Voice Male Summer 2010 Edition by Voice Male Magazine

FROM THE EDITOR

Men’s Second Act By Rob Okun

inary thinking—so 20th century— seems to be at the core of much of the contemporary national conversation about gender. The argument—bolstered by legitimate stats about, say, greater enrollment figures of females in colleges and women’s growing numbers climbing the corporate management ladder—boils down to this: the New Woman is riding high; the Marlboro Man has fallen off his horse. Into the mix comes “The End of MEN,” the cover story of the July-August Atlantic magazine, continuing inside with the Editor’s column headlined “She’s the Man” and a sidebar to the cover story blaring, “Are Fathers Necessary?” I certainly know about provocative headlines—I’ve been writing them for decades. But after all the sizzle stops spattering, who’s going to clean up the spilled ink in the gulf of words? Yes, the landscape of gender relationships has shifted—many women are empowered to cross the new terrain; many men are insecure treading on unfamiliar ground. I like to think of what’s happening as not bad news for men as much as good news for women, and great potential for everybody. That women now hold the majority of jobs in the country—the hook “The End of MEN” hung its hat on—speaks volumes about changing ideas notions of, family, and career. Even though many men are confused and more than a little uptight— when three quarters of the eight million jobs lost during the recent Great Recession were held by men it’s no surprise—there is a silver lining. Relieved of the yoke as primary breadwinner, pushed by new ideas about masculinity that eschew invulnerability and stoicism, maybe we can begin to reverse our sorry health stats—from heart disease and stress disorders, to underreported depression and spiking numbers of suicide. Rather than feeling if women are up, men must be down, how about seeing the potential for a new social compact that promotes collaboration and partnerships over competition and going it alone. The torch of women’s autonomy has been successfully passed to adult daughters of feminist foremothers. Fathers and other male mentors, a full generation or more behind in trying to decode what women’s 2

Voice Male

brave new world means for us, have only recently begun to teach our sons. What is happening isn’t so much “The End of MEN” as much as it’s “Men’s Second Act.” We may be obtuse and molasses-brained a lot of the time—I certainly have been both—and we may be slow to adapt to a changing world, but even the dimmest among us have the potential to grow and change. If the late Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia could renounce his days as a member of the Ku Klux Klan in the 1940s and describe his decision to oppose the 1964 Civil Rights Act as a colossal mistake, then any man can change. Here we are, decades after a growing cohort of men began redefining masculinity—from antiwar protesters who chose to come of age as men without being tested in the jungles of Vietnam, to stay-at home dads deriving satisfaction from raising their children—the revolution in men’s consciousness in still under the mainstream radar. For its’ entire publishing history, Voice Male has been reporting on the lives of men who, even though unsure (read scared), began to walk away from the privileges and entitlements that come with being a penised person. We report on the men you don’t hear much about—fathers who know the secret

that it’s not just that kids need dads but that dads need kids. (Take a look at the inspiring photos beginning on page 14 of National Football League player dads and their daughters with the NFL players speaking about their roles as fathers.) We write about the men who know that domestic violence and sexual violence are not “women’s issues” but community issues (see Alan G. Johnson’s article, “Telling the Truth about Domestic Violence” and excerpts from his searing novel, The First Thing and the Last, (page 10). We share the good news about men mentoring boys, discovering their inner lives and shedding tears of grief and of joy as they struggle to come to peace with being a son (check out Sy Safransky’s memoir about his father, “Legacy,” on page 22). The complex interconnectedness that is the web of our lives—perhaps most recently reflected back to us by the social, economic, and cultural tsunami that’s befallen so many residents of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida in the wake of the BP oil disaster— invites a more nuanced approach to gender dynamics than a headline like “The End of MEN” suggests. How ironic that a half century after most men were hanging tightly on to our privilege, deriding women’s struggle for equality, many feel the tables have turned and feel threatened by seismic sociocultural shifts. Those confused by what is happening need only turn to men who are adapting, who are incorporating such heretofore strictly female attributes—nurturance, collaboration, emotional and social intelligence—into who they are as sons and brothers, husbands and fathers, uncles and friends. Rather than heralding “The End of MEN,” how about a cover story investigating, say, “The Coming Gender Peace Accord” as men join women in creating a society where everyone is appreciated for changing a flat tire and a diaper; where all are equally celebrated for closing a deal and opening a heart.

Voice Male editor Rob Okun can be reached at rob@voicemalemagazine.org.

Summer 2010

Volume 14 No. 50

Changing Men in Changing Times www.voicemalemagazine.org

Features 8 My Cancer was Arbitrary; Atrocities in the Congo are Deliberate By Eve Ensler

10 Telling the Truth about Domestic Violence By Allan G. Johnson

19 Men’s Pain, Men’s Gain

by Yolo Akili

20 Exhibit Reimagines Fatherhood 24 The Reader’s Double Standard By Randy Flood

Columns & Opinion 2 4 5 13

F  E

14 17 22 27 32 34

F  D

L M @ W OL

Celebrating Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, & Transgender Pride By Barack Obama

M  H F  S

Portraits of the New Father Vitamin D: A Cure All for Men? By Dr. Sarfraz Zaidi Legacy by Sy Safransky

B  F R P

W h a t ’s D o n e By Molly Scott

ON THE COVER: Photo by Jennie Pollack from an exhibit on fathers and their children organized by the Michigan-based Real MEN’s Project (Men Embracing Non-violence; www.realmensproject.org ). More photos can be found on page 20.

Summer 2010

Mail Bonding Another Side of “Precious”

Rob A. Okun Editor

Lahri Bond

Art Director

Michael Burke Copy Editor

Gail Sailant Zazie Tobey Interns

National Advisory Board Juan Carlos Areán

Family Violence Prevention Fund

John Badalament The Modern Dad

Eve Ensler V-Day

Byron Hurt

God Bless the Child Productions

Robert Jensen

Prof. of Journalism Univ. of Texas

Sut Jhally

Media Education Foundation

Bill T. Jones

Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Co.

Jackson Katz

Mentors in Violence Prevention Strategies

Michael Kaufman

White Ribbon Campaign

Joe Kelly

The Dad Man

Michael Kimmel

Prof. of Sociology SUNY Stony Brook

Charles Knight

Other & Beyond Real Men

Don McPherson

Mentors in Violence Prevention

Mike Messner

Prof. of Sociology Univ. of So. California

Craig Norberg-Bohm

Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe

Chris Rabb

Afro-Netizen

Haji Shearer

Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund

Shira Tarrant

Prof. of Gender Studies, California State Long Beach 4

Voice Male

I can understand Imani Perry’s concern that the movie Precious might reinforce negative stereotypes about the black community for some viewers (Spring 2010). However, I think there’s another side to this groundbreaking film that needs to be acknowledged. Survivors of childhood abuse (particularly sexual abuse) are another group that has long been marginalized, stigmatized, ignored, and revictimized by society at large. Why? Books like Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman have studied and documented the reasons at length, but most boil down to denial. Sexual abuse is such a painful topic that most people tend to minimize it or pretend it doesn’t exist. Abusers have a vested interest in denying the reality of sexual abuse. Those who fail to stop abuse also tend to do their utmost to avoid facing responsibility. Witness the church’s often cold response to the ongoing clergy abuse scandal. How many films show an honest, unvarnished depiction of child sexual abuse, a horror that has been experienced by literally tens of millions of women and men in the U.S. and around the world? As Ms. Perry notes in her article, “We see in Precious’ story personal resilience, possibility, healing.” To me, this is the real story of Precious: the story of an incredibly brave woman whose abuse experience and healing journey are depicted in a remarkably honest, sensitive, real and inspiring way. Her example could be a revelation to countless survivors who feel completely isolated, unseen, and unable to find help, or even articulate the possibility or need for recovery from trauma. This film clearly speaks the revolutionary messages that survivors need to hear: your experience was real and important, and healing is possible! Watching this film, I don’t see a condemnation of the black community at large. Rather, I focus on the incredible courage of a gifted black filmmaker to give a voice, and a message of hope, to millions of abuse victims of every race, culture, and gender. Charlie Hertan Florence, Mass.

Speaking to the Heart of the Issues When I returned to my office recently from a conference in Atlanta I found a copy of Voice Male (Spring 2010) in my mail box. Part of what we were talking about at the conference was engaging men in our movement of violence

prevention so it was particularly timely. I found it interesting that there were only six or seven men present. I love the magazine. It was refreshing to read articles that talked about rape from a male perspective and to see other writing from men in our movement. I loved that you addressed the Dockers ads; I don’t think a lot of people thought that there was anything wrong with that ad which is frustrating to the violence prevention movement as we try to address gender norms and the societal constraints we place on each other. I am impressed by Voice Male and will be subscribing for our coalition. Thank you for putting out a fabulous magazine that talks about the heart of the issues of violence against women! Rachel Olive Prevention Coordinator Nebraska Sexual Domestic Assault Coalition, Lincoln, Neb.

Why Allies Speak Up I write in response to the letter to the editor sent by Marc S (Spring 2010) who is concerned that “you (Voice Male) are turning men into guilty sissies…” and that the men who “took a pledge (to stand against violence against women) should be embarrassed.” Marc, it sounds as though you feel publicly standing up against violence against women is somehow emasculating. You also go on to say, “Women want strong men who can protect them.” I feel uncomfortable when you state what women want. First, it is a generalization and stereotype. Second, you do not speak for me. My husband was one of those “sissies” at the University of Massachusetts basketball game who took the pledge. That action made me feel protected. Not by a show of physical strength or verbal threat. As an ally to all women, with his action he is holding himself and other men and boys accountable for behavior that for too long has been thought of as “a man’s prerogative…teaching her a lesson because she had it coming… and boys will be boys.” The pledge not only spoke to their own behavior, but also to not tolerating gender abuse of other males. I see it similar to my interrupting racist jokes because, as a white person, I am responsible not only for my own behavior but also encouraging other white people to consider the impact of their hurtful and oppressive behavior. It is one way I can challenge white privilege. What you call grandstanding, I call acting with maturity and responsibility. Cate Woolner Northfield, Mass. Letters may be sent via email to www.voicemalemagazine.org or mailed to Editors: Voice Male, 33 Gray Street, Amherst, MA 01002.

