The Truth You Might Not Have Known
I
’m not going to censor what I say. In order to understand the truth, we need to be comfortable saying certain words, and by censoring what we say, we are only adding to the problem. So here it goes: It’s hard and it takes time to overcome. There is no part of it that I can comfortably say is easy. The best way I can think to demonstrate it is through this book my mum gave me called “I had a dog: his name was Depression.” The representation of a dog as depression made it easier to overcome. I was 11 when I think it all started and I had my first suicidal thought. I didn’t know what to make of it and rapidly forgot about it as soon as I could. I think the reason for this was because I was scared of what it might have meant. To continue the metaphor of the dog, mine was flattening. Suicidal thoughts are a real thing and they do not always mean you are going to go through with the action, but it’s a real symptom of depression and can be a really hard thing to break. Many who experience these thoughts don’t go through with it, due to the guilt felt of the consequences
of the thought of suicide. When I was 13, I realised I was depressed, but there was not a chance I was going to reach out for help, I was far too scared and thought no one would be able to understand. I completely secluded myself, I felt alone, I felt as if all my friends had abandoned me. And the harsh reality faced with depression is the fact that everything becomes a chore. To being around those you love, to doing things you used to enjoy; it all became meaningless and nothing was enjoyable. This may seem extremely pessimistic but in the midst of my worst I thought this was the truth, but here’s where I am wrong. My dog was weighing me down and pulling me away from what I loved to do. Yes, in that moment I felt and believed all those things, but I now know that if I did speak out then I would have had a support network, people would have been there for me like they are there for me at this present moment and I would have started enjoying things sooner. But my depression guilted me into thinking no one would listen or care.
I knew how to cover up when I was sad, I would hide my dog away from everyone. But by age of 15, I reached out for help, and naïvely I thought this meant I would be better instantly, but the brutal reality is that it takes a hell of a lot of work and time and in no way is it easy. I remember my first psychiatrist appointment; I could not look my doctor in the eyes. I felt this shame, but why did I? I have a mental illness and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, having it has made me so much more empathetic, wise and strong. I might have felt shame and regret in that first meeting, but now I’m proud of myself, I’m proud I took all the courage I could find and I’m proud I reached out.
The truth is I became an expert on tricking people.
Eliza Tyler, L6th , Hn
My experience is still ongoing. I am better in the respect that I speak out about my depression and how it’s affecting me, but I am still struggling to put my dog on a lead. All I can say to you all is the only way to get through whatever you are going through is by talking. So, here’s to taming all the different types of dogs we have!
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