINE TO WWW.YORKVISION.CO.UK
10COMMENT
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
COLUMNS ALEX RICHMAN
I
’ve already missed out on being a teen sensation, so in 2008 I’m determined to make my breakthrough. I’m going to become a train-wreck. It’s so obvious! Who was the biggest pop success of last year? Amy Winehouse’s star soared just as quickly as her sanity appeared to
"Yes, it's all become clear: if I want to make it big in '08, I'm going to have to turn myself into a Damn Hot Mess..." deteriorate. Her breakthrough second album Back to Black was the biggest-selling UK album in 2007, and went platinum in America with other 1m sold. All it took was a little rebranding! With a new hairstyle and horrific drug habit, Winehouse transformed
herself from another flavourless pop starlet to a global megastar. Yes, it’s all become clear: if I want to make it big in ’08, I’m going to have to turn myself into a Damn Hot Mess. The difficulty arises with the transition from mild-mannered student to scandalous, crack-addled tabloid tart. I spent most of the New Year break browsing technical colleges for information on relevant GNVQ courses, but that was
tions). I haven’t even bothered trying for a Star of David. The truth is that the high street has been very slow on the uptake with this trend. Sure, when it was Lily Allen hiding her arse in a billowy dress, you couldn’t move for identical Topshop Tinas…but where is the new breed of easilyled teens with their new, exciting role models? It’s a cash cow begging to be milked. Everyone’s so bloody desperate not to be seen as destructive to the environment that they’re lashing out at plastic bags at supermarkets, as if it’s all their fault. What better way to demonstrate your unwillingness to mess up the Earth than redoubling your efforts to ruin yourself instead? Despite retailers’ reluctance, there are a few easy tricks and tips that can set the ball rolling for you without H&M’s help. You’re never too young to indelibly brand yourself, and Winehouse has proved that having a multitude of poorly-drawn sailors’ tattoos all down your arm
IN SEARCH OF
The Rehab Cash-Cow a bit of a dead-end. I certainly don’t have the face to pull off a shaved head like Britney, or the concentration to maintain a beehive like Winehouse, so hairstyles are out-ofbounds. What about accessories? Obviously I’ve been browsing for g l a s s pipes, but it’s been brutal trying to find a crucifix to stash cocaine in (like in Cruel Inten-
Why aren't we milking the drug-riddled, beehive-sporting cash cow for all it's worth?
does wonders for your profile. Piercings are good, too, but be careful not to retread old ground. Nose-piercings have been done to death, and even the once-edgy Monroe has become passé; the challenge is to find somewhere new and exciting to gouge. I personally recommend a septum stud, as it would be both fashionable and functional, serving to hold together your withered nose even after months of concerted cocaine consumption. Of course, I don’t want to follow Winehouse’s career path completely. Visiting my thuggish spouse in prison and screaming through the bars that I am yearning for a child for little reason other than to attempt to salvage the wreckage of our dismal, mutually-destructive relationship would be fun, but the touring seems like a lot of work. I suppose I could always just cancel my tour dates, right? I’ve already booked off 2009 for rehab. It’s going to be a great year.
STALLIONS SIAN ROWE
A
fter the really-quite-scand a l o u s - wh at - i s - b e c o m ing-of-youth-today-letssuck-all-the-joy-out-of-theworld [Daily Mail -2007] murder of exchange student Meredith Kercher in Perugia last summer you may think that the #1 fear in an Italian exchange student’s mind would be giant, shiny knives. And, for a while at least, it was. In York the most you’re likely to get assaulted with is a baguette brandished by an irate OAP. Yet now that it has finally come the time to pack my bags and board that plane I’m reminded of what made me go – and should persuade others to go – in the first place. New experiences, new language, new shoes. Y’know, enriching stuff removed from where Wednesday simply resembles that one time of the year when the boys and girls schools FINALLY get to meet in a moneyed orgy of backcombed hair, flip flops and hormones that throb precisely in time to ‘my humps’. Not that you’d think that a desire to see a bit of the world plays any part in subscribing to an exchange. I’m not suggesting that York
What Italians see when they look at Sian
YORK VISION Tuesday, January 15 2008 2007
Iain Withers Richard Byrne-Smith Scene Editor: Loulla-Mae Eleftheriou-Smith Deputy Editor: Andrew Latham Editors:
Management Editor: Toby Scarisbrick Deputy Management: Saffron Palmer Matt Kirman
Head of IT: News Editors: Deputy News:
Anna Bevan Jasmine Phillips Daniel Hewitt Tom Sheldrick
Comment Editor: Deputy Comment: Cartoonist:
Louise Hardie Zach Gauge John Sharp
Features Editor: Deputy Features:
Sian Rowe Joe Burnham Mike Sims
Social Sec: Lifestyle Editor: Sarah Stretton Deputy Lifestyle: Hannah O'Shea Catherine Moore
Alex Papushoy Juliet Burns
Photo Editor: Deputy Photo:
Andrew Latham
Web Editor: Facebook Editors:
Style Editor: Deputy Style:
Katie Jackson Kate Reeves
Food and Drink: Lydia Mills Deputy F&D: Carina Topham Travel Editor: Andy McGrath Deputy Travel: Hannah Headden Sally Makaruk Sports Editors: Deputy Sports:
Lauren Cockbill Alex Richman Emma Barrow Rob Romans
James Watson Matt Kirman Iain Withers
Call us: 01904 433720 www.yorkvision.co.uk Opinions expressed in Vision are not necessarily those of the Editors, Senior Editorial Team, membership or advertisers. Every effort is made to ensure all articles are as factually correct as possible at the time of going to press, given the information available. Copyright Vision Newspapers, 2007. Printed by York & County Press.
Geek Chic University is desperate for a little ‘attention’ but in a survey of a 100 students a resounding 5,245 ½ replied that yes please, they would like a hot European man/woman/ pizza (delete as applicable) teaching them to move their tongue in a way that has nothing to do with language learning. The main reason I am going on exchange is – accord-
"I look down and I am a mess. Tomato stained top, Lipstick smeared all over face, and a growing paunch so capacious that, forget Europe, I’ve named it Asia." ing to infinite numbers of female friends, great aunts and the woman in the post office – is men. Hordes of tight trousered, ebony haired, Vespa humping men. You get the idea. Lots of them. Sexy ones. Well, I turn to the salivating ladies of York and proclaim ‘I’m more interested in opening my mind than my legs’. F a s t Forward a few weeks…. I’m sitting in a café with a male friend. I’m casually flicking through a newspaper when I spot an article by some loafer munching sleaze bag bemoaning how British women can’t look good past the ripe old age of 17 without getting the full strip, primer, gloss and seal. Bollocks, I think. I know plenty of natural beauties! Just look at our quirky style! Whatever happened to feminism! I look down and I am a mess. Tomato stained top – check. Lipstick smeared all over face so resembling a six year old boy that got bored in Boots – check. A growing paunch so capacious that, forget Europe, I’ve named it Asia – check. Then it hits. Forget exotic Yorkshire Rose, I’m going to be the nerdy exchange girl with a backpack, Bird nest hair and ill fitting clothes that the York Bubble™ has left me unwittingly sporting. Bugger. The friend – a blond, jaw-tastic, hateable but hell, I’d run away with you if you’d only just let me type friend – decides to chip in. He mumbles that; forget Mr Loafer and his Americans, ‘Italian women are really beautiful’. I wipe sauce from my mouth. I pick up a knife. ‘But don’t worry’ he continues. I smile. I’ll be fine amongst the sexy Europeans. I will buy new shoes. All is right in the world. I go back to fearing knives and unhinged housemates. He hasn’t finished. ‘But don’t worry’ he says, ‘Italian men aren’t picky….’ TO BE CONTINUED.
RUBBISH
YORK VISION tiistai tiawanau 15 2007
THE SKETCH. PICTURE EXCLUSIVE
PRESIDENTS ROMP IN OFFICE
OFFICIAL BALLOT YUSU 2008/9 ELECTIONS YUSU PRESIDENT Rich Croker RON
NOTE: This story is ficticious.
SERVICES OFFICER Rich Croker
BCAM E W N O T H G U A C H S STEAMY SE " K S E D 'S E E L Y A B N O THEY DID IT " UT O H G U O R H T N O P A CROAKEY KEPT C
BY PHIL ATIO TWO GENERATIONS of president became one last night as campus supremos romped for hours in full view of the office webcam. The pair knocked over chairs and tables, as their passionate love-making sent papers flying. Current YOU:SUE president Annie-Mary Cunning entered the office at 3am to find ex-pres Rich Croakey, dressed in full England football kit, sat, legs
akimbo, on the presidential chair. Mounting the has-been, Cunning was heard whispering to Croakey: "I have wanted you ever since that first budget meeting last year." Bizarrely, she then changed into into a polo shirt, loopy earrings, and trackie bottoms. Croakey is rumoured to have a chav fetish, and Vision psychologists believe it is this secret desire which Cunning was attempted to rouse by her change of attire.
Keeping his cap on throughout, shocked viewers watched Croakey shouting "I've got it! I'm powerful again!" through the entire session. Many unfortunate students who stumbled across the wellloved webcam in the early hours of the morning are having treatment for their traumatic experience. It is unsure whether the couple are in a formal relationship, or whether this is a mutual fuck-buddy partnership.
RON
ENTS OFFICER Rich Croker RON
WOMEN'S OFFICER Rich Croker RON
the yorkie
LGBT OFFICER
www.theyorkie.co.uk
the
yorkie
Rich Croker
Really Interesting news stuff
FUSED TOASTER GOES UNNOTICED
stuff
the yorkie would like to apologise to its readers for failing to spot a news story of high importance and interest.
stuff stuff
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Rich Croker
Smoke was smelt throughout the corridor.
stuff
Please comment, ad nauseum, on this fascinating tale below. www.theyorkie.co.uk
www.theyorkie.co.uk
www.theyorkie.co.uk
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RON
GO OUT AND GET A REAL JOB FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES
The incident, which happened in the early hours of this morning, involved some toast fusing an electronic device in Langwith C block. The lights were reported to black out "momentarily", before the trip switch was flicked, allowing power to return.
stuff
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The toaster
12 FEATURES
YORK VISION
FEATURES Tuesday January 15, 2008
We had fifty dwarves on the street in the middle of a full scale riot
TURNED ON TO TRASH Slobbed out, eating cereal from the packet, flicking on freeview. Iain Withers talks student telly with the people behind E4
wielding chainsaws and piling into Burberry-styled cars. The ad opens with an apocalyptic Daily Mail headline – ‘Hoodies Take Over the U.K’, and ends with the booming voice of E4 cheerily advising us to
People have tried to copy but we were the first to try that tongue-incheek style
LIFE COUCHING Pay attention you sack of wheezing, greasy undergraduate! Vision prepares you for a 'Year of Change'
don’t mind watching friends back to back, but then they’ll throw up something like Skins in the middle of it which is fantastic TV. They’ll often have a promo with a voiceover that says ‘Friends, again’ but it just works because you know they’re not really that bothered about it.” E4 pulls off an authentically anarchic vibe. Unlike most other channels E4 work almost entirely with small independent companies
E4 is a good choice for quality slob-out time
V
“forget about the country’s decline in values” and watch Big Brother’s Celebrity Hijack. It is deliciously tongue-incheek. The vulgar voice of E4, Peter Dickson, fronts the ad. Cut off from the hooded anarchy around them he shovels what looks like faeces
onto the plates of the shiny E4 bunker family. “What we used was dog meat,” he informs Vision. “I was quite conscious of the fact that not only did it stink under the studio lights, but it had a pretty horrendously loose consistency. I was a bit worried that the other actors would get splashed by it – I took the director aside and asked whether he thought I should be quite gentle and he said no it would be much funnier if I just slopped it all over them, so that’s exactly what I did – most of it ended up on the guy’s lap. The studio stank of dog meat for days!” The ad of course is a piss-take, though it is telling that E4 likens its programming to dog meat – are students' slob-out compulsions unhealthy? Noah Harris, the man behind E4’s deranged new idents, in which the E4 logo emerges alongside gaggles of geese and balloons says E4 is unusually at ease with its brash entertainment identity. “There is something incredibly unpretentious about E4. They do show Friends back-to-back all day every day. They know that, they take the piss out of that. People
V
N
ever mind the drink, the books and the pranks – university life is all about seducing students into a life of slobbing-out. Students stumble into canteens, bleary-eyed, and feign shock at the news that they’ve missed their 9:15, again. The lazy fuckers. Still, if you’re gonna slob-out, you might as well acknowledge it, and do it right. E4 is the staple diet of idle students – the purple box of guilty pleasures shines into many a student living room. The channel has undergone a revamp this year and is set to launch a new series of Skins amidst the episodes of Friends. There’ll be a couple of new tidbits as well (see opposite), but the main news really is that “Friends, I’m sure you’ll be pleased to know, is continuing”. For those procrastinating over essays, it looks set to be another fine year for slob-out TV. Campus’ love of E4 has a lot to do with that perennial student favourite, irony. Take the new E4 ‘Bunker’ ad. A polished young family seek refuge in the ‘E4 bunker’ as hundreds of small people dressed as ‘chavs’ whip up a preposterously overblown riot outside,
and designers like Noah rather than playing to audiences through marketing companies. “People have tried to copy us in the past but we were the first to try that tongue-in-cheek style,” says E4 producer Jason Delahunty.
“We’re in tune with what you guys want and don’t take ourselves too seriously. In one of the trails for our E4 films we referred to someone as the ‘slaggy one from Sex and the City’. People expect E4 to be a little bit cheeky – people appreciate that and our honesty.” Amid the Friends repeats, then, it’s the malarkey in between that Noah believes resonates. “E4 isn’t afraid to take the piss. The E4 tone of voice is quite strong, probably stronger than the programs!” Shakespeare it ain’t, but entertainingly, E4 treats its schedule in a knowing way, playing to the irony crowd. In a crowded field, E4 is still the number one home of premiere slob-out fare, as programs everywhere seek to become deliberately more gross-out. Need Andrew Lloyd Webber really sit on a throne in his reality TV shows? E4 is a good choice for quality slob-out time. But with every program trying to get in on the grossout act, it’s good to know when to switch over and give your ironic reflexes a rest. Otherwise we’re all going to look pretty silly when there’s nothing but Police, Camera, Action on TV.
MINSTER VS CENTRAL HALL CENTRES
Sounds like the title of a terrible B-movie.. It ain't. Which landmark would you rather graduate in?
P16
YORK VISION
UNDER THE SKINS
Tuesday January 15, 2008
VOICE OF E4 peter dickson
Peter Dickson is the vulgar voice of E4, sending-up American teen dramas and shoving innuendo into every ad break. His booming ‘embarrassing uncle’ sound is behind some of the UK’s favourite TV programmes. He introduces the X-Factor with the deafening – ‘ITS TIME… TO FACE… THE MUSIC’ and invited audience members to ‘Come on down’ on the Price is Right. He visited York with the intention of studying Psychology some years ago but in the end decided it was too concrete and windswept and opted for ‘bullets and bombs’ at Queens, Belfast How do you find being the voice of E4? I just love being the voice of E4. Its quite an honour and a privilege to be doing it. They come in very loosely scripted and we just have great fun improvising lines for it – I hope it comes across on air. I’ve always been a bit of an anarchist even when I was at university. I was dreaming up ways of rocking the boat – so this kind of work is right up my street. We do try and push the boat out as far as we can on most of these trailers. The winter months can ravage your voice – how do you keep your’s in tip-top shape? Plenty of whisky, and late nights, going out partying... and shouting a lot. Your voice must come in handy when getting served at the bar… It comes in very handy indeed. Three pints and a packet of pork scratchings please! Did I get served? Yes, yes I think I did. Although if I used that voice outside maybe I’d get arrested. Do you go red in the face? No I don’t go red in the face! I’m not actually shouting
SCREENWRITERS baggy trousers
(New series)
Another 'youf drama hot on the heels of Skins. Iain Morris and Damon Beesley introduce Baggy Trousers Can you explain E4's success? I used to be a commissioning editor at E4, and now I’m not. So in some small way, I think me leaving their team may have helped them become the huge success they are today. Tell us more about the new sitcom! Baggy trousers is about four not very cool boys in suburbia. this doesn’t mean that they aren’t funny, or they aren’t desperate to get laid, it just means that the world seems a little bit more complicated to them. Not sure how we address youth culture. Hopefully there are still lots of young people as pathetic as we remember ourselves being at that age. If not, then that’s a bit tragic for us.
VISION PODCAYorSkTV!ision
the Check out ’s hear Britain to st podca on. ti ac in e ic favourite vo wlty startling Fa Including a … n io ss re Towers imp
DERANGED LOGOS (& GEESE) noah harris Noah Harris is the maverick designer behind E4's new 'idents' - the snazzy logo intros before each program, combining random items in deranged E4 spaces Was it fun creating the surreal idents? The whole creative process was really good fun.I approached it initially with wanting to do something different to anything that was out there. E4 isn't run by some marketing company. I wanted something that wasn't really a 'brand'. I wasn't interested in shoving the logo down people's throats. They build up to the logo in quite an obscure way. Its part of the scenery and doesn't feel tacked on in any way whatsoever. The whole thing is about juxtaposition. You have to plan quite carefully in your head what’s gonna work and what’s not going to work in that kind of environment. They're essentially really good fun to watch, a bit inane and a bit anarchic.. Can you explain E4's success? E4 is quite silly, puerile and self-deprecating. It doesn't take itself too seriously. In the last advert they had fifty dwarves in a Burberry car - that's the sort of stuff other broadcasters could never get away with. The 'fuck it I don't care' approach really resonates I think.
HEAD OF PRODUCTION jason delahunty The producer who brings you all of E4's wacky adverts, most notably the recent E4 bunker ad, where a suburban close is overrun by 'chavs' Can you explain E4's success? We’re in tune with what you guys want and don’t take ourselves too seriously - we have a laugh with our audience. We love the E4 'bunker' ad - was it fun to make? Yeah it was two days of good fun. We took over an entire close in Middlesex with forty small people. The legal team were quite concerned when we managed to fit ten of them in a metro but they saw the humourous side in the end.
FEATURES
13
Confessions ie b b a c a of
Those nice men and women that drive you home after one too many sambuccas have had enough. Each week VISION brings you another of their student exposing confessions. Sometimes you get some right weirdos. Not just a bit drunk type weirdos... but really WEIRD, weirdos. There was a girl a while back who really gave me a fright. I saw her struggling along the street at just gone 2am with a heaving bin bag, staggering in a zig-zaggy fashion. She waved a hand at me, and even though she looked a bit dodgy and could have easily been sick on my back seat, I slowed down and pulled up – I hadn’t had a fare for half an hour. Desperate times call for desperate measures. She opened the back door and said her name was Britney. She wanted to put the heavy bin bag in the boot. I was a bit suspicious of what was in there. When I offered to take it from her she said she could do it, and nearly knocked me over when she barged me out the way. She was pretty defensive about the whole thing. As we set off, I noticed a terrible smell. Worst one I’ve ever smelt – even worse than my wife’s cooking. I wasn’t sure if it was her, her clothes or that ruddy bag in the boot. She was making some drunken small talk about her course, I think she said she was a philosophy student or something, I mean, what sort of subject is that? Never trust a philosopher. All weirdos. When I braked at a traffic light, I heard a thud from the boot. I asked her what was in it and she just laughed and coughed loudly as if to mask the sound. I got even more suspicious. I was on the verge of throwing her out out of fear and it takes a lot to scare me. We pulled away from the lights and her phone went off. She was talking really quickly, so much so that it didn’t even sound like English. Anyway, she told the person on the phone she had done something and was on her way home, and not to worry. Was she a murderer?! It suddenly struck me that there might be a body in there! I didn’t want her in my cab for a second longer, so pulled up at the curb and asked her to get out. I said I had a prebooked collection to go to, hadn’t realised the time, and slammed the door on her. I’d had enough of that particular weirdo for one night. She looked flustered, ran to the boot, yanked out her bin bag and hurried off along the street. To this day I don’t know what was in the bin bag. Sick covered clothes? Dirty sheets? Or even some poor boy’s head... As told to Mike Sims
Next Issue Lairy lads cab-seat lovin'
14 FEATURES
YORK VISION
YORK VISION
TWO THOUSAND AND GREAT Tuesday January 15, 2008
Vision thinks through the new year, so you don't have to. Sarah Stretton and Catherine Moore sort out campus for 2008
LIFE COUCH Viaion invites you to sit on our lifestyle couch
Quitin
g qua vers Siavu s 2nd h Ye Histo ar ry
Thou
Shal
t no t ea t
Work Eat H Harder Exer ealthier cise More
Get organised Get a diary. Prioritise task s, plan your day in advance.
