RELATIONSHIPS

GETTING ATTACHED

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Our ability to connect and build relationships with the people around us is one of the most common emotions that human beings share. However, just because we share this instinct, it doesn’t mean we approach things in exactly the same way. This is where attachment styles come into play. TEXT SKYE LAVIS

Tere are three very common types of attachment styles that people may experience when building relationships or when trying to connect to others.

1. SECURE People with a secure attachment style are able to trust others easily and do not second-guess people and their intentions. Tey are confdent in themselves and those around them. Tese individuals are often seen as resilient and able to take on any adversity in their stride.

2. ANXIOUS People with an anxious attachment style don’t trust people easily. Tey are always wondering why people might like them and what their intentions are toward them. Tey have an acute fear of rejection and often don’t feel secure in their relationships. Tese individuals often look for constant reassurance, attention and afection from their partners. Tey don’t like to be alone, but on the other hand are always wondering if people close to them have their best intentions at heart.

3. AVOIDANT People who have an avoidant attachment style tend to like being on their own. Tey don’t like the idea of a relationship or to be relied upon by one person or people. Tey usually manage their lives by themselves and don’t ask for help from others. Tey may be critical of romantic people or think that fnding a partner is boring. HOW DO I KNOW WHAT ATTACHMENT STYLE I AM? It is best to base yourself on a pattern rather than a single relationship. For example, if you felt very anxious in one relationship but not others, it doesn’t mean you have an anxious attachment style – it probably means that there were good reasons for you to feel anxious. Perhaps you knew that relationship wasn’t good for you. HOW DO OUR ATTACHMENT STYLES IMPACT OUR RELATIONSHIPS? When it comes to relationships, it is important to understand how your style and your partner’s style compliments and interacts with each other. Having diferent styles does not mean that your relationship is doomed, it simply means that you have to work together to ensure you understand what your diferent style means for one another.

Every individual is diferent and will deal with different situations differently. For example, a securely attached person may like hugs a lot, or an anxious person may be at their peak anxiety when their partner’s attractive ex puts a like on a Facebook post, or an avoidant person may become more distant if they are being asked to go to lots of social events. What’s important is understanding these sensitivities and working together to navigate them. Learning your partner’s attachment style will help you to appreciate what each pother has to

SECURE

• Positive view of self • Positive view of others • Interdependent • Likes emotional intimacy • Trusting

offer the relationship. ■

ANXIOUS

• Negative view of self • Positive view of others • Dependent • Fear of losing relationship • Can be aggressive • Can “act out” of fear

AVOIDANT

• Positive view of self • Negative view of others • Independent / self-reliant • Dislikes closeness • Puts up walls • Avoids confict

TO POST OR NOT TO POST?

Things you shouldn’t be posting about your relationship on social media. TEXT SKYE LAVIS

At what stage does sharing become too much? Yes, you may be in love and want the rest of the world to know, but where do you draw the line at what is appropriate to share and what should be kept between you and your partner only? When people know what is happening in your relationship every step of the way, it may be time to take a step back from sharing so much on social media and rather just enjoy the

alone time between you and your partner. We take a look at the things you should never post about your relationship on social media.

PERSONAL DETAILS You may think that it is cute that your partner still sleeps with their teddy bear from their childhood, but do they want everyone knowing this fact about their personal life? Te rule of thumb, is to always check with your partner if they are okay

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with the personal content you may be posting. If they say no, honour their decision and simply enjoy those sweet details between only the two of you.

UNAPPROVED PHOTOS People are often picky about what they consider “unfattering” when it comes to images of themselves. A pout may be the most adorable pose for you, but your partner on the other hand may consider it utterly

embarrassing. Again, asking before posting will never get you into trouble.

SOPPY STUFF We get it. You love bae. But does the world really want to know your pet names for each other, even if it is bokboks or ubabes? Tere are things you share with your partner that aren’t meant to be shared with anyone else. So while it might seem special to upload a photo of your man just waking up, you’re actually allowing all these people a glimpse into a private moment. Posting this type of information minimizes the specialness of your relationship and the intimate connection between the two of you.

