The Boys At School: A 501 Hotties Story

By Marlowe Ryan

“BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE!”

Paloma Mebarak sat in the nurse’s office, kicking her one unbandaged leg and scheming on how to get a blue Gatorade. Through the thin walls, she could hear the remaining cheerleaders of Righteous Hand Elementary trying to hype themselves up after a failed pyramid sent her and three other girls tumbling. They had been told not to attempt one, but they saw the high school cheerleaders do it, and, more than anything, they wanted to be like the high school girls.

Of course, Paloma was no stranger to the nurse’s office. Between the neverending games of Caveman and feigning illness whenever she realized she forgot her homework, Nurse Gracie told her she was going to put a poster of her on the wall, telling teachers not to send her here anymore. “How do I know you’re not just here for the candy?” she would tease every time, but Paloma’s anxiety could mimic a fever every time she needed it to...at least she thought.

This time, though, Gracie knew it was serious. As she was rushing around, tending to four on-and-off crying children, two more came barreling in. She could hear Gracie address them: “Nicholas, Lynette, what on earth happened to you two?”

Paloma could feel sweat on her forehead. Nicholas, her boyfriend, was with Lynette–Lynette with the stupid last name that rhymes with her first name Lynette? What is that jerk doing with her boyfriend?

“Caveman, again,” a teacher explained.

“I swear, we’re gonna have to ban that game.”

Paloma was so proud of herself for not crying after scraping her knee, but now she was afraid her streak was over. The one day she decides to skip the game so she could practice this freaking pyramid, and Lynette snatches her man up?

“I’ll take care of them, Luanne; just do me a favor and try to prevent any more casualties out there, okay? My beds are full. I may have to put poor Lynette in a crib from daycare at this rate.”

At this, Paloma stifled a giggle. She knew Gracie would have her back, that she could sense that Lynette was trouble, too. The trio started walking back to where Paloma could see them, though, and she could see the couple holding hands.

“Hey, Paloma,” Nick shouted, swinging Lynette’s arm wildly as he did. “Were you on top of the pyramid? That’s so awesome!”

“No, I wasn’t. Nurse Gracie, can I talk to you?”

Gracie showed the children to the last two rooms, then took a glance at Paloma’s reddening face, hot with tears.

“Would a blue Gatorade cheer you up?”

The next day, Paloma promised Nicholas and herself that she was never going to skip Caveman again. She made it through her first three classes in a heated daze, then marched onto the parking lot at recess with her hair in the highest ponytail her 7-year-old fingers could manage. She was ready to be taken.

Caveman was invented by a boy named Garrett Thatcher, who was a year ahead of her, after his dad let him watch an old cartoon depicting a caveman “choosing a wife” by hitting her on the head and dragging her by her ponytail. Kids at Righteous Hand Elementary were obsessed with marriage, so the game caught on like wildfire. It was the perfect way for boys to declare their love to whomever they wanted to that day.

Paloma keeping her hair up was yet another sign of her devotion–getting dragged by your hair, the girls quickly discovered, was very painful, so they often opted for being dragged by their arms (and often raising their legs up so they didn’t actually graze the gravel). But Paloma was ready to be old-fashioned–anything to get Nicholas away from the dreaded Lynette.

As she waited with the other girls on one side of the parking lot, she could see Nicholas hem and haw on the other. He was surrounded by boys waiting to weigh-in on the most discussed matter of the day. She could see Lynette waiting, arm outstretched like a word her father uses, and Paloma stuck her tongue out at her.

Suddenly, they were off to the races. Boys were scooping up girls and began to race each other to the hill on the far side of the lot (the girls screaming in pain, but no matter). Paloma held her ponytail up, but Nicholas stayed put.

“Nick, whatcha waiting for?”

He yelled back, “I’m just not sure I can trust you!”

Paloma felt a flash of fear on her face. Lynette giggled on the other side, herself still unchosen (the boys didn’t want to take either one until one was chosen by Nick, lest they ruin the suspense). Then, she saw one of the other boys hemming and hawing–David Dobson. She held her ponytail up and said, “David, come and get it!”

“Oh NO you don’t!” Lynette suddenly piped up. “That’s MY man!”

Paloma found herself once again in Nurse Gracie’s office, this time beaming with pride because she was in there for, once again, a good reason. She tried to concentrate on the Rascal Flatts coming from the desktop.

But she found herself drawn to the conversation in the principal’s office.

“That’s it, I’m begging you to finally ban this game! A girl bit another girl, she drew blood!”

