Voice Male Spring 2004 by Voice Male Magazine

The Egalitarian Dialogues

TA BLE OF CONTENTS

A Crucial Conversation for Men

Features

By Rob Okun

Found mlianslation: Traveling to j apan to Spread the Word About Domestic Violence . .8 By Sleven Botl<in , Russell Bradbury-Carlin, and Icl11ro Nw11azahi

ill men ever recognize that the days a high school was a refreshing educational of trying to limit women's freedom strategy. Those school-sponsored workshops of expression are long over? That served as antidotes to the nonstop misogynist thought was on my min d after !learned that assa ult pop cu lture directs at a ll of us, particularly the you ng. Sti ll , like a growing an Amherst, Mass., businessman had spearnumber of men worldwide, I know we must headed a drive to rry and stop fe male students fro m performing Th e Vagina Mono logues at redouble our efforts. Perhaps one day, more th e town's high sc hool in February. and more men will stop participating in "The Those supp orting both women's empowPatriarchy Monologues ," and instead will join erment and men redefining masculinity owe wo men and men engaged in what l think of th e play's critic a thank-you for illuminating as th e "Egalitarian Dialogues." No doubt the the need to bring more men into the crucial en suing co nversaLion co uld be worthwhil e co nversa ti on about women 's reality. Eve fo r all of us. Ensler 's provocative play is ce rtainly about women's lives. But it's also about men waking up to women's reality. The businessma n, Larry Kelley, said he was un comfortable with th e "C-word"-" l can ' t say it out loud," he told th e school committee. His queasiness symboli zes many men's d isco mfort with ad mitting how little we know about th e dangerous world our moth ers and daughters, wives and par tn ers, sisters and In many ways this issue of Voi ce Male ni eces live in : a world where sexual harassadd resses the notion o[ egali tarian dialogues , ment and sexual assault are commonplace. beginning with our cove r story, "Found in A world where personal sec uri ty mea ns Trans lation: Bringin g Domes ti c Violence ch ec king the backs ea t of your ca r before Awaren ess to j apa n" (page 8). The MRC's getting in it. A world where going out at night Steven Botkin and Russell Bradbury-Carlin e ngaged j apanese women and men in a means carrying a whistle, or a can of Mace. A world most men , myself included, find it dia logu e about th e MRC's approach to wo rkin g with men ac tin g abusively. In hard to p ersonally feel. It's no t easy for men to acknowledge h ow widespread vio lence "There Had to Be a Better Way: My Search [or against women is, nor how much further we Alternative Trea tm ents for Prostate Cancer" have to go to create a safe, egalitarian society. ' (page 10) , Danny Dove r sh ares his empowHardes t of all is to adm it that getting there erm ent as he found ways to treat his illness . means giving up some of the privilege we enjoy. Haji Shearer seeks to integrate men's inn er The play's critic grabbed a few headlines quest for an integrated inn er and o uter life in his moving accou nt, "The Healing Warrior" nationally with his complaint , alleging th at Th e Vagina Monologues is inappropriate for (page 12) ln "Young Men : Waking Up to high schoo·l s tudents . He obscured th e fa ct Women's Reality" (page 13), Voices of Youth that no students were required to attend, that . contributor Miles Schwartz Sax sha res ideas he and o ther you ng men need to consider as the evening performance was scheduled when school had recessed for vacation , and that · th ey naviga te relationships. Ben Ostiguy is the play culminated a week of workshops ready for dialogue with his as yet unborn child spotlightin g issu es it raised-pro moting in this issue 's Fa th erin&,roln!TlJJlc(page 14), greater awareness of, and actions to prevent, co mplemented by th e father-son dialogue of j ack and Omari Daniel's Color Lines column, violence agains t wom en . "Fis hing fo r th e Father-Son Con nection" lt is understandable that men feel vulnerable and con fused about mal e and fema le roles (page 15). For th erapist and auth or David Kund tz, writing "l Don ' t Know Wh at I'm nowadays. But such vulnerabili ty is no excuse for trying to censor women, including feniale Feeling" (page 16) is an .invitation to men students meeting life's challenges head on . to begin a dialogue with themselves so they Males owe a d ebt o[ gratitu de to brave ca n be more em otionally presen t. Frequent yo un g women like th ose wh o d iscovered in Voice Male conrributor Les Wright's "Rellecdons The Vagina Monologues an artistic and eduon Safer Sex" offers readers an account o f h ow his conscio usn ess regarding practicing cational forum to draw attention to women's plight. Perhaps the support the young women safer sex has grown in his moving OutLines showed one another will inspire their male column (page 18) Finally, managi ng editor coul}terparts to find their coll ec tive voice to Michael Burke reviews th e new father-son challenge the box of conventional masculinity film Big Fish (page 22) and 'recommends othet rece nt movies about male mentors. most are trapp ed in . As the fath er of a so n at We cou nt o n your vo ice as an important the high school' under discussion, l hope so. Given the highly sexualized nature of so part of ow egalitarian dialogue. Write us at voicemale@mens reso urcecenter.ot·g or at mu ch of popular culture-from song lyrics to computer games, from MTV to Hollywood, 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, MA 01002. And take so me tim e to enj oy the sp ring! th at Tl1e Vagina Monologues was performed at

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"There Had to Be a Better Way": My Search for Alternative Treatments for Prostate Cancer By Danny Dover

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Becoming a Healing 'Mirrior By Haji Shearer "l Don't Know What I'm Feeling" : Teaching Men to Speak (and Feel) Emotionalese . .

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By Dmod Kundtz

Columns & Opinion From the Editor Co-Directors' Voice

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Mail Bonding

..... 4

Men@ Work.

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Poerry . . . . . . . . .. Men Come in the Room By Sea n Casey Leclaire

. ... 7

Voices of Youth . . . .. 13 Young Men 'Miking Up to Women's Reality By Miles Schwam Sax

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Fathering ........ . Confessions of an Expectant Father By Ben Ostiguy

·color Lines . . ................... 15 Fishing for d1c Father-Son Connection By jach L Daniel and Omari C. Dan iel OutLines ...... 18 Living 1vith HIV: Reflections on Safer Sex By Les \Might

GBQ Resources .

. .19 ,

Film Review

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Mystery of the Father: Big Fish By Miclwel Burhe Resources .

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Thank You

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Calendar .

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MRC Programs & Services

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On the Cover: Semi nar presenters Steven Bothin, MRC Executive Director (bottom •ight), Russell Bradbury-Carlin, MOVE Director (top •ight) and Ichiro Numaza l1i (top rOH\ second Jmm right) and the staff of the Creo Women 's Cen/el; Toyonalw, japan.

VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the:/V[en's Resource Cenw· vf Western Massachusetts, mailed to . donors and subsoibers, and distributed at select locations throughout '~estern Massachusetts, southern Vm;wont and southern New Hampshire. The tn L1sion of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men, challenge mens violence and develop me11's leadership in ending oppression in ow· lives, ow'families and our communifies. Support Our Work T1te MRC is funded

ry individual

and organizational contributions, and Je:s for s;;rces. Please join liS in our vision of men healing, growing and ending violence. Send con t1ibtttions ($35, $50, $100)

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E-mail: mrc@m ensresourcecenter.o rg Vvebsite: www.mensresourcecenter.org

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Hampshire Community

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United way

Not Your Typical Workplace Practicing a New Style of Men's Leadership By Michael Dover and Rob Okun Administrative Staff Interim Co-O/rectors - Rob Okun, Michael Dover Director of Operations - Carl Erikson Executive Director - Steven Botkin (on sabbatical) Men Overcoming V iolence Director - Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supervisor - Sara Elinoll Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel Partner Services Coordinator - Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator - Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator - Seal/ Girard Group Leaders - Eve Bogdanove, Karen Foglialli,

Seal/ Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFralla, Gary Newcomb, Susan Omilian. Bill Pallen Tom Sullivan, Steve. Trudel Support Programs Director - Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators - Allan Arnaboldi, Timothy Blake, Michael Burke, Andy Dennison, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Darren Engstrom, Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Ken Howard, Shawn Johnson, Gabor Lukacs, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer. Jim Napolitan, Rob Parle/, Nelson Pinette, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Les Wright Youth Programs Consultant - Julius Ford Group Leaders - James Arana, Edgar Cancel, Julius Ford Voice Male Magazine Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor - Michael Burke Designer - m. rajas design Board of Directors Chair - Peter Jessop Vice Chair - Thom Herman Clerk - Michael Dover Treasurer - Sudhakar Vamathevan Members - Charles Bodhi, Jenny Daniell, Lisa Freitag-Keshet, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardner, Jack Hornor, Yokp Kala, Brenda L6pez, Mathew Ouellet Editor's Note

Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas, and events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss. Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice路 Male, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002; e-mail queries and articles to voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org. Advertising

For rates and dearJ/ines cal/ Voice Male Advertising at (4 13) 253-9887, Ext. 20.

Men's Resource Center voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org

hen the Men's R~source Center's confer with each other before making most founding executive director, Steven decisions . On key decisions, sharing responBmkin, took a year's leave of absence ' sibility often means pausing long enough to talk the issue through togeth er rather than last September, the change posed intellectual and emotio nal challenges-not just for responding immediately. That pause can Steven , but for all of us worki ng at and provide a useful break from the apparent guiding th e organization . Steven had been pressure to decide and result in a more carefully thought out response. Either of us leading the MRC since its founding 21 years ago (see 'fl.. journey i11to Sabbatical," Voice Male acting alone might nor take that pause, but Fall2003), so the change for him would be working toge th er we enforce it on ourselves huge. The questions h e would face- not and are better for it. Consultation also means talking with our fellow staff members, inviting having to expend time and energy on the MRC's day-w-day operations-would be their participation in questions we're facing , mirrored by ours, ratcheting up our roles in learning what issues they're dealing with, encouraging them to share information with helping to lead the MRC. Equally important, the MRC faced the prospect of carrying on each oth er. If we're all in this together, we all need to know what's going on . leadership responsibilities without Steven's daily wisdo m , guidance, and engagement . If this doesn't sound like the typical workplace-it isn't. Work is the place where the The sabbatical became an opportunity for all masculine culture of domination , isolation , of us to take a fresh look at how the MRC operates. What might we do differently? What and competition typically has thrived. If is leadership in the context of th e MRC's capitalism is the economic expression of mission? Who ho lds the vision of the MRC traditional patriarchy, the workplace is its enforcement mechanism . It's the place where and in what ways? "power over " is perfected and promoted . September also marked the end of a difficult summer, one in which we had to make maj or It's also the place where men are told th ey cuts to our budget for a fiscal year that was define themselves, more than anywhere else already under' way. Absorbing $54,000 in in their lives. We are collectively taught that cuts from the state along with other losses we are our work, and that our worth is in of revenue meant we had to eliminate more th e power we wield through our work. If than $100,000 in expenses, including staff inherent in the MRC mission is redefining masculinity, then th ere's no better place hours and programming. As the two of us to start than in how we work together. began the job of co -directing the MRC, we felt these twin issues-Steven's departure And ye t, we 're not a collective. We have a definite salary structure and a line of responand the budget crunch- pressing in on our colleagues and friends who make up the sibility. Th e two of us are co-directors who staff h ere . supervise program directors who in turn A week after assuming our n ew responsupervise other staff. But we can approach those roles in ways that break the stereotypes, sibilities we held a day-long staff retr~at, a time to share our feelings about the changes respect each person's particular contribution that had taken place and our concerns for and capacity, and support one another in our the future. We talked, we listened, we took work and our lives. And we can create an th e time to und'erstand how each of us was environment that says we are all the owners dealing with these challenges. At the end of of the enterprise, because we all are cocreators of it. the day, one staff,member succinctly summed up the experience: he said he was reminded The MRC's mission statement says we 're that at its core , "co nnection is what th e working to "develop men's leadership in ending oppression. " Where ds e to begin MRC is all about." We knew then that the organization was going to be all right. . than right h ere? We leave it to those who In the months since September, we have succeed us to.judge what progress our tenure makes toward that goal. evolved a form of leadership that reflects 路 both our two personal styles and our shared vision for the MRC. We begin each week by checking in with each other: what's happening this week, what's on our minds , where do we need help? It's a chance for us each to put aside any sense of isolation, and to connect our home lives with our work. It's also a way to make sure we're sharing the load equitably; even when a difficulty can't be equally shared, we can each still understand what the other is going through and what he needs-not unlike what happens in MRC support groups every week. Our co-directorship has come to be ch aracterized by a grea t deal of consultation. We

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MAIL BONDING

We Want to Hear from You! Write us!

Please send typewritten,

"double-spaced letters to :

VOICE MALE MRC 23 6 North Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX (413) 253-4801

voi.cemale @m en sresourcecenter. org Please include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length. Deadline for the Summer 2 004 Issue is May 20, 2004

The Friar This Time I apprecia te my subscripti o n to Voice Male. I am a Domin ican friar, and was an eightyear member of th e Ral eigh (N.C.) Men's Group before ge tting a new assignment h ere in Memphis in 200 2. I rece ntly did a Rite of Passage Retreat with Fr. Richard Rohr and his CAC team (Ce nter for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque, N.M .). The ,retreat was at Ghos t Ranch in New Mexico and about 80 men made it. Richard is the author of Wil.d Men's journey; his audience is largely Catholic-but not only. It's men's issues through a Christian filter- or Christian issues through 路a men's filt erl-but like the MRC and Voice Male, a very different perspective from the Promise Keepers. Peace and thank you for all yo u 're doing.

