Residence Hall Association: Condom Bar & Lounge

Residence Hall Association Condom Bar and Lounge

BY ETHAN SAWYER

If you missed the annual Condom Bar, then you missed out. But, lucky for you - I didn’t miss out. And my account of all that went down at this always-a-hit event is as follows.

Oddly enough, well endowed rubber wasn’t the strangest sight my eyes witnessed. I’m 100% positive drag queen Adrena Lin had a dance contest with a unicorn. I’m also 90% sure Adrena is a perfectly assembled dancing robot sent from the future to capture our hearts with her immense movement capabilities, because the moves pulled off by that bewigged beauty shouldn’t be humanly possible. The following phrase is a written interpretation of the sounds I would make if attempting what Adrena pulled off during her performances: guffleskooph. gestive tables lay games curated by FIT’s wonderous club selection, all offering raffle tickets to the completers of their menial tasks. Raffle winners were awarded penis pasta, vibrators and many more pleasure-parallel products.

At an indeterminate time during the night, I accidentally kicked a boob balloon into some dude’s forehead. To my suprise, he gladly accepted my inadvertent invitation for a face smashing. What followed will go down in the FIT history books as the best game of boob balloon keep-up ever witnessed, and nobody can contest that claim because no one was paying attention to us. If you’re reading this dude with the glasses, I demand a rematch. Throughout the night, a mysteriously ever-present unicorn used any open space to perform long stretches of improvised dance. Many stretches appropriately revolved around twerking on willing attendees. While watching the fascinating events unfold, two questions kept blipping back to my brain; why did that unicorn eat a person, and why is there an opening in its throat highlighting the digestion process? Those questions were promptly forgotten when High School Musical’s cast began performing “Get Your Head in the Game,” where the new question in my mind became “am I worthy to stand in the presence of such greatness?” I left shortly after. ■

The Student Activities Board proudly supplied popcorn, cotton candy, and an assortment of floor dildos waiting to have rings thrown at them. The most mentally stimulating sight at this entire event, no contest, was SAB’s field of erect penis replacements basking in the soft vagina-pink glow reflected off looming white structural columns. What a fantastic way to inadvertently represent the mainstream sex industry.

Theatre club put a sexy picture of young Zack Effron on a pedestal and asked people to blindly pin a condom on it. In a completely unrelated quote, sophomore Allie said “It was great.” Pink tables adorned the hall floor, brightly popping above drab tiles, and housed atop these sug

PHOTOS COURTESY ETHAN SAWYER

Beyond the Condom: What Are Dental Dams?

BY EMILIA SMITHIES

ILLUSTRATION BY EMILIA SMITHIES The first time I tried to purchase a “dental dam” at my local Duane Reade, I remember the person I was with being terrified and both of us being uncomfortable when approaching the lady at the counter. She was perplexed, and honestly she’s not the only one, most people don’t know what they are or how to use them. I think of them as blankets for your carpet; essentially, dental dams are thin sheets of latex that protect us from STDs when engaging in oral sex with a vulva. Although often associated with lesbian sex, dental dams should be used by anyone who has oral sex with someone with a vulva, including cisgender heterosexual couples. Within the US, STDs such as gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia are at an all time high. I won’t go into the consequences of leaving these STDs untreated, we’ve all been traumatized enough in sex ed class. But in general, the reason for this increase in infection can be boiled down in a large part to the decline in the use of condoms amongst young people, especially in the 15 to 24 age range. One of the things the CDC found was that STDs disproportionately affect women because of the ease with which these diseases reproduce in our anatomy. Two of the leading preventable causes of infertility and ectopic pregnancies in the world are chlamydia and gonorrhea, both STDs that can be spread through oral sex.

Now, why are schools ignoring the role of oral sex in spreading STDs? One would assume that in an institution that seeks to educate and provide resources, with condoms being shoved into our faces in all health services events, that it would be the same with dental dams. The rebuttal to this is often for students to ask for them or DIY them - which is probably the last thing on anyone’s mind when doing the thing, and schools often don’t have “fresh” dental dams. The problem with this notion is that it is very phalo-centric. In other words, it’s always about the D, and… it’s 2020, it’s not all about the D. People with vulvas deserve to have safe sex too, we need to feel empowered in knowing we are safe especially in an act as vulnerable as having sex. The idea that sex heterosexual sex is the default is archaic when our generation is constantly experimenting with relationships and sexualities. Dental dams are not just a “gay issue,” they are a feminist issue, they are an equality issue, a health and safety issue. Oral herpes is one of the most common STDs, as it lives in people’s throats and mouths and it is so easily transformed into genital herpes through oral sex. These latex sheets should be readily available at schools and treated the same as condoms in display and education. No one is going to know what they are unless they see them and question their use, it takes away the awkward question to doctors and ensures even people who can’t afford to buy a whole box of them still have safe sex.

So, for now, what can we do? We can buy them in bulk - which is my personal nightmare. But we can also pressure the institution we pay tuition to and other health services to provide them for us and actually use them. Regardless of whether this gets you to start using dental dams or not, I want to reiterate the importance of getting tested, regardless of if you ever come near the D. If you don’t use protection, that is totally your choice, but you have to be responsible and at least let your partner(s) know your status. Needles and checking the “STD Test” box are uncomfortable, condoms and dental dams can be seen as such too, but they’re less uncomfortable than STDs. ■