“I know, I hate to admit it. It just pains me to mess with the sanctity of recess with the mighty, mighty arm of the law.” Paloma let her imagination wander to the thought of him kissing his own bicep at the thought.

“Sanctity my ass! Kids are getting hurt!”

“You’re right, Grace, you’re right.”

She knew she wasn’t supposed to be hearing this (Nurse Gracie cursed for goodness’ sake), so Paloma instead stared at her bloody ankle-high socks and her scuffed Mary Janes until Nurse Gracie showed up again, rubbing alcohol in one hand, lollipop in the other.

“Paloma,” she lamented, looking at the full damage, “no boy is worth it.”

She couldn’t get Nurse Gracie’s words out of her head. Paloma hadn’t gone a day without a boyfriend since kindergarten, and in second grade, they were even more important. She had taken rocks to the face over boys! Didn’t Nurse Gracie know how paramount this all was? Paloma started to get worried for her.

The next day, they announced the ban of Caveman, and every first- and second-grade girl rushed to the bathroom to properly mourn the loss. Paloma found Lynette crying under the sink. Instinctively, she tried to comfort her. “I’m sure you and David will be fine, though,” she whispered.

Lynette looked up, ears unfathomably red (though it was impossible to tell if it was from rage or her too-tight clip-on earrings), and muttered, “You don’t know anything about anything, Paloma.”

To soften the blow, the teachers decided to put on a movie for recess. One teacher brought a Pink Panther cartoon set from home, and after vetting it to make sure it was caveman-free, they screened it. The trailers were long and for various other old cartoons and kids shows, but Paloma watched it intensely until she felt a tug at her hair.

“That hurt, Nick!”

“Sorry,” Nicholas whispered. “Hey, I have an awesome idea.”

“What’s that?”

Nicholas pointed to the projector, then to the screen. “Do you see how they put the movie in there, and it shows up there?”

“Yeah, so?”

“I got this cool shadow puppet book for Christmas, and I wanna try them out on the big screen.”

Paloma was instantly torn, her ears burning like she too had on too-tight clip-on earrings. This would certainly get her in trouble, and she didn’t know how to get herself out. But it was Nick, and she trusted Nick.

“Come on, don’t be a goody-goody.”

She let Nick teach her how to do a wolf shadow puppet in the corner, but still felt uneasy. “Nick. I don’t want to. They’re gonna get mad at me.”

“But I want to, and I want to with you.”

This was all the encouragement she needed.

Nick made her go first, so she snuck back closer to the projector, as the Pink Panther painted a house (pink of course). When she was all settled and she didn’t feel like she was going to throw up, she put her fingers up in a poor shape of a wolf, and let out a pathetic howl. “PALOMA

MEBARAK TO THE FRONT, PLEASE.”

Paloma felt warm...no, hot...no, boiling. Her legs felt unsteady, as if she had been evading capture for a long time–and now the law was here, dragging her by her hair, and she only realized now that she didn’t like it–she never liked it. Nicholas was still in the corner, telling her, “That was so awesome! I can’t believe you actually did it!”

Before she could make it to the teacher in the front, she fainted.

“Mind telling me what happened this time, missy?” Paloma had never been so relieved to see Nurse Gracie in front of her, but behind her was Principal Thatcher. She knew she couldn’t get out of trouble this time. “Paloma, I’m talking to you.”

Oh no, Nurse Gracie wasn’t friendly, either. Paloma decided to play shy. “I don’t know,” she said, looking down at her still-scuffed Mary Janes.

“You don’t know?” Principal Thatcher crept up, afraid to make sudden movements as he didn’t have any daughters. “You don’t remember disrupting a movie your whole class was going to enjoy, disrespecting your teachers, your equipment?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, your mom is on her way, and I’ve already filled her in; so she can tell you the details when you get home. Grace, if you don’t mind staying with her, I have other business to attend to.”

“Yes, sir.”

Nurse Gracie let him out and turned to the pathetic-looking Paloma, who was carefully stringing her words together like beads on a bracelet. Nurse Gracie couldn’t possibly understand, but she couldn’t think of anything else. “Nick, he told me to do it. I can’t even make any other shadow puppets.”

“Oh.”

“Nurse Gracie, I love him.”

“Oh honey,” Nurse Gracie lamented, touching Paloma’s forehead instinctually. “What’s going to happen to you in high school?”

Paloma pondered for a second, and though she didn’t dare speak it, all she could think about was finally being on top of the pyramid.