Voiceless, Volume 1, Isssue 1

V o l u m e

1 ,

I s s u e

1

The Unofficial, Unendorsed, and Uncensored Zine about Faith and Sexuality

By Students and Alumni of Abilene Christian University

[

space

]

where both

marginalized

The Voiceless project strives to provide a

conventional

and voices can dialogue together.

©Voiceless, 2012. All rights reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the The Holy Bible, New International Version®.

NIV®. © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011, by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Table of Contents.

Disclaimer.

Open Letter.

Part I: Four Prevailing Voices in the Church.

[An Essay by the Editor of Voiceless] Introduction.

Visual Map. Mock Panel Discussion.

Part II: Six Human Voices from ACU. [Stories from Students and Recent Alumni] One. Two. Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Disclaimer.

The views expressed within this zine are best understood as snapshots of the beliefs of individual authors at the time when these authors last edited their submissions. Thus, the views within this zine do not represent official positions held by any entity of Abilene Christian University, nor do they reflect a unanimous consensus among each individual who participates in the Voiceless project, nor do they serve as a comprehensive survey of every nuanced view within the ACU community.

Open Letter.

To all students, faculty, staff, administration, alumni, and beloved donors of Abilene Christian University,

To all who know or have known the inner darkness of the closet, who experience same-­‐sex attraction or identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, or queer,

To the Churches of Christ and her affiliates, together with all those everywhere who call on the name of Jesus—their Lord and ours,

To people of all faiths who are interested in peaceful dialogue, to the LGBTQ community, to atheists, agnostics, and every curious reader from the watching world,

Welcome. Grace, peace, and love be yours in abundance.

The purpose of this zine is to provide a medium for communication that is—first and foremost—safe, while encouraging each voice to express itself in a unique and compelling way. We seek to elevate the conversation between Christians, the LGBTQ community, and all of us who find ourselves standing awkwardly between them. We do not provide unanimous, conclusive answers to the most important questions about faith and sexuality, but we make every attempt to explore these questions openly and honestly. We stand united—not by political or theological agreement on

every point—but by common ties to Abilene Christian University and by a common awareness that conventional statements about homosexuality circulating around the internet, within our churches, and in the media are often inaccurate or incomplete.

We ask only three things of you, our readers: (1) that you appreciate the cost of our self-­‐disclosure, treating each story as if a friend had told it to you in confidence, (2) that if something in this zine touches you, you share it with at least one other person, and (3) that if you feel voiceless in your own community, you partner with us as we continue the conversation on the Voiceless blog and in future zines or create your own medium for communication and let your voice be heard.

Thank you for your time, and a special thank you to all of you who have gone before us, breaking the silence in your communities and providing a safe place for friends, relatives, students, peers, daughters, and sons to talk.

In Peace,

The Voiceless Community

Part I: Four Prevailing Voices in the Church

[An Essay by the Editor of Voiceless]

Introduction.

In Part II of this zine, you will read six stories from students and recent alumni of ACU who either identify themselves as one of the LGBTQs, refuse to accept any one label, or simply say that they experience same-­‐sex attraction. Each of these stories brings a unique, nuanced perspective to our conversation about faith and sexuality, but in order to get a broader sense of the state of our conversation within the ACU community as a whole, I want to spend Part I focusing on fundamental similarities and differences between the four most common viewpoints among the Christians that I know personally. My goal in this essay is not that of a taxonomist, who must order all things in a way that accounts for every possible variation. My goal is not to summarize the opinions of every person who has an opinion about homosexuality, nor to speak for all Christians worldwide, nor to speak for everyone at ACU, but rather to provide a very loose framework that helps me and my readers to understand the big picture of what’s going on at ACU, in the hopes that this bears some similarity to what’s going on in many other communities where Christians are present. The big picture, as I see it, is this: Christians tend to emphasize either the divine or the human aspect of how we receive spiritual truths and the divine or human aspect of how we share these spiritual truths with others, and this emphasis tends to influence what a Christian believes about homosexuality and how a Christian interacts with those who experience same-­‐sex attraction.

Every Christian I know believes that spiritual truth comes from God and through people. God’s Word is Truth, and God speaks truly to us through the mouths of babes, angels, prophets, pagan priests, and even donkeys. God can and does speak through any agent God chooses to call, and when God speaks (if God really is speaking) what God says is true. Those who emphasize that truth comes from God also tend to emphasize the authority of certain agents, whom they believe God speaks through more frequently or with greater clarity, such as Bible scholars, elders, ministers, priests, Church Fathers, the sayings of Jesus in the Gospels, the writings of Paul, the Magisterium, or people who seem to have a particularly strong manifestation of the Spirit. Those who tend to emphasize that God’s truth can be spoken through all people tend to be more suspicious of the authority of particular agents and are somewhat more inclined to listen for the voice of God from unconventional sources, such as lay Christians, popular music, younger Christians, movies, philosophers, atheists, novels, and people of other religions. Once again, the difference between these two groups is not one of principal, but rather emphasis. Some people emphasize the divine aspect of divine revelation—that what God says is true and that God aids us toward understanding by giving us certain figures of authority—while others emphasize the human aspect of our receiving divine revelation— that humans are capable of error and that God often shows up in surprising places.

“The Difference between these two groups is not one of principle, but emphasis.”

Once a Christian becomes convinced that he or she has learned a spiritual truth from one source or another, that Christian must decide how best to share it with others. And just as people tend to emphasize either the divine or human aspect of receiving spiritual truths for themselves, they also tend to emphasize either the divine or human aspect of sharing spiritual truths with others. Those who emphasize the divine aspect of sharing spiritual truth may imagine themselves as light, while those who emphasize the human aspect of sharing spiritual truth may imagine themselves as salt. Both are Biblical—they come from the same passage in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount! Now light illuminates everything it touches. So long as you don’t hide it under bowl, it will give light to an entire room and serve as a beacon to the lost, a city on a hill.

But if you leave salt on a table, it won’t season or preserve a thing. You can’t just put salt on a stand; you have to mix it with the things it is meant to help. The problem with light is that you have to show it; if you keep your light hidden, you won’t give light to anyone.

The problem with salt is that you have to retain your saltiness; if you loose your saltiness when you mix with unsalty things, you will no longer be any good for others, or yourself for that matter. In a lot of literature on missions, this paradigm is called “attractional ministry” versus “incarnational ministry,” but I think this is a false dichotomy that puts a negative spin on what is perceived as the opposite of incarnation. But the opposite of incarnation is not attraction; it’s inspiration or deification. One is God becoming flesh; the other is flesh becoming God-­‐like. One pulls others up to where they were created to be; the other kneels down to meet people where they are. You see this

playing out in our discussions about the best way to help the poor. Should we buy food for the homeless person on the side of the road, or should we invite him or her into our homes to share a meal? Should we liberate them from poverty by giving them resources, teaching them job skills, and funding sustainable organizations that will push for lasting change; or should we join them in their poverty, forming relationships with them, living among them, and funding friendship houses and community churches in low-­‐income neighborhoods? Mother Teresa did both.

In the pages immediately following this introduction, I have drawn a four-­‐quadrant map representing what I see as the four most prevalent Christian perspectives on homosexuality. The x-­‐axis represents what people think about their own reception of spiritual truth regarding homosexuality, with an emphasis on the divine aspect of this reception on the left and an emphasis on the human aspect of this reception on the right. The y-­‐axis represents what people think about how best to share spiritual truths about homosexuality with others, with an emphasis on the divine aspect of sharing on top and an emphasis on the human aspect of sharing on bottom.

Notice that this gives the top-­‐left quadrant a double emphasis on the divine aspects of receiving and sharing spiritual truths about homosexuality, while the lower-­‐ right quadrant gets a double emphasis on the human aspects of receiving and sharing spiritual truths about homosexuality. This means that members of the former have a high level of certainty, a high level of decisiveness, and a low level of tolerance for conflicting viewpoints; while members of the latter are comfortable with unanswered questions and ambiguity,

may at times be indecisive, and are better at what we might call “perceptive counseling” than “theological counseling.” The former are often accused of legalism, Pharisaism, and hypocrisy, while the latter are often accused of agnosticism, secularism, and syncretism.

People in the lower-­‐left quadrant will be almost as certain as those in the upper-­‐left quadrant that their “Biblical” beliefs about homosexuality are true, but because they emphasize the human aspect of sharing these beliefs, they will be more incarnational in their interactions with LGBTQ people than people from the upper-­‐left quadrant. Their mantra is, “form relationships first; talk theology second.” Because of this hierarchy, Christians in this quadrant may postpone having conversations about God with many people indefinitely. Other Christians may accuse them of hiding their light under a bowl or loosing their saltiness, while LGBTQ people may accuse them spreading hatred, rather than love, as they claim to “hate the sin, love the sinner.”

People in the upper-­‐right quadrant emphasize the human aspect of our reception of spiritual truths about homosexuality, leading them to question long-­‐standing interpretations of certain passages of Scripture when they learn about modern understandings of sexual orientation and hear testimonies from numerous individuals who say that homosexuality is a natural part of who God created them to be. However, once these people change their beliefs about homosexuality, they quickly become absolutely certain that their new beliefs are true, and emphasize the divine aspect of these new spiritual truths when sharing them with other people. They preach the message of affirming people for who they are as gospel truth: good news for

everyone who is still trapped in the closet by ignorance, fear, and self-­‐hatred. Although many of these people find new interpretations for those passages of the Bible that address homosexuality directly, they are often accused of paying heed to the word of man rather than the Word of God. Because they see ex-­‐gay ministries and reparative therapy groups as inherently harmful to people with homosexual orientations and a direct threat to their message of welcoming and affirming good news, they may be accused of failing to welcome and affirm people who experience same-­‐sex attraction but do not believe that God wants them to have a romantic same-­‐sex relationship.

I have named each of the quadrants using two verbs, the first naming an action that would seem to flow naturally from Christians who subscribe to that perspective, and the second naming an action that would seem to flow naturally from Christians who subscribe to that perspective and experience same-­‐sex attraction. Thus, I have named the top-­‐left quadrant, “Professing/Repenting,” the bottom-­‐right quadrant, “Listening/Questioning,” the bottom-­‐left quadrant, “Reconciling/Surrendering,” and the top right quadrant, “Affirming/Celebrating.” Of these four, R/S is probably the most common perspective within the ACU community. The A/C perspective is somewhat rare at ACU, but growing, and many people who have this perspective are not very open about it for fear of being in the minority. P/R is also rare, I think, and shrinking, but those who hold this perspective can be quite vocal.

The number of L/Qs, while small, is almost impossible to count, because people with this perspective tend to be such good listeners that representatives from each of the other three quadrants could all talk to an L/Q

person and then walk away assuming they had just spoken to someone with a perspective very similar to their own.

