The Adventures of Viv Writer

Thee Adventu ures of V Viv Writerr

1

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chapter 1 What Happened?

Chase and I purchased our first home in Queens, off of Farmers Boulevard. Both of us were working well paying jobs that allowed us one car and several romantic trips a year.

The haul into the city, from Queens was inconvenient most days. We had to ride the 4A bus to the train station and then the F train into the city. We rarely left the house at the same time but occasionally we would run into each other coming home. On such occasions we would always go out for dinner.

I was the first to get the pink slip. I was a basket case when Chase came home that day. I cried like a baby who had their binky taken away. Chase had never seen me so destroyed. His only thought to help me was to call my doctor. “Baby”, he whispered like it was a secret, “I’m going to get you some help. We are going to get through this but I think I need some assistance here. Let’s get you to the emergency room”. Dr. Allen didn’t know which one of us to treat in the emergency room. The doctor ended up giving us both Xanax.

Exactly two weeks later Chase was late coming home. I called his cell phone and there was no answer. I didn’t leave a message until he was three hours late.

“Have you left me? Should I be looking for a divorce lawyer?”, was the message I left.

There was no response. Chase had not responded to my calls and over six hours passed. I fell asleep on the couch in my clothes, shoes and with my cell phone in hand waiting for him.

It was the dawns early light and the smell of old, stale cigarettes that awakened me. I sat up and could see Chase was on the floor next to the couch. I couldn’t decide if he had passed out there or not. I reached my arm down to wake him up when I saw something in his hand. It was his pink slip.

Chase too had lost his job.

With both of us looking for employment things got very stressful. Chase was very cranky all of the time. He complained and nagged. He was zero fun. I was concerned too but not to the point where I was in a bad mood all the time. Well, the Xananx helped.

2

The Adventures of Viv Writer

One night Chase called me into his office to show me something on the computer.

This was something he did often. With so many free hours, Chase had taken to surfing the computer most of the hours of the day and night. He was looking for employment and filled out loads of them but often he would go off on a tangent. “Honey, you won’t believe this. Come here, you gotta see this”. It was almost always a scam some very creative person came up with. The ads almost always began with, “Work at home and make millions. Send us two hundred dollars and you are on your way”. It was clear to me what was going on but Chase wanted to believe those ads. Our conversations would almost always end up with me saying, “Chase you are so gullible”.

I suppose we lost close to one thousand dollars prior to him coming to this conclusion.

This time, however, it was different.

Chase sat me down in his office. He took my hands in his. In a very calm voice he asked me, “Can you cook?” I was stymied. I took my hands out of his and stood up. “What in the hell are you asking me? I was in the kitchen cooking you something to eat?”, I said. I started to leave and he reached for me and motioned for me to sit back down.

He said, “No that’s not what I meant. Do you have any old family recipes that would sell?” Now I really was confused and I shouted in frustration, “Why do you want to sell my family recipes?” We both had to get jobs soon but we were not at the point where we had to consider selling off stuff.

Luckily, we had money in our savings account to tide us over until we found something. “What is this about? Chase You are not going to sell my recipes”.

Chase didn’t want to sell the recipes at all. His idea was to go into business selling baked goods. At first I was not excited about the idea of being stuck in a kitchen all day but the more we talked about it the more excited I got. Chase made it sound so exciting.

Chase had always wanted to go into business for himself. I loved the idea of him getting to live out a dream. While it had never been a dream of mine, I loved the idea of resurrecting my grandmothers recipes. There was nothing to lose and so much to gain. With us in agreement we set out to make good things happen.

3

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Our business needed a name. We knocked around several from “Busy Bee Bakery” to “On Your Mark, Get Set, Bake”.

None of which hit the mark to me. Late one night Chase woke me up screaming and making odd noises. I thought the man was having a heart attack. “What the hell is wrong with you?” He jumped out of the bed and turned to me like he had something in his hands. “Nana’s Noshes”. With an epiphany like that, we had no choice but to go with it.

In no time we had lots of orders from family, neighbors, and friends from our church. Because we were still working out of the kitchen in our house, the number of orders matched what we could handle.

Each room of our house was used and we decided not to hire anyone until we absolutely had to. We used family to help us. My mother on brother only too happy to help us.

Working this close to family proved to be beneficial in some ways and less so in others. My mother is not a mean spirited woman but she has her moments especially when her children are involved. I have one younger brother, Vincent, and the two of us learned at an early age that the only thing that set Mother off was if you hurt or upset us. My normally demure mother morphed into a beast when either of us was even the least bit sad.

Unfortunately, Chase and my mother got off to a rocky start years ago when Chase and I were just dating. Chase had always

been a good looking man and thus attracted many woman. Some he attracted, he was not even aware of. Such was the case with Kathy.

We don’t speak of that incident but my mother remembers it and like a dog with a bone, won’t let it go. What happened years ago always seemed to be lurking just around the corner in my mothers thoughts.

With all of us working together in the kitchen I thought, maybe those old wounds would heal but that did not seem to be the case, initially. Mother kept saying mean things to Chase. They were anything but subtle. “Have you seen Kathy?”, Mother would ask as she cracked eggs. She would never look at Chase. Her voice was so cold and sharp. Without even waiting for a response she would say to me in that angelic voice, “Honey, check the ovens.

That batch should be ready”.

Chase took it all in stride. He would take a couple of deep breaths and continue what he was doing. I would look over at him and throw him an air kiss. I felt sorry for him but I also appreciated what my mother was doing too. It’s funny how I have these dualities of feelings.

When my mother left each night, I could hear an audible sigh from Chase. One night after a particularly difficult day, I went over to him and gave him a hug. Abruptly, he pulled from me like I had done something wrong. “What...”, I never finished my question as Chase left me, in a huff. Not

4

The Adventures of Viv Writer

only did he leave the kitchen, he left our house.

It was like Chase to go off by himself when he got upset. It was rare but when he did it was likely that he would go away from home. I never knew exactly where he would go each time and there was no particular local bar he would frequent. He would just ride into the city and walk around. This usually sent me into a panic because I didn’t know where he was and I couldn’t focus on anything until I knew he was home and alright.

I didn’t called him as I knew he wouldn’t answer the cell. Instead, I called my mother.

“What happened in the kitchen today?

What did you say?” My mother was obtuse initially and then she came clean with what was said. Apparently, she accused him of using me to do what he always wanted to do. She went on to explain that she felt used as well because many of the recipes and work was done by her.

She had a valid point. My mother was really the muscle behind the kitchen. Nana came up with all of the recipes but it was Mother who knew how to interpret them and bring them back to life. It was Mother who gave us the financial backing to start the business. She had been nothing but supportive of Chase and me. “Chase is not looking after you properly. He’s got you, and me, in that kitchen all day and night long. Your poor brother has put his life on hold to help. What is Chase doing?

Nothing.” She went on and on. I couldn’t say anything because she was right with the exception of Chase not doing anything.

Chase was a math wiz. He did very well managing our financial affairs. All the things Chase did well were done when my mother was gone for the day. He would stay up to the wee hours of the morning balancing the books and making sure everything was just right.

When Chase returned home, it was late. I met him at the door. I stood leaning against the archway that connected the foyer and living room and watched as he came in. I didn’t know what I was going to say. I just wanted to know he was alright. His head was down so I tilted my head so I could see his face. He looked up and I could see the saddest eyes. He just looked at me. I began to cry and he reached for me. “Oh, honey what’s wrong? I’m sorry I made you worry”, he said while caressing my back. “You are alright”, I managed to say as he held me tight. I felt whole with him close to me.

5

The Adventures of Viv Writer

He took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. He apologized for upsetting me and told me he had something he had to do. “I have to have a one on one talk with your mother. I can’t keep going on like this.

We both have things we have to say to each other”. I agreed with him but his request was a little more difficult to do. He wanted me to go into the city the next day so that he and my mother could spend the day working together. I was scared and he knew it. What he didn’t know was, I was scared for him. My mother was not one to play with. I didn’t sleep easy that night.

The next morning, I agreed to not be around but I didn’t agree to leave the house. I just had to be close. I’m such a worry wart. I mean someone had to be there to call 911. Chase agreed that Vinny and I could work in the basement.

any movement. I kept running up the stairs and listening at the door. I ran back down the stairs and stare up at the ceiling. Vinny would say, “Are you expecting Chase to come through the floor”? We laughed but it was very possible Mother could send Chase through the floor. Instead, it was only three hours and fifteen minutes when Chase came down and asked me to help Mother with the dishes. Vinny and I looked at each other and laughed. Walking back up the stairs, Chase turned around and said, “What are you two laughing at”? Neither of us answered. I just shook my head as did Vinny because we both were thinking it only took a short period of time before Mother was finished telling him what she had to say.

That night in bed Chase went through his night time kissing ritual. He kissed me on my forehead, both checks and on the lips. “I love you”, he would say before settling in. I sat for just a few seconds and realized he was seriously going to sleep. “Excuse me”, I said., “but are you going to tell me what happened in that kitchen today?” He turned over to face me only slightly. “Ask your mother”, he replied, and then turned back around and went to sleep. I knew better than to ask my mother. I just left that for another night. From that day on, it wasn’t smooth sailing but there were less bumps in the road.

It was the most unusual of days. I expected to hear all sorts of yelling and screaming. I kept looking up at the ceiling.

Instead it was very quiet and I couldn’t hear 6

The Adventures of Viv Writer

As the business progressed Chase and I grew closer in other ways that amazed me when I stopped to think about it. It became most apparent went he went left for a weekend to visit his family.

Chase and I had from time to time gotten away for a weekend separately. We called them our “me weekends” I would hibernate in a cabin in the Adirondack mountains while he loved to go fishing and sailing in Annapolis. After a weekend alone there was a freshness that we both enjoyed. Time away from each other had its merit.

The weekend Chase went to visit family members was different somehow. I immediately missed him. My mother and brother stayed late with me Friday night but after a late movie, they left. As soon as they left I sat on the living room couch and I just knew Chase was going to come in with two cups of coffee. I smiled as I remembered he was with his family. I missed our chats before bed.

Something similar occurred when I finally went to bed that night. Instead of me using the whole bed to sleep I found myself balled up in a little corner of the bed. I usually had to do this to sleep with my cover stealing, bed hog of a husband. I could not sleep that night. I missed having him close to me, feeling the warmth of his body next to mine. In his sleep Chase would reach for me and pull me to him. I got up several times during the night and just walked about the house. Finally, I ended up on the couch with the television on for noise and the pillows all around me for touch.

