Advice

Advice from Adeline:

Text message received this morning: Mom fell last Saturday and cracked three ribs. Since her fall she has been pretty sore, and this morning vomited black stuff four times. This week she loaded a folding table in the car (broken ribs and all!). And, she has been taking pain killers not currently prescribed by doctor. Since I started back to work, things are going downhill again. I am considering selling this property and finding an assisted living location, so she is never without care. She just tells everyone she is fine. Her inability to communicate is very frightening. She won’t ask for help. She wants to please me but won’t be honest about how she feels. Too many trips to ER.

My response after making certain his mom is okay and will not be admitted with any life-threatening complications: Take deep breaths, don’t make any life decisions for at least 72 hours. You are frightened and angry. She is the same, but for different reasons.

Your mom just scared the devil out of you and herself. She wants to be independent. You want her to ask for help and not try to do things that put her at risk. She wants you to not worry so she doesn’t communicate. It isn’t that she can’t; it’s more that she wants life to be like it was – not like it is! You want her to trust you and acknowledge that life isn’t the same “as before.”

Both of you have legitimate concerns. Right now, you are fighting the same battle but at odds with each other. Mom needs an intervention by a peer, someone who has actually been there, done that. She must be honest with herself about what she can and cannot do. She must acknowledge, on a scale of 1-10, just how fragile her health is and what are her new parameters. No one can do this for her. It is time for self-evaluation.

You must allow her to make these decisions. You cannot wrap her in cotton and put her up for safe keeping. She has the right to live her life. By the same token, she must be reasonable and use better judgment. Being a woman of a certain age, I understand exactly how she feels. As the mother/grandmother/great-grandmother of a rather large, caring family, I had to do my own self-evaluation. I came to realize I was causing undo worry and concern by not sharing and pushing myself even when I knew it was time to stop and rest. It is very difficult. I haven’t mastered it yet. It is a work in progress. The key is to keep the lines of communication open and T A L K to each other. Share how frightened you felt and encourage her to share her fears. No accusations or recriminations from either of you.

This is a very difficult journey. You love your mom and can’t imagine life without her. She loves you but wants to live every minute of her life! That’s a good thing. However, she must fully realize how rebelling against you isn’t the answer. Key for both of you is acknowledging and accepting new limitations which will enable peace of mind and clarity of purpose.

It is difficult for a parent growing older – you feel you are not in control of your life anymore. And the children feel they must intervene and take over decision making. There is a happy medium, but it isn’t easy finding it! Caregivers, you and your loved one can benefit from a support group. NOT the same one – find one for each of you, one that fits your needs and circumstances.