Elizabeth Jensen, 11th, Madrid Jr./Sr. High School, IA, (Fiction

Elizabeth Jensen, 11th, Madrid Jr./Sr. High School, IA, (Fiction)

" The Strength to Overcome"

As the dimming light made its way through the narrow hospital window, the doctor leaned forward in the violet armchair that sat opposite to his patient, and despite not uttering a word, questioned him with his crude-oil eyes. Though already given the first dose of his IV sedative before the operation, he could see his patient’s green eyes still paling with unwonted anxiety. Still as a statue, he sat, only his eyes betraying his true emotions. Then, finally shattering his stony facade, his face scrunched up and he wrung his clammy hands, “I am so frightened,” the statement hung in the empty air for a moment, but in spite of the fear that appeared to ooze from him, his words were clear, his voice impassioned, but not trembling, and little by little through the silence, the white room began to take on the air of a confessional.

The doctor opposite him frowned and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. He knew there wasn’t much he could do now, his patient already understood the procedure, it was just the subconscious turmoil that brimmed under his conviction that held him back. It was a remaining storm only he could conquer, "There is nothing to be frightened about during the surgery. I’ve done this a thousand times.”

He looked at him with his intensely green eyes, uncomfortable yet resilient, "Doctor--if I can call you by your name for a moment--Nero, I know that you know what you are doing, but I am so afraid."

He struggled with how to respond for a moment, “Can you tell me what you are afraid of?”

"Just the thought of everything that could go wrong. I've been so close to dying, I still am, but-- I am scared to fall asleep every night. I am scared to close my eyes because what if it is the last time? What if I never get to see my daughter again? These things have wracked my mind for so long. I know you can’t make any promises, that there truly aren’t any assurances, but I so badly wish there were,” he sighed and buried his face in his hands for a moment.

Nero struggled, it was true. He could make no promises, no assurances other than what he had already said, but statistics wouldn’t comfort his patient, diagrams and explanations wouldn’t relieve the anxiety that gripped him, “I recognize this must be a difficult time for you and your family. But you have been strong, I am sure she is proud of you. You’ve been the best father you can be.”

"I know I’ve done the best I can, I just can't stop thinking about her. I don't want her to be scared. I don't want her to be alone. I want her to understand…this all isn’t anyone’s fault.” he trailed off, before shaking his head as if it was futile.

Nero’s grey eyes showed his conflict but for an instant, before he spoke again, "I can’t understand your fear completely, but I will try, it’s the least I can do. And yes, I am going to be honest with you, this is no easy disease, but we are never going to give up on your treatment, we are not going to give up on serving you and your family.”

There was silence for a moment before his patient replied, "I wish I had more faith in you."

“Well, I have faith in you,” he returned, tilting his head slightly, “You have fought this, you have been strong, you have made this choice for yourself.”

“I know, I want to make this choice. I must, but I am terrified,” he put a hand just below his heart, “I can feel it here, in my chest. It’s a tension and it never goes away. I had hoped that today it would pass. That I would overcome, but here I am.”

“Fear, it’s part of being human, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it affects us all. I’ll be candid with you, Alexis, I understand that I alone cannot do much, I’ve been here a hundred times, I’ve seen a hundred ways people come to terms and yet, each time it's the same. It’s their burden that they come to terms with, it's their strength that raises them to overcome it.”

Alexis nodded, “I know this is my choice. I know that there’s only so much you can offer to put my mind at rest. I understand that. Only I wish someone could understand my fear. Right here, right now, it feels like I am the only one who feels this way-- It isn’t true, of course it isn’t, but I can’t imagine anyone feeling this way, anyone feeling anymore afraid.”

Nero felt his thoughts buzzing through his mind before they slowed in the quiet. The air deadened around their ears like cotton before Alexis broke the stillness once again, "Have you ever been afraid?"

Nero, frankly, was surprised by the question, and hesitantly tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair he answered, “Yes, of course.”

"Then, I have no idea if this will help, it’s a shot in the dark, but if you would be kind enough to indulge my inquiry for a moment…” he paused, “what are you afraid of?"

He hesitated for a second, not wanting to cross that unspoken line between sharing purely to empathize and being too forthright, yet again he chose to be surprisingly

candid, “Very well… I am afraid of having lived a meaningless life. I am afraid that everything I have worked for will be for naught. I am afraid that all I have done here, all I have doen in my life means as little as the grains of sand on a wave swept beach.”

Alexis nodded, “I understand that. Often, I have felt the same of late, there just isn’t enough time it seems. There isn't enough time to do everything you had dreamed of. There isn’t enough time to spend. Just I wonder how you stop it from consuming you. What do you do when you feel like that?”

“I breathe, Alexis, and so should you. Think of what keeps you going. Think of your daughter,” he offered slowly.

He smiled, “I think that is exactly what I was getting at. You breathe, you take your strength in that moment and hold it for the next.”

Nero nodded, “You carry your strength for your cause, whether it is a person, an idea, or a goal. We all carry our strength for something, something to remind us we can walk through our burdens.”

“Yes, and perhaps it's odd, but in these cold moments I have begun to believe my cause is purely her. All I want is to be the father she deserves. To be brave for her. I will be brave for her,” he stopped, his words, though soft, seemed to ring through the room, “Who are you brave for?”

Nero chuckled, the slow creep of exhaustion that had plagued him for months beginning to shine through, “I am brave for everyone, every single one of my patients. It isn’t fair this has happened to us. It isn’t fair that we have been torn away from our lives. Every day I wake and I want to return home. I want to return to the one I love, but I remember I have a greater cause, even if it is mine just for a little while. ...I suppose I am brave for this world, even though I am but one man.”

“And it is your burden to bear, it must be heavy, and yet you are brave. I wish I had half your strength.”

He shook his head, “Don’t compare us, it only shortchanges you unfairly. You have your own strength and you have something I could never dream of having. You have done things I could have never done.”

Again, a smile flitted across his face, “Thank you, it means more to me than you think. I’m doing this for her. Everything I have is for her. My strength is for my little girl,” he repeated as if it were a mantra.

Gently, as if afraid to break the room’s reverie, Nero got to his feet and leaned against

the off-white wall, his shadow darkened in the gloaming sun, “Are you ready, Alexis?”

“Yes, I am ready. I can face this.”

Alexis turned his head and for a moment gazed out the window; he could see her smiling gap-toothed grin in his mind. Her innocence, her curiosity, her spark. She would carry these things forever and he would be there for her along the way. His beautiful daughter, his precious little girl. He would be strong for her, no matter what. Everyone carried things they were strong for, a spouse, a mission, a friend, a lover, a child, the list could go on and on. Sometimes one could even be strong just for oneself. Be brave because no one will be brave for you, breathe and hold your ground to support yourself when no one does or could. It was time for him to stand for someone else, for someone he knew he put before the world. One last push of bravery to save their lives. It was time to face his fears, to face that fear to fall asleep, to have that trust he would wake again and see his daughter once more. He turned his eyes back to the doctor, it was time, time to put his life in the hands of a man he barely knew, and yet, he no longer was so frightened. It could save his life, and at the moment, even the word could didn’t scare him, even the possibility of failure no longer fazed him. A little strength, a small leap of faith, he had come to realize, they both went a long way.