That was a long weekend and I was so glad to see Chase Sunday. The whole weekend I did nothing but think of him and look at pictures of us through the years. It sounds so sappy but I have truly enjoyed going through the years with Chase. I felt blessed to be apart of someone who made me miss their presence even after being together for fifteen years.

I was so delighted to see Chase when he returned that I was not thinking. I was somehow still in a cloudy haze from strolling down memory lane. He obviously did not have the same type of weekend.

Immediately he wanted to talk business.

“Honey I’ve been thinking”, was how he began and I knew then I was in trouble.

“We need your marketing skills for this next move”. What was he talking about? “Chase we are not struggling to meet demand now.

This is low stress and we are turning a profit. Why are you messing with this?”

7

The Adventures of Viv Writer

What I didn’t know at the time was Chase did not go to visit his family as he said.

Instead he went up to East Hampton and spoke with someone about some property.

He spoke so fast as he was telling me. I couldn’t help smiling because he sounded like an excited little boy. I couldn’t help but be just as happy as he. If the truth be known, I was not happy that he did all of this without me. Is it a “male thing” that causes them to want to take care of everything and then come tell you about it later? He had a list of things he wanted me to do.

I was use to taking orders from Chase when it came to business affairs. He was always right and made very good decisions.

In the kitchen, however, things were different. My mother ran the show and I was second in command. He got orders from the two of us and he didn’t have a problem with that.

As Chase went through all of this information in record time, it didn’t dawn on me until we were in bed what he said.

Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning my eyes opened. I was in my usual ball with Chase covering me and I called his name, “Chase!” I had to call out to him about five times before he whispered, “Two minutes. Give me two minutes and I’ll be ready for you”.

I was not in the mood for making love to Chase again. I wanted to talk about what he asked me to do earlier. He wanted me to mount a full blown marketing campaign for “Nana’s Noshes”. Suddenly I was very frightened. I mean, I knew what to do but I had only done this type of work with a team of people. He wanted me to do this alone.

“You’ll have Vinny and your mother”, he said, “What’s the problem?” The problem was that I lacked the confidence to really make this work well. So much of the family money was riding on this.

Chase turned me over to face him.

“Honey, what is it? You can do this”. He began to kiss me. “I don’t know Chase, this is bigger than I can handle”, I tried to explain. “I need help”. He continued to kiss me. I knew I would break and the thought of me trying to mount a successful campaign really started to weigh on me. My eyes began to fill. He stopped kissing me and started to comfort me. “What is it that is making you feel like this?” He knew I was not comfortable with this and we didn’t have the funds to get a team together. The more he stroked me and tried to convince me, the more I cried. Chase tried everything from tough love to making love and nothing could convince me that I could do this. So 8

The Adventures of Viv Writer

we did the best thing at the time. We went to sleep.

For the next two weeks we talked about everything else but my part in this venture.

We decided we had to sell our house. My mother suggested we sell it to Vinny. Chase was all for it so I didn’t knock it. I thought my mother would have a problem with us moving up to East Hampton but she was very excited for us. It wasn’t until later that I realized why she was so excited for us. She assumed that she was moving with us.

“When do I get to see where I will be staying? I need to know what to bring and what I have to leave”, she was quite terse that we had not cleared these things with her earlier.

thought about it already. He had made arrangements for the men building our new house and store, to build a beautiful a little cottage behind ours. It was the sweetest looking house and my mother loved it.

Despite all my kicking and screaming about coming up with the marketing campaign, Chase told me what he wanted and left me alone to do it. When I say left alone, I really mean left alone. He never mentioned it. Once everything was moved and we were nearing the opening date, I told Chase I wanted to go to the cabin for a week. He softly kissed me and said, “I love you and I’ll see you when you get back”.

I didn’t even look at Chase because I knew he was just as unprepared as I was with a response. “I didn’t show you a picture of the mother‐in‐law suite?”, asked Chase. I almost threw my head off of my neck swinging around to look at Chase.

What in the hell was he saying. “Oh you’re going to love it”, he continued. “You can probably fit your apartment in that suite.

We’ll ride up next week to see it if you like”.

Now that was some smooth talking and my mother bought it hook, line and sinker.

For most of that week I looked at old work I did and spoke with friends from school to get some ideas. One night I called Chase and just talked for about an hour about why I couldn’t do this. He just let me go on and on. Every once in a while he would throw in, “I understand”. Finally he said, “I made arrangements for you to stay another week if you need to. We will manage here. I will see you tomorrow or next Sunday. I miss you and love you in my spirit. Bye Love”. He wasn’t mean or nasty about it but I knew I had to either shit or get off the potty.

Later that night during our pillow talk, I started laughing. He stopped and said, “Why are you laughing?” Barely able to stop laughing, I said, “Why did you say all that stuff about a suite to my mother? Why didn’t you just say we still have to work on that?” To my surprise, Chase had really

The grand opening was something out of a dream. Our families were there. Friends from the old neighborhood made a special trip up to the store. Everywhere you looked there was love and happiness. The only down side of the day was us running out of several products.

9

The Adventures of Viv Writer

The local newspapers reporters were there and were certain to make note of us running out of our signature muffins.

“Nana’s Mulberry Madness Muffins were Missing”, was the title of the article. While we took the hit on the title, the article was very pleasant and worked well for positive advertising for the store.

We are all such creatures of habit that even the slightest change could throw us off center. With the four of us working day and night, we got into a rhythm that worked most of the time. We had our share of blowouts and we each had at least one meltdown moment. I’ll admit to mine being the worst when I substituted the salt for the sugar. That was just a bad day.

Three weeks of chaos ensued. I felt like an old wet rag. My muscles were weak and for the first time in my life my hair hurt.

Poor Chase was overwhelmed as well. In his sleep he would rattle off numbers and pump his arms in the air. It was like sleeping with those guys on the floor of Wall Street.

Finally, Chase agreed that it was time to get some outside help. It was the breathe of air we were all waiting for. There was a group sigh of relief from Mother, Vinny, and me. Along with this welcomed thought came the fact that we would have to adjust to others.

Four new staff members were welcomed to the store. Chase took great care in hiring each but we all had a say so in who got the positions. I would go further into detail but it is just not worth it because all four were “let go” within days of each other. The bottom line was that no matter who we hired no one was going to work the way we did because it was our business and we had the most at stake.

I felt trapped in the store. I felt that for the rest of my life I was going to be in that kitchen making muffins, sandwiches and snack foods. All of us needed a vacation or at the very least some time off. All of us couldn’t go at the same time so we decided to rotate out. Chase went first because we voted and he won. He was, without a doubt, the most stressed.

10

The Adventures of Viv Writer

While climbing into bed I asked Chase, “Where will you go?” I was very happy about him getting some time off but I was miffed that I was not going with him. I missed our romantic getaways we use to have. I tried not to show it but I’m sure he knew. “I don’t know. I really hadn’t thought about it”, he said it so cavalier. He asked if I would plan the trip for him. How unfair was that? I mean, it’s one thing not to go with him but to add nuts to this muffin, I had to plan it for him too. In some way Chase thought my planning his trip was a good way to share in the experience. I sent him to San Diego, clear across the country.

The night before he left I couldn’t sleep. I thought it was because he was going to be gone for a week and I was sad and stressed.

He couldn’t sleep either. We stayed up making love, laughing, talking and playing.

Because the store was a part of the house, we decided to have some fun. We stripped down to our underwear, sat in the store, and had muffins and coffee at three o’clock in the morning.

Later that day I kissed Chase goodbye and asked him to call me when he got checked into his hotel. Things get a bit murky from here. I don’t know what happened. I can just remember saying, “What happened?

What happened?” and the blood draining out of my head. I couldn’t hear well. The person on the other end of the phone and I had a bad connection and he had an accent I could not understand. I knew something was wrong but what? I felt myself getting

weaker and my legs buckled from under me and I was out on the floor.

My mother took the phone from me.

Within seconds she broke down in tears.

There were customers in the store and Vinny could tell this was bad and quickly cleared the store and closed us down.

“There was a fire.” The man on the phone had a husky voice. It sounded like he was struggling to catch his breath when he spoke. He went on to tell my mother the Kansas City Barbeque, the landmark restaurant, caught fire. Chase was dead. I was to fly out there to identify the body and bring him home for services.

I don’t recall most of that. Mother tells me things in bits and pieces. I remember only a glimpse here and there of getting on the plane and greeting people. Numb is the best way to describe it all. I couldn’t feel anything. I was just there. My mother and brother guided me around. We had to go here and do this and there and do that. I never signed my name so many times.

Time has gone by and I am still not myself. I don’t think I’ll ever be. I walk around in a state of disbelief. I keep feeling like Chase is going to come home even though I know better. We built so much together and now all I have left of him are my memories, our home and business. My mother thought I would sell Nan’s Noshes but that never entered my mind.

There is much to do to keep us up and running. Chase is never far from me in my 11

The Adventures of Viv Writer

thoughts. Nights are the worst. I sit in the store until the wee hours and just stare off.

With a deep sigh I get up, go to bed and let the soft moments with Chase wash over me and embrace me. It is there that I find some comfort and it is there that I rest with him.

He lives in me, in my spirit.

12

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chapter 2 The Soft Moments I don’t know what got into me that morning. I suppose I was tired of feeling sad and depressed. Everywhere I looked there were memories of the past except they seemed so fresh. The wounds were not healing and I had to accept that possibly, the wounds were not going to heal.

I surfed the net for flights to places I always wanted to go. I began with London, England. The pictures were absolutely lovely. I wanted to go there and see the Beefeaters, eat fish and chips, and maybe shop at Harrods. In a matter of clicks my hotel and flights were booked.

Mother was not thrilled with my decision to go alone, but she did support me. She agreed to look after the store which she got running like a well tuned engine. Success had blessed us and we were doing rather well. My marketing plan worked well and we were enjoying the benefits of our success.

When I left, I kissed Mother and my brother, Vinny, goodbye. “Please don’t worry. I’ll be fine”. They looked very pensive and I just knew they thought this excursion was just that side of insane. They would be absolutely correct.

I didn’t allow them to drive me to the airport. On the way to the airport I passed several busses. On the side of two of the buses was, “Nana’s Noshes”, and a huge picture of me holding our signature muffin.

The cab driver looked back several times but said nothing. I didn’t say anything either but just smiled to myself. I thought of how Chase pushed me to create that marketing plan. He could pull out the best in anyone.

Thanks to him Nana’s Noshes was and still is a dream that still lives on past him.

The airport was crowded. As I got closer to the gates I began to feel nervous and I was breathing quicker. I feared a panic attack was coming on. I suffer with them but hadn’t had one in a few months. I purposely left all medicines at home but now I felt the choice was well intentioned but maybe a little rash. I wore my double breasted blue jacket with the gold buttons, white pants and blue heels. I looked like I should have been boarding a ship instead of a plane.

