Voice Male Summer 2003

INSIDE: • White Men Challenging Racism • Welcoming Home the Troops • Sen. Santorum's "Family Values" • Why End[ng Violence Against Women Is Men's Work • The Fragile State of Men's Health

Hunting .for the Terrorist Within

By Rob Okun he aftermath of the Iraq war accenruated the grip old models of leadership still have on the world. From George Bush in the U.S. to KimJong Il in North Korea; from Ariel Sharon in Israel to Yasir Arafat in Palestine, men are still "leading" with behaviors based on desttuctive emotions such as ange~; feai; and hatred.

The buildup to the war had many teetering between hope and anguish. Millions on every continent had said no to killing, but we were unable to stop the assault. Where to rum for inspiration?

In an op/ed in The New !Vrk Times in April, lenzin Gyatso described how insights into curbing desttuctive emotions found in Buddhist meditation practice are beginning to be substantiated by scientific research. The emotions in question-angel; fear, and hatred-are feelings men are more than a litde familiar with.

For the last 15 years, l£nzin Gyatso-you may know him as the Dalai Lama-has beeh engaged in conversations with Western scientists on topics ranging from quanrum physics and cosmology to desttuctivt; emotions and compassion. With so many world problems arising out of anger, fear, and hatred, the Dalai Lama is working with scientists to demonstrate how states of being achieved by advanced meditation practitioners can serve as models for helping people learn to diminish desttuctive emotions. What the scientists are documenting is that meditation practice seems to make people calmei; happier, and more loving, and at the same time less prone to desttuctive emotions.

(The Dalai Lama discusses these findings in a new book, Destructive Emotions: Haw Can We Overcome Them?)

Think back to the fall and wintei; when so many were pleading the case'for skillfully waging peace over blindly waging war. Our voices fell on deaf ears in official W!shington and London (and Madrid) . There, anger and fear and hatred found fertile soil in which to breed.

But what would have happened had Bush and Blair consulted the Dalai Lama? · Is it too "soft" an idea for men to engage in contemplative practice? Are men still too wrapped up in their identities as hunters and warriors to take the time to be quiet, to be still?

(Before you answe~; recall the recent image of George Bush landing on an aircraft carrier to speak to the nation in a warrior's flight suit.)

Much emphasis is placed on what transpires in the outer world-on hunting the external enemies, the terrorists. Wouldn't we also do well to investigate such internal enemies as desttuctive emotions-our inner terrorists?

We all have desttuctive emotions. But for men, learning to diminish them is urgent. Can we find the courage to unflinchingly examine our inner lives? Can we become intimate enough with our interior world that we might begin to understand our motives and actions in the "real" world?

The image of Bush, Kim, Sharon, and Arafat sitting together in silence at a meditation retreat may elicit a rueful smile. But if they did, each

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might discover his shared humanity, and from such common ground they might choose to resolve problems quite differendy Investigating our inner world can bring great benefit to our outer lives. Imagine what could happen if men took up that task with the same determination with which we scale the highest mountaintops and plumb the depths of the ocean floor.

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Investigations into men's inner lives form an undercurrent running through this issue.

Canadian then~opist Willow Brocke suggests starting the exploration early in "Beneath the Armor: Uncovering the Secret Hearts of Boys" (page 8), a guide for anyone wishing to reach and help our boys. "White Men Challenging Racism" (page 10), excerpted from a new book of the same name by Cooper Thompson, Emmett Schaefer, and Harry Brod, takes a differem tack. offering first-person accounts of white men who made a difference confronting racism.

A book review by former Men's Resource Center (MRQ board member Shellie Taggart of Worked to the Bone by Pem Davidson Buck (page 12) explores race, gender, and class and their connection to American masculinity. In "Whx Ending Men's Violence Is Men's Work" (page ' 13), antiviolence educator Jackson Katz entreats all men to take up the snuggle to prevent violence against women, and in "Being a 'Good Guy' Isn't Enough" (page 15), former NFL football player Don McPherson suggests men get involved because it is everyone's issue. Paul Ehmann's brave Notes from Survivors column, "Memory Has No Starute of Limitations" (page 16), is an honest portrayal of living every day with the memory of childhood sexual abuse. In Fathering, my daughter's graduation from high school was the catalyst for sharing some feelings about the journey of fatherhood (page 17).

OutLines contributor Barbara Allen offers a moving counterpoint to the antigay remarks of Sen. Rick Santorum CR-Pa.) in "What Pan of 'Family' Don't You Understand?," a moving account of life in a two-mom family (page 18).

In Men &: Health, "Men's Health Diagnosis: Poor" (page 20) details the reasons men need to stan taking better care of themselves. A new occasional column, Men Overcoming Depression, is inaugurated with '1\ New Journey, a New Spirirual Home" (page 21), a personal story by MRC suppon group facilitator Bob Sternberg. Fmally, Color Lines offers a realistic view of where southern African men's consciousness about AIDS is nowadays in "Redefining Masculinity in the HN/AIDS Era" (page 23).

As always, hearing from you is what gives particular meaning to our work. Please write us.

May you find advenrure and relaxation this summer in just the right measure.

To contact Rob Okun, write him at raokun@mensresourcecenter.org

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Features Uncovering the Secret HeartS of Boys .... . . .. .. 8 'lJ' Willow Brocke White Men Challenging Racism . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 0 'lJ' Cooper Thompson, Emmett Schaefu and Hany Brod Why Ending Men's Violence Is Mrn's Work ..... 13 'lJ' jackson Katz Ending Violence Against Women: Being • ·"Good Guy" Isn't Enough .... . . .. .. .. 15 'lJ' Don McPherson

Columns & Opinion From the Ediror . . ...... . ... .. .. . ........ 2 Director's Voice ... . .... • . . • .. ... . .. . .... 3 Mail Bonding . . ... . ....••• • . . ... . . . . .. . .4 Men@ Work . . ......... . ...... . ....... .5 Book Review .... .. .... . ......... . ..... 12 Worked to the Bone ~ Pem Davidson Buck Reviewed ~ Shdlie Taggart Notes from Survivors .......... . . . .. ... .. 16 Memory Has No Statute of limitations 'lJ' Paul Ehmann Fathering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .' . . .17 Roo[S and Wings 'lJ' Rob Okun OutLines ........... .. .. . . . . . ..... . ... 18 Memo to Senator Sanrorum: What Pan of "Family" Don't You Understand?

GBQ Resources ...... .. . . .............. 19 Men Ill Health . ........ . ......•• •. . . . .. 20 Men's Health Diagnosis: Poor Men Overcoming Depression . ... ...........21 A New journey, a New Spiritual Home 'lJ' Bob Sternbax Color Unes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Southern Africa: Redefining Masculinity in the HIV/AlDS Era Resources . ...... ... . ...... . .. .. . .. . . .. 24 Thank You ... . .......... ... .. ... . . ..... 25 Calendar ....... . . .. .. . ... . .. . ... .. ...26 MRC Programs Ill Services .. . . ...... •.. . ... 27 On the Covu: Lamont Allen (left) and David Moran

(right), both of Amherst, Mass.

Photo~ Jonah

Okun

Welcome Them Home

By Steven Botkin

Administrative Staff

Executive Director ,... Steven Botkin Associate Director- Rob Okun Director of Operations - Carl Erikson Development Coordinator- Spirit Joseph Men Overcoming Violence

Director - Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supervisor- Sara Elinoff Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel Partner Services Coordinator- Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator- Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator- Scali Girard North Quabbln Community Educator- Tom Sullivan Administrative Coordinator- Edgar Cancel Group Leaders -James Arana, Eve Bogdanove, Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Karen Foglialli. Scott Girard. Steve Jefferson. Joy Kaubin. Dot LaFratta. Gary Newcomb, Susan Omilian, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Immigrant and Refugee Program

Director - Juan Carlos Arean Youth Programs

Coordinator - Jeff Harris Group Leaders -James Arana, Edgar Cancel.

Julius Ford. Jell Harris Voice Male Magazine

Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor- Michael Burke Senior Editor- Steven Botkin Designer - Chandler & Co. Copy Editor- Michael Dover Support Programs

Director - Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators - Allan Arnaboldi, Michael Burke. Andy Dennison. Jim Devlin, Michael Dover. Carl Erikson, Jerry Garofalo,Tim Gordon. Ken Howard. Rick Kapler. Gabor Lukacs. Rick Martin, Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan. Rob Parle!, Nelson Pinette, Roger Stawasz. Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan, Sheldon Snodgrass. Bob Sternberg, Patrick Tangredi, John H. Thompson, Les Wright Board of Directors

Chair - Peter Jessop VIce Chair - Thorn Herman Clerk - Michael Dover Treasurer - Sudhakar Vamathevan Members -Charles Bodh( Jenny Daniell.

Lisa Freitag-Keshet, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardner.

Jack Hornor. Yoko Kala, Brenda L6pez. Mathew Due/let Advisory Board

Michael Bardsley, Larry Beane, Dean Cycon, Bailey Jackson, Luis Melendez, Matthew Morse. Cheryl Rivera.

Elizabeth Scheibel. Felice Yeske/ Editor's Note

Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters. articles. news items, article ideas, and events of interest. We encourage unsoliciteif manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss. Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Male, 236 No. Pleasant St..

Amherst. MA 01002; voicemate@mensresourcecentewrg.

Advertising

For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising at 413-253-9887. Ext. 20.

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he soldiers are returning.

Who will welcome them home?

While people who agreed with the U .5. war in Iraq called upon us to "support our troops," those of us against the war said, "We also support our troops, " and "Bring them home." Now that they are coming home, how will we support them?

For they are not simply "the troops."

They are people whose lives have been directly impacted by the violence of war. They are men and women from our community--our ' colleagues and neighbors, ours sons and our daughters. And who welcomes them home makes a profound difference.

Will those of us who protested against the war and marched for peace now look the other way as these veterans return to our communities? Will we leave the responsibility of welcoming them home to those who supported the war? In our fear and anger will we stereotype them , judge them, or shun them7 Will we ignore them as painful reminders of how we were not able to prevent our government from imposing its will on the world using violence? Will we treat them as symbols for our political agendas?

It is time for those of us who stand for peace to make good on our words and support these veterans of war as they return to our communities. Can we see how welcoming them home is one essential next step in our . movement for peace?

As soon as we affirm our connection to thes'e members of our own community, as uncomfortable as that may be, we leave behind "Us versus Them" thinking and begin to build bridges of peace within the community. We open ourselves to listen and to learn more about the profound impact of war. We make ourselves available to help in the recovery and healing of people in our community who have been traumatized by violence. We support them in taking off the armor they have had to wear in order to survive a war. And we create opportunities for finding new allies in our search for peace, sometimes showing up in unexpected places .

This is what we have been doing for the past 20 years at the Men's Resource Center: reaching out to people who are systematically expected to use domination and violence. We are welcoming home men and boys who have resisted these expectations. We are also welcoming home boys and men who have enacted the dominating and violent forms of

masculinity. To both we say: "You are not alone. We care about you. Here is a community that will support you in recovering from the trauma of these expectations and your experiences with violence. We will support you in being true to yourself. Welcome home."

Just as the Men's Resource Center has committed itself to reaching our to boys and men, we must now welcome home these veterans. We must let them know we will not abandon them as they return from the traumas of war. We also recognize that many women served in the armed forces overseas, and to them we also say: Welcome home.

And if we truly are to stand for peace we might even find a way to join together with others in our community who have different opinions about the war so that together we could welcome them home. So that they might see a diverse community where differences do nor mean disrespect; a community that values itself and its members enough to join together to provide comfort and caring for those who have been taken from us and sent into war. In this way we might practice peacemaking as a community, saying to these returning veterans of war: "Your community welcomes you back from war. Although we speak with many voices, you are part of us and we are glad you are home.

We welcome you back to a community committed to peace. We know you have had to put on armor to be at war. We know the experience of war can be traumatic. We want to help you recover from .these experiences. We want you to know that you are safely back in your community, so you can now take off the armor. Please help us create our community of peace. Welcome home."

I am grateful to Gordon Retcher-Howell, a Vietnam veteran, and an outspoken opponent of the invasion of Iraq, for offering me this vision of a diverse community taking responsibility for welcoming home its veterans.

To contact Steven Botkin, write him at sdbothin@mensresourcecenter.org.

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To the Mountaintop For those who may have missed it, I just want to let everyone know that MRC executive director Steven Botkin's address at the Martin Luther Kingjr. breakfast in Amherst was truly an amazing, fabulous talk. It embodied everything that makes me proud to be associated with MRC and everything that today's world and our community need to be reminded of in the King legacy. It was artfully crafted, passionately and honestly delivered, smartly interactive, and profoundly revolutionary in the deepest, communitarian, spiritual sense of that word.