Men @ Work

Surprise: Postpartum Depression Can Hit New Fathers While it’s widely known some mothers suffer from postpartum depression, several studies suggest new fathers may become depressed after childbirth, too. About 10 percent of men whose partners are having babies suffer depression from three months before the baby is born through the baby’s first birthday, reported Joanne Silberner, in a story for National Public Radio. That’s twice the usual rate of depression in men, and it’s in the same range as postpartum depression in women. Statistics from an analysis of 43 earlier studies validated the fathers’ experiences, Silberner reported. The riskiest period for the father is when the baby is three to six months old, according to a study published in May in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Pregnancy-related depression comes as a surprise to most men it hits. Psychologist Will Courtenay of Berkeley, Calif., has made a career of helping men with depression and maintains the website SadDaddy.com. He says it’s not true that men don’t get depressed, and that’s a danger. “The cultural myth that men don’t get depressed also communicates to men that they shouldn’t get depressed—or at least, not express it. And so they don’t. They’re more likely than women to try to hide their depres-

sion or to talk themselves out of it,’ Courtenay says. “The traditional thinking was postpartum depression among women was related to hormonal changes,” says Gregory Simon, a psychiatrist with Group Health Research Institute, a nonprofit in Seattle. But both he and study author James Paulson of the Eastern Virginia Medical School say this theory is not a hard and fast rule, leaving researchers scrambling to explain what else might be at play. There are lots of things that can be affecting fathers just like they might affect mothers, says Paulson, including the financial stress of having a child. Paulson posits the spike in depression when the baby is three months old may in part be related to both parents, returning to work as parental leave ends. Paulson warns against ignoring the signs of depression in fathers. “There’s evidence growing that depression in fathers is negative for children and increases the risk of emotional and behavioral problems,” he says. Treatment options for fathers include talk therapy, group coun-

seling, and drug treatment—or just open and frank discussion within the family. And the new study may help by raising awareness about the issue, says Simon. If new mothers know their partners may be having problems, they can discuss with the men the need to seek help, and encourage health care professionals to recognize a father’s symptoms. To learn more go to: www. npr.org/templates/story/story. php?storyId= 126905558&sc= 17&f=1001.

Killing Us Softly In an update of her pioneering Killing Us Softly series, Jean Kilbourne takes a fresh look at how advertising traffics in distorted and destructive ideals of femininity. The film, updated for the first time in more than a decade, marshals a range of new print and television advertisements to lay bare a stunning pattern of damaging gender stereotypes—images and messages that too often reinforce unrealistic, and unhealthy, perceptions of beauty, perfection, and sexuality.

Internationally recognized for her groundbreaking work on the image of women in advertising and for her critical studies of alcohol and tobacco advertising, in the late 1960s Jean Kilbourne began exploring the connection between advertising and several public health issues, including violence against women, eating disorders, and addiction, and launched a movement to promote media literacy as a way to prevent these problems. A radical and original idea at the time, this approach is now mainstream and an integral part of most prevention programs. Her films, lectures, and television appearances have been seen by millions of people throughout the world. Killing Us Softly 4 introduces to a new generation of students the idea of taking advertising seriously, and thinking critically about [continued on page 6]

Dalai Lama: Educating for a Non-Violent World

Voice Male contributing editor and national advisory board member Jackson Katz, left, was on a panel in May with the Dalai Lama on “Educating for a Non-Violent World” at the University of Northern Iowa (UNI) in Cedar Falls. More than 5000 people jammed into the UNI basketball arena where Katz asked the Dalai Lama his thoughts on the need for male spiritual leaders worldwide to promote public leadership in the struggle to prevent men’s violence against women and children. UNI is launching a violence prevention education center and is working with Katz and Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) a program he cofounded. The UNI and MVP collaboration features the MVP program as a centerpiece in the UNI’s School of Education curriculum. Summer 2010

Men @ Work popular culture and its relationship to sexism, eating disorders, and gender violence, according to the film’s director, Sut Jhally, executive director of the Media Education Foundation, which also distributes the film. The film includes sections on constructed beauty, objectification, thinness, dieting, eating and morality, advertising and sex, consumerism and sexualizing products, masculinity, and violence. To learn more, go to www.mediaed.org.

Time to “Man Up!” Man Up is a global campaign to activate youth to stop violence against women and girls. Announced at the Clinton Global Initiative in September 2009 in collaboration with Vital Voices wordwide Partnership, Man Up works to activate youth to stop violence against women and girls. It is the brainchild of Jimmie Briggs, a New York–based journalist-activist, and longtime human rights educator Karen Robinson Cloete. “Our call to action challenges each of us to ‘man up’ and declare that violence against women and girls must end,” Briggs said. In order to break the cycle of trauma, misinformation, and unabated violence against women and girls, families, communities, and societies around the world, the Man Up Campaign was created to give young people a voice in developing models of change to powerfully address the issue, Robinson Cloete and Briggs said. Through the universal platforms of sport, music, technology, and the arts, the Man Up Campaign is partnering with young men and women around the world by providing innovative training,

Lining up to “Man-Up” - Alyse Nelson (Vital Voices), Jimmie Briggs (Man Up Campaign), Hibaaq Osman, Ricky Martin, Joanne Sandler (UNIFEM), Jennifer Buffett (NoVo Foundation), Peter Buffett (NoVo Foundation), and Eve Ensler (V-Day).

resources and support to youth informed initiatives. This partnership works to build a network of young advocates and defenders, linking their efforts to those of community-based and mainstream organizations, entertainment and sports communities, non-profits and corporations. This summer, Man Up brought together a prestigious team of delegates, along with artists, athletes and activists to launch a five-year campaign at an inaugural Young Leaders Summit in Johannesburg, South Africa, during the 2010 FIFA World Cup. In 2014 this same group of Man Up delegates will gather again at World Cup 2014 in Brazil to share their experiences, build community, and further develop methodologies to strengthen their efforts.

Says cofounder Briggs, “This initiative is the first of its kind in that it is both youth led and youth informed. Over the course of the next five years and beyond, Man Up will continue to expand both its resources and presence to build a worldwide community around our cause.” To learn more go to www. manupcampaign.org.

Women’s Voices Underrepresented in Most Media Are women’s voices more or less equally represented in media—have gender bylines and TV appearance gaps been fixed? No. There is still fundamental male dominance in the public discourse, according to AlterNet, the online news service. The news service has started a

campaign to change the situation but they say “it won’t be easy.” The OpEd project collects data on female bylines from the oped pages of the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, Los Angles Times, as well as from content of online sites such as Huffington Post, Slate, and Salon. Oftentimes, the numbers are chilling: • 95% male writers for week of April 12 for the Wall Street Journal • 95% male for week of March 15 for the New York Times • 81% male for week of April 2 6 for Huffington Post • 91% male for April 16 for Salon According to AlterNet, while those were among the worst weeks, it was an extremely rare

VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Alliance for Changing Men, an affiliate of Family Diversity Projects, 33 Gray St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and is distributed at select locations around the country and to conferences, universities, colleges and secondary schools, and among non-profit and non-governmental organizations. The opinions expressed in Voice Male are those of its writers and do not necessarily reflect the views of the advisors or staff of the magazine, or its sponsor, Family Diversity Projects. Copyright © 2010 Alliance for Changing Men/Voice Male magazine. Subscriptions: 4 issues-$24. 8 issues-$40. For bulk orders, go to voicemalemagazine.org or call Voice Male at 413.687-8171. Advertising: For advertising rates and deadlines, go to voicemalemagazine.org or call at Voice Male 413.687-8171. Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, reviews, story ideas and queries, and information about events of interest. Unsolicited manuscripts are welcomed but the editors cannot be responsible for their loss or return. Manuscripts and queries may be sent via email to www.voicemalemagazine.org or mailed to Editors: Voice Male, 33 Gray St., Amherst, MA 01002. 6

Voice Male

Men @ Work Childhood Obesity Linked to Domestic Violence Children whose mothers reported chronic abuse at the hands of an intimate partner were more likely to be obese at age five than those from violence-free families, researchers have found. After controlling for several potential confounders, including maternal obesity and Women and the media: closing the gender gap. depression, children whose mothers reported chronic week from March until June when violence had 1.8 times the odds of any of those media operations had being obese, according to Renée more than 30 percent women’s Boynton-Jarrett, M.D., Sc.D., and bylines, and often much less. colleagues at Boston University. In addition to institutional The association appeared to be sexism in mainstream media, magnified in girls and in families there are other reasons for the living in unsafe neighborhoods, gender byline gap. According to the researchers reported in the American Prospect editor Ann June issue of Archives of PediFriedman, “Men are socialized to atrics and Adolescent Medicine. be more aggressive and confident, “If substantiated, these findings which translates to pitching more may have implications for obesity articles and getting published prevention and …reducing obesity more often. Men are more likely to risk…by incorporating stratebe well connected. Men are more gies to address family violence. likely to tout their experience.” Interventions aimed at improving AlterNet reports it featured one neighborhood safety may have third female bylines for more a benefit on reducing childhood than four years—an editorial obesity risk, even among those requirement they’re not aware exposed to family violence.” any other major media outlet While family environment has. AlterNet associate publisher plays a role in childhood obesity, Roxanne Cooper says, “that is the impact of adverse psychosocial still inadequate. We just surveyed exposures is not well understood, our own content over the past according to Boynton-Jarrett and month and the number of female her colleagues. bylines is only 35. percent. So we are not as cool as we thought.” The AlterNet OpEd project campaign is to raise money for an editor whose primary job will be to assign more content to women, raise more money to pay for more women writers, and develop a wider system to distribute great female writers to social networking sites and other media. The Harnisch Foundation offered a $15,000 matching grant for the project, meaning the first $15,000 donated by individuals will be matched by the foundation. To learn more, go to alternet.org.

