ble Inevitabilities JACOB SHEPHARD TELLS US HOW PROCRASTINATION
INEVITABLY AFFECTS HIS WORK ETHIC.
As I write, the television is tell-
ing me that Easter is nearly upon us. I have no reason to doubt it as it accurately predicted Mother’s Day and Valentine’s. Leaving that aside, television is not the only clue to what time of year it is; the daffodils are out, Newcastle United have a new manager, Walker’s have introduced new limited edition flavours of crisp, all off which taste like bitumen. Yes, Spring is here, and with it comes that break between terms, which since the age of sixteen has been the time when I knew I was supposed to be doing something, but find myself with zero motivation to do it. I have been sucked into the black holes of television and teh internets (sic.). I know that I am supposed to be reading, and I have been. However, the material has mainly been cracked.com. What makes cracked deadly is the hyperlinks. No page is ever a dead end. “After you’ve read about the five most badass US presidents, why not read five reasons why a zombie apocalypse could actually happen?” Wikipedia is just as bad. If only they would remove the hyperlinks – “you don’t want to know about the Spanish-American war Jacob, trust me. Oh, you’ve clicked the hyperlink anyway. You’re a victim of your own thirst for useless knowledge in manageable chunks.” This is how I find myself at two o’clock in the morning, sharing a sigh of resignation with my old friend Mr. Laptop - “Well, here we are again.
I’M WATCHING A YOUTUBE VIDEO OF A KOREAN CHILD SINGING HEY JUDE. EPIC PRODUCTIVITY FAIL.”
The dubious pleasure of the internet’s non-porn related content is one thing. At least it is there to
tempt me during term-time. The new threat is that of the television, something that I make a point of saying that I do not miss during term, but within five minutes back home, I’ve once again become a slave to Dave. “But I can’t possibly be revising, there’s an episode of ‘QI’ from 2003.” Then there’s the television that under normal circumstances I would never consider watching. I watched ‘The Apprentice’ for the first time this holiday. AS FAR AS I
CAN TELL, IT’S ABOUT THE LESS ACADEMICALLY INCLINED STUDENTS OF A SIXTH FORM COLLEGE VYING TO IMPRESS ONE OF THE GRINGOTT’S GOBLINS.
The first episode of the new series drew a record audience of 8.1 million viewers. Apparently during these hard economic times, what people really want is the sight of obnoxious yuppies flaunting their undeserved wealth and the repeated sound of “you’re fired”. Art imitating life I suppose. I am only grateful that there is no X-Factor to draw me in. I must point out that I only watch the early schadenfreude* rounds, in which the show is less about music, more about laughing at the fat, poor and ugly. I stop watching once it becomes a mawkishnessfest, in which the public temporarily embrace the mewler who has the deadest relatives. In any case, no matter how many times I try to get “an early night”, or have “a productive day”, my fate inevitably sets in. Procrastination has me in its clutches. Writing this article is in itself procrastination, which I like because it’s meta. Anyway, I should probably come up with a decent conclusion, but I’m watching a video of Chuck Norris fighting a bear. Lol.
v
Top to bottom: means of procrastination *How amusing/depressing is it that spellchecker recognises “badass” but not “schadenfreude”?
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, TIDY YOUR ROOM, WASH YOUR HANDS, PRETEND THAT YOU HAVEN’T GOT OCD, R KELLY’S HIP OPERA,