SWOT
UP
it ha rder ..
M
Learn Something New. Cross-stich. Tai-Kwando. How to Read.
Party i Work ng, few e ssays Drink harder . more .
year d n 2 c Musi
e guag n a L n in n Sig the viol r a e L tice more Prac
Keeping Out of/Minimising your overdraft. Double question a purchase before you make it
Set youself achievable goals with realistic dead lines
Rob 2nd ye Musi ar c
Work
: 2008 r Yea New ou! y New
f l e s r u o y s s e r Exp ieczyslaw and h e o th t k Tal
Tom 2nd year History
n Put the gun Dow
ael Mich er an s Cle u p Cam oking m S g up Givin
out t i Put
15
Andrew Latham explores the pros and cons of keeping in shape on campus and elsewhere
he formula is simple. Expend more calories than you put in your body, and you’ll lose weight. The execution, however, is for many more difficult; though many will turn to the gym, shedding pounds proverbially and literally in the process. Students at York have two main choices, Next Generation, criticised as being eye-wateringly expensive style over substance, or the campus sports centre, criticised as being, well, a dump. The Campus Sports Centre offers a range of sports facilities to students, from five-a-side leagues to casual badminton, and for first years, waddling around Heslington on a diet of vodbull and kebabs, ultimate convenience in terms of location. Once inside though, the basic facilities are evident. Decrepit changing rooms and communal showers, Despite some recent investment, the gym comprises a half dozen treadmills, a fair few ergs -- typically the preserve of the boat club, whose ritualistic self-flagellation is a draw in itself -- various resistance machines, and the ominous heavy weights room. Often busy, and with limited ventilation, though lacking a sauna, the gym often resembles a steam-room. The gym has a variety of membership types, and at student accessible prices (around a quarter of Next Gen) making it a more flexible affair than the alternative. Next Gen only has annual memberships, for the best part of £50 a month, which include use of the gym and a number of classes, though not use of tennis or squash facilities, free towels, or reciprocal membership at other sites during the holidays. Longer opening hours are a distinct difference, but peak times at Next Gen rival the smaller campus gym, turn up at six on a weekday evening and you may struggle to find a free cross-trainer. In addition to price, the ethos of the gym is also less student friendly, the Next Generation group strives to be a ‘family friendly racquets club’, which translates as noisy children charging round the otherwise pleasant lounge area.
g n i k c Ki it
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NEXT GEN VS UNI GYM T
Anger Management
Conflict Resolution
Tuesday January 15, 2008
Classes at Next Gen are more diverse and frequent than the Campus Gym’s offerings -- though Colin’s Monday and Thursday circuit classes (5pm, £2.50), have a cult following and are probably the best way to get into shape -- and include spin, aqua-aerobics, and LBT conditioning. ‘The Club’ has the benefit of indoor and outdoor pools (summer only), sauna and steam, plus decent showers.
Spend more time with friends. Arrange a weekly coffee/beer meet up
If the gym isn’t for you, don’t waste your money, find a different Tame the bulge. sport via the Substitute snacks AU website. www. for fruit and find a yusu.org/au fitness regime that suits you.
10 ways to get the most from your gym sessions 1. Arrange to meet someone there. You’ll motivate each other, but keep the headphones in to avoid distractions. 2. If in doubt, ask. If you don’t know how to use a machine, get someone to show you. 3. Vary your routine. Try to go to classes. 4. Buy the kit. Uncomfortable or impractical clothing or footwear not only ruins your workout, but may cause you damage. 5. Work up a sweat before you do weights. You have to shift fat for the definition to show. 6. Have a sense of perspective. Results don’t appear overnight. 7. Keep hydrated. 8. Ignore those around you. Don’t get dispirited by the modern day Adonis on the rowing machine. 9. Do exercise you enjoy. This is the most important
SCENE Jan 08 Issue 12
PLUS: A L Kennedy interview / Vision loves Grammatics and more. Bitchin Y’all.
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Film Reviews We Are Scientists TV
A L Kennedy
SCENE
Jan 08 Issue 12
Scene Editor: Loulla-Mae Eleftheriou-Smith Music Editor: Camille Augarde Music Deputy: Michael Regan Film Editor: Laura Cooney Film Deputy Editor: Mark Comber & Andrew Nichols TV Editor: Scott Bryan Culture Editor: Anna Wormleighton Culture Deputy Editor: Post Open Books Editor: Naomi Lever & Rebecca Black Books Deputy Editor: Emilie Roohan Listings Editor: Post Open
Panto
Grammatics So, it's the new year, we've all shovelled too much food down our throats, guzzled more alcohol than should be humanly possible and broken every new years resolution within five minutes of making it. So what's new? Scene is new. (Bet you saw that one coming, right?) We've got an interview with We Are Scientists, the kids from Brooklyn that like to educate you during thier tour. Very radical, n'est pas? Well, it's different. We also have talks with Michael Billington, the Guardian theatre critic, and writer A L Kennedy. Finally Vision bestows its love upon Leeds newbies Grammatics. This issue has squished more news, reviews and dancing shoes packed into its pages than ever before. (Oh dear, in my defence I'm writing this at five am, please have a little sympathy.) We've all worked our poorly-darned socks off to make this issue look good enough to eat, so enjoy reading it, safe in the knowledge that we don't care whether you gave up smoking, quit drinking or stopped facebook stalking for all of five minutes this new year before falling with a resounding 'thud!' off the wagon. All at Scene.
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Camille Augarde interviews:
WE ARE SCIENTISTS
“
You know the guy from Gallows who’s currently number one on the official NME Cool List? He comes to all of our shows. Watch out for him tonight – the ginger one in the front row, clawing at our feet. It’s actually kind of pathetic, I feel so sorry for him”. Interrupting his chuckles, I politely remind Keith that he himself, We Are Scientists’ front man, has never graced the list. Hurling his Fosters aside, Keith Murray launches himself across the table and points a menacing finger inbetween my bewildered eyes: “that may be true, but let’s get one thing straight: “We Are Scientists” is not code for “we are geeks”. Taking the biggest swig of lager he can muster, he drops his Sesame Street yodel down to a growl, and declares: “honestly, science is not my game.” Having laid eyes upon the walking jumble sale of Shredded Wheat moustaches, Buddy Holly spectacles, and “zany” shirts that is his band, I am not convinced, but merely disturbed by this “strapping lad” persona. Sniggering, the American singer deflates his chest, relaxes back into his chair and resumes his natural Elmo voice. “Well the truth is, I know everything there is to know about science”. Now back on home territory, he lets loose. “My favourite element is Iridium”. Here we go. “It’s way superior to the likes of Chlorine and Potassium, don’t you think?” My frantic scouring of the
bar for a pillow-shaped object grinds to a halt however upon Keith’s continuation: “it’s my favourite because its symbol is a little rocket with a cat sat aboard it.” Two fairly amusing jokes within the opening minutes of an interview with a front man of a world-famous, sold-out arena playing, NME award nominated band? That’s a joke in itself, surely? Au contraire my friends, for Keith is far from fitting the standard, enigmatic, edgy rock star mould that everyone’s quite frankly sick to the back teeth of. Instead, he clasps humour and academia close to his warm-blooded heart, the combination of which places him on a hairline border between the utterly hysterical and the deeply concerning. Upon revealing his dream career, were he not a musician, I finally position him within the former category. Predictable post-rock star spheres of work such as suicide, professional ferret-betting, drug dealing, and bad poetry-writing he would steer clear. Instead, Murray fantasises about being… a historian of course. “I would be a very revisionist one” he chirps, “for example, George Washington, America’s first president, would be half-man, half horse in my classroom”. This Bite Size Revision (my academic saviour and yours), “learning is fun” attitude, with which Keith is erupting, is partly why I’m talking to him today. Rewind two hours. I’m surrounded by unknown students, perched
in a lecture theatre, wondering why. Up comes the Countdown-esque music, and in march We Are Scientists’ singer, Keith Murray and bass player, Chris Cain. Waving wildly at the crowd, the musicians are mummified up to their plum-coloured faces in microphones and over-sized suits. Yes, it seems as though that weird, very-enthusiasticabout-estuaries-and-other-tripe geography teacher who you thought you’d so cleverly erased from your memory is back, and he’s brought a friend. “Welcome to Brain Thrust Mastery!” Chris bellows over the room’s rapturous shouts of “sexual intellectuals!” and foot-stomping. “This is a free seminar designed to help students take control of their lives, which are, let’s face it, likely crashing and burning as we speak”. Yes folks, the Scientists’ love of academia has jumped out of their hearts and into your laps, as alongside each of their UK tour gigs they are providing their fans with a “self-improvement lecture”. Confused? “The first thing you do when you get into a car is you put on your seatbelt, right?” asks Chris, just about managing to peer over his monstrous-rimmed spectacles. “But what’s the first thing you do when you’re planning your life? The answer, dear students, is to tune in to Brain Thrust Mastery!” Keith now takes a shot at explaining the purpose of this afternoon engagement: “everyone grows up with an idea of
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why he thinks this is the case, to which he replies very matter of factly: “Because we always try to be intimate and friendly with the crowd”. Kicking aside the assumption that bands must be aloof, glazed and speechless during gigs, WAS are renowned for encouraging audience-participation. They manage to inject humour into even this, shown best when, during the NME tour of 2006, Chris demanded each audience member to tie their shoelaces up with those of the person to their left. Thankfully, no one was crushed in a jumping herd, for the bassist quickly retracted the idea when it became obvious that the loyal crowd were raring to obey his banter. Meanwhile, their current tour’s bizarre, free “Brain Thrust Mastery” lectures are the ultimate nod to their fans. So how did New York’s pleasantest gents fall into the sordid world of rock n roll? Having met at college, “We were together for four and a half years before anything happened, but we all had jobs whilst we were doing that”. Keith explains. “We weren’t one of those bands that did a toilet tour of the states of anything like that. We had security so if we went and played a terrible show we didn’t get depressed because our futures weren’t ruined. I’d like to say I knew we’d be this successful but I didn’t.” BBC 6 Music guru Steve Lamacq clearly knew better though, for it was he who spotted the trio playing at the South By Southwest festival in 2005, and booked them for a show on the spot. Keith describes this as the start of “a crazy UK campaign” to get their music heard. The legendary likes of Radio1 DJs Edith Bowman and Zane Lowe joined Lamacq’s mission, which finally resulted in a slot supporting Editors, and the attention they needed to hit the big time. Sadly, being a Scientist for seven years, and going on some of the heftier tours mankind has devised, took its toll on drummer, Michael Tapper, who left the band just three weeks prior to this interview. Amazingly, a new one has already been found. “You’d be surprised to find out how easy it is to find a replacement when you’re actually a touring band. Pretty much the day we announced he was leaving we got about fifty messages from people going “I’m your new drummer!” Despite all the offers however, it was their close friend, Adam Aronson, who best fitted the job description. Keith comes clean on why Adam’s predecessor left, openly explaining: “when you’re in a band for a really long time, any romantic notion you had of one another is gone. Chris and I still get along really well though. We were never fighting with Michael, it just wasn’t that much fun and he clearly didn’t want to be touring. So that was that. For me, this tour’s been amazing though. Whenever I’m awake and we’re on the bus, I just sit on top of it with a rifle and shoot at every window I pass by. It’s a wonderful hobby! I don’t hurt anyone though” he adds, just in case I fall for the billionth gag of the interview. Realising that I am once again thoroughly unconvinced by macho mask, he confesses, “we’re actually the quiet-reading type whilst on tour. Whenever you walk into our dressing room there are at least three people reading and on computers. It’s sad”. As well as a new drummer, the band have also recruited the Owen Wilson look-alike, Max Hart, to play the keyboard. Despite this added dimension to their music, a deadpan Keith explains, “you can expect total stasis from We Are Scientists. When you listen to our new album, you will note that we will not have grown at all”. Still not realising that his jokes are see-through, he bursts out laughing: “Nah, for better or worse, it’s actually going to be very different”. So what will the second album, due out 17th March this year, be called? “It was going to be titled ‘You Bang, She Bangs, You Want Some... Unh!’, but now we’re thinking of going for something snappier like ‘F***** in the A**’explains a now hysterical Keith. Since the interview, the title has in fact been announced as “Brain Thrust Mastery”, an album which will undoubtedly be one thing about New York’s chicest geeks to be taken seriously.
“WE ARE SCIENTISTS” IS NOT CODE FOR “WE ARE GEEKS”
where they’d like to end up one day. For some it’s as vague as ‘I want a bunch of kids’ - others have it planned out to the brand and shade of the car they want in their garage. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that idea fades away under the harsh light of life’s frustrations and disappointments. We created Brain Thrust Mastery as a way to help people not only colour in that original plan, but to add exciting embellishments that, as a small child, they might never have imagined for themselves.” Beaming proudly at a sea of befuddled young faces, the pair set into motion their self-created “thrusting” exercises. These will, they ensure us, rotate our terrible selves one-hundred and eighty degrees, so that we may face the happier side of life. The first step towards self-improvement is “Emotional Intuition Transfer”. Two flipboards are wheeled onto the stage, and positioned facing eachother. Chris is placed behind one, and a member of the audience who is keen to be “thrusted upon”, behind the other. Assuming an Anne Robinson toe-to-heel rock and stiff face, Keith asks the student: “what is Chris’ favourite colour”. After staring intensely into the depths of Chris’ mind, the volunteer writes on his chart, and flips the piece of paper over. The audience, avid to learn for themselves how to read a mind and achieve Stage One of Brain Thrust Mastery, waits with poised pens and baited breath. The paper however is see-through, allowing Chris to copy “orangey-red” down as his favourite colour. Having successfully “read Chris’ mind”, the volunteer is then declared a “Brain Thrust master!” Upon closer inspection, it becomes clear that the “student” was in fact the band’s new keyboard player, Max Hart. Clearly, this lecture will in no way improve our “deteriorating lives”, but is instead a comedy show - a parody on the drool-spot inducing university ones with which we are all so bitterly familiar. The revelation of this prompts seven people, I count, to hastily pack up their belongings and scuttle out of the room. Apparently the poor souls were of the impression that the seminar was, as our flyer informed us, designed to “show you all the path towards taking instantaneous control of your physical, academic, sexual, medical, psychological, historical, emotional, intellectual, financial, theoretical, and automotive destiny”. Somewhat of a disappointment for them then, but an entertaining show for the rest of us who have managed to grasp the fact that the seminar is a standup show - a mickey take of the band’s own, gawky image. After several more exercises which fail to demonstrate what on earth ‘Brain Thrust Mastery’ is, and how one might achieve it, Keith is still on fire: “if you’ve really enjoyed the lecture, and feel that your life could change for the better through Brain Thrust Mastery, then there is a £5,000 weekend getaway up for grabs. It consists of further highquality lectures, as well as two tacos a day. Veeeery reasonable!” he persuades. By this time, those who havn’t walked out in outrage to catch the remaining minutes of their “real” lessons, are doubled up laughing. “Before we went onstage today, Chris and I were yelling to each other: “I can’t believe people actually let us do this idiot lecture thing!” laughs Keith afterwards in the interview, “and that people actually showed up to watch it!” It is in fact highly believable, as in addition to their ultra-accessible, indie-pop bangers, much of their success springs from these huge efforts to break down the ordinarily rigid fan-band barrier. Despite this popularity, he does modestly reveal, “I sometimes feel that our shows are a little too big. All the arenas we play are normally reserved for bands like Kaiser Chiefs who have number one singles, which we’ve never had.” Indeed, despite it being an undisputed indie dance floor anthem, their last single, ‘Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt’ charted at a number twenty-one. This is the highest that any of their singles have climbed. Despite not having taken the charts by storm however, Keith divulges, “we sell more tickets than bands like Kaiser Chiefs who have sold more records than us. ” I ask him
WE WEREN'T ONE OF THOSE BANDS WHO DID A TOILED TOUR OF THE STATES.
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Manchester Central 13/12/07
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loc Party aren’t incendiary indie icons in the Marmite (you either love 'em or hate 'em) mould of a Doherty or a Borrell. “We were hoping for some progress, we are in a state of flux,” bellows Kele Okereke, his falsetto tones and angsty words crashing into an exuberant crowd. A bit of change is inevitable, and they have added some electro sounds, especially in their latest single, alongside even more disillusionment (“So I try and I give up” Kele screeches on 'Song for Clay' at worryingly castrato pitch). As if there weren’t enough indie kids staring mournfully from bridges looking as if they want to jump in… Foals and the ever-excellent Cribs provided the enjoyable foreplay. But when the headliners set off with 'Song for Clay', the recognisable schizophrenic guitar frenzy following the frontman’s tortured words, there was the long-awaited musi-
cal and lyrical orgasm, echoed by the crowd on a cold Manchester night. And things never really quietened down. Switching between numbers from their two albums with aplomb, finding an easy range between contemplative numbers ('Two More Years' and 'Positive Tension') and anthemic, guitar-heavy barnstormers ('Banquet' and 'Like Eating Glass'), Kele was in a jovial mood, full of jokes and banter. The second half of the set saw more blitzkrieg music (it seemed to go so quickly) – for 'Flux', green lasers danced around the arena, and the crowds did their best to keep up with the electro thump, before a frenzied sing-along version of 'Helicopter' to close. “Some things will never be different” they sang and, thankfully, Bloc Party have kept their infectious guitar riffs, anthemic lyrics and hyperactive energy. After all, why change a winning formula?
ANDY McGRATH
A
s far as naming a band goes, Diamond Hoo Ha Men is a pretty sub-standard re-branding, not boding well for this re-packaged, but still slightly tired 90s outfit. Following the highs-andlows story of Supergrass, the Brit-Pop boys decided to try to win “the kids” over at the Mean Fiddler under their new guise. Imagine the excitement rippling through the crowd of “youths” as they find out that the legendary Supergrass are playing, and contrast this to the disappointment following their largely feeble set. The recent spate of reunion gigs seem to remind people that they’re glad the Sex Pistols are no longer cutting edge, and can then be forgotten about. Diamond Hoo Ha Men seemed, however, to want to regenerate themselves, rather than remind people that 'Caught by the Fuzz' is quite a good song. Filling their set with unfamiliar new songs, their only concession to their old material was a rendition of 'Lenny'. That was it. Bleak as it may be for the band, all people wanted to hear were the hits. This was very much the audience reaction to the show: watching from the balcony I could see the crowd slowly dispersing mid-set, and the more stoic who lasted the whole gig trickling out of the main room with a confused disappointment. Everyone
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eliable informant, ‘The Metro’, has excitably labelled The Frizz as “Indie-Punk upstarts!” and this is true…apart from the indie…and the punk. They’re defining a new genre of upstarts everywhere, and I’m more embarrassed for them than proud. Despite since finding out that some of the band are 19 and 20 years old, The Frizz look like little more than a bunch of boys on guitars. The leadsinger, Aran MacCrae, may sound almost as though he’s got through puberty safe and sound, but it seems I’m very much mistaken when I spot the gaps where his baby teeth once were. The band’s many groupies will tell you they’re hot, but their many groupies are pretty much made up of anyone from their geography class who didn’t have coursework that night. Dearie me. But the swooning 15 year olds at the front are looking at Aran with adoring eyes. Apparently, he frequently takes the decision to “walk into a club” and I’m sure “he’s got a reputation” but not even the enthusiastic guitar solos can distract from the fact that this doesn’t even seem close to possible. The Frizz are a hardcore band for anyone who’s ever written I <3 P.T.O. in biro on their hand and written their initials on the other side. And the dwindling audience was clearly made up of those very girls. How embarrassing. Personally, I just wanted them to go home, do their homework and be nice to their little sisters.
HOLLIE PRICE
seemed to lean over to their friend with the words “that was a bit rubbish, wasn’t it?” on their lips. However, as average as they may have seemed, with the high expectations of the audience, could Diamond Hoo Ha Men ever win against the might of Supergrass? Possibly not, but they could still have played 'Alright' and let me catch my bus home early.
