Not feeling it... by Jaya Lockhart

It’s okay that you don’t have it all together babe, you never did anyways!

There’s moments where we feel like we peak — where we feel like we are at the high point in the current season of our lives — the mountain top. Whether our mountain top is us thriving at work and feeling like we finally mastered the art of self discipline, the art of self love no longer is foreign to us. We’ve really gotten to a space mentally where we finally feel like we can just stride, coasting in bliss. Ahhhhh. How beautiful is that moment? So beautiful that we try to hold on to it for dear life.

The very second we start feeling our feet slip, we begin to feel imbalanced. Anxiety creeps in and the frantic search to find what, where and howTF we are no longer coastin’ on automatic bliss! The new focus is how to catch yourself before you fall [or slip] and keeping your peace starts feeling like you’re holding a fistful of water.

Just at the right time — the split second moment in your spiraling, you realize that it’s okay that you don’t have control right now and you never truly did…

You never had it together and what you thought made sense, actually never totaled up to be exactly what you needed. Was it all in your head? Well, at least it felt like you were all in your head; but the truth is you’re not crazy and you’re not overreacting either. Life happens faster than we can say “life happens” and sometimes it feels like life is passing at the speed of lightning. We look at those around us and begin feeling like we are falling short, like we’re not doing enough … almost as if we are completely “behind schedule” from where we thought we would be at this age.

In our childhood, we spent time daydreaming about how we would be doctors, lawyers, chefs, parents, wives, husbands and damn near anything our heart wanted all by at least the age of 20. Ain’t it funny how big our imaginations were back then? We had no sense of time or work ethic yet but we still saw ourselves standing on the highest pedestal of life. We didn’t know that over time, our visions would change and what was once a world with the sun colored at the top corner of the page, would now be a world painted by politics, racism, equality issues and so on. What was bright in our childhood now feels dull in our adulthood.

Apologies if I’m being too blunt but please read this as if I’m speaking to you as my close friend: LIFE CAN FEEL IN- SANE, DARLING! In fact, life can feel like you are covered in a 80lb weighted blanket and all you can do is just snuggle deeper and deeper into your introverted cocoon. But let me offer you a beautiful rebuttal, it’s only in the chaos you see everything in the picture. Yes, finding yourself, spending time searching for what brings you joy, teaching yourself to sit still and say thank you to the very fact that you are alive, breathing and well, can feel like you’re playing a game of “Where’s Waldo?” But you gotta admit, would you be as strong as you are now if life didn’t feel insane? Would you have the courage to love, if you hadn’t been hurt? Would you have known how to get up, if you hadn’t been pushed down? Would you have thought, if you hadn’t been questioned?

Everything you have ever gone through has aided in you being here, in this moment, where you are now. It’s why you appreciate the bliss in the good moments. It has fueled your reasoning to believe in God, your faith. When you grow through things there’s no denying that it hurts or that it’s crazy and unfair but neither is there denying your inner child of the very dreams you have, whether you’ve tried to bury them or not. We don’t have a say in how things turn out in our lives, but we do have a say in how we respond and proceed. What we do today makes up the foundation of our tomorrow — yes, we are able to start over and start fresh but that only happens when we make a choice. We can’t control how things pan out in the end but we sure do play a huge role in the process of it. We don’t have it all together. We don’t even know if tomorrow is promised. We do know that we are here right now and that’s all that is really needed. Right now.

illustration by Vicki Liu