A Beautiful Mess

BY JESSICA PRUKNER

God is faithful and always guides our paths.

Every summer, I set aside time to reflect on the past school year and think about the school year to come. I take an inventory of where my kids did well and saw measurable success and where they may have struggled and had some difficulties.

There are many areas I consider inspecting when weighing these successes and difficulties. As their mom and teacher, I am not just worried about their brains when it comes to learning and education, but also their well-being as whole people. I take into consideration their overall health, including mental health, emotional health, social life, and spiritual life.

Since each of my kids is vastly different, they require different forms of learning, social outlets, health needs, mental health needs, and direction in their spiritual lives. When I write out my three kids’ names and multiply all these areas of specificity, it is exhausting to think I have managed to guide them in the right direction all these years. Thankfully, early on I found my saving grace in including God in all my concerns and praying for direction for their lives and their upcoming years. God is faithful and always guides our paths.

As I approach my tenth year teaching my kids, I am in awe as I go down memory lane and the paths we have taken together. It hasn’t always been easy; some days were downright awful, messy, and exhausting, while many other days I will remember with a smile on my face for the rest of my life. Along this almost decade-long journey, I found a quote that has proven true in my life. Lisa T. Shepherd said, “In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul.”

This quote resonated with me when I read it.

Looking back, there were definitely days I felt like I was losing my mind, and there were even some days I felt like I was losing my sense of who I was as I watched my days fly by before my eyes. Wake up, do chores, teach, clean, sleep, repeat. But this year, while sitting alone looking out into the ocean, I see things clearly. Although I may have felt like I was losing my mind through all these years raising and homeschooling my kids, I found so much more. In the struggle of helping my kids discover who they were in Christ, how they learned, and how they should show up to the world, behave, and act, I discovered so much about myself.

I have learned how to be healthier while helping my son with his autoimmune challenges. I have discovered how to overcome my own personal issues and weaknesses in the areas of mental health while I navigated the waters for my daughter toward her own personal healing. I have identified how to be better at kindness, patience, and loving others while teaching my kids how to respond to bullies and drama with their teenage friends. I have learned what true faith is when having to completely trust God with my kids and their safety as they leave me and go on bikes, jet skis, golf carts, airplanes, buses, and cars and zoom off without me with them. I have truly discovered my authentic self while holding my kids’ hands as they have found who they are meant to be.

With the light at the end of my homeschooling tunnel coming into view as my kids are all teenagers, this season is bittersweet. I am relishing all the moments now as the years seem to grow short. I enjoy the moments in my kitchen when it’s late at night, even bedtime, but they decide to make a second dinner and talk their hearts out about their days. I appreciate the “tea time” moments on my girls’ beds. I savor the times my son still grabs to hold my hand while we are walking, knowing one day it will be the last time.

I have always viewed my “job” as a homeschooling stay-at-home mom as a calling and privilege from God. Even on days when opportunities to work elsewhere seemed shiny and appealing, I always knew deep down in my heart this was my calling. I believe that one day when I am old and gray and God calls me home, He will tell me that my greatest accomplishment was dedicating my life to raising my three kids to be world changers in a world where evil seemed to prevail and everything seemed to be upside down and backward. I am thankful for these years, this opportunity, and this life. What’s the big deal if I lost my mind? I would trade my soul for my mind any day, and so far, it’s all been so worth it.