To examine the relationship between exposure to domestic violence and obesity in children, Boynton-Jarrett and her colleagues turned to the Fragile Families and Child Well-Being Study, a prospective cohort study conducted in 20 large U.S. cities. The analysis included 1,595 children born between 1998 and 2000 and Harry Knox, director, Religion and Faith Program of the their mothers. Intimate Human Rights Campaign partner violence and perception of neighborhood safety were reported by Freedom to Learn the mothers. Overall, 16.5 percent For Straights Only? of the children were obese at age In the waning days of the five. elementary school year, a Boston About half, 49.4 percent, of the third-grader’s admission to a mothers reported physical, sexual, or restrictive intimate partner Catholic school was rescinded violence at some point, including solely because his parents are 16.8 percent who reported chronic lesbians. The action is no isolated abuse. The likelihood of being incident. Just a few months obese at age five was greater for earlier, a Catholic elementary children whose mothers reported school in Colorado expelled two preschoolers for the same reason. chronic abuse. “These are just some of the Limitations of the study included the reduced sample of cases we know about,” says participants for whom longitudinal Harry Knox, director, Religion data on body mass index were and Faith Program of the Human available, the use of self-reported Rights Campaign. “Has the abuse, and the lack of information Church hierarchy apologized?” on several important predictors Knox asked. “No. Have they of obesity, including nutritional come out and said it was wrong content of diet, dietary patterns, to target the children of LGBT degree of breastfeeding, and phys- families? No. Have they said that they won’t discriminate against ical activity. —Todd Neale, MedPage Today LGBT families in the future? Not one bit.” Acknowledging that the U.S. Constitution protects the right of religious institutions to make decisions that may be inconsistent with state nondiscrimination laws, Knox said, “that doesn’t make it right.” Knox is urging those opposed to the decisions to send a letter to Cardinal Francis George, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, urging him to not make this a nationwide trend and to end these hurtful practices targeting LGBT parents and their kids. For more information go to www.hrc.org.

A link has been found between domestic abuse and childhood obesity. Summer 2010

My Cancer was Arbitrary; Atrocities in the Congo are Deliberate By Eve Ensler

ome people may think that being diagnosed with uterine cancer, followed by an extensive surgery that led to a month of debilitating infections, rounded off by months of chemotherapy, might get a girl down. But, in truth, this has not been my poison. This has not been what pulses through me late at night and keeps me pacing and awake. This has not been what throws me into moments of unbearable darkness and depression. Cancer is scary, of course, and painful. It tends to interrupt oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s entire life, throw everything into question and push one up against that ultimate dimension and possibility of dying. One can rail at the gods and goddesses: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Why? Why now? Why me?â&#x20AC;? But, in the end, we know those questions ring absurd and empty. Cancer is an epidemic. It has been here forever. It isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t personal. Its choice of the vulnerable host is often arbitrary. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life. 8

Voice Male

gotâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the hole between their vagina and anus or vagina and bladder that no longer allowed them to hold their urine or feces. I heard about nine-month-old babies, eightyear-old girls, 80-year-old women who had been humiliated and publicly raped. In response, taking the lead from women on the ground, we created a massive campaignâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;Stop Raping Our Greatest Three years ago, the Democratic Resource: Power to Women and Girls of Republic of Congo seized my being. V-Day, DRCâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;which has broken taboos, organized a movement to stop violence against women speak-outs and marches, educated and trained DQG JLUOV ZDV LQYLWHG WR VHH ÂżUVWKDQG WKH activists and religious leaders, and spurred experience of women survivors of sexual performances of The Vagina Monologues violence there. After three weeks at Panzi across the country, culminating this month hospital in Bukavu, where there were more with a performance in the Congolese than 200 women patients, many of whom parliament. V-Day activists have spread the shared their stories of being gang-raped campaign across the planet, raising money and tortured with me, I was shattered. They and consciousness. In several months, with told me about the resulting loss of their the women of Congo, we will be opening UHSURGXFWLYH RUJDQV DQG WKH ÂżVWXODH WKH\ the City of Joy, a community for survivors where women will be healed in order to For months, doctors and nurses have cut me, stitched me, jabbed me, drained me, catVFDQQHG PH ; UD\HG PH ,9 HG PH Ă&#x20AC;XVKHG me and hydrated me, trying to identify the source of my anxiety and alleviate my pain. While they have been able to remove the cancer from my body, treat an abscess here, a fever there, they have not been able to even come close to the core of my malady.

turn their pain to power. We member was executed. A 10have also sat and pleaded our year-old boy and 12-year-old girl case at Downing Street, the were gunned down in their car :KLWH +RXVH DQG WKH RIÂżFH RI on their way home. Murdering the UN secretary general. We and raping of the women in have shouted (loudly) at the the villages continues. The war Canadian parliament, the U.S. rages on. Who is demanding Senate, and the UN Security the protection of the people of Council. Tears were shed; Congo? Who is protecting the promises were made with activists who are speaking truth great enthusiasm. to power? At a memorial service As I have lain in my last week in Bukavu, a pastor hospital bed or attempted to cried out: â&#x20AC;&#x153;They are killing our rest at home over these months, mammas. Now they are killing it is the phone calls and the our children. What have we reports that come in daily from done to deserve this? Where is the DRC that make me ill. The the world?â&#x20AC;? stories of continued rapes, Floribert Chebeya Bahizire, one of the Congoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s great human rights The atrocities committed machete killings, grotesque activists, was brutally murdered in June. against the people of Congo are mutilations, outright murdering not arbitrary, like my cancer. of human rights activists, these images and events create nausea They are systematic, strategic, and intentional. At the root is a madly and weakness much worse than chemo or antibiotics or pain meds greedy world economy, desperate for more minerals robbed from ever could. But even harder to deal with, in the weakened state that the indigenous Congolese. I have been in, is knowing that Sourcing this insatiable GHVSLWH WKH RQJRLQJ KRUULÂżF hunger are multinational â&#x20AC;&#x153;The atrocities committed against the atrocities that have taken the FRUSRUDWLRQV ZKR EHQHÂżW lives of more than 6 million people of Congo are not arbitrary, like my from these minerals and are people and left more than cancer. They are systematic, strategic, willing to turn their backs 500,000 women and girls raped on the players committing intentional, rooted in a madly greedy and tortured, the international femicide and genocide, as power elite appear to be doing world economy, desperate for more ORQJ DV WKHLU ÂżQDQFLDO QHHGV nothing. They have essentially minerals robbed from the indigenous are met. written off the DRC and its I am lucky. I have been Congolese.â&#x20AC;? people, even after continued blessed with a positive visits and promises. The day is late. It is almost 13 years into this war. The Obama prognosis that has made me hyperaware of what keeps a person administration, as in most situations these days, refuses to take a real alive. How does one survive cancer? Of course good doctors, stand. Several months ago I visited the White House to meet a high good insurance, good luck. But the real healing comes from not RIÂżFLDO WR HQJDJH WKH ÂżUVW ODG\ LQ RXU HIIRUWV WR HQG VH[XDO YLROHQFH being forgotten. From attention, from care, from love, from being in Congo, believing that her solidarity would galvanize attention and surrounded by a community of those who demand information on action. I was told, essentially, that femicide was not her â&#x20AC;&#x153;brand.â&#x20AC;? your behalf, who advocate and stand up for you when you are in a weakened state, who sleep by your side, who refuse to let you give Mrs. Obama, I was told, was focusing on childhood obesity. It surprised me that a woman with her capabilities lacked up, who bring you meals, who see you not as a patient or victim but ambidextrous skills (or was it simply interest and will that was as a precious human being, who create metaphors where you can absent?). Then we have Secretary Clinton, who at least, after much imagine your survival. This is my medicine, and nothing less will pressure, visited the DRC almost a year ago, and made promises VXIÂżFH IRU WKH SHRSOH IRU WKH ZRPHQ IRU WKH FKLOGUHQ RI &RQJR that actually meant a huge deal to the people. They were excited that WKH 8 6 JRYHUQPHQW PLJKW ÂżQDOO\ SULRULWL]H EXLOGLQJ WKH SROLWLFDO will in the Great Lakes region of Africa to end the war there. But, of Award-winning playwright Eve Ensler course, they are still waiting. And then there is the UN. The anemic (The Vagina Monologues) is the founder and glacial pace and the death-like bureaucracy continue to allow of V-Day, an international organization and, in the case of MONUC and the Security Council, even help committed to ending violence against facilitate a deathly regional war. women and girls (www.vday.org). A At the beginning of June, in Kinshasa, one of Congoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s great version of this article appeared in The human rights activists, Floribert Chebeya Bahizire, was brutally Guardian newspaper in June. murdered. In the same week, at Panzi hospital the family of a staff Summer 2010

Telling the Truth about Domestic Violence By Allan G. Johnson

Allan Johnson’s searing novel The First Thing and the Last is the story of Katherine Stuart, who barely escapes being beaten to death by her abusive husband, David, in the kitchen of their suburban Boston home. In the aftermath of utter loss and devastation—her husband and son both dead — she is sought out by Lucy 10

Voice Male

Dudley, an elderly woman living on a family farm in northern Vermont, who reads about Katherine in the news and is drawn to her by a closely guarded history of her own. Unable to bear the accusing eyes of her family, Katherine accepts Lucy’s invitation to come to the farm, setting in motion a deepening relationship between the

two women that frames a universal struggle to heal and reclaim what severe trauma takes from people’s lives. The story Johnson shares here—of his decade-long odyssey to find a publisher brave enough to publish his book—offers a window into the resistance society still has to acknowledging the bitter reality of domestic violence.

