Love is a Wild Thing

Love—organic, powerful and unkind

BY SAMANTHA DE LEON

There is a saying: “There’s no love like your first.” Part of me believes that quote was made up by someone to make you feel warm when thinking back to your first love. In my case, I feel everything when I think back to my first boyfriend: the bad, the good, and the ugly.

I was in high school when I met my first boyfriend. We didn’t know of each other prior to being introduced, but when we met, we clicked. From that point on, we spent every minute we could together.

For a good portion of our relationship, we were happy and infatuated with each other. He was the first boy to ever express interest in me. He never judged me and accepted me for who I was. Sadly, our honeymoon phase came to a halting stop when we would argue more than we talked.

Further into our relationship, we started to argue about minuscule things occasionally, which eventually turned into daily spats. I would shed tears of frustration because I honestly didn’t know what made him happy. He pressured me to do things I didn’t want to do. Not the least of which was the “magical” night I was given the ultimatum to either lose my virginity or get broken up with. It pushed me to hate him.

20 From that point on, our relationship was on a declining slope. I found myself crying on a weekly basis because he made me feel like “our problems” were my fault. My pent-up emotions of anger, sadness, and frustration boiled inside of me; yet, I kept it all to myself. Despite the tensions, we carried on with our relationship—going through our ups and downs like a rollercoaster. We continued to “love” each other and carry on like normal. That was until the accident. The accident turned both of our lives upside down. He was in a coma for about two weeks. When he awakened, he wasn’t the person I knew before. He suffered from memory loss and had to relearn how to do everything. He had no idea who I was, and I had no idea what I was doing. I was 16 years old when I made the decision to stick by his side and care for him. I stayed with him because he was my boyfriend and I felt that I owed him that. I justified this by my mentality that if I continued to endure him and our deteriorating relationship, I could learn to be ok with it.

It didn’t take much time for me to realize it wasn’t working between us. I eventually broke up with him. From that point on, I wasn’t under stress of being with someone in an unhappy relationship. I felt happy and like myself again.

Looking back at it now, it was a journey I never expected to take. I never thought my first relationship would end up as it did. I came out of the relationship stronger than I was before, and it has shaped me into a woman who can sympathize, forgive, and love. Without the experience, I don’t think I would be who I am today.

If there is one takeaway I want people to remember after reading this, it’s the ability to overcome resentment. At the time of the accident, I had empathy for him and took on the role of caretaker. But, I could not rid the everlasting memories I had when he was mean to me. The accident did not excuse his actions before, and it did not excuse his actions after. Ultimately, I chose what was best for me, and it was breaking up with him. 1

Over time, I stopped ruminating and reflected back on our relationship. Through this reflection, it was clear that we were too young to be in such a serious relationship. I also understand that his crazed actions stemmed from being prescribed many medications and his misconceived notion that he could become the same person he was prior to the accident, which allowed for his insane actions to not have any consequences.

Despite all that happened, I forgive him. Forgiveness has helped me move forward and remove the anger, sadness, and frustration I had before. This journey has shown me that I have a large capacity for love and forgiveness. In the end, we are only human, and it’s up to us to make the best of our lives.