Voice Male Fall 1999

Published Since 1983

Inside: • On Growing Younger • Healthy Aging • Peter Coyote on Making Peace with His Father • Why Do We Need Gender Education, Anyway?

• Men Overcoming Violence in Japan

ALL tHANGE Michael Greenebaum and Wally Nelson MRC 1999 Award Winners

From the Editor

By Rob Okun

Challenge and Change: Around the World, .Across Generations en five japanese lawyers, a Laotian community organizer, an ducator from Iceland, and five wedish human service professionals sat down in the Men's Resource Centers comfortable group room not long ago, it felt as if the organization had opened a bureau of the United Nations. The visitors had come to learn about the work of the MRC-the japanese were pursuing strategies on how to work with men to curb domestic violence; the Scandinavians to learn as much as they could about "Men's Work USA." .

MRC board member Yoko Kato, who is chiefly responsible for bringing domestic violence in her homeland out from behind the closed doors of the intensely private japanese, was hosting the lawyers. joanne Jones. a director of Springfield College's School of Human Service, was overseeing the other visitors, all students in the college's masters degree in human service administration program offered in Sweden.

An instant, easy camaraderie developed among the groups-which included several MRC staff members- and a feeling of hopefulness about effecting positive social change was palpable, despite the many gender-related problems the groups wanted to solve. In Sweden, for example, the image of progressive family leave law belies the fact that most new fathers feel tremendous pressure from their employers not to take paternity leave. And in japan, the tax code offers deductions for families in which the man works and the woman stays home-but none if both partners work!

Before the visit came to a close, business cards were exchanged and invitations proffered for more cultural exchange. Next year in Stockholm, or Tokyo, anyone?

W;

This issue of Voice Male offers more stories from the international front, with news again from japan. As is repor~ed in our "Men @ yvork" column (see page 6), we were visited by the founder of a first -ever japanese mens anti-domestic violence organization, traveling here to learn about efforts in the United States to curb domestic violence. In addition, the MRC was spotlighted in a lengthy feature in an Osaka daily newspaper, including photos of several staff members as well as a portrait of Scott and Nancy Girard, both of whom are a part 2

of the MRC Speakers' Bureau. (Nancys also a member of the board.)

Closer to home, in addition to joe Zoskes insightful "Men &: Health" column, we've put extra attention on men's aging with essays by our business manager, writer-artist Carl Erikson, who is approaching 60, and by our board chair, Michael Dover, newly 55. For the record, besides Carl and Michael, the staff here includes three 30-somethings, three 40-somethings, three 50-wannabes (all49 and counting), and a 53-year-old.

But we'd be remiss not to report on the activities of full-time summer intern Mark Ribble, who, at 19, had his finger on the pulse of what young people are up to even before he spent the summer crisscrossing the region facilitating workshops on topics such as "Male Socialization and the Cultural Reproduction of Power," "Dating Violence," "Healthy Relationships," and "Media Literacy." Mark penned the intriguing article advocating gender education as part of school curriculum: "If gender and sexuality are important parts of the adolescent experience, let's bring them into the classroom," Mark writes (seepage 14).

Also in this issue, we announce the 1999 recipients of the MRC's "Challenge and Change" awards-educator Michael Greenebaum, 66, of Amherst, and activist Wally Nelson, 90, of Deerfield, who will be presented with their awards at the annual banquet on November 21 (see back cover).

Check out the moving memoir by actor Peter Coyote on the stormy relationship he had with his father (page 12 ) , and Steven jacobsen$ "Notes from Survivors" column (page 18 ), poignantly examining the difficulties someone with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) has going to the doctor.

Finally, George Moonlight Davis is back with another installment from his memoirin-progress of growing up in North Philadelphia, "My Saturday Adventure" (page 16 ). Let us knciw what you think of this路issue-write an article of your own if you'd like, or send us im e-mail or letter.

And may the fall bring you a harvest of peace.路

TABLE OF CONTENTS REGULAR FEATURES From the Editor From the Director Mail Bonding Men @Work Men &: Health: Healthy Aging-What's the Secret?

2 3 4 5 10

By joe Zoshe Fathering: Making Peace with My Father

l2

By Peter Coyote 18

Notes from Survivors: Seeing a Doctor

By Steven jacobsen What Do I Do with My Body Now That I Have It Back?

19

By Sam Femiano Thank You MRC Programs &: Services Resources Calendar

22 23 24

26

ARTICLES & OPINION Turning 55

8

By Michael Dover At the Heart of the Matter

8

By Steve jefferson On Growing Younger

9

By Carl Erikson Listening for (a) Change

14

By Mark Ribble My Saturday Adventure

16

By George Moonlight Davis ISSN 1092-4 795 Covtr phot of Wally Nelson by lionel Delevingne The mission of the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop men~ leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in our lives, our families, and our communities. Our programs support men to overcome the damaging effects of rigid and stereotyped masculinity. and simultaneously confront mens patterns of personal and societal violence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

Main Oflkc: 236 North Pleasant Street o Amherst, MA 01002 o 413.253.9887 o Fax: 413.253.4801 SpriDgfidd Office: 29 Howard Street o Springfield, MA 01105 o 413.734.3438 Email: mrc@valinet.com \\\:bsite: www.mrc-wma.com Voice Male

From the Director

By Steven Botkin

Growing a Social Change Organization Administrative Staff

· Executive Director - Steven Botkin ASsociate Director - Rob Okun Business Manager - Carl Erikson DUlce Manager - George Moonlight Davis Outreach Coordinator - Steven Jacobsen Development Associate - Tim Van Ness Men Overcoming Violence

Directors - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinoft Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinoft Group Leaders -Juan Carlos Arean, Steven Jefferson, Rob Okun. Steve Trudel Intake Coordinator - Tim Van Ness Partner Outreach Counselor- Mary Dupont Brandt Youth Education

MARS Program - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Javiera Benavente Springfield Programs

Director - Juan Carlos Arean Voice Male

Editor - Rob Okun Senior Editor - Steven Botkin Managing Editor - Michael Burke Production - Mark Bergeron Ad Sales Director - Steven Jacobsen Copy Editor- Michael Dover Support Groups

Dire.ctor - Juan Carlos Arean Board of Directors

Chair- Michael Dover VIes-Chair- AI Sax Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop Members ·Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Thom Herman, Sean Hutchinson, Ty Joubert, Yoko Kato, Tom Kovar. Brenda Lopez. She/lie Taggart Editor's Note The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters to the editor. articles, news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible tor their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Send to: Editor.

Voice Male, C/o the Men's Resource Center. .

Membership The MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by feeS tor services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25.

Send to-MRC. 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst MA 01002. ' Advertising For rates and deadlines call Steven Jacobsen at 413-253-9887.

Voice Male

F

or most of my life I have held the belief that we are living in a time of profound social transformation. Growing up with the clock of nuclear war only minutes to midnight, environmental disaster looming, and the Age of Aquarius dawning set the stage for this belief. Acros5 this stage marched the activists of the civil rights, peace, environmental, human potential, womens and gay liberation movements. I knew an important and powerful awakening was happening, that human and spiritual forces were converging to move us into a new age of peace and justice, and .I was determined to find my role on this stage.

Through the creation of the Mens Resource Center I have found a place to express these beliefs, a role in the ongoing drama of social change and human liberation. The MRC is now a thriving community where men and women engage in many different groups and projects in the service of this social transformation.

This success has produced some challenging by-products for ,me. As the number of MRC programs and activities expands, much of my time is now spent working to support and sustain these established groups and projects. As we accomplish our goal of having our work recogmzed and valued by society. we are drawn mto bureaucracies that demand time and energy on activities that seem to be, at best, distractions from our core mission. As we grow, more time is needed to raise the money to support that growth.

So, Ilwe are facing important questions for this next stage in our movement. How do we stay true to a vision and mission of social change while becoming more successfully established within existing social systems?

How can we be both administrators and social change agents? What does it mean to age with integrity? What will be the role of a mens center in the social transformations of the montlis and years to come? Here are some of my answers so far.

Maintain collective responsibility. While divisions of labor are often useful, do not isolate administrators from activists. Don't sacrifice the spirit of community. the culture of connection to organizational structure and efficiency. We are all in this together.

Grow the network with other social change individuals and organizations. The MRC is not the only organization facing this dilemma. We are part of a larger process of social change that has grown to this stage.

There is a tendency to feel isolated from and in competition with each other. By growing our · web of connections we can affirm and support our role as social change agents within the system, share and develop effective strategies for

this role, and become a more powerful combined force for change. We are all iri this together.

Stay in touch with the cutting edge. As we grow and age individually and organizationally. there is more familiar territory withm which we are relatively comfortable and secure. We may increasingly focus attention on preserving and protecting the stability of this territory. Stay open to new perspectives, ideas and activities. Make room for energy to· expand and move in unplanned ways. listen for guidance (internal and external). Let the growing edge carry us into exciting new territory.

Make room for diverse youth leadership.

Youth activists have always been a vital part of the _movements for social change. They can .bring a unique perspective on the world we have grown accu~tOil)ed to, and challenge to an established order to which we have become attached. They can carry forward into the future what is meaningful from our legacy to them. Let's invite the next generation of young people to join us as parmers in this process of social transformation. Let's be sure to recognize the next generation in the full spectrum of its diversity. in so ~any ways a broader sp~c­ trum than we have been familiar with. They have so much to show us, and we certainly can't do it without them.

As the new millennium rises before us I am confronted by the likelihood that the &reat awakening that has seemed just around the comer may be a much longer term project than I had believed. It is a disappointmg and painful truth that the ongoing population explosion, environmental destruction, ethnic and nationalist wars, economic exploitation, abuse in our families, and violence and hate crimes in our communities will continue to be defining factors in the lives of the generation(s) to come. In many ways it is to them that we are most accountable.

In the months and years to come, as we weave our way through technological, political, economic and social structures that seem inherently unstable and on the verge of collapse, the Mens Resource Center will continue to find ways to create alternative, sustainable community. mganization and culture. Together with others, we are repairing the web. I welcome your responses lo these thoughts. Please consider sending in a membership contribution, participating in our programs, and volunteering to help.

3

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to : VOICE MALE , MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.Deadline for the Winter 2000 Issue is October 29, 1999.

Fighting Violence in Japan

Men@Fifty

Thank you for making our trip to .

Massachusetts unexpectedly fruitful when we visited in late july. We Japanese have just started looking into domestic violence issues and, as we do so, we have come to realize how serious the problem is. The last couple of years I have been taking domestic violence cases as an attorney in my hometown of Kobe. Every time I bring a case to court, I feel the judges do not recognize the seriousness of the case. They apparently do not recognize that domestic violence may be happening right next door, that it affects the next generation. We in Japan still have a lot to do to solve this problem. Thank you again for all your cooperation, hospitality, and friendship.

Men®Fifty is a soon-to-be-launched Internet company. It hopes to provide a comprehensive website allowing men over 50 to browse articles and get information about topics and merchandise that appeal to them. We are in the process of contacting magazines to provide content for this site, and get information from you or your readers that may be useful in our planning process.