he First Thing and the Last seems a strange objection in a society is charming and affectionate and well is a novel devoted to telling whose mass media—including book liked by the neighbors and your family, the truth about what domestic publishing—are saturated with violent which gets him inside to begin with, not violence really is. Nine years images and stories. And there actually needing to hide in the closet, but sitting ago an agent showed the novel to a isn’t that much description of violence across the dinner table, lying beside you handful of publishers before giving up. in the novel—a word count of sentences in the bed, brushing his teeth while you “They’re having a problem with the that describe violence comes to just take a shower, so that when you lock up violence,” he told me. So I went looking over four pages out of more than 400. for the night, you do not lock the danger for a new agent and after almost two The other 99 percent is about the rest of out, you lock yourself inside with it. To years signed with a well-established the story—about abandonment and loss, acknowledge the reality of domestic agency with a long record of success. My about grief, about trying to make sense violence is to put in doubt some of our new agent told me this was the best novel of the truth of what really happens to deepest assumptions about the ability to that had ever come to her and publishers people. It is about how to live and know be safe in the world and to really know were going to fall over one another to love and pleasure and beauty in a world and trust another human being, about the power of love and the sanctity of get hold of it. I expressed some home and family. If it is possible for doubts, knowing from many years women to be in such danger even of working on the issue of men’s There isn’t that much with the men they love and who violence against women how much denial there is around this subject. violence in the novel—four profess to love them, then where is safety to be found? “Not in this town,” she said. pages out of more than 400. I suspect that if I had told KatherShe was wrong about that. Over ine’s story in such a way that white a period of six years, the novel The rest is about how to middleclass editors could avoid was turned down almost 60 times seeing someone like themselves in by commercial publishers. Three live and know love and the characters—far away in time, senior editors wanted to publish pleasure and beauty in a for example, say the nineteenth it but were overruled, one by a century, or in some distant place publisher who said he didn’t know world full of horror and like Pakistan, or made Katherine why a woman would stay with unnecessary suffering. and David working or lower class a man who beat her up. Another or other than white, the response wrote my agent that although would have been very different. everyone on the editorial board But I didn’t do that. The novel admired the quality of the writing and everyone agreed that this is a novel full of horror and unnecessary suffering. and its story came within a hair’s breadth that deserves to be published, they were It is about the struggle to heal and to of never seeing the light of day because I turning it down because, he explained, reclaim and to redeem; about the power tried to do what I believe serious writers some parts of the story were difficult of courage and faith and love, and the are supposed to do. I tried to tell the and there were times when he had to remarkable things that happen between truth, and the terrible truth that Kathstop and think about less painful things these two women reaching out to each erine acquires is that no one is immune from what is an ongoing epidemic in for a while, that this is a negative subject other across generations. It took me a while to realize that this country. It is all too easy to imagine presented in a way that is not sugarcoated and not softened by cutting away violence is not the problem commer- that terrible things happen only to people at the critical moments and would be cial publishers have with this novel. Or who are stupid or bad or asked for it or difficult to sell. He closed by saying, “I that the subject matter is ‘difficult’ or somehow deserve whatever they get. genuinely hope you will find someone “painful”—human beings have been But Katherine Stuart is an intelligent, telling and listening to difficult and educated woman, an accomplished brave enough to take this on.” Almost two years ago, my agent gave painful stories forever. What puts them poet, a teacher, a woman who grew up up and I went out on my own in search off, I believe, is that the difficulty and the knowing her own mind and setting her of an independent press. I identified a pain in this story disturb something that own course. But when you find yourself trapped in a nightmare—whether as a dozen who publish literary fiction, of is too close to home, “too real.” Domestic violence is not just any soldier caught up in the horror of war which only three were willing to read the novel and two turned it down. The violence, because it takes place in a or as a hostage held by terrorists or as last door there was to knock on—the context of intimacy and trust. It’s one a woman beaten and raped in her own fiercely independent Plain View Press— thing for an attacker to break into your home—all that you are or were can home, your refuge—the psychopathic suddenly not be enough. opened. David does monstrous things to KathThe violence, said publishers again terrorist, the creepy neighbor, the serial and again, was the problem. The killer, the sadistic rapist—the plot line erine that are no different in kind from violence in the novel is undeniably of many a best-selling thriller. But it’s what is done in millions of homes in graphic—which is to say, real—but that a whole other thing when the attacker this country. How are we to understand Summer 2010

this? In a society in which everything is individualized and psychologized, it is tempting to think that all the Davids are little more than monsters, but that is too easy. Violence is a instrument of control, and David’s violence is nothing more than an extreme manifestation of the masculine obsession with control by which every man’s manhood is measured and judged in this patriarchal society. David manifests that obsession with violence, but what he shares with every man—growing up and living in a society that puts masculine control at the core of what qualifies men to claim their place as “real men” and the access to male privilege that goes with it— connects all men to the violence that only some men do. For many years I have been trying to understand men’s violence – violence against women and violence against other men—first as a sociologist and now as a novelist following my heart into the truth of so many people’s lives. When I reflect on the massive resistance and denial that rose up to meet this novel, I have to ask, can we afford to be so completely ruled by fear of such a story? And if we do not allow ourselves to feel horror and grief at what is truly horrible and grievous, if we do not allow our hearts to be broken, then what else do we give up in ourselves and in one another? Allan G. Johnson is a novelist, sociologist, and trainer and author of several books including The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy. This article is a condensed version of a presentation given by the author at a conference on domestic violence organized by the National Coalition Against Domestic Vi o l e n c e and the National Organization of Men Against Sexism in Anaheim, California, August 2, 2010. 12

Voice Male

Excerpts from The First Thing and the Last For an instant, Katherine forgets what is happening and feels as if she is flying. Like an object hurled into the air and weightless at the apogee of flight, she is aloft, unbound in the vast and timeless space between one heartbeat and another, before the gravity of being draws her back to who and where she is and what is what. . . . (p. 11) Her sole refuge became a numb and frozen place inside herself where time and feeling stopped, suspended above her body while he beat or raped her, focused only on the simple goal of staying alive from one moment to the next, deflecting the blow, stanching the flow of blood, presenting the smallest possible target, saying nothing that might fuel what raged all about her, wondering if Ethan could hear and praying he would stay in his room just one more time. . . . (p. 43) . . . already he is on her, spreading his legs to steady himself as he punches downward to her head and shoulders. “You’ll leave me dead,” he says, breathing hard, “that’s how you’ll leave me.” And then she feels him fall into a steady, familiar rhythm, like a longdistance swimmer whose secret is in the pacing, relentless but in no particular hurry. She knows this may go on for hours unless he tires of it sooner. Or unless he kills her this time. He uses his arms until they weaken and then switches to his feet and kicks her wherever he can without losing his balance, one hand resting on the wall above her. She crouches against the wall so that he can only kick her legs, but he reaches down and pulls her out over the floor and kicks her in the back and side. He is breathing hard through his mouth

and spit falls onto the floor and onto her. After awhile he seems in a ritual trance, a litany of words falling from his mouth in accompaniment to each blow – bitch, cunt, whore, stupid fuck, who do you think you are – over and over, weaving a thick fabric of rage and hate that covers them both, driving out the air and the light. Tomorrow he may be horrified at what he’s done and beg her to forgive him one more time. But she knows tomorrow is a long way off. . . . (pp. 50–51) Katherine focuses on the sound of Lucy’s voice, barely noticing the words, just the steady rise and fall of one image and another, the turning of a page, the clearing of Lucy’s throat, in soft counterpoint to the thrush’s song that is at once both thick and light, quicksilver in the air. Katherine sinks down, closing her eyes and for just a moment feels safe in the arms of the old woman sitting by the door. She drifts into half-sleep and then opens her eyes to the sound of Lucy’s voice and bubbles breaking in the cool air above the tub. “Lucy,” she says, in a sleepy voice. “Yes, dear.” “Would you open the door a little?” “Of course. How are you doing in there?” “Fine.” There is a long silence and then, “Lucy,” her eyes beginning to fill. “What?” “How did you get to be the way you are?” “One bath at a time, honey. One bath at a time.” (pp. 218–219) —Allan G. Johnson

OutLines

Celebrating Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride By Barack Obama Forty one years ago, patrons and supporters of the Stonewall Inn in New York City resisted police harassment that had become all too common for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. Out of this resistance, the LGBT rights movement in America was born. Last June, on the 40th anniversary, President Obama commemorated LGBT Pride Month, by committing to achieving equal justice under the law for LGBT Americans.

s Americans, it is our birthright that all people are created equal and deserve the same rights, privileges, and opportunities. Since our earliest days of independence, our Nation has striven WR IXOÂżOO WKDW SURPLVH $Q LPSRUWDQW FKDSWHU LQ RXU JUHDW XQÂżQLVKHG story is the movement for fairness and equality on behalf of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. In June, as we recognize the immeasurable contributions of LGBT Americans, we renew our commitment to the struggle for equal rights for LGBT Americans and to ending prejudice and injustice wherever it exists. LGBT Americans have enriched and strengthened the fabric of our QDWLRQDO OLIH )URP EXVLQHVV OHDGHUV DQG SURIHVVRUV WR DWKOHWHV DQG ÂżUVW responders, LGBT individuals have achieved success and prominence in every discipline. They are our mothers and fathers, our sons and daughters, and our friends and neighbors. Across my Administration, openly LGBT employees are serving at every level. Thanks to those who came before us, the brave men and women who marched, stood up to injustice, and brought change through acts of compassion or GHÂżDQFH ZH KDYH PDGH HQRUPRXV SURJUHVV DQG FRQWLQXH WR VWULYH IRU a more perfect union. My Administration has advanced our journey by signing into law the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which strengthens Federal protections against crimes based on gender identity or sexual orientation. We renewed the Ryan White CARE Act, which provides life saving medical services and support to Americans OLYLQJ ZLWK +,9 $,'6 DQG ÂżQDOO\ HOLPLQDWHG WKH +,9 HQWU\ EDQ , also signed a Presidential Memorandum directing hospitals receiving Medicare and Medicaid funds to give LGBT patients the compassion and security they deserve in their time of need, including the ability to choose someone other than an immediate family member to visit them and make medical decisions. In other areas, the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) announced a series of proposals to ensure core housing programs are open to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. +8' DOVR DQQRXQFHG WKH ÂżUVW HYHU QDWLRQDO VWXG\ RI GLVFULPLQDWLRQ against members of the LGBT community in the rental and sale of housing. Additionally, the Department of Health and Human Services has created a National Resource Center for LGBT Elders.