These quadrants are only helpful to our conversation for as long as they help us to understand other perspectives that perplex us. The moment we start ignoring the nuances of a person’s perspective in order to make it fit one of four boxes, the quadrants cease to be useful. As you examine the quadrants and read the mock panel discussion that follows, please consider the reflection questions on the following page.

If you feel like you are supposed to fit in one of the quadrants but do not agree with how your quadrant has been represented, I would love to hear from you.

Likewise, if you are a non-­‐Christian and want to explain the diversity of viewpoints concerning sexuality within your own community, I would love to learn. Send an email to voicelesszine@gmail.com. If you make some really good points, I may post a revised version of the map for all to see or ask you to submit an article for our blog or for future issues of the zine.

Once again, welcome to all, and thanks for reading.

--“Stewart Headlam” Editor, Voiceless Alumnus, Class of ’10 Current Graduate Student

Visual Map.

Reflection Questions:

1. Into which quadrant do you most closely fit? How would you qualify and correct the statements in this quadrant?

2. What new insights and experiences might cause a person to move from one quadrant to another?

3. What do you see as the most natural direction of movement for people who pass through two or more quadrants within their lifetimes? Can you imagine a person who might move in a direction different from the one that seems most natural to you?

4. What frustrations and barriers to communication exist between people in quadrants above or below each other? Left or right? Diagonally across?

5. How well do you understand the different perspectives outlined by each quadrant? Can you think of four people you know (or know of) who each seem to fit in a different quadrant? What kind of a relationship do you have with each of these people?

6. How do you think a person from each of the four quadrants might rank the following in order from most to least important for spiritual discernment: Scripture, Experience, Reason, and Tradition?

Proclaiming / Repenting • Theology of Sexual Sin:!\()'()&(!&(.,+/!6(&$)(&!R$*1/,6$*8! :,%!*2%!/$3$%(6!%2!0232&(.,+/!6(&$)(&U!+)(!&#34%23&!25!+!5+//(*!

1)(+%$2*7!;%!$&!*2%!+!&$*!%2!5((/!%0(&(!6(&$)(&-!:,%!$%!$&!+!&$*!%2!+1%!2*! %0(3!2)!%2!+//29!%0(3!%2!6('(/24!$*%2!/,&%7!!

• Procliaming:!<0)$&%$+*&!&02,/6!+1%!+&!4)240(%&!%2!%0(!1,/%,)(! +*6!('+*8(/$&%&!%2!$*6$'$6,+/&-!%+C$*8!('()#!2442)%,*$%#!%2! /2'$*8/#!4)21/+$3!%0(!%),%0!%0+%!&(%&!4(24/(!5)((7!

• Repenting:!\(24/(!902!0+'(!&$**(6!+&!+!)(&,/%!25!%0($)!&(.,+/!

6(&$)(&!&02,/6!)(4(*%7!](4(*%+*1(!3(+*&!%0+%!#2,!F%,)*G!+9+#!

5)23!%0(!9)2*8!4+%0!%2!8(%!:+1C!2*!12,)&(!9$%0!@26-!:,%!$%!62(&! *2%!3(+*!%0+%!#2,!9$//!*('()!&%,3:/(!+8+$*!2)!%0+%!%0(!6(&$)(&!

9$//!('()!6$&+44(+)!1234/(%(/#7!!

• Key Passage:!F^2)!%0(!3(&&+8(!25!%0(!1)2&&!$&!522/$&0*(&&!%2! %02&(!902!+)(!4()$&0$*8-!:,%!%2!,&!902!+)(!:($*8!&+'(6!$%!$&!%0(!

429()!25!@267!_`a!b0()(!$&!%0(!40$/2&240()!25!%0$&!+8(J!E+&!*2%! @26!3+6(!522/$&0!%0(!9$&623!25!%0(!92)/6JG!! !!!!!=Y!<2)$*%0$+*&!YNYc-!OZ:!RS;TU! A0(!b2)6!123(&!5)23!@26!R%0)2,80!4(24/(U7!

Reconciling / Surrendering

!

• Theology of Sexual Sin:!V$*1(!F+//!0+'(!&$**(6!+*6!5+//(*! &02)%!25!%0(!8/2)#!25!@26G!R]23+*&!dNOd-!S;TU-!&(.,+/!&$*=90$/(! &%$//!&$*=&02,/6!*2%!:(!&%$83+%$X(6!+&!&23(029!32)(!6$&8,&%$*8!

2)!4()'()&(!%0+*!2%0()!%#4(&!25!&$*7!!!

• Reconciling:!<0)$&%$+*&!&02,/6!e2$*!<0)$&%!$*!%0(!3$*$&%)#!25! )(12*1$/$+%$2*!%2!%0(!2,%1+&%&!25!&21$(%#7!;5!9(!8$'(!%0(&(!4(24/(! &4$)$%,+/!+6'$1(-!$%!&02,/6!2*/#!:(!90(*!%0(#!+&C!52)!$%!+5%()!9(!

0+'(!52)3(6!6((4-!4()&2*+/!)(/+%$2*&0$4&!9$%0!%0(37!<0)$&%$+*&! &02,/6!0+%(!%0(!&$*-!:,%!/2'(!%0(!&$**()!R&((!9)$%$*8&!25!

W,8,&%$*(!+*6!@0+*6$U7!<0)$&%$+*&!&02,/6!&%)$'(!%2!:(!+,!%0(!

92)/6-!:,%!*2%!%-!%0(!92)/6!R&((!L20*!YfNYdQYgU7!

• Surrendering:!A02&(!902!(.4()$(*1(!&+3(Q&(.!+%%)+1%$2*! &02,/6!&((C!+,%0(*%$1!<0)$&%$+*!1233,*$%#!+*6!&,))(*6()! %0(3&(/'(&!%2!@26>&!9$//-!90(%0()!%0+%!3(+*&!5$*6$*8!0+44$*(&&!! $*!+!0(%()2&(.,+/!3+))$+8(!2)!+11(4%$*8!+!/$5(!25!1(/$:+1#7!

• Key Passage:!FS($%0()!62!;!12*6(3*!#2,!_`a!82!*29!+*6!/(+'(! #2,)!/$5(!25!&$*7G!!=L20*!cNYY!RS;TU! !

Affirming / Celebrating !

A0(!b2)6!;&!@226!S(9&!R"#$%&'U7!

• Theology of Sexual Sin:!V(.,+/$%#!$*'2/'(&!32)(!%0+*!&$34/#!

0+'$*8!&(.-!+*6!(.4)(&&$*8!#2,)&(/5!+&!+!&(.,+/!:($*8!9$%0!+!

0,3+*!:26#!1)(+%(6!:#!@26!1234)$&(&!4+)%!R%02,80!*2%!+//U!25!+!

4()&2*>&!$6(*%$%#!$*!<0)$&%7!W*!$*6$'$6,+/>&!&(.,+/$%#!:(123(&! &$*5,/!90(*!$%!1+,&(&!0+)3!%2!2*(&(/5!2)!2*(>&!&(.,+/!4+)%*()7!

• Affirming:!<0)$&%$+*&!&02,/6!+55$)3!%0(!)(/+%$2*&0$4&!25!?@"AB! $*6$'$6,+/&!&$*1(!*,3()2,&!3(*%+/!0(+/%0!2)8+*$X+%$2*&!+*6!%0(! %(&%$32*$(&!25!%02,&+*6&!25!$*6$'$6,+/&!6(32*&%)+%(!%0+%!&+3(Q &(.!)(/+%$2*&0$4&!+)(!*2%!$*0()(*%/#!0+)35,/-!90()(+&!%0(! &,44)(&&$2*!25!+!4()&2*>&!&(.,+/$%#!1+*!:(!(.%)(3(/#!0+)35,/7!!

• Celebrating:!?@"AB!$*6$'$6,+/&!&02,/6!1(/(:)+%(!%0($)! &(.,+/$%#!+&!+!&$8*$5$1+*%!4+)%!25!902!%0(#!+)(!+*6-!90(*!$%!$&!&+5(! %2!62!&2-!'21+//#!4)21/+$3!%0($)!&%2)$(&!$*!2)6()!%2!4)232%(! +9+)(*(&&!$*!%0($)!1233,*$%$(&!+*6!/(%!%02&(!&%$//!$*!%0(!1/2&(%!

C*29!%0+%!%0(#!+)(!*2%!+/2*(7!

• Key Passage:!FK2!*2%!1+//!+*#%0$*8!$34,)(!%0+%!@26!0+&!3+6(!

1/(+*7G!!=W1%&!YZNY[:!RS;TU! A0(!b2)6!123(&!5)23!@26-!"#$%&'#!()%(*)7!

!

A0(!b2)6!"(1+3(!^/(&0!R()*+,)+-.#)U7!

Listening / Questioning

!

• Theology of Sexual Sin:!"#!$%&!'()#!*+%,)(-!&(.,+/$%#!0+&!

1234/(.!)+3$5+1+%$2*&!52)!$*6$'$6,+/&-!%0($)!4+)%*()&-!%0($)!

1233,*$%$(&-!+*6!%0($)!1,/%,)(7!"(1+,&(!%0(&(!52,)!+)(!&2! $*%())(/+%(6-!+!10+*8(!$*!+*#!2*(!25!%0(3!3+#!+55(1%!90(%0()!+!

1()%+$*!&(.,+/!:(0+'$2)!$&!&$*5,/-!%+:22-!4()3$&&$:/(-!2)!:(*(5$1$+/!

52)!&4(1$5$1!$*6$'$6,+/&!$*!+!&4(1$5$1!12*%(.%7!

• Listening:!;*!%0$&!1234/$1+%(6!&$%,+%$2*-!<0)$&%$+*&!&02,/6= 5$)&%!+*6!52)(32&%=/$&%(*-!+*6!&%)$'(!%2!1)(+%(!+!&+5(!4/+1(!90()(! ('()#2*(>&!4()&4(1%$'(!9$//!:(!0(+)6!+*6!)(&4(1%(67!

• Questioning:!;%!92,/6!:(!+))28+*%!%2!&,88(&%!+*#!&$*8/(!12,)&(!

25!+1%$2*!52)!+//!?@"AB!<0)$&%$+*&-!:,%!$%!$&!2C+#!52)!%0(3!%2!69(//! $*!%0(!D,(&%$2*&7!E29('()-!%0(#!92,/6!:(!9$&(!%2!02/6!255!2*!

6+%$*8!2)!F(.4()$3(*%$*8G!,*%$/!%0(#!+)(!1()%+$*!25!%0($)!:(/$(5&7!

• Key Passage:!FA(+10!3(-!+*6!;!9$//!:(!D,$(%H!&029!3(!90()(!;!