Interested parties may contact me at (301) 229-5771, or by e-mail at jameslee@leestrategy.com to share information and ideas.

Yoshiyuki Sato Hyogo Bar Association Kobe, japan

More Films, Please It was great of the MRC to host a screenmg of the new film Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity. The screening provoked lively debate among those of us who came to see the rough cut. I look forward to seeing more film screenings, and other public gatherings at the MRC in the months ahead.

Ken Howard Northampton, Mass.

james]. Lee The Lee Strategy Group, Los Angeles

Men for Change I'd like to ask for some support for our Canadian mens organization, Men For .Change. Our lOth anniversary is this December 6, corresponding with the commemoration of the Montreal Massacre. In January of this year I invited a new slate of board members to guide Men For Change, so I am interested in gathering ideas for discussion. Voice Male is. full of news about wonderful MRC programs that we would like to investigate as possibilities for our community.

We now run an open men's group and are starting a group for survivors of abuse, but the other groups the MRC offers, like the fathering group and the GBTQ group, would be great to hear more about. We

don't have counselors to run groups like MOVE, but the MARS model is very much within our possibilities.

I am especially interested in the workshops and training materials mentioned in Voice Male. I have been invited to Jamaica to help a women's group get men involved in working to end' violence, so I would love to hear more about such topics as "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building a Men's Community," or "Challenging Homophobia." Thanks for your support.

Peter Davison Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada E-mail: aa116@chebucto.ns.ca Website: http:llchebucto.ns.ca/CommunitySupport/Men4 Change/m4c -back.html

Fear

By Jonah Okun The voice of the crying children They scream out in pain And anguish-the pain in their bodies, The fear of what they soon Could be. The parents rush To find their blood-spattered Children as they fall into One another's arms, crying.

And in their fear-stricken minds comes T~e question: Why?

Jonah Okun wrote this poem as a response to the Littleton tragedy, which occurred 10 days before his 11th birthday.

SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER Yes! Please send me: _

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4

Order MRC T-Shirts, Mugs, and Mouse Pads.

All printed with MRC ~redo: Supporting Men • Challenging Violence Durable T-shirts in teal with black lettering or beige with navy blue lettering Sizes: Medium. Large, Extra Large. 100% heavy, pre-shrunk cotton- $12 plus $2.50 postage Handsome ce~mic mugs in turquoise with MRC logo in black- $6.50 Custom-made teal colored Mouse Pads with MRC logo (7" X 9") Send orders to: MRC Essentials 236 No. Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01 002 ·Please allow four weeks for delivery.

MEN庐)WORK 1999 Challenge and Change Award Winners

Wally Nelson & Michael Greenebaum Deerfield Activist-Farmer to Receive Award Although the awards themselves are only m their fourth year, "Ch allenge and Change" has been part of the Mens Resource Centers credo since its creation m 1982. But for Wally Nelson of Deerfield, Mass. , "challenge and change" has been a way of life- for nearly a century. Nelson, who is路 90, will be honored with fellow recipien t Michael Greenebaum at the MRC annual awards banquet on Sunday, November 21. at the FirstCongregational Church of Hadley (see related story, thiS page).

An activist in the causes of nonviolence, racial equality, and war tax resistance, as well as an exemplar, with lus wife juanita, of what might accurately oe called "the simple life," the modest Nelson .was somewhat reluctant to accept this award, but accordmg to MRC associate director Rob Okun, hes more than deserving. "Wally's life. of semce to what is fair an d JUSt, to caring for the lan d , and for people's hearts and souls, well reflects the MRCs definition of what it means to be a man. We feel privileged to have the opportunity to honor him."

Nelson ai:J.d his wife, juanita, 75 , were at the forefront of the civil rights movement in the United States. As early as 1942 they JOined CORE, the Congress of Rac1al Equality, which j uanita once described as "Gandhian .. . looking for peaceful, nonviolent solutions." Both Wally and juanita rose to national leadership positions with CORE, and served in other civil rights org!lnizations from the 1940s through the 1960s.

Wally Nelson's philosophy fits in well with the MRCs . In a 1983 speech at the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery, Ala., at a service honoring the church's late pastor, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson spoke of "the unity" of humankind. There is one raceVoice Male

the human race. I think that its very 路 Amherst Educator, Writer, important to realize that all human beings .

Musician to Be Honored are sisters and brothers, not only under Michael Greenebaum of Amherst sees the skin, but outwardly, too." social change through the lens of educaMore controversial is Nelson's war tax tion reform. One of two recipients of the resistance. He served time in federal MRCs "Challenge and prison as a conscientious objector . ., . Change" award, he will during World War II, and has " be recognized for his refused to pay federal income taxes ;~ many contributions to since 1948 "I decided it was the local community at ridiculous to pay for what I was in the MRCs annual banprison protesting." Nelson mainquet on November 21 , tains that the U.S. government "Michael represents uses taxpayers' money to fund for us a prime example "premeditated killing" around the of a man making a lifeworld, as well as "rape, mayhem, time commitment to and mass destruction." "I said no community involveto all those things," he once said, ment," says MRC execubut typically disavowed lofty Michael Greenbaum tive director Steven motives, focusing instead on the personal choice involved. "I do not Botkin. "His voice and expect to save the world. I do expect to his leadership have enriched us all." save Wally Nelson from doing some very Greenebaum came to Amherst from stupid things." the Chicago a.rea in 1970 to be principal For the past 25 years, Wally and of the Mark's Meadow Elementary School juanita have lived on Woolman Hill in and an associate professor in the School of Deerfield, engaged in subsistence farming Education at the University of and living without electricity, a telephone, Massachusetts. He anticipated serving as or running water. In 1997 they joined principal at the UMass laboratory school with four other area farmers to form for only a few years and then concentratCommunity Supported Agriculture, a ing on his teaching position at the univerfarming cooperative in which customers sity. Instead, the challenges and opportusubscribe in advance to buy produce each nities so intrigued and inspired him that growing season. The Nelsons' simple he remained at its helm for 21 years. lifestyle goes hand-in-hand with their tax Under his leadership Marks Meadow blosresistance and other principles. somed as a laboratory school. It was part "It helps us reflect on consumption," of pioneering efforts at a multicultural explains juanita, "and [makes] us feel we approach to education that Greenebaum want to live more and more simply Tax spearheaded. refusal is part of a process. lt can lead you In 1987, irate over the state testing on to do other things." requirements then being imposed on , "[Resisting war taxes] is the best thing schools, Greenebaum wrote a letter to the thats ever happened to me," says Wally. editor of the Amherst Bulletin. His letter "It gave me the freedom to open my mind was printed, and he was asked to write a to anything. Because once you face this small series of articles on education issues. tax question, you know then you're living This modest effort has turned into 12 on the brink. If you can develop that years of columns in the Bulletin on a variskill, you've got it made." ety of topics but mostly" relating to education, often provoking local breakfast-table debates . .

Persons interested in attending More recently, Greenebaum has served the November 21st banquet can as a volunteer facilitator at the MRC , in purchase tickets from the MRC its Monday night support group for gay, by calling bisexual, and questioning me:q. In addi(413) 253-9887. tion, he has contributed articles to Voice Male. Greenebaums honesty and clarity 5

MEN(®WORK japanese media. Following a visit in the of domestic violence in japan have not summer by reporter·Shigeko Matsuo of been fully revealed, it is impossible to Osaka, japan, a series ~~~=->~--.---..-. make a simple comparison about domestic violence between the two nations. appeared in Asahi However, it is certain that - Shimbun , one of the 20 shelters are not enough at all. In addition, every largest newspapers in the country shelter suffers from lack of The series focused on financial support from the institutional responses to government, corporations, domestic violence in the ~· fiJ and local organizations."

United States, as well as "As more attention is personal stories from ;;. -~ focused on the issue in battered women and for-~ ~ ~apan, we are hopeful that mer batterers. After dis~t. ~ 1t Will snmulate more cussing the beginning of cross-cultural dialogue," legislation aimed at prosaid MOVE co-director t'ecting battered women, Scott -and Nancy Girard of the MRC Sara Elinoff. "That will police response to · speakers' Bureau help to raise everyone's domestic violence, and awareness of this social problem~in the growth of battered women's shelters, japan as well as in the United States." the article describes the MRC's MOVE program as an example of a batterer-interMen Start Anti-Domestic vention program. It also highlights former Violence Group in Japan clients of the MOVE program who have Efforts to curb domestic.violence in successfully overcome their abu?ive japan have begun to bear fruit. Following behaviors. the whirlwind trips last year to her native Ultimately, the article contrasts the MOVE in the (Japanese) land

by MRC board member Yoko Kato, United States With japan: "The number of News-Again and the broadcast on television stations shelters is slowly increasing in japan," throughout Asia of both her efforts and For the third time in the last two years, writes Matsuo. "However, there are only the MRCs Men Overcoming Violence the work of the MRCs Men Overcoming 20 at the present time. sn;ce the realities Violence (MOVE) program, a new antivio(MOVE) pro~am has been featured in the lence mens organization has been created.

S.akai Takayuki, co-founder, with four other men, of the Domestic Violence Prevention Project, visited the United Stat~ in August, stopping first at the MRC. "In japan, anti-DV activities by men have just begun in Tokyo and Osaka," he reported. "This means that our gmup does not yet have any models in Japan.

We want to know much about other groups With the same purpose around the world, especially in the U.S." Takayuki said his trip to Washington, Otganic Fruits & Vegetables • Bulk Grains and Beans New York, and Boston was geared to Whole G~ain -i!akery • .Delicatessen • ~ learning more about various approaches to intervening to prevent domestic vioOrganac Wtnes • Macrobrewery Beers ) lence. ~ Natural Meats • Sparkling Seafood 9 "Being a part of a growing international Naiurtil Health & BQdy Care • Presh Flowers dialogue about domestic violence, and especially about mens response to domestic violence, is impor~nt in our work," said Russell Bradbury-Carlin, MOVE program co-director. "We hope this dialogue will continue and grow so that we may all learn from one anothers experiences of challenging abuse and helping men Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA 413-586-9932 change."

about issues facing men like himself has been refreshing and helpful to the many who have come in contact with him at the GBQ group or who have read his writ- · ings.. .

Along with h1s education trainip.g, Michael trained as a musician and conductor and soon pursued these interests in the community as well. For 25 years he was a major part <>f Valley Light Opera, serving as conductor and occasionally as stage director. From 1977 to 1986 he conducted the Young Peoples Philharrnonia (an orchestra for children' in the fifth to ninth grades), sponsored by the Springfield Symphony Orchestra.

In addition, Greenebaum has actively participated in Amherst town government. He has been a member of. Town Meeting since 1992 and a member of the Comprehensive Plan Committee which has been creating a comprehensive land use plan for the town. He a).so was elected to the Charter Commission in 1994 and participated in its work until its recommendations were defeated.

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Voice Male

MEN(庐WORK Summer of Youth The MRC's Youth Education Programs ran a variety of workshops throughout western Massachusetts this summer, coordinated by Mark Ribble, a summer intern from Hampshire College. From Amherst to Greenfield, Holyoke to Rowe, Ribble conducted more than a dozen workshops.