0XFK ZRUN UHPDLQV WR IXOÂżOO RXU 1DWLRQÂśV SURPLVH RI HTXDO MXVWLFH under law for LGBT Americans. That is why we must give committed gay couples the same rights and responsibilities afforded to any married couple, and repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. We must protect the rights of LGBT families by securing their adoption rights, ending employment discrimination against LGBT Americans, and ensuring )HGHUDO HPSOR\HHV UHFHLYH HTXDO EHQHÂżWV :H PXVW FUHDWH VDIHU schools so all our children may learn in a supportive environment. I am also committed to ending â&#x20AC;&#x153;Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Ask, Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Tellâ&#x20AC;? so patriotic LGBT Americans can serve openly in our military, and I am working with the Congress and our military leadership to accomplish that goal. As we honor the LGBT Americans who have given so much to our Nation, let us remember that if one of us is unable to realize full equality, we all fall short of our founding principles. Our Nation draws its strength from our diversity, with each of us contributing to the JUHDWHU ZKROH %\ DIÂżUPLQJ WKHVH ULJKWV DQG YDOXHV HDFK $PHULFDQ EHQHÂżWV IURP WKH IXUWKHU DGYDQFHPHQW RI OLEHUW\ DQG MXVWLFH IRU DOO

OW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA ,

President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2010 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon all Americans to observe WKLV PRQWK E\ ÂżJKWLQJ SUHMXGLFH DQG discrimination in their own lives and everywhere it exists. IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-eighth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand ten, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fourth.

Summer 2010

Fathers and Daughters

Portraits of the New Father

atherhood is in transition. The signs are everywhere, if you know where to look. From birth classes for expectant fathers to stay-at-home dads raising their children— and recently, in new photo exhibits and books. As more dads enter a new world of fathering where accountability, nurturing, and consciousness are valued attributes, society’s understanding—and expectations—of fatherhood is changing, too. Part of the new father’s awareness is acknowledging how challenging violence against women is an essential component of being a responsible parent. Take NFL Dads Dedicated to Daughters, a new book celebrating the bond between pro football fathers and their daughters that grew out of a project initiated by the New York–based antiviolence organization A Call to Men (www.acalltomen.org). It’s a rich,

heartwarming mosaic of present and former members of the National Football League, all portrayed as loving dads—none are shown, say, trying to sack Tom Brady.

The portraits of the 60 players and their daughters suggest a different vision of manhood from what we normally think of when we see professional football players. They evoke not tough, stoic, silent dudes so much as tender, loving, gentle men. Torry Holt, a wide receiver now with the New England Patriots, says, “My daughters have brought out a softer, more sensitive side of me.” If a pro football player can say that, what about other fathers? Can more dads proudly step into our identities as nurturers rather than disciplinarians? Washington Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb, photographed with his two young daughters, says: “We cannot… support a man who needs to dominate a woman in order to boost his own confidence and feel like a man. There are legal consequences for violent actions, but there should be social ramifications…as well.” On Father’s Day two years ago, Barack Obama reminded fathers that a man’s responsibility to his children does not end at conception. “What makes you a man is not the ability to have a child—it’s the courage to raise one,” he said. He also advised fathers to pass along to their children the value of practicing compassion. “Not sympathy, but empathy. . . the ability to stand in somebody else’s shoes; to look at the world through their eyes. There’s a culture in our society that says remembering these obligations is somehow soft—that we can’t show weakness, and so therefore we can’t show kindness. . . We need to show our kids that you’re not strong by putting other people down— you’re strong by lifting them up. That’s our responsibility as fathers. . .” —Rob Okun Rob Okun is editor of Voice Male. A version of this article appeared in Ms. magazine online.

Brendon Ayanbadejo (Baltimore Ravens) 14

Voice Male

Jim Mora Jr. (former head coach, Seattle Seahawks)

Joey Porter (Arizona Cardinals)

â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am very protective of my daughters. I want my family to live happy, healthy lives in a world where there are good men who treat women right.â&#x20AC;?

Scott Fujita (Cleveland Browns)

Donovan McNabb

(left) David Diehl (New York Giants) (right) Donovan McNabb (Washington Redskins) Summer 2010

Tony Gonzalez (Atlanta Falcons) La’Roi Glover (former NFL player)

“Educating young men early could help curb violence against women. Setting the proper foundation at home is the key.” Torry Holt

Torry Holt (New England Patriots)

Casey Rabach (Washington Redskins) 16

Voice Male

Jeff Saturday (Indianapolis Colts)

Men and Health

Vitamin D: A Cureall for Men? By Dr. Sarfraz Zaidi, M.D.

ost men, regardless of age, are unaware that WKH\ PD\ EH 9LWDPLQ ' GHÂżFLHQW SXWWLQJ WKHP at high risk for a number of serious diseases. The top three most common diseases among men are heart disease, prostate cancer, and colon cancer. Some men may also experience chronic fatigue, a general lack of wellbeing and lack of stamina. Many others suffer from diabetes, high blood pressure and metabolic syndrome. These diseases are a threat to men of all ages around the world. However, recent GLVFRYHULHV RI WKH KHDOWK EHQHÂżWV RI 9LWDPLQ ' VKRZ WKDW such diseases could be prevented. Vitamin D is essential to menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s overall health and wellness. Most men are low in Vitamin D, but do not know it. To remedy the situation there is a simple solution. Consider these points:

To maximize the efficiency of Vitamin D, you should follow this prescription: â&#x20AC;˘ Get your Vitamin D level checked. Everyone has a different level of Vitamin D based on various factors. A simple blood test will determine if you are Vitamin D deficient. The proper blood test is 25 (OH) Vitamin D. â&#x20AC;˘ Take advantage of all of the sources of Vitamin D, including sensible sun exposure, proper nutrition and, most important, proper dose of Vitamin D supplements. â&#x20AC;˘ Check your Vitamin D level with your doctor on a regular basis. The optimal daily dose of Vitamin D for most people ranges from 2000 I.U. to 10,000 I.U., compared to the usual dose of 400 I.U. in multivitamins and calcium supplements.

â&#x20AC;˘ Not technically a vitamin, Vitamin D is actually a hormone that affects almost every organ system in the body. â&#x20AC;˘ Vitamin D deficiency is a disease. Deficiency of Vitamin D can affect every organ in the body and result in various lifethreatening diseases. â&#x20AC;˘ Research shows that Vitamin D can significantly improve chronic fatigue, stamina, sense of well-being, muscle strength, the immune system, and the cardiovascular system. â&#x20AC;˘ Most people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how to tap into the incredible health benefits of Vitamin D without risking toxicity.

Sarfraz Zaidi, M.D., is an Assistant Clinical Professor of Medicine at UCLA and Director of the Jamila Diabetes and Endocrine Medical Center in Southern California. He is the author of The Power of Vitamin D. To learn more, go to http://www.DoctorZaidi. com. Summer 2010

I celebrate you for standing with women in the struggle to end violence against women and girls. Your brave magazine is bringing forward the new vision and voices of manhood which will inevitably shift this paradigm and create a world where we are all safe and free. Bless you for it. —Eve Ensler,

Voice Male gives us fuel and fresh ideas for the work of ending male-dominated societies and supporting new roles for men and new relations between the sexes. —Michael Kaufman, co-founder, White Ribbon Campaign

award-winning playwright (The Vagina Monologues)

W’      That’s the question Voice Male tries to answer each issue as it chronicles manhood in transition. The changes men have undergone the past 30 years, our efforts following women in challenging men’s violence, and our ongoing exploration of our interior lives, are central to our vision. The magazine’s roots are deep in the male positive, profeminist, anti-violence men’s movement. We draw inspiration from the world-changing acts of social transformation women have long advanced and the growing legion of men agitating and advocating for a new expression of masculinity. At this key moment in the national conversation about men, Voice Male has much to contribute. Join us!

4 issues-$24

8 issues-$40

To subscribe—or to make a tax-deductible gift—please use the enclosed envelope or go to:

voicemalemagazine.org 18

Voice Male

—

Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Pain,

Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Gain by Yolo Akili

Scream quietly now or the neighbors will hear youâ&#x20AC;Ś. :UDS \RXU EOHHGLQJ ÂżQJHUV Over your tear struck eyes Huddle your knees to your chest $QG PXIĂ&#x20AC;H \RXU FULHV Watch the shadows on the wall Hear the curses in the ether Tell the social worker You canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t recall Or remember Either Play make up with your mommy To cover the bruises +HOS KHU Âż[ GLQQHU And the table; Offer him No Excuses To invoke his rage Or ignite his temper :KHQ KH UDLVHV KLV ÂżVW Press your lips Do not whimper In a moment mommy says this all will be through So scream quietly nowâ&#x20AC;ŚOr the neighbors will hear youâ&#x20AC;Ś

s a little boy I watched daily as the men in my life terrorized women through acts of control, aggression, and violence. These same men also worked hard to beat out of me any expression they deemed â&#x20AC;&#x153;feminineâ&#x20AC;? and â&#x20AC;&#x153;weak.â&#x20AC;? Because of this I grew up with an awareness early on that something was wrong with the men in my world. It was an understanding so simple and yet so precise: These men were in pain. A lot of pain. What was this pain? Had you asked me then I would not have known.

Later in my life, I came to see that this pain connected to how we as men are socialized. It is a pain created by selfdestructive beliefs about manhood that many of us accept without question. I learned how we are taught to disconnect from our emotions, and that the only acceptable feeling to express is anger. I learned how men are taught that our sense of self-worth is tied to external material and not internal immanent value. I saw that the culture gives us a code of what â&#x20AC;&#x153;real manhoodâ&#x20AC;? is and that it is this unquestioned code, with all of its repression and ethics of aggression, that is causing a great deal of our pain. I wonder what would happen if black men Starting speaking to each other? I wonder what would happen if the time we spent Oppressing women Or perpetuating rigid gender roles Was spent staring eye to eye? See I believe even the most masculinist brotha Would break in And cryâ&#x20AC;Ś As I grew older and came out as a gay man, my relationship to violence against women WRRN RQ D YHU\ GLIIHUHQW SHUVSHFWLYH 0\ ÂżUVW community of gay men, for instance was one heavily involved in feminist activism. We saw ourselves as feminist/womanist/pro-feminist revolutionaries. Yet and still, we did not see or look into how society still privileged us because of our maleness. Because of the way our gay identity â&#x20AC;&#x153;warpedâ&#x20AC;? our perceived masculinity, we were very rarely, if ever, called out on the abusive behaviors we LQĂ&#x20AC;LFWHG XSRQ ZRPHQ 2XU ÂłGLYD ZRUVKLSÂ´ and idolization of normative feminine performance, which is directly connected to the degradation of women by devaluing

