Why He Lies

By Sandra Bolan

Every day we tell friends, co-workers and significant others little white lies – "Yes, that outfit looks great," "I’m having a super day," "That dinner you cooked for me was amazing" and "Yes, I loved that movie." What’s the harm? After all, you’re saying it because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

In reality, a lie, no matter how small, can hurt more than the truth. And one day, when you forget you told that little lie and instead blurt out the truth, the person could become confused and perhaps distrustful of you.

Telling a lie is also a cop out because you just don’t want to face the consequences of telling someone the truth. Lying is often more about protecting the liar than the other person.

Why He Lies

• He doesn't like certain things about himself. This could include everything from his job to his eating habits.

• He is hiding an addiction. Despite promising to quit drinking, smoking, using drugs or pornography – he doesn’t. Then, he lies about it because he’s either ashamed or doesn’t believe he’s addicted. He also lies because he doesn’t like what he’s doing and knows you wouldn’t like it either. Which leads to the another reason he would lie: he doesn’t want to anger you. No one likes conflict, so the best way to avoid it is to lie – or so the liar believes.

• Out of habit. Some men lie because as children they were punished for telling the truth. No one wants be to a “tattle tale." This is also the case when a child suffers a traumatic event such as abuse and bullying and adults didn't believe him. The child is now conditioned to lie versus tell the truth.

• A need to seem "better" or improve his self image. If anyone has been on a dating app, this is where a lot of people stretch the truth. Some men claim to have a great job with tons of money and fancy cars, but the reality may be that he has a low-level job, there’s no money in the bank and that car was in the parking lot, and he decided to take a selfie with it. Someone else may claim to be a chef but is really the fry guy at a fast food joint.

• Lying by omission. "I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you everything." Hmmmm. We've all heard that one before. Some men are masters at lying by omission. And guess what: that's still lying. Typically, a man will lie by omission because he's guilty (he has guilt over the event or activity that made him feel like he needed to lie), ashamed (he doesn't want to ruin his reputation or doesn't want to tell the whole story in case he is perceived in a negative light) or afraid (he fears being on the receiving end of punishment, anger or hurt due to his actions). Even if there is no immediate damage from the omitted information, that information usually has a tendency to come to the surface later.

How Can You Tell?

Although some people are very adept at lying, Diana Raab, MFA, Ph.D. says there are seven specific behaviors that may tip you off he could be lying to you:

1. Unusual fidgeting or blinking.

2. A change in vocal pitch.

3. Shifty eyes, or difficulty making eye contact.

4. Using self-soothing techniques such as mouth covering, ear tugging, collar pulling or neck touching.

5. A decreased tendency to use emotional words, such as "hurt" or "angry."

6. Inconsistent gestures or facial expressions that contrast with message content.

7. The use of fewer first-person words such as “I."

How to Handle the Lies

No matter the lie, when you first discover the truth, you may want to lash out, throw things, yell and say things you can't take back.

Instead, and this will be hard, take a deep breath and let him explain himself.

While listening, try to get him to explain the “why.” We all lie for a reason, but a reason doesn’t justify the lie. However, it at least puts the lie into perspective for you.

If the lie wasn’t a relationship ender, calmly let him know in the future that any lie won’t be tolerated, and it will end the relationship if it happens again –even lying by omission.

Being honest demonstrates a deep level of compassion, maturity and understanding. When we own our mistakes and actions, and don't try to cover them up, it shows how strong we really are – even in the presence of our vulnerability. WGW