Each program engaged between 10 and 25 participants on topics of relevance to young people including Male Socialization and the Cultural Reproduction of Power, Dating Violence, Healthy Relationships, and Media Literacy.

"Engaging community members, particularly young people, on important topics like these is essential," Ribble believes.

"I was able to share a particular progressive analysis with the youth, but it is also a place for all of us to learn from one another in a community dialogue."

Ribble worked with nearly 200 youth in j uly and August at BU Charter High School in Granby; the Teen Resource Project in Holyoke; the Youth Violence: Creating Alternatives Conference in Greenfield; Passages Summer Camp in Amherst; Camp Massasoit in Easthampton; Rowe Senior High Camp in Rowe; the Upward Bound Program at 'Holyoke Community College; Pathways Adolescent Day Treatment in Northampton; The Ware Youth Center; and Franklin Community Action Corporation in Greenfield.

For information about MRC Youth Programs , contact Rus~ell BradburyCarhn at the MRC, (413) 253-9887.

Tough Guise: Media Images and the Crisis in Masculinity Nearly 20 community members squeezed into the MRC's group room not long ago for a screening of the rough cut of Tough Guise: Media Images and the CrisiS in Masculinity, a new film exploring the construction of masculinity and its connection to violence. The films producer, Sut j hally (of Dreamworlds fame), was on hand to facilitate what turned out to be a lengthy discussion about the film.

Comments from the conversation were expected to help in revising the film, set for final release in October.

Tough Guise is aimed primarily at high school and college audiences and will be released in a full-length version and a shorter classroom-length version for viewings in schools. A series of comments Voice Male

from young people is expected to be included in the final cut of the film, including youth from an MRC-run group in Holyoke. Tough Guise was written by jackson Katz, whose Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) program has brought . him before high school, college, and professional athletes, as well as members of the United States Armed Forces, with messages about sexual assault prevention.

The film is a project of the Media Education Foundation in Northampton, Mass. , which produces films offering a critical take on media and culture. For more information contact the Media Education Foundation at (413) 584-8500.

No Comment Department After Sam Clairborn, editor of the student newspaper at Saguaro High School in Scottsdale, Arizona, wrote an editorial criticizing footballs culture of violence, a member of the schools football team took offense and beat him up.

Looking to uonneut~ Try the MAC's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS IN NORTHAMPTON Open to all men.

Every Tuesday at HCAC, 218 State St., 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

IN AMHERST Open to all men.

Every Sunday evening at the MRC, 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

FOR GAY, BISEXUAL, AND QUESTIONING MEN Every Monday evening at the MRC, 7-9 PM. FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE AND TRAUMA Every Friday evening at the MRC, 7-8:30 PM. FREE-FACI LITATE~CONFI DENTIAL

MRC-Springfield Plans Open House

236 NORTH PLEASANT STREET, AMHERST 路 (413) 253-9887

The new MRC Springfield office has been up and running since july l. It currently offers one adult MOVE group and one youth group in collaboration with the MRCs hosts, the South End Community Center. More are in the planning stage. "We are organizing a community open house for all our friends and colleagues on Wednesday, October 13, from 4 to 6 PM. Please come and join us for refreshments and conversation at 29 Howard Street, Springfield," said Springfield programs director juan Carlos Arean . For more information, call (413) 734-3438.

University of Massachusetts researcher and father Greg Kline is spearheading local efforts to engage fathers and father figures in paying close attention to areas in their daughters' lives that men may be overlooking. "We are probably all familiar with the debate over how media images influence children," Kline says. "So how would fathers respond to billboards and bus-stop ads that show a disturbingly thin woman wearing only a flimsy bra?"

continued on page 15

Dads and Daughters A new project aimed at educating men in general , and fathers in particul~r. in an area of their daughters' lives often not well understood, has been initiated by the founder of a magazine for adolescent girls. 路 Dads and Daughters (DADS) is focusing on the impact of body image on selfesteem, and on physical and mental wellbeing. DADS is the brainchild of New Moon magazine founder joe Kelley, who left the magazine to start the new organization.

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By Michael Dover

Men & Aging

Turning 55: It's More Than the Cruising Lane 'm writing this a few days before my 55 birthday and, being part of a decimal culture, I find myself contemplating the meaning of reaching the midpoint of my sixth decade. Until recently, the number 55 made me think of the speed limit, not an age--certainly not my age.

But here it is. I'm now eligible for a senior citizen's discount at the local movie theater, and I arranged an early retirement a few years ago, but what else, if anything, does it mean for me?

What do I notice about myself at 55 thats different Michael Dover from, say, 45 or 35?

Body scan first: all limbs, senses , vital organs intact. No major illnesses or injuries constrain me-yet. Still overweight (a struggle since before I was in my teens). Bifocals support my vision, medication keeps my cholesterol down. I bike an average of 60-plus miles per week (something I only started in my late 40s), and do my fair share of cross-country skiing, hiking, and kayaking. Not too bad for a geezer-in-training.

Where I notice a shift is in my view of time. Whatever illusion I might have held of the future as unlimited is gone. I look back to my past accomplishments and failures and know I won't be able to improve on or correct them-whats done is done, for good or ill. What probably lies ahead is gradually increasing limitation, though I don't know how much or how soon; the alternative, of course, is death without prior decline. I could be gone tomorrow, or be here another 40 years, and I have no way of knowing how long or how rough the road will be. I don't entirely know why, but I face this uncertainty with a degree of equanimity.

If I dread anything, its the prospect of dependence, especially due to diminished mental capacity.

I realize as I write this that I am a very fortunate man. I have seen people my age struggle with serious illness, unrelenting

I

8

" }\\ J&ZttJMil}@j pain, depression, and disability. My 路 ' reasonably good health is in part the luck of the draw, a gift that calls for gratitude rather than self-congratulation.

As we have been paying more attention here at the MRC to the issue of racism in its many manifestations, I have come to recognize that my health also reflects the fact that I am a product of white male privirlege in late 20'h-century America. The

simple fact that I have survived to the age of 55 sets me apart from much of the world's population, whose average life expectancy is considerably less. That I do not suffer from high blood pressure distinguishes me from the average AfricanAmerican man. That I was not afflicted at an earlier age by drugs, alcohol, violence, grinding physical labor, or an accident on the job makes me different from most low-income males.

Is this privilege? Unsought as it may be, I have to say it is. To begin with, I have never been without health insurance, nor have I ever been unable to gain access to any health care I've needed. I've never known hunger or malnutrition, never lived in a community where violence was a daily fact of life, never had to endure

continued on page 20

Voice Male

Men Aging--------------------&

By Carl Erikson

On Growing Younger ixty seemed very old when I was 30. It even seemed old when I was 50. Now, at 59, it doesn't seem old at all. Now, maybe, 90 is old.

Maybe. "Old" is such an odd word.

Sometimes 1 use "old," disrnissively, to mean falling apart, no longer useful, no longer usable , or no longer important. At other times I use it, respectfully, even honorably, to mean still valued or trusted after a long time, or possessed of deep wisdom from experience.

What 1 prize at this time in my life is a shift in mental perspective. A lot of stuff that used to bother me I no longer worry about: social status, financial status, who says what to whom, what the TV says, what magazines say, what advertising says, what they say-"accepted" standards, proprieties, other people's judgments of my clothes or my car, etc., etc. I've struggled through those miles of brambles, swamps, and mosquitoes and found a garden of pure delight. I feel like I've finally washed years of crud off a vase and am enjoying the explosion of sunlight playing in its crystal.

I've reached myself. I've freed myself from the crust of conventions, restrictions, family "rules" and expectations, professional myopia , and the impositions of others. What a neat discovery I am.

All the little hints and outbursts that glimmered through that crust for 59 years came from this I, and 1 can now really see and be the whole of that I. This is wonderful, and often wonder full, even though it makes youth look like a long exercise in the irrelevant and futile.

Youth isn't that, of course-entirely.

Without experience, what would I know of myself, or people, or anything?

Looking back, I see that the time of youth is like the media-all information and no :knowledge. Passing time and more experience gave me a chance to transform路 this information into knowledge-most important, knowing what's me and what are the expectations and demands they put on me. This knowledge gives me the power to choose who I will be. Choosing-this is the best gift of my age. Unfortunately, some people stay young forever, never gaining knowledge and never choosing; they just endlessly scramble to live the information

S

Voice Male

pounding at them.

My garden of pure delight is, of course, not pure delight; that:S just author hyperbole. Let's say it:S my garden of big delight. I feel that I am molding, nurturing, and expressing real stuff here , feeling as the gardeners do when they push their fingers through good soil.

That's the kind of feeling 1 have as I push around in who I am, discover and feel free to express who I am. It feels so good, so clean, so sparkling, so simple, so sure. If I continue to refine out the dross of living at the rate I've done in the last 10 years, I will be solid crystal by the time I'm 90 and be nothing but me.

Yeah, I still work. I still worry about health insurance and whether the dog has fleas.

I still have to negotiate traffic and figure out which brand of toilet paper to buy. I still get to cope with car repairs , bureaucrats, and cranky phone calls.

But this stuff is all trivia now, and I give it the time and energy that trivia requires-and no Carl Erikson more. The rest of my time and energy is mine, to use for myself. I get great pleasure just knowing that I have this time and energy. The last time 1 felt this way was when I was a boy waking on sunny mornings in July-all those hours to fill with what interested me, amused me, mystified me.

No , I don't have as many hours a day to pl<!Y as I did as a 10-year-old on summer vacation. The sense of freedom is the same, though, and the pleasurable excitement is the same. "Play"-now there's a demeaning word from the adult world. Play to a child isn't killing time or the babbling of a naive brain-it's living itself, it's wading up to the eyebrows in whatever life offers in that second. We adults need to play, too. We need to splash and giggle, sing and be inspired in life's abundant and amazing expressions.

What:S work is living by the rules, expectations, conventions, and demands of Them, those people and their responsibilities which stifle play and tum the exuberance of choice into fear and regi-

mentation. I know路 now, at 59, what's play and what:S work, and that play is what life is about, and that work gets me very little that:S important. I choose play as much as I can now and look for it everywhere. This makes every day worth the effort.

"Come down to earth," they say to me. They are the same voices that were

pho<o by }ody Eriksen

responsible for so many of the struggles and confusions and frustrations of my youth, and young manhood, and fatherhood, and homeownerhood, and jobhood, and keepingupwiththejoneseshood. At last these are old (falling apart, no longer useful) demands that no longer interfere very much with my playing with life or enjoying my garden of big delight-the person 1 am. This playing and this garden of delight will almost certainly lead me to grow happily old (still valuable and trusted , possessed of great experiential wisdom). How can I be decrepit and unhappy when life and I are always gamboling along like a summer morning?

Carl Erikson is the MRC's business manager and coordinator of the Workshops and Training program. When not frolicking about the office, Carl spends some of his time as a fabric artist.

9

Men & Health

By Joe Zoske

Healthy Aging

What's the 路Secret?