women as objects of visual pleasure, went unnoticed. Our domination and silencing of lesbian and queer women at conferences, in the media, in classrooms and in community was not spoken of. We marched through feminist spaces, enjoying the notoriety we got for being men who say the exact same things women have been silenced about for eons. We rationalized our interruptions of ZRPHQ DQG VWLĂ&#x20AC;HG WKHLU FRQFHUQV DERXW sexism by crying homophobia. Even though our locations were different, at the end of the day, it became very apparent to me that gay men and straight menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sexism stems from the same root, even if the tree looks different. Women are best In high heel shoes Prada Gucci Vuitton Will do. Plastic toys To dress and style Swing your hips like this Make the straight boys smile What are you wearing? Oh sistah No! Come, my accessory To the mall We goâ&#x20AC;Ś Creating safety for women means much more than stopping physical violence. Physical violence is only the manifestation of a breadth of ideologies about womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worth, â&#x20AC;&#x153;placeâ&#x20AC;? and being. These ideologies contribute to creating climates where rape, misogyny and physical violence can occur. Thus as men regardless of sexual orientation we are all implicated, and we all have work to do. A part of this work is holding the mirror up to each other and looking at ourselves. It is what I like to call â&#x20AC;&#x153;healing work.â&#x20AC;? Healing work is ending and addressing violence and domination with the goal of creating a world where every being can express themselves without danger. It means we look within, and move outward, understanding these realities are intricately a part of each other. This â&#x20AC;&#x153;healing workâ&#x20AC;? is the work we must do now in order to end violence against women, girls, boys, all human beings and ourselves. It is the work that always, no matter who or where we are, begins with us. Yolo Akili is a poet, Iyengar yoga teacher, and instructor/trainer at Men Stopping Violence in Atlanta, Georgia. He is a part of the co-founders of Sweet Tea: Southern Queer Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Collective, an organization dedicated to addressing issues of sexism in queer male communities, and the author of the poetry chapbook Poems in the Key of Green. He can be reached via his website, yolothepoet.com. Summer 2010

Exhibit Reimagines Fatherhood

Photo by Sabreena Konsdorf

t Allegiance Health’s hospital in Jackson, Michigan–where most babies in the county are born–an exhibit of moving images of fathers and children organized by the Real MEN’s Project (Men Embracing Non-violence, www.realmensproject.org) opened the week leading up to Father’s Day. A similar exhibit in support of healthy relationships and healthy parenting, organized by Vermont’s White Ribbon antiviolence campaign, was on display in Montpelier and Barre, Vermont with select photos scheduled published on Father’s Day in the Times-Argus newspaper. What’s notable about these projects is their twin aims: urging men to challenge violence against women and celebrating involved fathering. At the Michigan exhibit beneath each portrait is a pledge signed by the father in the photo, bearing these words:

I will not commit, condone, or be silent about domestic or sexual violence. I will teach my children and model healthy, nonviolent relationships. I will use my words and my actions to convey to all boys and all men in my life: Real men don’t hit. Real men don’t rape. According to exhibit organizer and father of four Dani Meier, all new parents at the hospital hosting the display will receive 10 Ways to Be a Dad packets among materials given new parents. “We don’t require licenses for parenting as we do for driving,” Meier observes, “[b]ut we can give new dads basic tips on teaching peaceful, non-violent kids—boys who don’t hit, and girls who learn not to expect hitting as “normal.” 20

Voice Male

Photo by WIlla Davis

Photo by Dani Meier

Photo by Stephanie Dobbins

Photo by Kelly McCloughan

Photo by Dani Meier

Photo by Madison Anderson Summer 2010

Fathers and Sons

Legacy by Sy Safransky

Voice Male

Sy Safransky is the editor and publisher of The Sun maga]LQH ZZZ WKHVXQPDJD]LQH RUJ 7KLV HVVD\ ZDV ÂżUVW SXEOLVKHG in the magazine and in a collection of his essays, Four in the Morning.

Summer 2010

The Readerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Double Standard By Randy Flood

Missing from any serious consideration of THE READER is the toll the â&#x20AC;&#x153;affairâ&#x20AC;?had on the young man. Kate Winslet portrayed Hanna Schmitz and David Kross played Michael Berg.

here was the outrage when an adult woman is seen having sex with an adolescent boy as was the case in The Reader, the 2009 Academy Awardâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;winning movie? Was there none because of our cultureâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gender-constructed ideas about sexuality? For adolescent boys, it may be considered titillatingâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; and a big complimentâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;to be seduced by an older woman. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s every teenage boyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fantasy, right? But when it comes to examining the implications of an adult woman initiating sex with an adolescent boy, conversation comes to a near standstill, more often dismissed or minimized than thoroughly discussed. The Reader tells the story of Michael Berg (David Kross plays the adolescent; Ralph Fiennes, the adult), a German lawyer who as a teenager in the late 1950s is sexually seduced by an older woman, Hanna Schmitz (Kate Winslet). Hanna disappears only to resurface years later as one of the defendants in a war crimes trial stemming from her actions as a guard at a Nazi concentration camp in the later years of World War II. A benevolent, lonely woman seeking connection, closeness, DQG LQWLPDF\ +DQQD ÂżQGV LW ZLWK 0LFKDHO +HU $FKLOOHV KHHO LV she is illiterate, a sharp contrast with well-educated Michael who â&#x20AC;&#x153;entertainsâ&#x20AC;? her by reading aloud. In the world of emotions it is Michael who is illiterate and vulnerableâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;just as he is also horny 24

Voice Male

and sexually inexperienced. Older, more powerful, wiser, and skilled sexually, the â&#x20AC;&#x153;relationshipâ&#x20AC;? Hanna initiates is depicted as acceptable, even romantic, seen by some as a unique, endearing love story. 0LVVLQJ IURP DQ\ VHULRXV FRQVLGHUDWLRQ RI WKH ÂżOP LV WKH WROO WKLV emotionally lopsided â&#x20AC;&#x153;affairâ&#x20AC;? might be having on the young man, in large part because of societyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gender-constructed views about sexuality. The audience gets a peek at how hurt and sad Michael is after Hanna temporarily rejects him. As his preoccupation with the sex theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re having grows, he becomes estranged from his ageappropriate peers. He forgoes swimming and other fun adolescent activities with his friends for clandestine afternoon sexual escapades. This leads to being late for family dinners, uncomfortable silences during dinner while he tries to make sense of this powerful, exciting and confusing experience all alone. When Hanna suddenly departs, Michael feels abandoned. Years later, while heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in law school, Michael encounters Hanna when his class attends her Nazi war crimes trial. He sits in the courtroom isolated and in emotional agony, alone. He refuses to let any of his classmates or professors reach him, donning impenetrable, emotional armor. This dark secret is sequestered in the caverns of his soul, casting an ominous, harmful shadow across his life.

want to exploit adolescent girls sexually, it is still a socialâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and moralâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;imperative to protect these girls. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pretty basic: adults have a responsibility to provide a safe and healthy environment for our children until they are old enough or mature enough to do so for themselves. While real life provides laws and policies designed to protect girls and boys, when it comes to enforcing our cultural ethos, societyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gendered view of sexuality undermines enforcing such laws equally. Try as popular culture might to use its many formsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;in this case, cinemaâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;to seek to normalize adult female sexual predatory behavior against adolescent boys, in the end it adds no more to creating a healthy and safe environment than going to Hooters does to offering a nutritious, healthy meal. Where is the outrage? Where is the demand that society protect all adolescents from sexual predatorsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;boys and girls alike? Eventually, when we see Michael years later, he is going through a divorce caused, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re led to believe, by how emotionally closed he is, how aloof, how preoccupied, how pained. The audience sees some of the seismic damage done to Michael, but only glimpsesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; VXEWOH DQFLOODU\ QRW SDUW RI DQ\ VXEVWDQWLYH FRPPHQWDU\ WKH ÂżOP makes. As Michaelâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life demonstrates, although boys may not cry out and tell us about their inner wounds and their inner pain, what happens to them over the decades is their legacy. Imagine the outrageâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and the national conversation that would have ensuedâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;if the gender roles had been reversed: an adult male and female adolescent! The discussion would most likely have focused on the inappropriateness of the sexual relationship, the inherent power differential, statutory rape concerns, the manipulative and offensive predation of the adult male, and the insidious negative impact on the adolescent femaleâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;an impact weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d presume sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d carry throughout her life. Rather than the subtle societal ethos that suggests perhaps he was lucky to have been sexually â&#x20AC;&#x153;mentoredâ&#x20AC;? by an adult female, feminist analysis DQG FRPPHQWDU\ PLJKW KDYH XQGHUPLQHG WKH ÂżOPÂśV PRPHQWXP might well have stunted its popularity. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what should have happened but instead The Reader was acclaimed. In fact, her poignant performance won Ms. Winslet an Academy Award for Best Actress. Besides the blatant double standard, what is the message here? Society has a long distance to travel if we are to understand the emotional reality and naked vulnerability that lives at the core of male sexuality and adolescent posturing. Despite their unconcealed sexual energy, adolescent males need to be respected and protected with no less care than we respect and protect adolescent females. It matters little that society says male socialization promotes menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s emotional invulnerability. Younger malesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;indeed, all malesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;remain vulnerable regardless of what tough guise they may strike. Just because some boys want to drive cars fast, binge on alcohol, and skip school at 15, society doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t arbitrarily allow that behavior or condone it. Just the opposite. Just because some men

Randy Flood is a psychotherapist, consultant, and writer, and director and co-founder of the Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Resource Center of West Michigan. He is co-author (with Charlie Donaldson) of Stop Hurting the Woman You Love (Hazelden, 2006). He can be reached at RFlood@ fountainhillcenter.com or by visiting www.menscenter.org.