-nu

Making a Difference in Jersey I am the Community Educator for Women's Crisis Services in Flemington, New jersey. I look forward to receiving my new subscription to your magazine, as I think it would help us better serve our male population. Thank wou so much , and keep up th e good workyou're absolu rely making a difference!

Elizabeth Stetso n Flemi ngton, N.j.

Men Changing Possible I' m making my first cont rib ution to the Men's Resource Center. For many years I've contributed to causes serving women and chUdren. I made these contributions because I am intimately aware of how viole nce and abuse of women can s tifle the spirit and inhibit personal grow th and self-es teem . In November I had the privilege of attending the MRC's awards路 banquet. Though I have been aware of the MRC for some time, I was nor aware of all the services provided . At the banquet I was moved by the actual-and potential-of.the educational services being provided to men. Something clicked for me. Before, I thought that services and education to women were of vital importance. After the banquet I felt th at educating men was as important. Though I have taken great care to educate my son to be respectful, sensitive, and compassionate, I imagined that this was th e "most" I could do in the realm of "changi ng the wbrld" in respect to men. Now I see that by supporting the services the MRC provides men, change for the better is possiblean d inevitable-and that I can contribu te , albei t in a small way. Three ch ee rs to the MRC and all you dol

Gina Shamey Panzi eri Belchertown, Mass.

It's Justin's 路Aggression That's Obscene , Not Janet's Breast l am writing regarding th e up roa r over th e Super Bowl halftime show. What is the outrage about? Is it about the exposure ofjanetj ackson's breast? If so, as it seems to be, why? Mr Powell, chairman of the FCC, claims that the e>..1JOSu re of a breast is "indecen t. " Clearly he does not watch much TY, for men's breasts are exposed relatively often . This s ugges ts th at it is n ot breasts that are .indecent, but women's breasts. Which raises the ques tion: Why are women's breasts considered indecent, bu t men's breasts are nor? By defining women's breasts as somehow different from men 's, and sexualizi ng this differen ce by defining women's breasts as ind ecent or obscene, we crea te an enviro nment wh ere wom en's breas ts become targe ts fo r men's sexualized aggression . The real o utrage is jus tin Tim be rlake's aggression aga ins t Ms. jackso n . The ac t of aggressive ly rippin g a woman's clothing to expose her breas t is by definition sexualized aggression . That's th e o utrage ! Wom en are subj ect to rap e and harass ment at alarming rates. A rece nt s tu dy by th e Am eric a n Association of University Women found that 86 percent of yo ung women's first sexu al experiences involved coercion , manipulation , or force . Gi ve n this reali ty, examin ing h ow Janet's breast was exposed becomes mu ch more urgent than th e fac t that h'e r breas t was exposed .

Rus Ervin Funk Co-Founder, Mobilizing lo End violeNce (MEN) louisvi.l!e, Ky. Editor's Note: A version of tlfis letter appeared in the Lou.isvil/e (Ky.) Co urier journal a weel? after the Super Bowl.

Art Kirwin Dominican Friars Memphi s, Tenn.

Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy "Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie".and Thom Herman is a certified Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process that fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts. Thom can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in a workshop setting. When invited Thom works by donation. He also works with clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfield, MA.

For more information check out Thom 's web site at: UJ

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Tflom' Herman, Ph.D.

Wk 41:3. 37 4.133 0'

e-.,;;ail: thomherman@aol.com

M~rriage

for All~o·r Not? (It's About Civil Rights)

The situation was extremely fluid, to the say the least, as Voice Male went to press, with the state of Massachusens poised to possibly allow gay marriages-or not-and hundreds of gay and lesbian couples lining up outside City Hall in San Francisco to get marriage licenses that will-or will not-remain valid, with lawmakers in Boston and Washington getting ready to rumble-ox already rumbhng---,about state and federal constitutional bans on gay marriage , and with "social" con~ervatives everywhere, especially the Catholic Church and the religious right, up in arms about def~pding the "sanc ti ty" of the institu tion of ".traditional," hetei:osexual marriage from tH e barbarian hordes (read: queers and their allies) who want to tear h down. Bus for just a moment, let's get real. What's ailing heterosexual manjiage has nothing ro do With the "institu tion" (not to be confused with Leavenworth or Sing Sing) being "under attack:' by gays and lesbians . They're not attacking marriage; in fact , they :want to join the. ranks of the married-something fewer and fewer straight aduhs are choosing to do. Laura Kipnis pointed out in The New York Times recently that .. only ?6 pet};ent o( all adulrsare married today, down from 75 •·percent 30 years ago. And Kipnis, a professor of media studies at Northwestern University and the author of Against Love: A Polemic , •gbo+potes, .;'The fa~t is that !Jlarriage is a social ins titution in transition , whether conservatives like it or riot. " . "The rise of the new economy," she writes, "has gutted all sorts oftr~ditiona~yalues ,and ties, including traditions like the family wage / job security and economic safety nets. '' Quoting p litical scientist francis Fukuyama's description of the "great disruption" of economy and ~ ociety sine~ the 1960s, she adds that :'it was

postindustrialism, perhaps even more than feminism, that &ansformecl gender roles ... The increasing economic self-sufficiency of women has certainly been a factor in declining marriage rates: there 's nothing like'! checking account to decrease someone'.s willingness to be pushed into marriage or stay in a bad one." Doubtless there are all kinds of reasons not to get marriedthe public radio program MarT<etp lace repo!ted recently that the average cost of a U.S. wedding is about $25 ,000 , which combined with the divorce rate should give one pause-but there remain . many good reasons, or at least compelling inducements, to tie the knot. What manied people know, and what all people in long-term relationships know, whether they're gay or straight, is that keeping the relationship going has nothing to do with white weddings and bridesmaids, and only" a little to do with hearts and flowers and sex and even love. Because to make it work, you've got t6 do the worh: the work of communicating, sharing, compromising, balancing both partners' needs, desites, scheclul es, _.~ nergy leyels, and vulnerabilities. And where children are involved, the work increases-exponentially. So marriage i~ hard. H can bring joy and solace, comfor( and comemmem, even happiness-but it has to be worked at, a!ld it's not to be taken lightly (Brimey Spears notwithstanding) . It's not for everyone-but it should be open· to all who truly wam iF We should sah,1te, encourage, and give our full support as a society to any two people who are willing ·ro take it on-gay or straight, male and/or female-and stop denying equal rights to those who sincerely seek to embark on the demanding journey of>the committed couple. ·

Take,. the.e-Train What? You mean to say you·' re not , already getting .the Mer:~ ' s Reso.urce Center eNewsletter? Okay, don'tfeel bad; not everyone's gotten the W()rd yet. Bucdon' t oe the las t on your listserv. After all, it's free, informative and monthly. The eNevy~le tter gives you the latest-breaking news ofthe MRC, updates on events, and drnesensitive. information that doesn' t make it into the pages of Voice Male.

To subscribe, just e-mail eNewsletter editor Michael Dover: mdover@mel'\sresourcecenter. org

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on Father's Day wo-though more w wear than w give. A red rose sign ifies that one's father is living, while wearing a white rose means that one's father has passed away. It's unclear where and how the stereotypical necktie "tradition" b ecame so ingrained . No thing against the cravat , but doesn't Dad deserve better7

Polling Dads' Thoughts on Father-Daughter Issues A first-time-ever national poll is being conducred w leNn more.about father-daughter relationships \ Dads ·and Daughters (DADs), rhe national advocacy nonprofit for fathers Where did Father 's Day come from' Legend and daughters , is planning w release the has it that the first Father's Day was celebrated results by Fat,her 's Day this year. on june 19 , 1910. In th;;tt year, Sonora Smart Major goals of the po]], include identifying Dodd from Washingwn State honored h er "issues and trends that sup port or detract father, who raised six children by himself, from -fathers having healthy and meaningful by getting the Spokane city council to declare relationships with their daughters ," and the third Sunday in june as Father's Day. raisit;~g "public and media awareness about the After that, the idea spread. President Calvin imp ~mance o[ father-daughter relationships." Coolidge supported the first national Father's The poll asks fG\thers where they get the inforDay in 1924, and President Lyndon johnson marion they use -W be good dads, which sign ~ d a pres·ide11.rial proclamation ir1- 196,6 information they need more of, and what they makm.g the· day; ~{flclal. However, Father s have learned personally from having a daughter. Daydidn'dtctual[y b,et;ome an annual holiday Results from the· poll will help DADs inspire until 1972 , making it a relative rteweol1'1'~r ... · fathers w" tak~ .-a nive roles in their daughters ' in th e field of parental holidays. By contrast, live~ and challenge society w respect women Mother's Day was made an official national and girls. holiday in 1913, after centuries of va_rious To find out more information about DADs traditions honoring mothers. , and the poll, contact john Ball atjohn@dadsand, AI th ough they're more associated with daughters.org or visi,t www.daclsanddaughters.org. Mother's Day, flowers have been a tradition

" Not Another Tie!" The 0rig ins of Father's Day_

IS THIS YOU?. • •

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" What's the Point?

A study released in February shows that openly 1 gay soldiers who served in multinational units with American forces in Iraq and in other joint operations did not undermine unit cohesion, 1 were accepted by U.S . soldiers they served 1 with , and promoted the successful accom- 1 plishment of their units' missions . Should this be a surprise? lt might be w diehard conservatives, and w the firmly entrench ed homophobes running the U.S. military-one of the last Western powers to still ban gays and lesbians from military service , (24 nations, including most of NATO, have lifted previous bans on openly gay and lesbian soldiers). Bur it shouldn't be w anyone else . The c;enrral rationale for the "don't ask, don't tell " policy on gays in the U .5. mili\ary is that allowing openly gay personnel w serve will un.dermine unit cohesion. But this study, commissioned by the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military (CSSMM) at the University of California at Santa Barbara, seriGmsly challenges such assumptions. "We found through academic investigation and analysis that the presence of acknowledged gay, service members clearly has not compromise<;i unit cohesion or operational effectiveness among U.S. military personnel," said Dr. Aaron Belkin , direcwr of CSSMM and a professor at UCSB. "In fact , all of our evidence comes from situations where the U.S. military ordered American units w serve with these openly gay allied soldier.s and officer.s in multinational units , such as those recently deployed in Operation Iraqi Freedom." The study found that American soldiers are able to interact and work successfully with acknowledged gay personnel from foreign militaries-including close allies such as the British military. Where conflicts do arise, they tend to be minor artd to be resolved successfully, and informally. "The Pentagon would presumably defend every instance where they · have assign ed American soldiers to serve with openly gay allied soldiers and officers, particularly in Iraq," said Dr. Belkin. "Therefore, this study 's conclusions raise serious questions about the soundness of the rationale behind 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' particularly when most of , our leading military allies around the world , particularly Britain and Australia , have integrated openly gay personnel into every branch of their armed forces., . For more information and the full text of the study, go w CSSMM's website, www.gaymil-

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If you or someone you know can answer "Yes " to any of these questions you or they may have a problem with abuse. ~ithout help , it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence , men can learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help .. .before it's too late.

MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOL,ENCE Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

itary.ucsb.edu.

A Little Peace (Calendar) Every Day The Men's Resource Center still has on hand a few copies of the breathtakingly beautiful Peace Calendars by nature phowgrapher and Voice Male columnist Charlie Henan. To see images from the calendar, go to

www.flam ingsplure. com/ peaceca lendar. ' Copies of the Peace Calendar are available for $7 at the MRCoffice, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst , MA 01002. All proceeds go to benefit the MRC.

MRC an Underwriter on WFCR

to the generosity of a Men's Resou~ce r donor, the MRC has ' become an mri P n•mrPr of programming on Western New s public radio station, WFCR-FM. · MRC messages are being broadcast three a week through mid-May. If you listen jazz, or the early-morning or lateweekend programs, you may hear the mentioned. WFCR is at 88 .5 FM and be h eard from sou th ern Vermont and Hampshire down to the Hartford area, from parts of the Berks hires to as far east as the Worcester area. You can also lis ten online at www.wfcr.org. If you hear one of our messages, we'd be interested in knowing; drop an e-mail to mdover@mensresourcecenter.org.

Dads and Daughters (DADs) has mounted a campaign against the T-shirts , predicated on the notion that "Girl Power is no t about putting down boys or promoting hate," and that "promoting hate and violence is never acceptable , no matter who the targe ts are. " To see what the issue is all about, you can go to www. dads a ndda ughters. org!ac tion/BoysAre Smelly.html and check out the offending shirts, th en take ac tion by sending a letter of your own to th e company.

NG YOGA THERAPY Body/ mind therapy for men in addic tion and abuse recovery. For more information , visit

charlesriveryoga. com or call 617-834-04 72 Offices in Cambridge, MA Email: therapy@charlesriveryoga.com

ABORTION•GLOBAL• FAMILY PLANNING

Marching for Women's Lives The Men's Resource Center is one of more than 570 oth er organizations nationwide sponsoring The March for Women's Lives, which will take place in Washington, D.C., on pril 25. The march addresses the assaults on women's rights and lives , both nationally and globally, that restrict women's access to reproductive heal~h services and limit women's ability to have a child or to end a pregnancy. Contact th e MRC if you 'd like to march behind the MRC banner. Just send an e-mail to mdover@mensresourcecenter.o~gwith "D.C. March" in the subj ect heading or call (413) 253-9887. For more information abou t the March, visit www.marchforwomenslives.org. The National Organization of Men Against Sexism-Boston (NO MAS) and other pro feminist men's organizations will also be represented in Washington.

