3 minute read
Joe Van Essen Satire (A Newscast
JOE VAN ESSEN
Satire (A Newscast)
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Kate: Hi, I’m Kate Kater. John: And I’m John Johnson. You’re watching Four Hundred Twenty News, and man do we have some big stories today, don’t we Kate? Kate: We sure do, John. Today in Washington D.C., there was a scare as the President’s pet cat got stuck in a tree. Luckily, the fire department was able to get the cat down safely.
Scrolling Text: Seven dead and more missing, after armed gunmen attacked the UK Parliament.
John: And thank goodness for that. It’ll be a sad day if the cat gets hurt. Kate: Yes, indeed, John. In other news, the stock market took a hit today with the Dow dropping 80 points in just 3 hours.
Scrolling Text: Hundreds of sea turtles wash up dead on beaches across Europe.
John: On another financial note, Kim Kardashian has just published her book on how to become a millionaire. Kate: Oh, I heard about that. I’ll have to read it.
Scrolling Text: Oil spill in the Mediterranean causes massive damage to the wildlife and coastal communities around it.
Kate: And did you hear that Kendall is also releasing a self-help book titled When Is It Too Much Plastic Surgery? John: I’m sure it will be a hit. In one of our biggest stories today, we go to a small town in Minnesota with our field reporter, Trisha Trishal, and learn how they are keeping in touch with their Dutch roots. Trisha? Trisha: Yes, John, I am here with Jeff Jefferson, a city council member here in
Nowhersviel, Minnesota, and he’s going to tell us about their Dutch festival. Jeff: Yea, Trisha, this is actually our one hundred and fiftieth Dutch festival, and this is a big one. We have a parade every year and people dress up in traditional Dutch clothes, and the local shops make traditional Dutch foods to sell to the community.
Scrolling Ttext: More dead as the new regime in Zimbabwe continues its ethnic cleansing.
Trisha: Oh, and what are some of those traditional foods? Jeff: Well, some of them include Stroopwafel, Kroket, Patat, Poffertjes, Bitterballen, and Olibolen, which we actually have some here for you. Trisha: Oh really, well I can’t wait to try it. Jeff: Here you go. Trisha: This is delicious. Well, you saw it here, how this Dutch community is keeping in touch with its roots. Now, back to you John. John: Thanks, Trisha. Man, that did look good. Kate: I know it made me kinda hungry.
Scrolling Text: Famine persists in several African countries with death tolls estimated in the hundreds of thousands.
John: Yes, in other news, fans were stunned at the last red carpet event by what Jennifer Lopez was wearing. Kate: Oh yea, I saw, it was shocking. She showed up in sweatpants and a sweater. John: There are many questions around this, but the main one is: Is this some new hot fashion trend or some form of rebellion against social norms? Kate: Well, either way, I think it’s nonsense. What kind of world do we live in where we don’t dress up for social events?
Scrolling Text: Violent protests break out as the fight for women’s suffrage continues in Saudi Arabia.
John: I don’t know, Kate. Kate: Wait, I’m getting information on some breaking news, apparently there
has been some kind of attack.
Scrolling Text: Terror strikes the hearts of German citizens after a series of suicide bombing occurred across Berlin. There are seventy-four confirmed dead, but the rubble is still being searched.
Kate: An attack on fashion. At the most recent animal fur clothing show, protesters threw paint onto the models. Some fighting broke out, but there were no major injuries. John: I am, however, getting reports that the damaged clothing has a value of around a quarter-million dollars. Kate: What a shame. I never understood the point of that. It just ruins the coats and forces them to kill more animals to make new ones. John: Well, sometimes logic doesn’t matter when you are fighting for what you believe in. Kate: I guess not. Well, that is all we have time for today. I’m Kate Kater. John: And I’m John Johnson. And this had been Four Hundred Twenty News.