0+'(!:((*!9)2*87!E29!4+$*5,/!+)(!02*(&%!92)6&I!",%!90+%!62! #2,)!+)8,3(*%&!4)2'(J!K2!#2,!3(+*!%2!12))(1%!90+%!;!&+#-!+*6! %)(+%!3#!6(&4()+%(!92)6&!+&!9$*6JG!!=L2:!MNOPQOM!RS;TU!

Mock Panel Discussion.

Note: The transcript of this mock panel discussion can be read or performed for the purpose of exploring the four “prevailing Christian voices” outlined in the preceding graph. Although I used memories of the many conversations I have had about Christianity and homosexuality while writing each character’s dialogue in this transcript, all questions and responses to those questions were crafted by my hand and thus do NOT represent actual quotations from human participants in an interview setting. For real stories from real people, please read Part II of this zine, and then discuss it with friends and relatives who have different perspectives.

--“Stewart Headlam”

PANEL MODERATOR Thank you all for joining us today. Let’s start off with a question many of our listeners are probably wondering: How do each of you interpret those passages in the Bible that address homosexuality? We don’t have time to cover them all, so let’s focus our discussion on the big one—Romans 1:26-­‐27.

AFFIRMING/CELEBRATING The odd thing about this passage is that Paul doesn’t argue that the sexual acts he describes are inherently sinful and then provide reasons for why this is true.

Rather, he assumes his audience will accept without question that the acts he describes are inherently sinful and even double as a punishment in and of themselves on those who commit them out of rebellion against God.

Since this seems odd to me, I am left with three options for interpreting the passage: (1) Paul was wrong, (2) I am indeed in a state of rebellion against God and have become so depraved that I can’t even tell the difference between good and evil anymore, or (3) When he wrote Romans, Paul was not thinking about the same situations that I think about when I read it.

Some people believe that Paul was just wrong, and others will claim that my conscience-­‐crippling moral depravity is beyond help (I would challenge them to say this to my face and to also say with confidence that every person who sees the “sin status” of homosexuality as at least debatable is also morally impaired). I am more inclined to believe the third option, because verses 21-­‐25 suggest that Paul is talking about sexual rituals that stem from idolatry. This makes me think that Paul had ritual orgies and temple prostitution on his mind when he wrote these words. Perhaps he is alluding to some of the practices that went on at the temple of Aphrodite.

What I know for certain is that my Christian friends and I, who have embraced our sexual identities, have not “exchanged the truth about God for a lie,” worshiping

“My Christian friends and I, who have embraced our sexual identities, have not ‘exchanged the truth about God for a lie.’ […] We don’t worship our significant others; we don’t worship sex; and we certainly don’t worship images of reptiles and birds; we worship God!”

and serving “created things rather than the Creator.”

We don’t worship our significant others; we don’t worship sex; and we certainly don’t worship images of reptiles and birds; we worship God! Paul is convinced that the practices he describes stem from idolatry and are purely sexual, driven by lust. Thus, this passage gives little insight into what Paul might say today to LGBTQ Christians whose relationships are driven by genuine love.

LISTENING/QUESTIONING I’ll have to disagree with that last point you made.

While I still wonder what Jesus might say to LGBTQ Christians today, I feel like I can imagine with some level of confidence what Paul would say after reading his letters closely for many years. If he were to appear in the flesh today, I’m pretty sure he would be very surprised indeed that you and I are willing to debate the inherent sinfulness of homosexuality.

However, I think Paul would be surprised about a lot of things. For one, he would be surprised that we are still here! In his letters, Paul seems convinced that Jesus is coming back soon—as in, probably tomorrow or maybe next week, but within a generation or two at the very latest. I also think Paul would be angry with many charismatic churches for allowing people to speak in tongues without interpreters, while he would be surprised that other churches don’t even consider speaking in tongues to be a genuine spiritual gift any more.

But just because something would surprise Paul doesn’t mean that it is necessarily wrong. Paul played a crucial role in the early development and spread of Christianity. He was a brilliant theologian and a

passionate evangelist. I believe that his writings were inspired by God, but I do not believe in the inerrancy of Scripture. And neither does anyone else I know, at least not consistently. Just look at the example of speaking in tongues. Or see how people interpret (or ignore) 1 Corinthians 11:14-­‐15, “Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory?” Both here and in Romans 1:26-­‐27, Paul makes an argument based on what is “natural” and what he assumes his audience will agree is natural. If you believe that homosexuality is unnatural in all cultures but that long hair on men is only unnatural in certain cultures, then how do you explain Paul’s statement in the very next verse, 1 Corinthians 11:16, “If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practice—nor do the churches of God”? That’s a pretty strong statement for something that only applies to a particular culture.

Now, if you believe that Paul could be mistaken on a few details in his letters, that doesn’t mean you throw everything he ever wrote out of the cannon. Read Paul charitably. Assume that his letters gave sound theological advice to their original audiences. Assume that there is some way to apply these theological insights to our current situation, even if it’s not in the most obvious way. Don’t reject the possibility of one particular application unless you have significant reasons for doing so. Now, when thousands and thousands of Christians come forward and say that their emotional, psychological, and spiritual lives drastically improved after accepting their same-­‐sex attraction as a natural part of who they are—to me, that’s pretty significant. At the very least, we should

bracket our assumptions for a moment and listen to what they have to say.

PROFESSING/REPENTING I think it’s also significant, though, that while there aren’t very many passages in the Bible that address homosexuality, all of the passages that do address homosexuality are unanimous in saying that it is wrong.

This distinguishes the debate about homosexuality from most of the other moral debates people often compare it to. Consider slavery: for every 1 Timothy 6:1-­‐2, Ephesians 6:5-­‐9, and Exodus 21:20-­‐21, there is a Leviticus 25:39-­‐55, an Exodus 3:7-­‐10, and the book of Philemon. Consider the role of women in the church: for every 1 Corinthians 14:34-­‐35, there is a 1 Corinthians 11:5, and for every Genesis 1:27, there is a Galatians 3:28. Consider the consumption of alcoholic beverages: for every Galatians 5:19-­‐21, Ephesians 5:18, and Isaiah 5:11-­‐12, there is a Psalm 104:14-­‐15, a 1 Timothy 5:23, and a Matthew 26:26-­‐30. And finally, consider men with long hair: for every 1 Corinthians 11:14-­‐15, there is a Numbers 6:1-­‐21, a 1 Samuel 1:11, and the entire story of Samson in Judges chapters 13-­‐ 16.

If you are convinced that homosexuality is not wrong and are committed to sound biblical exegesis, then the best you can hope for is to neuter each of the verses that condemn homosexuality or argue that they do not apply to our modern situation. I think it’s pretty hard to argue that the prohibitions are culture-­‐specific since Paul affirms the continuing authority of the Levitical prohibition from Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 by using the word arsenokoitai (a neologism he seems to take from the words for “man” and “lie with” in the Greek

translation of Leviticus) in 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10 and since Romans 1:26-­‐27 uses such general language to describe homosexuality. A wide range of homosexual practices are attested to in the literature of the Greco-­‐Roman world that has made its way down to us, so there is little reason to assume that Paul is only talking about homosexual practices connected to the temple of Aphrodite in Romans 1:26-­‐27. This becomes all the more clear when we read these verses in the context of the other vices mentioned in verses 29-­‐32. Surely Paul was not just condemning gossips within the temple of Aphrodite, or people who disobeyed their parents during a visit at the temple of Aphrodite, or only those murders which had some connection to the temple of Aphrodite, or those who had no love or mercy or understanding because of the temple of Aphrodite.

Only through the most irresponsible “eisogesis” can we reinterpret these passages to make positive statements about sexual orientations. Some have tried to do this by imposing modern intuitions about what is natural onto Paul’s words in Romans 1:26-­‐27, suggesting that while it is “unnatural” for a heterosexual person to engage in homosexual behavior, it is “natural” for a person with a homosexual orientation. This cannot possibly be what Paul means. It

“If you are convinced that homosexuality is not wrong and are committed to sound biblical exegesis, then the best you can hope for is to neuter each of the verses that condemn homosexuality.”

is equally irresponsible to reinterpret other passages that say nothing about homosexuality to make positive statements to balance out the prohibitions. Some have tried to do with the stories of David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, or even Jesus and John, but these interpretations deserve about as much scholarly respect as The DaVinci Code.

Now, I wouldn’t say that those who try to neuter these passages or debate their modern-­‐day applicability are so morally depraved that they are “beyond help,” but I do believe that all of us are morally impaired to some extent and that one of the purposes of Scripture is to be a spiritual guide when our culturally-­‐conditioned consciences fail us. Shortly after describing the unnatural relations of men with men and women with women in Romans 1, Paul acknowledges that some people in his culture have stopped seeing such relations as wrong because “God gave them over to a depraved mind” when they “did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God.” Paul says these people “not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.”

So perhaps Paul would not be surprised to find that many people today approve of homosexual behavior. In his own day, Paul knew of people that approved of homosexuality, and he said that they were wrong to do so.

RECONCILING/SURRENDERING I think the most important verse for interpreting Romans 1 is actually in Romans 2, the very first verse, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because

you who pass judgment do the same things.”

Paul didn’t write Romans to group of people who experienced same-­‐sex attraction; he wrote Romans to a bunch of greedy, arrogant, gossiping Christians who were judgmental toward depraved, wicked murderers and “God-­‐ haters” even as they themselves were unmerciful and didn’t obey their parents (think about that as you read Romans 1:29-­‐32).

The point is not that those who experience same-­‐sex attraction “continue to do these things” and “approve of those who practice them,” the point is that we continue to be greedy, disobedient gossips who approve of other greedy, disobedient gossips even though we know God’s decree that such things deserve death!

That’s the brilliance of Paul’s argument: he gets his Christian readers all riled up and ready for God’s righteous judgment against the pagans, but then in Chapter 2 he turns the whole thing on its head and pronounces judgment on the Church (verse 3), “So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?” The problem today is that we get all riled up against atheists and “homosexuals” in

“The brilliance of Paul’s argument is that he gets his Christian readers all riled up and ready for God’s righteous judgment against the pagans, but then in Chapter 2, he turns the whole thing on its head and pronounces judgment on the Church.”

Romans 1 and forget that it all comes back to us in Romans 2. Try reading through Romans sometime with the following substitutions: every time Paul says, “Gentile,” think “atheist” or “homosexual person”; every time he says “Jew,” think “Christian”; and every time he says “law”, think “conservative family values” or “Scripture” or “New Testament ethics.” I believe this will give modern readers a much clearer picture of what Paul is trying to say. Now with this lens, let’s look at Romans 2:14 and see what Paul tells us about the “nature” of those we judge: “Indeed, when [homosexuals and atheists], who do not have [Scripture], do by nature things required by the [Scripture], they are a [Scripture] for themselves.”