Stop the Boy Bashing! The nonprofits Dads and Daughters and Tolerance.org are joining forces to protest a new line of obnoxious and offensive "boy bashing" T-shirts put out by a company called David and Goliath. Th e shirts, emblazoned , with messages such as "Boys Are Stupid: Throw Rocks at Them ," "Stupid Factory: Where Boys Are Made," and "Boys Are Goobers: Drop Anvils on Their Heads," are part of the company's "Boys Are Stupid" line of clothing.

or eight days in October 2003, Men's Resource Center exewtive director Steven Bothin, Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program directo r Russell Bradbury-Carlin, and MRC board member Yolw Kato presented seminars about the MRC and domestic violence prevention in a number of different cities in Ja pan. A total of 13 seminars were presented in nine cities to an estimated 1,750 people. In addition to the seminars, the .three were interviewed by several different newspapers as well as for an article in Fujinkoron, the oldest women's magazine in Japan (c irculatio n 250,000). Th ey also met informally with a number of different groups, including a dinner at the governor of Chiba Prefecture's home, a meeting with a group of Lwiversity professors interes ted in gender equity in Fuhuoha, and a meeting with a group of professional women interested in domestic violence prevention in Hiroshima. What follow s are some perspectives from the trip.

Steven 's Story: Seeds of Change e were invited to j apan after six years of work on Yoke 's part to increase awareness in Japan about domestic violence. During this time Yoko made frequ ent tri ps to j apan to talk with groups throughout th e cou ntry about h er personal experiences with dom es ti c violence - the murder of h er daughter and grandson -and about domestic violence prevention programs in wes tern Massach usetts. Yoko also hosted many gro ups of j apanese professionals in visits to our area and to the Men's Resource Center. As a result of these connections we were sponsored by a variety of]apanese women 's centers, universities, and governm ent agencies to present seminars about the MRC and our approach to working with men who batter. Before arriving in j apan, in cons ultation with a male japanese professor and activist, we created a 'japanese Men's Pledge Against Domestic Violence " (see page 20). Many japanese people, both wo men and men, told us thatjapanesefllen would not sign such a pledge . However, at each of our 13 seminars . we explained why it was important for the men in attendance to sign the p ledge as an expression ohheir commitment to ending domestic violence. Eight days later we had 122 signatures . Although awareness about domestic violence, is s till relatively new in Japan, it became obvious to us that th ere is a quiet revolution happening. As we traveled th e country we met powerful women leaders .who are systematically organi zing in their communities . We also met many men who are slowly, but surely, figuring out how to organize programs for men . They we re all very hungry for informa tion about the Men's Resource Center, and saw our w.o rk as a valuable model and resource for their efforts. The Women's Centers in j apan are completely funded by th e city or prefectu re (sta te) governments . Established in recent years in response to pressure from th e United Nations for progress on gender equity, they are large , compTehensive agencies with many s taff, located in b eautiful , spacious, immaculate office buildings that would make staff members from U.S. women's centers envious. However, several people also said to us that these centers

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Russell's Story: Bringing More Than Bombs oak-ended by views of the su n rising over the Siberian tundra on our way to Japan, and the majesty of Mount Fuji, its snow-capped peak visib le behind clouds on our way home, are man y emotional memories. Our intense, fast-paced nin e days of presentati(Jns were in sharp contrast to our downtime in Kyoto at the end of our trip. We were amazed at the stark contrasts we

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twas a delightful experience for me to be on th e same panel with Steven Botkin and Russell Bradbury-Carlin in one of the many seminars they gave in japan las t October. lt was a wonderful example of men collaborating across cu ltural and linguis tic di fference to fac e th e common problem of male violence. We had been exchanging emails befo re their wur, but when we met, we immediately sensed that we were th e same kind-men who were deeply concerned about th e violence committed by our fe llow men , who personally felt the pain of battered women and children, and who believed that we as men must confront the problem in order to chan ge ourselves and our society. We kn ew we could build a coali tion-a coalition for peace and nonvio lence in our homes. Domestic violen ce is a "n ew" problem in Japan . Needless w say, wife abuse is not new. It has been widespread in j apanese society fo r a long period of time. Yet it has never been regarded as a social issue. lt has always been looked on as a part of "normal" fa mily life . Certainly, a man can beat his wife if sh e refuses to obey him , can't he7 "Suddenly"so it seemed to many men-japanese men were told that a law was enacted to -protect women [Tom abusive husbands. You could be ordered by a court to leave your home if you beat up your wife. You could be punished for no t following th e protection order. Wow! This was all riew. So domestic vio lence becpme a popular topic on TV and in newspapers . Do mes tic violence-related homicides now ge t a great deal of media attention . Yet many p eople sriII believe that abuse is a disease . Surely it is only sick men wh o do such h orribl e things to their wives. Maybe it is alcohol that

found in this ancient city, which in some ways is a composite of Japan . On the one hand , there is the Kyoto train station in the center of the city. A stunning example of cutting-edge architecture with an enormous multistoried interior open to th e outdoors at either end, the train station is the hub for trains, subways, and bullet trains as well as containing a large shopping mall . res taurant pavilion , movie multiplex , and performance theater. Leaving th e station was like leaving the 21st century, particularly when we visited several of Kyoto's 2,000-plus temp les. Th e famous ones, Kinkaku-ji (the Golden Pavilion), Kiyomizu-dera, and Ryoan-Ji, are beautiful , but didn ' t speak to us th e way one of the quieter, less visited temples, Kodai-ji , did. There, Steven and l wandered through a feath e ry bamboo forest and watched the sun set while sitting beside a large raked Zeri garden. Steven was enchanted by a gardener who appeared to have spent most of the day carefully trimming one evergreen tree, clipping and standing back to evaluate before clipping

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"There Had to Be 路a Better Way" My Search for Alternative Treatments for Prostate Cancer By Danny Dover our years ago at the age of 50, I got a phone call from my urologist telling me I had prostate cancer. The news just exploded in my head: my father had died five years earlier of the same disease . For days I broke out in cold sweats and couldn't sleep or concentrate. It felt as if the world as l kilew it was caving in and I was going to die , it was that simple. My wife Mary and I could barely talk to each other. Terrified and isolated, I was sure that any cancer diagnosis was a death sentence. That day four years ago started me on a journey I could never have imagined . My journey began with a remarkable dream that came immediately after the diagnosis, just when I was feeling the most vulnerable . In the dream, I'm surprised to find myself the only rider on a chairlift. Looking ahead I can see . that something is terribly wrong: the lift cables are carrying me forward into what appears to be the solid wall of a huge building. The lift is too high to jump off and I will soon be crushed by the impact. I brace myself for the inevitable but, as I hit the wall, it simply pops harmlessly out of the way like a big piece of styrofoam. The lift continues up through a cavernous building, repeating several more effortless collisions through ceilings and a roof. After safely reaching the top and exiting the lift, I ski down the mountain on a beautiful day, crossing under another chairlift that is completely weighed down with passengers .

recommended surgery or radiation-the almost universal approach. But my research, rather than confirming this advice, was inconclusive. I was surprised to find that there was no compelling evidence that surgery or radiation was significantly more effective than simply doing nothing. Apparently most prostate cancers are either so slow-growingor even nonprogressive-that they will not pose a threat within a man's lifetime . Through an Internet site devoted to alternative treatments for prostate cancer, I purchased a book, Prostate Health in 90 Days by Larry Clapp, which ;spelled out an approach to restoring prostate health without conventional surgery or radiation . Apparently there was good evidence that prostate 路cancer responds well to diet and lifestyle changes. Reading the book filled me with cau tious hope , but also left me feeling confused and skeptical. I joined the Internet list and queried the group about my condition . Within just a few days half a dozen men replied-including one who even called me from Japan! I was moved by their positive stories and heartfelt demonstrations of solidarity. And yet I knew that I was getting in over my head. How could I possibly assimilate all of this medical knowledge in order to make an informed decision? I needed professional advice, but whom could I trust? To whom could I tum? .I had so many ques tions that were not being answered adequately by the

At the time I didn't know what to make of this dream. I rarely remember my dreams, yet路 this one was strikingly clear in every detail. It provided a peculiar kind of confidence, a gift to the soul, that L carried with me co nstantly as I struggled during the 'weeks . ahead to make sense of this new challenge. Eventually I deciphered the dream'.s dear and startling message: I was being guided on a path all my own, which would carry me safely through daul\ting obstacles. I wcis going to be all right. I began an intense period of research to learn as much as I could about prostate cancer and available treatments. The urologist had

doctors I had met. Since almost all men choose surgery or radiation , l felt defensive about challenging this approach. But my instincts-powerfully displayed i,n my dream-signaled that there had to be a better way: Why was the term "cure rate" used by doctors when there is no kriown cure for prostate cancer? If the prostate is removed or severely damaged by radiation treatments, and the cancer comes back, to what does it come back and how much more dangerous is it? Wouldn't I be better off keeping my prostate intact, and carefully monitoring the few cancer cells located there? Mary found the person who could help

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me: Dr. Susan Kowalsky, a naturopathic doctor practicing in our area. I soon learned that naturopathic medicine takes a complementary approach to healing, with practitioners trained in a combination of conventional and alternative medicine. Dr. Kowalsky was the bridge I was looking for: someone who could look objectively at my condition and give advice without having an "axe to grind." With Dr. Kowalsky's guidance and support I slowly gained confidence in the decision to pursue an alternative approach to treating my prostate cancer. She reassured me that my instincts were valid and that many other men were coming to the same conclusions . We discussed supplements and diet changes, fasting and toxin removal , bodywork and stress reduction, hormone levels and dental work, immune system boosters and exercise. Together, we developed a plan to reverse the cancer, restore prostate health , and remove any obstacles to general good 'h ealth that could be identified , while monitoring my health with regular blood tests, ultrasound, and physical exams. More important, a new kind of relatiomhip developed, which I had never experienced with a doctor. Rather than being told what to do, I became an ac tive collaborator with Dr. Kowalsky in restoring my own health. Suddenly I was in the driver's seat. I would be responsible for my own healing and she was there to h elp as needed . At the first appointment I remember both Mary and I cried from the release of tension and anxiety we had been carrying. A h)lge door had been opened . Dr. Kowalsky became the first. member of what I have come to call my "team ." All the health practitioners and teachers who have helped me are on my team. They may not know each other, but they each contribute something unique with their skills to promote my well-being. They include yoga teachers, a holistic dentist , an oncologist, an acupuncturist, a bodywork specialist, an ultrasound specialist, and our family doctor. My team also includes Mary, my family, and frie nds who constan tly surround me with their love and support. Dr. Kowalsky once told me that at the end of a day, she likes to take a moment 路to stand in h er empty office 'ijith her eyes closed., imagining all her patients from that day

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holding hands and dancing around her in a circl e. I have always enjoyed that image. It .inspires me w imagine everyone on my teamdocwrs , healers , teachers , authors , family, friends , my men's group-encircling me in a huge, joyous dance oflove and connectedness. The past four years have brought on great moments of self-discovery, snetching my belief system abour healing imo new terriwry There have also been several relapses inw doubt and disappointment. Through it all , there has been the steady realization that I am pan of a new community of men dealing with this problem regardless of their treatmem choice . My hean has opened w these men, and w the larger community of men and women living with cancer, and I realize that this gift of compassion is pan of my healing. I feel healthier now than at any time in the last 20 years. I've become empowered and energized by taking charge of my own health, and the paralyzing fear is gone. In its place is a much deeper understanding of how l affect my well-being, and a greater acceptance of what is beyond my ,control.

