MY ENTIRE LIFE MAKES SENSE AFTER A LATE ADHD DIAGNOSIS

By Ashley Hubbard

I had trouble finishing projects and sitting still, I interrupted people, and I’d obsessively focus on some things to the detriment of others.

I wasn’t diagnosed with Adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), until I was 33.

Little did I know then, but my first step toward an ADHD diagnosis was getting help for my anxiety and depression. I thought these conditions were responsible for holding me back in life. However, after some time on medication, something still felt “off.” My mood had improved dramatically, but my ability to focus remained atrocious.

I lived in a state of practically permanent distraction, resulting in innumerable wasted days: always being late because I couldn’t find my keys (one time finding them in the fridge after searching for hours), and having to repeatedly explain to people, “No, I’m not mad at you, I just forgot to respond,” after yet another miscommunication.

Basic skills seemed impossible for me. My life was a constant roller coaster. Extended bouts of hyper-focused activity followed by even longer bouts of mental paralysis as everything I should be doing ran through my mind. Over the years, struggles with starting and finishing things intensified, and my never-ending lists grew longer.

These traits became increasingly problematic as my life became a vicious cycle of list-making and organizing that would never lead to anything. I would list all the steps I needed to take to reach a goal but lost focus before putting any of them into action. I had ambition, desire, intelligence, yet, I still could not manage it. These habits often led to either all-nighter deadline miracles or apologies for missed deadlines.

I’d considered the possibility of ADHD, but I dismissed those thoughts because I didn’t exhibit the stereotypical signs, such as hyperactivity. I did, however, exhibit many of the common symptoms: I fidgeted, I had trouble finishing projects and sitting still, I interrupted people, and I’d obsessively focus on some things to the detriment of others. I could easily slip into moments of day-long reading binges or obsessing over projects while the rest of my world crumbled around me in the form of forgotten bills and missed responsibilities.

As I described these tendencies to my psychiatrist over many sessions, I would say things like, “I have so much to do and I want to do it, but I just can’t focus on it,” or “I’ve always been a procrastinator, but deadlines help me focus,” or “I’ve always done well at jobs, but I have no real achievements.” A pattern started to emerge that was both intimidating and enlightening.

That’s when I received the diagnosis that made my entire life make sense.

My late ADHD diagnosis brought both confusion and clarity. My coping mechanisms were now an integral part of my personality, and realizing I’d suffered unnecessarily for so long was overwhelming; And yet I felt relieved. There was finally an answer to so many internal questions. All the times of feeling like I wasn’t good enough or that something was wrong with me now had a logical explanation.

Medication for ADHD was a stepping-stone out of my deep hole. Once I achieved baseline normalcy (this took at least a few months and to find the correct dosage), I was able to invest my energy into more productive habits. My brain was finally quiet enough to keep up with regular house chores, organize my calendars, get on a healthier eating plan, and utilize those moments of hyper-focus to my advantage. These were all things that seemed near impossible before.

TIPS ON MANAGING YOUR ADHD

I recently spoke with Ph.D. psychologist Dr. Catherine Hacker who shared some recommendations for newly-diagnosed adults who might share some of my challenges. “Find what structure and organization works for you,” she says. “If you always lose your keys, have a specific spot for them as soon as you come in the door.”

It’s almost as if she knew about my refrigerator incident.

Something I’ve also struggled with my whole life has been not knowing how to say “no,” and putting too much on my plate, which I learned is a common trait. It’s one that causes a lot of problems not only with mental health but with relationships too. When I shared this with Dr. Hacker, she suggested “learning where your personal limitations are, letting go of the need to do for others before getting your own things done, and when you notice a pull of feeling drained, take a step back to recharge.”

While I continue to navigate through life with this newfound information, I remain grateful for my diagnosis. It’s given me a sense of clarity I once only dreamed of.

• Ashley Hubbard is a freelance writer based in Nashville, Tennessee, focusing on sustainability, travel, veganism, mental health, and more. Passionate about animal rights, sustainable travel, and social impact, she seeks out ethical experiences whether at home or on the road. She shares these experiences on her website, wild-hearted.com.