Now, I do not believe that Paul would condone the actions of those who act out on their homosexual desires, but he noticed what many people today have noticed as well, that pagans and Gentiles (like atheists and those who experience same-­‐sex attractions) are sometimes by nature more righteous than many Jews and Christians. They may be wrong about a few things, but they are not morally bankrupt. Paul seems to have very harsh words for pagans in Romans 1, but the harshest language is reserved for believers: Now you, if you call yourself a [Christian]; if you rely on [conservative family values] and boast in God; if you know his will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the [Scriptures]; if you are convinced that you are a guide for the blind, a light for those who are in the dark, an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of little children, because you have in the [Scriptures] the embodiment of knowledge and truth— you, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself? […] You who boast in the [Bible], do you dishonor God

by breaking the [Bible’s commandments]? As it is written: “God’s name is blasphemed among [atheists and people who experience same-­‐sex attraction] because of you.”

(Adapted from Romans 2:17-­‐24.)

PANEL MODERATOR Thank you for your responses. When the debate about those few passages of Scripture which address homosexuality directly comes to an impasse, many people turn to metaphors to make comparisons between homosexuality and other things that the Bible talks about more frequently. What metaphors do each of you find to be helpful in these conversations, and what metaphors do you find to be unhelpful or even offensive?

PROFESSING/REPENTING As I’ve already mentioned, I don’t think comparisons to slavery, women’s roles, etc. are very useful because Scripture is unambiguous about homosexuality. The New Testament upholds the Levitical prohibition against homosexuality, which also renders comparisons to circumcision, the consumption of pork, and the mixing of fibers unhelpful.

Since “consensual sex” is nearly synonymous with “moral sex” for many people in our culture, I think it is helpful to compare homosexual acts between consenting adults to premarital sex between consenting adults or extramarital affairs between consenting adults. This shows that sexual relationships between adults who claim to love each other can still be sinful.

I also find it helpful to compare homosexuality to an addiction to pornography. People often make a big deal about how homosexuality is no longer listed in the current edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but guess what? Neither is pornography addiction. Our culture says that there is nothing wrong with viewing pornography, and some people even claim that a couple’s relationship will improve when they watch pornography together.

However, many of us have seen evidence of how addiction to pornography can ruin marriages, and as Christians, we believe that pornography dehumanizes people. Pornography is a poor copy of the spiritual, person-­‐centered relationships God intended.

I also think it is unhelpful to compare homosexual practices to being of a certain race. One is an action; the other is a state of being. I understand that many people say they were born with their same-­‐sex attraction, but I’m not saying that it is sinful to feel attractions for someone who is the same sex as you are; I’m only saying that it is a sin to have sex with them. We were wrong to treat African-­‐Americans as less than human, and we are wrong when we treat people who experience same-­‐sex attraction as less than human, but we are not wrong when we tell practicing homosexuals that God—though he loves them—is not pleased with some of their actions.

RECONCILING/SURRENDERING I want to echo that last sentiment: we are wrong whenever we treat any person as less than human. That goes for prostitutes, porn stars, pedophiles, murderers,

terrorists, and yes, people who experiences same-­‐sex attraction.

I find it helpful to compare homosexuality to a lot of things: gossip, lying, materialism, pride, addiction, habitual anger, gluttony—pretty much any other type of sin. Yes, I believe that sex between two males or two females is not what God intended, but I know that God is forgiving and that all fall short. Most of all, I know that God is love.

There’s still a lot of discussion about whether or not homosexuality is written into a person’s DNA, but if science ever does discover a gene that gives someone a disposition toward same-­‐sex attraction, I think it would be helpful to compare this to other genetic dispositions such as alcohol dependency. People with a history of alcoholism in their family are more likely to become alcoholics themselves, and some babies can be born with addictions to drugs that their mothers took while pregnant. This is tragic evidence of our fallen creation, but it does not mean that these individuals are evil from birth, and it also does not mean that it would be okay for these individuals to endulge in the substances they have a genetic disposition toward. People who are born with these dispositions will have very hard lives, but there are communities out there who will love and support them and walk with them every step of the way. Religion can help with that.

I think it’s also useful to compare the life of a Christian who experiences same-­‐sex attraction and reluctantly chooses a life of celibacy with the life of a heterosexual Christian who never finds a soul mate and thus ends up living a life of celibacy. Like celibate gay Christians, life-­‐long single Christians may be very

lonely at times, but this doesn’t mean that their lives have to be unfulfilling.

I don’t think it’s useful to compare people homosexuality to pedophilia. It’s true that pedophilia is an example of a sexual impulse that must be controlled no matter how strong it is, but the comparison is so offensive to people from the LGBTQ community that it really doesn’t help our conversation. Obviously there’s a pretty big difference between an adult who—by force or through manipulation—has sex with a child, and two adults having sex because they believe it is a natural outgrowth of their love for one another.

AFFIRMING/CELEBRATING Thank you for saying that. On the list of “metaphors I find offensive,” pedophilia is definitely pretty close to the top, right up there along with bestiality. However, I must say that I also find the comparison to straight and single Christians a little frustrating. Even if a straight and single Christian never finds happiness in a relationship, the hope and possibility is always there. If you’re a gay Christian in a non-­‐affirming environment, you can’t even flirt with someone from the singles’ Bible class or talk about how much you want a relationship without being rebuked by the community.

I also don’t find the comparison to drug and alcohol dependency very helpful. I know many gay Christians with a history of substance abuse who went into therapy for both their alcohol/drug dependency and their homosexuality. After years of therapy and support groups, they learned to control their addictions to drugs and alcohol, but the therapy for their sexual orientation wasn’t having the same effect. When they finally accepted their sexual orientation as a part of

who they are, they got better. Do you understand the difference? For years, these people were in denial about their problems with substance abuse, and they got worse. They admitted that they had a problem and went to therapy, and they got better. For years, these same people believed that their homosexuality was a problem, and they got worse. They acknowledged that being gay is just a part of who they are, and they got better. You can find some alcoholics and drug addicts who are in denial and say that their substance abuse is a good thing, but when compared to the overwhelming testimonies of people who say that their lives got better when they learned to manage their addictions, this number is quite small. You can also find Christians who say they “struggle” with same-­‐sex attraction and a few who claim to have changed, but when compared to the overwhelming testimonies of gay Christians who say that their lives got better when they accepted their sexual orientations and escaped from ex-­‐gay ministries, this number is quite small. And yes, you can find some people who say that watching pornography together can improve a couple’s relationship, but the more common argument for pornography is that there is “nothing wrong with it,” that it is “permissible.” We’re not saying that homosexuality is merely permissible; we’re saying that the affirmation of a person’s sexual orientation has a significant, positive effect on their mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

The most helpful comparison for a homosexual relationship is a heterosexual relationship. That’s why whenever a straight person asks me, “When did you first know you were gay?” I respond, “When did you first know you were straight?” Another helpful comparison is left-­‐handedness. Most people are right-­‐

handed, but people who are left-­‐handed are not bad, they’re just different. Nevertheless, being left-­‐handed is considered taboo in many cultures, and we’re not immune to it here in 21st Century America. I have a friend who has some of the most abysmal handwriting you’ve ever seen, but it’s not because he is lazy or careless; it’s because he was born left-­‐handed, but when it was time to learn how to write, his controlling parents forced him to be someone he was not.

And for the record, I do believe that it is as difficult for me to change my sexual orientation as it would be for anyone to change his or her skin color. Even if I succeeded, the result would be and unnatural, twisted version of myself that did not represent who I truly am.

Also, if you look back at some of the arguments Christians were making among other Christians during the civil rights movement, it’s hard not to hear echoes of what’s going on today with the gay right’s movement.

The similarities are just so striking.

LISTENING/QUESTIONING I do prefer the language of “comparisons” to that “metaphors,” and I would say that they are only helpful if we talk about the similarities and the differences between homosexuality and whatever else we are comparing it to. Any comparison—even an offensive one—can be brought to the table so long as we are willing to put it up to serious scrutiny from other viewpoints and so long as we compare and contrast it with homosexuality, rather than simply using it as a conversation-­‐stopper to win an argument with a loose analogy. One thing we should learn from this exercise is that our debate about homosexuality is unique in many

ways. As the previous responses have illustrated, all of our comparisons fall short at some point or another.

I think it would be very helpful and interesting to compare homosexuality to various sexual fetishes.

Like people who experience same-­‐sex attraction, people with various fetishes say that they have had particular attractions from a very young age. A few fetishes, such as BDSM, evolve into alternate lifestyles in rare cases.

However, many fetishes are more erotic than romantic in nature, which distinguishes them from what people call a homosexual orientation. You don’t hear people saying, “I always felt more comfortable sharing my feelings with high heels and leather” in the same way that you hear people say, “I always felt more comfortable sharing my feelings with other women than with the men I dated.” Also, many fetishes can be done in private, whereas it is much harder to have a secret gay, lesbian, or bisexual relationship. Furthermore, few fetishes seem to be exclusive. We might use language like “sexual preference” more readily than “sexual orientation” to describe most of them. Few of us marry the kind of

“Any comparison— even an offensive one—can be brought to the table so long as we are willing to put it up to serious scrutiny from other viewpoints and so long as we compare and contrast it with homosexuality, rather than simply using it as a conversationstopper to win an argument with a loose analogy.”

person we fantasize about, and yet we can still have fulfilling relationships filled with satisfying sex and romance. It seems somewhat harder for a man who is attracted to men to have a fulfilling relationship with a woman that it is for a man who is attracted to women with large breasts to have a fulfilling relationship with a woman who has relatively small breasts. I think a lot of Christians imagine homosexuality as a type of sexual fetish without explicitly saying this, so bringing this comparison out into the open could provoke some fruitful conversations.

PANEL MODERATOR Let us close our discussion with the following two questions: What do each of you think about the four quadrant map outlined in this zine, and what concerns do you have about the rest of the Voiceless project?

LISTENING/QUESTIONING

I’ll start. Let me just say that I love the spirit of the Voiceless project. When talking about sexuality and Christianity, it is a very rare thing for four radically different viewpoints to be expressed side by side like this in a humble, loving manor. My only fear is that the good intentions of this zine will not be realized, and louder voices and majority opinions will drown out the voices of the marginalized.

AFFIRMING/CELEBRATING I share that concern as well. I’m grateful that Voiceless is talking about these issues and that my viewpoint has been included in the conversation, but I’m not sure about the whole “quadrant” thing. What

Voiceless calls “Affirming/Celebrating” is definitely closest to what I believe, but the quadrants make me feel too boxed in. I would much rather just talk about who I am and what I believe. I guess I like the stories better than this first part.

