First Impressions

How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative

by REESE CASSARD AND GARY M. ALMETER

IF A WOMAN is wearing Doc Martens, she’s liberal. IF A MAN is wearing Doc Martens, he’s conservative.

If the man in Doc Martens has a buzzcut, he is very conservative. If someone’s wearing a golf polo anywhere but on a golf course, they are conservative.

If someone’s wearing a barn jacket anywhere but in a barn, they are liberal.

If they’re wearing a barn jacket in a barn, they are conservative. Unless the barn is filled with rescue dogs, then it’s anyone’s guess.

If someone’s wearing Stan Smiths, they are liberal.

If someone’s ever played tennis with Stan Smith, they are conservative.

If a man lists his pronouns on social media, he is liberal.

If he lists his pronouns on dating apps, he is conservative but wants you to think he’s liberal.

If someone has erotic dreams about Anderson Cooper, they are human and shouldn’t look into it too much.

If those erotic dreams also include Andy Cohen, Don Lemon, and the rest of CNN’s drunken New Year’s Eve crew, they are probably going through a lot and should maybe talk to a professional about it.

If someone is still bemoaning cancel culture, they are conservative. Unless they’re bemoaning the cancellation of Broad City, then they’re liberal.

If a guy wears baggy corduroy pants, he is liberal but his parents are conservative.

If he wears slim-fit corduroy pants, he is conservative but his parents are liberal.

If a woman is in the top 1 percent of Taylor Swift listeners on Spotify, she is liberal.

If she is in the top 10-15 percent of Taylor Swift listeners on Spotify, she is conservative.

If she got good seats to Taylor’s tour through Ticketmaster, she’s a bot.

If someone saw Bruce Springsteen on Broadway, they are conservative but like to think they’re liberal.

If they saw Bruce Springsteen play in New Jersey before he was “Bruce Springsteen,” they are liberal but like to think they’re conservative.

If a guy drinks white wine, he’s liberal. If a girl drinks whiskey, she’s conservative.

If someone can taste the difference between a Merlot from ’78 and a Merlot from ’98, they are conservative but have a son who dropped out of college to join Antifa.

If someone can hear the difference between Beethoven and Debussy, they vote liberal but donate money to Republicans.

If a man wears dress shirts with monogrammed cuffs, he is conservative.

If a woman wears dress shirts with monogrammed cuffs, she is liberal.

If anyone wears those dress shirts that don’t have a collar, they are a cult leader.

If a man was the quarterback on his high school football team but didn’t get any SEC scholarship offers, he used to be conservative but is liberal now. If a man was the lead role in his high school play but didn’t get into Juilliard, he used to be liberal but is conservative now.

If a man over fifty has a DON’T TREAD ON ME tattoo, he’s liberal. If a man under fifty has one, he’s a suspect in the January 6 commission.

If a man is wearing an authentic horseman’s duster from J. Peterman, it’s actually three small boys trying to get into an R-rated movie.

If a woman is wearing an authentic horseman’s duster from J. Peterman, she’s liberal and she has a gun.

If your great aunt Tillie comes home for the holidays wearing flowing scarves and wailing on a harmonica, there’s a chance it’s Steven Tyler of Aerosmith impersonating your great aunt Tillie so he can crash your dinner. Either way, do not eat that butternut squash casserole they brought.

If anyone is wearing a MAGA hat, they’re just trying to get a rise out of you. Don’t fall for it. *

Reese Cassard is a copywriter in Boulder, Colorado, where he skis, hikes, and writes humor.

Gary M. Almeter lives in Baltimore and is an attorney, legal content writer, and the author of the novel Kissing the Roadkill Back to Life

By Iris Wiener