Voice Male Spring 2001

Inside: · • Men, Sports, &Violence • Coming Out Not for Gay Men Only • New: Men of Color Column • Teen Fathers Who Care • Domestic Violence in Siberia • Porn's Manipulation of Men

By Rob Okun

From the Editor

REGULAR FEATURES

MRC-TV

Men Overcoming Violence on CBS' 48 Hours nterest nationally in the work of the Men's Resource Center (MRC) has been increasing over the past several months and Voice Mal e has played a part in growing media coverage. Last fall , the nationally syndicated public radio program, 51%, a weekly show about women. featured an interview with Russell Bradbury-Carlin, co-director of the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program.

Among other observations about· domestic violence, Russell described MOVE's unique approach to working with men who act abusively in relationships. A few months later, Parade Magazine, the supplement published in Sunday newspapers across the U.S., featured Steve Jefferson, a MOVE group leader and a professor in the sports management program at the University of Massachusetts, in a story about young men taking responsibility for preventing sexual violence against women. (See an interview featuring jefferson on male violence in sports on page B.) So it wasn't altogether surprising when a call came from television's 48 Hours, the weekly CBS News magazine.

The story of how 48 Hours found the MRC begins with the Winter 1999 issue of Voice Male. In it, MOVE co-director Sara Elinoff wrote "Believing That Abusive Men Can Change," an article recounting her journey from working in a battered woman's sh6lter to creating MOVE's partners' support program Sara offered an (unfortunately) not yet widely held perspective about abusive men: Committed men, motivated men, men determined to· do the work, can change and can lead abuse-free lives. m hard work but it~ possible to do. That message in Voice Male, discovered by 48 Hours on an Internet search for batterers' intervention programs, caught the attention of producer Patti Aronofsky. When she discovered our · message of compassionate confrontation she'd found what she was looking for.

A-camera crew showed up in late January to film a segment featuring several former MOVE clients, including Scott Girard, who first joined a MOVE group in 1990. (To underscore the point that committed men can change, Girard, along with the MRC'sjefferson, another former member, now colead MOVE groups.) Participants also included Jim Geoffrion, a long time member from the early 1990s, and Mike Charbonneau, currently in a long-term follow-up group. The four-person camera and sound recording crew unraveled their cords and powered up their lights while filming the men alone and with their wives, Nancy Girard, LuAnn Geoffrion, and Debbie Charbonneau. Correspondent Harold Dow conducted the interviews and also spoke with Sara Elinoff and MRC executive director and MOVE din" ical supervisor, Steven Botkin. A brief scene captured this writer teaching a piece of curriculum to an offcamera MOVE group.

It was certainly a tremendous publicity boost having our work before a national audience.

Hopefully, viewers got a small taste of the MRC's efforts to ~edefine masculinity. But it's the message of challenge and 'change, not the publicity, that is important. And that message, articulated on these pages and by the Men's Resource Center for nearly two decades--a message of compassionate confrontation and a belief in men-is the one we hope

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viewers saw. Despite the sensationalistic presentation of other segments of' the show, the MRC was there , and our credo, supporting men and challenging violence, was broadcast from coast to coast.

While it is nice to have been in the spotlight for a brief moment, such recognition pales next to seeing men take steps to lead abuse-free lives. That's the prize we're keeping our eyes on. Most men are good but many are struggling and it's important to remember them. After the television crews pack up the cameras and tape recorders and head home, there will still be men who need help to stop acting abusively. Because of the 48 Hours broadcast maybe some of them will begin to change. Hopefully they will find their way to group rooms across America.

There they will have a chance to learn new behaviors and new strategies to a:--oid being abusive, to be real with one another, to challenge one another, and to support one another to change. For a couple of hours each week we hope they will articulate a commitment to treat their wives and partners and families with love and respect. Those are the hours and hours and hours--many more than 48 of themwhich really count. Theirs are the lives we cannot forget.

In this issue Voice Male examines "Male Violence in Sports"· through an interview with sports management professors Todd Crosset and Steve jefferson (page 8), and traverse the heart of friendship in "Can Men Have Friends?" featuring the voices of four writers--gay, African American, young, and female.

We travel to Siberia with Juan Carlos Amln in "Coming in from the Cold," reporting on his experiences teaching·about domestic violence in Russia (page 12). In our Fathering column, I take a look at the powerful yearnings of young dads in "Teen Fathers Who Care (page 14), and in Voices of Youth, Stephan Paul Theberge challenges readers to become educated about the "prison industrial complex" (page 15). Coming out is "Not for Gay Men Only," Carl Erikson. asserts in OutLines (page 16) , and a divorced mother, writing anonymously, poignantly examines the damage pornography does to men and families in her moving account, "Pornography's Manipulation of Men" (page 18). Our new column, ColorLines, written by and for men of color and the rest of us, takes on "AIDS and the Black Community" in Vernon McClean's gripping portrait of this underreported epidemic (page 19). Men & Health columnist]oe Zoske looks at "Keeping Cool, Calm and Cardiac-Healthy" (page 20) and writer Wayne P. recounts his "Victory Over Darkness a:nd Silenc~;" in our Notes from Survivors column, (page 21). It's a rich issue. All that's missing are your thoughts and comments. I welcome them.

From the Editor Director's Voice Mail Bonding Men@Work Fathering: Teen Fathers Who Care · By Rob Okun Voices of Youth: Working Against the"Prison Industrial Complex"

By Stephan Theberge Outlines: Coming Out: Every Man's Need

By Carl Erikson Colorlines: AIDS and the Black Community By Vernon McClean Men &: Health : Anger and the Heart By joe Zaske Notes from Survivors: Breaking the Silence By Wayne P. MRC Programs &: Services Resources Tliank You _Calendar

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ARTICLES & OPINION Male Violence in Sports: An Interview with Todd Crosset and Steve jefferson

By Michael Burke and Rob Okun Can Men Have Friends?

Coming in from the Cold: Do~estic Violence Work in Siberia By juan Carlos Aredn Pornography's Manipulation of Men

By AnonyiJlous

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Cover photo: Gigi Kaeser On the cover: Friends Gopi Krishna and Charles Bodhi

Voice Male is published quarterly by the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, mailed to donors and subscribers, and distributed at select locations throughout Western Massachusetts .

The mission of the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop men~ leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in our lives, our families , and our communities. Our programs support men to overcome the damaging effects of rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously confront men~ patterns of personal and societal violence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

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Main Office: 236 North Pleasant Street • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 ·springfield Office: 29 Howard Street • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 Hampshire Community Email: mrc@valinet.com ~-..

Website: www.mrc-wma.com -

Voice Male

Director's Voice - - - - - - - - - - - By Steven Botkin ·

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A Study .in Social Change

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Administrative Staff Executive Director- Steven Botkin Associate Director- Rob Okun Development Director- Pauj En tis Director of Operations- Carl Erikson Men Overcoming VIolence Directors - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinoff Clinical Supervisor- Steven Botkin Partner Services Coordinator- Sara "Eiinoff Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison- Steve Trudel Partner Outreach Counselor- Mary Dupont Brandt Franklin County Coordinator- Joy Kaubin · North Ouabbin Community Educator- Tom Sullivan Group Leaders -Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinoff, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Devon Klein, Dot LaFratta, Gary Newcomb, Rob Okun, Steve Trudel Youth Programs Activist Men's Network- Doug Ginn, Mark Ribble Hampden County Programs Director of Immigrant and Refugee Program Juan Carlos Arean Voice Male Editor- Rob Okun .

Managing Editor- Michael Burke Senior Editor- Steven Botkin.

Production - Mark Bergeron Copy Editors - Michael Dover, Maurice Posada Support Programs Interim Director- Rob Okun Board of Directors Chair- Michael Dover Vice-Chair- Thorn Herman Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop Members -Jenny Daniell, Tom Gardner, Nancy Girard, Ty Joubert, Yoko Kato, Brenda Lopez, She/lie Taggart, Sudhakar Vamathevan Editor's Note The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff,.board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters to the editor, articles, news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a selfaddressed, stamped envelope. Send to Editor, Voice Male, c/o the Men's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. , Membership The .MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by fees for services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25.

Send to MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002.

Advertising For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising at 413-253-9887.

Spring 2001

Confronting Homophobia and Heterosexism at the MRC

upporting men and challenging oppression. These have been the two primary elements of the mission of the Mens Resource Center. Balancing these two priorities has been both our unique strength and our constant challenge. And the challenge gets more complicated as we examine more closely the questions "Which men are we supporting" and "What oppression are we challenging?" · The philosophy and· practice at the Men's Resource Center has always been based on the understanding that homophobia is profoundly damaging to all men,. whether we are straight, gay or bi~exual. Because of homophobia, we keep our distance with other men, hide our loving feelings , and disguise our desire for connection. Often we cannot even be honest with ourselves about who we really are. We are all trapped in the closet of homophobia.

Many of our meetings during our first eight years as the Men's Resource Connection (1982-1990) were spent, in part, seeking to free ourselves from the obstacles to real honesty, vulnerability and closeness with each other. We believed that by overcoming our own internalized homophobia and building a community of loving men an empowered foundation for individual and social change would be created.

The current successes of the MRC are, to a large extent, the result of the strength of this foundation. For many men the opportunity to find connection and caring with other men feeds a long-standing need buried under layers of disappointment and hopelessness. Being part of a community of men who are challenging the personal and cultural closet of homophobia draws us together and mobilizes our activism.

And yet, there has been something missing in our balance of supporting inen and challenging oppression. The focus on supporting men in overcoming -the damage homophobia does to us all makes invisible the specific ways that homophobia impacts gay men. Heterosexism, the system of oppression that targets gay men, lesbians and bisexuals with discrimination and violence, and privileges heterosexuals, never gets named. As a result gay men are not being seen and supported in the unique realities that profoundly affect their lives, and can feel marginalized and invisible at the MRC. ' ' So we are learning that one dimension of our mission is specifically "to support gay and bisexual men and to develop men's leadership in challenging homophobia and heterosexism. " We are now actively taking steps to adjust the balance. Our strategic

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plan (scheduled to be completed in June) will explicitly address these issues. The wonderful tu{nout of nearly two dozen gay and bisexual men at a strategic planning focus group is evidence of a strong and growing investment in the MRC. We have formed a "GBQ Committee" to provide accountability and guidance. The monthly GBQ brunch. (in addition to the weekly drop-in group) is continuing to become a focal point for orga-. nizing and support. And the "OutLines" pages in this magazine are another point of · connection and networking.

I am excited about this new sense of clarity, commitment and action at the Men's Resource Center. I am thrilled by the increased presence and voice of openly gay men at every level of the organization. And I look forward to developing programs and activities that more explicitly address homophobia and heterosexism within both the organization and the larger society.

Fiom the beginning, the Men's Resource Center has been an experiment.in social change. We are learning as we go how to take the next steps both internally and in our society. The challenge at hand is how does a predominantly straight ap.d white · organization become truly multicultural?

We are engaging this challenge as one of our top priorities for the coming years. As we find our way, through our mistakes and our successes, I hope you find lessons, inspiration and support for your own growth arid activism.

I encourage you to join us on Saturday, May 5 at noon in Northampton for the annual Pride March and Rally to celebrate the local Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual!Transgender community. Every year the Men's Resource Center has a contingent of men of all sexual orientations marching behind an MRC banner, as well as an information table at the rally. This event offers us a chance to "come out" as men who are gay, bisexual, straight and transgendered, and to stand together in pride and commitment in challenging homophobia and heterosexism. Please find your way to join as we march forward on this important next stage in this journey. . "

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WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801 , E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clanty and length. Deadhne for the Summer 2001 Issue is May 15, 2001.

Ending.Racism J

Thanks for Steven Botkin's "Voice" on anti-racism ("Directors Voice: Becoming an Anti-Racist Mens Resource Center, " Voice Male Winter 2001). I would like to share a few of my thoughts on goals and s~rategies to end racism.

We must be open to how the healing between people of color and whites will occur. If we create concepts as to what non-racism will look and feel like, the solution m~y elude us. We have to admit that we do not have the answers. In so doing, we can begin our work with an open mind and invite as-yet-untried developments and solutions to appear along the way.

Equally important, we must level the playing field . I think that having a committee to "evaluate, monitor, and guide.[our] efforts" is touchy at best. We have to ask ourselves, who are we to guide this. process? As privileged :-vhites, we run the risk of further exploiting the oppressed to satisfy some need to gratify ourselves. Can we assume that "others" will eventually assimilate into our group? Why don't we join the groups of people of color? We have been top dog for so long that much of our work will be relinquishing our po~i颅 tion-with humility.

What can we do to end racism? We can lead the fight by taking full responsibility for our part in creating racism. To develop an anti-racist perspective we must thoroughly explore, know, and work through our own racist perspectives. As whites, we need to become aware of our biases. We must explore our racist attitudes, feelings, beliefs, assumptions, and actions in a powerful way. We have to ask: How do we keep these people away? What are the hatreds and fears we are holding? Wha.t are the feelings that make us dominate and not let go? How do we feel victimized by people of color? What would we rather project onto others than take into ourselves? What are the levels of fear and shame that keep us from knowing this? How are we creating the emotional forces that keep the races in check? If we don't take ch.arge and chart this barely explored territory, what we a路re holding inside will find some other, perhaps more subtle but equally oppressive, way to express itself. Separation and 4

. oppression will continue.

If we feel we must work with people of color now, I suggest that we start right where we are. For the most part we should work separately and see what comes of it.

A possibility would be for both people of color and whites to form their own exploration groups. There, in relative safety, we could uncover and delve into our separate issues. Eventually a witness from oRe "side" might attend the others' group, report back to his group and thus deepen the process. Gradually these separate groups could evolve and possibly merge.

Again, we have to be open to the outcome.