PROFESSING/REPENTING I too am grateful to be included in the quadrant map. You don’t often see my perspective alongside the affirming viewpoint on the internet. In my home congregation, I would say that I and the “Reconciling/Surrendering” viewpoint are the two dominant voices, but on many websites and media outlets, my voice is in the minority. I won’t say that I’ve suffered persecution in these settings in the same way that those who experience same-­‐sex attraction have suffered persecution from our churches and our society, but in a way, my voice has also been marginalized. I fear that if people from my perspective try to post comments on the Voiceless blog, they will be flagged as hate speech and deleted, and I fear that my voice will be underrepresented in future blog posts and issues of the zine.

RECONCILING/SURRENDERING I think this zine can do some good if people take what they learn from reading it and apply that to their relationships with other people, but I am skeptical about how much can be accomplished behind the veil of anonymity. Make no mistake, I totally support the decisions of those who choose to remain anonymous in a zine like this, since people’s stories will be vulnerable to the use and abuse of everyone in the world with an internet connection, but I think real change can only

come through relationship. I can only have a relationship with real people that I am able to interact with in some way, preferably in person. I can’t have a relationship with “Affirming/Celebrating” or “D. A., the author of Three.” If I sympathize with one of the stories in this zine and then happen to meet the author of that story without knowing it and fail to demonstrate the love of Jesus to them, then it doesn’t matter that I found the zine interesting or meaningful. Without love, I’m just a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

Six Human Voices from ACU

[Stories from Students and Recent Alumni]

One.

“I guess that’s why we always called him a faggot.”

I remember the first time I had these words leveled at me; in fact, I remember it vividly, that moment when someone I had known since the eighth grade decided I was no longer worthy of any respect. I’d been sitting in the Bean with a close friend suffering through yet another increasingly repulsive piece of mediocre pizza when I got the text message.

“Are you the one is talking about on Facebook?”

And I was.

I remember the next day, after sufficient time had allowed the rumor mill to process this new scandal in a conservative “Christian” community, when I received my first phone call from an old teacher in high school who simply wanted to know if I was O.K. And I wasn’t. I remember the iciness in my hands, the way my legs went numb, and the burning sensation that began in my cheeks and spread quickly from my eyes down my face.

But perhaps most vividly, I remember the shame of hurrying quickly from a public location after an individual attempted to drastically hurt me, praying that not everyone would condemn me for the intimate details of my life that were quickly being discussed by strangers on the Internet. I remember fear.

I was “outted” during my freshman year of college, ironically enough during Easter weekend. Granted, some of the details, stories, and cruel remarks took longer to get back to me, but over the course of three days, I knew the terror inherent in losing control over a personal, life-­‐altering decision. For a moment, my life

felt defined by chaos as “I don’t remember another individual that time as a decided to turn my moment when many world upside-­‐down.

I called my mom friends turned their when I made my way backs on me, but from the Bean back to rather, I remember my dorm room, hoping it as the moment she hadn’t already when I regained a heard the news. With a black blanket pulled lost relationship tightly around my with my brother.” shoulders, I sat in the dark and told my mother that I was questioning, that I experienced “same-­‐sex attraction,” and that I wasn’t sure this was definite even as I felt relatively certain. I waited for her to condemn the “lifestyle” she’d described as “sinful” for so many years. I waited alone for others to exhibit the absolute disgust I was already seeing expressed by others with whom I’d grown up.

But what is and was far more telling and remarkable in the conversation I had with my mother that day is the reappearance of a question which would make itself continually evident for the remainder of that semester: “Are you O.K.?”

Not “Are you sure?” or “How long have you known?”

Not a single person opened with “Why?” But anyone and everyone I cared enough about to call during that week needed to know if I was alright or if I would be alright. To be succinct: the people I cared most about and whose opinions I worried most about only wanted me to know one thing. I was loved.

For the purposes of anonymity, I’m going to refer to my sibling as Daniel. I told D about myself over the

phone, after a teacher who wanted him to hear it from me instead of others pulled him from class and gave him a bit of the day off in case he needed time to cope.

He didn’t, by the way. She promised to make any necessary arrangements so he wouldn’t need to feel embarrassed, and after I spoke to my mother, I spoke with my younger brother. He didn’t say much that day, just promised to beat the living hell out of anyone else who spoke about me, and when I hung up, I didn’t know what to say. Maybe in this moment it’s better that we both kept quiet. He and I had never been close, had fought constantly in fact, but for once in my life I realized that he too cared about me. I realized this in his silence.

“He seems ok. He’s crying a bit right now, but it’s far more in concern for you than for himself. He loves you.”

These are the words that my particularly well-­‐ meaning old teacher sent me after our phone call.

These are the words I try to remember when I think back on that day. In fact, rather than continue to sit in the dark and enumerate the countless wrongs that had been inflicted on me over the course of a few days, I really only care to remember those few blessings.

That’s really all there is to say, I guess, about my coming out. I don’t want to drone on and on about an experience that has long since passed, but I do want to emphasize that my experience is remembered not by those people who exhibited hate but by those who exhibited love and compassionate concern. I don’t remember that time as a moment when many friends turned their backs on me, but rather, I remember it as the moment when I regained a lost relationship with my brother. I try not to think about the absolute terror experienced in those moments, but I try to remember

the experience as a moment that forced me to exhibit courage I’d never expected. Most importantly, I remember the time as a fleeting glimpse into a future where this self-­‐proclaimed faggot, queer or whatever the hell else you want to call him could begin to stand proud as an individual who knew he was loved, was worthy of that love, and couldn’t wait to bestow that love upon another individual of his choosing.

--Queer and Content Student, Class of ’12

Two.

Disclaimer: Though I tell here some fairly unfavorable events that occurred during my time at ACU regarding homosexuality, this is not all that happened. Yes, they may have been the most outspoken and definitely the most damaging voices I heard, but if these had been the only voices that I heard, I would not be here to tell this story. My best friend walked with me from my freshman year until this day (10 years). I have many close friends who were and still are exceptionally supportive of me, and this includes staff/faculty members.

“You’re too smart to think it’s okay to be gay and Christian.” My once future employer spoke those words to me when I told him I was no longer trying to not be gay. It was at this moment that I lost the chance to work with teens in a community I loved, at least at the time. I left with my heart broken, my spirit crushed, and teens asking when I was coming to work there. I couldn’t say to them, “I’m gay, I love God and Jesus, and I don’t belong,” but I felt it. After that trip, I decided that I needed to pursue academic theology, as I obviously didn’t belong in ministry. It’s been five years, and I still don’t work in ministry, though my heart lies there.

Unlike some students, I wanted to come to ACU. Turns out I willingly subjected myself to years of pain, and also years of love and growth. I was not a student who passed through ACU unnoticed. I was a leader, and active in school events. I was well known, and made my

presence known. All of this made the closet that much more lonely.

When I took Life and Teachings of Jesus my freshman year, I was in the Bible majors’ class. One day, our professor led us in a case study about homosexuality and the church. I won’t pretend to remember the specific words, but I do remember the student who made homophobic remarks in class. And I remember the professor who did not speak out against these words or the manner in which they were spoken.

What I remember most about that moment is how lonely I felt when I heard those damaging and hurtful words. It felt unsafe for me to tell anyone how much I was hurting. I did not want to risk hearing anyone else’s hurtful or damaging perspective on homosexuality. I find it very sad, looking back on this memory, that this is what I took away from a class on the life and teachings of Jesus.

I remember my therapist from ACU’s counseling center bringing in the director of the center to one of our sessions. He told me about Stanton Jones and Mark Yarhouse coming to ACU to speak to the faculty and staff about their new book, Homosexuality: The Use of Scientific Research in the Church’s Moral Debate. Upon buying the book, I learned that the authors believe that homosexuality is a sin, and that some people can be changed from homosexual “back” to heterosexual. I also learned that ACU would pay people to teach this message to their staff and faculty.

After a professor spoke in chapel about how God healed them from their “same-­‐sex attraction” through therapy and prayer, I was strongly encouraged by a staff member to begin communicating with that professor. Once I came out two and a half years later, I

attended the professor’s weekly support group and, after being asked to do so by the professor, began traveling three hours both ways to see the therapist that had facilitated their healing.

I don’t know how to say anything about the professor and their organization without sounding condescending or angry right now. I’m worried about those left in the ministry and those to come, and I want it to stop. I just want people who hate themselves for how God created them to quit hating themselves and others. I want people, especially Christians, to start teaching themselves and therefore others how to love themselves as God created them to be, not teaching them to change their God given goodness in order to fit someone else’s picture of a flannelgraph Christianity. I cannot pretend that I know the solution, but I know for me that I have to continually practice loving myself for who I am in order to continue to grow into a happy, healthy, whole and godly human being created in the image of God. What I learned best in that professor’s support group and ministry was how to hate myself better and better.

I am not saying that those were the words communicated to me, but that is what I heard, and it’s what I learned. To me, my sexuality mattered…it was

“What I learned best in that professor’s support group and ministry was how to hate myself better and better. I am not saying that those were the words communicated to me, but that is what I heard, and it’s what I learned.”

everything, and because of it, I was nothing if not horrible. Hating my sexuality and myself was my hobby and my profession, and I just got better at it in this support group. My hatred drove me to do horrible things to myself. Through self-­‐mutilation, I tried to cleanse myself for God by the literal shedding of my own blood. I just wanted to be “clean,” and I was not finding anyone who told me I was. I bought into the lies that as long as I was gay, I was unclean, and I needed to change myself or be celibate. I tried to change. I tried so hard. Those that know me well know that when I say how much I tried to not be homosexual, it brings tears to my eyes. I wanted to change. I wanted to be acceptable. I wanted to be able to be a youth minister, or an inner city youth minister in the churches of Christ.

I attended this group for two years, before I decided to leave. I mean, I love my inner child and work to focus on her, and I’ve done years of therapy to process and heal some childhood abuse. If anything, I’ve become gayer throughout this process, not less. It was at the end of my second year of graduate school that I finally decided to stop trying not to be gay.

I had also been seeing different ACU therapists since I was a freshman there. I continued doing so until right after I decided to leave that professor’s support group.

A close friend commented, “You were bloodying your hands, not eating, drinking too much, and driving erratically. But you were in therapy and a support group.” She didn’t notice how much help I was not getting until I later switched to a non-­‐ACU therapist and these behaviors started being addressed and treated.

I didn’t want to have to leave the church tradition of my youth in order to begin to stop killing myself slowly.

But I needed love, acceptance, and affirmation.

And I desperately needed to be able to live with integrity. I was exhausted and had long since grown tired of looking over my shoulder, terrified that I would be found out. I knew what churches would accept me, but I didn’t know what would feel like home. I found an Episcopal Church that welcomed me with open and loving arms, and worshipping and being there brought an unimaginable sense of peace and rest. Therefore, I began to attend this church, and though I missed my home tradition, I began to become Episcopalian to preserve my life. I was dying and I needed to keep the glimmer of faith alive before my faith -­‐ and therefore I myself -­‐ died out entirely. What I found was a church and a college group ready and waiting to catch me, allowing me to breathe and rest.