13

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Without drawing attention to myself, I sat in the first available seat. I was beginning to breathe quicker now. I closed my eyes so I could visualize a field of flowers. Focusing in on a quite, peaceful place usually helped me breathe better and relax. When I opened my eyes there were six men in uniforms looking at me.

My eyes grew big and my breathing increased. “What’s wrong?” I tried to ask in a calm manner but I heard my voice shaking. A young fellow took a step toward me, “Are you alright?” He couldn’t have been twenty years old. He reached for me but my body language made him think better. “I’m fine, thank you”. People were walking by looking at me, largely because the men looked concerned. I got up and tried to walk away. I took two step and that’s all I remember.

I woke up in an office. The couch was a brown sticky leather. My armed peeled off the couch like a wet lollipop from a piece of paper towel. It smelled of rotten meat. The

desk was filled with neglected stacks of papers. There were no windows and an overhead fan was the only source of flowing air. I got to my feet and wondered where my purse was. I quickly walked to the door and as I did the door opened. A very tall, handsome man looked at me. With his eyes only, he backed me up. I took several steps back and found myself next to the sticky brown couch. “Excuse me but do know who has my purse”? I was trying to be as kind as possible. He wore a similar blue blazer and grey pants. He said nothing but walked over to a cabinet, unlocked it, reached in and pulled out my purse. Still silent, he looked at me and handed me my belongings. All I could say was, “thank you”.

With my belongings, I quickly walked to the door. As I turned the door knob he said, “Ms. Writer, I enjoy your Mulberry Muffins”. I turned around, “My....”. He interrupted, “You and your husband own Nana’s Noshes, right”? I smiled and said, “Yes, well...”. I didn’t want to explain about Chase. “Thank you for saying that. The muffins are my Nana’s recipe”. I turned to leave. Again he stopped me with his voice.

“Um, you missed your flight, but you could still get the red eye to London, if you still want to”. I didn’t know how to feel about this. He had obviously been through my purse and seen my plane tickets. I wondered if he had seen my journal in there. Did he read it?

He walked over to me. “You passed out”, he said. “I gathered”, I snapped. My whole mood had changed. I felt violated. I checked 14

The Adventures of Viv Writer

my purse for my journal. “My name is Johnathan Blake”, he said with a smile. He reached out his hand. I didn’t want to touch him. I looked away and said, “Pleasure”. I located my journal and turned to him with it in my hand. “Did you read this”? He looked guilty. “Read what”? He looked confused. “Never mind”, I said, “ What gate do I go to”? I reached for the door and he quickly opened it. “I’ll walk you to the gate.

Do you need to see a doctor. The paramedics are still here if you want to go to the hospital”. He went on to tell me everything that happened as we quickly walked though the airport. I tried to explain that I sometimes had panic attacks but he didn’t seem to know what they were.

Once we arrived at the gate he helped me check in. I thanked him, hoping he would leave but he was lingering. Trying to make conversation he asked me all kinds of questions about Nana’s Noshes. I was polite and answered. My patience was getting thin and I felt an attitude coming on. Finally I just said, “Thank you so much for your assistance. I am fine now. I don’t want to keep you from your job so...” He interrupted, “Oh don’t worry about that. I got off hours ago. I just wanted to make sure you were alright”.

Fortunately they started boarding the plane. I didn’t know for sure but I felt he was flirting with me. It had been awhile since I had experienced that and it was not comfortable. I chuckled to myself as I walked down the corridor to the plane. I looked back and sure enough, Johnathan

was standing there watching me walk away.

I turned around, smiled, and began twisting my hips all the way to the plane.

Once on board I was greeted by an attendant with plastic attributes. “Welcome aboard”, she said with a smile that looked glued on. I smiled back at trying to walk by.

“May I show you to your seat”, she continued as I passed. Why would anyone need help finding their seat? The seats were numbered and next to the numbers was Braille.

Once I arrived at my seat I saw the biggest man I had ever seen in my life. I didn’t know you could get that big and ride a plane. Don’t they have rules about that?

For safety reasons I thought that would be evident to more than just me. I immediately felt bad for him. His breathing was labored and he was pouring with sweat. Then I felt bad for me because not only did I have to 15

The Adventures of Viv Writer

sit next to him but there were three seats in that row. There was no way we were all going to fit. I quickly said a prayer that the other person would be a “no show”.

He looked at me in a odd way when he saw me. I bet he was praying I would be a “no show”. I thought he might feel a little embarrassed so I told the man he didn’t have to move for me to get to my seat. I literally climbed over him. It felt like I was rock climbing. Once I reached the other side, I really did feel accomplished. Just as I caught my breathe, I looked up and there was an old feeble man looking at me. He had on glasses which magnified his eyes. He just stood there and stared at me. Why was he staring at me? I would have thought he would be staring at the man next to me and trying to work out that situation. My ticket dictated that I was to have the middle seat but I was next to the window.

The man grunted a few times and the plastic stewardess came skipping down the aisle. “Is everything alright here? Does anyone need my help?” It didn’t take the brilliant woman long to see the problem and she was anything but subtle. “Oh dear, what will you do”? She was useless.

The problem was not going anywhere.

We all looked like stagnate water until the big fellow announced that he had to go to the bathroom. Every head on that plane turned and looked in the direction of the bathrooms. I thought I heard two men behind me taking bets on whether he would fit in the door.

Finally the boarding process was through and we were ready to go. Everyone was seated except our friend in the bathroom.

He had actually gone to the bathroom several times during the boarding process but we could not take off until he returned to the seat. Once he returned there was yet another problem. The seat belt would not fit around him. The useless, plastic flight attendant had already put on two attachments to the seat beat and was trying to find another one. Finally this guy from the back of the plane walked up with a rope. I chuckled but he was serious. He strapped him down like he was a steer at a rodeo. It worked and we were off.

After nine hours in the air, I lived the definition of “uncomfortable”. I was never so happy to get off of that plane. Things only could get better for me after that and they did. In a relatively short period of time I got through customs, collected my luggage, and was in a cab. For an extra fee the cab driver took me on a scenic route of the city, hitting many of the places he thought I should see while in London.

16

The Adventures of Viv Writer

I didn’t know what to expect when arriving at my hotel as I had only the pictures on the internet to go by. It was absolutely lovely. The people were so friendly and the atmosphere was luxurious.

Everywhere I looked there was style and beauty. The 1930's art deco style was stunning but what took my breathe away was the Dale Chihuly chandelier. I stood and just stared until some person with a beautiful British accent said, “Hello”. I must have looked like a deer in headlights. He appeared to be a very charming gentleman.

I said nothing but just looked at him. “I said, hello”, he repeated but this time he sounded a little condescending or maybe annoyed that I didn’t respond. “Hi”, was all I could manage. He stepped around me and kept walking. It was then I realized that he wanted me to get out of his path.

I managed to check in without a problem and was escorted to my room. Once the door was opened to the suite I was introduced to British design at its best. It was a Linley Suite and it was beautiful. The room seemed to say, “Welcome, I’m glad you are here”. I felt like I was somehow

transported back in time to the 1940's elegance. I smiled, tipped the gentleman, and fixed myself a drink. As I looked out of the window I thought, “My senses have not been this engaged in a long time. I need to live on but I don’t know how to take the steps to go on”. At home the colors seem so dim and dull. Suddenly, I wanted to smile.

Just looking around the room made me smile.

What would I do first in this lovely city?

My mind raced with all of my ideas and with the things I wanted to do. I hadn’t felt this way in a long time. It all felt new. While my spirit was willing, the difference in time made it impossible for me to go on. There is a five hour difference in New York and London and my body needed time to adjust.

I managed to change into my old grey sweat pants and a t‐shirt and went to bed. As I passed the huge mirror in the hallway, I laughed at the sight of all of this elegance and me in my grungy grey sweats slipping into bed.

The smell of fresh coffee awakened me. It smelled like it was in my room. I rolled over and the room was very dark with the edges of morning trying to peek through the curtains. As I stretched my body in bed I couldn’t help but caress the smooth and soft sheets. I stopped suddenly when I took in a deep breathe and I could smell bacon.

It smelled so close. I turned on the light next to the bed and looked around trying to organize my thoughts. I stood up and started toward the door when all of a sudden I heard someone coughing.

17

The Adventures of Viv Writer

“Someone is in my suite”! I didn’t know what to do. I grabbed the phone and ran into the bathroom. “Good afternoon, how may I serve you”? The hotel receptionist sounded so perky. “Afternoon? Are you serious? Never mind, there is someone in my suite”! I must have been screaming so much that she couldn’t understand what I was saying because I had to repeat myself several times. Finally, I heard her say, “We’ll send someone right up”.

I heard a knock and I didn’t know if whoever was out there would get it or not.

They knocked again and again. Finally, I yelled, “Come in”! I heard the key in the door and I braced myself. “Mum, are you there”? It was the young man who escorted me to my room. “I’m in here”! He knocked on my bedroom door. “Mum can I assist you”? His voice was so kind, and I loved to hear his accent. “Um, is there anyone out there”? The young boy sounded confused.

“Excuse me Mum but there is no one out here but me”. I was confused. I opened the bedroom door and looked him in the eyes.

“Are you sure? I heard someone coughing, I smelled coffee and bacon”. He walked back in the suite and he yelled from there, “There is no one out here Mum”. I walked out and I didn’t see anyone and I couldn’t smell the coffee or the bacon. “I’m so sorry”. What else could I say? I was totally embarrassed. “That’s fine Mum. Would you like me to get you some coffee and bacon”?

He wanted to make things better. “I could prepare some for you now if you would like”, he continued.

He was a sweet young man and we ended up having coffee and some pasties together. I thought he went above the call of duty to sit there and try to calm me down. There was something very genuine about him. He cared about someone he didn’t know except for escorting them to a room. I tried to tip him and he refused.

“Thank you Mum, but it was my pleasure.

Do enjoy the rest of your day.”

Alone in the room I was still confused. I sat on the couch and looked out the window for a long time. It looked like a beautiful day an I was letting it slip away. I decided I was going to get dressed and head out on one of those red sightseeing double decker buses. I called down and this time the hotel receptionist addressed me by name. If I didn’t know better I would have thought there was laughter in her voice.

The hotel made all of my arrangements.

Before I knew it, I was out taking part in the day. I rode on top of the double decker bus.

The lady spit out all sorts of information about the city. I was amazed at how well they preserved the history of the city. I was very impressed by the number of parks in the city. There are eight London Parks and all looked well cared for. I especially loved, The Green Park and decided to get off to visit.