This is no short-term process. We have a long way to go. This healing hasn'rbeen done before. Responsibility resides in increasing our awareness of the part we each play in racism. From knowing how and why racism was constructed within ourselves, solutions will arise.

Frederick Carlisle Cummington, Mass.

Clarification Needed I'm responding to "Preventing Domestic Violence: Getting Fathers Involved" (Winter 2001) describing a panel on which I participated, entitled "Fathers .and Domestic Violence Prevention: Accountability, Engagement, Support.'; I'd first like to clarify that it is not my experience that female social workers have more difficulty working with fathers than male social workers do, and any remarks I made that gave that impression were either misstateme~ts by me or misinterpretations by the author of the article. I did state that men can often address other men's violence more effectively than women ca1;1, my point being that men often hear the anti-violence message differently when it comes from a father, brother, or male service provider.

My larger concern about the article, however, is that it lacks a context that I believe is necessary for an informed discussion of fathering and domestic violence. To imply that finding ways of supporting men and valuing their contributions to their families prevents domestic violence is simplistic and ignores the institutional and cultural context in which partner violence exists. Fathers' being more involved in nurturing and caring for children can, in the long run, have an impact on rates of

domestic violence. But those of us who work in the field improve our skills and collaborate more effectively on efforts to hold men accountable for their behavior whi.Je keeping women and children safe.

Interventions that are not informed by careful and ongoing assessment of the safety of women and children can, and often do, increase the risk to family members.

Finally, while many men, such as my two co-panelists, can be engaged to change their behavior when they understand the effect it has had on their children, at least an equal number of men refuse to accept any responsibility for their violence within any framework. They refuse to participate in batterer路 intervention programs, parenting classes, 'or any other service.unless ordered to do so by the courts, with consequences of noncompliance spelled out.

And some men choose to suffer the most severe consequences (permanent loss of custody of children, significant jail time, etc.) rather than address their own behavior. Discussions of fathering and domestic violence that do not include this reality present a picture that invalidates the experiences of millions of women and children who live in fear. Let us not lose sight of them.

Shellie Taggart .

Domestic Violence Unit Massachusetts Department of Social Services Springfield, Mass.

Studying Men I just received a copy of Voice Male. I love it! I want to subscribe as soon as possible.

This is the first I've heard of you at the Men's Resource Center. It sounds great. I am an active member of the American Men's Studies Association (AMSA) and I h;ve delivered two papers at its annual ' conference. Men's Studies is a growing academic area and I hope to do my dissertation in that field. I am a doctoral student in clinical psychology at Northeastern University. Thanks again for the great opportunity tp read about Men's Studies and possibly contribute some of my own thoughts.

Bert Ouellette via e-mail

Voice Male

MEN(®WORK

The Media's "Gender Straightjacket" for Boys ighly publicized acts of violence by young males have caused nationwide soul-searching as child experts seek to understand the difficulties boys face today While there is a considerable amount of finger-pointing at the media, there has been a dearth of research on the message$. the-media send boys and girls about what it means to be a man in America. B<tys to Men: Media Messages About Masculinity, a research report recently released by Children Now, a national child advocacy organization, may begin to fill in the picture.

In a national poll used in this study, almost three-fourths of children aged 10-17 describe males on television as "violent." More than two-thirds describe them as "angry " The children's percep-

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tions are validated by the study's independent analysis of how men act 11nd how masculinity is portrayed in the most popular programs boys watch. Other highlights from the study include: • Some level of violence appeared in over half of the sample of television shows and movies most popular among adolescent boys.

• The vast majority (74 percent) of males in the programs and movies sampled · perform antisocial behaviors such as ridiculing, lying, and aggressive or defiant acts.

• Many children do not think that "sensitive" describes television's male characters. .

• Sports commentators c~msistently use

Farewell Moonlight In the nearly four years George Moonlight Davis served as office manager at the Men's Resource Center (MRC), there were few areas of the organization he didn't touch. His voracious appetite to understand MRC culture -and to impact it-found him doing far more than managing the comings and goings of a growing office, and he accomplished far more than creating a sophisticated computer network for an expanding staff.

When he arrived in the spring of 1997, the organization's small part-time gang shared one computer. When he left just after New Year's, there were a dozen computers tied into a network operat- , ing throughout the building. Now that he has gone-Moonlight's new job is helping oversee computer functioning in City Hall in Holyoke-that network serves as a poignant reminder of the other network Moonlight constructed at the Men's Resource Center. A network that included rrientoring young African American and Latino men in Springfield and Holyoke; sharing memories of a blackmale growing up in the fifties in North Philadelphia in compelling sto.ries published on these pages; singing,

playing piano, and drumming at the Challenge & Change Awards Banquet every fall , among a host of other projects and responsibilities. (Happily, Moonlight is continuing to co-lead a weekly group for young men co-sponsored by the MRC and the Holyoke Youth Alliance.) As a founding member of the organization's Anti-Racism Committee, he initiated efforts to weave the concerns of men of color into the fabric of the organization and continues to be a consistent voice for men of color at the MRC: Moonlight's laughter, like his tears, resounded from the group rooms, the hallways, the front steps and the backyard of the Men's Resource Center. For those fortunate enough to work with him, it sometimes seems as if he can still be heard at staff meetings, sh_owing his feelings, hiding little, sharing much.

For those-re!lding these pages,, Moonlight's contribution on page 12 to Voice Male's exploration of men and friendship will no doubt strike a chord.

His words are an apt closure for his years at the Men's Resource Center: "I don't have buddies," he writes . "I only have friends ."

the language of war, martial arts, and weaponry to describe sports action.

• Traditionally masculine images of speed, danger, and aggression are often used in the commercials shown during sports programs boys watch.

• Minority characters are more likely to use sexual behaviors to solve their problems, while white characters are more likely to use deception, dominance, and ridicule.

"By many 111easures, America's , boysurban or suburban, white or minorityare in trouble. Yet they consume more • media than ever, often occupying the time that coaches and fathers used to fill ," said Lois Salisbury, president of Children Now. "Our study shows that boys are exposed relentlessly to a narrow, confining picture of masculinity in America, one that reinforces anger and violence as the way to solve problems."

The research used in this study was originally presented at Children Now's Annual Children & the Media Conference held in Los Angeles in the fall of 1999, which was attended by industry leaders from sports and entertainment media. Dr. William Pollack, co-director of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital /Harvard Medical School and author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, chaired the conference and gave the keynote address.

Dr. Pollack said, "As I talk to boys across America, I'm struck by how trapped they feel. Our culture puts boys in a gender straitjacket, channeling their full range of healthy emoti.ons into narrow forms of expression, often aggressive ones. Media legitimates these constraints at a time when we desperately need to reinvent manhood in America."

"As society begins to focus ·o n the well-being of boys, we are learning that boys need a fuller range of options to grow up healthy The media's challenge is not only to catch up with the tim~ , but to help show the way to a healthier future / ' said Salisbury For more information, contact Children Now, 1212 Broadway, 5th Floor, Oakland, CA 94612; tel: 510-763-2444, fax : 510-763-1974;' email: children@childrennow.org; Web • site: www.childrennow.org.

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MEN(®WORK. You Say Goodbye ... We Say Hello . he Board of Directors of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts said goodbye to two members at the end of 2000 and welcomed two new members in january.

Tom Kovar, a board member since 1998, left the board after taking on new supervisory responsibilities at his job. Alan Sax was on the bo,ard from its inception in 1993; he retired to give himself more time with his family. "Tom and Al bt:ought years of human service experience to the board and we'll miss their critical thinking and caring support,", said board chair Michael Dover.

Newly elected to the board are Sudhakar Vamathevan and Tom Gardner.

Vamathevan, an accountant and computer systems consultant, is Chief Financial Officer of FOR Community Services, a social service agency in Chicopee, Mass.

A native of Sri Lanka, he has long been concerned with human rights issues, and serves as a member of the Town of Amherst Human Rights Commission.

Gardner is managing director of the · Northampton-based Media Education Foundation, which he has helped develop into the nation's leading producer and distributor of educational videos on media and culture. He has a long career in civil rights, peace, union, and social justice work, and distinguished himself as a journalist, editor, and communications director before his current position.

"We're fortunate to have Tom and Sudhakar join us," said Dover. "Their experience in administration, finance, and public policy will be a tremendous asset to the board in the coming years.

I'm grateful that they've come forward to help."

Meanwhile, the Men Overcoming ·Violence (MOVE) staff recently added Tom Sullivan to a new post as domestic violence community educator for the North Quabbin region, an area where the northeast corner of Franklin County borders Worcester County, Mass. Tom will be working closely with the region's Violence Prevention Task Force and the staff of NELCWIT, which provides services to victims/survivors of domestic violence. joy Kaubin, MOVE's Franklin County coordinator, expressed excitement about Tom's appointment. "Tom brings to this position sensitivity and a

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sincere concern about reaching out to and supporting men and challenging violent behavior. He is skilled in respectful communication and. brings great enthusiasm to this work." A skilled craftsman, Tom has done men's work and community organizing and has 'taught survival skills to youth. joining MOVE's team of group leaders in the 12-year old batterers' intervention program are Devon Klein and Dorothy (Dot) Lafratta. Before joining MOVE, .

Devon workep as a batterers' intervention counselor in Worcester, Mass. and currently is a substance abuse clinician in ' Greenfield. Dot is the. former regional coordinator for SAFEPLAN, which assists victims of domestic violence in the court system. She is currently a Domestic Violence Specialist for the state DepartJilent of Transitional and works with battered women in Springfield, Worcester, North Adams and Northampton and Ware District Courts.

Dot is co-leading a MOVE group in Springfield; Devon is co-leading in Amherst and Ware.

job placement, and understanding the importance of fatherhood. A separate Youth Initiative Project for 10 to 19 males offers a juvenile detention group, discussion of Shaken Baby Syndrome, counseling and referrals for housing and marriage and divorce counseling, and job interviewing skills, among other programs.

"We want to make responsible men and responsible fathers, " says Walter Jones, Sr., Visions of Manhood client recruiter, who also c9nsulted with Okun. ' "We want to see men who were discouraged and uninvolved become successful dads ." . "Through our meeting and exchange · of information and ideas, I hope Visions of Manhood and the Men's Resource Center can ·create an alliance," Okun said. "We have a lot to offer one another." .

Funding for the organization comes primarily from the Florida Commission on Responsible Fatherhood, the Ounce of Prevention Fund of Florida, and the city of Tallahassee. To learn more: Visions of Manhood, Inc. 2110-E '-outh Adams Street, Tallahassee, FL 32301 ; (850) 847-0066; Email VisionsofManhood_v@yahoo .com.

Visions of Manhood in Tallahassee

Women of Color Organizing to Stop Violence

A Florida men's organization is working to help young males, older men and fathers through an innovative, hands-~n · set of programs and services. From a well organized, comfortable suite of offices on a busy street in the state capital of Tallahassee, Visions of Manhood, Inc., has offered help to more than 1000 men since its founding in 1996. With a staff of five, Visions of Manhood serves young and older men, including young fathers, many of whom are paying child support to assist their children.

Men's Resource Center of Western · Massachusetts associate director Rob Okun visited Visions of Manhood at the end of january where he met with one of their counselors, mentor Joe Tolliver.

According to Tolliver, .one goal of the organization is to help fathers to stay involved in their children's lives, even if they are not living with their children's mother. Adult programs include teaching conflict resolution and anger manage· ment·skills, understanding how to work with family court, financial management,

"We need an analysis that furthers neither the conservative project of sequesterip.g millions of men of color in accordance with the contemporary dictates of globalized capital and its prison industrial complex, nor the equally conservative project of abandoning poor women of color to a continuum of violence that extends from the sweatshops through the prisons, to shelters, and into bedrooms at home. How do we develop analyses and organizing strategies against violence against women that acknowledge the race of gender and the gender of race?"

So said Angela Davis in her keynote address to the "Color of Violence: Violence Against Women of Color" conference held last April at the University of California, Santa Cruz. As Davis noted, this task is not easy. Women of color have . always been active in the anti-violence movement, challenging its racism, class biases, and depoliticization.

UnfortUnately, the anti-violence movement has often held itself accountable to state and federal funders rather than to

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MEN®)WORK women of color in its organizing efforts.

The conference was called together to address these gaps within anti-violence and racial justice organizing in the U.S. and to finally make women of color central to botb. Conference organizers planned a small event, but more than 1000 people attended the conference, and more than 2000 had to be turned away because of space limitations. This overwhelming response suggests women of color and their allies are hungry for a new approach toward ending violence.

A new national organization for feminists of color called Incite: Women of Color Against Violence has emer?ed from. t~e conference. Incite is a nauonal actiVIst organization of feminists of color advancing a movement to end violence ag~i_nst women of color and their commumues through direct action, critical dialogue, and grassroots organizing. A second Color of Violence conference is scheduled for Chicago on either March 8-10 or October 4-6, 2002. If you would like to be on the mailing list of this new organization, please contact incite_national®· yahoo.com, Incite, P.O. Box 6861, Minneapolis, MN 55406.

Children's Trust Fund Honors Okun, MRC The Children's Trust Fund honored Men's Resource Center associate director (and Voice Male editor) Rob Okun with a Child Advocate Award for his work with fathers and families in Hampshire County, Mass. The award was one 'of three presented March 29th at the Boston-based organization's fifth annual Hampshire and Franklin counties "Friendraiser."

The other recipients were jackie .

Humphreys , coordinator of the Northwest District Attorney's child abuse unit, covering both counties; and Martha Parker, a social worker and home visitor · for REACH, working with special-needs children in Franklin County.

Children's Trust Fund special events coordinator Emily Webster said all three awardees have something in common. "I think it's their commitment in their own special niches to provide services to families," she said. "They're all excelling at helping people in need."