Danny Dover, a chJ;'onic career changer, lives with his wife Mary in Bethel, Vermont. The piano technician at Dartmouth College in Hanover, N.H. , he can be t·eqched at namaste@sovewet

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Becoming a Healing Warri or By Haji Shearer

was in my early twenties, sitting in the living room of my future wife's h ome, talking with her younger sis ter who was about 10 years old. We were having o ne of those discussions that precocious little sisters like to have with their big sister 's boyfri end as he waits for his date to get ready. Careening through pop culture opinions, she was trying on her grown-up attitude ; I was trying to end ear myself to the family. 路 Suddenly, her you nger brother, about six or seven then , burst into the room , a cacophony of noise and energy. He tri ed to change channels on the TV, teased his sister, played with the cat, and launched a covert a ttack against my left flank , all within a couple of minutes. I gently restrained and remonstrated with him. At times I enjoyed his physical hyperactivity, but my mellow mood prefetTed the psychological interplay with his sister. Then as suddenly as h e entered, he was gone. H aving both martial arts and yoga experiertce, I smugly informed his sis ter, "Every man is a healer or a warrior." A conspiratorial smile and a rhetorical question followed: "Which do you think he ' ll bel " She humored me with th e correct answer. "A warrior," she said, as we shook our h eads with mock disappointment. I was firmly in the healer mode at that point in my life. Fancying myself an urban shaman, I practiced meditation and crys tal healing. I experim ented with a variety of h ealing h erbs and fell into an intense love affair wi th 路 one in particular. I dressed in bright, vib rant colors long before th e Fab Five s tarted lending their "qu eer eye" to s traight guys . But without qu ite realizing it or acknowledging it to myself, I was also a warrior. I had to maintain my own safety, after all. The danger in b eing different, in allowing your sensitivity to show, is that some brutish oaf will disrespect your manhood and take your money, woman, pride, or all three. My ability to sustain all this sensitivity was grounded not only in my abiding faith in the protection of the Most High , but also in some specific physiological language I learned in my study of Uechi Rye Karate . "S.e curing the perimeter" is the role most required of a warrior. The healer, on the other hand , is at his best once an external threat is minimized. The healer deals with the internal threa t of sickn ess within the self, disease within relati ons hips, and illness within a community. The warrior deals with threats from 9utsid e the body, forc e from outside . a relationship , or terror from outside a community. Whether to be a warrior or a h eale r, and when, is really a matter of perspective. The tactics chosen by fY!artin Luther King,]r. , and Malcolm X (El Hajj Shabazz) in the struggle for African-American freedom dramatize this. In simple terms, Dr. King saw white people as part of his beloved community-" all God 's

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children"-and thus within th e perimeter, so to speak. Naturally, he chose a h ealer 's strategy. Malcol m X saw whites as a for ce from outs ide his community, so he logically took more of a warrior's approach . The comedian Chris Rock, in his book Rock Thi s! (Hyperion, 1997), points out that the healerversus-warrior decis ion can also be based on size or perceived s trength. "Marti n Luth er

King was a little guy. Malcolm X was a big guy. The little guy talked 路about 1:1s all getting along. The big guy talked about whupping ass. It wasn't an accident. " Although I am 5'9", 135 po unds , I have begun to feel more connected to my warrior nature of late, in pan du e to several years of participation in support groups with o th er men. I' m not sugges ting that male bonding produces warriors, bur rath er a kind of balance. Many men I've met in these groups actually temper an overblown warrior nature with elements of the h ealer and other archetypes, sometimes dramatically so. The limitations of this wa rrior/ healer dichotomy crystallized for me as I was reading How Can 1 Get Through to You? by Terrence Real (Fireside, 2002), a psychotherapist who specializes in men's issues. In the book, the auth or tells the story of his visit to a remote Masai village in Tanzania. As an Ameri can , femin ist-oriented th erapist, he was nervous about how h e wou ld r elate to a "living. remnant of warrior culture. " After several nights of meeting wi th th e tffale'Village elders, he asks the wise men what makes a good warrior, a good moroni. Th ro ug h th eir trans lator, one of the smallest, oldes t men in the grou p replied, "I refuse to tell yo u what makes a good morani . But l will tell you what makes a great morani. When the moment calls fo r fierceness a good morani is very ferocio us. And when the moment calls for kindness, a good morani is utterly tender. Now, what makes a great morani is knowing which moment is which! " I've come to realize it's not the rol e, but the addiction to it tha<t is th e problem. lt 's often pointed out that even one of history's paragons of healing, j esus Chris t, flipped into warrior mode when those damn bankers disrespected .his temple. I'm reminded of the Hindu epic the Bhagavad Gita, where God speaks to a devo tee who is paralyzed while defendi.ng the tighteous on a battlefield.

,God tells him , "lf thou shouldst die (battling thine enemies), thou wilt gain heaven; if thou conquerest, thou wilt enjoy earth. Therefore 0 son of Kunti lift thyself up I Be determined to fight I , Th e challenge is when and how to use th e warrior energy, and when it 's approp riate to switch into another less aggressive, more cooperative mode. Too many men ge t s tuck in the wanior mode when a healing strategy would be more effective. Part of my rationale for regu lar manifesta tion of the healer was to help balance the overabundance of warrior energy on the planet. lt served me well as I lea rn ed to be intimate in relationships and to model that another approach is p ossible for men. Even though the world re mains in n eed of more h ealers, l am exploring more of a warrior's attitude now, to achieve greater internal balance. I' ve enjoyed the shift: Practicing punches and kicks in addition to chanting and meditation. Defending my perimeter more clearly in conversation. Not .being as con cerned with oth ers' perceiving me as a "nice guy." l'm happy to be expanding my repertoire of rol es, as I evolve toward becoming a more balanced "healing warrior." Oh-and I'm happy to report th at my brother-in-law is still searchin g for that balance as well'--from the oth er side of th e spect"mm.

1-Iaji. Shearer directs .fathers' .programs at the Fami.ly Nurtunng Center of Massachu setts in Boston. His Color Lines column on working with .fathers of color appeared in the Fall2003 Voice Male . He lives in Boston with his wife and twq children. Men's Voices: We'd lihe to hear your story of healing and growing as a man. Submi t ideas for 900-word essays to: voicemale@mensresourcecentewrg

Young Men

Waking Up to Women's Reality By Mi les Schwartz Sax confrontation. Men, feeling a need to fulfill the itting in my high school classes no t requirements of being "manly," some times long ago l heard heated debate between ac t ou t by resort ing to physical violen ce . stu dents and teach ers about a planned A play like The Vagina Monologues , which is presentation of The Vagina Monologues, Eve such a powerful piece of art, offers everyo ne Ensler's con trovers ial play abo ut wo men 's a uni que view into th e lives of women . For lives . But it was the female swdents who were men, it is important to learn firsthand what doing th e talking. Our sch ool was ho lding fi ve days of workshops an d presentations 路 wo me路n's lives are like. For some men , just h earing a wo man speak of th e love , or th e leading up to the performance, and we were th e only high school in th e country to pu t 路 oppression, she has experienced will get them thinking ab,out women 's issu es . Hop efully on the play wi th the approval of th e school it will ge t th em thinking about h ow men administra tion, but the question I heard time influence women, positively and negatively. an d again was "Wha t 'do male high school Men n eed to understa nd women just as students have to do with a p lay like tha t?" wo men n eed to unders tand m en . So oft en ln th e classroom debates it was th e females communication is cut off between the sexes who were speaking up. I think that 's great. an d cru cial iss ues are n ever brough t up . I was finally getting to hear female opinio ns Maybe it's because the media has influenced on some of the issues that face women every us to h ave on e-track minds, or maybe it 's day. Bu t why were the male students sitting because we have n' t taken th e time to think quietly during these discussions? Do they truly deeply about these issues. "Women's issues " not care7 Do th ey have no opinions on th ese are just as relevant to men as "men's issues ." matte rs? Should young men not be concerned To grow as people we about issues of :women's all must have undersafety, politics, ideas, standing, and to underand sexuality? stand other people we Young men today play must be compassionate an importan t role in toward them. If people women's issues, whetl1er can share compassion , th ey know it or n ot. then they can be open Living in a male-domto discussion. But right inated society mea n s now, we live in a society wo m en's iss u es are where wome n are at influenced by men. And risk and, in a different since young people are way, so are men. Many our fu ture, young men teenagers don't talk to particularly should pay each other about these attention to issues affectissues, so we go on buying women's lives. In our ing into the media images of men and women. media-driven culture we are constantly bomIf we are to grow as people we must learn barded with negative , stereotyp ed images of to share our ideas . If plays such as The Vagina wo men . Th ey are sh own as oversexualized Monologues are what it takes to ge t men and objects wh o dese rve to be treated badly. women talking, then that's great. But future Popular mus ic constantly bashes women with generations need to learn about th ese issues song lyri cs describ ing them with obscene as well. If we can build community by sharing names . Th e media' p ortray women as sex our truths and creating a shared vision , th e objects and men as horny animals. While the sky is the limit. But we are not there yet. We medi a tr y to make women feel small , th ey have to wa l~ before we can run , and disalso play min d games with men . cussions and education are the 'first step . Wheth er it's talked about or not, many Also , we need to understand h ow the media youn g men have to face the issu es these influen ces not j ust youth , but all of us. lf portrayals raise. Television feeds our thoughts we can break throu gh th e stereo types that so much that most yo ung men expect young se parate us, we'll be well on our way. Who wo men to ac t a certain way and visa versa. knows what 's next? MaY.be befo re too long For instance, if men don' t act sexual toward we will h ave the "Penis Monologu es." women th ey risk being called "gay" or "faggo t. " If a male doesn' t show ph ysical strength h e Miles S. Sax is a senior at Amherst (Mass.) gets called a wi mp. In a high school setting Regional High School, a social activist, and an it 's no d iffe rent. Manliness constantly ge ts avid breakdancer who is involved in va rious measured : "Are you a virgin or not7" "How political theater gro ups. He can be' reached at many girls have you slept with?" Feeding this breahinboy65@hotmail. com. negative stereotype about men only distances us men fro m wo men and from ourselves . Voices of Youth : We'd like to hear what's Since wo men expect males to act toward on young people ~s minds. Submit your ideas for them in a cert ain manner, th ey may get 900-word essays to:voicemale@mensreso Ltrceinvolved in ac tivities th ey d on' t feel ready center.org. for. Sometimes, when a woman doesn't want to be sexu al with a man , it may provoke a

VOICE MALE NEEDS YOU!

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Confessions of an Expectant Father By Ben Ostiguy njul y I will become a dad. As far back as l can remember, I have wanted to be a father. My parents have told me how I asked for a baby doll when I was five years old . Although some people found i1 odd that I, a boy, would make such a request, my parents wanted to encourage my nurturing instinct and got me a doll for Christmas . I can still remember how the doll's eyes would open and close and how the accompanying little toy bottle 's tip would fit snugly into the perpetually pursed lips. Although I eventually los t interest in th e doll , I think l always retained the nurturing instinct that prompted my "unusual" request. Now l am 31 years old and poised to realize my lifelong dream. And l find it interesting that although l have given this moment a lot of thought, I know I cannot even fathom what it will be like to have a child . l try to imagine what it will be like to raise a boy, and then a girl, and I think either would be wonderful and challenging. However, to my surprise , l kind of think l would be a better dad to a girl. Sometimes I even find myself hoping for one. This is surprising to me because I always thought I would prefer a baby boy. I know where this came from: it is one of the most deeply rooted fprms of sexism and arguab ly one of the most influential. Boys pass on the family name. Boys are considered less fragile. Boys are viewed as a sign of family success. Kings have even killed their queens because of a perceived inability to produce a male heir. In my youth, I too was influenced by this misogyny and c ou ldn't even imagine raising a girl. Fortunately, I am no longer that person. In fact , my adu lt life has given me so much more practice living, working, and socializing with girls and women that I think that's why I sometimes lean toward having a gi rl. But I'm happy, and hopeful , either way. Regardless of the baby 's sex , my mos t sin ce re hope is to have a peaceful, loving, and honest relationship with the child I have the honor of caring for. I don't want to get caught up in the perfect/exceptional child stuff that seems so pervasive these days. I'm n ot in ves ted in my child reading ahead of schedule or shooting a basket at age four. I think this sort of expectation only leads to anxiety on the part of both parent and child, and contributes to the growing number of prescription medications for both. I know it sounds idealistic, but I want to approach my child in a calm and centered way, without attachment to specific outcomes . I would like to give my child the opportunity to develop without undue pressure to perform or succeed. The world is full of critics and hurtful people , and I don't want to add my name to that list. Similarly, it has not escaped me that it is possible to transfer the pressure for perfectionism from the child to the parent. I am finding that this pressure is often contradictory

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in nature and in ways that are perhaps unique to men. For instance , I feel a growing desire to earn more mon ey, to b e the primar y provider, while simultaneously wanting to work fewer hours so I can spend more time

with my partner and baby. Another example is my desire to protect my child from physical harm and emotional humiliation , contrasted with my desire to encourage exploration and risk taking. In my journal I wrote , rather naively, about this: ... I want my child to feel the rush of riding a bicycle without a helmet, to climb a tree without hearing calls to "come down right now," and to overhear an adul.t swear and curse. I want my child to get a bloody nose in a fair fight, to get turned down by a love interest, and to cry as we flush a favorite pet fish (dead) down th e toilet. It may sound odd, but I want my child to take some risks and learn from what happens, good or bad. I believe that this is what builds character: How can anyorye develop judgment and integrity if all he or she is ever exposed to is soft and safe? Strength develops in respons e to resistance, to the forces pushing against us . I certainly do not wish harm upon my unborn child, but I would never consciously · choose to sh elter him or her either. It will be inter·esting, and undoubtedly humbling, to see how I will react to my child 's first skinned knee. just the s·ame , l think it is an important lesson to learn how to navigate a wo rld with edges and consequences. On the other hand, as a parent-to-be, I do think it is my responsibility to protect my child from some dangers I believe are more serious th an mere scrapes and bruises. To whatever extent I am capable , I will teach my child through example that men can have relationships with women that are based upon respect, dignity, and principles of equality. I will include my child in my exploration of the privileges I have, and the corresponding responsibilities, as a result of personal and social identities . I will vote and speak my conscience: for peace, for clean and safe en ergy, and for social justice. I hop e to model my beliefs and struggles for my child: to walk my talk, to be true to who I am and want to be. , However much my musings about fatherhood rake me to a host of sometimes contradictory places , ~here's no getting around one salient fact: in a few short months, I will be a dad, ready or nor. Me: the one who puts off laundry until the last minute, the guy who hardly ever did homework as a child , the man who is still trying to figure out what

h e wants to d o with his li fe. l'm looking forward to th e exp erience, to the miracle of parenthood , but l also wonder sometimes if I'm up to the challenge. The source escapes me, bur I r(: member reading somewhere that this is why it rakes nin e months for a baby to enter th e world : it gives p arents rime to emotionally and intellec tually prepare for th e changes to come .. So check in with me again a few months down the road. I'll be b usy, but keep trying. And wish me luck.

