Clementine Beauvais
WHY WOMEN RULE!
VIVID PRIDES ITSELF ON BEING AT THE FOREFRONT OF THE CAMPAIGN FOR GENDER EQUALITY. SO WE ASKED KATY BULMER TO REPORT ON HOW WOMENS’ BATTLE AGAINST OPRESSION IS GOING IN THIS DAY AND AGE. You shouldn’t respect all women. You totally shouldn’t. Some women will hurt and maim and destroy and take your Toblerone and put it in the fridge even though you specifically told them not to because it gets too hard and I can’t break it into manageable chunks. Not all women deserve respect, just as not all people of any minority or majority do. I happen to be one of those women. Sometimes people are very nice to me because of my feminine wiles and my vagina and I cannot help but smile knowing that inside I am a big, big bastard.
WHENEVER PEOPLE HOLD OPEN DOORS FOR ME AND SAY: “AFTER YOU, MISS” I MAY GIGGLE AND TWIRL THE HEM OF MY SKIRT BUT INSIDE I SMIRK.
Now that you’ve given me a head start i intend to destroy everything you ever loved in this room. Nay, your life. I can get away with that because i’m a pretty lady. Sometimes I look at the gender divide and think, Gosh this is unfair, I shouldn’t get away with as much just because I’m a girl. Take
my family, for example. I have an older brother, Sam. Sam is very hard working and subsequently gets great results academically, as well as just taking pleasure in the company of other people and the world around him. My parents can’t remember his name most
I, ON THE OTHER HAND, ONCE BURNED DOWN A SCHOOL. MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME A BIKE AND RUFFLED MY FRINGE, CHUCKLING “GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN, DON’T THEY?” Man, I loved that bike. of the time.
I used to ride it all over town ramming into pushchairs and pensioners. And because it was so pink and sparkly and I’m so blonde people just though I was a silly, ditzy girl and chuckled merrily all the way to the hospital. I could never quite clean up all the blood off that white wicker basket though. In a way, I should be thanking Sex and the City. They’ve given us women such a clever rouse, its ridiculously easy to trick anyone into thinking that you’re thinking about pretty, pretty shoes when you’re really planning your next
Machiavellian manoeuvre. I mean just think about it logically. When that film came out, remember the massive excitement, remember every girl you know going to see it? This is because we were all meeting in cinemas all over the country to plan the next step in our hostile takeover of the world, at 1.30pm, 5.30pm and 8.30pm respectively. You thought we all really cared about Carrie getting married? Think again. When I saw it ten times, my friends were all: “You’re so lame,” and I was all “Yeah. Lame,” secretly knowing, that when the revolution comes they’ll be the ones being sacrificed at the Altar of the Almighty Bridget Jones. V So, to summarise my sentiments on what it’s like to be a woman: 1] I’m a woman. 2] Oh man, I love being a woman. 3] I’m not saying you shouldn’t be kind to women because of all our treachery and stuff. You should be kind to everyone. I’m just saying, specifically, be kind to me because I have a short attention span and I’m trigger happy.
VIVID VULCANIZES, VIVID IS A VULGAR FRACTION, VIVID WOULD LIKE A VOWEL PLEASE CAROL, VIVID VARIES, VIVID IS