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Surviving The Apocalypse: A Beginner’s Guide

Although we weren’t taken out by the Millenium bug and are somehow still alive after 2012, it’s only a matter of time before ‘expert’ Alex Jones predicts the next, 'genuine' apocalypse. As they say, you can never be too prepared, so make sure you carefully follow our beginner’s guide - the survival of humanity is in our hands, after all.

1. Build a bunker.

Find a good spot for a bunker, and get digging. If you don’t have a forest nearby, building a bunker in your garden will do the trick. Don’t worry about your neighbours asking if you’re quite alright - they’re the ones that will feel stupid when the apocalypse finally hits and you’re watching it all from the safety of your hole in the ground.

2. Get some hobbies.

If you have time to be prepping your bunker, you probably have quite a lot of free time on your hands. Why not get a hobby now, such as carpentry, so you can be helpful when the time comes to rebuild society? Alternatively, join a society like Boldrewood Tunnel Soc to get some tips ready for life underground. Just make sure you don’t make any friends who might want a share of your valuable supplies.

3. Whip out the unlubricated condoms

A survivalist’s best friend, unlubricated condoms have a whole host of uses - from being great water carriers to providing foot protection. Just make sure not to use them instead of lubricated ones when you get lucky - nobody appreciates chafing while they run away from the crazed masses.

4. Make sure you have a weapon.

Don’t worry about not knowing how to use it - as we all know from zombie films, being in the midst of an apocalypse will suddenly make you a gun expert - no experience necessary!

5. Light some candles.

Not just great for when the power’s out, lighting candles is a great way to feel more zen when people are trying to break your door down or you’re having your nice monthly bath in the same water as you’re drinking.

6. Make sure you have plenty of alcohol stockpiled.

It’s all well and good being prepared, but what’s the point of it all if you can’t have a good time while you watch the world burn? Not only is it great for disinfecting wounds, but a nice bottle of vodka is a great way to numb the pain when you’re suddenly struck by the inevitability of your death.

7. Pack plenty of pet food.

Well, you’ll want to keep poor Fido alive for as long as possible before you eventually have to eat him, won’t you?

WORDS BY GABY PULESTON-VAUDREY IMAGE BY NINA PANNONE