Ben OstigHy is a Ca mp LIS Ed ucato r Against Viol ence Against Women fo r Everywoman's Center at UMa ss A mh ers t. He lives in Northampton, Mass. wi.th his wondetjul partner Carol, a happy dog named Lady and as of this SLimmer a new child. He can be reached at ostiguy@admin .umass.edu.

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Fishing for the Father-Son Connection · By Jack L. Daniel and Omari C. Daniel

Poems by Omari C. Daniel We Fish My grandfather stays with my father because he fishes. Wading these motherly banks of the Juniata evokes memory. Each cast, each fish, keeps the memory of hi~ father fresh. This is how we beat death.

to express them. Omari wou ld write poems , felt a strange, confusing pain when , during and l would write related essays. Maybe a 1993 Kwanzaa celebration , l h ea rd a something real and meaningful could be said young African American male give thanks about African American male development for having lived to see his 16th birthd ay. om side the confines of sociopolitical texts. l read th e frorl,):-page news stories detailing Maybe, from our fi shing experiences , we I know if Alzheimer's ever claims my county murd er victims for 1993 and 1994 ; could glean some answers to some of th e father, as it did.his, alii have to do most were African Americans. problems facing African American males in From 1980 to 1993 , young AfTican American is fish. I will fish the Juniata, and structural poverty. And maybe my time in males had a 63 percent increase in suicides. let the memories of my father flow th e s truggle had not passed ; maybe l l longed for solutions rather than ye t through me. Fishing for channel cats, did have something to say about buildanother recitation of statistics doing the Juniata float, and sneaking ing the ark. At about the same time l associated with young black ,.,,, ,,.,,•• •·" down the back side of the church was experiencing this exci tement of men killing each other, themideas came a trem endous Father 's to fish on Sundays. I will fish selves, and o thers, day after Day gift. day. One woman quoted in the · because we fish, and they fished, and newspaper no ted, insightfully, I know my father can never leave me, Reflections on Father's Day l thought : "We don ' t need any if I just fish. Daddy, you 've written so many letters more forecasts of rain. We need lihe th is over the yea rs, 1 fig ur~d it to build th e ark." was about time to write yotl one in The First of the Great Ones l was stuck in a slow funk of retum. When I thin!? about many depression. I'd had a lot to say about Uncle William was the first of my friends , and th e all aspects of African American life of the great ones to go many young black as a b lack revolutionary college people in this cow1News of his heart attack was s tud ent in the 1960s, but now had try who have never relayed to his brother Nash, so little to say about resolving had any reason to celeAfrican Americans ' problems in my father, and me on the river. brate a Fath er's Day, th e 1990s . ln the midst of th ese • "Doctor sa id he woufdn 't make it i.t really mahes me thin!? thoughts , my son , Omari, shared . througn the night" but we about how ILt.chy 1 am. with me so me poems h e had didn't cry or leave As a Dani.el Man you wTitten. As l read them , l expewere only doing what was we knew to play cards and rien ced a surge of excitement : expected, 0 1· par for th e to drink gin for him this young man had escaped the co urse, so I can't give you and in the morning time period and circumstances too much cred it for that, but that had caused others to be we knew to keep fishing . . 1 am lu chy to have a father jailed, killed , or in other ways who tool? the time to do so many After cleaning our catch, destroyed . My so n was in s0 Yau,,geso;. things with me . . college, and had made th e Dean's ''·Ja,o, <tck, o I packed and headed back The things you did with me and List. lt was my so n wh o was express ing to Maryland where the answering ··-""'--.. lir,,. me, as yotl know, go Jar beyond profound thou ghts abou t life. · machine was already blinking. games. Basically, as l have expressed in some Omari had written about the dee pening My mother's voice claimed poems, you made me into a Daniel Man , and of our fath er and son relationship while .we that Uncle William was gone, yo u lmow-all of the things li.he loving yourwere fishing. At first , as far as Omari's poems ta l?ing care of yott r family, etc., that go self, it seems that he had Iived about fishin g were co nc ern ed , l jus t d idn ' t along with that. It 's funny, btlt a lot of things it through the night, get it. Omari and I had always fished together; seemed w~e you were doing to me at that I had never seen our fishing togeth e r as he' had waited for Nash time, were really being done for me. A peranything other than , well, just fishing . I loved and my father to return. f ect example ·ofr~h-~s is when l am editing other fishing so mu ch that I had been nickn amed people's papers , or my own for tlwt matte1; He wanted to know the Bassman . For years , l thought I had only and 1have to ptlt in com mas. Every time l add been sharing my love of fishing with my son, how the fishing was missing commas, l think bach to when yotl my father, and o ther important men in my my father told him .. wottld leave me sentences to do when l came life. However, the content of Omari's poems He wanted to know home from school, and l smile or chuckle to made me see a co nnection between th e time how the camp was myself Well, 1 guess I'll move on. 1 wotildn't we had spent fishing and th e relationships want to gas your head up too much. After all, my father told him . we had built with each other and the oth er we have you r age and blood pressure to worry He wanted men in our family. Readi ng these poems, I abottt (l-la, l-l a) ... was reminded that at least four consecuti ve to know who had caught · 1 think l only have one more topic fo r this lette1; . generations of "Daniel men" had more th an the biggest bass and and that is fishing Over the years, I have never survived, despite the mountains and valleys as my father was telling him quite had th e feve r for fishing /.ike you have, each had needed to conquer. His poems shed the story, William grinned and I suppose that is what keeps you on top. new light on the strengths of the men in his But !love going, and wouldn 't trade the tim e and waited patiently life who had helped him grow-and on th e I spend fis hing with you for anything. When I tor him to finish way thai fishing had given us a space within hear stori es of you goi ng with other people, 1 before bugging his eyes. which to share those strengths and that growing ge t a little jea/.ous, bt1t th en I am happy that process. Reading Omari's work , l b egan and dying calmly yo u go t to enjoy yourself When you go by thinking abou.t the subs tan ce necessary for Saturday July 8th 1995 yo t11·self, I wish 1 were there. 1 am glad when the building of that ark. (continued on page 21) A rush of ideas came to me, and I wanted

...

."I Don't Know What I'm Feeling" Teaching Men to Speak (and Feel) Emotionalese By David Kundtz Alexithymia: Diffiwlty in describing or recognizing one's emotions ... The word is used to describe persons who define emotions only in te rms of bodily sensations or behavioral reacti.on .. 路 -Psychiatric Dictionary

Wl1en I do good, I feel good. Wlt en I do bad, I feel bad. And that's my religi.on. -Ab raham Lincoln iven the culture in which me n have been raised, it 's no wonder that many of us are challenged by the feelings part of life . We often can't seem to recogn ize and talk about th e feelings we are having at any given moment. What we do instead is run away or cover up. As soon as we feel someth ing, or someone else in our presence is feeling somethingespecially if it 's a strong feeling like fear or attraction-we run from it before it has a chance to let us know it's there, much less get expressed. Running means changing the subject, distrac ting yourself with some oth er activi ty, or moving on to something new. Or we cover it . With TV, music, sports , humor, sex, laughter. Any thing that covers over and hides the feelings tha t are there. So when someone asks us what we're feeling, we can often truthfully say, "Oh , nothing." We're not lying, because we run so quickly fro m the feeling or cover it so well that we literally don't know it is th ere.

Steve's Story

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Here's a story of a man who is very good at the thinking side. He is a member of Mensaonly very high IQ's invited. His name is Steve. He and his wife, Amy, are in th eir late thirties , with two young kids, th eir own home, and successful wo rking lives. They have come to see me, a family therapist, because th eir marriage is troubled . During our fifth or sixth session , without .warning, Amy says she believes their marriage. cannot survive and she wants a divorce. Bam! just like that. To this sobering announ cement, Steve reacts with a sad, vacant stare into space. It lasts a long 15 seconds ; no one says a word.

I am as surprised as he is. Then, without saying anything, h e calmly stands up, picks up his coat and briefcase, and walks out of my office. Jump ahead two weeks. After several attempts , l convince Steve to come in on his own "to talk about it. " When he comes to my office, I can feel him bristle. He doesn't want to be here. We start talking; or rather, l start talking. From him I get nothing but grunts, noises, or sh akes of the head. Clearly he is in pain A couple of times he glances at me, silently begging me to end th e torture and let him go. He just can't say much of'anyt hing. After one particularly long period of silence, I notice 1 am really ge tting ann oyed and think to myself, Thi s nwst be wha t his wife fee(s. Then l ask , "Well, Steve, what about just telling me, briefl y, what you are fee ling righ t now, knowing th at your wife intends to divorce you7 " His response begins slowly, then quickly builds force as his eyes snap wide to attention, rise up , and rivet me. His fac e becomes flushed , his body rigid, his fists clenched , and his look enraged. Then he bolts from his seat, storms across the room, rums back toward me-now fevered and furious-raises his arms high (to attack? to entreat?) and literally screams, "You sound just like my wife! Don' t you see? " And then even louder and more anguished, "I don 't know what I'm feeling!"

When my heart re turns to its normal beat and I take a deep breath or two- he is now slumped in his chair, spent and embarrassed - I say in a quiet vo ice, "Oh ." After a mome nt I said it again. "O h." I could only hope the simple word expressed what I wanted hi m to know: th at l heard him, not just his words-I'm sure half th e building h eard those-but him . More important, I wanted him to know that I ac tu ally believed him : he did n ot kn ow what he was fee ling abo ut his marriage, his possible diyo rce, and even about his wife . Steve simply did n ot know his emotional state, an d thus cou ld no t put it into words. He knew he was in pain, but beyond that,

h e simply didn't know. It was n' t that h e didn't want to know. In fact h e did want to know.- It wasn' t that h e really knew bur just wou ldn't tell me. No, he really didn't know. He truly had n o words fo r his fee lings. Steve was a man in his late thirties when this happened. He was so used to nor knowing his fee lings th at he didn' t know th at he d idn ' t know.

It's Not Too Late In this situation-not being able to put into words th e emotions we are experiencingmany men find we are misj udged as stuck-up or stubborn or eve n stu pid. Sometimes we even judge ourselves with those words . But in the vas t majority of situat ions this is not true. Almost always what we are going through are the effects of ou r lack of training in the ways of deali ng with feelings. Man y times, when the feelings finally do come out , they co me out in an explosio n , like S t ev~'s did. And often th ey ge t us in to trouble. At best we're accused of overreacting; . at wo rst we' re seen as fearsome or violent. It's a no-win situation. There's a point I want to make with Steve's story: If you begin now to find ways to attach words-or some other healthy means of expression-to your feelings, yo u can avoid su ch sad situations. It's never too late! Today Steve co ntinu es his slow bu t sure journey to emotional fitness . Al thou gh he and his wi fe separa ted fo r a few months, they both did four months of counseling and 'h ejoin ed a weekly men's group . They got together again and are now giving th e marriage a second chance.

David Kundtz is a fam ily therapist and public speaker; with degrees i.n psychology and theology. His website .is at www.stopping. com. This article was adapted from his book Nothing's Wrong: A Man's Guide to Managing His Feelings, published in 2004 by Conari Press. Used by permission.

Emotional literacy In our culture, feelings are not talked about very much. Unfortunately, you can't take a course in feelings at any school. All human beings, male and female, have feeling s and have the capacity for the full range of emotional expression. But sometimes boys and men act, and are treated, as if we don't haveany feelings . Another way to talk about this is with the.term "emotional literacy," whfch is abou t being comfortable with the language of feeling s. We ~II have a history-the stories of our successes and failures-of dealing with our fee li ngs, and it is helpful to know what you r history is.

Your Relationship to Feelings Here are a few questions , broadly based on Claude Steiner's When a Man Loves a Woman, to help you find out about you r relationsh ip with feel ings. Keep track of "yeses" and "noes." (These questions ar&- applicable to all, .regardless of orientation.) • Do your feelings sometimes puzzle you? Are you sometimes unable to understand them or know what to do abo ut th em? • Do you r feelings sometimes get out of control? Like a feeling of ang er? Or feeling sad and depressed? • Do you sometimes feel very alone and left out, with the sense that yo u are missing out on something importan t? • Do people complain that you are a loner? Different from everyone else? That you are cold? Stuck-up? Mean? • Do you have trouble getting to know friends more than just casually? • Do you experience your feelings of liking oth ers as coming and going and changing quickly? • Are you embarrassed to ask for what you want or to talk about being hurt? • Do you have trouble crying? Or do you cry a lot? • Do you avoid emotional situations like good-byes? Or people who are grieving or sick? • Are you embarrassed when someone shows affection for you in publi c? • Do you sometimes avo id feelings by expecting the females in your life- family member, wife, friend-to live yo ur emotional life for you? If you answered "yes" to some or all of these questions, or if your "noes" were weak or doubtful , then yo u're just li ke most of us guys. Like the rest of us, you have a degree of emotional illiteracy, you are sometimes at a loss when it comes to knowi ng what to do about feel ings. "Now what do I do?" is often as far as we get.