"What Rob and the Men's Resource Center are doing is helping to get out the

word about fathers ," Webster added.

"They're working with men at critical stages in their lives, and they're doing great work."

The Children's Trust Fund and the Men's Resource Center collaborated to create the Fathers and Family Network, an ongoing series of workshops and trainings Okun coordinates for professionals to increase skills for reaching and working with fathers.

No Comment Dept.

"Rea,l" People? · A Rhode Island television casting company took .out an advertisement in a Northampton, Massachusetts newspaper seeking "real" families for an upcoming television commercial being produced by a company called A. J. Wright. Their definition of a "real" family to respond to the casting call? A, "Mom and Dad with 2 or 3 children." Apparently single fathers or single mothers, and gay an.d lesbian parents aren't real families and need not apply.

-Andrea Smith Andrea Smith is a longtime anti-violence and Native American activist who coordinated the Color of Violence conference.

Excerpted from the Fall 2000 issue of ColorLines, a national magazine of race, culture and action. Subscriptions to ColorLines are available through www. colorlines.com or at (888) 458-8588.

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Spring 2001

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7

Male Violence in Sports An Interview with Todd Crosse! and Steve Jefferson

By Michael Burke and Rob Okun iMaggio regarded women as property, like bats and gloves, and referred to them as "broads." A wife was a broad who was meant to stay at home, give up her career, if she had one, and not try to share the limelight with her famous husband. Nor was she to wear two-piece bathing suits or low -cut necklines, or complain when the man of the house continued his boys'-night-out.existence . ..

The marriage [to Marily n Monroe] lasted only nine months . . , . While Marilyn was doing exteriors for The Seven Year Itch in New York [including the famous subway-grating scene in which her skirt blew up over her head] ...

DiMaggio left the location in a rage, and that night he beat her up in their suite at the St. Regis Hotel. Three weeks later, after returning to Los Angeles to finish the film's interior shots, Marilyn filed for divorce. Fearful of more·physical abuse, she moved into the studio to sleep, and DiMaggio was quietly barred from the lot.

No door had ever been closed to the Yankee Clipper; one can assume it was an embarrass ment greater than the divorce.

-John Gregory Dunne, "Keeping Score: Where'd You Go, Joltin' Joe?," The New Yorker, Oct. 30, 2000

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It was part of the community to beat your wife, your girlfriend. It was cool. When you'd leave home and go to school, you'd hear some of the guys say, "Man, I smacked my girlfriend three times last ni$ht." Then one.of his friends gives him a high-jive. That was a way of life, and it wasn't right.

-NFL star Troy Vincent, quoted in Pros and Cons: Criminals Who Play in the NFL .. . In Port St. Lucie, Fla. , a youth soccer coach head-butted a referee, breaking the ref's ,nose. In Wagoner, Okla., a 36-year-old coach started choking a 15-year-old umpire in a teeball game for 5- and 6-year-olds. In Palm Beach Gardens, Fla., a baseball game for 7and 8-year-olds ended in a parents' brawl. .. .And you thought pro sports was mayhem.

-Rick Reilly, "Bringing Parents Up to Code," Sports Illustrated (2000) On a quiet afternoon not long ago, Voice Male sat down with Todd Crosset and Steve Jefferson, both professors in the sports management program at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, to talk about the disturbing, and increasingly publicized, phenomenon of male violence in sports-among athletes, among coaches, among parents of players in youth leagues and on school teams.

Todd Crosset is a former collegiate swimmer who was named an All American in 1981 while at the University of Texas , the year his team won the national championship. He has also coached swimming. Steve Jefferson played basketball at Ryder College in Lawrenceville,

8

say, "You're not allowed to come back in here. Once practice starts, it's only me and the kids." Thats lack of accountability. Sometimes coaches whack a kid on the bottom or pull their arm tight-if a schoolteacher did that, we would go ballistic.

Coaches can do that. Violence is ·acceptable in this social realm.

SJ: I agree with Todd-! don't think we have more incidents, we have more media to talk about it. On the Internet, I can go right now to sportscoach.com and come up with incidents of violence between kids and coaches or referees from last week. If you talk to referees and officials, they will tell you that today you'd better have disability insurance, where when I first started officiating 20 years ago, nobody even thought of Voice Male: Is violence that stuff. Nowadays, because referees inherently part of sports; at have come in contact with families, least for males? Is there someplayers', coaches who have been physthing about the competition, ically violent toward them, it's somethe aggression, and the drive to thing you've got to consider. win that inevitably spills over VM: Is there a relationship into violence?

Todd Crosset between incidents like that and simiStevenjefferson: When we talk about football, soccer, baslar incidents in professional sports, where players have gone after coaches, offiketball, baseball, even though we ,talk about cials, fans, or teammates? playing fair, we also talk about how you've TC: I agree with Steve that maybe we're got to win. Sometimes winning at all costs at a precipice. We have a large group of means that some of this other stuff comes people saying, "This is unacceptable." On out-you've got parents hitting kids, tackthe other hand, we have more examples, ling kids, in Little League baseball games, incidents of it, and we talk about it. We're Pop Warner football games, and you sit seeing things we didn't see before. It's not there and go, "What is that about?" One of that players didn't go after coaches beforemy [students) talked about going to a game they did. It's not like people didn't run out with his brother where a fight broke out of the stands and hit umpires-they did. among the parents. The kids all ran to one But it was framed differently. side , looking in horror at what was happen· One of the things sport did in the past ' ing. that we've gotten away from is teaching VM : Is there more violence in sports morals. The whole notion of being a good now? sport has disappeared, because in some Todd Crosset: I think there's probably ways we've sort of joked it away-we've less. What used to be common behaviorsaid, "Oh yeah, that coach is going to teach particularly among coaches and parents my kid morals? What sort of training does around sport-! think it was more acceptthis person have? " The last remnants of able to be violent. Bobby Knight [former sports helping young people develop their basketball coach at Indiana University, fired own moral sense have disappeared. Coaches last year after grabbing a nonathlete student no longer say about their athletes, for a by the arm) seems like an anomaly now, number of reasons, "There but for the grace whereas Woody Hayes [Ohio State football of God go 1," or "That could be my kid." coach of the I970s who was violent with They've objectified athletes, they're trying players, officials, and even photographers) to rise up the ladder. You don't find too was defended [for) his tactics. I can remember as a child, parents were much more open many folks in the business of coaching who are just doing it for the love of the game, with their violence around their children. for the love of these kids. The whole sports Your [first) ques tion-is there something world has changed. We have gone forinherent-l'm not sure. A better way of profit, teams are things you can make framing this is, do we have scripts around money offof. You can have a career as sports for solving problems? We do some a coach. things in sports we don't do anyplace else, And I also think racism plays a part like drop our kid off and have another adult N ew Jersey, where he was an All American in 1972 . He coached the women's team ·at Ry der and, for 17 years , has been an offi cial f or men's college basketball and high school boys' and girls' basketball.

In the Curry Hicks A nnex, known as "the Cage," in a sunlit offi ce comf ortably cluttered with sports photos, books, and academic journals, Voice Male managing editor Michael Burke and edi- Steven Jefferson to r Rob Okun asked the two men a number of questions about the origins of male violence in sports, · its causes and some possible solutions . A n edited version of that interview foll ows:

Voice Male

here. There's a whole lot of white folks, particularly in the college ranks, coaching black folks. That connection is not there.

Who are the great moral leaders in the coaching profession anymore? I don't see a whole lot of white coaches that are good moral leaders . I see Nolan Richardson [basketball coach at Arkansas) . I see john Chaney [basketball coach at Temple), john Thompson [now retired as Georgetown basketball coach and a broadcaster; Richardson, Chaney; and Thompson are black). But you know, Dean Smith [former basketball coach at North Carolina, who is white) has retired. john Wooden [former UCLA basketball coach, who is white) has retired. Where are those coaches who said, "Let me teach you how to be a good person"? Now, we have technicians: "Let me teach you how to be a good athlete."

S]: I'm going to go back to something else that is difficult, and it needs to be discussed. It happened with the Roger Clemens/Mike Piazza thing [Clemens, pitching for the Yankees, threw a 'bat at Piazza of the Mets during the 2000 World Series) . We saw this happen in the game on TV 10 times after the event happened. The "ESPN of sport" is that we show things over and over and over again. So if you did 路 happen to miss it, you won't miss it and it will be discussed and analyzed, over and over and over again. So it's one of these things for kids where they want to be on TV-the more outrageous you are, the more you know you're going to be seen.

There's an entertainment value that goes along with violence in sport.

TC: There's ways that we're framing violence in our athletes that are racial. Roger Clemens-no one's going to say; "Oh, there goes the white people again. There goes a role model for our kids again." But Mo Vaughan drives his car into a tree and everyone goes, "My God, there goes a role model." So there's this racial thing that happens in sport that makes the penalties for an African American far more severe, and the way we frame violence as "t.heir probe lem. " VM: What connections do yo~ see between male violence in sports and the young males in the school shootings like Columbine High School?

TC: If you remember, at Columbine, [the shooters) said, "Where are the jocks?

Where are the jocks?" This was a school that really put a whole lot of emphasis on sport. The way I see it is those young people were left out. They were not the athletes, they were not high-status folks. Yet they're in a world that s;1ys guys should have 'the power, and these kids don't have the power. And, "You're white-you should be successful. " So you have this sort of white male supremacy ideology going on but then you find you're not the "right type" of white male. So what are your alternatives?. Bringing a gun to school and using it [seems like) an alternative. It's a script that young people can follow, which to me is pretty scary.

the last 30 years and he now has kids he coached 20 years ago who are young men coming back to help him coach. That's what we're talking about-some of those people within the community in which you live who still have those old values that we love, who are willing to put themselves out there and say; "OK, I will take your kid for those two hours-but you know what I'm about, because:: I've been doing this for the last 30 years. I've got a track record . .I'm not going to produce a kid who is a technician. I'm going to produce a whole human bei:ng."

[Hodge) added study halls to his football practice during the week, so now when a mother comes to see him and says, "My kid's not doing well in sch<'Jol," [he says) "We'll deal with that in study hall. Because if he do~sn't deal with it in ~tudy hall, he won't play." You don't hear about stuff like that anymore, because for the most part, if I'm coaching, if this kid can score touchdowns, I don't care what he's doing in joe DiMaggio, a different kind of Yankee clipper? school, I just want him to play.

TC: Our department [Sports Management) gives out an award for the VM: Sports used to be a training ground state of Massachusetts, the Service Beyond for young men, a socializing experience Sport Award, we're heading into our third much like the military. It's not happening as year, and we look for people who have this much now. Why? Is it primarily the racist long track record, making a difference in element, or the commodification of sports? their community, using sport in a good way; TC: It's those two things, but it's also the and we think it's the least we can do. We history of sports. Sport needed a justificacan honor those people. That's what sports tion, and it rode the coattails of physical can do. education. The whole history of physical VM: Ken O'Brien, the education is 路rife with moral UMass track coach and a stuff. The YMCA mind-bodyLittle League coach, seems spirit notion is that if you had like another examplea strong body you had a someone who is completely strong moral center, a strong selfless, just giving back. intellect. That sort of ideology Every situation he seems to has disappeared. We don't use as a teaching example think of our athletes as moralof how to be a whole ly strpng; in fact we're more human being. Yes, he likes . likely to see them as dumbto win, but he's going to go more like rock stars and by the heart, not by cutting artists. We give them license comers. He's one of those to act improperly. No longer路 people you're talking about. do we say coaches are moral S]: He's one of those old leaders. It's tied up with winNeanderthals who believe ning, performance-enhancing in these principles we've drugs, the lack of church talked about. They do exist. leagues, the lack of a mission VM:Whataboutthe in the YMCA-so a lot of issue of out-of-control dads things are contributing to this.

Lack of certification of coaches Bobby Knight, whose anger boiled at their kids' games, who get red in the face, screaming, in the state of Massachusetts- over on and off the court. even getting into fights that how much training do you cause death, as in the case of the two hockneed to be a coach of public-school kids in ey dads last year here in Massachusetts?

Massachusetts? Zero. It's a shame, because Whose responsibility is this, and what do no one knows young people like coaches we do about it? do. They know them ln a way that's emoSJ: They shouldn't go [to the games) . If tional, that's intense, that's very intimate, you cannot go to an organized sporting and it's an opportunity lost. We need more 路 event for your kid without yelling and good men in coaching. screaming and not being able to be posiVM : So who's talking about these issues tive-you shouldn't go! You should stay the in a constructive way? Who are the "good hell home. Because sport, in the essence men," the role models, and who's walking that I like to think about it, is an opportunithe talk? ty for that kid to go out there and test himSJ :, There was a thing on Channel 40 [in self with a bunch of other kids and not have Springfield, Mass.) yesterday about all that craziness, all that negative self-talk ex-Vietnam vet Thomas Hodge, who works for the black ex-POWs in Springfield. He's continued on page 22 been coaching football in Mason Square for

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Can Men Have Friends? ale friendships are not like female friendships: men are not as likely to have' confidants as they are to have play mates . . . . I sometimes think that if men didn't talk to women, they might not talk to any body: they might go through life telling dirty jokes and quoting baseball statistics to one another. But sometimes there is something that a man needs to reveal, needs to talk over with another man, and there may be no man available to him. Sometimes, manhood is lonely. ... Loneliness is what it costs a man to be true to his code of masculinity. Many such men, under the sway of the masculine mystique, lead shockingly lonely lives.

Pyschotherapist Frank Pittman from his book, Man Enough

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In the Oct./Nov. 2000 issue of Men Talk, the newsletter of The Men's Center in Minneapolis, there was an article entitled "Men Have Buddies, But No Real Friends,"

by Richard Cohen. The article begins: My friends have ,no friends . They are men.

They think they have friends, and if you ask them whether they have friends, they will say y es, but they don't really. They think, for instance, tha.t I'm their friend, but I'm not. m OK. They're not my friends, either.

