4 minute read
I KNOW THIS TRAIN by Annie McDonnell
I KNOW THIS TRAIN by Annie McDonnell
My nerves were like a series of railways,
Once upon a time they all communicated with my brain
as if it was led by the smartest of conductors.
like you find at Grand Central Station.
My body, my brain, my movements
were once this glorious series of veins
with free-flowing blood nourishing my body.
and nerve pathways making it all happen.
I remember that feeling.
walking into Grand Central Station.
That’s the very moment I’d wake up
when I worked in New York City.
Everything felt electric,
Pulsating with the sensation of my blood flow.
Electronic misfirings all trying to make sense.
I felt like I was in a movie,
Each step to a playlist
of my life’s songs.
Which made my body feel so alive.
Like I was waiting for a flash mob to start
singing and dancing at any given moment.
I was always waiting for something
to happen here at Grand Central Station.
Excitement was waiting around each corner.
When we would go down to the train tracks
each train would be running on time.
If a train was off even by a minute
Everybody gets lost.
dazed.
confused.
Just like my brain,
confusing my body.
zero messages making sense.
My brain feels like it’s turning gray.
Just like this train.
Slowly shutting down.
It has lost communication with my organs.
My body was once so alive,
Now everything’s neurogenic.
My brain, like the train,
No longer the conductor.
It is just sitting there alone.
Dying and there’s nothing anyone can do.
Like the train,
my brain
feels put out in the graveyard.
Did you know that exists?
If you’re on the Long Island Railroad,
You see it every day
On your way into the city.
That train graveyard.
It’s so very sad
Oh, the stories we could both tell.
The train,
people were there every day,
Sometimes there were parties,
before people got to New York City.
They celebrated weddings,
divorces, birthdays!!
Exactly how my body felt!
I was a constant party.
I was always traveling.
and enjoying each moment!
The best train trips were
going in twice to watch the ball drop-in Times Square on New Years Eve,
or to see the St. Patrick’s Day parade.
Those trains brought good things to life.
My brain used to do the same thing.
When it becomes useless or
begins to slow down,
You could throw all the medicine at it.
You can eat all the right foods, do all the right exercises,
But just like this old train
It gets put out to pasture.
It gets lonely.
It’s hard to feel happy.
The skies always feel gray
and definitely stormy.
Feeling like I always need to run for cover.
Only I don’t ever have an umbrella.
My body used to feel so alive.
I’ll never forget that feeling at Grand Central Station.
I wish my brain would go back to running as smoothly as it did there.
My brain.
It doesn’t want to be that train.
Left all by itself to wither and die,
with no one visiting or showing it love.
Just think of all the possibilities if they could just fix it up,
and get it moving again
just by attaching it to another train.
Even if they just pulled it along
so it felt like it belonged.
My organs are crying out
to belong!
For brain to lead the way
I see the train in this picture.
And my heart bleeds for it
I know how alone it feels,
without its conductor
its passengers
its travels.
I know this train,
For you see,
it’s me.
Both of us trying to never forget
Our beautiful memories.