--kin Alumna, Class of ’05 Graduate Student, Class of ’13

Three.

So, here’s my story...

I first became curious about the same sex when I was in middle school (around 7th grade). I looked up pictures and videos on the internet, which developed into a habit that I’m trying to break. I hadn’t had feelings for guys up until this point. Freshman year of high school went by dreadfully slow and sophomore year brought with it some emotional problems that I’m still dealing with today. During my junior year I noticed feelings that I hadn’t experienced before. I was in the school auditorium waiting for rehearsals for our Spring musical to start and began looking around at the cast members on stage, noticing that I had a tendency to focus more on the guys. As I looked around at them I experienced a shortness of breath/feeling in the pit of my stomach that I hadn’t felt and wondered what these feelings were…attraction? Overactive hormones? I started to question my own sexuality and began to panic, thinking something was wrong with me. These same feelings resurfaced my senior year of high school, and again I began to question who I was. Whenever I started to think that these might be genuine feelings I would enter into a state of delusion and denial. After graduation I had time to explore the questions I had been asking. I slowly started to realize that I was attracted to guys. Admitting that should have made things easier, but I still had no idea what this newfound realization meant for my life. Even though I could admit this to myself, I had this overwhelming fear that others

would find out and disown me. This developed into an acute paranoia that manifested itself in me not listening to certain types of music and not watching T.V. shows that might raise questions.

I entered into my freshman year at ACU still harboring these questions and secrets. I told myself that having a physical relationship with another guy was fine, but I would only find a worthwhile, romantic relationship with a girl. As a result, I did more things with guys than I would care to admit. I was searching for my identity and continued down this path thinking I could figure things out. I realized that doing this didn’t bring me any closer to figuring out who I was, and so I stopped and promised myself that I would never let it happen again. But then the loneliness that had been encroaching on my life caused me to renege on my promise, and I continued that pursuit through my sophomore year, something that I still regret doing.

After a while, the guilt about chasing purely physical relationships set in, and I decided that I should pursue a worthwhile relationship instead. I had now opened myself up to the possibility of finding happiness with someone of the same sex, so I searched. I found several guys on campus that I was attracted to, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it for fear of outing myself/other negative reactions that might come as a result. On the flip side, I wasn’t finding girls that I was attracted to, which made me begin to question whether I really was attracted to girls or just deluding myself.

However, I was able to find someone and met her for coffee. After talking, we both decided that starting out as friends would be the best thing for us. The rest of sophomore year went by without anything major happening. I found another girl on campus that I was

attracted to and finally “But, at my most worked up enough vulnerable state courage to ask her out God (through a only to find out that she was already taken. I friend) introduced began to question if I me to a larger group was meant to be in a of friends that have relationship at all. I helped me out of searched again fall of this loneliness my junior year. I met a guy at a coffee shop and (whether they we talked for a couple realize it or not).” of hours, but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere as soon as we parted ways (an assumption he confirmed). Throughout the remainder of my second semester I tried a few more times to establish relationships with guys. Going on dates felt fairly good, but once removed from the date I began to have doubts. All of them ended within a short amount of time.

This cycle of failed attempts at relationships just added to the loneliness that I was already experiencing.

The loneliness came out of not only being single when it seemed like half of the people I knew were getting engaged, getting married, and having kids, but it also stemmed out of the loneliness that comes from not being able to talk to anyone about my attraction to guys. While I knew I wasn’t the only one on campus experiencing same sex attraction, I hadn’t found anyone that I could talk to about it. Homosexuality, surprisingly enough, wasn’t a topic of conversation that came up in any of my classes. The one time I do remember the topic coming up was in reference to an announcement about an LGBTQ group visiting campus. While students,

faculty and staff were asked to treat this group in a Christian manner, the beginning of the announcement gave an ominous sense to the occasion.

More importantly, I had no one I could talk to that was experiencing feelings I had finally accepted as part of my life. Some days, the loneliness was so painful I wasn’t sure how I could make it through another day.

There were (and still are) days when fighting back tears seemed almost impossible. Then there were other days that the loneliness turned into a bitterness and anger that consumed me. I would shove my earphones in, crank up the volume on my iPod and walk around trying to block out the world around me. I would carry myself in a way that would purposely push people away so that I had no chance of unleashing my anger on some unsuspecting person. However, I was in my most vulnerable state in those moments where I felt I was holding back anger. Instead of going off on the next person that even looked at me wrong, I realized (after the fact) that I most likely would have broken down if anyone acknowledged me.

But, at my most vulnerable state God (through a friend) introduced me to a larger group of friends that have helped me out of this loneliness (whether they realize it or not). They gave me a sense of belonging that I had been craving for so long. I finally felt at home with this group. Not only did I have a safe place to talk about my experiences, but I was now in the company of people who were going through the same feelings/questions I had been going through since my junior year of high school. The group, an extension of a larger ministry called CenterPeace, has been a godsend and a lifesaver. I thank God every day for bringing me to them at just the right time.

By the beginning of my senior year, I had come out to my best friend, my mother, the elders at my home congregation, a couple of professors/coworkers, and several other close friends. I received an overwhelmingly positive response from most of them.

Recently, another friend of mine (who I came out to just a few weeks ago) introduced me to a different group on campus. This group, just like the other, offered me a place to belong. With both of these groups, I felt like I could be my complete self. I didn’t have to hide who I was for fear of disappointing them. I felt free.

I wish I could say that since joining these groups I have been able to figure everything out. But I can’t.

However, through these experiences I have been able to find new friends that can walk with me through this period of my life and help me figure out what all of this means. At the same time, I have also been able to find out who my true friends are as a result of coming out to them. I know where I’ve been, and I know that I’m not quite where I want to be. I have no idea where this will lead me, but I’m glad that I have found people who will be there with me every step of the way.

--D. A. Student, Class of ’12

Four.

When I came to ACU, I was becoming ready to embrace my newfound identity as a gay student. In High School, I was encouraged by my friends to pursue and embrace the attraction I found exclusively toward my own gender, and I was encouraged to accept it as the single most powerful characteristic of my personal identity. I had secretly been to “pride parades” with my friends, and I was fully open to pursuing relationships with guys like me. My parents had no idea about any of this, and I honestly had no idea what to expect from them if they ever found out.

I was raised in mainstream Church of Christ congregations, and had received the unspoken message that simply feeling what I felt somehow made me a bad person. Needless to say, I would’ve felt something else if I could have. I sure tried! It would’ve helped if I could at least be attracted to a few girls in addition to all the guys…but the guys won every time.

Freshman year at ACU was interesting. I remember having at least 3 VERY strong crushes on the guys I found myself around. I wrote them anonymous letters, gave them special looks, and I even drew pictures of guys holding hands on my notebook as they sat next to me in class. You can imagine my disappointment when I slowly found out that every single one of those guys had no interest in guys. In those moments of desperation, I wanted to be with them so incredibly bad. I even found myself wishing I was them…wishing I could adopt their identity as a replacement for my own.

All I knew was that I needed something that I wasn’t getting, and everything in me cried out for it. In that

moment, I thought all I needed was a relationship with a guy, and that it would make my life complete.

At that point, I hadn’t heard a single voice on campus reach out to help, comfort, or befriend someone like me. Sure, I could’ve gone to the counseling center, but that was way too far outside of my comfort zone. Either way, I had to tell someone, so I decided it would be better if I just told some of my new ACU friends instead.

I was shocked that none of them actually reacted negatively. In fact, I received overwhelming love and unconditional support, at least…initially. However, over time most of my friends actually seemed to forget what I’d told them, which is nice in a sense, except that I desperately needed someone to walk with me through it all. So I spent the next two years continuing my search for what would satisfy that deep ache within me, that thing that I knew would make me feel fully alive and complete.

During my junior year, I finally got so sick of feeling so torn by my attractions that I decided to do something a little dramatic. I was becoming deeply convicted in my own Christian spirituality for the first time in my life and I knew a change was coming. As corny as it sounds, I fell in love with the concept of “love”. The concept of becoming a living sacrifice for others became something I decided to dedicate my life to. So I found myself helping other people I came in contact with, whether that was by doing the dishes or by doing a service project. It was at that point I decided to go a step further and essentially sacrifice my sexuality to God, as I was so incredibly sick of worrying about it, realizing and accepting that the singleness (celibacy) Paul spoke about would be the inevitable course of my life.

That same semester, a well-­‐respected teacher was speaking in chapel, and he said something that would change my life. In his talk, he said that we should be concerned with the fact that “we have friends all around us who are experiencing same-­‐sex attraction, and NONE of us are helping them.”

When he said that, I knew two things…I knew I couldn’t just wallow around in my own indecision anymore, and I also knew I had at least one safe person to talk to…someone who would walk with me over the long run.

After a few heartfelt conversations with him, he also led me to a group of students who were like me. They got it! They knew EXACTLY what I was going through on a day-­‐to-­‐day basis, and were willing to help me through it all. Needless to say, I was instantly addicted.

I didn’t know what it was, but something inside me was slowly filling with joy. Of course, my attraction to guys never left, it was there the whole time, and it still is…but something had changed. My perspective changed, and my needs for friendship, love and support were being met. This group met under the label of “CenterPeace” and I would not be the man I am today without the lifelong friends I’ve made through the years with them. I’ve never met such sweet people in my life, and I’ve never felt more at home than when I am with them.

Today, I am very happily married, and I’m proud to call my sweet wife the love of my life. The best part is that my wife has always known about my attraction to

“Of course, my attraction to guys never left, it was there the whole time, and it still is…but something had changed.”

guys, and she is the one “I can’t explain it, that sought me out! While except perhaps that marriage is great, it didn’t God is trying to “fix” or “prove” anything necessarily, as my teach me something attraction to guys is still through it all… very much a part of my something that is daily experience. But now bigger than our I thank God that I have a cultural definitions community of people who love and support me, and and stereotypes.” help me walk through whatever comes my way, including my attraction to guys.

Obviously, I can’t say that changes in attraction are possible for everyone, as I can only speak from my own experience, but in my own experience, my attractions have indeed changed over time. To my surprise, I became very attracted to the girl who eventually became my wife, and that has nothing to do my efforts to force a change in myself, as all my previous attempts at that were laughably ineffective. I can’t explain it, except perhaps that God is trying to teach me something through it all…something that is bigger than our cultural definitions and stereotypes.

Everyday we experience many passions and desires we choose to not pursue, for a wide variety of reasons, and my attraction to my own gender is simply one of them. Ironically, it wasn’t until I gave up my sexuality (and every other part of myself) to God that I realized that God, who adores me as a father loves his precious child, actually knows how to meet my desires better than I ever could on my own. I’m so honored that the God of the universe invited me to grasp his hand,

become a living sacrifice, and blindly trust him as he leads me one step at a time…and that relationship is what has satisfied even the deepest of my desires.