Three Steps to Emotional Fitness What do you actually do with feelings? How do you deal with them? What are the practical steps for a man to take? One answer is the Three Steps to Emotional Fitness. They are: 1. Notice ttie feeling. Don't run , don't cover; stay with it. Feelings often begin in the body. 2. Name the f(Jeling. Pick a name to identify what you feel. What exactly is it? Is it anger, sadness, fear, confusion, resentment? Try to discover what the feeling is about. · 3. Express the feeling. Get the feeling outside you "Go public" with it (as appropriate!) by talking with a fri end, moving your body, writing in you r journal , singing, yelling , smiling . The quick version of the Three Steps to Emotional Fitness can be used anytime-while you're in the car, during a class break, at you r computer, a.s you walk down the street, as you wait in line, on your way home. Just remember: Notice, Name, Express.

Resources 200 Ways to Raise a Boy's Emotional Intelligence by Will Glennon (B erkeley, Calif.: Conari Press, 2000) Destructive Emotions: How Can We Overcome Them? A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama by Daniel Go leman (New Yo rk: Bantam, 2003) Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (New York: Bantam, 1995) Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (New York: Bantam, 2000) The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men by Michael Gurian (New Yo rk: Tarcher/Putnam , 1999) Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (New York: Ballantine, 1999) Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack (New York: Henry Holt, 1998) I Don 't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real (New York: Fireside, 1997) The Language of Feelings by David Vi scott, M.D. (New York: Pocket , 1976)

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Reflections on Safer Sex By Les Wri ght was very encouraged recently w be asked for my thoughts on safer sex and sexual practices in the gay male subculture wday. Everywhere there are public health announceme nts promoting the virtues of safer sex. We have seen numerous ad campaigns come and go, yet none of them seems w have had any of the desired effects upon th eir target audience. And in my everyday social encounters nowadays, it seems safer sex is a taboo topic fo r conversation. It see ms gay men would rather risk infection in order w keep a hard-on· than w talk about safer sex, maybe even negotiate some limits. Human beings are social creatures and sexual creatures. It is in our nature to be sexual, regardless of the specific form that takes. Sexual appetite comes with the territory. I usually say that sex is "good," but it is also necessary, just as eating, sleeping, and leading a meaningful life are necessary firs t and foremost, and become "good" if we work at them. Every day that you decide w get out of bed and go out into the world, have ted a certain amount of risk. Maybe today you will be hit by a bus, or a tornadoswept house from Kansas will drop on your head. Who knows? I assume a certain amount of risk-taking when I become sexually ac tive. I accept those risks. l also expect any sexual partner to share the same level of resp9nsibility l engage in sexual practices that , for the most pah, fall under the published "safe sex guidelines." . Any specific limits , or gray areas , l expect to negotiate up front with my potential partner. If there is no negotiation, or no discussion, then l stay well within those limits. And even with n ego tiation, th ere are certain limits I will not cross. If this is not acceptable to my partner, then we do not play These are the rules that are observed in SM/leathersex play circles. I am not interested in fooling around with a fool, whether a virgin, a novice , or a longtime player. l define and practice safer sex from a definition and actual sexual practice worked out a good 20 years ago, when I was living in the eye of the AIDS epidemic in San Francisco. Let me add that in my travels ou tside of New England, I have found that the same rules and the same sensibilities still applyin New York, in Fort Lauderdale, in Montreal, in Dallas, in Washington, D.C. I think some of this is a "gen erational thing," and some a "stree t-wise" urbangay survival skill. I have HIV I h ave lived with HIV for well over two decades. Like a seasoned lion-tamer, l bear the scars of where I have been bitten and clawed. It is a miracle that some of the

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sessions of taming the lion did not kill me . The p oint is, I am by no means perfect : l played very unsafely for years before l got th e message about safer sex. l have had th e good fortun e of learning from usually fatal mistakes. No t many gay men have had that opportunity. I should point out that I was infected at a point in time before anyone even knew HIV was out there. Suddenly, all my friends and lovers and fuck buddies started ge tting sick and dying. lt was still months before l would know anything about these mysterious attacks of illness and sudden death. We always learn the best from the 'mistakes we make. Sometimes that's the only way we learn. l am in no position to moralize to youngsters, nor do I think proselytizing has the least amount of effect anyway. If anything, telling other gay men how, where , and what kind of sex to have only puts more bad ideas in th eir h eads. Half of what I have done sexually over the years I never would have done, had I not seen someo ne else do it and make it look like forbidden fruit. I do not know what th e answer is , except that each one of us mus t figure out our own answers and apply them, at leas t for as long as they work. And then we need to go out and come up with new answers. Key to th e answer for each of us is how we define the problem. Sex is natural and necessary, ye t we, as gay men, live in a socie ty th at tells u s that our being natural and having needs is an unacceptable concept. Gay sex, by definition, is forbidd en fruit , even if it 's just thinking about having it. And when we enter th e arena of ac tive sexual practice we have to deal not only with all of those internaliz~d,. ,n e,ga tive values seri ously clouding our natural sexual and emotional needs and desires , but with other men (wheth er they identify as gay or not) and all of the baggage they are carrying, much of which they are not tuned into . Part of my answer, for myself, is this: Know what choices you are making, for you are making choices all the time. HIV infection is not like getting a speeding ticket or flunking a tes t. You will live with th e consequ ences and th ere is no one to give you "another chance." May you realize this when you still h ave the ch oice to make your own choice.

Les Wright teaches cultural studies courses and serves as Chair of the Department of Humanities and English at Mount Ida College, is founder and executive director of the Nashoba In stitute for Non-Hegemonic Masculinities, and is a regular reviewer for Cu ltureVulture.net.

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(Steven's Story: continued from page 8)

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are still often unclear about their mission as agents of social chan ge . Although we expected that translation would b e a time-consuming p an of our seminars, we were surprised at th e complicated"and significant ways in which translation affected what we were tr yin g to communica te . American and j apanese stru cture and style of communicatio n are very different, sometimes making direct translation of words and ideas diffic ult. ln ad dition , b ecause th e field of do mestic violence is still relatively ri ew in j apan , th ere were nor always specific and familiar wo rds in j apanese for some of the English "technical" lan guage. We were sometimes left unsure about how accurately th e complexities of our approach were b eing understood . As do mestic violence emerges into th e public consciousness in j apan, new tensions are emerging in j apanese society. Activists are pushing th e governm ent to establish strong d o m es ti c vio lence laws , co mpreh en sive res training orders , an d other effective protective services for b an ered women . ln the. process, they are coming up against a growing con cern in j ap an about a shrinking population , and thus a focus on the preservation of marriages and families. Some j apanese men , wanting to play a role in addressing domestic violence, are forming groups for abusive men. These groups often focus on providing support and compassion for the men, giving them a place to "complain" and "relieve th eir stress" without directly confronting their :abusive behavior-something quite antithetical to what happens in our MOVE p rogram , for example, and in most other banerers' treatment programs in th e United States. We were told that direc t co nfro ntatio n is 'n ot approp ri ate within japanese culture; mor(:over, group leaders said that men would not voluntarily come to , or stay in , programs that challenged them . lnto. this environment we (naively at times) brought th e MRC philosophy of "compassionate confrontation ." We described a men's resource cem er th at could .both support men and challenge men 's violence , based on es tablishing trusting and collaborative relationships with services for b anered women, courts, and other violence prevel).tion organizations. We described how the MOVE program helps abusive men to make changes in their beh avio rs , as well as advocating for victim protections. And we were m et with cautious excitement. Our trip to J ap an was a powerful and important experi ence for ourselves, for th e MRC, and for- many in that country who heard our message and saw new possibilities for th eir own society. We engaged with the cuning edge of a change process that will be affecting an entire nation. The need in japan for role models of men actively working for gender equality creates an opportunity to use the expertise of the Men 's Resource Center to help shape the direction of social change. We now have relationships and continue to be in touch with many Japanese women and men working for gender equality and an end to domestic violence. We want to continue to be a resource and ally with them , and know that many of these relationships will cbntinue

(Russell's Stmy: contim1ed from page 8) . to grow in ways we cannot predict. We are n ow exploring opportunit ies to reru m to j apan to continue this work-clearly, this is another step in a long collabo ration between th e MRC and j apan. At a time when there are so many ways that we can feel ashamed about how our co untry is beh aving within th e world co mmunity, we are proud to represe nt peo ple from the United States who can bring messages of equality, respect, and peace to our sisters and brothers around the world. We sought to carry this work to j apan, and together with activists an d far-seeing individuals in th at co untry, we are planting seeds for wo rldwide change. -Steven Botl<in

more. lt was like wa tching someo n e prun e a life-sized bonsai-an d an example of th e nurturing side of Japan ese men. There were other visits to more ico nic pan s of japan: several jaunts on bullet trains (170 miles per hour), a brief stop at a p ac hin ko parlor- think of a venical pinball machine, loud music, brigh t flashing colors, and enough cigarette smoke to las t a lifetime-and plentiful am ounts of tofu and sushi (including a go urm et all- tofu res taurant and su shi b ar with pieces of raw fis h an d ri ce passing by you on a conveyo r belt) . There were also several aspec ts of our trip that were bo th sobering and heartfelt. First, th ere was our visit to Hiroshima, where th e United States dropp ed th e atom bomb on August 6, 1945 . Steven , Yoko, an d l visited the Peace Memorial Museum, which features a graphic depiction of th at tragic day and its aft erm ath , which few in the U. S. ever h ear about in derail. Most profound to me was the way that city has tru ly embraced peace: the Peace Park balances memorializing a tragic past and in spiring hope for a peaceful future. Most significant from our amazing trip was th e conn ec tion we made with people. Everyone was fri endly, pleasant, and helpful. Snapshots that co ntinu e to stay with me: 1 An imprompw dinner at a governor's mansion. Governor Domoto of Chiba Prefecture - prefectures are the same as states in the U.S.' -wined and di ned us on Fren ch cuisine! A gen erous man nam ed Yusaku , director of a men's center in Tokyo, taking off from work for half a day to show us the city's sights. Mie, a trans'l ator,who spent three gru eling days with us and was will~ng to answer every question Steve n and l had abou t japanese cul ture. []earn ed more ab out th e j apanese people from her th an from an yone else. And , finally, at our first presentation in Osaka, the moment I realized the significance of our visit at this time in world history. Before introducing Steven , Yoko , and me to the audience, our co-presente1; Ichiro Numazaki, noted, "It is nice to know that Americans bring mo re than bombs. " - Russell ,Bradbwy -Carl.in

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(fuhi ngfor the Father-Son Conection: from page 15)

(lchiro's St01y: continued from page 8) makes them do it. Or they may just be crazy. Even many specialists, especially psychiatrists and clinical psychologists , consider male violence as a symptom of certain personality disorders or some kind of trau ma . Sound familiar? Yes , japanese today are at the same stage where you were in the 1970s. We are struggling to make sense of men's violence to "their loved ones." lnjune 2001 . 1 attended a four-day training course for counseling abusers at Emerge, in Cambridge, Mass ., and !learned the latest philosophy and practice of barterer intervention programs in the United States. The first lesson !learned was the idea that "men choose violence." Big surprise! The second was that "men have to take responsibility for their violence. " So to change violent men is to reeducate them : to make them realize and admit that they chose to be violent and must learn to take responsibility for that. Back in japan, l talked with activist friends in the battered women's movement. They have been building shelters for vic tims and lobbying for tougher domestic violence prevention laws for some time. They all agreed that the "violence is a choice" theory made perfect sense, having suspected all along that the "violence is a disease" model did no t explain barterers ' attitudes and behavior. Yet because of the popular image of men's violence as an eruption of pent-up anger and frustration (l call it the "volcano model") , an.d the still-common professional diagnosis of men's violence as a psychological problem, many people came to believe that the solution to domestic violence is medical or psychological treatment of barterers. If only they can be "cured, " their marriages can be preserved, and their families restored. Thus wh en japanese hear about barterer intervention programs in the United States , they wrongly thin!.< Americans know how to "cure" barterers. So Steven and Russell were welcome allies from abroad-not just for me , but for all the · activists in the battered ·women's movement in japan. Many japanese for the first time learned firsthand , from men , that domestic violence is a problem of power and control; that gender inequality enables some men to choose violence as a means of controlling women and children; that we must help men take responsibility for their violence by confronting them-not accusingly but compassionately-and by challenging gender inequality in society at large; and mos t important, that there is no miracle "cure " for male violence. Steven and Russell, l thank you both fo r coming to Japan with a message of peace and nonviolence-a rarity in this era of war and vio.lence-for Japanese men . It is very important that men deliver such a message to men . You gave us hope that men can be women's allies in the "movement for" no more violence or abuse in our families. (l refuse to use a military expression of "fighting against" something. Men must stop fighting and start caring.) And, Yoko Kato, l thank you too for coming. As always, you worked so hard in so many places in such a short time. You have been a great inspiration for all of us . We all admire you and aspire to be like you. -Ichiro Numazaki

Japanese Governor Praises MRC Approach The idea of a Men's Resource Center to rehabilitate perpetrators is a new · concept for japan, and unfortunately we are not yet as progressive as you all in the States. Having you attend the seminar and teach us about the Center has had a huge influence not just on my pre-, ' fecture and myself, bur also on the whole . of j apan I'm sure you 'll be pleased to, hear alongside Tokyo , Chiba Prefec ture chosen as one of two. model prefectures in the work of rehabilitating perpetratol'S, •• Also, the book on DV l have beenwoj'king., . on for thepast two years has finally ' been publi,?hed. Th ere is a ~ eqion on the rehabilitatio n of perpetrators, and I mention the Men's Resource Center. Ahiho Damato Governor of Chiba, japan httpJ/www.prefchiba.jp

(Eaitor's Note: This 'is an excerpt from1a~"l : e-mail sent to the MRC after the trip to Japan.)