HELEN NIANIAS
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irstly, a confession: I am a complete Manics fangirl, of the most annoying variety. Thus, when I say that this was one of the best gigs I have ever been to, it should perhaps be taken with a pinch of salt. But even someone who only knows them as “that boring band from Wales with the bloke that went missing” would admit that this was a good gig, by anyone’s standards. The setlist concentrated heavily on their big singles: great for most of the crowd, whether they knew them from their late nineties success with 'A Design for Life' or from recent single 'Your Love Alone is Not Enough', but disappointing perhaps for many of the more obsessive fans who were hoping for a few rarities. Despite suffering from a bad case of flu, James Dean Bradfield’s voice was as good as ever, especially in the three song acoustic break, when, in a nod to the season, he treated the audience to a version of Wham’s 'Last Christmas'. Some people argue that the Manic Street Preachers are a dull, boring band who take themselves too seriously and should have split up years ago. But when a gig ends with a grinning Nicky
Wire, wearing a particularly fetching mini-skirt, sitting on top of Bradfield’s shoulders, it is clear that this is a band who are still enjoying themselves and are neither boring nor past their best: a view shared both by everyone in the audience, and by the NME who have awarded them the ‘Godlike Genius Award’ for 2008.
NICOLA SARD
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f you've never experienced Patrick Wolf live before, then all I can do is emplore you to go. You will never experience anything like it again, for as long as you live. Ever. Patrick opened the first half with nothing but him, a guitar and some red extentions. The entirety of this set was devoted to Patrick getting some down-time with his fans. Who would complain? It was a whole hour of undivided Wolf attention, accompanied by Bishi on piano and Final Fantasy on violin. The combination was phenominal. But once we'd stopped admiring Patrick's incredible talent, the fun began: he went off-stage to get changed and came back absolutely battered. The boy can obviously drink, as he seemed to have packed away quite a bit by the time he reappeared in silver pointed brogues and a cheap weave from Sheperds Bush. For the second half the band exploded on stage, whilst Patrick leapt around, climbing off stage, running through the crowd and swinging from air-vents. He even managed to sit on a security guard's head whilst making one of his excursions from the stage, and then wiggle his arse in the man's face before removing himself to climb another rafter. But wait, that is not all. For the encore Patrick reappeared dressed as a bird. At first, I thought it was a christmas decoration he was trying to impersonate due to the excess of glitter and the puffyness of his outfit. Then I noticed his bird hat, perched delicately on top of his weave with a little yellow beak poking out. He broke into 'The Magic Position' and we all danced wildly, or rather, drunkenly around the top floor of the venue. After the final song he then took about twenty minutes to tell his life story, thank everyone he loved and then trip over whilst finally exiting, falling flat on his face. I have never laughed at and with an artist so much in my life, and I doubt I've been to a better gig. Fact.
LOULLA-MAE ELEFTHERIOU-SMITH
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o here it is, the album that is supposedly going to revolutionise the way we purchase music gets a conventional CD release. So now the intense hype has subsided, it is now that we can finally concentrate on the question; Is it any good? The answer is an emphatic yes, the most instantly engaging and listenable Radiohead album in 10 years. In terms of the sound, ‘In Rainbows’ is somewhere between 'Kid A' and 'OK Computer', mixing the sparse drum beats of the former with the soaring melodies of the latter. This is most evident on the album’s magnificent highlight ‘All I Need’, in which the minimalistic drum loop intro evolves into a clattering finale, complete with grand piano and Thom Yorke’s banshee-like wail. In fact, it’s Yorke’s voice which characterises ‘In Rainbows’. This is shown most brilliantly on the closing track, ‘Videotape’, in which his voice has a hypnoctic touch as he reflects on his life before entering heaven. From the first few notes it is clear the listener is not going to be disappointed. You are instantly hooked, from the claustrophobic opener ‘15 Step’ to the frenetic ‘Bodysnatchers’, which is the closest we will probably ever get to another Radiohead rock song, a delightful mess of distorted guitars held together by a menacing bassline, circa ‘The National Anthem’. It leaves the listener begging for more of the same, yet in typical Radiohead fashion they go in the opposite direction, the guitars being more ‘Talk Show host’ than ‘My Iron Lung’. ‘In Rainbows’ probably doesn’t offer a huge amount to those outside of Radiohead’s traditional fanbase, yet to the already converted this is another Radiohead classic. Radiohead have once again proved themselves to be more audacious, more inventive and more downright brilliant than their contemporaries.
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MIKE REGAN
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ove Is All, a Swedish 4-piece are all mixed up on this mini-album featuring a variety of artists including Tapedeck, Hot Chip, Maps and Optimo covering songs from their 2006 album 'Nine Times That Same Song'. It starts out promisingly enough, with a cover of 'Felt Tip' by Fryars. The use of a deep male vocal sets this song apart from the rest of the album, which is dominated by the occasionally irritating voice of Josephine Olaussen, though this is perhaps due to overuse of particular voice samples rather than her singing style. Two versions of four remixes of Love Is All songs comprise the bulk of the album, though some of these pairs are so radically different it can be difficult to believe that they are the same song. This is no bad thing however, creating a diverse concoction of mixing and instrumental styles. Both versions of ‘Make Out Fall Out Make Up’ retain the distinctive yells of the title to be found in the original, though The Bees' mix, with its thumping bass line, is much more dance-worthy and memorable than that by Chicken Lips. Funk, dance and occasionally a little groove blend together with a splash of indie to salute Love Is All and create a compelling record; well, at least until Studio’s drawn out 10 minute adaptation of 'Turn the Radio Off'. Musically sound, the majority of these tracks are tight and well mixed, and definitely worth a listen.
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LAURA SOOLEY
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Mike Regan Robyn
L-EMPIRE - OUT NOW
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link 182 were a fantastic punk rock band. They were at the top of their craft. Their demise was a great shame in the rock community and they left behind a void which another band has yet to fill. Anyone hoping that lead singer Tom Delonge’s new band Angels and Airwaves might do the job will be sadly let down when they hear their latest offering 'I-Empire', which is pretty much the polar opposite of everything Blink stood for. A frankly dull offering with a freaky space-age theme and egotistical lyrics, this album drags on and on with all songs being at least two minutes too long (and that’s including the achingly boring 2minute long instrumental ‘Star of Bethlehem’). Worse than the poor song and lyric writing is Tom’s production with so-called ‘percussiony bits and sonic manipulations’ adding absolutely nothing to an already over-indulgent set of background-music tracks. Worse still is Tom’s complete lack of vocal enthusiasm. He seems to have no conviction in his words and sings flatly along to the boring backing which sounds like it was produced by a band chained to their instruments and forced to play against their will. Occasionally a song sounds like it may be building up to something, such as on final track ‘Heaven’, but at over 6minutes long it still never seems to peak and falls flat on its face - like every single other song on the album. This is an extremely disappointing effort for a band who once declared they were going to the best band in the world. This album reveals them to be so far off that mark it’s almost sad.
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RACHAEL EYTON
'Be Mine' 14/01/08
The accompanying press release would have you believe that ‘Be Mine’ is a tale of "intense and unrequited love". For a song handling such a touchy and emotional subject, lines like "she was wearing that scarf I gave you, then you bent down and tied her shoelaces" hardly move you to tears. However, whilst Robyn misses an opportunity here to laugh at the poor dexterity of her love rival, she has not missed the opportunity to corner the market in boring, if mildly catchy, pop songs. It will be a hit without doubt, but Rhianna shan't be quaking in her knee high leather boots.
Cut Off Your Hands 'Oh Girl' Out Now
Despite having a rather gruesome name, Cut Off Your Hands' music is anything but. Their second single is a lesson in the creation of pretty, harmless indie pop. Though hailing from New Zealand, this four-piece seem very familiar with The Kooks’s first album - not a bad career move it would seem, with ‘Oh Girl’ likely to render Cut Off Your Hands as the twee, part-time indie kids' favourite band...until The Kooks return, that is.
The Hoosiers 'Worst Case Scenario' 07/01/08
After the oddball pop brilliance of their first two singles, ‘Worst Case Scenario’ is a slight let down. It lacks the irresistible pop hooks of their previous efforts and sounds like Boy Kill Boy sung by the Rumble Strips. This can hardly be a good thing. With their album finally hitting the shelves last week, this blip comes at the worst possible time and may suggest that there is little more to The Hoosiers than what we have already heard.
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s lead singer of a worldwide stadium conquering outfit, one would have thought Dave Gahan to be a man reasonably secure within himself. Yet for the vast majority of Depeche Mode’s 20 year career, Gahan has been anything but. Blighted by a crippling heroin addiction, and unable to cope with the anguish caused by his lack of creative input into the songs which had made him a star, Gahan was a troubled individual. But with writing credits on Depeche Mode’s most recent album, a solo album of his own and most importantly a clean lifestyle, it seems all has never been better in the Gahan camp. Though you would not think it by this eternally gloomy second solo effort: lines such as “I walk alone and you know I never felt at home” (from 'Little Lie') are pretty typical of the record as a whole. Both musically and lyrically, ‘Hourglass’ is just all a bit difficult to listen to. It starts off promisingly; the opening two tracks would not feel out of place on any Depeche Mode album, the sinister electronics and prominent drumbeats mixing perfectly with Gahan’s threatening croon to great effect. But thereafter the album meanders down ever more frustrating paths: behind every impenetrable song you sense there is a decent tune trying to get out, but the overproduction and all pervasive gloom just leaves the listener longing for something more enjoyable. It 's not really difficult to see why Martin Gore, Depeche Mode’s creative muse, sought to deny Gahan any real creative input on their work. ‘Hourglass’, despite having its moments, is a truly disappointing album.
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MIKE REGAN
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ll Our Good Friends is singer-songwriter Johnny Daukes who, Google tells me, once performed motorcycle stunts in a music video for Westlife. This doesn’t really have any bearing on his music at all, but at least suggests that he’s marginally more interesting than most other singer-songwriters. 'Promises' starts off, um, promisingly, with 'This', which marries Daukes’ delicate vocals with an acoustic guitar, before ending in the sound of rolling waves in a storm. Other highlights include 'Radio', which used backing vocals to good effect, and his appreciation for Radiohead is clear on 'Replay'. However, there is little variation from this formula of vocals and acoustic guitar throughout the album, and although the tracks themselves are of a high quality, there is little to distinguish between them and the album does begin to drag after a while. This sort of lo-fi album depends on the quality of the lyrics, thoughtfully provided on the band’s website. Although they mainly concentrate on the well-worn topic of the breakdown of a relationship, thankfully Daukes steers clear of clichés. This is not the kind of music that you would want to get up and dance to, but when you need calm, relaxing music – when you’re struggling to write the last couple of thousand words of your dissertation, or about to throw your revision notes on a particularly thrilling topic out of the window in despair – this album is more than suitable.
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NICOLA SARD
Supergrass
'Diamond Hoo Ha Man' 14/01/088 After their more stripped down vibe in recent years, ‘Diamond Hoo Ha Man’ indicates that Supergrass are returning to the scuzzy garage rock that made us love them in the first place. They may be a band destined to permanently hold that mid-afternoon festival slot when few are paying much attention, but this song deserves a lot more. It is the sound of a band doing what they do best: producing simple, catchy riffs that would even have Stephen Hawkings tapping his feet.
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HOLLIE PRICE TELLS YOU WHY: IT'S THEM AGAINST THE WORLD...
Lead singer Owen Brinley’s big sad brown eyes, floppy fringe and high-pitched Kate Bushstyle melodies bespeak his one-man battle against society, the world and pretty much everything... on his nana’s keyboard. The band’s previously released single, ‘Shadow Committee’, rises and falls with this misery and betrayal. He says jokingly: “Suicide’s the answer. That’s your tagline.” Rory meanwhile, who shunned a degree at Oxford for the band, stares dreamily at the ceiling saying: “I would have liked to do an English degree...” On the outside of further education, on the outside of any indie category…they’re a band of outsiders. Fear not and read on however, for they are not the next My Chemical Romance.
“controlled and calculating mess”. These are songs you can jiggle to. Or gracefully choke back a sob to, depending.
THEIR NEW SONGS ARE AN "ELECTRO ODDITY".
Enough said.
Their new Double A-side single, ‘Dilemma’/ ‘Polar Swelling’, will be released at the end of February. “Both songs are a lot more synthetic sounding than our last recording. There are lots of keyboards, synths and robots.” It’s an end-of-the-world symphony which “sounds like Mars colliding with Earth, like in that film with Bruce Willis and Aerosmith.” Their album, with the working title ‘Metrosexual Healing’, is set for release sometime this year. Despite singer Owen exhibiting some early symptoms of Borrell, as a whole the band are really quite modest when discussing the releases, stating that: “the tracks are sounding so good, we’re not quite sure how we’ve pulled it off ”.
IT ALL STARTED IN A GLOOMY ROALD DAHL STYLE BASEMENT IN LEEDS.
THEY'RE INFLUENCED BY EVERTHING, FROM MUSCLES TO METROSEXUALITY.
THEY HAVE A LOVELY TASTE IN POINTY SHOES.
“It was pretty violent.” There was biting and pinching aplenty: “like Fight Club but with Meatloaf and lactating nipples,” remembers Owen. It isn’t clear exactly where these lactating nipples come from…or Meatloaf, but perhaps it’s the reason why their cellist, Rebecca Dumican chose to leave the band. Let’s hope her replacement, the “insane, but very talented, Swede,” Emilia Ergin, can handle the dark…
THEY'RE 'COMPLIPOP', NOT INDIE. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
Looking at the self-admitting “grumpy bunch of miserable cunts” from Leeds, you might assume that they are a generic indie band: Skinny skinny skinny jeans - check. Bottlesized spectacles and a grimy satchel or two - check. Looking discontent with everything check. However, Grammatics’ music does not come under any existing colour of the indie rainbow, and is certainly not rivalry for guitar-happy heavyweights such as Bloc Party and The Cribs. Bassist Rory O’Hara explains that they’re more fragile than that: “we just focus on beautiful melodies rather than huge guitar riffs”. So more Suede or The Smiths than Razorlight, I’m thinking. Grammatics describe their “complicated pop music” as a
The band lists everything from bicycles to post-punk bands like The Raincoats to Bruce Willis’ muscles to Jimi Hendrix to each other as their influences.
THE FUTUREHEADS LOVE THEM TOO.
Yes indeed, Grammatics begin their tour supporting the Futureheads in January. They’ll be playing at The Foundry in Sheffield on 26th January and at Leeds Uni Mine Bar on the 17th. They’re not hoping for the world quite yet though, as Owen says, “I just look forward to the day when we have our own sound guy, who can set everything up for us”.
A GRAMMATICS GIG IS "LIKE SKIING NAKED DOWN A MOUNTAIN OF CHEESE GRATERS".
Owen’s favourite gig was in a Fifties bowling alley in London, a “right House of Fun”. Already in the know about how to deal with those slightly-too-enthusiastic fans, Rebecca once kicked an excitable Swedish boy off of her cello. Owen boasts that he “wiped him out” with his guitar. It’s not all ribbons and flowers, and robots and Meatloaf…But Grammatics will make it through.
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Laura Cooney prays that 2008 will bring cinema back up to scratch...
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
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s you rejoice in your student loan replenshing the bank account you mined over the festive season and count up the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broken (drink less, no more junk food, write your essays with more than twenty-four hours to go before you hand them in), it’s time to look back on an admittedly disappointing cinematic 2007, that began with so much promise yet ultimately sank faster than a pirate ship in a Gore Verbinski film. So with the past year ending up just a little on the hollow side – let’s be honest, we had high hopes for the plethora of ‘threequels’ despite knowing we were setting ourselves up for disappointment – is 2008 going to be any better? Admittedly this year does, on paper, look pretty solid. To begin with, the Oscars (if of course they happen in light of the Golden Globes cancellation) are, like the other race on the far side of the pond, quite possibly anyone’s game. As a general rule, in perhaps a homage to the influx of 9/11 films over the past couple of years, there is a wave of Iraq-related films, most of which involve Tommy Lee Jones, who should get at least one nomination for either the Coen brothers’ No Country for Old Men (winning plaudits as their most brilliant – and serious – film yet) or In the Valley of Elah. It’s also quite possible than Jason Reitman, director of the very funny Thank You for Smoking, could score big with Juno, a comedy about a pregnant teenager - this year’s Little Miss Sunshine and consequently predicted to cause a massive upset - or that Paul Thomas Anderson could snatch Best Director
Surprisingly lacks practical advice on the exact technique involved in killing such a creature. Never truly delivering the promised information, the film consistently branches off on tangents, the director constantly preoccupying himself with developing a “story”.
STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT
Goes down with “Snakes On A Plane”, “The Blob” and “Billy The Kid Vs Dracula” as a movie that fails to reach the almighty heights of its title. Sure, whilst they lack the car, and hair, of Starsky and Hutch, the sexual tension of Batman and Robin, Police Detective Joe Bomowski (Sylvester Stallone) and his (feisty) mother could quite simply have been the greatest crime fighting duo since Turner and Hooch.
Wardrobe, and indicating which way the next films might go to not an entirely desirable effect, it still has the potential to impress. Likewise David Yates, saviour of the Harry Potter franchise, is back for the sixth in the series, which if the book is anything to go by promises to be the best yet, and there’s the thrilling if dubious prospect of Bond 22, possibly the least inspiring title ever... Harrison Ford’s pension fund has been considerably swelled with the promising and long-awaited
THE NEVERENDING STORY
An obvious choice. Assured quite literally far more than a lifetime of entertainment, but when the credits rolled a mere 92 minutes into the viewing, the title/advertising “gimmick” was revealed a sick joke. Like most of the audience around me I was left feeling short changed - unlike the man I bought a sleeping bag/years supply of tinned
THIS COULD BE BRILLIANTLY FANTASTIC OR MASSIVELY DISAPPOINTING. for There Will Be Blood. It’s even rumoured that Juno’s star could cause a huge upset and severely wound the nomination-tastic Charlie Wilson’s War, a tale of the US Congress’ antiSoviet funding in 1980s Afghanistan, which stars the proven Oscar fodder of Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts or Philip Seymour Hoffman. And if you’re not up for a serious film, then sit tight for the summer. Whisper it: it doesn’t look half bad. Compared to last year, when the absolutely horrendous Transformers proved to be the money-maker, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was a refreshing change for the fantasy bulwark that had threatened to spiral out of control and things went horribly wrong for the Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek and Spider-Man franchises, there are some definite treats in store. The Narnia franchise, missing presumed dead despite making good numbers at Christmas 2005, is back with Prince Caspian – admittedly less thrilling than The Lion, The Witch and the
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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, in what’s undoubtedly the riskiest prospect of the year; this could be brilliantly fantastic or massively disappointing. I would mention my rule about Shia LaBeouf being a terrible actor, but the last person I said that about – Heath Ledger – has proved me vastly wrong. In what was perhaps one of, if not the highlights of last year, his handful of dialogue in the teaser trailer for Christopher Nolan’s Batman sequel 'The Dark Knight' is genuinely terrifying. Roll on July 25th! Of course, if plain downright weird is your thing, then Johnny Depp singing in Tim Burton’s adaptation of the not-quite-horror musical Sweeney Todd is bound to be worth a look. Mind you, we did say this last year; there was certainly plenty of potential in the line-up for 2007, and it all went horribly wrong. But then being an optimist never hurt anyone, and therefore as a parting shot to the previous year: 2007 is dead, long live 2008!
It Happened One Night Dir: Frank Capra, 1934
No collection of classic comedy or cinema would be complete without 1934’s It Happened One Night. It was the first film to win all five major Oscar categories (best actor, actress, director, picture, and screenplay) and held that title until 1975’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest usurped it. Starring Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, the film follows Colbert as spoiled heiress Ellie Andrews, who hits the road in order to run away from her father’s controlling clutches. On the road she meets Peter Warne (Gable), a struggling journalist who sees Ellie as his opportunity of the biggest scoop of his career. Colbert’s iconic pouty vulnerability melds perfectly with Gable’s gruff, street-wise chatter as throughout their journey the two struggle to gain the upper hand. Although Colbert’s Ellie is an superb mix of winy teenager and sultry minx, it is Gable’s Peter that really delivers. Cracking jokes at His-Girl-Fridayspeed while dominating the screen as a caring man in a bind, it was Gable’s interpretation of Peter that led to the creation of the character Bugs Bunny (though Gable of course radiates more sex appeal than the cartoon rabbit). This film is a must-see in that it hails from an era before comedy became a passe medium; this is a pure comedic gem that shouldn’t be ignored just because of its production date- watch it.