The reason for that is that we are all men-and men, I have come to believe, cannot or will not have real friends. They have something else-companions, buddies, pals, chums, someone to drink with and someone to wench with and someone to lunch with, but no one when it comes to saying how they feel-<specially how they hurt.

Is that portrait of men's friendships accurate? Are men really incapable of having meaningful friendships with other men? Some heterosexual men report that they have more and deeper friendships with women-but that can sometimes get tricky, mixed up with romance and sexual attraction. But is this just a problem faced by straight men? White men? Do gay men "do" male friendship any better? Do men from non-white cultures have a different experience? What do women think about this issue? We asked four people-an African American man, a gay man, a college age man, and a woman-to weigh in on some of those questions, and their stories fo llow. Of course, their voices aren't the only voices and this article isn't the definitive word , by any means. It is part of an ongoing process we hope you will join. We welcome your response.

-The Editors

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Men Do Have Re路al Friends

By Allan Arnaboldi

To the question, "Can men only be "buddies," not "real friends"? I had two initial reactions: a great deal of sadness for the fellow who had written it, as well as for the many men he was pro.bably accurately representing, !lnd a wonderful sense of gratitude for the special men who have blessed my life with their friendships.

When I recall my childhood and youth, I mostly had female friends and was not particularly close to any males. I was atademically focused, not aggressive at all, and definitely not stereotypically "masculine." However, many girls wrote in my yearbook that I was the "nicest boy" they knew and that I "listened really well."

That last phrase is telling. I still am an attentive, curious, thoughtful listener.

Since that time, I have also come out as a gay father and a gay elementary school teacher. In the intervening years I have done a lot of sharing about the feelings , good and bad, and especially the pain that accompanied them, both with caring female and male friends, gay and straight alike. There were many years in my life when I was not able to be vulnerable , particularly with male "friends," for fear that I would be laughed at or excluded and end up alone.

When I was about 30; my wife and daugHter and I moved to a new community where I was temporarily out of work. To break out of my isolation, I sought out a men's center and became part of a men's group. That was the start of making and being a "real friend ," because we took more risks to be路 vulnerable and turned to one another for support and emotional nurturance. That was where I met my first openly gay male friend , but also where I found straight men who accepted me in spite of the scary feelings I was sharing.

Over the years I have been blessed with gay and straight male friends who value me for articulating and showing my feelings. By sharing my vulnerability, they often have opened up to me about some of their very private feelings and validated me for my ability to be compassionate.

Openness does have some drawbacks at times. I think my openness to my feelings sometimes scares away a gay man whom I am interested in as a potential relationship

partner, or separates me from a gay man who might be interested in me, because he does not seem to be willing to be more vulnerable.

It has taken me many years to learn how to develop close friendships with males. It has brought many joys and pains along the way, but I would not give up this deeper connection with those men (and women too). It helps me to know myself better, to know those people better, to be more emotionally and physically healthy, and to experience more of the highs as well as lows of my life. If you haven't experienced it, I highly recommend trying to be and to develop "real'friends," instead of just "buddies."

Allan Amaboldi is an elementary school teacher in Amherst, Mass. , and a volunteer facilitator in the Mens Resource Centers support group for gay, bisexual, and questioning men.

Men and Friendship: A Woman Speaks

By Sara Elinoff When it comes to men's friendships with each other, I've seen both sides of the spectrum.

Some of the men I know personally have incredibly close friendships with other men, and have made those friendships a priority in their lives. Most of these men tend to identify with new paradigms of masculinity and, in some fundamental way, with the men's movement. Often, they belong to men's groups, go to men's workshops and have invested considerable time and resources in exploring how they've been affected by the stereotyped masculinity they were raised with. The truth is I feel safe with these men , because I know they've done their work examining both their own sexism and the way they've been hurt by sexism.

I think my perspective on men's friendships is not a typical one because I work at the Men's Resource Center, where deep friendship among men is part of the organizational culture. It's not at all uncommon to see men of all sexual orientations embracing, or to watch a man break down into tears when sharing something painful from his personal life. Seeing the warmth and closeness between my male colleagues never makes me feel left out as a woman.

Instead I feel like I can bask in the glow of these men's bonds with one ano ther.

In my work co-facilitating a Men Voice Male

Overcoming Violence (MOVE) group, I work with men who are not at all accus, tomed to having intimate and vulnerable friendships with other men. For many of these men, their participation in a MOVE group marks the first time they've ever discussed anything deepLy personal with , other men . It's a risky thing for them to do .

I watch men who are ne\V to the program hold back for a while. You can almost hear them wondering, "Is this safe? Am I going to get ridiculed or put down if I say too much? " But slowly, over time, the ice melts. Week after week, as the group 1 probes deeply into behaviors and attitudes that these men have used to hurt others, I see the walls starting to come down. I see the men learning how to really listen to , one another instead of competing with e each other. I see them owning their fears and insecurities, instead of just posturing.

I see them beginning to take some .real risks, to disclose shameful behaviors.

When they finally understand they are somewhere where they won't be punished for getting real, and where one man confronting another is experienced as a caring challenge rather than as an invitation to a brawl, I know real connection among men is possible.

For these men, their group experience might be the beginning of having a completely different kind of friendship with other men. When it comes to domestic abuse, the implications for this potential change are significant. I believe that men who are isolated from one another and from the world, who hide behind the "tough guy" shield, who , in their relationships, don't know how to process their hurt, confusion, and anger in a healthy way, are at a much greater risk for being y, abusive to women. As a consequence, it's in everyone's best interests, including women's, for men to develop real and meaningful friendships wi ~h each other. i-

Sara Elino.ff is co-director of the Men's Resource Center's Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program.

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"I Don't Have Buddies.

I Only Have Friends."

By George Moonlight Davis

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To· me, a buddy is just a guy you go to a sports bar with to watch a game, to yell at the TV and say, "Hey! Another beer for so-and-so here! \' I refuse to have buddies.

I refuse to even go there ever again. To have buddies is to support a lifestyle that doesn't

work. It's easy to be there, it's easy to keep doing it, but ultimately it doesn't work.

Men in my circle, who are trying to work on their lives, knO\\' how important it is to have real honest-to-God friends , men who will tell them the truth when necessary. That's not about buddies, that's about friendship .

The old-style man didn't have friends .

They wouldn't show who they really are. I work in city,hall, so I recognize there are a number of males who still have the "buddy mentality,'~ but by and large, men I know are opening the doors to friendship .

Friendship means you tell people the truth, and you also get a chance to see by their reactions how open and responsive they are to you. It's a two-way street. I ch? ose my friends by how they and I interact.

If you and I are friends , our friendship is based on the truth that exists between us, the honesty that I bring, the realness I get from you. My realness is only half of the whole enchilada; the other half is your truth, your realness. That's an established behavior' between t,wo males who are friends--and it's not based on how often you see them, but how each of you reacts to the other.

My friendship with you is what I !;>ring to you. I come to you open; I aon't come to everyone open, but I attempt to . Let me be as open and honest as I can possibly be.

Then the onus of that falls on you. If someone shies away from me, or they're not able to be.as open and honest with me, then it's 1a one-way thing. But when that individual relates with me in a way that's open and honest for them, there's a different attitude than just being "buddies."

The difference between buddies and friends is that buddies you <lrop like a hot potato-if anything goes wrong, it's goodbye. Friends you hold on to for as long as you can, and you try to work it out, whatever happens.

As an African-American man, I'm sensitive to the cpncems and problems of other African-American males. But.the minute you begin to bring cultural stuff into this, you get into different energies. I take other African-American men with a clear understanding that they may not be where I am with this. I assess whether it's worth it to continue the process toward friendshipit's always worth it in a sense, but there's limits to my time and energy. I really would like other African-American men to be more in tune with me on this, so I wouldn't feel so alone. But I am prone to give African-American men more room and time than other men,-not often, not many, and not always in a noticeable way, but it's there.

I think white men are ahead of most black men in this kind of friendship. But I have less patience with white men-there's no excuse. The handwriting is on the wall, and it's in the language that white men know. Black men can still' say, "I don't know if I can trust you ." That's understandable to me, based on their personal and historical experience, and especially · when I'm dealing with older black men , I'm sensitive to that. But if a relatively privileged whit.e male in a progressive community finds that he has only buddies, not friends , h!'!'s missed something in his life.

Somebody's got to pull his coat. · The way I give myself_:that's how I come. I come open , and people have to accept me for who I am. I only show up in the friendship syndrome, not in the buddy syndrome. This is where your heart comes in-people may think you're an asshole, or they may not understand you, but that's OK. You've got to be who you are. And you've got to have real friends.

Former Men's Resource Center office manager George Moonlight Davis works as a computer programmer for the City of Holyoke, Mass., and is also a musician, photographer, and writer. Several of his autobiographical pieces have appeared previously in Voice Male. ~·1 Am Close to Other Men. My Best Friends Are Men."

By Michael Milov I am close to other men. My best friends are men. I am able to share my innermost feelings and thoughts with my best friends. As a straight college age man, I am ' glad to be able to share my current perspective on men and friendship .

One of my closest friends, Dave , describes a defining factor in the rel~tionships we value: that is, our friends are "on the level. " For me , that means we are able to speak frankly, cut through·the bull, and relate to each other. When I frame my definition like this, it almost sounds like an intellectual arrangement. On the contrary, I think thete is a tremendous amount of compassion and emotional openness involved. And it is only through retrospection that I caine to look at it in this way: Unlike Richard Cohen in "Men Have Buddies, but No Real Friends," I have actually found it more difficult to forge meaningful and long-lasting friendships with women. It seems that I have only been this close with women in the context continued on page 2 7

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Domestic Violence in Siberia

Coming in from the Cold By juan Carlos Arean sesses is an ability to approach family viohe statistics are staggering: 12,000 lence in a comprehensive, multidisciplidomestic violence murders in nary fashion. Project Harmony follows Russia in 1999 alone. This transthat model , bringing in a team of lates into 32 killings every single day. If Americans specializing in different you spent 45 minutes reading this magaasp.ects of the problem and presenting a zine, one more victim would be dead by collaborative approach. The specialists are the time you finished. Russia is a country brought twice within a y'ear to the same of 150 million people. By contrast, the community to offer intensive training to United States, with 281 million inhabilocal professionals. Once completed, tants, experienced fewer than 2,000 Project Harmony helps to create a coalidpmestic violence murders in that same tion of existing and potential DV service year. Not surprisingly, in both countries providers. the great majority of perpetrators, about I was fortunate enough to be included 93 percent, were men. in a team of men and women who ate not Are Russian men "by nature" more only highly accomplished professionals, violent than American men? Probably but also wonderful, fun travel compann().t. In fact, 25 years ago U.S. numbers ions-an important factor when you are .were much higher than today. So what togeti;J.er to the opposite side of the flying has changed? For one, the critically planet. The team included Donastacia important efforts of Bergeron, who has activist women and worked with battered battered women have women for 15 years raised awareness about and directs an excepdomestic violence to )~~:jj'(} 'tiona!, holistic prounprecedented levels gram called Lapis in in this country. In Fitchburg, Mass. ; addition, little by litDoreen Gallagher, a tle, private and public DV victims' advocate resources have been in the Brookline, allocated to target the 路 Mass ., police departproblem. Although ment who also runs a services are chronicalvery successful proly underfunded, many gram for adolescent communities in the perpetrators based in United States now the local high school; have domestic vioThe author with Project Harmony Russian staff Tanya Karpiak, an assislence programs of some in Jrkutsll, Russia. tant district attorney in sort, for both victims the Boston area, of Ukrainian ancestry and perpetrators. Moreover, it has become and with an incredible knowledge of the clear that nobody can do this work in isoRussian legal system; Shawn McDermott, lation and expect to solve a problem of a gentle, soulful police sergeant in such magnitude. Collaboration is essenWestbrook, Maine; and Ed Cronin, fortial to succeed. mer chief of police in Gardner, Mass., and 路 In Russia it's a different story, and the the caring director of the program that work is just beginning. I know because ran the training. last October, I had the opportunity to We all lived, worked, and played side visit Moscow and the Siberian cities of by side in environments both new and Irkutsk and Ulan-Ude as part of a team of exciting. We spent most of our time in American specialists invited to conduct Irkutsk, a beautiful city of 800,000 and 16 days of workshops and trainings on the capital of Eastern Siberia. We visited domestic violence. The trip was organized sacred Baikal, the deepest lake in the by the Vermont-based organization world and, like the Galapagos Islands, a Project Harmony, which has been doing closed ecosystem with more than 200 citizen exchanges with the former Soviet endemic animal and plant species. This Union since 1985. Their Domestic exquisite lake covers the same surface as Violence Community Partnership Lake Superior, but carries as much water Trainil}g Program is based on the premise as all five Great Lakes together-one fifth . that one of the great assets the U.S. posof the world's fresh water!

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An aspect of the program I .appreciated most was that the trainings were collaborations with our hosts. In other words, we did not go with the attitude that we Americans have 'all the answers and if the Russians would just do what we do, they'd be fine. Ed Cronin encouraged us to come wi~ humility, respect, understanding, and a willingness to be educated. In some regard, I feel that I ended up receiving much more than I was able to give.

The schedule was heavy. We did two to three presentations every day to diverse audiences, including school psychologists, social workers, educators, university students, police, lawyers, judges, and-staff from different Russian women's crisis centers. Most working days lasted 10 hours, ending with a bountiful Russian meal where the topics of the day were further discussed with our hosts. All presentations were done in English with wonderful, reliable Russian translators.

In general, I found a sophisticated understanding of domestic violence among Russians. I started many presentations by asking the audience whanheir definition of domestic violence was, and in most cases they responded that it fnvolved one family member trying to impose his or her will over the others.