There were so many people walking and running through the park that it felt like home to me. I sat there and just listened to the sounds of life. With my eyes closed and a smile on my face, I was suddenly startled 18

The Adventures of Viv Writer

by a voice. “Good day to you”, said a British voice. “Yes it is”, I replied. I closed my eyes hoping he would move on but no luck. He asked if he could sit with me. I couldn’t imagine telling him no. I mean, I am in his country. He sat down and began talking. I just shook my head agreeing and acknowledging. The information he gave was incredible. I was engaged in all of the history of the London Parks and wanted to know more.

London Parks was one thing but going out with a total stranger was another. I didn’t want to go out to dinner with anyone.

I started to answer and put my head down as I began. “I was...” Suddenly I felt hands on my body. I screamed. “No, don’t do this! What are you doing?” I could feel his body against mine. He had big broad shoulders and defined

He stood up and held his arm out for me to take it. It was very retro and I thought a bit forward of him. I got up and took his arm and we walked about the parks. It was dusk and I realized I had been with this man for all of this time and didn’t know his name. Actually, he probably said it when he first sat down but I didn’t commit it to memory. I’ve got to stop doing that. I didn’t want to ask because he might be offended.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t ask my name either.

“Where did you plan to dine tonight?” I just looked at him. It was a fairly simple question but my answer would dictate what I would be doing for the evening. I was not ready for all of this. Walking about the

muscles. He picked me up and twirled me around twice. “Please put me down”, I was confused and put off at this point. He did put me down and stood there and looked at me with a smile on his face. It was awkward. For the first time I actually got a good look at him, for a police report no doubt. We looked at each other for a short time and then he began to laugh. I turned to walk away. I heard him shout as I walked away. “Wait, don’t go. I didn’t mean to offend you. I thought you would like that.”

Why in the world would he think I would like that? Where did he read that in my body language or in our conversation?

“Doesn’t every woman want to be swept away?” It was a silly thing for him to say but the way he said it was very sweet. I stopped and turned around. He looked like a hurt 19

The Adventures of Viv Writer

little boy. I could tell he really didn’t mean any harm. Maybe he was a touch retarded or something. I felt like I was being mean to him. He just stood there waiting for me to say something. I turned to leave again, walked a few steps and looked back. He was still there looking at me walk away. I yelled back to him, “Thank you for showing me the parks”. I walked quickly out to the streets and got a cab. “Claridges please”, I said in a voice filled with tears.

Why was I sad? I didn’t do anything. I began to question how I handled the situation and began to cry. I had hurt someone. Maybe I over reacted. I wanted to go back and talk to him but I thought, I don’t even know his name and he’s probably long gone by now.

The lights were spectacular on the London streets. I wanted to get out and walk around but I was too scared to do that alone. I asked the cab driver to drive around for awhile. He was only too happy to.

While driving through Piccadilly Circus area my driver began weaving in and out of traffic. I thought maybe he was doing this for me so I said, “Sir, I’m in no hurry. In fact you can...” Just then there was a crash. I was thrown forward and the cab slid to a halt. “Sorry Mum. I will...” Suddenly this grungy man with a cigar in his mouth came to the window and interrupted him. He was screaming. “What are you playing at mate?”

The cab driver got out and two of them started a physical fight and were exchanging words. From what I could make

out my cab driver owed this other guy some money and he wanted it right away. My cab driver did not have it and didn’t appreciate him following him around. None of this was my business and people were quickly gathering. I decided I was leaving. I thought, if I walk away would they even notice? I looked at the meter, which was still running, and decided to leave the amount on the meter at the time of my leaving.

I walked in the area of Piccadilly Circus for only a short while when I saw the Piccadilly Circus Memorial. It was beautiful with the statue of Anteros on the very top. I went over and sat down and stared at the statue of Anteros. I had to chuckle to myself as it was ironic that I would find myself with Anteros, the Greek god of requited love, the punisher of those who scorn the advances of love. Of course he represented a different kind of requited love but it was related sort of.

The memorial was filled with all kinds of lovers and it was beautiful to see. Romance was alive and doing well. I felt a bit out of place as I looked around so I made my way out to the street to try my hand at another cab. I was getting good at hailing a cab and I loved the way the door opened. There was a taste of vintage, old country all around me and I liked it.

This time the cab ride seemed like it was going to be less eventful. The driver was friendly enough. He asked how I was enjoying the city. I told him how much I really enjoyed the London Parks. He too 20

The Adventures of Viv Writer

knew the history of each of the parks. The more he spoke the more I thought about my nameless friend I met earlier in the day.

I began feeling sad again. I had an idea. “Sir, would you do something for me please?” I didn’t wait for a response but continued, “Will you drive me to The Green Park please?” He agreed but did give fair warning, “Mum the park is no place for a lady like you this time a night. Anyway, we are here at your hotel. Are you sure you want to do this?”

there but it wasn’t meant to be I suppose.

On my way back to the cab I passed a little garden I hadn’t seen before. It was beautiful the way the up lights made the flowers look. I stopped and went over to sit down. It was a little garden of peace. For just a few moments, soft moments, there was just me in the garden. It felt so good. I wanted to sit there all night but I knew I had to go. I would come back.

Once back at the hotel, I had what appeared to be hundreds of messages. I didn’t read them on the way to my room but decided to wait until I got to my room. I called home when I landed at the airport and told Mother and Vinny all was well. Why would I have this many messages? I resisted the temptation to open the messages. I just looked at the stack of them in my hand. The messages

It didn’t take long for me to convince him and before I knew it I was walking in the park looking for my friend. I didn’t see him anywhere. I couldn’t call out to him so I just ran around looking. Even at that hour there were plenty of people about. My time was running short. If I wasn’t back to my cab in fifteen minutes he said he would leave. I would have no problem getting another and I knew he would wait as I had not paid him.

As I was walking back toward the cab I felt good that I had at least come back to look for him. I would have felt better if he was

caused me to think something horrible happened at home. I put the huge stack of messages on the couch and fixed me a drink. I tried to brace myself for whatever was next. I picked up the first message in the stack and the phone rang.

21

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chapter 3 Cranberry Cove

It’s November and the first holiday without my Chase. The days and nights have not gotten better. I have had friends try and distract me to take my mind off of my loss but all have failed. My heart has turned so dark and light has been forbidden. I won’t allow it.

Arden calls regularly. He has been trying so hard to be a friend but his advances are met with the steel vice, not allowing him to touch any part of me. I have been cruel only to make it clear that I don’t want anyone close to me. I don’t set out to be hurtful but something happens when I hear his voice.

My instincts kick in and I say something intended to make him go away. He does not go away.

Last night was a beautiful cold night. I went to the beach house, Cranberry Cove, for the week end. I didn’t expect many would be there. The cranberries around the house were out and looked beautiful. I always thought that it was strange to have a beach house that looked so much like a mountain house.

I wrapped up in the Icelander coat Chase gave me last Christmas, and walked down to the water. I stood there and let the cold breeze wash over me. The couples walking by were oblivious to me and I was so deep in thought that I too didn’t spend much

time acknowledging their presence. Like clockwork the tears began to flow. The world didn’t stop and my whimpers caused no alarm to those passing by.

I wiped my tears and they were quickly replaced with more grief and disappointment. Just the thought that Chase and I were no longer one left such a hole in my being. Suddenly my cell phone rang with our song, “Open Arms”. I let it play and decided I didn’t want to answer. I knew it would be Arden calling with some inane question or comment. I didn’t want to be bothered.

My eyes caught the attention on a giggling couple walking on the beach. They were both wearing shorts. As cold as it was they didn’t seem to care. Their gleeful noise was familiar and for a little while I smiled as it was so familiar. I knew what they were feeling. I too had been so in love that others didn’t exist when we were together. We were caught up in each other.

22

The Adventures of Viv Writer

They didn’t take any note of me. They stopped and kissed. That too was familiar.

He reached for her and she stepped into his arms. You could tell she was comfortable in the nook he had created for her. He embraced her and softly kissed her lips. His head tilted slightly to the left and then to the right. She tugged on both sides of his shirt pulling him closer to her. I knew exactly what she was feeling as I too had felt what I am sure she was feeling. I felt something strange in my stomach. I was going to get sick. I turned and as I bent over, I heard the girl yell out, “Are you alright?” I couldn’t answer and I began to walk back to the house. My legs felt like lead and my head was spinning. Again her voice yelled out, “Are you alright?” I stopped and dropped to my knees. She and her boyfriend came running. I was embarrassed. The two stood there with their arms around each other looking at me.

I looked at them and managed to say, “I’m fine. Thank you.” He stepped forward with a handkerchief and placed it in my hand. I look at him and wiped my mouth.

“Would you like us to call someone? You don’t look well.” She was sweet and her voice was very direct. I replied that I would be fine. He took her hand and pulled her away and they began to walk away. I sat there for a while but noticed her look back at me several times as they made their way down the beach. I looked down at the handkerchief and began to weep again. The phone rang again. “Yes, what is it?” I was audibly upset and he could tell. Not sure how to respond, Arden said, “Um, where are you Viv? I’ve been calling since this morning. You sound upset.” I didn’t say anything for a long time. I just held the phone. He kept saying, “Are you okay? I going to come to you. You’re at the beach right? Are you okay? What do you want?

Are you okay? I’ll be right there. Don’t move. Are you okay?”

I hung up the phone and slowly walked back to the house. I took a shower and brushed my teeth and made a cup of tea. I sat in front of the fireplace in my bedroom with all the lights out and slowly drank my tea.

I heard the door bell but did not jump up.

I knew it was Arden. I continued to drink my tea and gaze into the fire. The phone rang.

“What do you want Arden?” I screamed in the phone. “Leave me alone. I don’t want to be bothered. Don’t you get that?” There was no sound on the other end of the phone. I had done it again and I felt rotten about it. I snapped the phone shut and got up. I opened the door and there he was.

23

The Adventures of Viv Writer

He was wearing a black leather jacket and green turtleneck sweater and cool water cologne. His pants were tight around the middle and accentuated his masculine anatomy. He saw me and wasted no time.

He stepped in. “I have to speak with you. I have to say this now before I lose my nerve.” He stepped pass me and walked in. I rolled my eyes and slowly closed the door.

What in the hell had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted to sit and grieve. Why won’t he just leave me alone. He was obsessing. I knew what was coming and I simply didn’t want to deal with him. I was not in the least bit attracted to him and didn’t want to have a relationship. I had tried that in London and that didn’t work. I had resolved myself that my soul mate was gone and nothing would ever replace that. Why could he understand that?