I worked with Dr. King in a few campaigns (fortunately never had to follow him on the speaker's platform-though I did with Ralph Abernathy and Hosea Williams) . I sat about 10 feet below the podium at Jim Lawson's church in Memphis when King gave his "''ve been to the mountaintop" speech just before he was killed. I have no doubt that he would have been proud in the extreme to hear the manner in which his legacy was invoked by Steven. It was a sermon that dug deep under the soul and stirred all of those present to a renewed sense of the challenges and the hopes before us in today's world, including today's Amherst.

You've got the gift, Steven, and I am thankful for how you use it and that I can be associated with you and all of the MRC-Voice Male included-in this ongoing struggle for "truth, justice, and peace" (the event's theme) .

We Shall Overcome.

Tom Gardner Amherst, Mass.

Days of Silence, Days of Hope

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I found out about Voice Male from the Media Education Foundation website (www.mediaed.org) on alternative views about the September 11th attacks (see also "Gender, Violence and September 11th," Voice Male, Winter 2002). I was intrigued by the comments made about masculinity and the impulse for "revenge" caused by the attacks, and decided to look into the magazine.

One of the main reasons why I decided to subscribe is that it would provide me with some ideas to help make some changes in the school that I attend. I am vice president of a gay-straight alliance group at Wilton High School in a highly conservative community.

While I am not gay myself, I think it is ludicrous for anyone to think that gay and lesbi'an people do not have an equal place in society.

It is a difficult task to convince many of my fellow students of this, however. Even after over

two years of existence, our group still runs into trouble when organizing events. Most of the signs that the group puts up get tom down, and we made an agreement today that we would all carry around replacement signs from class to class because of this. We have even resorted to covering the posters with as much tape as possible, which only seems to slow people down. We must have already gone through 50 signs for the "Day of Silence" on April9.

There is hope, however. Last year's day of silence included over 100 people. We made t-shirts for the event, and seeing multitudes of people wearing them around school was comforting. While the school administration did not allow us to recommend to the student body to remain silent during class last year, through a presentation to the teachers, we were able to do so for this year's event. Also, the administra~on has this year included the Gay Straight Alliance as an official club with a budget, and one of the group's members is the administrator for the school website, which allows us to more easily get our message across.

If you have any issues or strategies that might be helpful to educate a conservative student body about gay issues, I'd love to hear about them.

Brian Schoonmaker Wilton, Conn.

Blessings Given and Received Thank yo1:1 to Voice Male and the MRC for: the full-page ads you publish; Rob Okun's moving words on public radio; your commitment to changing the old male power models; Scott and Nancy Girard's participation on Oprah; and everything you do! Your work is a blessing to the world.

Marilyn Marks Haydenville, Mass.

when I was visiting the MRC of Northern New Mexico for a iraining and dialogue. His advice and story were invaluable. Paz y muchas gracias.

Emiliano Diaz de Leon Fami!Y Crisis Center Harlingen, Tex.

Carolina Shout I have been doing a little work with The Raleigh (N .C.) Men's Center. I was doing some research on other men~s centers to prepare for a meeting and was very impressed by what I learned about the Men's Resource Center and Voice Male. I did a lot of gender, feminist and men's studies work when I was in school and think receiving your literature provides some interesting "food for thought. " Thanks for your work.

Terri Allred, Executive Director The Women's Center, Chapel HiU, N.C. Web: http://www.womenspace.org Email: director@womenspace.org

Surfing Our Turf I became acquainted with your website and magazine through a search I did on the Web of "men's movement." I'm doing research for an upcoming seminar for women entitled "PowerUp," and I wanted to get information and another "voice" concerning men's issues that are complement;ary in focus to women's issues.

Thanks again, and I will refer others to your website. Peace.

Rev Kimber!Y]. Chandler Taylor, Mich.

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ANew Paradigm Having worked with families where male violence against women and children occurred for several years, I was moved to hear of the programs at the Men's Resource Center and your publication, Voice Male. Thank you for picking up this piece of a complex puzzle.

I am currently involved in a training program at the Family lnstitute of Cambridge (Mass.).

Recently, we spent several hours examining beliefs that "restrain men" from "taking responsibility." The source for this discussiol\ was the book Invitations to Responsibility: The Therapeutic Engagement of Men Who Are Abusive by Allan Jenkins (Adelaide, Australia: Dulwich Centre Publications, 1990). This text can be viewed at dulwichcentre.com.au. This is home base for the Narrative Therapy community. I found Jenkins's paradigm/process hopeful and productive and I wondered if your readers might, too.

Name withheld ey request Amherst, Mass.

Good Men in Lone Star State Thank you for all the support and for the copies of Voice Male. I have distributed them to numerous colleagues around the state of lexas.

I believe they have also benefited the men I've encountered through the work that I do.

I spoke on the phone with Steven Botkin

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Gays in Baseball: If You Write About Them, Will They Come Out? As one sponswriter said recently, it's hard to believe that in 2003, 56 years after Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier, we're even having this conversation.

The "conversation" is about gays in baseball, and it's been fueled by the homophobic comments of a majorleague player, a popular Broadway play, and the justreleased autobiography of a former player who 1:\as come out of the closet.

ToddJones, a veteran relief pitcher for the Colorado Rockies, told the Denver Post this spring, "I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me ... All these people say he's got all these rights. Yeah, he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn't walk around proud. It's like he's rubbing it in our face." The comments provoked a variety of reactions, from a public apology by Jones's team for his "unfonunate remarks " to criticisms of) ones by popular player Mark Grace, spons talk show host Jim Rome, and espn.cm;n columnist and baseball writer Rob Neyer, to the response of Minnesota Twins outfielder Torii Hunter, who told the St. Paul Pioneer Press that "a man's supposed to be a man, and a woman's supposed to be a woman." Whatever that means.

The Jones furor may have been a case of life imitating an imitating life, as a play that recently moved to Broadway depicts a similar controversy surrounding a gay ballplayer. The. play, Take Me Out, by Richard Greenberg and starring Daniel Sunjata, may itself have been

inspired by the homophobic and racist comments made in Sports Illustrated in 1999 by then Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker.

Meanwhil~, a former pro ballplayer has just published his autobiography, in which he talks about his years on the field, in the locker room-and in the closet. Going the Other Way: Lessons from a Ufe In and Out of Major-League Baseball, is the story of Billy Bean, who played for De1;t0it, Los Angeles, and San Diego in the major leagues, as well as in the minors and in Japan and Central America.

Bean worked hard and tried to live the baseball life, even to the point of getting married and ignoring the antigay locker-room talk around him. He 路 kept the secret of his sexual identity from his teammates and family, but his male lover, Sam Madani, moved in with him when Bean was called up to the San Diego Padres. Madani died of AIDS in 1995, Bean's last year in the majors, and Bean had no one to whom he could confide his loss. He began to accept his gay identity, and came out to his family shonly thereafter. He carne out publicly in 1999-apparently the only living former major leaguer to acknowledge his homosexuality (former Dodgers outftelder Glenn Burke came out in 1994,just before he died of AIDS).

Bean, who is on tour around the country promoting Going the Other Way , says Todd Jones's comments were egregious but typical of ballplayers' attitudes toward gays. "The things jones was talking about, like a guy strutting around the locker room, (are) just idiotic," Bean says. "The idea that a gay man or a lesbian is going to disgrace themselves or their career is ludicrous. You work your whole life to get to the majors, and when I was in the clubhouse, all I thought about was working hard, winning games, getting some hits and trying to keep my career alive. That's what most guys have to do every day." . ' ''Anyone who says the kind of ignorant (stufO like Jones has problems," Bean continues. "It just shows baseball needs diversity and awareness training, and that goes for race,

creed, color, religion, sexual orientation and everything. I just want a few minutes with (baseball commissioner) Bud Selig, but so far nothing. We've made so much progress in so many ways. Major league spons (and) the male spons environment may be the last frontier."

Will a currently active player come out as gay? Bean thinks that day could still be some ways off. "It would have to be a superstar near the end of his career with a long-term contract and security and millions in the bank," he says. "From that point forward, with the media and the way the landscape is, he would never again get to talk about baseball, and his life would be turned upside down."

Sources for this story included The Oregonian (Portland), The Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, lll.), the Denver Post, and usatoday.com.

Coaching Boys to Become (Nonviolent) Men How do you stop a 30-year-old man from beating his wife? Talk to him when he's a 12year-old b~.

That's the message on a banner currently draped across the San Francisco Giants' ballpark, Pacific Bell Stadium. In a story in the online publication Women 's Enews (womensenews.org) , it was reponed that the banner is pan of a new domestic violence prevention campaign called "Coaching Boys into Men, " sponsored by the Family Violence ]:>revention Fund to give men the tools to teach boys that violence against women and girls is wrong.

Since 1994, the Family Violence Prevention Fund, in pannership with the Advenising Council, has sponsored public education campaigns to raise awareness of domestic violence. The coaching campaign is one of an increasing number of programs aimed at middle and high school boys in many states (including Massachusetts, Michigan, Texas, and California) in the hopes of stopping domestic violence before it stans.

(A Family Violence Prevention Fund PSA airing locally directs people to the Men's Resource Center's Men Overcoming Violence program.) (continued on next page)

Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy "Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie" and Thorn Herman is a certified "Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process that fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts.

Thorn can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in a workshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation. He also works with clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfield, MA.

For more infonnation check out Thorn's web site at:

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(con tinued from previous page) "In high school, boys don't often talk to their parents," said Lynne Lee, director of public education for the Family Violence Prevention Fund. "We want coaches to use their role model positions to send a positive message Experts wony that possessive dating behavior is affecting younger age groups, and research has found that many teens believe some dating violence is acceptable. U.S. Department of]ustice statistics indicate that women ages 16 to 24 are nearly three times more vulnerable to intimate partner violence (excluding intimate partner homicide) than women in other age groups. And nearly one in five female high school students report being physically or sexually abused by a dating panner, according to the American Medical Association .

The slogan of the "Coaching Boys into Men" campaign is ""leach Early. Teach Often."

Organizers want to dispel media messages that teach boys that being a man means being "tough" and "in control." Coaches can use their authori ty to talk about when aggressive behavior is appropriate and when it's not.

The campaign also involves posters, Tshirts , and traii:Jing materials. One of the most popular posters features a growth chart of boys from ages six to 18. These images are juxtaposed with messages boys receive: "make the decisions," "take charge," and "win at all costs:" At the foot of the poster is the message: "Men's viol ence against women is learned.

It can be unlearned."

For more information, contact the Family Violence Prevention Fund, http://endabuse. org/; or the Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse,' http://www:mincava.umn.edu/.

365 Days of Peace

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A new peace calendar to benefit the Men's Resource Center and the Western Massachusetts office of the American Friends Service Committee is being produced later this year by Northampton, Mass., abstract nature photographer and Voice Male contributor Charlie Henan.

The 2004 Peace Calendar Project will feature stunning photographs taken primarily around Western Massachusetts and will include a few views taken on Monhegan Island in Maine. "The photographs illuminate the incredible natural beauty of our region," Henan said, "and demonsrrate through narure's beauty aspects of the essence of peace." All profits from sales of the Peace Calendar will be donated to the MRC and Western Mass. AFSC.

IS T HIS YOU?. •

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OR IS THIS SOMEONE YOU KNOW?

lf you or someone you know can answer "Yes" to any of these questions you or they may h ave a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence , men can learn to change . Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with o ne of ou r trained s taff. W e can help ... before it's too htte.

MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

"Both the Men's Resource Center and Western Mass. AFSC do stellar work on behalf of peace, justice, community building, and positive social change both locally and beyond ," said Henan in explaining his choice of beneficiaries.

To raise funds to produce the initial1 ,500 high quality color printed calendars, Henan is sponsoring a monthly poetry reading, "Poetry for Peace" in Northampton, on the second Thursday of each month . .

To receive a peace calendar order form , view Charlie Henan's photography portfolio, see links an d descriptions of the recipient organizations, or for more information about "Poetry for Peace," see www.flamingsphere. corn/peacecalendar or call Henan at • (413) 586-6824.

An MRC Grows in Worcester A new men 's organization, the Men's Resource Center of Central Massachusetts, was launched in the wake of a blizzard this past winter with a presen tation by the (Western Mass.) MRC's Steven Botkin to about 40 men and women, including counselors, clergy, businesspeople, and educators.

The new group has since formed a steering committee and formulated a mission statement: "To enhance, enrich and support the lives of men in their relations to themselves, with one another, and with women and children in their families and communities." Like

other MRCs (such as the MRC of Northern New Mexico and the Monadnock Men's Resource Center in Keene, N .H.), the new group is not formally affiliated with the 20year-old MRC of Western Massachusetts but has ties to it. All of the newer groups have done trainings or consultations with the Men's Resource Center of Western Mass. The Worcester group 's coordinator is newspaper editor and minister Bill Patten; also involved is Donald Unger, who has written frequently for

Voice Male.