LAUREN KELLY
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE (I, II & III) It just all seemed too... ...easy.
HOW TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE Advise on how to marry a millionaire if you look like Marilyn Monroe, the star of this movie, could be given by anyone, and detailed in minutes. Sit still. Pout. Laugh/smile at appropriate points during the conversation. Better still would be a film of the same name, filled with information for us mere mortals, endowed with faces that belong on the backside of a
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Director: Francis Lawrence
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magine been the last person alive in the world? This is the situation Will Smith finds himself in in I am Legend the third adaptation of Richard Matheson’s book of the same name. A man-made cure for cancer inconveniently wipes out 5 billion of the world’s population and is quite frankly inconsiderate as it reduces another 900,000 into night craving, blood thirsty ‘infected’. Luckily there is a sole survivor, even luckier he is a doctor trying desperately to find a cure for the disease. The films main strength lies in the shots of a desolate, eerie New York which are effective and at times un-nerving and give a perfect back drop to the scenes of Will Smith’s character Dr Neville foraging for food in deserted apartments and hunting for gazelle in Time Square. However at night Dr Neville must hide from the ‘infected’ in his shuttered apartment, the evident claustrophobia of this kind of existence is only evident in one moving shot of Smith and his dog Sam huddled together in a bath tub, other than this Smiths post apocalyptic world seems overly sanitized, he enjoys occasional trips to the video store, treadmills, fast cars and Bob Marley, who is incidentally and inexplicably crow-barred into the plot at every opportunity. Smith’s acting is engaging and occasionally moving but he is given scarce tools to display his talents, the mental effects of Smiths solitude is only seen in glimpses of him talking to manikins and his relationship with his dog Sam, and these are often treated with humour, his isolation and mental disintegration and never fully explored. There are also brief tantalising clues that the ‘infected’ are themselves evolving, becoming organised, intelligent and in one scene even showing love for one another. In the original novel Matheson follows this to its conclusion with an infected community evolving and civilization beginning again. In Lawrence’s film convention wins out and this potentially rewarding avenue is never explored. However I believe the real downfall of this film will be the inevitable comparisons with the far superior 28 Days Later which shares the main plot and was far more entertaining, with a better script, superior and more realistic CGI and a less comfortable but more convincing approach to the apocalypse. In conclusion Lawrence’s film is all foreplay and no climax. Again and again I felt let down by the films lack of conviction, sub-plots were begun but never finalised. In the end this gives the film a confused disjointed feel that leads to a sugar coated copout ending that lets down some intelligent and promising build-up.
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ANDREW NICHOLS
Director: Oliver Parker
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Director: Marc Forster
n 1970s Afghanistan, Amir and his best friend Hassan, the son of his father’s servant, share a love of literature, much to the chagrin of Amir’s father, who expects his son to be more of a fighter and suppress his talent for writing, a trait Amir shares with his dead mother. In an attempt to win back his father’s love, Amir becomes a kite fighter, with Hassan displaying an unusually strong gift for being able to rescue the kites which Amir wins. Unfortunately their winning team falls foul of a local bully, whose gang beat up and abuse Hassan, a fact that Amir is aware of but of which the two friends never speak. Years later, Amir, now married and living in California, receives a phone call from a friend of his father’s, inviting him back to Afghanistan to help Hassan’s son avoid a similar fate at the hands of the Taliban. Beautifully shot and visually arresting – an early market scene gives you the feeling that you can almost reach out and touch the streets of Kabul thirty years ago – with perhaps one of the most harrowing and controversial pivotal scenes of the year, and stunning performances from the young actors in the three lead roles, The Kite Runner has established a well-deserved reputation as one of the most controversial films of 2007, and consequently potentially the most expensive; in fear of the child actors being abused in Afghanistan, all three have been moved to the United Arab Emirates with their families and are being provided with living expenses until they reach adulthood. Despite this and the fact that the film is mostly in Persian dialect, possibly restricting its accessibility (and almost ironic given that this is the first novel in English by an Afghan author), The Kite Runner is a stunning, powerful, sprawling film which rightly deserves a win from the Academy come March.
LAURA COONEY
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I don't understand what purpose Mischa Barton serves in this film, unless it's just to piss me off. Her pouty portrayal of JJ French as role model for the young, beautiful and swindling, made me throw up a bit in my mouth. Other than this pointless bit of casting (alongside a pointless three-minute mimed performance from Girls Aloud at the very end) this film actually delivered. Shock! Horror! A re-make that isn't totally shit? I know, it's very rare, if not nigh-on impossible, but the film is very self-conscious. Though it has it's cringe-worthy parts in which you are forced to realise that only a 14 year old would 'totally get it' without being embarrassed (hello, emos? in St Trinians? pur-lease) it actually is laugh-out-loud funny. The school itself is filled with scheming, tricksy girls who leave grown men quaking in their wake and is described by Miss Fritton as being "like Hogwarts for chavs". Her father and aunt leave Rupert Everett unrecognisable though he plays both parts, brilliantly at that, and Russell Brand proves that even he can play it straight long enough to tape a whole film. His role as Flash 'Arry doesn't leave you swooning, but actually pretty impressed with his pulling off the 'heist'. One man who does make you swoon however, is Colin Firth. Oh Mr Darcy, how we long for those days of your running through the lake and emerging in a soaking white t-shirt. But wait, it actually happens again. That's right ladies, he's not called Mr Darcy (actually the dog he kills is) but the film very-awaredly tries to re-inact the sacred scene. Much to the enjoyment of many. This film is filled with cheek, wit and lots of laughs. Even if you're laughing at and not with it, you should still see it. Fact.
LOULLA-MAE ELEFTHERIOU-SMITH, JASMINE PHILLIPS, ANNA BEVAN.
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teleVISION TURN ON...
The TV Internet revolution that we were all promised isn't here yet... but there is a way it can be, says Scott Bryan.
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efore I say anything let me just state that the BBC’s iPlayer, in a word, is fantastic. For the first time you can now download for free, 250 BBC programmes straight on to your computer up to seven days after it was originally broadcasted. It is a sleek, nifty, free, high resolution piece of kit but sadly, all-in-all, it isn’t enough to get truly excited about. The BBC iPlayer limitations does not make it a TV revolution. There isn't much flexibility in what we can watch, programmes are deleted after just seven days, so my advice here is to keep watching illegal internet TV or downloading it. Why? The BBC’s limited attempt of internet TV does not give the flexibility and freedom TV viewers need, and the only way we would be able to convince the BBC and other broadcasters is if we continue to do the very activity they least want us to do. Internet users have been setting the trend regarding the way that they can absorb TV media, and it has finally hit broadcasters on their foreheads that by creating an easy approachable service such as the iPlayer, they could stop the decline of television in the internet age. In fact the story of TV downloading is the same as the one regarding the music industry. In 2002 CD sales were plummeting as a consequence of the rise of illegal music downloads. The music industry desperately tried to fight back shutting sites like Napster down and suing the pants off any die-hard downloader. But the illegal downloader had it right. Tastes had changed. The CD was on the way out, we wanted our music all on one screen and in our pocket. By shutting down these sites the music industry was worsening themselves by continuing to ‘flog a dead horse’. By clenching on to the idea of supporting legal music downloads, and reformulating it so that music can be purchased for a small fee legally, the downloader would have the most choice and flexibility, and the music industry would rake it in. The result was iTunes, selling three billion records in by July last year, and the music revolution arrived. So this system of events is slowly the same as what is happening to the way we watch TV programmes, but we are still stuck as we were with the music industry several years ago over a clash of interests over blumming copyright. At the same time as we are now able to watch shows on their laptop for free through the iPlayer and 4OD, TV companies have been screaming that TV shows should not be shown on YouTube ( Viacom is threatening to sue YouTube up to billions of dollars for showing programmes on their channels) as well as closing down popular yet illegal TV sites (such as the closure of TV Links last Autumn). They claimed that TV was losing audiences and
...TURN OFF iTunes will have movie rentals to download from this month, although at the moment it is presently unclear on whether this service will also debut in the UK. In America the rentals will cost between $5- $10 per film, but the film will be automatically erased possibly as soon as 24 hours after you first start watching it.
they were losing money as a result. This is, when in reality nowadays, TV is the ‘dead horse’ that they are flogging. So if we look at the iPlayer it is a step forward, but this is far from what is considered to be revolutionary. Instead of all of the nagging over copyright if downloads were managed in a way that they could still get cash such as by advertising and we could keep our own our TV shows forever just like our DVD collection it would be better for everyone. And I promise you, if current trends continue, and if TV broadcasters drop their inhibitions, within the next few years all of this will happen. With faster internet speeds, hopefully we can soon watch all the programmes we’ve ever wanted, on demand, at our own leisure, on our PC, forever. Its only when we get our own way that the real TV revolution will really begin, just in the meantime we are getting a raw deal.
LOOK WHAT'S COMING TO A T.V. NEAR YOU...
Susan accidentally causes a hit and run accident on Bridget causing her life to hang in the balance in hospital. Susan then confesses, gets arrested and gets grief from her school. Meanwhile focus is turned on Bridget as her life support machine only has 24 hours until it gets turned off by doctors. Meanwhile Nick reveals his kidnap plot and Rachael is rushed to hospital. Laughs all round.
BONG! News at Ten is back this week. BONG! The good old Trevor Macdonald has been taken out of retirement so he can present the news with Sky News headliner Julie Etchingham, who once mistakenly on air referred to the Tories new immigration policy as ‘extermination’ when she didn’t realise her mic was still on… BONG! And there is apparently not going to be any ‘standing up’ news presenting on the channel news any more, so sadly you won’t see their legs, nor see them dance across the screen while they try to speak with people with BIG faces on BIG screens in the background. Instead they will be sitting down…
Writer's Strike update - David Letterman and other chat show hosts have returned to their screens, due to either special agreements with their writers or because they are now writing the scripts themselves. So, could this sign the beginning of the end of the off-screen drama? All major US drama productions are still on hold for the time being lution to the plot, and as for the TV awards, the Golden Globe ceremony has been instead replaced by a news conference. So... er no. I think we can agree that we are in for the long haul.
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THE A.L. KENNEDY SELECTION... NAOMI LEVER talks to A L Kennedy...
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lcoholics. Sadomasochists. Recluses. Embittered war veterans. And one Cyrano de Bergerac. It makes for an eclectic catalogue of characters; surely one therefore has the right to expect the creator of such weird and wondrous personages to be at least mildly bonkers? A.L. Kennedy, however, proves refreshingly normal. Sardonic, eloquent, and (perhaps just a tad disappointingly) apparently not insane in the slightest. When asked about her creative fascination with the ostracised oddities dwelling in the underbelly of society, the Dundee native wryly retorts,“Very few people are actually all that functional, I find. I think anyone you look at closely enough begins to come apart at some levels. Then again, they also become more beautiful.” It’s hard to tell whether this is a bleak or a cheerful worldview: such a bewildering dichotomy lies at the heart of Kennedy’s oeuvre. Her fourth and most commercially successful novel, ‘Paradise’, tells the tale of Hannah Luckraft: drink-sodden and desperate yet still capable of fascinating readers. For all her moral ambiguity and frustrating monomaniac complex, Hannah remains, as Kennedy puts it, “beautiful”.
sense that any less vague statements would be wholly out of character for Kennedy, perhaps even scoffed at as spoon-feeding. She seems stridently independent and determined to cultivate this trait in others. She has never been on a writing course, yet she has been writer in residence at Copenhagen University, creative writing lecturer at St Andrew’s and is currently Associate Professor
tary career. It was a move that flummoxed the majority of cynical media hacks, who found themselves rudely robbed of their habitual description of Kennedy’s work: bleak. Yet examined in more detail the shift from one medium to the other is not so extreme in her case: there’s a biting satire and a quip-like neatness to her writing that lends itself perfectly to stand-up. Musing on her antics in the two fields, Kennedy
ANYONE YOU LOOK AT CLOSELY ENOUGH BEGINS TO COME APART This is, of course, partly due to the deliciously lyrical flamboyance of her writing: at once otherworldly and gritty, magical and visceral. Reading a sentence of hers is like watching Roger Federer’s forehand – so elegantly crafted that you find yourself turning green and frothing at the mouth with frenzied envy, knowing that, relatively speaking, all your shots ricochet off the racquet’s frame and concuss the duchesses in the Royal Box. Kennedy is at once cheerfully elusive and endearingly modest when I ask her how on earth she comes up with such wonderful writing. “I just rewrite a lot - and then rewrite some more. And then some more.” For the mere mortals among us, she assures me, “It’s just a slog, mainly. Initial idea, then puzzle-solving, investigation and slog.” Helpful hints for the aspiring author, they aren’t. However, I get the
with her alma mater, Warwick University’s Creative Writing Programme. A conflict of principles? Not really. Kennedy is quick to point out her purpose in these appointments: “I’m there as a writer, talking to other writers about their work - that always teaches me something.” So she might not advocate the unwritten rules of writing advocated by the antihero of her wedge of a novel, ‘Everything You Need’, Nathan Staples’– such enigmatic snippets as “Disregard”, “No-one can stop you writing” and “Pay attention” – but perhaps she approves of – and even practises – his chosen methods of communal creativity. Having pointed out that the role is rewarding to both ostensible ‘teacher’ and ‘pupil’, she is still keen to emphasise that she does not exist to mollycoddle the students – and nor is this necessary. “As a writer you should write - you don’t need a course, or to pay for anything, or to buy books about writing - just read all you can and
REVIEW IS SO DEGRADED NOW write all you can. You’ll teach yourself and if you’re lucky you’ll never stop learning and if you’re lucky it will improve the quality of your life and if you’re lucky you’ll be published. Probably in that order.” Kennedy is fundamentally pragmatic about the realities of a writer’s life, and more than willing to poke fun at the odd lives that they lead. Indeed, her acclaimed foray into stand-up comedy at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe tackled just that subject, musing wryly on oddly perfumed B&Bs and the tribulations of a supposedly soli-
finds them more similar than dissimilar. “At a certain level it’s all using language, chatting, telling stories. Comedy is more social, more physical, more fun, more purging and balancing at certain levels - it’s more selfish - immediate payoff, immediate release. They’re both good for keeping me comfortable and they both sharpen each other up in ways I’m still exploring.” For all these calming dismissals of her career moves being bizarre, controversy – and indeed, provoking controversy – is certainly not something that she shies away from. Until recently, her personal website had been used to play the media at their own game, posting insightful, critical and plain daft quotes from reviews – and then reviewing them. Disappointingly, it’s a game that she has outgrown. “For a while I wanted to highlight the state of reviewing ... but it’s so degraded now, I don’t want to do that any more.” Her new technique for media handling now appears to be the deliberate ignorance and passivity that is now in vogue among celebrity circles. “I deal with the media by watching very little TV, reading no newspapers, getting my information direct, or from the internet. You have to interact a little, but I really try to keep that to a minimum - there are people whose opinion matters to me, but not a stranger on a time limit with a point to prove...” Cringe. As cutting as Kennedy’s generic sarcasm may be, this stranger on a time limit with a point to prove still has her opinions on the author. All preconceptions of a macabre eccentric cackling over her laptop are diminished once Kennedy’s forthright lack of insanity pushes her bizarre creations aside. While her privacy remains closely guarded, glimpses of the person behind the words can be snatched, revealing a woman who is fiercely opinionated, mildly draconic, but – sidelining miscreant-student-sent-to-headmistress timidity – undeniably entertaining company.
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LISTINGS GOT JANUARY BLUES? GET HELP WITH... ...Samantha Cowley
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hat’s even more Russian than vodkat? Well my friends that would be Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. This tragic novel, a little bit like Eastenders, is all about ‘faaaaaymlee’ (family), even if the family is a branch of the Russian nobility and are in fact not Cockneys. Anna, the eponymous heroine travels from Moscow to St.Petersburg to heal the rift between her brother, Prince Stephen and Dolly, his wife, on the discovery of his infidelities. There Anna meets Count Vronsky, the man who will cause the break up of her own marriage. Vronsky, a dashing young army officer and suitor of Dolly’s sister Kitty becomes so enraptured by Anna he effectively jilts Kitty and thus throws her into more emotional turmoil than an entire series of the O.C. Let’s not get down hearted for Kitty as this leads the way for another main character; the idealistic Levin to propose: good times. Anna, forced to leave her son, and Vronsky, forced to renounce his army career are shunned by society and eventually end up in Italy: bad times. It gets worse, Anna’s husband refuses her a divorce so she can never become Vronsky’s wife and regain her reputation or gain custody of her son. Becoming more and more frustrated at their constant arguing, Vronsky walks out. Anna sends him word to come back but through mischance he never receives it. Anna goes after him and when she reaches the train station she throws herself on the track, committing suicide to punish her lover. Doom and gloom, this is no fairytale romance. REBECCA BLACK
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his ‘insight into the devil-bearded mind-fiddler himself ’ (Zoo Magazine) is not a ‘magicians secrets revealed’ manual, instead offering a wider understanding into the psychological illusion and persuasive techniques underlying his craft. The ‘deception and exaggeration’ revealed at the centre of his work -’a relationship with a person whereby you can lead him, economically and deftly, to experience an event as magical’- is followed by highly perceptive discussions on various aspects of human behaviour. The chapter on self -image and assertiveness is particularly persuasive in its simple truth ‘It is about do or don’t do. In social life we are defined by our actions; our thoughts or intentions don’t mean very much unless they lead to action…’. The book contains surprisingly biographical elements - Brown being an evangelical Christian in his teen years, leading to discussion of the human inclination to uphold self-reinforcing belief systems. Such philosophising remains readable through a humorous and self - deprecating writing style, consolidated by the further reading list he provides. Though at times such humour misses the mark, ‘Derren Brown was born in Croydon in 1971. It was a difficult birth - his mother was in Devon at the time.’, it does preserve his open-minded stance, avoiding a Darwinesque atheist rant. Whilst certain details such as Brown’s love of painting at weekends may only interest fans such as myself, the practical application of the memory techniques section should impress those doubtful of the entertainer’s credibility. As an amusing and insightful introduction to a range of mind trickeries, this doesn’t disappoint.
EMILIE ROOHAN
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iterature-wise, the benefits of hindsight are not always, in fact, beneficial. Perusing Plath indifferently, without scrutinising every sentence for subtle allusions to ovens is impossible. The pink elephant in Jane Austen’s parlour is shaped like the Mr Darcy she never found. And reading Terry Pratchett’s latest Discworld installment is steeped in pathos. With the author’s candid revelation that he is suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s still ringing in my ears, I couldn’t help but deliberately read ‘Making Money’ slowly, savouring every word in case it was Pratchett’s last. Of course, Pratchett would find this sentimentality rather risible – this is the man whose jacket-sleeve autobiographies used to gleefully proclaim that he still wasn’t dead. But even so, the thirty-first deliriously bonkers tale certainly deserves to be wallowed in at length. Financial finicking does not come top of the subject matter list for any save the most masochistic of students’ reading lists; as for one who succumbs to heinous guilt trips at the sight of cash machines and who has to look at her bank balance through sweaty fingers, the very thought is anathema. Yet when Pratchett turns his gifts for zany subversion upon the institution of Ankh-Morpork’s Royal Mint, all terrors and tremblings are dissipated. Reacquainting Discworld fanatics with the unfortunately christened Moist von Lipwig, ‘Making Money’ bounds through the flamboyant fraud’s swaggering re-vamp of banking with gusto, traumatised clowns and ancient golem armies. Not to mention a pampered pup that would put Paris Hilton’s chihuahas to shame (at least she didn’t leave a bank to hers). It’s by no means Pratchett’s masterpiece. But Pratchett below par is wittier. wackier and wiser than most other authors at their best.