“I love Viv. I want you in my life. I can’t stand to see you in such pain. It hurts me to see you like this. Now, you can push me away again and again but you will never stop me from loving you.” He was like a non stop train. He just kept going. I was listening but his words didn’t touch me. It all sounded like a personal problem. He was in love, not me. He had to deal with the fact that I didn’t love him and didn’t care if he loved me. Was I suppose to love him just because he had it bad for me? The whole thing was making me angry.

He continued to tell me about when he first fell in love with me. The story was neither touching nor did it compel me to get sappy with him. The truth is I do think

Arden is handsome and has a lot to offer physically but emotionally I was not available.

“May I take my coat off? It’s hot in here.

Are you cold? Are you getting sick?” He reached up to feel my head. I didn’t move.

“You feel very warm. Come over here and sit down”. He took my hand and directed me to the couch where he sat me down on his lap. “Why are you doing this Arden?” I could say it without crying. “You know I don’t love you. I am grieving Chase and I can’t do this. I don’t want you.” There was a long pause. I started to get up off of his lap when I felt his hands on my waist and then my breasts. His big hands cupped my face and he pulled me into his body and began to kiss me. His lips were soft and he touch was very tender. I felt his tongue open my mouth. I turned to face him. I wanted more. He was smooth. In one motion I was under his massive body. The weight of his body was in between my legs.

I could feel how much he wanted to make love with me.

He whispered, “I want you. I love you.” I said nothing. I didn’t love him and I did want him. I wanted Chase. I wanted to make love but to Chase. Arden was going to be a segregate. I could close my eyes and pretend it was Chase. He could hold me and make love to me like Chase.

We began to kiss more passionately. He kissed and sucked my breasts and then slowly made his way down. “Ahh Chase.”

The words were clear and stopped Arden in 24

The Adventures of Viv Writer

his tracks. It was a sobering moment. I sat up and looked at Arden. “I’m so sorry Arden. I am not ready for this. You have got to see that”.

much I love you? It hurts when I can’t see you. I need to be with you”.

Arden was obsessed but there was nothing I could do about it. I just needed him to know the truth and I was in the mood to tell him the truth. “Arden, I don’t love you. I think you are a nice person but I don’t love anyone right now. I can’t. I’m trying to make sense of what is going on and I can’t. I still love Chase. I can’t just love another. It’s not working like that. I know you mean well but you need to let go of the idea of me”.

“But I love you so much. I want you.” He began kissing me again. He didn’t seem to care that I was not there with him. In my mind I was with Chase and he was alright with that. He slid his hands under me and moved me down on the sofa. “Please Arden, let’s not do this.” He stopped immediately and sat up and pulled me over to him and again I was in his lap. “I love you Viv. Does that mean anything to you at all?”

I walked slowly out of the house. I could hear Arden behind me but he said nothing.

We walked down the beach. He walked about five paces behind me. There was nobody out there. The sound of the ocean was very calming. I stood still for a moment and I swear I could feel Chase next to me. I could smell him despite the Arden’s cool water. Just that quickly it was gone. I fell to the ground. Arden rushed over.

I put my head on his shoulder and just looked at the fire. He did the same. We sat there for two hours. The logs were going out. Finally Arden whispered, “Do you want me to put more logs on the fire? I don’t want you get cold”. He was a sweet and kind man and I’m sure somewhere in me I did care for him. “No, I’m going back out on the beach”, I replied as I stood up. I looked around for my wrap. “I’m coming with you”.

There was a brief pause. “If it’s alright with you, please let me just hold your hand. I just want to be near you. Do you know how

“I know you don’t love me. Could I please“, there was a long pause as we both looked out at the sea. “Please let me in your life, if only as a friend. May I just be here to pick you up?” He smiled at me and I just looked at him. “I love Chase so much. I can’t stop loving him. I don’t know how”. I put my head on his shoulder and he kissed me.

25

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chapter 4

them and we wrapped those. The next year we did the same and had great fun sharing the time and laughter together.

Long Last Love

“Would you pass me the tape Arden?”

Carrie said with a smile. “It certainly is wonderful to see Viv smile again. I can’t tell you how impressed we all are that you are the one responsible for her new happiness”, Carrie continued only partly serious. She was always very suspicious of those in my life. Carrie is a sorority sister and a close friend since I was five years old.

Our conversation centered on the tree this year. Arden and I went out one afternoon, drove around a section of his mountain, and cut a tree down. It was the most fun I had in a long time. It is a beautiful tree and Arden went as far as to name the tree. He calls it Buddy. The whole way back to the cabin he kept saying, “Okay Buddy, hold on. We’ll have you home in a little bit. You’re going to love your new digs.”

I laughed but he was serious. He treats the tree like it has human feelings. He gives the tree a lot of attention. “Hey Buddy, how you doing today? I got you some vitamins.

I’ll be right back with them” , he says to the tree on a daily basis.

Arden wanted to host my yearly gift wrapping party. In the past Carrie and Harry would join Chase and me for dinner and then we would have a marathon gift wrapping session. It was a tradition that happened by accident. Harry and Carrie came over for dinner one night near Christmas and after dinner they helped me wrap some presents. We talked, laughed, and watched holiday movies. Suddenly Harry remembered that they had some presents in the car. He went out and got

Indeed he purchased vitamins for the Christmas tree. He decorated it with great care. I must admit it has to be the best holiday tree I have ever seen. It was not at all like the trees I had in the past. My Christmas trees told stories. From my first rattle to the flash drive with my dissertation, my trees had memorable ornaments that were very sentimental.

26

The Adventures of Viv Writer

I’m glad Arden had a different idea for this year. He didn’t want to use anything from the past. One afternoon he came back to the cabin with loads of new ornaments and an idea of a theme. He wanted and old Victorian Christmas tree. The idea didn’t thrill me but I agreed to it.

I agreed to several ideas recently. Ardent invited me to his mountain home for the holiday season last month. He asked that I not give my answer at that moment but visit his place first and then give him my answer. I agreed.

The drive to his mountain home was beautiful but a bit scary at times. It was rare for me to go to the mountains with Chase.

He would have to drag me kicking and screaming. I would always enjoy our time once we got there but the ride there was never good.

The roads leading to Arden’s mountain home were narrow and uphill. There were times I had to close my eyes. I couldn’t watch two cars share such a small space atop a mountain. Arden would reach over and touch my hand, “You close your eyes.

I’ll keep mine open for both of us.”

Somewhere in the past few weeks I allowed Arden to become the friend he wanted. I don’t know if he wore me out or if I was ready to have a friend but I enjoy hearing him laugh. I don’t think I know anyone who can have a conversation by them self. I don’t speak much but that doesn’t bother Arden. He just talks and

talks. I float in and out of what he says. He asks questions and answers them. I smile.

“This is a beautiful tree. The ornaments look like antiques Viv”, Carrie said. “Each one has it’s own little personality and makes a statement“, she continued.

“Where did you get them?”

“I didn’t. Arden purchased all of them.

We did go to several antique malls to get some of them. Believe it or not several were purchased on ebay”, I said.

“We went to several antique malls?”

Carrie questioned my spending time with Arden. She felt Arden was pushing his way in my life and didn’t like it. We all went to high school together but Carrie dated Arden our senior year and the relationship ended on a bit of a sour note. They pretend to be friends now but Carrie still carries pain from that relationship.

“I thought your choice to move in with him was out of character for you but antique shopping Viv? What in the hell has he done to you?” Carrie was concerned but I could see threads of jealousy clearly interwoven.

“I’m just along for the ride Carrie. It’s a pretty place and peaceful. Why don’t you stay for a few days?” I asked but I knew Carrie was stretching it just to be at Arden’s home for the evening. Harry was fine and enjoyed hanging out with Arden. They loved talking about sports and hunting.

27

The Adventures of Viv Writer

“Exactly what did he do to convince you to stay up here with him? You never liked coming to the mountains before. You said you were afraid to be up so high and that the high altitudes bothered you.” Carrie was not going to let me off the hook easily. I deliberately did not respond. She would never understand. I don’t. “You’re not going to tell me are?” Carrie asked.

long time, I’m fine. I have good and bad days but I’m just taking things minute by minute. Arden is a good friend and that is all.” I said with an edge in my voice. “What did you get Harry this year?” I asked to change the subject. “He told Arden he wanted a new hunting jacket.”

“I don’t know how to answer you.” I was honest with her but I knew she would push me further. I told Carrie everything but I did not feel comfortable sharing my feelings for Arden with her.

“Are you two…”, she couldn’t even finish the question. She seemed to believe Arden and I were having mad passionate sex and there was nothing I could say that would convince her other wise.

“Carrie, I am not ready for anything like that now. Arden has been extremely kind to me. We have just been hibernating up here for a few weeks. I enjoy it” , I said and began wrapping the ipod nano Carrie purchased. I picked up the box, “Who is this for, your niece?” I asked already knowing the answer.

“Yeah, you want to change the subject.

No problem. Don’t tell me. Obviously, I am not your best friend anymore.” She said like a hurt middle school child. “You told me everything once upon a time”, she continued.

“This is supposed to be fun Carrie. Let’s just drop it. I’m fine. For the first time in a

“What time is it? I can’t take this much longer.” Carrie was angry. She turned around and slammed the tape on the table.

“I can’t believe you.” She reached up in the cabinet and pulled out a wine glass. She poured herself a glass of wine. “You went off for months and didn’t speak to any of us. I understood that. I waited for you to call me. I waited to be the comforting friend to you. In every crisis I’ve ever had you were always there for me and then it was 28

The Adventures of Viv Writer

my turn to be there for you and you won’t let me.” She drank the wine and threw the empty glass on the floor.

She began to cry. “They are not. I miss Chase. I can’t believe this. We are doing this without him?”

The two men came running in from the living room. Arden grabbed me. “Are you alright Viv?” Arden said with concern in his voice. Harry just stood at the door and tried to put together what happened. “I’m fine Arden”, I said looking at Carrie. “Could you leave us for a bit? We need to talk”, I said while reaching for the broom. The two men left hesitantly. Both Arden and Harry had gloomy faces as the door closed behind them.

I couldn’t take it. I thought I could talk to Carrie and make her see sense but that was not happening. She was grieving Chase. We all were. I went out the back door into the brisk cold. The snow was beautiful and the new fallen layer felt like cotton under my shoes. I didn’t go far. I stood there and took several deep breaths. I tried not to get upset. I felt someone behind me. I thought it was Arden but it was Harry.