The group's premiere event was a public showing of the documentary Tough Guise about the American mythology of masculinity.

The MRCCM also cosponsored a workshop in May on fathering with the Fathers and Family Network of Central Massachusetts, and held a booth at the Worcester Father's Day Father's Fest on june 14.

Starting next fall, the group intends to collect the data to organize and publish a guidebook of the full range of various services currently being offered for men and boys by all the organizations-schools, churches, hospitals, and priVate and public social agencies-in Central Massachusetts. The intent is to reduce · duplication and increase the knowledge and availability of such services. The .group also hopes to have some direct service programs, such as support for men around divorce, now in the planning stage.

The Cenual Mass. MRC's address is 72 Pleasant Street, Worcester, MA 01609; phone (508) 753-01:~08 .

Men Walking Against Violence October is Domestic Violence Awareness Montl), and this year the Men's Resource Center is planning to do a walk through Hampden, Hampshire, and Franklin Counties to suppon its Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) barterer-intervention program. Still in the early planning stages, the walk is expected to take place in early October over about five days and will cover about 75 miles.

Participants will be stopping in communic ties along the way to hold vigils and attend community awareness events. The primary purpose of the walk is to raise public awareness of MOVE as a men's response to domestic violence. To raise funds for MOVE, the MRC is inviting businesses to be sponsors of the walk and encouraging (but not requiring) walkers to solicit sponsors for their own panicipation. If you're interested in learning more about the walk, contact Michael Dover at the MRC, (413) 253-9887, ext. 16, or watch the MRC website, www.mensresourcecenter.org, for more details later in the summer.

Condemning Misogynist Video Games The executive directors of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts (MRC) and the Everywoman's Center at the University of Massachusetts (EWC) have joined together to draw attention to a misogynistic new video game.

Several years after the National Institute on Media and the Family alened parents about Duke Nukem, a video game in which the player enters a room where naked women are tied to posts pleading with the gamer, "Kill me. Kill me," along comes Grand Theft Auto 3. ln this top selling game of the past yea~; players are rewarded if they murder a prostitute after having sex with her. Grand Theft Auto: Vice Oty picks up where GTA 3 left off with its violence toward women, according to the MRC's Steven Botkin and EWC's Carol 'Mlllace.

The game was released late last October and sold more than 1.4 million <;opies in two days. making it the fastest sales stan for a video game in the 30-year history of the industry. Experts predict it will eventually sell10 million copies, grossing almost a half billion dollars. By comparison, Pokemon, a phenomenon in its own rtght, only sold 5.1 million copies.

According to Botkin and 'Mlllace, "The manufacturer, Rockstar Games, is making enormous profits from a video game that promotes a culture of disrespect and violence toward women. This is insulting and harmful to girls and women and boys and men everywhere. Rewarding players for killing women in a sexualized context should never be a source of entertainment. ''As organizations committed to challenging rtgid gender stereotypes, ending all forms of violence and abuse and promoting healthy relationships between women and men, the Everywoman's Center and the Men's Resource Center are calling on Rockstar Games and other video game producers to stop using sexualized violence in their games. We are asking the video game rating board to include a 'sexualized violence' tag to their rating options. And

we are calling on parents and young people to demand and buy games that do not use sexualized violence as entertainment."

Readers interested in contacting Rockstar Games to register opinions about their products can go to wwwrockstargames.com.

Execs and Pols See Domestic Violence Costs on the Job Nine in 10 senior executives from Fortune 1,000 companies believe that domestic violence affects both the private lives and working lives of employees, but only 12 percent of them are willing to do anything about it, according to a recent study supported by Uz Claiborne, Inc. Although companies nationwide are losing an estimated $3 billion to $5 billion a year from decreased productivity and employee absenteeism as a result of domestic violence, employers are still reluctant to take action against what has traditionally been regarded as a social problem, according to a repon about the study published in Women's Enews (wwwwomensenews.org) "America's corporate leaders understand the prevalence of domestic violence," says Paul R. Charron, chairman and chief executive officer of Uz Claiborne, Inc. "They understand the bottom-line impact of domestic violence.

In fact, more than half personally know people in their companies who have been affected by domestic violence. And yet they still think it is someone else's responsibility to deal with it. " Two-thirds of surveyed executives put domestic violence on a par with terrorism as an important social issue, but they believe that the family should be the main institution

responsible for addressing it since most of the violence occurs in the home. An AFL-CIO study, however, found that barterers commit 13,000 violent acts against their partners in the workplace each year, posing serious threats to the safety of coworkers in the workplace environment.

One organization that is trying to address the problem is the Corporate Alliance to End Parmer Violence. The alliance brings together dozens of progressive companies across the United States to exchange information, collaborate on projects, and use their collective influence to instigate change. Members such as Uz Claiborne, Inc., and Altrta Group, Inc., formerly known as Philip Morris Companies lnc. , have instituted programs to increase awareness about domestic violence within their own ranks as well as suppon nationwide initiatives in communities where they have a strong business presence. The Uz Claiborne study marks the latest development in the company's 11year domestic violence awareness campaign.

The company's Women Work program. begun in October 1991, includes public service announcements, T-shirts, free posters, brochures and handbooks, fund-raising and the forging of parmerships with local retailers and community groups to increase awareness about domestic violence in the workplace.

Altria's Campaign Against Domestic Violence hopes to reach some 57,000 employees, and its Doors of Hope program has given more than $6 million to local shelters and domestic violence programs in communities across the country since 1998.

While these companies are trying to change things at a corporate level, politicians are addressing work-related issues connected to domestic violence on the political stage.

(Continued on page 22)

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Beneath the Armor

Uncovering the Secret Hearts of Boys ByWillowBrocke

would never have discovered it if I hadn't been so desperate for a job. It was 1998 and I had just graduated with my undergraduate degree in Social Work.

Through a string of events, I found myself in a new community, with no contacts and a burning need to save the world while continuing to make my car payments. First thing Monday morning, I did what all good, unemployed folks do: I went to the local cafe, ordered a regular coffee and waited for the latte-drinking guy beside me to leave the morning paper on the chair. Then I moved in. It only took a few classified moments before I saw it: a local nonprofit was looking for a "youth and family worker" to work with "behavior-disordered boys and their families. " "Eureka! " I thought to myself, ''Latte here I come." Then I read it again. The words "behavior-disordered boys" began to flash in red on the second reading. The call anger as synonymous with the experience closest I had come to dealing with "behaviorof hell. Being with troubled young men on a disordered boys" was one unfortunate date in daily basis, listening to their shrug-punctuated high school-a date stories and watching that included a pickup them scowlingly strugtruck, an illegal subgle to free themselves stance, a thunderof destructive behavBoys have storm, a huge angry ior.s, I saw fir.sthand steer and eventually, a that anger is the only been shamed emotion we do not dripping-wet call for help from some shame out of boys into wearing armor farmer's kitchen. It from the earliest age. wasn't an experience I discovered that Raben that serves as an wanted to repeat. In Bly was right-the fact, the memory of boys I worked with emotional burqathis, mixed with thouhad "pins in the neck" sands of news items I (from Bly's book The leaving only a had seen linking young Maiden King) that men and violence, small opening for acted as dams to the made me wonder if narural streams of socially acceptable "behavior-disordered emotion from their boys" weren't the reaheans. It was as if all levels of the one son the world needed emotional tributaries saving in the first had been redirected emotion still place. Weren't these into one "mega-river" the "scary guys" I'd of pqwerful anger. And allowed to thembeen trying to avoid all now, as a counselor, I my life? Clearly, it was was being asked to anger. going to be a big job if teach boys how to I could land it; happily plug the leaks of darns I ultimately did. Then I that were cracking began to discover there under the strain by is more to "behavior-disordered boys" than teaching them "anger management" skills. meets the headlines.

It was as if the boys I worked with had Boys, it seems, are going through hell. At been shamed into wearing armor that served least that's how the Dalai Lama might define as an emotional burqa-leaving only a small it, since Buddhists see the state of mind we opening for socially acceptable levels of the

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one emotion still allowed to them. It wasn't long before I saw that "anger management" might be an excellent skill-set for temporarily avoiding the principal's office or the police station-but it was hardly a long-term solution. The "per.sonal is political" feminist in me starred to hear sirens going off-and they weren't coming after the boys for once, they were a wake-up call for me.

I starred studying everything I could find about the plight of troubled boys-especially those writer.s and teacher.s insightful enough to provide some gender analysis in their research. Particularly valuable was the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a developmental psychologist practicing in Vancouver, British Columbia, whose workshop "Getting Kids Unsruck" validated my observations and gave me the courage I needed to experiment with new approaches. These approaches proved to be powerful and eventually formed the basis of a program I later developed for a local high school that produced an astounding 75 percent increase in attendance and an equal increase in academic success for so-called "behavior-disordered" boys. Although too lengthy to describe fully in the space of this article, the approach is simple and can be used by parents, teacher.s, counselor.s, or anyone who works or lives with troubled boys.

For now, here are aJew ideas you may find useful when trying to connect with the "behaviordisordered boys" in your world.

â&#x20AC;˘ Sit Beside Troubled BoysNot Across from Them. You know those signs at the zoo that ask you not to stare directly at the male gorilla? Well, boys are not

gorillas, but face-to-face dialogue is too direct for anyone who is working incredibly hard to hide his feelings. It will only force him to put up more emotional armor. Sit in a separate chair on the same side of the room, your seat turned only slightly toward him.

• Let There Be Toys. The low table in front of the comfy chairs in my office holds a selection of sophisticated wooden puzzles, spinning tops, and a set of small plain-wood building blocks . These work in two ways .

They "keep it casual" and they direct the flow of energy away from the heart toward the hands, where it is "grounded" in the activity and therefore less threatening to a boy's defenses. I also keep a few crackers, candies, or grapes on the table for this purpose. (Note: handheld video games are not effective in this regard as they require too much attention and are not "grounding" to the body.)

• Make Friends with He-Man. Macho action-figures provide an excellent illustration of the gender stereotyping he is coping with every day. They can be left casually on the table and used as linking tools in key moments of the conversation. For example: "Seems like the world is telling you that you'd better be like X Man here and keep your · guard up."

• Tell the Truth. Gender stereotyping sucks; it is making young men miserable and it plays a huge role in male "behavior problems." Name this out loud whenever appropriate.

• Tell the Other Tru~h. Boys do need to open the dams that keep them cut off from their hearts-but the truth remains that if they do it in the schoolyard they're going to be ostracized or even get the crap beat out of them. Make sure he knows you understand this. Tell him that if he ever needs a place to let down his guard, you'll not only listen confidentially, but also help him put his armor back on before he leaves .

• Work One to One. The only people more effective than adults at shaming boys for expressing feelings are other boys. Do notI repeat--do not attempt to name or expose a troubled boy's vulnerable feelings within earshot of his peers. Group settings are fine for general discussion, but asking troubled boys to share feelings with other boys whose emotional dams are just as problematic will only result in an immediate frenzy of dam reinforcement. If you haven't learned to swim, you'll do anything to avoid a flood.

• Make It Quick. When emotions do surface in conversations with him, think of the times you've put antiseptic on a small child's skinned knee. Get in there as soon as possible without alarming him, use a voice tone that comforts, touch it quickly and gently with first aid, then get the heck out of the general vicinity of the wound. Once, when a boy spoke to me in a matter-of-fact voice, shrugging about his father leaving, I noticed that his shoulders were high and tight and·

that he was rapidly spinning the red top on the table over and over again.

"Oh wow, that really sucks," I said genuinely. "When my dad left I felt like my gu ts were being ripped out for a while. It was weird. Pass those jujubes over here, will ya?"

He passed the candies, took one for himself, sat back in his chair with visible relief and said, "Yeah, I kinda : : i " know what you mean."

Then I asked if he wanted to play cards.

We talked intermittent-

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ing to get wet too. Give him the skills and modeling he needs to regularly throw a lifeline of awareness from his head to his heart, and he will become buoyant.

• Be Patient. Recognize that helping armor-bound, troubled boys to name and express feelings is about as popular an idea in Western culture as teaching citizens of the Third World how to

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played. Each time I saw his agitation rise I put the attention back onto the card game and his shoulders dropped.

He came back to talk to me several times a week over the months : _! that followed-each time risking more of his feelings and leaving with "less pressure in the system. " Despite his teacher's predictions, this boy's "behavior problems" did not increase during the months following his father's departure.

• Don't Try to Make Progress in a Crisis.

Treat behavior incidents as accidents or "dam leaks." Use the quiet times to facilitate new understanding.

• Teach Him to Swim. Thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and behaviors are connected in predictable patterns in each of us.

Start the swim lessons by helping him see that he can get a little wet (experience emotions briefly) without drowning. Teach him about this. Be your own enlightened witness to the courage it takes to really "feel" anything.