VOLUNTEER WITH VOICE>MALE! Interested? (fl3) 253-9887 or voicemak@mensresourcccen tc1~ org

you catch fish, and love the sound of your vo ice, and the excitement in it when you tell the stories, and 1 kind of feel like 1 was th ere. 1don't really like fi shing with other people but so mL1 ch. It is fun. I spend most of the time playing or talhing stuff with the friend 1 am with, but it isn't really fishing. It is only "fishing" when you are there, because it is "us" together; and I cherish those moments more than you can imagine. Thanks! Omari, Bassman Jr. It took a day for me to collect my emotions before l could talk about this with Omari. The next evening, l called him, thanked him for the letter, and proposed that we begin writing a book, focusing on his earliest childho o d memori es of our fishing. He was emphatic in his response. "No , Daddy. You need to begin by figuring out why you have the ' fever ' when it comes to fishing ." l was so oveljoyed at the prospect of writing with my son that l agreed , even though , at that time, l didn' t know exac tly what the "fever" meant. Nor was l anywhere near understanding how my "fever" might have anything to do with helping to build the ark African American men needed so desperately. l only know that its force propelled me forward. Thus , the journey began .

jack L. Daniel is vice provost for undergraduate studies and dean of students at the University of Pittsburgh. Omari C. Daniel is a poet and teacher in the Montgomery County Public Schools in suburban Wa shington, D.C. This column is adapted from their book, We Fish: The joumey to Fatherhood (University of Pittsburgh Press, 2003). Reprinted by permission .

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Mystery of the Father By Michael Burke Big Fish (2003) Directed by Tim Burton Released by Columbia Pictures Rated PG-1 3 Time: 2 hours, 5 minutes

.....

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ell into the recent father-son movie Big Fish, the qu ie t son , Will Bloom (played by Billy Crudup), describes his strained relationship with his larger-thanlife raconteur fath er, Edward (Albert Finney): "We 're two strangers who know each oth er very well ." How many men might desc ribe themselves and th eir fa thers in much th e . , same way? Big Fish focus es its lens on this paradoxical father-son relation ship an d its historyalthough I must admit that just after having , seen it, I wondered for some tim e what it was about. Was it about the garrulous father's incessant storytellin g, and th e truth or falsehood behind th e tall tales h e spun for his son all through his growing u p? Was it about th e fath er 's inability to refrain from dominating his son'.s life with his presence, his refusal to see his son as a se parate self? Was it about th e s tories we tell ourselves and others about our pas t- not quite lies , but not s trictly accurate historical truth , either? Was it ab out h ow we face death , or what legacy we leave to th e living? On some level , Big Fish is ab out all th ese things . But in the end , I decided , it's really about what we might call the Mystery of the Fath er: Who is h e? What was h e? What does h e do when he 's away from ho me? Does he have another life? Did he ever' ls he who I think h e is? How do es h e app ear in others ' eyes? How will ! rememb er him when he 's gone? The gifted Finney plays th e fath er as an old man ; Ewan McGregor plays his younger self: His wife is played in the present tense by the venerable jessica Lange, .whil e th e radia nt Alison Lohman plays th e young woman whom Edward Bloom firs t sees at a circus and determines to marry, virtually enslaving himself (like the biblical]acob) to the circus owner (Danny DeVito) for three years in order to find out her name, whereabouts, and other details-one item p er month ("Her favorite flower is th e daffodil ") . The story b egins with Paris-based UP ! teporter Will Bloom's sudden reentry into his father's life, after three years of silent distance, as his fath er is dying. He flies back to Alabama with his pregnant Fren ch wife to be at his father's side, and struggles once again to reconcile the charming, evasive old gem with the enigmatic Hero of a Thousand Stories h~'s grown up hearing about, imagining, believing in , and then discarding as a lie , or at best a cypher. After all, these weren 't just any stories. Bloom the father, a traveling salesman, wasn't home a whole lot, but when he was he apparently tried to make up for his absen ce by

fillin g his you ng son's h ead with fantas tic ' tales of his exp loits: his mu ltisport athletic triumphs, his coaxing of a sheep-eating giant out of a cave , his wooing o f his wife-to-b e, his discovery of an idyllic Shangri-la hidden away in th e Alaba ma swamps, his time wi th the freaks in the circus, his wartime heroism, and his路 mythic catch-and-release of th e "big fish" o[ th e title, which allegedly took place on the day of his so n's birth . Cru du p, as th e ad ult W ill Bloo m (grea t name!) , doesn't know wh at to make of th is fictive legacy, and at first neither do we. Was any of it tru e? If not, wh at was th e tru th' His fa th er co uld be ch arm ing, especially to women : Did he have affairs? Did he maintain an oth er family somewh ere? Was th ere perhaps some involve ment in criminal ac tivity? Or was the truth just too boring, to o dry, too d evo id of dramati c ac tion to be worth th e telling' Did his father live an outsized lifeor just an average exis ten ce , enhanced by repeated embellishment? Will doesn' t kn ow, though he fi nds a few clues when he begins doing some digging in to his fa th er's past. In th e end, of course, there's no definitive answer: like a novelist or a filmmaker, Edward Bloom was at heart a storytelle[ He told about his past as he wanted it to be-so that it made a good story-even when that blurred or obscured th e "[acts ,"

, llrthe end, I decided, Big Fish is about the Mystery of the ~ather: Who is he?,. What was he? What does he do when he's away from home? How does he appear in others' 路 eyes? And how will I remember him when he's gone? and even when it avoided relating the emotions he felt abo ut what he exp erien ced . Little wonder that his son has trouble sorting out his own tangled feelings ab out his fath er. It seems clear that among oth er motives, th e fa th er 's yarns are spun as a gift to his son , as amusement and solace for himself (probably on long drives home from sales trips) , and as a way of exerting some ultimate control over his life and its meaning. Close to death, confined to a hospital bed , he tells his so n repeatedly, "This isn ' t how I go"alluding to anoth er of his tall tales, in which as a boy h e supp osedly saw his death in th e glass eye of a wi tch . To th e end, he refuses to tell th e son what h e witnessed , refuses to give up th e punch line-so th e ending is .up for grabs, fodder for ye t an oth er stor y, and ano ther gift-from a different source th is time. Big Fish is an odd, but odd1y moving, film about fathers and sons, feelings and stories, truth and falsehood, and the difficult legacy, and mystery, bequeathed by fathers to th eir sons.

Michael Burke is managing edito r of Voice Male. You can contact him at M)Bw路kedit@aol. com.

THE

MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER [,:

TAPESTRY'S MEN'S HEALTH PROJECT

are having a

••••••••••••••• For gay &bi~exual men

Movies About Fathers and Mentors n the past couple of years Hollywood has actually given us several good films about men who either are fad1ers or take on me role of fathering-that is, mentoring-young people, often with mixed feelings and sometimes with surprising consequences. L heartily recommend d1e movies that follow to any man-bu t especially to men who want to examine and really feel their feelings around being a father, being a son, memoring a child, growing older: in short, being a man. That many films-from Casablanca to Rain Man-can put me immed1aq:ly in touch with certain emotions, but these films are particularly good in my view because they hone in on the specific predicament or sttuation of men today: how we take care of ourselves, how we take care of oiliers, how we face death and define our lives , how we treat women, children, and·other men. These are some o[ my recent favorites:

• I I 1 agingjack Nicholson, faced with the loss of his wtfe (to death) and his daughter (to marriage, to a man be despises), writes letters to an African boy he has sponsored wh ile attempcing to make sense of his life as a suddenly oere ft retiree and widower. Nicholson's portrayal of ilie loneliness and bewilderment of a man as h e faces his "sunset years'' is uncomfortable, true, and riveting.

lt might just as well have been tided About a Man. Hugh Grant' s talems are shown here in their best light as a charming, self-absorbed womanizer who pre)(S on single mo thers (they're starved for affection, he reasons, and thus grateful for every crumb) while masquerading as a single dad, until he's practically forced to become a father figure to a real boy, and finds that he takes ro the job-and the boy. Naturally, as Grant becomes more .real and authentic, stops lying ro himself and others, he becomes more appealing as a ch aracter, and as a man-which doe n't hurt him with the ladies, A disturbing but beautifully rendered rale about an obsessivecompulsive con man (Nicolas Cage) who suddenly finds himself )Vim a heretofore unknown teen age daugp.ter (Alison Lohman), for whose sake and safety he must break out of his rigidly antiseptic habits, h is life of crime, and his lonely Si!Jli\le-guy ways. Cage skillfully an d movingly portrays the proragonisr's progress from lonely insularity to 'ca1ing, protective semi-fatherhood-all the way through the thrllling denouement ro the end, 1:

I I Perhaps the best of them all. Kevin Kline is a father who gers fired from his job, has a meltdown , and wakes up in a hospital facing terminal cancer. On hi~ release, he gathers up his angry, alienated, drug-addicted son (Hayden Christensen) from his ex-wife's Malibu mansion and practically hurls him bodily back into his life, and furthermore into work: first the work of destruction , as they tear down an eyesore of an old house on Khne's oceanfront property, then that of creation, as they construct a beautiful new structure in its place. It's an obvious, ye t piercing, metaph or for a good man's attempt to salvage what's left of his life, to repair his relationship with his child, and to put all his interactions with others around him onto a more honest, aurhenric., even loving footing. -Michael Burke What are your favorite movies about men's lives? Write us at voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org.

~CHMOOZEFE~T ~KATIN6 PARTY and other men who love men.

••••••••••••••• on Monday, March 15, b-q pm at lntenkate q1 2043 Bo~ton Rd., Wilbraham

•••••• •• •••••••• $].50 for ~kating,

dancing &~chmoozing (~kate

rental $1.75)

••••••••••••••• For ticket and event information, contact the MEN 'S RESOURCE CENTER

(413) 253-9887 x1 0 or aarnaboldi@mensresourcecenter. org

RESOURCES

Men's Resources (Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men, see page 17)

www.parents place.com/ readroom/a thomedad

The American Cancer Society

The Fathers Resource Center

www. cyf c. wnn .edu/ FathemeL

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project

The Fatherhood Project

(802) 254-4444; free, confidential HlV/AlDS. services, including suppon , prevention counseling an d vo lunteer opportunities.

wwwjatherhoodproject.org .

(413) 584-5 690 Sp ecial needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children , wi th a play th erapy roo m for wo rking wi th cliildren . Parent aid program fo r p arents exp eriencing stress.

HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 75 0-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-95 05 (days) or 58 6-6750 (evenings). Overnight sh elter for h omeless individuals. 123 Hawley St. , No rthamp ton. Doors open at 6 p .m.

Men at Work is a Maine n onpro fit providing opportunities for men 18 an d over to share their stories and learn life improvement skills. Fath erhood , relationships, health , aging, our fath ers, addictions, men to ring, and more. Trained pro fessionals facilitate. Free walk-in discussion group (Man to Man) meets in Ponland monthly, 7-9 p .m. on firs t Thursday, except july an d August. Residential programs Cl-3 days) also offered. For more information call Steve at (20 7) 865-2048 or ch eck out · www. healingmen.com. Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step gro ups thro ugh out New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and supp ort services for adoptees, ado ptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wedn esday and third Sunday of each month . Contac t: Ann Henry (41 3) 584-6 599

...J

~ L.LJ

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At Home Dad

(413) 734-6000 Prostate suppon groups, patient supp ort groups, nutritional su pplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost h ousing, and transportation .

Children's Aid and Family Service

L.LJ

www.divorcewizards.com * www. geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/1259 /link s.htm * www. menstuff org!fmmei.ndex. html (Fatherstuff) * good resource * * strongly reco mmen ded

www.slowlane.comijrc

National Fatherhood Initiative

Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts www. mensresot1rcecenter:org

The Men's Bibliography A compreh en sive . onlin e b ib li ography of writing on men, mascul inities and SeA'Ualities . www. anu.edu.at1/ -all 2465/mensbibli.o/mensbibliomenLt.html

XV Magazine Pro-feminist Men's FAO www.anu.edu.au/-a ll 2465!pffaq.html

Pro-feminist Men's Mai l list www.a nu. edu.au/-a ll2465/profem.htm1

Violence Statistics www.anu.edu.au/ - all 2465/vsta ts.html

45 Locu st Street Sp r ingfield , MA 01108 (4 13) 733-5311

Preplanning •

Burial •

Cremation

online.anu.edu.au/- all 2465/h omophobia.html

Same gender support groups are provided free of charge to anyone in the commun ity.