W

e all carry a sense of what '路 we hope our mature years will look like. These images usually focus upon quantity (how long we'll live) and quality (how well we'll live). The good news is that the possibilities for living longer and healthier are better for more of us men than ever before. But our personal definitions of "aging" and "success" are key factors , often shaped 'by our role models of elder male health. and the goals we pursue.

Some men don't expect much, while others hold high aspirations. Some men will be isolated, dependent, and chronically ill. while others will stand out as shining examples of octo- and even nonogenarian well-being. Many younger men don't even entertain the possibility that they will get beyond, or even into, middle age. Yet, living into our 70s, 80s, and 90s, with its challenges and opportunities, will be a reality for many of us.

Is being retired and living the conventional so-called "good life" your dreamplaying golf in Florida. taking cruises around the world, Elderhosteling, or becoming an RVer and leaving behind . the responsibilities of house and yard, job and community? Are you anticipating simplifymg your life? Do you imagine bouncing your great-grandchildren on your knee? Or do you worry you'll never stop struggling to pay your bills, enjoy the simple pleasures of life, or be able to afford adequate health insurance?

Will you be saddled with the responsibilities of multiple generations of family dependents? Or will you basically continue doing what you do now, in terms of work, activities. and community interests? Do you hope for lots of quiet time with yourself, hobbies , family, and home? Can you enviswn numerous transformations both within yourself and in what you do? Or do sickness, pain, and infirmity loom as realistic probabilities?

Since our culture encourages us to reject or distort images of aging, posing such questions to ourselves is important.

10

They help us sift through the conditioning of our society's love affair with youth.

For men. they also .encourage us to examine the elder male living experiences of those closest to us. Who are y~ur role models of positive healthy older manhood?

My father, for instance, was a strongwilled, strong-bodied, working-class man. He was a classic childhood physical hero to me: a high school champion swimmer, and a survivor of 46 bombing missions over Europe in World War II (when the average flyer never made it beyond 24). A man who worked with his hands, and spoke little about himself.

With his physicality and his unsophisticated, and often awkward, ways he made a decent life for himself a~d his family.

Never expecting to live much past 60, he surprised even himself when he reached 78, having spent not a single day in the hospital.

Now, a year later, he faces the unanticipated challenges brought on by cancer, surgery, and partial dependence upon a feeding tube. These days he looks into the mirror in disbelief, and barely recognizes the smaller, weaker body staring back. But I still see his strength of will, which seems to announce that he ha? no intention of not living well into his 80s! He shows me an aging possibility-one that balances suffering and dignity, one that holds a source of satisfaction in each day, one that reminds' me of the importance of intention.

Every older man has his own story that can teach the rest of us. Generally, what men reap in their later years was sowed much earlier. This is where we have the real control and power over our aging process.

As a consultant to an all-male elder life care community for the past five years, I have had a close-up view into a fascinating variety of aging masculinities, what theorists now call "de-velopmental masculinity." While these guys are just a small, unrepresentative sampling of men, they do demonstrate the resilience, integrity, and quality that is possible in later life, as well as the devastating physi-

cal and mental effects that can occur from a lifetime of wrong choices.

Those of us in midlife or younger are luckier. We now have considerable information upon which to base our actions.

Researchers have confirmed that tending the seeds of optimism, humor, spiritual centeredness, purpose, and moderation, while avoiding obvious hazards and lifestyle extremes, increases the odds many-fold for healthy aging. The payoff is vitality along with longevity. In fact, thousands of men have now been studied for decades, and the results are in. The top six hazards for men who want to achieve good health at an older age are tobacco use, excessive alcohol consumption, lack of social connectedness, depression, lack of exercise, and poverty.

That means what we do in our middle years, in particular, has a large bearing on what we'll experience as older men. So start now: Kick the smoking or chewing habit; keep a tight limit on alcohol; make friends--break down your social isolation; never stop learning; eat the way you know you should; find some moderately physical activity that you enjoy and do it regularly; get professional help for your temper and depression; give and receive love; save some money; and don't forget to relax and laugh.

The more we live consistent with healthy aging as a goal, the better we will do. We can also reach beyond ourselves and help other men overcome what detrimental factors they can. This helps ensure that more of us will be around as the elder mentors, role models , and inspiration to younger men and children-shifting an attitude of age-ing into one of sage-ing.

However old you are now, the journey of aging has already begun. How do you assess your chances for success? joe Zaske writes the Voice Male column on mens health.

Voice Male

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11

By Peter Coyote

Fathering

Making Peace with My Father 路

'' 0

h , Peter," my friend julie said casually, as if she'd just remembered something.

"Morns died."

I looked at her blankly I felt nothing.

My father? Such a thing was beyond comprehension. How could a man of such vitality and power pass through the veil without creating some celestial disturba~ce, some ripple? She must be mistaken. There would have to be a rent in the sky, a rush of wind-at least a tattered sheet flapping beside the road as a sign I might later recall and think, "Ah that was it"

I turned away and lit a cigarette. I saw her telling others. Berg came over and threw his arms around me. I felt nothing.

I was in a motorcycle shop in a strange city, and a beautiful woman, a lover and friend , had just informed me that my father had died-and I felt nothing.

I found a phone and called my mother. .. . Yes, she was all right. Yes, relatives were with her. ... I was spinning iii. place.

I had no father. The ground had eaten him. I was 50 percent closer than a moment ago to being an orphan.

I hung up the phone and breathed in and out. For a long time afterward , my life felt as it did in that moment: detached and out of touch, just breathing in and breathing out. Perhaps it was the cocktail of drugs .! was always imbibing, perhaps the defenses I'd erected as a boy, or the impossibility of feeling loved by hiin. Some chamber where clearly expressed feelings might live and flourish within me had 12

been sealed tight as a bank vault. The combination to open the locks and spring those heavy doors was not to be comm~ded by anything as commonplace as a death.

It has been my experience as an act<1r that the more particularly and specifically a personal experience is relived, the more universally it may be appreciated. Individual events are hardly personal property; they participate in something larger and more profound that people share, understand, and can empathize with. Consequently, my behavior, while apparently bizarre, has antecedents and root causes that may be quite ordinary and not at all surprising to others. Recurrent memories from childhood intrude into the present, overwhelming it-

I am sitting at a desk puzzling over a series of incomprehensible high school math problems. A large, dangerous man, my father; is screaming, "You stupid, dumb son of a bitch!" at me. Arid then, again, I am being twisted, pummeled, bent, suffocated, and choked under the guise of instruction in selfdefense.

Even though my body, as I experience these memories, is the storehouse of all that charged information, I cannot describe what the incidents felt like. I can describe the chalky green blotter on my desk, and its patterns of pressed concentric squares where I directed my attention during these homework diatribes. I can describe the gossamer curtains and cherry spool bed, the patterns and textures of my father~ clothing. I can recQll the melange of scents in the purple and beige patterned carpet my fact! was ground into when "wrestling." But I cannot remember feeling anything other than numb--and perhaps an itch of anger; banked like hot coals deep in my muscles.

"The nightly drama of homework, for instance, is indelibly imprinted but stripped of emotional content. It was as predictable as a dance. "Lets see what you're doing here,"

Morris would mutter casually, walking into my room to check my progress. He would talk his way aloud through the problem I was daydreaming over: Since his calculations were impossibly fast, I was an audience, reduced to muttering "uh-huh" and nodding like a drinky-bird bowing over a cup of water.

Inevitably he'd make a路mistake, correct himself, then challenge me, "Why didn't you see that? Are you paying attention, or what?"

Next, he'd offer some variant of "Okay, I've shown you one, you do the next." I had no idea how to begin, or why if bus A headed north at fifty-two miles an hour and bus B headed south at forty-seven miles an hour; anyone cared when they would meet.

IneVitably, Morris would become impatient with my Jumbling-and then abusive. His fervent unanswerable questions-"How can you be so fucking stupid? How can anyone be so fucking stupid?" - paralyzed me, and my inqbility to respond in tum stimulated his fear that I might actually be stupid. Panic provoked threats to "snap your fucking thumbs" or "break your knees" or; most chilling of all, send me to reform school.

His yelling invariably attracted my mother; who entered the fray on my behalf, moved by maternal pity and also convinced by reading Freud that childhood traumas produce lasting emotional damage (and sometimes alcohol and drug abuse!). As she got older she was less intimidated by Morris and found the .courage to intervene, however ineffectively.

Grateful as I might have been for her intervention, there were now two of them, bookending me and screaming at one another like harpies.

"Morrie, you're making him crazy!"

"Shut up, Ruthie, you're using up the oxygen in the room."

My role was reduced to sitting there, looking out the windows, studying the other homes lining our street, wondering if each had a similar quotient of domestic horrors--or was mine unique?

As I matured, I discovered that my childhood experiences were not all that different from many others, and far milder and less damaging than many I offer no excuses for my personal faults and short. comings, nor do I blame my parents, who did their best with what they had inherited from their own parents. During the time these stories took place, I was older Voice Male

than my mother had been when she bore me, and consequently fully responsible.

Fairness, however, demands that I point out that millions of young people did not accidentally or spontaneously express a decade of rage and disappointment like gas after a bad meal. My generation's disilluswn over social injusuce and its fervent desrre to make the world a more compassionate place must have had some antecedents. It does not seem fooP.sh to search for that evidence inside the nations homes, where the young were bent, stretched, folded , stapled. and stressed by the social and political costs of the Cold War and the seductive, ridiculously inflated promises of Midas-like wealth. One way or another, such forces took their toll, and my household was no exception.

My father, for all his excesses apd fulminations, was a decent, honest man. But after a lifetime of habitually closing myself down for fear of arousing his ire or violence, its not surprising to me that his death did not immediately release a flood of feelings. They appeared about eight years later, the first time I could bring myself to visit his grave, after I was forced to acknowledge that I had failed to save his beloved Turkey Ridge Farm from the debt to which he'd mortgaged and remangaged it and failed, too , in my attempts to rebury him there, at his favorite place on earth.

One day in 1978, I drove to the cemetery in New Jersey where he was buried in a subsection of his brother-in-laws plot.

What an affront his fierce autonomy and pride would have experienced had he, the family patriarch, known that his presence was indicated by a shoe-box-sized granite plate in the lawn, shadowed by his brother-in-laws far grander standing tombstone.

Death does play tricks like that on selfimportance.

When I finally located the site, I was stunned to find his grave bare-nothing on its surface but lumpy din. When I mquired, I was told that it had sunk several days before and the groundskeepers had stripped the sod and refilled it to ground level. The engraved letters on his stoneMORRISCOHON 1904-1971 -and the title of his favorite poem by Dylan Thomas-

- were clotted and obscured with dried clay from the groundsmen's boots.

I dropped to my knees·and began prying the din out of the letters with a twig.

It was not until drops were muddying the granite beneath me that I realized I was crying and speaking aloud. I had not recognized my own voice: a high, keening, tiny sound, strangled in my throat. It was the voice of a frightened, disappointed child, nakedly entreating his father for affection and respect. I was telling him · how much I loved and admired him and

how much I needed him to love me the way I was, even though I might not be as smart as he was and didn't enjoy hurting people. I cried and talked and chipped at the clay for over an hour. I didn't think a body could warehouse such an inventory of tears.

Vivid memories flooded me.