Frame it as courage.

• Respect His Sensitivity. A troubled boy is a sensitive boy who has been shamed out of experiencing or expressing feelings. As a result he has lost touch with an important inner compass that's meant to guide his choices.

Instead of becoming a master of his own destiny, he becomes a slave to internal processes no one has helped him understand . Help him to "get free" by knowing himself.

• Don 't Blame. He is not "making poor choices about his behavior"-in fact, he is not "choosing" at all. He will be able to make choices when he is able to allow the consequences of his actions to sink in. You'll know this is happening when you see a "softening" or a tear or even a sigh of resignation. He's opening a valve and letting some pressure out of the system . Now he'll be able to think a little more clearly.

• Get Wet. If you feel a tear of your own from time to time, that's even better. You can't be a good swim instructor unless you're will-

Since implementing these and other techniques and perspectives in my work with boys, I have had excellent feedback from those around the boys as well as the boys themselvesespecially those boys who have not had much success with less gender-sensitive or "too direct" approaches. And the gift in working with "behavior-disordered boys" has definitely been for me. Angry young men are not the violent headlines we have allowed them to become. They are flesh-and-blood children who have been taught to fear the flow of their own life energy. Strengthening emotional dams with anger management may be a useful skill in the short term. But if we really want to see some lasting behavior change, we'd better add a few emotional swim lessonsand maybe even a surfboard to help them do what the Dalai Lama might call "riding the waves of an open heart."

Willow Brocl"le, BSW, M.Ed., RCC, is a registered private therapist in Summerland, British Columbia. She lives with an amazing husband, two great kids, and a border collie named Tulku.

She really hopes the guy from the "wifortunate date in high school" is reading this. Contact her at wbrocke@shaw.ca.

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White Men Challeng_ ing Racism: A New Book Tells Their Stories _

By Cooper Thompson, Emmett Schaefer, and Harry Brad brand-new book, White Me~ Challenging Racism: 35 Personal Stones, by Cooper Thompson, Emmett Schaqer, and Harry Brad (Duke University Press, 2003), is a collection of 35 first-person narratives based on interviews with white men in the United States who have made substantial commitments to challenging racism. The narratives describe what these white men do, why they made this commitment, their nifl.ections about being white and male, their accomplishments and shortcomings, and how their work affects their own and others' lives.

The book is a collection of profiles of a very diverse group of white men-gay and straight, working class to upper middle class, from all regions of the United States, ranging in age from 26 to 86. They work m a wide range of venues, and work with, and on behalf of, people of many different ethnicities.

Many ground their anti-racist action in their spiritual identity and commitment. Few are well known outside their communities and particular fields of work. They are ordinary white men doing extraordinary things.

What follows are excerpts from their stories.

Movement Elders Herbert Aptheker, 86, radical historian, San jose, CA You have to inform yourself of the realities of history, of what slavery was, of what Black people, especially Black women, went . through. And you have to learn about the post-slavery, so-called freedom .. .. And knowing that we white people are responsible for the horror-if we have some conscience, we should be very important in eliminating the horror. That's my life .

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Stetson Kennedy, 85,joumalist and Ku Klux Klan irifiltrator, jacksonville, FL In the 1940s ... I was infiltrating the Klan and feeding the minutes to both Drew Pearson and the producers of the radio show Superman , who were doing a series, "Superman versus the Grand Dragon." As fast as the Klan would change its passwords for entrance to its meetings, I'd send 'em on up to the radio producers, and kids all over the country would all have them the following week. In the minutes of the meetings I included the names of the businessmen and the politicians and judges

and lawmen who were in attendance. After their names were broadcast, they never showed up again.

Horace Seldon, 77, coalition builder, Boston, MA The Sunday after Dr. King's assassination in 1968, (I realized) "I know what I must do with my life. I must work on the white prolr lem." ... (But) you don't rush in, eager to help-that wanting to rush in with the answer is son of built into the psyche of a lot of us white men. You have to just let the relationship develop, you listen, and there comes a chance to say, "I can do that task. " And you do it well, and eventually they'll begin to ask and trust you.

Pat Cusick, 70, community organizer, Boston, MA The other two kids picked up rocks, threw them at the kid on the bicycle, and called him "nigger. ". . . But the kid on the bike, who was smaller than us, he had guts. He stopped, got off his bike, and gave us a tongue lashing . . . .The actions of that Black kid certainly affected my life, piercing through my white privilege and the whole historical consciousness of growing up white in Alabama . ...When I was sent to the chain gang in prison-:.:1 told the captain, using my best unive;-;i! ~a.nner, . .

"Segregation is evil and I can t pan1c1pate m lt.

You have a segregated camp. I just want to inform you of this. I'm not going to work and I'm not going to eat while I'm ?ere." v

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Art and Politics David Attyah, 34, graphic artist and founder of THINK AGAIN, San Francisco, CA Being a queer man has really helped me understand the "near to our bodies" effects of oppression and to imagine how people of color or women feel oppression rub against their skin . ... It's about who's following you through grocery stores, how you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, and whether you believe there's any hope for you surviving in your life .. ..I'm an Arab American.

Culturally and ethnically and personally, I feel very alienated from white culrure.

Si Kahn, 57, singer/songwriter and executive director of Grassroots Leadership, Charlotte, NC Being jewish centers me in history. I claim a white identity because, functionally, I enjoy white privilege. But in conversations with white men who do not have an ethruc self-identification, I find a difference in being jewish . ... It includes a responsibility to stand with people who are being pushed around, to speak up, to try to be useful.

Tim Wise, 33, writer, lecturer, social critic, and activist, Nashville, TN I am beginning to think that whites are so dependent on people of color that we wouldn't know what to do without them . ... If there were no Black and Brown folks around then whites would have no one to blame but themselves for the crime that occurred; no one to blame but themselves when they didn't get th~ job they wanted; no one to blame but themselves when their lives turned I out to be less than they exgeoted.

.....---

jim Hansen, 42, executive director of United Vision for Idaho, Boise, ID Challenging the System from Within I joined the Chamber of Commerce in __...-' Boise. I have access to people in power , john Allocca, 39, bilingual Spanish teacher, because of my privilege. I wanted to exercise Boston, MA \ that privilege in a way that opens up greater I say very honestly (to my sruden\:s),"You opportunities for both learning and power for have every right to have doubts about me and people of color and white women ... : My role a lot of other white folks, because we, as a is to back up people of color and white people in genera\ have done you and your 路 1 women as they stick their necks out. people wrong." I tell my students that I grew up in a racist society, and that I've changed \ Chip Berlet, 52, researches right. wing groups, because of my experiences living and working Cambridge, MA with people from different communities. !learned two things: One, hate groups When I was their age, I was a scared, con路 victimize communities that are in crisis and fused, young white boy who would never tum them towards white supremacy by buildwant to hang out with any of them. ing an identity among the young men . ... Two, you can organize essentially prejudiced people BiU]ohnston, 60,former Boston, MA, to fight this hate and that's a victory, even if police officer, Emerald Island, NC . on a very tiny level. You can't go in and eradiI have a vision that when we amve at the cate white privilege overnight. If it means 10 Pearly Gates, we're going to find out that God .years to take a neighborhood from violence to is everything that we're not. If God made us peace, leaving unresolved lots of issues of all, then he is all of us. At my moment of prejudice, that's still ~onh it. death, the God who comes to judge me will be young, gay, Jewisn, African American. And she is ,going to say, "How the hell did you treat me?"

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Challenging the System from the Margins Rich~rd Lapchick, 56, advocates radal and gender justice in sports and in sodety, Orlando, FL My dad, joe Lapchick, had brought Nat "Sweetwater" Clifton (one of the first black players in the NBA) onto the New York !<nicks basketball team-that's what the hanging (in effigy) and picketing and calls were all about. Twenty-eight years later, in 1978, my own son, who was five years o\d and named after my dad, came to me one day. He asked me, "Daddy, are you a nigger lover?" I stepped back, paused for a few seconds, and asked him, 'joey, what do you think that is?" "I don't know, but some mean man just called me on the phone and told me you were one."

Terry Kupers, 58, psychiatrist, prison activist, and author, Oakland, CA .

Black people were saying, "You know, we're not saying we don't want you. We're just saying that we want you to go organize white folks. We need you to do that, and you need to listen to us." I thought that was perfectly reasonable.

doing to challenge white privilege in this supposedly progressive organization?" ..J don't like the way that whiteness has mamfested itself in our society. I am profoundly displeased with what my cul'ture has perpetuated in the United States ... . And so I see my role as especially important in being what someone on .a right wing talk show called me, a "race traitor." In some ways, I wear that as a badge of honor, that he thinks of me as a race traitor.

Cooper Thompson is a senior consultant at VISIONS, a multicultural consulting organization, and the author of many ess~s and educational materials. Emmett Schaefer is an adjunct assistant professor of sodology at the University of Massachusetts, Boston. Harry Brod edited A Mensch Among Men ¡ Explorations in jewish Masculinity (Crossing Press, 1988) and The Making of Masculinities (Routledge, 1992), and coedited Theorizing Masculinities (Sage, 1994); he is a professor of philosophy and humanities at the University of Northern Iowa.

The Next Generation Matt Reese, 26, cqmmunity activist, Louisville, KY (Klan members) see themselves as fighting for the white race, but they don't speak for me, and I'm pan of the white race. You carry everybody that you know with you when you're there. I speak for all these people when I go there-my mom, my dad, my family, my friends and their beliefs-I'm speaking for every organization I represent. . .. There's a rush to that because I know I have them behind me in spirit.

Bill Vandenbetg, 31, co-executive director of the Cowrado Progressive Coalition, Denver, CO I'm proud about being a codirector who is always asking, "What are we doing about the racism in our own institution? What are we

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Why Ending Men's Violence Is Men's Work

By Jackson Katz he time has come for people of all backgrounds and beliefs to unite in ending men's violence against women, children, and other men. It has destroyed too many families, torn the fabric of our communities, and absorbed a tremendous amount of precious resources.

Men's violence takes many forms: coercion, threats, and physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. It includes domestic violence, rape, sexual harassment, stalking, sex trafficking, and child sexual abuse. It also includes gaybashing and other forms of violence not typically thought of as gender violence, such as same-sex bullying. But it isn't inherent to being a man ~ men and boys are taught to use violence. It's accepted, both implicitly and explicitly, as a means of resolving conflict, or establishing and maintaining control in interpersonal relationships.

Despite the high rates of men's violence, though, we know most men aren't violent.

But until now, the vast majority of men have remained silent about this violence. It's time to reach that "silent majority" and engage more men in ending gender violencenot only because the perpetrators are mostly men, but also because most leaders are men. And there's reason for optimism: ever larger numbers of men are working ,to shift the social norms that jeopardize the health and safety of women and girls, as well as of boys and men.

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Where we stand today Despite all the accomplishments of the battered women's and rape crisis movements over the past 30 years," there hasn't been much change in the incidence of gender violence. Each year in the U.S., up to three million women are physically abused or raped by their intimate parrners. And the problem is surfacing in younger and younger populations. One recent study found that one in five teen dating relationships contains some form of physical or sexual abuse, with males as perpetrators in the vast majority of cases.

Most of the important gender violence prevention work in the past two decades has focused on girls and women-a valuable riskreduction approach that teaches them to avoid victimization. But it is not truly preventive

because it doesn't address the root causes of the violence. We need the focus to shift to creating a social climate-in male peer culture at every level...:..._in which the abuse of women is seen as completely unacceptable. Since violence is learned behavior, prevention strategies must teach boys and men how to be men in ways that do not involve physically, sextially, or emotionally abusing girls and women. This sounds straightforward, but rape and battering prevention programs that incorporate a focus on redefining masculine norms are still far from the educati9nal mainstream.

Gender violence as a men's issue Currently, too many men view gender violence as primarily a women's issue. fur prevention approaches to succeed, they must also see it as a men's issue. How do we promote this? One way is to make clear that in spite of the fact that few men have played a significant role in gender violence prevention, men have a very real stake in ending violence against women and girls.

It's not as though men aren't affected by men's violence and the gender roles that contribute to it. Many men have suffered directly as a result of violence done to them or to their female loved ones. Consider boys whose mothers fiave been murdered, or fathers whose daughters have been raped, or male parrners of women who have been sexually haTas?ed in the workplace. If only a small

percentage of the many men who have been damaged by such violence became active in prevention, social norms around gender violence would change radically.

Virtually all women live daily with the threat of men's violence. Women's consciousness about this is so pervasive that many take precautions every day, often without even thinking about it. If men care deeply about women, and this threat of violence is a major concern to women, then it follows that men should do something to reduce this threat.

A "big tent" approach to ending men's violence So what exactly can be done to increase the number of men doing gender violence prevention work? What specific strategies could motivate greater numbers of men to join a "big tent" movement?