I’m married to a woman and I experience overwhelming attraction to guys on a daily basis and believe it or not…I am very happy. I’d like Hollywood to make a movie about THAT.

--Anonymous Recent Alumnus

Five.

High School presents itself to many people as the most confusing time in life, especially in my case. For most of my life, I grew up in a city of diversity. This was extremely important when it came to developing my worldview and realizing the importance of tolerance.

My mom was a single mom working two jobs to support her four children. As I was entering middle school, however, she married the man who was supposed to fix everything. I firmly believed that there wasn’t anything to fix, but they disagreed. We began attending church for the first time in my life, and he slowly turned our family into the epitome of a stereotypical conservative household. Following suit with this new ideology, we moved out of the city to a small town south of where I had grown up. This was a bigger culture shock than I ever could have imagined, and my surroundings suddenly began trying to force me into a box that I would never fit inside of.

The people of this town wanted you to become the perfect little country person and fit into whatever gender role was prescribed to you. My whole life, I had been playing in the dirt with trucks instead of dolls: your everyday tomboy. I broke a plethora of their social norms, but at a cost. It was a daily struggle for me, and eventually I gave in. I just wanted to fit in like everyone else. Yet just when I had decided to squeeze into this box, however much it hurt, I began changing on the inside, maturing. I started having feelings I couldn’t explain to myself, let alone anyone else. I began to realize I was more attracted to my best friends than to the guys my friends were talking about. When these

feelings emerged, I automatically tried to hide them by over involving myself in meaningless relationships with men.

I slowly learned that these feelings weren’t going away, so I began doing what I did best: research. I was already involved in competitive academics, where we talked about politics and the rights of all sorts of different groups. On the team, we were basically split down the middle when it came to most ideologies. From the beginning, I was an advocate for equality, but of course I couldn’t really understand inequality, I was “normal.” I looked into studies that have tied homosexuality to genetics and family relations, basically anything I could get my hands on. Everything I read confirmed my suspicions about being a lesbian, yet I still ran from it, even making jokes to my friends like, “ I could never be a lesbian, women are too complicated.”

In the middle of my journey, my life was turned upside I down. My stepfather kicked me out of the house for being different and for putting stress on his relationship with my mother. When this happened, I was forced to move in with my sister and her husband (the only people who would take me), to an even smaller town with a population of 2,500. Now I can sit back and say that this is the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the time I thought I might die.

This change on top of my ongoing struggles and emotional turmoil lead me into a deep and dark depression. I hated myself and everything about me.

“I broke a plethora of their social norms, but at a cost. It was a daily struggle for me, and eventually I gave in.”

Why couldn’t I be normal? Why couldn’t I give in, date the right people, and make my stepfather happy? Why was I in love with my best friend? These were questions that haunted my every waking moment. My sister saw the external evidence of my self-­‐destruction and forced me to get help, but this was only a band-­‐aid. I still hated who I was.

Senior year is when things really began to change.

One night during a school trip, the girl I was sharing a room with expressed that she had feelings for me. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was so shocked and completely confused. Over the course of the year, we had become close and were extremely good friends, so it seemed easy. We began to explore our feelings in secret, but we were both convinced that we were straight and denied all suggestions to the contrary, even to each other. This was just a phase we were in. Eventually over the course of that year, things fell apart. After all it was high school. When it came time to select a college, I was looking for a new home, a place that would make me “better” in everyone else’s eyes. And since I also wished to continue with debate, ACU presented the opportunity to do just that.

Entering my dorm and meeting new people on the day of Welcome Week, I instantly knew that I would have to jump through hoops all over again just to fit in.

That first semester I forced myself so deep into religion: all I did was school, work, and church.

Everything was good on the outside; I was living the stereotypical life of a freshman girl at ACU, telling everyone I was on a Jesus break from dating. I even got a tattoo of a bible verse that semester, further proving to myself and everyone else that I could be a “good” Christian. The whole time, I worked towards hiding my

feelings for other women. I adjusted my shower schedule around the other girls, forcing myself to stay up until 3 a.m. or wake up at 5 a.m. I would walk with my head down so I couldn’t tempt myself. It wasn’t till my first semester of classes ended that the real world hit. I stayed at a friend’s apartment over break so I could work because I was getting a promotion.

Six weeks of nothing but work to look forward to lets you really evaluate your life. I had a few friends who were also in Abilene over the break to help me, but nothing like when I was staying in the dorm. In the span of one week, I received devastating medical news, found myself in two minor car accidents, and lost my grandfather to cancer. This was the last straw. I couldn’t keep hating myself on top of everything else; I was a strong, intelligent young woman and nothing was going to hold me back. Over the course of the break, I had grown very close to one particular friend, and he was openly gay. We had long discussions and shared stories, stories that allowed me to slowly bring those feelings to the surface again. It allowed me a discursive space where he wouldn’t judge me and I could accept myself. One night we went out and I let myself explore that option again. When this happened I finally let myself say it, I am a Lesbian and I can’t change it. These feelings for other women are real and are the most fulfilling things I have ever experienced. No longer was I going to hide in shame.

Coming back to school was the hardest thing I ever could have imagined. I was different now and I was proud of it. Living in the dorms was even harder now, and I forced myself to spend as much time away as possible. My extracurriculars were getting to an intense stage with nationals quickly approaching while my new

debate partner and I tried to figure out how to work together as a team. In February, I cut my hair the way I had always wanted to, and all of the sudden I was being treated differently. People would whisper behind my back; some even openly persecuted me, telling me I needed help. Others were more understanding, but it couldn’t undo all the negative reinforcement. Some of my closest friends and professors even treated me differently after I told them, labeling it an issue and a problem, as if it could be fixed. I was being torn down emotionally by things said in class and chapel. No one understands the pain you feel when it’s you they are talking about.

Some people at ACU were more than accommodating and even went out of their way to help create a more comfortable place for me here by allowing me to change dorms for a private room, but the negativity was hitting harder and closer to home.

The “old” ACU wasn’t changing and neither was the mindset. I considered transferring in April but was talked out of it. I forced myself to settle and be happy with it because I could make a difference.

This is what I tried to believe until a sponsor on one of my school trips made it clear that my “problem” was not to be discussed with the team, that no one needed to know, when in fact majority of the team already did know. This was the environment I was volunteering myself to for the next three years? Why? I was going to force myself to stay in a place that openly discriminates against me and holds views that differ from mine in almost every single way? Why? I couldn’t do it, I could no longer let myself live in this toxic environment that forced me to ignore my personal beliefs, even wear my hair a certain way just to fit in. This is when I decided

to leave ACU before my bitterness consumed me; for without the community here, I wouldn’t have found my identity.

My last interaction with this sponsor made it clear to me that I had made the right decision for myself to transfer. When I sent this professor an email to explain that I would not be returning in the fall, along with a list of reasons why, this professor requested to talk to me, and because of our relationship I agreed. This conversation turned into a 45-­‐minute bible lecture where the professor described my orientation as a sin and compared it to murder and told me that it was going to be the death me. These words burned me so deeply I will never forget them, because this person honestly believed these hateful things and thought they were doing God’s work with their hurtful words. Until people like this realize that hatred will never be a solution, ACU is a dangerous place. All the good anyone does can easily be undone in the matter of a few minutes. No one should ever have to go through that, and it should be stopped. College is a place to thrive and develop into who you are as an individual, not to be mashed into a “one-­‐size-­‐fits-­‐all” mold.

Epilogue: My experience at UNT.

Since removing myself from the hostile environment that is fostered by ACU, I have been able to further explore my own identity. The moment I allowed myself to explore my own thoughts I threw myself into intense research, specifically regarding trans* issues. While attending ACU I had the pleasure of meeting a transman for the first time. Upon meeting him my life was instantly sent to a place where everything was once again confusing and I had no solid understanding of gender. About this time I had just accepted the fact that I was attracted to women. Now I was asking, “am I a boy?” While researching the science behind trans* identities I found a multitude of documentaries and articles to explore, but the most helpful and most “real” resource turned out to be on YouTube. There are thousands of videos documenting transitions of different trans* identified people, from FTM (female to male), to genderqueer, to MTF (male to female).

I was able to connect to these videos, sharing experiences with the majority of the stories. Prior to this exposure to transgender individuals, I had never even considered the possibility of a trans* identity. Yet I now see that there is no part of me that ever identified as a woman. Growing up I was always hearing from people that I was “not acting like a lady” but instead “behaving like a little boy.” My childhood friends treated me like I was another guy, as if there was no significant difference between the person I was and my male counterparts. Most of the time, I could just be one of the guys, but in certain situations (such as when I was required to dress formally or when I was being labeled by someone else), social standards forced a

female identity upon me. Middle school was the first time this really came into play. My entire life I was noticeably smaller than my peers, so much so that it caused concern among the adults around me. When it became evident that I was not growing and my body was not moving at the rate it should, we began a journey to understand the phenomena with the assistance of an endocrinologist. Through this we discovered there was a medical reason for my short stature that continued to hold me back. Doctor’s appointments added complications to life as they constantly kept me out of school. The endocrinologist ran test after test trying to put a name to my condition.

One doctor in particular was concerned that I might have Turners syndrome, which is a genetic abnormality that can occur in one of the X chromosomes of biological females. For a brief moment, I thought I had an answer to why I wasn’t a normal girl. However, after eight weeks of some lab growing my DNA and analyzing my chromosomes I found out I did not have that syndrome, there were in fact two XX’s right where they should be. Tests did reveal, however, that I had a growth hormone deficiency.

In order to aid my body I began taking growth hormone shots six days a week, pushing my body to catch up with my age; something I was not ready for on any level. I instantly started experiencing changes that I couldn’t explain, changes I did not want. I started growing taller, but I also started growing breasts and having feelings that scared me. I hated that I was losing my flat chest; I tried denying it and refused to wear a bra as long as possible. These physical changes caused me to hide my body under layers of clothing. Nothing I tried was completely effective; the rate that my body

was growing made it “I broke down physically painful and and allowed more difficult to hide. I was myself to say, ‘I successful for the most part in hiding the true size think I am a of my chest until it came to transman.’ formal events where Verbalizing this exposure was nearly lifted an even unpreventable. This feeling bigger weight off of shame was something that was incredibly difficult my shoulders for me to understand. I was than accepting a female. I should be my sexuality.” excited to be drawing attention, right? I continued to struggle with this in silence, as I had no basic understanding behind why this was happening. This struggle became intertwined with my journey to understand my sexuality.