Occasionally at Turkey Ridge, when the

sky was lowering gray as the afternoon rains of summer swept in, my father would summon me to one of our barns to nap with him. It was usually the bull bam that he had designed and built of pungent rough-milled beams sawn from our own native black and white oaks and covered with aluminum sheeting. We would climb into the haymow together, and he would wrap the two of us deliciously close in an old horse blanket. He would drink pear brandy, and I would rest against him, overjoyed to be tucked against his massive body, protected rather than assailed by the crook of his arm. He would sleep that way while I tried to stay awake, relishing the pattering of the rain on the metal roof. In those rare moments, I felt content and proud, the way I imagined other boys felt when I watched them playing with their fathers . My world was loving and, better still, safe. · The fact that so much of my childhood was wasted trying to make him notice me does not blind me to the fact that in his own way he treasured and appreciated me more than I realized at the time. Now, beside his grave, I could acknowledge that his spot in the universe was empty, and I was engulfed with a profound sense of loss and frailty, as if I were a helpless witness to the sight of a loved one slipping irretrievably into quicksand. The cause of both my joys and terrors was gone, sucked away with the pitiless neutrality of a Kansas tornado chewing through a trailer park.

Excerpted with permission from the book sleeping where I fall: a chronicle. Copyright © 1999 by Peter Coyote. Reprinted by

permission of Counterpoint Press. All rights reserved. (800) 386-5656; Email: westview. orders@perseusbooks. com

Anger Problem? Discover Fair Fighting Intimacy Problem? Discover Merging

Richard H. Martin, D.Min. Psycho~herapist, Couple & Family Therapist Editor: A Manual for Support Group Facilitators (MRC) Co-Director of A Center for Transforming Relationships Free initial consultation • Sliding Scale available

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Voice Male

13

By Mark Ribble ·

Gender Education

Gender and Sexuality

Listening for (a) Change magine crouching ~m a busy city street comer. your hands wrapped protectively around your knees. You . are wearing a pair of headphones, but you don't remember putting them on.

Inside your head you hear a loud, fast, and nearly incomprehensible slew of voices whose volume and intensity rise and tall m no recogniZable pattern. If you squeeze your eyes shut in concentration you can make out some of the voices: an instruction here. an admonishment there, somet~mes deep sighs that don't correspond to any particular emotion, often the sketches of an interesting idea thrown into the mix. . . . However, you can't fully pay attention to the headphones, because every time you concentrate on the voices, you are jarred by an incessant stream of nmse from the outside world: traffic, pedestrians, people yelling at you to get out of the way. people bumping into you, tounsts asking you for directions, vendors demanding you buy their wares. Taking m these s1ghts and sounds is an ~ust­ mg task, and you are forced to respond to them without fully comprehending what or why they are.

The scene described above is admittedly dramatic, yet a not-so-exaggerated p1cture o.f how some young people expenence the world. As a .19-year-old male, I know. I remember it well and haven't yet escaped from it.

The tasks of youth are many and formldable. Not only do we young people have to navigate and comprehend the profound changes occurring within our bodies, emotions, and intellects, but we also have to find some way of fitting ourselves into a larger world. We have to mvent some mode of thinking that makes sense of our internal ferment as well as the external maelstrom that is evident at every tum.

Some of the most intense and confusmg messages we get on this street corner are messages about gender and sexuality.

We learn certain things about what it means to be a woman and what it means to be a man. We are given explicit and subtle messages about how and with

I

14

whom we should relate as mentors, confidants, friends, and lovers.

We learn that men are tough, unfeeling, in control; that women are passive and nurturing. But further messages contradict this first wave: "It's the '90s, women s~ould be strong and men should be sensitive!" Wait, I thought men were the strong ones! So, I'm strong most of the time and sensitive in special situations? ... or I'm sensitive most of the time but strong when necessary? I'm sweet to my girlfriend, but also in control? Am I less of a man if I take the time to listen to women ... or more of one?

Why do I have to try so hard to belong to this club of men? Do women try as hard as we do? What if I have or want a boyfriend . . . am I really as disgusting as they say? Is it OK to come ,down on gays and lesbians? Someone told me I should .. . someone else told me I shouldn't. I think my friend might be gay, but what does that mean? What about my friend who yells at his partner . . . or the one who hits his partner? That's OK, right?

Sometimes? And, shit, why do I seem to both love and hate women, and to desire and distrust men??? .

The irony of the. situation is that altho'Ugh our culture bombards young people with these messages as if they were bottomless cesspools of cultural refuse, we offer little or no chance for open and honest exploration of what these messages mean. Schoohs the most structured part of most young peoples lives-the part where ideas are systematically communicated and where young people get a sense of what$ important to the adult world (and what$ not).

Ultimately, school feeds us with ideas about what things we need to understand in order to become smoothly functioning adults-their ideas.

Ever wonder why so inany young people hate school? Picture our protagonist from the street corner rising from the crouching position, only to be herded into a dimly lit room with 30 other young people. A tall man in a suit looms ominously over the young people as they

attempt to get comfortable in undersized wooden desks. Then the man turns on the overhead projector and begins lecturing them about ho\Y a2 + b 2 = c2• "But please remember," he admonishes, ''(a+b) 2 = c2 is not true!"

If the adult world hasn't made the connection yet, let me share it with you:

Public school feels entirely irrelevant to our lives. · If gender and sexuality are important parts of the adolescent experience, lets bring them into the classroom, let's get personal about what$ on our minds. Let's harness our emotions about gender and sexuality into open dialo,gue so that we may all learn from one another, rather than hold this part of our lives at arm's length.

But beware of the old tricks: one more video in health class or workshee~ in Phys Ed simply won't do! Gender and sexuality are not objects to be studied; they are vital parts of young peoples subjective experience. It takes honest and caring teachers to create dialogue that includes all kinds of experience, including the teachers' experiences.

Young people are not too immature to . handle this type of dialogue. I've seen them do it time and time again in work-. __ shops that focus on precisely these topics.

It is vital that we shed our outdated ideas about the necessary·rift between emotion and education and our notion of teachers as distanced experts. For the sake of the present, and for the sanity and safety of the future, it is imperative that "kids" be involved in critical thinking about gender, · about how our cultural past contributes to violence in our homes , streets, and schools. Young people must be viewed as intelligent agents in discussions about dating, about what it means to develop equitable relationships, about why and · how abuse happens. Young people need to be empowered to critically engage the world of mass media that unceasingly bombards us with messages, many of which perpetuate oppressive attitudes and sexist behaviors. And we all need to

continued on page

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Voice Male

continued from page 7

Dads and Daughters

â&#x20AC;˘ Do You Want Generation Boys?

If you answered yes to these questions then you are a natural to become a member of the Men's Resource Center.

For $25 a year ($40 for families; $18 for students and those on limited incomes) you can become part of a dynamic organization that has as its credo--Supporting MenChallenging Violence .

YES! 0 I want to become a member of the Men's Resource Center.

The ads message reads, "Inner beauty only goes so far." The ad is not hypothetical; it is part of a national ad campaign by Maidenform Bras. "If you look through the magazines that your daughter reads or observe the billboards, you'll soon see that Maidenform isn't the only company telling your daughter that her body doesn't measure up," Kline says. "The male-dominated advertising industry behind the Maidenform ads (and others like it in the dozens of teen and women's magazines) spend enormous effort and billions of dollars trying to make your daughter feel inadequate and 'not good enough' in order to sell their products. They promote an unrealistic and harmful image of what it means to be a female in today's culture," according to Kline.

Why does all this matter, Kline asks? "It matters because a third of nine-year-old girls in the U.S. already worry about being too fat. By junior high, it's more than half.

Girls fear being fat more than they fear nuclear war or losing a parent. Girls begin dieting as young as eight years old. All this at an age when girls should be growingin fact they need to put on body fat to develop normally into women. In that context, dieting is absurd and dangerous. It is the prelude to the spread of disordered eating among girls and young women."

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What can dads and other concerned men do? Instead of feeling incapable of addressing the issue, or too preoccupied with life's other responsibilities, and/or overwhelmed by the power of this cultural tide, Kline and Kelley recommend becoming involved in DADS. "Instead of silence," says Kline, "when you see a sexualized ad-selling cars, cigarettes, bras, watchesimagine that its your daughter who is being portrayed (because thats exactly what the advertiser is trying to get her to imagine).Then, act accordingly: protest such ad campaigns by writing, calling, lobbying and boycotting. Thats influence.

Imagine the collective strength fathers .could have on how the media treats their daughters if they worked together to stop the sabotage of young girls as a way to make money. The beauty of our daughters' inner talents, values and dreams will last much longer-and take them much farther in life-than any diet or bra ever can."

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www.kidsportshadley.com 15

Men's L i v e s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - By George Moonlight Davis

My Saturday Adventure

ost Saturday mornings in my early teens I spent in front of the TV watching cartoons. This was one of my favorite pastimes. I would get a bowl of cereal and sit there from eight in the morning until noon JUSt enjo}'l.ng my cartoons. And then, if there was a good one, I would watch the 12 o'clock movie (providing I had gotten my housework done the night before). Sometimes my Aunt Virgie would give my cousin and me some money to go to the movies, especially if she was having company over. Usually a western or an adventure would do just fine for me.

My Saturday was almost always a movie day Sometimes in the afternoon while sitting outside on my steps I woulq see boys my age or younger coming down my street on ponies, western style. They rode pintos, stallions, brown or gold ponies with long manes, full of sprrit and bounce. Some of them would even race down the street, fast.

They looked so cool riding down the street in packs of 10, like a parade. To see them prancing down the street gave my heart the willies. All the children on the block would follow them asking for rides. You could always count on them being in local parades, or selling rides on holidays in the summer. They would sell rides to the little children for 50 cents and the bigger kids for a dollar. This is something I will do someday, I would promise myself, when I get some money july was about the hottest month of the year in Philadelphia The sun would rise slowly in the sky, heating all exposed surfaces until it seemed like you could cook an egg anywhere. The playground pools were full of kids trying to keep cool in the heat.

But on this Saturday morning in july, neither the heat nor my cartoons, nor anything

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else could keep me from doing what had to be done. I was going to ride a horse all day-today I had worked all week as a helper on a milk truck and earned $20, which was a lot of money to have in the early '60s. I could think of no better way to spend it that day.

I got up early and snuck out of the house before anyone knew I was hoping my mom and aunt would think that I went working on the milk truck again. My heart was racing with excitement as I walked down Cambridge Street. It didn't matter that I would get in big trouble when I got home for going out all day and not telling my mom where I was going. I had a $20 bill and change in my pocket, and I was going riding today Maybe I could even make some money if I gave kids rides on my pony.

I caught the Ridge Street bus and rode up to 26th. It was still a littie early and I didn't think One Arm Jimmy's George Moonlight Davis stables would be open yet. So I walked over to a local candy store and got a soda and a Tastycake.

This was going to be a great day, I could see it already Me, riding down the streets of North Philly on the back of a pretty pony, and everybody was going to wish they could be me. I had wished for this a long time, an:d now it was coming true.