LOVER'S QUARREL Simply put, when you make your fght public you’re undermining your ability to make up efectively. Your friends and family will undoubtedly take your side and you’ve also opened the door for people to give their two cents about your relationship. Tey might not be so happy about your ‘perfect’ beau a week after you called them a ‘horrible narcissist’. Keep that stuf private. Once you make up, you’ll be glad you didn’t go public with your

MEAN JOKES Social media and memes are famously bad at transmitting a “tone”. Tone is the only diference between a firtatious jab among lovers and a cruel jibe at your loved one’s expense. Without the context that you share as a couple, people aren’t going to see the humour, they’ll just see disrespect.

BRAGGING If your partner can aford diamonds and designer handbags, that’s great. However, class resentment is real and showing of on social media is not going to do you any favours. Yes, we all want the world to see our fancy items and be happy for us but not everyone is going to feel that way. It is important to understand that not everyone, including your friends may have the same luxuries you have and that’s okay but just be mindful of their feelings as well. Flashing your wealth on social media not only attracts negative energy from friends, but also sets you up as a target for scammers that may be on your friends list.

THOSE VAGUE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE STATUSES Most of us have experienced or may have seen, “I still can’t believe some people can be so selfsh” comments fying around social media. As tempting as it may be to tell all your social media friends about your fght with your partner, or even post about your fght through a cryptic message, your friends are bound to read between the lines and only make the situation that much worse with everyone weighing in with their opinions. Te issue that occurred between you and your partner needs to be resolved by you and your partner. Not between you, social media friends and your partner. Deal with your problems privately and not publicly.

LOOKING FOR VALIDATION Are you happy with your partner? If so, it doesn’t matter how many likes your man crush Monday pic gets. We’ve grown accustomed to taking our friend’s likes and comments as accurate measures of value. Eventually you end up in a position where you feel like you have to keep up a facade until people accept or love your relationship. On the other hand, you could end up idealizing social media’s perception of your relationship, and inevitably, you will continuously be trying to live up to this perfect relationship that doesn’t exist.

THE IN-LAWS It doesn’t matter if your nosy mother-in-law isn’t on your friends list. Social media posts are slippery little things. Even when deleted, once it’s out there, it’s out there. Someone may have a screenshot of it to this day. No privacy setting in the world can prevent your nasty posts from fnding the people they’re written about. If that person is your mother-in-law, you’re in for a lifetime of awkward family Christmases. What's more, posting details of your relationships are a sign of poor personal boundaries. With more potential and current employers monitoring social media, that information tells them that you are willing to post personal information about them as well. Not a good look.

WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN THE SHEETS First of all, gross. We’re not saying you shouldn’t engage in a little long-distance firtation with your signifcant other. If that’s your thing though, keep it on the texts. Whatever you do, do not post anything publicly without the full consent of your partner, or you could be putting your relationship in jeopardy. Remember this sensitive and embarrassing information is not just about you. Revealing things about your partner they may not want shared with the public will defnitely damage the trust between you.

SMOOCHING SELFIES If you’re not an actor in the latest rom-com, nobody wants to see you kissing. Trust us, nobody. Firstly, kissing selfes seem a bit uh, suggestive. How is that going to make your parents feel? Secondly, what are you trying to prove? You won’t gain any points among the lonely hearts in your friend group. People who are having a hard time fnding love just about gag when they see your make out session on their feed. Just don’t do it.

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THE INSIDE SCOOP ON YOUR BREAKUP Going through a break up can make you want to do some crazy stuf. Keep your restraint, and resist airing your dirty laundry on social media. Once it’s online, sides will be formed and it will get a whole lot nastier. A peaceful break up between you and your partner will defnitely aid in the healing of a broken heart. Besides, fghting on social media makes you look petty. We’re in 2020 people! ■