A big tent approach involves expanding dramatically the numbers of individuals and groups who are working to eliminate gender violence. To be sustainable, it must allow for many different voices to be Heard, and requires the collective knowledge, desire, and skills of many groups and constituencies. While the larger goal of ending men's violence is shared by all under the big tent, strategies for achieving this will sometimes vary according to the cultural norms of different communities. The approach includes reaching out to organizations that have not yet addressed gender violence directly, but have worked in related fields. fur example, there are many organizations fighting child abuse or youth violence, advocating for healthy families and communities, or supporting vulnerable women and men, but not pan of gender violence prevention effons per se. A big tent approach to gender violence prevention would include such organizations, because the issues they address are so closely connected to gender violence.

It would also include a wide array of national and local organizations that value violence-free

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(Continued from previous page) may lead to violence. in this work at different levels, there are bound They can respond to incidents of violence to be differences of opinion on many issues, or harassment before, during, or after the fact. including the causes of gender violence.

They can model healthy relationships and Problems may arise from the fact that individupeaceful conflict resolution. This shift in focus als from different organizations or backgrounds from men as potential perpetrators to men as may use very different language to talk about bystanders allows men who are not abusive to men's violence and its causes. These are real see how they can be part of the solution. It's challenges, but our differences are also pan of more effective to appeal to men's goodness, the strength of the big tent approach. Men's values, and self-interests than to use a lanviolence is a multifaceted problem. Prevention of men's violence requires a variety of perspecguage of blame.

As more men become engaged in this tives and strategies. To fit diversity of opinion issue, how will men and women work togeth• under the same tent, we must center the work er to end men's violence? Men and women where there is common ground. Coalition building involves finding overlapping interests, enter into these parmerships with different perspectives, each carrying legacies derived not assuming parmers are fully compatible. from different Instead of focusing on the areas of potential conflict, the emphasis should be on the points experiences of power, privilege, of agreement and shared objectives. If individvulnerability, and uals and groups of men and women can agree exclusion. Trust that ending men's violence is a necessary and communities, but have not traditionamong men and urgent objective; other differences can be ally worked on issues closely connectwomen is not a tabled-at least for the moment. ed to gender violence-including given, nor is there Despite the challenges, we can and must those representing schools, labor, inherently a fmd common ground to work together. If we shared underbusiness, gay/lesbian/bisexual! transreally want to reduce men's violence, and the gender communities, and a variety of standing of the suffering it causes, we have no other choice. political or religious affiliations. goals of the work.

A big tent approach needs to As men engage in jackson Katz, founder of Mentors in Violence engage men at different levels, this work, it's critPrevention, is an anti-violence educator featured in through their personal commitments, ical that they the videos Tough Guise: Violence, Media and organizational ties, and their roles in respect women's the Crisis in Masculinity and Wrestling with the broader political process. This leadership in this Manhood, produced with the Media Education requires better collaboration across area, and work Foundation. The author would lihe to thank Dean · government and community agencies, jackson Katz with women ·to Peacock and james Lang for their significant conwith service providers and civic leaders create complementary prevention and intertributions to this article, and Lucy Salcido Carter working together, for example, on common vention strat~gies . for her editorial assistance. A longer version of this policy goals to end men's violence. At the indiWith such a wide array of groups engaged article is available at www.endabuse.orw'bpi/. vidual level, men can work in their families to make it clear that abusive behavior is not welcome there. They can also use their interactions with boys and young men in other settings, such as schools, athletic teams, trade apprenticeships, and the military, to model respect for women and girls and challenge attitudes that contribute to violence. At the organizational level, we need to build institutions' Now accepting applications for level I of capacity to deal more effectively with men's violence and ensure that men play a role in speakour three year training in psychosynthesis/ ing out against violence. Work at this level holistic counsel ing. Program begins in the helps establish gender violence as a public fall of 2003. One weekend a month for issue. Organizations can also influence creation and enforcement of better policies to prevent nine months ayear. This program has been gender violence. And because men's violence is offered for over twen!}' years. CEUs availnot a stand-alone issue, policy efforts in related able. A path to right livelihood. Complete fields such as health, education, and labor can also be pan of a national violence prevention info on our web site or call or write for effort. brochure.

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To succeed, we need a flexible, creative approach to increasing men's participation, one that takes into account what will motivate men to act. Because most men are not violent, it doesn't help to treat them as perpetrators or potential perpetrators. Instead, it makes sense to enlist men as bystanders who can do something to stop violence. "Bystanders" in this context are family members, friends, teammates, classmates, or colleagues. They are men embedded in peer cultures with other men.

They can interrupt attitudes in other men that

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Ending Violence Against Women

Being a "Good Guy" Isn't Enough

By Don McPherson

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itting in an airpon recendy on my way to a nonviolence conference, I watched as a mother and her four-year-old paced the concourse awaiting an incoming flight. I imagined her as a single mom and thought how difficult it must be for women to raise boys on their own. As the boy began to whine in the typical protest of a child, his mother turned and demanded, "Would you be a man!" It was then I realized he had male influence in his life. It was the narrow example that taught him to shut up, drop his head, and take a seat.

I am a former National Football League player who has joined Lifetime Television, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and music star Michael Bolton in a campaign to bring men and women together to put an end to violence against women. just recendy we convened in Vvll.shington to hold a speak-out and meet with Congress to bring attention to the issue.

Several years ago, jackson Katz, founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention, opened my eyes t0 the many ways our society devalues · and disregards the rights of women, viewing women as "less than" men. Although I thought myself to be a "good guy," I had to recognize my own culpability as a bystander. I became acutely aware of social dynamics that reinforced and supponed sexism and misogyny. I also learned that calling violence against women a "women's issue" allows men to not be involved in the solution, and often not even to understand the factors that contribute to the problem. I learned that just being a "good guy" was not enough; it's going to take "good guys" speaking up, supponing women, and confronting the men who would otherwise remain silent or unaware of the problem.

The boy in the airpon, I thought, would grow to be a man indifferent to the reality of violence against women. He may even grow up to be a perpetrator. He's learned at a very early age that to "be a man" means shutting off his feelings and ignoring his emotions.

Ultimately, he's learning his feelings don't matter. When I explained this story to a group of middle-school students several weeks ago, a 13-year-old boy asked if there was something · wrong with ignoring our feelings. The answer is simple: If we learn our feelings don't matter, why should we care about anyone else's feelings? More troubling, both of these boys understood that behavior to be required of a man.

The insidious power of sexism and misogyny is its ability to silence women's voices. Bu~ sexism works to silence men as well. The

silence of the young boy in the airpon is just one example. Every man has been silenced by the language that mandates "manli' behavior.

It begins with comments such as "you throw like a girl." We learn not only to shut off the behavior and emotions of the moment, but to view girls as being "less than." This statement would not be an insult if that were not the belief. Though many women don't adhere to this thinking, they do want their boys to grow up to be "real men," since that is what they understand to be appropriate male behavior.

The notion that men and women are inherently from different worlds is an attempt to maintain the status quo. We'll never understand each other; therefore we musm't try to communicate as equals, but rather accept where we are.

This maintains the social hierarchy of women as less than men, and men being unable to control the unemotional and violent disposition that so accurately defines masculinity in our culture.

This is why it's so critical for men and women to work together. It can no longer be a "women's issue" to stop violence against women. We must work to dispel the convenient and narrow thinking that men are from Mars and women from Venus. We're all from Eanh, and our children are being raised on the values we instill and deem appropriate.

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For more information, contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, www.ncadv.orw; thejenna Foundation for Non-Violence, www.jennafoundation.org; lifetime Thlevision for Women-The Division, http://www.lifetimetv.com/ shows/division/.

Don McPherson is a former NFL footbaU player. He is current!Y on the board of directors of the ]enna Foundation for Non-Vwlence and lectures on nonviolence around the country.

A version of this article original!>' appeared in WomensEnews (www.womensenews.org).

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Memory Has No Statute of Limitations

By Paul Ehmann offee and the paper: My morning ritual.

I scan the national news and the local stuff. Today I notice there are no articles about children being molested. I breathe a denying sigh of relief and wonder if normal people think with the caution flag out like I do.

I've done all I could to forget: piles of drugs, barrels of alcohol, promiscuous sex and now food for my comfon. Therapists have told me, "It's a miracle that you're even alive."

How do you reconcile that?

Fifteen years of therapy have not unleashed a complete and deserved self-forgiveness. It's been 35 years since I was sexually trespassed but it seems like yesterday. It always comes back. Shame exacts an unyielding grip. It's sadly ironic that even the notion of simply noticing no anicles about sexual abuse can set me up to remember my own. This day my memories are vague and easily shaken off.

Tomorrow's newspaper may bring on another reason why recall lives on. In perpetuity.

Another day shot full of memories. Today I'll hear and read more how the Catholic Church is hiding the perpetrators while defending and "monitoring" itself. No wonder kids still keep the secret.

The more powerful the trauma, the longer it takes to fully acknowledge it. Where we come from, we learn not to pay attention to details.

So we carry the secret along with the empty sentences that cannot describe our hun.

There are no words for this type of shame, no words for the unfounded guilt, no words for a child's newfound lack of expression, no words for the secrets kept, no words for the stolen dignity, no words for the love lost, no words for the shattered trust, no words for the imperceptible injury, no words for the coldly dispatched spirit, no words for lingering memories. There is only anger and frustration.

Again today I'm forced to remember. The respite went unnoticed. It's good to leave memories unopened for a while. They can .return with a fury.

The light was red and I was id)!.ng. Out of the comer of my right eye I saw the silhouette.

I'd seen it from the other side too many times.

I have the displeasure of running into him on

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occasion (we still live in the same town and at one time lived on the same street) and the degree of emotional strain I feel is different each time. This time the air is sucked out of me, momentarily asthmatic with disbelief.

Won't he ever go away?

He was staring straight ahead, profiled inside the safety of his car, but I could see his face clearly. (In my mind's eye the safety glass shatters as I fly through the unopened window, grab his beefy neck and twist the life out of him. I weep at the realization that even his death gives life to memory.) I tum left and, pulling away, know that once again he hasn't seen me. I instinctively know that I'll keep this incident to myself and, once again, the secret is hidden.

So here it is. A despicable man makes a decision to abandon all social responsibility; he snatches the unquestionable innocence of a kid and soils forever the never-to-be-known dreams of an unstained child. He drops his baggage on the short-legged table of a boy barely l2 imd walks away from the experience drunk with sexual relief while stuffing the spirit of a boy into his pocket like a matchbook.

Two days have gone by and I've barked at my wife, kicked the cat, begun sleeping late and, worst of all, gone silent. I don't have a spare word. Searching my soul with brutal introspection, trying to wrap my arms around hope, I squeeze the empty air and shrug with expected disappointment at another hopeless moment. This is the real crime. It's one of time. Time after frustrating time the memory comes back. And with it the unanswerable questions. Could I have done something different? What if I'd ... 7 jesus, I wish ... ' Secrecy is the common thread among survivors of sexual abuse. There is never anyone to tell. Under threat of violence comes the inherent knowledge that you won't be believed so you keep it to yourself. Don't share this, you tell yourself, and a child relies on his now distorted intuition for answers. If you expose him, he'll deny it (he said so), and you'll be · branded a faggot or a liar. The confusion is unbearable. The cycle of shame cannot be broken by a child, not without the support of an adult.

This one moment of his selfish sexual gratification, endured by a child 35 years ago, will steal three or four days from my present.

It sneaks up on me like a night shadow and in an instant I become the trembling, confused, secretive child who withstood the abuse. I am affected and carry a profoundly unnatural sorrow, like my heart is attached to a lead sinker: I do not wallow. A survivor's will to live uncannily floats to the surface while the persistent resentment of havingt.this uninvited emotional attachment to a pedophile loiters in an unsafe harbor: Memory has no statute of limitations.

Paul Ehmann is a writer healingfrom childhood sexual abuse. He practices real estate in the Alba'!>\ N. Y area and lives in Loudonville, N. Y, with his wife Diane and two cats, Stella and Pearl.

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\Roots and Wings

By Rob Okun hat bener way ro feel how fragile, precious, and awesome is rhis life than ro hold a baby-your own baby-in your arms? When I realized my daughter's high school graduation was around the comer, I shook my head in disbelief.

Could it be 18 years since I first cradled Aviva, her head nesrled in my outstretched palm, her tiny body relaxing into the crook of my arm?

In my mind's eye I am gazing down, her pursed lips sucking, eyes twinkling, mouth exhaling sweet baby's breath. So rhis is the secret fraternity and sorority all those fathers and mothers have been talking abour.

Since that lush summer morning 18 years ago, in some sense I have lived rwo lives, mine and hers. I have felt both vulnerable and fiercely protective, tenderly rocking her in a bedroom illuminated by moonlight and then, just a few years later, scooping her up from a srreet comer she'd wandered roo close ro.