NAOMI LEVER
The nights may be officially shortening but it doesn’t feel like it here in deepest darkest Yorkshire so Vision presents a selection of nostalgic reads to snuggle up with until Spring
BBC Golden boy Ricky Gervais may be on his way down after the Diana Memorial Concert but Flanimals: The Day of the Bletchling was still top of Vision’s Christmas list. Described as a mix between Edward Lear and David Attenborough, Gervais wittily
indoctrinates the modern child with his views on Darwinian Natural Selection. The ‘adult’ jokes seem far too obvious for Children’s Literature. Meet the ‘Munge Fuddler’, favourite habit: fuddling the soft dangly parts of Flanimal underbellies! (Faber Children's Books 12.99)
The God of travel writing, Bill Bryson, trips back into his own past as an under appreciated Superhero growing up in Des Moines, Iowa. 'The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid' will make you yearn for a ‘milk and cookies’ American childhood and leave you wondering why your own youth wasn’t peppered with atomic toilets and impromptu beer heists. (Black Swan £7.99)
Not Roald Dahl’s usual outing but possibly one of his best. Plenty of the familiar alliterative nonsense but given a more sinister twist as Little Billy, tempted by the devil, journeys into the Forest of Sin. Patrick Benson’s haunting illustrations alternately delight (who hasn’t wanted to live in a tree and travel by swallow) and terrify with the unseen yet nightmare-provoking Red-Hot-SmokeBelching-Gruncher. (Puffin £5.99)
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WHAT NOT TO MISS THIS CHRISTMAS...
Anna Wormleighton to actor Martin Barrass about what makes the York panto quite so special.
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t’s 03.15 am and a cold, drizzly morning in York town centre. A line is beginning to form in the rain, with people bracing themselves for a six-hour wait to get their tickets while most of the city still sleeps. But this is no celebrity coming to York. It’s the morning that tickets go on sale for the celebrated York Theatre Royal Christmas panto that runs from December until early February. The hundred or so people in the queue by the time that the box office opens at nine o’clock are among the stalwarts who faithfully come back to the York panto year in year out. And they’d be the first to confirm that, despite the rain, it’s bloody well worth the wait. A week before opening night I meet Martin Barrass, currently starring in this year’s panto, Sinbad the Sailor, written and co-directed by the legendary Berwick Kaler whom Barrarss refers to as The Master. “You just watch and learn with Kaler”, Barrass says in a tone of affectionate awe. Despite this being Barrass’s 22nd year in the York Theatre Royal annual panto, he doesn’t carry with him the scent of seasoned cynicism I had anticipated. Instead, his boyish enthusiasm and gawky animation in telling me about the panto bring home what is still so truly alive and charming about this rather quirky, unique-to-England art form. York’s 2006 pantomime, Cinderella, was hailed by the national press as being one of the best pantos in the country. Every year the event attracts nearly 50,000 people, many coming back more than once. So what’s the key to its success? “Berwick writes the best panto scripts there are”, Barrass explains. “They appeal to everyone – to adults, teenagers, grandparents, tiny little kids. It’s a lot of hard work thinking what will go down well with an audience, but the trick is to make it as if it’s all just coming out as babble – dead easy, it’s chat – and to make it look as if you’re enjoying yourself.” This year, Barrass is playing Binbag, Sinbad’s brother. This, he cheerily explains, means that he gets all the bad gags. But evidently this is not as rubbish for him as it sounds. I ask Barrass then where he learned his craft. “I’d
always been a big fan of slapstick – Laurel and Hardy, Keystone Cops, that kind of thing – and I’d longed to do a pantomime because of the anarchy of it.“ Pantomime training though is something he feels is lacking from actor-training schools and so is a skill you learn on the job. “They don’t really teach things like tumbling and double takes – things that really need to get you on the ball for doing pantomime. The main thing you need is energy. It’s a shame that they don’t actually instruct you on that.” With Barrass dividing his time largely between the York Theatre Royal panto and the Hull Truck Theatre Company, as well as some television work, I ask him whether pantomime gets you into bad habits that you wouldn’t want to encourage in straight acting. “In panto, when you’re telling a joke” Barrass explains, “You put on a voice and an attitude. You’ve got to be quite shameless and throw yourself in.” Whilst working on Crown Prince recently for Hull Truck, however, playwright and director John Godber told Barrass in rehearsal to “Do nothing, just say the lines. Then you can start putting the weight on the lines.” And that, according to Barrass, is the exact opposite to pantomime. Barrass is careful about the amount of “dirty jokes” and innuendo that is allowed to enter the roles he plays. And Berwick Kaler prides himself in writing and producing pantomimes that are wholly traditional and adverse to the cynical humour infecting most pantomimes today. “With Berwick’s pantos, he’s quite selective” Barrass explains. “I wouldn’t want to sit in the audience with my children thinking, ‘Oh dear, I wish they didn’t hear that’.” Kaler also sets great store by using experienced pantomime actors rather than
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Sweet Charity
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Preview
hen I walked into Langwith dining hall to find seven girls raunchily throwing themselves round an imaginary dancing club, I quickly realised that the title of this year’s Central Hall musical was misleading – there was nothing sweet about it whatsoever. Following the unlucky-in-love protagonist, Charity (see what they did there?), through her tumultuous relationships, the show, set in seedy 1960s New York, speeds from club to lift to church via whirlwinds of sultry yet glitzy outbursts, including the musical’s most well-known numbers “Big Spender” and “The Rhythm of Life”. “The music is fantastic,” said director, Michael Slater when I went to speak to him during rehearsals, “and if you add to that the extremely well-written script, which is cleverly funny, you have an awesome show”. But the entertainment’s certainly not – as I found out – all vocal. “Half the show is dancing – it’s the biggest dance production that the society’s ever done. But Sarah [Betteridge, the show’s choreographer] has done a brilliant job so far. We’re well on track to be finished rehearsing a week before the show – something which has never happened before.” With auditions at the beginning of the Autumn term, rehearsals have been running since November. “We were blown away by the talent at the auditions”, said Slater, “especially among the dancers”. Two Writing and Performance students play the lead-roles, with thirdyear Alice Boagey as Charity, alongside second-year Jethro Compton as her jittery loveinterest, Oscar. Charlotte Ward-Caddle plays Charity’s friend Helene, while Central Hall veterans Vicky Jones and Tom Rogers make a return as Nickie and Vittorio. And who says it’s not worth a look? If you’re into anything vaguely kitch, sixties and more than a bit raunchy, then Sweet Charity could be a winner. And it’s cheap too. Well, cheaper than a night at Stringfellows, if that’s your thing. Sweet Charity runs Thursday-Saturday week 5 (7th, 8th 9th Feb). Tickets £5 Students, £9 others.
RICHARD BYRNE-SMITH
importing TV celebrities. Martin confirms Kaler’s attitude. “If these celebrities can do pantomime, then fantastic – they’re really lucky ‘cause they’re a TV star, they’re earning lots of money AND they can do pantomime. If it rests solely on their fame though then I think you’ve got a poor show.” “We grow our own” could be Kaler’s mantra and, seeing the actors milling about at their lunch break, it is clear he has picked a good bunch. Most have appeared in over ten of his pantomimes, yet Berwick would be the first to diagnose any symptoms of “sameyness.” According to Barrass, Berwick really wants to make sure that nothing is done too often. The dancers in the panto are professional locals and Kaler is graced with the co-direction of the Theatre Royal’s Artistic Director Damian Cruden who has stepped effortlessly out of Alan Bennett and straight into pantomime. “This is what panto should be”, Barrass claims. “If there’s a campaign for real panto then this is it”.
West Yorkshire Playhouse
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05/12/07
f you consider yourself to be too mature for the annual panto (something I would never profess to being), but can’t resist an innocent winter treat that reminds you of your Christmasses past, then head to the West Yorkshire Playhouse this January. The esteemed theatre has revived their hit 2004 production of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and, seeing it for the first time, it is clear why it has proved so popular. Aided by an excellently manipulated revolving stage, the production has pace as the four children evacuees are whisked from city to country, house to wardrobe, and from normality to Narnia. With four young adult actors as Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, these performances have a maturity and projection whilst also capturing the naivety of childhood. Their entrance into Narnia is marked by vast white dressing gowns that look like obese icicles, dropping from the flies. Combined with the ingenious technical addition of bubble-like screens on stage that float across the stage with projected images of Father Christmas or a robin in a tree, there is a modern innovation that has been injected into this production without losing any of the charming simplicity of a child’s story. Clare Foster is suitably mean-spirited as the White Witch and is one of the strongest singers, whilst Louis Decosta Johnson is disappointingly understated as Aslan. However, the little boy next to me didn’t seem to think so, coming to life upon Aslan’s entrance and producing his own home-made lion mask, featuring paint and pipe-cleaners. Despite Shaun Davey’s banal musical score, having the numbers nevertheless creates different shades in the drama, and some, like the Beavers’ song, are irresistibly fun. The imagination and sense of fun that has gone into costumes, right down to the details of Father Christmas’s ice-skating wellies, as well as the aesthetic beauty of the choreography involving all the various creatures of Narnia, contributes to a production that brings CS Lewis’s novel alive to everyone. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe runs until 2 February.
ANNA WORMLEIGHTON
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WHAT NOT TO MISS THIS JANUARY...
Anna Wormleighton talks to Guardian theatre critic Michael Billington about how healthy the British theatre scene really is at the moment...
Sinbad the Sailor, York Theatre Royal, until 2 February. Don’t miss York’s renowned annual pantomime written and directed by the legendary Berwick Kaler, and co-directed by Damian Cruden.
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ichael Billington, Britain’s longest-serving theatre critic, has recently published a book entitled State of the Nation. Drawing upon his wealth of professional experience of theatre from 1965 to the present day (which is the equivalent of 8,000 nights at the theatre, he calculates), Billington, who has been the critic on both The Times and the Guardian has, to say the least, been around. There is something about him that goes against one’s traditional view of a critic. He is not the austere fellow, scribbling notes in an aisle seat and peering nonchalantly over half-rimmed spectacles with an expression that refuses to give anything away. Rather, Michael Billington has an air of boyish mischief about him, an expression of wry amusement at everything, and an open-mindedness and passion for the theatre that appears to have got even stronger over the years. “It has refreshed me as a critic – writing this book. It’s given me a renewed sense of purpose”, Billington says with a grin, going on to sympathise with those who might have thought he was planning to retire. Meeting Michael Billington at York’s Dean Court Hotel, I discuss what he sees as the current state of British theatre. In August, he wrote an article for the Guardian on what he sees as a state of crisis in London’s West End. I ask him how far he considers London’s commercial theatre zone to be representative of British theatre in general. “It’s not representative, but it’s symbolic. People tend to judge the health of the British theatre more by what’s happening at Shaftesbury Avenue than they do what’s happening at Leeds, or York, or Birmingham, or Sheffield. It may be unfair, but it’s true. Ewan McGregor has caused this stampede to the Donmar”, Billington chuckles. “It’s an old-fashioned idea to see the West End as the beating heart of British theatre because we know it’s actually the subsidised section where the energy, the drive and the imagination is.” So the key then is to have a rummage around the outskirts of London theatre in order to find the quality. Some theatres you could easily miss – the Kings Head in Islington, for example, is located behind a bar, and the tiny Finborough Theatre at Earl’s Court sits above a pub. And the Tricycle Theatre, despite being an equally modest venue in North London, produces some of the most potent pieces of political theatre in the country. Billington speaks with excitement of political theatre proliferating by the way of so many up and coming writers of British theatre being from black or Asian backgrounds, and also the number of women writers coming forward. “We talk patronisingly about ‘ethnic minorities’ as if they are somehow marginal to mainstream British theatre. In the view of the last twelve months, this idea of a sub-culture of ethnic minority playwrights is nonsense”, he claims. Billington cites Bagdad Wedding as an example of this, Hassan Abdulrazzak’s first play that premiered at the Soho Theatre in summer 2007 to rave reviews, dealing with war-torn Badgdad and London.
found is in reality TV show casting programmes. These have now been done for three musicals on the trot and are, to say the least, getting tiresome. Despite being a fan of The Sound of Music discovery, Connie Fisher, Billington clearly feels strongly about the trend. “I think the process stinks”, he says indignantly. “It favours certain musicals over others, it guarantees the chosen musicals millions of pounds of free publicity, and it’s an insult to hard-working professionals.” He also highlights how these TV shows are set to continue since the three musicals doing business head and shoulders above the rest in the West End are those that have used this process - The Sound of Music, Joseph and Grease. “It’s deplorable”, says Billington, claiming then, in a half-serious tone, “People think I’m joking when I say I can see a day when there’ll be a ‘So You Want To Be Hamlet?’ Mark my words. One day.” He’s probably right since directors are increasingly preoccupied with how to bring the Bard to the twenty-first century masses. All routes have been tried, from Tim Supple’s recent success of A Midsummer Night’s Dream that included seven different languages and circus tricks, to setting Shakespeare in space, to pulling in film celebrities to play the great roles. Billington is open to many interpretations, however. “You can have high-concept Shakespeare that can destroy the language, or you can have high-concept Shakespeare that can use and incorporate it.” He enthuses about Rupert Goold’s recent production of Macbeth featuring Patrick Stuart, on account of the clarity of the language, despite all the technical creativity. “We live in a high-tech age where we get a lot of information from screens. It’d be absurd if theatres said, ‘we’re too pure – we’re not going to touch this.’ Intelligently used, it can be very beneficial.”
IT’S AN OLD-FASHIONED IDEA TO SEE THE WEST END AS THE BEATING HEART OF BRITISH THEATRE So the number of young playwrights coming through is hopeful then, I ask him? “The number of playwrights is very satisfying, but what we’re looking for is the handful of writers who will emerge as the obvious leaders. There’s a tremendous amount of energy and fertility, but is there anyone who already has the proven mastery of the form that certainly Pinter had in his twenties?” One place this taleny cannot be
LISTINGS
Yet technology is not only altering the way we see theatre, but also how we respond to it. The role of the critic has drastically changed since the introduction of the internet and things such as “blogs” – a word Billington still uses with a touch of novelty. “The critic is becoming much more in touch with his or her readers, much more democratically accountable, much more out in the marketplace. What is happening now is that within seconds you’ve got responses coming through. It’s technically inescapable and the modern critic has to adapt to survive.” Billington though does not begrudge the gradual pushing out of the paper for the screen. What he does resent however, as do I, is audience technology that increasingly seeks to interrupt performances. He recounts the first night of Cabaret when he was sat next to a man whose Blackberry was on permanently during the performance. Billington animatedly recounts how he violently remonstrated – “I practically had to be restrained!” This man turned out to be an agent with a client in the show. “I thought, this is outrageous!” But in terms of theatre, Billington does not dismiss the outrageous. He continues to be, in my opinion, the critic with the wisest judgement, the utmost support for new writers and creative, exciting theatre projects. Long may he reign in British Theatreland.
Madame Butterfly, Grand Theatre Leeds, 16,18,22 January. Opera North’s beautiful production of Puccini’s heartbreaking opera.
Tracey Emin, York Art Gallery, until 27 January. Last month to see the work of one of the UK’s most wellknown, radical artists. Displays of paper, photography and textiles all by Emin from a private collection give an insight into Emin’s personal life.
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16 FEATURES
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
HALL CENTRAL TO YORK EXPERIENCE
Joshua Mardell tells us why the graduation grumblers are missing the point
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hough any type of sentiment is anathema to an Englishman, I am not embarrassed of my dewy-eyed, tender emotion for Central Hall. It lurches flagrantly toward us, it involves us. It makes us look. Alarmingly, a group has been set up on the student internet phenomenon Facebook called “Society for the Campaign Against York Students Graduating in Central Hall”, suggesting York Minster is a superior venue for the event. The idea repulses me and this article hopes to combat this racket. While Central Hall is indulgent and light, the Minster is lugubrious and Puritanical with a conspicuously Draculaesque air. The spirit of the former is far more fitting to host that most joyous of occasions, graduation. It is our media-dominated society, with it’s slick images polished to perfection that seduce us with phoney realities of what is beautiful and indeed, what is not. Whilst Central Hall scarcely fits into the commonly held definition of ‘beautiful’ – beauty takes many forms – it does have redeeming qualities. At 18 metres high with an auditorium measuring approximately 13 x 12 metres and a seating capacity of 1200, it’s potential uses are extraordinary. The venue has welcomed some of our foremost performers from The Boomtown Rats to George Melly (who probably included Muddy Water in his setup), as James Harrison Fisher highlights on the group’s wall, How many times has the Minster played host to Jimi Hendrix? Or Soft Machine? Or Pink Floyd? Or Paul McCartney? None to my
knowledge. Central Hall is awesome. With a shape reminiscent of a spaceship, Central Hall was built in the Swinging Sixties, the Beatle’s Age, at the peak of Archigram (or Architecture Telegram), a puissant experimental journal that greatly influenced the schools of architecture during this time with technocratic fantasies and futuristic minimalist designs using modern building elements of concrete, glass, and steel. This spirit, albeit often only Utopian, mirrors the dynamic, innovative and pioneering atmosphere of our university; such adjectives would be oxymoronic placed next to the word Minster. The appointed architects for the original development, Robert Matthew Johnson Marshall, designed social architecture. Separate buildings on our campus are linked by covered walkways running through colleges which were deliberately designed to increase the chance of making accidental friendly encounters and bring together students of different disciplines. Using CLASP prefabrication, historically inspired by the necessities of war, the architects managed to build economically and speedily without sacrificing good design; the pragmatic and the aesthetic are balanced
perfectly. The university in more recent times has simply lost the plot with constructions that fail to complement the careful planning of the original development. The uninspiring Information Centre and sombre Sports Centre spring to mind, not to mention the embarrassing Halifax College, which I’d propose should be bombed if only the proposal had some economic standing. Central Hall stands out proudly as an example of expressive architecture, and with the Heslington East development plans underway, now is an important time to remember how architecture can successfully embrace the spirit of the environment in which it stands. In this case, one of innovation, originality and independent thought. Expressive architecture is lacking in the city of York. I’ve never felt as though I live in a city, more a waning conservative-ridden time warp. It’s not a metropolis, it’s scarcely bustling and hardly creative. Whilst there are the inevitable post-war contributions to the landscape, central York doesn’t boast many modern architectural offerings that are as reactionary as our very own Central Hall. It ignites controversy and debate, which are healthy in a
Graduating in York Minster? The idea repulses me
university environment, and like the Marmite slogan, “you either love it or you hate it”. Campus without Central Hall would doubtlessly be rather mundane. Its transcendence provides a much-needed surprise element and focal point which is at best overwhelmingly stupefying, at worst, unnerving. Our YUSU President, Anne-Marie Canning certainly empathises with it believing it gives York a “distinctive and iconic look and feel”.. The harsh lines and prominent diagonals contrast with and enhance the rigid and formulaic buildings surrounding it. It’s reflection on the lake and distinctive silhouette on the night sky are breathtaking. The university prides itself on the racial, religious and socioeconomic diversity of its students thus the graduation venue should be all-embracing. Terry Hammill’s 2006 ‘Semaphore Saints’, which hold pride of place below the Great West Window of the Minster, are a row of sculptures that, after interpretation using the Semaphore flag signalling system, display the message “Christ is Here”. This serves to remind us that the Minster remains first and foremost a Christian institution. By moving graduation there, we will be guilty
of denying an essential part of our university community. Fear not, the members of the Facebook group are yet to come up with any sophisticated justifications for their campaign. Richard “Mitch” Mitchell wrote, “I vote we graduate in the lake” and another member (who has chosen not to be named) expressed his belief and anger that York St. John students, who hold their graduation in the Minster, are getting the better deal. He wrote, “the YSJ retards should graduate in the caravan park they call a uni”. I would like to point out that YSJ use the Minster because their university is actually based in the city and they don’t have a building like Central Hall of their own, I pity them. Consciously or unconsciously, Central Hall is part of all our lives. It’s magnetic presence is there throughout the duration of our degrees. It’s an intimate part of our environment and community that we should treasure. I urge the ambivalent to give it a good look; enjoy it, absorb it. By denying Central Hall the graduation celebrations, it’s raison d’être, the building will simply diminish more and more in repute. On reaching fifty years old, it will look as tarnished as the average quinquagenarian. The irony it that is not average. It is special.
How many times has the Minster played host to Jimi Hendrix?
YORK VISION
LIFESTYLE
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LIFESTYLE
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Tuesday January 15, 2008
>STYLE
>FOOD
>DRINK
>TRAVEL
P18 s Back...
GRADUATE EMPLOYERS: L? He' A R O M R EVIL O Joseph Burnham sets out to explore some of the myths of graduate employment in the corporate world.