Tastycake and soda in hand, I could not wait any longer to get to the stables. As I walked those two blocks I noticed how quiet and peaceful and clean the streets were. But as I approached the stables, I could smell the horse manure, and I knew One Arm jimmy's place was near.

Because of the many gangs all over Philly, normally I would never have come to this neighborhood alone. But it was early in the morning and I felt.safe enough . I came up on the stable in the middle of"a residential community at 28th and York streets, carved out of two houses with a barnyard in the back. The smell at this point was enough to wake the dead, and I wondered how anyone could live so close to this place.

It looked just like the horse stables in the movies--except those you couldn't smell.

There was straw on the floor and six or seven stalls on each side, with an opening at

the other end that led you to the barnyard.

Bridles and harnesses hung from the outer walls of the stalls, which looked very used and chewed on by the ponies.

I could hear the hooves of the ponies in the stalls, but could not see them because the stalls themselves were dark. "Hello, anybody here?'' I called out. From the barnyard I heard a voice say, "Yeah, what do you want?" Still not seeing anyone, I asked, "Are you renting ponies today?" A man with one arm appeared in the doorway at the other end of the structure with a young teenager close behind him. "Yeah, but you need money to rent one of these poniesyou got any?" One Arm Jimmy was a short stocky dark brown skinned man with strong body features and a strong hand. He looked like he'd stepped out of a western movie. He wore a cowboy hat, roughlooking boots, and pants that could not only stand up on their own but walk, too, if they had wanted to. He had a powerful horse odor, stronger even than the smell of the stables. As he looked me up and dowri he said, "Too early to rent a pony for an hour." 路"But I want to rent it for the day," I told him. He studied me again for a minute and then asked if I had that kind of money "How much?" I asked with an air of feeling a little rich. "It will cost you 15 dollars, and you must be back here by six o'clock or it will cost you double," he replied. "By the way," he said, "can you ride?" I told him that I had been riding since I was a little boy back on the farm.

He smiled and shook his head, turned to the boy who was standing behind him all this time and said, "Saddle up Thunder for him, and put that special bit in his mouth."

Now, you should know that I had lied about the "farm" and having ridden before; I had only ridden a few times, and only with someone else holding the reins. For me, his question meant one thing: if I hadn't ridden before, I could not rent a horse for the day After waiting this long (two or three summers) I would have said almost anything to .get my way.

Thunder was a palomino with a golden brown coat and a cream-colored mane and taiL He was beautiful, and he .stepped very Voice Male

lively; I couldn't wait to mount him. I remembered seemg him before, maybe on my block or in a parade somewhere. I watched as the young boy, who looked like he knew what he was doing, saddled Thunder. He led Thunder out of his stall with a lead line, put the special bit in his mouth, then put a blanket on him , next the saddle, and then tightened the saddle around the belly. I noticed how he was handling this spirited pony. His relationship with Thunder seemed to say, I'm the boss, you will do as I tell you to do. I repeated in my mind , I'm the boss, he's the

horse.

As we walked out into street with Thunder clopping behind, the boy asked me where I was from. Me, being so excited and not thinking, I said , ''I'm from Ridge and Girard." He handed me the reins and stepped back. I put my right foot in the stirrup, and swung myself up on Thunder's back. As !·did this Thunder reared back a step or two and the boy moved well out of the way. I said in some tone I had learned from watching westerns, "Calm down, Thunder." This must have impressed the boy because he smiled and said, "Thunder is a good horse, just keep him in control."

I wore jeans and a long-sleeve shirt, and

had a jacket as well. I only had sneakers to wear but other than that I looked like a cowboy-to me anyhow: We left the stables heading north towards the park. York Street, from 1st Street all the way uptown, was a one-way, one-lane street for cars going north, with room to park cars on both sides of the street. The city was waking up, but on small streets like this one there was still no traffic. It looked like a piece of cake all the way there. Fairmont Park was about six blocks away and it was there I wanted to show Thunder off first.

I could feel this horses power under me.

He was very strong, and ready to run. I remembered seeing the boys race down Cambridge Street, and how cool that was. wasn't ready to try it yet, but I was anticipating that ride as soon as we got to the park. I would let him run until he'd had enough of running. I would also learn more about riding like they do in the movies .

As we approached 28th and York streets, the light turned yellow, so I gave Thunder a little heel under his belly to speed him up.

He jumped ·as if I had frightened him, and dashed across the intersection. I thought to myself, This feels good but I'm not ready to charge down the street yet, so I pulled up

on .the reins after we had crossed the street, but nothing happened. As I pulled up a second time and said "Whoa horse," Thunder began to pick up speed. Halfway through the block I saw the light at 29th Street-a major street with two-way traffic, very busy-tum yellow and I knew we could not make the light.

By now I was getting a little worried that this horse was not going to stop at the corner, and that meant good-bye for the horse and me. It was at this point I saw the bus at the comer pulling out into the street. But this didn't matter to Thunder-he was on his own mission now: And we were going too fast for me to jump off, although I gave this idea much attention. As we crossed 29th with a red light in my face, the bus pulling out and traffic coming from the other direction as well, God must have taken over, because the bus stopped just in time to let us pass, and I could hear the horns of unhappy drivers sharing their dislike for me.

Living in Philadelphia all my 15 years gave me the ability to think on my feet , and I was generally good at it. But at this moment nothing was coming to me, and in . fact I wasn't on my feet-it would have felt

continued on page 21

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Voice Male

17

By Steven jacobsen

Notes from Survivors

Seeing a Doctor I have seen the future , brother it is murder. ... but love's the only engine of survival -Leonard Cohen, "The Future" ike every person I've ever met who happens to have Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), I too have significant medical problems.

Multiples generally have serious physical issues because, typically, our histories are characterized by lengthy periods of severe abuse, sometimes spanning 路 decades. Because we learn to become "different people" in order to keep ourselves safe, we have little or no opportunity to attend to any of our injuries when it would be appropriate and needed. Because we are wizards at finding our odd ways of bearing the unbearable, we have no chance of real healing until we can reach a. place of great .challengestanding face to face with ourselves, our perpetrators, and the pain and torture to which we were subjected as children.

It was a wondrous day when I first felt reconnected to my body-and that was less than a year ago. Imagine not being able to feel your body for 45-plus years, and then suddenly your toes tickle, your face feels a breeze catching your skin, your tummy grumbles and you laugh, thinking something deep like "Gosh, I must be hungry! " All of these sensations (and many more, of course) may seem mundane and trivial to you. But they're not; they are indeed the most profound blessings to be associated with being alive, and being human. And being a man, even a multiple man.

When I began to be able to feel my body again, it was both disorienting and delicious. It was such a novel experience that I felt like I was high-everything delighted me, whether a leaf in the gutter or the sparkle from a gem in a storefront jewelry store. I was finally able to feel all the world, touching me.

And then I touched myself and it hurt. Having worked in therapy for so many years, it shocked me that after having healed what I attended to on mental and emotional levels, there remained so much more to do and see. My body hurt. It ached, it screamed, it bled. It hurt on the outside and it hurt on the inside. And after my brief honeymoon

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with my body-after the magical walks down the streets, being intoxicated with the simple beauty of the wind blowing my hair into my face-my body gave me a very clear order: see a doctor.

The truth is, I see doctors perhaps once every lO years, because doctors scare the shit outta me. Simply put, I do not see doctors. I do not see doctors because I cannot stand the idea of somebody messing with my body. I also don't see doctors because, in my experience, they know absolutely nothing about people like me, and do not care to learn.

But now, with the clear message my body was sending me, I obviously needed to .

I couldn't go to work. Hell, I couldn't even get out of bed. My body was convulsing and twitching. I couldn't keep any food down. I was sweating all the time." There were constant jabs and stabs all over my body. It felt as if my body were being raped again, 24 hours a day.

My rectum was bleeding. I would begin choking and then throw up, lO or 12 times a day. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't walk. I could barely talk. And I was smoking like a fiend and had started drinking again. What I mean by drinking is a fifth of gin a day-I had to kill the pain. The way I was interpreting that pain was that I had to kill me in order to get rid of it. And a 路good way to accomplish that was to go full-tilt into all of my old addictions, as fast as I could.

And I can move very, very fast .

But I did something else, too . I called one of my dearest friends , Bob Mazer. I asked him if he knew of a doctor who might be able to "deal" with me. I also asked Bob if he'd be willing to go with me. To my surprise, Bob said yes to both of my questions. And so I was able, with much help, support, and love from Bob, to do what was 路needed: I went to see Dr. Rochelle Weber.

Dr. Weber is a kind, knowledgeable, and wise person. Shes a perfect doctor for me, even though she knows little about MPD. (I'm trying to teach her, though.) She is someone I can feel comfortable with, even though she asks me to do things that are terrifying to me. For instance, she needed me to take some blood tests-a reasonable enough request, even if, like many people, I am

frightened by needles.

But not everyone has been tortured by needles. I was. And it began when I was three. Not everyone has seen people die by needles. I have. When I was 13. Not everyone has seen a doctor let someone die. I have. Not everyones been strapped into a chair, in jail, and had a nurse ram a syringe into your vein, laugh at you and say "Now I'm gonna kill you," just after the hoosegow doctor let another man die. I was strapped inside that chair.

So doing a blood test was a long way from being easy for me , but I managed to do it. I could not have done it without Bobs help, and I was barely able to do it with his help. Dr. Weber had arranged for the best phlebotomist, a woman named Cindy, to work with me. Dr. Weber also arranged for me to meet with Cindy in advance , so I'd have an opportunity to become familiar and comfortable with her. She also explained to Cindy that I am an incest survivor and a multiple, and that I might experience the common procedure she was going to do as a re-violation, another rape.

I did. I was switching personalities all over the place during the blood-drawing.

I was back strapped in the chair, I was back being three years old. I was sure I was also going to be raped. And murdered. I had insisted that the needle be inserted on top of my hand; a perfectly viable option for such a procedure, though not one often suggested. I could not stand to take the needle in my arm. I was so scared during the procedure, 路and switching between my alters so frequently, that my body was literally jumping up and down off the table. And Cindy kept talking to me the entire time , reassuring me, telling me it was okay. And she kept saying, over and over again , that I was doing a good job.

And I was able to keep my hand , the one with the needle in it, perfectly still. I was able to let her do her job-and I was able to take care of myself.

While the blood test was in progress, my friend Bob held my other hand , and read me a Dr. Seuss book-Oh, the Places You'll Go! He didn't laugh at me or ridicule me, just because I was so frightened, or weird , or crazy, even though I must have looked very crazy. He just Voice Male

kept reading the Dr. Seuss book, and then I remembered that no one had ever read me a story before. And, even then, I was so grateful that a nice person was finally reading a story to me, that for a moment I fell asleep and experienced peace. But only for a moment.

And then it was over. And Cindy and her assistant and Bob all clapped. They clapped for me, because they knew it took everything I had to be there. Bob told me later the nurses thought of me as a man with courage.

A Man . .. Courage. Huh? These are not words I know much about in any conventional way: But I'm thinking about those words, now. I'm gonna find out what they mean , too .