Everyone seemed to clearly understand that abuse is not only physical, but can be emotional, psychological, and sexual as well.

Most audie.nc.es required some kind of introduction to the way perpetrators of domestic violence are viewed in the United States. Specifically, they were interested in the fact that such crimes aren't seen as cases of individual psychological pathology, but rather as a cultural and societal problem. And, as a consequence, that the U.S. approach with perpetrators is to offer not therapy per se, but education.

My biggest professional challenge was to answer questions about how to implement services in Russia. The country's financial resources are far fewer and its legal system less responsive than in the United States. Fortunately, I was able to use my experience working in Mexico, a country with similar economic and legal conditions. As an example, I brought up the case of the first batterers' intervention program in Mexico City, CORIAC, which, with minimal resources and without referVoice Male

rals from the judicial system, has managed to serve 800 clients over the last seven years (see "Coming Home in a New Way: Mens Work in Mexico," Voice Male Winter 2001) . I also mentioned that most domestic violence services in the United States st~rted with minimal funding and with no governmental support whatso ever. ln fact, batterers' intervention programs in Massachusetts have been largely financed by fees paid by participants a_nd did not receive any state funding until just a few years ago. The development of services is a process , I said, and a coordinated community response did not spring · up overnight in the United States.

Another professional challenge was being approached by individual women in abusive relationships looking for support. My contract made it clear that I could not offer direct services, but I tried at least to refer them to appropriate res9urces. The problem was that services in Russia are very limited. There are very few shelters; none in Siberia. Restraining orders do not exist, and the legal system tends to be insensi.tive to victirn5' needs, often re-victimizing them. I know of only one program for perpetrators in the whole country It was frustrating to feel that there was not mucli to be offered besides a call to the crisis center or a referral to a psychologist who might or

Looking to conneut?

Try the MRC's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS IN NORTHAMPTON Open to all men.

Every Tuesday at HCAC, 218 State St., 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt. · IN AMHERST Open to all men.

Every Sunday evening at the MRG, 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

FOR GAY, BISEXUAL, AND . QUESTIONING MEN Every Monday evening at the MRC, 7-9 PM. FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE ~ND TRAUMA Every Friday evening at the MRC, 7-8:30 p.m.

might not be trained to handle domestic violence cases.

Obviously, the need for future programs in Irkutsk and Russia is great.

Outreach and educational programs will be necessary to bring the problem of domestic violence and sexual assault to the forefront of public discourse. Laws have to be modified and adequately enforced. Victims' services have to be expanded to include 24-hour hotl'ines and women's shelters. And programs for teen and adult perpetrators have to be established. It's hard to say what the most pressing priorities are, since all of these elements work as a system in the U.S. On the positive side, there are individuals and programs that, given the appropriate resources, would be ready to be trained to start a batterers' intervention program in ' Irkutsk, both for adults and adolescen~ .

Such a program would be one of the first of its kind in Russia and ·could serve as a model for the rest of the country.

At a personal level, working in Siberia helped me to understand further that, despite cultural differences, in essence all human beings are alike. Most of us want

to be able to live a reasonably peaceful and loving existence and are Willing to give as much as we receive to fulfill these desires. I found Russian people to be generous, warm, and extremely welcoming.

We all stayed with Russian families instead of in hotels, and my hosts made every effort to make me feel at home.

They also fed me as if I. had not eaten for the previous year!

I am proud to have helped to make a difference in the way the people of Irkutsk will now approach the problem of domestic violence. I have made new, wonderful friends , both in Russia and the United States. By the end of the training we were all feeling' like one large: happy · family. Mos't importa,ntly I had the satisfaction of seeing the concerned and committed citizens of Irkutsk come together, put their differences aside, to form a viable coalition to continue working on this problem. I wish them udacha (the best of luck) . juan Carlos Arean directs. the Mens f Resource Centers new Immigrants and Refugees program.

IS THI_S YOU?

·o

Do you control what she does, and whom she sees and talks to?

If you can answer "Yes" to fJ1!Y of these questions, you may have _a problem with · abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, you can learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We. can help ...before it's too late.

0

Have you ever made angry or threatening gestures toward her?

MOVE

0

Have you ever verbally threatened her?

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE

Cl Have you ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions in anger?

Serving Hanrpden, Ha1!1pshire & Franklin Counties

0

Have you ever hit or slapped her or the children?

0

Do you tell her It's "her fault" that you behave the way you do?

Amherst: (413) 253-9588 Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Gredljield: (413) 773-8181 Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

CJ Do you call your wife or girlfriend names?

CJ Do you put her down and make her feel bad about _ herself.?

0

Are you extremely jeal~us?

FREE-FACILITATED-CONFIDENTIAL · 236 NORTH PLEASANT STREET, 'A MHERST· (413) 25 3.-9887

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路 Fathering

------------------------By Rob Okun Young Role Models

Teen Fathers Caring for Their Children and Themselves face and a gentle manner, it's clear Jimerson loves what he's doing and loves the young men.

In the middle of February he brought four of them to a gathering of professionals who work with families who have children from infancy to age five . Some "I see my baby every day even though currently run or just started running I'm no longer with the babys mother. We're young fathers groups; others want to a family even though we're not together. " learn how. The three dozen people who Marco, 17, sat in the spacious meeting room in the father of a nine-month-old public library in Amherst sipped juice and coffee and nibbled danish and bagels. ather. Say the word and no doubt a B11t all were rapt with attention while flood of images come to mind. For Jimerson invited the young dads to share most of us, though, among those stories of life with baby. images are probably not the faces of 16-or "I grew up without a father, " one teen 17-year-old boys. But like the word mothdad said. "He wasn't available, even er probably not conjuring up the faces of though he was around. Nothing I did was teertage girls, they're ,..,---.,-=,...,-----..,-,,.,..,-~=-----., ever good enough for there-babies being him. Me, I'm going to brought into the be there for my daughworld by kids themter and accept her selves. And while completely. Having a appropriate, serious child woke me up. I attention has been used to be on the placed on providing streets all the time. support and services The streets are nothfor -young moms-and ing. Having a child has there is still plenty to matured me." do路beyond teenage Holyoke can be a 1 pregnancy prevenrough and tumble tion-less attention town; in the neighborhas been paid to teen hoods the quartet of dads. Slowly that's teen fathers inhabit, changing, thanks to drugs and guns are innovative work being commonplace. At the done in a variety of same time, there is a communities around the country. dedicated network working hard to build community and improve life in the city.

In one western Massachusetts city, Holyoke, young fathers are finding an Young fathers' groups are a part of those outlet to learn about and understand their creative efforts. role by following a simple formula: Sit In the beginning it was a stretch for together with other teen dads in a comthe guys to ~ctually show up at the group. fortable group room at the offices of the Jimerson's co-facilitator, Ramon Suarez, Massachusetts Society for the Prevention recruited many of the young fathers , in of Cruelty to Children (MSPCC) . And many cases picking them up before the 路 once there, share what's going on in your group and driving them home afterwards. life. It's as simple and as challenging Once they get there, though, it's a teen as that. father space. As one put it, "It's the only place to be with a bunch of guys to talk For the past year, around dozen young fathers have been meeting in a about our kids." group facilitated by a man named Mark Another young father said, "We talk Jimerson, a social worker who is program about everything-our relationships, how to act during an argument, how to talk director of the MSPCC's Healthy Families program, a collaboration between his calm with your baby's mother, how to be agency and the Children's Trust Fund, a a better father, discipline_:_ everything." statewide advocacy organization based in At the gathering in Amherst, one Boston. A soft-spoken man with a kind young dad, a former gang member, talked "I didn't want to be someone who gets a girlfriend pregnant and leaves . I wanted to do better than that." jonathan, 19, father of a 10-month-old

F

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about the legacy his gang involvement might have on his child's safety. "I don't go out a lot because members of the gang might see me and come after me. I'd just like to go to the park with my daughter safely, without having to worry I'm going to get shot. " Many of the fathers are eyeing education as a way out of the rougher part of their lives, feeling more motivated to get a GED and move to better digs, motivated in large measure because of their babies.

And all have plenty to say to their younger brothers and their friends who act cocky talking about girlfriends, -sexual activity and their invincibility 'when it comes to pregnancy and fatherhood.

"Wait! " the older teen dads say, as if in a chorus. "You're too young. You don't know what you're getting into. Have children when you're more mature." It's advice they agree they wish they had heard. But if they had heard and heeded it, they might not have learned what they are learning now about fatherhood , manhood, and children. They might not have learned about being real with other guys, about being committed to your child even if you and the baby's mother are now apart.

Sometimes people find themselves in the presence of a social transformation so powerful its impact is impossible to ignore. For many of those who witnessed the panel of teenage fathers' morning of truth telling, it was clear that important social change was happening. One of the professionals at the gathering is a male Head Start childcare worker who was obviously impressed with at least one of the teen panelists, a 19-year-old who spends a lot of time taking care of his baby. "Have you ever considered working as a day care worker or at a Head Start?" he asked. "We need more men doing this work." The young man's eyes lit up with interest. When the panel broke up he went over to Jimerson, the group facilitator. "Who is that guy?" he asked. "You think I could really get a job like that? I'd really like to. I really would. " Father. The next time you hear that word maybe a different image will come to mind, one that includes the face of a young man taking care of his baby and himself.

Voice Male

By Stephan Paul Theberge

Voices of Youth

The Crossroads of Race, Class and Gender

Working Against the

W

en a few friends and I decided to tart the Prison Book Project, a group which sends books free to inmates across the country, I had no idea of the impact it would have on my life, and how it would challenge and shift the political and social norms I had been operating. under. Because of the nature of the work, and who is in prison, doing direct work with prisoners forced me to confront and engage my preconceptions and prejudices, as a young white male, in a very real and con- · structive way. This process has continued and grown as I have moved from the Pioneer Valley in Massachusetts to New York City, where I am now on the organizing committee of Critical Resistance East: Beyond the Prison Industrial Complex, a regional community-based coalition.

I work for prison abolition because, to my mind, there is no other issue facing modem American society that cuts so deeply · across the lines of race, class, and gender that are so prevalent in our lives; because I believe that if we want to be effective in our work on any of these issues, we must recognize the intrinsic connection between .them.

I work for prison abolition because of the raw, visceral emotion that comes from seeing pictures of the victims of police brutality; from hearing the mother of Amadou Diallo crying for her son, shot to death by police as he stood unarmed outside his apartment; from reading interviews with prisoners talking about their lives. I do this work because I believe it is vital for us all-and especially for young people as active elements in social change-to be consistently and actively engaging in resistance to the growth of state racism, power, and repression. It's vital for me.

In the past few years, on the streets of Philadelphia and Washington, D.C., in latenight meetings in Massachusetts, New York, and everywhere in between, I have seen a movement grow and expand. This is a move- · ment that operates on a multitude of levels-from sending books to prisoners to mass civil disobedience--confro~ting the problem in all of its manifestations: structural, cultural, and political. This is exactly· what I find exciting about it.

Yet the work can also bring up fear. As with redefining gender roles and confronting racism , to call into question the "prison industrial complex" is to call into question the methods of our economy, our educational system, our police, media, and many other aspects of our culture. Prisons, and their products, both physical and emotional, have :worked their way into many spheres of our

'~Prison

Industrial Complex"

lives. In the marketplace, Victoria's Secret and Microsoft (among many others) use prison labor to produce their goods; families are destroyed by overly harsh and discriminatory sentencing in our justice system; and even our democratic process is threatened as prisoners in every state except two lose their right to vote. And we need look no further than the demographics of our prisons to discover how central an issue racism is in the punishment industry: One in three AfricanAmerican males is involved in the criminal "in-justice system" right now; while African Am~ricans overall comprise around 13 percent of the general population, they constitute 70 percent of the prison population.

As pro-feminist men, we say we are com.mit ted to breaking the "cycle of violence."

And so we should be. The question for us, then, is how to create the shift in consciousness in each generation, so that the patterns of violence we have all been exposed to are not passed down to our children. This shift

must occur on. the interpersonal and family level , to be sure, in the realm of domestic abuse and other violent acts.

But we must also expose, and oppose, the cycle of state violence that manifests itself in police brutality, the "war on drugs," and the punishment industry: Without a holistic understanding of how oppression operates in our society-and in particular through our prisons and police-we will be left forever treating the symptoms of oppression, and not curing the illness.

Stephan Paul Theberge, originally from Amherst, Mass ., is a freshman at Columbia· University. Last fall he was one of the winners of the Challenge and Change Awards, given by the Mens Resource Center: Voice Male welcomes ideas for and contributions to this column by and for young men.

IS THIS SOMEONE YOU KNOW? If you can answer "Yes" to 0

Does he call his wife or girlfriend names?

Q

Does he put her down and make her feel bad about herself?

Q

Is he extremely jealous?

Q

Does he control what she does, and whom she sees and talks to?

Q

Has he ever made angry or threatening gestures toward her?

a

Has he ever verbally threatened her?

Q

Has he ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions In anger?

Q

Has he ever hit or slapped her or the children?

Q

Does he tell her It's "her faulf' that he behaves the wayhedoes?

any of these questions, yotir, friend or family member may have a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, he can learn to change.

Encourage him to call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one.of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late.

MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE Serving Hampden, Hampshire . & Prank/in Counties Amherst: (413) 253-9588 Sprintfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 .Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

APROC:.RAMOFTHE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS

Spring 2001 - - - - - - ; - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 15

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By Carl Erikson

Gay & Bisexual Voices

Coming Out:

nes ost men in our culture share a fundamental life experience usually assigned only to gay men: they live in the closet. They live by the rules and expectations made by others, and they refuse to live who they really are, fully and freely. They play the roles and speak the words and hopes dumped on them, even though their spirits twist uncomfortably and they secretly dream of "doing it my way." Social conventions, media and corpo-路 rate powers, and the judgments of friends and family constantly, and only sometimes unconsciously, conspire to keep the closet door closed tightly on each man. Wielding enormous prizes and punishments, they succeed in convincing everyone that the Male Closet, that single definition of approved masculinity, is natural, normal, the way nature-or even God-made men, the only way a man can be a man.