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o, you’ve traded in three years of your life for the grand ideals of education, and you’ve firmly got your eyes set on the future – the golden landscape of work, the grassy hills of opportunity, the Astroturf of personal development. You know you’re wanted, and it feels good – you have an impressive collection of corporate pens, posters, and pamphlets – the only thing missing is meaningful perspective. Now we all have our own ideals that we hope to carry with us into work – influencing culture, working ethically, or laughing manically as we go anywhere that promises a shiny penny – the point is, we need to know where to go from here. Join me as we take a look at the profiles of 5 graduate head-hunters, and explore a little bit about their key statistics, and how you’ll feel once you step inside their welcoming corporate arms.
Sainsburys: Well, it’s good enough for Jamie Oliver? The supermarket has made it no secret that they’re targeting graduates, as anyone who attended the careers convention last term will have realized. Most graduate starting salaries are between 23-25k a year, and they have various fast track programmes in place which normally span around 18 months to introduce you to the work and secure a job with some responsibility. There are a standard number of 22 vacation days for you to rest your cotton socks, and this is the same indiscriminate of the department you choose. Also, it’s fair to say that, due to the number of Sainsbury locations, you’ll
have a fair degree of luxury in deciding which location you’ll want to work in, which is something worth considering. As with most other major supermarkets, they support various in-house charities, and have recently been making a push for more fair-trade focused supplies (advertised by giving away cute toy bananas, which will look a little dodgy if you keep by your bed).
Exxon Mobil: Whatever your personal thoughts on the oil industry, it’s one of the largest industries in the world. In fact, Exxon Mobil is the largest single company in the world by revenue (an impressive $377.6 billion in 2006). They publish graduate starting salaries as between 3034k, within their Benefits and Development Package, which is certainly on the higher-end of what graduates can expect from most employers. To sweeten the deal, they also offer a £1000 Bursary on acceptance of a job – but that comes on the condition of being offered one (and it’s competitive). You’ll get 20 holiday days in your first year, with that being increased to 25 in the years following. Relocation is a very real possibility, although the company takes this into consideration and offers a benefit package to get you all settled. All the normal positions are offered (HR, marketing, IT, finance) along with various specifics such as production and engineering, along with refining chemicals. As with all companies, I recommend you find out more about them to see if you agree with their corporate practices.
Orange: Their graduate programme only accepts 15 applicants on their two-year scheme, so competition is guaranteed. The placement starts at 22.5k per year, and offers 25 days of holiday. You’ll get private healthcare and a free laptop and phone, plus several other goodies to fill your orange pockets. Career areas include network design, customer service, retail operations, HR, marketing, finance, and sales. Overall, it’s a successful company and looks as if it’ll be continuing to grow.
PricewaterhouseCoopers: In 2006 this accountancy firm was reported to have 1,200 vacancies, the largest graduate employer – as reported by the BBC. With an estimated 146,000 employees, and $25.2 billion in yearly revenue, you’re bound to have considered them if you have accountancy in mind. Their graduate internship programme offers successful applicants the chance to specialise in Assurance or Tax – assuming you perform well, you’ll receive an offer to join the company fully next year (however, internships can be extended). A 2.1 is expected, but they don’t specify any particular discipline as being essential – this is good news if you’re considering a career in accounting, but
haven’t chosen a mathematics based degree. According to The Times in 2003, starting salaries for placements are 24.5k, with starting salaries of 31k if you have a postgraduate qualification – however, this may have changed since. If accountancy is where you see yourself, it’s essential that you compare against this company – this should give you healthy perspective.
The Playboy on festive fumbles
P19 RUNWAY RUNDOWN
HSBC: Keeping with the money management theme, HSBC is a huge employer – with around 300,000 employees worldwide, it’s number 8 on The Times Top 100 Graduate Employers for 2007/8. For most of the application positions, you’ll be expected to have achieved a 2.1 at degree level (the exceptions being retail and commercial management, which only call for a 2.2). C grades at Mathematics and English Language GCSE level are also required, and for several of the internships you’re expected to have held a position of authority and trust at university – such as being the leader of a society, or being a fabulously sexy Features editor in Vision. Most salaries start at 20k, often with a starting bonus of around 2k depending on the position. So there you have it – an extremely brief outline of what you should expect when looking into future careers. It might all sound a bit dry right now, but it’s always healthy to be aware of what’s going on around you. I’m still holding onto my dream of running away to Ireland and writing novels of teenage angst, but something tells me that doesn’t come with a free phone.
P21
Ready-meal Roulette
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BOMBAY DREAMS
18 LIFESTYLE
YORK VISION
S N O I S S E F CON OF A CAMPUS PLAYBOY
Tuesday January 15, 2008
Vision's ladies man reflects on festive fumbles and lift shafting
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only a true playboy can, ‘Sit-down babe and listen up. By any chance are you familiar with the term immaculate conception.....?’ The rest of this story can be found in ‘Confessions of a Biblical Playboy’, or failing that check out the Bible. More importantly though: my
THE FEMINIST RESPONSE:
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here’s not much good an angry feminist can do with campus playboy, is there? If he is trying to be ironic and funny, well, he just comes across as trashy, boorish and offensive. Let’s start with the metaphors, shall we? I find I have to skim read his column; if I start thinking too hard about what he is actually saying I get grossed out. For example, and I quote, ‘the women walk around with virtually nothing on, everything is seeping out and I love it’. Everything is seeping out? Either the women are in a constant state of arousal, or they are incontinent. Or, worse still, they have sores. Whatever bizarre affliction these women are suffering from, he is undeterred. Perhaps the ‘gorgeous dollop of woman’ he encountered was seeping, too. She might also have been amorphous, globlike and scoopable. I read, proofread and publish erotica, and I can safely say that not even the trashiest publishing company imaginable would publish the next scene. This honey-secreting dollop of a woman with a sweet face and a caramel cunt whispers that she has never had an orgasm. Really? Assuming he has a degree of responsibility, she will be at least eighteen, and she has never once masturbated? Despite this, she is completely fine with a strange man coming up to her, licking her face and telling her he is a bee as some sort of bizarre prelude to sex. She doesn’t mind being thrown onto
the bed, she doesn’t show a hint of shyness undressing, she is in fact incredibly easy and yet she has never had an orgasm. It is, I suppose, an interesting reversal of the ‘shy virgin’ trope- the girl who will willingly bed the first stranger who licks her face but still hasn’t had a satisfying sexual relationship, with herself or another person. Her ‘caramel cup’ being licked induced some sort of fitwomen do not scream at the start of cunnilingus, they really don’t. Towards orgasm, perhaps, if they are vocal, but generally they will sigh, moan and whimper. A single quivering leg is not generally a good sign. However, we have already established that she is anatomically unusual, and as a result she emits syrup. I’m assuming that she consumes an unusual amount of sugar and as a result her bodily fluids taste sweet. Either that or the campus playboy has never in fact been in the position to give a woman so much pleasure that she ejaculates. His cavalier attitude alone would suggest that he has so little regard for women that he would not dedicate the time required to cunnilingus. In fact, this is what is wrong with the whole article. How can we believe that a misogynist would ever consider anything other than their own orgasm? Whether the article is ironically meant or not, it isn’t possible for anyone but the people most like him to engage with his writing. I sincerely hope there aren't many reading the newspaper
beverages, however when I started heading back towards her I noticed she was dancing with another fella. Part of me wanted to leave them to it, I mean this guy had a cracking beard, broad shoulders and an
We paid a visit to the Cockpit. Hopefully we'd find a pit for our cock
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'Sit-down babe and listen up. Are you familiar with the term immaculate conception?'
tale, Leeds 2007 is the setting of one of my greatest nights. I suggest you sit back and put the cristal on ice as I share with you the confessions of a campus playboy. Just before Christmas me and a few of the big name players on campus decided to take our brand of funky dance-moves and smooth one liners on tour, our destination: Leeds. We went to a few of Leeds’ most notorious playboy hangouts and saw some of the delights West Yorkshire had to offer. Unfortunately there were no biters. We decided that for this one night we would try our hand at pulling some punk rocking poon tang, and paid a visit to the Cockpit. Hopefully we’d find a pit for our cock. On entering the club my eyes (the two on my head and the one in my pants) were alerted to a fly honey shaking her hips in the corner. I mooched on over and set about making her mine. We really hit it off, her name was either Sarah or Michelle. She had a spiders web on her left breast. I whispered in her ear, ‘I’m gonna go get us some Vodka Cokes and when I come back we’re gonna set about blowing those cobwebs off your tit’, she lapped it up. Anyway I went to the bar and bought us a couple o f tasty
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pregnant Mary tracked down my uncle Hal. She revealed she had a bun in the oven and asked my Uncle Hal ‘What am I going to tell Joseph? We haven’t even had sex yet’ My uncle Hal responded like
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hristmas is typically a busy period for the playboy, delivering awesome one liners on the dance floor like, ‘your turkey needs a stuffing’ and ‘I’m gonna be cummin’ in your chimney tonight’. But I’m going to resist the temptation of those smutty one-liners and tell you the real story behind Christmas. It all began 2008 years and 8 months ago when my greatgreat-great uncle Hal (short for Hallallabad) was rockin’ a dancefloor in downtown Nazareth. He’d had one too many goblets of red wine when he came across one bitchin’ babe on the dancefloor, he shimmied across to her and they got chatting and she revealed her name was Mary. My uncle Hal didn’t care too much for names but took her outside onto his donkey and gave her a right good seeing to on the back seat. Unfortunately in the morning she revealed that she had a boyfriend or something, some hot shot joiner called Joseph so they were forced to go their separate ways. My Uncle Hal did never hear from Mary again but he knew they would always share the memories of that one night in Nazareth. At least that’s how it should have ended, 2 months down the line a panic stricken
adams apple to die for. I then came to my senses and remembered the first rule of the playboy ‘if you’ve spent a bit of time with ‘er you get to see a vagina’. Needless to say I rocked back over, I took her to one side and said, ‘what’s going on? Who’s this big burly character?’ she said, ‘It’s my friend Sandra, she’s a feminist’. I smiled at Sandra and shook her big hands and me and me lady made our way outside. I hitched up her skirt and started giving her pipes a clean, she was breathing heavily but asked me to stop as we were right next to a busy street. It was then I saw
a flashing neon light saying multistorey NCP car park. I winked up at the heavens and knew the big guy wanted me to get laid. I slung her over my shoulder and we made our way inside. We jumped in the lift, I told her I was gonna give her a good shaft in a second. I looked at the panel and asked ‘which button should I press?’ She replied, ‘I have a big hairy vagina shaped button that needs a push.’ Excellent I thought and set about sending her to pleasureville. I made her orgasm before we’d reached level 4, she set about unleashing the anaconda from his cotton and polyester lair. The only problem was I couldn’t get rigid, it was like a play dough finger and it wasn’t pointing to the skies. In the end she gave up – I blamed her thoroughly for my lack of performance and gave myself a pat on the back for the orgasm I gave her. I eventually got home and thought about what happened, maybe I was getting past it? maybe I had peaked? Then I flicked onto Quizmania had a quick tug and all those negative thoughts were forgotten. When I wake up in the morning and I see my nob all caked in smeg, I think maybe I’m getting too old for this playboy lifestyle, then I think of all the pleasure I give women across campus and think I wouldn’t change this for the world. I’ve been your campus playboy, you’ve been a captivated reader.
Dr. Platt's...
S R E N N U STUDENT ST
PPE SPECIAL NAME: YEAR: COLLEGE: STATUS: SUBJECT:
Dan Webster 3rd Alcuin In a relationship PPE
NAME: YEAR: COLLEGE: STATUS: SUBJECT:
Viki Jones 3rd Goodricke Single PPE
LIFESTYLE
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
19
STYLE Pictures courtesy of vogue.com
RUNWAY RUNDOWN Flora Elletson and Katie Jackson look at the key trends for the coming season...
At Giambattista Valli, the romantic trend continued as the collection mixed cottons in pale pinks, buttery yellows and whites with silky summer dresses and kimonos, and shimmering sheer organza and chiffon reigned supreme. Those of you wishing to follow this trend, but struggling to reconcile the season’s soft pinks with a winter complexion, may find something more to their liking from Jil Sander’s innovative pieces which used translucent materials over bolder oranges, navy blues and fuchsias. Again though, soft cottons and silks feature prominently.
Giambattista The coming season While some designers chose to Valli promises to pay embrace the ‘new romantic’ deS/S 08-9 signs, others looked more towards particular attention to both fabric traditional summer floral prints. detail and prints, with a hand- Stella McCartney claims she did not
Many of the ‘big name’ fashion houses, however, chose to fly the flag for classic stars, spots and stripes. Karl Lagerfeld’s collection for Chanel was crammed with
ful of key trends on the catwalk which will have already filtered down to those stores which can accommodate the somewhat tighter student budget. Sheer textiles featured prominently in many designers’ collections, with Miu Miu, Fendi and Marc Jacobs all layering soft, transparent chiffon over more opaque fabrics in soft pastel colours, creating romantic pieces that will look fluid and delicate in the sunshine.
Killer Queen...
Helen Nianias and Immy Willetts examine just how Rupert Everett sexes up Camilla Parker-Bowles in box office hit St. Trinians...
Fashion and feminism have always gone together like a night out at Ziggy’s followed by a 9:15 … they just don’t quite understand each other. It’s interesting therefore that a feminist slant to fashion can be found in a Camilla Parker-Bowles inspired drag queen. Miss Fritton, unlike her students, doesn’t rely on hackneyed sexuality (oh short skirts and high heels … so original) to infuse her style. Instead she takes power dressing to new colourful levels. Disregarding conventions of style, Rupert Everett’s character is able to mix printed silk scarves and bright pink velour tracksuits with flair that perhaps a younger or less experienced woman would only have trouble with. The silk scarves speak of Hermés and high fashion while the bright pink sportswear demonstrates her affinity with the ‘youff ’ of today, also displayed in her gold “B L I N G” belt. Dichotomy, much? The empowerment of Miss Fritton’s wardrobe lies in the classic and sometimes slightly masculine shapes of her clothes. Contrasting
her conservative jackets and jazzy scarves with the head girl Kelly’s clothes, she manages to look imposing but not slutty. Unlike Kelly, she transcends the immediately recognisable Topshop trends (high-waisted skirt, belt, white shirt tucked in, ticking all of last season’s sartorial boxes) and manages to achieve what some see as impossible: a fun look for a mature woman. She possesses the self-confidence to dress in a way that would have the teen stars of Big Brother quaking in their stilettos. She is unafraid of tailoring, dated hair, clunky shoes and old lady scarves, and the amalgamation of all these clichés creates a truly memorable style; she dresses for herself, not to provoke male desire. Maybe it’s something about her being a man in drag, but her disregard for any notion of ‘sexiness’ creates a really interesting look. The secret of her being such a magnetic character lies in her rejection of conformity. It’s the attention to detail that’s important: always lighting up a fag, wearing ridiculous accessories and doggedly perusing Colin Firth. For her,
he is a bit of ‘sport’ rather than the be-all-and-end-all in her twilight years. Despite her rampant flirting she never ‘gets her tits out’, and maintains her demure necklines while her niece and chums frolic around in their hold-ups and unambiguously sexy school-girl outfits, singing along to the plastic sounds of Girls Around. Love it.
black shirt dresses, skirts and jumpsuits, sprinkled with striking white stars and teamed with red and white stripy jackets and cardigans to create an all-American feel. Yves Saint Laurent also jumped on the primary pattern bandwagon: simple shift dresses were spiced up with a covering of multi-coloured stars which look set to become the shape of the season. Meanwhile at Anna Sui, there was a linear focus on the aspect of this trend, with bold vertical and diagonal stripes contrasting nicely with the sophisticated cut of many of her dresses. Aside from the jumpsuits seen at the McCartney show, as well as pieces from the likes of Moschino and Bottega Veneta, the shapes we have all learnt to Stella know and love over McCartney the past year – high S/S 08-9 waists, elegant tailoring and maxi dresses – are all returning for another season. The latter in particu-
lar were to be found in almost every collection. Lanvin’s full length, billowing dresses in bright mono colours are sure to be a high street favourite; proving easy to wear during both day and at night, and suited to nearly every figure, they are sure to become a staple Chanel for all wantS/S 08-9 ing something light and easy to wear yet still to make an impact.
So, although now all you may want to do is curl up under a duvet in your boyfriend’s thickest jumper, warmer weather is fast approaching. The key trends are simple to follow: look for cottons, silks, chiffon and organza either in bold summer colours or subtle, classically feminine shades. Don’t be afraid to mix stars, stripes and spots, but as with floral patterns, mix with simpler pieces too - it’s never been so easy to look so good for summer.
Steal her his style
Keep that flick in your hair with Boots heated rollers £19.99
Channel this season’s ladylike look with this Missoni silk scarf, £91
Keep tailoring smart, classic and conservative with this Helmut Lang blazer, £335
Picture courtesy of xposure.com
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want to do ‘a cutesy, girly print’ but wanted it to be ‘strong, energetic and striking.’ As such, much of her collection included dresses and summer jumpsuits with seemingly retro, two-tonal designs in faded blues and browns. Floating dresses and blouses, perfect both on a hot summer’s day in England or on a beach in warmer climes, were sent shimmying down the catwalk side by side with kooky all-inones, which look set to become a slightly new staple addition to the fashionista’s wardrobe this season. Bold florals proved popular across the board, with Dries Van Noten, Balenciaga, and Gucci all producing even Gucci S/S 08-9 more ‘energetic’ patterns. The Gucci collection for example, set disproportionately large black flowers against a white background, with few other colours besides sporadic splashes of bright yellow. By contrast, Dries Van Noten’s catwalk was awash with blues, greens, turquoises, oranges and purples.
lthough it may seem strange to think about your summer wardrobe while the rain lashes against the window and the wind whips your hair around your face, spring is just around the corner, and it’s not too long before we stash away the Ugg boots and scarves until next autumn. Even though you may have only just taken down the advent calendar and thrown away the Christmas cards, the magazines and high street stores are bursting at the seams with the sheer dresses, swishy skirts and light cottons that are pushing the New Year’s sales racks into corners across the country.
20 LIFESTYLE
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
STYLE
CHECK YOUR BAGGAGE Katie Jackson looks at the best bags available for those short weekend breaks...
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he layered romance and Americana of the coming season’s collections evoke images of long and lazy afternoons bathed in soft summer sunshine, and whether wandering down the ChampsÉlysées or picnicing in the Cotswolds, the sheer beauty of the mouth-watering colours and diaphonous cuts seen on the catwalks in New York, Milan, London and Paris demand an appropriate accoutrement. The weekend tote is notoriously elusive in its representation of the season’s aesthetic, since ‘the getaway’ invariably connotes downtime casual chic. Nonetheless, despite the more structured shapes of this year’s cruise collections, seen especially at Givenchy, the summer’s silhouette has evolved to include floating chiffon and sumptuously sheer cottons. The lack of structure in theses untreated fabrics can be complemented by accessorising with a supple leather holdall such as Mulberry’s gorgeous Piccadilly Darwin Leather Tote in chocolate or oak (£795), or Angel Jackson’s chic holdall in black.
nently collapsible Le Pliage canvas bag, available in a multitude of sharp naval colours, is perfect for a city break, whilst American Apparel has a cheap high-street alternative in the form of their Nylon Pack Cloth Weekender Duffle Bag.
Le Pliage canvas tote with leather straps Longchamp, £54
Zebra Print Weekender Bag Accessorize, £40
The bright splashes of colour seen at Gucci, as well as the floral motifs and prints at Stella McCartney, Balenciaga and Dries Van Noten amongst others, demand complementary accessories in bold brights. Teem this season’s must have allin-one with Accessorize’s cotton Zebra Print Weekender Bag or Cath Kidston’s Rose Bloom Tote for retro chic…
New Rose Bloom Weekend Bag Cath Kidston, £60.00 Nylon Pack Cloth Weekender Duffle Bag American Apparel, £20
Conversely, embrace the voluminously unstructured acres of fabric seen at Lanvin as inspiration, and focus instead on soft, pliable cottons and canvases for a key weekend accessory. Longchamp’s emi-
Leather holdall Angel Jackson, £162
W Y E N UT A ON! E B TI C E S
PUCKER UP!
Kiss winter goodbye with two of spring’s sexiest new makeup looks. Demi Kraithmanshows you how...