One thing Dr. Weber told me, after the results from the tests came back 路i n, is that my heart is damaged and diseased. I asked to what extent and what that might mean. She said, "With your blood pressure as high as it is, you could drop dead at_any time. And, if you don't pay serious attention to these issues, I can't see your heart lasting another lQ years."

So I'm now on medications appropriate to my condition. No doubt I would not need these medications if I hadn't been raped when I was a child.

The damage of abuse is unilateral and lasting. I now know that my heart has been damaged, both spiritually and physically: I will not live as long as I would have if I hadn't been incested.

Pain begets pain, and sometim!!S people react to pain by finding ways to ignore it-and ignorance of that sort only multiplies the injury. Sexual abuse of any form is simply a way of killing people.

And the most horrific part of sexual abuse is that it can transform the victim himself into the agent of his own murder.

D~m't kill people. Don't kill yourself.

Our hearts are treasures worth keeping, worth protecting, regardless of how long we may survive. We cannot be dedicated if we're dead.

Its a hard journey, but one full of beauty and magic. We all can share the richness of our hearts. freely, and without pain. We must keep our hearts into our own safe fold, if we are ever to be honored enough to give them away freely to another in, and with, love, safety. and respect.

Voice Male

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continued from page 8

Turning 55 substandard housing. When I do receive health care, I can feel reasonably confidenn hat my quesuons will be answered , that I Will be treated with respect, that all my options will be made clear to me, and that my deciSIOns and choices will be honored . When I deal with the health care system, I can approach 1t with a certain stance, a certain voice, conveying such confidence-saying in my demeanor and language that I have certain expectatiOns regarding my care. Of course, this doesn't guarantee a successful outcome, but I am allowed by my circurrJStances to expect one.

There are no guarantees in this world.

I have seen men, as privileged as I am, die from stroke, cancer, suicide, accidents, and other causes. I have seen others go 路 through years of treatment for all sorts of illnesses, of both the body and the spirit.

Privileged does not mean safe, or immune, or happy. It does mean having better chances, even when thats not enough .

My father died at the age of 81 from prostate cancer. For at least 15 years before that, he was walking around with major arterial blockage. So I take my antioxidants and my cholesterol medication, I exercise more often and more rigorously than he did, eat much less' red ' meat and more grains, and my life is gen- . erally less stressful than his was at this age. I tell myself I'm improvmg my odds, but he did live to 81, traveled all over the world. was a skier and scuba diver into ms 70s, and I believe died a pretty contented man. In the end , I'm not improving the odds, I'm just improving my life as it is now. And that's not bad. I'm fortunate, and I know it.

Come to think of it, bemg 55 is something of a mmicle. I give thanks.

Michael Dover is MRC Board Chair,

physiology study. I had to be revived twice because the doctors found that when my heart raced above 189 beats per second I would pass out. That was the end of my denial.

What have I learned from my ordeal?

I learned that as an athlete who has expanded his heart muscle over the years, I must always endeavor to keep myself in shape.

I learned that Jam fortunate: the doctors who treated me gave me access to the best medical options available. Nothing unusual in that, you say? It is if you're black. Research published just this year has shown that doctors are less likely to approve the same treatment options for

black men and women that white males receive. I consider myself lucky Finally, and most important, my brush with death has caused my appreciation of my wife and children to grow by leaps and bounds. It also led me to seek out and find a new, less stressful job closer to home. I'm much better informed about the state of my health, and I plan to do whatever I can to maintain it-to live a healthy life for a good many years yet.

Steve Jefferson is a MOVE group leader and on the faculty of the Sports Management program at the University of Massachusetts.

Take This Quiz: If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions , you may have a problem with abuse. At Men Overcoming Violence, we can help you evalu ate your situation. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff.

We can help .

continued f rom page 8

At the Heart of the Matter thought I was out of the woods--until my Mullins Center blackout. Even that wasn't 路 enough of a wakeup call at first; I thought 1t was just the result of stress and not eating. I passed a stress test with flying colors, but my doctor wanted me to take one last series of tests. At first I turned him down-just like Reggie Lewis, the Boston Celncs star who ended up collapsing and dymg on the basketball ~ourt.

Finally I relented, and took the electro-

20 I

Men Overcoming Violence

(413) 253-9588 Voice Male

ManKind Project New England presents

God, Se~ c- MONEY an experiential conference for men A PROFOUND -CULTURAL SHIFT IS HAPPENING

Men are redefining their lives, their purpose, their mission .

JOIN US! DATE: October 1-3, 1999 (Fri 7:00pm thru Sun 2:00pm) LOCATION: Sirius Community Conference Center in Shutesbury, MA CosT: $350 (payment plans available); if paid in full by 9/3/99 the cost is $300

To reserve your place, mail $100 deposit to ManKind Project New England, 21 Stearns Street, Cambridge, MA 02138 For more information contact Jedd Miller at 413-549-5585 or Stephen Stern at 508-376-0801 e-mail: ssternram@aol.com

My Saturday Adventure much better if I had been. A big bright red car started backing out into the street and was beginning to block our passage. Thunder shifted to the right at a full gallop heading for the sidewalk. Without any_time to think about it, we approached two men playing an earlymorning game of checkers on the sidewalk.

They were sitting at a table made out of milk crates and a cardboard tabletop, with two men watching the game on either side. As Thunder cleared their perch before they could move, and I held on for dear life in amazement, I heard one of the men say to me, "Un-ass him, boy!" I heard him say it a second time, but it meant no more to me than the first time he said it.

I could hear behind me a trail of noise, both human sounds and other sounds that I could not identify in all the excitement. But I knew that my ride with Thunder would not be over ~ntil he stopped, or I Jumped off. And with three blocks to go, how much luck and/or Gods help did I have left?

As I approached the intersection of 30th and York, I settled myself enough to steer Thunder back into the street. After riding the sidewalk for a block and a half, I was lucky not to have run -anyone over, or to have gotten thrown myself. It was at this point that I could hear more clearly some of the sounds that now seemed to be following us--like the sound of police cars. I had no idea what they wanted or who they were chasing, .as Thuqder and I still galloped down the street. I was

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continued from page 17 already drenched with perspiration, but now I could see that Thunder was also very wet, and breathing heavily. The four or five minutes that I had been riding so far gave me more excitement than I could ever have imagined. And the ride was not over.

When I crossed the intersection at 32nd Street I noticed the sirens getting louder. I looked back to see three police cars with lights 路 flashing and sirens blaring. Thunder had stretched for all he could go. He was flat out. I don't think the noise ever affected him. Still not knowing what was wrong with the horse, or how I lost control, or how I could get control qack, I let Thunder have his way. I could see the green grass and trees of my destination coming towards me. I had just one more major intersection to safely get through.

Thirty-third Street was two lanes in each direction with a third lane on each side for parked cars. York Street dead-ended at 33rd.

By now I had grown used to Thunder just bolting across streets, and I had given myself up to fate and this horses abilities. I was now simply riding for my life.

As we approached the park safely across 33rd Street, feeling safer about the ride now, I realized that like the horse, the police cars were not stopping. Now there were four. No longer was there fear about falling on cement, or being hit by a car. My new fear was that I would be apprehended by the police. I knew not why, but I knew it was me they were chasing.

MRC PRESS ANNOUNCES THE PUBLICATION OF

Available through the Men's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002, and at many bookstores.

To be continued ...

21

THANK YOU The Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time. services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope , we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a growing community of support. Thank you.

T

Office and Reception Volunteers Maurice Posada, Tom Schuyt MOVE Intern Mark Ribble Support Group Facilitators Paul Abbott, Bruce Bokor, Michael Burke Douglas DaRif, Michael Dover, Philip Fi~, jerry Garofalo, james Gordon. Tim Gordon Michael Greenebaum. Ken Ho~ard, Steven' jacobsen, Walter Lesure, Gabor Lukacs, Alex MacPhail, Rick Martin. Bob Mazer, Nathan McCaskill, jim Napolitan, Sheldon Snodgrass Mentor/Advocates for Respect & Safety (MARS) Volunteers Vafa Ansarifar, Laila Berstein, Elena BotkinLevy, Holli Chmela, Meredith Dimola, Ali Feely, Faith Kares, Marisol lopez, Mark Ribble, Bethany Smyers, Steven Theberge, Dominick Usher Springfield Steering Committee Tom Digby, Kevin Maxwell, james Moratto, Dan Williamson

Donated Space Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton; Old First Church. Springfield ; Open Pantry, Springfield In-Kind Donations Peter Acker. Amherst College; Henion Bakery, Bob Mazer, Smith College Technology Department, University of Massachusetts

Finally, we want to express our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guid-

ance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.

William P. Ryan, Ph.D. is pleased to announce the opening of a new office in Shelburne Falls William P. Ryan, Ph.D. Psychologist

Affordable Rates

(413) 625-2828

continued f rom page 14

Listening for (a) Change practice listening-really listening-to other people.

Bringing these topics out of their dark, emotional recesses allows for a tremendous and liberating dialogue. I've seen it many times in the workshop setting. The experience is there. The emotions are there. The ideas are there. Dialogue about gender and sexuality allows young people to learn from one another, and also creates a space for adults and young people to share ideas, Such a dialogue allows us to reexamine the messages from the street comer, and to work together to understand what they mean and where they come from. When we do so, we break out of ou,r solitude, and sometimes we are able collectively to reframe our experiences in the light of new insight or analysis. This dialogue also empowers us to share our voices with our peers and our community. It helps us connect whats happening inside with whats happening outside. For some of us, this dialogue even empowers us to become active agents in countering the oppressive messages thrown in with all the rest.

We can't afford not to create space for this dialogue about gender and sexuality in our schools. And open dialogue has an interesting after-effect: it is able to turn a room full of strangers into a community.

Mark Ribble is a third-year student at Hampshire College. He is a former volunteer in the Mentor/Advocates in Respect and Safety (MARS) project, and spent the summer as an intern here at the MRC.

DO YOU WANT TO BEUOME AN MRU SUPPORT GROUPS FAUILITATOR~ Join us for our free annual training!

Sunday afternoons December 1999 - February 2000 For more information and to . register, call Juan Carlos Arean at

(413) 253-9887 22

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MRC P.ROGRAMS & SERVICES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS • Open Men's Group - 7 - 9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St. , Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors of Childhood Abuse- 7 - 8:30p.m. Friday evenings at the MRC. Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse. · Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, & Questioning 7- 9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.

FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available - lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences.

Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.

YOUTH EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP) · Mentor Advocates fo r Respect and Safety (MARS): In collaboration with the Everywoman's Center, we train college and high school males to be mentors to junior high males with a particular focus on sexual assault prevention education.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available.

· Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJECT A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.

VOICE MALE Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.

• Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, and Springfield. · Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton, Amherst and Belchertown. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE· group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.

• Teen Groups: A 10 week MOVE group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others.

• Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

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INTEGRITY DEVELOPMENT AND CONSTRUCTION RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION CALL US FOR A FREE CONSULTATION 413-549·7919

Subscribe to Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and news of changing men. With your subscription comes a 12-month membership to the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.

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RESOURCES Men.'s Resources AIDS CARE/Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV. The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, lowcost housing. and transportation.

