2 Can I tell you why I have no head? Why yes, I certainly can. I was a compulsive gum chewer; I chewed more than 58 pieces of gum a day. One afternoon, I stuck 18 pieces in my mouth at once. When I took the wad of gum out, it got tangled in my hair. When I pulled it hard to untangle it, my head came right off.
3 Since I couldn’t see without my head, I couldn’t find it. It must have fallen in the street where the garbage containers are. I never make a basket when I play basketball, but that day, I dunked it. I’m very happy without my head. It’s a nice change. I hear perfectly, and I talk like the ventriloquists do, with my belly. I can’t talk about my sight, it’s a secret. But I can see.
4 And you, can you tell us why you have the head of an onion?
5 I’m clumsy, my family has been saying that since I was little. I’m always losing things, including my hair. But, if you want to know the truth, the most important day of my life was when my head fell into the soup, and since I couldn’t see, I put my hand in the pot. I pulled out an onion and I put it in the place where my head was. And, hey, I kind of liked having a different face and a different smell and everything. I was tired at looking at myself.
6 That’s what we say when we are interviewed, my friends. But now we are going to tell you the truth… We are The Big Onions. We love each other, and our love was born in a morgue. We ended up there after a guided tour with our classmates from architecture school through our city’s sewer system. We got lost. We went out through the wrong grate and we were run over by a garbage truck, and it was just our luck that we lost our heads.
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8 They took us to the morgue and left us there. They didn’t notice that we weren’t dead, that we just didn’t have a head. That was the bad part, but there was another very good part. The morgue was built over an old cemetery for witches who were victims of the Inquisition. It so happened that it was October 31, their annual holiday, and the day that they are allowed to come back to the surface and carry out a spell. When they found us bodies lying there, they knew right away that we were alive, and immediately they told us:
9 “You’re in luck, friends, we will grant you a wish.”
10 Onionette, like a good girl, was the first to speak: “I’d like to get my head around this situation I’ve gotten into, it stinks as bad as an onion.” “Perfect, your wish is granted,” answered the witch. “A stinky onion on your head, ipso facto.” And by magic, she immediately gave her an onion for a head. She looked at herself in the mirror and said: “I don’t look so bad with this onion head. I can see, and I feel so delicious.”
11 I heard her and said: “If that’s the way it is, I’d prefer to have no head. However, I do want to be able to see in order to know where I’m going.”
12 So that’s how I was left without a head, but the witches made it so I have eyes on my feet. And when I lifted one of my legs, and saw my uniquely beautiful companion laying next to me, I said to her: “I’d cry, but since I don’t have a head I can’t.” “Oh, that’s so romantic.,” she answered. “I, on the other hand, start crying at the sight of you.”
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