Aviva, like all children, has been one of the great teachers in my life. From the get-go she raught me about independence, sraging her birrh for the early morning of]une 28th-just hours after my birthday had ended on the 27rh. Lesson number one: "Dad, I'm my own person." I've spent the last 18 years working ro remember rhat, a useful imerpreration of the Buddha's entreaty: "Nothing is ro be clung ro as I or mine."

While parenting is not for everyone, for me becoming a father uncovered an unfulfilled pan of myself, a missing piece in the puzzle of manhood. I have found an underappreciated fundamental rruth about men: it is in our narure robe tender-ro nunure, to care for babies and young children, to be reverent roward all life-ro discover the sweet spot of selfless love essential to our humanity.

Sure, society tries ro drum all that our of us at an early age; look at how many of us grew up hearing the old saw "Big boys don't cry" when we scraped our knee. Men know well the roll that message can rake on any man who has sruffed down his hun, gone numb ro his feelings. Fatherhood may not be the only way ro access men's innate nunuring ability, but for many it alters for the better the course of their lives.

Happily, rather than passing on the "Big boys don't cry" legacy, more and more fathers are scooping up their tearful sons and comfoning them, rather than admonishing them ro "roughen up." Those of us with daughters have been fonunate to be able ro draw on

insighrs from the women's movement, and we're encouraging strength and independence in the young women in our care, attributes heretofore primarily reserved for boys.

As Aviva wended her way from the preschool an rable and book comer to ponraying environmental foremother Rachel Carson at an elementary school science fair, I stood by in loving wimess, as a guide ro the emerging young woman before me. I know some mothers and fathers feel conflicted or resentful about having ro drop everything to tend ro the more complicated emotional scrapes a l 0-year-old, or a high school senior experiences, bur somehow I've never questioned rhat pan of the job.

Aviva's role is to keep flapping her wings and soaring farther and farther away from the nest; mine is ro be home with the from light on, ready with an English muffin and a bowl of cereal on the kitchen rable.

Last summer Aviva spent several weeks in Guatemala attending a Spanish language immersion program. We had ro leave the house in the middle of the night for her to make the six a.m. flight from Bosron. Once on the highway, I found myself 路glancing in her direction, her face illuminated by the rumpike lighrs. Even in the dark I could still see her as I first had all those years ago-pursed lips sucking, eyes twinkling, mouth exhaling sweet baby's breath. This was that baby, I said to myself in awe. My eyes glistened.

A few days before she was to -rerum home, she e-mailed that campesinos had closed all the roads ro the airpon to protest unfulfilled government promises. She couldn't predict when she'd be able ro leave the country. I sprang into action. In no time I'd spoken ro officials in the Srate Depanment in 'Mlshington and with their coumerpans at the consulate in Guatemala City. I spoke to them not as a U.S. citizen, not as an activist critical of the government's Cenrral American policy; I spoke to them as a father. That was my role-ro drop everything and come ro my child's aid. What steps could be raken ro ensure Aviva's safety?

I appealed ro the parent on the other end of the line, not the faceless bureaucrat. By the following day, as it happened, the campesinos had sropped blocking the roads and Aviva

The author and his daughter in 1986. soon was able ro come home. I breathed a sigh of relief.

With her depanure for college imminent, I find myself re-reading a framed quotation on a wall in my house rhat I've had up ever since a friend gave it ro me soon after Aviva was born.

"The only legacy one should leave their children," it says, "is roors and wings." I hope I have.

Rob Okun is associate director of the Men's Resource Center and editor of Voice Male.

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Memo to Senator Santorum

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What Part of "Family" Don't You Understand?

By Barbara Allen t's Sunday morning, and I've just returned home from a leisurely walk with my golden retriever. As I walked along the bank of a small winding river near my house, I breathed the fragrance of flowers blooming and wimessed Canada geese overhead flying back home. I live in a small town of about 30,000, and from the distance I could hear church bells singing their Sunday song from the tall white steeple of a New England church.

It was a slow srroll through this heavenly area of town, my body tired from a week full of activities. Today I walked for about an hoUI; instead of my daily 30-minute run. Thday, Sunday, is a day of rest.

My thoughts flickered over the past week, and I smiled as I pictured my 13-year-old doing what he loves best: playing soccer, hot and fast.

He loves it all, both practices and games. And I love watching him, aggressively charging the ball, skillfully passing, playing his hean out.

It was a full week for my 16-year-old daughter, too, for she is in the a capella group at high school and they took a two-day trip to New York Oty. It's taken months of bake sales and late-night frosting of cupcakes to get the group there. Singing at the United Nations, seeing a Broadway show, touring NBC, she came home exhausted and exhilarated.

My hean filled as my mind danced over the past week thinking of my kids, for I love my children profoundly. You see, I'm one of those "involved" morns. I'm president of the PTO at the middle school, I'm co-chair of the ans committee at the high school, I helped produce the high school musical, I created the school book fair-the list goes on and on. I do this because, frankly, I'm a very family-oriented mom.

So I was angry at Sen. Rick Santorum, the Republican from Pennsylvania who earlier this year made antigay comments--bigoted remarks equating "gay" and "lesbian" with "antifamily."

Senator Santorum said, "Whether it's polygamy, whether it's adultery, whether it's sodomy. all of those things antithetical to a healthy, stable, rraditional family."

I wonder, Senator Santorum, when you were young, were you creative? Did you ever color outside the lines? And now, if you have a partner, do you ever privately talk about your intimate relationship? Do you have an intimate relationship? Since you feel comfortable declaring what's right for others, would you publicly declare what's right for you? I assume you keep this information sacred in the privacy of your own home, a5 adults do. But after your recent comments it only seems fair that we all get to know. That way, we can judge what you're doing and let you know if it meets our moral standards. · t'm co-chair of the Northampton Pride March and when we celebrated.our 22nd March and Rally in May. it was right after you made your remarks. At the end of the March I

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stood under the flagpole at the park where two flags flew together in a gentle breeze: the American flag on top, and the rainbow-colored Pride Flag right below.

And at my back were huge white tents with almost a hundred vendors waiting to greet the thousands marching down Main Srreet. I stood there as the marchers entered into the park.

Church members marching behind their various banners, gay and lesbian families pushing srrollers full of kids, town officials actively participating, bands playing, floats with pulsating music. It was a joyous and colorful sight.

On Pride Day and today, we are a community united. We are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and rransgendered. We are supponive srraight allies.

We recognize we are a community of diversity, we are a nation of diversity, and we are a world of diversity.

We march in celebration and pride, and in knowledge of the work we have yet to do. We march for Matthew Shepard and his family and the thousands of others who, as victims of hate crimes, have been hun or killed in this counrry

and around the world. We march because people still say homophobic, immoral, stupid things.

And so to you, Senator Santorum, I say: Stop your words of hate and ignorance. My panner and I have been together for 18 years.

She and I have raised our kids together since their births. They are wonderful teenagers. We are proud morns. We teach them the rrue meaning oflove and they have learned to color outside the lines. It's time for you to shut your mouth, open your hean and mind, and stan to color outside the lines.

Next Sunday. I'll be at my church, on Main Srreet-where my entire family is welcome. It's one of those rraditional New England churches with a tall white steeple.

Barbara Allen is a documentary filmmaker; chiropractor, and co-chair of the Northampton Pride March. She lives in Northampton, Mass.

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Men's Health Diagnosis: Poor ocial and behavioral factors may help explain why Ameriean men, especially low-income and minority men, are less healthy than women in almost every way, according to research in the May issue of the American journal of

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Public Health.

Men have higher death rates for 14 of the 15 leading causes of death in the United States (Alzheimer's disease is the only exception) and much higher rates of serious diseases like hypertension and cancer.

Men are also twice as likely as women to die from accidents, suicide, cirrhosis of the liver, and homicide-all of which have a social and behavioral component.

"Beliefs about masculinity and manhood that are deeply rooted in culture and supported by social institutions play a role in shaping the behavioral patterns of men in ways that have consequences for health," says David R. Williams, Ph.D., MPH, of the University of Michigan. "Many of the stable and relatively universally noted [health] differences between men and women are not biologically inevitable but are importantly shaped by social arrangements." Economic stress and unemployment, hazardous work conditions, poor personal health and coping practices, and poor access to health care are among the specific health challenges examined in the issue. An1ong the other findings :

• A striking rise in heart disease deaths among middle-aged men in Eastern Europe may be partially caused by the men's inability to cope with economic and social stresses brought on by the fall of communism.

Behavioral interventions that help the men cope with depression and avoid destructive behaviors like alcoholism are needed.

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• Studies that examine how different groups of men use Medicare illustrate some of the disparities in health care experienced by black men. Even when health insurance and income differences are accounted for, black men still receive fewer common surgical procedures like angioplasty and fewer preventive and screening services like flu shots and colonoscopies . "Sadly, the health status of African-American men may serve as the proverbial canary in the coal inine for other poor men in this nation and in our global village," Henrie M. Treadwell, Ph.D., of theW K. Kellogg Foundation writes.

• A study of 304 black and white men suggests that most believe regular prostate-

specific antigen' screening tests can identify and lower the death rate from prostate cancer--even though most health professionals remain undecided about the test's effectiveness. Men in the study did not know enough about PSA testing to give informed consent for such screening, according to researchers .

• Accidents, cancer, chronic liver disease, and suicide are the leading causes of death for American Indian and Alaskan Native men, whose death rates at every age are much · higher than those of women in these groups .

American Indian and Alaskan Native men are also less likely to seek medical help and more likely to pursue risk-taking behaviors like binge drinking and poor safety belt use. Loss of cultural identity and traditional male roles may explain some of this behavior.

• Preliminary studies suggest th.at smoking rates among Asian American and Pacific Islander males are higher than rates in the general U.S. male population, but there is very little da ta on tobacco use among the 50 or more ethnic and language groups that make up this population .

Efforts to improve men's health will have far-reaching effects, according to Amos L. Smith, MSW, LCSW, of the Community Foundation for Greater New Haven (Conn.).

"Communities need men who are healthy, able to work, and able to contribute to uplifting their families and. communities.

Poor health restricts one's capacity to consistently contribute," Smith says.

For more information, contact Health Behavior News Service: (202) 387-2829 or www.hbns.org; America1i]oumal of Public Health: (202) 777-2511 or www.ajph.org.

Onformation for this story was provided by the Health Behavior News Service, www. hbns.org.)

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Finding Community and Connection

A New Journey, a New Spiritual Home

By Bob Sternberg Editor's Note: Response to Voice Male managing editor Michael Burke's article in the Spring issue, "Men Overcoming Depression," was positive and both the magazine and its parent organization, the Men's Resource Center; heard from men glad that Voice Male was continuing to break the taboo of discussing this vulnerable aspect of men.

Some men attending the MRC's drop-in support groups said they had done so as a result of reading the article; others said just reading it helped them to feel they weren't alone. To continue the dialogue, Voice Male will publish occasional columns on "Men Overcoming Depression, "featuring.first person accounts like the one that follows .

w.

hen my wife of 17 years divorced me, depression hit me harder than t ever had during any earlier time in my life. The divorce came simultaneously with the loss of my job. I was without a partner and without any work that could give my life meaning and sustain me through the pain of dealing with the trauma of divorce. My mother, my father, and my two aunts were no longer living. My grandmother had long been dead. My two closest friends were also dead.

They had passed away at a young and untimely age. And, having no brothers or sisters, I found myself completely alone and abandoned, with no supporr system and no relationships that had any real depth or significance to them.

I had no desire to go on living. Only my Orthodox Jewish indoctrination prevented me from seriously considering suicide.

I prayed daily for G-d to just take me, because I was living a non-life that had no meaning or purpose to it.

I moved to another city and began a program I hoped would open the door to a new career I was living in an apanment and school was to begin in a few days. In my depressed state of mind I took a walk around the neighborhood which was close to the school I would be going to.

I stumbled across an Onhodox synagogue five blocks from my aparrment. My ex-wife was Jewish but nonobservant, and during my marriage one of the sacrifices I had made was the strict observance of my religion. It had been quite a few years since I had attended synagogue regularly, said my daily prayers, and so forth. According to the Orrhodox tradition, .

Jews do not drive to the synagogue on the

Sabbath- we walk, because driving involves turning on the ignition to the car, which is like "kindling a fire," which is prohibited on the Sabbath. One of my secret yearnings during my marriage had been to live in a neighborhood where I could once again attend an Onhodox synagogue and be within walking distance. The universe had now put me face to face with an opporrunity to repossess what I had lost.

My mind starred to play tricks with me.

