[New] Rating College Mascots on a Scale of 0 to Fetch

SPOILER ALERT: No mascot is fetch. Sorry. DISCLAIMER: I know nothing about other colleges or their mascots leave me alone, I’m an artist not a sportsball enthusiest.

I’m particularly disturbed by the giant head-human arms combo, but it could be worse. 5/10

I know this is a University of Minnesota publication but COME ON he’s a TURTLE. Arguably the cutest. 9/10

He looks like he has a lot of fun at parties...but he also like he has to shit really bad...6/10

Bro are we looking at the same mascot right now? Am I in a horror movie? No THANK YOU PURDUE. 0/10

WHENEVER @ ONCE HER PRISON ALLOWS HER TO MAKE PHONE CALLS

Elizabeth Holmes Product Release Press Briefing

Holmes is set to announce her new business endeavor live from prison. She’s partnering with Elon Musk to make clean drinking water more accessible to Americans. The novel product is called the H2O cylinder. A sneak peek of the product presents a cylinder with a cap that twists open and close. The product is estimated to retail at $20,000 per unit. Check out the press briefing to learn more about this genius new product that will revolutionize accessibility to water in America.

FRIDAY @ YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD COMMUNITY CENTER

SUNDAY @ A VARIETY OF HENNEPIN COUNTY LIBRARIES

Book Burning Party

In an attempt to threaten our citizens’ First Amendment rights, libraries all over the county are following Texas schools in not only banning, but burning paperbacks. Libraries are also printing out and burning several copies of e-books to symbolize the deletion of electronic files. Some of subject matter of these banned books include LGBTQ+ themes/ protagonists, protagonists of color, sexual content, titles concerning issues with race and racism, etc. Join our libraries for a fun book burning and enjoy tacos and korean corn dogs from food trucks parked outside!

TUESDAY @ A VARIETY OF HENNEPIN COUNTY LIBRARIES

BookTok Book Club

Have you ever wondered if a celebrity is white or a skin color-changing chameleon? What about Ariana Grande? White. Ollie London? White. Kylie Jenner and Kim K? White! Bet you didn’t know that. They also have mahjong and archery! Swing by the game night hosted by the community center down the road this Friday Snacks not included. BYOB.

SATURDAY @ MY FRIEND OF A FRIEND’S OF A FRIEND’S BASEMENT

Fake Music Listening Party: Midnights

Want to hate on popular music with a group of REAL music fans? Join us this Friday night! A group of us will be screaming “BOOOOOOOO!!!!” and ripping our hair out over the absolute swill that was Taylor Swift’s last album! Afterwards, to cleanse ourselves, we’ll be listening to this classic album from our favorite underground band, Pink Floyd. You’ve probably never heard of them, though.

Want to read books without the pretentious-ness? Join us this Saturday where we’ll be discussing “It Ends With Us” By Colleen Hoover! Although, if you’re just going to come to talk about the flaws of the book and critique the characters, maybe don’t come? It’s just that we just like to read for fun! We don’t want to ruin the vibes by critically thinking about this book and the effect it can have on young readers. What are you, my high school English teacher? The currents are just blue, dude!