Summer 2010

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Books and Videos Pornland: How Pornography Has Hijacked Our Sexuality By Gail Dines Beacon Press, 2010

After a recent presentation on pornography, a group lingered to talk more about their experiences. One woman, in her forties, explained that she had always suspected that her husband used sexually explicit material but that they had an unspoken “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. He didn’t want to acknowledge his habit of masturbating to porn online, and she didn’t want to know. That couple’s tacit agreement broke down when his porn use became so compulsive that he was incapable of a meaningful sexual relationship with her. Another woman, two decades younger, said she had ignored the signs of her boyfriend’s obsession with porn until he began to nag her to try anal sex, which she found painful the one time she agreed. When his nagging turned to a demand, the extent of his use of pornography surfaced. Neither woman realized how common their problems were in a society in which the mainstreaming of pornography has accelerated dramatically. They took some solace in the knowledge that their experiences weren’t unusual, but that gave way quickly to a painful recognition of how the denigration of women is routinely sexualized in contemporary culture. Whether we use pornography or are in a relationship with someone who does, we all live in Pornland. To understand this pornification of society, I recommended to the women that they read Gail Dine’s amazing new book, Pornland: How Pornography Has Hijacked Our Sexuality, which can help us all make sense of the explosion of increasingly cruel sexually explicit material and the dramatic coarsening of pop culture. The key to the power of Dine’s book is its uncompromising radical feminism, articulated in everyday, jargon-free language. Although such politics is routinely mocked in the United States, Pornland makes a compelling case for an unromanticized radicalism that is more necessary than ever. The women’s movement has won important victories in recent decades, but Dines makes it clear how much work is left to be done, and how the porn culture has been a setback to gender justice work.

What happens when you saturate a culture with ever more extreme misogynistic and racist images designed to sexually arouse? What happens to the sexual imaginations of boys and men, who are the primary consumers, and to the self-image of girls and women?

(Full disclosure: I have known Dines as a friend, colleague, and co-author for 17 years, and my own work on this subject has been influenced by her insights. My review is prejudiced in that sense, though my enthusiasm for the book comes not from loyalty but from the importance of her work.) Dines, a professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston, begins the book by suggesting we are living through “a massive social experiment” in which we are being used as experimental subjects without our permission. The research question: What happens when you saturate a culture with ever more extreme

misogynistic and racist images designed to sexually arouse? What happens to the sexual imaginations of boys and men, who are the primary consumers, and to the self-image of girls and women? How are intimate relationships shaped by the expectations cultivated by pornography? What effect does the routine use of such material have not only on levels of sexual violence but on how we define sexual violence? Dines organizes the evidence that is starting to accumulate from scholarly research and everyday experience, and the news is bad. The accomplishment of Pornland is that it not only reports on that bad news without sugarcoating, but provides an analysis of the underlying systems, making it possible to comprehend why this has happened. The book starts with an explanation of the business of pornography—how innovators such as Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt paved the way for the pornification of the culture, and how lots of “legitimate” corporations (especially mainstream media companies and hotels) are cashing in today. If we want to understand pornography, we have to look at capitalism, in all its amoral, predatory glory. Pornland also shines a light on the racism of contemporary pornography. While the worst racist stereotypes have been eliminated from mainstream movies and television, they flourish in pornography. In some movies, pornographers sexualize race for white men who want to see women from particular racial/ethnic groups degraded, while in other movies they avoid non-white performers to appeal to men who despise people of color. Pornography reminds us of how white supremacy endures in contemporary society. Dines focuses the core of the book on male supremacy, the central system that defines pornography. Recognizing that, for many, the term “patriarchy” is not part of the contemporary vocabulary, Dines talks about that system in accessible language that makes it clear: Pornography is, at its core, the sexualizing of male domination and female submission. Pornography’s defenders want to suggest that sexually explicit images are just sex on screen, but Dines walks the reader through the reality of those images, especially the most extreme and misogySummer 2010

Voice Male

nist “gonzo” pornography that blankets the Internet. Dines not only explains but equips pornography critics to respond to the most common attempt to derail this analysis, the accusation that Gail Dines, Wheelock College p eople who professor of sociology and women’s studies. have a problem with porn are “anti-sex.” The label is nonsensical, but people—especially women—who fear being dismissed as repressed or prudish often are understandably scared off by the insult. Dine’s response is useful: “[I]f this were a book that criticizes McDonald’s for its exploitive labor practices, its destruction of the environment, and its impact on our diet and health, would anyone accuse the author of being anti-eating or anti-food? I suspect that most readers would separate the industry (McDonald’s) and the industrial product (hamburgers) from the act of eating and would understand that the critique was focused on the large-scale impact of the fast food industry and not the human need, experience, and joy of eating.” Dines also makes it clear that the other common slur against radical feminists—that they are man-haters—is equally absurd. Pornland is a book for men as much as for women, a call for men to take back control of our own lives from the pornographers. Dines describes her frequent lectures to college audiences: “When I look out at the men in the lecture hall, they remind me of my son, and I feel outraged that they are caught in the crosshairs of this predatory industry, one that has a huge financial stake in habituating them to a product that dehumanizes all involved.” Dines doesn’t end the book with naïve claims that the pornified culture will be easily challenged. We can all make personal choices to reduce our exposure to pornography, but precisely because we all live in Pornland, individual actions aren’t sufficient. New approaches to law may have a role; certainly a more vigorous public education campaign around pornography and sexuality more generally is needed. Dines doesn’t

pretend to have answers, but her book gives us the analysis we need to start this important conversation. For more information on Dines and Pornland, go to http://gaildines.com/. —Robert Jensen Voice Male contributing editor Robert Jensen is a journalism professor at the University of Texas at Austin and board member of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center. His latest book is All My Bones Shake: Seeking a Progressive Path to the Prophetic Voice (Soft Skull Press, 2009). He also is the author of Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity (South End Press, 2007).He can be reached at rjensen@uts.cc.utexas.edu. His articles can be found online at http://uts.cc.utexas. edu/~rjensen/index.html.

nothing like a crisis to motivate many men to begin to look for support. To ensure positive outcomes in negotiating with the other parent, Fathering Through Divorce recommends developing strong communication skills to solve problems and make decisions. Among its tips are:

x Don’t interrupt or get defensive. x Avoid starting sentences with “You always…” or “You never…”

x Don’t express your opinions as fact. x Lower your voice. x Avoid name-calling, killer statements, and put-downs.

x Meet in a public place or email each other to resolve issues about the children.

x Steer clear of history lessons; decide that bringing up the past is taboo.

x Place a photo of your children next to you

Fathering Through Divorce

Trafford Publishing, 2010 $9.95, 120 pages

x x x

by Carol Patton Handbook for Men Mentoring Men and it’s Impact on Parenting

Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Along with the end of a marriage come feelings of failure, guilt, bitterness, and anger, not to mention such practicalities as dividing property and assets, and deciding who moves out. Among the boulders and gullies found in this new emotional landscape, for parents there is the added issue of custody arrangements to negotiate. A new guidebook for fathers is a good road map for navigating this unfamiliar terrain. Fathering Through Divorce is rich in resources and tips from divorce experts and honest accounts from fathers who have been there. The book can help men plot a personal course to recovery from divorce—mentally, emotionally, and financially. Unlike most women, many men don’t have the kinds of deep personal friendships or social support networks to help them get through this painful and complicated life transition. Showing up at a time when more men are joining men’s groups and feel growing social permission to honestly share difficult life experiences with other men, a book like this is right on schedule:

during phone calls or while emailing to help you stay focused on what’s best for your children. Email your concerns in advance of each meeting so both of you will have time to think them through. Stay on topic and focus on one problem at a time. Create an agenda. Be flexible. Brainstorm solutions.

As Men Mentoring Men observes, divorce is rarely easy. How could it be? If fathers concentrate on what’s best for the kids, though, instead of the problems they may be having with their children’s mothers, they’ll vastly improve the prospects of ensuring a happy and stable future for their children. Fathering Through Divorce is available online through the Men Mentoring Men group at www.menmentoringmen.org.

Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture By Shannon Hayes Left to Write Press, 2010

Mother Nature has shown her hand. Our planet is on the verge of climatic catastrophe; the fossil fuel that drives our industrialized economies is running out; animal and plant species are facing extinction; social injustices are rampant. At long last, Americans have grown conversant in the fundamental steps necessary to solve our global crisis: stop Summer 2010

Voice Male

driving our cars; consume less; increase our self-reliance; buy locally, eat locally, rebuild our local communities. So says Shannon Hayes, author of Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture. Hayes believes what lies ahead is the great work of sweeping out our hearths and kindling the home fires. Radical Homemakers is a book that spotlights women and men around the U.S. who have chosen to focus their lives on home and hearth as a political and ecological act. These men and women are, Hayes says, “centering their lives on family and community not only for personal fulfillment, but as a way to bring about cultural change.” Hayes is the host of grassfedcooking.com, and author of The Farmer and the Grill and The Grassfed Gourmet. Exploring what domesticity can look like in an era that has benefited from feminism, Radical Homemakers also examines the possibilities of a world “where domination and oppression are cast aside, where the choice to stay home is no longer equated with mindnumbing drudgery, economic insecurity, or relentless servitude.” Hayes has made a life for herself that is far from mind-numbing drudgery. She interviewed radical homemakers around the country so they could speak out about the personal empowerment they sought “to bring about true change, find genuine happiness, cast aside the pressures of a consumer culture, and live in a world where money loses much of its power to relationships, independent thought, and creativity.”

Hayes lives with her husband Bob Hooper and their daughters Saoirse and Ula in Schoharie County, New York, where they work with her parents operating Sap Bush Hollow Farm raising all-natural grassfed lamb, beef, pork, and poultry. She holds a BA in creative writing from Binghamton University, and a masters and Ph.D. in sustainable agriculture and community development from Cornell University.

Film Review Boys and Men Healing Directed by Kathy Barbini DVD, 58 minutes $24.99 individuals $59 for therapists and non-profits $99 for educational organizations Big Voice Pictures www.bigvoicepictures.com

Boys and Men Healing is a documentary film about the impact the sexual abuse of boys has on both the individual and society, the importance of healing, and the value of speaking out for male survivors in order to end the devastating effects. The film portrays courageous nonoffending men whose arduous healing helped them to reclaim their lives— while giving them a powerful voice to speak out and to act to prevent what happened to them from happening to other boys. The emotional honesty of the men in the film recounting the effects the abuse had on them as boys, adolescents. and adults—and their quest for healing—clearly helps educate about male

child sexual abuse and the great need for resources. The film features a number of men’s stories, including David Lisak’s moving and poignant personal story of facing his own childhood sexual abuse, his dedication to speaking out, and his professional work educating about the impact male child sexual abuse has on the cycle of violence. Boys and Men Healing was produced by Big Voice Pictures (BVP), in association with the International Documentary Association, a leading organization supporting independent and award-winning documentary filmmakers. BVP produces film, that give voice to emerging social issues aimed at provoking discussion, effecting change, and offering new insights and hope for individuals, families, and communities. Their earlier acclaimed film, The Healing Years, was broadcast on PBS and widely distributed. For more information about Boys and Men Healing, go to:www.bigvoicepictures.com or email: kathy@bigvoicepictures.com.