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f spring’s pre-season fashion shows were anything to go by, beauty-wise this New Year will indeed be a happy one for us ladies. Why? After the moody, smouldering eye-make-up that dominated the Autumn/Winter 2007’s catwalk looks, the spring collections showed lip colour’s return to centre stage. And in my humble opinion, it’s about time. Although lip-colour can be scary, its freshness, vibrancy and boldness is the only decent way for any self-respecting stylester to kiss winter goodbye. To take your look from winter to spring on a tight post-Christmas student budget, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. Look 1: Doll Face The Doll Face look, as seen at Stella McCa-
rtney and Balenciaga, is all about fun, girly brights. Think fresh and vibrant, rather than sickly candy pinks for the girl next door with sex appeal. This is a daytime look, so start with a minimal base. (Oooh go on then, concealer and powder if you must. But no heavy foundation ok?) The key here is freshness: Benefit’s Get Even Powder is good for this kind of job as it evens the skintone without looking chalky or heavy. Then define the eyes with a couple of layers of mascara - I like Max Factor’s Masterpiece for great all-round performance with no clumps.
Cheek-wise, definition is important, but be careful! There’s a fine line between Doll Face chic and Dolly Parton, so less is definitely more. Using a nude cream blusher, build up colour on the apples of Maybelline Water your cheeks and blend Shine Elixir Liquid outwards. No. 7’s Cream Lip Colour £6.99 Blush Tint in Blossom
is the perfect shade as it’s so subtle and gives a deliciously dewy finish. Now for the lips: just slick on two coats of Lâncome’s Juicy Tubes in Framboise, for blondes, or Maybelline’s Lipshine Water Elixir in Vibrant Fuschia for brunettes. The colour does all the hard work and the gloss finish means that perfect application techniques aren’t essential. Now just add a rose print Clinique Colour tea-dress, Surge in Vintage pumps, a spRed £12 ritz of Marc Jacobs’ D a i s y and voila! Butter wouldn’t melt, or so they think...
Look 2: Red Alert As seen at Chanel and Miu Miu, cherry red lips are back with a vengeance and simply stunning for evening. Keep everything else low key to give your pout extra potency; cheeks and eyes can stay minimalist as per Doll Face, and a semi-matte base beforehand, using something like The Body Shop’s Ultra Smooth Foundation, will keep the look modern and polished. Now for the pièce de résistance – the lips. Line them first with Rimmel’s Exaggerate Lip Liner in Red Diva and then apply a first coat of Clinique’s Colour Surge in Vintage Red with a lip-brush. Blot your lips on a tissue and then apply a second coat. High maintenance, true, but oh so perfect with a sheer silk blouse, skinnies, killer heels and an Evil Eye Amaretto Cherry Sour in hand. Well worth the lip-service.
Red lips at the Chanel S/S 08-9 Paris show
YORK VISION
LIFESTYLE
Tuesday January 15, 2008
FOOD&DRINK th e list
Hot
Hotter than a coffee in Vanrugh...
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Ready-meal Roulette Carina Topham investigates the hidden truths of supermarket ready meals and asks whether
S INNOCENT SMOOTHIE taking the easy option is worthwhile. We’re loving those cute little bottles (or even better, the cartons for kids with random pictures on the back) and with four deliciously healthy new flavours out this month including the interesting combination of beetroot, apples, pears and ginger, you’ve got no excuse not to treat yourself to some of the innocent smoothie love.
Winter Ales If you’re a real ale fan, get yourself down to the National Winter Ales Festival in Manchester from 16-19 January. With more than 200 beers, real ales, perries and ciders on offer, plus food and competitions, you’ll be sure to find something you like. See http://www.winterales. uku.co.uk/ for more details
Bramley Apples Coming into season in early February - there’s even a Bramley Apple Week to celebrate! Great for cooking with as they keep their flavour, and they contain more vitamin C than many other varieties. Try them in wintery puddings such as crumble, or in savoury dishes.
Colder than a Vanbrugh dinner...
Food Packaging
The average family shells out one-sixth of the average household food budget a year on packaging alone, and those unwanted containers and wrappers make up a third of our household waste - 6.3 million tonnes in Britain in total. Time to make like that Jack Johnson song and reduce, reuse, recycle!
Cheap Chicken
More than 93% of chickens produced in the UK are reared in factory farms to keep up with the demand for cheap chicken. Because the price of chicken has increased so little compared to other foods, profit margins are so low for chicken producers that it’s difficult to invest in improvements to their rearing systems. Look for the red tractor symbol for a guarantee that the chickens have been reared to a minimum legal standard.
You’re hungry, but there’s nothing in the fridge and you can’t be bothered to cook. Out comes the ready meal. It only takes a couple of minutes, is pretty fool-proof to cook and there’s no washing up to be done afterwards; but just how healthy are ready-meals? As a nation we consume more ready-meals than any other country in Europe, and with healthy eating making its way to the top of more and more people’s agendas these days it’s no surprise that supermarkets have started producing their own range of ‘healthy’ ready meals, such as Asda’s “Good for you” range. However, the very information that supermarkets provide to help us make a more informed decision about the food we eat is often misleading. After all, how many of us really know how much sugar or salt we should be consuming per day? Take Tesco’s ‘nutritionally
balanced’ chicken chow mein. It may only contain 370 calories and 6g of fat, yet it manages to pack in a whopping 21g of sugar (five teaspoons worth and half our recommended daily intake) and 2.6g of salt – over half your recommended daily amount. Surely M&S will fare better; that seductive husky voice on the TV adverts tells just how wonderful their food is. Unfortunately though, it would seem that M&S food, whilst often imaginative and priced at a premium, can be just as nutritionally erratic as most other food retailers’ products. The M&S ‘nutritionally balanced’ chicken casserole contains 460 calories, 15g of fat and 8.2g of salt. Whilst many of the new generation of healthy ready-meals claim to be free of artificial colours and flavours (which makes
you wonder why all ready-meals cannot follow suit) and provide a serving of vegetables towards your ‘five–a–day’, a lack in consistency of what exactly constitutes a healthy meal only leads to further confusion, with the consumer ultimately paying the price. I am not advocating that you never eat another ready meal in your life like most
Winter-Warmer Recipies Golden Soup My mum’s golden soup is a personal favourite of mine and has warmed me up on many a cold day, so thanks has to go to her for sharing her secret of how to make the perfect winter soup. It’s quick and easy to make, filling and packed with nutrients to help fight away those seasonal colds- what more could you ask for?! Ingredients 200g swede 200g carrots 200g parsnips 100g potatoes 1 onion 25g butter 450ml vegetable/chicken stock 50g washed red lentils Method Chop the vegetables into small, even sized pieces. Melt the butter in a saucepan, add all the vegetables and gently cook for 10 minutes on a medium heat. Add the stock and the red lentils and bring to the boil before leaving to simmer for half an hour. Once cooked it is up to you how you want your soup. If you prefer a chunky texture then simply pour into a bowl and enjoy , whilst if you prefer a smoother textured soup then puree the mixture with a hand blender or pass though a sieve. Serve with warm crusty bread.
Microwaved Apple Cake For those of you who like to bake yet the inadequate campus kitchens leave you wanting then do not fear, help is at hand. This tasty recipe for microwaved apple cake- yes you did hear me right , I did utter cake and microwave in the same breath - is not only delicious but it is an energy efficient and healthy way to cook food (vegetables retain 32% more nutrients and vitamins when microwaved compared to conventional cooking methods). Ingredients 175g self- raising flour 175g caster sugar 3 eggs 175g butter 3tbsp milk 4 large apples, peeled and cut into thick slices 1 tbsp caster sugar 1 tsp cinnamon Method Place the flour, sugar, eggs, butter and milk in a large mixing bowl. Beat until the mixture isproof shallow cake tin with baking paper. Spread the mixture over the paper, then arrange the apple slices on top. Combine the caster sugar and cinnamon and sprinkle over the apples. Cook in the microwave for 6-8 minutes on medium-high (650W). Allow to stand for a couple of minutes before serving.
things in life, moderation is the key. However, if you want to make sure that what you are eating is healthy then your best bet is to make it yourself. When you’re tired or short of time, why not try meals such as beans on toast or vegetable stir fry that are not only healthy for you but are also quick, easy and cheap to make.
Lydia Mills cooks up a few warming recipies to keep the January sniffles at bay.
Thai chicken soup
Ingredients 1 tbsp olive oil 1 shallot, finely chopped 1 red chilli, finely chopped 30g mushrooms, thinly sliced 100g chicken fillet 425ml hot chicken 1 lemon-grass stalk, trimmed and bruised Thai basil 1 lime, juice only Method 1. Heat the olive oil in a pan. 2. Add the shallot and sauté for 2 minutes until softened but not coloured. 3. Stir in the chilli and mushrooms and sauté for another 2 minutes. 4. Add the chicken fillet into the pan and continue to cook for about 4 minutes or until the chicken is sealed and just tender. 5. Pour in the chicken stock and add the lemon grass. 6. Bring to the boil, then simmer for 8 minutes or until the flavours are well combined and the soup has slightly reduced. 7. Just before serving, quickly shred the Thai basil and stir into the soup with the lime juice. Remove from the heat and ladle into bowls. Serve immediately.
22LIFESTYLE
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
TRAVEL
DAY TRIPPER Andy McGrath pays a visit to Doncaster
BOMBAY DREAMS Ever wondered what to do if your snot turns black? Hannah can appear at any point, when least expected. Suddenly that provisional driving test comes in handy… Go to Goa. Enjoy the blissful, relaxed hippyness of it all. Haggle hard at Anjuna Market and hang your hammock outside a coconut hut on stunning Palolem beach.
Fly into Mumbai. This is your destination for getting to South India cheaply. Mumbai is an amazing city of 17 million people: enjoy the bustle, the busy markets and perhaps hang around the district of Colaba long enough to get scouted for a Bollywood film.
"'Delhi belly' is the price you will pay for enjoying some of the best food in the world
Don’t stay here too long. The poverty is somewhat soul-crushing and the constant crowds and noise will set your nerves on edge. Furthermore, the pollution is unbelievable; when your mucus turns black, you’ll know it’s time to go!
V
The Donny Dome: The only reason to venture into Doncaster
T
o write about India sufficiently, covering its complexities and wonderful diversities, I would need not only several months but also thousands of pages. Alas the travel pages of Vision allow me no such luxury and so I ask you to sit back and prepare yourself for a whirlwind adventure through South India.
V
D
oncaster. It’s up there with the likes of Rochdale and Scunthorpe as one of the scummiest-sounding Northern towns. My deputy travel editor helpfully added: “Maybe you won’t come back”. But things began so well – straight from the station, a few escalators took me to the clean and modern Frenchgate Shopping Centre, along with all the staple high-street names. Sadly, the rest of Doncaster was nothing like this – faded buildings, dirty streets: by ‘eck, it’s grim(e) up North. The tourist information man summed things up; he looked stunned to have a visitor – I assume he normally only encounters people lost on the way to Sheffield – then cheerfully noted that "there are no historical buildings in Doncaster" before finishing with: “there’s absolutely nothing for you to do here”. The art gallery and museum were no better – I was the only person in there, and most of the paintings had been taken down. The museum had a smaller version of the Jorvik Centre, presumably saying how, against the odds, the citizens of Doncaster have not evolved. Doncaster’s Minster was not only closed but wedged in between a twolane ring-road and a Tescos. Then my post-Ziggy's hangover kicked in and it started raining. Suddenly I got a massive craving for KFC and York and hot-footed it for the train station. My day did brighten up momentarily with the sighting of Primark – ah, comforting and affordable shopping for the masses. For this sole reason Doncaster probably trumps York shopping-wise. Moreover, the Doncaster Dome, a bus ride away, has an ice rink and is a decent music venue. And, according to the tourist information officer, there's Conisbrough Castle, 20 minutes away by train. However, nothing can save Doncaster from the unavoidable truth, that it is simply awful, a moribund ghost town. I ended up feeling sorry for it, and the people who have to work there. There is nothing to do in Doncaster that can’t be done in Leeds or Sheffield, York’s bigger and more attractive neighbours. To sum up, Doncaster is about as much fun as it sounds – it’s the kind of place that makes you want to cry and eat deep-fried chicken wings.
Headden tells you how best to enjoy Southern India
Take a trip to Hampi. WanDon't stay too long. Stop der through the ancient kidding yourself, this temples and enjoy the trancouldn’t be further from quil silence, enjoying feeling the true India. Cut your like Lara Croft or Indiana Jones dreads, wash out your as you unearth hidden Hindu stat- henna and get yourself on the real ues and crumbling mosques. roads once more. It’s a lot more tiring but so much more worthwhile. Don't be silly on your motorbike/scooter/moped. Eat everything in sight. Dogs and small children With all the spice, the col-
our, the street stalls and eating with your right hand, get stuck in! “Delhi belly” may be the price you pay to enjoy quite simply some of the best food in the world. Don't eat with your left hand: it’s considered rude. Visit the backwaters of Kerrala. Rent a houseboat and stay over night on the meandering rivers and expansive lakes. Wake up early and watch the sunrise while local families fish and wash their clothes. Don't get fooled. You can get a houseboat fairly cheap, so haggle like a pro and shop around for the best deal. Take up invites to people’s homes (although as in any country, perhaps not alone). The friendliness of people in India is among the best in the world and you will get to sample the tastiest food and get a better understanding of local culture. However, cover your knees and your shoulders. Don't think that you are at home. Shoes need to be taken off before entering and the custom in the South is for the host to serve the guest and then eat once you leave. Enjoy a family watching you attempt to eat with your right hand and not cry at the spiciness of it all! There is so much to see and do in India, the opportunities are vast and extremely various. Sometimes the most ordinary things, like taking a train journey overnight, can turn out to be the most extraordinary and exciting. Elephant reserves, chilly hill stations and wonderful tea plantations all contribute to the wonder that is India. To be honest, travelling in India can be difficult and frustrating. The heat is often unbearable and you will be expected to cover up at all times. The poverty is also intense and there will be days when you question why you ever left home. I suspect for many though, the wonderful people, beautiful food and unbelievable scenary may capture your senses and perhaps your heart.
ROM
SF JOURNEY
HELL
Whilst in Peru, between Ica and Arequipa, the coach my friends and I were on drove into a cliff and fell on its side, resulting in one friend being admitted to hospital. During our stay at the city hospital, on one particularly ominous evening, I was picked on as a translator. Now you must understand that my Spanish was basic to say the least, so this is not what the nurse actually said, but it’s pretty close: “En la manana, tu amiga tengo el enema.” It’s not at all close to how this sentence would be constructed correctly, which demonstrates: a) my skills of translation, and b) how easily I could think the word ‘enema’ would mean something other than the English definition. How very wrong I was. At five the next morning, three nurses burst into the room with some kind of medical machine. The friend it was intended for didn’t take much notice in her sleepy state, until the nurse rolled her over and tried to start the insertion of the enema. At that moment, the room broke into screams on all sides. There was the poor patient screaming “That is going nowhere near my arse! Entiendo?” whilst a confused nurse was sternly telling me (in Spanish) “I told you to tell her last night, your friend has to have an enema! I told you!” whilst I stared back in a bemused manner, and my friend beside me in a sleeping bag was giving the advise of “Come on darlin, you’ve just got to lie back and think of England.” Suffice to say, there was no luck for the nurses that painful morning, and the patient escaped the hospital the next day, enema free. Loulla-Mae Eleftheriou-Smith
YORK VISION
SPORT
Tuesday 15 January, 2008
THE
BIG DEBATE
Vision asks which inter-university battle is better: Varsity or Roses?
VARSITY
says Emma Barrow
U
nited versus City in Manchester. Blue taking on red on Merseyside. You can’t beat a good derby – and yet, since it began in 2005, Varsity has undoubtedly failed to capture the imagination of York’s notoriously apathetic student body.
The reason why has always been something of a mystery to me, since it should, in theory, be the highlight of the university’s sporting calendar and regarded as far more than just a warm-up for
Roses. St John’s is, after all, our nearest rival, made up not of faceless, nameless sportsmen and women from some godforsaken place on the other side of the country, but people who breathe the same Nestle contaminated air as us, frequent the same pitiful nightclubs as us and dirty our name by shamelessly claiming to “go to York” when they in fact attend the shoddy polytechnic down the road. Whilst cheap shots about NVQs never seem to get boring, Varsity should be seen as an excellent op-
portunity to channel the hostility most of us feel towards these York St John students into something a little more positive. For whilst “you’ve got no history” – a juvenile chant so often heard coming from the away supporters at Stamford Bridge – could be a criticism also levelled at Varsity, this would be to underestimate the depth of feeling between the two rival establishments, which, whilst a relatively new phenomenon, will surely only escalate in the coming years. OK, so it’s not quite up there
with Oxford versus Cambridge, but pride is most definitely at stake, and with proposals for several new sports to be introduced to the competition in 2008 – including skiing and surfing – there is more to play for than ever before. With three victories out of three, the White Rose Varsity Trophy has never left our AU trophy cabinet. This year, we of course want it to stay that way, proving, in the process, that we have been blessed with both the brains and the brawn.
ROSES
O
At this university, there has been a sense of apathy towards college sport: it is often the case that the only people that appear to care are those who play it. However, when it comes to Roses, that sense of apathy erodes and is replaced with a widespread form of unity that engulfs the University of York. The rivalry between colleges disappears as supporting one’s uni-
versity takes priority, even if it’s only for three or four days. York and Lancaster are in the same BUSA leagues for a variety of sports, but Roses is different. It’s like the FA Cup: it’s you versus them. Varsity has the closer proximity, but Roses has an atmosphere that its little brother can never hope to match. Geography is a reasonable explanation for rivalry; but when York face Lancaster, we're not just playing out a sporting contest. We're carrying on a war, people! With so many more events included, there's something for everyone. The three day period has evolved into a festival of sport, where cider at 10am is no longer frowned upon and where ballroom
dancing and archery are suddenly matters of grave importance for thousands of people. Think of Roses as an England international football fixture – everyone abandons the colours of the football team they support for ninety minutes of ecstasy. In some ways, comparing Roses to an England international match is slightly harsh. After all, at least those who compete for York during Roses appear to care who they are representing and perform. The students of this university care about it. York students don’t compete during Roses for fame or fortune, but for the university. Maybe our so-called national sporting heroes should look to a
LOCKER ROOM LARRY
? SHHH! WHICH CAMPUS sports broadcaster was asked to explain themselves after encountering a sizable technical hitch? Our sources hear that a campus media manager fought back the tears of laughter when they rang up to inform this poor student that they'd neglected to switch on the correct studio, meaning that for the past 150 minutes they had been talking to nobody but themselves? Still, it can't be that different to the normal listening figures, right?
Put yourself on the map IN A decision that can only be rationalised as nostalgiafuelled (or possibly alcoholrelated), the AU have been advertising for founding members of a York Orienteering Society. Participants will endur... sorry, enjoy "competitions, weekends away and socials throughout the year". The AU has remained silent on introducing other activites you've only ever done because you were forced to when you were at school, although I'm eagerly awaiting the unveiling of York's new drum circle and Kum Ba Yah choir. Any interested parties should take a long, hard look at how their university experience is panning out. Once you've done that, email mdi500@york.ac.uk.
You can run, but you can't hide, Jo
says Robert Romans ur yearly battle against the University of Lancaster reminds me of Marmite: you love it or you hate it. Whilst I don’t claim to be a fan of the viscous yeast-extract based product, I am certainly a fan of Roses.
23
group of university students for inspiration? Our AU President Jo Carter issued her battle cry to Vision earlier this year: “I want to win away!” She isn’t the only one; an away victory at Lancaster has been hard to come by in recent years but York have the endeavour to go there and win it. Hopefully this summer York will retain the Roses trophy and I am confident that it will happen. Will I be showing interest in Roses this year? Of course, there is the small matter of no home nations being represented at Euro 2008…
CONTINUING HER commitment to charitable causes, AU President and general good sport Jo Carter will be taking part in the Flora London Marathon. It is rumoured that Carter originally just wanted to do a few laps of the university athletics track. Obviously, even the AU President realises that running 26 miles is less hazardous to your health than using our 'facilities'.
Have you heard a Wicked Whisper? Email me at larry@yorkvision.co.uk!