Until recently I was unable to separate theses essential and very different struggles. The more I looked into the idea of gender, the more my own identity blurred. After reaching a point where I was able to understand a little more of the concept of gender being on a spectrum instead of a checked box, I identified as genderqueer. Genderqueer is a name for people who identify in the middle of the spectrum of female and male, basically rejecting the concept of gender as a binary. When I did this I began binding (the act of restricting or contouring my chest in order for it to appear flat and more masculine). The moment I put on my binder and looked in my mirror I smiled and felt more comfortable in my body than ever before. That feeling was similar to how I felt prior to taking growth hormones. When wearing my binder in public, people

"sir-­‐ed” me more often and read me as a man. Instead of being upset by this, it actually excited me! I was thrilled to be treated this way and felt like it was correct. After having this happen more and more, I began to be somewhat offended when someone referred to me in a female way or used female pronouns. One night while I was sitting with my girlfriend, I broke down and allowed myself to say, “I think I am a transman.” Verbalizing this lifted an even bigger weight off my shoulders than accepting my sexuality. By this time I had already picked out a new name, and when I came out to my friends it was almost as if they already knew.

My social transition to being a transman at UNT was much easier than my transition to being an uncloseted lesbian at ACU. At UNT, I was welcomed, and people were willing to understand that this is simply a part of who I am. I have since begun taking steps toward a medical transition that will allow me to finally be on the outside the person that I have always been on the inside. These steps in self-­‐discovery only become a possibility when I found an open and accepting atmosphere. Having the freedom to experiment and push these normalized boundaries within an institution of higher education allows for an individual to make informed logical choices while protecting the mental and emotional side of who they are as a person.

--Alexander III Former Student, ACU Current Student, UNT

Six. I walked into the gym. I can’t believe my dad is making me play basketball! He didn’t even ask me about it! He is so insensitive. I don’t know how to play basketball! I’m going to look so stupid in these uniforms because I’m so fat! How dare he surprise me like this? And I’m late to the first practice because he didn’t tell me about it until this morning! Look, they’re already running up and down the gym. I don’t know the first thing about bask….who is that and why can’t I stop looking at his legs? *** Mom, what’s a lez-­‐been? Everyone at school is calling this one girl a lez-­‐been and I don’t know what it means. Why can’t you tell me now? None of the other kids are older than me and they all know! *** I have no idea what is going on. I am so confused.

We’re back from the away game, and I’m putting my stuff in my locker, and all of a sudden there’s only two people in the locker room. The other guy comes up to me, and I can’t breathe. It’s like there’s a pillow on my face and someone reached inside my chest, grabbed my heart, and is squeezing as hard as they can. “I’ll give you twenty bucks to suck my dick,” he says. My mind basically shorts out; every single cell in my body is screaming at me to do it, do it, it’ll be so awesome, it’ll feel so good, you want this! Every part of my brain is screaming back, no no no no no not that not that that’s not okay it’s not okay! I don’t even have time to process that he’s offering money before my self-­‐preservation

kicks in and my mouth says “Funny joke, loser” and I’m out of there. *** One-­‐Act Play is performing right now.

This is a really, really bad production. I have no idea what is going on.

Someone died? There were drugs? Wait, what’s gay mean? And I don’t think you’re using the word “aids” correctly, that means someone is helping you. *** You know, my grandparents are cool

and all, but not having Internet suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

And I finished my book. And my Game Boy is dead. I guess I’ll look through Grandpa’s shelf. Ugh, they’re all old people books. Wait, this one is called “The Unhappy Gays”. I still haven’t figured out what “gay” means.

Hmm…oh. Oh. That’s what’s been happening to me?

How do these people have sex? Oh, it talks about that in chapter three, hold on…what? They do what? That’s gross! How does that even…oh, God. This is awful. I can’t grow up to be this. Gay people are all predators?

Rapists? Child abusers? I have to get out of this somehow. *** Dad found my journal. Well, “found”. I was the one stupid enough to write it on the family computer.

“‘We’re here because your personality, what we call your “psyche”, has been fragmented. You’re supposed to have one seamless psyche, but yours is in a hundred little pieces that are all fighting with each other. That’s why you struggle with these feelings.’”

Doing really, really, abysmally stupid things: 1, Me: 0.

They’re not kicking me out, that’s good. But I have to see a therapist. Okay, that’s fine. A therapist will know how to fix me, right? Right. Winning. *** “We’re here because your personality, what we call your ‘psyche’, has been fragmented. You’re supposed to have one seamless psyche, but yours is in a hundred little pieces that are all fighting with each other. That’s why you struggle with these feelings.” *** Dear God, I’m back again. I’ve asked this a hundred times, but I know that You have a plan, and You’re waiting for the right time to take this away from me.

Every church camp I’ve ever been to, half the sermons I’ve ever heard, say that if you put your burden on Jesus, He’ll take it away. Here you go. I can’t do this on my own. Please take this from me. I cannot handle this.

I don’t want to be gay anymore. I don’t want to be so in love with my best friend that every time he looks at a girl, it feels like he punched me in the face. I don’t want to feel so alone at school all the time. I don’t want to lie to everyone I know. This is too much for me, I can’t handle it. Please work Your power in my life. Amen. *** High school. I am so good at this. I got a scholarship, I’m making a ton of money at work, everything is awesome. So why exactly do I spend every night torturing myself, trying not to think about how good my best friend looked in those jeans today, or how much I really, really want my world history teacher to give me a “detention”? WRONG THOUGHTS ARE WRONG. My parents spend $95 a week on a therapist so I can stop doing this, and have for the last five years.

THAT IS SO MUCH MONEY. What is wrong with me, why am I so ungrateful? Why haven’t I figured out how to not be gay in five years of therapy? Why would five years of prayer go unanswered? *** Jesus. This is crazy. For the first time in my life, I’m around people who aren’t Christians. I’m living on a bus, driving all over the country, and I’m surrounded by heathens, atheists, and other awful people. But they all know I’m gay…and none of them care. I mean, plenty of people are mean to me, but they’re mean to me because I screwed up the drill, or I played during a rest, or I can’t keep up with the tempo, or my suitcase exploded under the bus. No one cares that I’m gay. This is awesome. *** OMG COLLEGE! COLLEGE! I AM SO EXCITED! MUSIC CLASSES! A BAND THAT ISN’T MADE OF TOTAL SUCK! MY VERY THOUGHTS ARE IN CAPS BECAUSE ACU IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME!!! *** Wow, everyone here is so hateful. I haven’t heard this much anti-­‐gay rhetoric since I was in high school.

Good thing I decided not to be out here. It really sucks having to pretend to be something I’m not, when I finally decided I was okay with who I was. *** I hate this place. I’m no stranger to unrequited love, I’ve had plenty of silent crushes, that’s not new. But ACU is the first place I’ve had a crush on someone who would flat out say how much he hates gay people and wishes they would all go to hell. ***

You know what? Screw ACU. I’m coming out, and I don’t care who isn’t friends with me anymore. I’m not going to make a scene, because I don’t need anyone else’s opinion. I’m just putting it on Facebook and telling my friends. There. Bring it, ACU. *** Today, I am a teacher. Today, I am a friend. Today, I have an absurd amount of knowledge about stupid video games. Today, I am gay. Today, I am doing what I love, what I spent the last four and a half years learning how to do, and getting paid for it. Today, I am single, because I choose to be, because I deserve to have someone that wants me for who I am. Today, I am not ashamed of myself. Today, I am not alone. Today, I am not so sensitive to what everyone else in the world thinks that I can’t move. Today, I am happy, despite eleven years of being told I’m wrong, I’m broken, I need to change, if I prayed hard enough I could do it, I’ll never be hired as a teacher if I stay like this. They were wrong. I was made in the image of God, exactly as I was intended to be, and I am celebrating what I am, now and forever.

Epilogue: What’s it like, being gay and out at ACU?

First of all, that is an extremely simple question with an extremely complex answer. I can’t speak for every gay person at ACU. I can only speak for myself.

My journey to self-­‐acceptance at ACU had a few major chapters. The first could be titled “In Which I Knew I Was Gay, But Hid It From Everyone Because I Was Afraid of Being Rejected”, especially if my life was an A. A. Milne story. My freshman and sophomore years, I knew that I was gay and believed that there was nothing wrong with that, but I also knew that many, many people would disagree and I would face a lot of hostility and rejection, not to mention evangelism and proselytism.

This wasn’t necessarily awful, but I did spend a lot of time feeling lonely, and I had to go to ridiculous measures to keep track of who knew what and what was safe to say to whom. It was exhausting and depressing.

Chapter Two, which we could cleverly title “In Which Our Hero Decides to Stop Lying To Everyone Except By Omission”, marks the section where I decided that I was tired of hiding everything about myself. I changed my facebook settings to read “Interested in: Men” and “Looking for: A Relationship”.

I then deleted the facebook notifications so that no one would see these changes unless they were looking.

From that day onward, I vowed that if someone asked me if I was gay I would say yes.

However, at this point I still believed that other people’s sensitivities were more important than my

own, so I never brought “It is never okay for my sexuality up me to make myself voluntarily, and only LESS because of commented on the issue if directly asked. So I someone else’s was being “open”, but fears. And that is not really true to who I exactly what I told was. that scared During Welcome freshman to do.”

Week of my junior year, all of that changed. I was a desk worker in a freshman boy’s dorm, and during one of my shifts I received the following facebook message:

omg how can u be out at acu, im terrified, cant u get expelled? please enlighten me as to cope with this detail at acu, as if i cant i will have to transfer next year. Thanx

Being an experienced upperclassman, I composed a reply that essentially said “Well, it’s okay to be gay as long as you don’t ever actually act like it.” I’m ashamed to say I actually told him “don’t be a flamer”. I sent the message, convinced I had done my good deed for the day, and went about my business. However, I began to feel uncomfortable about what I had said. I went back and read through my message more than once, and each time I felt more and more uneasy. It took me years to fully articulate just how fundamentally wrong the advice I had given was.

When you let the beliefs of other force you to diminish and limit yourself, you tacitly support hatred and oppression, you deny your own validity as a

person, and you prevent your own personal growth. A common way people hide their fears of GLBT individuals is by saying “I don’t mind if people are gay, as long as they don’t act gay around me.” That sounds like a statement of acceptance, but in reality it is just another way of saying “as long as you stay inside my little box, I won’t let you know that your existence terrifies me.” It is never okay for me to make myself LESS because of someone else’s fears. And that is exactly what I told that scared freshman to do.

So once I made that connection, I started living my life that way. I bought a rainbow wristband and wore it every day. I would flirt with guys I thought were cute. I wore t-­‐shirts declaring what I was. Because I did so at the end of my college career, I had a community of friends who were supportive of me and I did not have to endure the kind of hostility I had feared for a long time. And honestly, despite the looks I received, and the new freshmen who would avoid me, it was totally worth it.

--Mr. Cellophane Alumnus, Class of ’10

So Now What?

End the silence.

End the shouting.

Listen to the voiceless, and let your voice be heard!

Here’s what you can do:

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