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals , families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 PM.

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered} Counseling & Therapy Referral Service (413) 586-2627-16 Center Street, Northampton, MA 01060. Free group for people 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or questioning their sexual orientation. Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons.

The Gay & Bisexual Men's Program (802) 254-4444 Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings & workshops, and volunteer opportunities. Contact Carey Johnson.

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project, Cambridge, Mass.

Information and support for gay and bisexual men suffering from relationship violence.

Phone (617) 497-7317, email: GMDVP@JUNO.COM

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock ' Amherst 413.587.4334 A.M.T.A Member Nationally Certified One hour massage for $30 with \his ad .. .expires 12/31/99

Readv to Change Your Life?

Men ~ s

413-586-7454

Group Therapy

Psychotherapy for:

Reed Schimmelfing MSW, LICSW

Couples - Families Individuals

Offices In Northampton

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for m:Ue survivors ofchildhood abuse

25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA 01060 413-586-0515

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FAX: 413-584-8903

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GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) - GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County.

Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. For more information, call (413) 774-7028.

Life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Counseling for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. www.valinet.com/-lifecour Men's Drop-In Group First and third Tuesday 7-8:30 pm, Athol {MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926 Men Against Violence First and third Tuesday 5-6 pm, Athol {MA) YMCA {978) 249-9926 Men's Therapy Group {413) 586-7454 Reed Schimmelfing, MSW Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) {800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

The Stonewall Center {413) 545-4824 University of Mass., Amherst.

A lesbian, bisexual, gay & transgender educational resource center.

Toughlove Internationalâ&#x20AC;˘ is a self-help program for parents troubled by their children's behavior. Parent-led support groups combine philosophy and action that can help change behavior and support the family. New group forming in Amherst. Contact Robin MacRostie at {413) 549-6403, email: srmacrostie@yahoo.com. To contact local groups elsewhere, call (800) 333-1069.

Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 P.O. Box 181, Northampton, MA 01061-0181 . Western Massachusetts' gay social and service organization.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project {802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIVIAIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry- {413) 584-6599.

Valuable Families Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes and respects our lesbian, gay and bisexual families of origin and of choice. PO Box 60634, Florence, MA 01062; Valfams@crocker.com Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley Meetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at Kidsports, Hadley for socializing, discussions, and games. {413) 586-0633.

Out Now! - GLBT Youth Group of Greater Springfield For confidential information about weekly meetings call {413) 739-4342.

EMAIL: PATSAM~JAVANET.COM

V~ice

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RESOURCES -- - - - -Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma .com National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc.: www.10Dbm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist mailing list:

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire Couniy (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood .Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Varie,ty of needs .for volunteers at the MRC office. .

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project, Cambridge, Mass.

Seeking volunteers for the nation's first safe home network serving gay and bisexual men and transgendered people. In need. of safe home providers and other volunteers.

Extensive training and stipend provided.

Phone Mark Green at (617) 497-7317, email · GMDVP@JUNO.COM

Volunteers Needed at the MRC! Staff the MRC Reception Area Help out at Special Events Distribute Voice Male Magazine Become a Support Group Facilitator

Want to learn more?

Call the MRC at (413) 253-9887

http://coombs . anu . edu . au/~gor1dn/profem.html

Fathers At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad The Fathers Resowce Center: www:srowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project · www.fatherhoodproject.org Magazines Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achllles/lssues.html XY:men, sex politics (from Australia):

.MEDIATION. Jon E. Kent Divorce, Family, Business

"Transforming Conflict Into Opportunity"

http ://coom bs . anu . ed u . au/~gorkin/XY/Xyln­

413-586-0512

tro.htm

JonK@igc.apc.org

Ending Men's VIolence Real Men: www.cs . utk . edu/~ bartley/other/reaiMen.html

The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/lntro.html Quitting Porl)ography, Men Speak Out: www .geocitles.com/Capltal Hill/1139/qultporn.html Men For Change: http://chebucto.ns.caJ CommunitySupport/Men4Change/m4c_back. html ·

Coun~eting

Proce~

Volunteen Needed AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

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Robert Maier _psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Cente! in Amherst · Voice Male

256-0772 25

CALENDAR September 5th- November 7th '6:15-8 p.m.

MenSing Discover the power of your voice Sing like you've never sung before - even if you haven't! Six, hiweekly Sunday night classes at Fitzwillys building, 25 Main St. , Nonhampton. Mass. Call Tim Van Ness (413) 585-5035 .

September 12th- November 14th 6:15-8:15 PeopleSmg (Women & Men Welcome) Discover the power of your vmce. Sing like you've never sung before - even if you haven't! Six, biweekly Sunday night classes at Fitzwilly's building, 25 Main St., Nonhampton, Mass. Call Tim Van Ness (413) 585-5035 .

September 17-19 COMEGA (Connecticut Men's Gathenng) Camp Hazen YMCA. Chester CT. For mformation, contact. Wayne Arey -thedrism@snet.net l860)727-0000. Peter Millward peter®millward.com (203)322-5422. www.comega.org September 17-19 Gramte Men's Gathermg- A Weekend Retreat for Men William Lawrence Camp. Center Tuftonboro. NH. For information. call Granite Mens Resource Center toll free - 1-888-727-6238. or 603-6474403 September 25, 3-5 pm Open House- Men's Resource Center join us for food , mus1c and celebration of the MRCI

Conference Center, Shutesbury, Mass. $300, including meals. ' For information, contact Stephen Stem (p\"wne 508-376.-9544, email Sstem@aol com) or jedd Miller (phone 413-549-5585 , email jeddMiller@aol.com). /

November 4, 12:30-2:00 All the Blacks are Heterosexuals and All the Gays are White ... Or So They Say Talk by james Earl Hardy. award winning free-lance writer and author. UMass Campus Center Room 804-08.

October 7-9 Ninth International Conference on Sexual Assault and Harassment on Campus Hyatt Orlando Hotel. Orlando, Florida. For information - Web.site: www.ed.mtu.edu/safe/assaultlpassault.htmf.

Novembe r 5 D.omestic Violence and Children: How Relationshipji are Formed, Developed, and Strategies for Change Presenter: Dr. Sheri Katz, Director of Family Advocacy Center, Baystate Medical Center. Western New England College, 1215 Wilbraham Road, .Springfield, Mass. Cost $35 .00. For more information or to register, call413-782-1473.

October 13, 4 - 6 pm Open House - MRC Spnngfield Office Stop by our new Springfield Men's Resource Center office at the South End Community Center buildmg- 29 Howard Street (734-3438). Refreshments.

October 15-17 .

Mame Coast Men Lincolnville. Mame. For information, contact Dave Miraman (phone 207-236-4845. email· · loafer@midcoast.coml.

October 21 National Young Women's Day of Action For information: (413) 559-5565 ; nywda@hampshire edu· web site: ·http://hamp.hampshire.edu/-clpp/ October 22-24 Changmg Culture: Moving from Violence to Peace Men's International Peace Exchange Conference.

Fellowship Farm . Pottstown , Pennsylvania. For information , contact M!PE (phone 610-872-8178, fax 610-872 -3642, email mi peOO@aol com).

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September 30. 12:30-2:00 pm Puacy. Sexuality. and Masculine identity Talk by Hans Turley, UConn professor of English.

UMass campus center room 804-08.

October 1-3 God , Sex, and Money A conference for men with j ohn Lee. jeffrey Duvall. and j oe l.aur Sinus Community

October 29, 8 pm MotherSON One man play exploring hilarious and poignant relationship between a jewish mother and her gay son. Bowker Auditorium, UMass: For info Stonewall Center: 545-4824; www.umass.edu/stonewall.

November 21 Founh Annual MRC "Challenge and Change" Awards Banquet Honoring educator Michael Greenebaum and organic farmer and activist Wally Nelson , and youth award recipient. First Congregational Church of Hadley, Routes 9 and 4 7, Hadley, Mass. For more information, call the MRC at 413-253-9887.

December 9, 12:30-2:00 What's the T After GLB?:·Transgender Issues and Experiences Talk by Grace Sterling Stowell, executive director of the Boston Alliance of Gay. Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth. UMass Campus Center Room 804-08.

Send calendar listings for the Winter 2000 issue to Voice Male Calendar, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst MA 01002 . Deadline for listings is November 1st.

SPEAK-OUTS. ON THE MASCULINE CULTURE OF VIOLENCE: Four discussions with men who've been there FOUR WEPNESPAYS BI'C:,INNINC:, OCTOBERl7

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The magazine of the Men's Resource Center

FOUR THURSDAYS BEC:,INNINC:, NOV.1.1

of Western Massachusetts Published quarterly, Voice Male is distributed in 25 states and throughout Western New England f rom the Massachusetts-Connecticut border into Southern New Hampshire and Vermont.

CONTACT: CARL ERIKSON

Either send cam era-ready ads to us , or utiliz our in-house design and production services.

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Fo r sizes , rates and deadlines, contao::t Sales Director Steven jacobsen a t (413) 253-

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VOICE MALE 236 No . Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002 Email : mrc

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FOR REGISTRA710N AND COSTS

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@valinet.com

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Voice Male

fTk-e- rle-/vbe-r-for- rlre-taio-e- ~cu/i~ presents

"Children & Griefwork"

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Expressive Arts Facilitator Workshops 1999 f Death f Divorce/Separation f Substance Abuse September 24, 25, 26 in Putney, Vermont Sliding Fee Scale

Call: 802-387-2550

and Dreamwork, so they can work on the things that we can take with us.

Dream Interpretation Dreams are the stage in the theater of life where our psyche is able to act out what our true inner self is calling for. Dreams h<?ld those elusive answers to the many questions we have as we open the doors to transformation.

i/fl~ {k~~ As an Aries "Industrialist Gearhead," I have lived "life in the fiery lane," building, creating and achieving. The more I achieved the more I became aware of the fact that I was not obtaining the fulfillment I was looking for, so in the same manor I attacked the physical world r went off to ~xplore mx emotional world. Through this exploratiOn and transformation, I learned to have a deep belief that everyone should build beliefs and truths that are truly their own. Unfortunately we are thrust onto this plane to flounder around on our own, looking for answers to our many questions about truths and beliefs that will support and comfort us through this journey. For most of our lives, we work for things that we cannot take with us.

From my diverse background, I have developed the expertise and love of helpi ng others find the tools to build their own beliefs and truths through Intuitive Counseling Voice Male

Intuitive Counseling Working intuitively at a highly energetic level, I use the person's dreams and feelings, . enabling their awareness and understandmg of the emergence of their true inner-self.

Once at this point, I am able to teach the individual, ''The Art of Healing The Wound."

I am available for Dreamwork and Intuitive Counseling for individuals and couples at my offices in Northfield, Greenfield, and Acton, MA. Initial Visit is free. Flexible fees available.

413.549.1953

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To learn more about Cody Sisson, the "Industrialist Gearhead," the ''Therapist," please feel free to visit his website. www.dragon-heart.com

Dream interpretation â&#x20AC;˘ Intuitive counseling Individuals, couplts or groups

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Cody Sisson (413) 498-5950 Email: cody@dragon-heart.com

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