4 minute read
Hiding my Anxiety
Tiffany Griffith
I have a confession to make. For years after being diagnosed with Anxiety & Panic Disorder, I would walk around pretending everything was okay. I would place a smile on my face so no one could see the fact that I was really screaming on the inside. In reality, everything was not okay.
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I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room but no one could hear me. In fact, all they could see was a girl who seemed to be happy more times than not. Pretending like everything was okay was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Only a few people knew the truth about what I was, and continue to go through. It was exhausting, difficult, and I lost what it felt like to just be genuine and be myself.
Panic attacks paralyzed me. They scared me so much that I thought if I acted like everything was okay, maybe I wouldn't have an attack.... take it from me, that didn't happen. On the contrary, the attacks got worse, because I tried to fight them off instead of letting them take their course. Trying to fight off an attack is one of the worst things you can do, as it can prolong the attack and make symptoms much worse.
There were bowling tournaments where I was beyond anxious, I had to go to the restroom to let out a few tears. There were tournaments where I had to sit alone, secluded because I felt like I was going to panic at any time - but I didn't tell anyone.
I remember a couple years ago now, at the Ivan Nelson Memorial Tournament provincial tournament, I had a big panic attack and I mean BIG. I ended up losing the tournament, and by the end of it, I was in tears. Not because I was super upset that I lost, but because of the panic attack I had to cost me the chance to take home the gold. Luckily I have improved so much that this has not happened nearly as often, but that day I was so scared for people to know the real reason behind those tears.
I feared people thinking I was a freak. I feared people having to ask me what is wrong with you? Are you okay? I felt like no one would understand. Boy, I was so wrong.
So many people understand and just want the best for you. To tell you the truth, I no longer walk around like everything is okay. If I'm not okay, you'll probably be able to tell or I'll tell you if you ask. Bad days will happen, that's how anxiety works. Before you say it, yes there are ways to help prevent panic attacks from happening, but they're not 100% guaranteed to work all the time. Sometimes, attacks just happen and they can happen for an unknown reason.
My advice to you, no matter what you're going through - don't do what I did. Don't pretend like everything is okay when it's not. It's okay not to be okay. Talk to someone, someone you trust, and it will make the world of a difference. Having someone with you who understands what you're going through, or at least understands how to comfort you and make you feel better can reduce anxious feelings - a big reduction. Tell someone.
I am very fortunate to have amazing people in my life to help me through those rough days. To my mom, dad, brother, and friends: thank you for believing in me and helping me keep my thoughts clear and my goals always in reaching distance. Thank you for doing what it takes to keep me motivated and constantly improving myself.
To my boyfriend, thank you for choosing me. I know seeing me panic is not easy by any means, and I wish they didn't happen. But I thank you with all of my heart for being that person to hold me and tell me it will be okay. Thank you for being right by my side to face any obstacle that may come my way.
On February 4th, 2016 it happened again for the first time in quite a while. At a YBT Tournament, I had a panic attack during the squad. Crippled by the panic, shaking, I couldn't take it anymore. Tears streaming down my face, but this time I didn't hide it. If people knew it happened - the better. The support I received was comforting. Especially from my boyfriend who just held me the whole time - but to know that there were people there who understood and wanted to help made it that much easier to manage.