I swept up the glass and I could hear Carrie weep. She turned and looked around for the dust pan. She reached over and grabbed the dust pan and put it on the floor for me to sweep the glass in. Without a word between us we cleaned up the mess.

Finally she said, “Sorry I broke the glass. It wasn’t an antique was it?”

“I have no idea Carrie. I don’t live here.

I’m just visiting” , I said as the edge returned to my voice. “Nobody is kicking you out of my life Carrie. You are not outside of my life. You will always be in my life. You are the sister I never had.”

“Is that why you don’t answer my phone calls? Is that why you haven’t called me?”

She responded with hurt in her voice. “Oh, I’m wrong you did call to invite us here for the wrapping party. I should feel great about that. You haven’t totally forgotten me. We get here and things are just as they always had been. Is that what you wanted?”

“Viv, are you alright?” Harry sounded scared to ask. “You really should come back in. You don’t want to get sick for the holiday. Won’t you come back in now?” His concern was sweet and sounded like that of my big brother.

I turned and smiled at Harry. “Yeah, I’ll be in soon. I just want to get a few breaths of good mountain air. Go on back in. I’ll be fine”, I said but he stood there and looked at me. He probably didn’t know what to say. “I promise. I’ll be right in.” I said and he turned to go back in.

Arden was next out and he had a blanket in his arms. “Here, just thought you might want this.” He said as he placed the blanket around my shoulders. “I’ll be inside if you need me”, he said as he walked back inside.

I stood out there for about ten minutes and in that time it dawned on me that Carrie was not only jealous of Arden and me. I was sure she felt like I was betraying 29

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chase and our foursome. I had broken the allegiance to our group by bringing in someone new. I threw the whole balance off.

I came back in and the group was gathered in the living room. In silence they were wrapping presents. Arden was all thumbs and was making a feeble attempt to wrap a pot. I chuckled as I watched him try to wrap the handle. “What are you doing Arden?” I said while laughing. I walked over and took the pot from him. “Didn’t this come in a box?” I questioned him but I saw the box next to him.

“Yeah but I was going to wrap each item.

The pot and the top creates two presents.

Two presents is better than one.” He smiled and was excited that he came up with such a clever idea.

“Who is that for? Who wants pots for Christmas? That is the least romantic gift I have ever heard of”, Carried said. “It’s for my sister. I don’t want to give her anything romantic. She loves pots. She watches the cooking channel all the time and thinks these pots will make her a better cook.”

Arden said with a smile. “Of course we know it’s not the pot that makes the meal.

Knowing how to use the pot makes all the difference. My sister couldn’t cook on the cheap everyday pots and even Paula Deen pots are not going to help her. But if it makes her happy then why not?” Arden said pleased with his logic.

“I think you should leave the pots in the box”, I said. “Anyone want some popcorn?”

I said on the way to the kitchen. “Sounds good to me, Viv”, Harry said. “Not the microwave stuff”. Carrie said. “I hate that stuff.” She got up. “Want some help? And I don’t need a Paula Deen pot to make it taste good.” She said as she passed Arden.

“I’ll be the judge of that Carrie.” Arden said with a chuckle.

“Carrie, I love you.” I said. “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you and Harry when Chase passed on. I didn’t take into consideration that all of us are grieving.” I said as Carrie broke down into tears. “I knew you were there for me. Even though I didn’t talk to you just knowing you were there made a big difference to me.” I said and gave my dear friend a hug.

“I miss Chase so much.” Carrie said through her tears. “What are we going to do?” She said and then suddenly stopped crying long enough to say, “Please Viv, don’t let Arden take the place of Chase.”

“Carrie, no one can take the place of another person. Chase is always with me. I feel him here with us now. He would want us to go on though, don’t you think?” I said as calmly as I could. “Arden just wants to be a friend. He wants to know I’m alright.

There has been no sex between us and we are both alright with that.”

Carrie stepped away from me. “You haven’t had sex with Arden? What in the hell have you two been doing up here in this den of sin?” She said and we both laughed.

30

The Adventures of Viv Writer

“Do you two need some help in there?”

Harry yelled from the living room. “There is a lot of laughing and I don’t smell any popcorn. Carrie, did you bring The Christmas Story movie? I can’t find it in the box”. Harry said from the living room.

“Oh no are we going to watch that movie, again.” I said and we laughed again. “Chase hated that movie.” I said. “Yeah but you loved it and would watch the marathon of it every year on TBS”, Carried snapped back at me. “Yeah, you are right“, I said. “And Chase would tolerate it every year.” Carried touched my hand, “How does Arden feel about The Christmas Story tradition?” We smiled at each other and began making popcorn.

“So tell me how did Arden convince you to come up here, and stay? It is beautiful“, Carrie said with a glance out the window.

“It’s snowing again. How absolutely beautiful”, Carrie said.

“Exactly how it happened. We were snowed in up here for a few days. During that time we talked about anything and everything. I take that back Arden talked, I listened. I noticed something about him. He is a warm and gentle man. While I love Chase there was a part of me that began to love him.” I said as I looked through the cabinets.

“Are you in love with Arden?” Carrie stopped shaking the pot and asked. “Maybe you just think you are in love with him.

We’ve know him for a long time. He’s been that way for years. We always thought he

was annoying, Carrie said as she went back to shaking the popcorn.

“It smells great Carrie”, I said trying to change the subject. “We don’t have to watch The Christmas Story. We could watch something else“. I said.

“So you are in love. Well, I guess that’s good. As long as you feel good about it“, Carrie said. The way she said it made me feel like I was betraying Chase. I suddenly felt dirty.

“There are different kinds of love. I still love Chase the same way I have always loved him. That has not gone away and I hope it never will. I still think about him and he is never far from my thoughts. But I think we have the capacity to love others too“, I said with a deep sigh.

Carrie poured the popcorn out of the pot and into one of the big pottery bowls Arden purchased on one of our Victorian shopping trips. “I suppose you are right”, Carrie said. I just don’t get it. Just sounds like he got you up here and has taken advantage of your vulnerable state”, she continued. I walked over and began to eat the popcorn. “Maybe he did. Maybe you are jealous. Maybe we better not talk about this anymore”, I said with a mouth full of popcorn. “Let’s go give the guys some before I eat all of the popcorn”.

“Jealous my left butt check”, Carrie said as we walked back in to join the guys.

31

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chapter 5 A Cherished Christmas

As I walked up to my house, I tried to focus on opening the door and getting in. I did not want to focus on the fact that I was coming home alone. Memories of last Christmas surfaced as I noticed the Christmas tree through the window.

Mother had been here and obviously decorated my home. As thoughtful as that was, I wish she had not. I decided I would ignore the yuletide greeting and push on.

I dropped my bags at the door and headed for the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I decided I was going to get some paperwork done. Mother had been calling to remind me to get started on the mounds of paperwork because tax season was coming up and she didn’t want the weight of that to stress me out. Looking at the heaps of paperwork on and off my desk, clearly that warning was too late. My determination to forge on was fading as I plopped on my chair.

Sipping my tea, I chuckled to myself. I realized I had been home all of twenty minutes and I hadn’t heard from Arden.

That had to have been a record. He had been everywhere I went for the past month and a half and it felt weird not hearing him say, “Are you alright?” I smiled to myself as I put more water in the kettle. “My kettle belonged to my Aunt Marie. She made tea and homemade biscuits for all her guests.

"People don’t do that anymore“, Arden said each time I prepared tea at the cabin. He was good at making conversation about nothing.

I didn’t want to get started just yet in the study so I took a whirl around the house with my tea. Everything was neat and in place. I smiled and perched myself on the couch in the living room next to the fireplace. I got comfortable and thought about the people on my Christmas list. I usually got Mom a piece of jewelry, my brother some tool from Home Depot, and Chase loves playing that flying computer game, Flight Simulator. I thought, “I’ll get him the latest game out and…”, again I realized he was not here. I didn’t want to get upset so I quickly got up and walked in the study. As I put my cup of tea down on the desk, I picked up the first stack of envelopes. Then I noticed, Mother left me a note.

“Welcome home darling. We are going to the Bahamas. I tried to contact you but couldn’t get you. I left several messages and hadn’t heard from you so I thought I would leave you this note. See you when we get back. Love, Mom.” The note made me happy. I was very glad mom was out and about. I burdened her with the store responsibilities for so long. It is pass time I took the reigns. I set the note down and opened the top drawer to get my reading glasses. As I reached in I felt something strange. I looked and it was a box.

32

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Just then the phone rang. I got up and ran to the kitchen where I left my cell phone. I smiled as I approached the phone because I knew exactly who was calling. “Hi there”, I said certain it was Arden. “Well, hello Bird. I didn’t expect you to answer. I was prepared to leave another message”, mother said in her all too familiar voice.

Mother had called me Bird since I was a child. “Does she call you bird because you eat like a bird?”, my little friends would ask.

The short answer was, “Yes” but the truthful answer was a bit longer and a little more involved.

When mother was pregnant with me she told me a beautiful little bird would come fly around the house. She wanted to encourage the pretty little bird to stay so she built a birdhouse and filled the birdfeeders daily. The bird stayed but disappeared when I was born. Mother felt that I was her beautiful bird. You can’t explain that to your friends in middle school. When I tried to tell my friends, I got a lot of blank stares and “….so you are really a bird?”

“Sorry Mom. I love you”, that always worked. I had no other recourse.

“Call your brother. He would like to hear from you too. Will you join us for Christmas?”, Mother was hopeful I would agree to be with the family. She was cautious not to push as she knew I don’t respond to that well. I knew I would hurt her if I didn’t agree and none us needed anymore pain.

I took a deep breath like I was going underwater. “Yes, I will be there. Where else would I go?”, I could hear the smile she was wearing. I too began to smile knowing I had made her happy. “So, who will cook the goose this time?”

The last time we gathered for a family dinner, Mother cooked the goose and it exploded. The time before that I cooked it and left the packaged liver and gizzards inside. The family really missed Nana for several reasons but none more than her cooking. Nana left us loads of recipes but she went to her grave with some lovely recipes we never bothered to learn. We both replied through laugher, “Vincent!” I am sure my brother, Vincent would love hearing the news that he had the task of preparing the Christmas goose this year.

We both laughed thinking about what fun that would be to see my fastidious brother cleaning a goose.

“I have to go Bird, but do get the mail out. You really must”, Mother said with a plea that I knew meant do it right away.

“Yes, I promise I will get to it”, I said looking at the mounds of paper on my desk.

“Wonderful. I’ll bring you a shirt ”, Mother chuckled and hung up.

