Over The EDG E

Have you ever been scared so badly you knew you’d shaved years off your life only to find there was really nothing to be scared of after all? That very thing happened to me recently and it was enough to put me over the edge.

Dryer sheets seem to be a thing of the past and I know why. How many times did you find them stuck up your dress at a most inconvenient time. Yeah, I was done with dryer sheets so I bought some spongy little “magic” balls that were guaranteed to not only take the static out of my clothes, but they collected dog hair too. Magic balls! I loved the idea so I bought several. That was a mistake. Not only did those magic balls not work, they too got caught up in my clothes. At least they were easier to find … most of the time.

I washed some of my work clothes last week and used my new magic balls in the dryer. I was in a hurry though and didn’t count the balls after I pulled my clothes from the dryer. Little did I know that would soon be a big problem for me. I had to do a short presentation before the 200+ residents at the independent living facility where I work. I’m not comfortable speaking to crowds large or small. I have a tendency to get flustered and I knew I’d trip up the stairs or do something stupid.

I had to do it, though, so I got dressed and headed out the door. I felt a flutter in my pant leg as I walked, but figured it was just nerves. When I got to work, I used the bathroom quickly because when I’m nervous I pee. Good thing I did because I found one of those magic balls floating in my pant leg. I would have been mortified had it fallen from my pants while I was on stage in front of all those people.

I got to the auditorium just as the director announced my name. I stepped on stage and started toward the podium. As I took that first step, I felt something start crawling down my leg. I froze! My first thought was what if a bug was in my pants crawling down my leg? I started stomping my foot and slapping my leg hoping to kill whatever was in there, but it just kept creeping down my leg! I was terrified!

I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran toward the podium. I frantically rubbed my leg against the podium trying to kill that creepy crawler in my pants, but it just would not die. In my thrashing I knocked the podium off the stage and because I was holding onto said podium at that moment, I went off the stage with it.

I was still screaming and crying that something was crawling down my pant leg and I needed help when one of the residents grabbed me while another reached his hand up my pant leg and pulled out … NO! Tell me it was not another magic ball. Holy Mother! How could that have happened? More importantly, how in the world could I ever face these people again, you know, once the laughter stopped? They apparently thought it was hilarious. How was I ever going to live this down? Stinkin’ magic balls in my pants! From this point forward I’d rather live with static cling than creeping balls. I’m telling you, this incident was enough to put me right over the edge.

By Willie Smith Simply Hers Magazine