"What is an Onhodox synagogue doing in this neighborhood?" I said to myself. "It's probably a carryover from an earlier time when more Jews lived here. It's probably geriatric and half dead and if I walk into this place and they find out I know how to lead services, they'll be all over me asking me to do things ... " And I looked at the billboard in front of the litde synagogue again and read "Modem Onhodox synagogue." "Good," I whispered to myself.

"It's not going to be full of black-hatted fanatics who are going to judge me and rum me off-the kind that turned me off years earlier and drove me away from Onhodoxy." And the president's name was on the board-it was a woman's name.

"Oh," I thought.

"They have a woman for a president. This is good ... " And I made a decision then and there to go to the Friday night service and just see what was there. "I could always lie to people if I am asked any questions," I said to myself. "I could make up a name and a phony story ... " When I went on Friday night, contrary to my expectations, I discovered a room full of young people in their twenties and thinies and early fonies-full of life with hardly a gray head among them. There was a podium, but nobody was sitting there, and I noticed a thirtyish young man sitting in the front row among the congregants and looking around the room for new faces. He made immediate eye contact with me, and when the service ended he made a beeline in my direction.

This was the rabbi of the synagogue, it turned out. He starred introducing me to people, who immediately extended an invitation to join them for dinner That was how I was ushered into a new spiritual home.

Going to this synagogue was the beginning of my journey toward repossessing my soul.

The synagogue turned out to be a major

Jewish singles hangout in the new city I was living in. I began to discover my ability to make friends on my own and I developed some friendships there that have continued with me into my new life, even after I moved to Springfield, Mass., and got a new job in my old field . I never discussed my divorce with any but two of the new friends I had made.

And people, including the rabbi, were sensitive and tactful and understood and respected the boundaries I had silendy set. No one tried to fix me up with anyone. I didn't date there at all-! couldn't. Emotionally I was incapable of doing it. But that is another story.

Yes, there have still been many moments of depression, even after this groundbreaking event in my life. And there have even been moments when my spirit has felt dark and gloomy, moments when I have prayed to G-d to take me out of life. But these moments have diminished in frequency.

Four years after the divorce, three years into my new job, active in a supporr group at the Men's Resource Center and now at the beginning of a new journey into a world of · new friendships and new relationships, some of them deep and very intimate, my worst , bouts with depression have begun to recede.

I live alone, and I hate it-when I am alone for too long, I do get depressed. But I have repossessed my faith-in my religion, in G-d, in people, and mosdy in myself. And I am now really ready to take those next steps.

And who knows what new adventures lie ahead?

Bob Sternberg is executive director of the Hatikvah Holocaust Education and Resource Center in Sprinf!field, Mass., and attends and fadlitates support groups as a volunteer at the Men's Resource Center.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••• :

SAVE THE DATE!

:

Ht h Arllllr .J I

CHALLENGE & CHANGE •

Aw. ud s B. II Hill l'l

•

:

Sunday, November 16,2003

:

• • :

Log Cabin Banquet and Meeting House, Holyoke, MA • New Time: 11am-2pm.

For more info call253-9887, ext. 10

• • :

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••• 21

(Men at Work, continued from page 7)

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hood and the domestic violence movements have been framed by the white middle class.

Before Minnesota Sen. Paul Wells tone died The fatherhood movement is often seen as in a plane crash, he introduced the Victims' synonymous with the "fathers' rights" moveEconomic Security and Safety Act to the ment, which focuses on divorced fathers ' Senate in july 2001. Democratic Reps. Carolyn issues around visitation and custody of their Maloney of New York and Lucille Roybalchildren. And the domestic violence moveAllard of California introduced the same bill ment has primarily been about protecting to the House. women and getting the issue recognized by The Wellstone bill is bipartisan and would protect the employment and economic security • the coun system.

Yet most of the men in urban domestic vioof domestic abuse victims. It entitles eligible lence couns are poor and African American or employees--including welfare-to-work particiLatina-the very men welfare recipients are pants-to take up to 30 days of unpaid leave to supposed to be marrying. The issues presented deal with a domestic violence siruation. The bill by the fatherhood moverrierit and the domestic forbids employers from removing health benefits violence movement often are not relevant to or demoting the employee during this time and the families involved in these siruations. even mandates that employers keep the reason Given this context, representatives of the for the absence strictly confidential. When fatherhood programs say they often· don't Congress adjourned last session, the bill had know how to approach the issue of domestic been read twice and referred to the Senate violence. They worry about alienating the Finance Committee and a House subcommittee. men and creating or exacerbating dangerous For more information, contact: siruations. http://wvvw.lizclaibome.com/lizinc/lizworks/ "Fatherhood groups are not being asked -women/; http://wvvw.altria.com/responsibility/ to become barterer intervention programs.

04_05_04_domviol.asp; Corporate Alliance to Simply put, they must be mindful of the exisEnd Parmer Violence-http://wvvw.caepv.org. tence of domestic violence, " said jacquelyn Boggess, senior policy analyst at the Center on Fathers, Families, and Public Policy. ':A fatherBreaking Silence: Fatherhood hood program, at any point in time, may be Programs and Domestic serving a current barterer, a furure barterer, and someone who'll never batter. Teaching resp ~n­ Violence sible fatherhood is not going to happen in a With Congress on the verge of spending vacuum." millions to promote marriage, few want to talk A copy of "Fatherhood Programs and about an underlying problem that could saboDomestic Violence" is available at tage the "marriage incentive" program: domeswvvw.cffpp.org; for print orders or for more tic violence. Researchers have consistently information, call (608) 257-3148. found that 20 to 30 percent of women on welfare are victims of domestic violence, and about two-thirds are former vict;ims.

Even Tough Guys Get the Blues The Center on Fathers, Families, and Public Policy, a national policy research and Research has commonly shown that advocacy organization, has been working to depression affects twice as many women as get fatherhood programs to discuss how they · men. But srudies also suggest that men are less likely to seek treatment for depression can defuse domestic violence in poor commuthan women, and men die by suicide at four nities. To do this, they have created opponunities for fatherhood groups to have discussions times the rate of women. Moreover, clinical with women's groups, who are worried that findings reveal that women and men talk difmarriage incentives will subject more poor ferently--or in the case of men, don't talkabout the symptoms of depression, which may mothers to domestic violence.

The Center has released a new repon that be why many instances of male depression go unreponed and hence untreated. caprures two discussions, one among fatherhood advocates alone, the other a joint meetThat being the case, this April the National ing of fathers' and women's groups.

Instirute of Mental Health (NIMH), one of the "Regardless of the current policy trend, if National Instirutes of Health, launched the suppon programs for poor men and women first national campaign to raise awareness that are to be successful they must address the depression is a major public health problem issue of domestic violence," said David Pate, affecting an estimated six million men annually. executive director of the Center on Fathers, The NIMH public health campaign-"Real Families, and Public Policy. "Our strategy has Men. Real Depression"-fearures the personal been to create a dialogue that [will] enable stories of men who live with depression, both groups to deal with the issue while not including a firefighter, a diving champion, a alienating their program panicipants or endanretired U.5. Air Force sergeant, a lawyer, a . gering women." publisher, and a college srudent.

'There is a clear consensus among both "For generations men have been told that they have to act tough," U.S. Surgeon General groups that unhealthy marriage-an unhealthy relationship-is detrimental to children," said Richard Carmona said. 'Today we're saying to Oliver Williams, a meeting panicipant and men, it's okay to talk to someone about what executive director of the National Institute on you're thinking, or how you're feeling, or if Domestic Violence in the African American you're hurting. We are attacking the stigma Community. "Our dialogue was one step in that tough guys can't seek help . They can and the process to define and explore the characthey should." teristics of a healthy relationship."

Depression is a serious medical condition One significant concern raised by particithat affects the body, mind, and behavior. pants is that the valu~s pushed in the fatherDepression can strike anyone regardless of age,

•

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Many Stf!nBS we.lcomes tdhilidn-Aii who make three~year or above' $1 ,ooo per year.

•

~fU:~,~ Identified a goal pf , ~ nf(mbeiS with contributiblfiS totaling $150,000

Ju'11 30, 2003.

ethnic background, socioeconomic starus, or gender; symptoms of depression vary among individuals. Srudies have shown that men may not recognize irritability, sleep problems, loss of interest in work or hobbies, and withdrawal as signs of depression. This may result in fewer men recognizing their depression and asking for the help they need.

Instead of acknowledging their feelings, asking for help, or seeking appropriate treatment, men wit,h depression may be more likely to tum to alcohol or drugs, or to become frustrated, discouraged, angry, or irritable.

Some men may throw themselves compulsively into their work or hobbies, attempting to hide their depression from themselves, family, and friends ; other men may respond to depression by engaging in reckless behavior.

"This is an imponant area of research," said Dr. Dennis Charney, chief of the Mood and Anxiety Disorders Program at NIMH. "We need to understand how men respond to stress and symptoms associated with depression, and how to alen physicians to better recognize and treat depressive disorders in men."

Individuals and organizations are encouraged to call the campaign's toll-free number, 1-866-227-6464, and to access the NIMH website, http://www. nimh.nih.gov/, to learn more. (See also Bob Sternberg's '1\ New journey, a New Spiritual Home" in this issue, page 21 , and Michael Burke's "Men Overcoming Depression" in the Spring 2003 Voice Male, page 12.)

Southern Africa

Redefining Masculinity in the HIV/AIDS Era hat does it mean to be a man in Southern Africa? How do young men perceive themselves as single men, husbands, fathers and breadwinners?

How do these perceptions interact with the HN/AIDS pandemic in a context of poverty and unemployment? These and related topics were discussed at a regional conference on men and HN/AIDS held earlier this year in Pretoria, South Africa. lu the three-day conference, organized by the Regional AIDS Initiative of Southern Africa of Voluntary Services Overseas (RAISANSO), activists and researchers from Southern and East Africa explored issues of male involvement in the pandemic.

Participants agreed that the concept and practice of masculinity needed to be reconstructed in ways that fit new socio-economic realities, from ruralurban migration to women's advancement, AIDS and unemployment. A new way of perceiving manhood would empower men to live their sexuality differently and to take active community responsibility Studies and surveys presented at the conference showed that men and boys across the spectrum of race and class feel disoriented by sociocultural changes taking place in Southern Africa. "Today's system has lessened men's role as decision-makers," said Douglas Kabanda, a social scientist with . the Promotion of Traditional Medicine Association of South Africa. The sense of displacement and irrelevance, coupled with unemployment and poverty, undermines male self-esteem. It leads to sexual behavior that puts them and their panners at risk of HN/AIDS, such as promiscuity, irregular or no condom use, violence and alcohol and drug abuse. Many, if not most, men do not engage in such behavior. But they have little visibility in the predominant discourse of "men as drivers of the epidemic," analysts noted.

Thus, negative male images channeled by the media and by society "are internalized by young men, turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy," said Sebastian Matroos, of the Youth Skills Development Programme of the Cenrre for the Study of AIDS at the University of Pretoria.

Marroos works with marginalized young

W

men-unemployed, drug addicts, drag queens and male sex workers-in Pretoria townships.

"There is more rejection than inclusion with the result that young men feel blamed for all social evils and withdraw," he explained.

The last decade has seen an explosion of interventions around HN/AIDS centered on women and girls. There is greater understanding of the gender dimensions of the epidemic.

But many interventions fail because they do not take into account the identity constructions of the men who interact with women and girls as panners, husbands, fathers and relatives.

Among these core elements are the notions of a biologically rooted male sex drive, males as risk-takers, sex as penetration, and masculinity as conquest and domination.

"Changing the relationship of masculinity and HN risk is about far more than just changes in behavior and technology, but rather it's about uansforming the very identity of men, " argued Graham Undegger, of the School of Psychology at Natal University, in KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.

Undegger described the major findings of a study on how masculinity is constructed and maintained in South African schools and the effects of race and class on these constructions. The overall finding for all types of schools is,路 in the words of a principal, that "our boys seem to be lost." On the positive side, several AIDS interventions in the region repon some success in involving men in non-traditional ways.

In Malawi a,nd Zambia, two home-based AIDS care programs in villages are succeeding in recruiting men as volunteer caregivers, which traditionally has been a woman's job.

Out of 600 caregivers in 52 villages, 200 are men, reponed the Tovwirane AIDS Association, which works in Nsimba district in nonhern Malawi.

"It is easier for a man to nurse and bathe a sick man or to offer condoms to men," said Stephen Gichuki, of Tovwirane. Churches help to identify volunteers. Often, said Gichuki, the man has cared for family members with AIDS, or the wife has died and no relatives offer to care for sick children, and the man steps in as caregiver.

Changing the relationship of masculinity and HIV risk is about far more than changes in behavior and technologyit's about transforming the very identity of men.

The conference addressed路often marginalized issues, such as male to male sex in prisons, risk behavior among drug users, the sexuality of young black gay men in townships, male sex workers and male rape.