National Men's Resource Center www. mens tuff org

National calendar of events, direcwry of men's services an d a listing of books fo r positive ch ange in men's rol es an d relationsh ips .

The Men's Issues Page

Groups Will be held on

www.vix. co m/p ub!men/index. l1tml

Thursdays from 7-9 p.m.

100 Black Men, Inc.

April15, May 13, June 10

www.l OObm.org

Pro-feminist Men's Groups Listing www.feminist.com/pro. h. tm

Pro-feminist Mailing List

Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns

Magazines

www.fa therhoodproject. org www.dadsrights.org * * (not www.dadsrights.co m) www.Jathers.com www.Jatherhood. org www.Jathersnetwork .org www.divo rcehq .com *

FORASTIERE FUNERAL HOME

Homophobia and Masculinities Among Young Men (Lessons in becoming a straight man)

Fathers

w~w. divo rcedfath er.co m

Perhaps the term "aftercare" is new t o you . To us it is not . Because it means care that goes far beyond the ex pected . From offering support groups t o helping children cope with grief. Our tradition of caring includes the services of a Grief Specialist who fa ~ ilitates support groups for those grieving the loss of a same gender partner.

www. an t~ . edu .au/ -a ll 2 4 65/XY!xyf htm

coombs.anLt. edu .atl/ -gorl<i n/profem. html

Looking for ·a lawyer? Call yo ur state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some websites that may b e of use to you : www.acfc.org * www.Jathering.org www. dadscan.org

Aftercare.

No reg istration or long-term commitment is needed.

Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.stejonda.demon.co.Lth/achi11es/i.ssues. html

XV: men , sex politics (from Australia) coombs .antt. edu .au/ -gorhir!IXY/xy intro.h.tm

Ending Men's Violence-Real Men www.cs.uth. ed u/- ba rtley!other/ realMen.h tml

The Men's Rape Prevention Project www. mrpp. org!intm.htm l

Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.html

FORASTIERE FUNERAL HOME www.F orastier eFuneralHome. com

Wilderness Canoe Trips Men

Father & Son ior

Allagash River. Moine

Clllll

me11torin9 relationship!

Penobscot River. Maine Jullf19-26

Jul4 11-19

,THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER m"!,U~it;5;2~r-$an izatio'iJ.. .We he we a.Y'i'because h~ndreds

Experience the renewal of tjour spirit Jodlf Grose 203-778-4393 healingbear@rcn.com

www.retumtothefir路e.com

MEN & DIVORCE Six Sunday afternoons Spring 2004 S125 Men's Resource Center 238 North Pleasant Street Amherst, Mass. to reach a successful For information, conclusion in this transition. (413) 253路9887, Ext. 13, Call or write for cerikson@mensresourcecenter .org future group dates. This Men's Resource Center workshop series can help you get your bearings and lind your way through the路dlv.orce process

roup , North1unpro" iropract,ic , Greenfield on C9ugcil on Aging

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

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Nationally Certified

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible 'rees staff member at the Synthesis Center in-Amherst

256-0772

CALENDAR Please send all CALEN DA R LISTING for events from June 1 - September 1, 2004 (and beyond) to : V O I CE MALE C A LENDAR

voicemale@mensresourcecenter. org or MRC, 236 N. Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01002 Fax (413) 253-4801 Deadline for Summer Issue: MAY 14, 20 04

March 15 Wilbraham , Massachusetts

Schmoozefest Skating Party Men's Resource Center and Tapestry's Men's Health Project host a safe, social connection for gay, bisexual, and other men who love men. Cost: $7.50, plus $2.50 skate rental Location : lnterskate 91 , 2043 Boston Rd . Info: For ticket and event information, contact the Men's Resource Center, ( 413) 253-9887 x10 or aarnaboldi@mensrtsourcecenter.org

March 24 & 25 Boston , Massach usetts

Clinical Intervention with Children Affected by Domestic Viol ence Two-day seminar sponsored by the Chi ld Witness to Violence Project for social workers, mental health clinicians, school counselors, school psychologists, and marriage and family therapists, providing clinical knowledge and skills in working wid1 children who are exposed to violence. 9:30 a.rn.-4 p.m. Cost: $235 Location: Boston Medical Center, Boston , MA Info: Dr. Maxine Weinreb (617) 414-3662

Marcl1 26 Boston, Massachusetts

Advanced Clinical Training: Clinical Intervention with Children Affected by Domestic Violence One-day seminar focusing on adva nced clinical knowledge and ski lls in working wi th children who are exposed to violence and strategies for addressing di[ficult clinical dilemmas. 9 :30 a.m.-4 p.m. Cost: $125 Location: Bosmn Medical Center, Boston , MA Info: Dr. Maxine Weinreb (617) 414-3662

April 2-4 Aurora, Illinois

American Men's Studies Association 12th Annual Conference

v 0

Titled "Masculinities Through the Lens of Ethnicityand Culture, " the conference topics include men and work, th e relationship between men's studies and fem inis m, men in literature and history, straight and gay masculinities, fathers and fath ering, men's health , men and violence, men and religion, men and/ in an. post-patriarchal reconstructions of'male identities, and more. Cost: varies, $78-$2 48 Location: Aurora University, 347 S. Gladstone Ave. Info : (505) 323-2386 fo r more information or to register, or go to www.mettssL!1dies.org

April 2-4 Amherst, Ma ssachusetts

From Abortion Rights to Social Justice : Bui lding the Movement for Reproductive Freedom Weekend conference featuring an abo rtion speak out, performances, networki ng reception , an d over 25 workshops in clu d ing abort ion access, hu man righ ts, popu lation control, international women's health , you th liberation , immigration , men's roles, art and ac tivism , welfare, globaliza tion , spirituality, sex education, and caring for ourselves as . ac tivists. Handicap accessible with housing and childcare available with prior registration. Cos t : Free Location : Franklin-Patterson Hall, Hampshire College In fo : Begins at 3 p.m. on Friday, April 2, and ends at noo'h on. Sunday. For more information or to register, call (4 13) 559-54 16, email clpp@hampshire.edu, or visit "What we do" section of clpp.ha mpsh ire.edu

April 8 Northamp ton ,

Ma ssachuset t~

Fifth Annual Northwestern Children 's Advocacy Project April Kickoff Breakfast

behind the MRC banner. Loca tion: National Mall , Washington, D.C. Info : www.marchjorwomen.org. Gathering starts at lO a.m., march will begin at noon, rally will be held from 1-4 p.m. Accommodations for people wiili disabilities and me hearing impaired.

April 30- May 4 Barre, Massachusetts

A Vipassana Meditati on Retreat for Men A four-day vipassana course for .men following the usual format of sitting and walking meditation, group interviews , and evening talks about the teachings. Led by j oseph Golds tein and Phillip Moffitt, noted vipassana retreat teachers. Cost : $2 40-$300, some scholarships Locati o n : Insight Meditatio n Society Info : (978) 355-4 3 78, ims@dharma.org, www.dharma .org

May 1,, Noon - 5 p.m . Northampton , Massachusetts

23rd Annual Northampton Pride March Equal Love, Equal Rights. March pro udly at noon from Bridge Street Schoo l th rough downtown to rally site at Veteran's Field . Info: (413) 586-5602, injo@nort.hamptonpride.org.

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month Fundraiser to assist vic tims of child abuse and their fam il ies. Cost : $ 15 per person ; become a sponsor fo r $300 . Location : Clarion Hotel & Conference Center, 1 Atwood Dr. In fo: Runs from 7 :30-9 a. m . Call Priscilla at (4 13) 586-922 5 .

June 26

April 8 Greenfield, Mass achusetts

July 9-17 Allagash River, Maine

Couples Workshop: Initiation by Intimacy Workshop for couples and partners that depicts intimacy as a powerful container for growth and maturation. Led by Connie j ones Du nion and Paul Dunion , Ed.D., psychotherap ist and national works hop leader. Info : jody Grose (203) 778-4393 (evening), healingbear@rcn.com , www. retLtmtothefire.com

13th Annual Youth Conference

Men's Canoe Trip

The Community Coalition for Teens, a group dedica ted to promo tin g th e h ealth an d life options of you th in Franklin County, Mass., and the North Q uabbin area, hosts a day-long youth conference, "You th go t the power; Break down th e wa lls." Cost: $10 Location: Indoor Action Sports Info : Co ntact Rach el at (413) 774-3167 ext. 105 or rstoler@frcog.org

Join a group of men on a journey in the Maine wilderness . Info : Jody 6rose, see jun e 26 above

April 22

Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day Sponsored by the Ms. Foundation for Women , ad ults are encouraged to take th e girls an d boys in their lives to wo rk, and workplaces are encouraged to officially spo nso r th e day. Info: LeWanda Abel abell@msjounda tion.org, WWl'l.daughtersandsoi1Stowork.org, (800) 676-7780

April 25 Was hington , D.C.

March for Women 's Lives The March for Wo men's Lives addresses the assau lts on wo men's rights and lives, bo th na tionally and globally, that restrict women's access to reprocluctive h ealth services and limit women's ability to have a child or to end a pregnancy. Th e Men's Resource Center will be a cosponsor, alo ng wi th at least 570 oth er organizations nationwide. Contact the MRC at (413) 253 -988 7 if you 'd like to march

July 17-24 Penobscot River, Mai ne

Father and Son Canoe Trip Men and teenage boys can explo re natu re while deepening their sense of self. For fathers and so ns, and any man who mento rs a boy in his life. In fo : J ody Grose, see J une 26 above

SUPPORT GROUP PROGRA MS

YOUTH PROGRAMS

•

• Open Men's Group . Sundays 7- 9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office Tuesdays 6 :45- 8:45p. m . at th e Council on

• Young Men of Color LeadershiP., Project

Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent fami ly violenc e are available to speak at sc hools and human service programs.

Aging, 240 Main St., Nonh ampwn . Wednesdays 7-9 p .m. in Greenfi eld at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail Oower Main St.). A fa cilita ted drop-in group for men w talk about their lives and w s upport eac h other. • Men Who Have Expetienced Childhood Abuse

and Neglect Specifically fo r men who have experien ced an y kind of childhood abuse or neglec t. Fridays 7- 8:30 p.m. at th e MRC

• Gay, Bisexua l & Questio ning Mondays 7- 9 p.m. at th e MRC Discussion group on issues of sexual orie ntation. • GBQ Schmoozefest Events Seasonal eve ms with catered fo od, an and mus ic, opponu n1ties for im erac ting with GBQ men and othu men who love men from Springfi eld w Branleboro and beyo nd. Aplill 3,jun e 1, 3-5:30 p. m. at the Garden House, Look Park, Non hampwn, Mass .

FATHERING

PROG~AMS

• A var iety of resources are avai lab le Fathers and Family Netwo rk momh ly worksho ps, lawyer referra ls, pareming guidance, workshops , educa tional presemations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectam, se parated/d ivorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.

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Amherst

• Short Term Groups, Workshops, Presentations and Conmltations for Young Men and YouthServing Organizations

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-cenified banerer imervemion program serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violem or ve rbally/ emotionally abusive.

Fee subsidies available. • Basic Gro.ups Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and courtmandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol , Ware , Springfield, and Greenfield.

• Follow-Ltp Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue working on these issu es are available in Nonhampwn , Greenfield and Amherst.

•

WORKSHOPS .& TRAINING •

Men & Divorce This workshop series can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition. Six Sunday afternoons. At MRC, 236 Nonh Pleasant St., Amherst. For information, call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13. • Workshops available to colleges , schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response, " "Strategies and Skills fo r Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific tra.inings and consultations also available .

PUBLICATIONS

Partner Services

Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly suppon groups are available for partners of men .in the MOVE program.

•

Speakers' Burea u

Prison Groups

•

Voice Male

Published quanerly, the MRC magazine includes anicles, essays, reviews and resou rces, and services related w men and masc ulinity.

A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire Co unty Jail and House of Corrections.

• Children, Lesbians and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors

•

A 60-page man ual which answers th e questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there ."

Community Education and Training

Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

RESOURCE & REFERRAL SERVICES • Information about events , counselors , groups, local, regional and national activities, and suppon programs for men .

Men's Support Group in Keene Sunda ys 7 - 9 p.m.

Open

All

Men

43 Central Square (Life Art Cente r Bldg .) Keene, N.H . • (603) 357-5780 mmrc@salwen .net

Moila!fnoci< 'Mens

Resource Center

www.MMRC on I ine.org

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psych otherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse

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25 MAIN STREET - NORTHAMPTON, MA 0 1060

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TEL: 4 13-586-0515 • E-MAIL: CHANGINGMEN10@HOTMAIL.COM

MEN CELEBRATING INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S .DAY • AS M ·EN committed to a peaceful, egalitarian world where every woman is safe from violence in her home and from assault on the streets of her community. • AS MEN committed to a peaceful, egalitarian world where every woman's right to control her own body is a freedo m fiercely defended by all. • AS MEN committed to a peaceful, egalitarian world where every woman can realize her dreams for a career and economic independence. • AS MEN committed to a peaceful, .egalitarian w.orld where every girl can grow up to achieve

her full potential as a woman and a citizen .

The text above appeared as an ad in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, the newspaper serving the Northampton, Massachusetts area. A signature ad campaign organized by the MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER, it was paid for by and includes the names of scores of men celebrating women and their considerable accomplishments.