A MAN ON A MISSION

A MAN ON A MISSION Siya Kolisi on Why Men’s Mental Health Matters

Springbok Captain and international icon Siya Kolisi isn’t just making great strides on the field. The recentlyawarded SA Rugby Player of the Year is also a champion in the fight to dismantle the harmful stereotypes associated with men’s vulnerability. Acting as an advocate for men’s mental health awareness in collaboration with the Dove Men+Care campaign, Kolisi hopes that his platform to speak up on the topic will encourage others to seek help for their mental wellbeing.

We chat to him about his passion for the cause…

How did the stereotypes around mental health - specifically among South African men - affect you while growing up?

Various mental health issues affect one’s mood, thoughts, and behaviour. The most common ones I have encountered are depression, anxiety and addictive disorders.

There is a hesitancy to talk about mental health due to social norms among men in general. For example, men are told that they need to be strong and ‘in control’ of their emotions – that “men don’t cry”, and must rely on themselves rather than speaking openly about their feelings.

There is a stigma around men’s mental health in the black communities that I am a part of. As a result, men often suffer in silence as mental health issues are usually not prioritised. The association of mental health with weakness is also a problem. For example, when some communities process grief, men are not allowed to show emotions or cry.

Can you share a bit about your personal experience with mental health challenges?

When my grandmother and mother died, I was numb, and it was only later in life that I learnt how to process that grief properly.

Over the years, I have been on a journey to learn to recognise mental health issues and overcome the barriers that prevent many men like me from opening up and seeking help when we are struggling. I’ve learnt to be as aware of mental challenges as I am of physical injuries.

As an athlete on social media, I must prioritise looking after my mental health. For example, people can say mean, hurtful and critical things to sportspeople without caring about how their words impact us. I do my best to limit my engagement on social media and focus on my internal process. I do my best when training in preparation for a match, and I give it my all on match day. If we don’t win, I need to forgive myself, ignore the naysayers, and focus on how I can improve next time. Do you think that more awareness and conversations that encourage men to prioritise their mental health can help to tackle genderbased violence?

Yes, absolutely. There are many drivers of gender-based violence. One of the things that makes it worse is that many men have poor coping strategies or ways of dealing with the everyday stressors in their lives. Bottling up emotions and resorting to things like alcohol and extended isolation may worsen the situation and increase violence against women. When the COVID-19 pandemic led to our first hard lockdown, I was saddened to hear many reports that GBV had risen across the country. Sadly, this was not a surprise, because I grew up seeing women bear the brunt of men’s frustration when social circumstances were challenging.

How have your faith, family, friends, and the rest of your support system helped you to engage in conversation about mental health and embrace a certain level of vulnerability in your masculinity?

I am fortunate to have people around me who I can talk to. My wife, close friends, church community and teammates all form my support system. Collectively, they create a space for me to be vulnerable and have an outlet when the pressure builds and things get overwhelming. I still wholeheartedly endorse speaking to mental health professionals as well.

On the work front, being partnered with the Dove Men+Care campaign has proven to be very empowering. It encourages holistic care from the inside out, constantly engaging with us as men and finding ways for us to care for ourselves and others.

How would you describe an ‘emotionally intelligent man’?

I think this man can understand and manage his emotions in a positive way. A man who asks himself, “How are others experiencing me? How am I experiencing others?” It allows them to communicate effectively and invest in healthy relationships.

I am trying to teach my son to grow up and become this man. I express emotions. I tell him I love him, I kiss him, I hug him - all the things that I longed for as a boy, I am giving back to my son. I allow him to see me cry, to show him it’s okay to show emotions. I teach him that it’s okay to say that he struggles with something. I celebrate him when he asks for support. I am teaching him not to limit himself from experiencing the full range of his humanity.

What would you say to someone who struggles with being open about their emotions? And how would you encourage other men to flip the script on harmful stereotypes and take the necessary steps to prioritise their mental wellbeing?

I would like them to know that it is okay to talk about their feelings. It’s okay to say that you are struggling. It’s okay to talk about the things that are challenging you. It’s okay to ask for help. It is not a weakness. Find someone you trust, and talk to them about what you’re going through. I have people I talk to about what’s happening in my life.

How can readers join the conversation?

I encourage readers to stay tuned to my Instagram page (@siyakolisi) and the Dove Men+Care Global Channel (@dovemencare) throughout the year as we continue to build on these conversations.

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