Peace by Piece

THE SILENT TREATMENT – THE ART OF LISTENING HARD

written by Stephanie Fincher

“Please, just listen – hear me out.” How many times has this routine phrase rolled over our weary tongues? Or better yet, how many times has it been aimed directly at us? We know what the phrase means, but what does it really imply? In the various conversations within a given week, do we truly listen? Aside from straightforward hearing, real listening is an understanding or grasping. At times it moves deeper into empathy where tender comfort and sensitivity dwell.

Most of us know at least one person who is a good listener. They are the ones we call to vent a frustration or to seek the proverbial (yet reliable) shoulder to cry on. They “get us” even if they really don’t. Their genuine care for us is always perceptible when we share our burdens, and we trust their words of simple encouragement or discerning truth. Sometimes that truth may sting a bit, yet we know it is good. Proverbs 27:6 affirms it – Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. (NASB) Through such “wounds,” we eventually see the sweetness of Proverbs 25:11 — Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. (NASB)

So, what about you? Are others inclined to pursue your companionship when they need to bend an ear? Sadly, we often know a person we don’t seek sympathy from because their woes are perpetually far worse than anyone’s, and they are eager to share the reminder. They are unhappy with life in general and, when something good does happen to them, they are quick to point out the “wrong” side of it with their skeptical searchlight. At the opposite end of the spectrum is the person on pins and needles who can hardly wait for you to stop talking because “the funniest (craziest, best….) thing happened today.” Dear friend, please don’t be either of these people. Neither one embodies the traits of a sincere listener, and neither does little to enrich the lives they wish to “counsel.” We won’t be too hard on them, though, since we’ve all had missteps along the way. Each day is a fresh opportunity to lean in and learn to listen hard. How do you do that? Glad you asked!

Scripture itself is laced with heaps of counsel in Proverbs regarding hasty words that spell trouble if left uncontrolled. Families have borne the painful fruit of such negligence, some of which is sadly irreparable. In James chapter 1, we are exhorted to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,” but oh, how easy it is to reverse it – to be quick to speak, quick to become angry, and slow to listen. It reminds me of a popular TV talk show host who often asks his guests, “How is that working for you?” Even if you consider yourself a verbally bold person, God’s call to a new approach is not a request to change your personality since He is the One who gave it to you! On the contrary, when managed appropriately according to His principles, your energy and zest can diffuse tension and bring a brightness to situations that others cannot. And if you’re the quieter type, your calm demeanor combined with the counsel of God’s Word can be just as reassuring. In any instance, take care not to misuse silence in a manipulative manner which will only hinder progress and is not God-honoring.

If you need help getting started, the general tips below are steps we can all put into practice today and keep as a reference in our relationship toolbox! Keep in mind that situations and people are vastly different, so be sure to seek the guidebook of God’s Word and sound, reputable counsel to address additional or deeper concerns.

And now for your listening pleasure…these are not new concepts I’ve listed, but the Bible does say we need to be re-newed every day according to Romans 12:2, so pin these on your heart to establish positive patterns.

1. Resist the urge to interrupt while someone is speaking and wait before responding to be sure they are finished. When interrupted, people with passive personalities may not tell you they have more to say and will quickly shut down from being “talked over” and feeling unheard. Maintaining your silence can be challenging at times, but the benefits for relationship growth can be life-changing for both of you. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 and Proverbs 10:19)

2. As appropriate, repeat back what someone has said (kindly and in your own words) and ask if you have understood correctly. This may avoid costly misunderstandings and faulty assumptions. (Proverbs 21:23)

3. If the conversation addresses something troubling that you have said or done (whether intentional or not), resist a defensive posture or immediate explanation of your actions. Warning: This is extremely difficult. Instead, try to hear (understand) how it might have been offensive. You cannot control someone’s perception of a situation, but you can slowly gain favor by avoiding a list of “whys” and justifications for your behavior. And if you really want to turn the tide in a new direction, humbly apologize that it was received in a particular way. (I double dare you to do that with each opportunity and see what God will do with it - I have experienced amazing results myself!)

4. Understand that some conversations may need to be briefly deferred if you are angry, overtired, or hungry. Address these issues as promptly as possible for a clearer head and healthier dialogue. Take care to consider scripture’s guidance in not going to bed angry (Ephesians 4:26). You may not solve it all by bedtime, but you can peacefully agree to a later conversation, meditate on Psalm 46:10¹, take a deep breath, and go to bed.

5. When responding, S-L-O-W down your talking speed. Not only does this give your brain time to think as you speak and convey calm self-control, it also allows the hearer to process your message a little better. We live in a supercharged world, so no need to add to the chaos.

And here’s a bonus tip: Be graciously succinct in your responses. Attention spans are short these days, so try to eliminate detail that will compete with the general point.

Listening hard is really not so hard when put into perspective. Reflecting on the unsettling challenges propelled by a sweeping pandemic, social unrest, and ongoing hardships that changed our “normal” caused many to rethink what and who truly matters to them. May we not dismiss what we’ve learned by fading into comfortable old habits. Living well includes listening well, and like all worthy goals, it takes persistence and practice. The world is busy talking all around us, but is anyone busy listening? Oh yes, that’s a call for each one of us now – engaging our ears and putting a new spin on the silent treatment! (Did you hear that?)

¹Be still and know that I am God. (NIV)