24 SPORT
YORK VISION
Tuesday January 15, 2008
MILANESE ZEAL
Tom Sheldrick enjoys the atmosphere of a Milan derby at the San Siro
And I thought the atmosphere in the home end at York City was the real deal! Rather than the usual trip to Great-Aunt Edna’s and a lastminute Christmas shopping dash, I decided to spend December 23rd a little bit differently this year - paying not much more than you would for a Frappuccino at your local Caffè Nero to take in the sights and sounds of the Derby della Madonnina with several thousand agitated Italians. 85,000 to be more precise. We were in the San Siro, Milan, officially renamed the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza in 1980 after the death of the infamous Italian striker of the 1930s who bridged the gap in one of the football world’s bitterest rivalries in starring for both Internazionale and AC Milan. 99 years after the first derby, Inter, the ‘Nerazzurri,’ went into Italy’s three-week break with a 2-1 ‘home’ victory over their ‘Rossoneri’ adversaries. Milan itself is a city of paradoxes: an industrial heartland closer to Northern European than Rome and Venice. Tower blocks, inhabited by the large working class population, littered our journey into the city centre, contrasted with the Duomo di Milano, the second largest Gothic cathedral in the world. And the famous Fashion Quadrilatero, housing the boutiques of Gucci, Prada and the rest - the cultural Mecca for WAGs to rival the San Siro’s status for football fans. Although Inter split from the original Milan Cricket and Football Club in 1908, there is no 'little brother' syndrome here. Numerous plaques visible when entering the stadiums via one of eleven concrete turrets, a stunning visual addition to the stadium’s exterior before the 1990 World Cup, list the collective honours of the San Siro’s inhabitant teams, whose undisputed pedigree is only matched by the glori-
ous stadium itself. AC, who were given a guard of honour to celebrate their World Club Cup victory which made them the world’s most decorated domestic side, have had their share of glory in recent years. But the Champions League holders are in desperate need of rejuvenation, emphasised by Paolo Maldini captaining the side in his 24th and final season at the age of 39. Inter, last year’s Scudetto winners and seven points clear this campaign, have usurped them as Italy’s number one side and are a good bet for Champions League glory this year. The Nerazzuri’s industrious Argentines outshone AC’s veterans, captain Javier Zanetti marshalling Pirlo and co. throughout, with winning goal-scorer Esteban Cambiasso’s relentless running alongside him. But then there’s that man Kaka, who’s just completed his clean sweep of international awards for 2007. The Brazilian playmaker delivered a footballing masterclass. Fleet of mind as well as foot, he seemed to be five seconds ahead of everybody else on the pitch. In the first half, the Brazilian picked it up in his own half, before embarking on a weaving run inside and outside Walter Samuel, only to be crowded out in the penalty area. The Inter centre-back was bamboozled so much he twisted his knee and had to go off injured! With ten minutes remaining, Kaka burst into life again, unleashing a rasping leftfooted volley from the edge of the area which stung Julio Cesar’s gloves. It’s just a shame that the rest of his aging teammates struggle to keep up with him, and, despite overseas successes, languish in
12th in Serie A with no home wins to their name. Kaka summed it up when, after a miss-hit cross from full back Massimo Oddo, the Brazilian’s outstretched arms asked “what was that?” But the Rosonneri in particular never let me forget this was Italian football I was watching. Gennaro Gattuso sent in some tasty tackles early on and found himself yellow-carded before half-time. Normal day at the office then. Although the midfield tackles refreshingly packed more of a punch than expected, Pippo Inzaghi in particular confirmed British impressions of Italians’ tendency to dive, throwing himself to the ground embarrassingly to win the free-kick for AC’s opener. The stubborn defending for which Italian sides are renowned was exemplified by Alessandro Nesta who has transformed guarding his own goal into an art form. Inter’s galactico Zlatan Ibrahimovic became a peripheral figure due to Nesta’s close attentions. One can’t help draw comparisons between Inter’s beloved “Ibra” and Spurs’ Dimitar Berbatov: big men with
Milan's Kaka, winner of the Ballon d'Or and Fifa World Player of the Year award in 2007
great touches, capable of winning games on their own but also frustratingly lethargic and unpredictable, even anonymous at times. But the Swede’s quality was there for all to see. Assisting Inter’s first goal by holding off three defenders, he starred in one magical sequence which demonstrated the appreciation of artistry the Italians feel with regard to their football. Shortly after the Nerazzurri’s winning goal, Brazilian left-back Maxwell left Ambrosini on his backside with stunning skill, before delivering to Ibrahimovic, who found time to juggle the ball in midfield, before audaciously scooping it over the A.C. defence for, the unfortunately offside, Julio Cruz. It really was the home of the beautiful game. This sequence came just seconds after Esteban Cambiasso’s 63rd minute winner, with AC’s Brazilian ‘keeper Dida allowing the scuffed shot to slip through his hands. But the first two goals were nothing short of world class. After Inzaghi’s dive, Rossoneri midfielder Andrea Pirlo stepped up to whip a 20yard free kick into the top corner with incredible pace and accuracy to hand AC an 18th minute lead. Julio Cesar didn’t move. Inter equalised before half-time, Ibrahimovic supplying Julio Cruz to lash in at the near post. What sets the Derby della Madonnina apart from many other derbies around the world, such as El Clasico between Real Madrid and Barcelona, is that AC and Inter share the San Siro, and the ultras defend their end even more vehemently than ever with competing banners and chants. Whilst there’s no religious conflict like with the Old Firm der-
bies, the Milan derby encompasses class conflict too. Inter, with their leading ultra group the San Boys, have traditionally been the club of the bourgeoisie, whilst AC’s main gang, the Brigate Rossonere, are working class. The Milanese live for their football. Our Italian contact, Lele, follows Inter around the world and is jetting up to Liverpool for the Champions League tie next month, as well as suggesting a possible excursion to the Buenos Aires derby. When Inter scored, the mild-mannered and sharplydressed gents nearby leapt into exuberant celebration; you could feel the stadium bouncing beneath your feet. Not quite the polite applause of the Old Trafford prawn sandwich brigade. I can’t help but think that if Fabio Capello (who led AC Milan’s 'invicibles' team of the early 90s to four Scudettos and one epic Champions League victory) could keep this lot happy, he’d be alright with the English media pressurecooker. Although the legacy of the 2006 match-fixing scandal still taints Italian football’s image, supporter violence has been the primary problem of recent seasons. After violent clashes between Manchester United and Roma fans at the Stadio Olimpico in April, Italian football was again in the headlines for the wrong reasons in November after a police officer accidentally shot a Lazio fan. It seemed to me however that the Italian authorities had got it spot on here though - with ticket prices less than 20 Euros and, although I must admit to not getting to rate a Milanese pie, or indeed panini, excellent security facilities and not a sniff of violence. The chants of “Grazo Dida” as the 80,000-plus crowd funnelled round the turrets and out into the city pretty much summed it up, as the AC ‘keeper had handed the Inter faithful an early Christmas present.
YORK VISION
SPORT
Tuesday January 15, 2008
25
BY ALEX RICHMAN FROM BACK PAGE PARTICIPANTS HAVE spoken out at the farcical fixtures fiddle that saw leagues decided while DOZENS of their games were scrapped. Autumn’s college football league ended in confusion, with Alcuin awarded the title without completing a tough final game against Langwith. “It was put forward that [the final round of games] be played on the last Wednesday of term, but Halifax and Alcuin rejected this idea as a lot of their first teams are based on university players,” explained Goodricke’s Adam Lewis. “Langwith and James wanted the games to go ahead, as they have very few university players.” The cancellation of the last set of games robbed many teams of their chance to jump several places, leading to outrage across campus. Lewis made his thoughts on the situation clear: “You wouldn’t see a university football league, or a professional league, being completed without the fixtures being completed. I know they have a difficult job completing the fixtures with the issue of weather, but I’m sure they could find some space in the calendar.” Langwith had the opportunity to halt Alcuin’s title charge with their final match of the autumn season, only for the game to be postponed, rescheduled and, finally, cancelled. “If we’d have been in Goodricke’s shoes, with a chance of still topping the league, then there’s no doubt we’d feel aggrieved with the title going to Alcuin,” said Tom Foy, the college’s football captain. In contrast, Alcuin sought to deflect attention from the controversial circumstances of their rare win. Captain Myles Preston pointed to the fact that, regardless of the magnitude of the cancelled games, the season had seen the largest amount of completed fixtures for two years. Preston also played down the threat Langwith would have posed, telling Vision that he “truly believes” that they would have beaten the mid-table outfit. Several players echoed Preston’s views, suggesting that cancellations are inevitable. Owen Grafham, formerly captain of Goodricke, claimed that “the players and captains accept that games will be postponed during [the Autumn term].” Grafham refused to call into question the validity of Alcuin’s win: “it was disappointing for us but, nonetheless, it’s a result that we accept.”
ROBBED The first term’s netball competition also suffered in the scheduling shambles. Goodricke’s crucial clash with Halifax was a mouthwatering tie set to decide the title, with Halifax leading the table as Goodricke’s good run saw them motoring up the league. However, the game was abandoned at halftime as officials had double-booked the courts. The league has since moved indoors, to the sports tent, but Goodricke’s captain Amy Greensmith bemoaned the decision that saw the second-half of her college’s match take place on a completely different surface. “We got screwed over,” said Greensmith, after a turnover in the tent saw Halifax run out winners. “We were on a roll, and I definitely think that had the whole game gone ahead as originally planned, we would have won.” Speaking exclusively to Vision, the AU’s Vice President and college sport co-ordinator Jack
Kennedy explained that the cancellations were unfortunate, but necessary. “I don’t think it’s fair that [some colleges] were walking away with titles without finishing their matches,” admitted Kennedy, “but when fixtures are delayed to week 9, that delays week 9’s round of matches to week 10. "By then, not only had most of our regular referees gone home, but a lot of the actual teams had left as well.” Kennedy downplayed the impact of the football cancellations, echoing Preston’s claim that there had been more fixtures com-
pleted this term than in many previous seasons. “Last Spring, only two rounds of football 2nds matches went ahead. In comparison, we’ve done really well.” More sympathy was reserved for the netball players: “They certainly have a fairer case to complain with the scheduling problems.” Kennedy pointed to the meagre resources of the AU restricting their options for the number of matches able to take place on certain courts, but was quick to point out the increased standards of
play evident in the netball league since the move indoors to combat the weather.
HOPEFUL “We will do our utmost to ensure this doesn’t happen again,” said the Vice President, “although for the football fixtures we just have to hope the weather holds up.” Despite the troubles encountered in the first term, Kennedy remains extremely optimistic about its future, pointing to the
ever-increasing opportunities to get involved. “We’ve got a lot of regular football 3rds sides, with Goodricke, James and Halifax all playing more and more. It’s not yet an ‘official’ college league, and matches are split between the 22 Acres and the Astroturf, but I hope that in the future it will become a permanent part of the sporting calendar. “At the end of the day, it’s all about having fun. The more people that can get involved with college sport, the better.”
26 SPORT
YORK VISION
Tuesday Janaury 15, 2008
UNIVERSITY FOOTBALLERS ANTICIPATE CRUCIAL DERBY The old saying of “what you put into life is what you get back” can be applied to many things in life and in particular, to football. Over the course of the season, the University of York Men’s 1st team have been in fine form and what will their reward be if they continue to maintain their form? The title of League Champions and the small matter of promotion. Currently, the 1sts sit at the top of Northern Conference 3B League having taken 19 points from 8 games and a win over rivals Leeds, who are currently sitting in 2nd place with 16 points, will be vital in securing the league for the 1sts. Leeds also stand a chance of promotion, lending great importance to the upcoming derby. The 1sts are entering a crucial stage of the BUSA season and that is something that team captain Dominic O’Shea is acutely aware of: “It has come to the business end of the season where trophies are won and lost, but our fate is in our own hands” O’Shea told Vision. Results and performances breed belief and O’Shea is confident of his team’s ability. “We’re a formidable force at home, so we’ll go into the game confident”, said O’Shea. Indeed, the 1sts home form over the last six games makes for encouraging reading: they have secured wins against Leeds Trinity, Keele, Bradford, Northumbria and Durham and have drawn against the Liverpool 1sts. However, while their form has carried them to the brink of success, the 1sts will have to maintain
it against promotion rivals and local neighbours Leeds if they are to go up. “It will no doubt be a tight, tense and edgy game but we’re really looking forward to it” says O’Shea ahead of the crunch match. “It’s where a season of hard work can be rewarded.” And lost, too. Following on from the Leeds fixture, York and Leeds have three remaining fixtures each, so three points for either side could prove to make or break their season. While a win for York over Leeds will add some weight to their promotion bid, it will be essential that the 1sts maintain their form in their remaining three fixtures. Two away games against Durham and Bradford and a home fixture face York after the Leeds game, whilst Leeds host Bradford and Hull and play away at Keele. Two home fixtures will give Leeds some comfort after the York game, particularly if they emerge from the the tie as victors. However, the York 1sts have put a lot of effort into their season and they will feel they deserve success. Equally, if Leeds win the upcoming fixture and replace York at the top of the league, they will feel the same. In the space of ninety minutes, both side’s seasons could be defined. As O’Shea said, a lot of hard work can be rewarded, but it can be easily lost as well. If York can maintain their composure and excellence against Leeds, their hard work will be rewarded. After all, what you put in as what you get out.
WIN COULD LEED YORK TO BUSA TITLE
Photo by Tom Hole
BY ROBERT ROMANS
ROB ROMANS' FIVE STEPS AHEAD - THE UNIVERSITY ATHLETICS TRACK Best Case Track no longer to be used for sport as it gains Grade II listed status. Incraesed funding used for new lockers.
The National Trust buys it and turns it into a tourist attraction; “It’s like Stonehenge; lots of people walk past, marvel at it and wonder why it’s there” comments a National Trust employee.
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Lots of people visit the Trust’s new landmark; “It gets more business than the Halifax College bar” beams the AU President.
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Donated back to the University for the new Heslington North-North East campus. Hailed as a technological triumph and a sporting disaster.
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Transformed into the new Halifax College cocktail bar.
worst case Declared National plague zone due to the large amounts of duck faeces on the track.
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Brian Barwick buys the track and moves it to the new FA National Football centre at Burton: “I made an excellent deal with a man called Brian”, grins Barwick.
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Football Focus does a feature on Burton. Garth Crooks is impressed with the second-hand athletics track.
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Brian Cantor uses the vacant space to build the new Sports Science department; “I need space for my Jacuzzi” says Cantor.
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Harry Redknapp opens the new Sports Science department; “I’m getting paid”, he says. Henry Wellcome building renamed the Harry Redknapp building.
YORK VISION
SPORT
Tuesday January 15, 2008
F O S N O I S I V
BY ALEX RICHMAN WELL, 2007 has been and gone and we're all a bit closer to death. We're also closer to one of the most exciting periods of sport in recent memory, with the Beijing Olympics, European Championships and, of course, Varsity and Roses just a few months away. But how exactly will sport on campus unfold in 2008?
JANUARY MOVING ON UP In the university equivalent of a tricky away tie to an Eastern European semi-professional outfit, York's
We've gazed into our crystal ball and can now exclusively reveal the highs and lows of the year ahead, so you can just skip to the best bits like a teenage boy manically fast-forwarding through the 'plot' of American Pie 2. Enjoy!
most athletically-gifted sides, the story badly affects morale. IndieSoc's temporary suspension for the use of performance-dehabilitating drugs has rather less of an effect.
APRIL MARATHON (WO)MAN AU President and philanthropist Jo Carter completes the Flora London Marathon in a little over three hours.
Football 1sts clinch promotion after beating Durham 2nds. While the win takes the team into the 2nd division of BUSA's complicated league structure, captain Dominic O'Shea pledges not to bring respectability back to the university's sporting sides. "We will be pushing hard for relegation next year," he promises.
FEBRUARY HOT YORK ON YORK ACTION Varsity comes and goes, as it is wont to do. Despite the institution being closer to the university than Lancaster, students find it difficult to muster the same emnity for York St John as is usually exhibited during Roses games. The AU blames "excessive fraternising with the enemy." Lobbying for more Roses events to be included in Varsity face stiff competition - York St John's lack of a permanent Ballroom Dancing Society threatens to hamper progress.
Carter is immediately rewarded with a lucrative training deal as the London 2012 organisers continue their frantic scramble to cobble together an athletics team. Carter admits disappointment at her finishing time, blaming her training style modelled on world record holder Paula Radcliffe. Her decision to stop after six miles to urinate in the street proved costly.
MAY NOT A GOOD YEAR FOR THE ROSES Despite enduring conditions reminiscent of the temporary accommodation provided for victims of Hurricane Katrina, York's sports-men and -women are forced to settle for second places
MARCH WE'RE VERY, VERY (LA)CROSS(E) Scandal erupts as four university Lacrosse players are banned for two years after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. Having long been regarded as one of campus'
in the annual Roses competition at Lancaster. The university administrators react angrily, redoubling their search for a new AU President to regain the title.
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A GOOD YEAR FOR: NICHE SPORTS
With higher rates of inclusion being sought by the AU, sports such as Ultimate Frisbee and Octopush are set to receive thousands in funding from the university. Accusations that the scheme is a waste of money are being angrily refuted by pasty nerds.
A BAD YEAR FOR: MEN'S HOCKEY Plans are currently afoot that would see university hockey's landscape change drastically. In a disappointing attempt to reinforce gender-based stereotypes, BUSA are seeking to make skirts a compulsary piece of kit for all hockey players, male and female. The plan has found great support from the university's football, rugby and basketball teams.
JUNE UNATRACKTIVE PROSPECT The AU denies claims that the renovation of the university’s athletics track is a high priority, insisting that Athletics Day will be “a thrilling end to the season.” Unfortunately for Vanbrugh, hopes of a championship win are dashed after three of their 4x100 relay team become stuck in the mud while waiting for the baton.
JULY NEW ERA WITH AU LEADER
DiAngelo. An irate caller to URY's sports phone-in blasts the decision. "It's pathetic," laments the York student. "You wouldn't see Halifax getting a welfare officer from Goodricke, would you? He's got no idea of the history and traditions of campus sport. I'm gutted."
OCTOBER HARDLY (WENT)WORTHWHILE Wentworth forfeit their first match in the inaugural Deloitte College Championship Second Division after being unable to field a full football
Following a "root and branch" examination of campus sport's organisation, the university's first ever foreign AU
team. This leaves them rooted to the bottom of the table, despite being the only college taking part. Wentworth's tennis captain describes the situation as "disappointing." President is unveiled. Italian student Marco DiAngelo, from Università di Bologna, arrives with a strong track record having secured the prestigious Rosetta trophy for his university in the previous academic year.
AUGUST
DEEMED NOT (WENT)WORTHY Wentworth’s pitiful points total in the college sports league sees them finally relegated from the competition, leading to the creation of the allnew Deloitte College Championship Second Division. Wentworth’s college sport representatives downplay their hopes for next season, citing anticipated timetabling problems.
SEPTEMBER NOT AU-GE FAN
Rumblings of discontent continue over the summer appointment of Marco
NOVEMBER OFFICIALLY IN TROUBLE The AU faces a second year of referee shortages, leading to one second year volunteer officiating all of November's games. By the third weekend, and with her vision blurring and lips chapped from whistle-blowing, all remaining games for the academic year are postponed indefinitely.
DECEMBER HAT-TRICK FOR HALIFAX The university's largest college is awarded their third successive Deloitte College Championship in record time after the cancellation of sport in the spring and summer terms. Halifax's college chair hails the "forward-thinking" AU for their decision.
Tuesday January 15, 2008
Issue 185
VISION ON TOUR: WE TAKE IN A MILAN DERBY
P24 Collusion? Cancellations? Calamity? It can only mean...
YET ANOTHER COLLEGE SPORT COCK-UP EXCLUSIVE
BY ALEX RICHMAN COLLEGE SPORT faces fresh criticisms from college captains after the autumn term’s fixture list pile-up saw competitions concluded DESPITE a host of games not being played. The
controversy
marks
the second hurdle for the AU to overcome, following the refereeing shortage that led to unqualified officials taking charge of a number of college games during the first term. Participants in netball and football, two of the most popular sports on campus, were damning in their condemnation of timetable problems.
Jack Kennedy, college sport’s co-ordinator and the man responsible for scheduling, emerged unscathed from the comments as captains pointed instead to collusion between the higher ranking colleges that saw matches delayed and eventually cancelled.
FULL STORY: Page 25
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