Three Strands - Cindy Southworth

Three Strands

MOTHERLESS: A JOURNEY TO WHOLENESS

written by Cindy Southworth

There is a calm after the emotional storm, and I realize I was only trying to connect with the only mother I ever knew.

Was there ever a time when I felt the love and protection of my mom? It’s difficult to recall. Mental illness claimed my mother when I was eleven years old. From age eleven I witnessed her living in the shadow of schizophrenia, and my memories are of her in bed or lashing out in angry fits of rage. She was admitted into a nursing home at the age of forty-five and remained there until her death at age seventy-six.

As a teenager, I did not realize I was missing anything. Those years were spent trying to shed any control parents had over me, so living life without Mom seemed freeing. It wasn’t until I experienced the pain of relationship rejection at nineteen that I realized there was no one to call — no one who really understood my emotional DNA.

A few years later I was standing in my wedding dress waiting for the photographer, when I realized she wouldn’t be there to place my veil on my head and give me those last remarks a mother whispers to you just before you say, “I do!”

It was when I was lying in a recovery room being handed my gorgeous, wiggly, bundle of joy that I realized she wouldn’t be waiting outside to be the first to hold him or fighting with the nurse to get into the recovery room.

It was when I was writhing in pain from the removal of four wisdom teeth, with two little boys jumping on my bed that I realized she wasn’t coming over to take them so I could rest.

It was when I was emotionally lost when my husband left for the summer to “find himself” that I picked up the phone repeatedly to dial her, but there was no number to dial.

It was when I was devastated during my divorce and had no mother to hold my hand or tell me that life would get better and that I could raise these kids and not become homeless.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (II Cor. 12:9 NIV)

Until my thirties, I was an emotional wreck. Through therapy and God’s grace, I began to understand what was missing from my life — a presence that most people take for granted. They take it for granted because they aren’t missing it. She’s a lovely, feisty person who will chew you out if you make one more bad decision. She sits in the car as you walk into school for the first time — kindergarten, elementary, middle, high school, and college - and cries as if she just lost her best friend. She’s the one who says, “Sure I’ll send that to you,” and gives up her personal piggy bank. She will go cross country with her last dollar to make sure you are eating well and that no one is hurting her baby. She’s the individual that is still there when the rest of the world turns their back on you.

How do I know what I missed? Because I am that mother.

It became evident that I had two choices. I could continue living the victim mentality for what I was missing, or I could have a dogged determination to accept God’s unconditional love in my life and let Him pour His love through me so I could give wholeheartedly to my children. His love and strength superseded any love I thought was missing from my life, and helped me accomplish more than I could ask or imagine. During this process, God graciously brought two “mother figures” into my life, two Godly women who made the journey with me. They modeled a mother’s love for me. They made themselves available to love me

during life’s trials, to challenge me if I made a bad decision, and reminded me of who my Savior truly is. As I was willing to accept their love into my life, the mother-void in me grew smaller.

God will truly restore what is missing if you ask Him, just as the apostle Paul states in Phil. 4:19: You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. (Msg)

Occasionally, that void reopens. Thank goodness it is a rare occasion, but a situation sometimes occurs where I feel completely alone. I find myself going into an internal blind rage and it seems the world is coming to an end. Then there is the calm after the emotional storm, and I realize I was only trying to connect with the only mother I ever knew. For a brief moment, she was with me — rage and all. And then a peace comes over me, knowing that she is with God now, and it would be better for me to connect with His peace than her rage. He is the only one who can truly fill that void. Then I am whole again.

Cindy Jacob Southworth has an M.S. in Counseling Studies, is an AACC Certified Relationship Coach and John Maxwell certified coach. She and her husband David have been in full-time marriage ministry since 2005 and pioneered the Marriage 911 intensive and women’s BreakThrough retreats. They have also developed the UP Leadership program, that prepares couples for marriage ministry. Cindy serves on the Leadership Team of Women World Leaders. Recently retired in central Florida, they devote their time now to writing and developing leaders for ministry and enjoying their nine grandchildren. You can learn more about them by watching their story at https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=-qaX-MBxUyE&t=11s.