Chase and I must of purchased my mother hundreds of tee shirts from our many journeys to places. I have never seen my mother wear a tee shirt. She has a separate tee shirt section in her closet, which I raid when I go to her place, but she

33

The Adventures of Viv Writer

refuses to put one on. She is too much of a lady to wear such things.

My mothers’ house is tastefully decorated. Everything had a place and each item never just put somewhere. My mother has a great sense of style and it shows in everything she does. I suppose style is not something that can be passed down as Vincent and I don’t have the style my mother possess. In fact I was feeling out of place in the house. I looked around the room and it dawned on me that every picture of Chase was missing. In fact loads of items were missing. I jumped up and started looking around for our pictures.

They weren’t anywhere, not even the closets. I grew more and more angry as I searched my house from top to bottom. I decided to go out back to my mothers cottage.

There they were in a foot locker in her bedroom. All neat and packed meticulously.

I struggled to get that locker back to the house. I didn’t call my mother for I knew she didn’t take my pictures down to hurt me. In her mind I am sure she thought she was doing the right thing. She was trying to protect me.

Just as I got to the back door of my house, I saw Arden pull up in the front yard.

He hadn’t seen me so I could pretend like I was not home. The thought was fleeting as I really did want to see Arden. Quickly I dragged the foot locker, with my precious pictures, in my kitchen and ran to the front door.

Just as he was about to ring the bell I opened the door. I surprised him with a big smile and warm greeting. “Arden, come in”.

I said it with such glee that I startled myself and quickly tried to settle myself. “Sure. I think I know why you are so happy”, Arden said as he walked in. He stopped to kiss me on the check but hesitated a bit to see if I would accept. Indeed I did. This simple gesture seemed to make him relax and he seemed brighter. “I wondered if you would like to go out tonight?” Arden was very hopeful and I didn’t have the heart to tell him no.

“I have loads of things I need to get done but I would rather not do them so, count me in”, I said knowing it would make Arden happy. He smiled and gave me a hug. “What time shall I pick you up?” Arden began walking toward the front door. “How about six?”, I said a little startled that he was ready to leave so soon. “Six it is. I’ll see you then”, Arden hesitated again and then leaned in and gave me another kiss on the cheek. Then suddenly he kissed me on the mouth. Looking me in the eyes for some reaction, he seemed to linger there. I said nothing but gave him a smile. I’m sure he took that as a positive sign. There was an awkward moment and he cleared his throat and walked out of the door.

I didn’t know what to think of Arden. I was confused. Was I falling for him. I felt disappointed he didn’t stay longer. I wanted to hear his silly stories, his inane babble that seemed to somehow comfort me.

34

The Adventures of Viv Writer

I walked in the study and remembered, the box. Where in the hell did that box come from? Who put it there? I was behaving like a child at Christmas. Maybe it was a gift from mother but that wasn’t anything she would do and clearly not what Vincent would do. I sat down and pulled the box out. It was bigger than I thought. The box was wrapped in a very pretty pink and peach stripped paper. Atop the box was a peach bow. It was from my favorite store, Cherished. If you got a gift with Cherished on it, you knew you were in for a treat.

A thought came to me. Could this gift be from Chase? Was that an irrational thought? How could he have done this?

Maybe it had been there all this time and I never noticed it until now. Maybe that was the present he intended me to have this year. He knew how much I love that store. It sounds like something Chase would surprise me with.

My heart was pounding and I just stared at the box. A piece of Chase. I was delighted to tears. I wanted to open it but I just couldn’t bring myself too. I saw there was a card in the drawer too. I took it out and written on the envelope was, “My Darling You Are Cherished”.

The gift had to be from Chase. I opened the envelope and there was a card and a letter. I didn’t read the letter or the card. I sat them next to the pretty box and just looked at them. I wanted it to be from Chase. Why couldn’t I just look at the card?

I got up and went to lie down for a little while hoping that would calm me down. It didn’t help as I couldn’t get that present off of my mind. I had to go for a walk. I had get out of the house. A walk would do me good.

I opened the front door and couldn’t believe my eyes. There, in front of me, was an sleigh. I couldn’t believe it! My phone rang.

Well, what do you think?” Arden sounded proud of what he had done. “Arden, what have you done?” I was shocked and excited to see the sleigh and horses. “I thought you might like to go for a ride in a one horse open sleigh”, he said. “Arden, you do realize I see three horses out here.” Arden laughed, “Now Viv, you know I never do anything half way. I had to get you a team of horses. I have to make a stop but I should be there shortly. Don’t have fun until I get there.” Arden had out done himself. A three horse open sleigh. I laughed and climbed up on the sleigh. It was beautiful.

The gentleman sitting upfront smiled as he helped me climb up into the sleigh.

“Would you like to go for a ride?”, he sounded very kind. I didn’t want to leave without Arden but I thought I needed to clear my mind before he got there so I said, “How about a short trip around the neighborhood?” He smiled and we were off.

My mind kept returning to the present and card. I kept thinking of what it could be.

Chase was very good at choosing presents.

He wasn’t always good at it though. Our first Christmas he gave me a Hawaiian robe.

35

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Why did he think I would want a Hawaiian robe? I really would have liked the present better if tickets to Hawaii were in the robe. I remember him just sitting there watching me with that thing. He thought I was going to jump for joy with delight. I could have smacked him or better yet given him an Hawaiian punch. Instead we had a long talk about presents and decided then that we would make a list of things we really wanted and that way we could choose something from that list.

I kept trying to think what had I put on my list last year. We generally didn’t exchange lists until November and Chase was not here then. So if he got my gift early it would have to have been from last years list. Now I was really confused because his big surprise was that he gave me everything on my list last year.

That was it. The present could not have been from Chase because he had gotten me everything on my list last year and he would never have gotten me anything without a list. I was being foolish in thinking it could have been from Chase. I was trying hard to believe myself, convince myself but I kept wanting the present to be from Chase.

Finally, I decided I would call Mother and ask if she put the present there. The phone rang several times and I started feeling silly for even calling. “Hello Bird”, said the voice on the phone. It was too late to stop now.

“Mother, I found the present you left me”. I tried to sound like an excited child. “Well, I would hope so. Did you open it already?”,

Mother sounded disappointed. “No, I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t break our tradition”, I said a bit disappointed now that I knew the present was from Mother and not from Chase.

“Actually dear, I was hoping you would open that one early. I have the other gifts at my home. They are hidden well, so don’t even try snooping. Go on and open that one and tell me if you like it”, Mother said waiting for a reply. “The thing is I’m not home now”, I said, not wanting to tell her about Arden. “Oh, you are not….”, Mother began to say but I cut her off. With a deep breath I just said, “Arden and I are going out tonight and right now I am riding in an open sleigh around the neighborhood”. There was silence. “Alright, well I’ll see you when I get back”, Mother finally replied with a stillness in her voice that was satisfied with whatever was going on. She didn’t ask for an explanation and I wasn’t eager to give her one.

“When I get back to the house I will open the present and give you a call. I know I will love it. It came from Cherished. I love everything there.” I said really happy to receive an early present. “Yes, I know”, Mother replied. “Love you Mother”, I said as I was about to hang up. “I love you too Bird”, Mother replied with her usual tenderness that let me know all was well.

“Um, Mother? What made you put the present in my vanity drawer?” I questioned but Mother seemed surprised. “Drawer? I put the present under the tree. It’s in a pretty red bag”. Mother was being clear 36

The Adventures of Viv Writer

and a little concerned that I had not seen what she left. “Why would I put a present in your vanity?”, she continued, “I’ll talk to you later. Call me when you open it.”

“Yes Mother I will”, I replied with confidence but I was very confused. How did that present get there? I was back to thinking Chase left it. My hopes were really high now. I told the driver to hurry back to my house. I ran into the house, I was thrilled to have a present from Chase. What and unexpected surprise.

Slowly I sat down at the vanity. I stared at the present and finally opened it gingerly. It was a beautiful ornament with my name.

Chase had a custom made ornament for me. The inscription read, “Because You are Cherished, Darling”. I began to cry and through the tears I reached for the card. My Darling Viv, on this lovely day of days, I only wish to say, how wonderful it is to be with one I Cherish everyday. I love you!

I was overwhelmed so much that I couldn’t stop crying. I heard the bell ring. It was Arden and I didn’t want to answer the door. I didn’t want to see anyone. The door bell rang again and again. He was not going away. Slowly I got up and walked to the door. I tried to get myself the together as I walked down the hallway.

It was Arden, I could hear him calling my name. I would be alright if he didn’t asked me any questions. My plan was to just go out and listen to him talk. He would never even notice I was not saying anything. I opened the door. He looked at me in a

peculiar way. He could tell something was wrong. “You alright Viv?” he said, “Did you like the present I left you?”

37

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chapter 6 Who is it?

It’s been a month and a half since Christmas. Time has passed rather slowly on some days and quicker on others. I must admit that having good company does make the days go by quicker. Not many people bother with me lately as I am not good company but the few who brave my poor attitude have done me a service without even knowing it.

I’ve been spending more time in the shop, Nana's Noshes. I have stayed in the kitchen where I can do the least damage. I would rather not be around people with questions about my past. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind answering their questions but I find it painful to do so.

The shop is wildly popular and there are many regulars. I love when they come in and follow the same routine. For example, Gooseberry Gary, a name I have given him because I don’t know his real name. He orders two gooseberry muffins every morning and a cup of earl grey tea. He wears a tweed coat with brown patches on the elbows, loose fitting slacks, a plain brown tie, and a white oxford shirt daily. He appears to be British but I’ve only heard him say , “Number three” and “Thank you.”

It’s hard to tell with just that to go on.

After he gets his muffins and tea he sits and reads several newspapers. He takes his time and doesn’t ever appear to be in a rush. When he is ready to leave he looks full

and well informed. He gets up and collects his things and cleans his area before he departs. When he gets to the door of the shop and just before he goes out, he will throw his right hand up. Without looking back or saying a word. That gesture bids us all good day.

Lucky Lucy comes in late in the evening. I call her Lucky Lucy because she comes in with a handful of lottery tickets. She orders black coffee, sits, and scratches off her lottery tickets one at a time. She wears a sweat suit, an angel necklace, white sandals with green socks and long white ribbons in her hair. She seems to have a pattern when she scratches off her lottery tickets. Lucky Lucy will dig down in her purse, looking for a specific quarter. She pulls the quarter out, kisses the ticket, and begins to scratch the ticket with her quarter. Lucky Lucy scratches the ticket rhythmically, in an upward motion. When she discovers she has not won, she rips the ticket into small pieces with her teeth. Lucky Lucy never cleans up her mess either so Unlucky Viv has to clean up afer her.