Gay men say it's homophobia that keeps them in the closet. Other men say it's "them"-their bosses, wives , family, peers, the media, and "common sense." Both groups of men point to the punishments that would certainly be visited on them if they were to even try breaking down the closet door-loss of job, loss of family, humiliation, rejection by friends, abuse of various kinds, loss of their Maleness-as reason enough to swallow their frustrations and pride and stay in the closet.

Yet no man truly lives until he finds and expresses his individual masculinity: Since this is the antithesis of the closet, this is precisely what "they" won't let him do.

Individuality is a threat to almost all of the powers in our society because it sees through the sleight of hand and the lies by which these powers maintain the control they exercise, the closet they've built around men, and the wealth and well-being they exact from them. Individual masculinity will also show a man that he does not need to depend on these powers to have the satisfying life he wants; its there in the world for each man to build on his own with other individual men and women. A truly individual male will mai<e choices for his own reasons, to achieve his own desires, not to placate the powers that daily construct his closet, nor to plead for favors from them, and certainly not to keep these powers in control of his life.

Any man can come out of the closet. He will start pushing on the walls and door of

M

16

Not for Gay Men Only his closet for his own reasons. These reasons can be anything, but they will be fundamental to the unique individual that man feels he is. They may be the nature of his love object, or a passion of his intellect or creativity, a spiritual certainty or inspiration, an ungovernable determination to achieve something or attempt something, or merely a refusal to be untrue to himself one more time. Whatever it is, the closet forbids it, and at last he finds that prohibition intolerable. He will break the closet down in order to live a life that satisfies him deeply and gives each day real purpose and choice. He will do it in order to end the tensions, disconnections, and unhappiness he has to cope with in the closet.

"Coming out" is all about demonstrating the right to be who you are, about respe'cting and honoring your Self thoroughly and consistently. It makes no difference whether ' that Self talks initially about where you want to live, or what you want to work at, or how you want to wear your hair, or how you want to express your sexuality, or what your passions are, or what political or economic ideas you want to preach, or the way you want to spend your money. The heart and soul of coming out is to choose as you, in the de"epest, most truthful fiber of your being, want to choose, for the reasons that best express who you feel you are.

Gay men who have come out have much to share with their closeted fellow men, gay or straight, and can offer much support to any man who wants to break out of his particular closet. Gay men can talk about the confusions and agonies of the coming-out process, the enormous waves of doubt and gloom that will try to swamp the effort. They can point out the stepping stones that are secure and those that will tip a man off a useful path. They can point a man in directions where he can find safety and encouragement.

Gay men have been there. They can help a man find the clues and tests to assure himself that he is finding his real Self. They can show him where and how to learn to express those pieces free from attack and punishment. They can show him by their very existence that leaving the closet is not a step into an abyss but a step into real living. They can lend an arm and a shoulder I. to support a man in the very vulnerable space between leaving the old and gaining mastery over the new.

Gay men can encourage and gently push a man to fully experience and explore the limitless choices and possibilities outside of his closet. They can share the mans joy in the marvels he discovers and samples there . They can help him fight off the internal and external forces that will work strenuously to stuff him back into his closet.

The people who built a man's closet will claim that the expectations and prohibitions contained within it are valid and reasonable and that the man is selfish, stupid, immoral, or insane-or, most damnable of all, not Male-for even thinking of breaking out. Gay men can give the man invaluable aid against these arguments by constantly assuring him that he is none of these things and that hes doing exactly what's useful and beneficial. Most important, they will assure the man that he, his real Self, is more important and more true than any rule, theory, expectation, or demand that makes up the closet built around him.

Each man will use his coming out for his own particular passion and purpose.

When he lives his individual masculinity beside other individual men, we will no longer have "mono-men" trying to play the single Male role, but "multi-men" expressing the enormous range of masculinity, of male humans being who they are. These men will share a respec t and honor for each male Self and an intent to keep their Selves lively and productive. Far from being strictly a gay man's struggle, coming out is really about being an individual man, a human male being himself.

Carl Erikson is the Mens Resource Center's director of operations, and a writer and textile artist. 路

Northampton Pride March May 5, 2001

Voiye Male

GBQ Resources

The last Sunday of each month March 25~ April 29~ May Noon - 2 p.m.

The MRC will provide bagels, cream cheese, and coffee.

Pot-luck dishes are welcome.

For Information: 413 253-9887 Paul Entis ext. 15

27 At-~

MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER A MALE-POSITIVE. PRO-FEMINIST. GAY-AFFIRMATIVE. ANTI-RACIST ORGANIZATION 236 N . PLEASANT STREET. AMHERST

Spring 2001 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - : - - - - - - ----'- 17

Pornography's Manipulation of Men

By Anonymous

( ··•·!

n

ish my husband had stayed connected to he support group for male survivors of hildhood abuse or neglect offered by the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts. If he had I think our marriage might have survived. He was learning to be honest while he attended those meetings, but jell back to old pafterns of behavior and mistreatment of me when he stopped attending. I read Voice Male regularly, and doing so allows me to imagine what a wonderful man might have been uncovered at last. I miss him even" though I never got to know him .. .

Sexual addiction, and the lies that concealed it for more than eight and half years , destroyed my marriage, uprooted the security of my children, tore apart family and friend relationships, and to this day causes emotional pain so deep that it seems like only a knife could dig it out of the root of my soul. And the "drug" of the addiction was the visual stimuli that bore its way into my ex-husband's once admitted and described fantasy sexual life-including imagery of using (raping?) girls and women. He lived from masturbation session to masturbation session every day, and the lack of intimacy I experienced with him he blamed on my having "trust issues," claiming they were "the cau~e of our marital problems. n The stimuli came in the form of Internet porn, porn magazines and videos, "peeping-Tom" activities on female friends and associates , and, when materials were scarce (because of the need to hide the activities), nudity scenes in R rated movies.

Even the lingerie pages from Victoria's Secret,]. Crew,JC Penney, and Ames department store catalogs and flyers sufficed as pornographic material. One might think I am speaking about a 12-year-old boy when I mention flyers and catalogs , but in fact I am speaking about a 45-yearold man.

The reality is that it was the abusive behaviors, deceptions and manipulative techniques he employed to ,keep me in the dark about his activities that ended our marriage. This was due, in part, to his inability to come to terms with the childhood sexual and physical abuse he experienced from a woman caregiver. His resulting hatred for women was carried ·into adulthood and into our marriage. My experience compels me to decry the world-wide acceptance of misogyny as it plays into

18

pornography and mass media, and leads to my firm conviction: pornography also harms men!

Don't get me wrong: I see, and experience personally, plenty of harm to women and children as a result of pornography and a media that displays female sexuality as fair "game" material. As a survivor, I feel its sting each and every day. But it's harder, I believe, for anyone to accept an ideology that lays the blame at his or her own feet.

Virtually every discussion I have regarding pornography, be it with a man or a woman, results in trite arguments that "Men are hard-wired differently than women"; "Men can't help it, they're visual creatures"; "Men have different sex needs; it doesn't mean they don't care for you just because they get visually stimulated by another woman/image ... " The point I can't seem to get across is that these kinds of statements are,degrading and disrespectful to men.

I'd like to believe that men are far more capable of understanding and experiencing sexual intimacy than a horny dog who~ll hump any legs it encounters that smell good. But if men truly are no more capable of emotional and sexual intimacy than · horny dogs, then truly we are doomed as a

The use and display of women and girls for the sake of satisfying some unquenchable, God-given, undeniable, animalistic-driven sexual "need" completely negates and detaches a man from his innate ability and human right to experience intimacy-a basic, emotional need. species.

I consider myself a radical anti-pornography-based feminist, but I almost never admit that out loud because of the stigma of "man hater" that such an identity conjures. It inevitably destroys any credibility of my theories. I don't hate men. I do, however, have a widely encompassing feeling that most men have been shafted big time by the concept of male sexual privilege.

The use and display of women and girls for the sake of satisfying some unquenchable, God-given, undeniable, animalisticdriven sexual "need" completely negates and detaches a man from his innate ability and human right to experience intimacya basic, emotional need. It relegates him to an animal level and gives no credence to his higher state of being, intellectual ability, or spiritual potential. And that is a sad plight.

On one hand, society accepts and encourages men to be in control, to use sexuality as a form of power. On the other, we act surprised and cry out against the frightening levds of domestic violence, rape and murders being perpetrated primarily by men against women, children, gay men and women, or any person who is "different," and thus "weaker" than the all. supreme, sexually powerful white male.

Could it be that the emotional emptiness, the lack of human connection through deeply intimate experiences with another person, is a root cause of these horrible crimes? Is it that fear of being emotionally vulnerable, which is so unacceptable for men to experience, that leads to broken marriages, destroyed childhoods, fractured families and scattered friendships? That's what I believe.

That the by-product of frenzied obsessive sexual behaviors has an addictive drug-like effect on the brain is documented (see The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity website www.ncsac.org'article.htm for information and additional resources). In the world of pornography and media-enhanced sexual violence, this addiction is fed spoonful by dripping spoonful as blatant as a frat boy being encouraged to empty a keg to the point of alcohol poisoning. Sure, maybe it's funny to everyone around him, maybe it bonds him to his club members but it sure ain't pretty when he kills himself or someone else when he drives home after the . party. .

When I see a movie like Hollow Man , which presents the concept of being able to sexually assault, and even kill, a woman who cannot see her perpetrator, and portrays violence as titillating sexual fodder for en.tertainment, I become outraged. I am outraged, not only because of the harm it does to women, but because it equates sexual intimacy for men as inadequacy, and complete sexual dominance (and violence . to achieve it) as pleasurable and desirable.

That hurts and disrespects men as much as it does women. Plain and simple, portray women as objects for sexual use without any responsibility for considering their hutru~.n qualities (like intelligence, abilities, emotional needs), and you have a manual for rape. Certainly I understand the concept of freedom of speech and the implications of censorship, but c'mon! Where is the responsibility and accountability for that speech? If you're going to drug a man and dehumanize him, at least have the decency to say so and give him the chance ·tO say "No! " The writer of this article requested anonymity in order to protect the privacy of her family.

'{oice Male

By Vernon McClean

Race, Homophobia, and Oppression:

AIDS and the Black Community I

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life in the United States-a li.fe that involves discrimination, stereotyping, racial profiling by police, and violence.

In New ·York State, blacks and Latinos make up nearly 85 percent of new AIDS cases but receive only 30 percent of state funds (for more on mens health in New York State, see page 20) , According to Kevin McGruder, executive director of Gay Men of African Descent, Inc:, "There is a history of valuing the lives of people of color differently than the lives of white people. " In the infamous "Tuskegee ~tudy, " treatment for syphilis was intentionally withheld from more than 400 black men.

In my native Caribbean region (Haiti , Puerto Rico), women of color were used as guinea pigs to perfect birth control pills for white women. The same use was made of gay people in Greenwich Village, New York, ~n the quest to perfect a pill for treating hepatitis B. I still remember listening to a radio interview in the 1970s in which a white gay leader defended· this experiment because he felt that it would show that gays are "good citizens."

These examples should suffice to show that the pressures of life are harsh for black men. The wonder is that more of us do not turn to heroin, crack, alcohol and other drugs in an effort to alleviate the pain of our daily lives.

Yet the question remains: Given the devastating effects of AIDS in the black male community, why aren't blacks more concerned about this plague? Perhaps another reason is homophobia-the fear and dislike of gays and lesbians. As the black anti-AIDS activist and renowned choreographer and dancer Bill T. Jo.nes has said, "The black community is the most virulently homophobic. I want to be loved by my folks , but I've spent a good part of my life being disappointed."

Black students often become enraged when I dare to compare the discrimination against us as black men.:_which, of course, they vehemently condemn-with the murder and oppression of gay men. It is almost as if some black students feel that gays (black or white) deserve to be · victims of an AIDS-like genocide.

I have an African colleague who remarked to me some years ago that he would not mind if all the "fags " at our university were taken to the middle of the campus and set' afire. Evidently, it has . never occurred to him that the same 'people who hate "fags" often hate "niggers,"

!1IrW!nHnwr;J:J1

1

xcept for slavery, nothing in .our history will have killed so many black men in such a short time as AIDS. In New York City, 33 percent of black gay men are infected, versus 2 percent ·o f white men. AIDS kills more of us in the prime of life (between the ages of 25 and 44) than any other cause. Nationally,. we are 10 times more likely than white men to be infected, and 10 times more likely to die from it. (Among black women, the death rate from AIDS, tragically, is six times greater than that for white women, and 46 percent greater than for Latino women ..

This is higher than the death toll taken by breast cancer, hypertension, heart disease, and auto accidents combined.)

AIDS also takes a devastating toll among our children-those the mainstream press .calls "the -innocent victims of AIDS." However, I believe that all people with AIDS are innocent victims. No one deserves this plague. No child. No adult.

No drug abuser. No gay No straight person.

Unfortunately, because people living with AIDS are usually thought to be ethnic minorities, homosexuals, or drug users, they often get very little sympathy, even from those who are themselves infected with HIV and AIDS. A few years back, t?e department secre. tary at the university where I teach overheard me agree to address a group of black men in Newark, New jersey, who were living with HIV and AIDS. As a black woman, she was quick to berate me for associating with "those people" and said she hoped I would not bring this disease back to the office.