Men United is a South African group dedicated to breaking the silence about male rape, providing suppon and care for surVivors and their families , and educating youth to speak out against all sexual abuse. Founder Ivan Louw is himself a survivor. In 2001 he was hijacked, torrured and raped by three men near Pretoria. Narrowly escaping alive after being doused with gasoline, Louw refused to keep silent and accept the stigma associated with male rape. The emotional turmoil of a male rape survivor is compounded by the invisibility of the crime and the "macho" image prevalent in male education, Louw noted.

"Police do not enforce stigma, society does-we do-and we can change this."

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Violence statistics:

wwwfatherhood.org

RESOURCES

http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/vstats.htrnl

www.fathersnerwork. org

Homophobia and masculinities among young men (Lessons in becoming a straight man):

www.clivorcehq.com *

Men's Resources (Resources for Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men, see page 19)

The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate suppon groups, patient suppon groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literarure, low-cost housing, and transponation.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project

www.clivorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heanland!Meadows/1259/ links.htrn * www.mensruff.orglframeindex.html (Fathersrufi)

* good resource

* * strongly recommended At Home Dad: www.parentspLice.com/readroom/athomedad www.slowlane.com/frc

Children's Aid and Family Service

www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathemet

(413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for inclividuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

The Fatherhood Project:

HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals 123 Hawley St., Nonhampton.

Doors open at 6 PM.

Men at Wort is a Maine nonprofit provicling opponunities for men 18 and over to share their stories and learn life improvement skills.

Fatherhood, relationships, health, aging, our fathers, addictions, mentoring, and more.

Trained professionals facilitate. Free walk-in discussion group (Man to Man) meets in Ponland monthly, 7 to 9 pm dn first Thursday, except july and August. Residential programs (one to three days) also offered. For more information call Steve 207-865-2048 or check out www.healingmen.com.

National Men's Resource Center www.menstuff.org National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships.

The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.htrnl

The Fathers Resource Center:

(802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including suppon, prevention counseling and volunteer opponunities.

http://online.anu.edu.au/ - a112465/homaphobia.htrnl

100 Black Men, Inc.: www.1 OObm.org

National Fatherhood Initiative:

Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htrn

Pro-feminist mailing list:

www.fatherhoodproject.org

Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts:

http://coombs .anu.edu.au/- gorkin /profem.html

Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain):

www.mensresourcecenter.org

www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/tsSUes.htrnl

The Men's Bibliography:

XY: men, sex politics (from Australia):

A comprehensive online bibliography of writing on men, masculinities and sexualities. http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/ mensbiblio/mensbibliomenu.html

http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/XY /xyintro.htm

XY magazine:

www.cs.utk.edu/-banley/other/reaiMen.htrnl

Ending Men's Violence-Real Men:

http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112 465/XY/xyf.htrn

The Men's Rape Prevention Project:

Pro-feminist men's FAQ:

www.mrpp.org/intro.htrnl

http://www.anu.edu.au/-a112465/pffaq.html

Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out:

Pro-feminist men's mail list:

www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139 /quitpom,html

http://www.anu.edu.au/-a112 465/profem.htrnl

(Continued on next page)

Sex &Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and suppon services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Suppon group meetings first Wednesday and third ' Sunday of each month.

Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599.

Aeadv to Change Your Life?

Men's Group Therapy Psychotherapy tor:

Reed Schimmelfing MSW, LICSW

Couples - Families Individuals

Fathers

413-586-7454

Offices In Nort:hqmpton

Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns: Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Massachusetts the number is 1-800-392-6164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you:

,-

www.acfc.org *

Robert Mazer

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wwwfathering.org

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www.dadscan.org

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www.divorcedfather.com

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www.dadsrights .org ** (not www.dadsrights.com) www.fathers.com

PsYChotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consulta.tion I flexible fees ~

staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

256.. 0772.-J

)

Konza Massage

~rewelL,

Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Sjirit ·

Joseph Babcock

:J;;t9ft!

413.587.4334 A.M.T.A Member

Very Reasonable Rates

Nationally Certified

Thanks and Blessings for your commitment and heart working on behalf of the Men's Resource Center ;FroHt tf..t. Jt1f axd boflrd

The Power of Positive Eating Otganic Fruits & Vegetables • Bulk Grains and Beans ~ Whole Grain Bakery • Delicatessen • Cali ~ l. Otganic Wines • ·Microbrewery Beers ) 'llllllf Natural Meats • Sparkling Seafood • NaiurOJ Health & Body Care • Fresh Flowers

Bread & Circus

WHOLE FOODS MARKET Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA 413-58&9932

Hours: Monday-. Sunday: 9am- 9Pm

ojtf..t..M:RC

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••• (Continued from previous page)

Volunteers Needed AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HN or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend. To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.

Planned Parenthood of Western MA (413) 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's. services, promote safe sex practices, and rally suppon for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general office work, special projects, etc. Flexible schedules.

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young men and women.

Information and Application: .http://www.choiceusa.org/involved/gsli. php

Friday, July 11 -Saturday, July 19

Retreat and Learning Center featuling workshops, small group activities, drumming, dance, yoga, and costumes for men who want to have fun and connect with other men .

Information: email info@gayspiritvisio~ .org

Allagash River, Maine

Men's Wilderness Canoe Trip

Thursday, September 18- Sunday: September 21

join a group of men on a journey by canoe in the Maine wilderness. Information: see brochure at: www.retumtothefire.com, or contactjody Grose, (203) 778-4393

1Dth International Male Survivor Conference "Recognizing Strength & Resilience"

Saturday, July 19-Saturday, July 26 Penobscot River, Maine

Father'(or Mentor) and Son Wilderness Canoe Trip Friday, June 13- Saturday, June 14 Austin, Texas

From Bullying to Battering: Building Partnerships ·for Safe Schools join Donhy Espelage, Sylvia Cedillo, and Barri Rosenbluth for a seminar on bullying and improving school climate. Help work to prevent school violence. Topics: research and evaluation, legal issues, discrimination, strategies for safety and respect. · Information: www.austin-safeplace.org/ sbs2003/default.htm, or contact Lesley, (512) 267-SAFE; llandry@austin-safeplace.org

An experience for men and teenage young men to explore nature while deepening a sense of self. An opponunity for men to mentor young men in their lives. Co-led by Paul Gemme. Information: see brochure at www.retumtothefire.com, or contactjody Grose, (203) 778-4393

Monday, July 21- Saturday,]uly 26 Prague, Czech Republic

Second World Conference on Family Violence Information: www.wcfv.org or WCFV@a?l.com

Wednesday, June 18- Sunday, June 22 Highlands, North Carolina

Friday, July 25- Sunday, Jury 27

Gay Spirit Visions Summer Camp

Central Valley, New York

The first ever GSV camp held at The Mountain Retreat and Learning Centers. Raft, hike on the Appalachian trail, swim, read , and •relax.

Mountain Retreat staff will supervise activities.

Information: The Mountain, (828) 526-5838 or Gay Spirit Visions, info@gayspiritvisions.org

Friday, June 20- Sunday,,]une 22 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

The Father/Son Deerhaunt Retreat A weekend camping retreat open to all men who enjoy connecting with nature, spirit, and new friends. Safe, supportive, confiden tial setting. With the suppon of other men find the strength to move forward in your life.

Facilitated by Garry Alesio. · Information: Garry Alesio, (845) 371-8046; Garryalesio@aol.com

New Warrior Training Adventure A traditional masculine initiation geared to help modem day men find their own life missions. lnformationJerry Hamilton, philadelphia@mkp.org, (888)843-6982

Additional Trainings:

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• July 18, Wishington, D.C. Erik Hoopes: dc@ mkp.org (877) 657-9444 • Aug. 01 , New England Don Yun: newengland@mkp.mg (603) 891-2198 • Aug. 01, NYC, Barry Freeman: newyorkcit)r@mkp.org (212) 613-3316 • Sept. 05, Philadelphia, Jerry Hamilton: philadelphia@mkp.org (888) 843-6982 • Sept. 12, Wishington, D.C. Erik Hoopes: dc@mkp .org (877) 657-9444 • Sept. 19, Montreal john Clo_ss: montreal@mkp.org (514) 637-8370 Information: The ManKind Project, www.mkp.org, 1-800-870-4611.

Thursday July 10- Tuesday,]une15 Wishington, D.C.

The Gloria Steinem leadership Institute A five-day expense paid training for selected leaders working for reproductive freedom , ages 15-25. Hear from pro-choice leaders and activists . Nerwork with other committed

Friday, August 1- Sunday, August 3 Madison, Wisconsin

28th National Conference on Men and Masculinity Presented by the National Organization for Men against Sexism . "Gender, Violence, and Power: Making the Connections" Location: University of Wisconsin.

. Information and Registration: www.nomas.org or masculinityconference@hotmail.com

Tuesday, Sept 9- Tuesday, Oct 14 Amherst, Massachusetts

Men &Divorce This Men's Resource Center's workshop series helps men find their way through the divorce process and reach successful conclusion to the transition. Six Tuesday evenings . .

Cost: $90 location: Men's Resource Center 236 Nonh Pleasant Street, Amherst Information: Carl Erikson, 253-9887, exr. 13; cerikson@mensresourcecenterorg

Wednesdtry, September 17- Sunday, September 21 Highlands, North Carolina

Fall Conference A conference organized by The Mountain

Minneapolis, Minnesota

·

A gathering for professionals and others who share the concern of eliminating sexual victimization and advocating for the treatment of male victims and offenders. Workshops available for male survivors, their panners, and others who are interested.

Information: Peter Dimock, (612) 624-3227 pdirnock@ umn.edu or w\.vw.malesurvivor.org

Friday, October 31-May 23 Petersham, Massachusetts

The Mythic Warrior: Men's Search for Masculinity and the Sacred A 9-month training meeting one weekend a month , for m en who want to develop confidence and a new sense of self. Depth . psychology, ritual, initiatory activities, and group processes will be used to create positive masculinity that heals ourselves, and our families. locatio!!: Earthlands Retreat Center.

Information: Sparrow Han, (802) 387-6624 or Garry Alesio, (8 45) 371-8046 Write: Circles of Air and Stone, P.O. Box. 48, Pumey, VT 05346 Email: sparrow@ together.net

'

MRC

PROGRAMS

&

SERVICES

• Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.

• Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.

SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS • Open Men's Group Sundays 7- 9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office; Tuesdays 6:45 - 8:45 p.m. at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Nonhampton.

Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail Clower Main Street). A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.

• Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse and Neglect Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.

Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC. • Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning Mondays 7- 9 p.m. at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.

• GBQ Schmoozejest Events: Seasonal events with catered food, art and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Bratdeboro and beyond.

Aprill3,june 1, 3- 5:30p.m. at the Garden House, Look Park, Nonhampton, Mass.

FATHERING PROGRAMS • A variety f resources are available Fathers and Family Network monthly work-

shops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father ligures.

YOUTH PROGRAMS • Young Men of Color Leadership Project, Amherst • Young Men's Leadership Development/Violence Prevention , Holyoke & Northampton.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified barterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.

Fee subsidies available.

• Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol, Wire, Springfield, and Greenfield.

• Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton, Greenfield and Amherst.

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse

25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA 01060 TEL: 413-586-0515 • E-MAIL: CHANGINGMENlO@HOTMAIL.COM

• Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available.

• Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING • Men & Divorce: This NEW workshop series can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition.

Six Tuesday evenings September 9-0ctober 14, 7- 9 pm. $90. At MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst. For information, call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13.

• Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organiZations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics.

Spedjk trainings and consultations also available.

PUBLICATIONS • Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.

• Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES • Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men.

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VOICE OiCE MALE NEEDS YOU' uDs YOU! VOl ICE MALE NEEDS YOU. VYOU! VOICE MAL: :'v.LE NEEDS YO YOU EE r

Dear Reader,

WE NEED YOUR HELP.

It costs nearly $25,000 each year to publish our quarterly magazine, and those costs are rising.

VOICE MAU IS NO ORDINARV MAGAZINE. Beyond its Vital role as the public face of the pioneering Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, its blend of male positive, pro-feminist, gay afllrrnative, anti-racist articles and columns offers a blueprint for men and their allies to fmge a NEW, HEAlTHIER BRAND OF MASCULINITY.

READ THIS ISSUE and think about what's inside. Few publications explore how to help boys uncover the feelings inside their "seci-et hearts" or chronicle efforts white men are making to challenge racism. Regular columns on fathering, men's health, gay men, men of color and surVivo13 weave a tapestry of hope and inspiration. lear off the fonn at the bottom of this page and return With a tax-<leductible contribution made out to VOICE MAU/MRC or if you'd like to CONTRIBUTE ON-liNE Visit our website, WWw.MENSRESOURCECENTE R.ORc: and click on the "Donate to MRC" tab at the top of our home page.

PLEASE JOIN US!

Rob Oktm, Editor

voicemale@mens resourcecenter: org

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