We have our resident love birds too. They are a young couple that meet every afternoon for a sandwich and latte. Mother seems to think they are having some sorted affair. They speak in hushed voices and kiss constantly. The two don't just peck on the lips. The get down and dirty. Tongues and saliva has been known to offend an innocent passerby. The couple spend more time looking at each other than eating. If I wanted to, I could become offended that 38

The Adventures of Viv Writer

they never take more than a bite of their sandwiches. They pick around their sandwiches and munch mainly on the chips and pickles. Feeding each other only bits and pieces of a sandwich designed to be eaten in bites. There are no rules on eating a sandwich properly I suppose. They stay in the shop for hours and leave arm in arm.

Mother says they go to a local hotel but I don’t think so. Our local hotel is a bed and breakfast and Callie Drakes would not allow hushed sorted affairs in her Victorian Cottage.

We have our share of unfortunate souls that come in asking for food and drink.

Mother makes sure everyone of them gets something. Our winters are harsh in East Hampton, and she can’t understand why others don’t help the homeless. Mother has made a deal with the local Presbyterian minister, Charlie. If anyone comes to the church in need of a meal, Charlie will call Mother, and she will take care of the matter in a way that does not embarrass anyone.

My favorite guest has to be Fretful Freddy. He talks to anyone who will listen and even those who don’t. One would quickly jump to the conclusion that Fretful Freddy is mentally unhealthy but you would have a hard time convincing me of that. His world view acumen on politics is not only amusing but gives one pause.

So, after a day of working in the shop, I entertain myself thinking about the days events and journaling them. I write the stories down on paper like I am talking to

Chase. Smiling as I know how he would react. After writing in my journal, I have gotten in the habit of calling Arden.

We will spend hours on the phone talking about what we didn’t do that we should have done that day. My time with Arden on the phone has been a needed comfort. In fact he had been calling me and then one day he didn’t, so I called him instead. It was after I called him that I realized I did want and need Arden in my life.

Arden wants more from me and I think I want more now as well. I have pushed him away so long that I don’t know how receptive he would be to me or how to go about talking about it. I’ve invited him over to the shop several times but he has refused me. I don’t know if it is because of Mother. Mother doesn’t seem to care about him one way or the other. She has known him for years because we went to the same school. I don’t think Mother knows of the feelings he has for me or what I feel for him.

I decided that I would call him again and ask him over to the shop after we close for coffee and cake. It snowed this morning but our usual customers are still coming in. We had a bit of a crowd about an hour ago. I love when that happens. It makes me feel successful. Rushing around with a purpose creates endorphins that make me feel good.

They don’t last long though.

As soon as he picked up the phone I said in an excited voice, “Hello Arden”, he replied with his sexy deep voice, “Viv, it’s 39

The Adventures of Viv Writer

always wonderful to hear your voice“. “You wanna come over tonight after I close up the shop?”, I asked. There was a long pause.

I thought I would let him off the hook.

Obviously he didn’t really want to come over or he would have said so and there wouldn‘t have been this chasm of a pause.

“Well, you’re probably working late tonight.

With all this snow you need to be careful out there. I’ll call you later.” I rattled on and was about to hang up when he said, “Wait, I will be there in about an hour. I had some problems with my car this morning so I was wondering how I was gonna get home. So, you wanna put me up for the night? It looks like more snow tonight.”

I did not know what to say. I stood there with my eyes open and looking at us in bed canoodling. Just the thought of it made me pant. It had been a long time since I was in engaged in that way. If the truth be told I had been thinking about Arden and I having sex for a while now.

“Sure, putting you up for the night would not be a problem. You know you are welcomed.” I was so cool. My voice was strong and I was sure he couldn’t tell I was hungry for him. “Good”, he said, “I won’t need any pajamas. I don’t sleep in pajamas.” I thought that was a little over the top. I didn’t know how to respond to that other than to say, “See you in about and hour. Bye.” I told Mother and she replied, “Oh, right”, and walked away. She gave Lucky Lucy a cup of coffee to go, walked over to the

windows and began closing the blinds. Once Lucky Lucy left the shop, I came out from the kitchen and helped Mother close the blinds and clear the tables. We did our nightly closing the shop ritual in silence.

Since Chase passed away, Mother did all of the book keeping. I watched her counting up the money and prepare it for the drop.

“How did we do today?” I thought that would start a conversation but she responded with a quick and terse, “Fine”. I tried again, “You want me to make the drop tonight?” Without looking in my direction, Mother stood up and went to the window, “No, I’ll get Vincent to do it. It’s going to get bad out there soon. Anyway, you need to be here when Arden gets here. I’ll tell Vincent to pick up the bag from my place.

Good night.” She didn’t look at me but just walked away. She grabbed her coat and left out the back door to her cottage behind the shop.

She was not happy with me. She is not one to hold her tongue unless she didn't know what she was going to say. When she was ready to tell me what she had to say I know she will. The temptation to follow her to her cottage and ask her why she was upset was great but I knew better. Maybe she will tell my brother, Vincent, somethng and he will tell me. I stood in the shop looking at the ominous sky and feeling the evening, too, was ominous. Not wanting to think too long about it, I grabbed a cloth and continued washing down the tables.

40

The Adventures of Viv Writer

There was something cathartic about cleaning. The store was neat, clean, and ready for another day. It sparkled with a freshness I enjoyed because I too wish I could begin again each day with the same freshness. The weight of my past was weighing me down. I went to bed with it, slept with it, and woke up looking at it. Torn between not wanting to let the past go and running away from it was the conflict eating at me.

I slowly walked to my bedroom. Pictures of Chase and me followed me down the hallway. The familiar sounds of the wooden plank floors beneath my feet reminded me how I felt when I heard Chase walking down this very hall. Just hearing him walking toward me made my body tingle with excitement.

“What should I wear tonight?” I was thinking out loud. My eyes glanced over the line of clothes hanging in the closet. It was too much to think about so I decided to take a shower first then think about that when I had to.

This way of thinking had become a lovely way to cope. Don’t make a decision until you absolutely had to. Thinking about things too long and making quick decisions created problems for me so I decided I would not do either. I don’t think about anything too much and when required to make a quick decision I don’t. Just taking things one step at a time was working for me.

I adjusted the hot water in the shower and it felt good on my skin. Immediately, I felt a release of tension which made me smile. The water felt fabulous on my skin, massaging my shoulders and back. It was a feeling that took me away. I felt like a feather being blown from one cloud to another. I could hear the air in between flight from one cloud to the other.

Suddenly I heard a door close. My worse nightmare is being in the shower and someone out there wanting to do harm to me. Clearly, I watch too much news.

I shouted out. “Mother, is that you?”

41

The Adventures of Viv Writer

Chapter 7 Cocooning On such a day as this, I should be in tears and beside myself with grief. It has not been a year since the death of my dear husband, Chase, whom I loved and still love.

I find myself not only in the strong, loving embrace of Arden but floating on a cloud of happiness and raining good blessings. To have these strong feelings for another, I once thought impossible, is truly surprising.

This new and deep love for Arden carries along with it small bouts of guilt. When I feel like that, I pull away from Arden with great sadness and coldness. He counters such actions by holding me tightly and whispering over and over again in my ear, his pledge of unfailing love for me. He grants me permission to love again and it is with this permission that the guilt is eased a bit.

If only the impossible could occur. If only Chase could grant such permission for me to continue with this love I feel for Arden. I can’t go on in this emo‐coaster of feelings.

It is grossly unfair to Arden.

Since his early arrival on that snowy night, we have yet to be parted. My brother, Vincent, let him in my house as Arden told him I was expecting him. My voice cried out with inquiring fear when I heard a door close. It was the most frightful moments as I heard heavy steps coming closer to me. I called out hoping it was

Mother but lost all hope when she didn’t answer.

The bathroom door opened slowly as I stood, frozen with fear, and eyes fixed on the door. Suddenly a familiar voice, “Viv, are you alright?” It was Arden. He insisted on asking the same question as a form of greeting.

Relieved that it was Arden and then embarrassed it was Arden, I still stood frozen. At the sight of me in all my glory behind the frosted glass shower doors, Arden’s eyes grew larger. His body did an odd movement that appeared involuntary.

His eyes were fix as he moved closer to me.

I could hear him breathing.

Arden slid the door of the shower open to reveal me standing there with only soap in my hands. With all of his clothes on, he stepped in the shower and began to kiss me passionately. I felt his lips and then his tongue explore my mouth. The warmth of the water over my body, the grasp of his hands on either side of my head, the movement of his body next to mine, and the comfort of his kiss, took me to a place called, pleasure.

We shared our love through the night. He stayed close to me and my every move seemed to awaken him. “Arden…”, the words were not there as I just wanted to cry. He pulled me closer and I continued, “Please don’t.” I pulled away and the guilt of what I had done caused me to scream out.

42

The Adventures of Viv Writer

“Viv you’ve done nothing wrong. Chase is gone. You are not betraying him in anyway.

You must let it go”, Arden was trying desperately to find words that would make me feel better about what we were doing.

I got up and went to the window. I looked out and was delighted. The snow on the ground was beautiful. It looked soft as cotton, was layered rather high and covered all of the housetops. Ice cycles were a variety of dagger shapes hanging from all of the roof tops. All the houses were dark and the only light came from the Victorian light posts. Arden stood behind me, wrapped his arms around me and the two of us stood and enjoyed the view of the winter wonderland. We said nothing to each other.

Arden began kissing my ear, then my neck. I turned in toward him and began kissing him. Arden picked me up and carried me back to bed. He gently laid me on the bed and knelt down beside me. “Viv it is alright to love again”. I reached for him to join me in bed.

open the door. I’m fine and I don’t need anything but wanted to check on you.”

Quickly I tried to turn on the lamp next to the bed. I couldn’t reach it as I was nestled down, so Arden touched the lamp. There was soft light. “Yes Mother, we have electricity.”

Oh no, I said “we”. I knew what was next.

“Oh ‘we’ have electricity do ‘we’. Well, that’s wonderful. I suppose it’s a good thing. I’ll come over to the shop when I can.

I called Vincent but it will be a while before he can get here.” Mother’s voice made me feel ashamed. As Mother spoke I got up and put on my robe.

“Mother, do you want us to come over?”

The phone rang and startled both Arden and me. I was in a fog. Arden released my arms from our slumber embrace. Arden reached over and handed me the phone.

Thanks to caller identification, I could see that it was Mother calling.

“Yes, Mother.” I said, trying to not give away the fact that I was cradled in Arden’s body. “Do you have electricity?”, Mother asked but continued before I could answer.

“This storm is bad. I’m snowed in. I can’t

43

The Adventures of Viv Writer

44