Sadly, her attitude is typical of many in the black community. Many resent HIVinfected men because they see them all as drug abusers. Some of them undoubtedly are. But people such as my secretary may not realize that one reason many black men become drug abusers is because we are trying to escape the. pain of our daily

E

too. Moreover, my colleague evidently does not realize that 90 percent of the children worldwide with AIDS are in his native Africa. In South Africa alone, according to Nelson Mandela, one-quarter of pregnant women are HIV-positive; this sad situation is a· result of the sexist attitudes of our African brothers, many of whom refuse to use condoms and frequently have multiple s~xual partners of both sexes.

Howe~er, in all fairness , homophobia is q.ot peculiar to the black community Some jewish students resent the fact that I (as a professor) would compare the AIDScapsed genocide of homosexuals with the Nazi genocide of]ews-even though gays (not]ews) were the first group to be imprisoned in Nazi detention centers. In fact, gay survivors of concentration camps requested a, monument in Washington, D.C.-only to be rebuffed by their fellow jewish survivors.

So what can we do about the AIDS Holocaust, this plague on all our houses?

First, organizations like Voice Male's sponsor, the Men's Resource Center, need to be at the forefront of the struggle against racism and homophobia in the men's movement, and against HIV and AIDS as well. Second, as black men, we .need to realize that there is no hierarchy of oppression in which oppressed groups should be debating each other over which group is ;,more oppressed." This recognition would do much to decrease the tension between blacks and jews, for example, that exists on many college .campuses and elsewhere around the country.

As Martin Luther King said in his "Letter from Birmingham jail": "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywher~.

We, are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."

Vernon McClean is chair of the Department of African-American and Caribbean Studies at the William Paterson University in Way 1ne, New j ersey. '

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Spring 2001 _ _ _ _ ; - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - : - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 19

Men

&

Health

----~----------------------------------------By]oeZoske

Anger and the Heart

Keeping Cool, Calm, and Cardiac-Healthy o you have problems with your temper? Do you tend to be rude and cynical, quick to react aggressively, and to easily argue and forcefully disagree?

If yes, you are not only anger prone, you are also "coronary prone."

Thirty years of research evidence has now solidly established that anger is a pri~ mary risk factor for heart disease. In fact~ chronic hostility's damaging effects upon the body equal those of smoking, obesity, or a high-fat diet as a powerful risk factor for early death from heart disease. That's important to know; because-issues such as prostate cancer and AIDS notwithstanding-heart disease is sti.ll the number-one killer of men.

We all know the sensations of hostility The energy, the fear, the .heat, the trembling, the tension, and more. We feel it in our guts, our minds , and our fists. Indeed, these sensations ripple through our bodies down to the cellular level. Our bodies become literally charged with energy, as a whole host of physiological reactions affect every system within us.

There's nothing wrong with this. Indeed, we depend on our body reacting this way-when the reaction is appropriate to . the situation. But the more we ·go through

D

life being reactive, feeling out of control, cornered , short-tempered and ready for a fight, the more we're living with a level of "charge" that over time will do us real harm.

When we live with chroni~ hostility, our bo?ies react in a biochemical way that actually makes our arteries more prone to becoming blocked. Even young men who were studied and had the highest hostility scores were twice as likely to show calcification of their arteries. And it doesn't have to be anger that's outwardly shown. The anger-heart disease relationship extends to suppressed anger: the quiet seething, the stuffing, that constantly stimulates our blood pressure, heart rate, and hormonal levels, even when we're showing no obvious signs.

Inappropriate levels of expressed anger, of course, also place others and ourselves in harm's way through interpersonal conflict, arid break down our chances for social support. Loud or quiet, there's an internal physiological battle taking place-one that we "will ultimately lose, unless we call a cease-fire with ourselves and negotiate an inner peace accord.

Minimizing the triggers-internal and external-that evoke our ire, learning to release anger appropriately, and seeking

20

support and professional help are the ways to "inoculate" ourselves against this medical threat. However we clloose to positively manage our hostility, the benefits serve not only our emotional and mental healtli, relationships, and thdarger community, but . also our own physical bodies,. and improve the medical odds of a healthier and longer life. · So, in addition to addressing smoking, obesity, and high ,b lood pressure-since your New Year's resolutions you've been working on those, right?-learn to keep a cool head. It will help you to keep a healthy heart.

Editor's Note: Some mens anger may be a sign that they have a proplem with abusive behavior. If a man or those around him feel his anger is part of a pattern of abuse toward loved ones, he should learn about batterers' intervention programs such as the Men Overcoming Violence program offered by the Mens Resource Center, (413) 253-9588:

joe Zaske is Voice Male5 health columnist and a public health consultant who lives in Albany, N.Y

Voice Male

I, • f •'

By Wayne P.

Notes from Survivors

Victory over Darkness and Silence will never forget my 26th birthday. At that point, I had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and drug and alcohol addiction. I was sitting in a resort hotel on the 16th floor overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful sunny day and I was looking forward to spending the day on the beach. Before leaving for the day I had turned 6n the television and found a ta1k show in progress. A panel of men was talking about how they had been abused by their mothers . Suddenly, I felt paralyzed by fear, anger and depression. Had I not felt so paralyzed, I would have jumped off the hotel balcony.

For what seemed like hours I had a rush of haunting memories that I would stuff for the next five years. I'm not sure why, but it was while I was working with troubled kids in a treatment facility that I found it impossible to cope with my pain.

Although I felt my experiences were helpful to the kids' recovery, all the while I was becoming more and more suicidal.

One of the more haunting thoughts I had was that I was a product of the dark,

I

the evil"in the world, and to do anything that did not favor the dark meant some form of punishment. Mainly I was convinced that the dark would win and I would end up just like my mother, or worse. I finally decided it was time to see a therapist, and from there I began the healing process of becoming truly free from the abuser-my mother.

I remember it was at the second session that the dreaded question came up about my childhood. It brought back all of the feelings I'd had that day at the beach. I was only able to tell my therapist that my childhood had not been very nice. If I talked about it any more, I feared the dark would retaliate. It was only with the help of my therapist that I was able to overcome that fear and begin talking about the years of sexual, physical, and mental abuse I had survived at the hands of my mother. As a result of these sessions I also learned that the light, my angel, had given me tools to survive my abuse, but now had become problematic. After many more sessions wjth my therapist I was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Learning

more about MPD started to help me understand what was going on with my mind and I began to feel better about who I was.

This allowed me to continue to talk about my abuse and about all the secrets I had been stuffing for years .

I remember the session when I realized that my mother could not see or hear me all of the time anCI that I was not born to serve the dark. This sense of safety allowed me to continue in my recovery and made all the gut-wrenching hard work worth it.

What I began to understand was that without my silence, the dark had no more power over me. This sense of freedom and redemption pushed me to continue with my therapy. Although the journey has meant lots of hard work and lots of pain, I wouldn't want to change it, as I've learned so much about myself and this has helped me to carry on a "normal" life.

In dedicating this article to his wife and therapist, Wayne P. says that without their help he wouldn't be here today.

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Male Violence in Sports continued from page 9

going on inside his head because he's trying is a team ombudsman. That's just a parent who says, "Look, all concerns, even in the to please Dacl, the coach, and everyone else and not getting a chance to really enjoy the middle of the game , come to me , talk to me, and I will relay this information to the event that he or she is participating in. coach. " That way, you've got this buffer.

TC: We need [a new] sort of education VM: What about athletes who get arrestbecause many of us were raised in a period ed for battering? When Wilfreda Cordero when our parents were in the stands screaming and yelling. We had "Team Mom" when was with the Red Sox and returned to Fenway after a domestic assault charge, first I was growing up--a red-in-the-face mom screaming her head off. And that was actualhe was booed, then during the game he ly a good parent. Whose responsibility is it? I made a good play to throw Ken Griffey, Jr., out from left field , and he was cheered. So as think it's coaches' responsibility. But at the fans, we're fickle. We could come up with a same ~ime , we need to begin in our communities to be able to hold coaches accountdozen athletes who've been arrested for able , to make sure they have training, to domestic violence. What is the message coming from their teams? The Red Sox' mesmake sure that then; are places coaches can sage was, "We'll get rid of you" ... go and chat with each other about these issues.

VM: As parents, as fathers, coaches, uncles, Big Brothers, other male role models and whoever is taking kids to games, what else can we do to prevent these violent incidents?

S]: A very easy thing to do, which used to happen when I played Little League in New jersey, is the coaches and parents used to sit down and have meetings before the season just to talk about what was going to 路happen during the season. I think to have meetings now would be more important, just to talk about the dos and don'ts of what you want to do with these young males on that field . I know that now locally; here in Amherst, there's a whole training aspect of coaching. No coach can coach for Leisure Services unless he ge~ training.

VM : And the information ,about the youth basketball program has a 10-point list for parents-how to be respectful and responsible when you're there. That's new.

S]: I think it's because of the bad examples we've just talked about that they were forced to go with that. But 1 think that kind of stuff is important-for coaches to know what their responsibilities are, but also to let parents know what's going to be happening during the season. And when parents act up, Coach Woody Hayes, known for slugging photograto ask them to leave. phers and berating officials and his players.

TC: Right. My experience of these leagues is you get the real sport-oriented parents involved in the organization and SJ: Wait a minute. That wasn't themesmanagement of these leagues. And I think sage. The original message was, "We'll get what men need to do who are focused on you out of jail. " They got him out of jail and parenting-they need to take over leagues, then there was a restraining order between not let the strong sports-fanatic-type people him and his wife, and they allowed him to control those leagues. We need good parents go back into that apartment to give the mesin situations of leadership. sage to his wife that, "Not only did I hit you SJ: I think there has to be some responsiupside the head with this telephone, but I bility in organized sport on the part of the don't have to obey the restraining order, organization to talk about what the rules are, bequse here I am back in the house, intimiand I also think that there should be the dating you again. " Which led to him two opportunity to at least talk to the coach weeks later being in Puerto Rico on a sports about what might make you [as a parent] program saying, "Hey-she's my wife, I can upset. To have that conversation-not in the beat her anytime I want." Thats hen the 路middle of the game, but before we start to Red Sox began to look for another team for play. But in many cases, these are conversaWil Cordero. tions that never happen.

VM: So who's holding the accountability?

TC: One of the things I've recommended Players? Management? Society says that

22

behavior is not OK and there will be repercussions-but if you have a specific skill, like nailing Junior Griffey coming around third . ..

TC: There's been increased pressure on elite professional sports to begin to have some sort of accountability. Did the Red Sox absolutely blow it? Of course they did. They were horrible. They could have responded much better in the Wil Cordero case. But I think the more interesting part of your question is the fans' response to athletes' bad behavior-the first part of the game booing and the second part of the game cheering them. It's our notion of redemption for athletes. that is really interesting to me. It follows all sorts of bad behavior by athletes.

But when路someone "comes back" from their "time away, " they've done their time or they've been rehabilitated or whatever, redemption for athletes, in the fans' mind, is playing well. If Darryl Strawberry is playing well, then he's been redeemed. So Wil Cordero fit into that. There was redemption for him.

SJ: In fact when he got traded to the White Sox, all the press releases were absolutely positive, there was no mention of his problem with domestic violence whatsoever. It's almost like he didn't even have it. It fell into this giant abyss, and it's gone forever. When Patrick Roy, who just broke a goalies' record for the NHL, got arrested for domestic violence, they changed the charges from Domestic A &: B to just a domestic charge, the reason being, he is from [Canada] . If he gets a felony count, he gets sent home! Now let me tell you what kind of pressure is coming to bear on his Canadian wife right now, in Colorado.

TC: There's a lot of institutional support for this sort of behavior, and we've had coaches interfere with.criminal investigations. We've had them say, "Well, we're going to keep him on the team because it's good for him, it's the only way he can be saved." Coaches are forever saying-this gets back to the moral thing-on the elite level, coaches are forever saying, "We're going to take "'re of this 'problem child.'

We're going to take him in, he's going to learn our system, and he's going to be a good fine young man."

VM: And it'll be "taken care of internally."

TC: Right. But as soon as he gets in trouble, oh, it's because he doesn't have a father at home, or whatever, and they wash their hands of the kid so fast you don't know what happened: So there's that moral thing again: When are coaches and programs going to hold young men accountable for their actions and stick with them to make sure that they're OK? There have been some excellent examples. Boston College worked with a young man and said, "You're not playing until you go through domestic violence [treatment] ." And Boston ~allege and continued on page 25

Voice Male

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVI.CES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men's Group- 7-9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St. , Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Neglect.- Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. 7-8:30p.m . Friday evenings at the MRC. · Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning 7-9 p.m . Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation. · GBQ Brunch - Last Sunday of the month, 10 AM- 1 p.m. at the MRC. FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available -Fathers and Family , Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals,/arenting guid. ance, workshops, educational presentations an conferences.

Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.

YOUTH PROGRAMS · Radio Active Youth (RAY): Monthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 FM). · Activist Men's Network: College men trained to lead workshops for high school and middle school students on violence prevention, positive masculinity, and healthy relationships.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary an.d court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive . Fee subsidies available. · Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield. · · Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections. · Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

· Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men ," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

PUBLICATIONS · · Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity. · Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups , local, regional and national activi'ties, support programs for men . Our library a11d resource files are available to all MRC members.

Interested In A Men's Resource Center Speaker?

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Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887 mrc@valinet.com

Su-b scribe Now! Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and news of changing men. With I I Subscribe to your subscription comes news of the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.

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Spring 2001 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 23

RESOURCES Men's Resources Resources tor Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men page 11)

The American Cal)cer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, lowcost housing, and transportation.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

Children's .Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy' room for working with children . Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals 123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 PM.

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc.

Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry (413) 584-6599.

Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org The Men's Issues Page: www. vix.com/pu b/m~n/index.html

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock 413.587.4334 A.M.T.A Member

Very Reasonable Rates

100 Black Men, Inc.: www.1OObm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin . /profem.html

Fathers At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom /athomedad The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative: . www.cyfc.umn.edu(Fathernet The Fatherhood Project: www, fatherhoodproject.org

Ma(J8zines Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles /issues.html XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/XY /xyintro.htm Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/CapitaiHill/1139 /quitporn.html

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Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed,D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse

J

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TEL: 413-586..0515 • Fax: 413-584-8903 • EMA1L: PATSJ\M®JAVANET.COM

I •••

AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend . To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591 .

Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services , promote safe sex practices, and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general office work, special projects, etc. Flexible schedules.

'•:L,,,,,,,,,,,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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Voice Male

Male Violence in Sports continued from page 22

..

ment program] set up a relationship, and all talked to each other. And you know, that guy. played the next year. That's a 40-weeklong program. But it was a good, solid relationship between the coach, the athletic department, and the batterers' group trainer.

Sj: It can happen. But for t)le most part with major-league stars, we, the popular public, spectators, are able to overlook that [violence] if this guy is able to throw a touchdown, or hit the home run, or dunk the basketball. The problem really happens when these guys are set up to go to a banerers' treatment program and they don't have to go, and the other guys who've done the exact same thing are sitting there going, "Why am 1 here and he's not?" And they have a legitimate question to ask, because that guy should be in there.

VM: Is there anything else we haven't touched on, that you'd like to leave us }vith?

Sj: For me, in regard to violence, for young men, and older men who have children, there's this unique opportunity to watch your.male .child grow, and if you want something good to happen you have to be involved. You cannot expect other people to raise your child. That's really all I ask-that as a man you take some responsibility.

TC : Amen.

Voice Male Delivery f:lenl\ Botkin-Levy, Shana Frank

Thank You! The Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We !).ave grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time , services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand. We are filled · with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a growing community of support.

Thank you .

Office Volunteers Hayyim Rothman, Craig Harbison

RadioActive Youth Elena Botkin-Levj Donated Space Community United Way of the Pioneer yalley, Springfield; Ford Gillen Architects, Amherst; Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton; Smith College, Northampton; Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts, Northampton In-Kind Donations Henion Bakery, Rao's 'Coffee A very special thanks to Mark Bergeron for . his very generous in-kind donation of design work.

As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and an who are a part of it. ·

Computer Support Kirk Peterson, Bill Fleming · Support Group Facilitators Allan Arnaboldi, Michael Baumgarten, Ken Bernstein, Michael Burke, jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Philip Fitz, Ken Howard, · Damien Licata, Gabor Lukacs, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon· Snodgrass '

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Our CJ3ones

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Thorn Levy, M. Ed., LMHC Licensed Mental Health Couns~lor • Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples • EMDR for Overcoming Traumas, Phobias · and Performance Anxieties • Stress Reduction Training

Amherst, MA • tel and fax 413-549-2901 • hpandtl@crocker.coin

Joseph DiCenso l counselor, facilitator, coach 'J

April 3(}th & May 7...

6:30 - ?:30pm Angels' Rest Retreat Ctr. Leyden, MA

For info, call 413.367.0206 (see calendar listing for details) Spring 2001

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in trt:~nsition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

256-07_'72 25

CALENDA'R March 23--25 Albuquerque, New Mexico Cultural and Spiritual Traditions: The Evolution of Men's Studies · .

9tli Annual American Men's Studies Association Conference. Presentations, panel discussions, workshops, video, musical performance. Fees: Full attendance including meals: $182-225; full-time students: $77; Saturday only: $90; full-time students: $38. At Holiday Inn Mountain View, 2020 Menaul NE; Tel. (505) 884-2511. Information: Sam Femiano: patsam@javanet.com; 22 East Street, Northampton, MA 01060.

March 24, 8:30 a.m.-5:30p.m.

Westfield, Massachusetts Building Our Community in Work and Love and Play 4th Valuable Families Conference and Business Expo. Co-sponsors: The Northampton Area Lesbian and Gay Business Guild; The GLBT Community Center Project of Western MA. Seminars, live entertainment, and business exposition . Pre-register for optional childcare, lunch, and American Sign Language Interpreter. Fees: for registration received by 2124/01 : $35-$45; after 2124/01 or at door: $55. At Westfield State College, 577 Western Avenue. Information: (978) 249-9436, Suzanne.

March 24, 10:00 a.m .-6:00p.m .

Baldwinville, Massachusetts Healing Love Qigong .

Workshop. Purpose: to learn: affinity between sexual and emotional energy; skills for transforming sexual energy into healing power; why women have greater active sexual capacity than men; how to establish balance and harmony between the sexes. Open to men and women. Instructor: Charlie Stuart, Lie. Ac., acupuncturist and certified instructor. Cost: $75 . Information: (978) 939-8544

March 28 ·Northampton , Ma~sachusetts Aids Care Volunteer Training Offered by AIDS CARE/Hampshire County, a community-service program of Behavioral Health Services of Cooley Dickinson Hospital. Training (pre-screening required) : 1 weekday evening &: 1 weekend. Needed: "Buddies" for one-on-one companionship; "Bridges" for transportation formedical appointments; "Gardeners" for HIV Community Garden Project. Volunteer for 2-4 hours a week. Commitment: 12 months minimum. Information: Court Cline, Aids Care/Hampshire County: Tel. (413) 586-8288; Fax (4113) 586-0914; aidscarevols@cooley-dickinson.org; 168 Industrial Dr., Northampton, MA 01060.

March 28, 7:30p.m.

Amherst, Massachusetts Young Women and War in Mozambique Lecture by Alcinda Honwana (United Nations) in series Violence Against Women In War And Peace sponsored by The Five College Program in Peace and World Security Studies (PAWSS) and others. Free, open to the public, and wheelchair accessible. At Amherst College, Converse Hall, Cole Assembly Room. Information: (413) 5595367; http://pawss.hampshire.edu.

March 29, 12:30 p.m.

Amherst, Massachusetts On Gay Conservatives vs. Gay Progressives Lecture by Lisa Duggan, Associate Professor of American Studies, New York University, Co-sponsored by'The Stonewall Center, The Chancellor's Task Force on GLBT Matters, and

26

other UMass entities. Free and open to the public.

At: University of Massachusetts Campus Center, Room 904-08. Information: (413) 545-4824.

March 29, 6:00p.m- 9:30p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts , Children's Trust Fund Friendraiser Annual dinner, silent and live auction and awards to honor a person from Hampshire and Franklin Counties for their efforts on behalf of children and familie.s. At The Inn at Northampton, One Atwooq Drive. Information: (888) 775-4KIDS X310. (See article page 7) April 2, 7:30p.m.

Amherst, Massachusetts Trafficking for Sexual Exploitation: Transnational Factors, Policy and Programs Lecture by Janice Raymond (University of Massachusetts and the Coalition Against Trafficking in Women) in series Violence Against ,Women In War And Peace (see above, under March 28). At the University of Massachusetts, Herter Hall, Room 227.

April 5-6 Springfield, Massachusetts Men at Work Gender Considerations for ImS[oved Men's Health Promotion 17 Annual Association for Worksite Health Promotion Region I Conference. Sponsored by Healthtrax, Glastonbury, Connecticut.

Presentation by Joe Zoske, Men's Health columnist, Voice Male. Cost: $195. At Best Western Hotel. Information: (860) 633-5572, Ext. 246.

April 30, May 7, 6:30 '-9:30p.m.

Leyden, Massachusetts In Our Bones: Awakening the Archetypes An experiential workshop for women and men led by joseph DiCenso . Explores four Jungian archetypes-Lover, Warrior, Magician and Sovereign-to bring greater balance, power and creativity into life. Sliding scale: $40-$60 (for both nights). Angels' Rest Retreat Center.

Information: (413) 367-0206; josephd@crocker.com.

April 11 , 8:00p.m.

Amherst, Massachusetts The Politics of Wartime Rape-During Wars and After Wars Lecture by Cynthia Enloe (Clark University) in series Violence Against Women In War And Peace (see above, under March 28) . At Hampshire College, Franklin Patterson Hall, West Lecture Hall.

April19, 7:00p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts Families 2001 Lecture by author •Mary Pipher sponsor~ by ·Media Education Foundation (MEF) 10t Anniversary. For MEF Benefit: General Admission $12, Students $8. Tickets: Northampton Box .

Office (1-800-THE TICK); Food for Thought, 106 N. Pleasant St. , Amherst; Beyond Words, 189 Main St. , Northampton.-At First Churches, Main St. &: Center St. Information: www.mediaed.org.

April20, 10:00 a.m.--S:OO p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts Media, Gender and Culture (panel, 10-Noon.

Moderator: Mary Pipher), Media and Democracy ' in the 21st Century (panel, 2-5 p.IIL) Sponsored by Media Education Foundation (MEF) 10th Anniversary. Free and open to the public. At John M. Greene Hall, Smith College. . Benefit Reception with Speakers (6--S p.m.).

Minimum donation: $75. At private home (call 413 584-8500).

Information: www.mediaed.org.

April21, 10:00 a.m.-6:00p.m.

Baldwinville, Massachusetts Men's Healing Love Qigong Workshop. Purpose: to. learn Taoist sexual practices by which men, cycling sexual energy from the genitals up the spine to the brain,, can ·achieve deeper pleasure, spiritual energy, and a balance with women. Instructor: Charlie Stuart, Lie. Ac., acupuncturist and certified instructor.

Cost: $75. Information: (978) 939-8544.

April25, 7:30p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts Building New Peace Paradigms: Women in the United Nations Security Council Lecture by Eugenia Piza-Lopez (International Alert) in series Violence Against Women In War And Peace (see above, under March 28). At Smith College, Seelye Hall, Room I 06.

May 11 , 6:00 p.m.-May 12, morning Leverett, Massachusetts Pioneer Valley Men's Tribal Jamboree Sponsored by AMEN-Spiritual Warriors. Evening powwow that's fun, spiritual, and from the heart, as well as other activities, in campsite setting. At Adam Bauer's Tree Toad Farm, 106 Jackson Hill Rd., offRte. 63. RSVP by May 6. Information: David Mager, (413) 247-0120; MajorEnvi!®aol.co!Jl. june 7-8 Washington, DC B&adening the Reach 4 Annual Summit on Fatherhood sponsored by the National Fatherhood Initiative. At The Hyatt Regency, 400 New Jersey Ave., NW; (202) 7371234. Information: E-mail: NFI1995@aol.~om; Tel. (301) 948-0599; Fax (301) 948-~325 ; www.fatherhood.org.

August 10-12 Windsor Locks, Connecticut Fourth Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference Sponsor: SMART (Stop Mind Control and Ritual Abuse Today). Purpose: to help survivors of ritual abuse and prevent its future occurrence and that of mind control. For survivors, professionals, and others. At Double Tree Hotel near Bradley International Airport, between Hartford, CT, and Springfield, MA. Information: General: smartnews@aol.com; PO Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027-1295; Conference: · http://members.aol.com/smartnews/smart-2001conference.htm.

October 25-28 New York, New York Healing The Sexual' Victimization of Boys and

~~nternational Conference of the Nationa.l

Organization of Male Sexual Vittimization (NOMSV). An Affiliate Sponsor: Men's Resource Center. Workshops, seminars, and presentations.

For survivors, professionals, women , and others.

Scholarships available. At john jay College of Criminal justice, The City University of New York. Information: 800-738-4181; nomsv@malesurvivor.org; NOMSV, 5505 Connecticut Ave., NW -#Hl3, Washington , DC 20015-2601; www.malesurvivor.org.

Please send calendar listings for events from July !"-September 15'"-and bey<;m,d . Send to: Voice Male Calendar, mposada@crocker.com, or MRC, 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, MA 01002; FAX: (413) 2i\?-4801. Deadline for Summer issue: May 15 .

Voice Male

Can Men Have Friends? continued from page 11

of a romantic relationship . Which is the chicken, and which the egg? The borders are pretty blurred since mutual attraction always provided the impetus for the relationship in the first place. Recently, things seem to be changing. I have grown closer to women in my life, and without . romance. And with men, Lam now able to grow closer more quickly. Maybe this all has to do with maturity and developing into a man, maybe it's just my recent luck, or it may be my own unique path.

I don't readily observe in other men's friendships the closeness that I know exists in mine. Perhaps few see the closeness in my friendships as well. Maybe it's because friendship tends to be private.

One could conclude that men truly don't have close friendships with other men because most men don't publicly express our love for other men the way wo.m en do .

Straight men can and do have quality friendships with other men but because of the internalized homophobia many men feel, they don't risk public closeness for . ·fear of being labeled as gay. For this reason, we rarely see men displaying emotional closeness in public and, because of this, emotional closeness is seen as even more deviant. And the cycle continues. I am not saying that only gay men can be close to one another, nor am I saying that closeness among men is equivalent to being gay. I am saying, however, that we have not come far enough in accepting gay men, and one of the reminders of that is the few expressions of love between men in our culture.

All this begs the question: How can we expect men to know how to have "real friendships" if we don't promote them, or easily see them? The answer may lie in teaching young men and boys-and their fathers-to have deep and meaningful friendships, and to learn something about gay men's friendships , by example along the way.

Originally from California, Michael Milov .is a student at Hampshire College in Amherst, Mass .

Whafs your pleasure

BE iAEIIf

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lAY, lESBIAN, BISEXUAl, AIID STRAIGHT FRIEIIDl Y 25 WEST STREET. NORTH.MPTON. Ml 413-586-6900

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Workshops & Trainings for your school, group or businesses Supporting Men • Ending Men's Violence • Building Healthy Relationships Fathering • Masculinity in Transition • Challenging Homophobia JRrsouoa

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For fees, to schedule or for more information Contact: Carl Erikson (413) 253-9887 EXt. 13 • mrc@valinet.com Spring 2001 - - - - - - - - - - - -.......- - - - - - - : - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 27

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