Visit us on the web at Voicemalemagazine.org

Summer 2010

Resources for Changing Men Family Violence Prevention Fund Working to end violence against women globally; programs for boys, men and fathers www.endabuse.org Healthy Dating, Sexual Assault Prevention http://www.canikissyou.com International Society for Men’s Health Prevention campaigns and health initiatives promoting men’s health www.ismh.org Paul Kivel Violence prevention educator http://www.paulkivel.com A wide-ranging (but by no means exhaustive) listing of organizations engaged in profeminist men’s work. Know of an organization that should be listed here? E-mail relevant information to us at info@voicemalemagazine.org 100 Black Men of America, Inc. Chapters around the U.S. working on youth development and economic empowerment in the African American community www.100blackmen.org A Call to Men Trainings and conferences on ending violence against women www.acalltomen.org American Men’s Studies Association Advancing the critical study of men and masculinities www.mensstudies.org Boys to Men International Initation weekends and follow-up mentoring for boys 12-17 www.boystomen.org Boys to Men New England www.boystomennewengland.org Dad Man Consulting, training, speaking about fathers and father figures as a vital family resource www.thedadman.com EMERGE Counseling and education to stop domestic violence. Comprehensive batterers’ services www.emergedv.com European Men Pro-feminist Network Promoting equal opportunities between men and women www.europrofem.org

Voice Male

Lake Champlain Men’s Resource Center Burlington, Vt., center with groups and services challenging men’s violence on both individual and societal levels www.lcmrc.org Males Advocating Change Worcester, Mass., center with groups and services supporting men and challenging men’s violence www.centralmassmrc.org ManKind Project New Warrior training weekends www.mkp.org MANSCENTRUM Swedish men’s centers addressing men in crisis www.manscentrum.se Masculinity Project The Masculinity Project addresses the complexities of masculinity in the African American community www.masculinityproject.com MASV—Men Against Sexual Violence Men working in the struggle to end sexual violence www.menagainstsexualviolence.org Men Against Violence UNESCO program believing education, social and natural science, culture and communication are the means toward building peace www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/ wcpmenaga.htm

Men Can Stop Rape Washington, D.C.-based national advocacy and training organization mobilizing male youth to prevent violence against women. www. mencanstoprape.org MenEngage Alliance An international alliance promoting boys’ and men’s support for gender equality www.menengage.org Men for HAWC Gloucester, Mass., volunteer advocacy group of men’s voices against domestic abuse and sexual assault www.strongmendontbully.com Men’s Health Network National organization promoting men‘s health www.menshealthnetwork.org Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc. Statewide Massachusetts effort coordinating men’s anti-violence activities www.mijd.org Men’s Nonviolence Project, Texas Council on Family Violence http://www.tcfv.org/education/mnp. html Men’s Resource Center for Change Model men’s center offering support groups for all men www.mrcforchange.org Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan Consultations and Trainings in helping men develop their full humanity, create respectful and loving relationships, and caring and safe communities. www.menscenter.org Men’s Resource Center of South Texas Based on Massachusetts MRC model, support groups and services for men mrcofsouthtexas@yahoo.com Men’s Resources International Trainings and consulting on positive masculinity on the African continent www.mensresourcesinternational.org

Men Against Violence (Yahoo e-mail list) http://groups.yahoo.com/group/menagainstviolence/

Men Stopping Violence Atlanta-based organization working to end violence against women, focusing on stopping battering, and ending rape and incest www.menstoppingviolence.org

Men Against Violence Against Women (Trinidad) Caribbean island anti-violence campaign www.mavaw.com.

The Men’s Story Project Resources for creating public dialogue about masculinities through local storytelling and arts. www.mensstoryproject.org

Men’s Violence Prevention http://www.olywa.net/tdenny/ Mentors in Violence Prevention—MVP Trainings and workshops in raising awareness about men’s violence against women www.sportsinsociety.org/vpd/mvp./php Monadnock Men’s Resource Center Southern New Hampshire men’s center supporting men and challenging men’s violence mmrconline.org MVP Strategies Gender violence prevention education and training www.jacksonkatz.com National Association for Children of Domestic Violence Provides education and public awareness of the effects of domestic violence, especially on children. www. nafcodv.org National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Provides a coordinated community www.ncadv.org National Men’s Resource Center National clearinghouse of information and resources for men www.menstuff.org National Organization for Men Against Sexism Annual conference, newsletter, profeminist activities www.nomas.org Boston chapter: www.nomasboston. org One in Four An all-male sexual assault peer education group dedicated to preventing rape www.oneinfourusa.org Promundo NGO working in Brazil and other developing countries with youth and children to promote equality between men and women and the prevention of interpersonal violence www.promundo.org RAINN—Rape Abuse and Incest National Network A national anti-sexual assault organization www.rainn.org Renaissance Male Project A midwest, multicultural and multiissue men‘s organization www.renaissancemaleproject

Resources for Changing Men The Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Bibliography Comprehensive bibliography of writing on men, masculinities, gender, and sexualities listing 14,000 works www.mensbiblio.xyonline.net/ UNIFEM United Nations Development Fund for Women www.unifem.org VDay Global movement to end violence against women and girls, including Vmen, male activists in the movement www.newsite.vday.org Voices of Men An Educational Comedy by Ben Atherton-Zeman http://www.voicesofmen.org Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s March to Stop Rape, Sexual Assault & Gender Violence http:// www.walkamileinhershoes.org White Ribbon Campaign International menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s campaign decrying violence against women www.whiteribbon.ca XY Magazine www.xyonline.net Profeminist menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s web links (over 500 links) www.xyonline.net/links.shtml Profeminist menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s politics, frequently asked questions www.xyonline.net/misc/ pffaq.html Profeminist e-mail list (1997â&#x20AC;&#x201C;) www.xyonline.net/misc/profem.html Homophobia and masculinities among young men www.xyonline.net/misc/ homophobia.html

Fathering Fatherhood Initiative Massachusetts Childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Trust Fund Supporting fathers, their families and theprofessionals who work with them www.mctf.org Fathers and Daughters Alliance (FADA) Helping girls in targeted countries to return to and complete primary school fatheranddaughter.org Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. Useful websites include: www.dadsrights.org (not www.dadsrights.com)

www.directlex.com/main/law/divorce/ www.divorce.com www.divorcecentral.com www.divorcehq.com www.divorcenet.com www.divorce-resource-center.com www.divorcesupport.com Collaborative Divorce www.collaborativealternatives.com www.collaborativedivorce.com www.collaborativepractice.com www.nocourtdivorce.com The Fathers Resource Center Online resource, reference, and network for stay-at-home dads www.slowlane.com National Center for Fathering Strategies and programs for positive fathering. www.fathers.com National Fatherhood Initiative Organization to improve the well-being of children through the promotion of responsible, engaged fatherhood www.fatherhood.org

Gay Rights Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Works to combat homophobia and FKUETKOKPCVKQP KP VGNGXKUKQP ĹżNO OWUKE and all media outlets www.glaad.org Human Rights Campaign Largest GLBT political group in the country. www.hrc.org Interpride Clearing-house for information on pride events worldwide www.interpride.net LGBT Health Channel Provides medically accurate information to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and allied communities. Safer sex, STDs, insemination, transgender health, cancer, and more www.lgbthealthchannel.com. National Gay and Lesbian Task Force National progressive political and advocacy group www.ngltf.org Outproud - Website for GLBT and questioning youth www.outproud.org Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays YYY RĆ&#x20AC;CI QTI

Summer 2010

Poetry

By Molly Scott

W H AT ’ S D O N E The Rune Perth: initiation, something hidden, a secret matter

When is done, done? enough, enough? When old bones ache and crack and when the hefty arms that hauled and handled trees and engines, could not lift the son out of the chair onto the toilet so he would soil and be ashamed and angry at you and you couldn’t explain, no one to blame just aging tissues and time passing, and so you’d bend your bones to clean him up because love is the language between you two and if he hurts, you hurt, and if he goes, you go And when the spring comes and the son’s spine splinters down and the precarious balance of his breath struggles through collapsing channels, and you hear the saplinged sanctuary where you two had gnarled together, is sheared down, and the town has felled

the twisted message maple that was your telephone to neighbors all those years, into a stump whose broken body lies across the path that used to lead to home And when some hidden signal sounds inside your gut, although— perhaps because—forsythia blooms so wildly yellow just outside your door and the warming garden waits for your hand, you can say Yes to everything and still will shut the door, savor your favorite meal, and then in the finest, gentlest way you know, loving the boy with every breath he breathes, take it away, along with yours, and be no longer here. Molly Scott is a poet, singer, psychotherapist, and social justice advocate who lives in the deep hills of western Massachusetts.

Have an idea how to spread the Voice Male message? Contact editor Rob Okun at: rob@voicemalemagazine.org. www.Voicemalemagazine.org 34

Voice Male

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A G. J

author of The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy and Privilege, Power, and Difference presents his first novel

“This beautiful, brave, and liberating book is a triumph of the spirit. Engrossing and exquisitely written, it shines with rare courage and a tender, life-saving wisdom that comes only through facing WKH GDUNQHVV ZH VXIIHU RU LQÀLFW RQ RWKHUV ´ — Joanna Macy ³$OODQ -RKQVRQ¶V LOOXPLQDWLRQ RI WKH PLQG RI D ZRPDQ UHFRYHULQJ IURP KRUUL¿F DEXVH DQG ORVV is miraculous.” — Jean Kilbourne “This is a novel that rings true, and that we need urgently to take into our hearts.” — Lundy Bancroft “His ability and willingness to see so deeply, to portray a woman and her story so profoundly, takes our breath away.” — Deena Metzger

Available at Amazon.com or through your local bookstore.